


A Moment of Eternity

by Madelief



Series: Alpha and Omega [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Art, Blood and Violence, Canon Related, Complete, Drug Withdrawal, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Falling In Love, Fanart, Fluff and Smut, Graphic Novel, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Long, Love at First Sight, Lyrium Withdrawal, Not Suitable/Safe For Work, POV Cullen Rutherford, POV Female Character, POV Multiple, Panic Attacks, Plot, Plot Twists, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Red Lyrium, Romance, Romance Novel, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Storytelling, Trauma, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Violence, some characters not as portrayed ingame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-26
Updated: 2016-08-20
Packaged: 2018-04-06 08:01:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 113
Words: 666,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4214223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madelief/pseuds/Madelief
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All her carefully laid plans had been laid to waste, the future she'd worked so hard to secure literal ashes as she'd watched Ostwick Circle burn. While others wailed despair and failure, however, Lea Trevelyan saw release and freedom. If there was one thing she excelled at it was rising from the dust of defeat and recreating her life anew - although, granted, she'd never tried before when it was raining demons and green fire. </p><p>The chaos didn't matter. When Lea saw an opportunity, she planned her attack with a cold calculation honed over the long years of incarceration in the Circle. All she knew was the fight for survival borne out of necessity in the vicious world of Mages and Templars. If the arrogant former Knight-Commander of Kirkwall lived up to his ruthless reputation and tried to stop her, Lea would ensure he lived to regret it.</p><p>It didn’t take her long to remember how dangerous assumptions could be. </p><p>Completed Part 1 of a very AU take on DA:I from the perspectives of Leaena Trevelyan and Cullen Rutherford. Explicit language and content from the start, detailed in tags. I do not detail TWs at the start of each chapter so please check before reading.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I follow canon in terms of main questline to give it a framework, but the rest is AU from what's inside my head. Aside from some editing work I need to do at the start, this part of Cullen and Lea's story is complete. Thanks for reading :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Art is by Gerry Arthur. This are two beautiful, separate portraits which feature later on in the story which he kindly put onto a jpeg for me for the front cover until I have more artwork done.

 

Something was pressing hard into the side of her face, something cold and sharp. Mumbling, she tried to bat it away and get more comfortable, snuggling further into her pillow. Except the relentless jabbing into her cheek was getting worse and she must have kicked her covers off as she felt a chill seeping deep into her bones. And that rather unpleasant sensation across most of her face didn’t feel like her hair clasp had worked its way out.

Groaning in her semi-stupor at the thought of having to wake up, she tried to open one eye and promptly shut it again as a glaring lance of green shot across her vision and added to her thundering headache. 

_Urgh, Andraste save me....best I keep my eyes closed till my head adjusts itself. I didn't think I'd drunk that much last night! No more substandard Chantry wine for me ever again._

_And why would they choose such a grotesque green colour for drapes?_

She was going to kill Cadan when she got up. Sure, it was all his fault she drank way too much last night, leading her astray as usual.

She tried to chuckle but ended up with a mouthful of dust.

_Maker, did I sleep in a stable? What happened last night!_

She tried to move her hand and reach for the hair clasp that was digging into her cheek but found her limbs made of lead and unable to move. At the same time, a low pitched hum not dissimilar to the sounds she recognised in the Fade began to resonate in her brain.

‘Fade?’ she whispered to herself in shock, as everything suddenly tumbled into place in her head in one horrendous lump.

She was quite obviously not in bed, recovering from having too good a time last night. In fact, those sorts of nights had been non-existent since the rebellion hit.

She still didn’t quite dare open her eyes, letting her senses extend around her to absorb her surroundings and pretending to play dead until she organised herself. It didn’t take much to tell her that she was firmly lying face down in the Fade in the most uncomfortable position possible.

_What in Andraste’s name has happened to my left hand?_

It felt like she’d grabbed a load of hot coals and forgot to let go. She must’ve been hit by some sort of debris that knocked her out. There was no one else around her. Nothing living at any rate. So far, no demons which was good. Playing dead wouldn’t work on them anyway and she needed these few minutes to gather her energy and form some sort of plan.

Deliberately pushing thoughts of the Conclave and all the implications there were in waking up in such a manner to one side, she squinted one eye open, then another in growing horrified fascination.

_This is the Fade but unlike any part of it I have walked before._

The scholar and academic in her rapidly absorbed in clinical detail her surroundings, black but for the eerie green light fading in and out in clouds around her. The battlemage in her immediately sought out any potential threats and how to best nullify them. The human in her was wincing in protest at how battered her body was.

_Damn it! My left hand hurts!_

Breathing deeply to control the pain in her head and to fight the waves of nausea, she managed to get herself sitting upright and rested for a few seconds, before finally standing up and taking a good look around.

She could still feel her magic humming through her veins, and something alien that had joined that familiar tune in her body. Quickly controlling her breathing again in an attempt to calm herself down, she looked around for a way out. Seeing a light in the distance and, with no other options but to follow it, she started to walk towards it.

Just at the same time she felt a warning prickle on the back of her neck, she heard the scuttle and scratching of rather large predators heading her way at an alarmingly fast rate. With no time to think of a better idea, she started to run in the opposite direction, casting a terrified glance back to see hundreds of darkspawn skittering towards her. Running faster, with no idea where to go aside from the dubious security of the light in front of her.

_How in the Maker's name am I going to get out of this alive?_

Scrambling up a rocky ledge to put some distance between herself and the darkspawn, desperately she climbed up higher, hoping against hope that there would be a way out of the Fade at the top.

‘Andraste guide me!’ she cried, as she felt the darkspawn clawing at her heels.

Suddenly, the light at the top of the slope manifested as an apparition, reaching out to her outstretched hand with a blast of green kinetic energy.

_Divine Justinia? How....._

She flung herself towards the light in one last desperate move to escape as the darkspawn started to swarm over her feet and ankles. She felt the world shift with a huge bang and fell headlong into darkness. She heard shouting, felt strong arms gathering her up, and then knew no more.


	2. Left and Right

Lea woke up slowly, cold but also on fire. She could feel flames coursing through her blood, altering her magic, tearing at her soul.

_I am not used to this heat! I'm a fucking Winter mage, for the love of the Maker!_

_And what is with this absurd green light?_

For some bizarre reason she remembered the sensation of strong arms around her, making her feel secure in a way she hadn’t felt since a child.

_Andraste save me from this fever! Now is not the time to be mooning over muscles conjured from my imagination._

Breathing quietly, she kept her eyes closed for a moment as she began to take stock of her surroundings and to cool her blood. She felt metal around her wrists; not a good sign.

_I’m on a pallet on the floor. I'm feverish. And there is someone very near who I can feel mentally cursing me, even though I am clearly in no state to do anything at all._

She felt reassured that she could feel the cloak of her magic, although the presence of Templars, or something that could suppress her magic, was near.

_Oh, and my hand is still on fire. Great._

With a sigh, Lea decided it was time to face whatever it was she had to face, and opened her eyes as she slowly propped herself up.

Flinching at the thought of the damage to her left hand, she glanced down at it quickly and nearly emptied the contents of her stomach at the sight. It was glowing with a bright green fire, pain shooting up her arm and into her head and, whatever the green fire was, it was causing her magic to feel dangerously imbalanced.

‘Maker help me’ she gasped, as she stared at this new inexplicable accessory that seemed permanently attached under her skin.

Three soldiers drew their swords as she cried out. She quickly decided that using magic at this juncture would be a terrible idea until she could figure out how to get this thing off her hand. And who on earth clapped her in chains. She smiled wryly to herself inside, despite the fire in her left arm.

_If I’d found some stranger with a glowing green hand appear out of nowhere, I would have probably have done the same._

The door to Lea's cell opened suddenly and a woman in front of her in full armour, lean, tanned and strong, marched in. Scowling. 

_Excellent start. Even her hair is bristling with her disapproval._

_That's quite a feat, to be that mad that your hair joins in._

Her brown eyes snapped with rage as she saw her prisoner awake.

A second woman had come in behind her more quietly, dressed in grey leathers all the better to blend into the background.

_I dub you the grey lady, which will do till I know more._

The stealthy ones were the ones to watch for, as Lea knew all too well. The grey eyes examining her were ruthless and cold, stripping her defences, identifying her weaknesses and plotting how to best exploit them.

Lea shivered.

_Void take it all, what is going on? Their eyes, underneath the rage, are deep with sorrow._

_They are looking for someone to blame, to remove their guilt._

Lea wasn’t thrilled at being on the receiving end of such anger but mentally shrugged. She wasn’t in a condition to argue.

She suddenly identified the dark-haired one as a Seeker, which explained the Templar-but-not sensation she had upon waking. Not one to mess with and magic would be pointless if she needed to defend herself.

_Fabulous._

‘Tell me why we shouldn’t kill you now,’ the Seeker spat venomously at her. ‘The Conclave is destroyed. Everyone who attended is dead. Except for you.’ Looking at Lea in disgust, the Seeker clearly expected some sort of response or confession. Get comfy then love, thought Lea grimly. We will all be waiting a while if you expect me to confess to something I didn't do.

‘The Conclave? Shit!’ Lea said suddenly, sitting upright, battling the subsequent nausea and feeling a deep fear settle in her stomach that she couldn’t shake.

_Everyone dead._

_Trystan!_

He was out there somewhere, he had to be. Feeling that any answer she gave would be the wrong one, she instead said nothing further, regretting her outburst already which both her interrogators had raised their eyebrows at, expecting her to elaborate further.

Aside from her somewhat childish reaction to not respond to such outrageous accusations, she probably couldn’t have said anything sensible even if she wanted to, given she was unable to deal with the impact of what the Seeker just said.

‘Explain this’ the Seeker growled in anger as she suddenly grabbed Lea’s left hand, casting an eerie green glow through the dank cell.

‘I can’t!’ Lea ground out in frustration.

‘What do you mean you can’t!’ demanded the Seeker.

‘I don’t know what that is, or how it got there!’ Lea retorted angrily.

‘You’re lying!’ the Seeker shouted in her face, grabbing Lea roughly by her collar, only to be pulled off by her companion. ‘We need her Cassandra,’ the other woman said sharply.

_Ok, at least I have a name for one of them now; Seeker Cassandra._

The grey lady turned to her again.

‘So what now?’ Lea asked, hoping against hope for some news.

‘Do you remember what happened?’ the grey lady demanded. ‘How this began?’

‘Not really’ Lea said slowly, realising they would give little away to someone who they thought had done an Anders. She thought again about what she did remember and what she wanted to give away at this point. ‘There was a lot of talking and then a massive noise. I remember running, and then…a woman?’

‘A woman!’ the grey lady exclaimed.

‘She reached out to me, a shining light,’ Lea continued. ‘I don’t remember a thing until now…..’ she tailed off, feeing uncertain.

The two women were quiet for a moment, absorbing Lea’s reaction, then the Seeker gestured for the other to leave. ‘Go to the forward camp, Leliana,’ Cassandra said quietly, as they both moved towards the door. ‘I will take her to the Rift.’

_Leliana, Leliana._

_I know that name. Oh Maker_.

That had to be Sister Leliana, the left hand of the Divine. Her spymaster. A bard and first-rate assassin. And of course, the Seeker was Cassandra Pentaghast, Right Hand to the Divine and, if her brain remembered correctly, Nevarran royalty.

_What in Andraste’s name had gone on and how have I ended up in the thick of it?_

She was almost certain they knew who she was at least, but had no idea _what_ she was capable of.

Lea shook her head slightly. She would have to wait, and decided quickly to hide that she knew who they both were. There would be nothing served by revealing her little knowledge until she knew what they had in store for her to do. And Maker take it all, Trystan was out there. Her elder brother, her main Templar escort to the Conclave. He had to be alive and she had to save him.

Cassandra paused, contemplating the prisoner. She seemed to unbend a little and reached down to undo Lea’s shackles, leaving only the rope still holding her wrists together.

‘What did happen?’ Lea asked softly, desperate for some information that might indicate whether Trystan survived and wincing slightly as blood rushed back to her hands.

Helping Lea to her feet, Cassandra sighed. ‘It will be…easier to show you,’ she replied hesitantly.

Lea looked down at her bound hands, struggling to gain control. Trystan, her beloved big brother, her rock and protector, was missing. The Ostwick Circle wiped out, gone. Despite all their efforts to keep the peace. And now, some alien magic coursing through her that she had no idea what to do with.

_Don’t cry, don't cry, don't cry. Show nothing. You still have no idea where you stand with these people. Show no weakness._

_Trystan wasn’t at the Temple itself; he might still be alive. Mourn your dead later – there’s nothing to be done about it right now._

She said a silent prayer to the Maker to guide him to safety which helped her partly regain her composure. Focus on the positive, focus on the bigger picture, she repeated to herself, forcing herself to calm.

With a deep breath, she stepped out from the Chantry and into madness.


	3. Realisation

‘A moment, please!’ Lea called, pausing in shock at her surroundings.

There was the reason for the green colour she kept seeing in her dreams, that enormous pulsating tear in the sky that twisted in rhythm to the mark on her hand.

She saw upwards to where the Temple of Sacred Ashes had been, now a smoking ruin, openly mocking the pathway to the heavens.

She saw sickly green permeate through the landscape, punctuated with yawning rifts spewing forth demons, abominations and Maker knew what else from the Fade.

She felt the sheer wrongness to her core, how it affected her magic and her contact with the Fade.

_It is a new world, but not one I want any part of._

_\-----_

Cassandra watched her prisoner, marvelling at the composure the woman was showing given what she was witnessing for the first time. The fact she hurtled out of the Fade from nowhere with magic not seen before coursing through her, not to mention being the lead suspect for the explosion, seemed to matter little.

In a remarkably short time those piercing blue eyes lifted up again, filled with resolve and the prisoner fully focussed her attention on the Seeker once more. If Cassandra was a gambling woman, she would have bet that, magic or no, this mage was a force to be reckoned with and knew somehow who Cassandra was.

And now standing here with such obvious devastation for those she had lost, it was apparent that she had no idea what was going on. Or what the mark on her hand was for.

‘We call it the Breach,’ Cassandra explained as Lea stared in horrified fascination at the hole in the sky. ‘It’s a massive rift into the world of demons that grows larger with each passing hour. It’s not the only such rift,’ she continued, ‘just the largest. All were caused by the explosion at the Conclave.’ ‘

An explosion can do that?’ Lea was astounded. In all her studies she had never come across magic that could be so powerful.

‘This one did,’ Cassandra confirmed. ‘Unless we act, the Breach may grow until it swallows the world.’

At that same time, the Breach contorted in the sky, connecting with the mark on Lea’s hand which sparked to life in response.

\------

‘This should not be be,’ Lea breathed in horror, feeling the devastation, despair and twisted pain in the fabric of life itself through her mark. It was so overwhelming she was driven to her knees.

Cassandra dropped down to help her. ‘Each time the Breach expands, your mark spreads. And…it is killing you. It may be the key to stopping this, but there isn’t much time,’ she said desperately.

‘And yet you still think I did this – to myself!’ Lea exclaimed incredulously.

‘Not intentionally. Something clearly went wrong,’ was the snapped response.

‘And if I’m not responsible?’ she shot back. ‘Someone is, and you are our only suspect,’ Cassandra stated in a tone that brooked no argument. ‘You wish to prove your innocence? This is the only way.’

_Seeker Pentaghast, you just made not just one, but two understatements of the age!_

_How can I be the only suspect? She is a Seeker of some renown; surely she could sense there was no abomination within Lea?_

_Whatever, or whoever, caused such a blast would not have acted alone. It is ridiculous to assume that I am solely responsible._

Not for the first time, Lea pushed those thoughts back and focused on the immediate issue; getting free. There was little point in alienating the woman, and she had no choice either way.

The Maker-cursed mark was going nowhere and no one had the power to remove it. She felt the pain in the world and to withhold what little aid she could provide would have been beyond selfish when she sensed the continued death and destruction around her.

Taking a deep breath, she met Cassandra’s eyes. ‘I understand’, she said quietly. A shimmer of hope appeared in the Seeker’s eyes. ‘Then….’ ‘I’ll do whatever I can. Whatever it takes.’

_How could I not? by the Maker, I wasn't raised to back away from a fight!_

All that she valued and loved was under threat, and she would battle to the death to save them. Wordlessly Cassandra helped her to her feet and they began to move through the village.

Even her experiences as a mage had not prepared her for the open hostility and hate on display. She focused forward, resolute. She had no choice if she wanted to maintain any hope of finding Trystan alive.

Lea felt the suspicion and anger directed to her, saw it in the eyes and body language of the villagers.

_They think I did this! As if one person alone could wreak such havoc!_

Still, people were broken and afraid with no hope. They all, Seeker included it seemed, needed a scapegoat and right now she was it.

_I have to rise above this, focus on what is important. Like saving my brother._

_Time will bring about the change. I need to be patient. Not easy, but I must try._

She knew where the Seeker wanted to take her. Quietly, she followed, gathering her strength for the upcoming battle.

‘They have decided your guilt. They need it,’ Cassandra observed, breaking Lea’s concentration.

It seemed she’d better get used to being hated and judged before having a chance to prove herself.  

_Oh well, not that much different from being a mage, is it?_

Lea had bigger things to focus on and they would all realise their error soon enough. This was a chance to see if there was anyone at all she recognised, who could help with finding Trystan.

\------

Cassandra continued talking, noting that Lea was scanning the crowd. ‘The people of Haven mourn the loss of our most Holy, Divine Justinia, Head of the Chantry. The Conclave was hers.’

_Who was she searching for? For someone? Something? This goes beyond idle curiosity._

_She is hiding something, but what? Who was she looking for?_

Questions that the mage would have to answer once they had dealt with the Breech.

‘It was a chance for peace between mages and Templars. She bought their leaders together. Now they are dead,’ she said solemnly.

Still Lea gave no reaction, even to that provocative statement. She was moved by what she had witnessed in the village, however, even sympathetic to the reaction people were giving her.

‘We lash out, like the sky. But we must think beyond ourselves. As she did,’ Cassandra tried to explain, giving an apology in a way.

Lea did not respond, giving nothing away as they passed from the village to the Temple’s path.

_So be it. We will deal with you later._

‘Until the Breach is sealed,’ she clarified as she cut the rope free from Lea’s wrists. ‘There will be a trial. I can promise no more.'

'Come’, she gestured. ‘It is not far.’


	4. Ser Dwarf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter I have fully completed for now. I hope to have more up soon. I am actually getting a bit aaargh at how long it is taking because I realllly want my Inquisitor to get to Cullen. The companion stuff is just as important too though. So I will give it the time it deserves.

‘Maker take you!’ Cassandra shouted as she destroyed another demon in their way. This path felt like it was going on forever to the forward camp where Cassandra said there was a rift to close.

Lea felt fortunate that her captor was a fighter of some renown. Unsure as to whether her magic would help or hinder at this stage, Lea remained at the back.

‘Well that’s not a luxury I’m going to have any more’, she muttered, as the sickly green light appeared from the sky and vomited up four demons directly in front of them.

There was no way Cassandra could take all of them on herself, she reasoned, as she froze two of them on the spot and shattered them, allowing Cassandra to finish off the other two.

She grabbed a staff from a dead mage nearby, sending a quick request to Andraste to forgive her for any violation, and then suddenly stopped at the sight of Cassandra’s blade pointed directly at her.

‘Drop your weapon - now!’ Cassandra shouted.

_The world might be ending but I had never backed down to a Templar before and I certainly am not going to back down now to a Seeker._

_Particularly not when I am bruised and battered, no time to adjust to this alternate universe I have woken up to._

_Oh, boo hoo Lea. Get on with it!_

Her patience was non-existent by this point.

‘What would have happened just now, Seeker, if I had not assisted with that fight?’ she said heatedly, with no apology for using her magic. ‘I may know very little about this mark I’ve been dubiously blessed with, but I’m pretty sure magic needs to have a living vessel in order to work.'

'If I die, you risk losing the ability to close these rifts and the Breach as it dies with me. I need to defend myself. I don’t need a staff but they can be a help, particularly in close quarters. You are reacting out of fear, not reason,’ she snapped.

‘Besides,' she added, 'I could have killed you any time I wanted in this run-up to the forward camp. But here we are, alive.’

Cassandra reluctantly withdrew her sword, but didn’t cease frowning at Lea. ‘Very well. You do not need a staff for your magic but, equally, I cannot protect you with the demon horde increasing in number and I cannot expect you to be defenceless.’

She walked towards the path and then stopped suddenly. ‘I should remember you agreed to come willingly,’ she grudgingly added.

Lea nodded and took the healing potions Cassandra offered her. She wasn’t foolish enough to read anything more into the gesture beyond a need to keep her, and her mark, alive. But her acknowledging Lea’s willingness to help was at least a small step in the right direction.

Silently, the two women continued to climb up the path battling demons along the way that fell directly from the sky, to Lea’s increasing alarm. Finally they heard the sounds of fighting, managing to reach a group of soldiers battling demons that were appearing out of a rift.

This was the first one she had seen up close, all jagged and with Fade protrusions jutting from the centre. She noted an elf and, interestingly, a dwarf but had no time to consider their unexpected presence.

Every time they took a demon down another appeared in their place, making the fighting furious and intense.

The pulsating waves resonating with this new magic in her body was making her increasingly disorientated, even as she battled the demons with the rest of the soldiers.

She was so lost in her internal focus to manage the sensations whilst fighting, she was startled when the elf materialised at her shoulder and unceremoniously grabbed her hand and pointed it at the rift.

‘Quickly, before more come through!’ he shouted, as her hand shot a steady, fast stream of greeny-yellow flame directly to the rift’s centre.

Lea shuddered as she felt the power course through her, then staggered and dropped her hand as the rift abruptly sealed shut.

‘What did you do?’ she said softly, looking at the elf. Her first impressions were tall, bald, wry and far more intelligent than most.

Warily, and with respect, she studied him; she had not come across such a powerful spirit mage before and was disinclined to antagonise him.

‘I did nothing,’ he replied with a slight smile. ‘The credit is yours.’

‘You mean this.’ She waved her hand slightly.

The elf explained his theory on how the mark could close the rifts given it was probably the same magic that caused the breach.

As Cassandra pounced on the potential of her mark to close the breach, Lea gave an internal chuckle to herself as the elf made a none too subtle hint to the Seeker that this supposed deranged criminal in front of them could hold the key to saving the whole of Thedas.

‘Good to know! Here I thought we’d be ass-deep in demons forever’ another voice said sarcastically, making Lea crack an unexpected smile as she turned to look at the newcomer.

Interestingly, Cassandra was not so thrilled and Lea was intrigued to know who else was nettling the Seeker so.

‘Varric!’ Cassandra shouted angrily, ‘why are you still here? You are not needed.’

‘Why Seeker, I thought I would just stick around. I’m never one to miss action like this,’ the dwarf retorted. ‘Besides, last time I looked you seemed to be on the losing side. Like it or not, you need me right now,’ he beamed cheekily whilst Cassandra turned aside in annoyance at his accurate assessment of their situation.

It was desperate. Lea looked at the soldiers around her, all exhausted and many with injuries. They must have been fighting for days.

‘Varric Tethras at your service, Lady Trevelyan. Rogue, storyteller, and occasionally unwelcome tagalong,’ Lea couldn’t resist a chuckle at the dwarf’s exuberant bow, more appropriate for court rather than a warzone.

Even given her curtailed life in the Circle, she knew of Varric. His books were often found in the Circle and what he achieved with the Champion was the stuff of fairytales. Or nightmares. It was, after all, a small world in Free Marches society and she was not surprised that he knew of her or, for that matter, that her identity was known to her captors. This, however, confirmed it.

‘Varric Tethras,’ she mused aloud. ‘Bosom bow to Kirkwall’s Champion. Slayer of dragons and Arishoks. And, of course, where would we be without your penmanship? Your exploits, ser, are legendary. I am honoured to finally meet you – although I would have preferred it in more…salubrious surroundings.’

He gave her a genuine smile then. ‘Your sister Caya is a force to be reckoned with, my lady. As is Bann Treveylan. It has been my privilege to do business with your family on more than one occasion. Albeit sometimes costly,’ he sighed dramatically, looking briefly at Cassandra who grunted in disgust.

‘But, whilst I would love to sit here and swap gossip, I’m pretty sure our delightfully charming Seeker would prefer we postponed this until we deal with that hole in the sky. Please, though, Varric is just fine. All this ser business gets me ansty. Like I'm about to be arrested.’

‘Very well Varric,’ Lea grinned. ‘but I’ll only agree if you just call me Lea. The title lady is part of a life that no longer belongs to me.’

‘Sure thing, Frosty,’ he said, to Lea’s amusement, remembering Caya’s acerbic comments about Varric, nicknames, and ever-prevelant chesthair; all of which she was, as ever, spot on about.

Amazing that, in the midst of such chaos and death there was time for a quick bit of humour. And just how important and necessary that was. It reminded her that they were still alive, and they had a chance to deal with this. Varric had given her a link to her home; it was now up to her to make sure she could follow it through for everyone's sake.


	5. Hahren

Lea could feel Cassandra’s disapproval doubling by the second; it was coming off the woman in waves, big bristling ones. Sighing, she turned back to her, lifting her hand so they could all see.

‘So, in the interests of closing these rifts for once and for all, what do I need to do with this?’ she asked. ‘I just want to have a quick check before I go charging into another battle.’

‘A reasonable request,’ Cassandra replied, Lea surprised to hear approval behind her words.

‘I have no clue how this came to be’ Lea said quietly. ‘I can feel its magic next to mine, running side by side. It is contrary to my magic as it burns and I can’t cool it – you know, of course, that I specialise in Winter.’ Cassandra nodded.

‘I feel a connection to the Fade I haven’t felt previously though,’ she mused, ‘which is much stronger than normal. Oh and my hand now has this accessory to it. Perhaps I’ll start a new trend in Orlais,’ she muttered somewhat bitterly.

‘That’s because you are connected to the Fade, somewhat like an anchor,’ the elf stated briskly. ‘And I believe that you will be able to close the rifts with it. My name is Solas,’ he carried on, ‘if there are to be introductions.’

‘Ma melava halani Solas. Ma serannas.’ Lea bowed towards Solas, who looked taken aback then gave a formal bow back to Lea, smiling as he did so.

Cassandra looked startled at Lea’s aptitude with Elven, not to mention the respect Solas was already showing her. 

‘Serannas, Hahren,’ Solas replied formally.

Lea nodded towards him, blushing with pleasure at his honorific. ‘I am not sure I deserve such high praise,’ she replied with a smile, ‘but I will endeavour to try and live up to what is needed.’

‘My lady, that is all we can do in our lives,’ he gestured at the sky whilst talking. ‘You have been marked for a monumental task that no one else in Thedas is capable of achieving. I believe from what I have seen of you already to show me you are more than its equal. I am pleased to see you still live.’

‘What Chuckles here means is; I kept that mark from killing you while you slept,’ Varric chimed in.

‘Then I owe you my thanks. You seem to know a lot about this,’ Lea said, curiosity winning the day for the time being. She had always had a thirst for knowledge, and to spend time with the Dalish mages had been an unspoken dream of hers.

‘Unlike you, Solas is an apostate,’ Cassandra said dryly.

‘Technically all mages are now apostates Seeker,’ he replied cheerfully, taking no offense at the term.

Continuing to address Lea, he said more solemnly, ‘my travels through the Fade have taught me far more than any mage from a Circle. I theorized the mark might be able to close the rifts that have opened in the Breach's wake, and it seems I was correct. I came to offer whatever help I can give to close the breach. If it is not closed we are all doomed, regardless of origin.’

Lea couldn’t help herself. She was fascinated. From the moment she had arrived in the Circle she had made it her personal mission to find out as much as she could about magic and its properties. The Fade was one of her favourite places to visit, unlike many other mages. She felt comfortable there, able to be her true self.

But all that was for another day and she squashed down all her eager questions. They all had to survive first.

‘If we live through this, Solas, expect me to be beating a path to your door to learn more,’ she smiled.

‘I look forward to it,’ Solas nodded approvingly. ‘But for now, the mark on your hand is spreading and, if we do not do something about it soon, it will kill you.’

‘Please continue’ she said.

‘Very well. I believe that the way your mark can be stabilised is using it to close the rift. But to all intents and purposes it is permanent.’

Lea turned away at that, feeling the nausea rise again. She felt violated somehow, that somehow something had been added to her body all without her permission. There was seemingly nothing she could do about it aside from randomly point it at various green holes, in the hope that it controlled the damage it was doing to her and to the world.

Solas understood her internal conflict. ‘I am sorry this has been placed in you against your will, nor that you have had no time to absorb the impact of everything that has happened. I cannot imagine how it feels to have such a different magic within you in conflict with your own natural talents. At least now you are awake and able to see for yourself how it works and how we can save your life.You are needed, Lady Trevelyan, in a way perhaps that no one in history has ever been needed before.’

‘It’s true,’ Cassandra confirmed quietly. ‘You are our only hope in closing the hole in the sky. We can deal with what happened afterwards, but for now you must try.’

Well, presented like that it hardly left Lea with any choice.

Not that it matters. Isn't this what all my years of training and education have been for?

Well perhaps mother and father didn't envisage huge gaping gashes in the sky weeping demons, but that didn’t matter.

The fact these people were using a title she no longer had claim to was irrelevant.

_Funny how such petty things suddenly spring up on us at times of crisis..._

_Not now, dammit!_

Lea fought for control, battling against the desire to vomit at everyone’s feet and squashing her fear for Trystan to one side.

She turned away, needing to gather herself again as Solas spoke once more in urgent tones. ‘Cassandra, you should know; the magic involved here is unlike any I have seen. Although your prisoner is a mage, I find it difficult to imagine that anyone could have such power.’

Lea glanced at Solas, surprised and grateful for his support.

_Finally, someone understands that one person alone could not have caused such destruction!_

‘Understood,’ Cassandra sighed heavily, then ushered the party on. ‘We must get to the forward camp quickly. Sister Leliana and Commander Cullen await us there,’ she continued, as the group quickly made their way forward. ‘The way is currently clear, save for one or two demons we may encounter.’

‘Cullen?’ Lea asked questioningly as they pressed on. The name was very familiar to her but she couldn’t place it.

‘Good old Curly,’ Varric chuckled as they moved along the path. ‘Or Cullen Rutherford to the rest of the word. Former Knight-Commander of Kirkwall until the Seeker here persuaded him to come along to the party. Hair and all. I expect he needs more time to curl it here then he did back home. Humidity and so on; used to give him golden ringlets as bouncy as lambs in spring.’

_Really, who has that much chest hair on display up the side of a fucking mountain so cold even I feel it!_

‘You’re a fine one to make jokes about hair…’ Lea quipped, then suddenly went quiet.

_Kirkwall._

She knew exactly who Varric and Cassandra were referring to. What mage in the Free Marches didn't know of the infamous Knight-Commander?

Kirkwall and Ostwick Circles were not particularly cordial with one another and Lea had never visited.

_Fortunately for me, what with crazy Templars, blood mage First Enchanters, Qunari invasions and an apostate who just happened to start the whole mage rebellion by literally igniting the Chantry._

She was about to meet a Templar from the most notorious Circle in Thedas, responsible for some of the worst abuses of trust in Templar history against mages under his watch. Who had control over all the forces of whatever this Inquisition was, and clearly had the respect of the Seeker.

_Things were never as they seemed; I am not going to give any judgement right now._

She remembered too, with some amusement, that the Knight-Commander, or Knight-Captain as he was for most of it, was supposedly so handsome there was enough crap poetry devoted to him from dreamy apprentices and enchanters alike it could have filled half the Circle's library. Even with the horror stories that came regularly out of Kirkwall, it didn't seem to put them off.

_Some mages just don't do themselves any favours._

_There is no fairytale romance with a dashing Templar to carry us off into the sunset._

It was amazing how many of her peers thought that could be possible, and not just in the Ostwick Circle. She'd seen too many fall prey to that impossible dream and pay the ultimate price. Fucked up didn't even begin to cover it.

_Shit, must have said that out loud for Varric to look at me like that! Time to put my Game face back on and remember to watch my step._

Just as Varric opened his mouth to ask what she meant, she felt it was fortunate, (in a very wrong kind of way, that demons suddenly appeared to interrupt their conversation and distract this all too clever dwarf from her line of thinking. She would always prefer to not have such creatures trying to control the real world, but for once she was actually grateful for the mindless respite that fighting gave her.

Yet even with all that she knew, as she shot another lance of ice at a Wisp, Lea did have to admit to herself just how curious she was to see whether rumour would, for once, live up to the truth. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope my Elven is correct - I followed the Wiki guide but happy to be corrected. Solas is so cool, and definitely has the driest sense of humour in the game. He's also far and away the most intelligent of the companions and I often wondered if the devs would introduce Elven farsight. I think Solas has elements of that, as well as being a walking history book.
> 
> Also just tidied up what was a ghastly paragraph with Cassandra, along with a few typos and tweaking the language a bit. Nothing major.


	6. Protector

Cullen was running up the steps, taking them three at a time in his efforts to do something, anything to put an end to the carnage that kept opening up before his very eyes.

_I can't pay any attention right now to the gaping hole in the sky, that….thing._

Beside him his troops were keeping up, exhausted but giving their all still, even after the world was rocked to its foundations in what felt like ages ago. Perhaps they kept up for that very reason. There was nothing left to do but fight.

‘Another rift up ahead’ he called, as the sickly green gash appeared in front of him and spewed more demons into their path.‘Ryden, take a group of men and stay here to clear a path for the Seeker. It’s vital we give her a way through with the prisoner. We’ll get these demons down then join you at the tower’.

He heaved his sword out of the side of a Terror as his men ran past, before whipping round to face a Rage Demon.

This was almost the easy part, a detached voice said in his head, you know the routine and you dance with your blade and do what you must. And in a way, this fighting helped him clear his mind, almost a form of physical meditation. Given his current emotions he almost found the urgency of battle therapeutic in some way.

The hard part came when Cullen thought about the damage and what had been done. That someone had gone and devastated the Chantry and Circles and that all of the leaders had been wiped out.

There was not one bit of intelligence that showed who or why or how such a thing could be achieved. 

_All that I believe in, and damn it all to the Veil, all I sacrificed, destroyed in an instant._

To say he was seriously pissed off was an understatement. He could at least take his anger out on these monsters, feeling a satisfying crunch as he broke the limbs of one at that moment.

_I most definitely can't dwell on her._

She had fallen out of a rift near the Breach almost directly at his feet, immobile and unconscious.

Instinctively gathering up the unresponsive woman into his arms, he saw his men staring upwards, swearing blind there was a woman behind her who pushed her out.

And Maker save him, he saw that the hand of his latest charge was on fire with the same eerie green light that was currently staining the Heavens. He practically ran down to the nearest outpost to get her to a healer, past the intense fighting and rifts opening in a world gone mad.

Her time in chains had done nothing to dim that fire, or halt the fury of the masses and Inquisition leadership alike. Cullen supposed they needed a focus for their despair, and the woman with glowing hand made an obvious target. When they found out who she was he was unsurprised that a mage with her talent and ambition, not to mention who her family were, had found her way to the Conclave.

Cullen was, however, not one to judge on rumour and gossip alone.

_I might be furious, but this woman is not guilty of this crime._

For starters, he knew her brother, the Templar Lord Trystan Trevelyan, and the thought that his sister was involved in any kind of nefarious activity against the Divine was laughable.

Furthermore, her reputation did not lend itself to building upon the chaos wrought by Anders’ actions in Kirkwall, nor Uldred’s obsession in Kinloch Hold.

He had lived through the worst of what mages and Templars alike could throw at him and doubted very much that it could have been caused by just one mage’s power.

And one thing he did know for certain was that there was no sign of possession or abomination in her.

Cassandra was, understandably, not in a mood to listen. He had shrugged and left it. She would realise her error soon enough and had done what he could to petition the prisoner on her behalf.

She was at least tended to by the apostate, whilst they waited for news on whether the mark could aid them at all.

Reserving judgement on whether the prisoner was innocent or guilty was something that could be done at a later date. There would be all the time in the world to play the blame game later.

_Like once these demons were all dead and we figure out a way to close these rifts._

_We will find a way to beat back this invasion from the sky and close the Breach._

Then they would see what to do about the Ostwick mage. He suspected she would not passively submit to anything Cassandra had in mind.

Even knowing who she was, he was still taken aback by how much her magic sang to him, feeling the intimacy of her personal signature vibrate through his own veins. He also could sense the rumbling discord of the green fire in her hand. He hadn’t felt the power any mage that strongly for some months now.

Mentally brushing it aside, he decided her powers must have been out of balance given the nature of the attack, resonating with whatever lyrium was left within him.

_Gossip was on the mark about her lush body, you can't deny that._

He’d have to have been dead to not notice the way she felt in his arms as he held her close to try and bring some warmth back to her freezing body, all soft curves and long legs. Her lightly tanned skin and delicate features were topped off by white-blonde hair, finished with full curved lips tinted a dusky pink.

He’d subsequently halted where that train of thought was going and given himself several mental slaps about such inappropriate thoughts directed at an unconscious woman, let alone one that had appeared from the Fade in such startling fashion.

Cullen put his heightened awareness down to the rumours that had circulated for so long about her, adding to his natural curiosity around her unorthodox arrival at the aftermath of the Conclave.

‘Maker’s Breath, don’t let a nice ass distract you from something as mundane as the destruction of Thedas,’ he muttered to himself crossly as he prepared for another onslaught.

He refused to look at why thoughts of her were so frequently distracting him from his duty. His world had reduced to the repeating rhythm of cut, thrust, parry, dodge, block, repeat. So long as he focused on that, staying on his feet, there was no room to think about his exhaustion, concern for his men, concern that they were all that stood between sanity and oblivion.

There was no room for failure, nor random musings on a potential traitor, no matter how alluring.

‘Commander!’ Cullen heard behind him, turning round to see who was coming this far to the front line against his express orders. He blinked as he saw the woman in question with Cassandra, dragged by the elf up to the rift in front of him. With no ceremony or warning her hand was roughly shoved towards the rift, green flames shooting into its core.

By some miracle, this did something; she had abruptly closed the hole and stopped the next wave of demons. The remaining ones, cut from their source of power, died instantly. His men cheered as he sheathed his sword, checking the field to ensure there were no lingering enemies that threatened.

Naturally, he was above listening the tavern tattle that had circulated about her for years. Information saves lives, he told himself sternly, there's no other reason at all why I need to look at her, need to know more.

 _Yes, Cullen, of course, Cullen,_ his inner voice mocked; _it has nothing to do with wanting to see if those whispers about her were right, whether she deserves the dubious honour of being dubbed the Ice Princess of Ostwick - tempting so many and then dumping them after she got what she wanted._

 _And Maker forbid!_ the voice continued jeeringly _, that you would want to see if she is as lovely as you remembered whist she was in your arms, whether her body would mould to yours so perfectly once you get her into your bed._

Cullen felt her magic again, that seductive music flowing in him as she approached. He raised his eyes almost unwillingly to hers, furious with himself for being so shallow about a woman he didn't even know, all whilst the world fell apart around them.

_Maker damn you to the Veil, I will not be distracted from my purpose!_

Yet at that moment time seemed to stretch, granting him that secret wish he had. It allowed him just that small instant of indulgence in the midst of the chaos to really look at her, to see if his imagination lived up to reality.


	7. Rumour has it....

The power from closing the rift had driven the prisoner to her knees. She rested there a moment then, dusting herself off, she got back up and looked directly at Cullen.

_I have to hand it to Varric - the gossip about this woman’s beauty didn't lie._

Brilliant bright blue eyes held his, almost on a level with his own. Now Cullen could look at her properly, he saw they dominated her face, the almond shape giving her a slightly exotic look that set her apart from the typical Marcher.

Framed by thick black lashes and fine arched eyebrows he saw determination, integrity and sincerity shining from them. She was paler than from when he last saw her, but he sensed she was a mage who did not idle in the Circle for years on end producing research destined to gather dust.

Cullen tried to ignore looking at her lips, but was drawn to them anyway; they were as he remembered, plump, full and that dusky pink that complemented the light tan on her skin perfectly.

His gaze slid rapidly over the rest of her. She stood proud and tall, no shame or apology for what she had been accused of doing. Unruly long, thick white-blonde hair fell in thick strands halfway down her back, having escaped out of the plaits on top of head.

Her armour was fitted enough to remind him, if he needed it, of how athletic yet feminine her figure was; this was a woman used to fighting but who could just as easily leave a trail of devastation in the ballrooms of Orlais.

She was composed, cool and remote but he was suddenly startled to recognise a hint of something...

_That's appreciation deep in her eyes...she is sizing me up as openly I am her._

_Maker's Breath!_

Cullen abruptly slammed those thoughts shut.

_Andraste preserve me, I am in the middle of a warzone!_

_What is it about this woman that makes me take flights of ridiculous fancy at the most inappropriate times!_

Regaining control, he captured her gaze once more as he moved forward to talk to her. Even with the heat of battle, grime on her face and hair out of place, she was lovely.

He knew her elder brother Trystan and her twin Cadan; the latter in particular who had left legions of broken hearts behind him. Cullen had heard the Trevelyan women were all rare beauties. The siblings all looked very similar – Cullen would have recognised her without knowing who she was beforehand.

The green pallor coming through her skin showed that she was running on empty yet, even under the strain she must be under, her magic flowed in concert around her with the hint of a blue aura. That, along with the colour of her eyes, identified her specialisation, showing Cullen a mage completely in control.

That power was calling to the lyrium that still pulsed through his veins even stronger than it had done before. He would identify why the pull to her magic was later, but it had to be that green fire on her hand throwing everything out of order.

As she spoke to him, Cullen was again impressed at her presence, relaxed but alert and watchful. Her voice had hints of steel but was musical, low and soft with the clipped tones that denoted her noble background.

The woman gave almost nothing of her thoughts away....well, all aside from one. He blushed slightly at the warmth he saw in her eyes, which he was fairly sure she had revealed intentionally.

Cullen was no stranger to being desired by women and men alike, but he was usually indifferent.

_I would make an exception for her though._

_Maker's Breath, I am not supposed to think of that here and now of all places!_

_To work!_

Cassandra was going to throw a monumental tantrum at having no one to blame for the Conclave disaster, but he knew there was no way this woman in front of him was responsible. Once the Breach was dealt with, he would make the Seeker see reason.

\-------

As she rested, driven to her knees by closing the rift, Lea felt the weight of many pairs of eyes on her.

_Maker take them all for just one moment!_

_I have to gather her strength again and I will not be harried up that hill by the Seeker until I feel ready to do so._

She stayed down for a moment to get her breath back. And allowing herself to adjust to the overwhelming sense of Templar lyrium that suddenly assailed her magic.

Curiosity got the better of her.

_Well, I wanted to check out whether rumours were true; here is my opportunity._

_Oh Holy Andraste, rumour is, for once, not wrong in the slightest!_

_I_ _f I am about to die, I intend on enjoying every minute the pleasure appreciating a handsome man can give._

She could see immediately how he had earned his reputation both on and off the battlefield.

Tawny amber-gold fire sparked back at her as she pulled herself up and dusted herself off.

Of course, her brothers would be uninterested in the impact those marvelous eyes could have, hence why they never told her. Stormy from the immediate aftermath of the fight, they hid nothing; reflecting intelligence, anger and sorrow.

There were shadows deep within that showed a story still to be told. He was in pain, and not just from the recent battle.

Lea could see he was a direct, honest man, so unlike many of his peers. That sense of protection she had picked up on only came from those devoted to their duty as Templars, confirming what Trystan and Cadan had hinted at – that all was not what it seemed in Kirkwall.

_Ferelden really does breed them big. That definitely meets with my approval._

_And after the day I've had? Maker take it, I will take my time enjoying the view!_

Unable to resist letting a hint of her admiration show, she returned measure for measure the Commander’s frank appraisal. It was so rare that she met a man a good deal taller than her.

His tanned face reflected an inner strength and resolve that spoke of years serving the Chantry outside of the Circle as well as in it, confirmed by the scar crossing his lower lip that had clearly been inflicted in a fight.

_And of course, there are those famed golden locks._

His hair was currently awry as he ran a gauntleted hand through it, moving with determination towards her. He looked battle-weary, as expected, but sharp, focused with his gaze pinned right on her.

Lea recognised the age-old signs of his appreciation of her as a woman.

Mages, Templars, nobles, commoners, they had looked at her that way most of her life and she had learnt to use it to her advantage or ignore it depending on the circumstances.

 _Except….the Commander is an extraordinarily good-looking man,_ a long-suppressed voice within her whispered, _with the warrior all tall and blonde and with just the hint of stubble along his firm jaw, his armour doing nothing to disguise his hard, toned body._

 _I could listen to that voice all day -_ _Ferelden mixed with just a hint of Free Marches._

_He sounds delicious, like warm toffee and whiskey._

Baffled as to how the sound of him made her magic want to curl up and purr next to this Templar, she put it down to this Maker-cursed mark in her hand throwing her off balance.

Shaking her head slightly, Lea refocused, putting her distraction down to her exhaustion. There was a huge battle about to be fought. There would be time to think about all this if they even survived the next few hours. And there was much to think about, to process.

Perhaps all was not lost. This was after all, a new start. The world as both of them knew it was over. It was time to move on. And he could help her find Trystan. Who could she trust?


	8. Preparations

‘Lady Leaena Trevelyan,’ Cullen said in a short tone, addressing her formally, ‘I am glad you and the others made it safely. Many of our men have died to get you here.’

She had so unsettled him he was rather more curt than he intended to be.

Firmly, he put the image of her, who she was and what she just achieved to the back of his mind to process later. He made a mental note of her iron control over her magic and emotions given her recognition of him, a Kirkwall Templar.

_Oh, she knows alright what I have come from._

But curiously, he sensed no judgement, just curiosity. 

‘Indeed, Commander Cullen, there is much to be done in a short time.’ Lea replied calmly.

She seemed to ignore his lack of manners, for all the world as if they were sitting down to a cup of tea in the First Enchanter’s study exchanging pleasantries. Not in the middle of a battlefield spewing out demons with a huge hole in the sky and her brandishing a flaming green hand to the heavens.

_From what I hear, I doubt that throwing a tantrum would be her style anyway._

‘We appreciate your efforts in sealing this rift,’ he continued. ‘My troops are weary and your intervention was…timely,’ Cullen finished, making to move away and discuss the final attack with Cassandra.

‘I am only sorry that we could not reach here sooner, Commander,’ Lea said sadly, looking at the destruction that had been wrought.

\----

Impulsively, Lea reached forward and touched his arm as he was moving off.

_Dear Maker, if magic could purr mine would be thunderous right now!_

She felt the muscled strength and power underneath her hand, unable to resist letting her touch linger slightly.

‘Perhaps I could offer some healing to your men? I have a Rejuvenation spell that might offer comfort to some. It won’t tax me ahead of seeing to the Breach, nor will it take more than a minute or two. Given it is under your watch, that should allay any fears your troops have of magic use?’

‘That would be most welcome, Lady Leaena,’ Cullen replied, surprised yet gratified by her offer. ‘I will gather the ones who wish to receive assistance.’

_So he acknowledges my magic as well as me as a woman._

_Why am I becoming so increasingly fascinated by this man?_

And he used her full name, something few had done for reasons she kept to herself. 

_Mage. Templar. Danger._

She needed to be very careful indeed. There would be time to find out more once she closed this blasted Breach. Turning away, she went to approach Solas to see if he wanted to join her in assisting the Commander’s soldiers.

\--------

Just as he was about to move away, Cullen felt a light touch on his arm and a jolt went through his body. The lyrium, which recently had felt practically dormant, seemed to spark in his veins at her touch.

Lea was making a request to help his men, and he could hardly refuse. Even after she moved her hand, the lyrium continued to sing, making him feel vital and alive in a way he hadn’t for a long while.

_I will deal with that later._

_Maker's Breath why am I so distracted?_

The opportunity for further deliberation had passed, and he had captured more than enough in that quick moment to reassure himself that Lady Leaena Trevelyan was more than up to the task and committed to helping them. A loss of focus now could get them all killed.

With difficulty, he pushed the delectable mage from his mind and listened to what Cassandra and Leliana were debating. The bubble that had held them both for that couple of minutes had broken, but there was much there from that brief exchange for him to think over.

For now, there was a Breach to seal and a world to save.

‘You made it!’ Leliana said with obvious relief to Cassandra, as Cullen came to join them both. Varric stood quietly to one side, watching them, Lea and Solas at the same time, eyes flicking between the groups absorbing every detail. They were conversing with Rylen, identifying those in need of aid most urgently.

Satisfied, he turned to join the rest of the conversation.

Leliana gestured to Lea, whilst addressing an overstuffed cleric whose name Cullen had forgotten. ‘Chancellor Roderick, this is….’

‘I know who she is,’ the Chancellor replied petulantly. ‘I hereby order you to take this criminal to Val Royeaux for execution,’ he announced in pompous tones that grated on Cullen’s nerves.

‘Order me?!’ Cassandra demanded in a fury. ‘You are a glorified clerk. A bureaucrat!’

‘And you a thug, but a thug that supposedly serves the Chantry!’ the Chancellor cried shrilly.

‘We serve the Most Holy, Chancellor, as you well know.’ Leliana interjected.

‘Justinia is dead! We must elect a replacement and obey her orders on the matter!’ Cullen almost wanted to chuckle at the man’s ineffectual arguments, except precious time was ticking whilst they all stood around arguing with no outcome.

Just as he was about to end the discussion, a cold voice cut through the air, snapping them out of their debate.

_And there she reveals the leader she is._

_I'm impressed by how she commands their attention so quickly, bringing them back to reality._

_\------_

‘So none of you are actually in charge here,’ Lea interrupted icily, returning whist Solas checked they hadn't missed anyone.

She shouldn’t have been surprised. The Chantry leadership had been decimated, leaving no clear ruler in charge. There was no time for pointless politicking, which she had little patience for at the best of times.

The Chancellor was a type she recognised, a worshiper of paper, red tape and bureaucracy. He was irrelevant. They needed to act, and they needed to act now.

‘You killed everyone in charge!’ the Chancellor replied, somewhat childishly Lea thought in amusement. He and Cassandra continued to argue over whether it was possible or not to reach the temple, when Cullen stopped them both, clearly irritated with the bickering.

‘My men can clear a path to the temple for Lady Leaena and the rest to get to the Breach. We will incur heavy losses, but speed is of the essence here. We have wasted enough time arguing as it is.’ His tone was final, sending a glowering look at the Chancellor daring him to interrupt.

Cassandra and Leliana nodded, Cassandra turning to Lea for her approval.

Taken aback at the Seeker's sudden change in attitude, Lea thought for a second, looking up at the Breach. ‘We charge,’ she replied firmly. ‘I won’t survive long enough for your trial. Whatever happens, happens now.’

_I sound a bit overdramatic but, Maker, these people will know what a sacrifice they are asking._

She saw Cullen in the corner of her eye before he turned to attend to the troops, stoic at her announcement but with a hint of laughter in his eyes coupled with respect.

_Oops, he knows exactly what I did there._

For some absurd reason, that warmed her right to her core and she felt herself flush slightly at his unspoken compliment.

Ignoring the venomous comments by the Chancellor as they moved off to the Breach, Lea felt a slight spring in her step. There was something worth fighting for, something worth salvaging out of this mess. Sending a prayer to Andraste for the hundredth time that day, she found herself more than ever praying for victory, eager with anticipation for what lay ahead after closing the Breach.

‘Give us time, Cullen,’ Cassandra called over her shoulder.

 ‘Maker watch over you – for all our sakes,’ Cullen replied solemnly, looking at them as they moved off for a brief moment before turning to attend to his troops.

Lea kept herself pointing forward, both of them already focused on the trial ahead of them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact - Leaena is Latin for lioness :)


	9. Righting wrongs

The Breach groaned above them, with the partially sealed rift before her creaking under the pressure from the Fade and demons beyond trying to escape.

Lea looked for key points in the battle ahead where she could stand back and have maximum damage, her battlemage instincts and years of training taking over and pushing all distractions, namely one damned fine looking Templar, to the back of her mind. 

Weighing her staff in her hands, she wished for her old weapon, a fine thing of ironwood and sapphire, but that had been destroyed.

Leliana had joined them as well, her archers taking position all around the top of the shattered temple battlements.

She could also see Solas studying the rift as well; examining it with clinical, professional interest as was she. There had been nothing of its like before and, once she was done with it, nothing of its like would exist again. She rapidly catalogued the key elements in her mind, making a note to go through it all with Solas once this was over.

From the little Lea knew of the mage, he had knowledge she could only dream of and she intended to learn as much as she could from him.

They had heard and seen what Solas confirmed were echoes of the Fade.

The Divine calling desperately for help. A man’s voice, disembodied and warped calling for her sacrifice.

And then Lea herself appeared, interrupting whatever had gone on.

_My family would have found some amusement in that - Lea always poking her nose in, needing to know everything._

Except her childhood inquisitiveness stood her in good stead. She may have helped stop a complete disaster instead of just a partial disaster.

_If you could describe the genocide of the Conclave, warping of the Fade, this weird red lyrium shit and oh, a fucking huge hole in the sky as partial disaster._

Cassandra certainly seemed to have changed her attitude since witnessing the Fade echos, although she was now experiencing her own emotions at seeing the Divine so tortured. The Seeker was desperate for more information, hoping against hope that Lea could give her some kind of explanation for her death.

She was trying to find closure, Lea guessed correctly, but sadly she had none to give her and told her so.

Varric was particularly on edge, the seeping red lyrium everywhere setting everyone on edge. It was a horrid feeling, Lea thought, to see how corrupt it was. She couldn’t imagine the impact of it here at the temple. He’d gone from cracking jokes about his crossbow named Bianca to shifting nervously and impatiently waiting for this fight to be over so he could escape.

_To be fair, I can't blame him. This Temple gives me the creeps._

Suddenly, Solas turned. ‘This rift is not sealed, but it is closed…..albeit temporarily. ‘I believe,’ he continued, ‘that with the mark, the rift can be opened, and then sealed properly and safely. However, opening the rift will likely attract attention from the other side.’

‘That means demons,’ Cassandra cried. ‘Get ready!’

She nodded at Lea to lift her palm up to the mass of Fade crystals to open the rift. With an effort, Lea wrenched it open, heart sinking as a pride demon appeared at its entrance. With no time for talk, they immediately attacked.

It was a long and bloody battle, with Lea acting on Solas’ command to disrupt the rift when necessary, weakening the demon’s power. Leliana's archers did devastating damage and Lea was surprised how well the four of them worked together, given they had only just met.

But, even with all that in their favour, the fight was messy, with no respite. Lea kept herself upright through sheer force of will, refusing to let her ending be at the hands of this hideous creature.

Just when they were at their end, unsure how much more damage they could take, magic exhausted and out of potions, suddenly one final bolt of Varric’s bow thudded hard into the demon, sending it to the floor, finally dead. 

Making a mental note to thank Varric, Lea heeded Cassandra’s shout to seal the rift quickly before something else arrived.

She ran towards it, her hand flaming towards the knotted wrongness of its centre. She felt the anguish in the Fade as it twisted for something beyond its purpose.

With her reserves exhausted from the fight, locked up in captivity and dealing with the strange new magic tearing through her at this moment, she didn’t know if she would survive the sheer power needed to close the hole in front of her.

Her arm was agony, on fire with power she had not been meant to wield, whilst her whole body convulsed with the energy within her finding its release.

Suddenly, Lea felt the rift seal, that energy stopped.

Breaking off the power, she collapsed to the floor of the Temple, not knowing or caring much about what happened next.

As she slipped into unconsciousness, she couldn’t help but register the memory of a golden pair of eyes that saw straight to her soul.

_I must be heading for the Veil._

_Thank the Maker for sending me my way with such a pleasurable memory._

Lea finally slid into blissful nothingness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short one, but it needed to be done.


	10. Ghosts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> please note there is a rape indication in this chapter.

Lea felt she was somewhere in the Fade. Not but was at the same time. It always gave her that slightly seasick feeling as walls and nature warped and drifted in front of her. She had that disconnected sensation, that sense of unreality.

But there was a certain quality to it she was unfamiliar with, something that felt out of step with its usual rhythm.

‘Why Lea,’ a familiar voice whispered in her ear, ‘lost control again have we? The perfect little frigid Winter mage bitch that no one could touch,' the voice ended poisonously as Lea whipped around to confront it, those gravelly tones not hiding their disdain of everything she was and represented.

A misty figure loomed in front of her, threatening and mocking, two red eyes glowing in the dark.

‘Samson?’ Lea gasped in confusion, ‘you’re not here. You’re holed up far away from here. Banished from the Free Marches, from Trystan.'

From her, she thought silently.

'Where you can’t inflict yourself on anyone else again.’ Shaking her head in a desperate attempt to clear the fog, she closed her eyes for a second, breathing deeply.

‘This can’t be right,’ Lea muttered to herself. Something was very wrong.

‘Oh, but it is so, so right, dear Lea,’ Samson chuckled, reaching out one hand and shooting a steady blast of Smite to Ferya’s right hand.

She screamed in agony and driving her to her knees before she had the chance to think further. But Samson was supposed to have been banished, finally leaving her family alone, finally giving Lea the chance to escape from the dark shadow he cast over everything he touched.

_By the Maker, why is he appearing to her in the Fade of all places?_

‘My, what a diverse little thing you have turned out to be, capturing the fire of the Fade itself under your skin – that you have no clue how to use and absolutely no use for,’ Samson continued maliciously, relentlessly, whilst Lea writhed and moaned on the ground.

‘How did you manage that I wonder? Good little Lea actually went against her Chantry-fucking family, interfering with magic that she can’t even begin to fathom? Whose dick did you suck to even get to the Conclave in the first place?’ Sampson tilted his head to one side, fleshless lips curved in a soulless grin.

He paused for a moment, causing Lea to blink upwards in shock at the sudden cessation of pain.

‘You should know Samson, seeing as you tried so hard to rape me yet still failed to get it up. You know I don't put out for just anyone. You certainly didn't....measure up to what I expect from a lover,' Lea choked out looking pointedly at his groin.

Sarcasm dripped from every word, full of contempt for this useless shit passing himself off as a man. ‘I thought you'd know about my promotion, seeing as you felt fit to fuck your way out of trouble with Meredith, of all people.' she continued scathingly. 'I thought she at least had some discretion as to who she allowed between her legs, but it would seem the red lyrium sent her mad in more ways than one.’

Lea grinned at the irritation on Samson's’ face; he had ever fancied himself as a superior lover which was a complete joke. Lea had it on good authority the idiot didn't know one end of a clit from an arsehole. Still, being a loser didn't make him any less dangerous, yet she couldn't help but continue to provoke him.

‘Maker only knows you needed something to compensate for how shit a Templar you were, seeing as you could never best Trystan or any of the others,’ she carried on relentlessly. ‘I guess you had to find a use for your smuggling talents somehow to, ah, encourage your entourage – the whole city knew there was no other way you’d get them into your bed. Worried their knobs would fall off and their twats would seal up knowing where you’d been,' she hissed viciously. 

'Cullen took one look at you and put an end to your fun pretty sharpish didn’t he,’ she ended with a grin that was worth the sudden pain shooting up her face as Samson renewed his attack with extra fury. Lea took a perverse satisfaction at seeing that barb hit home and Samson’s face contort angrily at mention of the Commander.

Well, she thought silently to herself, her speech was only partly true. Sampson had at one point been a talented Templar. He just never matched up to the likes of Trystan, or Cullen for that matter.

And the other problem, of course, was that Sampson was not meant to be capable of doing this. So why was Lea indulging in an argument with this shade of Sampson......whatever it was in the middle of the Fade with a glowing hand to match?

_Because there is a reason for this to be happening._

Andraste only knew what, and she would analyse it when she had the luxury of time. Samson, demon, thing, had sought her out for a reason whilst she slept and somewhere there would be clues in the conversation.

‘Hmm, at least that’s what Trystan told you,’ Sampson-demon-Sampson-whateverhewas laughed heartily at her as Lea faltered slightly at the mention of her beloved older brother, then with a rising temper.

_I will make you wish you had never been born if you are in any way involved with Trystan's disappearance._

_Maker take it, those eyes are not the same any more._

They were burning with intensity, blood-red, triggering the bloodied green lights in her hand and sending an inferno through her body again.

‘Much as it is such fun having a reunion in the Fade,’ Lea replied, gritting her teeth against the pain. ‘I think I’m done now. You always were brash and unable to hide your desires. Knowledge is always power, and I would know you now for what you are.

'And one day,' she threatened, 'If you are so witless as to stalk me again, I will show you exactly why. And, as I know how witless you really can be, do make sure you don’t overexert yourself dear Samson. I’m always happy to be on hand to help you cool off.’

‘It’s time to wake now’ a voice whispered through her subconscious, soothing her green mark as Samson-demon-Samson-whateverhewas mottled with rage, sent blasts of flame towards Lea. ‘What is the meaning of this invasion?!’ he howled in anger as he suddenly began to dissipate in front of Lea’s eyes, that weird red magic passing harmlessly through Lea.

In fact, the whole Fade started to shift and move away as Lea slipped back into wakefulness once more, the image of Samson and his fury erased.


	11. Anticipation

‘I’ve just returned from speaking with Solas and Adan,’ Cassandra announced as she walked into the back room of the Chantry that served as the centre of operations.

Cullen, Josephine and Leliana looked up expectantly, collectively holding their breath.

‘Lady Trevelyan will survive and should waken shortly,’ she said, Cullen noticing the slight break in her voice.

It wasn’t just her feeling the emotion that statement bought about, he thought, sensing the almost unbearable tension he had carried around for the last three days dissipate in a flash. He saw the other two women sag with relief.

They had all been in stasis since the rift was closed and the Breach stabilised, but not closed. Not knowing what to do if the mage died as a result of her efforts to close the rift, leaving them with no options and a world torn apart.

Now there was hope, a chance for change and to wrong the rights not just of the evil actions of the Conclave but to resolve the raging conflict between mages and templars.

Cullen felt his spirits immediately lift. There would be a huge amount of work to do but now, Maker willing, they could at least try.

As they took their places around the table, Cullen focused on the matters at hand. He did not want to dwell on the spark he felt ignite inside him at the thought of Lea herself – well, not at that particular moment anyway. Now he knew she was safe he would take time out to consider all that had happened in the runup to the Breach.

There was, however, a more immediate issue he needed to address.

‘I take it there is no doubt as to Lady Trevelyan’s integrity,’ he said to the assembled group. ‘There is no hint of possession or maleficar in her. She assisted us willingly from the start, as well as aiding my men unasked. I believe she had nothing to do with the explosion at the Conclave.’ Cullen looked across to Cassandra, waiting for her to add her confirmation to his.

‘Cullen is correct’, she replied in a heavy voice. ‘She is certainly not our prisoner any more.’

‘I agree,’ Leliana added. ‘We saw the Fade echoes at the Temple. Most Holy called out to her for help. I suspect Lady Trevelyan was in the wrong place at the wrong time.’ A look of sorrow crossed her face before she continued. ‘It leaves us with the question of who did this, and why.’

‘And what are we going to do about it, and her,’ Josephine murmured. ‘The whole village is calling her the Herald of Andraste, convinced that the woman behind her that your soldiers, Cullen, saw when she left the rift was Andraste herself.'

‘It is apparent that we still need Lady Trevelyan’s assistance in closing the Breach,’ Leliana mused, ‘and that we must utilise this inspiration she has generated among the people to our advantage. She also has connections far beyond any normal mage in southern Thedas which could prove useful.’

‘She is a powerful mage and fighter in her own right as well,’ Cassandra replied. ‘There is much she can bring to us as an individual to negotiate with the fallen Circles; she has a reputation for brokering advantageous agreements and alliances for Ostwick. Mage representation on our group would be valuable.'

Cassandra looked round the group. 'I suggest we include her in our plans for the future, show her what Most Holy had decreed and we take it from there. What say you all to that idea?’

There was no hesitation, Cullen was pleased to see. Everyone recognised the advantages of having Lady Leaena on their side, not just because she was the only person who could seal the breach, but because of what she could bring to their cause in the longer term.

_She is unique._

It could only have been through the work of the Maker that someone like her had arrived with them just when they needed it.

Suddenly, an elf burst through the door in great excitement. ‘Seeker Pentaghast, Sister Leliana’ she said breathlessly, ‘the Herald is finally awake. I have asked her to come and see you all when she is ready.

'Oh,’ she faltered, looking round at the others in the room, ‘I am sorry for intruding. I did not mean…’

Smiling, Leliana moved to the elf, thanking her and watching her exit. ‘They see her as their Herald already,’ she murmured thoughtfully.

Before she could continue, the door opened again as Chancellor Roderick stormed in, brushing aside protests from the guards outside that no one was to be disturbed.

‘How dare you meet without me,’ he cried jarringly, furious at having been left out of their deliberations. ‘I was Justinia’s Chancellor! I have just as much input into this as you do!’

Cullen rose abruptly. ‘Ladies,’ he bowed to them, ignoring the Chancellor, ‘this is a conversation that does not involve me. I have no time to listen to idle complaining. Cassandra, I will be overseeing our troops’ training if you could please join me when you are done.’

She nodded her reply and he turned on his heel, hearing Josephine also making her excuses, albeit with somewhat more charm than he.

As the door closed, he could hear the argument raging inside and, with a wave and grin to Josephine, Cullen made his way out of the Chantry. The fresh mountain air hit him as he stepped outside, moving briskly to avoid the crowds that had gathered outside where Lady Leaena had been resting.

He heard the rumours, the whispers, feeling glad that the people finally had a beacon of hope.

_Will she accept her role willingly or feel coerced?_

_I suspect she will relish the opportunity presented to her. She is not afraid of a challenge._

As he reached the noise and bustle of the training yard, he stopped for a second in the secluded shadows of the gateway, looking out into the distance, allowing himself a moment’s pause.

He liked thinking of her with her full name; it fit her perfectly, elegant, sensual and charismatic. He was curious why she had shortened it. But still, Lea was alive. And would be with them for some time to come.

Cullen had not allowed himself a moment to think about what those brief minutes on the mountaintop had meant, but he’d be lying if visions of that thick, long white-blonde mass falling down her back, his fingers curled in it, had not crept in. He’d absolutely not allowed himself to think of anything more.

 _Lies Cullen, what lies_ , whispered that same sardonic voice again, _you’ve thought about having her in every position possible. With that hair in disarray whilst she’s on top, riding you hard and calling your name as she comes. Those eyes holding yours whilst she goes down on you, sliding your dick between those perfect pouting pink lips._

 _She’s even a mage - good Chantry boy like you shouldn’t be breaking the rules should you? But you like tasting the forbidden fruit, Cullen, don't deny it,_ it hissed relentlessly.

'Oh Fuck It,' Cullen swore loudly at himself with frustration, startling a nearby guard who he absentmindedly waved on.

Even here at one of the most unsexiest spots possible – his precise reason for heading to the training ground - just the simple memory of Lea had him hardening like a lusty schoolboy. 

Ruthlessly cutting off the train of thought that would only lead to disaster and controlling himself with some effort, he instead forcibly banished that voice to the very recesses of his mind.

Cullen blushed, feeling somewhat ashamed at himself for fantasising about a woman who had been through so much and whose acquaintance he’d had for a matter of minutes.

Instead, he focused on his relief that she had come through the pain of closing the rift and that he could take his time to get to know her.

_She was quite openly admiring me, liking what she saw._

_That dry sense of humour at the Temple showed her able to enjoy the mundane, even in the thick of madness._

Sex should not have been the first thing on his mind when it came to Lea. He could always find a willing partner in the short-term to take his mind off the one woman he couldn't have if he felt that desperate, which he didn't.

_A woman such as she demands a man's full attention. Commitment right now would be a disaster._

_I also doubt a mage and an ex-Templar would be on the same page._

That said, he had never denied himself taking pleasure in the company of beautiful, intelligent women and he wasn’t about to now.

Smiling in anticipation of seeing her once more, he moved forward to his troops, feeling lighter than he had done since leaving Kirkwall.


	12. Awakening

Lea awoke with a start, pouring with sweat and completely disorientated for a moment. A loud crash snapped her quickly into reality and she turned to see an elf prostrate on the floor.

‘It’s alright’ she said quickly, urging the elf to stand.

 _Since when has anyone bowed to me like that_?

The elf babbled something about Heralds, Andraste and there being no talk of a trial and Cassandra really needing to see her urgently before she shot out the door like a scared rabbit.

Lea appreciated the peace and quiet, taking a moment to orientate herself. She was in a small wooden lodge, fire crackling in the hearth and, thank the Maker, a bathtub had been filled and was waiting for her.

She stank of sweat, fire, fever, blood and battle and her hair was sadly in need of attention. The Seeker would just have to wait a while longer; there was no way Lea was going anywhere without a bath first.

Looking around, she spied some soap similar to the scent she always used and that someone had thoughtfully laid out combs, clips and a range of perfumes and make-up for her to use. She grabbed an orange-scented bath oil, poured it liberally in the tub and peeled off her tattered armour, now only fit for the fire.

‘Aaaah,’ she sighed out loud as she immersed herself in the tub. She rested for a few moments, eyes closed, before scrubbing her body and hair several times in an attempt to wash off the smell of death that still seemed to linger. She brushed her hair out, draping the back of it over the tub so she could lie back and relax for a while before the real world reclaimed her.

There was so much in Lea’s memory, so much to sort through and it would be impossible to do so right now.

_Trystan, where are you?_

She’d have to send word to her family immediately and see if someone could come; hopefully Cadan. Lea missed her twin badly.

_Was there any connection with your disappearance and Samson appearing in my dream? Maker, I hope not._

Lea resolved to make that her first priority once her business with the Left and Right Hands of the Divine was concluded.

_Hopefully today?_

_Oh no. Flaming green hand is still there._

The green light still flickered under her skin, calm for now but most definitely still present. It didn’t hurt as it had done previously, and seemed to stop spreading up her arm. She’d hoped with that massive effort at the Temple it might have burned itself out, but no such luck.

This was the first opportunity since the disaster at the Conclave that she had some peace to absorb everything that had happened, Lea realised, as she let her mind wander back to the events at the Temple.

She had no recollection of what the Fade echos suggested; her last memory before waking up in the cells of Haven’s Chantry had been shuffling into yet another dreary meeting, mages and Templars doing nothing but bickering at one another.

Trystan had decided to skip that day’s negotiations, preferring to catch up with some groups from Ferelden he knew well.

_Then I woke up, my hand literally on fire, accused of wiping out the senior Chantry leaders in Thedas._

_My, what an achievement that would have been for me._

She felt surprisingly little about the disappearance of her colleagues. Lea had always been set apart from them somewhat due to her noble birth, although things had always been amicable asides from the odd jealous apprentice or enchanter. 

_We were lucky at Ostwick though.  It was no Kirkwall. I got to go home, travel to other Circles._

_And I had Trystan._

Her father, Bann Alan Trevelyan, was not a man one said no to easily.

_I was actually out of the Circle quite frequently as its representative, looking back._

_Now I can add crazy green handed lady to my battlemage resume._

Ever pragmatic, Lea saw the opportunity that was currently presented

_There is no point dwelling in the past. Think of the potential!_

_Actually, whilst we are on the subject of potential...._

_How about the utterly gorgeous Commander?_

Closing her eyes with a sigh, she remembered with sensuous pleasure the strength of his arm underneath her hand, the shape of his muscular body and those stunning eyes that she could melt into.

_Fuck it, I could have come there and then just listening to him talk. What an accent that man has!_

Remembering the fire in his eyes as he mentally stripped her naked, all whilst in the heat of the battle, she felt her own body respond. She imagined what it would be like to have him slowly teasing her with his cock sliding in and out of her, making her soaking wet, holding her up against the wall so she couldn’t move, kissing her deeply whilst making her beg for more…..

Resisting the urge to slide her hand down between her legs and stroke her now throbbing clit – _no time to luxuriate in that fantasy, Lea_ \- she did allow herself to think about Cullen a bit more.

_He wants me._

She suddenly gave a wicked smile as a thought occurred to her. ‘Naughty, naughty Commander Rutherford,’ she whispered, feeling another flood of heat through her body.

How his desire for her must run against everything he learnt in the Chantry, yet she would bet her last coin that he had slept with mages before. 

‘Turns you on to break the rules, does it?’ she murmured delightedly. A man that looked at her like that was no virgin, and getting his kicks from fucking those on the wrong side of Chantry law meant he wouldn’t be all boring in the bedroom.

_Unlike so many uptight Templars I know of. Urgh._

She, of course, was not a virgin either, having taken a series of lovers since she was sixteen. She loved sex; the more adventurous the better, but equally she was incredibly selective, refusing to just fuck anyone simply because she felt the urge.

_Caya, you are wise. Sex is a weapon._

_To get what I want, where I want_. 

There had been no one she ever felt the desire to commit fully to, or relax completely with. That required trust, something Lea did not do lightly.

_Shame - that lack of desire to commit also applies to Commander Rutherford._

_I have other priorities than dallying with handsome Templars, no matter how much they make me want them just by looking at me._

As she rose from the bath and dried herself off, she couldn’t help notice how wet thinking about Cullen had made her. No man had ever had such an impact, especially on such short acquaintance.

_Men like him do not do things by halves._

_I would have to give all of myself. I can't do that._

Lea sighed. If he decided to take another she wouldn’t be bothered given she couldn’t call him hers. _A bit sad maybe_ , her inner voice reminded herself.

_Correction - I would be bothered, ever so slightly so._

_But it is out of my control._

Besides, he was a Templar and the whole mage-Templar thing was complicated. She knew, having made the one mistake of having a Templar lover before.

_They think we are incapable of preventing possession, that we need to be treated like fragile little dolls._

_They think we can't take care of ourselves. We have been trained to not think for ourselves. This attitude has been ingrained for hundreds of years_.

Whilst she disagreed with the methods of the rebels, she was secretly excited by the possibilities for mages now the Circles had been abandoned and fully intended on taking her place as one of the leaders in forging their new society.

_I'm going to relax in his company, enjoy him for the man he is._

_Sex only complicates things anyway._

 

Lea was actually looking forward to speaking to him and finding out more about the man himself behind the Knight-Captain infamy. Once she had the essential discussions out of the way, perhaps he would also have some advice on Trystan.

And she needed to keep up her training and just maybe he'd spar with her.

Lea sighed, sitting naked by the fire and drying her hair off with a quick warming spell, deep in thought. There was just too much to do and no time for a fling.

_No man would really substitute properly for what I want Cullen to give to me._

_It is best to leave it all alone._

As she rose and arranged her hair, she switched to thinking about the upcoming meeting. Appearance was everything. She was grateful for the chance to wear it down where it fell halfway down her back near to her waist, held out of her face by a beautiful jeweled headband to give her a feminine touch.

Grimacing, she saw the outfit laid out for her was hardly flattering; some strange brown pyjama suit with matching slippers and a breast band, instead of the usual corsetry she had specially sent from Orlais. S

hrugging, she put it on, unconscious of the fact that she had the ability to make any outfit look good. Lea left the make-up, save for a quick smudge of kohl on her eyelashes and upper eyelids, and a slight hint of light-blue powder on her eyes. She had a flawless complexion and the fire had added just the right amount of colour to her cheeks.

_That’s better._

Aside from a slight headache, she felt almost herself again and ready to face whatever Cassandra had to offer. Standing upright, she squared her shoulders, took a deep breath and opened the door to Haven.


	13. Herald

The path up to the Chantry from her little hut was lined with people, Lea was astonished to see.

_What on earth are they waiting for?_

She didn’t sense any hostility from them, rather a sense of gratitude and awe. Confused as to why that might be, she wasted no time in heading through them towards the Chantry building she saw overlooking the village to speak to Cassandra.

As she moved steadily past, she heard repeated murmurs of ‘Herald of Andraste’.

_What a paragon of tediousness that person must be!_

_Bosom bows with that turgid Chancellor Roderick, come to cart me off to my dungeon?_

With more seriousness, she guessed that person to be some dusty relic from Val Royaeux resurrected in light of the death of the Divine to take order. Times were unprecedented and the Chantry needed to do something to fix things before they became unfixable

Ignoring the bizarre title, Lea instead took the opportunity to rapidly survey the village, from what she could see of it. Tents were peppered in between huts but overall, little had been damaged during the explosion of the Conclave, which boded well for Trystan’s survival.

_So long as he didn't do a one-man assault on the Temple after the explosion._

_Which is entirely possible._

Clerics were standing nervously outside the Chantry as she approached, whispering and pointing at her as she walked through the doors. It was a small building, as places of worship went, but beautifully decorated and with some hangings and depictions she had never seen before.

Making a mental note to come and study the library here soon, she carried on through the main hall to the door where two guards stood.

Pausing a second as she heard raised voices from within, she waited to see if they calmed down before she entered. Lea had no interest in being embroiled in an argument that had nothing to do with making progress on this nightmare situation.

‘Have you gone completely mad!’ Lea winced as she recognised the Chancellor’s whine. ‘She should be taken to Val Royaeux immediately, to be tried by whoever becomes Divine!’

‘I do not believe she is guilty,’ she heard Cassandra respond in that no bullshit voice of hers.

‘The prisoner failed, Seeker. The Breach is still in the sky. For all you know, she intended it this way.’ Lea shook her head with some amusement at such a ridiculous statement.

_I should be flattered that he thinks me capable of such a huge amount of power._

The Chancellor was completely ignorant of such matters. Deciding to not waste any more time, she walked up to the guards.

‘Senior Enchanter Trevelyan here to see Seeker Pentaghast,’ she said softly. They nodded and opened the doors for her to enter.

The Chancellor was in a standoff with Leliana and Cassandra, Lea saw, making demands for her removal to Val Royaeux when he noticed her. The guards instead ignored him, closing the doors once more at Cassandra’s orders.

‘Chancellor, do you have any idea of the strength of magic involved in opening the Breach?’ Lea drawled in her haughtiest voice as she nonchalantly strolled in, fully intent on infuriating him further.

She was bored of this petty little man and his continual stalling tactics, and let her opinion of him show. ‘Trying to close the damned thing nearly killed me. There is no telling what power the group who did this has at their command.’

‘The Breach is still a threat. I will not ignore it,’ Cassandra added in a dangerously soft tone.

‘And yet you live,’ he sneered. ‘A convenient result, insofar as you are concerned.’

‘Have a care, Chancellor,’ Cassandra said sharply. ‘The Breach is not the only threat we face.’

‘Someone was behind the explosion at the Conclave. Someone Most Holy did not expect.’ Leliana added threateningly, making the Chancellor take a step back. ‘Perhaps they died with the others – or have allies that may yet live.’

‘I am a suspect?’ he cried in outrage.

‘You, and many others,’ Leliana retorted.

‘But not the prisoner,’ the Chancellor ground out in anger.

‘Leliana and I heard the voices at the temple. The Divine called to her for help,’ Cassandra said in frustration, trying and failing to get this obtuse man to understand.

‘So her survival, that….thing on her hand. All a coincidence?’ was the sarcastic reply. Lea rolled her eyes but said nothing further. There were better things to do than listen to this idiot prose on and she just needed to wait for the Chancellor to dig an even deeper hole for himself.

Cassandra finally snapped. ‘Chancellor Roderick, do you deny that I am a Seeker?’ Shaking his head slightly he tried to reply but she stopped him with a raised hand. ‘Are you therefore implying that I am unable to identify truth from fiction?’

‘No,’ he replied quickly, but she cut him off again.

‘This is providence. The Maker sent her to us in our darkest hour,’ she finished.

Lea found it hard to maintain her composure at that point. She didn’t feel Maker-sent whatsoever. That would have her brothers rolling on the floor in fits of hysterics, not to mention her old colleagues at the Circle if there were any still around.

‘It’s very charming of you to think I am some sort of gift from Andraste,’ Lea said flatly in her discomfort, ‘but I think you’ll find that isn’t the case. No matter what people believe.’

Appalled at the very thought, she saw the slight disapproval on Cassandra and Leliana’s faces.

_For fuck’s sake! This is firmly in the realms of blasphemy!_

_On the word of precisely bugger all!_

And even worse, they had put her at the very centre of it, not the dusty cleric as she had originally thought.

_That will teach me to be flippant._

A brave new world was one thing, but to declare she was some sort of Holy retribution was another thing entirely.

‘Regardless of what you may or may not believe,’ Cassandra replied coldly, ‘you were sent to us at a time when we needed you most.’

‘The Breach remains,’ Leliana said in more conciliatory tones, ‘and your mark remains the only hope of closing it.’

Seeing the Chancellor about to launch into another attack, Lea said no more and decided to let this religious rubbish rest until there was more privacy.

‘This is not your decision to make!’ he shouted.

Cassandra ignored him. Instead she turned around, reaching for an enormous tome from the shelf and slammed it down onto the table.

‘Do you know what this is Chancellor?’ Cassandra spoke to him like a child, Lea thought, watching his face pale with every word she said next. ‘A writ from the Divine, granting us the authority to act.’

Her next words sent a shiver down Lea’s spine as she listened, somewhat apprehensive yet filled with the thrill at how this would impact on all their futures.

‘As of this moment, I declare the Inquisition reborn.’ Cassandra announced, turning on the Chancellor. ‘We will close the Breach, we will find those responsible and we will restore order. With or without your approval.’

With no other arguments left to him, the Chancellor turned and stalked out of the room. Lea was sure they hadn’t heard the last of him, but all three of them released a breath at his departure, the tension in the room easing somewhat. Still rocked by all she had heard, Lea looked questioningly at the other two, awaiting an explanation.

Leliana gestured towards the tome on the table. ‘This is the Divine’s directive,’ she explained softly, ‘rebuild the Inquisition of old. Find those who will stand against chaos.’

‘The first Inquisition?’ Lea asked wonderingly. ‘That led to the establishment of the Templar Order after the First Blight?’

‘The same,’ Leliana confirmed. ‘But we aren’t ready,’ she fretted as she paced up and down in agitation. ‘We have no leaders, no numbers and now no Chantry support.’

‘But we have no choice,’ Cassandra said, her voice filled with resolve. ‘We must act now. With you at our side, Lady Trevelyan.’

Lea was quiet for a moment, thinking furiously. She felt light-headed from her prolonged recovery, lack of food and the sheer enormity of what had just been discussed. Not to mention her underlying anxieties for Trystan. Family would always be a priority, yet what fate would they have if the world was swallowed up by whoever was crazy enough to cause the Breach?

‘I presume this will mean we operate outside of Chantry and Templar law?’ she asked.

‘Is that what you see us as, a part of the Chantry?’ Cassandra snorted disparagingly.

‘Seeker,’ Lea shot back, irritated by Cassandra’s dismissal of her question. ‘I fail to understand why you are being deliberately obtuse. This directive comes from what was the head of the Chantry. Or did the Divine suddenly start a new religion on her own?’

Seeing Cassandra stiffen at her words, Lea carried on impatiently. ‘I ask because I need to know if anyone can overrule a decision the Inquisition makes; be it a new Divine, the Lord Seeker or the Knight-Vigilant? I take it we are independent?’

‘The Templar Order has lost its way and stands in complete chaos as you probably know. There has been no new Knight-Vigilant elected since the death of all the senior Templar leaders at the Conclave.’ Leliana hastily replied, understanding why Lea was probing into their command structure.

‘Lord Seeker Lucius is….not the man he once was,’ Cassandra added, her tone more controlled as she reappraised Lea with narrowed eyes. ‘I have sent repeated messages but had no response. We cannot rely on their support and should even consider them as a potential threat.’

‘With the Divine dead, there is no one,’ Leliana said softly. 

‘No,’ Cassandra agreed somberly, ‘we are on our own. Perhaps forever.’

_Not a bad thing at all, for the Inquisition to be on its own._

_Politics will be reduced and we would not have the baggage of the Chantry and Templars._

It could be a force to be reckoned with, responding quickly and assertively but not having a messy chain of command. The idea of joining was becoming more and more appealing.

‘And what is my involvement expected to be in this?’ She wanted to know exactly what they had in mind for her. 

_I would be a full member of their team or not at all._

_I will not be some notional puppet sticking her hand up at rifts as and when required, the rest of the time being kept in a gilded cage._

With a Templar to watch over her, no matter how attractive he was.

_Being locked in a room with the Commander and all the numerous possibilities that could bring...._

_Maker! certainly not during this discussion!_

Drat the man, how did he have the power to affect her so in such a short space of time? Firmly, she dragged her wayward thoughts back to the discussion.

Leliana’s next words reassured her. ‘Lady Trvelyan, we know you are a mage of some standing with the former Circles, and I understand your powers are not insignificant. We also know you are the member of one of the most respected noble houses in the Free Marches and have connections that spread throughout Thedas.’

Lea nodded her acknowledgement but said nothing, still waiting to hear what the offer was.

‘We would expect you to join us as an equal partner in helping to seal the Breach and find those responsible,’ Cassandra added after a pause. ‘That is why we asked you today to join our discussion, so you are part of our deliberations from the start.’

She paused for a second, her eyes never leaving Lea’s. ‘It would be a huge asset for the Inquisition to number a senior enchanter who understands battle magic as part of its leadership, not to mention the status you as a noble will bring to negotiations,’ she stated.

‘I am, as you may have guessed, deeply uncomfortable at the thought of being Herald of anything,’ Lea countered. ‘I do not believe for one moment I am the Maker’s chosen and feel it a cruel deception to pass me off as such to people who have already been through too much. There must be another way to deal with this.’

Two sets of eyes stared hard at her for a moment, before Leliana replied. ‘I understand this may be somewhat disconcerting for you,’ she began, ‘but this title is coming from the people, not us. They have witnessed the destruction of everything they hold dear, the near end of the world.

'There was a woman behind you in the rift. Who is to say what train of events started this off? The people need hope,’ Leliana continued gently, ‘and you can bring that hope to them.’

Lea sighed, feeling pressured into accepting a title she neither wanted nor expected. Sensing this, Cassandra elaborated further. ‘There are some who may believe you to be Andraste’s Herald, but there are many more who still believe you are guilty. Being part of the Inquisition will enable us to help you.’

‘Indeed, Seeker,’ she replied calmly, agreeing with what they both said but needing time to process it all. ‘There is much for me to consider in your offer which is certainly an attractive one. It seems that, no matter what I do, there is no escaping that blasted title,’ she grimaced.

_If I am part of the Inquisition i could find Trystan far easier than on my own._

_Surely that is worth adding another title to all the other useless ones i have already?_  

And then she grinned, startling them both with her abrupt change from Senior Enchanter to just plain Lea.

‘It sounds, to be honest, the greatest opportunity in the world,' her voice full of laughter. 'It's going to be the ride of our lives. Count me in,’ she said smiling, as she held out her hand.

Leliana and Cassandra allowed themselves to smile back, the first time in a long time that there had been anything to smile about. They took Lea’s outstretched hand one by one and shook it firmly.

‘Now,’ Lea said breezily, ‘if there’s no more business to attend to, where can I get some food? Not eating for three days makes me feel like I’ve ingested one too many deep mushrooms.’

‘Head to the tavern for now for a meal,' Leliana suggested. 'We’ll discuss further arrangements later today.'

‘We shall reconvene in two hours Lady Trevelyan, back here in the Chantry,’ Cassandra added.

‘There is much to be done and very little time to do it,’ Lea agreed. ‘But for now…I will go and eat. Life is always appreciated better on a full stomach.’ She gave them both a wave and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have heatwave brain and published that by mistake without going through it fully, sorry about that. The content is still the same but I've made some changes to language - and amended a few typos. Hopefully it reads much better now.


	14. Reflection

There was a moment of still as Cassandra and Leliana watched the new Herald of Andraste casually saunter out of the room, as if they had done nothing more than discuss the weather.

‘She has that unconscious grace and arrogance that only comes of being a noble doesn’t she,' Cassandra muttered disapprovingly.

Leliana stared at Cassandra for a moment, then burst out laughing as she saw the Seeker meant every word. ‘Cassandra, seriously,’ she said with mirth, ‘you do realise you are exactly the same, oh Princess of Nevarra! The expression pot and kettle comes to mind,’ Leliana grinned, enjoying seeing Cassandra lost for words.

‘Hardly,’ spluttered Cassandra. ‘Lady Trevelyan uses her body as a weapon. I would wager she is a master at the art of deception,’ she said scornfully. ‘I have no time for such games.’

‘What woman does not utilise what tools she has at her disposal to gain the upper hand, Cassandra,’ Leliana chided, all hints of jesting wiped out. ‘The Herald has had to survive in challenging circumstances as a mage to rise as far as she did before the Circles fell. We cannot begrudge her for identifying her strengths and deploying them to her advantage.’

A hint of respect entered her voice as she continued on. ‘She is well versed in The Game; indeed I believe she views this as but another part of the whole. A sensible approach to take when there are so many unknowns.’

‘Urgh,’ Cassandra grimaced, a look of severe distaste on her face at mention of the Orlesian national pastime. ‘That merely means she has superior talents in double-dealing. It matters not to me how she chooses to pass her time so long as she stays alive long enough to close the damned Breach.’

‘Cassandra, enough. That is unworthy of you,’ Leliana said firmly. ‘You do not know this woman well enough to have formed such a damming opinion. I have no idea why you have so rapidly taken against her, but you will have to get over it one way or another.’

Cassandra sighed. ‘You are right,’ she replied wearily. ‘She is a mage, Leliana, one of the strongest I have ever met. She has a reputation for manipulation and wilfully discarding people once she has finished with them….’

‘Her lovers you mean,’ Leliana said with amusement at Cassandra’s discomfort as she refused to allow her to avoid the topic.

‘If you insist, yes, but not just those,’ Cassandra continued doggedly, ignoring the teasing light in Leliana’s eyes. ‘I have never met a mage that is so openly…proud and self assured. There are plenty of arrogant ones, but this is something beyond that.'

'She is spoilt,’ she continued, the heat in her voice rising, ‘given privileges well above and beyond what should have been allowed for one in the Circle. And I worry that the mark she now carries awards her a unique power; one she will use to twist events in her favour.’

Leliana considered the Seeker for a long moment, saying nothing. Cassandra reddened slightly under her scrutiny, both of them knowing all too well that she was skirting the issue that she had felt too uncomfortable to voice and was beginning to sound ridiculous.

‘The Herald is a unique creature, Cassandra, of that there is no doubt,’ Leliana replied finally. ‘Let us review what we do know of Lady Leaena Trevelyan and see if there is something there that will reassure you.’ Sensing she was about to get a lecture, Cassandra opened her mouth to retort that she needed no reassurance, but Leliana held up a hand.

‘Cassandra,’ she said in a hard voice, ‘you are going to have to find a way to work with this woman. I will share with you in confidence some information I have that wasn’t included in those reports that may help. And remember,’ she said with a moment of frustration, ‘asides from closing rifts, we don’t even know what her role with the Inquisition will be yet!’

Cassandra nodded curtly. ‘Just let me send runners for Cullen and Josephine and ask them to attend us with Lady Trevelyan later.’ She called for a guard whilst looking for her copy of the report on this woman from Leliana’s spies, and settled down quietly to go through it once more once the orders had been issued.

She couldn’t focus on it properly, particularly given she knew it by rote already. No, this was a smokescreen for a far different emotion she was experiencing. Cassandra was confused, thrown off balance by Leaena Trevelyan.

_Mages were not meant to be like her! She does not fit with the pattern that is expected of a Circle mage of her standing!_

_I have already falsely accused her once. I am not used to making mistakes._

The feeling it generated was most unwelcome.

As a result, she was inclined to view their newest recruit with disfavour. The fact that it was also grossly unfair towards Lady Trevelyan, and a situation entirely of her own doing, made her feel even more irritated.

\----

Leliana chose to ignore the glower on Cassandra’s face, instead reading from the top of her notes. ‘Senior Enchanter Leaena Trevelyan of the Ostwick Circle. Specialisation Winter, focus Battlemage, although she is highly proficient in all four schools of magic. Due to her noble background and negotiating skills she was also included in the Ostwick delegation to the Conclave. At 32 she is the youngest daughter of Bann Alan and Lady Elowyn Trevelyan,’ Leliana recited, then put her papers down before continuing.

‘She has three siblings; the Trevelyan heir apparent, Caya, Trystan who, prior to the mage rebellion, was Knight-Captain of Ostwick, and….’ here she stalled but for a moment. Long enough, however, for Cassandra to look up sharply, ‘her twin brother Cadan.’

‘You seem familiar with her twin, Leliana,’ Cassandra probed.

‘Yes,’ Leliana said, regaining her composure and continuing on, absently walking around the room at the same time.

‘He is what could be considered the black sheep of the family. Ran away to join the Raiders of the Waking Sea at fourteen and didn’t return home until the time of the Kirkwall uprising. He had been injured during a skirmish with the Qunari and now instead operates as a spy for Ferelden.’

‘I am not at all surprised to hear of a Free Marcher being involved in smuggling,’ Cassandra chuckled dryly. ‘It seems to be a national pastime. But from smugger to Ferelden spy! How is that possible!’

It did not escape Cassandra’s notice that Leliana was reciting all this information about Lord Cadan Trevelyan as if she had actually been there for some of it. Choosing to let it pass for the moment, she instead waited to hear more about this rather enigmatic Free Marcher who had somehow become involved in the upper echelons of Ferelden politics.

_And captured the attention of the Nightingale on a very personal level._

_Few had ever achieved this._

‘He acts as an agent for Freya Amell, Chancellor of Ferelden,’ explained Leliana.

‘Wait,’ Cassandra frowned, ‘Freya Amell, the Hero of Ferelden?’

‘And Warden Commander of Ferelden, not to mention King Alistair’s long-time partner,’ Leliana said, face blank for a moment. She, Alistair and the Hero went back a very long way and remained close friends still.

‘The reason why Alistair has never married,’ Cassandra said, her face softening slightly.

‘And never will,’ Leliana stated quietly. 

Even when the Hero chose Alistair to be king, knowing he would be flatly denied marrying Freya due to her non-noble lineage as a mage, he remained faithful to his love. Rumour was they remained inseparable to this day.

Cassandra sighed inwardly at the romance of it all although she refused to show it, her expression even more forbidding to compensate for such a frivolous emotion.

'He declined to release Lady Amell into our service,' she grumbled out. Alistair had indeed point blank refused, in a letter that told the Seeker precisely where she could get off ordering his Chancellor around in language more suitable to a stable hand. 

'I am sure he has good reason to say no, and I respect that. He of all monarchs understands the threat we are up against and would help if he could,' Leliana replied absently.

She still had a far-off look in her eyes as she returned to the Trevelyan family. ‘Did you know that Lady Caya Trevelyan is married to a member of the Ferelden nobility?’ Cassandra shook her head.

‘They introduced Cadan to Freya and the rest is history. Ex-smugglers have skills you can’t begin to imagine,’ she smiled, clearly remembering something from the distant past, some illicit pleasure if that satisfied quirk to her lips was anything to go by.

Cassandra made a promise to herself to get to the bottom of the mystery someday. Leliana lived for her secrets but Cassandra had made a career of finding them out and this one, she was sure, promised to be gold.

‘They are an amazingly loyal family,’ Leliana finished briskly, returning to the reports on Leaena herself. ‘They stood by the wayward son – who went wild after he was separated from Leaena when she went to the Circle – and also ensured their youngest daughter did not become marooned in a tower for the rest of her days. Bann Alan and Lady Elowyn are what you could call progressive parents.’

‘Progressive how?’ Cassandra asked dubiously.

‘They remain devout Andrastians, but broke with long-standing tradition of sending their younger children straight to the Chantry,’ Leliana said. ‘They believe serving the Maker is a calling rather than something forced onto an individual and allowed their children to make the choice. Not that Leaena had any, of course.’

‘But Trystan Trevelyan is a Templar. He chose to follow that path?’ Cassandra asked, intrigued in spite of herself by this complex family. Leliana smiled to herself slightly; her strategy to warm Cassandra up to the mage was working.

‘He did; he was already with the Ostwick Templars when Leaena’s magic manifested itself,’ Leliana said, frowning. ‘I can’t imagine whether it is a blessing or curse having a sibling in training as a Templar when you are carted off to the Circle, but it seems to have worked in her favour.'

'But,’ she continued, ‘we have to remember that just because one is supposed to leave a noble title behind when in the Circle, the reality is that never happens. She continued in a position of privilege simply because of who she was. Having a Templar for a brother also ensured she didn’t receive the same level of abuse that others would have experienced, and she already knew much about the Order.’

Cassandra was surprised. ‘She received instruction from Templars prior to entering the Circle?’

‘Correct,’ Leliana confirmed. ‘All four Trevelyan children were in combat training as well as Chantry schooling from around the age of four. Bann Alan believes in preparing his family for any outcome. So Leaena already knew half of the Templars even before she joined the Circle. And the Knight-Commander of Ostwick was also one of Bann Alan’s closest confidants.’

‘And she was even allowed home?’ Cassandra had been astounded by this piece of information.

‘Indeed,’ Leliana replied. ‘Astonishing is it not. She even was able to take friends. Several weeks at a time in summer I understand, as well as regular visits throughout the year. Complete with her own troop of Templars.’

‘But,’ Cassandra was thoroughly nonplussed. ‘How was this allowed?’

‘Influence, power, money, dearest Cassandra.’ Leliana laughed. ‘Classic tools of persuasion. Bann Alan and Lady Elowyn between them can count half the noble houses in Ferelden and the Free Marches as family. And the Trevelyans are one of the wealthiest houses in southern Thedas.’

‘Yet they are not the most senior in terms of heirarchy,’ Cassandra wondered.

‘True,’ Leliana agreed, ‘but they are one of the oldest, richest and most respected. Bann Alan has business dealings with all of the senior families and pretty much owns several of them. Teryn Derrick Penhalligon of Ostwick relies heavily on Bann Alan to negotiate complex trading agreements. And also let us not forget too that Ostwick Circle itself was probably among the most relaxed in Thedas. Leaena was able to continue pretty much as she pleased, particularly once Trystan was made Knight-Captain.’

‘That does not sound like a good thing,’ Cassandra said disapprovingly.

‘No no, Cassandra, not like that,’ Leliana disagreed. ‘She has been trained from a young age to be a leader. There was no reason for that not to continue when she reached the Circle, which needs leaders too. Consider – she is one of the youngest senior enchanters across Thedas ever to be appointed!'

'That comes with drive and determination that can only be instilled at a very young age; no amount of daddy’s influence will make you a powerful mage. She has achieved everything she has on her own merit and, far from resenting her background, her peers have endorsed her. We need to harness this for the benefit of the Inquisition, not push her away.’

Cassandra was silent for a moment, considering all that Leliana had divulged and thinking back to their earlier meeting. The mage had, quite rightly, put her in her in her place for her appalling manners and Cassandra had, even in her irritation, noted that Leaena spoke like one used to being obeyed, in command and treated as an equal.

And yet, Cassandra thought with some envy, she flipped from being the cold, authoritative Senior Enchanter to being warm and friendly and able to crack a joke with colleagues, or compassionate depending on what the situation demanded.

She radiated empathy when confronted with the sight of Cullen’s troops, at the verge of dropping, and dipped into her own reserves of power to try and save as many as possible.

She had handled Chancellor Roderick with the contempt he deserved. She positively oozed sensuality; Cassandra hadn’t missed the way men watched her as she moved. And, even though she was well aware of her beauty, she was not at all conceited. Cassandra had to remind herself too that Leaena’s affaires were her own concern; who the Herald chose to sleep with was not her business.

Cassandra had no choice but to acknowledge she had behaved badly from the outset and completely misjudged the woman. An apology would be owed. The Inquisition needed Lady Trevelyan and they were bloody lucky not only in that she had agreed to stay, but to have landed themselves with someone of her calibre.

She looked at Leliana, who had a knowing smile on her lips. ‘How much do the others know of this?’ she asked.

‘I am not sure,’ Leliana replied. ‘I suspect most of it. Cullen counts Trystan and Cadan as friends, Trystan in particular. Josephine has, um, worked with Cadan before.’ She refused to say any more.

A mystery indeed, Cassandra thought with a spark of interest. She would bide her time, but find out what had happened she would.

We will say nothing else on this matter,’ Cassandra grumbled as she moved to leave. ‘I am going to grab something to eat before we meet; can I bring you something?’

‘Just some bread and cheese, Cassandra, thank you,’ Leliana called after her as Cassandra closed the door. She felt a need to be alone just for a few minutes to process their discussion, and all the emotion that went with it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought it might be interesting to elaborate on this part of the story a bit. If you weren't aware before, Trevelyan is about as Cornish a surname as you can get. When I read up on Marcher lore, particularly Ostwick and the characters in the game that hailed from that part of Thedas - DA:O till DA:I - they all had all been given old Cornish names. Jowan, for example is very traditional. 
> 
> Cornwall, as you may also know, has its own language which is still in use, related to Welsh and Gaelic. It also is up there with the Sussex and East Anglian coastline for being the home of smuggling (not to be confused with wrecking, far more sinister) for many hundreds of years; Daphne du Maurier's Jamaica Inn is, of course, on Bodmin Moor. It was often said that sons and even sometimes daughters of noble houses during the Georgian era would run with the local smuggling gangs for a time, forming part of their essential education in how the local area operated. Some gangs were even put to use during the Napoleonic Wars. 
> 
> So I couldn't not put a smuggler into the Trevelyan family :)
> 
> I hail from the region myself so I thought it so cool that they had done this and I was so excited to think of names for them all. A brief translation is below:
> 
> Alan - a Cornish saint  
> Caya - pronounced 'Kaia' - means Daisy  
> Cadan - pronounced with a 'K' sound. Sadly I couldn't find a translation  
> Trystan - the noisy one  
> Elowen - elm
> 
> Our Inquisitor is, of course, different and has a Latin rather than Cornish name. She might even tell you why herself later on :)


	15. A Nightingale pauses

She had around an hour till they all came together for the first time, and Leliana needed to have some space to think.

Lost in memories, Leliana softly moved round the room, running her fingers absentmindedly along the table. A relieved smile played on her lips as she thought of how Cassandra had finally realised what value Leaena Trevelyan could bring to the Inquisition - and to stop being so bloody rude to her.

_That Cassandra is threatened by the mage is apparent._

_She challengees every value Cassandra holds dear, achieving success seemingly effortlessly whilst thoroughly enjoying herself at the same time._

Cassandra was refusing to acknowledge it, but she was jealous.

Leliana shrugged to herself. There was not much she could do except ensure everyone behaved civilly to one another. Cassandra was ridiculously uptight and it would be good for her to learn that life was for living.

_Both she and Cullan are far too caught up in duty and obedience over pleasure and contentment._

_A balance that both Templars and Seekers often struggled to come to terms with._

Leliana herself was no less devout than the other two, but she had at least had the chance to live life outside of the confines of the everyday Chantry rigidity; something Divine Justinia had recognised and appreciated.

Although Cullen did have that wonderful dry Ferelden sense of humour that saved him from being a complete social disaster, Leliana reminded herself with a giggle. She loved them both, but they would each have to find their own way to keep up, and find peace with, the changing world that Lady Trevelyan so perfectly embodied.

Turning her thoughts to the Herald, she gave a quick prayer of thanks. The Maker had been good indeed in sending someone like her to them in their hour of need.

Leaena was more than equal to the task that was unfolding before them, with the power, grace and social status to charm even the most hardened of Orlesian dignitaries. Leliana’s sources also, however, showed a different side to the mage; one who appreciated the efforts even the lowliest scully maid contributed to ensuring the Maker’s work was done.

She was able to engage with people from all walks of life; from aiding elves in Ostwick’s alieange from a plague to negotiating with the Dalish clan leaders in fluent Elven.

She could spend an evening dancing with Prince Sebastien Vael - a childhood friend of the Herald's - but then be on the docks at 5am the next day chatting merrily with the fishermen as she bargained for fresh fish.

Indeed, Senior Enchanter Leaena Trevelyan almost sounded too good to be true. All butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth perfection, a good Chantry-going, Templar-revering, obedient Circle mage. Leliana snorted.

 _That image, of course, is complete bullshit._  

_Leaena works very hard to cultivate it, however. That she maintains it so well is to her credit._

Leliana admired the skilfulness with which she'd played the various factions within her own Circle and beyond, as well admiring the utter ruthlessness she had deployed in her rise to the top. Her nickname Ice Princess stemmed from more than her specialisation or noble background; she was renowned for being aloof to her peers and cold, using her beauty, status and skill as a battlemage as a weapon against those who would use it against her.

_Leaena hsn't gone as far as sleeping with someone to gain her status._

_Unlike many of her colleagues across the Circles._

She hadn’t needed to; her skill, talent and connections were more than enough. But Leaena's reputation for callously fucking someone then dumping them once she achieved her aims hadn’t left her and interestingly, Leliana mused, she hadn’t done anything to change that image.

_It is part of her armour against the world._

_She is a woman who had enemies still even once the Circles fell, trusting very few people outside of her family._

The other thing Leliana had failed to discover was how Leaena felt about the Templar Order and mage rebellion. She had been very closed about her opinions since her Harrowing, correctly falling in line with Ostwick Circle's stance of neutrality.

There was much more going on underneath Leaena’s very cleverly crafted façade, Leliana knew. She would bide her time in finding out. For now, she was just relieved the Herald had agreed to stay with them.

Leliana knew Cadan Trevelyan and Leaena were not identical twins; he favoured his father’s jet-black hair and swarthy complexion whilst she took after her mother’s blonde, fair beauty. Their eyes were identical though; the same blue the colour of a hot summer’s day, and the delicate features on Leaena replicating themselves but in a far more a masculine way onto her brother.

They were both superbly fit; she sparred regularly with Templars and her twin. Cadan preferred his daggers and bow, shunning Trystan's choice of joining the Templars.

_They all look alike, the Trevelyans._

_And they are, quite possibly, one of the most beautiful families in Thedas, making others positively green with jealousy every time they all deigned to attend a ball together._

She’d seen young men and women silently slope off from parties when they were younger. It was pointless being in attendance when all the attention was on the Trevelyan siblings.

There was an audible crack of broken hearts across Ferelden and the Free Marches when Leaena's eldest sister Caya married Ser Iminric Eremon, Bann Alfstanna Eremon’s brother. Ser Iminric was another blonde Ferelden Templar giant built along the same aesthetically pleasing lines as the Commander, who had spent the years after the Blight fending off overenthusiastic young maidens with more hair than sense.

_Dear Iminric and Cullen are both so adorable._

Warriors were not Leliana's type, although she could easily see why those two had more than their fair share of admirers. 

Thinking of what her type was, the quality of her smile changed to positively sultry as she thought about how she had come to know this family so well.

Leliana allowed herself to go back to a time before she became the Divine’s Left Hand, when she traveled Thedas to carry out the darker side of the Chantry’s affairs.

_And if that had meant the opportunity to sleep with a certain rogue presented itself - on a surprisingly regular basis - naturally, in the name of information sharing, then who was I to complain?_

Sighing with pleasure, Leliana remembered Cadan's lean physique, letting her mind drift. There wasn’t an ounce of excess fat; he was all toned and deeply tanned perfection, achieved from months on end out at sea and years of fighting. He was just so perfectly formed.

She used to run her tongue up from his navel to his lips, fingers teasing the line of dark hair that ran down his stomach and then dance them over the hard planes of his muscles, loving watching them contract under her light touch. The smell of him alone used to get her wet, musky with a hint of lemon and so totally intrinsically male.

And oh Maker, the exquisite pleasure of the feel of his length hitting her right to her core whilst she was bent over backwards, him slamming hard into her as he made her scream his name, her hair bunched in his fists, holding her head back as she came apart.

His loss of control as she sucked and ran her tongue down over his deliciously hard cock, tasting herself on him, loving to hear him rasp out her name in mindless ecstasy as he fucked her mouth hard and fast. The taste of him as he came hard in her mouth, and his hard gaze of unbridled lust, just for her, as she looked back up at him, savouring every drop of his juices before slowly swallowing.

Leliana slid her tongue across her lips, luxuriating for just a minute in some of the most precious memories of her life.

They met many years ago, a couple after the end of the Fifth Blight.

_It was a form of love, I suppose._

He was younger than her, in his early twenties. It was never meant to last; they were both still young and had other things they wanted to do. She was wedded to the Chantry, he to the ocean. But they took their pleasure when they could, both mindful of the fragility of life and needing to revel in every moment. They both had other lovers; it wasn’t an exclusive thing.

Leliana sighed. Being with him was one of the best experiences she had ever had. To this day they remained in touch, quite frequently, as his work for Freya and Alistair often bought them in close contact.

Josephine had also had something with him at one point, Leliana remembered, although she didn’t know the exact details. Josie was a friend – she wouldn’t abuse her position and pry and she harboured no jealousy or ill will towards her. A man like Cadan was there to be enjoyed.

But Maker’s Breath, when she realised that it was Cadan’s twin locked up in their dungeon she was momentarily staggered at what a small universe it was they all operated in. The politics of Thedas, particularly in noble ranks, was a very small space. Everyone knew everyone else.

She was unsure how much Leaena knew of their on-off casual relationship; the twins were exceptionally close. But Leliana would mention nothing. It had no impact on their work for the Inquistion.

Regretfully turning her thoughts away from Cadan and returning to her surroundings, she instead thought back to Cassandra and her reaction.

Leliana had known immediately that Leaena Trevelyan hadn’t been responsible for what happened.

_Cassandra was in the grip of revenge and regret and guilt; she had refused to listen._

Cullen had also stood up for the mage and believed in her innocence, not surprising as he knew her family as well.

Leliana suddenly smiled delightedly, recalling when the two of them had first met properly on the battlements. Lesser trained eyes would have missed the wordless exchange that took place between Leaena and Cullen but that was what made Leliana a master of her craft.

_Fresh from the fight, his eyes bright with battle fever, if Cullen had been able to take the Herald and fuck her there and then on the floor he would have._

She couldn’t read Leaena as well – not yet anyway - but that there was no doubt that the mage was attracted to the ex-Templar.

For her, the question wasn’t whether those two would end up in bed, the question was how long they could hold out for. Because they would resist for as long as possible.

Not only would it be entertaining to watch them dance around each other, but it would be hugely gratifying when they did eventually realise they were perfectly matched. She wouldn’t interfere, but would instead let matters run their course.

Cullen hadn’t seen Leaena since she had woken up, now out of armour and in that borrowed pantsuit that showed off every inch of her body, refreshed and perfectly made up, gloriously long white-blonde hair flowing down her back.

_I am a bit envious of the Herald's hair. I wonder if she'd prefer different shoes - the ones I found for her had been hastily sourced and didn't seem right._

Still, even with imperfect footware, the bruised and stumbling woman on the battlements above the Breach was gone. Leliana couldn’t wait to watch Cullen's reaction to Lady Trevelyan now.

_Holy Andraste, I adore a good love story._

And one was about to play out right before her eyes. Things were not looking nearly as bleak as they had been at the start of the day.

Hearing the others returning for their afternoon meeting, Leliana breathed contentedly, put her memories safely away in her happy place and prepared for the rest of the day.

The Maker had a plan and she was finally beginning to get excited about her part in it.


	16. Reconnecting

Lea was exhausted, still trying to get used to the foreign magic she now carried with her. She had planned to do as Leliana suggested and eat in the tavern at lunch and dinner but she just wanted some respite from the frantic pace since the Conclave was destroyed.

She’d begged a guard to send some food to her little lodge – she presumed those were her quarters as no one else had suggested otherwise – and retreated.

_People are still staring at me like I have spouted two heads._

_A visit to the tavern might backfire on me rather than help._

She was fed up of talking, fed up of not knowing how her family fared.

She had managed to grab Josephine at the end of the day and ask if she could arrange for two letters to be sent. The Ambassador was utterly charming and completely devious. It was fun to have someone like her on the Inquisition.

She and Leliana had been the ones to kindly provide her with the essentials she needed, and Josephine had been most sympathetic when Lea explained about her wardrobe.

Although the blacksmith had kindly supplied her with spare armour and staff, she missed her own specially made gear, both for training and while she was out in the field. Not to mention clothes to just relax in and, Maker save her for being so frivolous, she wanted her Orlesian lingerie back.

_I just want to feel like myself again before I get sucked up by Herald, Inquisition, Breach. It is relentless._

She’d hastily penned two letters, one to Caya who would understand everything and arrange it all, and one to Cadan begging him to come as fast as he could. Lea chuckled slightly at the memory. Ever the professionals, neither of them had even so much as blinked when Lea had said she’d asked Cadan to join them for assistance in finding her brother.

_Andraste save me, I am tired._

Both meetings today had been long and painful in different ways. Chancellor Roderick was a shit-stirring swine with a rod up his own backside. To listen to his drivel had been almost as much as she could take in her current mood.

Then Cassandra taking out her own inadequacies on her nearly made Lea lose her temper completely. She failed to see how the Seeker’s issues were her problem but she had an inkling of what the root cause was, and would have no hesitation pointing it out to her if she continued.

 _There was one bright spot_ , that little voice whispered to her that she was too tired to suppress.

 _Fuck it,_ Lea thought as she sat and gazed at the fire.

 _I am allowed to take some enjoyment out of an otherwise shit day_.

Because she had finally had a chance to speak with the Commander. To see him. Properly this time, without demons and rifts and end of the world doom scenarios rolling through her head.

Lea almost blushed when Cullen’s eyes widened in surprise for a split second upon first seeing her.

_Of course, last time I was covered in the chaos of battle and glowing green._

_So anything was an improvement on that._

He’d commented blandly that he was pleased she survived or something like that before asking something about her being Herald.

Bland was the last word Lea would apply to Cullen. His eyes betrayed the lie to his indifferent conversation with her. Holy Andraste, they were even better than she remembered, the golden fire within burning even brighter as he kept looking at her.

_Not only does he want me, he’s been thinking about how he’d have me._

She had to fight to control a sudden wave of desire coursing through her as she wondered exactly what the Commander had been doing whilst he was fantasising about fucking her mouth.

She knew that was what he was thinking at that precise moment, watching his eyes as he looked at her lips, her tongue involuntarily darting out to lick them wet.

_I was no better._

Her head had suddenly filled with the image of him taking his cock in his hand, slowly stroking himself then going faster till he shot his load hard into his hand, groaning her name.

Lea had found it difficult to concentrate on anyone, or anything else in the room once her mind had started to go down that particular train of thought.

It was only by catching Leliana’s knowing smile as she observed the pair of them in those few seconds that she wrenched her mind back to the present.

Sure, they’d made progress. They agreed to call her Lea and she should use their first names too. They debated strategy, agreed a way forward for now and arranged some diplomatic missions in Ferelden. She would travel with the others to the Hinterlands in two days to open negotiations with the Chantry and bring order to the area.

_The usual mage versus Templar bollocks came up again and remained unresolved._

Lea agreed with Josephine; it was still too early for them to make a decision and to approach either group. It was all quite mundane discussion that she could deal with in her sleep, and it enabled her to have an uninterrupted view of the Commander for the next two hours and study him further.

_Maker forgive me for being so fixated on a man at a time like this._

_I felt such a thrill upon seeing him again as I walked into the room._

He looked just as good as he had on the battlements three days ago, but this time wearing simpler leather armour more suited to a training ground.

Lea decided immediately that she approved of that armour for him. She was able to see so much better his tapered hips, strong muscular legs, flat stomach and broad, powerful shoulders.

He had the best ass she’d seen in some time too with those leathers leaving little to the imagination. Lea then proceeded to unashamedly observe his rear out as he walked, or rather prowled, in front of her out of the Chantry. She had almost pouted when he threw his cloak back on, ruining her view.

The Templar abilities within his body felt altered somehow, but still pulled her to him in a way Lea had never experienced with a Templar before.

_Not even with Trystan do I feel this…well, close._

It was the most intimate experience she could share with someone, combining her magic and a Templar’s power until they were synchronised in perfect harmony. It very rarely happened, and never with this much ease.

_It was instantaneous with Cullen._

Pushing her hair back from her eyes, she decided to go for a walk around the village. It was dusk and most people had by now retreated to the tavern or to bed.

She felt better after eating.

_Some fresh air will help me clear my worries away._

_Help stop my ridiculous fixation with the Commander._

_Maker, I need a good night’s sleep._

Lea grimaced at her reflection. She was acting like a Chantry schoolgirl and it had to stop. She needed to ask Cullen about Trystan and about training.

_All cool, calm and professional. Right._

_I can do this._

Tomorrow though. She was too fragile today and Lea absolutely did not want anyone to see her this vulnerable. Especially not all-too-observant Templars which was what they were trained for.

_And, for all his talk of leaving the Order, Cullen is still very firmly a Templar to the tip of his yummy blonde curls._

Grabbing a black cloak off the door and wrapping it loosely round her shoulders with the hood up, she stepped outside into the frosty early evening air, flinching slightly at the eerie green light cast by the Breach.

She had studiously ignored it all day, given that the new magic in her only seemed to react when she looked at it.

This was all so unreal! she thought frantically, control slipping; she was here with the bosom bow of the Champion of Kirkwall, the Divine’s Right Hand and a legendary Seeker and one of the most powerful mages she had ever met.

She’d been questioned extensively by the Divine’s Left Hand, who also just so happened to have helped the Hero of Ferelden end the Fifth Blight and counted the Hero and King Alistair as close personal friends.

Not to mention the fact that she was having a serious infatuation over one of the most famous and respected Templars the Order had ever produced.

_This kind of shit just doesn’t happen!_

_How did this group of people come together right now?_

Lea felt the fire in her hand spark as she examined the Breach, trying to bring her panic under control. She really needed to spend some time with Solas tomorrow to go through it all and try to make sense of the conflicting magics in her body.

She was just exhausted and needed to think. Head down, mind rambling, she walked down the village towards the lake, intending to sit on the edge of a jetty she’d spied earlier to escape just for a little bit.

_No wonder Andraste chose this spot for her sacred Temple._

She was content to sit and absorb the peaceful surroundings. Even the Breach in its all its alien form added something to the overall beauty in the mountains and sky.

It felt good to be away from people for a bit, this being the first time she’d had a chance to be properly on her own.

Gradually, she started to relax, her mind clearing as she focused on her breathing and let the still and quiet calm her.

She felt her senses gradually warm, and realised that the one person she really wanted to see all along had actually found her and waited quietly a few feet away.

Lea felt his protective presence wrap gently around her magic just as her magic reached out yearningly to his unique abilities of its own accord.

Cullen didn’t need to ask her if she was upset – Lea knew he could sense it, the way her magic had metaphorically curled up on him – _needing to be on him, really_?! she chided it severely.

She could have cried at how sensitive he was being towards her; not crowding her, not rushing her. Just waiting to see if she was ready for some company or not.

She felt a driving compulsion to spend as much time as was humanly possible with this gorgeous man.

Not just in his bed, but just to be with him, enjoy his humour, debate their differences, share their stories. Know each other inside out. Laugh. Why would she deny herself such a simple pleasure as simply talking to him?

She felt a huge weight lift off her shoulders as she turned to Cullen, smiling, asking him to join her.

\------

‘Commander!’ a guard called from outside his tent. Cullen had just dismissed his captains for the evening, smiling to himself as they beat a speedy exit straight to the tavern. They deserved the break after the horrors of the Temple of Ashes and Cullen wanted to let them relax now before things got too busy.

They were accepting refugees and recruits every day who all needed training, equipment, somewhere to stay….the list went on. Master Dennet was proving to be remarkably obtuse so Josephine and he were trying to negotiate mounts for his troops from elsewhere.

He was therefore surprised to be summoned when everyone should be having some much needed downtime.

‘Come,’ he replied.

‘You asked to be informed if the Herald made a move to leave the village, Commander,’ one of his sergeants reported. ‘She is walking through the village, and is headed out to the lake. We are not sure where but we can tail her if you wish.’

For her own safety, they’d agreed to place a watch on the Herald’s movements. Leliana had received some forward intelligence of assassination plots coming out of Antiva and they couldn’t take any chances with Leaena's wellbeing.

Cullen had been meaning to mention it to her but had been too distracted for the whole two hours they were stuck in that unbearably warm room. And he was fairly sure Leliana had been laughing at him the whole time.

_Gazing at her perfect tits and tight ass like you've never seen a woman’s figure before. Good work, Cullen._

Cullen had planned on drowning himself in work to focus on anyone but the Herald. It seemed the Maker had other plans for him tonight, however. 

He was fairly sure he knew why she was out now when she’d been ordered to get more rest by Solas. He could easily send someone else to follow her, but the compulsion to make sure himself that she was ok, see if she needed just to talk after everything that had happened, was overwhelming.

_I haven't been dreaming of her._

The sardonic voice just laughed loudly at him.

‘It’s alright,’ he replied to the Sergeant. ‘I will go myself. You and your men may take the evening off.’ The man saluted him with a slight smile and practically ran out of the tent.

Cullen grinned, reaching up to fasten his coat around him, feeling the stirring of anticipation at seeing her again.

He refused to focus on his absurdly over the top reaction to this woman. He exited the tent, boots crunching in the fresh snow as he headed to the lake, following Leaena’s footsteps.

Cullen had earlier wandered around with a heightened sense of excitement at the thought of seeing her again, this time without the matter of a rift to close getting in the way of their introductions.

When Cassandra ran into him at the tavern as they both got lunch, he nearly sagged with relief at the knowledge Leaena had agreed to stay.

He nearly laughed out loud at how put out the Seeker was as she described how the Herald and Leliana had effectively told her to shut up and put up, and was full of admiration that Leaena had taken measure, and control of, the situation that quickly.

Cassandra had some humble pie to eat, he guessed correctly.

And when Leaena had walked into the room after lunch, it was all he could do to not openly gape at her as she moved to stand directly opposite him.

_She is simply stunning._

The hair he’d fantasised about touching, running through his fingers was loose, falling in thick waves down her back. Whatever she’d fastened it with to hold if off her face, well, he was forever grateful as he had the perfect view of those eyes.

She wasn’t holding her magic around her this time so they were instead their natural colour, a sparkling deep blue.

Her cheeks were slightly flushed as she looked at him – did he imagine it or did she deliberately seek him out first? – and her creamy skin, paler from not being in the warmth of the Free Marches, was just begging to be touched, it was so soft.

_Leaena doesn't need any make up, but she obviously liked using it._

_She still looked phenomenal._

And, whatever that suit was that she had on, it did nothing to disguise her figure. Instead it had him imagining the weight of those soft, full tits in his hands, the feel of her ass as he cupped her cheeks whilst pulling her towards him.

And Maker help him, his eyes fell down to her mouth and those pink lips that had haunted his dreams and waking thoughts were just as sensuous as he remembered.

He could almost feel how good they would be, sucking his cock slowly, then faster, as he pumped in and out of her mouth. Some of his recurring fantasy must have shown in his eyes as he watched her eyes darken, holding his, her tongue darting out to lick those perfect full lips of hers.

Cullen had to really fight off an erection then, in a room full of people, suddenly looking away from her and coming out with some banal nonsense about it being good that she was alive and how did she feel about being the Herald. He couldn’t even remember now what her reply was, he was too busy enjoying listening to how damned sensual she sounded.

Given his discomfort he was surprised that two hours had gone so quickly. Most of the discussion had gone over his head, aside from trying to explain why the Templars would be a better bet. And requesting that when Leaena visited the Hinterlands could she see if her title of Herald held any weight with Master Dennet in persuading him to help them out. She agreed with him readily that they send an honour guard to the Couslands for their memorial.

Aside from that he just was content to watch her.

She had asked that they call her Lea and Cullen would respect her wishes, but in his mind he would always use her full name. Leaena. It reflected who she was, challenging, bold, courageous.

_And beautiful._

Leaena was, quite possibly, the most talented and astute mage he had ever met. She was a natural leader as were all the Trevelyans, and he could see the Inquisition being a good thing for her, taking her on a path she had been born to travel but without the restrictions of the Circle to constrain her.

She handled Cassandra’s ill-concealed hostility superbly, whilst deflecting any enquiries about her or her family and skilfully moving the conversation onto something else.

She refused point blank to be drawn in on a debate as to whether the Templars or mages should be approached at this stage. She made decisive and thoughtful decisions with the information to hand and was, to his relief, an expert at keeping meetings on time and on track. She had no patience for pointless debates.

Whether Leaena believed it or not, she was Maker-sent. She was perfect for the Inquisition.

 _Perfect for you, Cullen_ , the sardonic voice piped up in his head.

_Now is not the time to go there._

For there Leaena was, wrapped up and sat on the edge of the jetty, feet dangling and looking out across the ice and over to the village.

Cullen sensed her magic reach for his Templar abilities. It felt as good as it did before, to have the very essence of her entwined with his, but he could tell she was tired, apprehensive and frightened. And perhaps did not want to be found this way.

She knew he was there; he didn’t need to announce himself. He stood and waited, not wishing to intrude on the personal time she’d craved.

After a long pause his patience was rewarded. ‘Cullen,’ she turned to him with a warm smile. Her skin was glowing in the moonlight as she pushed her hood down, revealing the hair and eyes and face that had haunted his dreams.

 _I will be fascinated with the sight of her until the day I die_.

She gestured to the spot next to her. ‘Come join me.’

He needed no further encouragement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having a dreadful time with editing at the moment so do forgive me if some stuff is completely out of whack or there are tediously dumb errors. It is taking several read-throughs after a day or so break for me to spot them. Word also did some strange stuff to some different versions. And my baby likes to play bashy bashy with my keyboard and I don't realise at the time that there can be clumps of random text!


	17. Rebellion

They both sat in comfortable silence for a few moments, watching the light from the Breech flicker across the heavens and reflect off the lake.

‘Thank you for joining me.' The musical voice that he seemed to automatically tune into had a hidden tremor within as Leaena gazed out across the lake. ‘I wasn’t sure I would be much company this evening but I am glad you found me.’

‘You are welcome,’ Cullen replied quietly, silently appreciative of the chance to just spend some time with her.

‘We have a moment to actually talk properly for the first time. If you want to, of course,’ he added hastily, not wanting to push her when she was feeling this low.

‘I can’t put off the conversation any further just because I want - Trystan spoke of you often -’. Leaena tailed off, her eyes filled with shadows as she raised them to his. ‘He’s missing, Cullen!' 

That was not news he'd been expecting to hear.

‘Missing? He came here with you? I didn’t see his name on the lists,’ He was appalled and stunned, his brain frantically trying to understand how someone so senior could have escaped their notice.

_How did I not know! He is my friend!_

‘It was a last-minute addition to our party for the whole Circle. Because the Knight-Commander was going to be at the Conclave, originally Trystan planned to stay behind. But we heard that many other Knight-Captains were also going to be in attendance so it made sense that he came to lend his voice to the negotiations.’

For some unfathomable reason, she sounded apologetic that he'd not been informed. ‘The day of the explosion, he decided to skip the discussions. I think he wanted to seek you out as well as find some other Ferelden Templars known for their more, well, collaborative approach to the Circles. He was worried at the way the negotiations were being derailed by some very hard-line Templars.'

'But anyway,’ she finished urgently, ‘I am not sure what has happened to him as he wasn’t at the Temple, not in the village, whether he went to try and help with the fighting and got killed, whether he has been taken off somewhere.’

Leaena stopped talking, Cullen dismayed to see silent tears rolling down her face. She was caught up in her anxieties and fear, the events of recent weeks beginning to take their toll. 

Never in a million years would he have thought a mage such as she would reveal such weakness to a Templar such as he. Nor that he'd be siting here, desperate to take her in his arms and kiss her fears away. But it seemed like the most natural reaction in the world. It was only through a monumental effort that he left her sitting right where she was. 

‘I’m not connected to him the same way I am with Cadan but I would know if he were dead. He isn’t, I can feel it, but I also don’t know anything else. No idea where to even begin searching, no idea who to ask. Josephine has promised to send my letters to Caya and Cadan by a fast courier and using crows but that could take weeks.’ Leaena ploughed on, blurting out all her concerns in one fell swoop, hoping he wouldn't mind. ‘I have been working up the courage all day to come and ask you if there is anything we can do to help. Maker only knows that our resources are stretched – I got a good indication of that today – but, Cullen….he’s my brother,’ she broke off desperately, unable to continue, her eyes deep swirling pools of pain as she struggled to meet his gaze.

Cullen was mentally kicking himself for not checking in with her sooner. He was furious with himself, Cassandra and Leliana for not considering what Leaena’s needs or feelings might be. They were all treating her as an object that they could use and exploit, willfully ignoring the person underneath. She had expertly disguised just how much she had been hurting inside, an act he suspected she had perfected over the years. Knowing what he did about certain nobles within the Cirlces, it was not at all surprising - and he should have done something about it. 

And he was the worst one of all, seeing nothing but how physically attracted to her he was, and at no point stopping to consider anything beyond his own basic instincts. There was so much to her than the raw sexual appeal he couldn't seem to stay away from, feeling doubly ashamed of himself as he saw her hands tremble in her distress. 

_What a selfish bastard I am._

Before he could stop himself Cullen instinctively lifted her chin with his fingers, softly smoothing away a stray tear with one thumb. Awareness flared in her eyes, leaving him momentarily stunned by the force of energy that shot through him as he drank in the sight of her. She was exquisite, with a will of iron and a soul of passion- a beguiling combination he found himself unable to resist.

She watched him, her eyes widening and her deliciously inviting dusky pink lips opening slightly. She said nothing, not needing to even as her magic wound its even closer round his senses. It was just the two of them alone in the universe, shaken by the unexpected power from a single touch - the darkness of the night enveloping them both in its intimate embrace. 

‘Leaena.' His voice was gentle, completely forgetting to use the name she seemed to prefer. ‘I am so sorry. For everything.'

’Firstly, please let me assist you with finding Trystan. It is an unforgivable oversight on the part of the Inquisition to have not attended to the search of such a senior Templar before now. You have my word that we will do our utmost to find him.’ She nodded, the slightest of tension being released in her magic.

‘I must also beg your pardon for the way you have been treated by the Inquisition. We have given you no respite and taken no time to actually identify what your needs are beyond making sure you survive. Even then, we have pushed you to the very limit of your endurance - not an insignificant thing given the strength of your power.’

With effort, he let his hand fall from her face as he looked up to the Breach, fighting to hold himself back in a futile attempt to disguise the strength of his feelings towards a woman he barely knew. 

‘You could argue that we have all been put into a position where we make impossible requests of ourselves every day.' Absently, he stared at the swirling green hole in the sky - the reason both their lives had changed beyond recognition.

‘But you did not choose this. Regardless of whether you believe you were Maker-sent or not, I can’t imagine how it must have felt to wake up with strange magic in your body, in a dungeon, thrust straight into a fight that could have killed you. Then you were stuck with a title you neither asked for nor, I suspect, want - not to mention your Circle destroyed and your brother gone. Your life will never be the same again. Far from supporting you, we have simply taken you for granted. For that I apologise.’

At his clumsy words, Cullen felt Leaena’s magic relax completely for the first time in his presence. He hadn’t realised how closely the lyrium within him could combine with a mage before, making this a wholly new experience for him. For any mage to let their guard down with a Templar took a significant amount of mutual respect, built up over a period of years. She'd reached that point with him in a matter of weeks, leaving him in awe, convinced he was unworthy of such trust. 

He felt a light touch on his arm and looked back at her, hoping she would understand. And forgive. 

The brilliant smile that followed left him feeling dazed as he smiled back at her like an idiot, dumbstruck by the ethereal beauty before him radiating gratitude and appreciation.

‘Thank you, Cullen. You don’t know how much it means to hear you say that.'

'I came out here tonight, to think, try to bring some order to my thoughts,’ she continued haltingly. ‘So much has happened in such a short space of time that I found it overwhelming. This mark, the Conclave, the establishment of the Inquisition, not being able to do a damned thing to help my brother…’  

'On the one hand, I am excited to be a part of it. This is a new world we are forging and I will have the chance to help shape it. I do this because I must; for my family - friends, the future. And because it is the right thing to do.'

'And on the flip side?' A cynical expression replaced her smile, making Cullen feel unreasonably bereft by its absence. 'I am just so fucking tired. Tired of having my life planned out for me, tired of not having a say and duty always coming first. I would like, just for once, to do something completely frivolous and not with an ulterior motive.'

She fell quiet for a moment, trying to compose herself. Cullen couldn't find a counterargument to persuade her otherwise.

_I feel exactly the same way. But I have no idea what the solution is._

‘I feel better though, knowing that I’ll have your help to find Trystan.' She sounded as if she was trying to convince herself, a hint of desperation underlying her words still. ‘As for the Inquisition….I have no idea what my place is in this new organisation, what use I’ll be aside from shutting down rifts. It will take time for me to find my feet.'

He thought of all the challenges the Inquisition's leadership team faced on a daily basis, wondering how best to reassure her that she was certainly not alone.

We are still finding our way as a team,’ he started slowly. ‘There is so much we don’t know. We’re just muddling along blindly at the moment. But we all need to be there for one another, support each other, or we will lose this battle.’

‘I promise you that we will look out for you and you won’t be left to figure this out on your own. If you need anything from me, no matter how small you think it is, you just have to ask.’ For some absurd reason, Cullen felt an overwhelming urge to convince her that she'd never have anything to fear from him - even in spite of what he represented.

In response, Leaena gave him another smile that would have sent him to his knees if he'd been standing. She looked radiant and breathakingly beautiful, leaving him feeling somewhat bemused as to why she would waste her time with an ex-Templar who'd yet to figure out a way through the chaos in his head. 

‘I seem to be thanking you a lot this evening, Commander,’ she said quietly, a slight tremble in her voice. ‘But again, I appreciate it. More than you will ever know.’

_You are welcome, my lady Herald. For that smile alone I would slay all your demons for you._

They both lapsed into silence once more, Cullen praying he hadn't just said that out loud. He didn't think he had but he done so many things out of character since Leaena had entered his life he simply couldn't tell any more.

The moon had come out fully now, and the stars were bright in the sky, almost in defiance of the green energies periodically shooting across the heavens. Her hand sparked through the wool of her gloves every time there was a particularly large bolt of green light.

‘Does it hurt?’ he asked impulsively, before wincing at his lack of tact.

‘The mark? Not in my hand any more, no;' She didn't seem phased by the question, instead pleased by his interest. ‘What is difficult is the conflicting magic – every time I look at the Breach I feel ill. Solas and I are having a session tomorrow to swap notes and hopefully find a way to control it better.’

‘I hope you find a solution. I can sense the discord in you…’ he tailed off, not having meant to sound like he was invading her space.

Leaena's next words surprised him even more. ‘I thought you could. We may come to ask you what your interpretation is. It would be useful to have the opinion of a Tempar with your experience.’

_A mage? Coming to a Templar voluntarily?_

_And a Templar like me?_

He was speechless, only able to nod his agreement as she turned her face up to the heavens. 

‘Cadan taught me all about the stars and how he used them to navigate,’ she said in a pensive tone, recognising he was struggling with an internal conflict that had been with him for all too many years.

‘How is he?’ Cullen asked, trying his best to hold a normal conversation. ‘I wrote to him to tell him I was leaving Kirkwall but assumed he was at sea again.’

Leaena grinned then, looking happier and carefree just like the young woman she was meant to be. ‘You know Cadan. Fingers in every pie, a woman in every port.'

'That reminds me.' There was mirth dancing in her eyes as she looked across at him. ‘How much do you know of his, erm, relationships?’

He knew where this was going and gave a shout of laughter. ‘I bet Leliana and Josephine were not expecting Cadan's twin sister to walk out of the rift.’

‘I know. It's too funny!’ It was the first time he'd heard her sound so lightearted. a sound that sent sparks of energy across his abdomen. 'My twin has been busy. I can’t wait to see how he carries off that particular greeting when he sees them both here. Isn’t it strange though, how interconnected everything is? It’s a small world. Cadan, Trystan, women on the advisory team.’

‘Not all at once I do hope,’ Cullen said without thinking, trying not to stare in fascination at the blush that stained her cheeks and neck.

‘Maker forbid!’ Leanea giggled looking horrified at the same time. ‘I have no desire to think of my brothers in that way, ever ever!’

'I didn't mean - I - Andraste preserve me!' It was his turn to wish the ground to swallow him up whole, what he'd implied by his clumsy words glaringly apparent. 'That wasn't' -'.

'Cullen, it's a joke,' she shot him an impish look that wiped out the awkwardness he'd felt a moment before. 'I know what you meant. Besides, what everyone gets up to in their spare time is nothing to do with me.'

‘I couldn’t agree more,’ Cullen laughed, feeling more relaxed with her by the minute. ‘It’s a bit like being in a Circle here though, everyone knows everyone else’s business. The gossiping about one's private life gets a bit tedious sometimes.’

‘Why Commander,’ Leanea opened her eyes wide at him in mock surprise. ‘Am I to understand that camp gossip will confirm you are one of those Templars who didn’t take an oath of chastity?’

Even though he knew she'd made the comment in jest he was floored by the question, rubbing the back of his neck as he looked anywhere else but her. He wasn't fooled by the look of innocence on her face for one moment, her lips twitching as she waited with amusement for his response.

 ‘I....er...I...have never taken such an oath....’ he said quickly as he ran a hand through his hair. ‘It’s just…Maker’s Breath! Could we talk about something else?’

A laugh escaped Leaena, the first proper one he had heard. It was a bewitching sound of happiness and joy that rippled through his muscles all the way down to his toes. Cullen hated to admit how ridiculously pleased he was to have been the one to coax such a rare sound from her. Even if it did mean he'd opened up a subject he'd rather have avoided. 

‘You are still very much a Templar you know, even though you've left the Order,' she mused, her shrewd assessment of him too close to the mark for comfort. 

He wanted her to see something else. To see him. But he had no idea how to do so. 

‘I left home to join when I was thirteen.' Perhaps being more open would help. ‘And even then, I had spent years before pestering our local Templars to teach me. I really don’t know anything else. This new life outside of the Templars and the Circles is something I’m still trying to find my way with.’

_I haven't admitted that to anyone else before._

‘I know what you mean,' she agreed with consternation. ‘Ostwick was one of the last Circles to fall. We all fought so hard…’ 

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ It was perhaps hypocrytical of him to make such an unusual offer - but one she might need. 

‘I’ve never really discussed what happened with anyone,’ she said vaguely. biting her lip.

When Leaena was working through a problem, one or two perfect white teeth would appear to nibble on her bottom lip. Cullen had picked up on it earlier in the meeting room, unable to stop staring at her. He’d thought it super erotic then, but now he was properly talking to her he thought it the most adorable thing he'd ever seen.

He was about to interrupt and tell her she didn’t have to share if she didn’t want to when she began speaking. Immediately, he knew he wouldn't like what he was going to hear, her voice filled with darkness and residual fear as she recounted the last days of Ostwick's Circle. 

‘Irminric and Trystan were there, as was Knight-Commander Mellyn Dowell – you know Irminric and the Knight-Commander don’t you? Irminric transferred from Denerim when he married Caya,’ Cullen nodded as she carried on, still staring sightlessly forward into the 

‘I can’t believe the First Enchanter and Knight-Commander misread the situation so badly.’ Her voice shook, and Cullen felt her magic flare in response to her anger - strangely enough evoking no reaction from him whatsoever. ‘We were not prepared, although Trystan had done his best to train both mages and Templars, and my father and the Teryn had been trying to make them both see reason for months.’

‘We had….blood mages,’ she continued, her rage now apparent. ‘I thought some were my friends. I even had one as a lover at one point, although it was over by the time they rebelled. He tracked me to my quarters and transformed into a demon in front of me. He was laughing, saying how it would give him the greatest pleasure to use his blood magic to fuck me again. Force me, rape me and take pleasure from it. Over and over again. He didn’t intend for me to die.’

Leaena had kept this bottled inside her for months, lacking someone to share just how horrific the whole experience had been. There were few people who would have been able to understand, aside from him. Cullen recognised the need inside her to purge the memories, remaining silent as she struggled to find words to convey the nightmare of her escape.

‘I was fighting for my life against a desire demon that had perverted him beyond all reason. I know what I'm capable of, and I know I am a powerful Winter mage, but I was losing.’ She paused and breathed deeply before continuing.

‘Suddenly, Trystan and Cadan burst into the room, evening up the fight considerably. We managed to slay the demon and I remember taking the greatest pleasure in freezing the wanker’s body and watching his head explode.' Her her fury and fear were making her voice rise, her fists clenching in her cloak as she tried to manage her emotions. ‘We had to run – there were reports of rogue Templars determined on slaying every mage in sight having heard of the abominations at our Tower. Luckily for us, Ostwick has a rabbit warren of smugglers tunnels underneath every major building so Cadan managed to get us out.

'We saved the First Enchanter, Knight-Commander and a few other mages and Templars Irminric had found who stayed loyal, and made it to my father’s estate. He had his own troops ready and the Teryn had readied the city’s forces against any attacks from the rebellion. So we were finally safe.’

This time, there was no disguising the shaking of her hands, Cullen wishing he could just reach over and hold her tight and soothe her tremors away. ‘The Chantry, Templar Order and the Circles are absolutely not fit for purpose, but Holy Andraste there is a better way to change things than abusing our Maker-given gift! They made life a fucking nightmare, with the rest of us mages left to clear up the unholy mess they've created!’

Leaena looked back at Cullen then, her eyes having changed colour to an icy blue as she gathered her magic to her in her anger, shame and regret. He was still taken aback to realise how unthreatend he felt, instead recognising her instinctive reaction to a situation that had cut her deeply.

She immediately felt him reciprocate her sentiments, summing it all up with one word. ‘Kirkwall?’

He nodded grimly. ‘What you just described is pretty much what we had there too. Except for the crazy Knight-Commander obsessed by red lyrium who we had to kill as soon as we managed to bring down First Enchanter Orsino. It was madness.’

‘And it still gives you nightmares.' Leaena's voice was filled with compassion - something he wasn't sure he deserved. ‘I am sorry to have reminded you of such an awful time.’

Since his superhuman effort in removing his hand from her face earlier, he had to work incredibly hard to not touch her at all. All of his good intentions disappeared in the face of her putting his wellbeing above her own, concerned far more for his suffering than her own. His palm was cupping her jaw and his fingers were caressing a spot on her cheekbone, convinced that if he just touched her he could somehow make it all better.

‘Never, never apologise for what happened. Not ever. None of it was your fault,’ he insisted vehemently, applying a light hint of pressure to prevent her from shaking her head in denial.

All her anger, pain and humiliation was spilling over, the intensity of her agony as strong as his own. Years of wasted hate and rage had left him broken, yet just then he recognised a spirit who could see into him, who could understand.

‘No, don’t play the blame game with yourself. I’ve been there. I know, oh Maker do I know what it is like! You. Are. Not. To. Blame. Nothing you could have done would have stopped your Circle falling. Just so you know, if that mage you fought was still alive then I can assure you he wouldn’t be for much longer.’ Cullen wiped her tears away again as they fell slowly, seeing the ghost of a smile appear at his last words.

‘And remember what I said earlier.' He was pleased he'd been able to help her somehow, feeling her magic slowly releasing again. ‘I will always be here for you. And that includes talking. About anything. What you’ve been through…..it helps to share things to someone who understands.’

Cullen waited for her to absorb his message, for her to respond. He understood the the conflict within her, justification warring with failure. A minute passed, the only thing on his mind the burning need to take her in his arms and offer some basic comfort to this unique, special woman who'd literally fallen into his life. But he was conscious of just how exposed she was feeling at that moment, unwilling to push her too far. He instead contented himself with tracing a pattern with his fingers along her jaw and pushing back strands of flyaway hair as she unconsciously leaned into the strength of his his hand.

That small gesture alone made his whole being soar with hope. 

Leaena eventually shifted her gaze from his out to the frozen ice, but made no move to change position, much to his pleasure.

‘It does help to talk.' She gave a rueful sigh, the deep blue eyes warm as they looked back at his once more. ‘And really, I do feel better already. That was bottled up for far too long and discussing my ex lover was not a conversation I wanted to have with my brothers.’ 

Her last comment had her shifting uncomfortably, her long lashes visible as she glanced down. Cullen wished she would, just so he could show her he didn't care about her past. For his part, there had been a reason he'd not taken the vow she'd mentioned earlier - but he decided to opt for the side of caution. That was a conversation for another time.

He took his hand away with even more difficulty than before, realising then just how exhausted she was. ‘You are tired, my lady. Solas will put some sort of evil hex on me if I don’t get you to rest.’

‘I am tired. But look around us, Cullen. The Maker made all this beauty just for us. It helps heal my soul, to absorb it all for a bit after everything we do. And with such good company as well,’ she added with another endearing blush.

‘Very good company,’ he agreed, getting up and holding out a hand to help her up.

Leaena accepted, flowing gracefully to her feet. Her palm fit perfectly into his, so close to him now the delicate scent of her drifted tantalisingly over his senses. Together they stood for a moment, all his defences down as he stared at her with his heart thundering in his chest. The moonlight had caught in her white-blonde hair, her skin pale and glowing against the stark black of her cloak. She looked like an ice goddess from an ancient time, ethereally beautiful yet haunted by the ghosts of her past. Her glorious eyes, just for one moment, reflected back the vulnerable and shy, yet warm and loving woman she truly was - a person she hid so expertly from the world.

_I feel humbled, my lady, that you trust me so already._

‘You know, it’s funny.' Her fingers had linked with his so naturally, he wondered what had taken him so long to hold her hand in the first place. ‘I feel like I know you….I can share with you things that I wouldn’t discuss with anyone else…but I hardly know you and… does any of that make sense?’

‘It does.' Her hand was right where it was meant to be, to the point where he couldn't imagine letting it go again. ‘I have heard so much about you from Trystan, Cadan, even Irminric on the odd occasion when we managed to catch up. But the real Leaena is far better than anything I had imagined. You don’t feel like a stranger at all.’

‘No,’ she whispered, a hint of wonder in her voice as the blue flames from her magic warmed his soul. ‘Neither do you.’ 

He had no idea how long they stood, completely absorbed in the silent communication that was flowing between the two of them. It was beyond anything he'd ever experienced, unique to them both and a treasure beyond price.

The jangling of armour from a nearby patrol snapped them back to the reality surrounding them as Cullen slowly let her hand drop. 

‘Right,’ she said, wistfully looking back at the view. ‘I guess we should head back?’

'After you.' He gestured for her to walk next to him as they made their way back to the path.

Something had happened to Cullen in the last hour that had changed his outlook profoundly. He had no idea what, but he knew he didn't want the precious moments he'd spent with her to end.

They chatted lightly on the way back, discussing mutual acquaintances and swapping news. Cullen mentioned to her that they’d assigned her some sort of bodyguard which she saw the need for, and that Leliana would brief her fully on the threat.

‘Oh, Cullen? I do have a favour to ask.’ She was running an assessing gaze over the currently deserted practice ground, an idea forming in her head which she was hesitant to broach. 

‘Certainly. What is it?'

The sound of Leaena saying his name never failed to thoroughly distract him. Everything about this woman intrigued him, a situation that would probably continue for the rest of his life.

‘I used to spar and train every day with Trystan or another Templar. I’m not quite up to the level I was at the moment, but I wondered….would you mind helping me practice? I….it needs to be with a Templar I trust.' Her words fell out of her in an embarrassed rush.

‘Of - of course.' He wasn't used to mages coming to him for help - it made a refreshing change. ‘Shall we arrange something once you return from your meeting with Mother Giselle?’

‘That would be perfect!' Leaena's eyes were sparkling with infectious excitement. ‘I am worried about turning into a slug – it’s been so long since I trained properly!’

Catching a hint of that lithe figure beneath her cloak - the one he'd been dreaming of night after night - he gave her a teasing grin. ‘There’s precious little chance of that happening, but perhaps you were fishing for a compliment my lady?’

‘Ser Knight, a lady knows better than to tempt fate in such a manner.’ She placed a hand over her heart and batted her eyelashes at him.

He was enjoying the banter between them so much he completely let his guard down before he could stop himself. ‘Tempt away dear lady, for I assure you that your figure is perfect in every way.’

_Maker’s Breath!_

For the second time that evening, Cullen felt himself blushing bright red at his response, quickly shooting a glance at her to see if she'd noticed. Fortunately, Leanea didn’t seem to mind, giving him a blushing smile, giving him the only option of gaping at her in stunned admiration, trying not to fall over his feet in the icy snow.

As they reached the door to her quarters, he felt an overwhelming reluctance to let her go. It had been an unexpectedly emotionally charged evening, yet it had been some months since he'd enjoyed himself more. He rested one hand on her arm for a moment, just for the pleasure of having some form of contact with her one last time. 

‘I know tonight was hard for you.' He paused, trying to find the right words. ‘But I want you to know that I’m honoured you chose to share what you went through with me.’

‘Thank you. What you've said - it means more than you can realise.’ A hint of red stained her ivory cheeks, Cullen hoping he wasn't staring too obviously at the seductive curve of her lips. ‘And remember, I am always happy to return the favour should you ever need to talk.’

She had sensed his inner turmoil - of course she had. Whatever it was they shared made it impossible for him to keep a secret from her - a rather astounding piece of information that should have left him horrified. 

Instead, Cullen felt a resounding sense of calm and rightness - that this between them was meant to be.

 _I will never get enough of her._  

‘I will be on watch tonight Leaena, as soon as I get a message off about Trystan. My troops needed a break and, well, I…’. Cullen had no idea how to explain the compulsion that had come over him, that no one else could protect her to his satisfaction.

He could barely rationalise it to himself. 

'I just - I wanted to make sure you - you were safe tonight,' he stammered, worried he'd crashed through some unspoken boundary that made him sound like a lunatic.

Leaena stood gazing at him, her sapphire eyes unfathomable even as he sensed a myriad of emotions through her magic, a collision within her soul she couldn't control. Desire, confusion, trust, disbelief - and something else he didn't dare put a name to. Cullen recognised them all. It was hard not to, given the were an identical reflection of the turmoil coursing within him.

He ran a hand roughly through his hair, feeling more foolish by the second as she remained unmoving. If he hadn't been feeling so ridiculous, he'd have sworn she was about to ask him inside. And he wouldn't have been able to refuse.  

Instead, she leaned forward, pressing a lingering kiss on his cheek, her lips soft and warm against the chill of his skin. An intense wave of heat shot through his body as his mind spun, the simple touch having moved something within him that had been hidden for most of his life.

‘I would like that,’ she whispered by his ear before turning and walking into her lodge.

Cullen stared at the closed door for a minute, mind racing, before sending for someone to wait outside until he was done. Reaching his tent, he rattled off orders to the duty Captain to organise the search for Lord Trystan Trevelyan, and to get a message to Leliana about it as soon as possible.

He felt relief when he was back outside her lodge, quickly dismissing the guard as he settled himself outside. The warm imprint of her lips was still tinging on his skin, as was the sensation of her breath ghosting across his neck. Relaxing more as he felt her fall asleep, her magic resting peacefully, Cullen let his mind wander. It never went very far, however- the memories of Leaena, even in the short time they'd known one another, more than enough to sustain him through the night. 


	18. Two weeks on

‘And then she reaches over the table, casual as you do, and dumps the contents over his head, waking off like a queen,’ Varric said with a flourish as he ended his story, everyone laughing round the campfire.

‘You have quite the talent for storytelling Varric,’ Solas complimented the dwarf. ‘It’s a bit different to the Dalish but I find it passes the time quite congenially.’

‘Why thank you Chuckles,’ grinned Varric, ‘you have a way with words yourself. As for telling a good story…well it’s gotten me out of hot water on more than one occasion.’ He winked cheekily at Casssandra who humphed at him as she rose to her feet.

‘I am turning in for the evening. I suggest you do the same before you run out of your Brakien Brew like you did last night and keep us all awake with your….bawdy songs,’ she said with a look of distaste.

Lea decided right then that she’d never met a woman who needed to get laid more than Cassandra did.

‘Why Seeker,’ Varric raised his hands in protest, ‘you wound me. It was only two bawdy songs and even Frosty joined in for the last one.’

‘I only sang the first lines and that’s because Cadan taught it to me,’ Lea said laughing as she too got to her feet. ‘I am not getting involved in this discussion.’

‘Fine, fine,’ Varric sighed. ‘At least we are going back to Haven tomorrow so the Seeker won’t have to worry about my supply running low again.’

‘If you think I am traipsing all over the Frostbacks just to find you beer, Varric, you are sorely mistaken,’ Cassandra snapped. ‘So make sure you don’t drink Flissa dry.’

‘Oh she has my supply contacts already Seeker don’t you worry. Which means next time you can join in, let your coronet down, maybe even get lucky,’ he finished with a wicked grin at a thoroughly flustered Cassandra. Lea and Solas tried their best not to laugh at her outraged face.

_Maker, but she is such an easy target for Varric!_

‘I think it is past time for us to retire,’ Lea broke in before Cassandra could give Varric a blistering setdown, which he’d only completely ignore and antagonise her further. ‘I would like to make it back to Haven in good time to report back on our progress. Time is against us so we need to push our mounts as far as we are able.’

‘Very true, Herald,’ Solas said, walking to his tent, wishing her a good night.

Lea noticed Cassandra had disappeared, whilst Varric was packing away the cleaning kit for his crossbow.

‘Thanks for the stories Varric,’ she said with a smile. ‘We needed the break these last couple of nights.’

‘That we did Frosty,’ Varric said with a cheerful nod just as he yawned. ‘Damned if I’d forgotten how that brew hits you hard in the head in the mornings though.’

‘It does rather,’ she chuckled. ‘I think we needed to relax a bit. Our start here has been tough.’

She looked out over the Crossroads where they had returned to camp. She had a clear view of the central Hinterlands bathed in the moonlight, the twisting green nether of the Breach seemingly inescapable no matter where she looked.

‘Hasn’t it just,’ Varric rumbled in agreement. ‘I gotta say, I am disturbed to have found so much evidence for red lyrium present here of all places.’

Lea knew Varric was troubled for a deeper reason which she suspected was related to events in Kirkwall, but until he chose to confide in her she couldn’t do much. ‘It has been a valuable scouting mission but it’s thrown up so much more than we were expecting.’

‘Agreed,’ he sighed. ‘The question is what to do from here.’

‘Well, let’s figure that out when we get to Haven. It hasn’t been all bad; we have some new agents and gathered some useful intelligence.’ Lea mused. ‘Though that Master Dennett is as stubborn as a mule,’ she added with a small grimace.

‘Isn’t he a piece of work,’ Varric replied, rolling his eyes. ‘I can’t figure out how many wolves he expects us to kill before he’ll aid the Inquisition. Still, get Curly to sort those watch towers out for you and then we can finally knock this off the to-do list.’

With a monumental effort Lea managed to remain impassive at the mention of the Commander, as she had done throughout the whole trip, merely nodding her agreement to Varric and changing the subject quickly.

‘We’ll search out and destroy every node we find Varric, I promise,’ Lea shivered at the memory of being up close to a raw red lyrium vein, feeling the taint flowing through the rock like a living thing, crawling and clawying, trying to escape.

Varric nodded, quiet for a moment. ‘It’s evil, that stuff. Make sure people know not to touch it. The corruption is instant.’ His eyes looked lost in thought for a moment, hooded with dark memories Lea could only imagine.

‘Will do. I’ve sent a note back to the others asking for their troops and contacts to keep an eye out for it on their travels and let us know where it is. The Inquisition will deal with it.’

‘Thanks. I can’t tell you how seriously urgent it is that we wipe that stuff off of the face of Thedas. And on that cheerful note,’ he said with a big yawn, ‘I’m off to get some rest. You coming too?’

‘Not yet. I’m just going to sit up and go through some correspondence Josephine sent through today.’

Varric looked at her searchingly, the dwarf a match for Leliana when it came to spotting secrets that you were trying to hide, thought Lea. ‘Alright Frosty, I’ll leave it for now. But if you need to talk you know where I am.’

‘I’m fine, honestly, but I appreciate the offer. You’d best go sleep off that hangover,’ she replied with a grin. Varric chuckled as he turned towards his tent, waving his goodnight to her.

Lea did have correspondence from Josephine but it was nothing that couldn’t wait till she was back in Haven. Reading about the noble houses in Orlais and which ones the Inquisition should target was enough to put even the most hardened insomniac to sleep. Because she was so familiar with the Game there would be some quite straightforward decisions to make, but she didn’t have to worry about them right now.

She walked a little away from the main circle of tents round the camp fire, staying close enough to the Inquisition guards on duty but far enough away that she felt she had a little privacy. There was the perfect secluded spot right on the edge of the camp by the precipice. Lying down in the grass, face to the sky, she closed her eyes and started doing a breathing exercise Solas had taught her to clear her mind.

Except, of course, with all that had happened there was no clearing her mind. There hadn’t been since she’d left Cullen’s side and headed back into her quarters after they spoke at the lakeside. The conversation, the man, his touch, his eyes, the feel of his hand, the feel of his senses against her magic….they all replayed over and over in her mind.

_And, Maker help me, I don't want the thoughts to stop._

She held them to her closely, loving how cared for and protected he had made her feel. It had helped her through these two long, challenging weeks in the Hinterlands. From dealing with Revered Mothers with more arrogance than piety, to chasing around after druffalos, to fighting pride demons materialising out of rifts, she was exhausted.

_We have done good though._

The plight of the refugees had broken her heart and they had managed to sort out food and supplies to help them through winter. The biggest thing had been finally putting an end to the mage and Templar conflict in the region; they’d had a close call with some of the battles but had finally shut down the apostates in Witchwood and Templars on the West Road.

She had found it very hard to sympathise with the apostates. Living under the kosh of the Templars and then cracking under the strain...she could understand that, but not the taking of innocent lives.

Lea had shied away from Redcliffe, not ready to deal with some of her former colleagues who had joined the rebellion. She still didn’t feel she had enough information to make a decision one way or another as to who could help them close the breach. The next trip to Val Royaeux would perhaps clarify things further.

It had been good to get to know people a bit better too, this group of companions who would work with the Inquisition using their not inconsiderable skill and talent to help them win.

She was undergoing some tutelage with Solas on the Fade, greatly enjoying a whole new side to her studies she didn’t even realise existed. Varric was excellent company, adept at keeping their spirits up when things seemed impossible.

Even she and the Seeker were a bit less confrontational with one another. Cassandra had apologised to her for what happened upon her arrival by assigning blame too quickly and Lea, feeling awkward, had said not to worry about it. Then the woman still looked so anguished Lea relented and allowed her around two minutes of self-flagellation before firmly ordering her to stop.

_And tomorrow they would return to Haven. And I can see Cullen again._

Lea had fallen asleep every night thinking of the smell of him as she kissed his cheek; that deeply masculine, woody scent mixed with hints of tangy citrus. She could still feel the warmth of his skin, the touch of stubble along his jaw teasing her lips.

_It took all my willpower to walk away and leave him there on the doorstep._

She had never felt so safe in all her life than when she finally lay down to finally sleep, feeling his protection envelop her magic whilst he stood guard outside her door. For the ten minutes or so he’d been away from her, she’d felt positively bereft without that entwinement of their abilities that she’d grown accustomed to whilst they were sat by the lake.

Lea reached into her pocket for the two letters she’d carried around with her for the duration of their Hinterlands exploration. Cullen had been gone by the time she’d woken up, but she’d found a note underneath her door:

_Fair lady,_

_Duty calls this knight away to Highever, but his promise is not forgotten. I would hate to be the reason for a slug infestation at Haven for the want of a little light sparring._

_Leliana and I have initiated the search for Trystan. Maker willing, we will have some success soon. If there is anything else you can think of that we may have missed just tell Leliana whilst I am away._

_Should you ever desire company by a frozen lakeside again I would be happy to oblige. I am glad to have had the opportunity to help you in some small way._

_Andraste guide your travels to the Hinterlands._

_C_

She couldn’t help but smile at his attempt to lighten what had been a rather emotional evening for both of them. And she was so grateful for his launching the search for Trystan. She had not mentioned the dream with Samson – she was now not convinced it had actually happened and decided to let it lie.

She’d left a note for him to read when he got back, as he’d return before she did. It was simple, thanking him for his time and promising a repeat visit to the lake under more…..relaxed conditions. 

The second note was shorter, which she’d received with Josephine’s mail. It also sent her heart skittering all over the place:

_Herald,_

_Just to report on the success at Higheaver; the Teryn has promised us new weapons and equipment. He was impressed to hear that you had joined the Inquisition and sends his best regards to your father and mother._

_Does your family know everyone in Southern Thedas?!_

_I understand you will be back in Haven by the end of the week. I shall prioritise your training once you have recovered from your journey. Perhaps with a debrief in the evening somewhere I can, at least, cool down. I am sure you will work me hard._

_Maker keep you safe,_

_C_

_Does Cullen realise how wonderfully suggestive his last sentences sound?_

The thought that perhaps he did sent a jolt of heat through her, something she would think about when she wasn't so tired.

Either way, both notes had brightened her day. It made her feel ridiculously fuzzy to know the Commander was thinking of her enough to write to her, taking time out of what must have been a busy schedule. She couldn’t wait to train with him, see what it would be like with his abilities and hers combined in that unique way they were.

Putting the letters back and continuing to watch the multitude of stars making a blanket in the sky, she thought back to the last time she had the chance to sit in stillness and appreciate the beauty surrounding her.

She’d had no intention of revealing so much of her vulnerabilities to the Commander of the Inquisition of all people, and an ex-Templar still wedded to the concepts of the Order. And she most certainly hadn’t meant to go into any detail about her escape from the Circle. It still gave her nightmares.

As she heard him approach, she had intended on a light flirtation, determined to have some fun in this crazy scenario she had found herself in, taking pleasure in his company as she hoped he would hers. Enjoying spending an hour or so in the company of a handsome man. That was as far as she had meant to go.

_Of course my magic would give my innermost emotions away._

What was it about his Templar-ishness that appealed to the energies within her so much? She had felt guilty about requesting Inquisition resources to help with Trystan but when Cullen had finally joined her, and she knew that he knew she was in a bad place, she just blurted it out. And not only had he understood, he’d immediately done something about it upon their return to the village.

Then, to hear his apology for the way she had been treated had melted her heart some more. He seemed to understand without her needing to put words to it. And with just a few simple sentences he had made her feel so much better about this bizarre new world they all found themselves in.

 _He gave me hope_.

He'd also used her full name. Leaena. No one had used her name like that for a very long time, the way she preferred it. But the way it fell from his lips in thar deep warm toffee and whiskey voice..those demons disappeared for the first time in years.

Lea couldn’t believe, though, that she had told Cullen what happened at the Circle. Not even Trystan and Cadan knew the extent of the other mage’s threats to her, nor how close he had come to carrying them out. That terror-driven battle frenzy of fighting for her life, fighting to keep control of her body and mind, had changed her; she finally understood what it meant to be hunted and persecuted.

Cullen had been through the same in Kirkwall and Kinloch Hold. Her respect for him had increased even further as she thought about what he must have been through and still, he continued to serve, still doing what he felt was right.

_Fucksticks, I did nothing but go on and on that night and I still feel embarrassed by it._

_But he didn’t seem to mind._

They had managed a few more relaxed moments, swapping stories and finding out a bit more about each other.

She was sure she’d never see anything more endearing on a man again than the way Cullen blushed. And she shouldn’t have been so absurdly pleased to hear he hadn’t taken that pointless vow of chastity. She’d filed that away for future reference; the evening by the lake wasn’t about the overwhelming physical attraction she felt towards him.

Still gazing absently at the stars, her hands now folded behind her head, Lea allowed herself the luxury of remembering when Cullen touched her face, softly stroking her cheek and oh! so gently wiping away her tears.

Lea had almost stopped breathing at the look in his eyes as they captured hers and held them, the tawny and golden fire filled with compassion for what she had gone through; was still going through. Steely determination from deep within him reflected back at her, and she knew he would protect her for as long as she needed it.

Maker, she had almost howled when he took his hand away both times, feeling acutely the loss of heat that she could feel coming through his gloves.

_And when we stood there at the end as he held my hand? it was all I could do to not throw myself into his arms._

She had memorised in that moment every shadow on his face, that scar on his lower lip along with each line that told its own story about this man’s unwavering commitment to service, duty and faith; the sacrifices he’d had to make in order to meet the uncompromising ambitions of the Templar Order.

_I really still hardly know Cullen but I feel like I've known him forever._

She had always known of him – and Trystan at least had pretty decent taste in friends – but the stigmas of Kirkwall and Kinloch Hold had not escaped him, not in the eyes of mages anyway. She was fairly sure most of it was unwarranted and he had done his best in what sounded like Blight-level horrors.

He was so much more than she could have ever expected and she felt it a privilege to know a man of integrity and honour that he was – the Maker only knew how few of those there were around.

Lea sighed softly to herself.

_I know how attracted to Cullen I am. I know that with a man like that it could never be anything casual._

There was something unique in the way her magic merged with his abilities that bought them closer than she’d ever been to anyone else. If he had asked her at the end of the evening to go to the end of the earth and back with him, she would have agreed without hesitation.

Now, in the cold light of having battled her way for the last two weeks through hordes of Templars intent on killing apostates – how Lea hated that term! – and rebel apostates being accused of everything under the sun, she was even surer of what she’d said to him that night – that the Chantry, Templars and Circles were not fit for purpose. They were a flawed model of operation, victim-blaming at their worst, removing any sense of control and personal responsibility from mages and instead treating them like infants, incapable of rational thought.

Mages were constrained, restricted to set schools of magic and any further research forbidden.

_J_ _ust in case we all go maleficar.  Urgh._

She felt the same. Even though she was well travelled, she had led a protected, isolated experience, living in a gilded cage, moulded to be who her family thought she should be.

_Hmm, perhaps there is not much difference between me and Cassandra after all._

_The Seekers were her chance of escape, and so now the Inquisition is mine._

It was all too easy to turn a laudable goal of protection into a serious abuse of power. As for the lyrium and the Chantry in general…well….she would leave that for another night’s internal debate. Her problem was how Cullen would feel about it. She suspected they came from two opposite pathways and they would not agree.

Lea was close to some of the best the Templar Order had to offer and there was no doubt that they were a valuable resource, but not in the way they currently operated.

_Even Trystan doesn't know how strongly I feel on the subject._

_What am I worrying about anyway? You’ve known this man for about five seconds and remember, there’s no skipping off into the sunset with a Templar._

Her little pep-talk to herself did absolutely nothing.

Andraste preserve her, she still wanted to be with this man more than anything else. But there was nothing she could do about it.

Yawning, she got up and made her way back to her tent. As she curled up in her rugs, her last thought, floating in her mind unbidden, was of a blonde-haired ex-Templar with golden eyes standing watch over her, keeping her safe, giving her the dreamless sleep she badly needed.


	19. Through the Seeker's eyes

Cassandra rubbed her forehead, making a futile attempt to remove the almost permanent headache that seemed to reside there since the fall of Kirkwall’s Circle. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been able to sleep without her mind replaying the vision of Divine Justina in chains, being tortured. While she, her Right Hand, her sword of justice, was nowhere in sight.

_For the love of Andraste, I should have been there!_

Her voice repeated in her mind over and over again. It was her job to protect the Divine, her role to ensure nothing happened to her.

And now, she was dead. The aftermath was the stuff of apocalyptic nightmares; demons spewing forth from tears in the Fade all over southern Thedas. The Chantry in tatters, mages and Templars at war, whole countries divided. Families destroyed. So many tens of thousands dead; as if the hole in the sky was the Maker himself, weeping at the destruction humanity had wrought yet again in His name.

And it was up to them, the Inquisition, to make it better, to put a stop to the endless hurt that was ripping throughout the world. The task ahead of them sometimes overwhelmed her.

She moved her gaze towards the woman who rode at the front of their group, the one who had been there for the Divine when she should have.

That intense pain of having failed at her most basic duty had not left Cassandra yet; it mattered not that it was hardly the Herald’s fault for being called to aid Justina. She knew she had projected all her shame and grief onto Lady Trevelyan – no, Lea, she corrected herself – and the fact that she knew damned well she was in the wrong had made it even worse.

Everything she had worked for since Anthony’s death, everything she had sacrificed, everything she had ever denied herself in the name of the Maker; she felt as if it was all for nothing. She was a shell of her former self, needing to adapt to this completely alien situation yet floundering as the foundations she had based her life around had shattered.  

_None of that was the Herald’s fault. Or Varric’s for that matter, no matter how diametrically opposite we are._

_Although blessed Andraste, why couldn’t he find some clothes that covered up that ridiculous amount of chest hair he felt the need to display!_

He currently was slumped hungover in his saddle behind her, practically asleep, letting his horse lead the way. At least she didn’t have to look at him.

Cassandra was ashamed of herself.

She took a deep breath. She would need to make amends with them both. The Divine had not taken her on for her social skills, but she resolved to make an effort. The Maker had put them all together for a reason. Otherwise the bitterness that threatened to overwhelm her would twist her beyond recognition.

There were only a couple of miles more to go until they reached Haven, their horses slowly winding up the frosty mountain path to the village. She took this opportunity to observe the Herald further, trying to find a way through the icy demeanour she wrapped around herself every time she and Cassandra spoke.

_And which has been all her doing._

Lea was having an animated discussion with Solas in Elven, she and the elf having already become firm friends. Cassandra was astounded at her grasp of the language of the Dalish clans, and Lea had revealed her long-held desire to study with them.

She had learned the difficult tongue, begging the help of an Elven mage bought to the Circle as an apostate. She had laughingly shared some of her more embarrassing translation fails with the group one day as they sat round the campfire, demonstrating an ability to laugh at herself that Cassandra couldn’t help but admire.

Having Solas present was allowing her a whole new realm of study previously closed to her in the Circle. Solas, for his part, was more than happy to act as tutor, and the two of them had often disappeared for an hour or two at a time every day to practice her new Spirit skills. Cassandra had to respect the fact that Lea had never gone far, so Cassandra could still sense them both and watch over their magic use.

_She didn’t have to do that! She did it out of a courtesy to her._

With Solas quite correctly pointing out that all mages were now apostates, the two of them could have disappeared into the Great Forest and never come back.

Cassandra was overly suspicious of mages. She knew this; Justinia had often had to caution her to temper her views. But she had to find a way to control it, to not let it influence how she responded to the Herald, or other mages in their group. It was difficult, overcoming old habits, but she was determined to try.

The Herald could not be faulted for her fighting skill; she instinctively channelled her magic in concert with her battlemage talent. Between her and Solas, Cassandra doubted she’d ever come across a pair of more powerful mages.

She hadn’t needed to deflect much away from Lea, nor protect her, working well as a team member when they attacked as a group. It was apparent that she had received expert tuition from the Templars in combat without her abilities, her staff felling almost as many enemies as her magic.

Suddenly the gates of Haven appeared in front of them, Cassandra’s woolgathering having passed the time faster than she realised. They trotted into the stables by the entrance, all relieved to have some respite from the road.

‘Maker,’ Lea said with a grimace as she slid down from her horse, hanging on to its side slightly, ‘I will be glad to have a rest from all that riding.’

‘It takes some getting used to,’ Varric agreed with a huge stretch as the others dismounted with various complaints of aches and pains.

Her horse attended to, Cassandra allowed herself to subtly observe the Herald again, trying to see if there was anything there that would serve as common ground, allowing Cassandra to improve their relationship.

Lea had switched to an Orlesian battlemage armour type whilst they had been out in the field. The navy blue of the cloth was offset by the delicate bright blue runes sparking up her arms and in one line down her back, reflecting her specialisation.

It was looser than the Ferelden gear she’d had on previously; the top of her coat ending just mid-calf and belted loosely at the waist. As she moved, the coat shifted slightly, showing her legs clad in thigh-high black leather boots with skintight matching navy-blue trousers underneath.

Lea had managed to charm the merchant into selling her those; they had been intended for a store in Denerim. She’d also secured a new ironwood staff that was propped up on the stable wall, inlaid with diamonds with a large sapphire on top, occasionally shooting blue spikes of ice up its length.

Her hair had been bleached further blonde by two weeks of travel, now restrained in a ponytail high on her head, whilst her skin no longer held the green pallor when they first met but instead was lightly tanned. There could be no denying that the Herald was a stunning woman, the dark of her armour contrasting perfectly with the paleness of her skin and hair. And as Cassandra knew all too well, that could bring its own challenges.

As Lea laughingly flipped back a sarcastic retort to yet another one of Varric’s never-ending quips, hands over her head as she adjusted her hair and her deep blue eyes sparkling with humour, Cassandra felt a moment of jealousy.

_Maker take it, the woman is so beautiful and perfect. She has men eating out of her hand. She has made friends within Haven in such a short space of time. How does  she manage it, to take such joy from life when all around us is lost?_

_And why can't I be more like that?_

Cassandra snorted and turned on her heel to leave the stable. The Herald was flippant beyond belief, almost refusing to take seriously the situation they were in, yet when it came to what needed to be done, it was as if a switch had been flicked.

She took down their enemies with ease and was able to confidently negotiate with such a variety of different personality types, from cultists worshipping the Breach to offering comfort to a poor widow who had lost her husband.

Lady Leaena Trevelyan had a magnetism that few could resist, able to charm or destroy, adapting effortlessly to her surroundings. Cassandra could not deny that the Herald would be good for the Inquisition. But she was still a mage, regardless of how responsible she had shown her magic use to be, and she must be watched closely.

‘Seeker,’ Lea called to her just then. Schooling her features to one of impassivity, Cassandra turned to look at her.

‘I thought we could all make our way to the operations room and debrief with the Ambassador, Commander and Nightingale. Solas and Varric may well have further insights that you or I missed. We can always continue our deliberations after they leave,’ she finished.

‘It is a sensible suggestion Herald,’ Cassandra agreed. She gestured to the others. ‘Varric and Solas, do you have time to join us to discuss what we found in the Hinterlands?’

‘Of course Seeker,’ Solas said, ‘let me just first drop some herbs to Adan that I promised him.’

‘And I need to check with Flissa on how much ale I can consume this evening,’ Varric said cheekily. Cassandra stonily ignored him.

‘Very well. Shall we meet in the Chantry in, say, fifteen minutes? The sooner we do this the sooner we will all be free. I had already sent word ahead to the others that we would be back so they should be ready.’

Varic and Solas murmured their agreement and turned to leave, just as a runner burst into the stable, out of breath.

‘Lady Cassandra….Herald!’ he panted. ‘Outside the Chantry….mages….templars….hurry.’

With no discussion needed, all four grabbed their weapons and ran through the village. Cassandra was appalled by the size of the hostile crowd outside of the Chantry.

_Mages and Templars again, bringing their conflict even here, a place of new beginnings._

_People are stupid. They never learn from their lessons._

There seemed to be two ringleaders having a heated argument outside of the Chantry.

‘Your kind killed the Most Holy!’ a templar shouted.

‘Lies,’ retorted a mage. ‘Your kind let her die!’

‘Shut your mouth, mage!’ the Templar roared with fury. Both Cassandra and Lea started forward, then stopped as Cullen broke out of the Chantry, placing himself between the two groups. She felt Lea tense next to her, gathering her magic and ready to strike if necessary.

_An interesting reaction when there are a dozen guards around to protect the Commander?_

She was then momentarily distracted as she spotted the hints of blue aura round the Herald, but had no time to dwell on it further.

‘Enough!’ he shouted, the authoritative demand whipping through the crowd, making them still.

‘Knight-Commander…’ stuttered the mage.

‘That is not my title. We are not Templars any longer. We are all part of the Inquisition,’ Cullen ground out in frustration, looking at both of the groups and trying to get them to understand.

‘I should have fucking well guessed. That gutless, treacherous snake,’ Lea hissed next to her, icy fury dripping from every word.

Confused for a moment, Cassandra then understood completely as the pompous ass that was Chancellor Roderick made his way to the front.

‘And what does that mean, exactly?’ he shrilled.

Cassandra had forgotten how much the Chancellor’s voice was like metal scraping against metal. She knew he would get nowhere with the Commander though. Cullen had barely ever acknowledged the man’s existence.

‘Back already, Chancellor? Haven’t you done enough?’ Cullen sounded bored.

‘I’m curious Commander as to how the Inquisition and its Herald will restore order as you’ve promised,’ the Chancellor blustered.

‘Of course you are,’ Cullen replied sarcastically to the Chancellor, before facing the crowds and ordering them back to their duties. He then stood in front of the Chantry doors, arms folded, barring the Chancellor’s way.

‘Urgh that nasal whine, Maker save me,’ muttered Cassandra, then turned to Lea as she heard a slight chuckle from the mage. ‘I was just thinking the same, Seeker,’ she said grinning. ‘I’m just amazed you put up with it for so long.’ She looked at the Chancellor again, eyes narrow slits of anger. ‘The swine, swaggering around as if he’s Andraste’s latest prophet,’ she spat.

Cassandra gave her a quick smile then turned back quickly to see if, on the offchance, Cullen needed help. Which, naturally, he didn’t.

 ‘That witless man,’ Cassandra said in annoyance as the crowd slowly dispersed, leaving the Chancellor raging at Cullen, all to no avail. ‘He is a pest. I suppose I should get rid of him,’ she sighed. She’d rather spend an afternoon with Varric drinking that vile dwarven brew than deal with the Chancellor.

‘No let me do the honours, Cassandra,’ Lea said, her voice hard. ‘The Chancellor has, after all, been dragging the Inquisition’s name, not to mention my own, through the muck of Val Royaeux and beyond. There is a message this Herald would like to deliver to him in person.’

‘You won’t hear me complaining,’ Cassandra replied with a hint of relief. Who would have thought they would have found common ground over Chancellor Roderick of all people?

_Truly, the Maker moves in mysterious ways._

‘The Chancellor has been a thorn in our side ever since his appointment. I will be pleased to not have to deal with him for once.’

‘Very well, my Lady Seeker,’ Lea replied, her tone chillingly formal. ‘Shall we go and find out exactly why the Chancellor has rushed back into the bosom of the Inquisition?’

Cassandra looked at her, startled, before giving her an affirmative nod. She’d not heard the Herald speak with such hauteur before. Lea’s eyes had changed to cold flinty chips of pale blue ice, the runes on her armour glowing with an intensity that bespoke a mage holding all their power. By the almost invisible blue hue of her aura, Cassandra knew there were few could compete with the strength of Lea’s magic.

She found herself rather looking forward the upcoming confrontation as she and the others followed just behind the Herald, her languid stroll and relaxed attitude only betrayed by the amount of magic surging through her body.

As the group approached, they heard the sound of arguing.

‘The mages and Templars were already at war. Now they blame each other for the Divine’s death,’ Cullen sounded like he was trying to explain a particularly simple problem to a wilful child.

‘Which is why we require a proper authority to guide them back to order!’ Cassandra almost wanted to laugh at the audacity of the man.

‘Who, you?’ Cullen stared at the Chancellor in disbelief, sarcasm flooding his next words. ‘Random clerics who weren’t important enough to be at the Conclave?’

‘Another point for Curly,’ Varric chuckled next to her.

‘The rebel Inquisition and its so-called ‘Herald of Andraste’? I think not,’ the Chancellor replied scornfully.

‘Commander,’ Lea’s voice rang out sharp and cold, cutting the Chancellor off from saying anything further as she languidly walked towards the two of them.

Cullen turned, ignoring the other man in front of them. ‘Herald,’ he replied with a short nod. ‘I am glad to see you and your companions have returned safely. It is unfortunate you have returned to Haven with such discord among our people.’

‘It is of no import, Commander,’ she replied, Cassandra noting for the first time a hint of warmth enter her tone as she addressed him. ‘I am pleased to see how well you have kept order in our absence under somewhat…..challenging circumstances.’

_They looked absurdly good together._

That thought rose unbidden in her mind as Cassandra’s inner romantic went into overdrive. He, the epitome of the handsome, commanding Templar warrior, she the beautiful, influential lady with her powerful, seductive magic.

_Maker, there could be a book written about these two!_

It was impossible for her to miss that something which flashed between the two of them for an instant, before they became Commander and Herald once more. But whatever that something had been, the air had positively crackled around the two of them with the intensity behind it.

‘Are you thinking what I’m thinking, Seeker,’ Varric murmured, a gleam in his eye as he surveyed the Commander and Herald, having identified that same something that Cassandra had.

‘I wouldn’t know,’ she said dryly, not wanting to gossip. She didn’t have to worry; Solas said it for her.

‘Idle talk and rumour turns into the spreading of dirt and vicious scandal rather quickly,’ he said mildly. ‘Would you like to see the same directed at the Commander and the Herald?’

‘In other words, Varric: mind your own business,’ Cassandra finished with a stern look.

‘OK you two,’ Varric grumbled good-naturedly, ‘I get the hint; a lecture isn’t necessary. Oh look,’ he said, changing subject abruptly, ‘she’s about to tear a strip off the Seeker’s glorified clerk. Let’s not miss it.’

Leliana and Josephine had also come out of the Chantry in the meantime, making their way over to the group.

‘What’s going on Cassandra,’ Leliana murmured, her sharp eyes focused intently on the trio in front of them.

‘We may be about to see our friend the Chancellor get the come-uppance he deserves,’ Cassandra replied serenely.

‘It can’t come a moment too soon,’ Josephine whispered back. ‘The man has caused more problems for us than a Marabi loose in the Empress’ ball room.’

They focused again on the trio in front of them, a small crowd beginning to gather again. Cassandra didn’t want to have them dismissed; she wasn’t sure what Lea was going to say, but whatever it was it would be worth everyone hearing.

‘I’d hate to be interrupting an important conversation here, Commander,’ Lea said, her tone condesending.

‘Far from it Herald,’ Cullen replied in the same vein. ‘I find myself rather relieved to have the distraction.’

‘Oooh nice double entendre there, Curly. I don’t think we need to guess what you actually mean,’ Varric whispered with a chuckle. Cassandra glared at him to be silent whilst Leliana and Josephine’s eyebrows shot up with interest, watching even more closely than before.

Lea had turned to face the Chancellor; grand, aloof and every inch the noble that she was. Cassandra abruptly understood how Lea had received her reputation. Her icy contempt for the Chancellor was displayed for all to see as she judged him silently for a moment, finding him wanting in every single way.

‘Chancellor,’ she said silkily, ‘I see you have graced us with your presence once more. How delightful. I’m thrilled to have the opportunity to show you in person how my magic, bestowed by Andraste herself, has manifested itself since we last met. Blessed be the Maker,’ she said, bowing her head with eyes closed for a moment.

‘Doesn’t this Chancellor of yours despise magic?’ Solas queried, a slight grin tugging at his lips.

‘Maker yes,’ Leliana said, stifling a chortle of laughter. ‘She has gathered her magic on purpose,’ she finished, voice filled with renewed respect. ‘Well played, Herald.’

Lea had deliberately gathered such a large amount of power to goad him beyond reason, the air shimmering around her, runes glowing even brighter, as she continued to draw in her magic. She had so much control over herself even her aura had faded.

‘You are no Herald of Andraste! You should leave it to your betters to find a solution!’ the Chancellor said somewhat frantically.

Varric let out a snort of laughter at that. ‘Her betters? Did he seriously just rate us all as lower than a bunch of people who, particularly with those hats on, resemble something from a circus? I gotta remember that one,’ he chuckled again.

Lea’s gaze had narrowed. ‘If the proper authority hadn’t completely failed, the Conclave wouldn’t have been needed.'.

‘So you suggest I blame the Chantry and exalt a murderer?’ he cried in outrage. ‘What of justice?’

‘Cassandra, I would suggest you give Roderick to the stage, such a gift he has for amateur dramatics,’ Josephine said wryly.

‘You have no idea the pleasure that would give us both, Josie,’ Leliana laughed.

‘Who, exactly are you accusing of being a murderer, Chancellor? With no evidence? With no proof?’ Lea folded her arms as she stood relaxed next to Cullen, her casual stance betrayed by the frosted steel in her voice.

‘You were the only one left alive,’ he retorted, ‘with that Maker-cursed fire in your hand. And as a mage you cannot be trusted, that such powerful magic hasn’t turned you in some way.’

They all held their breath, wondering what their Herald’s response would be to that blatant accusation.

Lea’s didn’t move, her magic positively glowing as she replied in dulcet tones. ‘So here we all stand, right next to a former Knight-Commander of Kirkwall and the Divine’s chosen Right Hand no less. Gifted to us by the Maker and renowned for being the best magical protectors in Thedas.’

Turning to face the Chancellor full on, she continued in a syrupy sweet tone, laden with disdain as she drove her point home.

‘I am fascinated to know, Chancellor, how the Chantry’s leading authority on filing is better placed to identify and nullify maleficar than our very own Commander and Seeker?’ she finished, her eyes openly mocking the Chancellor.

Cassandra heard Leliana and Josephine gasp in admiration, whilst Varric openly laughed and even Solas chuckled dryly behind her. Cassandra nearly laughed herself at Cullen’s fight to remain impassive at the look on Roderick’s face.

Gaping like a fish, the Chancellor was trying to form a response when Cullen interjected.

‘Chancellor, we all want justice. It’s the main focus of the Inquisition. But that won’t help restore order in the here and now,’ he tried to explain impatiently, itching to be shot of the man.

‘Order will never be restored so long as this rebellion is allowed to fester,’ the Chancellor lectured pompously, recovering his wits suddenly.

Ignoring the Chancellor completely, Lea turned to Cullen, a bored expression on her face. ‘Cullen,’ she said with a slight yawn, delicately raising one hand to cover her mouth, ‘why is he still here?’

‘She must be a natural in Orlais,’ Josephine said with a grin.

‘You can just see it can’t you Josie,’ Leliana sighed. ‘The nobles will love her when we get her there.’

Cassandra watched the Chancellor go red-faced with anger at the blatant disregard the Herald was showing for his perceived authority and status.  

‘Because your Templar knows where to draw the line,’ the Chancellor interrupted.

‘Ohoh Curly won’t like that,’ Varric murmured. Cassandra nodded her head in agreement, waiting to see how Cullen would reply.

‘He’s toothless, Leaena,’ Cullen said with derision, his temper on the rise. ‘There’s no point in turning him into a martyr just because he runs at the mouth. He is a good example of what to expect in Val Royaeux however.’

 ‘All this should be left to a new Divine,’ the Chancellor doggedly persisted. ‘If you are innocent then the Chantry will declare it so.’

‘Or they’ll be happy to use someone as a scapegoat!’

The change in Cullen’s demeanour at that point went from bored to deadly in less than a second. He didn’t bother to hide the look of fury on his face as he studied the Chancellor, who took an involuntary step back.

‘You think nobody cares about the truth? We all grieve Justinia’s loss.’ The Chancellor was desperately trying to appease the Commander as he stared into eyes that promised retribution.  

‘The Chancellor will be lucky to leave intact if he carries on that way,’ Solas noted dryly.

‘Indeed,’ Cassandra replied, fascinated. Something very interesting was unfolding in front of them all.

‘But you won’t grieve if the Herald of Andraste is conveniently swept under a carpet’ he snarled. ‘I can assure you, Chancellor, that will not happen on my watch. Ever.’

‘Oh my,’ Leliana murmured approvingly. ‘Very well done, Cullen.’

_Oh Maker help my romantic soul._

Cassandra had caught a look at Lea’s face which, just for a split second, was unguarded as she looked at Cullen after his vehement defence of her.

She understood now, actually better than the two of them probably did. So much had shone from Lea’s eyes, something so much more than simple desire. They went from ice to a deep brilliant blue just for a moment as everything she felt for the Commander was revealed.

It was only a matter of time before she acknowledged those feelings, but Maker forgive her, Cassandra couldn't resist watching their journey as they eventually realised the truth.

‘Way to go Curly. That’ll get ‘em every time,’ Varric said, for once not ridiculing what they’d seen. 

‘Leliana, I thought you said they’d only just met,’ Josephine said with a dreamy sigh. ‘But the way Lea watches him is somewhat more……intimate than I’d be with a new acquaintance.’

‘Sometimes the first look is all it takes, Ruffles,’ Varric replied softly. Cassandra looked at him sharply. There was yet another story there.

Blinking slightly, as if having just noticed the Chancellor standing there, Lea’s next words were designed to cut. ‘Well,’ she drawled, ‘let’s hope we find solutions in Val Royaeux, and not a cathedral full of Chancellors.’

‘The stuff of nightmares,’ Cullen said sarcastically, his whole body still rigid with rage, directed right at the Chancellor.

‘Mock if you will. I’m certain the Maker is less amused,’ he preached at them both.

‘For fuck’s sake, does that man never learn when to shut his mouth,’ Varric cursed.

‘Oh she’s had enough,’ Cassandra said out loud, then looking around in slight horror that she’d done so.

‘You are correct, Seeker,’ Solas replied. ‘Look at her magic intensify. Yet she will not use it as a show of force to intimidate; she just needs to feel it right now.’

‘Yes,’ Cassandra said, feeling the intent in Lea and not worried in the slightest as Lea advanced on the Chancellor, her magic rising in her at every step as he shrank away from her. The runes on her armour were so bright now as to almost be on fire, her eyes blazing with icy flames as she raked him scathingly from head to toe.

‘Oh, I know the Maker is not amused, Chancellor,’ she spat his title at him. ‘I didn’t think the Maker was amused when someone decided to commit genocide on hundreds of innocent people at the Divine's Conclave leaving a fucking huge tear in the sky. I didn’t think the Maker was amused when mages and Templars used each other for target practice, leaving thousands upon thousands dead or displaced languishing with no homes, no food, no shelter. With nothing.’

She poured burning scorn on each word, her voice getting quieter and colder the angrier she became yet carrying still to the crowd behind.

‘Where were you, Chancellor, whilst these people were dying? When these people needed guidance, advice and comfort for all they had lost? As red lyrium grew out of the ground – continues to do so! - poisoning everything it touches? Where were you, Chancellor, when demons were falling out of rifts across the Hinterlands, terrorising a nation still trying to rebuild after the horrors of a Blight that ended only a few short years ago?’

Lea was practically nose to nose with the Chancellor now, her voice so low it was almost a whisper. Cassandra had felt Solas do something, however, which meant her words echoed round Haven for anyone to hear.

‘I can tell you where you were. Sat behind your comfortable desk, writing poison pen letters about me, the Seeker, the Commander, the Nightingale, the Ambassador, the dwarf, the elf. People who have of their own free will dedicated their lives in trying to stop the madness, daily putting their lives on the line to save your sorry carcass. These good people who you would condemn to death with a swish one of your fanciest quills whilst you hid behind the skirts of the Chantry.’

Chancellor Roderick still did his best impression of a fish on land as Lea continued to bore into him.

‘Doing the Maker’s work were you, dividing the Chantry even further, meddling in affairs which you haven’t the faintest idea how to handle? Making decisions on magic, my magic and my abilities, when you don’t know one end of a staff from the other, let alone be able to identify blood magic? How dare you!’

Her voice had increased in volume and it now rang out, clear and cold. She paused for a second, her icy eyes demanding an answer. The Chancellor had none to give.

‘Who exactly do you think you are, Chancellor?’ she demanded, condemning the man further with each word. ‘You would rather people kept dying, the rifts staying open, demons ravaging the land, all because you lack the imagination to think beyond your own horizons,’ her voice dropped to a whisper, ‘because you are scared of what the Inquisition represents. We are agents of change. There will be a new world order, like it or not. And that you cannot stand.’

Cassandra and the rest of the people of Haven were collectively holding their breath, waiting to see what Lea said next. It was a truly masterful, heartfelt speech and one everybody needed to hear.

‘Your fears, Chancellor, are not my problem. If you insist on staying in Haven then, by the Maker, you will pull your weight around here and tend to the sick and needy. You will know your place and not step foot beyond it.'

'I expect you to report to the Revered Mother Giselle and lend her your assistance in any way you can. And you will learn to hold your tongue and stay the hell out of my way, and that of the Inquisition leadership. If you cannot find it within you to truly behave like an Andrastian should, then Commander Rutherford will not hesitate to arrange for a troop to escort you to Haven’s boundaries.

'But understand this; I will not allow your poison to take seed here. Mage, Templar, Chantry; we work together or not at all.’

Lea, her magic still flowing through her, turned and swept up the steps of the Chantry, disappearing inside.

Instead of watching her, Cassandra looked at Cullen. The depth of his emotion was apparent; respect, pride, awe, desire, and yes, that was there too.....

‘Yep,’ Varric said quietly, ‘Curly’s got it bad.’


	20. The Ambassador remembers

_Andraste’s Mercy but things are moving at a swift pace!_

Josephine ticked another item off her to-do list with satisfaction. The trip to Val Royaeux was set, the schedule for the remainder of the work in the Hinterlands agreed.

Things were getting very busy for the members of the Inquisition.

Lea and Cassandra, with Varric and Solas, would leave for the Orlesian capital the day after tomorrow to speak to the Chantry leaders.

Cullen was leaving at the same time for the Hinterlands to oversee the construction of watchtowers for Master Dennet.

She had to make a long trip to Lydes to negotiate a tricky succession issue that could greatly help or hinder the Inquisition in the long run. Leliana was staying in Haven to manage things while everyone was gone.

They’d all congratulated Lea for managing to leave Chancellor Roderick speechless for once, as well as thanked her for the impassioned speech she had made for unity within the Inquisition. For a woman who had a reputation for being as cold as ice, she was remarkably shy about the whole situation, even blushing slightly at their praise.

As they all left the operations room, Josephine’s mind thought back to the meeting they’d just had. She found it heart-warming how the Commander was unconsciously so protective of the Herald.

Both he and Leliana had strongly protested against the Herald going to Val Royaeux, although Cullen was far more concerned for Lea the person compared to Leliana's focus on the Herald. What was even more interesting was how she, obviously a powerful mage well able to take care of herself, didn’t seem to mind Cullen in protector mode one bit.

_Both of them make quite masterful efforts to hide their emotions and the average person would never guess that they felt anything for each other beyond the starts of a friendship._

_In a room which numbered an ex-bard, a Spymaster, a Seeker, a master storyteller and an elf who could visit people in their dreams, there is not a hope of them keeping their feelings a secret._

Of course, she smiled to herself, the fun part was they didn’t realise yet.

It was going to be the tale of the age when those two finally got together, and Josephine couldn’t wait to watch the path they took to get there.

There was some sort of unspoken agreement from everyone that they wouldn’t interfere, wouldn’t comment on the…..situation between the Herald and the Commander. Everyone was content to let them get on with it and mind their own business.

And that reminded her. There was a letter that had been burning a hole in her pocket ever since it arrived for the Herald yesterday. She recognised the firm, bold hand, the arrogance and beauty in the writing, not to mention the seal of the Trevelyan house. Josephine felt uncharacteristically jumpy.

_As if you needed reminding. Don’t kid yourself Josie._

‘Lea,’ she called, ‘do you have a moment?'

‘Of course, Josephine,’ Lea said, following her into the ante-room next door.

Taking a deep breath as she closed the door, Josephine put her hand in her pocket and wordlessly gave Lea the letter.

She immediately squealed in excitement.

_Yes the Herald of Andraste just squealed in excitement._

‘Cadan!’ she cried, breathlessly opening the letter and quickly scanning the contents.

‘Well, in a nutshell, lady Ambassador, Cadan is en route to us here and could be with us by……let me check the date of this letter….’ Lea broke off a second…’in a week! So when I return from Val Royaeux hopefully he will be here!’

‘That will be nice for you, Lea,’ Josephine said. Ever the diplomat.

_It stands me in good stead right now._

‘How exciting,’ Lea said with a huge grin on her face. ‘I must tell Cullen and Varric as well; they will look forward to seeing him. Thank you for bringing me this news, Josephine.’

_Blessed Andraste, you could lose yourself in those sapphire eyes._

Lea was literally aglow with the news, the runes on her armour gently glowing, reminding her of Lea’s unique beauty. She wasn’t going to think of how seeing the Herald every day was a painful reminder of Cadan.

‘Right, I need to shoot off and sort out some training sessions with Cullen,’ Lea said, looking at Josephine closely.

_She knows. Of course she does. Those two are as thick as thieves, even when an ocean and a continent separates them._

Maker be praised, Lea didn’t go into it any further, merely thanking Josephine once more and rushing off. To Cullen, Josephine thought with a hint of wistfulness.

_It would be nice to have someone to feel like that about._

‘Except I already do,’ she whispered to herself. And he would be here. In a week.

She locked the door to her office, needing to not be disturbed for a while. She felt thoroughly discomposed, a sensation that did not sit well with the Ambassador. Walking to her desk and flopping into her chair, she put her head in her hands and groaned out loud.

Cadan Trevelyan would be here, in Haven, in her space, in her thoughts, in her head.

_Even after everything. I still want him._

Leaning back and closing her eyes, she thought back to when they first met. She had been the Antivan Ambassador to court for a few months and he had been out of smuggling for a few years. He’d been part of Isabela’s crew, who had a reputation for being especially hedonistic.

Because of his title, Cadan often had access to the parties and engagement of the Val Royaeux elite. The women couldn’t get enough of him, this smugger lord who looked like the very embodiment of every female fantasy rolled into one. His face was like a work of art that the Maker himself had crafted, with that hint of rougeish charm permanently reflected out of his brilliant blue eyes. He was tall, lean, and devastatingly handsome.

They had met at one particular noble’s wilder parties. Josephine had been charged with looking after this lord from the Free Marches in any way required.

_Oh yes, that was a night I will never forget._

By the time Lord Trevelyan had arrived, the party was in full swing. Couples had moved to rooms to play out their fantasies in whatever way they desired. This noble was renowned for throwing the very best, for the very best. Men and women were available for partygoers to take their pick if they so wished. Whether people wanted to watch or have some privacy, indulge with toys, each other or simply fuck, there was something there for everyone.

Wanton was the byword of the evening.

As Josephine sauntered towards Cadan in a dark red robe draped to leave very little to the imagination, her hair up in an elaborate plait, she’d had to stop herself from gaping like a schoolgirl at this beautiful man.

She’d introduced herself; he’d said he was very glad to be there. She’d taken his arm, asking him what he was in the mood for that evening. He’d said nothing, just given her a long, hot gaze that already had her getting wet.

As they explored the palace and the various rooms with milder entertainment, he kept whispering in her ear all the things he was going to do to her later. Lick her, taste her, make her scream. Josephine, of course, returned the favour. Suck him first then ride him hard till he begged her for release.

_We didn’t stay long at the party._

That night he had done all that he’d promised. Josephine still remembered how good his fingers felt inside her, touching that spot high up inside her that made her lose control, his lips on her clit, teasing, licking, tasting her and the unbearable pleasure of having his hard cock thrusting hard inside her, holding onto her hips so she couldn’t move, driving them both to the most intense orgasm she’d ever had.

After that night they were inseparable for the whole time he was in port, spending every waking day and night together, exploring each other’s bodies, discovering each other’s fantasies, sharing each other’s secrets. It was the perfect summer.

Until one night there was a raid on one lord’s estate. Valuable documents went missing, that threatened the security of Orlais itself.

_And without a trace, Cadan had gone._

She had been devastated, furious at having been played so neatly. She found out afterwards that he was a Ferelden spy. It didn’t matter that this was all part of the Game. Cadan had broken the rules.

_He made me fall in love with him to get what he wanted._

_He is a ruthless bastard who played me finer than the strings on a lute._

When they had realised who the Herald was, Josephine and Leliana had shared a glance, each one of them aware exactly who the woman was related to, knowing that he would at some point reappear in their lives. Josephine knew by then that Leliana had an affair with Cadan whilst he was still with the Raiders, but that had ended long ago.

Getting up from the desk, feeling better than she had done in some time, Josephine smiled to herself.

_Revenge will indeed be sweet._


	21. Aftermath

Lea closed the door to the tavern, laughing as she blocked out the shouts for her to stay for a successive round of Wicked Grace. Varric and some dwarves who had appeared earlier that day were settling in for a night of cards, even though the hour was getting late.

She had decided to make the effort to go and spend some time with the people of Haven, to show them that the Herald was a real person and interested in their wellbeing. Not some remote figurehead that they couldn’t relate to who would do nothing for them.

As part of her new crusade for change, Lea also wanted people to not fear magic, like they had been taught all their lives by the Chantry. The only way to do that was show them there was nothing to be frightened about. She had been the only mage in the tavern and some of the Templars had eyed her with suspicion, but she had to start somewhere.

Sighing to herself, she knew it would be an uphill battle.

She walked slowly, suddenly realising her feet had not taken her back to her lodge, but down the path towards the lake. Which conveniently would take her past Cullen’s tent. She ground to an abrupt halt, needing to gather her wayward emotions before deciding what to do next.

Lea deliberately hadn’t stopped today to consider what in Andraste’s name had happened earlier.

Seeing the angry crowds swirling round Cullen, her first instinct had been to freeze the living shit out of anyone who even tried to harm him. Her magic had risen up, unbidden, almost slamming into Cullen’s core in its need to be as close to him as possible.

All in all, it was a completely irrational reaction given that the Commander was one of the foremost warriors in Thedas, not to mention the huge amount of guards surrounding him who were ready to jump in.

_Maker, how I missed this man!_

Then, when she’d finally looked at him properly for the first time in two weeks, to see that tawny-golden fire in his eyes ignite as he looked at her, she just wanted to tell the Chancellor to fuck the fuck off and drag Cullen to bed.

And, if that hadn’t been enough, Lea’s heart had nearly exploded on the steps of the Chantry when Cullen had defended her so passionately against that worm.

_The intensity in his voice had me melting inside, had me wanting to take his face in my hands and tell him that I will never let herself be taken, will never leave him._

_Then kiss him senseless till he got the message._

She’d stormed into the Chantry very soon after that in a rage, sickened by the attitudes she’d seen. She and the Inquisition leadership were not putting their arses on the line every minute of the day so people could feel free to bicker and bitch about the same old shit that caused this whole problem in the first place.

_Although i will have to ask Solas where he got that amplifying spell from._

_That is a very handy one to have up my sleeve if I have to go off and be Heraldic anywhere else._

She hadn’t meant to give a speech but, in the heat of the moment and her emotions through the roof given whatever had just passed between her and Cullen, she’d just had enough. Lea had been surprised by the congratulations from the others when they got into the operations room.

Well, all except Cullen. He’d stood slightly behind the rest, eyes positively on fire, watching her steadily, his expression unreadable in the shadows. She felt his senses curl round her magic in a gentle caress, felt the relief deep inside her that she could feel him again and have him nearby.

She hadn’t realised her speech would have such an impact, or that it really would do much for the people of Haven. Leliana reported the whole town and Inquisition forces were ablaze with debate and, upon hearing her heartfelt defence of the Inquisition, filled with a renewed sense of purpose. 

 _Ah well, it seemed to have gone alright in the end_.

And the Chancellor had been left in shock and seemed to have disappeared somewhere. So long as she didn’t see him or have to hear his bullshit again, she had achieved her aims.

Although what everyone else thought of her so blatantly revealing her emotions towards the Commander she didn’t dare think. In the meeting afterwards it was all she could do to look at him straight and maintain her professional demeanour, underneath the intense scrutiny and interest of five very shrewd pairs of eyes.

Sighing, she expected the gossip and rumours to have already started to circulate. Even though there was nothing to speculate about.

_S_ _od it - I will cross that bridge when she came to it._

Cullen seemed his normal self, if a bit distracted and slightly flushed when they’d discussed directly with each other how best to tackle the watchtowers. In a silly way, it warmed her to know he’d been as affected by what had happened outside of the Chantry as she had been.

_Andraste save me, that blush is as adorable as I remembered._

It completely threw her for the next five minutes, and Solas had neatly stepped in to explain the latest intelligence they had on Fade rifts. She owed the elf a drink for that one.

After the meeting, she had been ecstatic to receive a letter from Cadan. It hadn’t escaped Lea’s notice that the Ambassador looked particularly uncomfortable about her twin making an appearance.

Cadan had, for once, been very close-lipped about the affair he’d had with Josephine several summers ago. He had returned from Val Royaeux with a haunted look about him and had never explained why, not even to her. She suspected she was about to find out.

_Which, in a mean way to Josephine - sorry, means the heat would be off me, thank the Maker._

Lea couldn’t abide scrutiny of who she chose to sleep with so she had some sympathy for Josephine. In her case, such gossip had led to one heated argument that ended up in some flame and ice bolts being thrown by either side when she was still an apprentice, quickly stopped by the Templars and leaving her in some trouble. But now as woman grown, in control of her own desires?

_What do I want to do about this?_

Almost involuntarily, her feet moved of their own accord and led her straight towards the Commander’s tent.

She started to feel him, that warm protective glow radiating through her, her magic tickling as she got closer. Which, of course, meant he could sense her as well.

Lea gulped slightly as she stood right outside.

_Formal or casual? Will he think I’m being too friendly in front of his captains? Will he think I’m being too cold and that will put him off? For fuck’s sake, can I overthink this any more?_

Before Lea had a chance to decide, Cullen stepped out almost straight in front of her, making her give – much to her horror - a squeal of surprise.

_Oh Maker save me, I look like a prize twat……and there’s his captains right behind him. The Herald of Andraste, squealing outside the Commander’s tent. And not in a good way. Could I be any more embarrassed?_

Cullen stopped to grab her as she nearly fell over. A delicious heat coiled out of the centre of her body as his arm slipped behind her back and round her waist, his other hand grabbing her flailing arm. Gently, he set her on her feet, not quite letting go as he looked at her.

Lea silently begged Andraste to keep Cullen holding her, just for a moment longer. The strength of the man, the feel of his strong arms around her body; they alone were one of the most delicious things she’d ever experienced. And there they were, both fully dressed in the middle of a soldiers’ encampment and she could still feel the heat of him searing through her cloak.

_If this is good then what would it be like if we’re both naked in private…._

‘Herald!’ he exclaimed, bringing Lea back to the present. ‘Are you alright? My apologies….’

‘I'm sorry, Commander,’ Lea knew she was blushing furiously as she continued, ‘I did not mean to disturb your meeting.’

‘Not at all; we were just finished. But I haven’t hurt you in any way?’

His voice as he asked after her lowered to almost a caress, making Lea nearly fall over again as a wave of desire hit her hard.

‘Noo..no I am fine, thank you,’ she replied, steadying herself, feeling cold as his hands fell back to his side.

‘How may I assist you?’ Cullen asked politely. She could have been swapping pleasantries a stranger except his eyes were smouldering a warm tawny-gold at her, with an unidentifiable something flickering in their depths that made her heart stutter.

‘I…..wondered.....do you had some time?’ Lea blurted out in a garbled rush, stammering slightly.

_When did I start behaving like a girl asking her first crush on a date!_

As her blush stained her cheeks further red, Cullen watched her for a moment, a wealth of feeling in his face for a split second. She saw desire warring with duty, lust warring with obedience and that unidentifiable something yet again; emotions she knew she shared.

Her magic was practically climbing out of her body, so badly did it want to be entwined with Cullen as tightly as possible.

‘Of course,’ he replied. ‘We were finished anyway.’ He gestured to his captains that they were dismissed and turned to Lea. ‘Lead the way, Herald.’


	22. Games

‘I thought I might go for a drink,’ Lea said slowly, still blushing furiously. ‘I wondered if you might like to come and join me. I mean…..I don’t know if I still have guards but…well….it’s been a shit day and….I thought I’d let you know in case you wanted to come.’ She finished in a rush.

_Smooth Lea. Real smooth. You just left the bloody tavern!_

She had completely lost her fabled ice princess reserve around the Commander.

‘It would be my pleasure,’ Cullen replied softly, ‘I am …glad you thought to ask.’

Lea smiled up at him, letting her pure happiness shine through at the chance to spend some more time with this wonderful man as they headed over to the tavern.

His eyes were making her melt. His smile, lips gently pulling upwards and that scar she was desperate to touch, lick, suck, tease with her tongue….

_Maker, the taste of him would be incredible. And not just when I kiss him._

‘I heard from Cadan,’ she said in a vain attempt to rein in her wayward thoughts. ‘He should be here in a week or so.’

‘Things are going to get very interesting,’ Cullen replied with a grin. ‘Your twin is going to create waves in Haven.’

‘Blessed Andraste, you should have seen Josephine’s face when I told her,’ Lea laughed out loud. ‘He is in for some trouble when he sees her next.’

Cullen chuckled next to her in agreement. ‘Yes, I expect there to be fireworks. We should arrange for some snacks and watch the display from far, far away. I have no intention of being caught in the fallout!’

_Oh Maker be damned, that warm-toffee-whiskey voice._

How she had missed it whilst they had been away.

‘He never told me the full story with Josephine.’ Lea said with a slight grimace. ‘Which is fine, of course - I have no desire to have too much detail on his exploits. And I’m particularly relieved now, because I think he behaved like a complete shit to her. I’m not sure the end justified the means for him. He was quite different for some time after he returned from Val Royaeux that summer.’

‘I suspect that’s why she decided to go to Lydes in person,’ Cullen replied. ‘To avoid spending too much time with him.’

‘I assume so,’ Lea sighed. ‘Affairs of the heart are never easy, particularly not when you get involved with someone like Cadan.’

_Woman, what is wrong with you, to go down this line of conversation with this man of all people!_

Fortunately they’d just arrived at the tavern, Lea able to hide her seemingly never-ending blushes by busying herself with getting the drinks. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been so flustered, but if she even attempted one small spell to cool her cheeks down he’d know, which made it all pointless anyway.

They waved at Varric, who grunted a response, focused on his cards, and went to look a table for the two of them. The tavern by now was relatively quiet and Lea gestured to a spot in the far corner, blocked from the view of most of the patrons and affording them a bit of privacy.

As they settled in, Lea looked around her with interest, just as she had earlier. She had certainly been out and about more than the average mage, but always heavily supervised and never to a tavern. To be able to sit here and have the freedom to do something as simple as have a drink with a friend was a new experience.

Except what she felt for the man in front of her went well beyond the bounds of friendship.

‘I imagine this must all be quite different from what you are used to in Ostwick,’ Cullen said, a note of curiosity in his tone as he saw her taking everything in.

‘It’s exciting, being away from that life,’ Lea replied contemplatively. ‘Before, my path was so limited – the only option I had was to rise through the ranks of being a mage. Now, there is a world of opportunity. I can actually use my magic for good. Do something different. Maybe that’s selfish, given what’s happened.’

‘No,’ Cullen said firmly. ‘Don’t think that. It’s as you said earlier – this is a new world we are moving into. The Chantry lost control over both the Templars and mages and now the Inquisition can act where they cannot. Just think,’ he carried on with rising excitement, ‘our followers would be part of that. There’s so much we can…’

He broke off with that blush of his, looking a bit sheepish. ‘Forgive me. I doubt you asked me here for a lecture.’

_Oh Cullen, don’t tempt me. I’d be more than happy to show you exactly why I asked you here._

Lea shoved that thought ruthlessly to one side. She was moved to hear the passion in his voice as he spoke about the potential for the future.

‘Far from it,’ she replied, her voice warm. ‘I would be interested to hear your views. I asked you…’ she faltered a bit before continuing, ’I asked you here to get to know you a bit better. And that includes hearing your thoughts on what path the Inquisition should follow.’

Cullen fell quiet, thinking for a moment. It gave her the ideal opportunity admire his profile; his firm jaw, determined chin and the stubble that indicated he’d not had time to shave in the last couple of days. She remembered again the feel of it on her lips, the woody citrus smell of him.

_Would it be so bad to lean in for a kiss?_

_Maker! Yes it bloody well would! Poor man, to have me pounce on him when he’s busy trying to explain his visions and hopes for the future. And in the middle of a wretched tavern! So much for your famed desire for privacy if you jump on him like a whore from the Blooming Rose!!_

‘I left to join the Order at thirteen,’ Cullen began, still lost in thought. ‘I was always fascinated by the knights and could think of no better calling than to protect those in need. I used to beg the Templars at our local order to teach me and they often relented. The Knight-Captain spoke to my parents and that was pretty much that.’

‘You were still so young,’ Lea said sympathetically. ’Mages too are taken at that age or even younger.’

‘Indeed,’ he replied. ‘And you all learn to look out for one another. You miss family, but eventually your new life takes over.’

‘I will never forget the day I undertook my vigil. I was eighteen, so excited about serving, becoming the very best Templar I could be if I was devoting my life to this. They gave me my first phial of lyrium afterwards. And so it began, this new existence I had been working towards for so many years.’

Lea gave an involuntary shiver at the mention of lyrium. That leash that Templars had attached to them forever. The chosen method of control by the Chantry. That life of lies that they twisted to make good men and women feel like they were being honourable.

‘What made you want to become a Templar?’ she wondered aloud. ‘I still to this day don’t know why Trystan joined as my father wouldn’t have made him.’

‘Mages not being able to understand what drives Templars to service? What a surprise,’ he grinned.

‘You know what I mean,’ Lea batted his arm playfully. ‘You, nor Trystan, nor Iminric for that matter, were promised to the Chantry at a young age. Not like, say, Alistair.’

‘You pick the King of Ferelden as your example of a person promised to the Chantry?’ Cullen was laughing now.

‘Hey, play nice!’ she said with a giggle as she got up to stretch, trying to work loose some knots from the long journey, ‘I can’t help who my family is. And I’ve only met Alistair a couple of times. Caya and Cadan know him much better than I do. I doubt he’d even remember who I am.’

At the sight of her cat-like stretch, Cullen gave her an intense look, almost as if he was arguing over something in his head, fighting something. His eyes were hooded, sheltering what was going on within him.

Suddenly, as if he had reached his decision, the golden fire in his eyes darkened whilst he let his gaze travel leisurely over her body, making it clear how much he was enjoying his view.

And, just like that, Lea felt her mood change from relaxed to white hot lust.

_Well, that escalated fast.Thank the Maker!_

‘Oh, I can assure you he’d remember,’ he replied softly, leaning towards her. ‘It would take a blind man to forget you, Leaena. Most of us are far from that point,’ Cullen finished, capturing her gaze once more.

_Blessed Andraste, this man is so damned attractive!_

This was a side to him Lea hadn’t seen, although she suspected it was there. She immediately loved how he could switch from being the perfect gentleman, blushes and all, to the predatory, sensual male that was in front of her right now. 

She had no idea what bought about the change but by the Maker, she wasn’t complaining in the slightest.

As she slid back into her chair, she watched him back, she let her tongue dart across her lips and caught her bottom lip with her teeth slightly, feeling immensely satisfied to see his eyes darken whilst he shifted in his position to get more comfortable.

Lea wished she could see the lower half of his body, although she was pretty sure he was getting harder by the second. She hoped so. Just the start of a flirtation with Cullen had her aching and wet.

Blushes and awkwardness were foreign territory to her. Responding to a gorgeous man’s blatant, and approving, appraisal of her? That wasn’t just something she knew about, it was something she revelled in.

Flicking her hair back over her shoulders, watching him looking at the long, thick blonde strands as she toyed with some of them in one hand, she reached for her drink with the other.

‘I take it you haven’t forgotten about me,’ she replied, her voice sultry with her want for him. She dropped her gaze slightly before looking back at him, eyes slightly wider.

Her magic had gone into overdrive, winding around his senses softly, seductively.

‘None made quite the entrance you did when you arrived at Haven,’ Cullen murmured, not taking his eyes off hers, watching her every move with the precision of a lion stalking its prey.

 _Just the way I like it_.

Lea arched one eyebrow, putting her drink down slowly, still watching him. Maker, but this was fun!

‘At least I got everyone’s attention,’ she drawled, openly perusing him so he had no doubt as to exactly whose attention she had been after in particular.

‘That you did,’ he replied softly, looking again at her lips.

‘What can I say? I like to know that I’m wanted,’ she said flippantly.

Toying with one finger on the rim of her glass Lea caught a drop of ale and lifted it to her lips, sucking her finger lightly before letting her hand fall. She allowed a slight smile at the naked hunger that appeared on Cullen’s face.

_Mmmmm, looking down, seeing him licking my clit with those eyes knowing what he’s doing to me…_

‘Oh you are most definitely wanted, Herald,’ he practically growled at her to her delight.

‘There’s a difference, however, between wanting something....’ he paused, raising a finger to her face, trailing slowly down her cheek. He pretended to wipe away an imaginary speck on her chin before running it over her lips and sliding the tip in for her to helplessly tease with her tongue, closing her mouth round its heat. '.......and deserving it.’ He took his hand away slowly with a final caress.

_I. Am. On. Fire._

She could barely breathe, she was so filled with want for him. The warmth of just the one finger on her face, the friction on her lips, just knowing what he wanted - it left her whole body tingling, begging for release. To give herself a moment, Lea allowed her eyes to flicker across those broad shoulders, wide chest, travelling down and lingering just where his waist met the table, making no secret of what she wanted to see, before going back to his face.

When she saw the blaze in his eyes, filled with want, lust and oh Maker! behind it all, need – all of it just for her, it was all she could do to not climb across the table and into his lap to start something she hoped would never end.

‘Well, Commander,’ she purred, lightly tapping her long fingernails on the table, ‘ How would you like to find out what the difference is? I am known for being.....creative whilst I play.’ Oh Maker, it felt so good to see him nearly lose control at the thought of how creative she could be.

Cullen gave her the slowest, provocative smile as he considered her question. ‘I always find sparring a good game that could...lead to establishing the difference.’ he replied, making her mouth go dry.There would be sparring, but her combat training would come very much in second place. ‘The question is, will you be a match for me?’

With a purely carnal smile on her lips, Lea leaned in, lips brushing against his cheek ever so slightly, letting her breath lightly drift across his ear. ‘Why, Commander Rutherford, this is one game I play to perfection. I think you’ll find the only question is whether you can keep up,’ she whispered.

She leaned back in her chair, sucking another drop of drink from her finger slowly.

_My whole body is an inferno right now. This man is just so fucking gorgeous. I am the luckiest fucking girl in the world._

‘I think I can accept your terms, Herald,’ he replied distractedly, still staring at her finger as she twirled her tongue slowly round the tip. ‘Dawn, tomorrow. By the old apothecary hut. We should have some……privacy there.’

Saying nothing, Lea nodded her head. If she spoke she would explode.

Cullen looked at her again, making no attempt to hide how much he wanted her as he ran a hand through his hair. Which she just wanted to sink her fingers into whilst he licked her, clean, feeling how soaking wet he had made her, till she screamed his name repeatedly in one of the best orgasms ever.

‘You witch,’ he said hoarsely, warm-toffee-whiskey voice burning right through her body, ‘you’ll have to give me a few minutes before I can walk you back to your lodge.’

‘Oh I’m sorry Cullen, were you distracted by something?’ she asked innocently, letting her fingers trail across the glass, stroking it up and down softly.

A growl of pure sexual desire mixed with frustration was her answer.

Lea’s thoughts were almost incoherent. From the first time she saw him on those battlements, she wanted him and she knew he wanted her too. That this would happen was inevitable. What she couldn’t wait to explore was how far he would go over the coming weeks.

‘Are you ready to leave, Leaena?’ Cullen asked, making a heroic attempt to sound normal.

‘Of course,’ she replied, swallowing slightly to steady herself.

Cullen had to support her as her knees had conveniently decided to turn to water. She didn’t miss the pure male look of satisfaction he had knowing that he was the cause. His touch seared through her, making it impossible not to lean in….

_...I just need to feel you, just for a bit…._

Lea made the mistake of resting against the length of him, just for a second. Felt the heat of his body, his sheer strength and raw power, and the most impressive erection she’d ever felt on a man. Looking at his face, she saw the battle he was having not to take her there and then.

Lea had to move away before they embarrassed themselves in front of the tavern’s remaining clientele.

They somehow made it out of there.

Walking the short distance to her lodge didn’t take long. Now she was out in the fresh air….nope, she was still on fire. She looked across to Cullen who was looking at her, his eyes still raging with desire. All for her.

And still the gentleman, even after that unbelievably erotic conversation in the tavern. Under other circumstances, she’d expect to be fucked senseless now, but there was some sort of unspoken agreement between the two of them that it wouldn’t happen for a while. But it would happen at some point, of that Lea was certain. And she couldn’t wait to have this man in every way her imagination was showing her.

He walked her to her door, turning her to face him.

_Mmmmm so nice and tall and big…._

His eyes ran all over her face for a second, before he leaned down to press a soft kiss on her cheek. The gentle touch belied his words as he whispered, ‘Dawn, tomorrow. And we’ll see how well you can keep up with me.’ 

Leaving Lea actually trembling with want, Cullen turned and walked nonchalantly back to his tent. Her eyes followed him, unable to tear herself away, until he turned the corner. 


	23. Release

It took every ounce of willpower Cullen had to walk away. He felt her magic extremely reluctantly let him go as he came closer to his tent. He could still sense it faintly, wrapping around the lyrium in his blood even at this distance, refusing to be completely apart from him.

He loved that his abilities and her very essence of being were so closely intertwined. He had not experienced this this level of intimacy before and it added an extra layer of frisson to the dance he and the Herald had now started.

_Maker’s Breath, the sight of her leaning against the doorway, that perfect body trembling with desire just for him, her eyes the deepest blue he’d ever seen, luminous with lust and need…._

With a groan Cullen made it inside his tent, made sure it was secure and quickly stripped off his armour. He was so fucking hard he needed to loosen his breeches to make himself more comfortable and sent a quick prayer of thanks for not having to share a tent with anyone.

Throwing himself into his bed, he lay there, unable to sleep, still hard, replaying the day over in his head.

_Maker take it, has there ever been a more lethal combination of beauty, intelligence and raw sex appeal in a woman than Leaena Trevelyan?_

It had all begun with the Chancellor’s ridiculous posturing outside the Chantry earlier that day. He had sensed Leaena from a surprising distance away, probably just as she came into Haven’s main gate. He felt her get closer quickly as the group ran towards the Chantry, and his satisfaction as her magic was properly able to reach him, hitting him in a sudden forceful rush when she got close enough.

Leaena had looked magnificent as she had casually made her way forward to decimate the Chancellor, her new robes clinging to her figure as she moved. The weak winter sun had caught her hair, making it blaze in the daylight. He was hard pushed to remember when he’d seen a mage hold such power. It was coursing through her so rapidly that he could barely see her identifying blue aura. Her eyes were cold and the palest blue, hard as nails as she judged the Chancellor and found him lacking in every way.

And Maker, when the Chancellor had made that poorly-veiled threat against Leaena, something so primal and instinctive roared into life inside him, to protect her, make sure no harm could ever come to her. The battle mist had descended and the Chancellor’s life could so easily have been forfeit - Cullen had wanted to rip out his throat.

It wasn’t like him to flip so quickly. Damn it all, he’d completely revealed how strongly he felt about Leaena in that one moment. He caught Leliana’s eyes glowing in approval at him after his words to the Chancellor. That meant Josephine, and then the whole Inquisition leadership would know about it. Both women made a living out of gossiping after all.

But he couldn’t regret it. And maybe it was a good thing to be out in the open about Leaena. It would stop others pestering him if nothing else.  

He had hung back while everyone else congratulated her on her impassioned speech, felt her magic still riding high with rage and emotion of seeing him. Cullen had just wanted to look at her, luxuriating at the sight of her after two weeks apart. She stumbled over questions to do with the Fade which Solas saved for her, and he knew she’d been distracted by looking at him. Seeing him watching her, wanting her.

As for tonight……

He couldn’t help it. He undid his breeches and eased out his hard cock. Shit, he’d been that way for most of the night, from the moment he’d caught her as she stumbled outside of his tent.

_She has the best tits I’ve ever seen. And that’s even though I’ve only seen them covered up._

Slowly, he stroked himself, thinking of Leaena and her smile, her face, her fucking amazing ass, her breasts that were just made to fit his hands, those lips that one day soon he would claim with his.

He remembered how damned good she looked in the tavern that night. Her laugh making him absurdly pleased he'd been the one to coax it out of her, her body again! He saw how supple she was as she stretched, imagined her being on top, slowly easing her tight, wet core onto his cock, those tits bouncing up and down as she bent to let him suck her nipples, breathe in the scent of her…

_OK so I’m obsessed with her boobs. And maybe her ass. Just a little._

The minx, teasing him with her fingers like that! He remembered the wave of heat that rushed straight to his cock when he actually felt what her lips were like as he stroked them, felt her lose control a little as she lapped at the tip of his finger, sucking it slowly. He felt a surge of pure male pride at knowing he'd gotten her to slip. 

He’d come close to losing it then as well. The hot wet warmth of her mouth on his finger bought him to the brink of grabbing her and securing her on his lap to feel his hard length, his tongue sliding inside her mouth to explore her further.

Maker, those lips of hers, the dusky pink that got darker as she got more turned on.  

_I bet her nipples are the same colour._

At the thought of taking one of her pert nipples in his mouth, feeling it turn into a pebble that made her beg for more, Cullen felt a spike of want for this incredible woman, making him even harder.

He needed to feel more. He reached under his bed, found a jar of elfroot lotion he'd ordered especially from Val Royaeux for sexual encounters and poured it liberally onto his cock, shuddering slightly as he enjoyed the feel of its chill as it ran down his balls.

He then stroked himself slowly again with the aid of added moisture around his hand, luxuriating in the thought of Leaena. He’d always stopped himself before, although she was almost permanently on his mind.

Until tonight.

Something inside of him had snapped when they were in the tavern. He'd already been running high on emotional overload as it was after the morning's events.

They were fighting a battle against a powerful enemy unlike any seen before. They could all be dead tomorrow. Why was he denying himself the opportunity to be with, quite possibly, the most stunning woman in Thedas?

Cullen realised in that moment he had spent his whole life trying to adhere to a rule book to which he was no longer bound, to an Order that had so profoundly failed in its purpose. He was done with his old life - he had left for a reason.

He wanted to live life in the moment, taking pleasure where the Maker provided it. 

_And my particular pleasure is making Lady Leaena Trevelyan wet, ready and begging for more._

He let out a low groan at the thought.

Cullen had already known she was interested in him, had wanted him, from the first moment they met. As had he. So it was a simple step for him to move it to the next level. Although he hadn’t anticipated how downright fucking sexual it would be so fast. But he had no complaints.

_And, Maker forgive me, she’s a mage._

Cullen had always had a thing for mages. He wasn’t supposed to. And that made it all the more desirable.

_Illicit, even. Taboo. Because some rules were begging to be broken._

That conflict had been within him his entire adult life, finding himself attracted to that which was banned. Not to mention the significant amount of sexual spice it added when he did sleep with a mage. 

His breath caught as he started to pump his throbbing, thick cock slightly harder, stroking the tip with his thumb and looking down, seeing the pre-come, imagining Leaena licking it off; that dainty tongue flicking all the way down to his balls.

Cullen had always loved to see female mages fighting; it was such a massive turn for him to see beautiful women in a battle, their energies fully engaged. Seeing the lust in their eyes after they’d won, full of battle fever and needing to find release, he had sometimes been all too happy to assist them.

He especially had a thing for powerful mages, always looking for a partner that could match up to his strength. A couple had come close, but he’d never met anyone like Leaena.

_She is perfection._

He had been fantasising about her and how she would look, eyes lightened to ice cold blue; knowing that she too would have the fire in her eyes after a good fight, needing his thick hard cock pumping in and out of her.

Tomorrow would give him an excellent head-start on that particular little game he wanted to play with her.

_I can’t wait for Leaena to find out just how far from a good Chantry boy I actually am._

His hand moved faster and faster now, sliding more rapidly up and down, enjoying the sensation of his fist wrapped hard round his cock, thinking of those eyes, those lips, her skin flushed, head rolling back as she came close to the brink.....

_Our games will be mind-blowing. And we’re only just beginning. Maker, if this is the start then I’m going to be close to shooting my come instantaneously when I can finally have her._

He imagined her riding him harder, feeling the tight, hot wetness of her clenching him inside, holding him in. He wanted to fuck her so badly. Take her mouth hard, making her gag a little as she took him all in, feel the back of her throat with the tip of his cock…..

There was just the quiet sound of skin meeting skin, Cullen holding his cock tightly, allowing his fingers to rub over the head to add to the friction he badly needed as his hand slid faster and faster up and down its length.

_Fuck, she’s playing with herself right now……fuck fuck fuck fuck....._

He knew she was going to have to make herself come after tonight, just like he was having to. He sensed that minute change in her magic as it sensuously entwined with his senses, knowing what she was doing, wondering how she was thinking of fucking him as she brought herself closer to the brink.  

_Maker's Breath, it's never been this way before - she's been aware of me this whole time._

The knowledge that - right now - she knew he had his hand wrapped round his cock and, as a result, started to pleasure herself was sending him over the edge. He could see in his head Leaena fingering herself hard whilst rubbing her clit to orgasm, his name on her lips, just as he was pumping himself as fast and hard as possible while softly moaning her name to himself - desperate now for that immediate release.

Cullen’s whole being was full of images of Leaena fully naked, her hair tumbling down dishevelled down her back and over her shoulders, her eyes dark with desire, the smell of her driving him wild. Her legs were spread wide on a chair, one leg draped over the side, giving him the perfect view. She was playing with herself, sliding one, two, three fingers in, licking them clean. Seeing her dripping wet, running a finger over her clit, over her glistening folds, ordering him to stroke his cock.

_She's coming too....oh shit....I want to see...._

With a strangled cry, whispering her name as he closed his eyes in mindless pleasure, feeling the whisper of her magic reach a fever pitch, Cullen came. His cock jerked in spasms along with his body, making him release a long, low moan.

He had never had such a reaction before. And it was all because of her.  

Cullen lay there for a bit, bringing himself back down before quickly cleaning up and trying to get comfortable. There was still the morning, after all and, if tonight was anything to go by, then tomorrow would be explosive.

_I can't wait to see her._

Cullen fell asleep surprisingly quickly given how he was still full to the brim with needing her like nothing he’d ever experienced before. He felt her magic settle into a low humm as she dropped off, feeling himself wind down at last knowing she was safe.

His last thought was of her in the tavern, relaxed and happy, blue eyes alight just for him as he made her smile, her laughter warming him to his very core.

For the first time in a long time, no nightmares plagued his sleep.


	24. In Preparation

Lea stretched, yawned and relaxed back in bed as she woke, letting the events of yesterday filtered through her mind. A slow smile spread across her lips at the thought of last night.

_Holy Andraste, our Commander moves fast when he wants something!_

Not that she minded. Much to her delight, he wanted her.

She could still feel between her legs how explosive the evening had been – she was still wet and still very much wanting him.

It had been the most sensual experience she'd ever had. Leaena had been left almost begging for him to stay. It had taken all her strength to not go after him, to prolong the exquisite torture of this game they had started.

_The best things come to those who wait, Lea. And Cullen is well worth waiting for._

No, she was in no hurry to rush this.

Lea had gone into her lodge, throwing off her armour and boots in a frenzy to get herself naked and finish what they had started in the tavern. She could still faintly feel the song of his lyrium, sparking and vital as it remained connected with her magic.

Lying down in bed, she'd gently teased her clit with two fingers, enjoying the spread of the tingling warmth across her whole body. She was in a bit of amazement at just how wet Cullen had made her without actually having to do very much at all.

She was thinking of his mouth, his finger in her mouth, his eyes, his face, his super hard body, and Maker, she wanted that cock in her, particularly now she had a tantalising feel of it pressing against her hip.

_That was the most sexually charged conversation I have ever had. Ever._

Just as she slid one finger inside of herself, intent on reaching some form of relief that evening, she suddenly felt a shift in his senses. Something warmer, faster, excited, pulling her magic closer, needing her…..

 _He’s making himself come!_ she’d thought to herself incredulously, disbelieving, before feeling the impact of his heat radiating through his blood, mingling with her.

Lea’s whole body ignited at the thought of Cullen with that thick cock of his in his large hand, eyes closed, body clenched tight, lips slightly apart as he moaned her name, stroking himself hard and fast.  

It had led to the most incredible orgasm. To sense him, knowing he was on the verge of losing control, thinking of her, thinking what he wanted to do to her. She had never experienced anything as mindblowing when she felt him shoot his come hard out of his body, sending her into oblivion at the same time.

Lea had lain there shaking, soaking wet between her legs, fingers still on her clit, still needing him. Still reeling from that unbelievably intimate experience – for fuck's sake, she had felt him come! - and the man hadn’t even been in the same bloody building!

As Lea lay there in a stupor, breathing slowing, she sensed him relax as she fell asleep, feeling the essence of him reaching out, protective, safe…..

And now it was morning, albeit early. Lea didn’t mind; she enjoyed being up before dawn, that quiet time of day before everything stirred. And, knowing what she did now, she was beyond impatient to start the day. Expectation buzzed through her.

Tentatively reaching out with her magic, she felt Cullen’s senses, faint but there. And still sleeping.

_He must look adorable asleep._

She smiled to herself. It was time to get ready.

Singing a little tune to herself, she practically skipped over to a large trunk that had arrived from Ostwick yesterday. Eagerly opening the lid, Lea was thrilled to see her sister had done exactly as she’d hoped.

 _And just in time for this morning. After all, a girl needs to look her best to tempt this particular Templar beyond reason._ _  
_

‘Caya you are my favourite person right now,’ Lea murmured happily as she unfolded a selection of beautiful clothes; robes, shoes, boots and coats exactly to Lea’s tastes, as well as a selection of jewellery, clasps and bands for her hair, make-up, scents, lotions and oils. There was also – thank the Maker! – some fine Orlesian corsetry and underwear, and she fully anticipated putting that to very good use this morning.

‘What the….’ She said in surprise, picking up a pregnancy prevention potion, elfroot lotion and a sandalwood and cedar oil. A note with the Trevelyan seal fell to the floor which she quickly picked up and broke open.

_Dearest Lea,_

_The Herald of Andraste? An Inquisition? What have you been doing! Never mind, no time to write a long letter and I am sure you know what you are about. Cadan should be with you soon by the time you read this. We’ve got everything out there trying to find Trystan. He isn’t dead – his name as you know wasn’t on the roll of the dead from the Conclave disaster. And I think we would all know anyway. Have faith in the Maker, Lea - we will find him._

_Everything here is in chaos with the fall of the Circle. Imirnic is doing his best with our remaining Templars and mages. He’s intrigued to hear of the Inquisition’s work, as are we all. There may be some assistance we can provide in terms of numbers, although he would himself stay here. Alistair and Derrik may have some call on his time soon, and I can’t really bear for him to be gone for so long!_

_This is everything I could think of that you may need. You’ll notice I put a little something extra in the pack, just so you are prepared if the need arises……and that no woman should be without. For the love of Andraste do not tell any of the boys I included this for you!_

_Knight-Commander Rutherford heads the Inquisition forces does he not? I hear he has quite the reputation, both on and off the battlefield. Another blonde Ferelden giant, just like Alistair and Iminric. What do they put in the water over there?_

_Good luck lovely one, we all miss you. Father and the children especially. Keep us abreast of developments._

_Your loving sister,_

_Caya_

_Ps – our tedious relatives to the north of the Marches are causing some nuisance or other now you are this Herald person. I have written to Sister Leliana about it in more detail as she may want to nip their nonsense in the bud._

‘Caya!’ she laughed as she read the letter. Cadan was her twin and knew her inside out, but there were certain things only a sister could understand.

And Maker take it, did she have a sixth sense about her and Cullen? Still, she mused, Caya did know her preferences and there was no doubt that the Commander fit every single one perfectly.

Resolutely refusing to be distracted by the pots and ways she wanted to use them on Cullen, she turned instead back to the box. With some reverence, she reached the bottom, pulling out a bundle wrapped in silk to protect it. Slowly opening it out, she gave a sigh of delight as she held up her new armour.

_Caya must have paid someone a fortune to have this made so quickly!_

Lea had never understood the habit for mages to put on cumbersome robes and then go out to do battle with bandits or worse, getting caught up in skirts and all sorts of other ridiculousness. A robe was for wearing after a bath, not trying to get the better of a pride demon.

She had always chosen leather armour, enabling her freedom of movement – and the ability to run away which was sometimes just as important.

Hers had all been destroyed at the Conclave and, although the Orlesian stuff hanging on the back of her door was perfect for travel, it wasn’t what she liked to fight in. She’d trained for years with Cadan and had developed a preference for the lightweight armour of a rogue.

Now this…this was perfect and just what she had in mind, a wicked grin curling over her lips.

Lea shook out her new matte black leather armour in awe. The trousers and coat flowed seamlessly together, fitting her figure like a second skin, doing right up to her neck if she so wanted. It came complete with matching boots with a solid heel to mid-calf, gloves, belt and staff straps. Frost and sprit runes sparked as they connected with her magic, covering the arms and in a single line down her back again in an intricate series of patterns.

Two beautiful daggers with onyx handles, crafted from dragonsteel, were resting on the very bottom with speed and frost runes glowing on the handles and up the blades themselves. Designed to slip into the tops of her boots and stay hidden, she weighed them in her hands, enjoying the feel of how they balanced perfectly.

Lea was entranced. It was just exactly what she needed for this morning.

_It matches my new staff too! Ooooh…._

She went to check the pile of cloaks Caya had sent and found a thick velvet floor-length black cape lined with black fennec fur on the inside.

_Caya has outdone herself. She must just know._

Lea didn’t need much in the way of protection against cold, but against wind and cold she was vulnerable. Not to mention that this cloak finished the look she needed perfectly. And this cloak could help her with both both.

Quickly hanging up the armour and looking outside to gauge the time, she turned to get ready for the morning’s fun with the Commander. She had around an hour left.

Lea didn’t like to use much magic in camp given there were too many nervous Templars around without the same discipline or outlook as the Commander, but today she wanted to be at her very best. Fortunately, the iron bathtub still stood in the corner so she quickly conjured some ice and melted it straight away, giving her a chance to wash herself.

Throwing in her favourite orange bath oil, Lea climbed in and relaxed back. She was so excited to see Cullen – who yes, was still sleeping her magic told her – and not just in a sexual way. Lea was intrigued by the man himself.

But the getting to know him would come with time. Lea knew she could spend her life exploring who he was and never be bored, always wanting more.

This morning was about pure, unadultarated lust. She was very much aroused at the thought of having him put her through her paces.

With a sensual smile on her lips as she sank deeper into her bath, Lea considered his words last night. That he’d immediately suggested sparring had her mind in overdrive as to why. The only thing she could think of was the proximity they would be in with each other, so close to touch but not touching at all. Temptation right before them.

_Not to mention how much a good fight can then lead to good sex.....Maker, that’s it!_

Lea knew how many men and women after a battle were desperate for release. Mages in particular were affected, given they had the added power of their magic contributing to the pure rush of adrenaline. Oh, she knew all too well– she was a battlemage after all.

She remembered thinking how Cullen must have slept with mages before, betting her last coin that he got off on the sheer thrill of flouting that particular Chantry law. How often had he fought alongside those women, many of them beautiful, many of them feeling the same needs she did afterwards?

_Commander, how often did you fuck them senseless after you were both done after a fight?_

_Holy Andraste, they must have been queuing round the block in the hope of going on patrol with you!_

Lea didn’t think for one moment that he slept with just anybody, suspecting he was highly selective and mindful of his position. Not many Templars were that thoughtful, with most choosing to abuse their position. But Cullen was different.

Besides, he hadn’t taken advantage of anyone. She’d been there – mages vying for favour in order to draw patrol with the Templar of their choice. Everyone knew what happened once they went out. She’d even done it herself once. It was all part and parcel of Circle life.

Lea gave a pure shiver of lust as she felt heat between her legs again. This game was getting very interesting indeed. The difference between deserving and want. That conundrum Cullen still struggled with. Duty versus desire, lust versus obedience.

Maker, she was going to enjoy herself helping him figure it out.  There was no doubt in her mind which way it would go.

Finishing washing her hair and body and having scrubbed her teeth, she jumped out the bath quickly and used a warming spell to get herself dry, waving a hand absently to evaporate the water in the tub.

_Getting ready to spar with a handsome man who has a naughty streak the size of the Waking Sea - could my day start any better?_

Standing naked, she stood at the dressing table, looking at what Caya had sent her. This next step in this game was crucial and every last detail had to be looked to. She grabbed a bottle of her favourite orange-blossom lotion, rubbing it in all over her body. Bless Caya, she’d even included the matching scent – that went on next.

Lea opted for simple make-up, with a touch of black kohl lightly round her eyes and on her lashes, followed by her favourite light blue eyeshadow. She didn’t need rogue; just the anticipation alone had her cheeks flushed.

‘Hair, hair hair,’ she muttered, thinking. ‘Up, down, up, down, up, down?’

If she was going to gain the advantage in this particular skirmish with the Commander she would need everything she had at her disposal. And in the art of using her body as a weapon, her looks to get exactly what she wanted, Lea was a master.

_I want him. Badly._

She opted to put it up. Ish. Grabbing a black band to secure it in a ponytail at the top of her head, she then put it in a thick plait that hung down over her shoulder, finishing the end off with a second black band.

Fixing two sets of diamond studs in her ears – she’d had two holes each much to her mother’s horror when she was sixteen – Lea put those in.

_Now, Orlais, what do you have for me?_

Lea had to remind herself to buy Caya a huge present. There was exactly what she needed yet again. A black silk corset that would sit perfectly underneath her armour, and a black silk thong to match.

Just putting this on, she imagined Cullen peeling off her armour, running his hands over her body, feeling her breasts as they spilled out of the top, running his hands over her ass, slowly edging the wisp of material down….

_Focus!_

Lea turned to the perfect armour set that Caya had conjured from nowhere. Relishing the feel of it slipping on like silk, it clung to her like a second skin. She quickly buttoned up her jacket to the top of her neck, sliding the boots on and finishing with the belt and gloves before turning to look at herself in the mirror.

_Shit, I can’t wait to see his face, desiring me, wanting me....._

Looking back at her was a blonde goddess who wouldn’t be out of place in an underground chamber of certain exclusive establishments in Denerim or Val Royaeux. It was exactly the effect she had hoped for.

Lea knew she was beautiful. She knew how to dress to get the attention she wanted and regularly flaunted her sexuality for her own personal benefit. For the first time, however, she felt almost shy about how someone might react to her; normally she didn’t care.

_But what Cullen thinks? Maker, that matters to me._

_Templar, mage, danger, sinful, wicked, irresistible temptation……_

Feeling her excitement rising to fever pitch, Lea pulled the cloak on and strapped her staff to her back. The overall effect was impressive, even for her, as she gave herself one final check in the mirror.  

She opened the door and smiled sweetly at the guard outside who had materialised from nowhere after Cullen left her last night. Mindful of Cullen's request that she had an escort at all times, she asked the young man if he would mind walking her to the open space just by the old apothecary hut.

_Well if this look works on him, I can’t wait to see how Commander Rutherford reacts._

The poor boy had gone red, white then pink and stammered something at her. Lea presumed it was a yes and, gesturing for him to follow, made her way out of Haven. As she walked past Cullen’s tent she felt him waking up, the lyrium in his veins calling to her magic which sang back in response.

_Fuck, he’s so Maker-dammed good-looking, strong, powerful…._

She smiled in pure anticipation, heat pooling in her belly as she reached their agreed spot. Selecting a withered tree as her target, she began her breathing exercises, sending a quick prayer to the Maker for blessing her frivolous soul with exactly the outfit she needed.

Waving the guard away to a distant spot so she could begin her warm-up safely, Lea quickly lost herself to the sensation of him flowing like quicksilver through her blood as her magic pulled him closer, instinctively letting her body flow to the age-old rhythm being woven inside her.

Lifting her staff, she started to cast, her magic spinning through her body at a fever pitch, singing ever louder in her mind.

_You make me feel alive. I want you....I need you…..come to me......_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note on her armour to give you a bit more of a visual - I was very much channeling a cross between Lucy Liu and Drew Barrymore in Charlie's Angels!


	25. Practice

Cullen was lying in bed, alternating between sleeping and waking, enjoying the novel sensation of having had a full night’s rest. He sleepily searched for Leaena without thinking, needing to have that part of her wrapped tight inside him again.

Her magic was there alright, almost outside his tent, snaking quickly towards him before moving off.

_Maker’s Breath, what is the time?_

Wide awake now, Cullen jumped out of bed. Pulling on a shirt, and raking his hair into some kind of order, he snuck a look out of his tent to see the horizon just beginning to turn a dark purple.

 _Shit_!

He didn’t have long. This was one appointment he definitely did not want to be late for. Calling for a page to bring a bowl of water, he quickly deliberated on what armour to wear. He couldn’t wait to see her again. Especially after last night. Maker, he had never experienced anything so intense, feeling her magic peak as she came hard just after he did. He’d never had anything so intimately sexual happen to him in his life.

It was all Cullen could do to not run after Leaena right now just to look at her face, wonder if she had been as moved as he had.

As he pulled on his breeches and shrugged on his overcoat, he felt his adrenaline rise at the prospect of seeing what Leaena was made of. He didn’t doubt her prowess - Cassandra had reported how effective Leaena was as a fighter and her reputation preceded her.

He was impatient to see how she reacted to him, the flames of combat in eyes burning blue with her magic. Even more, he wanted to be up close to her, to smell her scent as he pressed his advantage home, making her concede.

If she was half the fighter he suspected, by the end of this session she would be on fire with need. For him. Begging him for more. Which was exactly how she wanted it.

_Leaena thrives on being chased. And she wants to be caught by a man who is her equal in strength, if not more. But she’s not going to make it easy for me, nor would I want her to._

For the umpteenth time since that evening by the lake, he felt privileged to have earned her trust in such a short space of time, and had no intention of ever breaking it.

Leaena was as fascinated by being with a Templar as he was with a mage, attracted just like he was by the illicitness of it all. Like him, torn by the conflict, powerless to resist its lure. She had held herself back in the past, he was almost certain, perhaps tried with the wrong man and then not allowed herself to cross the line into that fantasy. She didn’t trust easily.

He only needed to look at the unconcealed longing in her eyes as he left her on the doorstep to know that she’d selected him as the one she was going to indulge herself with.

Cullen was more than happy to oblige her. All in good time. She was a woman worth waiting for, fighting for.

Fuck, he couldn’t think of anything without getting hard at the moment.

Cullen focused instead on how good it would be to hear her low, musical voice with that sultry posh accent, just hinting at her Marcher background, as they continued to play their increasingly carnal guessing game. It came complete with swords, knives and staffs. Andraste had been very good to him these last few days.

_How much do I want this woman?_

_That was, without a shadow of a doubt, the dumbest question you have ever asked in your life._

As Cullen gave himself a quick morning wash, he felt her magic again, rising, flowing as she started to cast. He felt its call, felt the need within her to see him, felt his lyrium rise in his veins again in response, clamouring to see her face to face.

_Will she have that Orlesian armour on, draped to full advantage across all her luscious curves? Those thigh high boots that I will one day make her wear for me, with nothing else on?_

A few minutes later, he was ready, throwing his cloak round his shoulders, making sure his dagger was in his boot. Grabbing his sword and shield from the rack, he left his tent. No practice weapons for them today; Leaena would probably be offended if he offered. He called to the duty lieutenant he’d be away for an hour or so and broke into a jog to warm up a little.

Leaena had been trained by Templars and by Cadan in close combat skills, probably daggers, knowing him. With that additional knowledge, she’d be more agile, able to escape quickly. He wondered what her weaknesses were. She seemed to have very few asides from not being as physically strong as him, or as tall. 

Coming up to a rise, Cullen saw the night guard he’d assigned to her staring at Leanea in the gully below in abject adoration. He had to laugh. She had that effect on people, him included. As he reached the top, he was grateful she’d thought to ask a guard along, even though it probably wasn’t necessary.

Leanea knew he was there, her magic singing out to him, reaching out, twining around him. She carried on with her warm-ups, being mid-sequence of a particularly intricate set, combining three different elements of magic that Cullen recognised immediately. Few mages could pull it off and here she was doing them with ease.

Cullen felt his adrenaline at an all-time high, anticipation building alongside it.

Waving the guard back to his duties and watching him leave, he turned around, giving himself the luxury of watching her for a minute.

_Holy fucking Maker’s fucking balls._

His mouth went dry, his vision reduced to her and nothing else.

That was not Orlesian armour she had on.

Leaena was, neck to feet, clad in black leather. But not just any old black leather. Her armour outlined every single curve, every plane of a body designed for pure pleasure. Runes glittered in the early morning dawn, enticing his eyes to flow over her flawless figure.

She was every inch the powerful, dominating battlemage.

And Maker, she knew exactly what she was doing to him, had created this scenario to test his willpower.

Cullen couldn't wait to indulge her.

With a huge effort, he controlled himself, instead standing back, arms folded, taking his time to examine every inch of her sensual form.

_She is perfection._

Those long legs that he wanted wrapped around him as she rode him to oblivion were just the beginning.

The ass he’d fantasised about at great length was tight against the leather as she moved, perfectly round, just begging for him to slip his hands on it and grind her very firmly on his now extremely hard cock.

Her hips were moving rhythmically in concert with her casting, an open invitation for him to bend her over and grab them as he thrust into her mindlessly again and again.

And fuck, her tits, straining against the leather; he could just feel their softness in his hands, slowly teasing one nipple and then the other.

The sight of her slender neck, purest creamy white against the harsh black of her armour, her hair scraped back leaving the length of it exposed, was nearly Cullen’s undoing.

He wanted to place his hands on that slender column, let her feel the strength and heat of him, trust him, as he kissed her senseless. After that he’d release her, running kisses from her collarbone to her ear, taking her earlobe in between his lips and sucking gently, whispering to her what he would do next.

Cullen couldn’t take his eyes of her. As lithe as a dancer, Leaena was flying through her last sequence utilising all four elements now, staff whipping above her head then flipping it out towards her target. She cast spell after spell without tiring once. Ice, fire, electricity and spirit, all flowed seamlessly one after the other from her power. Her whole body and mind were completely absorbed in the intricate pattern, energy spinning round her, her spells creating a riot of colour. 

Sensing her love for her magic, exulting in the feel of him there to watch over and protect her, finally finished him off.

Pure need that he’d held back these last few minutes swept through Cullen’s body as he took his time walking down towards Leaena. He reached for her magic as he felt it rise hungrily towards him in the now-familiar pattern as she set her staff down. He embraced it immediately, hard, fast, letting her feel what she’d done to him without needing to use words.

Leaena looked at him fully for the first time and he almost stumbled under the force of seeing her, the memory of how she felt as she came apart fresh in his mind. Her glorious eyes were still full of icy fire, her awareness of him even more heightened as she held her magic within her.

_She’s done this for you, to heighten the enjoyment both of us are getting out of slowly discovering each other. Letting us take our time._

_Maker take it, beautiful is too bland a word to describe this incredible creature._

Her magic had found its usual place with his senses, reflecting back the same burning need for him that he had for her.

Cullen stopped right in front of her, fighting to keep his hands to his side, his expression impassive. She continued to look at him, eyes hungry and big in her pale face, a slow flush creeping down her neck, lips almost red with desire.

_She’s never done this for anyone before. Somehow she's sussed out one of my fantasies, wanting to make it come true. For me._

_And…Maker’s Breath! she’s nervous, worried I won’t like it!_

_How am I so deserving for Andraste to bless me so much, by sending this woman to me?_

Cullen smiled slowly at her, letting her finally see in his face and eyes exactly how he felt, what he wanted to do to her, what she did to him, what she meant to him. He felt his body respond as he saw her eyes go wide and drop to a dark blue with undisguised lust, and something that he’d seen before deep within their depths that nearly made his heart stop.

He couldn’t tell where his lyrium left off and her magic began, they were so in concert with each other.

Leaena’s smile became sensual. She flicked her hair back over her shoulder, clearly delighted by his appreciation of her. Her gaze raked him, lingering on his all too obvious erection. He nearly lost it when he saw her involuntarily lick her lips slowly and part her mouth slightly, making it all too clear that she wanted to do nothing else but take his throbbing cock in her mouth.

Cullen’s gaze became predatory as he returned the favour, looked her up and down from head to foot, lingering on her breasts, before returning to her face.

_Yes, yes, I am obsessed. So would any red-blooded male be. They are fucking perfect, just like the rest of her._

‘Nice outfit, my lady,’ he said softly, almost a growl.

He was almost shaking whilst trying to control the irresistible urge to reach out and pull her towards him. He felt a roar within him as he saw her quiver slightly, knew she was as wet as he was hard.

‘Why thank you, Commander,’ she replied, her voice heavy with desire, eyes never leaving his. ‘I find it can have its uses on occasion.’

‘I can imagine,’ he said, leaving her in no doubt as to exactly what he was imagining. ‘Are you planning on paralysing your opponents with this armour alone?’

Cullen didn’t know how anybody could actually fight this woman wearing that. They’d all be standing slack-jawed just like the poor Corporal was just now.

‘There's one in particular I'm hoping to ...experiment with,’ she murmured, smiling slowly, clearly enjoying the impact she was having on him.

He moved closer to her till their bodies were practically touching, leaned down to her ear. ‘Shall we put your theory to the test?’ he whispered. He relished the smell radiating from her, orange and floral and something uniquely Leaena that had his senses reeling.

Leaena’s eyes went almost black as she caught his whole meaning. Catching her bottom lip in her teeth, she considered for a moment how to respond. She was as close to losing control as he was.

_Battlemage versus Templar. Maker take it, she’s the most powerful mage I’ve ever met. This is going to exceed any expectations I ever had and this is just the start of it._

‘I see no reason to delay, Commander,’ her voice low, wanton.

She gestured to the open space before them.

‘Ground rules?’ she said in a more normal voice, making an attempt to rein herself in as she started to mentally prepare herself for the upcoming session.

‘Yes,’ he replied, trying his best to suppress his erection as he walked around the clearing a bit. ‘The boundary area is this space here. Stop means exactly that – stop. We are using our own weapons,’ he’d clocked the two daggers she was carrying in her boots in addition to her staff, ‘and disarming is allowed, as are a few bruises. But, I recommend for now, until we are more familiar with sparring against one another that you cast no magic and I will not use my Templar abilities.’

Cullen turned and looked at her again, heard her agreement, saw her assess the area, looking for uneven ground and other trip hazards.

‘All that said, I do expect this to be a tough session, my lady. You are highly experienced. I am looking forward to seeing how hard you work me,’ he said, his voice rough with wanting her again.

‘I can’t wait to see if you can get me, Commander,’ she replied huskily, eyes brilliant blue. ‘Just so you know now, I will hold my magic as it helps….provide the desired effect. You have my word that I won’t use it.’

_Fuck, she knows, oh Maker, this wonderful woman. I am blessed._

Giving himself a moment to compose himself, he gestured to the centre of the field where they both moved, not removing their eyes from one another.

Drawing his sword, he gave Leaena a nod which she returned.

He opened gently with a classic set of sword cuts that recruits were taught, just to gauge the strength of her response. Her staff easily cracked his sword away and, with an almost contemptuous flick of her hand, she whacked one end right at a crucial pressure point in his shield, making his arm buckle slightly.

‘Impatient are we, Leaena?’

Cullen grinned at her, getting the hint and launching straight into a far more complex series of strokes, making her dance away.

Leaena smiled back at him, letting her enjoyment of being with him show, right before he had to retreat, blocking her with his shield as she launched into her own attack, her staff and hands blurring in front of him with their speed.

‘You aren’t dealing with a novice here, Cullen.’

Maker, no he wasn’t. She was all woman.

They were quiet for a while as both were concentrating on outdoing the other. She was as he thought, an expert in her weapon of choice and outdoing him on agility, but lacking in that core strength that he had. They were very evenly matched.

Her eyes were on fire, her breath uneven as they carried on.

_Maker, to be able to taste her right now…_

She made him pay for his slight lapse of concentration. The move she’d made at the start she used again, with ten times more force, sending his shield flying as he dropped his arm in sudden agony.

Immediately, he bought his sword up to block her follow through, feeling his arm jar as the strength of her staff smacked down right in the middle of it. He shifted on his feet, putting some distance between them.

‘Enjoy your success while you can, Leaena,’ he teased with a grin.

‘Oh I’m only just beginning Cullen,’ she replied slowly, her eyes now blazing, reverberating with her thrill in their skirmish.

_Just the way I want her. She looks spectacular._

Backwards and forwards they went, until suddenly Cullen saw an opening, a subtle error she made at the end of a set as she lost concentration for a split second. He pounced, sliding his sword up her staff before catching it at its tip and twisting it from her hands.

Not missing a beat, she rolled away from him, drawing her daggers as she rose to her feet to meet him again, shifting their bout to new territory as she went into a crouch. He’d have to fight her in much closer proximity.

His sword clashed against her daggers, sparks flying as she repelled his attacks time and time again, hammering home her own advantage when she could. Cullen could tell this was her secondary choice of weapon but, even so, she was still an expert, holding him at bay, dancing away from his sword before slicing near his sides with a sharp cut.

He could smell her now, the sweat and excitement of battle, her magic coursing through her….

Felt his sword leave his hand, feeling his wrist sting as Leaena twisted it, forcing her daggers up and around, sending sparks flying as steel met steel. She had again made him pay for his lapse.

Quickly he ducked down, drawing his own dagger and moving in even closer to press home an attack she wasn’t expecting so fast after knocking his sword from him. He was able to stun her hand on one slice, making her lose one dagger as she involuntarily opened her grasp. They were on an equal footing weapon-wise now.

Both of them were quiet, focused as the knives flashed with unbelievable speed, bodies a blur of movement. Leaena was so close to him he could practically taste her, the scent of her filling his mind, his senses, hot with desire.

_I need you._

Cullen pushed forward his attack again, seeing just the opening he needed to end this, move things to where they both wanted to be.

They had spun around so much they were almost up against the back of the old apothecary’s building. Leanea hadn’t noticed – her only focus had been him.

_Just the way I like it._

Stumbling suddenly as she hit the bumpy ground, Cullen quickly disarmed her other knife, pushing Leaena hard up against the hut.

He pinned his whole body up against her, one hand on the wall behind her head holding back her arms, the other holding the dagger to her throat, faces nose to nose.

Cullen felt, for the first time, the mindblowing sensation of her pressed up hard against his body, her breasts soft against the solid of his chest, felt her trembling with lust, need, want, desire, her eyes flames of ice cold blue, not hiding how excited she was, how she needed that release that all mages did after fighting.

He saw how she wanted him to be the one to give it to her, make her scream, almost uncontrollable and incoherent in her need as she pressed up against his rock-solid cock, so hard it was almost giving him pain.

‘Do you yield, my lady?’ he ground out, his voice shaking, still holding the dagger to her throat.

Leaena nodded, unable to speak, her breathing coming fast and rapid. She knew the question he had really been asking, and was desperate for more.

Cullen needed nothing further, dropping his dagger, releasing her arms as he pulled off a glove, quickly undoing her buttons so he could work his hand inside her armour.

Almost lost his own control as he realised she was one of those women who followed the - what he’d always considered to be the highly erotic – Tevinter practice of hair removal – everywhere.

His finger found her clit and the heat of her soaking wet folds so fast, watched her eyes ablaze with need, want of him as he began to rub her faster, feeling how wet she was getting and that it would only be minutes till she came.

Leaena let out a low, mindless wail, letting her head fall back slightly but still keeping her eyes on his, not wanting to stop looking at him. She was thrusting against his hand, begging for more, needing more, hands in tight fists by her side.

He moved his hand further down and found her dripping wet entrance. He slid first one, then two fingers into her tight hot folds, sliding his thumb over her clit, hitting that point high inside her that would make her shatter. He began to move faster and harder as Leaena started to buck wildly against him, feeling her muscles contracting around his fingers.

Cullen was having trouble breathing, so intent was he on giving this beautiful woman what she wanted, needed.

The only sounds were of her low moans as she moved closer to the brink and the harshness of his breathing, his fingers moving in and out of her, faster and faster, making that super sensual sound of wet meeting solid.

They were so closely entwined, her magic and his lyrium at a fever pitch, feeling what the other was feeling, eyes fixed on each other, every emotion exposed in the intensity of the moment.

_Make me come....only you, Templar, mage, danger, irresistible….…._

_Come for me. There is only you, only ever will be you. Taboo, illicit, irresistible……._

He felt Leaena’s whole body convulse as she came hard in his hand, her lips parted in a silent scream, her eyes rolling closed. He could feel her juices flowing down his fingers, keeping them moving in her slowly until he was sure her orgasm was past.

Cullen thought he had never seen a better sight in his life than her slumped against a wall, inches from his face, her skin still flushed. When she opened her eyes again they were now a brilliant dark blue, the fire of the fight and the aftermath sated – for now.

Gently, he took his hand out, lifting his fingers to his face. The smell of her was almost enough to have him reaching for his cock – but this was about her right now, not his needs which she’d already met in more ways than one.

It gave him as much pleasure to have Leaena like this, shaking from her orgasm still, lost to herself, all because of what he’d done to her.

Cullen smiled a primeval smile, lifted his hand to her lips and slipped a finger in for her to taste herself. Her eyes widened again, filling with lust, slowly trailing her tongue over his finger as he ran it slowly in and out of her mouth.

He then took his hand away and put the other finger to his lips.

Cullen would never forget the taste of her, the smell of her, wet musky female with a tang of salty sweet, as he licked his fingers clean, his eyes never leaving hers.

He saw her feminine appreciation of him, of what he’d done, everything he was. He felt humbled yet again by the trust radiating from her depths.

_What happened to this amazing woman, to make her mistrust so?_

‘I hope that met your expectations,’ he said in a low voice, suddenly feeling the need to make sure she was alright as he rapidly buttoned her back up and pulled on his glove.

Putting both of his hands up on either side of her head, he decided to continue to enjoy his view seeing as Leaena didn’t want to move anywhere right now.

‘If all your sparring sessions were like that, Commander, you’d never get any work done’ she replied with a quick grin before her gaze softened. ‘That was incredible. I didn’t realise it could be like that, after a battle,’ she said with a hint of wonder.

He reached out to stroke her cheek again, not able to help himself. ‘You are incredible. Too see you like that…’ he broke off. ‘You are stunning Leaena,’ he said simply and was rewarded with a blush and the feel of her gloved hand against his cheek before she reached up to kiss it.

They both leaned against each other for a moment, Cullen resting his forehead against her shoulder, luxuriating in the simple pleasure of how good she felt being held against him.

He sighed and raised his head, lifted himself off her slightly, reluctantly. ‘The real world intrudes. I have to go and meet Leliana soon.’

‘Cullen?’ he looked down at her once more, beautiful, fragile and vulnerable in the wake of that amazingly intimate, intense experience.

‘Thank you,’ she said softly, searching his face for a second. Something had moved her deeply.

He raised her gloved right hand to his lips and kissed it.

‘You are welcome, Leaena,’ he replied gently, before releasing her hand and stepping away.

He gathered her cloak from the ground and placed it round her shoulders, doing up the ties at the front for her, enjoying these last few moments of having her so close, so near.

Quickly they gathered their weapons, Leaena not bothering to strap her staff away but using it to lean on.

That gave Cullen immense satisfaction, to know how affected she was, that she still needed assistance to walk.

Together they slowly strolled back, making an effort to bring the situation back to normal matters. They discussed the day ahead and the final preparations for their respective trips. It was only a week for them both and they both expected to arrive in Haven around the same time.

Cullen watched her as they walked through the village, seeing the heads turn. She knew how to use her beauty but had no idea of the true impact she had. For men it was moth to a flame, and for some women too. Especially when she had that armour on.

Maker, he could get used to seeing her like that every day in it. Those legs, that ass….

They reached his tent all too quickly.

‘See you at the meeting this afternoon?’ he asked.

‘Yes, definitely. I need to see Varric right now about some red lyrium nodes we need to destroy in the southern Hinterlands. But afterwards I’m free.’

‘Would you like to dine with me tonight? I mean,’ he stammered slightly, blushing, ‘the tavern has some good food and it would be nice to spend some time with you before you go.’

‘I would like that, thank you,’ she said, a smile lighting her face that took his breath away.  She gave him a small wave as she walked off.

Cullen stood there, watching her, feeling her magic fade, but still there, still connected.

_Tonight can’t get here fast enough._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to read a truly brilliant fight scene between a mage Inquisitor and Cullen where they properly tear chunks out of each other, I recommend RicketyRogue's work, 'Not Your Lady', chapter 46. http://archiveofourown.org/works/3900694/chapters/9654489


	26. Observing

_Well, shit…._

Varric nearly choked on his lunch as he saw the Herald approach him, wearing some new armour he knew several dominatrixes in Kirkwall would pay a king's ransom for. He loved women, particularly appreciating the beauties like Lea Trevelyan, but this moved her to a whole new category of sensational.

 ‘Hi Frosty,’ he grinned at her as she got closer. ‘Who did you decide to chain in your dungeon today?’

To his surprise, he saw a slight flush rise in her cheeks at his joke about extra-curricular morning activity before she schooled her features to impassivity one more.

_Well well well, Curly doesn’t waste his time. Perhaps there’s hope for him yet._

He’d deliberately not paid attention to them in the tavern last night, letting them have their own space. It seemed to be paying off.

‘Cullen gave me some sparring practice this morning, just with weapons. I fear I’m sadly out of shape as he managed to knock all mine out of my hands in quite a ruthless fashion,’ Lea replied, grimacing as she shook out one of her wrists.

‘What! The Herald of Andraste didn’t even give Curly a bruised knee?’ he replied in mock horror

‘I got him down to his dagger, so that was something I guess,’ she shrugged, seemingly reluctant to discuss it.

‘You managed to divest our Commander of his sword and shield?’ Varric almost gaped. He didn’t even know if Cassandra had managed that feat.

‘Yes and I’m still feeling the shockwaves up my arm now,’ she laughed, tossing her braid back over her shoulder.

 ‘Anyway,’ she continued clearly not wanting to talk more about her morning, ‘I wondered if we could talk about red lyrium?’

‘Oh yes, my favourite subject,’ he said sarcastically then stopped himself. The Herald was not responsible for what he and Bartrand had done. No, that guilt was his, and his alone to bear.

‘Something has been bothering me for some time…since the temple. What makes it so special?’

‘Well, regular lyrium messes you up pretty bad – except you have to ingest it for anything to happen. You know that of course,’ she nodded, a glint of anger coming into her eyes as he carried on.

‘This stuff…you just have to be near it, paranoid delusions, sending you mad. Knight-Commander Stannard is the best example I can give you of how that stuff can fuck you over.’

Lea went quiet, considering. ‘So, you think if we destroy twelve nodes it will help reduce supply?’

‘Yes, and we cut it off from the source so it can’t grow back again. I’ve heard reports on these nodes in the Hinterlands; but Emprise du Lyon seems to be where the concentration is.’

‘Damn,’ Lea sighed. ‘We’re nowhere near ready to head to Emprise yet. I was hoping to make significant inroads before it pollutes anything else.’

 ‘If we make a good start in the Hinterlands I think there may be the opportunity to go to the Storm Coast and have a look. There are some old dwarven mines there where some more of it might have appeared,’ Varric suggested, agreeing with her impatience to clear up the red lyrium sooner rather than later.

‘That’s a good idea,’ she replied thoughtfully. ‘I’ll ask Leliana if she can send some forward scouts in for us. But first,’ she finished, pulling a slight face, ‘Val Royaeux.’

‘You not a fan?’ he asked. He thought a woman like her would live for the kind of politicking that went on there.

‘Maker, no way,’ she said laughing. ‘I am well versed in the Game, but we need to get shit done. I don’t think posturing around waving a handkerchief under my mask is going to help close that hole in the sky.’

‘You and me both, Frosty,’ Varric said, then checked the time. ‘We’d better get a move to this meeting, otherwise Cassandra might come to you to borrow a whip for next time we're late.'

Lea outright laughed at that. ‘Don’t you think she’s already got a whole collection? Holy Andraste, what a thought! – let’s not keep our lady Seeker waiting in that case.’

Varric waved to her, tidying away the remnants of his lunch.

Oh,’ she turned to him with a quick afterthought, ‘can I leave my cloak here? It’s too heavy for me to lumber around the Chantry in.’

‘No problem,’ Varric said, gesturing to her tent. She quickly slipped it off and threw it in before restrapping her staff.

‘I hope you appreciate what a lucky man you are, Curly,’ Varric muttered with a chuckle, watching her saunter off and admiring the view as he followed her to their meeting.

They both made their way quickly to the operations room, seeing everyone else gathered there already.

‘Sorry we’re a bit late,’ Lea apologised as she walked in.

Did he just imagine it or did the room heat up by 100 degrees? 

‘Where did you get that amazing armour!’ Leliana exclaimed. ‘I must know the name of your smith and order some myself!’

‘Truly, Lea, you look lethal,’ Josephine agreed. ‘I find I too am rather jealous of your attire. It becomes your figure very well.’

Ignoring the girly chat as they discussed how it was made, how many yards of blah blah, Varric instead focused on Cullen.

The Commander was giving a very good impression of a stone, so hard was he trying to control his reaction to Lea. He would have succeeded as well, if his eyes were not so busily devouring the Herald as she continued her animated discussion with Josephine and Leliana.

There was something passing between them – how he had no idea – but Cullen was subtly responding to her, and she to him, even though she was turned away from him. It was quite an incredible sight. He was struggling to think of a time when he’d seen two people more in tune with each other.

He noticed Solas and the Seeker had also spotted the silent communication too, their eyes raised in surprise. Interesting. So it was something rather out of the usual that was going on in front of them. The Seeker was watching the two of them with an almost….no….the atmosphere in the room must have been getting to him. She was the last one he’d expect to succumb to romance. 

Varric would have to be a complete idiot not to know that something rather significant had passed between these two earlier. Contrary to what the Seeker may have thought of him, he did have a soul.

In these times, when everything was so desperate, the future uncertain, people had to take happiness where they could, when they could. What better example could the Inquisition give but their very own Herald and Commander? It might be early days for them both, but Varric knew all too well that people fell in love at first sight.

Sitting back in his chair as Josephine started to go through the agenda, he gave himself a contented sigh. He always enjoyed a good story and this one promised to be up there with the best.


	27. Val Royaeux

‘That went well,’ Lea drawled sarcastically as they watched Lord Seeker Lucius march off. He’d emptied Val Royaeux of all their Templars, having denounced the Inquisition along with the Chantry.

‘Yeah, charming bunch,’ Varric growled. They were all in shock at what they had witnessed, Cassandra most of all.

‘Has Lord Seeker Lucius gone mad?’ she said incredulously.

‘Do you know him well, Cassandra?’ Lea asked. She could always sense lyrium in Templars, although never to the extent of the link she shared with Cullen. But there was something wrong with the Templars who had been present. Cassandra had felt it too, as had Solas who was looking a bit ill. 

 ‘He took over as Lord Seeker two years ago. He was always a reasonable man. Until now,’ Cassandra replied mutely.

‘Reasonable doesn’t punch a Mother of the Chantry in the face,’ Varric pointed out.

‘Thank you Varric, I am aware of that,’ Cassandra ground out.

‘There is something wrong with their lyrium isn’t there, Seeker,’ Solas said. ‘I can still feel the resonating discord.’

Cassandra sighed. ‘Yes, and I don’t know what is going on. I do not like this one bit.’

Lea gestured to the group to move out. ‘There’s nothing for us here right now in Val Royaeux. We should get back to the others and discuss this further.’

They all nodded, eager to make their escape and get back to Haven. Suddenly Cassandra’s shield went up, deflecting an arrow onto the ground that had been intended for Lea.

Running forward, they saw it was a note. ‘Red Jenny. I don’t really understand it,’ Lea said, confused.

Varric’s eyebrows shot up. ‘The Inquisition has come to the attention of the Red Jennys? Frosty, we should check this out.’ He quickly scanned the letter, nodding his head to himself. ‘Let me speak to the Nightingale about this and we’ll come back to you. We may need to send some agents to look into this further before making contact.’

Lea nodded, grateful that the arrow hadn’t actually been intended for her. As they walked to the city gates, there were stopped again by a liveried guard, stopping right in front of her.

‘Herald of Andraste?’

‘Yes?’ Lea queried testily. Maker, she was fed up – what was it now?

‘I have a message for you,’ he said, slipping her a note before running off.

She went cold, recognising the seal, then fury raged inside her as she read the contents of the letter, her magic climbing to be out of her and seeking retribution.

‘Falon?’ Solas said to her, concerned.

She said nothing, throwing the letter to Cassandra and walking towards the exit.

Cassandra rapidly looked at the contents, sighed and put the letter in her pocket.

‘Seeker, c’mon,’ Varric said, curiosity getting the better of him.

‘Does the name Madame de Fer mean anything to you?’ Cassandra asked them both.

Solas shook his head. ‘The affairs of humans are of little interest to me, Seeker.’

‘I know of her,’ Varric replied. ‘She is the First Enchanter of Montsimmard and Duke de Ghislan’s mistress. But that’s pretty much it.’

‘I do not know the full story but I do know there is bad blood between our Herald and this woman,’ Cassandra replied, shaking her head. ‘Why is nothing ever straightforward?’

They caught up with Lea, still standing ramrod straight, magic held close to her, rage palatable.

‘Lady Seeker,’ she said, voice cold and clipped, ‘let us discuss this as a group at Haven. I acknowledge I cannot be impartial in this matter and need to defer judgement to the advisors as to how to proceed next. I would ask, for my personal sanity, that we not mention this until that time.’

They all nodded.

Just as they reached the gates, Lea heard another woman calling them, ending her patience.

‘Maker’s Breath, what the fuck is it now?’ she groaned, turning round.

Her jaw fell open at who stood in front of her.

‘Grand Enchanter Fiona!’ Cassandra exclaimed.

‘Is it not dangerous for you to be here?’ Solas asked.

‘I heard of this gathering, and I wanted to see this fabled Herald of Andraste with my own eyes. If it’s help with the Breach you seek, perhaps you should look amongst your fellow mages,’ Fiona replied, eyes cold.

‘I’m surprised the leader of the mages wasn’t at the Conclave,’ Lea said, studying the woman in front of her.

‘Yes,’ Cassandra said, suspicion in her voice, ‘you were supposed to be but somehow you avoided death.’

‘As did the Lord Seeker, you’ll note’ Fiona replied with disdain. ‘Both of us sent negotiators in our stead in case it was a trap. I won’t pretend I’m not glad to live. I lost many dear friends that day. It disgusts me to think the Templars will get away with it. I’m hoping you won’t let them.’

‘So you think the Templars are responsible?’ Lea said somewhat skeptically.

‘Why wouldn’t she?’ Cassandra said disapprovingly.

‘Lucius hardly seems broken up over his losses,’ Fiona retorted scornfully, ‘if he’s concerned about them at all. You heard him. You think he wouldn’t happily kill the Divine to turn people against us? So yes, I think he did it. More than I think you did it, at any rate.’

She paused, assessing the group.

‘We are willing to discuss a potential alliance with the Inquisition at least. Consider this an invitation to Redcliffe. Come, meet with the mages. An alliance could help us both, after all. I hope to see you there. Au revoir, my lady Herald.’

She walked away, disappearing in the crowd.

‘Now can we get out of here?’ Varric asked grumpily.

\---------

They had reached the Ferelden border in good time that day, after some hard travel from Val Royaeux. Cassandra decided to call a halt. They’d passed near a village and had received some correspondence from Leliana that Lea wanted to go through with the group.

Gathering round the camp fire as they did every time they were in the field, Lea sat back and enjoyed the good-natured banter they had built up; even Cassandra had unbent a little. Currently Varric was teaching them both how to play Wicked Grace, causing no little amusement to everyone.

‘Seeker, why oh why don’t you understand the concept of not telling me what is in your hand,’ he grumbled.

‘Because how am I supposed to know if it’s a good hand or not if I don’t ask?’ she protested.

Varric rolled his eyes, and Lea decided to interrupt before they all got too settled in.

‘I have a couple of ideas to run past you all,’ she said, ‘if you could take a break for five or ten minutes?’

They all agreed, laying the cards down and getting settled with a drink.

‘Right, thanks all of you, firstly,’ she said with a smile. ‘That little trek to Val Royaeux was illuminating, to say the least. It’s also raised the fact that we really do need to make a very quick decision soon on whether we side with the mages or Templars and get their assistance in closing the Breach. I’d like to hear your thoughts on that.’

She waited a second, gauging their reactions.

‘Either group would work, which I think you know. So it isn’t really about who would be better or more powerful – it’s about what would be better for the people involved,’ she finished.

‘It’s a difficult one, da’len,’ Solas murmured. ‘So much damage and destruction has been caused on both sides. But I feel that ultimately if mages were not oppressed, none of this would have happened in the first place. History is merely repeating itself here; a pattern the Inquisition would be wise to break.’

‘It isn’t as easy as that though, Solas,’ Cassandra replied. ‘Magic should not go unchecked. The Templars provide an invaluable service to the people of Thedas. Uncontrolled magic will bring the world to its knees once again.’

‘Seeker, that’s a hypocritical argument,’ Varric retorted. ‘Chuckles, for example, has spent his whole life outside of a Circle but I don’t see him deciding to explode a Chantry like Anders did. Don’t get me wrong,’ he held up his hand as Cassandra wanted to interrupt, ‘I’m a dwarf and I have no love of magic. And I saw first-hand what happened at Kirkwall, so I am aware of the dangers. But they were all caused by mages living in a Circle or apostates who had run away from a Circle.’

He paused, staring into the flames as he remembered. ‘Kirkwall was a fucking mess,’ he carried on. ‘Blood mages, that red lyrium shit, crazy Templars coming out of the walls….but you have to look deeper, look at the root cause. When people feel oppressed, eventually they rebel. And the Circle equals oppression to many.’

‘That is well said, Child of the Stone,’ Solas said with great approval. ‘There are many powerful mages living outside of the control of the Chantry who have no interest in becoming maleficar. Few do, in fact. Look at your Hawke, for example, or the Hero of Ferelden who has risen to be King Alistair’s Chancellor - or even our very own Herald who is now blossoming outside of the restrictions of the Circle. No one is saying there should be no controls – the same as you would police a city with the guard – but the current setup has failed spectacularly.’

Cassandra sat, silent, thinking. Lea knew she was typical of many associated with the Chantry military orders – that magic was something to be feared, something to be frightened of and that mages had to be put down ruthlessly if they stepped out of line. But her attitude seemed to be slowly changing.

‘What about you, Frosty?’ Varric asked. ‘This is closest to you, after all. You lived it.’

Lea closed her eyes for a second, thinking back to that life which, even after a few short weeks felt so alien to her now.

‘I was in a unique position in the Circle,’ she said slowly, thinking as she looked around the group once more. ‘I was the daughter of a powerful noble family with a brother and then a brother-in-law based at Ostwick. So I personally had more protection than many of the more vulnerable mages who came in. And really, Ostwick was very relaxed even then. We were the polar opposite of Kirkwall – our First Enchanter and Knight-Commander hated their counterparts there, would barely speak of them. Of course, given what happened there, I now understand why.’

Her gaze rose to the stars, thinking out loud. ‘I adore my family, but they are overprotective. Even as I got older, passed my Harrowing, rose to be a Senior Enchanter, I was supervised everywhere. I still had no freedom, even though I had all this ability. And, spending time with Solas now for example, not to mention our work for the Inquisition, I see how limited my learning actually was.’

Lea looked back at everyone then, flame from the fire reflecting in their eyes, listening, understanding, encouraging her to talk it out.

‘People permanently look over their shoulder when they see a mage coming, worried we might spout horns. The Chantry has deliberately preached hate and fear where it should preach tolerance and understanding.   Mages need to be given the chance to actually be taught how to control themselves, self-governance, without that permanent assumption we are going to do something bad. **’**

‘But what if…’ Cassandra started, then stopped.

‘Seeker, the whole of the universe is full of ‘what if’s’,’ Varric said.  ‘What if you got drunk and went out and chopped someone’s head off? How is that better than a demon killing someone? The result is still the same. Dead is dead.’

‘Magic is merely the tool, Seeker,’ Solas said.

‘Right, that’s what I meant to say,’ Varric grinned.

‘Is your mind made up then, Lea?’ Cassandra asked warily.

‘I think I know which direction I would like to take, but we will have to see when we get to Redcliffe,’ Lea replied. ‘But I am bothered by the reaction of the Templars at Val Royaeux – something is very wrong there and I think it will take us quite some time to work it through. We just don’t have that luxury right now. If possible, I’d want to confront the Lord Seeker sooner rather than later, but can we?’

‘This is true,’ Cassandra said, her voice full of concern. ‘Very well, what would you suggest?’

‘Did you have a chance to look through the letters from Leliana?’ Lea asked. Cassandra shook her head then opened them up to read the basics to the others.

‘She has a report from Cullen that states some troops have gone missing in the Fallow Mire, and that the Storm Coast is now open for us to begin the search for destroying red lyrium. Interestingly, she’s also had rumours that there may be a Grey Warden in the Hinterlands.’

‘A Grey Warden? Now that is interesting,’ Cassandra mused. ‘That’s another group that would be of used to the Inquisition right now. Where have they all gone?’

‘I may get Cadan to send a message to Alistair to see what his thoughts are on the situation,’ Lea said, frowning in thought. ‘Given his Chancellor is a Grey Warden as well. Although I don’t know where the Hero is either, for that matter. In the meantime, we will find this other one – Blackwell is his name.’

‘So,’ she continued, ‘I had another thought. We may need to move quickly on the meeting with the mages, and I don’t even know if we will make it back to Haven as quickly as I originally hoped. Cullen’s still in the Hinterlands finishing up with those towers – a problem with the land being too soggy or something. I was going to suggest we visit him for a couple of nights….’

She stopped, thankful the firelight hid how much she was blushing.

_Thank the Maker they are all pretending nothing is amiss!_

‘He isn’t going to like what I have to say about recruiting the mages,’ Lea managed to say. ‘But it needs to be put out there. I think it only fair to discuss it with him in advance.’

Three faces stared back impassively at her. Even Varric didn’t say anything. Feeling encouraged, Lea carried on.

‘We can finish up in the Hinterlands; Leliana said something about a cult of the Breach in the south – how extraordinary! – and then head to the Fallow Mire to see what’s happened there. Then to Haven for a couple of days to touch base then onto the Storm Coast or to Redcliffe. We can decide with the whole group. What do you think?’

‘Sure thing, Frosty. I need to look up a contact round the area anyway,’ Varric replied with the ghost of a smile.

‘I want to make sure Master Dennet signs up with the Inquisition after all he  has put us through,’ Cassandra agreed.

‘And I think there may be some further investigating we can do into an elven artefact I found in the Fade around Redcliffe Farms,’ Solas finished off.

Lea gave them all a grateful smile.

_They know, but for some reason they are leaving Cullen and I to it. What a mercy._

‘Thank you everyone, for being so accommodating. I’m sorry this is turning into such a long trip but we’ll be back in Haven sooner than we know it. And on that note,’ she rose, dusting her legs off, ‘I am going for my evening walk before bed. Cassandra – here’s Leliana’s letters for you to look through in more detail.’

Passing the messages over, Lea bid them all a good evening as she went off to find herself a thinking spot.


	28. Bedtime reading

Lea was a tumult of emotions, needing some time to sort through herself before sleeping.

When she’d seen the Templars marching out of the city, she was worried for Trystan, wherever he was. She then felt better reading the messages from Leliana. She had reports of a Templar matching his description heading into Orlais, but why would he go there?

What was he doing? And why had there been no word? She knew Caya was right, but she still didn’t like it.  

Val Royaeux had bothered Lea more than she cared to admit. Regardless of her own personal feelings about Templars, it was still disconcerting to see something she’d lived with her whole life behave in such an irrational fashion.

There had been a strong feeling of wrongness emulating from them all, not at all like the usual Templar lyrium sensations she was used to. It had frightened her, left her full of questions with no answers.

And then to see the Grand Enchanter! Lea’s feelings were very much in sympathy with the rebel mages, but on the woman herself? She remained ambivalent. Fiona wasn’t a strong leader and Lea had found it hard to respect her. Fiona had used subterfuge and dishonesty to reach the position she was in and that was all now backfiring on her.

Thinking of dishonesty, just the thought of the message from Vivienne had her enraged.

_That fucking cheeky cow!_

Breathing deeply, she managed to banish the thought away. She wanted happy thoughts, not anger.

Finding a nice location under a tree, but still where she could see the stars, Lea settled herself against the trunk and slipped her hand inside her coat to pull out the letter.

Her heart raced. Even here, when Cullen was far away, he was in always in her head, her magic still echoing the feeling of his lyrium throughout the core of her being, looking for his presence.

_Maker, I miss him so much._

The night before they left, they’d ended up enjoying a lively meal in the tavern with Varric, Josephine, Leliana and the dwarven contingent. Josephine had invited the dwarves there to negotiate lyrium supplies and, judging by the amount of ale that was consumed that evening, the discussions had been a success.

She had enjoyed the opportunity to see Cullen in that setting, surrounded by friends. He had that dry sense of humour that Fereldens were famous for, enjoying his verbal fencing with Varric and Leliana.

Maker, the man was just so attractive! It wasn’t just his physical appearance, it was seeing the whole of the man - relaxed, enjoying good company, sharing stories, living in the moment.

_Varric is right – he needs to laugh more._

Cullen had walked her back to her lodge again at the end of the evening, both of them a little bit tipsy, laughing and joking about nonsense, just having fun. He’d given her the most intense look on the doorstep before bending down to leave a lingering kiss on her cheek, promising to see her before they departed in the early morning.

She didn’t feel him drop off until he felt her asleep, waiting to know she was alright, giving her that protected sensation that helped her rest.

Not that how much they wanted each other had changed in any way; if anything, after that evening Lea had felt it intensify, move to something deeper.

She’d managed to run back to the lodge and change from the leather armour – which had done its job beyond her wildest hopes - to a deep red tunic with black trousers and her Orleisian black boots.

When she’d walked back into the tavern, the look on his face had taken her straight back to the morning. His eyes blazed, remembering, his lyrium demanding she came closer, needed her near.

_The heat of him, the strength, power, the raw need for me in his face as he held me against the wall….making me yield…..fuck, I want him so badly._

That hour had replayed in her head the moment she had regained a modicum of control over herself later that day.

Lea had no idea things would end the way it did, with Cullen taking her to the most powerful orgasm she’d ever experienced.

_I thought we’d maybe talk, bat swords and staffs around for a bit and talk._

_I had hoped for more but Andraste save me, that blew away all my expectations!_

The feel of his fingers inside her, the weight of his body pressed hard against her, and the look of almost animal satisfaction in his eyes as he made her come – she would never forget it.

_Putting me first, even when I could feel how he needed his release. Ever the gentleman, even when being pushed to his very limits._

She’d correctly guessed he had a thing for mages and their power during a battle. What she hadn’t realised was how much of a thing she’d develop for Templars - well, one specific one - and their power.

Lea was taken aback by the force of her emotions, and understood why now mages and Templars would break any rule to be together, feel that connection, feel the thrill of the forbidden.

I _never allowed myself to experience the high of the danger. Well….the one time I tried was a disaster. But Cullen…Cullen is different…._

She’d had felt the high that morning, that was for sure. Lea had come apart completely during their practice, felt herself falter on more than one occasion simply because she was so focused on how much she wanted him.

_I trust him. Cullen would never hurt me._

And therein lay the difference between any other sexual encounter she’d ever had before. When there was trust, then the opportunities were there to explore one another, share each other’s innermost desires and fantasies, all without fear of repercussion. Getting to know one another in the most intimate way possible.

It was a gift from the Maker, to find someone like that. And here, with a huge hole in the sky, the world being torn apart, she had found the perfect man for her.

_A Templar. Danger._

Lea was beginning to learn to embrace the danger, step out of her protected little bubble. She’d found out on that training ground that it was well worth the risk.

She couldn’t wait for their next sparring session.

Smiling, she picked up the letter in her lap. Aside from a quick note to tell him they were in Val Royaeux, she hadn’t had the chance to write properly.  She experienced that rush of pleasure again to have something from him here as she slowly broke the seal.

_Leaena,_

_The team has arrived safely in the Hinterlands and we are in the process of getting these towers up – and finally getting our horses. Master Dennet seems incapable of leaving my men to just get on with it, but we are making headway. There is a slight problem with the ground waterlogging round one of the towers so we will take an extra night or two to resolve the issue._

_I had forgotten how beautiful it is here. It is not far from where I grew up.  If we ever get the chance there is much I could show you of the area. Sadly, my village was destroyed in the Blight but I am hopeful that some of the local landmarks remain._

_I’ll admit to being curious, in a rather horrified way, as to whether there was indeed a cathedral full of Chancellor Rodericks waiting for you in Val Royaeux. I do hope that it was somewhat smoother sailing than what you experienced in Haven. Even if it isn’t, I don’t doubt you will find a way through and succeed. You always do._

_There were other things on my mind at the time, but I forgot to congratulate you on how accomplished a combat fighter you are. I look forward with great anticipation to our next session. I think I may well be on the receiving end of your dagger, such is your skill._

_Andraste guide your travels._

_C_

Lea relaxed in that warm, fuzzy sensation she always got from anything to do with Cullen before re-reading it again.

She couldn’t wait to surprise him tomorrow. To spend a night in his company.

Then she sighed. Cullen wouldn’t like what she had to say at all about the potential of a mage alliance. She knew his history at Kirkwall, knew he had done things that he now bitterly regretted. He hadn’t spoken of his time at Kinloch Hold, and she wouldn’t pressure him, but she suspected something even darker had happened there. 

_He’s still hurting, still hasn’t healed._

They all had to change, adapt. This was the new world that the Inquisition had to forge. Lea had to try to talk to him at least. After all, he was hardly indifferent to her was he? So there had to be hope he’d come round.

She still wasn’t sure, still not convinced he could look past everything she was and accept that dramatic a change to everything he believed in.

Lea looked at his letter, getting out the others he’d sent. She read all of them again, then closed her eyes and leaned back on the tree.

Her mind replayed at lightening every interaction with him the moment she fell out the Fade; every feeling, emotion, glance, movement, touch; their energies twisting, entwined with one another.

A brilliant smile lit her face as she put her letters away and headed to her tent.

For the first night since Lea had been away from Cullen, no demons stalked her sleep.


	29. Mages and Templars

‘There’s the farms,’ Varric called.

‘Excellent – let’s ride round and get to camp from the other side,’ Lea replied, urging her horse forward. It was towards early evening and they’d travelled non-stop to reach the Hinterlands in such a short time.

Her heart was racing, she was so excited to see Cullen again. Just as they sighted the farms and got near, she started to feel the familiar pulse of his lyrium, completely unable to control her magic’s immediate reaction. She felt his lyrium surge even at that distance, both energies meeting each other in a rush.

_Maker, it feels so good to feel him again._

Lea sensed his surprise, and then blushed as she felt the warmth of his lyrium heat and glow, knowing she was near.

‘I’ve never known for a mage or Templar to have quite such a strong connection through their powers,’ Cassandra said quietly next to her.

Lea turned to her in shock and not a bit of fear, waiting to be denounced and carted off to a cell again. But all she saw in the Seeker’s face was a slight touch of awe and a bit of embarrassment at having spoken out loud.

Then the full impact of Cassandra's words hit her.

‘You know what goes through our connection?’ Lea choked out, feeling horror rising in her.

Cassandra and Solas both laughed at her expression.

‘No, no. That is unique to the two of you and no one would ever be able to infiltrate that. It’s more that I can see your individual signatures….speaking together. And even then, in a group of mages and Templars it would be very hard to pick out.’

‘The Seeker is correct, Herald,’ Solas confirmed. ‘As mages, we can sense others that carry the power, can even tell what those are if one is experienced enough. The same abilities and more are granted to Templars through lyrium as you know. It seems that both of you are able to combine them together in quite a special way,’ he finished with a gentle smile.

Lea thought for a moment, considering their words and feeling a huge rush of relief. It was silly to try and hide that Cullen and she could sense each other for some distance away from these two, and all which that implied. She turned back to Solas, wondering.

‘When I sense a power, it is more like a background noise. I still hear other Templars and mages in camp, but I have to really focus to single one out unless they were practically standing on me. If they are in small groups then I find it easier. The only other person I can compare this link to is with my brother. And even then, I can’t sense Trystan in quite the same way I can….this.’

She broke off, thinking hard.

‘So it’s still part of the general collective magic senses when we are in a group, but when it is just me or the Commander you can see it easier?’

‘Correct,’ Cassandra replied.

‘You need not worry, da’len, that the whole of Haven can see your magic in such a way, or watch the Commander's abilities. It is because we are close to you that we can identify it so specifically. Your privacy is still your own.’

Lea smiled gratefully at Solas for his reassurance. The elf merely nodded and rode off ahead.

‘I am sorry for raising it,’ Cassandra said sheepishly. ‘I just thought you might like to know that we…’

‘It’s alright, Cassandra, please don’t worry. I actually appreciate knowing exactly what it is you can sense.’

‘And you can feel his abilities, even as far back as sighting the farms? And he you?’ Cassandra asked, still amazement in her voice.

‘I….yes,’ Lea said, a touch mortified to have been so obvious.

‘Do not feel awkward, Herald,’ Cassandra said, her face softer than Lea had ever seen. ‘I have heard of this before, in rare cases. Truly, it must be special, to be so connected to another individual in such a way.’ She smiled. ‘You are blessed, you know. Very few people find what you have found.’

Lea was quiet, sensing him get nearer, unable to control the smile on her face, the sheer relief again of feeling him again.

‘I was not expecting….this, whatever it is,’ she replied with a touch of wonder. ‘I still don’t really know what to do with it.’

Cassandra laughed. ‘Given how the Commander has been behaving lately, Lea, I would say you are doing just fine.’

She then looked at Lea, seeing the internal conflict she still had, the underlying fear. 

‘These are exceptional times, Herald,’ Cassandra replied slowly. ‘Moments in life are fleeting. Signs like these from the Maker show we should not dwell in the past, hidebound by those rules, but move forward, embracing each new opportunity that comes to us.’

Cassandra gathered her reins and looked back at Lea with a small smile. ‘Your personal life is your business, and I shall not intrude again. We - all of us - intend to give you the space you need. I will ensure personally there is no vulgar gossip.’

Lea gave the Seeker a smile of pure gratitude before they both pointed their horses towards the camp.

Cullen knew she was here and she didn’t want to delay. Kicking her horse into a gallop, she rode hard the last couple of miles to camp, overtaking the others in her desire to get there as fast as possible.

\--------

It was worth it to see the look on Cullen’s face, feel his own surprise at seeing her there atop her horse in his camp. Lea gave him a brilliant smile, filled with the sheer joy of having him there in front of her.

‘Herald!’ he exclaimed, pleasure lighting up his face, removing the signs of tiredness and worry and something darker she’d seen there before. He moved quickly towards her, helping her down from her horse and holding her for that split second longer than he needed to.

_Maker, your hands feel so good._

‘We…ah…we were not expecting you,’ Cullen stammered slightly.

Lea was a bit stunned herself, unable to speak for a second. The way her magic and his lyrium had just joined together as his hands touched her waist was nothing short of explosive.

‘There are some matters that have arisen as a result of our trip to Val Royaeux that we should discuss,’ she finally said as they began to walk. ‘We had to return to the Hinterlands to finalise some matters and it seemed like a good chance to run some of our options past you.’

_Andraste save me, but I needed to see you. I missed you so much._

‘How did things go?’ he asked her, leading her horse for her so she had the chance to relax after her ride. They moved towards the back of the camp, where she saw the construction team's mounts tethered for the night.

‘Not quite a cathedral-full as we expected,’ she grinned, then went sombre. ‘Cullen - it’s really bad,’ she said quietly, looking into his eyes, needing to see his strength, feel some pass through to her. Maker, she did not feel strong at all right now. ‘I….I rode ahead…I…..’ she broke off with her eyes dropped to the floor, filled with embarrassment and feeling silly.

Lea felt the wonderful sensation of Cullen’s hand on her face, gently tipping her chin up to look at him. Her breath nearly stopped at the tawny-golden fire of passion she saw in his eyes. The late evening sun had caught the golden flecks within. Her magic was singing, still delighted to finally be linked to his senses once more.

_You are such a beautiful man._

‘I am glad you came,’ he said simply, not removing his hand, stroking her face slightly, as if he had to remind himself she was real.

The sound of approaching horses broke the spell as they turned to see the other three arrive.

‘This way,’ Cullen called, turning back to help Lea with her bags.

‘Thank you,’ she smiled at him, still overwhelmed from the tenderness she’d seen in his eyes.

‘Commander,’ Cassandra said as they dismounted, ‘how have things gone here?’

‘Very well Seeker,’ he replied, turning away to talk to her.

Lea quickly unsaddled and brushed her horse down. She was content to then lean against her mare's flank, listening to the warm-toffee whiskey voice rumble through her whilst Cullen updated Cassandra on the new watchtowers in the region.

‘….and even after all we have done, that I came here personally to oversee building some bloody watchtowers, Master Dennet still refuses to come to Haven himself,’ he finished with irritation.

Cassandra snorted. ‘I shall deal with him tomorrow. He must be made to see sense.’

‘Come everyone, you must be tired after your journey. Extra tents are being put up and food is ready. So if you are all ready, I suggest we eat and discuss the latest events straight away. And Varric,’ Cullen motioned to the dwarf with a grin, ‘If you check that barrel there I think you’ll be pleased to find something a bit more to your tastes.’

‘You’re too good to me, Curly,’ Varric said with appreciation. ‘That stuff you Fereldens call ale is the equivalent of drinking cat’s piss.’

Cassandra made a noise of disgust. ‘Cullen, last time we let Varric near a barrel of Braiken Brew I’m surprised we even made it back to Haven.’

‘It did take us a while to get up the next morning. Solas was the only one unaffected and had to make us all the most amazing hangover cure that day,’ Lea laughed as they walked towards the main camp.  

‘That good?’ Cullen looked enquiringly at Solas. ‘I might have to get your recipe and distribute it to the troops.’

‘I like to think my small contributions make a difference to the Inquisition, Commander,’ Solas bowed his head as Cullen chucked. 

‘You saying you had a bad night Seeker?’ Varric raised a sceptical eyebrow at her. ‘From what I recall you were the one who gave the bawdiest story of the evening.’

‘Seriously, Cassandra?’ Cullen was trying hard not to laugh at the poor Seeker's discomfort.

Cassandra went bright red. ‘It was one story and not nearly as bawdy as Varric makes out. Besides, how he would remember I have no idea.’ she said haughtily.

‘Hey, it involved Isabela – and don’t I know the best out of all of us that you don’t get bawdier than that!’ Varric protested.

They all carried on their banter as they served themselves food and made their way over to a smaller camp fire.

_I love the feel of him so close, safe, protected._

Lea was struggling to concentrate being this near to Cullen again after an absence of a week. She wanted to just find somewhere to run away with him and hide where people couldn’t find them. Just to be with him and talk.

When they had parted things had been so charged after that amazing night and morning, and so much still felt, well, unresolved between them somehow. She wanted to just get to know the man some more and not let her body race away with her.

_Not that I mind the electric stuff, far from it! I just want to understand who his is as well, what makes up the man underneath the Commander._

She turned, feeling him behind her.

_I just want to lean on you again, just to have you hold me._

_''_ I have an idea that you may like,’ he said in a low voice, smiling at her. ‘Once we are done, I know a place not far from here. You can have some quiet time if you want. It’s not quite a jetty on a frozen lake but I think you’ll like it.’

She smiled back, relaxing slightly into his space. He knew her so well already, knew she needed some time to think.

‘I would like that,’ she replied with a sigh, finding a spot by the fire as they joined the rest. ‘Val Royaeux was so….fucked up.’

‘Lord Seeker Lucius has gone mad with power, Cullen. I have never seen him like this before.' Cassandra sounded worried. ‘He has taken over the Templar Order and withdrawn them all to Therinfall Redoubt.’

‘He denounced us and then denounced the Chantry, whilst one of his lieutenants punched a Reverend Mother in the face,’ Varric added.

‘What? How is this possible?’ Cullen was astounded.

‘I cannot tell you; and I will be honest – I have no idea what to do about it,’ Cassandra admitted.

‘What is at Therinfall that could possibly be of interest to the man?’ Solas wondered. ‘It has been empty for centuries.’

‘It was originally a fortress used by the Seekers, but was abandoned during the Blessed Age,’ Cassandra confirmed. ‘Its position of complete isolation may appeal to Lucius although the why of it escapes me.’

‘I can’t believe that all the Templars would turn in such a way. There must be some who we could reason with, who would know that the Inquisition is the only sensible way forward in amidst the chaos,’ Cullen countered.

‘We tried,’ Lea sighed. ‘I even invoked your name which I hope you will forgive me for. One or two looked swayed but then the Lord Seeker swept them all up for their triumphant 'fuck you' march out of Val Royaeux before they had a chance to question further.’

‘It was rather like that, the proverbial middle finger.’ Varric agreed. ‘A move designed for high drama and full impact. To punch the Chantry squarely in the face.’

‘The other thing, Commander,’ Solas said with concern, ‘is the feel of the Templars. Something is very wrong with them.’

‘Maker, yes. I nearly threw up.’ Lea agreed. ‘Their lyrium is..well, as Solas said. Wrong.’

‘And we are not sure why,’ Cassandra added.

‘This is grave news indeed,’ Cullen said heavily. ‘It brings no resolutions – just more questions we don’t have answers to.’

_I’m sorry. This must hurt you, all over again._

For all that Cullen had left the Order, for all the terrible things he’d had to endure while in service to what he'd believed was the greater good, Lea knew he was still bound to it in so many ways. To hear that it had lost its way so badly must be difficult for him.

She felt her magic curl up to him, quietly trying to get as close as possible. Felt his lyrium reach for her, needing to feel her.

‘I would suggest we ask Leliana to send some scouts to the area, to see if we can gain further news,’ Lea said. ‘But this is going to take a long time to find a resolution to.’

He nodded, quietly thinking for a moment.

‘It also raises the question of what we should do about closing the Breach,’ she added.

‘We have no time, Commander,’ Cassandra said, sighing. ‘The Breach remains in the sky and Templars are marching across to the other side of Ferelden to sit in an abandoned fortress which no one can get near to.’

‘But they would be able to help close it still, suppress the magic. Cassandra, I am still very wary of the amount of power that we could be risking to close the hole if we go down the path of cooperation with the mages – who we haven’t even heard from yet,’ Cullen argued.

‘Actually, guess who paid us a surprise visit as we left Val Royaeux?’ Varric said sarcastically.

Cullen looked at him, confused, then realised. ‘Grand Enchanter Fiona? Really? What lured her out of Redcliffe? She could have been captured!’

‘Yes, it was rather convenient,’ Cassandra said drily.

‘It was all quite mysterious, certainly,’ Lea replied. ‘She popped out from nowhere, lectured us about how the Templars were the ones to create the hole in the sky, told us to consider an alliance then disappeared again. Oh, and apparently she wanted to see the fabled Herald of Andraste. I’ve never said I’ve been fabled or holy or anything and Maker knows I didn’t want this bloody title,’ she said grumpily.

‘You have some suspicions? On the authenticity of her visit?’ Cullen queried.

‘It’s all too easy,’ Lea replied with a scowl. ‘We just stroll into Radcliffe and strike up an alliance just like that, after months of solid fighting?’

‘There is something there that is not right either, da’len,’ Solas murmured. ‘I cannot explain it….perhaps it was lingering sickness from the Templars. But it was, warped, somehow. The Veil felt very thin.’

‘Yes, my connection to the Fade felt so strange. I thought it was just because my magics were playing up but I think it was something else.’

‘Shit,’ Varric said with frustration. ‘No clear path to follow, no clear outcome. I hate flying this blindly.’

‘Yes,’ Cullen frowned. ‘There is no obvious solution here.’

‘Anyone need a drink?’ Varric asked. ‘Maker’s balls, I know I need one. This is making my head hurt.’

They all agreed, clearing away the remains of dinner quickly.

\-----

‘Herald,’ Cullen came over to her whilst the others were busy. ‘Do you have a moment?’

_Maker, we have to have this discussion, get it out there, but I hate hurting him more. Perhaps it will be alright. Maybe he doesn’t hate mages so much any more._

‘Of course,’ Lea replied, following him out of the camp.

They walked in silence for a minute before Cullen took her hand and stopped her.

‘You have something on your mind and I thought you could use a break,’ he murmured, his eyes searching her face.

Lea looked up at him, trying to stop her heart from melting at his consideration, and failed.  ‘There’s a matter I need to discuss with you about the Breach,’ she replied. ‘It has been bothering me for some time but there never seemed to be…um, I guess…..time.’ She blushed at the memories of why they had never addressed this particular subject. ‘Is there somewhere we could talk?’

He looked at her for a second, that smile of his pulling at his lips. She could see the questions in his eyes, the slight hesitation, and suspected he knew exactly what she was talking about.

_When can I touch that scar, taste it, kiss it?_

‘Follow me.’

They left the camp walking quietly. She felt the pulse of his lyrium against her magic; safe, protecting, questioning, concerned. Her anxiety was rising, feeling fear in a way she hadn't for some time.

‘I hope you know that you can always talk to me Leaena,’ he said quietly.

_Does he think he’s the problem? How could I be screwing this up so badly?_

‘I know,’ she replied, almost in tears. No one had ever treated her with such consideration, nor had she ever been so lost for words on how to express herself. ‘I….shit! This is not how I envisaged this evening going,’ she said ruefully, smiling at Cullen’s chuckle.

‘It’s been quite a few weeks hasn’t it?’ he said pensively, leading them past the farm buildings and up a small hill. ‘You don’t mind a quick scramble up a couple of stones and a bit of water do you? The view will be worth it.’

‘It sounds perfect. I’m so stiff so a walk is welcome. We’ve ridden hard these last two days to make it back to Ferelden.’

_To you._

‘I understand from Leliana that there have been sightings of Trystan heading towards Orlais,’ Cullen said. ‘I am glad to hear he is still alive, but why has he not sent word?’

‘I have no idea,’ Lea frowned. ‘I was so relieved to get her message, but why would he go to Orlais? I’m trying not to worry. He’s a big boy after all and I am sure he has his reasons,’ she smiled. ‘Truly, I do feel better about him. He will appear when the time is right.’

‘Yes, you don’t need to worry about his not being able to take care of himself. If the Circles hadn’t fallen he would have become one of the youngest Knight-Commanders by now in Templar history,’ he said, trying to reassure her.

‘Including you?’ Lea asked.

‘Don’t you know it’s rude to ask a knight about his age?’ he said teasingly, trying to coax a smile out of her.

She grinned at him, rewarded by the pleasure sparking in his eyes.

‘Feeling your years today, Commander?’

He laughed, that deep rumbling sound that vibrated through her.

‘I love hearing you laugh,’ she said without thinking, then blushed a deep red.

_So we’re back to the blushing now. Fabulous. Just when I thought I couldn’t feel any more awkward than I do already._

Cullen stopped to look at her, his eyes radiating warmth and that unidentifiable something as he took her hand to help her up the rocks.

‘I’ve had more reasons to smile recently. I’m hopeful that will continue,’ he said softly.

It was all she could do to not reach up and kiss him there and then. Lea had to content herself with a smile and the joy of having his hand in hers. At least for a bit.

After a bit of scrambling they made it up to a ledge by a waterfall. She gasped at the view out over Redcliffe Farms and Western Ferelden, bathed in the late evening golden sunlight. It was just stunning.

‘This is amazing,’ she said in wonder. ‘The sound of the waterfall in the background, this view; and the stars will be visible soon. I can count my constellations again.’

Cullen had spread his cloak on the ground, gesturing to her to sit.

‘Thank you,’ she smiled at him happily as she sat down next to him. ‘I feel at peace again for the first time since leaving Haven.’

‘I’m glad I can offer you a bit of respite from whatever is bothering you,’ Cullen replied, his voice a caress, halting the rising anxiety she was feeling.

_Maker, what did I do to deserve this man?_

She sighed, pulling up her knees, wrapping her arms around her legs and resting her chin on top.

‘I’m looking at this beautiful view. It’s so quiet and restful. Yet only two weeks ago, mages and Templars were tearing each other apart. Fighting, not talking, not listening, not empathising with one another.’

Cullen was silent, sensing her need to talk.

 ‘Here we sit, a mage and a Templar. Although you have left the Order, it is still very much an integral part of who you are. Although my Circle has fallen, living within it since childhood has left its mark.’

She paused, considering her next words. Felt him encourage her to speak, lyrium warming her magic, making her feel safe.

‘We talk, we laugh, you make me feel like the luckiest woman who ever walked Thedas, even in the short time we’ve known one another. We have this unique something that even my magic can’t let go of.’

Lea couldn’t do anything but blurt it out.

‘But I don’t know or understand your views, what your feelings on mages are. And I confess I have deliberately avoided the conversation as I was scared of the answer.’

_Don’t retreat from me, please, not now._

‘There is a Breach that needs to be closed, and we need to choose who we will be working with as an immediate priority. For me, the luxury of glossing over our very different backgrounds has ended. I….’ she faltered for a moment.

‘I’m frightened of making a decision that would turn you away from me,’ she whispered, looking ahead, not daring to look at him.

Cullen’s lyrium was still there, questioning, not running. Her magic was so tightly wrapped around his lyrium now she doubted he could get away even if he wanted to.

‘You are right, of course,' he replied after a pause. 'We have avoided the conversation. Mages, Templars, we aren’t supposed to be together. The Chantry set up the whole bloody thing to fail. But, Leaena,’ his voice urged her to turn to him, ‘you know, no matter what happens, I am here for you.’

Now Cullen had caught her gaze she couldn’t tear herself away. The sincerity in his voice and eyes, wanting to make this work, nearly had her in tears again.

‘So here we are,’ he said encouragingly. ‘Tell me your thoughts. And then I shall tell you mine. And then we will see where we go from there.’

Lea gave him a tentative smile.

‘The question for me has always not been so much about the strength of what we need to close the Breach, but who would be the best people to help us do the job,’ she began.

‘I posed this question to Cassandra, Varric and Solas as we travelled and we had an interesting debate. There is no doubt that either side would have the power to help us; be it the mages pouring power into the Breach, or the Templars supressing the magic in the Breach long enough for my Mark to work.’

She stopped, holding up her hand, thinking. There was just the faintest trace of green fire underneath her skin as she was not near a rift.

‘What is the purpose of the Inquisition? To restore order where there is chaos. To find those who caused the Breach and deliver justice.’ She lowered her hand. ‘The Inquisition is, to me, all about people. I would like to think that we’d pick to support a group that needed our help the most.’

Lea stopped, looking at Cullen. He said nothing, just nodded for her to continue.

‘I have lived all my adult life in a Circle. I am well aware, therefore, that I am probably biased in my opinion. Equally, I understand the reasons why mages rebelled, witnessed first-hand the atrocities committed against them by those who were sworn to protect them. I know you have experienced this as well.’

She paused a moment to look at Cullen again. He wasn’t disagreeing – was listening intently to her.

‘All of that said, aside from the lyrium issue, I am not against the Templar Order either. You must remember I have a brother and brother-in-law who could arguably be your equals in ability and attitude, Commander,’ she said lightly.

‘What lyrium issue do you mean?’ Cullen asked.

‘I find it abhorrent that the Chantry makes addicts out of its Templars,’ Lea said, supressing a shudder. 'We have Seekers and Templars. Seekers do not need lyrium but have the same abilities. So therefore, there must be a different way, and a better way to support those who no longer wish to serve the Order. I don’t know what the answer is,’ she confessed, ‘but the use of lyrium needs serious review.’

Cullen had gone very still next to her and she wondered if she had said something wrong. He obviously had lyrium within him and she’d just assumed he had a supply. It was his business how he chose to manage that, not hers.

Taking his silence as assent to keep going, Lea carried on.

‘The Templars are more organised, more able to cope on their own than the mages. We are up against mistrust from the populace, and centuries of having been told how to live our lives. We don’t understand how to live autonomously. The Templars don’t need the Inquisition’s help like the mages do.’

‘I firmly believe that if we ally ourselves with the mages, give them the support and guidance they need, then we can begin the steps to creating a better structure for magic use in Thedas. I worry if we conscript them, that the same problems will arise time and time again. Oppression is not the way to end this vicious cycle – cooperation is.’

She fell silent, anxious after her little speech.

_There, I’ve said it. Now I have to wait and see._

Cullen was quiet for a long time. Lea didn’t move, didn’t want to interrupt his thoughts. His lyrium was still there, and had called to her magic to move even closer, even though he was saying nothing.

‘You are correct in saying I have witnessed first-hand the atrocities Templars can do to mages.’ He stared sightlessly out over the farms, remembering.

_Oh Maker, I’m sorry I bring you pain._

‘I saw the Inquisition as a chance to atone for my past, to rectify the mistakes that I and so many of my Order had made. Yet it is still hard to let go of that history, hard to not see mages as a danger.’

Lea visibly flinched. ‘You see me as a danger?’ she said shakily, fighting the urge to cry.

‘Fuck! No, I…no,’ he stammered, struggling to find the words.

Her heart contracted painfully at the sudden potential of the future if she didn’t make him understand. She spoke before she could stop herself.

‘Would you have me locked in a Circle again, Cullen?’ she asked, not preventing her tears from falling this time as she looked at him, felt his lyrium twist at having caused her sadness. ‘Would you have us separated, isolated once more? Any potential of you and I stopped before it could even begin?’

_Don’t you trust me? Like I trust you?_

‘I want to protect you Leaena,’ he said roughly. ‘Andraste help me, I can’t bear the thought of anything happening to you. You don’t know….’ He broke off, unable to say more.

Lea suddenly understood. This had everything to do with whatever happened at Kinloch Hold. She couldn’t press him on that, wouldn’t. Some memories were seared too deeply on one’s soul to ever be erased.

She looked at him, still in tears. How could he trust her if she didn’t also let go of her past and trust him?

‘Did you know I was nearly made Tranquil?’ she said in a low voice, agony in each word.

‘Maker’s Breath!’ he exclaimed in shock. ‘No! I…can I ask…you don’t have to…’

‘It’s alright,’ she replied, even smiling a little.

Lea moved to sit cross-legged, trying to sort out her face with a rather grubby sleeve. Her heart stopped as Cullen reached out a hand to gently wipe her tears away.

‘Tell me,’ he whispered, as he took her hand in his, lending her his strength.

‘It was soon after I passed my Harrowing,’ she said slowly, looking down at his hand, taking comfort in the feel of its heat. ‘I went with a group of other mages to Montsimmard Circle for a six-month secondment. I was still so young, not yet twenty. It was all such a great adventure,’ she said bitterness rising through her tongue, making her want to vomit.

‘Early on I made friends with a mage who was older than I, around ten or fifteen years or so. She was very much a mentor figure to me. Exotic, beautiful, powerful, a Senior Enchanter, everything I wanted to be.’ Lea said tonelessly.

‘At the same time I had my first major infatuation with one of their Templars. I didn’t know what to do as it was, of course, forbidden and exceedingly tempting. So I went and asked for her advice. Much to my surprise, she was encouraging of a liaison, and even helped us arrange secret trysts so we could see each other.’

‘It was all oh so thrilling to me. I remembered people going off on patrol, coming back, all loved up together. I wanted that, wanted my knight in shining armour. I stupidly thought this was the one. At the grand old age of nineteen. Now at thirty-two I know a whole lot better.’ Lea shook her head.

‘Anyway, we slept together. It was my first time with a Templar. It was also seriously crap,’ she grimaced at the memory. ‘And then we were caught by the Montsimmard First Enchanter and Knight-Commander.’

Lea paused staring into the distance, struggling to hold back tears again. A warm pressure on her hand gave her the confidence to continue.

‘I was immediately whipped off to the cells, told I would be made Tranquil as soon as it could be arranged. I was hysterical. Fortunately, the Senior Enchanter from Ostwick in charge of the group got word to Trystan who literally burst into the Harrowing Chamber with some Ostwick Templars to save me just before they started the Rite.’

She didn’t even realise she was crying, the years of fear, pain and utter humiliation overflowing, making her shake with the memory.

‘Even then, it wasn’t over. I got sent back to the cells, whilst they waited for instructions from Ostwick. Trystan had argued that, as I was not a mage from their Circle, they couldn’t pass judgement. They weren’t prepared for the arrival of our Knight-Commander and my father, only two days later,’ she smiled slightly. ‘I was taken straight back to Ostwick and relations between Montsimmard and Ostwick were as strained as they were between us and Kirkwall. And Trystan has always formed one of my party ever since.’

Lea didn’t dare look at Cullen, still crying with her hand over her face, still shaking.

_I must look a mess, sound like a complete idiot. What must he think of me?_

Cullen wordlessly drew Lea towards him and, as she gave a small squeak of surprise, he picked her up off the ground and placed her in his lap, holding her as close as he could.

_Well, no I’m not going to protest about this._

Lea couldn’t resist snuggling into his shoulder a bit, resting her head just by his neck as she wrapped one arm around the back, resting her hand on his nape. The other was still being held by his hand.

Holy Andraste, he felt so good, with the feel of his heat from his hard body warming her, soothing her tears that had turned to hiccups. She nearly forgot herself at the smell of him, that woody citrus and the note that was uniquely him. She could feel the steady beat of his heart, his lyrium wrapping round her magic, safe, protecting.

They sat like that for a few minutes, saying nothing, taking the comfort they both so badly needed in each other’s arms.

‘I have nightmares,’ she whispered, ‘nightmares that the brand reaches my forehead and the very thing that makes me who I am is torn away. I’ll be in the Fade, in Ostwick, anywhere. But it’s still the same Ritual.’

‘Who was responsible for what happened to you?’ Cullen asked quietly.

‘It’s a good question,’ Lea replied, not moving from his arms.

Cullen didn’t seem to mind her staying there so she decided to stay put.

‘Apparently the mage was also a scheming bitch. She felt I was a threat to her rise in power. She’d been sleeping with that Templar and also the First Enchanter. Putting me in the frame was an easy way to get rid of the awkwardness of the Templar who she no longer had use for, and getting rid of me as a rival for whatever deluded notion she had that I wanted more political power. The First Enchanter was so enamoured of her that he pretty much did anything she asked. Hence the Rite of Tranquility.’

Cullen let out a low whistle. ‘That is vicious. And worthy of the Game,’ he said, leaving Lea in no doubt as to his opinion of the Orlesian national pastime. ‘Did you have any proof?’

‘Maker, if only. My father would have seen her run out of the Circles and made Tranquil herself. She was too clever for that, leaving us nothing.’

‘What happened to her?’ Cullen asked.

‘I thought I was done with her forever,’ Lea said in a small voice, burying her head even further into her shoulder before continuing.

‘It’s funny you should mention the Game. This woman rose to be First Enchanter of Montsimmard and Magical Advisor to Empress Celene’s court. Hardly any surprises seeing as she could give Celene lessons in manipulation.’

‘Vivienne de Fer? Duke de Ghislain’s mistress?’ Cullen had started stroking her head and hair by this point. Lea was so comfortable and so content, all the horror of the past fading away with his gentle touch.

‘The one and only,’ Lea replied with venom. ‘She is truly representative of a woman who fucked and murdered her way to the top. Her magical abilities are mediocre at best and, much as she tries to hide it, she comes from a poor Rivian family who settled in in the Free Marches. That she tries to conceal her heritage is indicative of the woman she is. I realise now she was jealous of me in every single way, but I was too young and stupid to see it.’

Lea felt the shame and anger rise again but it wasn’t as bad as before. Cullen’s arms and chest and, well, everything were making it so much better again.

‘Oh, that was something we forgot to mention to you earlier – it made my day in Val Royaeux to receive an invitation to the Duke’s estate.’

‘What do you want to do about it?’ he wondered. ‘You don’t have to go and see her if you don’t want to.’

‘I will have to I think – I was going to ask if you and Cassandra could join me. With you being who you are and Cassandra being who she is, Vivienne will have a seizure. I can wish,’ Lea sighed.

‘Vivienne is, unfortunately, influential and has the command of those mages who remained loyal to the Circle, as well as the ear of the Empress. They would be a valuable addition to our forces. I must think about what is best for the Inquisition and we need their numbers.’

‘Of course we can go with you, if going is the right thing to do,’ Cullen replied. ‘We will figure out the logistics in the next week.’

‘She will pretend to not know me, which is fine. I can pretend right back just as easily. I think it is best if we keep that up for the sake of the whole group. I don’t want it ruptured by my own personal feelings.’ Lea pulled a face at the thought.

‘Does anyone else know what happened?’ Cullen asked quietly.

‘Cassandara and Leliana probably, but no one else. I would prefer it stay that way. Could you ask…’ Lea felt so drained, she couldn’t find the right words.

‘I’ll talk to them, don’t worry,’ he said, holding her tighter. 'I'm so sorry that happened to you.'

Lea snuggled back into his arms once more, angled so she could look at the stars. They had been talking for so long she hadn’t realised how late it was.

Cullen was content to hold her too it seemed, stroking her hair, her back, her arms. She could stay this way for a long long time. Unable to resist, she let her hand reach the back of his neck and run her fingers across the exposed skin before it reached his armour, teasing the curls at the top of his neck at the same time.

She felt him relax even further into her much to her pleasure. Maker; this just felt so right!

‘Things like this happen all the time in Circles,’ Cullen said suddenly. Lea sat and listened; now it was his turn to talk.

‘I hated the manipulation that went on, that vying for power. It went against everything I had been taught, everything I believed in. We are there as Templars to protect those who use magic, not abuse them.’

She still continued to stroke his neck, her other hand holding his, taking her turn to comfort him.

‘I…Kinloch Hold changed me. I went to Kirkwall seeing danger in every mage, with so much anger. Initially I even agreed with Meredith’s stance, Maker help me. I always feel I did too little too late when I tried to stem the tide once I became Knight-Captain.’

‘I am not proud of what I did,’ Cullen whispered, her heart twisting to hear his anguish. ‘I have nightmares too. People who I was supposed to protect, lost in an overzealous fit of self-indulgence, believing that I was doing the best thing. I was a fool.’

Lea tightened her hold on his hand, pressed her head against him, trying so hard to offer him some support.

‘I am trying, Maker knows, I am trying to not be that man any more. But sometimes I am held back by my own fears, my latest nightmare – that one day I will have to battle a demon within you. It is irrational, with no foundation, but, I….damn, I have to protect you, Leaena. I can’t lose you.’

Tears had started to fall from her again, feeling for this wonderful man trying to find his way through the darkness that had been inflicted on him, trying to do his best in a world that was set up to inflict pain. She felt his lyrium seek her magic, needing that comfort and reassurance, needing to feel the very essence of her.

‘You can always protect me Cullen,’ Lea whispered back. ‘The best way to start is to trust me. Like I trust you. Everything flows from that.’

Cullen lifted her head from his shoulder, capturing her eyes with his and wiping her tears away. The fire burning within him consumed her with their overwhelming conflict of emotions; need, fear, uncertainty, want, desire, pain. And that something that was at the fore, the something that she was beginning to recognise, knew it was in her eyes too as she remained captivated by his gaze.

‘You do trust me, don’t you,’ he murmured. ‘I have a lot to learn from you, my lady.’

He kissed her then, ever so lightly, gently, before releasing them and holding her close again.

Lea could have spent the rest of the night like that, just being held by him, remembering the feel of his lips on hers, the electricity flowing between them.

They stayed there together for a while, not talking, just taking pleasure out of being with each other and letting the impact of their conversation sink in further - allowing themselves to recover.  

With a sigh, Lea stirred. ‘I could stay here all night with you, but I think that our departure tomorrow would be rather uncomfortable.’

Cullen nodded, reluctantly releasing her so they could both get up.

‘Leaena,’ he said softly, not letting go of her hand. ‘I believe it is my turn to thank you for this evening. Strange though it sounds, I still had a good time.’

‘So did I,’ she replied gently, not wanting him to let go of her hand. ‘I feel as if I’ve started to purge some negativity from me that I was carrying around for far too long.’

Turning away from the stars, they started to make their way back to camp.

‘So, my lady Herald, you want me to add several hundred mage allies to the ranks of the Inquisition,’ Cullen said with a smile in his voice.

‘Yes please, Commander,’ she replied with a grin.

‘You know,’ he said in a more serious tone, ‘as Commander of the Inquisition’s forces it is my job to ensure that everyone is looked after. It is as you say – many mages don’t know how to live independently yet. We need to have some sort of check system in place.’

‘Magic is but the tool,’ she replied. ‘Well, those were Solas’ words, but they make the point. There are good people and bad people. In mages, in Templars. I don’t think anyone is disagreeing that there doesn’t need to be something in place, just as you would for your soldiers. But that is for the future, and the Inquisition can lead on shaping what that would look like.’

‘True,’ Cullen conceded. ‘You are asking me, however, to place a lot of trust in hundreds of mages where we will almost certainly have a few demons in the group. I can’t have that running through the camp unchecked.’

‘I see your point,’ Lea said, thinking furiously. ‘Do we have enough Templars?’

‘Not really, certainly not for those numbers,’ Cullen replied. ‘Perhaps there is some sort of screening process we can use for when they first arrive. My mind would be more at ease then at least.’

‘I understand,’ she said, squeezing his hand to show she did. It would take time for Cullen but this was a huge positive step in the right direction and she didn’t want to do too much too soon.

‘And we mustn’t forget the situation at Therinfall Redoubt too. Leliana’s forward scouts may bring us some news soon. There will also be Templars all over Thedas who hear of our cause and wish to join, outside of Lucius’ control,’ she finished.

All too quickly they arrived back at the main camp, quiet in the darkness with the odd jingle of armour from a patrolling guard. Cullen identified her tent and walked her to it, making sure all her bags were inside.

Giving her another kiss on her cheek, holding her tightly again for just one moment before wishing her a good night, he left her. Lea smiled and crawled into her tent, too tired and emotionally wrung out to do anything but pull her boots off and pull up her bedroll.

She felt Cullen do the same, his lyrium calming as he rested, reaching out for her magic, waiting for her to doze off before he slept.

One last whispered thought crept into her mind before she sank into sleep.

_I might just be falling in love with you, Commander._


	30. The Waiting Game

  
_Thud._

_Thud._

_Thud._

Rubbing the back of his neck, Cullen eyed the target in front of him critically. All his daggers had landed pretty much spot on, but there was always room for improvement.

He walked forward to retrieve them and started again from further away. The loud, solid thump of each one hitting their mark again was still not satisfying his restlessness or the almost permanent headache pinching behind his eyes.

_Who am I kidding? I won’t be satisfied with anything until she returns._

Maybe he needed to go demon slaying. Kill something. Ask Alistair to point him in the direction of darkspawn. That might help. Anything than be stuck here, waiting for Leaena to come back.

After they had that one night in the Hinterlands he’d had to leave her again. There was no more reason for Cullen to stay once Cassandra made Master Dennett see reason. He’d at least been able to escort them part of the way before turning back on the path to Haven, feeling more empty the further away she was to his senses.

_I miss her laugh, the sound of her voice._

With a low growl of frustration, Cullen yanked the weapons out of the training dummy and repeated the exercise again, his daggers blurring in the air.

‘You’re losing your touch Cullen,’ a deep voice behind him laughed. ‘I remember a time when you were able to best me in a throwing contest even after seven hours straight in the Hanged Man.’

Cullen turned with a grin, clasping the other man by the hand. ‘Lord Cadan Trevelyan, by the Maker. You took your own sweet time getting to us.’

‘Alistair has been keeping me busy. You know, with mages and Templars having a hissy fit at each other, a huge hole in the sky, the Chantry destroyed, a few demons running around - oh, and a new Inquisition, all within his kingdom. So he’s sort of interested in knowing what’s going on.’ Cadan replied lightly.

‘I can imagine,’ Cullen replied, smiling at the way Cadan reflected the thinking of the rather unorthodox, yet highly effective, Ferelden king. He and Alistair knew each other from their days together in the Chantry and had remained in touch, albeit rather sporadically over the years.

‘We haven’t heard much from Alistair,’ Cullen started before thinking. ‘Wait, before we talk business, where are my manners? Have you been quartered anywhere? Been shown round?’

At this Cadan’s eyes darkened, although his tone stayed light. ‘I had the pleasure of reacquainting myself with your Ambassador as I understand Leliana is away in Kirkwall. She..ah..suggested I speak to you.’

‘Well that would explain the torrent of abuse in Antivan that I heard as I walked past her office earlier,’ Cullen said with a wry smile as they went to retrieve their daggers. ‘Did she get you with anything? There was one crash in particular that sounded like her new inkwell.’

‘No, fortunately my dashing charm and good looks live to fight another day. Josie has an excellent aim though. I had forgotten,’ Cadan replied.

‘She is quick with her knives,’ Cullen agreed. ‘She comes out to train here quite regularly when she has the spare time.’

He thought he’d park that little tidbit for Cadan to absorb. The man was a master in concealing his feelings, but it was apparent he was not happy with the way things were between him and Josephine. Cullen had no intention of interfering, but he felt for Cadan, who had been torn between love and duty.

_Haven’t we all been there? The least I can show is a little mercy._

‘I would appreciate a quick tour and being bought up to date. Where is Lea?’ Cadan asked as they walked towards the main village.

‘She’s on her way back from the Storm Coast. We expect the Herald’s party to be here any day now.’ Cullen kept his voice impassive, kept looking straight ahead as he replied.

His luck held. Cadan was still distracted by what had happened earlier with Josephine to notice Cullen’s slight change in tone whenever Leaena’s name was mentioned.

‘Excellent,’ Cadan brightened. ‘I can’t wait to see this Herald of Andraste. Maker, what a riot, that it fell to her of all people! It makes me keep the faith that His Bride would choose someone as special as my twin to fly the flag for sanity in Thedas.’

‘She has done a very good job of things so far,’ Cullen replied neutrally. ‘She’s closed all the fade rifts in most of Ferelden now, aside from one rather tricky one in front of Redcliffe. Even then, she’s probably left that for a reason – to keep the mages where they need to be for now. Along with sorting out the mage-templar nonsense and supporting those displaced by the fighting. Tell Alistair he owes her a big favour.’

Cadan grinned. ‘I have a report from him for you which we can discuss soon. But first – let’s grab a drink.’

‘That sounds like a good idea my friend,’ Cullen said, halting by the quartermaster and having a quick discussion. ‘There’s a spare lodge near Lea’s. We don’t have much here but I can at least give you some privacy.’

‘That’s good of you Cullen, thank you,’ Cadan said with a sigh. ‘Not having to bunk up with nine other stinking soldiers leaves me feeling most grateful. The first drink is on me.’

‘I’d much rather have King Alistair’s advisor in comparative luxury than some jumped up Orlesian noble who will do nothing but bitch about it anyway,’ Cullen chuckled as they headed towards Cadan’s lodgings. ‘Although it may be my turn to dodge the inkwell from our charming Ambassador in the morning.’

Cadan laughed. ‘So the Orlesians are in a tent? I’m honoured.’

‘That one there is Lea’s lodge,’ Cullen said, memories of her never far from the surface.

_Her hair feels like spun silk, her lips….Maker, I need to feel them against mine again._

Shaking his head slightly, Cullen opened another door. ‘This is yours. I’ll give you time to freshen up and wait for you in the tavern?’

‘Sounds great,’ Cadan replied. ‘I’ll see you in about ten minutes?’

Cullen nodded his assent as he walked back down towards the centre of the village. Getting to the tavern, he ordered two ales and sat down to wait for Cadan to arrive.

He absently went to the same spot he and Leaena had sat at the night before that explosive sparring session. Pulling his gloves off he closed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair, resting his head against the back wall trying to find some respite from his headache. Letting his mind wander, he let himself think of Leena for a few minutes before her twin arrived.

_Every time we speak, she leaves me more in awe, of her strength, her sheer determination._

He was horrified when she had told him the story of nearly being made a Tranquil. The idea that her the very thing that made her who she was could have been so brutally severed from her made him feel ill.

Cullen remembered with shame the brand being wielded for the same offences or even less in Kirkwall. He had, to some small credit at least, never agreed with them, but he’d mutely stood there and let it happen.

Leaena represented all those mages who he’d failed.

_Too little too late._

Everything she had said, everything she had explained, about the needs of mages, how there could be a new beginning, working in partnership with Templars rather than against, new ways of monitoring that were less draconian…..all of it he’d agreed with.

_I can’t lose her. Maker save me, I couldn’t kill her, possession or no._

Cullen acknowledged to himself that night that he was scared of mages having too much control. The way the Circles operated, the Templars controlling magic, the teachings of the Chantry – it was all he knew. But he had to try, had to make himself be more open-minded.

_I trust her. Or I am at least learning to._

Leaena had gone all that way out of her way to talk to him, share her thoughts to try and help him. She knew there was something deeper that he hadn’t discussed. It wasn’t often people realised what drove him, what made him react the way he did, why he needed to try and make amends, make sure it never happened again. But Leaena figured it out in a matter of seconds. And she didn’t push.

_When the time is right, I’ll tell her. All of it. I don’t want to worry her, bother her, not when the threat of the Breach still remains._

In such a short space of time, she had come to mean everything to him. His senses had been seeking her out these last two days, expectantly, waiting for him to return. His impatience was mounting.

Leaena had looked breathtaking in his arms that night and had felt even better as he'd held her. He hand't wanted to let her go. The touch of her cool fingers stroking his neck, teasing his hair, had nearly undone him. Even the very light kiss he’d given her, an attempt at trying to stem the rampaging need he had to do the job properly, had backfired. It had been all he could do to stop himself kissing her properly, making love to her there and then.

Cullen wanted more, wanted all of her. He would try to be patient; things would happen in the way they were meant to.

_Yes, just like that morning, or the night before. Really took your time didn’t you?_

Maker forgive him, he would repeat that incredible sparring session again and again if he had the chance. He could still feel the imprint of her trembling body on his, the sight of her face as she came branded on his memory.

For the hundredth time, Cullen reached for the letter he’d received a couple of days ago.

_Cullen,_

_The news you will want to hear first – we managed to rescue the soldiers in the Fallow Mire. It was quite the fight with the Avvar leader's son but we didn’t have too much trouble in the end. He spent more time roaring hilarious insults at us than actually doing anything useful. I hope the troops have made it back to Haven by now as there were a few injured._

_We even picked up a new Avvar agent as well which was unexpected._

_Maker, the Fallow Mire is a miserable place. I was relieved to get out, as were we all. If I never see another undead again it will be too soon._

_We had a bizarre time finalising our resources in the Hinterlands. Who in Andraste's name would suddenly start worshiping a hole in the sky that spat demons at you? Anyway, we signed them up to support us and Leliana should have some new spies in her network._

_There is one small task I must finish up at the Crossroads – I found a phylactery of all things - but aside from that, I think we have done what we can in the Hinterlands. There are reports of a dragon to the east, but if no one is dying then I would rather the Inquisition not split its resources right now._

_I’m pleased to report that Warden Blackwall will be joining the Inquisition’s forces and is making his way to Haven as I write. He is an excellent warrior – almost up to your standard - and should be an asset to you and the army. Use his skills as you will._

_I will confess to you that there seems to be something very off about the whole situation though. Something is not ringing true with his story, but I can’t place my finger on it. I have nothing to base my instincts on – just intuition, hence why I haven’t spoken to anyone else. Let’s talk about it further once I return to Haven and you’ve had a chance to meet him._

_The other interesting thing is that we have recruited the Chargers to join the Inquisition. You mentioned you were impressed with their work so again, I hope they prove to be a valuable resource for you. Did you know they are headed by the most enormous Qunari I’ve ever seen? His name is the Iron-Bull. I think you’ll like him; he says it how it is. Oh and Leliana is going to have raptures; he’s Ben-Hassrath. Which is the Qunari way of keeping an eye on the Inquisition – but in return we should receive some useful intelligence._

_Never say I don’t bring you back presents!_

_We scouted the Storm Coast further but found no sign of the Grey Wardens. They have moved on from here. But as a plus we’ve managed to close all the rifts and cleared out quite a few of the red lyrium nodes. Varric feels we have made good progress so that is something._

_Cullen, the stuff creeps me out – it all feels so wrong. I had the worst nightmares after being near them. So did Solas. Well, as far as Solas ever does any sleeping that is._

_There is one more area we need to clear of red lyrium, but it is closed off, coded somehow. I’ll ask Leliana to take a look._

_We need to figure out these shards as well – you remember those strange glowing things that we found in the Hinterlands? Well, there were more of them in the Storm Coast too. I don’t know how much of a priority we want to make it if we have to trek all the way to Orlais, but Solas is going to examine them first._

_Just reading all that back has made me feel tired. It has been another long two weeks but we are finally on our way to Haven tomorrow. I will be glad to feel the cold of the mountains again as opposed to this oppressive heat and permanent rain._

_Then we must travel to Val Royaeux very quickly. Varric said that there’s some sort of rendezvous set up and we should attend. So let’s kill two birds with one stone and get this Red Jenny and Vivienne business out of the way so we can focus on Redcliffe._

_I must just get over it and get on with it, and I am so pleased you will be there. Knowing I will have your strength next to me soon makes everything easier for me to bear. I am not sure I thanked you properly for listening that night at the farms, for understanding and not judging._

_Finally, I hate to put too many demands on your time, but I would welcome the opportunity to best you in a further sparring session at some point soon. I have been reflecting on our last round, and it seems the rewards for the victor are just as satisfying as when I was on the receiving end of your dagger. Next time, I fully intend to win to see if it is as good as I have been imagining._

_May Andraste bless us with a speedy journey home._

_L_

Cullen stared at it again. Just like he had every other time. It was so reflective of Leaena as a person, vivacious, impatient, funny, irreverent and just downright adorable in every way.

His eyes kept travelling back to the last paragraph, and even now, in this busy tavern with her twin brother about to join him, he felt himself harden at the thought of what she had in mind for their next bout.  

That black leather armour, with him taking it off her inch by tantalising inch, had been a permanent fixture in his dreams ever since he’d seen her in it.

_I am a lucky man._

He saw Cadan enter, and gestured for him to sit down. He watched Lea’s twin prowl, for want of a better word, across the tavern, noticing every single woman – not to mention a few men – eye him with interest. Cullen had to laugh as Cadan ignored it all in exactly the same way his sister did.

‘What did I do this time?’ Cadan asked good-naturedly as he joined Cullen at the table.

‘Just impressed at how you and your sister leave a trail of broken hearts in your wake everywhere you go,’ he chuckled. ‘Doesn’t it get boring?’

‘You saying you don’t Cullen?’ Cadan joked. ‘Lea told me there were even apprentices writing odes to your hair, such was their obsession with this glowing Templar sent by Andraste herself to whisk them away into the sunset. With your hair ablaze in the glory of the evening.’

Cullen pulled a face. ‘Shit, why would you remind me of that! I’d forgotten that particular piece of literary genius. I kept my hair so short for a year to try and avoid anyone commenting on it ever again!’

‘Did it work?’ Cadan asked in amusement.

‘Of course not; Maker save me from sixteen-year olds! Some were terrifyingly persistent. I figured I may as well learn to live with it and enjoy having hair again.’ Cullen laughed. ‘As a young Templar it was all flattering, I suppose, if somewhat embarrassing at times. I have little patience for that kind of thing these days. Were we ever so young?’

‘Never,’ Cadan winked. ‘Certainly never that stupid to write ballads about golden locks the shade of the morning sun and then sing them to a certain Templar whilst he was on duty at the Gallows entrance.’

Cullen let out a hearty laugh at the memory. ‘She got royally into trouble with Meredith, not to mention my getting grilled about why I had all these apprentices writing bloody awful songs about me. Maker’s Breath that was an uncomfortable meeting!’

Cadan grinned, reaching for his ale. ‘I was on the seas by then, so I left that kind of thing to Trystan to deal with.’

‘Yes, I imagine it was quite a different type of education you received in Isabela’s crew,’ Cullen replied. ‘How is she?’

‘Same as ever – calling herself an Admiral now. Of what I haven’t quite established, but she’s running quite an efficient operation out of Antiva focussing on relics, artefacts, that kind of thing.’

‘That woman’s involvement with the Arishok and that stupid book nearly finished the whole city off. But the nerve of her! I find I have to respect that, even if I’d rather not have been looking down the wrong end of a Qunari blade on more than one occasion as a result,’ Cullen said thoughtfully.

‘Is there anything the Raiders of the Waking Sea could bring to the Inquisition at all?’ he asked.

Cadan was quiet for a minute. ‘War is bad for business. Unless you are dealing in arms, which is all sewn up by the Carta mainly. So I don’t know right now but I will have a think and see if anything useful comes up. Everyone is waiting for this hole in the sky to be gone before they decide which way they will go. It’s really quite impressive in a grotesque kind of way, isn’t it?’ he finished, looking out the window at the Breach.

‘Yes, in that sense,’ Cullen replied. ‘The explosion was like nothing I ever hope to see again.’

‘What happened Cullen?’ Cadan asked softly. ‘What happened to my sister?’

Cullen sighed. ‘How much time do you have?’

\----------

Three hours - and several ales - later Cullen had finally finished explaining the whole story of the Inquisition, Leanea’s role, and how much progress they had made.

At some point Cadan had suggested they go back to the training dummies. Throwing daggers helped him think, apparently.

Cullen couldn’t argue with that – the man was right.

They’d also lost count of the amount of ales they’d had.

Shrugging it off – one more couldn’t hurt after all – he took another drink. And it felt good to talk to someone outside the Inquisition who still understood what they were going through.

Cadan had swung from regret, to sorrow, to professional interest during their conversation. But on the last piece of information he was furious.

‘That fucking whore,’ - _thud_  – ‘had the barefaced cheek to’ – _thud_  – ‘send my sister a letter? She’s fucking lucky I’ve’ – _thud_  – ‘had more important people than her to’ – _thud_  – ‘kill otherwise she’d be gutted like the - _thud_  - sewer rat she is by now,’ Cadan hissed, going to collect his daggers.

Then something else occurred to him and he looked at Cullen very closely.

‘Did Lea tell you what happened in Montsimmard?’ he asked.

‘She did,’ Cullen replied evenly, focusing on his target.

‘And?’ Cadan asked.

‘What are you hinting at Cadan? Just say what you mean - don’t give me this double-guessing bullshit,’ Cullen growled, letting his dagger fly with a precise, lethal flick of his wrist. Any mention of Leaena hit a nerve at the best of times, and he was well past his tolerance point.

‘What is between you and my sister?’ Cadan asked slowly.

There was just the sound of Cullen’s daggers hitting the target time and time again, each one harder and faster than the last.

_I’m falling in love with her._

‘I would give my life to protect hers,’ he said simply, walking to the dummy.

‘Fuck it, those last two were off,’ he complained.

Cadan relaxed, standing back for a moment and looking at Cullen’s dummy. ‘It’s as I said earlier Cullen, you’ve lost your touch.’ He waited a second before carrying on.

‘Look, what Lea gets up to is not my business. I’m actually pleased as she’s probably met her match in you.’ Cadan exhaled in frustration, dragging a hand through his already unruly dark hair.

‘But she’s not just my sister, she’s my twin. These last few weeks have been fucking insane. Imagine, being told the other half of you is the fucking Herald of Andraste? What does it even mean aside from the fact she can seal up shit in the sky with a green fire in her hand? Is she ok? That’s all me and my family care about.’

Cadan turned back to his daggers, moving further back before taking his next shot.

‘When she was in the Circle it was fine because Trystan was there too. She was protected. We all have sheltered her too much I guess,’ he admitted. ‘But she is special to us, unique and we need to make sure she has the support she needs to see this whole crazy thing through.’

_She is more precious to me than you’ll ever know._

‘Cadan, I know,’ Cullen said, slumping against the railing a bit, feeling the sheer enormity of it all weigh him down. ‘I understand.’

He gave a dry chuckle. ‘If it makes you feel any better, Leliana nearly fainted when she realised who she’d put in chains in the Chantry dungeon. And it got even worse when Cassandra refused to release her.’

‘Maker, I bet,’ Cadan laughed, taking his line up at the dummy, letting six daggers fly in quick succession. ‘It’s character building, being in a dungeon. It would have been good for her. Lea can take it.’

‘Are you losing your touch, Cadan or is that second one slightly to the left?’ Cullen grinned.

‘Are you criticising my skill, Cullen, or would you like to put your money where your mouth is?’ Cadan challenged him.

\-------

It was what he had been waiting for these last three days. His senses had been almost permanently searching, seeking that trace signature that was all Leaena. And there it was, just beyond the Haven boundaries. It was super faint, but she was nearly here. She was home.

He felt shaken again at the force of how her magic and his lyrium met. Even at this distance, it felt incredible.

_Come to me. Maker, I have missed you so much._

He and Cadan had spent another amiable twenty minutes or so at the dummies. So far he’d not done too badly against a man renowned for his lethal abilities with a dagger. He’d even managed to relax, more than at any other time these last two weeks.

Now, knowing Leaena was back in the village, his heart soared. Picking up a dagger, he hurled it with such force at the dummy it nearly knocked the head off.  

Cadan looked at him in surprise. ‘That’s your best throw yet. Twenty silvers to you. Perhaps you haven’t lost your skill after all. Have you seen Lea with daggers?’

_Make me come....only you, Templar, mage, danger, irresistible…_

_I want you, I need to see you._

He nearly couldn’t speak, the feel of her getting stronger by the second, the memory of his dagger at her neck, her eyes ablaze with her want for him.

‘I’ve seen her train with them, yes,’ he replied. Somehow. ‘She’s very accomplished. Your work?’

‘I like to think so,’ Cadan grinned.

‘You’ll be able to get her to show you her latest skills soon. She’s nearly here.’

Cadan was baffled. ‘How do you know that?’ 

‘Templar. Mage. That kind of thing,’ Cullen said nonchalantly, hurling another dagger from ten feet away and absently watching the target fall off the block.

 _Maker, this feels so fucking good, to feel your magic inside me again._  

‘But I’ve not heard of the link being so strong from so far away,’ Cadan was incredulous.

‘It is somewhat different from what I’m used to, yes,’ Cullen replied, letting another dagger go. ‘That’s another fifty silvers you owe me.’

‘Where is she then?’ Cadan demanded.

_I need you._

Cullen stopped, reached for his drink and waited a second. And smiled. ‘She’s not far. She’s in the village.’

Cadan had caught the look on Cullen’s face, watching him for a moment. ‘So that’s the way it is,’ he said, for the first time with no mockery in his voice.

‘Like what?’ Cullen asked, aiming his dagger and flinging it.

‘You’ll figure it out,’ Cadan replied quietly, with a hint of a grin.

Cullen said nothing, still smiling as he lined up his last shot. Just as he let it fly, a shock surged through him, making him stumble.

‘Fuck!’

His abilities and her magic had met again, the force erupting inside him as he released the dagger.

‘Cullen, you really have lost it,’ Cadan laughed, ‘that’s fifty silvers to me.’

‘Cadan Trevelyan you bastard, how dare you get my Commander drunk the moment you set foot in Haven! And without the rest of us here to join the fun!’

‘Hey, it's never too late,’ Cadan protested, speech slurring slightly. ‘And we did work. Besides, Cullen needed the practice!’

‘I do believe I was a gold up on you until a moment ago, Trevelyan, don’t get cocky,’ Cullen laughed.

_How did I manage to sound normal when I am struggling to hide how hard I am?_

Everyone else around them were shouting greetings, catching up, making introductions.

He had turned even before the sound of her low musical voice rang out, feeling alive in a way he hadn’t done for the last two weeks. There she was, standing with that beautiful smile, face aglow, hair falling down around her shoulders, laughing at them both, hugging her brother then walking towards him….fuck, in that armour!

He felt almost paralysed, remembering sliding his hand down her trousers, tasting her juices, the fucking amazing feeling of how wet she was, her moans as he took her to the edge.

Her magic was firmly linked with his senses once more, the seductive notes winding around him, making his cock even harder.

‘Hello, Cullen. Did my brother challenge you? I hope you’re kicking his ass.’ Leaena said, standing right in front of him, smiling, eyes just for him.

His need for her intensified with her every step she took forward.  

‘Leaena’ he replied softly, as the two of them stood for a second, as if they were the only two people in the world. ‘I was. Until I got distracted.’  

‘Commander, you do have a way with daggers, don’t you,’ she murmured, letting her eyes slide to the training dummy for a second before meeting his eyes again. Hers were dark blue, burning with her desire and need for him.

‘I find myself disappointed that you decided to play without me. I do hope that’s a situation you’re planning on rectifying soon.’

Cullen felt his desire for Leaena course through his body at lightning speed. His lyrium reached out, pulled her magic closer, letting her feel exactly what she was doing to him already, even in these few short moments.

‘Practice makes perfect.’ He smiled lazily at her, enjoying seeing her reaction to his words as a look of hunger and heat appeared in her eyes as their meaning sank in. Remembering.

He leaned forward, feeling her skin on his cheek, letting his voice drift quietly across her ear, revelling in her slight shiver. ‘Surely you should know, my lady, that playing with you is infinitely better than any practice I do on my own.’

The intensity in which she looked at him then nearly knocked him off his feet.

_You are so beautiful._

‘Well, Commander,’ she replied, her voice so thick with lust it was nearly a whisper, ‘When do you suggest I put you to the test?’

He looked at her, his blood roaring in his ears, his eyes not bothering to hide how badly he wanted her.

_Fuck being patient. I want to make you my own._

Lea didn’t move her eyes from his face, showing him how much she needed him, to feel him, to be with him.

‘We travel to Val Royaeux in two days. Tomorrow morning, same place and time?’ she managed to say, her whole body turned towards his, radiating heat and desire. 

Cullen nodded, a slow smile on his lips, the scent of her rising from her flushed skin making it hard for him to breathe. ‘Your choice of weapons, my lady. I’ll let you set the rules this time.’

She gave him a look filled with nothing but pure lust. 

_I want you, I need you._

‘Get ready to lose, by the way. I don’t think I’ve ever looked forward to a reward more.’ That tongue of hers that he'd spent hours thinking about darted out as she bit her bottom lip.

‘Are you so sure about that, my lady? I play to win,’ Cullen said huskily, knowing his eyes were blazing, undressing her on the spot, replaying his fantasy of slowly inching her perfect body out of that armour inch by inch whilst he kissed, nipped and tasted every inch of her skin.  

‘I wouldn’t expect anything less from you, Commander. That is what makes the reward all the more worthwhile,’ she smiled sweetly, his senses being told in no doubt as to her intention.

_What did I do to deserve you? You are perfection._

Suddenly a dagger double the size of any they had been using sailed through the air, planting itself directly in the middle of all the others with perfect precision.

_Well, nothing like a Qunari blade to ruin the moment._

Cadan blinked slightly blearily, looking away from his conversation with Varric. ‘Cullen, I’d suggest you sack your guards. You've got a Ben-Hassrath running loose around your camp.’

‘Boss,’ a big voice boomed, ‘why didn’t you say there would be beer, knives and gambling here? This is what I’m talking about!’

‘Yea,’ a Tevinter accent complained. ‘We would have made it to Haven so much faster!’

‘Well, as it turns out, I just so happen to have my betting book right here,’ Varric grinned. ‘If anyone is interested.’

It all went downhill from there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because, you know, Cullen and daggers. Quite possibly my favourite cut scene in the whole game. Swoon.


	31. No contest

_Oh Maker, how does one man manage to look so fucking good just throwing daggers?_

It was impossible for Lea to completely surprise Cullen – she’d sensed him looking for her from just outside of Haven. But she did have the luxury of standing back just for a few seconds as he hurled one dagger after another at the training dummy with deadly accuracy.

Daggers and Cullen worked very well together. They’d hold a special place in her memories for as long as she lived. There wasn’t a day that went by when she didn’t remember his face centimetres from hers, eyes blazing molten gold with need, dagger to her throat, making her yield.

_Just the way I wanted it. How does he know me so well?_

Just watching him now raise one arm and almost dismissively land his dagger in the target had made heat rise in her. All his raw power and strength channelled into that one perfect throw.

_Damn, I missed you._

Strolling forward, she shook slightly with the overwhelming feeling of his senses literally grabbing her magic, which had danced out singing to meet him.

At that moment she heard Cullen swear loudly as his dagger missed his mark, her twin making a derogatory joke at his expense. 

Trying not to laugh, she realised the Advisor to the Ferelden Kingdom and the Commander of the Inquisition were both exceedingly drunk.

‘Shit, he’s pissed as a nug and still can throw like that? Curly isn’t such a lost cause after all,’ Varric grinned. He’d come with her to catch up with Cadan whilst the others went to rest after the arduous trip.

Lea couldn’t wait that long.

Cullen’s iron control was legendary across the camp, but even so, Lea was impressed. The only other person capable of that, after the drinking session these two were clearly in the middle of, was Cadan. Who looked like he was currently losing, she was delighted to note, as she walked towards them both.

_It’s good to see this armour still has the desired effect._

Lea was looking right at him as he turned to her, her heart soaring as she saw him again for the first time in weeks, heat rising in her as she saw – felt – what he was thinking. What he wanted. The tawny-golden fire in his eyes was ablaze with desire.

_How much he missed me. How much he needs me like I need him._

She quickly turned and gave Cadan a hug, before Varric claimed her twin’s time. Bless Varric for allowing her a couple of precious minutes with him alone.

Lea could barely hear what Cullen was saying, she was so overwhelmed with nothing but lust and want for this fucking gorgeous man. As he whispered to her, his breath bringing goosebumps over her skin, he reminded Lea of that explosive night where she’d felt him making himself come, just as he’d felt her.

_Maker’s Breath, did he just suggest what I think he did?!_

Her head was filled with nothing but the unbelievably hot image of Cullen stroking his thick cock, thinking of her, the taste of her, the feel of her, tight and wet, on his fingers, before he came hard.

Missing her. Wanting the real thing.

Lea thought she was about to implode from sheer need. Cullen’s eyes had darkened from tawny-golden to an amber fire, devouring her body, making no secret of what he wanted.

_Fuck, you smell so damned good. I want to taste you._

Andraste be praised, they managed to somehow make arrangements for tomorrow before she did something completely foolhardly and tore all his clothes off there and then.

Her magic had reached a fever pitch again, ecstatically twisting around his lyrium, his senses clamouring towards her, demanding more.

_I’m fucking done. I want this man, I need him. He is everything. What am I waiting for, playing these bullshit games?_

Bull’s dagger tore through the sexual tension between the two.

‘Reality intrudes again,’ she whispered ruefully to him as he nodded irritably in agreement.

‘Later,’ he whispered back, his eyes still filled with his need for her. That indescribable something that had been lurking in his depths was now right at the forefront, making her heart sing as his lyrium pulling her magic in even closer - safe, protected.

_Oh Andraste has blessed me._

‘What the fuck did you bring home Leaena,’ he said in astonishment. ‘He’s even bigger than the Arishok!’

‘Come, meet the Iron Bull and his team,’ she said, taking his hand as they re-entered the world again. He gripped it tightly, sending shocks of pleasure through her body at his simple touch.

\------

Laughing as Bull called out to her, Leaena walked over and introduced Cullen and Cadan to the Chargers, reluctantly releasing Cullen’s hand.

‘Commander, this is the leader of the Chargers, the Iron-Bull. Bull, this is Commander Cullen Rutherford, leader of the Inquisition forces.’

‘Welcome to the Inquisition, Chargers,’ he said. ‘I’m sorry to have not been more prepared for your arrival.’

‘Are you kidding me Cullen?’ Bull roared back. ‘You got beer, you got daggers, you got women, you got gambling. This is perfect! Now, just throw some redheads into the mix and we’ll have a real party going.’

Cullen laughed. ‘I’m pleased to hear that it’s so easy to accommodate you all, unlike some of our other guests! Go get a drink and come and join us when you are ready. I take it your quarters have been arranged?’

_I love to hear your laugh. You sound so good._

‘Yea, yea, we’re good. Now onto the important stuff,’ Bull grinned. ‘Krem, go get some of those barrels the dwarf likes and bring them over here. Save the tavern staff the trouble.’

‘On it, Chief,’ Krem disappeared down the road with the rest of the company.

‘And this is my brother, Lord Cadan Trevelyan,’ Lea said, as the two of them shook hands.

‘King Alistair’s man? How did a Marcher smuggler end up working for Ferelden? He save your ass from that Qunari raid?’

Cadan laughed. ‘That was quite some night. Shit, I’ve never fought so hard in my life. Your brethren put up a good fight.’

‘We are the Qun. It’s what we do,’ Bull grinned. ‘How’s that Isabela getting on? Batshit crazy, but what a woman!’

‘Still crazy, still a whole lot of woman,’ Cadan agreed. ‘Working out of Antiva now.’

‘Hmm, safer than stealing from the Arishok. Only marginally, mind you. Krem,’ he bellowed, ‘get those barrels here! A man’s gotta drink after a journey like that!’

‘Sure, sure, Chief. Whatever,’ the Tevinter waved him away.

‘That’s Krem, guys, my lieutenant. He’s alright, for a Vint,’ he grinned.

‘At least I’m not a bastard like you Qunari,’ Krem called. ‘Now, who’s for an ale?’

‘I thought you’d never ask,’ Varric sighed happily. 

‘So,’ Bull said, looking around. ‘You guys having a competition here or what?’

Cadan shrugged. ‘Of sorts. Daggers in my hand help me think better.’

‘Never have I heard a truer statement, friend!’ Bull roared, clapping Cadan on the back and nearly sending him flying.

Lea and Cullen both gave up and starting laughing.

‘Let’s make things more interesting. Everyone who wants to take part say so now. Varric’s got his book and will run the odds. I need me some action after being sat on a horse for so fucking long,’ Bull moved up to the targets and despatched his knives in rapid succession.

‘You two gents have one up on us as well. You’ve been drinking all afternoon. We’ve got some catching up to do!’

Bull turned and spoke to his men for a moment.

‘Did I just get roped into a throwing match with a Ben-Hassrath or have I really drunk that much?’ Cadan wondered, taking a long drink from his mug.

Just as Lea was about to reply, someone else beat her to it.

‘The Lord Trevelyan I remember would never have doubted his abilities against a mere Qunari spy,’ a soft voice cut through the air.

‘Quite,’ a lighter voice agreed. ‘He would have been the first to show the Qunari who was master.’

‘Leliana’s back?’ Cullen said in confusion. ‘How long have I been out here for?’

Lea giggled, turning to watch the two women walk towards the group.

‘Ohhh Josephine’s pissed,’ Lea whispered to Cullen. ‘But doesn’t she look fabulous!’

‘She’s not you,’ was all she heard, a blush suffusing her cheeks.

‘Maker, it will be worth the hangover tomorrow to watch Cadan manage this,’ Cullen chuckled.

Trying to stifle their laughter once more, they turned to watch, waving their greeting to the two women walking past to Cadan who, for once, couldn’t hide his discomfort.

Josephine had come down dressed for practice, her dark red leather armour fitting her body perfectly, long hair down behind her back. Leliana too was dressed similarly with her armour in grey. Both of them had their daggers on their backs and in their boots.

‘Herald,’ Leliana said with approval looking at the Iron Bull, ‘did you bring me back a Ben-Hassrath to play with? That was too kind of you.'

‘I aim to please, Leliana, you know that,’ she laughed. ‘This is the Iron Bull, Leliana and Josephine,’ Lea made the introductions. ‘Bull, this is our Ambassador and Nightingale.’

‘Sister Leliana I know of course by reputation,’ Bull said, returning the look of approval straight back to Leliana. ‘But you didn’t tell me about the hair boss! You just made my day -  a master spy who’s a damned fine-looking redhead.’

Leliana smiled and inclined her head, accepting the compliment.

‘Doesn’t take much does it. He is simple to keep,’ Krem quipped.

Both women laughed, welcoming Bull and the Chargers to the Inquisition.

‘Cullen you naughty man, how long have you been here, keeping Cadan from us?’ Leliana purred.

‘Long enough to be regretting it now,’ he replied steadily.

‘Never regret it, Commander,’ Josephine said, her eyes unwavering from Cadan’s face. ‘We’re delighted to join in this impromptu competition the Iron Bull has established this evening. Varric, would you mind entering mine and Sister Leliana’s names in the lists?’

‘Your wish is my command, my lady Ambassador,’ Varric scribbled quickly.

Lea took pity on her twin, walking over to him. He’d come all this way and she’d barely said two words to him.

‘Not that I’m accusing you of backing down from a fight or anything,’ she said quietly, ‘but do you want to get out of here? Cullen and I can take you somewhere else.’

Cadan’s expression softened as he looked at her, his voice losing the slurring she’d noticed earlier. ‘This has been a long time coming. Leliana and I are old friends, but Josephine deserves every pound of flesh she tears from me. I wouldn’t begrudge her one minute of it. I deserve it.’

He looked at her then, hard. ‘Leaena, don’t sacrifice love for duty. Promise me?’ He looked back at Josephine briefly before returning to her. ‘It’s never worth it. I can see what you and Cullen have between you, see how happy you are. That is rare. Embrace it. I know how hard it is for you to trust. But with that one, you can.’

She nodded wordlessly, her heart breaking at the pain in his voice. ‘I’m sorry coming here has hurt you Cadan. And yes,’ her voice dropping to a whisper as she looked over at Cullen, who hadn’t taken his eyes off her since she left his side, ‘I can trust him.’

‘It is high time me and Josie put an end to this. Do not worry sister; all is in the Maker’s hands. Enjoy yourself,’ he said tonelessly as he pushed himself off the post and gave Varric his name.  

\--------

‘Commander,’ Leliana called, ‘I believe it is yours, and the Herald’s, duty to put your names down.’

‘Against this lot? My skills are not with a blade, Leliana,’ Lea laughed.

‘I beg to differ, Herald,’ Cullen said, giving her a wicked grin that sent sparks straight to her core. ‘I have it on very good authority that you are actually quite an expert with your daggers.’

‘Shit,’ she said flushing, ‘I’m outed. Alright then, Varric, stick my name down too although I doubt I’ll last long. Where is the Seeker? I’m not getting roped in unless she does.’

‘She said she had no time for such frivolities,’ Josephine replied, eyes dancing.

‘What bollocks,’ Cullen said, calling for a guard. ‘Go and tell the Seeker to get herself up here or I’ll have her on latrine duty for the next week. She owes me a favour – she can repay it this way or by cleaning stalls.’

‘Cadan, what did you do to our Commander this afternoon?’ Leliana said with mirth.

'Not my doing, Leliana, I assure you,' Caden replied with a wink to her. She took his meaning, judging by the broad smile that then appeared on her face.

‘Is that everyone?’ Varric asked, looking around as a disgruntled Cassandra appeared.

‘What is the meaning of this Cullen?’ she thundered.

‘Live a little, Cassandra,’ Cullen said with a grin, tossing her a blade that she automatically caught.

‘Urgh’ she said with disgust, gesturing Varric to put her name down.

Cadan’s brows rose in admiration. ‘That’s your Seeker?’ he asked Cullen.

‘The one and only,’ he said dryly. ‘She’s only terrifying for her own amusement.’

\-------

It actually turned out to be great fun. People drew straws who to compete with and then the winners from each round played the other. The villagers all came to watch, enjoying seeing the Inquisition leaders relaxing and giving them an opportunity to meet the new mercenary company.

Lea lost out in the first round to a member of the Chargers, and Cullen lost to Josephine in the final four. Deliberately, she suspected, as it then was Cadan and Josephine in the finals.

She smiled up at Cullen as he came to sit next to her. ‘That was impressive, Cullen.’

‘I’m feeling the effects of too much ale, I have to be honest. And Josephine needs this.’

‘She does doesn’t she?’ Lea murmured. ‘Cadan hasn’t stopped looking at her since she arrived.’

‘He got a taste of her temper earlier,’ Cullen grinned. ‘I feel for him. He had a difficult decision to make which caused their rift. Anyway, enough about them – they need to work through it themselves. Do you want to slip away and go for a walk?’

Lea’s face brightened. ‘I would love that. Let’s go.’

He gave her his hand and helped her up and, much to her girlish delight, didn’t let it go as they walked through the village. No one paid any attention to them leaving, everyone being too focussed on the final.

The moon was out by now, the stars glowing in the sky. The Breach was its usual inescapable presence, green and looming. Lea shivered a bit as she looked at it, the thought she had suppressed earlier rising to the fore, giving her chills.

‘Are you cold, Leaena?’ Cullen asked, then stopped himself. ‘Why am I asking that?’

She giggled. ‘I do get cold sometimes. But…’

He unclasped his cloak and draped it round her. ‘No demanding I take it back, my lady.’

She looked up at him, her eyes shining at his thoughtfulness.

‘Thank you Cullen, I appreciate it. And it smells of you, which makes it even better. You smell amazing; I miss it so much when I’m away,’ she finished, half-talking to herself.

She was gratified to see a blush creep across his cheeks. At least she hadn’t made a total idiot out of herself.

‘I’m glad you approve, my lady,’ he said with a smile pulling at his lips as he watched her disappear underneath the sheer size of his cloak.

‘Shall we walk to the jetty?’ she suggested.

He agreed and they headed over, his hand still holding hers, as if they were just a normal couple in the village having an evening walk together. No responsibilities, no one telling them to save the world.

‘What’s on your mind, Leaena?’ Cullen asked.

‘I was just thinking how nice it is to be doing something as simple as going for a walk with you without so many demands on our time. Just to be Leaena and Cullen, not Herald of Andraste and Commander of the Inquisition.’

She sighed. ‘I have hardly been in Haven since the Breach opened. There is always such urgency to have things finished, there’s no time to stop and think. Perhaps that is deliberate on my part.’

They had reached the jetty. Lea remained standing for a minute, looking out over the frozen water, at the moonlight and the Breach reflected in its icy depths.

‘I have to admit that I am frightened Cullen,’ she whispered, her eyes not meeting his for the shame she felt in admitting such a thing. ‘I don’t want to die when I seal that Breach. I only just found you. Forget what I said about a Circle locking me up and taking me away from you – my immediate concern is not getting swallowed up by green fire. ’

He said nothing, just pulled her towards him again, with her head on his chest, holding her tightly, both arms crossed over her back. Her arms wrapped around his waist, drawing comfort and strength from his hard, warm body.

_I could spend the rest of my life like this, held by you._

_Maker, did I say that out loud?!_

Cullen put one hand on her face again, tilting her towards him, his thumb stroking away the unshed tears. She relaxed further into his hand, moved by the force of what was in his eyes. 

‘You won’t die. You won’t be lost. I will be with you every step of the way,’ he whispered to her, his voice shaking slightly with the force of his emotions. ‘Never be afraid Leaena. You are far and away the bravest person I know.’

‘And,’ he said with that gentle smile on his lips again, ‘for what it’s worth, I could spend the rest of my life like this, held by you as well.’

Lea’s face was aflame, but her magic was singing to him, calling him to come closer. She buried her head in his chest, embarrassed as he stroked her hair. ‘You weren’t meant to hear that,’ she groaned in a muffled voice.

‘Did my lady Herald drink a bit too much earlier?’ he teased.

She laughed, raising her eyes to his once again, delighting in the heat and warmth that she saw within. ‘I only had a couple. I don’t think that it was nearly as much as you and my brother, Commander.’

‘No,’ he agreed ruefully. ‘I’ll have to ask Solas for that hangover cure, although I'm sober again now. I admit I was getting so impatient for your return.’

‘I’m sorry,’ she replied softly. ‘I didn’t mean to be late. But did you read in my letter that we found a phylactery?’

He nodded, waiting for her to talk.

‘It was on a Templar. He had gone into the Hinterlands to find the phylactery of his long-time partner. He was just returning to her in the Crossroads when he was ambushed and killed by apostates. I had to find her, to return it to her…’

She broke off, composing herself. ‘It was so sad, Cullen,’ she whispered. ‘They were just about to be together for the first time until war tore them apart permanently. The stark pain in her eyes as I told her he was dead? That seared through me. They had been together for years, living life in secret in the Circle. Only to have this one chance, destroyed forever.’

Her eyes turned to the Breach again before looking back at Cullen’s tawny-gold eyes, smouldering like embers, filled with understanding, compassion and that something she wouldn’t put a word to yet. Couldn’t. Not until the Breach was closed.

_I’m falling in love with you. Faster and faster every day._

‘I do not want to bugger around in Val Royaeux playing other people’s games. I want to go to Redcliffe, get those mages and then get that thing finished,’ she said, her voice trembling. ‘I want to know that I won’t die when I close it. I want to know that when it is closed, the Inquisition can move on and find the bastards that did it.’

She took a deep breath. ‘I want….’ her chest constricted, ‘I want to know that what happened to that mage and Templar isn’t going to happen to you and me.’

Lea stopped talking, dropping her head back down onto Cullen’s chest, suddenly feeling exhausted. He continued stroking her hair, holding her in his arms.

‘It isn’t going to happen Leaena,’ he said firmly. ‘I promise you. No matter what happens, you and I will come through it. Together. The Maker has sent you to us – I truly believe this. We will find a way.’

She didn’t reply, just enjoyed being held by him, loving the feel of his solid muscles, his strength, wrapped around her.

‘I have a suggestion,’ Cullen said quietly. ‘Why do we not ride to Val Royaeux tomorrow? And get this finished like you say. Then you can go straight to Redcliffe? A day in the grand scheme of things is not much, but it takes you to your goal that one step earlier, maybe making you feel a bit better.’

She looked at him, eyes full of relief. ‘You wouldn’t mind? Would the others?’

‘They understand. They all want the Breach closed as much as we do. Although you may need to ask Solas to take quite a lot of stock with him after tonight.’

‘Then let’s do it,’ she said, lifting her head. ‘The sooner the better. I am resentful enough of having to go in the first place.’

_Maker take it. I'm not dancing around this any more._

‘I’m sorry about tomorrow morning,’ Lea said softly. ‘Do you have any idea how much I want you Cullen?’

‘We can enjoy one another after the urgency of the Breach is dealt with,’ Cullen whispered, holding her face with both his hands, capturing her gaze.

His eyes were on fire, taking her breath away with their intensity and making her heart stop with what was written plainly there for the first time. Her magic sang, entwining round him as close as it could. She felt his senses respond in kind, pulling her close to him, not wanting to ever let go.

‘When I make love to you, Leaena, it will be when I have the time to show you properly how much I have wanted you, needed you, from the moment I set eyes on you.’

Gently, he pressed his lips to hers.

_Oh, I’m not just falling._

_I’m in love with you, Commander Cullen._


	32. Say What?

Cullen looked around the dark back streets where the note from this mysterious Red Jenny group had led them.

‘I don’t like the look of this, Leaena,’ he said. ‘This has ambush written all over it.’

‘It does rather, doesn’t it,’ she replied, her eyes scanning the rooftops, looking for archers. Behind her, he heard Varric slinging his crossbow into his hands and Cassandra drawing her sword. Leaena had already been holding her magic at the ready for some time.

He led the way stealthily round the corner, seeing three armed guards ahead. Leaena and Varric gestured towards the archer on the terrace, Cassandra nodding when he inclined his head to the two at the foot of the stairs.

Quickly, they launched their attack, easily despatching their opponents in minutes.

‘Well, Bianca’s excited,’ Varric complained. ‘Are there no more? I’d hate to neglect her.’

‘We may be in luck, Varric,’ Leanea replied. ‘There’s a door I think we have to go through over there.’

The four of them walked up the stairs, still keeping an eye out for any other potential threats.

_Maker, she looks phenomenal when she fights._

He’d traded places with Solas, who was all too happy to switch and sit with his books. Leaena hadn’t said anything, just stood there watching him with that lovely smile he now knew was reserved just for him.

She also hadn’t hidden the anticipation in her eyes of actually seeing him in a proper battle for the first time since that madness on the battlements. Her eyes had those icy flames of desire he recognised, burning with the expectation of what was to come.

_You are not the only one, my lady._

More enemies would have been fun but, so far, he was not too disappointed. Leaena was a rare talent with her magic, and beautiful to match.

_And she is mine. Maker take it, I cannot wait for this Breach to be closed so I can show her._

They reached the door, three of them tensing as they felt the use of magic behind it. Leaena silently cast a barrier as he slowly opened the door.

A blast of flame hurtled past them harmlessly as they ran in, followed by another.

‘Aah, the Herald of Andraste,’ an Orlesian noble said slowly as they stopped in front of him. ‘How much did you expect to discover here? It must have weakened the Inquisition immeasurably,’ he spat out.

Leaena walked up to him, her noble arrogance draped round her as she waved her hand languidly at him. ‘Really?’ she said, her voice laden with contempt, ‘is that the best you can do? A couple of puny fireballs that weren’t even on target?’

‘How unfortunate for you,’ she continued with malice, ‘that I don’t even know who you are. Your standing within the Great Game must be weak indeed.'

‘You don’t fool me,’ the noble shrilled angrily, just as Cullen sensed someone else coming into the room, making him tense.

‘I am too important for this to be an accident! My efforts will survive in victories against you elsewhere…..’ he broke off at the sight of his guard being slain by a ragged-looking elf, who then aimed her bow straight at the noble.

‘Just say, what!’ the elf called out.

Cullen looked at everyone else, sensing Leaena’s confusion.

The noble looked taken aback. ‘What is the…..’

He dropped to the floor, dead, an arrow through his head.

‘Uuurgh!’ the elf complained, then looked at the body on the floor. ‘Squishy one, but you heard me right? ‘Just say what!’ Rich tits always try for more than they deserve.’ She kicked the corpse on the floor contemptuously.

Impassively, the four of them looked at him, then at her, then at each other. Cullen could sense Leaena's laughter beginning to bubble up.

_Don’t make me laugh, Leaena._

‘She has a point,’ Varric whispered. 'He did say yes after all..'

‘Blah blah blah,’ the elf continued as she retrieved her arrow – messily. ‘Obey me, arrow in my face.’  

She turned to the group, looking at Leaena.

‘So,’ she said. ‘You followed the notes well enough. Glad to see you’re……’

She broke off, a look of surprise on her face. ’You’re kind of plain, really. All that talk, and then you’re just…..a person.’

Cullen could feel Leaena’s wonderful sense of ridiculous that she had taking over, making him struggle to keep a straight face.

‘What were you expecting exactly?’ she asked the elf, tilting her head to one side a bit.

‘I mean, it’s all good, innit?’ the elf chirped. ‘The important thing is: you glow? You’re the Herald thingy?’

‘Sure, why not? I glow.’ Leaena replied, eyes wide for moment before narrowing. ‘Now, what’s going on?’

‘No idea,’ the elf said cheerfully. ‘I don’t know this idiot for manners. My people just said the Inquisition should look at him.’

‘Your people? Elves? This is getting rather confusing,’ Leaena said quietly, Cullen sensing her impatience on the rise.

‘No!’ the elf replied quickly, ‘people people. Name’s Sera. This is cover. Get round it. For the reinforcements! Don’t worry, someone tipped me their equipment shed. They’ve got no breeches,’ she ended on a giggle, just as more armed guards burst through the doors.

Leaena immediately cast a barrier over everyone, Cullen and Cassandra running out in front of them. Around ten guards had appeared in the tightly confined space.

‘She stole their breeches?’ Cassandra said in confusion. ‘Why?’

‘Well, Seeker it makes for a more interesting fight, don’t you think? Gives you something to look at?’ Varric said, chuckling at her look of distaste.

Before he knew it, Cullen was back to back with Leaena, feeling her magic radiate around him as his lyrium reached out protectively towards her. They fought instinctively together with their abilities so closely combined, knowing what the other would do, tailoring their next moves designed to devastate their enemy with maximum effect.

Cullen felt her staff whipping in her raised hands, her hair flying behind her as she flipped backwards, freezing two guards right in front of him so he could shatter them with one blow. She twisted around to stun another two, allowing him to put his sword in the belly of one and delivering a deadly hit with his shield to the other.

He felt her exulting in the danger, for the first time in her life fully embracing the sheer thrill of it, because she was safe with him.

It was the most exhilarating experience he’d ever had. And over too soon, as the last guard fell to Varric’s bolt.

‘You know you can’t catch me, Frosty,’ Varric called to her as he slung Bianca on his back.

‘We keep a tally on killing blows, Cullen,’ Cassandra explained with a small smile at his quizzical look. ‘So far Varric is in the lead.’

‘You got the last one again, you sod,’ Leaena laughed at the dwarf as she spun round to face Cullen, excitement shining from her face, vibrating out from her magic.

_Maker, I know I keep boring you by saying it, but she is just so fucking perfect._

With Leaena's hair falling in a riot down her back, her eyes were blazing brighter than he’d ever seen them, ice blue glittering crystals in her flushed face. She didn’t bother to hide from him how that had fuelled her need for him even more.

_I wish I could give you the release you need, hear my name on your lips as I make you come. You are incredible._

He didn’t hide from Leaena how much that brief battle, fought in perfect harmony with her, had his blood, his lyrium, his entire being roaring for more. Of her.

‘Cullen,’ she breathed, her voice fierce with want, pitched low enough just for him to hear as she bent down next to him. She had to shield her face from everyone else to compose herself, pretending to fiddle with a boot strap as she leaned against him slightly.

The merest touch of her sent fire through his body.

‘That was fucking unbelievable,’ she said breathlessly. ‘I didn’t even know that was possible. It's every reason why I specialised as a battlemage and then some. Let’s do it again. Soon. With a tougher enemy.’

Helping her up, he grinned, taking such pleasure in her beauty and enjoyment. ‘Soon, my lady,’ he said huskily. ‘I promise.’

He slowly released her, wiping his weapons down quickly.

‘Was that all of them?’ Leaena asked, looking around. ‘Shame,’ she sighed. ‘I’m so close to knocking Varric off the top spot.’

‘In your dreams, Herald,’ Varric joked, reaching in his pack.

‘You wish, Varric,’ Lea stuck her tongue out at him, catching the lyrium potion he threw to her. 

‘Bloodthirsty, crazy bunch much?’ Sera, their bizarre new companion, commented, sounding uncomfortable. ‘Didn’t realise you were all shooty shooty zip zap magic bollocks.’

‘Zip zap magic bollocks? No breeches? And you’re calling us crazy?’ Leaena looked across at her with a raised eyebrow.

With a wave of her hand, Sera motioned for the others to follow, not replying. ‘Come on then.’

‘Friends really came through with that tip,’ Sera laughed as they reached a terrace. ‘No breeches!’

Looking about as serious as Cullen thought this strange elf could manage, she faced Leaena.

‘So…..Herald of Andraste. You’re a strange one.’

Cassandra made a strangled sound behind him, whilst he sensed Leaena trying very hard not to laugh.

‘I’d like to join,’ the elf boldly stated.

‘How about we get to know each other first? You know, names and such.’ Leaena replied slowly, head tilted again.

‘One name. No…wait…it’s two….it’s well…it’s like this.’ Sera paused before rushing on.

‘I sent you a note to look for hidden stuff by my friends. The Friends of Red Jenny. That’s me. Well, I’m one. So is a fence in Montfort, some woman in Kirkwall. There were three in Starkhaven, brothers or something.’

She tailed off, thinking for a second. Leaena looked back to Varric, who gave her a tiny nod.

‘It’s just a name, yeah?’ Sera said impatiently. ‘It lets little people, ‘Friends’, be part of something while they stick it to nobles they hate. So here, in your face, I’m Sera. ‘The Friends of Red Jenny’ are sort of out there. I used them to help you. Plus arrows.’

Even though Varric had briefed the Inquisition leadership fully even before they set foot in this place, she pushed the elf a bit more, wanting to understand the true character of this archer.

‘So are you spies, assassins, what?’ she said sharply.  

‘No, I’m not knifey knifey Shivdark, all hidden. If you don’t listen down here too, you lose your breeches,’ the elf retorted, clearly getting frustrated. ‘Look, do you need people or not? I want to get everything back to normal….like you.’

At that, Cullen felt Leaena’s attitude subtly shift, understanding for this strange creature beginning to dawn.

She had to be the only person who could see it.

_Which is just one of the many things that makes her so special. She sees the good in everyone._

‘Alright Sera,’ she said firmly. ‘I could use you and your ‘Friends’.

‘Yes!’ the elf cheered. ‘Get in good before you get too big to like. That’ll keep your breeches where they should be. Oooh,’ she thought, looking in her bags. ‘Plus, extra breeches. Because I have all these…..you have merchants who buy all that extra pish, yeah? Got to be worth something!’

‘Anyway, Haven,’ Sera said happily. ‘See you there….Herald. This will be grand!’

In the face of such an unreal experience, they all kept quiet as they watched the elf skip off.

‘That was......unexpected,’ Leaena said dryly. ‘You sure about these Red Jennies, Varric?’

‘Sure as I can be, Frosty,’ Varric confirmed. ‘Leliana could use some of the intelligence they can get their hand on.’

‘Well,’ she sighed. ‘That wasn’t much of a fight. I have to boost my numbers some other way. Shall we head back to our quarters and get ready for the big one? I’m desperate to leave this sewer of a city.’

The two of them made their way back to their villa just behind the rest of the group. As Leaena slipped her hand into Cullen's while they walked, turning to give him one of her brilliant smiles, he didn’t think he’d ever felt more at peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really struggling with the next chapter so there may be a bit of a delay. I thought it was written but these two are just completely going off in a direction I hadn't planned!


	33. Past and Present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: trauma and flashbacks, anxiety attacks

Leaena was fidgety. Anxious. She’d refused to wait another hour to do this, demanding that they get it over and done with, departing Val Royaeux that night to return to Ferelden.

Cullen could feel her stress and worry through their link, her magic tense, reaching out for comfort and assurance, drawing him closer. He was happy to provide her that in spades for as long as she needed it.

He felt her calm at the touch of his senses again, kept reassuring her he would be there.

She was now feeling the residual terror she still had of being made Tranquil, the Sunburst brand bearing down on her. The memories had returned with force, bought back at having to meet the woman who had caused it to happen in the first place.

_I feel useless. I have no idea how to help her through this._

He was waiting outside her room to escort her down to the library to meet the others, ahead of the meeting with Vivienne.

Trying to ignore the weight of his armour, he let his mind drift.

Cullen had been – still was - reeling from that night by the lake. He’d given her a lingering kiss, forced himself to release her, and then looked into those sparkling deep blue eyes of hers. His blood soared as he read the message within, the one he had guessed at but she’d finally had the courage to reveal to him.

_I hope she could see, feel what I can’t yet put into words._

_Maker, I don’t deserve her._

He had walked her back to the village, holding her to him as they slowly made their way. Neither of them wanted reality to intrude on these precious moments they could spend with one another.

To leave Leaena behind and walk off back to his tent required superhuman willpower.

_When I make her mine, it will not be behind a shed for a quick tumble._

Cullen had to content himself with that thought.

True to his word, they had departed early the next day to Val Royaeux.

Cullen didn’t think he’d ever enjoyed travelling so much, getting to spend several days at once in Leaena’s company. They were never very far apart, not wanting to be away from one another. He was able to read her, understand her moods, follow her thinking so well now.

The whole group pretended oblivion about the whole thing, although Cullen thought it had to be obvious by now what was going on. Or what he and Leaena were at least moving towards. Neither of them bothered to hide their feelings any more in front of others.

_I owe Cassandra for allowing us that privacy, to get to know one another, to become friends._

There was then the added bonus of fighting beside her – he’d never experienced such symmetry in battle before. It was unique. To see her with that excitement, finally realising that danger was an aphrodisiac for her, it had left him wanting so much more.

_We fit. Perfectly._

After recruiting that bizarre elf to the Inquisition, they'd come to get ready. Which was why Cullen was now standing in full plate armour, his shield strapped on his back, sword by his side, patiently waiting.

It took him back to his days as a junior Templar, in the Circle, silently watching over his assigned mage charges.

_I don’t want anyone else to do it – I am her Templar guard. It doesn’t matter that I am not with the Order any more; this feels right._

Leaena had demanded formality this evening. He and Cassandra were in their Inquisition plate, whilst Cadan was wearing the colours and heraldry of Ferelden. He also wore King Alistair’s personal insignia, indicating Cadan’s status at court, the Trevelyan crest discretely placed around his cuffs to denote his noble lineage.

When he’d heard where Leaena was going, Cadan had refused to be left behind. It cumulated in a shouting match about it at six in the morning which she’d eventually lost, her usual good humour restored once they hit the road.

She was right about the armour, their own pageantry on display so everyone would be reminded who they were dealing with. Cullen knew Leaena would have tried to work in some Templar and Seeker elements too if she’d had time.

The Duke of Ghislain was the Head of the Council of Heralds. Vivienne would be playing the Great Game to its very depths this evening.

_And all I can do is watch. Damn it all to the Veil, I hate this._

Feeling her move closer, walking out to meet him, he looked up.

_Maker’s Breath!_

Leaena wore the deep red formal robes of an Ostwick Senior Enchanter, which flowed sensuously over her figure, runes glowing softly round the edges. She had also added a white stole, lined with Inquisition symbols over her shoulders, falling almost to her feet. There was a further Inquisition symbol emblazoned on the robe’s cowl.

In open defiance to the ruling that mages could hold no noble title, the Trevelyan crest was prominently embroidered on her rolled-up cuffs.

He had no idea what she’d done to her hair, but it looked spectacular, the very severity of the style enhancing her overall appearance. Piled high on her head, smaller diamond pins had been dotted around, giving the illusion of ice crystals glittering as she moved.

It created a dramatic combination; the contrast of her pale winter beauty against the dark of the robes.

Cullen saw her blush creep up her slender neck and spread over her flawless skin at his unashamed admiration of her, as he finally came to his wits and moved towards her.

He held Leaena’s ice-blue eyes with his, shimmering with unshed tears. His heart twisted to see the uncertainty, her vulnerability and fear of what lay ahead – something she would never reveal to anyone else, not even her twin.

_But she trusts me._

She was holding her magic to herself in huge amounts to reassure herself it was still there.

‘It occurs to me, my lady Herald, that I have never told you how beautiful you are,’ he said softly, bowing over her hand before raising it to his lips for a light kiss, turning it so he could then kiss the inside of her wrist.

He felt her shiver slightly in pleasure at his touch, her magic relaxing a little, enjoying the unexpected brief, but intimate caress against her smooth, cool skin.  

He didn’t let go of her gaze or her hand, letting his senses tell her how he felt, how he wouldn’t leave her.

_I will protect you._

‘I thank you, Commander,’ Leaena replied quietly as her hand fell back to her side, her eyes roaming over him, radiating her approval of what she saw.

‘Do you have any idea how handsome you are?’ she said, a hint of something – _Maker, is that awe?_ \- in her voice. ‘I am the luckiest woman in Thedas to have a man like you by my side.’

Cullen ran a gauntleted hand through his hair, rubbing his neck as it was his turn to blush.

He decided to say nothing, content to feel her through her magic, his lyrium curling round her. He couldn’t stop smiling at her.

_Since I met her, this woman has been making me feel good about who I am. It has been so long I’ve forgotten the sensation._

‘Shall we, my lady?’ he said, offering her his arm as they turned to walk down to the main hall.

‘I know you hate that armour, Cullen, but you look ridiculously good in it,’ she murmured with a quick smile in his direction. ‘You couldn’t have thought of anything better to help make me not dread this next hour.’

‘I could say the same about you, Leaena,’ he replied, letting his appreciation for her beauty warm his voice. ‘I am fortunate – all I have to do this evening is stand and enjoy my view whilst not having to say a word.’

She blushed furiously at that, but didn’t seem to mind in the slightest.

They rapidly reached the library where everyone awaited.

Varric let out a wolf whistle, only to earn himself a reprimand from Cassandra.

‘Varric, I do not know how low the bar is for acceptable behaviour in Kirkwall, but it is not the done thing to make such a vulgar noise at a lady - let alone Andraste’s chosen,’ she said forbiddingly. ‘You look lovely, Lea,’ she added in a much softer tone.

‘Sorry Seeker,’ Varric said, not looking sorry at all. ‘But you are sensational, Frosty,’ he said with a wink.

She grinned back at him.

‘You do look splendid, sister,’ Cadan said, crossing the room to give her a kiss on her cheek. ‘Those robes always suited you.’

‘Da’len, you wear a different form of armour this evening, but one which is equally as effective,’ Solas stated with a smile.

‘Thank you, Lea said softly. Cullen could feel her control slipping, emotion threatening to overwhelm her. He silently sent his senses towards her, reassuring her, wrapping around her magic to give her his support.

‘The Ferelden king dresses his advisors appropriately,’ Cullen glanced at Cadan’s rather simple formal attire enviously.

‘Can you imagine him dressing us up like some Orlesian popinjay with more mask than brain? He’d go mad in less than an hour. Alistair has far more sense than he lets on.’ He then noticed Leaena’s robes properly.

‘Ohh, Lea, I do like your Trevelyan representation. Quite appropriate.’

‘She’ll bloody hate it’ Leaena said with icy anger, the calm and happiness Cullen had sensed from her only a moment ago wiped out. ‘She’s such a worshipper of the Circle – it’s where she derives all her power and influence from, why she’s so desperate for them to return.’

Cullen saw her fight for control and fail as anger and fear overtook her again.

‘It will piss her off no end that I can now display my noble birth as the Circles are no more, not to mention my new title as Herald of Andraste. The more reminders she has of my own status, so far above hers, is a good thing.’

He reached for her, wanting to protect her somehow. Her magic grabbed his so fast and pulled it towards her, her need to feel him so urgent, he had to blink a few times to recover.

‘Who on earth designed your armour for the Inquisition?’ Cadan asked, trying to distract her. ‘It’s positively glorious.’

‘And completely pointless,’ Cassandra growled.

‘You should have seen the sword Josephine wanted us to wear,’ Cullen grinned. ‘It was useless.’

‘Josie always goes for flamboyance over practicality. It’s the Antivan in her,’ Cadan replied with a smile.

Cadan seemed to be less on edge – hopefully he and the Ambassador had settled their differences.

‘How are you doing, Lea?’ Cassandra said, looking a bit worried at Leaena’s face.

‘It’s a shame you didn’t let me sneak in some reminders of your Nevarran royalty, Cassandra. That would have her crawling up the rafters trying to get away,’ she spat before going slightly green.

‘Shit,’ Leaena whispered, ‘I have to get a hold of myself.’ She waked over to the far end of the library, staring out the window sightlessly.

‘It is the past returning,’ Solas said with concern. ‘When someone’s soul has been burned by such trauma, it is inevitable that those memories rise again when confronted with so blunt a reminder. In this case, the person who caused her such pain.’

‘Then should we go through with this?’ Cadan asked. ‘I won’t have her hurt.’

‘I’m not made of glass, Cadan, and I’m perfectly capable of making my own decisions,’ Lea said testily as she walked back towards them. ‘You cannot keep watch over me forever. I thought we had this out already?’

Looking at the group, she nodded.

Cullen could feel she was not nearly as in control as she projected to the rest of the group. He kept reassuring her, his lyrium winding ever closer with her magic. It seemed to give her some comfort.

‘Let’s do this,’ she said flatly.

‘Alright,’ Cadan replied. ‘What’s your plan? Let’s be clear on our tactics.’

_I will be there. Just reach for me when you need my strength. I will be with you. Always._

He felt her magic warm, knew that she could feel him protecting her.

_I won’t let anything happen to you._

‘It is a summer party at the Duke’s estate,’ Leaena said slowly, bringing her breathing under control, focussing on what she did know. ‘There will be the usual gathering of Orlesian nobility there. So we shouldn’t be expecting a physical fight.’

‘What is the Inquisition expecting to get out of this?’ Cullen looked at her, encouraging her to focus on what she wanted to achieve. Not to think about all she nearly lost.

‘Vivienne is the leader of what she terms the ‘loyal’ mages – those who remain loyal to the ways of the Circle. So in that regard, I must play my hand very close about our intentions with the rebel group.’

Opening her eyes slowly, she continued to breathe deeply as she recounted what she knew.

‘There are not nearly as many ‘loyalists’ as rebels – perhaps around a hundred or so – but they are all experienced, older mages and their expertise would carry great weight with who we currently have. It would also improve mage-Templar relationships in the camp. These are ones who would mediate rather than fight.’

Pausing, collecting herself, she summarised their objectives for the evening.

‘We must recruit Vivienne to the Inquisition, taking advantage of her connections, her influence with Celene and the numbers she can bring.’

_I’m so sorry you have to do this, put yourself through this. All in the name of duty._

Saying goodbye to Varric and Solas, the four of them headed to the waiting carriages. Without even thinking, Cullen led Leaena to one, helping her up, making sure she was settled comfortably. He told the coachman to take his time getting there, before walking over to Cadan and Cassandra.

‘Go on ahead. We will follow slowly. I think she needs some time to gather herself. Fashionably late is a good thing in Orlais anyway.’

They nodded and walked off as Cullen went back to her, closing the door as the carriage rolled off.

He was horrified by what he saw. Leaena was frozen in the past, trembling, unable to move. Her eyes had gone blank, unseeing, huge tears welling up and rolling down her face. She closed them and leant her head back against the carriage.

He didn’t need to ask at what point she’d gone back to.

Slipping his gauntlets off, Cullen reached for her hands and began to massage each one.

_I am right here with you. I will never let anything hurt you._

_Maker, I have been where you are. I know your pain. I understand._

Her magic was calling to him, urgent in its intensity, almost desperately reaching for him. Cullen’s senses quickly obliged, twisting the very essence of her tightly around the lyrium in his veins. Holding her, letting her feel his pulse through their shared connection, ensuring she knew he would always keep her safe.

The connection they had seemed to get stronger by the day. He needed to think about that soon, but not now.

Making circular motions with his thumb and fingers, he began to talk softly to her in a low voice.

‘Remember,’ he said softly, ‘you aren’t that same nineteen year old when you face her. You are the Herald of Andraste, chosen by the Maker, Senior Enchanter, daughter to House Trevelyan. You have overcome so much to be where you are now.’

He paused, looking at her face, seeing her breathing regulate, her magic entwining around him with less anxiety.

Leaena’s eyes opened, looked into his. The glaze of panic was starting to fade although her breathing was still erratic.

‘You are the bravest person I know, my lady,’ he whispered, struggling to control his own feelings, hating to see her like this.

‘You humble me with your vital approach to life, embracing everything that is new, making us – me – become a better person. I am honoured to serve as your Commander, to watch you grow, becoming the person you were truly meant to be.’

Cullen’s voice had become low with the intensity of his emotions as he continued, hoping she could hear him.

‘To go into this and face what was your worst nightmare, come to life? Not many can do this. And you can do this.’

Colour had entered her cheeks as she listened to his words. Her eyes, huge in her face, had not left his. They had gone from their ice-blue to almost black as she slowly started to relax, releasing her magic.

‘She can do nothing to you any more; Vivienne has no power over you at all. We will be right there, standing next to you. Draw your strength from us when you falter.’

Encouraged by her responding to him, he continued.

‘You can feel my senses, my lyrium, inside you just as I can feel your magic inside me,’ Cullen ended, reaching out to stroke her face with one hand whilst still holding the other. ‘I am with you, Leaena. You aren’t alone.’

Trembling still, she stared at him, searching his face. He felt the heat inside her rise slowly as she saw and felt his meaning, saw a small smile reach her lips.

‘I’m not am I,’ she whispered. ‘And knowing who you are, that you can sense the same I do – it is the best feeling in the word.’

He hadn’t released her other hand yet, just content to sit there and wait till she was ready. He loved feeling the lines of her face, tracing its smooth oval round along her jawline, across her determined chin and smoothing over her high cheekbones.

The carriage had drawn up outside the estate.

Slowly, he felt her coming back to herself, ready to meet this, perhaps her biggest hurdle yet.

Facing your demons straight on was no easy task. Cullen knew this all too well.

‘Are you ready, Leaena? You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,’ he reminded her.

Leaena looked at him, smiling slightly.

‘I’m ready Cullen. Thank you. I’m sorry…’

‘Did I not say to you once, don’t ever apologise? Never feel sorry?’ he murmured, giving her a soft kiss on her cheek.

‘You did,’ she whispered, pausing for a second to gather herself.

Reluctantly he took his hands away, pulling his gauntlets back on.

‘Ready?’ he looked at her.

‘Ready,’ she said firmly, her voice having recovered its clarity.

‘I said it earlier and I will say it again; you look beautiful, Leaena,’ he whispered, opening the door and helping her down.

‘Thank you Cullen,’ she replied, her eyes smiling once more. He sensed her relief, her magic relaxed again.

Taking his arm, they walked towards the entrance of the Duke’s estate where Cassandra and Cadan were waiting.

\--------

‘The entrance hall is a tad dinky for a Duke,’ Cadan mused as they made their way up a set of stairs.

‘It’s Orlais,’ Cassandra said in a dry tone. ‘It’s probably the thing this season. Next season, they’ll want something the size of a Chantry just to hang coats in and waste more money on.’

‘This is true, Seeker,’ Cadan replied. ‘Another reason to avoid the Game if one can.’

‘Alright,’ Leaena said as they reached the top. ‘It is time. Let me go first and follow my lead. Cullen will give the signal if anything is amiss.’

As her name was announced, Leaena glided into the ballroom as if she owned it, tall, proud and as regal as a queen, taking full advantage of the slight still in the room as people observed her arrival.

She had drawn around herself an invisible cloak of absolute cold, her disdain and hauteur enough to put off the majority of people from approaching her, looking around and finding the whole event lacking.

Cullen realised in that second he was seeing the Ice Princess, revealing how she got her reputation. He had never seen this side to her before.  She had spent two decades creating this façade, her own defence mechanism. And, in this ballroom of Orlais, where people lived and died by the spoken word, she would be a master.

Two nobles had approached her.

_I am right next to you._

He sent her his reassurance through his senses, felt her gratefully receive it.

‘A pleasure, my lady,’ the man said. ‘We so rarely have the chance to meet anyone new. It is always the same crowd at these parties. You must be a guest of Madame de Fer? Or are you here for Duke Bastien?’

Before Leaena could reply, the young woman next to him interrupted excitedly.

‘Are you here on business? I have heard the most curious tales of you. I cannot imagine half of them are true!’

Cullen sensed the group collectively wincing at the woman’s gushing naiveté, Cassandra actually rolling her eyes in impatience.

Leaena gazed languidly at the woman for a second before answering.

‘Everything you’ve heard? Completely true, of course,’ she said with a small wave of her hand as if it was of no importance.

The woman had evidently missed the very large dose of sarcasm.

‘Better and better! The Inquisition should attend more of these parties!’ she trilled.

‘The Inquisition! Such a load of pig shit!’ A loud voice retorted, approaching them.

Cullen felt Leaena reach for him, telling them not to worry. He made a small gesture to the other two that all was well – so far.

‘Washed up Sisters and crazed Seekers? No one can take them seriously. Everyone knows it’s just an excuse for a bunch of political outcasts to grab power.’

Cassandra gave a sight growl behind him.

Leaena turned slowly, looking at the man who had just interrupted like he’d crawled in off her shoe.

‘Seeker Pentaghast,’ she said in that same bored voice as she turned to Cassandra, dismissing him completely, ‘I don’t quite recall making any claims to holiness recently. Perhaps, as the Divine’s very own Right Hand, you could establish what the point is of this conversation for me?’

Before Cassandra could say anything – her response might have been messier than Leaena would have liked anyway - the angry young man jumped in.

‘So, in front of all these people, you admit to being a pretentious usurper!’ He cried with unholy delight.

‘We know what your Inquisition is,’ he said menacingly, stepping right into Leaena’s space. ‘If you were a woman of honour, you’d step outside and answer the charges!’

The three of them drew their weapons just as the man went for the dagger on his back. And then was frozen on the spot.

Leaena still just looked supremely bored, having shown no emotion at all to that man.

He felt her magic, still relaxed and even with a hint of enjoyment.

_She’s laughing at them all. Maker, her bravery!_

Returning their weapons, they saw a woman appear at the top of the steps, glowing with her power.

Leaena immediately tensed. He felt her magic rise, unbidden, desperate.

_I am here with you. I won’t let anything happen to you._

Cullen’s senses reached, pulled her magic close to him, protecting. He felt her panic subside a little.

‘My dear Marquis,’ she called, ‘how unkind of you to use such language in my house…to my guests.’

‘She certainly dresses to attract a certain type of attention,’ Cadan murmured.

‘And to put on a display of her power,’ Cassandra replied.

‘The woman is nowhere near Leaena’s strength, though,’ Cullen said quietly.  

‘You know such rudeness is…..intolerable,’ she purred at the Marquis, still frozen on the spot.

‘Madame Vivienne!’ the man gasped. ‘I humbly beg your pardon!’

‘You should!’ she said sharply. ‘Whatever am I going to do with you?’ she said softly.

Turning around, Vivienne looked at Leaena, who had completely ignored the proceedings thus far.

‘My lady, you are the wounded party in this unfortunate affair. What would you have me do with this foolish, foolish man?’

Leaena faced Vivienne, her eyes blank, disengaged from the whole show the other mage had just put on.

‘Really, why would I even be interested in such a creature? You may do whatever you like with him.’

‘Time is such a precious commodity these days, something so many people seem so willing to abuse,’ she said to the couple in front of them as she turned away once more, allowing a hint of irritability into her voice.

Vivienne had to finish her charade off for the benefit of the rest of the ballroom, unfreezing the young man and expelling him from the estate.

Leaena still ignored the whole thing.

‘Well, wasn’t that just nice and convenient,’ Cassandra muttered.

‘I’m delighted you could attend this little gathering,’ Vivienne said in a syrupy voice. ‘I’ve so wanted to meet you. My name is Vivienne. Enchantress to Celene and First Enchanter to Montsimmard Circle.’

Cullen felt Leaena’s anxiety begin to rise as she turned. He let his lyrium senses entwine her magic, feeling her calm down again and able to continue.

‘Perhaps we could move somewhere more….private to continue?’ she suggested.

Leaena inclined her head slightly, gracefully walking alongside Vivienne to a corner where they followed, waiting a short distance away.

‘How delightful you travel with such a retinue my dear,’ the woman said. ‘Quite the show of power.’

‘Is she trying to make out travelling without support is now some new fashion?’ Cassandra said, dumfounded.

‘Because she has none and is trying to change the balance between them,’ Cadan replied softly. ‘But watch.’

‘Isn’t it just, my lady,’ Leaena said with a slight yawn. ‘I am so fortunate that Commander Rutherford kindly offered to serve as my personal Templar escort. I’m sure you know that he is the former Knight-Commander of Kirkwall. So essential to have such experienced Templars with mages in these nervous times wouldn’t you say?’

She paused for a second looking round, then let her hand fly to her mouth.

I didn’t notice where your Templars were……oh!’ she smiled a bit in embarrassment. ‘I presume as the Order has withdrawn, that type of thing isn’t necessary for you anymore. How inconvenient you must find it.’

‘It must be so reassuring for the Inquisition to have King Alistair’s interest!’ Vivienne completely ignored Leaena’s last barb.

‘How quaint for Ferelden to be involved! The very idea of undertaking such an endeavour with no royal patronage….well, my lady,…I don’t need to mention to you of all people how inappropriate that would be. Celene has always been so unwavering in her support for the arcane.’ Vivienne’s smile remained firmly in place, assessing the woman in front of her.

‘Did she just imply Alistair was quaint? He’ll enjoy that,’ Cadan said with a quiet chuckle.

‘Alistair is such a darling,’ Leaena gushed, ‘so very forward thinking and generous in his support of mages. And such a dashing champion! Saving the whole of Ferelden – Thedas even! - from the Blight and then, of course, the Hero no less confirming his rightful place.'

‘Naturally,’ she leaned in to say in a low voice, confidentially, ’as a Theirin, there was never any doubt over his declaration as King. One can’t have traitor’s blood occupying the throne after all.’

She paused, as if considering, then turned with a slight look of concern on her face. ‘Poor Celene. How is that civil war going? Has Gaspard not yet done the decent thing and run off to exile in Tevinter? I imagine she must have plenty to focus on at this present time.’

‘Very well done, my lady,’ Cullen murmured with a smile, his eyes never leaving her face.

Leaena gave her a slight smile at the end of it all, as if the effort of explaining all that had exhausted her.

Covered by her mask, it was impossible to see her face. But Vivienne’s eyes had gone cold. She completely skipped any further chit-chat.

‘I, of course, did not invite you here for pleasantries. The Divine is dead, the Chantry in a shambles. Only the Inquisition might restore sanity and order to our frightened people. As the leader of the last loyal mages in Thedas, I feel it only right that I lend my assistance to your cause. It is the duty of every loyal mage to help seal the Breach, and I command the remaining resources of the Circle. We could do much to aid your cause,’ she finished grandly.

Leaena’s magic was singing to him in relief, dancing around. It was hard to stay impassive when he felt her become so much happier.

‘She has nowhere else to go,’ Cassandra said, realisation in her voice. ‘No Templars, her royal patron immersed in a bloody civil war. She needs us.’

‘I heard a rumour that something has happened to Bastien,’ Cadan said softly. ‘Her position is becoming increasingly weak.’

‘So what is in this for you, lady Vivienne?’ Leaena asked, a hard note entering her voice for the first time.

‘The same thing anyone gets fighting this chaos. The chance to meet my enemy, to decide my fate. I won’t wait quietly for destruction.’

‘How very noble of you,’ she murmured, before speaking louder. ‘The Inquisition would be happy to have you, Lady Vivienne.’

‘Great things are beginning, my dear, I can promise you that,’ Vivienne replied. ‘I so look forward to seeing you at our headquarters in Haven.’

‘We must depart now, lady Vivienne, but we look forward to receiving you and the Circle mages at Haven. I thank you for your time.’

Without saying anything further, Leaena swept away, down to the waiting carriages.

Cullen helped her up again, feeling her shaking with the adrenaline, the success, underlain by the overwhelming fear. Calling to the coachman to make haste, they set off.

\-------

‘I couldn’t stand it anymore, Cullen,’ Leaena gasped as the door closed on the carriage. ‘Maker help me, I can’t fucking do it anymore!’

Her hands flew to her face as she dissolved into hysterical sobs, rubbing frantically at her eyes as if trying to erase the memories.

Cullen threw off his gauntlets and pulled her into his lap. He cradled her, cursing the plate he was having to wear at not being able to hold her as closely as she wanted to. He did nothing but keep her near him, stroke her hair, her back, her arms, whispering softly to her, letting her feel his senses protecting her.

_I’m here. I will never leave you._

He felt her magic blindly reaching out uncontrollably, felt the raw hurt and permanent fear she had carried for thirteen years, never discussed, never acknowledged.

Cullen hoped she might be able to recover now, to heal.

But facing the demon, and the impact of that, had to come first.

Pulling up at their mansion, with a crying Herald of Andraste in his arms, Cullen somehow made it out without dropping her. Everyone was there, concerned at the sight of Leaena so incoherent.

‘Varric, cancel the trip. We go nowhere tonight. Solas, Cadan, Cassandra,’ Cullen called, rattling out orders as he quickly went to her room, lying her on the bed. His heart contracted as she curled into a ball, unseeing of anyone around. ‘Stay with her whilst I get out of this wretched plate. Solas, can you please check her over and Seeker, can you make her comfortable? Solas, I don’t think she’s going to cast anything but best get Cassandra to check.’

Not bothering to wait for their reply, he quickly went to his room and changed, grabbing his cloak in a moment of inspiration as he ran back to Leaena, her magic crying out in pain for him in her need to feel him.

The three of them were in there still, Cadan looking in anguish to see his twin suffering. He was on the bed, holding her hand. Cassandra had managed to put Leaena into nightclothes and unpin her hair, a blanket covering her on the bed.

She was still crying, her beautiful eyes sightless, ice-blue, holding her magic tightly.

Cullen couldn’t bear it. He pulled the blanket off, covering her completely in his cloak, before picking her up and sitting with her on his lap in the comfiest armchair he could find. Stroking her hair softly as he held her to his chest, as she turned her head into his body, he looked at Solas.

‘I have seen this before,’ Cullen said softly ‘Tonight was a step too far?’

‘Not so much a step too far but a dam breaking, Commander,’ Solas replied. ‘It is not all bad news – it is a sign of healing. She would have had to go through this sooner or later.’

He gestured to a potion on the side then motioned for Cadan and Cassandra to leave with him.

‘She needs rest, and sleep, Commander,’ the elf murmured. ‘I think you may know better than most what to do.’

‘Take care of her, Cullen,’ Cadan said hoarsely, reluctantly leaving the room.

Finally, it was just him and his Herald. Hiccupping on his lap.

Leaena tears had stopped soon after he’d secured her on him, feeling his heat slowly pass through her body.

He smiled softly as he brushed her hair from her face, thinking.

‘I find your hiccups quite adorable, just like the rest of you,’ he whispered as he kissed the top of her head. ‘I have a confession to make – I have not been able to stop looking at you since you fell at my feet out of that rift. And I’ve come to realise there are a million and one different things that make you the unique, amazing woman that you are.’

‘The way you tug on your ponytail over your left shoulder when you are enthusiastic about your subject. The way you bite your bottom lip when you’re thinking hard about something. When your brow furrows a bit as you focus, I want to reach my finger out and stroke it smooth for you.’

Cullen proceeded to do just that, stroking her forehead gently, smoothing away the tension. He felt her calm a little more as he continued talking softly to her, holding her, giving her his strength.

He continued to share with her all the nuances of her behaviour he’d seen, everything that formed a part of who she was, what kept him continually fascinated with her.

‘You always attach your staff to your back in exactly the same way, with the straps having to be done up in a particular order. I sympathise,’ he chuckled lightly, ‘I do the same with my weapons as well. And your hair – you hate having it in front of your face and in your eyes. In a selfish way, I am glad you haven’t cut it. You have lovely long hair.’

Giving her another kiss on top of her head again, he carried on, feeling relief at the sense of her bit by bit releasing her magic, relaxing a little more, bringing her magic back under control.

‘You are the first person I’ve met who separates out the food on her plate. You always eat your vegetables first, then the meat, not allowing them to touch. I also recall you once getting rather agitated that some gravy had the nerve to fall on a corner of carrot, rendering said item inedible,’ he couldn’t help but laugh at the memory, nor of the detailed explanation Leaena gave.

‘Gravy and vegetables don’t mix,’ a muffled voice replied from somewhere around his lower arm. ‘It’s not supposed to be dipped in until I decide to do it. Anything that is added from an external source before I get to it makes it inedible.’

‘Of course it does,’ he teased her gently.

‘From the man who colour coordinates his requisition reports, don’t you think that’s a bit rich?’

Leaena sat up on his lap, looking straight at him, even smiling a little.

‘It makes perfect sense,’ Cullen replied, perfectly straight faced. ‘Colour by region, then by area, then by resource. I understand it.’

‘You and no one else. Perhaps I should send Chancellor Roderick to give you filing lessons,’ she said lightly as he reached for a cloth and wiped her face for her. Her eyes were swollen from crying, her skin blotched and puffy.

_I have never seen you look more beautiful than right now. I am so proud of you Leaena._

‘Please don’t,’ he replied with a small laugh. ‘Not if you want him to still be alive by the time we’d be done.’ He waited a moment. ‘How are you?’

She sighed, looking down again. ‘I’ve been better,’ she said, her voice catching slightly. ‘Hold me again, Cullen?’ she asked, her eyes showing her need to be near him, her magic calling the same.

He drew her to him again, waiting this time, for her to talk. 

‘You really have noticed all that about me?’ she said softly, relaxing into his arms once more, her legs hanging over the side of the chair, looking up at him as he ran his fingers absently through her hair.

‘I promise I’m not some obsessed stalker,’ he said with a quick grin.

‘I didn’t think you were,’ she smiled. ‘Whenever you aren’t there I always find myself looking for you,’ she said half to herself.

‘Tonight…’ she stopped, swallowing hard. ‘Tonight was harder than anything I have ever done. Harder than my Harrowing, harder than facing a desire demon as my Circle fell, harder perhaps, than every time I get on that bloody horse and I have to ride away from you.’

Leaena’s eyes closed as she thought it through.

‘All I could think of was suppressing the increasing panic that kept rising whilst I was in that ballroom. The vision of the brand, being lifted, coming towards me – it just repeated over and over in my head. I couldn’t get rid of it.’

‘It’s the shock of having to see Vivienne that bought back the trauma,’ Cullen said gently. ‘My lady Herald, you did a magnificent job tonight in the face of such pressure.’

‘I was so overwhelmed when we left, I was trying not to throw up on you on the way home,’ she muttered with a hint of embarrassment.

‘Leaena, if you had, it wouldn’t have mattered,’ he said gently. ‘Believe me, I’ve seen far worse in my time.’

‘It’s just not quite the look I’m going for though, Cullen, when I’m sat on a devastatingly handsome knight’s lap, complete with shining armour,’ her eyes opened with a teasing light in them. ‘Normally, there’s other things I’d like to be doing rather than be in hysterics and trying not to ruin the polish on his boots.’

He laughed properly, that time, for the first time since they had started getting ready to go. ‘How about I promise you a repeat performance some time, my lady? Then you can show me exactly what things you would like to be doing?’

She grinned. ‘Commander, there are so many I don’t even know where to begin.’ Then she winced.

‘Maker, my head hurts.’

‘Sit,’ Cullen ordered as he set her down, walking over to the potion Solas had left. ‘From our resident sane elf,’ he said as he handed it to her.

Gratefully she drank it in one go, looking immediately better.

‘That man works miracles,’ she said, snuggling back on his lap again, tucking his cloak round her chin. ‘Sera is on the odd side isn’t she? I never thought I’d be comparing Solas to someone else and calling him the normal one.’

‘I think that is the truest thing I’ve heard you say all day, Leaena.’ He paused at the look she was giving him. ‘What?’

She looked up at him with a smile. ‘I like how you always call me Leaena. No one else does, not even my parents.’

Cullen felt himself blush. ‘I..hope you don’t mind. It’s just…’ he sighed. ‘It suits you. Perfectly. I don’t even think of you as Lea but I will call you that if you prefer?’

‘Not at all,’ she gave him another one of her smiles that no one else got to see. ‘I used to hate it. Refused to answer to it. And Vivienne…..used to call me it. So I rejected it completely until I heard you say it. And you changed the whole outlook on my name when you spoke.’

She subsided, blushing furiously, her head turned into his chest. Cullen thought he heard a muffled something about 'toffee' and 'whiskey', but decided he was hearing things.

‘I was given a non-Ostwick name, unlike my siblings. I was not meant to live. They were only expecting Cadan, and then I appeared straight afterwards. Mother said I clung to life, fought hard for it. So I was named Leaena which is Old Orlesian for lioness. It's supposed to reflect my determination, my will to survive in the face of impossible odds.’

Cullen was silent for a moment, before kissing her head again. ‘I, for one, am very glad you survived. The name suits you like none other and I’m glad I have had some hand in restoring it back to you.’

‘Thank you, Cullen,’ Leaena smiled, then sighed.

‘Truly, what did you think of this evening? We achieved our aims did we not?’

‘You did, my lady Herald,’ Cullen replied with respect. ‘The woman had the whole show set up for our arrival to try and show you her dominance over you. She wasn’t pleased that it received such a flat reception.’

‘It made laugh, that she said she had the full resources of the Circle. With no Templars it renders the whole concept obsolete.’ Leaena said thoughtfully. ‘She badly needs us doesn’t she? She has nothing there any more.’

‘Exactly,’ Cullen agreed. ‘We did not – you did not – need her. She needs us. And don’t forget that when you deal with her back at camp. Vivienne is only with the Inquisition under your sufferance.’

Her expression brightened. ‘How she must hate that. I mustn’t get carried away with it though. To do so lends her more importance than she has. I must focus on the bigger picture.’

‘I saw a side of you I haven’t seen before,’ he said quietly. ‘The rather unkind nickname of Ice Princess of Ostwick you have – that was her there wasn’t it?’

She thought for a minute, nodding.

‘It is because of what happened, what you have been through?’ he asked.

‘Yes,’ she said shakily. ‘It is easier to freeze people out than let them in. Life in a Circle is not easy.’

‘And yet, no one in the Inquisition has ever seen you like that until today,’ he replied. ‘I was baffled when I met you for the first time. And on subsequent acquaintance. The reality far exceeded my expectations,’ he said softly.

She blushed. ‘The Inquisition feels like a second chance, a new start. Don’t you think?’

'I think we all feel that way. I know I do,' he said absently, shadows creeping into his voice.

Leaena looked at him sharply then yawned.

‘If I may suggest it, I think you should get some sleep,’ Cullen whispered.

‘Don’t say that,’ she replied sleepily. ‘Because that would mean tomorrow comes and I can’t be in your arms anymore.’

‘I’m not going anywhere tonight,’ he replied firmly.

‘Cullen?’

‘Yes, my lady?’

‘Good.’

There was another pause as he felt her thinking.

‘Can we lie on the bed?’

He chuckled, quickly extinguishing the candle. He picked her up and placed her on the bed. Lying down face to face, holding her body close to his - he didn’t think he’d felt more comfortable in his life.

‘I feel better,’ she said drowsily, nearly asleep. ‘It was so good to have you there with me. All day today. To always be able to feel you, to be so close to you….Andraste has truly blessed me.’

Cullen thought she was asleep, just about to kiss her forehead when he felt the sudden, incredible sensation of her lips against his, her hand cupping his face, running her fingers on his jaw.

Leaena slowly, lingeringly pulled away, her eyes glittering in the darkness as she met his. She left her hand on his face, softly teasing his jaw with her fingers as she spoke.

‘Just so you know, Commander, I am not going to keep denying myself for much longer,’ she whispered, her voice trembling, so close to crossing that invisible line they had both drawn.  ‘Everything that you represent, all of that which makes you who you are - I have spent my whole life looking for. And I've finally found it - in you.’

She gave him another soft kiss, reluctantly pulling away and lying close next to him, relaxing in his arms as he held her tight. He felt her almost immediately fall into sleep, her magic resting with her.

Her last words raced around Cullen's mind, making his whole being feel alive in a way he had never experienced before.

_I did figure it out._

_I am in love with you, my lady Herald. My heart, body and soul are yours._


	34. A Royal Appearance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to the excellent PookatheCat for the inspiration.

Lea shook her head, trying to reorient herself as she suddenly found herself back in the Arl of Redcliffe’s throne room, Magister Alexius on his knees on the floor. She looked around frantically, almost crying when she saw Cassandra and Varric standing next to her. Alive. With no red lyrium taint.

They had done it. Avoided that fate worse than death which awaited them. Still might, if they didn’t succeed.

A familiar surge had her reeling as her magic joyfully danced out towards the call of Cullen’s lyrium.

_Cullen? You’re here? Alive?_

Her heart leapt as she saw him at the back of the room, Leliana next to him. Their eyes met briefly, filling her with warmth. She felt through their link his reassurance, encouragement, support. And his undisguised need of her.

Lea blinked, then gazed stonily at the now broken Magister on the floor, surrounded by Inquisition guards. She needed to get through this first before she could relax.

‘You’ll have to do better than that,’ Dorian quipped, seeing the man flinch as he realised all his manipulation, all his power, had been for naught.

Lea couldn’t get rid of the image of Leliana, mouth open in a wordless scream, tortured beyond recognition, as she and Dorian ran for the open time rift.

She couldn’t forget the faces of Varric and Cassandra, broken, sitting in cells next to people growing red lyrium out of their bodies as a form of sport for the depraved minions of Alexius.

She couldn’t forget the poison of the Breach, spread across the heavens, spawning demons that stalked every corner of Thedas.

And Lea especially couldn’t forget being told how the Inquisition armies had dashed themselves to pieces on the walls, in a desperate bid to try and stop the Elder One. Led by one man, fighting till the bitter end; the last left standing before his life was claimed.

_Maybe then, we would have finally been together. Better death than that insane reality, devoid of hope. Not even you, my brave Commander, could have made a difference._

 ‘Is that the best you’ve got?’ she said in a cold fury to the magister.

‘You’ve won,’ he ground out. ‘There is no point extending this charade.’ He looked longingly at his son who offered him a word of comfort before he was led away.

Lea trained her gaze to Grand Enchanter Fiona. Her eyes narrowed as she advanced on the woman, halting just a few inches from her.

Her rage hit its peak. ‘I had the misfortune to witness the ultimate devastation of everything we hold dear, thanks to your sheer stupidity,’ she began, feeling her temper escalate the more she thought about what she’d seen.

‘You can send your thanks to the Maker for sparing you a glimpse of the dire future that awaits us all,’ Lea hissed, gesturing her hand around the hall as she paced round the other mage. ‘I watched you, Fiona, watched red lyrium grow out of your body, unable to move, reduced to nothing but misery, pain and suffering.’

She paused, holding her magic to her to reassure herself, fuelling her anger at how close they had come to total annihilation. Her eyes were glittering, freezing shards of ice as she continued to rake her scathing gaze over the Grand Enchanter.

‘This is all your responsibility. How dare you bargain away the lives of mages so cheaply? Are you really that incompetent that you couldn’t tell something was amiss with the Fade? Or to be just a mite suspicious when a Tevinter magister suddenly appeared on your doorstep with the perfect solutions to all your problems?’

Lea was shouting by now as she catalogued Fiona’s faults, the other mage unable to meet her furious glare.

‘You cannot bleat that it was purely Alexius’ time magic that left you so utterly, utterly useless - you are supposed to be the Grand Enchanter! I’d be amazed if you could even light a bloody bonfire, so hopeless you have proven yourself to be!’

All her frantic fear and revulsion at what she and Dorian had seen came pouring out of her, aimed directly at the woman she knew was ultimately responsible.

‘To top it all off, you let this magister swan into Redcliffe without so much as a by your leave, and rolled over like a puppy when he ordered the Arl out of his own fucking castle! I can only assume it is sheer ineptitude on your part, unless you are deliberately trying to ruin the lot of mages by losing King Alistair’s favour? It was an act of high treason!’

She felt him reach for her, comforting, protecting, wondering what happened to make her react so strongly.

_Oh Cullen, it is my turn to protect you now, to ensure what I witnessed does not come to pass._

‘Quite so, Lady Trevelyan,’ a voice called out as an honour guard marched in. ‘I’m not sure I could have put it much better myself.’

Lea looked up in surprise to see King Alistair himself walking in. She dropped to one knee, head bowed, until Alistair indicated for the room to rise.

She sensed Cullen’s support for her words, along with a hint of gentle amusement at her embarrassment.

_Why oh why do I launch into these tirades and then someone like the sodding King of Ferelden suddenly appears?_

‘Grand Enchanter,’ Alistair said coldly, addressing the elf in front of him. ‘Imagine how surprised I was to hear that you’d given Redcliffe Castle away to a Tevinter magister.’

‘King Alistair!’ Fiona stammered.

‘Especially since I’m fairly sure Redcliffe belongs to Arl Tegan,’ Alistair finished sarcastically.

_Alistair, you’d never believe me, but it is good to hear you being you._

She felt Cullen’s entertainment at Alistair’s choice of words, as the King of Ferelden continued to chastise the former Grand Enchanter.

‘Your majesty, we never intended….’

‘I know what you intended. I wanted to help you,’ he replied softly, before his voice hardened again. ‘But you’ve made it impossible. You and your followers are no longer welcome in Ferelden.’

‘But we have hundreds who need protection!’ Fiona said in despair. ‘Where will we go?’

Lea’s magic continued to ecstatically wind itself around Cullen’s lyrium, his senses drawing it even closer to himself, feeling her distress, wanting to comfort her.

_We are nearly done here. And then I can be with you, see you, stroke your face, kiss you, know you are real._

Lea strolled down to stand before Alistair and Fiona.

‘You’ll be coming with the Inquisition,’ she said, her voice cold. ‘It really is your lucky day, Fiona. Be grateful that His Majesty is showing such benevolence in letting you leave, rather than hanging you for the traitor you are.’

‘And what are the terms of this arrangement?’ Fiona said haughtily, although her face had paled at Lea’s last words.

‘Really?’ Lea spat out, her fury instant once more. ‘You have the audacity to think you can bargain with anyone after this fiasco? Do not test my patience further!’

‘Hopefully it will be better than what Alexius gave you,’ Dorian added cheerfully.

‘It seems we have little choice but to accept whatever you offer,’ Fiona said brokenly.

‘The mages will become our allies, fighting by the Inquisition’s side. However,’ Lea looked at Fiona icily. ‘That option only stands if you remove yourself from any position of authority.’

‘I’d take that offer if I were you. One way or another, you’re leaving my kingdom.’ Alistair’s tone left no room for negotiation.

‘I’ll pray that the rest of the Inquisition honours your promise then,’ Fiona said snidely.

_Bitch! Don’t tempt me to strike you down here and now for all the pain and suffering you caused!_

Cullen’s lyrium pulled her magic closer to him, calming her down, feeling her inner anguish.

‘It does, Grand Enchanter,’ Cullen called as he and Leliana walked forward. ‘The Herald speaks for all the Inquisition.’

_I love the sound of your voice. So much so I must get some toffee and whiskey whilst we are in Redcliffe._

_‘_ Let me be clear, Fiona,’ her voice rang out frostily, the little patience she normally had gone the moment she set foot in the future and saw the end of the world.

‘The Inquisition wishes for mages to have the chance of freedom, to demonstrate that mages can self-govern effectively. But do not forget - we are also your last hope.’

_Yes, finally getting it aren’t you, you stupid, arrogant woman! I never liked you and here's all the reasons why!_

‘I too am a mage and I want this to work. But not at the expense of people’s safety. Should you fail us, I will have no hesitation in conscripting you all to Commander Rutherford’s armies, leaving it to his discretion as to how to manage you best.’

Lea felt Cullen’s surprise and warm approval at her words even though they hadn’t had a chance to discuss it. She’d just known that this would provide him with the reassurance he needed over the new alliance, and felt it was a fair compromise.

She looked across at him quickly for the first time, and nearly blushed at the inferno of tawny-gold blazing in his eyes as he watched her.

_Maker, you take my breath away. I missed the feel of your senses, the sight of you so much. Oh, Cullen, you have no idea…._

She took a deep breath, wanting to be done with this for once and for all.

‘Let us hope that the new mage leadership is a significant improvement on the last one, able to manage the mages effectively. Unlike you. Because under no circumstances will I accept an alliance if you are still presiding as Grand Enchanter.’

‘Very well, we accept your offer.’ Fiona sagged, finally defeated.

‘As if you had any other choice,’ Lea ground out. ‘It is a generous one. I could have conscripted you all on the spot. Now get out before I change my mind.’

‘We expect to see you in Haven before Friday,’ Leliana confirmed.

Subdued, Fiona turned and left to prepare the mages to travel to Haven. And finally close the Breach.

\-------

Her magic joyfully danced out towards his senses, pulling him closer to her. She luxuriated in the sheer pleasure of having him reach for her magic, feeling the two entwine in relief.

Lea waited to one side as the hall cleared, leaving just the Inquisition team, Alistair and his guards.

Cullen walked up to her as Leliana had a few words with the king. His eyes were full of emotion, feeling her pain, sorry she had to witness what she did, frustration at not being there for her.

_Cullen, don’t make me wait. I need you. Especially after that. I don’t care who sees._

He wordlessly enveloped her in a hug, kissing the top of her head, holding her close, letting her feel his strength, hear the beating of his heart.

_You smell so good. Thank you for being here._

Stepping back from him, holding his arms, she reached up and kissed his cheek.

‘You can have no idea how good it is to see you,’ she whispered shakily, reaching around his neck to hold him once more.

‘I’m so sorry, Leaena,’ he replied quietly.

They stood like that for a minute before she reluctantly stepped back.

‘I will be back in a second,’ she said, her voice cracking. ‘I have to go and hug everyone else as well, to make sure they are real.’

He smiled softly, nodding, waiting for her.

Lea walked up to the little group of Varric, Dorian and Cassandra.

‘I’m sorry to interrupt….’ She stopped for a second, overwhelmed to see them both hale and whole.

Dorian caught her eyes, understanding what she needed.

Silently, Lea gave first Cassandra, then Varric a fierce hug each.

‘You are both….you are both really alive,’ she was stumbling over her words, unable to express herself, choked up with the memory of what they saw.

‘You two….you saved us. And Leliana. We owe you more than you can ever imagine,’ she said, her voice thick with emotion.

‘It’s what we do, Frosty,’ Varric said quietly. ‘It’s how we are going to win this.’

‘We are here for you,’ Cassandra said somewhat shakily. ‘We are here for each other.’

She nodded, unable to let a few tears slide down her face at the memories.

‘I am glad you were there with me, Dorian, glad you found your way to the Inquisition.’ Lea stopped, gathering her thoughts. ‘If I had been on my own…Maker I don’t know how I would have found a way through.’

‘It’s going to be alright, Lea,’ Dorian said firmly. ‘What we saw – we will not allow it to come to pass.’

‘You’re right, of course,’ Lea said, taking a deep breath and smiling shakily before remembering, feeling ill with the pictures in her head.

‘Dorian – you must tell Varric….the red lyrium,’ she had to close her eyes for a second to compose herself.

‘I will, don’t you worry,’ Dorian said firmly. ‘For now, you need to have a break. Maker’s Breath, we all do after that.’

Lea smiled. ‘Thanks Dorian,’ she said, her voice stronger once more. ‘Might I suggest that you three head back to Haven when you are ready? I want to brief Alistair on what happened, take his advice. Dorian can fill you in on the details. I think…..I think I just need to take a day or so.’

‘Oh, don’t worry about us,’ Dorian said breezily, ‘and as for you, why don’t you run back now to that large dashing Templar and tell him to take care of you,’ he finished with a wink.

‘Yes, go to Cullen,’ Cassandra said with a rare smile. ‘There is a very big task ahead of us that you need to be rested for. Enjoy a quick break. We will be very busy soon.’

Lea gave them all a wave, heading back to Cullen with a smile as she saw his eyes brighten at her return. He hadn’t stopped watching her, making her feel reassured, making her feel protected.

‘Feeling better, my lady?’ he murmured, tucking a stray strand of hair away from her eyes behind her ear.

‘Now I am here with you? Yes,’ she replied softly, content to stand there drinking in the sight of him, alive, well, gorgeous, smiling.

_Maker, thank you for him. I am blessed._

‘Right then, Lady Trevelyan,’ another familiar voice called to her. ‘If you’re done denouncing traitors on behalf of the Kingdom, shall we have a word? Mind you,’ Alistair said with a grin as Lea turned to him with a big smile, ‘you were quite right.’

‘Your Majesty….’ She began to curtsey, then stopped as Alistair waved a hand.

‘What on earth are you doing? There’s no one here. Besides, your brother never bothers, the cheeky blighter. So I suppose I should be grateful that you at least made the effort…..oh! lets’ go in here – then we can talk privately.’

‘Say nothing,’ Lea whispered to Cullen, who was struggling not to laugh.

‘He hasn’t changed since we were boys in the Chantry,’ he whispered back.

‘Thank the Maker,’ she replied with a hint of a smile. ‘Alistair is one of those rare royals – an honest one.’

Alistair ushered the four of them into a side room to speak more privately.

Wordlessly, she gave first him, then Leliana a hug.

‘You are both alive,’ she said, feeling the emotion rise as she watched them both look at her with surprise.

‘Riiiight, yes, we are,’ Alistair replied with a smile. ‘I take it that you were in some doubt?’

‘Trust me, after what we encountered in that other place? I needed to check,’ Lea replied, relaxing as Cullen came to stand next to her, letting her lean against him slightly.

‘Leliana…..,’ her voice broke slightly. ‘You….you saved us. You didn’t break, didn’t falter from your faith. Thank you,’ she finished quietly.

‘It is what I am here for, Lea,’ Leliana said, coming to give her a hug again. ‘Do not stop believing. The Maker has a plan and we are guided by Andraste. We will prevail.’

‘What do you feed her in that village Leliana? Lea’s language is as bad as yours that time you tried my soup,’ Alistair chuckled as Lea pulled a face at him.

‘Darling Alistair,’ Leliana smiled sweetly. ‘That. Was. Not. Lamb. You should come to Haven to see what real soup does look like.’

‘I might do one day, if foreign powers would just stop deciding to take root my kingdom,’ he replied testily.  

‘I was ranting quite happily without an audience until you snuck in all of a sudden to give it your Royal blessing. Might I also remind you that my rather un-lady like temper tantrum just uprooted said foreign power at minimal cost to you?’ Lea beamed sunnily at the King of Ferelden.

‘Hey, it’s only because you beat me to it, Lea. Next time make it a fairer contest. Oh Maker, I don’t want a next time do I? But you know what I mean,’ Alistair gave her a cheeky smile.

‘Cullen,’ he turned, ‘how are you?’

‘Very well, thank you Alistair. Or my liege? I never know which,’ Cullen replied cheerfully.

‘Maker, ten years on and I still don’t have a clue. Half the time I never even notice anyway.’    

Lea stood back, allowing the two men to speak with each other. Alistair was Alistair but he was still a king.

_Besides, it gives me the chance to appreciate, at the same time, two of the most handsome men Ferelden has ever produced. What girl wouldn’t enjoy the view?_

She knew that Cullen could feel her watching him, felt his warmth and strength resonate out to her, her magic grabbing it almost greedily, not able to get enough.

‘It is a rather marvellous sight isn’t it,’ Leliana said appreciatively, admiring them both as well. ‘I’m still not sure those two understand exactly the impact they have. They attract women – and men – like bees round honey and yet remain completely oblivious.’

‘Long may it stay that way,’ Lea smiled. ‘That lack of arrogance about their physical appearance is one of the most charming attributes both men have.’

‘It was such fun to get Alistair to blush,’ Leliana said with a hint of glee. ‘Freya and I used to have a competition, keeping a tally to see who won at the end of each day. And it was so easy. It still is, actually,’ she said, her lips curving. ‘Not to mention Cullen. They are both so similar in that regard, these men of the Chantry.’

Lea laughed out loud at that. ‘Too true! I do find it adorable though,’ she said without thinking.

‘It is a joy watching two people grow and come together the way you and Cullen have,’ Leliana said gently. ‘It gives hope that the Maker’s work is being done, to see what you have, against the strength of the adversity we face.’

‘I am blessed,’ Lea replied quietly, frantically fighting blushes herself. She didn’t have any intention of hiding her feelings for Cullen from anyone but she wasn’t used to talking about it.

_There is nothing to say, anyway. I love him. It’s that simple._

‘That must have been something, to be out with Freya during the Blight. Alistair never talked about it much, which is understandable I guess.’

‘Yes,’ Leliana said softly, her mind for a moment drifting back. ‘Ten years ago. To witness Alistair and Freya’s love blossoming with darkspawn all around us was a beacon of hope – particularly when they both survived the Archdemon. It is in much the same way as you and Cullen.’

She sighed. ‘We were almost children then, really. Both of them were still so young, only twenty-two.  Yet the weight of the world rested on them. As it does you now. So much has changed. And yet so little. Sometimes it is as if we lurch from crisis to crisis.’

At the mention of the word crisis her heart twisted painfully at what she’d seen, witnessed. Lea couldn’t reconcile that brutal future to the peace and relaxation of now.

‘I must speak with you all,’ Lea said, a note of urgency and desperation filtering into her voice as she interrupted their conversation.

Cullen looked at her sharply. She felt him reach for her, wanting to know she was alright.

‘About what happened……Alistair, I don’t know whether your schedule permits it? I would appreciate your counsel if you have time.’

‘Why don’t we dine together this evening?’ Alistair suggested. ‘There is space in my private quarters. Are we all departing tomorrow?’

‘That sounds perfect,’ Leliana agreed. ‘Why don’t you and Cullen discuss arrangements for the mages? Alistair and I have catching up to do, don’t we?’ She smiled at the King, not having missed the electricity flying between the Herald and the Commander, so strong as to be nearly visible. She tucked Alistair’s arm into hers.

‘I’d hate to deny you, Leliana. In fact, I’d be too scared to,’ Alistair quipped ‘Ow!’ he flinched as she rapped his arm. ‘Let’s meet in two hours.’

‘It really wasn’t that hard Alistair, a mere tap….’ Leliana admonished him as she towed the King of Ferelden elsewhere, closing the door firmly behind her.

Lea looked at Cullen, both of them laughing as he came towards her, enfolding her in his arms.

_The Hero of Ferelden was lucky, to be able to travel with, and fight alongside, her love. I wish I could have you by my side all the time too._

‘I needed this,’ Lea sighed in contentment as she wrapped her arms around his waist. She just leant against him, enjoying his warmth, his strength. ‘Wait, let me be more accurate – I needed you – need you.’

‘So do I,’ Cullen replied quietly, ‘Maker’s Breath, when you disappeared…..’ he couldn’t say anything further, just rested his head on hers, breathing in the scent of her just as she was him.

Cullen and Leliana had arrived as Leliana’s scouts had despatched of all the Ventatori guards. Cullen had a small troop at the ready near the outskirts of Redcliffe in case of further trouble, but had insisted on joining Leliana as she went in.

Lea remembered the raging argument in the war room between him and Leliana. Which Cullen then won, given his argument about Templar abilities being able to disrupt a Tevinter magister.

‘I could do nothing,’ he whispered with frustration into her hair, ‘I have never felt anything like that before. It had twisted the Fade….I can’t describe it.’

_The echo in my body of your lyrium pulsing, wrapped around my magic – that was all that stopped me from giving up in that nightmare of despair and death._

‘Cullen,’ she said, raising her head, her eyes looking into his, darkened with shadows, feeling his desperation and fear. ‘You could have done nothing more than you did already. That was not magic that any of us are used to. Alexius twisted the very fabric of time itself.’

He still looked unconvinced.

‘Let’s get out for a bit. Shall we go for a walk?’ she suggested ‘I could do with some fresh air. The stench of red lyrium still lingers on me.’

‘That sounds like a good idea, although you smell pretty good to me,’ Cullen smiled at her as she blushed, taking her hand in his and leading her to the door. They stepped out into the now empty hall, quickly making their way outside.

Lea gave a small gasp of pain as she remembered what the courtyard looked like last time she’d seen it. She stood and stared at the sky, almost in tears.

‘It’s blue,’ she breathed, ‘and sunny. And the battlements…’ her voice broke.

_The last one to fall…._

Cullen caught her in his arms again as she stumbled, her magic calling desperately to feel him.

She stared up at him, almost frantically.

‘Shit, Leaena,’ he said in alarm as he felt the impact of her magic surging towards him, meeting his lyrium at lighting speed, sensing her fear and despair. ‘What happened to you in there?’

Lea stared out, unseeing as she sank down to sit on the steps, the existing peaceful landscape overlain by chaos, death and sickly green. Cullen sat next to her, holding her hand.

‘Tell me what you see,’ he said softly.

‘Everyone died, Cullen. I was dead, you were dead, Alistair, everyone but Cassandra, Varric and Leliana. Leliana was tortured for a whole year…..the other two in cells…..and you….’

Her tears started to fall as Cullen held her hand tighter. It made her feel so much better to have him right there, feeling his senses right inside her.

‘These battlements were a ruin, a sign of siege after siege that had failed. You had led every single one. Armies of whole nations, destroyed. You were the last one left. You never gave up, still trying to make it right. I was relieved to hear you had died - not had to suffer in that place like the others, red lyrium growing out of your body as they tortured you. Relieved to know we would be together on the other side of the Veil. I would never want you to try and survive in that place of horrors. Death was a blessing.’

‘That was the future I saw, if I die,’ she whispered, turning to him. ‘For if I don't make it before we finish this, we all perish and the world as we know it ends, becoming a place for demons and endless torment. I cannot bear for you to be in a world of such madness.’

They looked at each other, drawing strength from one another, sharing each other's pain, letting it dissipate through their shared emotions.

‘You are here aren’t you?’ Lea whispered, her fingers shaking, tracing his face, his scar, his lips, his jaw. ‘You aren’t going to die up there?’ She faltered, trying to drop her hand in embarrassment, only to have him catch it and put it on her face again.

‘I like it there,’ Cullen said with a small smile that tugged on his lips.

_Maker, do you know how much more devastating that scar makes you look?_

‘And,’ he said firmly, ‘in answer to your question, I am right here and I’m not going anywhere.’

She went into his arms again, needing to feel his strength, his calm, hear his heartbeat again.

_Just like in Val Royaeux. You held me all night long, keeping the nightmares at bay. You were by my side through one of the hardest experiences of my life. You were there. Looking after me, taking care of me._

_Loving me._

She felt her magic subside, relax again. With a small smile, she looked up at Cullen. ‘Sorry,’ she whispered.

‘My lady Herald, how many times have I told you not to say sorry?’ he smiled at her gently. ‘Are you ready to continue?’

‘Yes please,’ she said, taking his hand once more. ‘Could we walk into the village? There are a couple of things I’d like to buy there.’

‘Of course,’ he replied as they headed down the stairs. ‘It’s a nice walk as well.’

Lea turned her face up to the sky as they passed under the battlements, facing down the open path to the village, lain out below them.

‘Maker, that sun feels good,’ she said as she looked down at her dusty travelling armour and made a face. ‘Blergh. This is all I have to wear.’

Cullen laughed at her disgruntled expression. ‘You look beautiful no matter what you are wearing, or the state it is in, Leaena. But perhaps you’d like to pick up something for later?’

‘Dress shopping, Cullen?’ Lea smiled, her eyes sparkling as she met his fiery gaze. ‘I didn’t know you had it in you.’

‘Maker forbid,’ he replied, his voice filled with mock horror. ‘But if you would like to find something, then I am happy to wait for you.’

‘I might,’ she said with a grimace. ‘We are having dinner with a King after all. Now that I was not expecting. You know, along with falling into an alternate reality and battling a Tevinter magister.’

Cullen stopped, looking at her intently. ‘That reality is not going to happen. You defeated it. This,’ he gestured around him, before placing her hand over his, ‘this, is reality.’

Shakily, Lea smiled. ‘And new clothes. They are important in this life too.’

‘Well then, that does it – a new dress for you for tonight. And, I will have you back in good time so you can bathe and rest a bit,’ he promised as they reached the village. ‘I grant you, Alistair’s arrival was not expected.’

He stopped for a second, looking at her with mirth in his eyes. ‘It seems you know the King of Ferelden somewhat better than you let on, my lady.’

Lea blushed furiously at her deception. ‘I do,’ she said slowly. ‘I used to visit the Denerim Circle regularly to do research and to study with Freya – my sister introduced us. I got invited to court often and Alistair, Freya and I became good friends, particularly once Cadan went to serve them.’

She felt her blush spread all over her face and down her neck. ‘I’m sorry I lied. I just felt a bit embarrassed….’

‘Why?’ Cullen asked in confusion.

Lea sighed. ‘I was so used to people bitching about it at me in the Circle I got used to covering up who I knew. Either they were jealous or wanted to curry favour. I wasn’t interested in getting involved in anyone else’s politics.’

Feeling her whole face now aflame, she looked down at her boots as she scuffed one toe over another.

‘You don’t seem to like nobles much. I….I didn’t want you to think less of me because I might have been boasting of connections, or….I don’t know. I just wanted you to think the best of me. Which has kind of backfired,’ she stammered, daring to peek a look at his face.

_I don’t know why I am bothering trying to hide how silly I feel. He knows, and I can feel his amusement right back. And…yes that too._

_Maker, I love this man. Thank you for keeping him safe._

‘Come here, my lady Herald,’ Cullen said as he drew her to him, trying very hard to be serious.

‘I know you’re trying not to laugh,’ Lea accused, ‘so you may as well and get it out of your system.’

‘But why would I do that, when there is such a golden opportunity to make your face go that rather becoming shade of rosy red again?’ he said, grinning. ‘Now, I have trapped you so you can’t run away. Because I do want to know why it bothers you.’

Cullen had her held right up against his body once more, his hands round her waist and hands whilst he laughed down at her. Golden sparks highlighted his tawny eyes, filled with happiness at the simple pleasure of being able to hold her once more.

_Andraste save me, this feels incredible, to be so close to you._

‘Well, alright,’ she said, biting her lip, thinking for a moment. ‘Does it concern you that I’m from a noble family?’

‘No!’ he said with surprise. ‘I hadn’t considered it.’ Cullen paused, suddenly uncertain. ‘Does it make a difference to you that I’m not? I have no title outside the Inquisition.’

‘Of course it doesn’t!’ she exclaimed. ‘It has never even entered my head. And you know my brothers - my whole family has the ability to see beyond a name. But,’ she said looking at him with a big smile, ‘I am glad my title didn’t scare you off.’

‘So remind me then, why are we having this conversation?’ Cullen said teasingly.

‘I have no idea,’ Lea said with mock indignation. ‘You started it!’

Cullen then bent his head to hers, capturing her lips for a kiss.

_Well! that’s one way to end a discussion. You can do that again if you like, Commander._

\------

Lea felt Cullen move closer towards her room, waiting patiently outside for her. He didn’t need to knock – he knew she would come out soon. Her magic did its usual celebration dance with his lyrium at the feel of him so close by, making her smile to herself.

After her thoroughly enjoyable afternoon with Cullen, Lea had managed to find a new outfit for the evening, as well as find the toffee and whiskey she’d been wanting to buy. Cullen had looked at her quizzically as she selected the bottle of single malt, but not said anything further. 

_He just knew how to make me feel better, how to banish the demons of the morning and bring me back to this present, the one where we will win._

Lea finished brushing her hair out, just parting it and letting it hang loose. She adjusted the navy blue velvet dress she’d found in the village, quickly checking the mirror to make sure everything was where it should be. It was a simple design, gathered and belted loosely round her waist with flowing fluted sleeves in the Ferelden style. It had even come with matching slippers.

Alistair never stood on ceremony, but it just wasn’t done to sit down to dinner with a King in filthy armour.

_And I like see the glow in Cullen’s eyes when he watches at me. When that tawny-golden blaze begins to burns that means he wants me, like when I wear my black armour – Maker, one look from him and I’m on fire._

Feeling the heat rise in her as Lea thought back to that training morning for the hundredth time, she knew the particular dance she and Cullen were currently engaged in was going to change its tempo very soon.

Cullen had given her another lingering, gentle kiss earlier outside the village which had the sole effect of leaving her screaming for more. These chaste kisses were becoming increasingly frustrating. Really, it was all she could do to not grab him and give him a proper kiss for the first time, then seeing where it led.

But she couldn’t complain about the pace, not really.

_I got to know the man, and he to know me. We became friends as well as developing this amazing connection._

Shaking her head, she would think about that later. Now, they were dining with a king.

Satisfied with her appearance, she opened the door, a big smile on her face as Cullen held out his hand to her, pulling her close.

‘You look stunning, Lady Trevelyan,’ he murmured. He gave her a slow kiss in a particularly sensitive spot just behind her ear, making her shiver in delight. ‘I have a particular fondness for you in armour, but I could get used to seeing you in this dress every day as well.’

_Those tawny-gold eyes are burning. Maker, how long am I expected to wait before I self-combust!_

‘It too is a rare treat for me to see you in something else, Commander Rutherford,’ Lea replied, pleasure humming through her at his compliment.

He was wearing Ferelden court attire in dark brown, very similar to what Cadan had on in Val Royaeux. Although it was a loose fit, it moulded to him perfectly. Lea took her time, letting her gaze linger over his perfectly proportioned body.

‘You suit this very well, Cullen.’ Lea said with admiration, and was delighted to see a blush stain across his cheeks slightly as he offered her his arm to walk to Alistair’s chambers.

‘I had the same dilemma you did,’ he laughed. ‘Nothing to wear for dinner with a king, no matter how informal that king might be. Alistair kindly provided this and I might steal it from him. It is comfortable.’

‘Josephine will have a fit. It is far too simple for what she considers appropriate for formal wear. So good luck with that argument,’ Lea said cheerfully.

‘Maker, no I am not going down that road! That armour in Val Royaeux was more than enough, and to be decked out in anything remotely Orlesian is never going to happen. How do those men do anything with those ridiculous breeches on?’ Cullen complained.

His whole face went flame red at Lea’s next words.

‘Oh I don’t know, Commander,’ Lea said slowly, her lips curving. ‘I can think of plenty of reasons why I’d like to see those ridiculous breeches on you. Starting with the view from behind and slowly working my way round.’

_I can feel you wanting me. Like I want you. Oh Maker, this is getting very difficult to hold back from._

Just at that convenient point in the conversation, they arrived at Alistair’s chambers, quickly being ushered in by a guard.

‘My, Cullen, you look fine in that outfit,’ Leliana said as they welcomed each other, smiling a little as she sent Cullen even further into a silent blushing fit. 

Lea reached her magic out to him, sliding over his senses as she felt his heat and desire for her radiate.

‘Alistair, we’ll have to commission you to design all of the Inquisition’s uniforms,’ Lea said as she gave him a hug. ‘Imagine, if you didn’t have the fun of being king you could have had a glittering career in fashion.’

‘Well there is always that option if I get bored with this,’ Alistair replied, ‘Or, even better, I could combine the two. King one day, leading light in the bazaars of Val Royaeux the next. I might even suggest it to Eamon.’

‘Do,’ Lea laughed. ‘I can’t wait to hear about his reaction.’

Alistair gestured for them all to sit down.

‘I thought we’d keep this dinner very informal, seeing as there is plenty we need to discuss,’ Alistair said, all traces of his light-heartedness gone.

This was instead the man who was turning Ferelden into a leading power, slowly reversing decades of mismanagement, neglect and war. Lea knew few got to see this side, Alistair very successfully using his relaxed demeanour as cover to manipulate events to his liking.

‘I’ve briefed Alistair fully on the Inquisition and its activities, including this new threat from the Venatori and the Elder One,’ Leliana confirmed.

‘We were grateful to you for sending Cadan to assist us,’ Cullen said. ‘We have made a start in Ferelden to boost the Inquisition’s influence and standing simply because it is more stable than Orlais at present.’

‘Ferelden’s armies are stretched to capacity. That wretched spat between those two has tied up most of my forces along the Orlesian border,’ Alistair said irritably. ‘When the mages and Templars decided to start hurling insults at one another I had so little to spare to send to the Hinterlands. I was grateful for the Inquisition’s intervention.’

‘Yes, Cadan discussed that with us,’ Cullen replied. ‘We just wanted to clarify to you that the Inquisition had no intention of usurping Ferelden’s sovereignty in the area. But the Conclave was called to try and stop the fighting, therefore we felt it our obligation to follow through with Divine Justinia’s directive.’

‘I’m not complaining at all, don’t worry about that,’ Alistair grinned, letting himself relax for a bit before going more sombre again.

‘The other issue are these fade rifts. I have demons rampaging over my lands unchecked. They are causing untold damage to people’s lives and livelihoods. What in Andraste’s name are those things?’

‘They are tears in the Veil caused by the Breach,’ Lea replied. ‘And that is where I, as Herald of Andraste come in. After waking up at the Conclave, I was found to have magic which means they can be closed.’

She held out her hand for Alistair to see the flicker of green under her skin.

‘Maker’s Breath, Lea!’ he said in astonishment. ‘I’m not sure I want more details. It is a shame Freya isn’t here – she’d be fascinated.’

Lea’s heart went out to Alistair at the look of pain he couldn’t conceal at the mention of the Hero.

_If anyone ever wants to see true love in action, these two are it. They are inseparable. This parting must cause both of them great suffering._

‘It doesn’t hurt any more and it only sparks into life near a rift. I think, with Redcliffe now resolved, the Hinterlands, Fallow Mire and the Storm Coast are now clear.’

‘That is good news indeed, Lea. I shall let the Inquisition know if any more make an appearance in Ferelden.’

‘I would be grateful, Alistair. I am the only person capable of sealing them so any extra intelligence we can gather is highly useful.’ She took a deep breath before continuing.

‘Now, with the mages support enlisted we can at long last deal with the threat of the Breach. I will close it in the next few days with their help, then move onto addressing the wider issue of finding who caused this whole mess in the first place.’

Lea paused, reaching for her wine glass to compose herself. Cullen’s senses wrapped around her magic, holding her, giving her strength to continue.

‘You might have thought I was a bit harsh on Fiona,’ she started.

‘No. You weren’t. The woman annoyed me. Everything you said was true,’ Alistair stated baldly.

‘Thank you,’ she smiled softly before continuing.  

‘I have seen the future if we fail,’ she said quietly, her voice almost a whisper as she looked at each one of them in turn. ‘Both Ferelden’s and the Inquisition’s armies crushed to dust against the walls of Redcliffe. Empress Celene assassinated and a demon horde sweeping across Orlais.’

‘Celene assassinated!’ Leliana gasped. ‘I must get my spies onto this immediately.’

‘Red lyrium,’ she said tonelessly, trying to fight the nausea she felt at the simple memory of the twisted substance oozing from every corner of the castle. ‘Red lyrium is key here, although I don’t quite understand why. Fuck, Fiona had it growing out of her…..they were mining it from her……’

Cullen reached for her hand under the table, holding it, giving her strength. Lea clung onto him as she continued, struggling to maintain her composure.

‘Alistair,’ she said urgently, ‘it is of vital importance that you instruct your men to steer clear if they come across it. Alert the Inquisition if you find any. We will deal with it.’

He nodded. ‘Tell us what happened while you were in that, if you can, Lea.’

‘Dorian and I were dumped in the basement of Redcliffe’s dungeons a year after the confrontation in the throne room,’ Lea continued slowly. ‘We found Varric and Cassandra and made our way to confront Alexis. The Breach had spread across the whole sky with Fade rifts everywhere. We found you….’ her voice shook slightly as she looked at Leliana.

Cullen held her hand firmly, reassuring her, supporting her.

‘They had tortured you, for a year, yet still you kept faith with the Maker. Everyone else was dead – me, both of you, Josephine, Celene, everyone from Haven. There was nothing left aside from chaos. With my death and the loss of the Mark, this Elder One was able to have free rein across Thedas.’

Lea took another swallow from her drink, silent as she tried to focus on the details rather than the horror.  

‘We managed to make it to Alexius. He had been using this magic to give him the ability to travel in time. He was convinced this Elder One is the only thing that can save his son, Felix, who had been tainted by darkspawn. Maker, by the end the poor man was a walking corpse!’

She took a deep breath, unconsciously reaching for her magic to help calm her, relaxing slightly as she felt Cullen wind his senses round hers.  

‘They were trying to reach the time before the Conclave, to prevent my appearing and disrupting whatever ritual they had planned. Apparently I am a mistake and he was trying to repair it before the Elder One arrived to finish him off. But it was proving impossible for them to travel back before the Breach because of its magic. He had failed.’

‘We killed him, then Dorian grabbed his amulet. Varric, Cassandra and you gave us enough time to go back though the time rift.’ Lea looked at everyone sat silently as she recounted what happened. 'The Elder One is seeking a return to the rise of the ancient Tevinter Imperium, something that has not existed for over a thousand years. There must be something in that which we can use to identify him or her further.'

‘It was real, what happened there. The suffering people went through was unfathomable. You three died to save us, and for that we will forever be grateful,’ Lea finished, whispering, looking at Leliana, unable to say more.

She felt Cullen’s hand holding hers as tightly as he could without hurting her, felt his warmth flow through to her.

_I will never let that future occur. I will not die. I will keep you safe, just as you keep me safe._

‘Maker,’ Alistair breathed, ‘this Elder One sounds like a positive barrel of laughs. Remind me to not answer the door if he comes knocking at my kingdom.’

Lea gave a shaky laugh at Alistair’s return to his usual self, breaking the tension in the room.

‘Regardless of how we got it, we have valuable information on our enemy,’ Leliana said briskly. ‘I will have my agents look into it straight away. This business with Celene must be a priority.’

‘Agreed,’ Alistair said. ‘We will happily share any information that we can gather on this Elder One. Cadan can coordinate with you.’

He thought for a second. ‘In terms of numbers, we will have to look at some sort of repatriation for Redcliffe so I can placate Tegan. If Celene and Gaspard can kiss and make up soon, however, then I can release some of our troops to you, Cullen.’

‘We would appreciate any support Ferelden can give, Alistair,’ Cullen thanked him.

Lea looked across at him. ‘I had another question, Alistair. What has happened to the Grey Wardens? Do you know anything?’

Alistair sat silently for a moment, weighing up what to share.

‘They have disappeared. I suspect they have withdrawn to Adamant but you will need to find another Grey Warden contact who has more information than me. Freya has…Freya has gone on a different quest completely.’ He made no secret to hide his distress.

‘Are you alright, Alistair?’ Leliana asked with a look of concern.

‘Oh you know me, it’s all…’ he sighed. ‘I miss her. Every moment of every day. But she’s coming back to me. We think we may have found a way to reverse the Calling.’

‘Maker, that is news indeed,’ Leliana gasped.

‘She has gone deep out to the West to explore it. She is getting closer. Soon, she will be back and I will be reunited with her once more. I will never leave her side again,’ he finished with uncharacteristic vehemence.

‘I was pleased the Circles fell, Maker forgive me,’ he carried on, softly. ‘When I granted the mages their freedom, what good did it do me when the Chantry turned round and said ‘erm no’? I couldn’t marry Freya, no matter that she has noble lineage once the Champion took Kirkwall by storm and restored the Amell name.’  

‘But now,’ he carried on, getting more excited, ‘with everything up in the air, things will be different. The Chantry is not organised enough to tell me no any more. I am Ferelden’s king and I will not live without her again. She will become Ferelden’s Queen.’

‘That is wonderful news, Alistair,’ Lea said warmly. ‘I hope she returns soon for your sake. I imagine her reaction to this was equally as thrilled.’

‘Um, well….I haven’t actually told her yet,’ Alistair said, looking sheepish.

‘Oh Alistair,’ Leliana scolded, ‘have you not even asked her to marry you yet?’

‘Well, there’s been a lot going on!’ he protested. ‘I was going to surprise her. You know, she’s all like, ‘hey look at me with my cure for the Calling,’ and I’m like, ‘hey look at me with my new law that says you will be my Queen or else,’ kind of thing.’

‘I wish you luck with that one, King of Fereden or no,’ Cullen grinned at the look of outrage on both women’s faces.

‘No no, Alistair, have we not been here before? This will not do at all,’ Leliana argued, before launching into a detailed list of things Alistair just had to arrange immediately.

The King of Ferelden looked increasingly besieged. ‘Surely I don’t have to do all of that!’

Smiling, Lea looked at Cullen, her heart nearly stopping to see his wonderful eyes on fire, fierce with pride for her.

He said nothing, just drew her to him so he could sit with his arm around her, holding her close as they watched the Nightingale of the Inquisition and the King of Ferelden squabble first over the size of a seating plan, then on what shoes he should wear to propose, before moving onto the actual proposal itself.

‘Can I remind you that you once asked me if I was female, that most romantic of all questions? So how can you be the better judge of this?’ Leliana looked at the King as if he was a naughty child.

‘It was once! Maker’s Breath, you will never let me forget! I think I know by now that Freya is female!’ Alistair complained.

‘Andraste preserve me, don’t make it worse!’ Leliana looked shocked. ‘We do not need to know such details, thank you very much!’

Lea felt Cullen shaking with laughter he was trying to hide. ‘Imagine what travelling with these two must have been like. Your very own on the road brother and sister, permanently fighting. How did Freya ever get anything done?’ he whispered to her.

Just as Cullen pressed a kiss to her temple, Alistair called over to her.

‘Oh that’s good. Well done Lea - Freya will always tell you – we Templars are the best. You know. Big, strong, rawrrrrr. Her words, not mine. But don’t quote me. Please. Because, you know, awkward and all. I might just stop there, shall I?’

As Cullen, holding her tight, finally dissolved into laughter behind her, Leliana’s face a picture as she too battled to hide her smile, Alistair gave her his best cheeky grin.

_Ah Alistair, you have always had the knack of alleviating doom and gloom, even at your own lowest points. It is a precious gift, to remind us of what we have, what we are fighting for._

_I know Freya will return to you soon. Thank you for being you, my friend._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PookatheCat has a wonderful story following Alistair and his Warden, Rori which you can view here:
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/2776832/chapters/6227786
> 
> This chapter allowed me to shamelessly indulge with my two favourite Dragon Age: Origins companions. Alistair as sole king also left very little in terms of Inquisition interaction which I found disappointing, so I have loved having the opportunity to explore what he does in my DA:I universe.


	35. Exodus

Her whole body was abuzz with the power of her Mark reverberating against the Breach. Behind her, the very strongest of mages in Thedas stood ready to support her in closing the gaping hole in the sky.

Lea stood, looking at the fire in her hand that was burning with an intensity she hadn’t felt since those first days of being gifted with the Mark.

_Will it go away? Will it burn me out? Is this enough?_

_I will come back to you._

Cassandra and Solas looked at her, questioningly.

With an imperceptible nod of her head, Lea walked forward to the grinding, twisting core of the Breach.

‘Mages!’ Cassandra cried.

‘Focus past the Herald!' Solas called. ‘Let her will draw from you!’

Lea lifted her hand, holding it directly towards the wellspring of chaos as flames ignited from her hand towards the knotted wrongness in the sky.

She could feel her whole body burn, mind screaming with the combined might of the mages which she drew towards her, fuelling her green fire towards the heavens.

Lea was shaking with the force of the magic coursing through her. She was barely able to stay upright as she channelled every single last bit of power she could gather, forcing the gaping tear in the Veil closed.

Suddenly, her arm snapped back, the flames within her abruptly doused. Lea was thrown back by the force of pressure overwhelming her as she felt the Breach seal, a green wave of pure energy reverberating across the Temple.

She lay there for a moment before crawling to her knees, battling wave after wave of nausea, a headache threatening to cripple her.

_Did we do it? Dare I hope?_

Lea felt Cassandra approach and looked up at her, a question in her eyes she didn’t have the courage to voice out loud.

‘You did it,’ she said in wonder, as Lea staggered to her feet.

Turning, she heard the whole Temple echo with cheers.

Lea took a deep breath, feeling better by the second as the magic from her Mark receded.

For a moment within her, exultation warred with sadness, for all that had been lost.

_Look where it has led me. Maker no, I cannot feel sorry, not when I think what we have gained. For the world._

_For me._

_We did it._

_‘_ Let’s leave this cursed place,’ Lea said to Cassandra, a smile slowly spreading across her face. ‘We are done here.’

\---------

Her magic sang, vibrating with happiness, seeking out the one person she wanted to see right now, impatiently needing to be closer to him.

Lea had felt him searching for her anxiously, loving the thrill of feeling their senses connect, enjoying the sheer wonder of being alive, to see him again.

Cullen had been waiting at the Chantry for her. She could feel his lyrium pulsing faster and harder as she approached, pulling her closer to him almost desperately.

His eyes were a blaze of amber gold, making her heart stop at the messages there for her, never more clearly displayed there than before. Need, want, desire. Love.

‘Herald,’ Cullen said quietly as Lea walked straight towards him, smiling at her like she was the only person in the world.

‘Commander,’ she replied, unable to control her smile of joy.

Lea vaguely sensed people around them, who she completely ignored.

_Andraste has blessed me, bought me here to you._

_What did I do to deserve you?_

He pulled her into his arms, holding her tightly. ‘Maker’s Breath…to not feel you….to watch the sky contort as you forced the Breach close…..I was frightened for you.’

‘I will never leave you,’ she said vehemently. ‘I promise you.’   

‘Congratulations,’ he whispered as he released her, looking at her, holding that image of her in his memory.

‘We all did it,’ Lea whispered. ‘Everyone. I just pointed my hand at the sky.’

Cullen laughed at that, releasing her slowly. ‘Walk with me?’

‘As if you need to ask,’ she smiled at him.

They headed to a small rise just by the side of the Chantry. Lea looked up at the sky, still showing signs of where the Breach had been, but no longer filled with the twisting nether of the Fade.

‘This was a victory,’ she said quietly, leaning against him, absorbing his strength as she watched the villagers celebrate. ‘But there is still so much to do.’

He gave a low chuckle as he kissed the top of her head. ‘There is. This was a vital success for us – the first of many, might I add. Our enemies are numerous. But our friends and allies grow in number.’

‘Yes,’ Lea smiled, remembering Redcliffe. ‘Alistair’s support is invaluable to us right now. That was a fun evening. Just what I needed to take my mind away from that horrendous alternate reality.’

‘Maker’s Breath!’ Cullen grinned, then sobered. ‘I don’t think I will ever look at Alistair or Leliana in the same light again for that matter after those stories. When you think what they went through to end the Blight…’

‘I know,’ Lea replied quietly. ‘And Freya being away. Alistair is in so much pain. I felt sad there was nothing I could do to help. Maybe a few days of Cadan’s company will cheer him up.’

Her twin had left Haven the day before, promising to return soon.

Cullen was about to reply, then stopped, looking to the mountains.

Lea looked out into the distance, noticing for the first time small lights.

She felt Cullen’s lyrium stir, curious, then turning into outright concern.

‘Leaena,’ he said urgently, ‘get to the gates. That is an army heading towards us.’

She gasped in horror, breaking into a run as he pulled her by her hand, shouting for a guard to sound the alarm.

The bells of Haven tolled ominously as they made their way quickly to the main gate, the previous celebratory atmosphere wiped out in a second.

Cullen was shouting to his men to take up their arms, to ready themselves for this new threat. One of his lieutenants ran up to confer with him quickly.

_Quite frankly, I am getting mightily pissed off with all of this._

_Whoever has interrupted me and Cullen this time will live to regret it._

Leliana, Josephine and Cassandra joined them at the gates a moment later.

‘Cullen?’ Cassandra demanded.

‘One watchguard reports a massive force, the bulk of which is over the mountain,’ he said grimly.

‘Under what banner?’ Josephine said, confused.

Cullen hesitated a minute before replying. ‘None,’ he said softly.

‘None?’ Josephine was incredulous.

Suddenly a loud bang rocked the gates to Haven, a voice crying desperately outside to come in.

Lea nodded to the guards to open the door, her staf already in her hands. She heard Cullen draw his sword as he walked forward just behind her.

Bodies lay scattered on the ground, an enemy soldier in Tevinter armour menacingly walking forward to them. But as both Cullen and Lea prepared to strike, the soldier suddenly crumpled.

‘I’m Cole,’ a young man said breathlessly. ‘I came to warn you – to help. People are coming to hurt you. But you probably already know that.’

_What in the Maker’s name is that on his head?_

'What is this?’ Lea asked impatiently. ‘What’s going on?’

‘The Templars come to kill you…..’

‘The Templars?’ Cullen shouted angrily. ‘Is this the Order’s response to our talks with the mages? Attacking blindly?’

‘The Red Templars went to the Elder One,’ Cole replied before turning to Lea.

_Samson….red….red lyrium….red Templars._

_Oh Maker._

‘You know him and he knows you,’ Cole continued desperately. ‘You took his mages. There.’

He gestured up to a crest on the hill. A grotesque misshapen form loomed over Haven, flanked by a familiar face.

‘Samson,’ two people hissed before Cullen looked at her in surprise.

‘You know him?’

‘Long story,’ Lea replied. ‘Let’s get this threat dealt with first and I’ll tell you everything.’

‘He’s very angry with you because you took his mages,’ Cole continued.

‘Cullen, what next?’ Lea asked.

He paused, thinking furiously. ‘Haven is no fortress. If we are to withstand this monster then we must control the battle. We’ll get out there and hit that force with everything we can.’

Lea looked at her companions who had all come down to the gate, all of them looking anxious, all wanting to help. Sera, Blackwall, Bull, Vivienne…

_Urgh._

She knew immediately who to take. This called for experience fighting together. ‘Varric, Cassandra, Solas – let’s go. We’ll protect the trebuchets first, make sure they are firing. The rest of you, stay with Cullen and follow his orders.’

Lea looked at Cullen in that instant, not needing to say anything, seeing his eyes on fire with anger, frustration, worry. Her magic was so merged with his he knew how she felt, just as she could feel him.

_Maker keep you safe. I can’t live without you._

_Come back to me._

Lea turned and ran into the heat of battle.

\-------

‘That is not good!’ Varric yelled, as their trebuchet turned into a pile of smoking rubble.

_That is a fucking dragon. An archdemon?_

‘Fall back!’ Lea cried, as they all ran as fast as they could.

Cullen was at the gate, shouting for people to get in.

‘We’ve got to get back to the Chantry,’ he shouted to her as they ran up the steps. ‘It’s the only building that might hold against that….beast!’

‘At this point,’ he sighed angrily, ‘just make them work for it.’

‘Cullen!’ Lea called as he walked off.

She sensed his devastation at the attack, his fury at the Templars, his sheer overwhelming despair that he might not be able to do anything.

_Might not be able to protect me._

‘We’ll clear the village, make sure everyone has made it to the Chantry. We’ll meet you there and make the next plan.’

Seeing him gesture in frustration, she caught his arm, held his gaze just for a second.

‘We will find a way through this. Have faith.’

_Let me protect you. It is not an easy role switch for you, I know._

_But we will persevere. We have to._

He nodded and ran as they started their sweep of the village.

\--------

‘Move….keep moving….’

‘Chancellor!’ Lea said, appalled at his condition. ‘What happened?

‘The Chantry is your shelter…’ he collapsed into Cole’s arms.

‘He tried to stop a Templar,’ Cole explained as he helped him down. ‘The blade went deep. He’s going to die.’

‘What a …..charming boy,’ Roderick gasped.

Just then, Cullen found them.

‘My lady Herald,’ he said, sounding broken, never something she associated with Cullen. ‘Our position is not good. That dragon stole back any time you might have earned us. It has cut a path for that army. They’ll kill everyone in Haven!’

She felt his lyrium twist in pain, wanting to keep her safe.

‘The Elder One doesn’t care about the village,’ Cole replied scornfully. ‘He only wants the Herald.’

‘Alright,’ Lea said, looking at Cole. ‘How do I stop him?’

_OK I didn’t understand a word of that._

‘Leaena….’ Cullen pulled her to one side, desperation in his voice. ‘There are no tactics to make this survivable. The only thing that slowed them was the avalanche. We could turn the remaining trebuchets, cause one last slide.’

‘We’d bury Haven!’ Lea said in horror.

_I will not accept this!_

‘We’re dying anyway,’ he said softly, not leaving her gaze. ‘We can decide how. Many don’t get that choice. Maker....' he broke off, his voice a world of torment. 'I can't lose you!'

_Maker take it all to the Veil, NO!_

_I will not lose you! Not now! Not ever!_

The pain inside of her was so intense, their shared senses in anguish, disbelieving that it could come to this. His eyes were the darkest she’d ever seen, filled with despair, failure and regret.

_You have not failed me, Commander. Far from it._

_You saved me._

‘No,’ Lea said firmly, looking at him. ‘There is another way. There has to be. I won’t admit defeat to this monster. We will find a way, Cullen.' 

‘Chancellor Roderick can help,’ Cole called softly, bringing them both rushing over. ‘He wants to say it before he dies.’

‘There is a path,’ the Chancellor began haltingly, ‘You wouldn’t know it, unless you’ve made the summer pilgrimage as I have. The people can escape….Andraste must have shown me so I could tell you.’

‘Will it work Cullen?’ Lea looked at him, hope flaring in her once more.

‘Possibly, if Roderick can show us the path. But Leaena…..’ he stopped, making her almost gasp at the torment that flared from him, his lyrium desperately holding onto her magic, his heart screaming.

‘What of your escape?’ he whispered.

Lea looked at Cullen, memories of him flashing through her mind.

_Your strength…..warm-toffee-whiskey……your eyes…..citrus cedarwood……your lyrium….daggers…._

_In your arms. Safe. Protected._

‘Cullen,’ she said so softly no one else could hear, stepping towards him.

‘I have not come all this way, been through everything I have been through, only to have some sack of bones I wouldn’t feed a dog! - prevent me from being with you.’

She stopped, gazing in his eyes, her magic letting him see, feel – know - her need, want, desire. Her love for him. For the first time, all together. Her magic was singing to him, reassuring him, comforting him. Just like all the times he had her.

Slowly, she felt him respond, start to feel more positive. That there may be a chance.

‘You are going to lead everyone to safety above the tree line. I am going to go out there now, and I am going to figure out what the fuck is going on. Once I see your signal I will get out of there and give this bastard a setback he will not forget in a hurry.’

Lea took a deep breath, willing her heart to slow. Their bodies were so close together she could feel his heat, the scent of him filtering through her senses. Even at a time like this her want for Cullen was at a fever pitch.

‘Then, I will come and find you. I promise. Search for me, as you always do.’

_It is my turn to look after you._

‘Just one final thought. I will finish this nonsense outside and, as I said before, I am not going to deny myself any more. Make of that what you will, Commander.’

Lea took great delight in seeing those tawny-amber gold eyes start to blaze as he looked back at her, knowing what she wanted, certain she would come back to finally, properly explore what was between them for the first time.

She could feel the final change in Cullen as he moved from despair to hope, desire flaring, his need for her intensifying.

With one last searing look between them, seeing from the fire in Cullen’s gaze, feeling from his senses everything she needed to know, Lea turned away.

_Maker, I am in a bad mood!_

Stopping briefly by Chancellor Roderick, she put a hand on his shoulder. ‘Andraste guide you, Chancellor,’ she whispered as she left.

She stalked towards the exit to the Chantry, now in an absolute fury, swearing in her rage as they left.

‘Why does this have to bloody well happen right now! Solas! Varric! Cassandra! Let’s go kill shit! I need it! I am so fucking angry! Who the fuck is this sorry excuse for a fucking darkspawn interfering in my fucking life? I’ll make him wish he’d never had access to the fucking Fade the wanker……..’

\------

_He’s convinced he’s a God._

_He’s deranged._

_If you were a God why the fuck would you make yourself look like that? He looks ridiculous!_

Lea had identified some minutes ago how she was going to escape. The trebuchet was loaded and she thought she could hit it free. Now, she just needed to get in the right position.

Varric, Cassandra and Solas had made it back to the Chantry after they killed a huge red lyrium monster, just as the dragon struck. It left her to face Corypheus alone which was fine – she wanted to know they were safe.

He’d tried to take her mark back using some sort of orb, and Lea got perverse satisfaction in the fact that he couldn’t.

She’d then let him ramble on and on and on about how she was a mistake, and he was the only God for this world and the Tevinter Imperium would rise again, and that the Maker’s seat was empty.

Lea had tuned out most of it, instead letting her mind fill with images of Cullen, his eyes, his face, his hair, his laugh, his voice….

This creature’s goal was to have her in mindless terror. And Lea was not going to oblige him.

_Dangling from the arm of a darkspawan is not the ideal escape location…_

_Ooof! That’ll do it. But I’m on the trebuchet. And I have a sword…there!_

_Cullen’s flare!_

She saw Corypheus advance on her, preparing to slay her.

‘Blah, blah, "My cult is better than yours". I've heard it a thousand times,’ Lea shouted scornfully at the advancing darkspawn.

‘You expect me to fight, but that’s not why I kept you talking. Enjoy your victory – here’s your prize!’

She kicked the trebuchet into action, jumping off and running in the opposite direction.

_Away from the crazy Tevinter and his pet dragon! Quick!_

_Thank the Maker! He’s flown off!_

_Oh shit…._

Lea went flying into an underground tunnel just as the avalanche hit Haven.

\--------

Cullen allowed himself a split second of time to watch Leaena leave the Chantry. He smiled as she turned the air blue around her, so typical when she was fighting her fear and trying to stay strong.

_Maker, she is stronger than anyone I have ever met. If anyone can do this, she can._

_As for not denying herself any more? My lady, we are only just beginning._

_Maker keep you safe, Leaena. Hurry back to me._

He had every intention of showing her exactly what he hadn’t been able to put into words once they were out of this mess. Leaena had given him faith again.

_I should never have doubted. She will do this._

He spun round, barking orders at his men, getting people moving.  

‘Inquisition! Quickly everyone!’ Cullen shouted. ‘Follow the Chancellor out of Haven! We must be quick – the Herald can only buy us so much time!’

People were running terrified, to the path under the Chantry that offered the only hope of salvation. They went in their hundreds, the Inquisition forces, the mages, everyone who had joined them, along with the villagers.

They streamed up the mountainside quickly, away from the eyes of the monster. Cullen waited till the very last moment to close the door and leave himself, just on the mad chance Leaena might be able to join them.

His heart jumped then sank again when he saw Cassandra, Varric and Solas running towards him.

‘She has engaged the monster,’ Cassandra said, breathless. ‘We must leave now, Cullen!’

His heart in agony, his lyrium protesting the further he went from her, Cullen slammed the heavy door closed before running after the others to the mountain path.

They made it in good time up the mountainside. Cullen could just see the shape of an enormous dragon flying, just like a blight on the landscape.

‘Keep moving north,’ he shouted. ‘We must put distance between ourselves and Haven.’

_Andraste guide you, my lady._

He fired the flare in the air, watching it fly bright red deep into the dark night sky.

A minute later there was a thunderous explosion. The avalanche took seconds to reach Haven, burying the headquarters of the fledgling Inquisition in the snow.

As he watched the dragon fly off, the screeching chilling him to his core, Cullen didn’t care about Haven. If there was an avalanche, it meant Leaena had managed to trigger the trebuchet.

There was a good chance she was alive.

_Come to me. Let me find you._

Turning, he headed north with the vanguard of the Inquisition, already starting to search for traces of magic that would lead him to her.

\-------

They had made camp an hour ago in a sheltered gully on the mountainside. The atmosphere was so tense, arguments were breaking out left right and centre. No one knew what to do or where to go.

And no one had any idea what had happened to the Herald.

After another circular argument with Leliana and Josephine, Cullen gave up and walked to the edge of the camp’s entrance. He had wanted to go back and look for Leaena, so convinced he was that she lived.

_She promised. Leaena doesn’t break a promise._

Cassandra had threatened to have Bull sit on him if he didn’t stay put.

He was exhausted from the flight from Haven, from continually seeking, searching for magic, casting as far a net as he could to not miss her. He was still searching, still praying, still hoping.

Cullen felt the Tevinter mage approach him.

‘Penny for your thoughts, Commander? Or perhaps a fine Tevinter copper instead?’ Dorian said, sensing the other man’s need to distract himself.

‘When we were in Haven, I thought our only option was how spitefully we could end things,’ Cullen replied quietly, looking out across the path below.

Dorian chuckled. ‘Dying is typically a last resort, not a first. For a Templar, you do think like a blood mage.’

Cullen had to smile at that. ‘It was all rather dramatic of me wasn’t it? The Herald put me straight soon enough. All my hope had gone, but she managed to convince me otherwise.’

‘And now?’ Dorian asked.

‘As ever, Leaena was right. We escaped. She set the avalanche off. I…’ Cullen’s words lost him for a moment, feeling a need for her so intense it nearly sent him to his knees.

‘I am just waiting for the final piece now,’ he finished softly. ‘I am waiting for her to return to us.’

_To me._

_She said she would come back._

Dorian was quiet for a moment, considering what to say. ‘The Herald is a resourceful woman, Commander. We had quite the head start on her.’

Cullen nodded his agreement, saying nothing. His lyrium was searching, desperate within him to find her signature.

He suddenly swayed at the force of her magic meeting his senses.

_Leaena!_

Cullen started to run towards where she was.

‘I presume that’s the Herald,’ Dorian chuckled, before calling to Cassandra. The whole camp revitalised at the news, Cassandra issuing orders to help the Commander return with the Herald.

Cullen hadn’t even said a word – he’d just taken off, unclasping his cloak as he ran.  

Her magic was faint, he could feel her exhaustion. She was near the point of giving up. His lyrium called, pulling her towards him, encouraging her to stay up just a bit more until he reached her.

_I’m on my way, my lady, stay with me._

_Don’t leave me now!_

He saw her suddenly in the distance, collapsing face forward in the snow.

‘Leaena!’ he cried with worry, frantic now to reach her.

Her magic was still with his lyrium, still singing to him, so happy, getting stronger as he got closer. That was a good sign.

_Thank the Maker!_

_Oh my lady Herald, I am so sorry you had to go through this._

_I would do anything to take this burden from you._

Cullen finally reached her, picking up her chilled, unconscious body, wrapping her in his cloak, all the time whispering to her as he held her close in her arms, kissing her forehead, keeping her with him, hoping she would hear.

‘Maker, I thought I was going to lose you when I had only just found you. I will never leave you again. I will never let you go. ’

He took a deep breath as part of his brain registered other people running down towards them both as he headed back. Cullen ignored them completely, totally focussed on the woman in his arms.

‘I need you, my lady, you are a part of me. I will spend my life protecting you, guarding you, keeping you safe. I cannot live without you.’

His lyrium and her magic were in concert once more, dancing and weaving around one another. He could feel her senses flowing through his veins, binding him even closer to her.

Just before he finally reached the camp, Cullen gave her another kiss on her forehead.

‘Since the moment I carried you from that rift, my life has been yours. I love you, Leaena.’

\--------

_How many times am I going to wake up on freezing cold floors at awkward angles?_

Reaching out, Lea’s senses told her she was alone. She felt alright physically – a bit shaken but ok. Nothing was damaged.

Slowly feeling her magic fill her, she felt a change in the Mark.

_I wonder why?_

‘Well,’ she said to herself out loud, ‘no way to go but out. And I’m alive.’

She walked along the icy tunnel, seeing traces of the evacuation from Haven. That reassured her.

_I am coming. Wait for me._

_Crap._

She stepped outside into a blizzard. She dealt well with cold normally but not after an intense period of fighting like that. Combined with a stiff wind, it affected her the same anyone else.

Putting one foot forward in front of another, she started to climb.

_Maker, I am tired. But I mustn’t stop._

_Embers….they are cold but it means someone has been here before me._

_Cullen, where are you?_

She kept climbing. The wind whipped through her, cutting her skin and freezing her hair to her scalp. Her feet had turned to blocks of ice, her boots clogged up with snow. She huddled herself against the relentless driving snow, forcing herself to go on.

_Let’s think of nice things._

_Cullen is the only nice thing I want to think about._

_He smells good._

_He sounds like warm-toffee-whiskey._

_His eyes are beautiful._

She huddled over the dead embers of another fire as she started to climb past the tree line. The going was getting harder and harder.

_He has the best ass I’ve ever seen._

_He is the strongest man I’ve ever met._

_And not just physically._

_I love his laugh. I will make him laugh more often._

_I like his hair._

_His skin on the back of his neck just in that spot is surprisingly soft. And it tickles him when I stroke it._

Lea found more embers which were warm. Sensing she didn’t have too far to go, she started to let her magic spread out, looking for a trace of Cullen’s signature.

The path by now was completely blocked with snow. Lea was wading through drifts up to her knees, each step becoming more and more agonising.

_He is so kind and good._

_He is so sexual. I like that._

_He’s dangerous. But I definitely like that too._

_He has a dark side. I like that three. Well. Not for him. I don't want Cullen to suffer. But it means he’s lived. He understands._

She was barely moving by now, creeping inch by inch, her magic desperately seeking his lyrium, calling out for him.

_His smile is...is…adorable._

_He…blushes.............._

_Cullen!_

She could feel his lyrium pulse, faint but there. Lea sensed his immediate recognition, desperately pulling her magic towards him, needing to feel her, know she was safe.

Lea started to try and move forward some more, managing a few more steps before collapsing on her knees.

She tried to stay upright, to wait for Cullen to come closer. She could feel him getting nearer at a rapid rate, her magic so tired too, but still ecstatic as it found his senses.

_I’m just going to lie down now, close my eyes. He knows where I am. I am safe now._

As she fell face forward into the snow, she saw lights fast approaching, heard shouting. His lyrium wound her magic even closer, frantic to make sure she survived.

Before Lea slipped into unconsciousness, she felt his arms around her, heard his voice saying her name, telling her he’d never leave her again, that he needed her, couldn’t be without her.

Cullen then wrapped his cloak around her, giving her a kiss on her forehead before he picked her up and started carrying Lea back to the camp, still whispering things to her that were warming her up all on their own.

_You smell so damned good….oh!_

_Did he just say that?_

Lea managed to look up once more, seeing tawny amber gold, the memory of which had kept her going during her long trek from Haven. She was smiling at this incredible man who had just whispered what she’d been waiting to hear since the day she’d met him.  

‘I love you too, Cullen,’ she said softly, looking straight at him for a moment, seeing the blazing fire in his eyes as she replied. Then she sank straight into oblivion.


	36. Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note there is discussion of addiction and withdrawl in this chapter

‘Where is there a tent large enough to give the Herald some privacy?’ Cullen had literally run into camp with Leaena in his arms, shivering, unconscious but very much alive.

_I am not letting you out of my sight, my lady._

Josephine gestured to where he needed to be, whilst he shouted more orders. 

‘Dorian, can you get a good fire going? And ladies, something suitable for her to sleep in please. Her armour is going to be soaked through very soon. Give me five minutes Solas – I will just get her prepared.’

He managed to get her outer armour and boots off before Leliana came in and shooed him away.

‘Cullen, believe me, she’d prefer it in the long run if I did this bit for you. Be a dear and go boil water or chop wood, or something. I will come and get you when she’s ready to see Solas.’

He had waited impatiently outside the tent for the next ten minutes until Leliana came out. He didn’t even listen what she had to say, just went in, tucking Leaena into his cloak that Dorian had kindly dried out and warmed for her.

She was lying in a little cocoon by the time he was done. Cullen stood and watched her chest rise and fall, still not quite able to believe she made it back to him.

_I know she likes the smell of me. For some reason._

_So maybe my cloak might help her whilst she is sleeping?_

Solas had examined her thoroughly, then tipped a couple of potions down her throat before turning to look at Cullen.

‘She has had a lucky escape, but our Herald is tough,’ the elf smiled. ‘There is no sign of frostbite or any other injuries. All she needs is rest and warmth to bring her core body temperature up. Fortunately, as a Winter mage, she had some resistance from the weather.’

He gestured to some potions on the side. ‘This is a rejuvenation one and these are lyrium. Her mana reserves are almost depleted.’ Cullen nodded – he could sense it.

‘She needs assistance in restoring her power, so give both potions every four hours. Can you administer them or do you need help?’ the elf asked.

‘No, I can manage. Thank you Solas,’ Cullen said gratefully to the elf.

‘You are welcome, Commander. We all wish to see her fully restored to health. The Herald is a rare lady indeed.’ Solas bowed before leaving the tent.

Cullen quickly rearranged things so he could sit with her, slowly stroking her hair and face.

_She seems to like that as well normally._

_Maker, I nearly lost her!_

He felt less than proud of his belief that there was no way out of Haven. It was supposed to have been his job to protect her, protect the Inquisition.

And he felt as if he had failed.

_I must do better by the Inquisition._

_No half measures._

Leaena looked lovely, as ever, whilst she slept off the exertions of the last twenty-four hours. A Breach closed, facing down a darkspawn Magister and dragon, then walking in a blizzard for hours? No wonder she was exhausted.

Cullen traced her face, following the line of her jaw up past her ears and over her forehead, before trailing his fingers over her nose and her lips. They had more colour to them again, slowly returning to the beautiful dusky pink shade she normally had.

When he’d picked her up from the ground they had been blue with cold.

As he’d said the words he’d wanted to say for so long, he was astonished when her brilliant blue eyes opened and whispered her love for him.

Even though she promptly passed out afterwards.

_But she heard. She knows. She is mine._

_Maker, I love her so much. I just wanted to kiss her, hold her, tell her over and over again. Hear her say she loves me back._

Cullen rubbed his temples, trying in vain to remove the headache that hadn’t left since he saw a foreign army marching up to Haven.

_I will have to tell her soon._

_I should have told her before._

He noticed it was time to administer the potions. It was easy to spend four hours just looking at Leaena, thanking the Maker for her safe return.

_And chasing my tail round and round over the same old issue._

Cullen’s hands shook slightly as he picked up the lyrium. He had to turn his head to not pick up its irresistible scent as he pulled out the cork.

_Didn’t work really did it?_

The remaining lyrium in his body immediately roared, calling for more, that he was weak, he needed it to be the best he could be. His powers would be enhanced again. He could function at full capacity.

He needed it to be better than he was right now.

_I am a shell of a man._

Only through sheer force of will did Cullen ignore the loud whispers, the self-hate; every vein in his body screaming out for him to put the bottle to his lips and drink.

It was physically excruciating; nausea rose up, his whole body was shaking uncontrollably and his headache intensified.

_Maker take it, I am not a lyrium addict any more!_

He quickly emptied the contents down Leaena’s throat. She swallowed but didn’t stir.

Trembling, sweating, he set the now empty bottle to one side, collapsing into his chair with his head in his hands, trying to breathe slowly, bring himself back under control.

_Forgive me, my lady. I am afraid you have the poor end of this bargain._

_And you don’t even know it yet._

_But Andraste save me – I can’t let you go._

_I need you._

Cullen lifted his head and reached out to put a hand to Leaena’s cheek. She still felt colder than she should.

He went to lie down next to her, pulling her back up against his stomach, with her body cradled against his chest. He placed both arms around her whilst his legs slid behind hers, holding her as close to him as he could, trying to give her his warmth.

He didn't even notice how quickly the tremors and the headache subsided. 

The last thing he remembered as he fell asleep was thinking how perfectly she felt against his body. As if they were made to fit.


	37. Transition

_Are they still arguing?_

Lea lay still, snuggled up in the warmth of Cullen’s coat just as she had been for the last two days. When someone had tried to change it for blankets, she’d woken up, snatched it back again and gone back to sleep.

_Who would be so stupid as to try and take it away? I know it wasn’t Cullen._

_It smells of him therefore it stays on me._

Lea wasn’t sure if there was a more comforting sensation in the world than her magic and his senses doing their continual dance together, feeling a part of him within her.

It gave her such peace and contentment to know that Cullen was near her again. He had hardly left her side since he had found her in the snow. They hadn't spoken about anything yet - Lea's voice had completely gone. 

When he’d been unable to hide a laugh as she’d tried to croak out a hello, she had given him a feeble tap on the wrist. That just set him off, laughing properly, the teasing light that she loved to see in his eyes glowing as he looked at her.

_I love to hear you being happy._

_You look so relaxed when you smile._

Cullen had shadows in his eyes that she hadn’t seen before. Probably everyone did after what had happened at Haven, what they witnessed.

_What we survived. But that’s the key._

There was a chance of beating this…whatever it was. And she could do it by his side.

Hearing the raised voices once more had woken her up. She felt Cullen’s lyrium snake towards her; he knew when she was awake. The sense of being able to reach for each other, after being so close to losing each other in Redcliffe and then Haven, kept her reassured.

The memory of leaving him in the Chantry, having to walk away, feeling each other’s desolation, was still too raw.

_I need to see you._

_But I don’t want to get out of bed yet._

Lea laughed to herself. She did want to get up and see him, but she was so comfortable. If he just came in now to lie behind her whilst taking her in his arms as he had done the last two nights? That would be perfect.

Cullen had slept next to her every night, holding her close, helping her get warm. Or he’d sat next to her if he was awake. He held her hand in one of his, going through his reports with the other, scribbling notes on a table next to him, as she slept.

Lea had drifted awake sometimes, just watching him stealthily for a few minutes whilst he worked before sleep claimed her again. He was somehow managing it one-handed as he hadn’t, to her knowledge, let her hand go. She wished she had the energy to reach up and rub his forehead for him to make his headache go away, do something to ease his tension.

_He is a beautiful man. Inside and out._

_And he is in love with me._

Lea knew it took more than beauty alone to win someone’s heart. She wasn’t sure what it was that Cullen found so special about her, but she was rather pleased there was something loveable about her left.

_I thought it had all been frozen out of me long ago._

Lea was happy to just lie there and wait for him to come and see her. She doubted it would be long, judging by the sound of the shouting match.

She yawned. They had all had a difficult time and it was natural that tempers would fray. But it had to stop. The level of infighting had escalated to the point where something would be said soon that would permanently damage a relationship. They needed to figure a way out of here and what their next steps were towards that Corypheus thing. Everything else was fluff round the edges.

As she heard the tent flap lift open, she saw Cullen walking in looking frustrated. His whole expression lightened, however, when he saw she was awake. He quickly came forward, giving her a kiss on her cheek.

‘Good morning, my lady,’ he smiled. ‘Are you able to croak yet?’

Lea made a face at him in lieu of speaking, which just made him chuckle and kiss her again.

‘I would like to….there we go!’ she said triumphantly as her voice returned, albeit several octaves lower than normal.

She blushed slightly as Cullen’s gaze, already focused on her, intensified as his eyes burned gold. ‘You have no idea, Leaena, how good it is to hear you speak,’ he murmured huskily.

‘You’d best get used to it, Cullen. I’m not intending on going anywhere for a very long time,’ she replied unsteadily. Standing up so she could see him better, she reached up to touch his face.

The sound of the camp had disappeared, leaving just the two of them inside the dim light of the tent, the fire crackling behind her.

He took her hand, kissing her palm and holding it, lifting his other hand to run his fingers over her face.

She shivered in pleasure at the electric shockwaves that sparked over her skin as his skin met hers. Her magic was singing, calling to him to come even closer as his lyrium pulled her magic into him.

‘Did I tell you how glad I am you survived?’ He continued to touch her, softly, wonderingly, taking pleasure in the simple fact she was awake before him.

‘I knew,’ she whispered, trembling under his touch. ‘But I like to hear it. I am so glad you are here as well.’

Cullen kissed her softly on her lips then, before looking at her once more, his eyes amber gold, liquid fire.

‘I love you Leaena,’ he said, his voice shaking with emotion. ‘You make me feel alive. You are beyond precious to me. I can’t…..Maker, I can’t risk the chance of you never coming back again.’

Lea said nothing, tears threatening to fall as she slowly smoothed her fingers over his jaw, ran one down his scar, letting him feel her.

He exhaled slowly. ‘I wish I had told you before. Before Haven. Before I nearly lost you again. I didn’t learn my lesson after Redcliffe. I didn’t realise how my….insecurities….were holding me back. I wasted so much time.’

He smiled at her, wiping her tears away before they had the chance to fall.

‘But we are here now. And I intend to tell you very often. I love you, my lady, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life showing you what you mean to me.’

Lea smiled brilliantly at him. She reached up to kiss him again, her eyes shining, feeling warmth blossom out over her body at the message in his eyes and his words.

Her heart was so full she thought she would burst. Her whole body was still trembling at the intensity of her emotions, conveying everything she felt when her lips met his.

_I am tired of waiting. We nearly died. I am not going to hold back any more._

Unable to help herself, Lea let her tongue slide over his lips. She had to taste him, just a little.

Cullen’s reaction was immediate.

He put one arm around her waist and pulled her right against his hard body. His other hand slid into her hair, holding her to him, all as he teased her tongue with his, slipping into her mouth to taste her right back.

Lea felt her whole body ignite as she finally kissed Cullen properly for the first time. She wound her arms around his neck, drawing him closer to her.

Cullen’s lips were warm and firm against hers, his body radiating heat, anticipation, desire, love. She could smell him, that gorgeous woody citrus scent that was uniquely his, sending white-hot sparks through her that flamed out across her body.

His crushed her hair into his fist as he deepened the kiss, pulling her towards him even more, biting her bottom lip a little, toying with her tongue, kissing her around her lips then capturing her mouth again with his.

Lea let her tongue slide slowly over his lips and around his scar, grazing her teeth over the spot where it met his upper lip. She trailed the very tip of her tongue lightly across his cheek, feeling the rasp of his stubble before she nibbled and sucked his earlobe lightly.

Running her fingers roughly through his hair, she raggedly breathed in the scent of him further as she kissed his neck, lightly letting her teeth nip his skin, savouring the feel of his body against hers. She felt the white-hot sparks in her intensify as he gave a low moan of pleasure, just as she returned to enjoy his mouth once more.

Every nerve in Lea’s body vibrated at being so close to him at last, matching his kisses with hers, fuelled by her own overwhelming need for him.

Her magic was so entwined with his senses, spiralling around his lyrium at such a rapid rate, she couldn’t even tell the difference between them. It intensified the emotions they already shared, feeling his pulse beating through his lyrium, matching her own. 

Lea lifted her head to say the words that she held back for too long. Her heart was racing as she looked into the burning gold of his eyes.

‘I love you, Cullen,’ she said shakily. ‘I have from the moment I first saw you. Even against the most overwhelming odds there you were, fighting still. Refusing to give up. Believing there was something  worth saving.’

‘I should have told you how I felt. I just was never brave enough to do anything about it. I too am guilty of wasting time, for playing stupid games. It is all I know. You…’

She broke off, fighting her tears once more as Cullen’s arms encircled her waist, holding her close.

‘You see me. Who I am on the inside. You have taught me how to feel again. How to trust. I am so excited to explore this new world that being in love with you brings.’

Wordlessly, he pulled Lea closer, entwining his hand in her hair once more whilst sliding the other inside the cloak so she could feel the heat of him through the thin cotton. As she realised how hard he was, fire shot straight to her very core, leaving her breathless with desire. She wrapped her arms round his waist, running her hands across the broad expanse of his back, lingering over his powerful shoulders, delighting in the sheer strength of him.

Cullen looked at her, his eyes blazing pure gold as they met hers, sparkling sapphire blue. ‘I want you, beyond distraction,’ he whispered, as he kissed her neck. ‘I need you, so very much.’ Lea shook, her eyes closed, as he let his tongue and breath glide over her ear before leaving a trail of kisses over her face. ‘I have always loved you, will always love you.' 

Lea put her hands on his neck and bought her lips to his, desperate to taste him again.  

It was some time later before anyone saw the Commander and the Herald.

\----

Lea woke to the unfamiliar, but highly pleasurable, sensation of kisses gently being pressed over her face and down her neck. Sleepily, she raised a hand to tease Cullen’s hair as he lay behind her, using his one free hand to slid his hand down her waist and rest on her hip.

‘I thought I might try that to wake you up for some dinner,’ he said as he kissed her lips slowly, lingeringly. ‘You were completely out again.’

‘Funnily enough, having kisses showered over me by a dashing knight woke me up straight away,’ Lea smiled back. ‘Do we have to get up? Or can I persuade you to carry on some more?’

He laughed, kissing her again. ‘I wish, my lady. But reality calls. Later, I promise.’ He sat up, helping her out of bed.

Her magic danced and hummed around his lyrium, letting her feel how happy he was.

‘Do I actually have anything to wear?’ she said with a grin as she stepped out of his cloak, stretching languidly. ‘Appearing in this is something I'll save just for you.’

His shirt only covered her to mid-thigh and, apart from her pants, she was naked. Turning, she saw the fire in his eyes again as he slowly ran his eyes up and down her body.

_If you keep looking at me like that, Cullen, we are going to go nowhere. A situation I would be more than satisfied with._

‘You do realise, my Lady Trevelyan,’ he said softly as he came to stand next to her, pulling her towards him, ‘that does not leave much to my imagination. But there’s enough left that makes me curious to discover just what is underneath.’

Cullen’s hands slowly traced the outline of her body, on her ribs, paused on her waist before resting on her hips. Just a look, a touch from him and Lea’s body responded, desire streaking through her like wildfire.

‘Commander,’ she replied huskily, unable to say more than a few words as pure need had left her speechless. ‘I’m interested to know just when you intend on finding out?’

He didn’t answer, the flames in his eyes burning brightly as he pulled her hips up against him, letting her feel how hard he was already, how much he wanted her. Lea put her hand to his head, needing to feel his mouth on hers, heat pooling between her legs as she kissed him deeply.

_I could do this all day. You taste so good._

Dimly, she became aware of noise outside. People shouting, arguing.

‘For fuck’s sake,’ Cullen muttered, breaking off the kiss. He gave her a rueful smile before pressing a kiss to her nose. ‘Later, beautiful lady. We need to go and resolve this.’

Lea reached up to give him a quick hug, enjoying his warmth, before sliding away.

‘Everyone still bickering?’ she said. ‘It woke me up several times even when I was really out of it.’

He sighed. ‘Yes. And I feel fortunate to have dodged most of it. I’d far rather stay here taking care of you than get involved’

He ran a hand through his hair and then rubbed his neck absentmindedly.

‘People don’t know what to do, Leaena,’ he said quietly. ‘We don’t know what to do. It sounds so stupid to say this out bluntly, but Haven really shook people. I suppose everyone feels a bit leaderless.’

Lea came up and gave him a hug. ‘I know you had your fair share of shouting matches out there, Cullen,’ she said gently. ‘It’s not like you to lose control like that.’

He reached for her again, needing to feel her warmth, his lyrium calling for her to come closer. As she held him, he rested his head against her shoulder.

‘You are right as always,’ he said. ‘I will apologise to the ladies. It may help reduce tension all round if I start. I think we all have let the situation get to us. It’s just….Maker’s Breath, Haven was a disaster! I still feel I failed, could have done more….’

‘Maker, you didn’t fail anyone! If it hadn’t been for you we would have lost hundreds more!’ Lea said in astonishment.

She took his face in one of her hands, looking into his eyes that had gone a stormy amber.

‘Cullen, you did everything you could and so much beyond that. You mustn’t feel bad. It is corrosive and part of the reason you are struggling at the moment.’

‘Leaena…..I would have sacrificed it all….’ His voice was full of anguish as Lea stopped him talking by giving him a lingering kiss.

‘You didn’t know about the pathway. You didn’t have all the information. You can only make a decision based on the best intelligence at the time which is what you did. Cullen,’ she said, willing him to understand, to not blame himself, ‘you did your best, and it was more than enough.’

She kissed him again, letting her magic wind around his lyrium, trying to soothe him.

_Ah. That’s the other problem._

‘I escaped didn’t I? Just as I promised. I'm not going to tell you to forgive yourself, Cullen, because you have nothing to forgive yourself for,’ Lea said with a soft smile.

He reached for her lips with his, giving her a lingering kiss, letting her feel his pain, his fear at nearly losing her. She let him feel her anguish at leaving him behind, her terror of not being able to return.

Together, they started to feel a bit better. ‘Do you have any idea how much I love you, Leaena?’ Cullen murmured. ‘I am so blessed to have you.’

He then winced as a particularly loud shriek ripped through the air.

‘And that row is escalating,’ Lea sighed. ‘Where is my armour? I will need it by the sound of things.’

Cullen gave her a small grin at that, gesturing to a space closed off with a sheet to give her a bit of privacy.

‘I had better go and give you some space to get ready,’ he said, giving her one last kiss before heading out of the tent. ‘You can’t miss us – just follow the hysteria.’

Lea smiled as he left, feeling his senses wrap around her magic, wanting to hold as much of her as possible as he couldn’t be with her. She loved never feeling truly away from him. It was the next best thing to actually having him there.

As she put on her Orlesian armour, she still felt the heat of having spent all morning with Cullen. To kiss him properly, to be able to be so open about how she felt – there was nothing more precious.

_I love him so much. He makes me feel like the most special woman who ever lived._

_Maker, that man can kiss!_

They had done a lot of kissing. Lots. It had been amazing, just to take time and leisurely explore each other for the better part of a morning. There was still the tacit understanding of going slowly, but being able to be so much more intimate than before had moved things to a whole new level between them.

Lea jumped up, thrilled to see her long black boots had survived the trek up the mountain. Sadly the black armour of that memorable sparring morning was buried in Haven somewhere.

_Oh well. A shopping trip is called for. Shame, that. And a visit to Val Royaeux. Quickly._

_Crap, and another staff gone as well. I’m going through them a bit too fast._

She quickly pulled them on and brushed out her hair, putting it in a simple long plait over her shoulder. Waving her hand, she put some warm water in a bowl and splashed her face.

Cullen was, unsurprisingly, blaming himself for what happened. Lea sighed, resting her head for a second, gathering her thoughts.

Whatever had happened in his past was affecting him now. She sensed a change in him, a very subtle one, but there was something there. He seemed to feel he was lacking in some way.

_I will speak to him later, address it further. But there will be no quick fix._

She grimaced as she heard shouting, and headed out of her tent.

The sun was just beginning to set and it was turning into late afternoon. She saw immediately the cause of the argument – Josephine, Leliana and Cassandra were standing round a map fighting about what to do next. Cullen had clearly given up and was standing back, not wanting to argue again.

Lea strode up to them, impatient for this to end.

‘Ladies,’ her voice carried, cold and clear as they turned. ‘I have heard fighting on and off, mainly on, for the better part of two days. Have you achieved anything in that time? Aside from antagonise one another?’

‘But Herald,’ Josephine started to say. ‘It is not that straightforward…’

‘Ambassador,’ Lea held up a hand to stop her. ‘It really is that straightforward.’

‘But Herald,’ Leliana replied. ‘There is so much we don’t know. This Corypheus….’

‘We know what we need to know for now. That there is a dangerous monster on the loose and we need to stop it.’ Lea said firmly. ‘What else?’

‘But we have no…’ Cassandra began.

_Ok I’m done with this._

‘Enough!’ Lea’s voice cracked like a whip. ‘There is a crazy ancient Tevinter magister, quite possibly a darkspwan, running around with a dragon that could be an archdemon, wanting to end the world as we know it. And we are standing here bickering about detail. We need a plan and we need it now. It doesn’t have to be complicated, it doesn’t have to be arduous – the opposite in fact. It needs to be simple.’

‘You have all done so much, been through so much in recent days,’ her voice softened slightly. ‘but you must put it behind you. We all have to. Before you say something you regret and that cannot be undone.’

She looked at each one of them in turn, her final words driving her point home.

‘People are depending on us. They need to look to you all for inspiration, guidance. We cannot show them a fractured Inquisition leadership. We must provide them with hope.’

She felt Cullen’s pride in her at her words, the warmth flowing to her as her magic danced with his senses.

‘The Herald is correct,’ he said, moving forward. ‘I for one have not behaved as I should, letting my worries blind me from the reality. Please accept my apologies.’

_I love you._

_Facing those three in their current mood is an act of bravery all on its own._

Lea smiled as she turned to walk away, the three women clearly taken by surprise at Cullen’s words. She saw Mother Giselle gesture to her to go over.

_Really? I just don’t want to be preached at and spoken to in half-sentences right now._

Good manners meant she went forward and greeted the Revered Mother.

After greeting one another, Mother Giselle looked at her closely.

‘They have had the luxury of arguing, thanks to you,’ she said gently. ‘Our leaders struggle because of what we survivors witnessed. We saw our defender stand and fall. And now we have seen her return. The more the enemy is beyond us, the more miraculous your actions appear. And the more our trials seem ordained.’

She paused, looking at Leaena. ‘That is hard to accept, no? What we have been called to endure? What we must, perhaps, come to believe?’

_I have no idea what she is talking about. Her and Cole must have become friends fast._

_Maker, how did I let myself get tied up in this conversation?_

_‘_ I didn’t die and come back,’ Lea stated bluntly.

‘Of course,’ she replied. ‘And the dead cannot return from across the Veil. But the people know what they saw. Or perhaps what they needed to see. Both in the moment and in how it is remembered.’

‘Can we truly not know the heavens are with us?’ the Revered Mother asked.

‘Mother Giselle,’ Lea replied impatiently, ‘I just don’t see how what I believe matters. Lies or not, Corypheus is a real threat. We can’t match that with hope alone.’

Lea headed back to where Cullen was standing, looking at a map of the area. He turned to her with a smile as she drew near.

‘What was all that about?’ he asked.

‘I’m not sure to be honest,’ Lea replied, thinking. ‘Are we lost?’ she said suddenly.

‘Not exactly,’ Cullen said with a grimace. ‘We have a general idea of where we are, of course, but our exact location still eludes us.’

Lea sighed. ‘Mother Giselle seems to think people need hope. And I am the one to give it to them. Apparently my feats are becoming more and more miraculous with every step I take, every breath I breathe,’ she finished angrily.

Cullen looked at her steadily, understanding her inner turmoil. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said quietly. ‘I know you don’t want this.’

She looked at her hand, still with the green fire tracing its way underneath her skin. ‘It’s alright,’ she sighed. ‘I’ll get used to it.’

Lea’s magic reached for his lyrium, felt his comfort, reassurance. It made her feel a bit better.

‘At least I have you,’ she said softly, feeling herself smile as his eyes warmed.

She looked around the camp, looked at people’s faces, posture. ‘The Revered Mother is right though,’ Lea whispered. ‘People do need hope.’ She stopped suddenly as the opening lines of an old Chantry hymn floated through the air.

‘Oh,’ Lea said with pleasure, her eyes shining. ‘This is one of my favourites.’

‘Do you sing, my lady?’ Cullen asked.

‘My singing would knock Corypheus out on the first note! No, I shall enjoy everyone else.’

Lea leaned against him as the song swelled, marvelling at Leliana’s perfect tone. She then nearly burst into tears as Cullen added his voice to the hymn.

_Warm-toffee-whiskey also sings? My circle of happiness is complete._

_Holy Andraste_ _, he has a beautiful voice._

Lea was so busy enjoying Cullen's singing, she didn’t realise that the whole camp had joined in the chant and seemed to be kneeling before her.

_What? Oh fuck no, I am not dealing with this._

Cullen sensed her panic, letting his lyrium wind around her magic, calming it, calming her, reassuring her. She started to breathe again, then saw Solas in the distance.

As the hymn ended, Mother Giselle drifted past, talking about an army needing a cause. Lea didn’t care.

‘A word?’ Solas said quietly behind her.

Giving Cullen’s hand a quick squeeze, she retreated, following Solas with relief.

\-----

‘Thank you for saving me,’ Lea grumbled as they found a secluded spot to talk.

‘Her kind understand the moments that unify a cause – or fracture it,’ Solas replied, as he lit some veilfire for them to see with.

‘The Chantry manipulating people? I can’t believe you’d suggest such a thing Solas,’ Lea said with a grin then a yawn. ‘Anyway, I have been meaning to thank you for your excellent care yet again.’

‘You are welcome. Let us not make a habit of it though,’ he replied with a slight smile.  

‘The orb he carried? It is Elven,’ Solas stated bluntly, changing the subject. ‘Corypheus used the orb to open the Breach. Unlocking it must have caused the explosion that destroyed the Conclave. I don’t yet know how Corypheus survived nor am I certain how people will react when they learn of the orb’s origin.’

Lea was fascinated. They discussed the origins of the orb for some time, Solas correctly pointing out that the Tevinter empire was built on the back of Elven magic. And bodies.

‘He risks our Alliance. I won’t allow it,’ Solas said angrily, the most emotion Lea thought she’d ever seen from him.

‘I can see how Elves might be an easy target,’ she said. ‘We will do our best to ensure there is no fallback on your people.’

He nodded, then fell silent for a while. Lea waited patiently – Solas was known for doing this.

He looked at her intently. ‘There is a place to the north that waits for a force to hold it. A place where the Inquisition can build - and grow.’

Lea looked at him, feeling excitement and hope rising in her at Solas’ words.

‘What is this place called?’ she asked.

Solas paused, his face impassive as he replied.

‘Skyhold.’


	38. New beginnings

‘You are who you follow. Someone told me that once. Took me years to understand what he meant.’

Cullen nodded distractedly towards Blackwall as he reached his senses towards Leaena’s magic, feeling it wrap excitedly round his lyrium. He knew she was spending some time with Varric and Dorian – he just wanted to feel her magic within him, enjoying being so close to her again.

_How much longer will I be able to do this for?_

Ignoring the twist of anguish at the unwelcome thought, not wanting Leaena to sense it, he forced himself back to the conversation.

‘There’s wisdom in that,’ Cullen replied, looking out over the vast mountain range the Inquisition forces had been trekking through these last two weeks.

‘It was a chevalier who said those words to me,’ Blackwall mused. ‘A powerful man, but never without honour. We met as competitors in the Grand Tourney.’

‘You took part in the Grand Tourney?’ Cullen was impressed. ‘How did you fare?’

‘The knight and I forged an alliance. It was just the two of us in a field of a hundred men. He always let me deliver the final blow, putting aside his own ambitions to help me win the melee. I don’t think I even thanked him. I was young and stupid back then.’

The other man fell silent, lost in the past.

Leaena had asked him to speak to Blackwall, to see what his opinion was. There hadn’t been time until now for Cullen to meet with him properly.

‘And how do you feel about being with the Inquisition, as opposed to recruiting for the Grey Wardens?’ Cullen asked.

‘It’s good to be part of something so important. Something that can change things,’ was the stoic reply.

‘We are pleased to have you with us, Warden Blackwall,’ Cullen said, wanting to get back to Leaena’s side. ‘Perhaps when we are settled in Skyhold you might be prepared to put your skills to use training our recruits?’

Blackwall agreed as Cullen thanked him and rode off.

_The man is an excellent warrior, dependable in a fight._

_But Leaena is right. Something is not ringing true with his story._

He rubbed the back of his neck, his headache intensifying as the rays of the midday winter sun reflected off the snow that surrounded them.

It had been two weeks of backbreaking walking, through snowdrifts and then onto a wide, sturdy mountain path that wasn’t on any of their maps. They had made good progress as they steadily wound their way north towards what would be the Inquisition’s new home.

_I have spent every day and every night with her._

_Maker’s Breath, I did not realise it was possible to love the way I love her._

_And be loved in return. I do not deserve this._

When she had kissed him properly for the first time, he had thought he was about to explode. Aside from that one memorable morning, they had both deliberately held themselves back from one another for so long.

To even just taste her, hold her fully against him, run his hands over her body – well almost all of it – finally feel her hair in his hands as he kissed her back had been the most incredibly sensual experience.

_The taste of her, the feel of her mouth, her lips, her tongue……_

_No woman can compare to her._

The heightened intimacy they had now was new to him, even though they had done nothing further.

_Not because we don’t want to. But we want privacy. Something travelling in this manner doesn’t bring you._

_Because I want to hear her. Make her moan, make her scream, my name on her lips as she comes._

Cullen felt himself go hard at the thought. The shirts of his she wore to sleep every day revealed more than they hid. He didn’t want to push her, but when he slipped his hands under to tease the skin across her taut stomach, over the smooth skin of her hips, it was all he could do to not experiment further.

He swallowed, trying to bring his body back under control, with partial success.

_Look at the white glare of the snow, encourage that headache to come back._

_Precious little else is going to take your mind off how much you want her._

Just as he was about to head to where Leaena was, Cassandra hailed him.

‘Commander,’ she said as he made his way to her, Leliana and Josephine. ‘There is something we must discuss with you.’

He nodded, waiting for her to continue.

‘The Inquisition needs a leader,’ she said thoughtfully as she paced around. ‘Someone to unite us. Someone to give people hope. Give us direction.’

_I know exactly where this is going._

_And Leaena is not going to like it, not at first._

‘The Herald has already been doing this role for quite some time,’ Leliana said softly. ‘People look up to her – respect her. They believe she is Andraste’s chosen, that she saved them from the rubble of Haven. That is a powerful symbol for us.’

‘She also has the respect of the nobles across Ferelden and the Free Marches, not to mention the ear of King Alistair. It is but a matter of time before she conquers Orlais as well. The Herald is a natural negotiator and networker. Strange, when you consider she is….ah….somewhat short on patience,’ Josephine finished.

Cullen looked at them all, saying nothing.

_What can I say? They are right. But what….._

_Oh. Well, that’s going to happen over my dead body._

‘So what are you asking her to do? Because if the Herald chooses to accept this position she will only do so if she is declared Inquisitor and all which that entails. She will not be a puppet on a string, and nor should she be. She was born to lead.’

Cullen looked at Leliana and Josephine steadily, who both had the grace to blush.

‘Leliana, come on – you saw what happened to Alistair,’ he urged. ‘Eamon trying to manipulate him even before his first day on the throne meant it took so much longer for him to implement the reforms Ferelden so badly needed. He had to waste so much energy on wrestling back control.’

He exhaled in frustration. ‘Do you want the Inquisition to suffer the same? ’We don’t have the time for a power struggle if anything else. If Leaena does take this on, then her word must be final. I would not have it any other way.’

‘Cullen is correct,’ Cassandra snapped. ‘I thought we had agreed she would be Inquisitor in both title and deed. Why now are you backtracking? The Herald is more than capable of fulfilling this position.’

Leliana sighed. ‘You are right. We will be there to guide her, but the last say will always be hers.’

‘We will be her advisors. If she chooses not to listen to us, that is because there is a reason we perhaps don’t know about yet,’ he said firmly. ‘It doesn’t mean we can’t put our points across, but we must respect her ultimate decision.’

‘Very well,’ Josephine said briskly. ‘We shall hold a ceremony when we get to Skyhold. We’ll need a beautiful big sword, refreshments, speeches….’

Cullen tried not to laugh at Cassandra’s appalled face.

‘I understand the need for something symbolic, Ambassador, but really all of that extra paraphernalia is unnecessary.’ Cassandra cut her off. ‘We shall announce it in the courtyard and be done in five minutes. Leliana will send the required messages to the people who need to know.’

‘One last question,’ Cullen asked mildly. ‘Who is going to ask her? She has yet to agree.’

Three sets of eyes fixed firmly on him.

_Oh no._

‘No,’ he said flatly. ‘You all know I cannot be impartial when it comes to the Herald, and why. Believe me when I say it is better that it comes from someone else.’

‘Cullen, you have many more, um, powers of persuasion at your disposal than we do,’ Josephine cajoled.

‘I am absolutely not using my personal relationship with Leaena to get her to do this,’ he said irritably. ‘Surely you can see how inappropriate that would be? I also know it would upset her – something I have no intention of doing. If anything, really, I should distance myself from this particular decision.’

‘You’re right again, Cullen,’ Cassandra said heavily. ‘I will do it.’

‘Good. I will say nothing of this until you have spoken to her. But for my sake,’ he finished with a quick grin as he turned to leave, ‘do it quickly?’

\-----

As Cullen departed, the three women watched him.

‘He is unaware just how much he revealed to us in that conversation. Our new Inquisitor is a fortunate woman, to have secured the love and devotion of such a man,’ Leliana said, respect in her voice.

‘Does Lea realise just how far our Commander would go to protect her?’ Josephine said softly.

‘Every hero needs a protector, Josie,’ Leliana replied dreamily, ‘Not because they are unable to survive on their own – far from it. But because of what these men can help them become. The Hero of Ferelden had her Grey Warden, who is the King of course; the Champion of Kirkwall had her Prince of Starkhaven. And now, the Inquisitor has her Commander.’

‘He is her champion. Her defender. She makes him who he is, who he needs to be,’ Cassandra realised. ‘He will raise whole armies for her, the match of any nation, and lead them in her name. Even now,’ she said in awe, ‘they weave a tale set to become a legend.’

She sighed wistfully, wondering for a moment what it must be like to have a man look at her the way Cullen looked at Lea. With that, Cassandra had to let her romantic soul go back to rest. It would be up to her to make sure there was even an Inquisitor to sing tales about in the first place.

\------

Cullen walked his horse towards the front of the Inquisition’s forces where he knew Leaena would be. She was trying to spend more time with the people who had volunteered to give their lives towards the Inquisition’s cause, identify their strengths and how they could be used.

She had asked all the advisors to spend time with these people, to see what they could bring - just as he had done with Blackwall. They then had discussed each person, assessing how, if possible, they could help with the limited resources the Inquisition currently had.

It was yet another example of why Leaena would make such a good leader of the Inquisition.

_She even included Vivienne. Although that request was through gritted teeth. And she hasn’t spoken a word to her. Nor have I, for that matter._

_My lady has far more strength than she realises._

Leaena had also decided just to hang out with Varric and Dorian for a while, simply because she got on so well with them. Out of all the people who had joined, she was the closest to these two, as well as Solas and Cassandra.

_She has been through fire and back with these people, that’s why._

_She trusts them._

Aside from Dorian, they had all bonded in those long ago months on the battlements, fighting against the invasion from the Breach. And with Dorian, she had gone forward in time, the two of them alone fighting to save a world from madness.

_She still has nightmares about that. And all I can do is hold her tight until it passes._

_Maker, it hurts me to see her in pain. I wish I could do more._

It had been a while since demons had plagued his dreams. He couldn’t imagine spending a night without Leaena unless they had to be apart. Which meant at some point she would know.

_She is going to be hurt. Maybe even feel betrayed that you didn’t trust her._

_Fuck, I have to make her understand. It isn’t about trust!_

Cullen had every intention of telling Leaena that he no longer took lyrium, about everything that happened at Kinloch Hold. He just was waiting for the right time. Which would be soon.

_Yes, like you said last time. And the time before that._

_I am a fraud._

He felt Leaena ahead of him, his lyrium calling, needing her magic closer. Cullen then saw her right up ahead leading her horse, animatedly chatting with the dwarf and the Tevinter who were both walking. Her hair was down, nearly at her waist, flowing in time with her movements. She was gesturing in the air with her hands above her head. Laughter lit her face and her eyes were sparkling their brilliant sapphire blue as she described something to the two men.

_She uses her whole body to talk, more graceful than anything I’ve seen in my life._

_I don’t deserve you, my lady. I should give you up for someone who can give you the best._

Her magic sang to him, twisting inside his veins, letting him sense her heartbeat, relaxed, happy, wanting him near.

_But I can’t, Maker forgive me. To do that would kill me._

Cullen slid off his horse and walked towards the little group, her musical voice filled with humour. 

‘…...imagine, if you will, the look on a bonkers Tevinter magister’s face when his plans are thwarted. Is it wrong that I wanted to laugh when he couldn’t remove my mark? Oh, and when I kicked the trebuchet into action? Put out doesn’t even begin to cover it.’

‘Dangling off the fingers of a darkspawn and then wanting to laugh at their expression? Everything that happens to you is weird, Frosty,’ Varric said jokingly.

‘Tell me about it,’ she grinned. ‘I’d really prefer a normal boring life but, hey, you only get one shot, no?’

She had sensed him from quite some distance away, turning now with that beautiful smile of hers, inviting him to join them.

‘Commander, come join us,’ she said, Cullen feeling her delight at his being there and finding it impossible not to give her a smile back.

‘Curly,’ Varric waved. ‘We were just discussing odds.’

‘Oh, on what?’ Cullen asked.

‘On our beloved Herald’s success, of course!’ Dorian replied brightly. ‘So what's your estimation, Varric?’ he continued. ‘Think we can win?’

‘What would that look like?’ Cullen said with a grin at Leaena who was trying not to laugh. ‘Three to one?’

‘In her favour? Hmm,’ Varric mentally was doing some calculations.

‘After Corypheus pulled an archdemon out of his arse, are you joking?’ Dorian’s expression was one of mock horror.

‘That’s outrageous!’ Leaena rapped the other mage on the arm. ‘You would actually bet against me?’

‘Now now,’ Dorian chided, ‘if I weren't here, it'd be five to one at least.’

‘I’m touched by your vote of confidence Dorian,’ she said primly.

Just then, Cassandra rode up. ‘Herald,’ she said formally, ‘there is a matter I need to discuss with you.’

Leaena looked at the others and shrugged, waving her goodbyes. ‘Wait for me?’ she said to Cullen. He nodded as she gave him the reins and walked a short distance with Cassandra.

_I hope you accept my lady. I think this will be just what you need._

He immediately sensed her apprehension, which rapidly mounted into fear.

_I am here with you. I will protect you._

Cullen let her magic sense his support, his strength as she continued to fight a panic attack. Pulling her magic even closer, his lyrium wound itself tight and secure, not letting her go. He knew she could feel his heartbeat, feel his warmth.

_I won’t let anything hurt you. You can do this._

Slowly she calmed down. He sensed her rising excitement, starting to see the possibilities of being the Inquisitor. He felt her flare of adrenaline as she accepted, and allowed himself to breathe again.

Leaena slowly walked back to him, deep in thought, tugging on her braid and biting her lip. As she got closer, she caught his eyes and gave him a quizzical look.

‘You knew about this, didn’t you?’ she said in a slightly accusing tone, negated by the smile that had slowly started to spread over her face.

‘I did,’ he said impassively, unable to hide from her how pleased he was that she had accepted.

Cullen could feel her emotions race within her – fear, excitement, anticipation, apprehension.

‘I will be with you, every step of the way,’ he said softly as he lifted her head to his, giving her a kiss. ‘I am so very proud of you, Leaena. You are exactly what we need. Just as you were back in Haven.’

‘Promise me Cullen? Don’t leave me to do this on my own. I need to know you will be there. Protecting me.’ Her eyes were deep blue, glowing in her lovely face as she reached to kiss him again.

‘You have my word,’ he assured her, taking her hand as they started to walk again. He led both their mounts to give her a rest.

‘How do you feel about it? I mean…I, well I know what you feel…it’s just…Maker’s Breath! I can’t get this right!’ he stammered, struggling to find the right words.

Leaena’s light laugh as she held his hand tighter made him smile. ‘I know what you mean. It’s a bit strange isn’t it, this connection sometimes? And we haven’t really discussed it, ever.’

‘It’s funny – it was the first thing I ever noticed about you, and it’s quite possibly one of the closest things a mage can share, particularly with a Templar. I have never questioned it with you. I…’ she stopped, blushing furiously. ‘I never wanted to. It just felt so right.’

_Even after all we have been through, all we have shared, you still get shy. Thank the Maker._

_Because you are beautiful when you blush._

‘Cassandra and Solas explained it to me a bit,’ Leaena carried on. ‘Apparently it is quite rare for it to connect the way we have. I have my suspicions as to why, of course,’ she looked sideways at him with a small smile.

‘It brings me to you in a way I never dreamed possible,’ Leaena said quietly. ‘To have this heightened sense of you, to feel your very heartbeat reverberate through me? When our two senses meet and do their winding dance together? The sensation is indescribable.’

_I don’t know. That’s the honest answer. I don’t know what will happen._

_Andraste save me. How can I tell her?_

‘I know how you feel which is why I get a bit confused when I ask you how you feel. Because I know already. But I still want to hear you say it.’ Cullen chuckled. ‘That probably makes no sense does it?’

I love feeling your magic inside me,’ he carried on slowly. ‘It’s a part of you I can carry with me when you aren’t there. Even when you are far away, travelling, it’s like an echo throughout my body. I miss you, but there is still a piece of you there to keep me company till you return.’

Leaena stopped suddenly, giving him a look that had him wanting to take her, there and then and find somewhere he could make love to her properly. ‘If we were not in the middle of a pack of people I would kiss you,’ she whispered.

‘Commander!’ a shout from a guard had them both looking up as he ran up to them both.

‘Scouts have reported the first sighting of Skyhold, sir. We are no more than a day away. The pass is clear and free of dangers, as is the fortress itself.’

Dismissing the man, Cullen and Leaena stood for a second.

_We made it._

He felt her happiness, her relief, her anticipation. Felt her sorrow that the pressures of the Inquisition would sweep them up and separate them.

_Crazy though this journey has been, I have cherished my time with you too, my love._

_I have an idea….._

‘Wait here for me,’ he said, as he mounted his horse. ‘I will be fifteen minutes or so.’

‘Where are you going?’ she asked curiously as he threw her reins back.

‘Patience, my lady Herald,’ he grinned at her.

Cullen rode straight for the quartermaster, securing the items he needed. Everything else they had already – their horses carried their most immediate personal belongings. He then found Cassandra, left her with some instructions, blushed when she gave him one of her rare smiles as he explained his plan, and raced back to Leaena.

He could feel her curiosity rising by the second as he approached.

‘Would you like to ride forward and see it, my lady?’ Cullen asked.

‘You don’t need to ask me twice, Commander,’ she said, swinging into her saddle. ‘Race you there!’

Cullen set his horse after hers, as they quickly thundered past the very front of the Inquisition’s people. Only a few scouts were now ahead of them. They had the road to themselves.

It was an exhilarating ride. Leaena’s hair was flying as the ice cold wind whipped through the pass. He already knew she was a superb rider, but this chase confirmed it, her face filled with the sheer thrill of the race.

They pulled their mounts in after a couple of miles, not wanting to wind them too much.

‘That was fucking bloody wonderful,’ Leaena breathed, patting her mount’s neck as she kicked her stirrups off and jumped down. ‘What a marvellous mare you have been to me. Thank you, horsie.’

‘Horsie?’ Cullen tried valiantly to not laugh as he dismounted.

‘Of course,’ Leaena replied with a beaming smile that had his stomach clench with wanting her so badly. ‘It is what she is, a horse, and I didn’t want to give her too much pressure by naming her.’

‘Too much pressure? Leaena, my love, you are going to have to explain that one to me. That’s a horse,’ Cullen choked out, still trying not to laugh.

She looked at him earnestly, deadly serious. ‘There’s so much in a name, you see. I can’t give that pressure to a poor horse. Think of what she has to go through already, every day, not to mention the pressure on me to select a suitable name and what if that went wrong……oh you mean man….that’s not very nice of you!’

Cullen’s laughter had Leaena throwing her gloves, her scarf, her hat – anything - at him until he pulled her up against him and silenced her with a kiss.

‘You adorable woman. Very soon I can show you fully just how much I love you,’ he murmured into her ear as he took her earlobe in his mouth, heat rising in him as he felt her shiver in delight in his arms, her magic winding sensually around his senses, drawing him to her.

_How do you make me feel so good about myself?_

_When I don’t deserve it?_

‘Damn,’ she whispered as she pulled away. ‘Scouts.’

‘Never mind,’ he replied lightly, ‘there’s always later.’ 

‘Commander!’ the scout called as they walked ahead. ‘The fortress is just over the next rise.’

‘And the water sources?’ Cullen asked.

‘There’s some springs underground that serve the castle, and also a series of large lakes around the fortress itself, sir. Some are not frozen over. The water is not polluted.’

Cullen dismissed them, as Leaena looked at him. ‘What do you have in mind, Commander?’ she asked slowly.

‘All in good time, my lady Herald,’ he said serenely. ‘Shall we go and look at your new home?’

‘Yes please,’ she said, placing his hand in hers as they continued along the path.

‘I love these mountains. They are so stark, but so beautiful in their simplicity,’ she said. ‘And they are cold. Which I also like, of course.’

‘Don’t you miss Ostwick at all?’ Cullen asked her curiously.

‘Oh yes! Very much so,’ Leaena replied. ‘It’s so warm and sunny most of the year, if a little muggy at times. I miss the sea especially. My family have an estate just outside of Ostwick which is right on the coast. I spent hours, all day, just on the shore, listening to the sea break on the beach. It’s my favourite place to escape to.’

She inhaled slowly. ‘It’s where I went to recover after the incident in Montsimmard. And after the Circle fell. Along with a couple of other times. I know no-one will bother me there. Sorry,’ Leaena smiled. ‘That was rather a long answer to your question. I haven’t actually thought about home for quite a while.’

‘Not at all,’ Cullen replied. ‘There is a spot near my village where I sometimes have gone since I left Kirkwall. I would like to take you there one day if there is time.’

‘I would love that,’ Leaena said softly. ‘Oh Cullen, look….’

They both stood silently as they looked at Skyhold for the first time.

_We can defend this._

_We can make this work._

‘That’s what I call a fortress,’ she said in awe. ‘Cullen, it’s magnificent. It’s like it rises up out of the mountain itself. And against such a stunning backdrop! And it looks so impressive. Anyone visiting us is going to be wowed.’

‘It is certainly what we need,’ he replied, equally in awe. ‘Andraste has guided us to exactly the right place. Would you like to ride closer?’

‘Can we? But don’t we need to get back?’

He smiled at her. ‘This is our last night alone together before work begins in earnest. I thought we deserved a little break away. Maker knows when we’ll next get the chance. How are you at roughing it, my lady, away from the relative luxury of an organised stop?’

‘Are you serious!’ she almost screamed with delight, throwing her arms around his neck and hugging him hard. ‘That sounds perfect. Are we camping tonight?’

_You have no idea how much pleasure it gives me to make you happy._

‘We are indeed,’ he said, giving her a quick kiss on her nose. ‘We had forward intelligence on the surrounding area by the fortress. I was just waiting to hear that it was indeed deserted and there was nothing polluting the water.’

And,’ he said giving her another kiss, ‘I have another discovery I thought you might like. Shall we take a look?’

‘I am intrigued, Cullen,’ Leaena said excitedly. ‘What have you found?’

‘Follow me,’ he replied as he helped her mount. ‘I can even see the path we need from here.’

They set off at a canter, both eager to see the fortress up close. As they made their way downhill, Cullen gestured to his left, taking a small path that was invisible from the main road. It was narrow, but still easy enough for an experienced rider to navigate. It wound down in a slow semi-circle, following the inner curve of the mountain behind the fortress itself.

The path suddenly stopped as the land flattened out, revealing a beautiful lake which the fortress itself overlooked. It was only partially frozen, the light of the afternoon sun glittering over its ice blue surface. Small copses of trees dotted the sides, providing some contrast against the harsh barrenness of the landscape. The end of the lake was frozen, falling straight off over the edge of a sheer drop.

‘Cullen,’ Leaena breathed in delight as they drew to a halt, ‘this is just spectacular. It’s quite the most beautiful lake I have ever seen in my life. It’s like a winter oasis in the mountains.’

‘I’m pleased you approve,’ Cullen replied with a smile.

_I must find more presents for you. You look so beautiful when you discover what they are._

‘There is something else – a little surprise for you,’ he continued. It is next to where we shall camp.’

They quickly reached a small sheltered spot which had a thick covering of pine needles with trees providing cover. As Cullen dismounted, he heard a squeal behind him and a thud as Leaena ran to him.

‘A jetty! Of all things!’ she said happily, hugging him and laughing. ‘This is just amazing! There must be fish in that lake too. How wonderful!’

Cullen couldn’t stop smiling. He hadn’t seen Leaena this relaxed, felt her this much at peace, since Haven.

‘I am glad you like it, Leaena. Just so you know as well – this lake is yours. There are others around the area which people can enjoy. But we have designated here especially for the Inquisitor’s personal use. I…’ he hesitated before continuing. ‘I know you need your space sometimes. And I hope this helps you.’

Her eyes were shining brilliant blue as she kissed him softly, her magic curling up around his lyrium. ‘Thank you, Cullen. This is far and away the best, and most thoughtful, gift I have ever had in my life. It was all you, wasn’t it?’

_Maker, when will I ever learn to not blush?_

‘Well, sort of, but we all agreed…’

He broke off as she pressed her lips to his again. ‘I love you,’ she whispered.

_I would do anything for you. Just to see you smile. To make you happy._

She watched him for a moment, a small smile playing on her lips, as if deliberating something. Suddenly her eyes turned a very dark blue, as if a decision had been reached. He was rather intrigued to know what she had thought, but then more immediate needs took over.

‘Shall we set up camp?’ he said.

Together they quickly put up the tent and arranged the camping area, Leaena absentmindedly waving at the fire with one hand as she pulled at the collar of her coat with another, trying to loosen it.

‘Fuck!’ Cullen swore as he felt the prickle of magic, immediately tensing before realising his error. ‘Oh…’ he felt rather foolish.

_She is a mage – why wouldn’t she light a fire with her magic?_

‘I’m so sorry,’ she replied, embarrassed. ‘I didn’t think to check if you would be alright with my doing that.’

‘No, it’s my fault. Your using magic doesn’t bother me at all. I just wasn’t expecting it to suddenly be….there,’ he said. ‘OK that sounds rather dumb, I know.’

She grinned. ‘The first time I did that to Varric he shot off to the other side of the camp faster than a rabbit. I guess I just forget, I’m so used to doing it. Although, when I used to fill my bathtub in Haven I was so worried I’d get thrown in Cassandra’s dungeon again.’

‘I think she would have forgiven you a bath,’ he chuckled, as he unclasped his heavy cloak and went to throw it in the tent.

‘Oh, do you mind if I borrow it? I’m desperate to get out of this armour. Two weeks of travel, urgh. I need to get more.’ She smiled her thanks as he gave her the cloak, disappearing into the tent for a few minutes.

She came back out, bundled up in his cloak from head to foot, waving a hand at the pine needles around her which suddenly evaporated steam as she dried them out.

‘That cloak has also survived Haven and been used for two weeks – are you sure you still want to wear it?’ He offered her some food which she gratefully accepted.

‘It smells of you,’ she said absently as she ate her food, looking out at the lake beyond.

_So I did have it right when she was sleeping._

_I must smell as good to her as she does to me. How strange._

‘Will your feet be warm enough?’ Cullen asked her before he could stop himself. ‘Oh. I sound dumb again?’

Leaena laughed, smiling at him as she leaned forward to give him a kiss before sitting down. ‘I have resistance to cold, but I also have a few spells that keep me warm and aren’t at all taxing. Want me to try some on you? Although I don’t know how well it will work on a Templar.’

_Magic? On me?_

_I trust her._

‘Why not?’ he said.

‘Right then,’ she ordered. ‘Feet out.’

He dutifully obliged, smiling at her look of concentration. ‘Well,’ she protested, ‘I want to make sure I pitch it right. I don’t want to set fire to your toes.’

‘You’ll manage,’ he grinned. A prickle of magic, so light he barely felt it, descended around his feet which suddenly felt warm.

‘There,’ she said, satisfied. ‘That should last several hours.’

‘This is fantastic. I had forgotten what this feels like,’ he replied wiggling his toes. ‘I can’t feel a thing apart from warmth.’

‘Yes, it’s a handy spell that one. It works on Trystan so that’s why I thought I would see if it could help you,’ Leaena explained. ‘Do you want me to try casting it all over you? You felt quite cold earlier after our ride.’

‘To feel warm from the inside would be a luxury, my lady,’ Cullen murmured.

_I would indulge her anything._

He felt the prickle again, somewhat stronger than before but still fairly faint compared to when she fought. Suddenly he felt warm all over – in a way he hadn’t done since they left Redcliffe. A bit too warm, but he’d manage.

‘Now this is a sensation I had definitely forgotten,’ he said, stretching.

The afternoon sun had gone, the sky a deep purple with stars beginning to prick the night sky. Skyhold was silhouetted in the background, almost black against the white of the snow behind them. There was no sound apart from the waves of the lake gently hitting the shore.

‘This was a stroke of genius on your part, Cullen,’ she murmured. ‘Are we truly alone?’

‘We are,’ he replied.  

‘No one is going to run in and give you yet another report?’ she teased.

‘No one. It’s quite a liberating sensation isn’t it?’ he said, content just to look at her, watching the firelight play across her beautiful face.

The sun had gone completely now, and the stars had appeared. A full moon was on the rise above Skyhold, bathing the lake in its light.

‘Liberating is a good way to describe it, Commander,’ she said in a low voice, the same smile playing across her lips as earlier.

Leaena was looking at him, her blue eyes getting darker, her gaze more intense. Her magic was singing, dancing, weaving tightly around his lyrium, spinning through his senses, wanting, needing.

_What are you up to, my lady?_

Cullen felt himself respond, need for her never far away. His lyrium met her magic, pulling her closer, demanding to feel her.

She rose, coming to give him a lingering, slow kiss, taking time with her tongue to explore him before breaking it off.

Cullen stood up to follow her, stopping for a moment to admire her as she languidly walked towards the end of the jetty. Her white-blonde hair was flowing down her back, her hips swaying gently beneath the outline of his cloak.

Leaena stopped, lifting her face to the sky for a moment. The perfection of her beauty was highlighted by the pale glow of the moonlight, her flawless skin almost translucent. She ran the tip of her tongue over the dusky pink of her full lips, her eyes almost black as she looked at him, before turning away again.

With one fluid motion of her hand, the cloak fell from her body.

\------

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

Cullen stood completely still, his mind trying to process the vision in front of him.

Leaena had been completely naked underneath his cloak.

She carried on walking to the end of the pier, Cullen’s brain registering her long, long legs, her perfectly rounded ass, the graceful arch of her back as she moved. She was toned to perfection, a sign of months on the road in combat, as well as her own training.

Pausing right at the edge of the jetty, she turned the top half of her body, doing nothing to disguise the curve of her full breasts as she spoke to him, her voice thick with desire.

His senses were roaring, demanding her magic be nearer, be in him, her magic singing, calling him seductively, needing him to join her.

‘I said I wouldn’t deny myself any further, Cullen. The question is, will you?’

She dived off the end of the jetty into the dark crystal depths of the lake.

_She is stunning. Maker, she is stunning._

_That’s why she cast that spell!_

_What the fuck am I waiting up here for?_

Quickly, Cullen stripped off his armour, retrieving his cloak and laying it out before turning to look for Leaena as he reached the end of the jetty. He saw the white of her hair in the water a few metres away, looking directly at him, her gaze openly admiring.

As she spied his erection, her look was positively hungry. She inadvertently licked her lips, making no secret that she wanted to taste all of him.  

_Let’s see if this spell works otherwise there won’t be…._

His body slid into the freezing cold water, but he didn’t notice any chill. Leaena’s spell worked perfectly.

He heard her give a wicked laugh as she started to swim away from him towards shallower waters, making him work to reach her.

_My lady wants to play does she?_

Leaena was a strong swimmer, but Cullen was more powerful. Within only a few strokes, he’d caught up to her, grabbing her by her arm and pulling her towards him. He just managed to stand in the water.

_Nothing has ever felt this good._

His lyrium roared, fighting to reach more of her magic, as Cullen was momentarily stunned by how forcefully the two had met when he pulled her naked body up against his. He could see her equally shaken, before she bent down to kiss him hard, her head above his, her arms wrapped around his neck, her fingers curled in his hair.

Cullen groaned in her mouth as she wrapped her legs firmly around his body, feeling the heat between her legs as she pressed hard against his stomach, sliding her slick wetness against his hard muscles. Leaena’s breasts pushed firmly against his chest, her hard buds teasing his skin, desperate for him to touch them.

Except he was too busy feeling her ass, holding her firm to him with each hand covering her firm roundness, helping her grind on his stomach as she continued to kiss him, her tongue meeting his as she deepened the kiss, a low moan escaping into his mouth from her as he held her harder against him.

Leaena lifted her head and opened her eyes as she paused for a minute, pure lust radiating from her.

‘We have all night, Cullen,’ she whispered with a smile as he reached for her face, pushing her hair away so he could see her better. ‘I intend to spend every second, every minute, finally enjoying you to the full.’

Her expression changed to one of awe as she pushed his hair back from his eyes. ‘Maker, you are just gorgeous.’

‘Leaena, you are beautiful. The sight of you when you dropped my cloak and showed me your incredible body is already my favourite memory of all time. You are perfect, did you know that?’ he whispered, pulling her down to kiss him again, letting his tongue glide slowly over her lips before slipping between them to taste her mouth again.

‘I had to get your attention somehow,’ she said softly as they both started to swim slowly around the lake, letting themselves drift together. ‘I’m pleased this worked.’

She suddenly flipped and dove underwater. Cullen joined her, mesmerised at the sight of her body twisting in the darkness of the water, the moonlight filtering through, making her glow.

_I need you. I can’t wait any more._

As they broke the surface again, he caught her by her hand. ‘You certainly did get my attention,’ he said, kissing her hands, her palms, taking one of her fingers in his mouth and nipping it with his teeth, teasing the tip with his tongue. ‘I do believe, my lady, it is time for me to show you just how much.’

When he was able to feel the bottom, he immediately put Leaena in his arms and carried her out of the lake. She made no protest, simply wrapping her arms around his neck, nibbling his neck, sending shocks through his body.

He lay her down on his cloak, warmed by the fire that still burned, before lying down next to her, kissing her softly as he made sure they were both comfortable.

Her magic was so close to his lyrium now they were in perfect concert with one another, flowing seamlessly.

Cullen looked down for the first time at her body, almost unable to breathe at the sight.

Her breasts were full and fitted his hands perfectly, the dusky pink nipples matching the shade of her lips just as he had imagined. Her stomach was taught, flat and toned just like the rest of her, her skin quivering every time he trailed his fingers there. He had to swallow hard at the completely erotic sight of her having no hair anywhere on her body as he let one hand slide down towards her warm centre before returning to enjoy her breasts again.

He let his fingers drift across her stomach, cupping one breast in his hand, gently leaning down to flick his tongue over one hard nipple. He felt her gasp at the sudden shock, loving how responsive she was she was to him.

‘Leaena, you…’ he slowed as he let his fingers ghost over her other breast, lingering his touch as he watched the other harden, ‘were worth the wait. I have played this moment over and over in my head and the reality far exceeds anything I imagined.’

He returned his mouth to one breast, feeling her instantly tense with pleasure, moaning softly as he slowly held the other in his hand, gently stroking the other nipple between his thumb and forefinger.

‘There are so many things I have imagined doing with you…..’ he whispered as he kissed her deeply, one hand still on her breast, playing, teasing, making her shake, before allowing his hand to slide further down her stomach, still kissing her neck, her throat. ‘…..ever since that morning where I had my fingers deep inside you.’

Cullen slipped his hand down her legs, stroking one inner thigh then another, Leaena arching slightly, desperately needing to feel his touch as he returned his mouth to her breast again, his tongue grazing her nipple.

‘All I can remember,’ he carried on whispering to her as his fingers slowly moved to her other breast, playing, tweaking, teasing, ‘is the feel of you shaking in my arms, desperate to come.’ His hand moved to her thighs again, spreading her legs wider.

_Maker’s Breath, that is the most fucking amazing sight._

Cullen fought for control as he slid his fingers down. It was mindblowling to feel how wet she was already, being able to see her slick wetness so clearly, feel the sensation of her juices directly on her skin. Her eyes had not left his, they were so dark as to be black with desire.

He watched her eyes go even blacker as he licked his finger clean.

Cullen couldn’t help himself. He spread her legs wider before positioning himself between them. Her eyes closed in ecstasy as his tongue found her clit and started to tease it with his tongue. Her low cries of pleasure had him even harder, as he sucked and licked her more, sliding his tongue over her clit, over the smooth folds, right inside her entrance, before returning to her clit again. She was bucking against him, writhing, needing release.

He stopped and came up to kiss her.

‘You taste…Maker you are incredible,’ he said hoarsely, looking at her face, almost blind with desperation for him.

Cullen slid a finger down as he continued to kiss her, letting one, then two slide into her tight wet core. Leaena was by now so wet his fingers were covered, as he reached high up inside her to find the spot he knew would make her scream.

Keeping his rhythm going steadily with two fingers, watching her as she lifted her hips, grinding against his hand, both of her hands on his head, he moved down again and licked her clit whilst his fingers continued to move inside her.

‘Cullen,’ she wailed, ‘Oh Maker, please…you don’t…oh….’

The pressure he kept up was mounting as he felt her need to climax, steadily suckling on her clit harder the more she needed it, not letting his fingers stop. As she came closer he increased the speed, the sound of his fingers and mouth on her now soaking wet core mingling with her mindless moans, her movements becoming increasingly jerky.

‘Fuck, Cullen,’ she moaned, ‘I’m going to…….you’re making me……come…. …’

Cullen felt her go over the edge, her muscles tightening, her juices flowing into his mouth as he maintained the pressure of his fingers, heard her mindlessly scream, her whole body contracting. He managed to see her face, flushed red in an expression of ecstasy.

He slowly eased his fingers out and sat back.

_I have never seen anything more incredible than you._

Leaena was sprawled across his cloak, her legs apart, her orgasm still rocking her as her wetness was spread across her inner thighs, breasts trembling slightly. Her brilliant blue eyes were watching him with a satisfied smile on her face, running her eyes up and down his body before fixating on one particular point.

She sat up and, before he realised what she was doing he had to fight again for his own control.

‘Fuck…..’ he hissed through his teeth, as she had taken his cock in her mouth. With one hand, she cupped his balls, letting her fingernails tease the delicate skin, the other holding his cock at its base.

Cullen was breathing in rough gasps as he looked to see those pink lips sliding up and down his length, her tongue gently flicking, sucking and teasing as she took him all in her mouth time and time again, her eyes looking into his.

She teased his head, sliding her tongue under the ridge, along the seam and down again, taking first one ball then the other in her mouth, sucking and rolling them gently as her other hand gripped his cock firmly, running her hand up and down.

Cullen’s head had fallen back, unable to hold off for much longer from the torment.

‘Leaena…..I can’t…..fuck….that feels so good….’ She increased the pressure as her mouth returned to suck harder and faster, whilst he was fighting to not fuck her in in her mouth, his hands fists at his side. Her hand had returned to his balls, as she gently ran one fingernail away from his balls, teasing the sensitive skin underneath.

He started to shake, lose control just as she stopped and stood up.

Mindlessly, he stared at her, not registering what she was doing. Until he felt her sliding her hot wetness up and down his cock slowly, tightening herself around him, starting to ride him as she rocked up and down.  

Her magic was a song throughout his body, vibrating through him, feeling her love, her desire, her want for him as she carried on slowly, tortuously moving his cock up and down inside of her.

Her eyes were blazing sapphire fire, burning with intensity as they held each other’s gaze.

‘Leaena,’ he groaned, ‘I can’t hold….’

‘So don’t,’ she whispered breathlessly as she started to ride him faster and faster. ‘I want to hear you moan my name as you come inside me, Cullen. I want to see your face as you go over the edge…..fuck…fuck….Cullen…….’ she gasped. He grabbed her hips, rising to meet each movement, thrusting harder, grinding her to him as he felt her build towards a second orgasm.

Their bodies had become as one as they held each other tightly, moving back and forwards faster and faster, she with one hand on her clit whilst he held onto her, pushing her hard onto his body. Leaena’s head fell right back before looking at him again, wanting to see him.

‘Maker..Cullen…I love you…..’ she cried out, shaking, not stopping moving up and down his cock, wanting him to have his release. 

As he felt her tight muscles contract around him, he let out a mindless groan on his last, final thrust as he came harder than he'd ever done in his life. ‘Leaena…I love you….I love you….I love you…..’

\-----

They spent all night under the stars, dozing, waking up and making love again. It was with great reluctance that they packed up their camp and headed to join the rest of the Inquisition at the main keep. 

'Any time you're planning on going swimming, let me know,' Cullen said with a grin as they rode off.

'You and only you, Cullen,' she smiled back. I am so relieved to know we have this escape here.' She pulled her horse up next to his, reaching over to give him a kiss.

'I love you,' she said softly. 'Thank you so much. That was the most incredible night of my life.' 

'There will be many more,' he promised. 'In a bed. Or actually, anywhere we want. The opportunities are endless,' he smiled as she laughed. ' You are welcome, and I love you too.'

They made their way up the path in relaxed silence, making their way to the front of Skyhold.

'Are you ready to do this, my lady Inquisitor?' Cullen asked quietly. 

'I am, Commander,' Leaena replied firmly. 'Let's go.'

Together, they rode through the gates of their new home. 


	39. Inquisitor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note this chapter mentions rape, flashbacks and anxiety attacks. 
> 
> Also a huge thank you to everyone who has had a read, left me comments, left kudos. I really appreciate it and I love to hear from you all!

‘Leliana, really, this whole sword brandishing thing is ridiculous,’ Lea argued. ‘And this outfit is even worse! Next time consult me first before ordering anything made.’

‘Hush, Inquisitor,’ Leliana said with a small smile, understanding the real reason behind Lea’s complaints. ‘We will be over and done within minutes. You don’t even have to say anything. Cullen will speak for us all.’

_I don’t want to do this. Why are you not here next to me?_

Lea felt his senses reaching for her, soothing her, comforting her, letting his lyrium spin around her magic, telling her he was with her. She breathed slowly once more, looking for him in the crowd as she was propelled forward, sending her magic reaching out for him.

A bright gold head waved at her, smiling encouragement. Lea was just about to make out his eyes, glowing amber gold.

_I want to be with you. Oh well, the sooner I do this, the sooner it will be over._

Turning, Lea picked up the sword from Leliana’s hands, looking at the intricate design on the handle.

_Why am I doing this? What can I achieve?_

‘With fear running rampant, Templars and mages tearing each other apart, people need to see a mage standing for what is right,’ she murmured to herself. ‘I will defeat Corypheus standing with them, not over them. Everyone will learn mages can be trusted.’

She looked up, seeing a look of warm approval in Leliana’s eyes.

‘Come, Inquisitor,’ Cassandra urged her forward to look out over the crowds.

_Maker, there are hundreds and hundreds of people out there!_

Cullen’s senses reached her again, soothing her, encouraging her forward.

‘Have our people been told?’ Cassandra shouted to the full courtyard.

‘They have – and soon the world!’ Josephine cried.

‘Commander, will they follow?’ Cassandra called to Cullen.

His eyes met hers once again, searing her with the heat, butterflies dancing in her stomach at the promise she saw within, before he turned to face the people gathered.

‘Inquisition! Will you follow?’ he demanded of them.

_Cullen, you are rather good at this whole rallying people business. I had no idea. I rather like listening to your voice as you do that…Commander thing of yours. And looking at your ass…._

_Oh shit!_

She suddenly saw he’d drawn his sword in the air and hundreds of people were expectantly looking at her to do something.

_What do I do? Oh yes, just copy Cullen. Sword in air, victorious and all._

_Do stop laughing at me, Commander!_

She stuck her hand in the air, holding the sword aloft her head as Lea sensed his amusement at her predicament, guessing exactly why she had been so distracted.

A massive cheer swept the crowd, along with applause.

_How long do I have to stand here for? I feel like an idiot!_

Lea stood back after a few seconds, looking at Leliana for further instructions.

‘Well done, Inquisitor,’ she said cheerfully as she took the sword from Lea’s hands. ‘Shall we wait here for the others?’

Lea nodded her agreement, as she saw Cullen and Josephine head up the stairs. Cassandra excused herself.

_Maker, I can never get enough of looking at you._

_Especially now I know how you taste, the feel of your body next to mine._

‘Inquisitor, I’m curious to know what was running through your rather lovely head on the battlement just now,’ Cullen whispered to her as they all headed up the stairs. ‘Should I demonstrate for you later what I think you had on your mind?’

Lea blushed furiously at how accurate he had been in his assessment. ‘I think you will find, Commander, that it is I that would be demonstrating it for you.’ The response she felt from him as his lyrium surged for her magic was overwhelming, making her stumble slightly.

The heat of Cullen’s arm around her as he prevented her from falling further was enough to nearly have her dragging him into the nearest alcove and showing him exactly what she meant.

‘Are you alright, Inquisitor?’ Leliana asked in concern. ‘We have a way to go to clear out the Great Hall and make it habitable I’m afraid.’

‘I’m fine Leliana, thank you. It is my own fault – my mind was wandering.’ Cullen’s slight chuckle next to her told her he knew exactly what he had done to her just from that short exchange.

_I will get you back later, Commander Rutherford._

_Do not get distracted right now, Lea!_

‘That was a very fine rallying call, Cullen,’ Leliana said as they all reached the end of the room. ‘Some people were completely engrossed, it seemed.’

Lea felt her whole face go up in flames.

‘It did seem that a few were particularly focussed,’ he replied lazily, fully aware of Leliana’s loaded comment and joining in teasing her about it.

_That’s alright. I will get my revenge._

Before those two could torment her any more, Lea broke in.

‘What is the order of business now, Josephine? Much has occurred since Haven and we must spend some time catching up. We must figure out what Corypheus is as a matter of priority.’

‘I know someone who could help with that,’ Varric called as he walked into the hall. ‘Everyone acting all inspirational jogged my memory so I sent a message to an old friend. She’s crossed paths with Corypheus before and may know more about what he’s doing. She can help.’

Lea looked at the dwarf very hard for a moment. ‘Varric, what have you done?’

‘Just come up to the battlements when you’re ready,’ he said as he walked off again. ‘Trust me when I say parading her around isn’t a good idea right now.’

With a wave of his hand, Varric left.

‘Is that who I think it might be?’ Cullen asked as they made it to the war room.

Lea felt his stillness, felt him withdraw into himself a little, even as his lyrium reached for her magic, wanting to hold it close within him.

‘I suspect so,’ Leliana replied softly. ‘Cassandra is going to be furious.’

‘I will go and see soon. But in the meantime let us review the latest reports. I want a schedule of travel drawn up covering the next month as to who will be where,’ Lea looked down at her notes, reviewing what she knew.

‘That’s a great map you have found us, Josephine, better than the one in Haven.’ Lea admired the huge map of Thedas, enabling them to track Inquisition activity and requests for help.

‘Maker, we’ve got requests in from all over,’ she mused.

‘The Inquisition’s fame has spread,’ Josephine confirmed. 

‘Yet we still lack the resources to do too much at once,’ Lea sighed. ‘Let’s see what we have.’

\-------

They continued for a couple of hours, discussing next steps, arguing a few points, reaching agreement on others.

‘Leliana, I know he was one of your best agents, but we simply do not go around murdering people because we’ve been betrayed,’ Lea exhaled in frustration.

‘Now is not the time, Lea, for ideals….’ Leliana didn’t get any further before Lea stopped her.

‘I can’t believe you just said that! What are we all doing here, if it is not for our ideals?’

The other woman subsided. ‘Very well. I will find another way to deal with the situation,’ she said, sounding slightly bitter. Lea ignored it. Leliana would thank her in the long run.

Her magic had been enjoying being in such close proximity to Cullen for the last two hours, curling up and wrapping around him. She felt his warm approval and support for how she managed Leliana, which gave her confidence to continue.

‘So, let’s summarise. My party will leave for the Hissing Wastes at the end of the week. Let’s shut down that Venatori activity now whilst you work on the situation with Celene, Leliana. I think that can be done from Skyhold.’ Lea yawned and stretched in her chair before looking at the map, considering.

_I am not complaining about how tired I am._

_It is in a very, very good way. And I fully intend on repeating the exercise later._

She nearly blushed as she realised that Cullen was well aware of why she was yawning, feeling his amusement coupled with a sudden intense bolt of heat through his lyrium.

_Maker! This connection allows for all kinds of possibilities during tedious meetings._

Lea swallowed before carrying on.

‘We should be away three weeks in total. Cullen, I think you’ll have to go in person to scare this Grand Cleric Iona away. Anything less than the Commander of our forces and she and the other clerics who are rabble rousing won’t take us seriously. You can go and be all Templarish at them, remind them of what we have control of and the Chantry doesn’t.’

Lea paused, thinking. ‘Once you return then Leliana can go sort out this Venatori situation with Dorian. Shit, no, I need him in my party this time along with Varric and Bull. I want a Ben Hassrath’s opinion on what we find there,’ Lea scowled at the map a bit as she got up to have a look.

‘Oh well, we will have to wait till I get back then he can leave with you to the border. And Josephine, the potential with the Antivan Merchant Princes is too good to miss. It would be madness if you didn’t lead those negotiations. You’ll have fun. Did we miss anything?’ Lea looked at her three advisors.

Josephine and Leliana looked a bit stunned at how rapidly Lea had gone through the huge amount of correspondence, making decisions and delegating work. She looked at Cullen, his golden eyes warm, smiling at her. She felt how proud was of her, how much he loved her, as her magic danced around his senses.

_OK I guess I did good then._

_Now, on to the situation I have been avoiding since I first met him._

_‘_ Is there anything else? Excellent, well let’s reconvene tomorrow morning. I will meet with Varric’s friend and send word of the result.’ Again, she felt that hesitation, that withdrawal in Cullen.

‘Come to my quarters,’ she said as they said goodbye to the others.

They climbed up the stairs to what Lea considered a palatial room, with her own study area and huge balcony.

‘Do you like it?’ Cullen asked her, smiling at her pleasure with her own space.

‘I love it. A room with a view indeed,’ Lea said, doing a twirl on the balcony, relishing the fresh air. ‘I have never had anything so nice, not even before I left for the Circle. This is a space to dance on, is it not?’

She looked back at him, desire hitting her right across her lower abdomen. He was leaning up against the door, watching her intently as his eyes never left hers.

Lea walked slowly towards him, reaching up to kiss him, luxuriating in the sensation of being held in his arms, his hands in her hair as he returned her kiss, slowly tasting her, running his hands down her back and pulling her ass up against him. Her arms wound slowly around his neck as she let her fingers tease his hair.

‘If only all meetings could end this way,’ she sighed. ‘The last thing I want to do now is go and meet some stranger who might or might not be able to help us and pretend to be polite.’

‘You did so well Leaena. That was the fastest meeting we’ve ever had,’ he said, smoothing her hair away so he could see her better. ‘I quite approve. Before we’d go on all day and achieve fuck all.’

_I do like that sexy sort-of-smile you always give me._

_But this has to be dealt with._

She smiled at his accurate critique of the previous meetings, then felt bereft as she let her hands reluctantly fall from his body. She had to force the words out.

‘Cullen, we need to talk about Samson,’ she said quietly.

His head shot up, a frown appearing on his face. ‘We do,’ he sighed. ‘I had been hoping to receive more intelligence on his movements before bringing it to you, but after seeing him at Haven….Maker, I had no idea he had sunk so low.’

He started rubbing his neck, a habit he had when he was tired, thinking or awkward about something.

‘Are you ok?’ she asked.

‘I…it’s just Varric’s friend. Kirkwall. And I have a headache. Nothing more.’ Cullen paced the room.

She could feel his disquiet, his overwhelming guilt for the man he had been, self-loathing, pain, conflict at what felt right and what the Order preached.

‘I’m sorry it still means you struggle, Cullen,’ she said softly. ‘Come, sit here a minute. Inquisitor’s orders.’

Cullen obediently sat down on a chair whilst she started to rub his neck and shoulders. He let out a soft groan as she worked through the knots in his shoulders.

‘Maker, that feels good, Leaena.’ She felt his tension ease, bit by bit. 

‘How do you know him?’ she continued.

‘We shared the same quarters when I first moved to Kirkwall,’ Cullen said quietly. ‘He seemed a decent man at first. Knight-Commander Meredith later expelled Samson for erratic behaviour.’

‘She had an affair with him didn’t she?’ Lea made a face at the thought.

‘Yes. Meredith used it as an excuse to get rid of him when she was done. She did that often.’ Cullen went still.

Lea sent her magic looking for his senses, wanting to reassure him, soothe his bad memories. His senses snuck around her, holding her magic in him again.

‘How did you manage to avoid sleeping with Meredith? I heard anyone who tried to refuse her was expelled or life made so miserable they had to leave.’ Lea was half scared of the answer.

‘She needed me. I did manage to escape having to have sex with her, thank the Maker! The idea is repulsive. So many more were not so fortunate,’ Cullen shook his head in disgust. ‘I still wonder how I managed to serve her for so long.’

Lea understood his hesitation, his tension now. What happened at Kirkwall had scarred him more than he cared to admit.

_I am so sorry. First Kinloch Hold. Then Kirkwall. Then Haven._

_You are braver than you know, Commander. To be so beaten upon and still to stand tall at the end._

_''_ Samson has a chronic lyrium addiction,’ Cullen added after a while, his head to one side as Lea’s fingers still worked up and down. ‘Corypheus must be feeding him red lyrium. I have no idea why he’d want Samson as a general – his glory days as a Templar were long gone.’

‘That is doing wonders for my head by the way.’ He reached up and grabbed her hand to kiss it before letting her continue. He stared sightlessly outside.

‘I am still coming to terms with….with the years I spent there,’ Cullen said in a low voice, his pain apparent. ‘I am sorry if I come across as distant, Leaena. Please forgive me.’

‘I’m so sorry, Cullen, for all that you went through.’ Lea was nearly in tears, trying to let her magic make him feel better as she put her arms around his neck and hugged him from behind, giving him gentle kisses on his neck.

He held her for a second, before tilting his head to kiss her slowly. As he released her lips, he looked at her. ‘So how does a mage from Ostwick know a cast-out Templar from Kirkwall?’

She breathed deeply as she stood up to walk around the room. Cullen’s eyes followed her waiting for her to speak. He reached out his senses to comfort her this time, holding them, protecting her, feeling her pain.

‘Trystan and Cadan found he was trying to interfere with the smuggled and legitimate lyrium supply in Ostwick. He was, as you said, desperate, wanting for more to be diverted to Kirkwall. Samson kidnapped me to get back at them. After Kirkwall's Circle fell. I don’t know the full details but I know Trystan was really concerned about red lyrium too though then I didn’t understand it. Samson may have been getting involved even back then.’ Lea stopped to gather herself.

‘I had no idea who he was until he caught me on my father’s estate. The joys of coming from a family like mine. I’m an easy target and sometimes we have fingers in too many pies,’ she finished bitterly.

‘He tried…’ she stopped, struggling to stop the bile from rising. ‘He tried to rape me. Why the fuck do people always want to rape me?’ she said to herself in anger, shaking from the memory.

She walked out to balcony, needing some fresh air and a better view than the images in her head. Lea felt Cullen’s reaction to her words, fury that she’d never experienced the like of before, sorrow that she had to be mistreated yet again by someone who had once been sworn to protect her, anguish for her pain.

He slipped behind her, putting his arms around her waist, kissing the top of her hair.

‘He would have succeeded too, but he couldn’t get it up. The Maker truly watched over me those hours I was away before my brothers found him. They nearly killed him but, the weasel that he is, he managed to escape. He was in the grip of lyrium withdrawal but kept me in place with a Silence. I was in a shed somewhere out of Ostwick, tied up n…naked, but he didn’t lay a finger on me once he knew he couldn’t actually do anything about it. I had to put up with him pawing at me right at the start but that was as far as it got. He’s a fucking spineless coward,’ she spat.

‘I have nightmares that he stalks my dreams. But we are in the Fade. It’s really strange. His eyes glow red, just like they did at Haven. He’s threatening me, threatening Trystan…..and yet he makes out like he’s some sort of fucking saviour….’ Lea tailed off, shaking slightly.

Slowly, Cullen released her and spun her round to him. Lea almost gasped at the black fury in his eyes. She had never seen him like this before, feeling his lyrium spike, his abilities at the ready.

_This is the Templar within you that you keep hidden._

_Ruthless. Trained to hunt, prepared to kill. Deadly._

‘You’ve given me double the reason to hunt this fucker down and kill him with my bare hands,’ he growled. ‘I promise you, Leaena…promise! We will find him and we will stop him from spreading his poison. If that other cunt from your Circle was still alive I would have found him already and put a sword through his heart for you.’

‘I know you would,’ she whispered shakily. ‘I love you for protecting me. I will always feel safe with you.’

He held her tight, letting her feel him, his senses, his lyrium comforting her magic, helping ease her panic at the memories, helping him bring his anger into check. Lea felt her breathing ease, relaxing in his arms again.

He drew a deep breath. ‘I….I am so sorry, Leaena, that this happened to you.’ The killing shadows had left his eyes as he reached down and kissed her gently. ‘We will deal with Samson, we will find Trystan and then you can finally relax.’

‘Do you have to meet Varric’s magical mystery guest right now or can you leave it?’ he asked.

‘I can spare some time,’ she replied.

‘Good. Wait here for me? I will only be gone a few minutes.’

She nodded and he turned and left her room.

Lea looked blindly out over the mountains. Yesterday they had both been relaxed and happy, the trek from Haven providing some bizarre bubble that suspended the reality of what they were battling with. That magical night by the lake…

How funny how feelings can change so suddenly.

Life had intruded with a big bang the moment she set foot in Skyhold.

She had told no one of what actually happened – it was hardly the thing one shared with brothers, and she couldn’t talk to her mother or Caya about it. 

The memories of those few hours in captivity threatened to overwhelm her. A crazy ex-Templar, talking no sense who she had never seen before, ripping off her clothes, his sweaty hands over her body, trying to force her legs open as she kicked him in the mouth, making him bleed, his rage as he tried to punish her, groping mindlessly at her breasts, tying her up, so tight the chords had left scars, her desperate fear at having her magic cut off from her….

_Fighting a desire demon was so much easier._

Lea bent over and started to throw up, choking as her tears started to fall. Her magic was frantically seeking Cullen, looking for him, needing him. She vaguely registered him coming closer, trying to get to her quickly, but the past was overwhelming her.

‘It….is not….fucking good to have someone….rape…you,’ she gasped to herself as she bent over again, ‘cut me off….ooh fuck..cut me off…from my magic….’

That had been the worst. The sight of the brand rising in her mind as she desperately tried to escape the Harrowing Chamber, coming towards her relentlessly, to cut her off from the Fade. She screwed her eyes shut, trying to block out the thoughts as she vomited again.

_Too much, too much, too much, too much, too much._

Her brain was overloading, memories she had ruthlessly suppressed with everything that had happened, the desperate flight from Haven, the terror of never seeing Cullen again, that they might not make it out alive, everyone dead.

_Inquisitor, Inquisitor, Inquisitor….._

_All those people, expecting me to save them all, but I can’t save them, I can’t even save myself….Maker, what have I done? I cannot do this….._

She staggered away, falling to her knees.

Suddenly, she was scooped up into Cullen’s arms as he held her close, whispering to her gently, telling her he was sorry for leaving her, carrying her to her bed. Solas was there too, calmly giving her a potion. She felt Cullen’s senses pulling her right to him, winding her magic around his lyrium, telling her he loved her, was proud of her, would always be there for her.

As she felt him tuck his cloak over her, kissing her gently, stroking her hair, her waking nightmares were slowly replaced by the memory of a man, his sculpted body hard, muscles etched in perfect definition as he dove into the moonlit lake.

_The blaze in his eyes as he tasted me, the feel of him as he moved within me, the look on his face as he came, calling my name…._

She slipped straight into sleep.

\-----

The fire was crackling and Lea realised she had slept under Cullen’s cloak again. He was sat next to her, holding her hand whilst writing something on a table next to him.

If she hadn’t felt that she was lying on a proper bed, she would have been convinced they were at the camp near Haven again, so familiar was the scene.

He felt her wake up just as she whispered his name.

‘Cullen?’

He immediately dropped what he was doing to come and sit on the bed next to her. ‘Hello my lady, how are you feeling?’

‘Better thank you,’ she smiled at him. ‘I really do.’

She yawned and stretched.

‘You look like a cat,’ he chuckled as he reached down and gave her a kiss.

‘Talking really helped. I mean, I don’t like my reaction to it all but it feels like a bit of pressure is off inside me. Especially about Samson. I…I have never told anyone what really happened.’ She bit her lip in embarrassment and looked down.

In one move Cullen was in bed next to her, lying on his side not letting her escape his eyes.

‘I love you. And I am so sorry that happened to you. We will find him and he will pay. You did nothing wrong and there was nothing you could have done to stop it. You, my lady Inquisitor, are braver than anyone I know.’ He kissed her gently as her tears suddenly appeared.

‘I am such a watering pot,’ she muttered as she furiously wiped at her eyes.

‘Solas said this attack was similar to what happened in Val Royaeux. You are healing every time you go through this. It will get better and easier, but I am afraid that it will take some time,’ Cullen looked at her slightly anxiously.

‘How do you feel about being Inquisitor? Really? I realised we never talked about it, getting sidetracked as we did.’

Lea smiled as she reached up to stroke his face, ‘When I have a moment like I did earlier, everything feels too much. But that doesn’t happen often – hardly ever actually. Once the initial panic settled down, I felt quite excited. Albeit a bit scared – it is a big responsibility.’

She thought further before continuing. ‘It is a chance for people to see a mage can work with them, side by side, and be trusted. I hope I can start to repair centuries of damage and find a better way of doing things. The Inquisition gives us all that power.’

Cullen kissed her slowly before looking at her again. ‘You are wise. There is so much work to do but what we all do now will shape the future for generations to come. I believe in you. Look at the people you have surrounding you already. That is simply because of who you are.’

_More kisses please. Or talking. Actually both._

_Maker, I love the way you taste and how your voice rumbles right through me._

‘Thank you, Cullen,’ she smiled. ‘I don’t do it on my own though. We all have our part to play and everyone works so hard to make this happen.’

She reached for him, wanting to kiss him further, which he was happy to oblige her in. She slowly let her tongue slide into his mouth, enjoying the feel of his lips against hers, lightly kissing and teasing her own.

Lea sat up suddenly, needing to feel more of him. She took his face in her hands, trembling slightly as she leant forward to give him a deeper kiss, letting all her emotion, all her feelings, everything he meant to her flow through her body, through her magic, needing him to know how much he meant to her.

Her hands found their way down his back, remembering his beautiful, perfectly proportioned body in the moonlight, as a bolt of heat shot to her core.

His hands were stroking her face, sliding down her back, whilst still slowly, gently kissing her, teasing the tip of her tongue with his.

‘I need to feel you,’ Lea whispered, looking into his eyes that were burning their golden fire.

Wordlessly, he reached for her, pulling her out of the covers and lifting his shirt from her body, getting her to lie down as he slowly slid her knickers off, before he removed his shirt and breeches.

_Holy Andraste, this man’s body is just perfect._

‘You need to lie down, Commander,’ Lea’s voice shook slightly as she sat on her knees. ‘I want to explore you for a while.’

‘As my lady desires,’ Cullen murmured, never taking his eyes off her as he placed his arms above his head.  

Lea couldn’t help herself as she reached down to his thick cock, taking it in her hand and slowly started to stroke it. She began to explore his body with her other hand.

‘When I saw you in the moonlight just before you got into the lake I thought I was looking at a statue of a god,’ she whispered, letting her fingernails drag across his lower abdomen, her index finger trailing along the line of golden hair that ran down from his navel.

Cullen’s stomach tensed as he arched his back slightly, the muscles rippling, as her fingers skirted around them, slowly working her way up. Her other hand still stroked him slowly, gently, as she enjoyed the feel of how hard he was.

‘You have a beautiful body, Cullen. When you took me in your arms in the lake that first time, the sensation your skin against mine blew me away. It was unbelievable to feel you at last.’ Her nails had made a circular trip over his ribs, tracing each one, before she reached one nipple, lightly letting the tip of her finger circle round.

Cullen still hadn’t moved, his breathing getting shallower, watching her, his eyes burning brighter. She felt the intensity of his need for her, how much he wanted her, his senses calling for her to come ever closer to him, demanding to have her magic completely entwined.

Her hand ghosted over his skin to his other nipple, flicking it lightly with her thumb, watching how hard it became so quickly. He had a long jagged scar on this side that she traced from his collarbone down to the middle of his chest. She still kept stroking his cock slowly, noticing the drops of precome that had appeared. Lowering her head, she let her tongue flicker across its head, tasting him.

;You taste delicious.' A small smile pulled at her lips. Cullen was fighting to keep his self-control.

'Leaena....' he let out a wordless groan, his whole body tensing.

She let her hand drift back down to his lower abdomen, loving the way his skin and muscles reacted to the feel of her touch. ‘I have wanted to touch you, feel you like this, see all of you, from the moment I saw you.’ Her nails teased the inner thighs of his powerful legs, running them slowly up just before she reached his balls, before withdrawing down again.

This time she felt his whole body shiver, unable to control his reaction to her touch. ‘I will have to steal your words from last night,’ she whispered, looking at him again, feeling her skin burn at the intensity in his eyes as she stopped stroking him and let both her hands travel across his body, delighting in the feel of his skin against hers. ‘The reality of you far exceeds my expectations. And believe me, they were very high. Which means you are pretty much the best thing I've ever experienced.’

In one swift move, Cullen pounced, flipping Lea to lie underneath him, his arms on either side of her head. As he positioned himself between her legs he slid into her in one quick thrust.

Lea gasped, her whole body rising to meet him, delighting in how good his cock felt inside her tight, dripping wet core, filling her completely. She wrapped her legs around his waist, letting her arms slide around his waist, holding him to her as close as possible.

‘I believe it’s my turn,’ he whispered as he ever so slowly started to move inside her. Lea felt the delicious heat in her lower abdomen build and ripple out across her body with each one of his thrusts.

Still moving inside her excruciatingly slowly, he bent one head down to tease a nipple with his mouth. She shuddered as he rolled the tip with his tongue before gently tugging each one between his teeth.

‘Cullen….’ Lea moaned softly. The feel of his mouth, the heat of him, kissing her breasts, licking her, nipping them gently whilst she watched him – she needed him to go faster, feel him moving harder inside her.

He looked up at her as he released one nipple from his mouth. He knew her need, could feel it. Her magic was singing its siren call, his lyrium, his whole being, pulled towards her.

‘The sight of you, last night, covered in your juices as I had just made you come,’ he said, his voice betraying how close he was to coming. ‘You were a vision of sin and perfection combined.’

Cullen started to increase his speed, letting out a low exhale as Lea raked her nails down his back, pulling him towards her, needing to feel his whole body against hers. He slid one hand down to tease her clit, rubbing it against his thumb as he thrust rhythmically into her.

Lea cried out, writhing underneath the sensation, the incredible friction of his cock deep inside her, feeling the slow pressure build within her as she neared the edge. She slid her hands onto his ass, running her hands along the ridges of muscle before urging him to fuck her hard.

‘I love watching you as you come, Leaena,’ he whispered, his eyes dark molten gold, his breathing getting more and more erratic as he fucked her faster.

‘Cullen….Cullen….’ Lea’s whole body fragmented as she came hard, feeling herself tighten around him, not wanting him to stop, not wanting him to leave her body. Cullen finally let himself go with a guttural growl after a few more strokes, Lea loving the feeling of his cock throbbing in her as he came inside her, seeing the intensity throughout his body as he shook.

‘Leaena…..Maker…..’ he groaned, lying his body down over hers, breathing hard. She could feel how fast his heart was beating, felt her magic holding his senses close as they spun together in their timeless dance. She loved feeling the weight of him on her like this as she stroked his hair.

_Holy Andraste, this man knows exactly how to make my body sing._

_He knows just how to banish my demons._

Slowly Cullen moved, coming to lie on his side next to her, giving her a lazy smile as he let one hand idly stroke her stomach, tracing a pattern.

‘You can do that any time you like,’ he said with that half-smile of his. ‘You have expert hands, my lady.’

Lea smiled, luxuriating in the feel of his come mixed with hers between her legs. ‘You feel good,’ she said quietly as she watched him. ‘Very good,’ she added with a small blush, letting her finger play with the scar on his lip. ‘How did you get this?’

‘Kirkwall. Qunari uprising. One of their blades. Hence why I got the shock of my life when Bull’s dagger suddenly appeared on my target that night in Haven,’ he replied with a quick grin before his expression changed. ‘Are you sure you are alright?’

‘After what you just did to me?’ she said as she stretched languidly. ‘I defy anyone not to feel on top of the world after the way you just fucked me.’ Lea sat up, enjoying seeing Cullen look a bit flustered at her compliment.

‘Do we have to go out anywhere though? I would rather not see anyone until tomorrow.’ She sighed then, feeling guilty.

‘Leaena you just had a major memory return. Every day you are confronted by reminders of your past, and you make it through. Allow yourself an evening to recuperate. The events of the last few days have been extraordinary. I already sent word to Varric that you would be meeting his guest tomorrow.’ Cullen’s voice brooked no argument.

‘I am going to get up and organise a few things, then I will be back. Will you be ok?’ Lea nodded. She would struggle to move.

‘If you are that desperate to do something, then I have a stack of intelligence reports from Cadan I had been meaning to pass to you on Fade rift activity in Ferelden.’ He kissed her once more before getting up and pulling his clothes on.

‘Maker, Cullen your body is beautiful,’ Lea said admiringly as she watched him. ‘Get used to me saying that to you an awful lot.’ Cullen smiled, giving her another soft, lingering kiss. ‘I aim to please, my lady.’

As he left the room, Lea stretched out again before sitting up, quickly tidying herself up. She slowly pulled his shirt over her head, put her knickers on and wound her hair into a bun on top of her head. She got up and padded round the room softly, admiring how much had been done in such a short space of time.

The view was spectacular as she went outside to appreciate it again.

_Did he clean up after me? I am blessed._

_My internal storm has passed, thank the Maker._

Last night at the lake had been purely magical. The abrupt change to becoming the Inquisitor and all those hundreds of people had probably been a bit too much for her.

_I will just have to get used to it._

_So much, in such a short space of time._

She leaned against the side, lost in thought until she felt Cullen’s approach as he neared her quarters, her magic reaching out for him. He walked up to her on the balcony, holding her from behind as he bent to kiss her on her neck.

_I love the smell of you._

_I’m stealing your cloak when I depart for the Hissing Wastes._

‘Come,’ he said gently. ‘I have dinner for you.’

They sat, talked, laughed and shared more stories, allowing each other to relax. Lea felt how happy to be here, happy to be with this man. They settled in to work next to each other in companionable silence, she scattering her notes across the bed, his in a neat pile next to him on the table as he worked through things methodically.

_In his precise way, as always._

Catching him smile at her, Lea’s heart swelled inside her chest for the hundredth time that day. She impulsively leaned over and pressed a kiss to his lips. ‘I love you,’ she said softly.

‘I love you too,’ Golden eyes glowed as warm as the morning dawn, sending warmth throughout her. His lyrium, his senses were holding her magic close, letting her feel safe, protected, loved.

_I have never felt so close to anyone as I do you._

_I think I’m finally beginning to heal._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would normally just leave a chapter to stand on its own but I wanted to explain this a bit further. When I played DA:2 Samson creeped me out big time. He was so sinister and seemed overly interested in the people he was trying to help. I never bought his act in DA:I about being all noble. It was in such conflict to who he was in DA:2 for me. It's hideous for poor Lea that Samson decided to inflict himself on her,
> 
> But I also think we never hear enough about lyrium withdrawal. Cullen is exceptionally strong as we know compared to his former Templars and I don't know if his symptoms are as typical. This is my depiction of one such manifestation of the madness it drives some Templars to.


	40. Demons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A brief description of torture and non-consensual sexual acts is in this chapter.

She was circling around him, her thick red hair flowing over her breasts, completely naked. Her skin was so pale as to be completely white, green eyes smouldering with lust, her blood red lips curved in a wicked smile.

Cullen was bound to the chair, also completely naked, hard, wanting her, like he’d wanted her the moment he’d seen her when he’d arrived at the Circle.

‘Hello Cullen,’ she whispered in his ear before biting it hard. She walked round him again, letting her long maroon nails scratch his skin hard, over his chest and across his back, red wheals left in their wake. ‘Did you miss me?’

‘Freya?’ How?...’ Cullen shook his head slightly at the pain that had, for some reason, made him even harder. Something wasn’t…..

She stood in front of him, teasing her dark brown nipples before sliding one hand down, fingering her folds, lifting her finger to his mouth to taste.

‘You like the taste of me, don’t you Cullen,’ she whispered, as she then straddled one of her legs and slid her hot wetness on his thigh, sliding her fingers in and out of his mouth still. He tasted the tangy sweet-salt and felt himself respond, groaning, wanting more of her. Except….the taste was wrong.

‘No….I…..no!’ he ground out. ‘Demon! I wondered how long it would take before you appeared again to torment me!’

The room twisted. He found himself still bound, still naked as the demon that was Freya Amell was joined by a demon that was Nathalie Hawke. She too was naked, her black hair up high, violet eyes dark with lust, glowing as she held her magic to her.

Nathalie kissed Freya deeply right in front of him, letting her breasts tease the other mage’s, sliding one hand between Freya’s legs and fingering her slowly before taking her hand out to taste. Turning to face him, she walked over, sliding her fingers into his mouth again, almost making him gag as he tried to get her fingers out of his mouth. 

‘Hello, Cullen,’ she said in her throaty voice, licking her lips as she ran one finger up and down his cock. ‘You might think we are demons but yet you are still hard. With wanting us. You like fucking mages, don’t you Cullen? Even though you’re not supposed to?’ Nathalie-demon’s hand was working his cock harder. ‘You’re a bad bad boy.’

‘I couldn’t give a fuck what you think. Get. Out. Of. My. Head.’ He growled, trying to close his eyes so he couldn’t see them, frantically fighting his body's instinctive reactions.

Freya-demon had come to stand behind Nathalie-demon, stroking the other woman’s breasts, making it impossible for him to turn away as Nathalie-demon forced his head round, his chin in her hand. ‘But, Cullen, not just one powerful mage, but two. At the same time. Don’t you want to see us fuck? Are you sure you won’t join in?’

‘NO!’ he shouted. ‘I do not want this!’

‘And yet you are still here with us,’ Freya-demon said in a seductive, low voice. ‘After I bought a playmate as well. Nathalie, he is ungrateful.’

‘He is. He needs to pay,’ the other demon said, standing up and slapping him hard across his face. ‘We can give you your heart’s desire, Cullen. We are giving you your heart’s desire. And you would deny yourself - for what?’

‘You couldn’t even begin to understand, demon,’ Cullen said through gritted teeth.

Nathalie-demon disappeared suddenly while Freya-demon bore down on him, a look of fury on her face, her teeth turned into sharp points, her hair morphing into long blue horns, her skin almost purple. ‘Templar, I will make you suffer,’ it hissed. ‘I represent everything you have always wanted but could never have. I will make you wish you had taken me in this form whilst you had the chance. Do not defy me again or I will make you live to regret it!’

‘No,’ he said, desperately battling the the old fear rising in his gut again, making him sweat, needing to vomit. ‘You don’t. You don’t know me at all. Do your worst, demon. I will not be swayed by any paltry temptations you try and put in my path!’

The Freya-demon vanished as he sat upright in shock.

\-----

‘Cullen….Cullen…..it’s ok.’ Cullen coughed, touching his face, wondering what form of torment the demon had come up with this time for him to be covered in water.

‘I’m so sorry,’ Leaena said, stammering slightly as she offered him something to wipe himself down with. ‘But you were in the grip of a nightmare and I couldn’t wake you at all. And I thought you might want to wake up so I threw water on your head.’

Sparking sapphire blue eyes, dusky pink lips and a riot of white-blonde hair still messy from sleeping greeted his eyes as he stared at her unblinking.

_I haven’t had Leaena as a demon yet so that would be an all-time low if she is._

_Maybe…let’s see…..maybe this is real._

He reached over and grabbed her, placing her on his lap and holding her tight, not wiping his face, just holding her as he shook uncontrollably, trying to control his urge to vomit, fighting to banish the memory of the nightmare.

She held him tight, soothing as her magic reached for his senses, felt her stroke his hair, kiss him, love him. Slowly, the images faded and he felt his body return to normal.

‘I…..just…I had to make sure you were real,’ he said shakily, his head still muffled into her waist.

‘I’m real,’ she said softly, hugging him back hard.

Eventually he lifted his head and pressed a kiss to her lips. ‘Thank you, Leaena. Maker’s Breath…I…’ he couldn’t finish as he exhaled shakily.

‘It’s ok, Cullen. I understand too,’ she whispered.

He ran a hand through his hair. ‘I have….nightmares. Sometimes. They vary in intensity. That one was particularly….virulent.’

_That’s one word for it._

_Maker, why can’t I just be honest with her?_

She sat looking at him, considering. ‘Do you want to go for a walk? We could go to the battlements, watch the sun rise? Clear our heads? The last couple of days have been somewhat intense, haven’t they?’ she said with a rueful smile.

‘That sounds like an excellent idea, my lady,’ he replied.

Quickly they dressed and headed down to the main hall. Leaena noticed there had been some clearing up work done. Cullen saw her looking. ‘We got quite a lot achieved yesterday actually. Work has progressed on the whole fortress and major structural repairs should be completed by the end of the week.’

‘That fast? I’m impressed,’ Leaena said, looking round. ‘Here – let’s try this door. I hardly had any time to look around yesterday. I’m glad that nonsense of an Inquisitor ceremony got done and out of the way so quickly. I’m only sorry that I have to leave again so quickly but I guess that’s the nature of the threat we are trying to battle.’

_I will miss you when you are gone, my lady._

_Who will throw water over me to wake me from my next nightmare?_

She led him up a flight of stairs just past Solas’ rooms and towards a tower. He was feeling better already, enjoying being up so early. He caught her hand and pulled her to him for a brief kiss. The day was just starting, the mountains turning pink in the early morning sun. Aside from the guards patrolling, there was no one around.

_Now. Here is my opportunity to tell her._

‘Funny you should bring me this way,’ Cullen smiled at her. ‘This is going to be my office and sleeping quarters.’

Leaena looked at him and the tower in front of her. ‘But Cullen, there’s a huge hole in the roof. How does that work? Surely you want that finished first?’

‘I like fresh air,’ he grinned. ‘Come, let’s have a quick look and see if it’s ready yet.’

‘Honestly, Cullen, what if it snows?’ Leaena grumbled.

‘You mean I can’t come bunk in with you?’ he teased her.

‘Of course you can but….’ She stopped as a thought occurred to her as they walked across the battlements on the other side.

‘Maker, what a beautiful morning that is,’ she breathed as she leant on the stones to look out. ‘I just had an exceedingly belated thought,’ she grimaced as she turned to face him. ‘People must be gossiping. Must have been gossiping. The Herald of Andraste and the Commander of the Inquisition. It has quite the ring to it doesn’t it.’

_Let them talk. It doesn’t change the way I feel about you._

Cullen was silent for a moment. ‘I would rather our private affairs remained that way but, equally,  I am rather pleased they have something to talk about.’

Leaena blushed at that, smiling shyly. Heedless of anyone around them, Cullen moved to her and kissed her slowly.

_You looked adorable. I couldn’t help myself._

‘I think we should come out here more often, Commander,’ she murmured as he broke off the kiss. ‘Fresh air and a stiff breeze seems to have worked wonders for you.’

_You have worked wonders for me._

‘I can see myself coming out here for a break,’ he acknowledged with a smile. ‘It’s nice at this time of day as well. Skyhold is deserted.’

‘Isn’t it just? I’ve always preferred solitude to hordes of people around,’ she said and looked at him harder. ‘How are you feeling now? Are you recovered?’

_There are some things I may never recover from._

_Fuck, I need to tell her!_

‘I feel much better now, thank you. But how about you? Yesterday was not easy for you.’ He reached out and stroked some hair away from her eyes.

_Well done, Cullen. Dodging the conversation yet again._

_Slow clap for you._

‘I feel better, honestly. Better than since the Conclave emotionally,’ she sighed. ‘Thank you for being there for me yet again. It’s going to be hard to be away from you for the next few weeks. I will be ok but I can’t pretend I’m looking forward to it.’

‘We’ll deal with that when you leave. But you are so much stronger and braver than you give yourself credit for.’ He held her, resting his head on the side of hers as they watched the sun rise, enjoying the silence and peace for a few minutes.

Sighing, she turned. ‘I really need to get this Varric business out of the way. What do you know of Hawke – if that is who it is?’

_She has been stalking me in my nightmares from the day I met her. And now apparently wants threesomes in my head with another desire demon._

_Imagine her reaction if I actually said that out loud. How fucked up it sounds._

Cullen hesitated, thinking of the best way to answer. ‘Nathalie Hawke and I - we aided each other out of necessity when Meredith went mad but we were hardly on the same page when it came to magic use. I always thought she sided with the Templars at the end through sheer shock at what Anders had done.’

He thought further before responding. ‘She executed Anders herself for what he did. That must have been very hard for her. And she did a lot for Kirkwall. It is unfortunate how things have been in the city since the Circle fell. But she was an apostate mage and many held that against her.’

Leaena nodded her understanding. ‘A powerful, presumably beautiful woman who is also an expert magic user. So much going against her, for people to hate her for when they should respect her.’

‘She’s an elemental mage, similar to you, but with a preference for Storm. And she is very powerful but still not as strong as you. And,’ he kissed her again, ‘not as beautiful. But I am biased.’

Leaena grinned at him. ‘I wonder if she will train with me. That would be interesting.’

_Sure, if you want to give my nightmares more fodder._

‘Oh and in all seriousness,’ she said, ‘can we schedule some time in to practice? I would appreciate it.’

‘Of course. I may get sidetracked,’ Cullen whispered by her ear, ‘but we can certainly start with good intentions.’

He felt her shiver in anticipation, her magic warming and reaching for him.

‘What can I expect when I speak to her?’ she asked, swallowing slightly.

_Just the mere suggestion of it has you full of lust my lady? Then our next session promises to be explosive._

‘Sarcasm, flippancy and a bucket load of bad jokes,’ he replied sourly. ‘Varric is one of her closest friends, after all.’

‘Excellent,’ Leaena grinned. ‘I’m sure we’ll get along very well. Besides, Cadan has met her a few times and she is with Sebastian so we have some common ground.’

‘Seriously,’ he laughed, ‘I know I asked this question already, but does your family know anyone who is anyone in southern Thedas?’

‘It feels that way sometimes – and it isn’t something I enjoy! Sebastian and I grew up together although I haven’t seen him for years. Hey,’ she said sticking her tongue out at him, ‘my family is complicated! You did know this before you took me on.’

‘Took you on? Are you some sort of special case I need to fix?’ He grinned at her expression.

‘Oh! I will get you one of these days, Commander! Anyway,’ Leaena sighed, her playful tone gone, ‘I guess we should get to work? I could spend all day with you, but I have some letters to write then hopefully Varric’s guest should be free.’ At his nod she gave him a kiss and a wave. ‘I’ll get you all together to discuss what happens.’

_The view from behind is almost as good as the view from the front._

Cullen stood with his arms folded, watching her walk off. She still had very little in terms of clothes as did everyone else. She had just thrown on one of his shirts, the navy trousers from her armour and those black boots that regularly made an appearance in his better dreams. Her hair was still a riot falling down her back as she sauntered off, unconsciously graceful.

The feel of her body wrapped around him, his cock inside of her, watching her play and tease him – he could hardly wait till later.

 _'_ _And she looks spectacular no matter what she wears._

_Her body, that ass…._

_No, that desire demon doesn't get it at all._

_All I want is in her, who she is._

He leaned against the battlements, looking out. She was right – the last two days had been frantic. That brief, amazing interlude at the lake hadn’t prepared either of them for the amount of pressure that awaited them at Skyhold.

_I was frightened for her yesterday._

‘Fuck’, he cursed to himself. He should not have left her knowing how low she had been. He had no choice but to let her go across Thedas without him. And when she told him what happened to her, he wanted to hunt Samson down there and then. It didn’t matter if the man was crazed on lyrium withdrawal. They should have made sure he was punished properly in Kirkwall, prevented this from ever happening.

_Another failure of mine?_

_Maker, when will I learn to forgive myself?_

_Maybe when I actually start being honest with her? Practice what you preach, Cullen._

He was afraid to tell her. Afraid of her reaction.

_Afraid of her rejection when she knew._

_Not worried about what her reaction will be when she realises you’ve lied to her from the day you meet?_

Soon, he promised himself. He headed to his desk, seeking out her signature which he could still feel, pulling her magic into him. He started on another pile of reports, and, for once, was able to ignore the lyrium kit in his drawer.

\-----

Lea walked the battlements with a certain amount of interest. She was about to meet a woman whose fame equalled the Hero of Ferelden for the deeds she’d accomplished for Kirkwall.

_Not to mention killing an Arishok, a First Enchanter and a Knight-Commander._

_And I’m just assuming Varric bought her. I can’t think of anyone else who could be useful…oh yes, there she is._

Lea approached Varric and his guest, waiting as Varric made the introductions.

‘Inquisitor, this is the Viscountess of Kirkwall, Nathalie Hawke. Hawke, this is the Inquisitor,’ Varric said grandly.

‘Not a title I use much any more,’ Natalie said quietly. Lea could tell the other woman was assessing her, just as she was.

_Of course she is beautiful. I like her hair, long and black and I can see from her aura she’s Storm._

_Also kind of jealous – I want purple eyes._

The two of them chatted lightly for a few minutes before Lea made a decision.

‘Is it too early to head to the tavern?’

Nathalie grinned at her. ‘It is never too early to head to the tavern.’

They made great progress over a couple of ales or so in a private part of the tavern, firstly identifying what to do about Corypheus and their strategy. The Grey Warden lead sounded about what Alistair had suggested.

_Funny how Blackwall knows nothing of this at all when every other Grey Warden pretty much has vanished._

They then relaxed a bit, swapping stories on mutual contacts.

‘Sebastian would have come, but you know Starkhaven,’ Nathalie shrugged. Lea could see how much the other woman was missing him though.

‘We’ll get this mess sorted out and you can get home. Will you go back to Kirkwall or stay in Starkhaven?’ Lea asked.

Nathalie sighed. ‘I really don’t know. It’s such a mess there, all the infighting. But that could apply to either side. I love Kirkwall, but I’m not convinced it loves me. Anyway,’ she said, changing the subject abruptly, ‘how is that devastating twin of yours? Half the families in Kirkwall are trying to persuade your parents to get him down the aisle.’

‘I wish them luck with that,’ Lea chuckled. ‘He’s still in Denerim with Alistair checking for any Venatori threats to Ferelden. And I do believe his heart is already taken, although he stubbornly refuses to admit it.’

‘So like a man,’ Nathalie laughed. ‘He should just bow to the inevitable and get on with it. He’d be far happier.’

‘You know Cadan all too well,’ Lea agreed.

‘And how is Knight-Commander Rutherford?’ Nathalie hesitantly asked. ‘I admit to a certain trepidation when I heard he was Commander of the Inquisition’s forces, particularly given you’re a mage.’

‘I think you’ll find his views on mages have - altered – somewhat,’ Lea said slowly. ‘I know his reputation as Knight-Commander all too well though. Ostwick was only down the road after all. But I do not think that he is the same man you remember.’

‘Maker, the apprentices and younger mages were terrified of him and fantasising about him in equal measure,’ Nathalie laughed at the memories. ‘I wonder if he’s still getting all that attention? I think on his part it was unwanted at least.’

‘Why don’t you ask him yourself? He should be here shortly.’ Lea sipped her drink, relaxing even more as she felt Cullen come closer, pulling her magic to him, wanting to see her.

‘How do you know that?’ Nathalie was curious.

‘Mages and Templars. That sort of thing.’ Lea was deliberately casual. ‘In fact he should be through that door in about a minute or so.’

‘I know I can sense them but that’s about it……Maker’s Breath that’s a dramatic change indeed.’ Nathalie stared openly fascinated, realising exactly what Lea had alluded to as Cullen waked through the door with Leliana and Josephine.

‘Hi everyone, this is Nathalie Hawke. You know Cullen already – this is Leliana, our Nightingale and Josephine, our Ambassador.’

Lea watched Cullen and Nathalie greet each other with a certain wariness on both their parts. The years in Kirkwall had left them both suspicious. Well, it wasn’t for her to interfere.

_Unless I need to defend him._

_He has changed. He’s trying so hard to understand, to not be that man he was._

_Oh she knew Leliana? That woman gets around._

‘Thank you for coming here. I thought it might be easier to catch up over a drink rather than be terrifyingly formal in the war room……’

\------

One more drink turned into three more turned into four more once the business talk was done, particularly when Bull, Varric and Dorian joined in.

Lea and Cullen didn’t stay too long afterwards, wishing everyone a good night and heading off.

‘I suspect they have other things to do that are a bit more interesting than cards,’ Varric chuckled as he dealt.

‘I can’t actually believe that’s the same man that used to carry out Meredith’s word to the letter, now openly with a mage.’ Nathalie marvelled. ‘I’m in for the next round.’

‘Quite the change in old Curly isn’t it? Our Inquisitor has been very good for him.’ Varric agreed.

‘Well, he couldn’t have gotten much worse. It was a fine line he walked between turning into another Meredith.’ Nathalie threw a card away.

‘He didn’t though,’ Varric said quietly. ‘Frosty saved him. Let’s just hope he realises it soon before it’s too late.’


	41. A dwarf observes

'Maker’s Breath, if I never see another grain of sand in my life it will be too soon,’ Dorian complained as he shook out his bedroll, a look of disgust on his face. ‘What a blighted place this is! There was actually a scorpion crawling over my face last night. Such charming bedfellows they make. Not.’

‘Well if it’s bedfellows you’re looking for Dorian, my offer is still open,’ Bull said with a lascivious wink. ‘I’d slay a scorpion for you.’

‘You are impossible! That is…urgh!’ Dorian threw his hands in the air and stalked off, Bull getting up to follow him.

‘Shit, if I’d realised how much sexual tension there was between those two I would have left one of them at Skyhold,’ Lea said, making a face.

‘Two worlds tearing them apart, Tevinter and Qunari, with only love to keep them together. Damn, that’s a good line,’ Varric sighed in satisfaction, reaching for a quill and paper. ‘And yes, they need to get a room.’

‘And then we might have a conversation that doesn’t involve one baiting the other.’ She pulled Cullen’s cloak closer around her, reaching for another piece of toffee.

Varric watched her for a moment as she slowly ate before reaching for her small glass of whiskey, lost in thought. They’d all been rather surprised that the Inquisitor was a fan of such hard liquor when she pulled out the bottle of single malt, but no one complained as she shared it round.

There was no doubt about it in Varric’s mind - not even women like Hawke could touch this woman for beauty or power, and she would be the only one he could think of who even came close. The way they had as a team seamlessly carved the Inquisition’s path through the Wastes, eliminating the Venatori presence, was a testament to her direction and strength. Even up against some of the more unexpected beasts and a few trickier demons, she hadn’t faltered once.

_We would all do anything she asked of us._

Little did Lea know it, but Cullen had come to speak to Varric before they’d set off, asking him to keep an eye on Lea for him, in case a repeat of Val Royaeux happened. The man’s overwhelming frustration at not being able to be there personally for her was apparent, as well as how in love he was with their Inquisitor. He was desperate to make sure no harm befell her.

‘I will come if you need me. Just send word and stay put till I get there,’ Cullen had said, passing him two sleeping draughts from Solas he could use if necessary. ‘She is travelling with Bull for the first time and that’s a big deal for her,’ he’d continued. ‘This is her first time without the core group when we all first met.’ Varric understood. Lea needed to trust people and Bull was still an unknown for her.

He had then given Varric a bulky package to give to Lea on the first night. He’d been hard pushed to keep quiet as Cullen, one of the most renowned warriors in Thedas with an army of thousands under his command – a number which was growing every day - had blushed furiously when Varric had enquired, simply saying that Leaena seemed to like it. Which was an accurate assessment on Cullen’s part, judging by her delighted reaction and, subsequently, Lea almost permanently having the Commander’s cloak wrapped round her whenever they got back to camp.

Varric still struggled to reconcile the Inquisition’s Commander to the mercenary, ruthless Knight-Captain in Kirkwall. The Inquisition, and the Inquisitor, had been good for him. But Cullen had to learn to be less of the protector. He still wasn’t there yet.

And that would cause problems.

_You’d better not hurt her, Curly, even if you think you’re trying do what’s best for her. You have to trust her._

‘How are you holding up, Frosty? We’re finally done here and going home tomorrow.’ Varric looked at her questioningly.

She was quiet for a moment, still sipping her whiskey. ‘I’m really glad we are finished.’ Lea sighed. ‘I miss him Varric. I find it very difficult to cope, being so far away from him.’

_I understand. More than you realise._

He nodded, letting her talk.

‘You know, the whole world is crazy and here I am with a permanent ache in my chest, my first priority being to get to Cullen as fast as possible. To make the world not crazy so we don’t have to be apart anymore.’ She looked pensive.

‘So I sit here and eat toffee and get drunk, holding things that are his so I can pretend he’s nearer. Anything to kill the time till I can see him next. Maybe if this place wasn’t so fucking miserable I’d feel a bit better about being away. Killing things has helped a bit.’ Lea closed her eyes for a second, breathing deeply. ‘Maker, I am a miserable sod. I’m sorry.’

‘If it helps, you haven’t come across as miserable on this trip. It’s something, however, you don’t really learn to live with, Frosty, that permanent need to be with that someone.’ Varric replied quietly. ‘I wish I could give you some good news on that front. But hey, your motivation is good. So long as we do fix shit what difference does it make why you’re doing it?’

Lea looked at him, holding out toffee which he accepted. ‘That’s a good point. So long as we do solve the world’s problems who cares? I won’t ask how you know what I mean. Except it’s to do with your crossbow?’

Varric nodded. ‘Long story. I’ll tell you some other time. So long as you are ok?’

She nodded. ‘Val Royaeux was….exceptional. I realised there, and at Skyhold, that I needed to talk about things more. It’s not easy – I’ve spent my life not really talking to anyone aside from my family.’

‘I’m always here. And I won’t write about it, I promise,’ her replied, giving her a grin which she returned.

‘I was bought up to take on the mantle of something like Inquisitor,’ Lea said softly after a minute, looking at the fire. ‘But life…events…mean that sometimes I doubt my capability. I panic. I have trust issues. And I run away because I can’t face up to the problem. I’m starting to work through it but it’s not always easy. Being away from Cullen makes it doubly hard, without knowing he’s there to protect me. But I have to learn to protect myself too, cope on my own away from him.’

‘Is this the Vivienne thing?’ Varric asked. He knew what had happened – Lea had given Cullen permission to explain to the group the history. The woman had found herself completely isolated by Lea’s core group of supporters upon her arrival. No one spoke to her unless they had to, although Josephine had made efforts to try and maintain some form of cordiality for the sake of relations with Orlais. And at Lea’s request to do so.  

‘Partly. There are a couple of other incidents – when my Circle fell, and inadvertently getting caught up in one of Cadan’s smuggling things. But the root stems from that incident in Montsimmard. Maker, I can’t ignore Vivienne forever,’ Lea said in frustration.

‘We need to have it out and she can stay or fuck off. I don’t care, although Leliana says we should keep her close so we can keep an eye on her. She may be right. Either way, that woman is never coming out with me on missions. I’d sooner invite a rattlesnake to join us.’ Her face was a picture of disgust as she thought about the other enchanter for a moment.

‘Her mages were won over by Cullen being the Commander and the amount of Templars we have flocking to us, so they won’t depart with her. Besides, where would they go? That woman would have me whacked back in a Circle faster than you can say phylactery if she was in charge.’ She poured herself and Varric another drink.

‘Do you have your phylactery?’ Varric asked curiously.

‘No and it sucks.’ Lea gave a scowl of anger. ‘Mine is somewhere in the middle of nowhere, not in Denerim, as I’m one of the more powerful senior mages. I got Alistair to intervene and check for me. I want it back but I don’t even know how to start looking.’

‘Why not send Curly out for it? Surely that’s the sort of thing he can do?’ An idea was beginning to form in Varric’s mind.

‘Fuck, no, after all the trouble I’ve put him to already? I couldn’t ask about something like that. And besides, it’s a personal thing for me, not to do with the Inquisition.’ Lea’s face was horrified.

‘Frosty, it’s what people do when they love one another. You know he’d be offended if you didn’t ask,’ Varric chided.

‘Maybe,’ she sighed. ‘But I won’t. I was waiting for Trystan to return and asking him to go for me. So I will get it done. I just don’t want to bother Cullen with it.’

_And there is the problem with falling in love so fast. You jump first and find out about each other afterwards._

_Sometimes the hard, painful way. Don’t I know it._

‘What do you think of our other companions? Sera, Blackwall, Cole?’ she asked him, wanting to change the subject.

‘Sera is nuts. Good contacts though and her heart is in the right place. I think you should use her in your missions a bit more now we’re settled at Skyhold. If you don’t mind being the only mage you can take two of us and I can translate for you.’ Varric was pleased to see her smile again.

‘Blackwall – I don’t trust him. There’s something funny. I don’t know. For a Grey Warden he doesn’t look anything like a Grey Warden or talk like one. I know two of the best and whilst they won’t talk about Grey Warden business they do at least talk about being a Grey Warden a little bit more openly,’ she mused.

‘I agree – there is something not adding up. But he’s doing work with Curly isn’t he?’

‘Yes. Maybe if Cullen joins us sometime then I’ll get Blackwall to join us so he can assess it further. I wouldn’t want to go out with him on my own. I can’t put my finger on it.’  She stopped then laughed. ‘And Cole is strange. I’m glad Solas is looking after him.’

‘You don’t want him to develop some social skills?’ Varric chuckled at the bluntness of their strange companion’s assessments.

‘He’s a spirit, Varric. There are so few like him, it is a blessing really to have Cole at all. I wouldn’t want that corrupted,’ she replied gently. He took the point.

At that point, Dorian and Bull returned, quiet but looking a bit rumpled. Lea and Varric grinned at each other, pointedly not making any reference to their appearance.

_Or that fact that Sparker is suddenly really rather silent, which is unheard of._

‘I have one more favour to ask of you before we go to bed,’ Lea smiled at them all. ‘Seeing as we finished a couple of days early, please can we stop in Val Royaeux? It’s on a matter of vital importance.’

‘You won’t hear me complaining about going to civilisation, darling girl,’ Dorian replied. ‘But what is the vital importance?’

‘Shopping, Dorian, shopping. Something you surely understand. A girl needs more than one set of armour to wear all day long. I’m getting bored of magicking it clean every day.’ She popped another piece of toffee in her mouth. 

‘True,’ Dorian said. ‘How many shirts of Cullen’s did you steal anyway? The poor man is probably freezing. No shirt, no cloak. I now have a rather delightful image of him prowling the halls of Skyhold bare-chested,’ he laughed at her good-naturedly as Lea went bright pink.

‘Boss, if you’re intending on getting some of that that black armour again, get me a front row seat  for when the Commander sees you,’ Bull chuckled. ‘Ten to one he won’t be able to speak for the first five minutes.’

‘I’ll give you those odds, Tiny, but five to one it’s ten minutes – and he’s rooted to the spot,’ Varric chucked.

‘Oi, everyone! Be nice,’ Lea said, giving into laughter. ‘There’s nothing wrong with a girl wanting to look her best, is there? Indulge me in this, please. I really do need stuff. All of mine is under an avalanche. And a new staff would be good too,’ she finished, eyeing up her current one in distaste. ‘And maybe a new cloak for Cullen,’ she said belatedly.

‘Of course you need to look your best. You’re the Inquisitor. You should be dazzling your foes to death. Although outshining me is, I acknowledge, a difficult thing for anyone to achieve,’ Dorian twinkled at her, making her laugh.

‘Right then, we ride for Val Royaeux tomorrow, get the fuck out of this cursed place as fast as possible, then back to Skyhold. Well done by the way on a successful trip out here. No more fade rifts, no more Venatori. Fewer beasties and some bloody strange dwarf stuff above ground ready to be shipped back to Skyhold for further analysis. Now, if you will excuse me, I have some correspondence to catch up on before sleep.’ Lea climbed to her feet, adjusting Cullen’s cloak and picking up her drink.

‘Thanks Varric,’ she said softly with a gentle smile. ‘I feel better. And I’m sorry you have to live with this…hurt too. Let’s fix the world so we can bring an end to it.’

Varric watched her walk off to a little copse just a short distance from camp and settle down with what was bound to be another letter from Cullen. He sighed, turning back to Bianca and cleaning her once more before bed.

_I’m glad fixing the world will mean you find some peace. You and Curly deserve it. Sadly, it won’t help me one bit._

_Some pain has to be carried for a lifetime._

\-----

_Leaena,_

_Grand Cleric Iona has been dealt with, you will be pleased to hear. She shouted a bit, as they all tend to do, but gave up sulking once she remembered she had no Templars to support her. Our constant presence outside the cathedral reminded the other clerics of their position. We should hear no further dissent from this quarter._

_I’m relieved to be out of Val Royaeux and back at Skyhold, and I’ve had some rather interesting correspondence directly from Alistair. They are dealing with a Venatori problem in Denerim – agents infiltrating the castle, and he’s asked if we can help. In typical Alistair fashion, it looks like his scribe literally wrote everything he said. The letter is enclosed for your amusement._

_Would you like a trip to Denerim? I would prefer to personally oversee a direct request from a monarch to deal with this Venatori threat. And you may enjoy the break to see Alistair and Cadan again. The other good news, if you didn’t get a letter from Cadan, is that Alistair can release him to us soon. We should have more detail upon arrival at the castle._

_I’ve also had a report from troops stationed in the Hinterlands that Trystan has been sighed there quite recently, crossing back from Orlais. Leliana and I are hopeful of a more exact location soon and we can try and find out what his quest has been since leaving Haven, see if he needs any support. But I thought you would like to know he is alive and well, if somewhat elusive._

_I have managed to arrange for you to have a private space to train if you so wish. I know for your stronger spells you prefer to be out of range of the normal sparring grounds. I look forward to putting you through your paces to see if it suits your requirements._

_Remember, my lady, when we spar I fight to win. You are a prize beyond measure._

_Andraste watch over you._

_C_

She smiled, read it one more time before folding his letter up and placing it with the rest that he'd sent her during that horrendously long three weeks. 

_Now, if I don’t need new armour after that promise, when do I?_

_This time, Commander, you will be on the receiving end of my blade. And I can’t wait to enjoy my victory._

Lea was waiting in a particularly special shop in Val Royaeux for her items, having picked up certain items that she felt were absolutely necessary. The elfroot lotion, the massage oil – the orange and cedar was her favourite – moisturisers, make up.

_And a few things for fun._

It was everything to make her feel like a woman again, and a sexual one at that, rather than someone who just pointed her hand at rifts and green fire came out.

_I miss being me. I want to reclaim a part of me back._

_And having new everything is the way to go._

Lea knew she was blessed to be able to just shop and spend what she wanted. She did not draw on any of the Inquisition’s resources. Caya had already arranged accounts at all the shops in Val Royaeux and Denerim should any member of the family need them.

_Especially the ones I want. Bless my sister._

_I’d have a rather awkward time trying to explain why I’d spent Inquisition money on some of this._

Varric and Bull had gone to the tavern to wait for her whilst Dorian looked for some books. Lea had asked him to oversee the library at Skyhold and had given him a list of what she wanted, plus whatever he thought should be there. She knew most people had their own personal collections – Cullen was hoping to rebuild what had been a surprisingly good historical selection, along with all his military books – but she missed the big library at Ostwick, missed studying. She wanted to make Skyhold a centre for research.

She looked up as the assistant put her final purchase into her bag and she left.

_Being pregnant would be a very bad idea._

Lea had ways of using her magic to suppress things so pregnancy wasn’t an option, but she wanted to be safe. Firmly, she ignored any thoughts aside from ones making sure it didn’t happen in the first place, and carried on walking to the tavern where the rest of her purchases were.

Most of her new things were going to be sent to Skyhold – including replacing Cullen’s shirts and his cloak. Some was coming with her straight away. A replacement black cloak almost identical to the one she lost. Her beautiful new staff was strapped to her back, jet black entwined with silver, diamonds and sapphires spiralling the whole length, blue flames drifting upwards. She still had her daggers so she didn’t need to replace those.

Lea was wearing her latest purchase, in a colour she knew suited her. Dark, dark red leather clung to her figure, the jacket open at a V so her cleavage was just visible. Her trousers were the same perfect fit. Runes glittered again in her preferred style, up her arms and down her back. Her boots were to mid-calf, still quite chunky with buckles up the sides – she was no rogue after all so didn’t need to be stealthy - her daggers hidden in the tops of each one. Her gloves were runed as well, completing the look.

She had already taken advantage of bathing properly for the first time in three weeks, getting rid of the sand, and would just find a lake for a wash on the way. They would arrive at Skyhold in two days’ time.

_Oh and decent underwear! Thank the Maker, to be supported again!_

Slowly she was beginning to feel like herself. It was easier to take on the world looking at her best.

_Not to mention taking on a certain Commander._

_And I want to look good for him. I want him to like what he sees._

Bull whistled as she walked up to them, both he and Varric looking at her in open admiration.

‘Shit, Varric, shorten those odds on Cullen not being able to speak. Nice outfit Boss,’ Bull complimented her.

‘Thank you Bull,’ Lea smiled.

‘Yep, Curly’s not going to do well out of this latest betting round,’ Varric chuckled as he consulted his book.  

‘No he isn’t is he,’ Dorian added as he walked up. ‘Such a fabulous outfit, Lea. I might go visit the smith who made it.’

‘An old family friend who makes all our family’s armour,’ Lea said, feeling happy and excited again, better than she had done since Haven. ‘I can give you the details. He had this altered for me as a favour. I have other sets arriving later.’

She looked at the clock on the tavern wall.

‘Gentlemen, shall we?’

\--------

The last time Lea had ridden this stretch of road into Skyhold, it had just been her and Cullen, eager to see the fortress.

_This has been the longest time we’ve been apart. Since we first met._

_We will go to the lake. Before we leave for Denerim._

She saw the flag go up in the keep to indicate the Inquisitor’s party was returning. The first time she was coming back after a trip like this.

‘Oooh….’ She felt a shock shoot though her whole body as her magic and his lyrium met at light speed, shaking her in her saddle slightly.

_I am so excited to see you. I love you so very much._

‘Are you alright Boss?’ Bull asked with concern.

‘Ah..yes,’ she stuttered vaguely. ‘Just remembered something.’

It seemed they could sense each other from even further away, the connection getting stronger. Her magic was twisting and entwining around his lyrium, even at this distance, ecstatic to be back near him. Her face warmed as she felt him pull her magic as close as he could, loving her, demanding she hurry so he could see her.

‘It feels good to get back doesn’t it?’ she smiled at the others as they slowed down to cross the bridge.

‘You bet. Don’t ever take me to where there is sand ever again,’ Dorian complained.

‘And here’s me volunteering you for the first spot to the Western Approach,’ Lea laughed at the look of horror on Dorian’s face.

Lea had taken extra special care of her appearance this morning. Her hair was up in her favoured ponytail with her new leathers on and she’d indulged in a bit of make up on her eyes – just light blue shadow and kohl, as well as dipping into her moisturiser.

_I don’t want to smell like a horse. Not attractive whatsoever._

The men had all smiled knowingly but, thank Andraste, said nothing.

Finally, after what seemed like the longest ride into a keep ever, they made it.

‘Start counting,’ Varric murmured to the other two, spying Cullen standing with Josephine and Leliana to welcome them back. They chuckled, watching the Inquisitor and the Commander closely even as they waved their hellos to the others.

Lea ignored them all, her focus solely on Cullen who had walked forward slowly to meet her, also paying no attention to anyone else. His eyes were bright gold flames of fire that burned brighter as he let his eyes run up and down her body.

He threw the reins of her horse to a groom and helped her down. Her whole body vibrated with the sensation of her magic dancing with his lyrium in an attempt for them to be even closer.

_Andraste save me, you are gorgeous._

_Cullen, I missed you so very, very much. You have no idea how good it is to see you._

He didn’t remove his hands from her waist, but just kept looking at her. Lea could feel how much he wanted her, as he battled for control right there in the courtyard in front of dozens of people. But she was almost overwhelmed by his sense of relief to have her back, by how much he had missed her. She was nearly in tears, shaken by emotions she knew he could feel just as she felt him.

Shakily, Lea drew a breath as Cullen let his hands very reluctantly fall to his side.

‘Good morning, Commander,’ she said at last.

‘Good morning, Inquisitor,’ he replied softly. ‘I didn’t realise you’d stopped in Val Royaeux on your way back?’ He flicked his eyes over her once more, the flames burning even brighter.

‘I had to pick up a few….essentials,’ she replied, her tongue darting out as she bit her lip, reminding herself of what she’d bought. The overwhelming roar of his lyrium, wanting to claim her, take her away, left her breathless with want.

‘I see,’ he said, his gaze filled with lust for her. ‘Were you planning on sharing these essentials with me at all?’

‘Perhaps,’ she murmured. ‘They do require a certain amount of …….experimentation. But, as you know, practice does make perfect. Why, are you offering to help me, Commander?’

Lea felt the heat shooting up from her core across her body. Just at the way he looked at her, even before he started speaking in that warm-toffee-whiskey voice, had desire burning in her lower stomach, those butterflies dancing in anticipation.  

‘I may be able to assist, Inquisitor,’ he said, his voice rough with desire as he picked up her bags for her, his eyes having turned positively predatory. ‘Why don’t you lead the way? This may be something best discussed….indoors.’

\------

The Inquisition advisors and various companions watched in amused silence as the Inquisitor and Commander walked off without saying a word to anyone, completely oblivious to the people around them as they headed inside the main hall.

‘Curly did good,’ Varric said, breaking the silence. ‘I counted three minutes.’

‘That’s fifty silver you owe me then,’ Dorian said triumphantly.

‘Let’s see how long it takes Lea next time to actually say hello to someone else other than Cullen,’ Varric said, scribbling quickly.

‘I bet you a gold she ignores everyone for the next five trips,’ Bull shouted from underneath his horse as he fiddled with the saddle.

‘Done. I’m going to go as far as ten,’ Varric replied.

‘So I suppose we will meet later then?’ Josephine asked brightly.

‘I would assume so, yes,’ Dorian laughed. ‘I wouldn’t reschedule too early though. Maybe tomorrow.’

‘Their connection is truly remarkable,’ Leliana said in wonder. Everyone nodded in agreement. ‘Josie let’s not schedule meetings again until we hear word next time.’

Everyone filed off, relieved to be back at Skyhold for a while whilst Varric sat lost in thought. Cullen hid it superbly, but Varric had still recognised the signs of lyrium withdrawal back in Haven, even before he’d accidentally overheard Cullen speaking to Cassandra about it. He looked at his list of bets and shook his head.

‘There’s two missing,’ he said softly to himself. ‘When is he going to tell her? And how the fuck is she going to react?’


	42. A Quick Side Trip

Lea felt the heat in her body heighten with every step she took towards her quarters, feeling the energy radiating from Cullen as he was solely focussed on her. They said nothing, neither one of them daring to speak until they reached privacy.

Finally, they made it up the stairs, Lea not having a chance to even turn as Cullen dropped her bags and grabbed her by her waist, pulling her to him as he kissed her hard.

_Oh Maker, I missed the strength of you._

His kiss was ferocious, needing her, letting his tongue slide deep in her mouth, pushing her against the wall. Both of his hands had moved to hold her by her throat as he continued to relentlessly kiss her. Lea’s hands were in his hair, gripping his head tightly, pulling him to her, demanding he deepen the kiss as she relished the taste of him for the first time in three weeks.

Lea felt almost a physical shock as her magic jumped out to snare the lyrium within him, letting her feel his overwhelming need for her, to feel her, to make her his again.

She gasped as she felt Cullen lean fully against her, pressing his hard length into her lower abdomen. Repositioning herself, she quickly moved one leg between his and the other outside, pressing her core against his thigh whilst rocking slightly to give herself friction. He held his leg hard against hers with his lips on her neck, alternately kissing and gently biting her, his hands on her ass holding her in place, just as she started to move faster. With a low moan, Lea’s head tilted back, allowing him greater access to her nape and throat. 

Lea was still rocking against him, leaning in this time to return the favour, letting wet kisses and her teeth drive him beyond distraction, small moans beginning to escape her.

_I need more of you. This is not close enough._

As if he had read her mind, Cullen took one hand and undid her trousers, pushing them down before freeing himself and moving between her legs. He thrust his cock hard into her dripping wet warmth, Lea crying out at the feel of him finally inside her. He held her ass so he could fuck her harder, get as close inside her as possible.

_I still need you closer…need you….._

Lea’s arms were wound round his upper body, her head buried in his neck, almost sobbing in her mindless need for him, the smell of him, the scent of them together, feeling his heat. Her back was still up against the wall. She moved her hips in time with his thrusts, lost in the incredible sensation of his cock in her, fucking her harder and faster as he started to moan uncontrollably into her neck.

The delicious, intense pressure was building in her abdomen as Lea felt herself approaching one of the biggest orgasms of her life. She started to cry his name, hanging onto him, moving faster against his hips, the only sound in the room their need for each other, how wet he had made her, their bodies moving together perfectly in concert, lyrium and magic spinning in harmony.

_Only you……my Templar……._

_There will only ever be you….my mage….irresistable...._

Lea’s orgasm was so intense she couldn’t make any noise. Her head hung back with her mouth open in a soundless scream, her whole body convulsing as she hung on for dear life to Cullen, letting the heat of her release explode through her. Only a few moments later, feeling her contracting around him, Cullen came high inside her, shuddering, moaning softly, still moving slowly within her, not wanting to leave her as she felt his cock throbbing deep inside her.

She couldn’t stand, couldn’t focus. It was only because Cullen had a hold of her so tight she hadn’t fallen down the stairs. He was kissing her neck, whispering how much he loved her, had missed her, needed to be with her. Somewhere in her mind she registered that he had withdrawn but was still holding onto her.

Her head was resting on his shoulder and she nuzzled his neck, kissing him gently, breathing in the smell of him, still enjoying the aftershocks of her orgasm, whispering ‘I love you’ to him over and over. He picked her up then and carried her to the bed, not letting go of her as he came to lie behind her, holding her tight as he stroked her hair.

‘Welcome home, Inquisitor,’ he whispered softly.

Lea stretched and turned towards him, a smile on her face as she reached up to touch his face. She let her fingers drift over every angle of his firm jaw, memorised the harsh feel of his stubble, before reaching both hands up and pulling him to her for a languid kiss.

‘You can do that any time you like, Commander,’ she replied, still smiling. ‘Don’t feel you have to save it for when I return.’

_He’s actually in front of me. Right here. My magic is humming happily because he’s near._

_We just had mind-blowingly good sex. Cullen is definitely not a figment of my imagination._

‘Oh I won’t, my lady. I have plans for you,’ he said smiling at her as well with a promise in his eyes that sent a slow burn starting in her abdomen. ‘I’m only sorry I didn’t get you out of all your clothes so I could feel all of you. Although that said,’ he said, reaching down to pull up her new black silk thong, ‘I like these especially.’

‘You can look later,’ she replied then laughed. ‘Did I really just walk off and ignore an entire courtyard of people?’

‘We both did,’ Cullen replied, his eyes laughing. ‘But I think they will forgive us.’

‘You know they were running bets on it? Bastards,’ she chuckled then sighed. ‘This is really rather decadent of us. To be lying around half-naked in the Inquisitor’s bedroom in the middle of the day.’

‘Fuck it,’ he replied as he kissed her nose. ‘I missed you and I needed you. That takes precedence.’

Lea laughed and rolled over to hug him before regretfully sitting up. Shaking a bit as she stood on her feet, she sensed Cullen’s masculine pride at having made her so unsteady. She turned and stuck her tongue out at him as she did herself back up, realising he’d already done the same.

‘So,’ he said, leaning back on the bed and slowly letting his gaze slide over her body, ‘are we back to paralysing enemies?’

Lea gave him a sweet smile as she fixed her hair. ‘Why, Commander? Worried I might win?’

‘Absolutely,’ was his immediate response. ‘You’ve only increased your strength and power since you have been with the Inquisition, Leaena.’ Standing up, he moved forward to hold her. ‘It has been a privilege to watch you grow,’ he said softly, Lea blushing with pleasure at his compliment.  

‘Right,’ she said slightly unsteadily. ‘You are far too much of a distraction, Commander Rutherford. Tell me about Denerim. Shall we just sod it and leave early tomorrow?’

_Home is where you are, Cullen. It’s so good to be back._

\-------

As Leaena had requested, they had set off at dawn for the overnight trip to Denerim, both of them delighted to just be travelling with each other.  The roads were clear and patrolled by both Inquisition and Ferelden soldiers so there was no need for a heavy armed presence.

Neither of them were particularly worried about dealing with the problem in Denerim – Leaena was fairly sure the fight would be a short one, but she felt it important for the Inquisition to show its full support to the Ferelden throne.

‘After all,’ she’d said to the room full of advisors and companions, ‘we’re going to have to send a parade of us to the Winter Palace by the sounds of things. Alistair and Celene are both targets of a Venatori attack.’

They had enjoyed a relaxed day today, swapping stories of their childhood, tales of life in the Circle, or just enjoying the silence of the forests as they came further into the Hinterlands. It was this that inspired him to take her on the short detour to the lake.

The idea was to get past Redcliffe and stop somewhere along Lake Calenhad before heading onto Denerim the next day along the West Road.

He hadn’t felt so well in a long time. Her magic was curled up next to whatever remained of his lyrium, resonating quietly inside him, letting him feel Leaena’s happiness and relaxation.

_And her love. That is the best emotion of them all._

It was remarkable to go through a whole day with no headaches, no shaking, no nausea.

_No desperate, unquenchable thirst._

_No cravings, clawing deep in my stomach, burning my veins._

The sun was beginning to set and Cullen expected them to reach their destination soon. He looked over at Leaena, who was looking up to see if she could spot the first stars, as she always did when she was out on missions.

He’d done nothing but look at her all day.

_She takes my breath away._

Leaena was wearing her travelling armour. Cullen was grateful in a way because he’d probably have walked his horse off a cliff whilst gawping at her if she wore her new set. Not that Lea looked any less lovely – just that outfit was a bit looser. By a little bit.

The day she’d arrived back in Skyhold, and he’d seen her in that deep red leather……she was the embodiment of all his fantasies rolled into one. As she slid into his arms, it had taken every vestige of control to not throw her over his shoulder and run to the nearest place where he could make her his all over again. As it was, they barely managed to make it up the stairs to her apartments before having some of the best sex he’d ever had.

_Except every time is the best._

They’d somehow gotten through the rest of the afternoon. Well, he hadn’t looked at anyone else for the whole day, had barely said a word. The moment they’d gone back to her rooms they’d spent the night in bed, making love, talking and just about managing to get some sleep.

And now she was here, with him, and they had spent the whole day together, just being Cullen and Leaena.

‘Here’s our camping spot,’ Cullen called. They both dismounted, he taking their horses and she starting to set up the camp. The prickle of her magic told him she’d lit the fire. As he turned to head back, he saw there were little globes of light hanging around the fire and Lea was busy setting something up.

Leaena stood triumphantly. ‘There! That works perfectly,’ she smiled brilliantly at him, making Cullen feel like he’d just been punched in the stomach, so much did he need her.

He looked down to see what she’d done and his lips curved into a smile as he went to put his arms around her.

‘Chess?’

‘I know!’ she said excitedly. ‘I found this small set in Val Royaeux which is perfect for travelling. Dorian mentioned that you and he had started to have a few games before we left for the Hissing Wastes, so I thought I would get a set so we can play – I thought you might enjoy it. I never seem to be in one place long enough to play at Skyhold,’ she finished somewhat wistfully.

Cullen kissed her on the nose. ‘Then we shall play whilst we enjoy our supper. It’s a beautiful evening and a perfect night for chess. Thank you.’

Leaena smiled at him again, whilst he felt her contentment flowing through her magic to his lyrium.

Sitting down before he got completely distracted, he saw she’d set up the board and was now laying out some food and drink. He noticed the toffee and the whiskey, a small memory tickling in his head but dismissed it.

‘I didn’t realise you were into such hard spirits, my lady,’ he teased as she poured herself a glass.

‘I do like it, honestly. Care for a small drop?’

‘Why not?’ Cullen replied as he examined the label. ‘This one is particularly good. You have fine taste, my lady Inquisitor.’

‘I do don’t I, Commander,’ Leaena looked at him up and down slowly and then laughed, reaching over to give him a kiss as he blushed.

‘Anyway tell me,’ she continued, ‘who is the best? You, or Dorian? He fancies himself quite the master.’

‘He accused me of sassing him, swore blind he was going to win, then promptly lost our last game,’ Cullen chuckled at the memory.

‘I wish I could have seen that,’ she said, mirth in her voice. ‘Now, let me just set this up properly.’

Cullen watched her as she carefully arranged the pieces. ‘As a child I would play with my sister,’ he said, suddenly remembering. ‘She would get this stuck up grin whenever she won – which was all the time. My brother and I practiced together for weeks. The look on her face the day I finally won…’ he tailed off.

Leaena had finished and was watching him. ‘Carry on. I don’t hear you talk about your family enough, Cullen. You must miss them.’

Cullen was quiet for a moment.

_Duty over love. Duty over family._

The Order was unforgiving when demanding dedication.  

‘Between serving the Templars and the Inquisition, I haven’t seen them for years. I wonder if she still plays.’ He looked at the board as he made his first move.

‘You mentioned before you had a brother and two sisters. Are they all still in South Reach?’ Leaena asked, moving her piece.

‘Yes, they moved after the Blight. I should really write more than I do.’ He frowned, considering his next move.

Leaena laughed. ‘Don’t worry, you’re not the only one. Maybe it’s just brothers and sons. Mother has exactly the same complaints about Trystan and Cadan. Particularly Trystan when he’s out of Ostwick. Do they make you swear to never put quill to parchment when you take your Templar vows?’

‘Of course not. It’s just.... duty and time…’ he broke off, not having meant to be so defensive. He felt her reach for his lyrium, reassuring, loving as he rubbed the back of his neck. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound so grouchy. It is my fault for not being in touch more. Your move, my lady.’

She pulled her knees together and rested her chin on top, toying with her mug, considering the board. ‘It’s aright. I think I understand. The Order doesn’t allow for any leeway. Or it certainly didn’t.’  

Leaena looked up at him suddenly, curiosity in her eyes. ‘You know one thing we haven’t really discussed is what should happen to the Templars once this is over. I know we have a long way to go before we can take Corypheus down, but we should start to consider this kind of thing now.’ She gave a light laugh. ‘I am working on the premise that we win, of course. There. Your move.’

_Here we go. This is my perfect opening for telling her._

‘Naturally,’ he said with a small smile for her, before considering her words.

‘I respect the Templars that serve even though that is not my life any more. We have had many join our ranks and, for all that some of the rebel mages are still agitating against their presence, Templars do serve a vital purpose. Most of the mages are comfortable with their presence now they are not confined in a Circle. I don’t think they should be disbanded at all.’ He paused to drink and move his piece. ‘Your move.’

‘No,’ Leaena agreed, turning her sapphire blue eyes on him. ‘All that training going to waste? I need look no further than the Templars of my acquaintance to see that as a foolhardy idea. What would you suggest the solutions to be? My caveat being that the Circles as we knew them will no longer be in existence and Templars cannot be allowed to abuse their power and trust as they did in the past.’

‘I don’t think many want to go back to the way things were before on either side,’ Cullen said with a sigh. ‘There have to be opportunities to work outside the Circle. Mixed military units? Healer clinics with Templar support?’

‘No one wants to go back to the way things were before unless you are a certain bitch whore called Vivienne,’ Leaena spat.

Cullen felt her magic surge in her old panic as he tried to calm her down. He reached out for her with one hand. ‘Are you alright?’

Leaena smiled as she picked up his hand and kissed it. ‘Yes actually. Surprisingly. Sorry for my outburst - that was ill timed. I think your ideas are very good, actually. I mean, when we fight we fight in such concert together. I can’t believe there isn’t something to explore here in terms of joint working. And I’m not a fabulous healer but there is potential there too. It’s about making magic less….scary. More accessible. More normal, really.’

Cullen nodded his head in agreement.

_Just say it and be done!_

‘There must be a safer way for Templars to leave too,’ he began hesitantly. ‘Lyrium….Templars can lose their memories to lyrium. Some call it a gift, to forget the failed Harrowings, the demons.’ He tailed off as he looked at the fire.

‘Some atrocities haunt me still. But to lose what good I can recall? To forget you?’ he said, his pain in his voice as he leaned over to touch her face. ‘I nearly lost my mind once. At the other end of this lake. Maker, it is no gift at all.’

Wordlessly, Leaena stood and pulled him to his feet before kissing him. Soon the kiss deepened, neither one of them interested in their game, needing to feel one another, to reassure, protect, love. To heal.

As Cullen was about to fall asleep, much later on, Leaena sleeping in his arms, his last thought was that, yet again, he’d not told her. 

\-------

‘Alistair!’ Leaena hissed at him. ‘I really do think you should be elsewhere. Or are you more like your dear departed brother than you realise? You are the King!’

The King of Ferelden merely beamed at her before silently drawing his sword. Cullen and Cadan were trying very hard not to laugh.

He and Leaena had arrived two days previously, Leaena delighted to see her twin again, who was also hugely relieved to see her in one piece. Alistair had demanded all the details of Haven and Corypheus. ‘Someone wiped Haven off the map. My map.’ he’d said in annoyance.

‘Well get them Alistair,’ Leaena had said. ‘With pointy swords and everything.’

‘Do you promise?’ he’d replied with a quick smile.

And now the King of Ferelden had determined he was going to join in the battle which Leaena hadn’t anticipated.

‘Lea, really, this is Alistair. He’s a Grey Warden too and former Templar, don’t forget.’ Cadan was getting impatient to finish off what should be a short battle.

Leaena sighed, admitting defeat as she pulled her staff into her hands. ‘Alright. But we follow Cullen’s lead. Understood? No heroics Your Majesty! Freya would never forgive me.’

‘Of course not. I’ve had enough of that for one lifetime thank you very much.’

Silently, they all padded down to the kitchens where Leliana’s agents had identified the cultist activity. They had decided to go in as a small group rather than send in guards to limit casualties and disruption. The guard was on standby, ready to move in if necessary.

Cullen silently motioned for them to stop as he and Leaena both searched for magical activity. As they looked through the open gateway to the kitchen whist they stood in shadow, they saw around fifteen cultists. He indicated four mages, which they’d agreed he would Silence first.

He’d even done some practice with his abilities on his own earlier – things still seemed to work as they did before.

Cullen crept forward. With a swift movement of his fist, he Silenced the first mage, as Leaena raised a barrier to protect them all. He quickly Silenced the other three as Alistair and Cadan had moved in already to take them down. Leaena was sending bolt after bolt, battering down their defences whilst casting a wall of ice to give them a bit of time. The fight was on.

He vaguely felt her behind him, more sensing her as they were again back to back just as in Val Royaeux. She was letting him know her next move and he hers, enabling her to give him advance warning of the enemies to his sides and back. Alistair and Cadan were fully occupied with the mages, which left the rest of the room for them.

He wasn’t worried about the numbers – Leaena was casting barrier after barrier to rebuff the magical attacks, freezing anyone who came too near, enabling him to hack and shatter them with his sword and shield. As a thrust cut too closely whilst he was finishing one opponent, she swiftly threw her dagger at his assailant, killing him outright.

‘Come on, Commander, let’s see if you can keep up,’ she taunted, her eyes blazing with her magic as she sent a shock of lightning towards three advancing Venatori on his right. ‘To quote Dorian,’ she said, laughter in her voice, ‘I could do this all day!’

Quick as a beat, he spun round, knocking dead a would be assassin away from her path as he rolled and blocked another attacker from her left. ‘Try and catch me now, my lady Inquisitor,’ he retorted as he engaged a particularly zealous Venatori rogue. ‘I do believe that’s five to your four.’

Suddenly Alistair and Cadan were there, finishing off the last two assassins. The fight was over almost as soon as it had started.

‘Well!’ Alistair said cheerfully, ‘that was bracing! A pitched battle with evil mages disguised as kitchen servants, fireballs flying, swords flashing….quite like old times.’

‘Bloody marvellous,’ Leaena said excitedly. ‘Cullen, it just shows there must be some mileage in your idea. Mages and Templars should fight together so much more. That was perfect!’

_You are the perfect one, my lady. Maker, I love you so much._

He could feel she was doing her utmost to restrain herself, particularly in front of her brother, when all she wanted to do was get him back to their quarters. Fast.

‘That’s an interesting idea,’ Alistair said. ‘I must see what Freya thinks when shes’s back. Did I mention she’s going to be on her way home soon? Right then, let’s get someone to clear this mess up. And remind me to never eat anything from this kitchen ever again!’

\-------

With much reluctance, Leaena and Cullen took their leave from Denerim unexpectedly later that day. She had wanted to stay longer, but messages from Leliana indicated that the operation to close the rest of the red lyrium nodes off was now able to take place. She had to leave for the Storm Coast in three days. She and Cullen rode through the night to give her enough time to prepare. 

Cadan was to join them at Skyhold in two weeks as the Ferelden liaison to the Inquisition. 

As they thundered through the gates of the fortress, the only thing on Cullen's mind was how to tell her before she left.

_Forgive me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A small bit of gratuitous Alistair for you. I loved those letters on the war table!


	43. Escape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short mention of torture at the start.

It sat open on his desk, tempting, controlling - the figurine of Andraste on the inside completely contrary to what the lyrium kit represented.

Leaena was leaving in half an hour. Cullen had realised that when she left, the call of the lyrium and the urge to take it was ten times as strong. It felt like his veins were on fire, every single vessel in him desperate to just have a drop of lyrium, his body screaming in pain at being denied.

_Maker’s Breath, will this headache ever go away?_

He’d had another nightmare last night, Freya-demon stalking him yet again. But this time he was back outside the Harrowing Chamber in Kinloch Hold, listening to the shrieks of anguish and terror coming from the Templars and mages alike. They were being tortured, their bodies and souls warped as they were forced into becoming demons or dying a slow, agonising death in the process.

_I……don’t……I don’t…….want to remember!_

He’d been forced to watch, helplessly, as Leaena had been dragged by her hair, naked, bleeding from a split lip, claw marks all over her. She was gagged, her beautiful eyes screaming their pain at him.

‘Here’s your pretty little mage, Templar,’ the thing that had Freya’s face and form hissed at him, dragging her upright by her hair and dangling her in front of him. ‘Such fun we will have with her, wielding the brand.’

Leaena had writhed in fear and desperation at the mention of being made Tranquil in a futile attempt to try and escape, her eyes begging him to help, to come and save her as he always did.

_I can’t help you!_

‘Or maybe we’ll bind a demon to her,’ Freya-demon carried on in her virulent tone. ‘This one is strong. Imagine what we could summon through her. Shall I come and show her to you afterwards, Cullen? Show you what a beautiful demon I summoned for you through her?’

_I tried to banish the demon and wake up….I tried….._

Leaena was dragged by her hair, eyes wide open in a soundless wail, her whole body convulsing as she frantically fought to escape.

If he thought the screaming was bad before, it was a hundred times worse when her voice was added, high-pitched, mindless in its terror. He sat there, helpless, frantic to save her, unable to do anything but feel her screams reverberate around his body.

Fortunately, he had sat bolt upright in bed at that point, woken up by his own shouts of horror before staggering out onto Leaena’s balcony and vomiting several times.

Cullen stood up at his desk, leaning forward, stomach churning at the memory of the nightmare.

_If I brace myself like this no one will see me shake._

_She saved me. Again. Focus on Leaena, not the demon._

He didn’t remember much after he woke. Her soft voice, soothing him, letting him feel her magic, gently winding around his lyrium, reassuring him, telling him how much she loved him, how it would all be alright.

She’d led him back to bed, holding him, his head and upper body in her lap as she started to massage his shoulders and neck before working down his back, her voice still softly talking to him, cool hands on his feverish skin relaxing him. Leaena told him some story about her and Cadan when they were little – something to do with a sandcastle. She was trying to do anything she could to calm the tremors that racked his body.

It worked eventually. He had fallen asleep again to a mercifully dreamless sleep.

_And now here I am. Staring at what used to chain me. What still tries to entrap me._

Cullen could feel her approaching his office rapidly, having felt the spike of his agony.

_Maker, I have made a mess of this. Why did I even bother trying to hide anything from her?_

_She is going to be hurt. I will have broken her trust. Which I do not deserve anyway._

‘Cullen!’ Leaena gasped. He could feel her love, her concern for him.

He looked at her heavily, his breathing laboured.

‘As leader of the Inquisition, you….’ Cullen sighed. ‘There’s something I must tell you.’

Leaena said nothing, concern still evident within her. She waited for him to speak.

He looked down at his lyrium kit, the one given to him after he completed his vigil all those years ago. ‘We both know why Templars use lyrium. Its dangers. You know all too well how it is used to control Templars. When it’s cut off, some go mad, others die.’

_I can’t look at her. I can’t look at the disappointment in her eyes._

‘We’ve got reliable sources of lyrium here for our Templars. But I….no longer take it.’

_Oh Maker, I am so sorry to cause you pain._

Leaena hadn’t moved, frozen to the spot. Cullen could feel the riot of emotions that were rolling off her, that she was unable to hide from him. Confusion, anger, fear, worry, love. Two main feelings warred for dominance. Overwhelming pride in him for his decision. Overwhelming hurt that he hadn’t trusted her enough to tell her.

Hurt won. He felt her fight to control her reaction, failing. Hating herself for it.   

‘Since when?’ she whispered.

_I still can’t look at her. To see the anguish in her eyes._

‘Since I joined the Inquisition. It’s been months now.’

He almost couldn’t bear the second wave of hurt that radiated from her when she heard how long he had stopped for. And not told her.

_Not trusted her._

‘But…why?’ she asked, her voice so quiet he could barely hear her.

‘After what happened in Kirkwall. I…..couldn’t. I will not be bound to that life, or the Order, any longer.’

He looked at her then, finally, as he felt a rush of fierce pride from her on his last words, rapidly submerged by her pain once more.

_Please don’t be sad. Maker, I am the biggest fool in Thedas, for not being honest earlier._

Leaena had inadvertently drawn her magic to her, as she did when she was distressed. Her eyes were huge in her face, ice cold shards of frosty blue filled with unshed tears, her lovely features impassive. She had retreated behind her ice-cold shell to cope.

‘Cullen…..’ she started to say and stopped as another wave of pain hit him. ‘You could die…..’

Desperately he tried to reassure her, her magic seeking him out against her will, unable to stop it from winding around his senses. He saw her take an involuntary step back, trying to put some distance between them. That alone made him wince inside.

_Leaena has never wanted distance from me before._

‘I haven’t died yet. And I won’t,’ he replied quietly.

‘Why didn’t you tell me before?’ she whispered.

_Don’t you trust me? Like I trust you?_

He could see her unspoken words written in her face, her eyes cold as she tried to freeze out her emotions, to stop the pain

This was the question he’d been dreading.

‘I…we were so busy….I didn’t….I didn’t want you to worry. You are out there risking your life every day. I didn’t want you…..Maker take it, I didn’t want you to be worried for me. And risk losing you…..’

He couldn’t continue. Leaena stood, visibly trembling, unable to move or speak.

Cullen knew she was despising herself for her reaction, losing control and slowly disintegrating into a familiar spiral of self-loathing. And for the first time there was nothing he could do about it.

‘This…’ she whispered, stammering. ‘Fuck. This is not….about me. I am trying to make it not about me. You. You are suffering. Your nightmares? Lyrium withdrawal?’

He exhaled slowly, trying to find the right words.

_There are no right words at this exact moment in time._

‘Partly.’ He paused, needing to be formal for just one moment. ‘I would never put the Inquisition at risk.’

It seemed to help, except that blanket of ice she used to drape around herself was now firmly back in place. And directed at him. ‘That had never entered my mind, Commander. I don’t see why this should interfere with your duties.’

‘I have asked Cassandra to....watch me. If my ability to lead is compromised, I will be relieved of duty. The Inquisition’s army must always take priority. Should anything happen….I will defer to Cassandra’s judgement.’

‘I respect the Seeker’s insight into this matter, Commander, but remember the ultimate decision lies with me.’ Her voice cracked like an icy whip. ‘I expect to be involved in the future as to any concerns you have with regards your fitness to lead our armies. Currently I have no issues with your leadership.’

He nodded, saying nothing. She was right, after all. Besides, no matter how much she tried to hide underneath her frosty mantle, she couldn’t hide her true emotions from him. She was hurting very badly because he hadn’t told her, terrified for him, frightened with no idea what to do next, horrified at her reaction, wanting to support him. She couldn't manage her hurt, nor her instinctive reaction to flee.

Her voice broke on her next words, her icy mantle slipping. ‘I think…I think you are setting a fine example. You are very brave, Cullen. Are you in pain?’

_I have hurt you, I can feel how badly I’ve hurt you, turning something that should have been easy to share into a huge deal for fuck all of a reason, and yet you are still trying to make me feel better?_

‘I can endure it. Whatever the suffering, I accept it.’ There was nothing else he could do, after all. It was either that or take lyrium again.

‘Leaena – I’m so sorry. I should have told you from the beginning. It has become a far bigger deal than it should have been.’

Tears that she had been battling now started to slowly fall, big crystals from her eyes. ‘My reaction is ridiculous. But I can’t control it. All this time, all the conversations we had, how close we are. Yet you said nothing. I understand you were trying to protect me. But that doesn’t matter. And now I am so hurt I am finding it hard to breathe.’

‘Cullen, stopping taking lyrium is a big fucking deal. You can’t pretend it isn’t. And you never told me. I feel like you don’t trust me enough. Airheaded, impulsive, angry, impatient Inquisitor who can’t cope with anything at all. Let’s shelter her from all the big important things. You all did. Someone should have told me. I am the Inquisitor. All or nothing. And right now it looks like nothing.’ Pausing to wipe her eyes furiously, she was getting angry with herself for becoming so emotional.

_Maker, no, that’s not what I meant!_

_But that’s exactly what you did do._

‘I want to help you. I want to support you. I think you are doing an amazing thing. But you have to let me. Aren’t we a partnership?’ Leaena paused suddenly as something struck her.

‘I have…’ her voice shook, ‘….I have no idea what it means for our connection. For the way I can sense you, the way my magic is always singing to you. The rush when I feel your lyrium near me. Quite frankly, it breaks my heart that we may lose that in the future.’ Her eyes were even brighter now as she continued to unconsciously draw even more power in as she walked towards him.

‘But, for you to be free?’ she finished softly. ‘For you to not succumb to lyrium madness? To call your life your own? I would gladly pay any price to ensure that happens. This connection does not make the man. You will still be you.’

She broke off, her tears still slowly falling, so close to him he could smell her scent, uniquely Leaena. And he couldn’t reach out for her which was causing him actual physical discomfort, not being able to draw her into his arms.

There they stood, two people in love, in pain, unable to articulate anything properly, to find the words to make it all better. The strength of their feelings were overriding any potential of rational conversation, engulfing them in their own maelstrom. The connection between them was flowing so intensely it was becoming almost unbearable.

A bell rang, signalling the Inquisition party was ready to depart. Cullen felt her press her lips against his softly, trying not to stumble at the power that flowed from her magic towards him, filled with all the emotion she had pent up – love, fear, anger, pride, sadness, anxiety, fear. It washed through him, doubling what he already felt himself.

‘Andraste watch over you, Cullen,’ she whispered. Then she was gone.

\------

Two weeks had gone by since Leaena had set off for the Storm Coast. They were already delayed on their return by three days.

_Two long weeks of flashbacks, nightmares, nausea, shaking and headaches._

_I miss her so much. And she didn't take my cloak like she usually does._

Cullen also missed their correspondence. Aside from the most perfunctory of reports, he’d had no word from her at all. He hadn’t dared, after everything that she had said. Every word of it true. He’d hidden from her a fundamental aspect of his life and deserved the reaction he had received as a result.

There had been so much intensity between them it was almost impossible to have any normal conversation. As he felt the distance between them stretch, then finally cut off, he felt cold inside. It hadn’t helped him think things through either, having the space. He would need to make it up to her somehow.

Suddenly, he heard a rush of feet and Leliana burst into his room.

‘Cullen!’ she gasped. ‘The Inquisitor…’

Cullen’s heart froze in his chest, unable to speak as Leliana handed him a note.

_Curly,_

_She’s gone. She went overnight, disappeared. I have my suspicions that she’s on a boat over to the Free Marches but I’m not sure where. We can’t rule out Venatori but that doesn’t feel right to me. Frosty was distraught most of the trip, hiding it for the most part but getting sicker and sicker whilst we were here. I don’t think she slept for eight days straight, just burning through her magic, never letting it go. The red lyrium shit didn’t help either. She was vomiting every time we came out of the caves. We cleared the Storm Coast, but it has come at a high price._

_We are searching still and I’m waiting to hear back from my contacts, but her brother is a smugger after all. If she doesn’t want to be found, she won’t be found._

_If that’s the case, I have one word for you. Phylactery. Hers is still out there - she told me._

_Find her, fix whatever happened between you both and bring her back to us._

_Varric_

Cullen had turned to stone.

_I should never have let her go in that state, Inquisitor or no._

Leliana looked at him anxiously. ‘Cullen? What can we do?’

He looked at her, focusing again. ‘You wait here for word. Get Josephine to sweet talk Cadan into whatever he may know. I am fairly sure of where she is, but Varric is right – I need her phylactery so I don't waste time. It will be in a cache somewhere distant, not Denerim. Once I know I can book passage for Ostwick. I head to Val Royaeux first.’

‘Leliana,’ he said urgently. ‘don’t blame her. This is my doing.’

‘I know Cullen,’ Leliana said gently. ‘That’s why you need to make it better. Just because she struggles sometimes doesn’t make her unfit to be Inquisitor. Something you might want to think about. Now, get a move on.’

He barely registered Leliana leaving as he threw his things in a bag, calling to a runner to have his horse ready for him immediately. Satisfied he was ready to go, he strapped his shield on his back and checked his sword, when something caught his eye.

Cullen moved over to his desk, opening a small drawer. Slowly, he drew out four vials, glowing blue in the morning sunlight, weighing them in his hand, thinking for a moment, then his decision was made. He slipped them into a special pocket in his bag, then ran down to the courtyard.

_Whatever it takes. I am so sorry, my love. This is all my fault. I will find you._


	44. Hunter

‘She didn't ask me for passage to Tevinter, Leliana. Why would I question my sister? I trust her. Unlike some of you in the Inquisition.’

Cadan stood, arms folded in the war room along with Leliana, Josephine, Varric, Solas and Cassandra, furious that his sister was missing. They had all arrived the day after Cullen left and were trying to piece together what happened.

‘Cadan, that is not going to help us right now,’ Josephine said softly.

He sighed, nodding his head. ‘You are right. My apologies.’

‘That’s alright. We’re all under a great deal of stress at the moment.’ Leliana scribbled something down and stuck her head outside the door. ‘There. That should reach Cullen in Val Royaeux in good time. It will help narrow down the search. It may take him a day or two to find what he’s looking for.’

‘Is he getting her phylactery?’ Cadan asked to which Josephine nodded. ‘Good. About time that got destroyed. Caya is checking the Trevelyan accounts with merchants to see if she has drawn on our family’s funds whilst she’s been away.’

‘Let’s go over one more time what she was like – her state of mind.’ Leliana looked at the group.

‘She was refusing to sleep,’ Solas said. ‘She was holding huge amounts of magic to herself day after day. Lea has a tendency to do that when she is stressed. It is a comfort to her, after what she went through. I tried to intervene but she was having none of it. She said her nightmares were too difficult to deal with.’

‘It was like dealing with an iceberg,’ Varric said sadly. ‘I have not seen her like that before.’

‘It is how she coped in the Circle,’ Cadan said quietly. ‘She freezes everyone out. Literally. It is her way of dealing with situations she finds unbearable. Lea almost becomes a different person. You can’t reach her unless you are a family member.’

‘Or Cullen,’ Leliana said softly. Cadan nodded, clearly frustrated at not being able to help.

‘Yes, she was that way when we went to meet Vivienne. I fear for her if she is in the same condition she was in when we arrived,’ Cassandra looked worried. ‘She left detailed instructions on Inquisition activity for the next month too. They are quite....frantic. But no explanation as to why. She’s been thinking about doing this.’

‘Andraste preserve us, I hope Cullen brings her back in a week! We cannot afford to have her gone for so long,’ Josephine fretted.

‘She is hurt,’ Leliana said softly. ‘And trying to heal, but with such huge pressure on her shoulders. It cannot be easy. We need to allow her a bit of time, otherwise our Inquisitor will break. Fortunately we have a while before we need to see to Celene.’

‘So is Cullen going after her really the best thing?’ Cassandra asked.

‘I can’t believe you just asked that Seeker. Did you want to be the one to stop him?’ Varric pointed out. ‘I would pay money to watch that exchange.’

‘True,’ Cassandra conceded. ‘I was just…never mind.’

‘I’m also worried that she got splashed with some red lyrium shards,’ Varric reminded everyone. ‘Even a small amount of that stuff sends people to the Veil in quick time. If she had too much exposure she could be experiencing some side effects. Curly needs to look for that as well. All she can do is ride it out till the effects wear off.’

Leliana nodded, looked out of the window. ‘Varric, don’t put out a call to your contacts please, nor your family, Cadan. Leave this to Cullen. We don’t want to scare her. She has gone there for a reason. The red lyrium may well have exacerbated her responses to everything.’

She paused for a moment, deciding what to share. ‘What I tell you now goes no further. Cullen never talks about it, with good reason, and I wish to respect his privacy. But you must understand - if anyone can help her, it is him. And not just because of what they share. Because he’s been there. He understands.’

She stopped and looked at them all. ‘Freya Amell, King Alistair and I rescued him. Along with her enormous Marabi. When Kinloch Hold fell during the Blight to blood mages. They were Grey Wardens at the time. Cullen was a junior Templar at the Circle there. I will say no more. But trust me when I tell you that there is no better person to do this than him. Cullen is quite possibly stronger than anyone I know. He will figure this out.’

Leliana looked at the map on the wall again. ‘But why Kirkwall?’

\-------

Cullen made it to Val Royaeux in a day, riding overnight and changing horses frequently, such was his urgency to find Leaena and make sure she was safe. There was only one place he could look to start his search for her phylactery and that was in the Chantry archives. He just hoped it hadn’t been destroyed when the White Spire was attacked.

It was an eerie experience riding to the White Spire with no Templar presence in evidence. Or any mages. There were, of course, the clerics preserving the archives, but only a handful. No one challenged him.

_I would have liked to see them try._

_Thank the Maker!_

The paper archives were still in perfect order, even despite the chaos. He located the room he needed quite quickly, deep in the depths of the White Spire, remembering its location from previous visits. Phylactery information was normally held under strict guard, with Templars minding this particular room, access restricted to only Knight-Captain or above. Now it was empty of people, the door left open, made irrelevant by the destruction of so many phylacteries.

_Leaena is one of the unfortunate ones. Her phylactery is isolated somewhere in a wilderness because of her strength._

Cullen intended to change that for her. He walked in, looking at the rows and rows of records all sorted by Circle. Quickly finding Ostwick, he used his old Knight-Commander seal to gain access to the records he needed whilst dispelling the ward that was in place. It clicked in the lock perfectly and slid open, allowing him to pull out the file within.

_I kept it as a memento. I never thought I’d actually need it._

His heart in his mouth, he looked for the year Leanea would have entered the Circle, rapidly scanning for her name among hundreds.

_Got you! Maker…..the irony…_

Her phylactery was in the Storm Coast. Taking her record, he put it safely away and ran back out to his horse.

Cullen headed to the Inquisition headquarters in the city, where transport was rapidly arranged for him to depart in the next hour, along with messages from Skyhold. He wrote back saying he’d found the information he needed and was headed to the Storm Coast.

_I must buy Josephine a thank you present. That was ridiculously easy._

As he flicked through the various reports and notes, he saw Leliana’s scrawl on the front of one. With details of the last place he was expecting her to be.

_Kirkwall! Why Kirkwall?_

\------

_Maker’s Breath this is a miserable place._

Cullen had arrived earlier in the Storm Coast, and was now finally near the approximate area where Leaena’s phylactery was located. He would recognise her signature anywhere, but was concerned he didn’t have sufficient amounts of lyrium left in his blood to locate something as small as her phylactery, buried deep underground as it would be.

_And warded as well. I will need to dispel those._

He’d been searching, seeking, in the same way he looked for her when he knew she was due to arrive. The four lyrium potions he had in his bag were weighing heavily on him.

_Andraste save me, I don’t want to take them._

_Leaena wouldn’t like it if I did either._

He’d decided to persevere for another hour. The one thing in his favour was the strength of the call between the two of them. Cullen hoped he’d be able to locate the cache quickly.

He’d not slept on the boat, which was currently sitting waiting for him to finish and take him to Kirkwall. He’d had two days of continual travel without a rest. Every time he’d closed his eyes to try and sleep, he saw Leaena in his nightmare being dragged off to the Harrowing Chamber to be made Tranquil, her body bloodied and battered.

On top of that, the continual use of his abilities for the last two hours was draining him quickly and Cullen had to admit he was tiring. Although he didn’t notice any significant difference from his days when he took lyrium. He wondered if it had something to do with that special link he and Leaena shared. It was almost as if it were two independent entities in each of their bodies every time they met. He knew he only had limited control of it sometimes.

He sighed. His allocated hour was nearly up. His horse was weary as well – there had been some areas where he’d had to dismount and climb up himself, looking. The terrain here was challenging, to say the least. He and his horse were on a scrubby bank now, making their way up to a cliff overlooking the shore.

Cullen had been so focussed on getting to Leaena and her phylactery he hadn’t even considered the implications of taking lyrium again. All the excruciating withdrawal symptoms he went through the first time round would be repeated.

_I couldn’t get out of bed for a week. Shaking, sweating, vomiting. Nightmares. Hallucinations. I thought I was in Kinloch Hold for a full day._

_Does it matter? When she could be anywhere?_

No, it didn’t. He would go through it all again to find her.

Cullen’s hand was itching to go into that side pocket and take one of the vials out. His blood knew it was there and was voraciously demanding more of the blue liquid. He was beginning to tremble with the need to taste it.

_Five more minutes._

Rubbing the back of his neck, taking a deep breath, he saw a copse of trees just off to the left that was on the edge of his search zone. Cullen was feeling desperate now, not wanting to take the lyrium, not wanting to lose her, wanting to take the lyrium.

He froze suddenly.

_Leaena?_

The whisper of her signature was calling to him. Cullen broke into a run towards the trees he’d spotted earlier, the feel of her magic getting stronger.

There. Right under that tree. Cullen dropped his bag on the floor and retrieved a small hand shovel, digging frantically for ten minutes. The caches were, understandably, deep.

His shovel hit the metal box with a satisfying thud, as he rapidly cleared away the rest of the soil. Feeling the wards around the silver box, he removed them, using his Knight-Commander seal again to open the box.

_Leaena……_

Her blood was singing from the phylactery, glowing very lightly, happy to see him. Even this small amount – her magic recognised him.

_She is alive. Thank the Maker._

Cullen put the phylactery on a chain round his neck, letting the vial sit directly on his skin. It sang to him permanently, as if she was just round the corner.

_And when you truly are round the corner then your blood will glow brighter for me._

_I miss you so much, my lady._

Kicking his horse into a gallop as soon as he could, Cullen headed back to the boat.

_Back to Kirkwall. The Maker has a strange sense of humour._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note. I always found it strange that, given what happened in DA:O and the amount of people who must have had and/or Leliana and Alistair in their party, the lack of acknowledgement of that was a bit odd. Or maybe they just chose to ignore it? But Leliana and Cullen as advisors? Was there something somewhere that covered what the relationships were? Maybe it's just me!


	45. Just Visiting

_I’ve never been here before. I didn’t envisage my first trip being like this._

Lea had only arrived a day ago, making the crew wait in the smuggler’s cove until she knew her companions had left. She didn’t want anyone to know where she was going. She was terrified she’d get found out. Ridiculed.

_My head is so sore._

Lea needed solitude, not to explain herself to ten different people as to why she needed to take some time off. They almost always tried to have a week or so between missions – depending on what time pressures they had. Lea had seen this as her break away.

_I just don’t want to tell anyone about it. This goes beyond personal._

_And hey, I left a note._

She hadn’t eaten for days, and when she did grab the odd hour of sleep, it was full of nightmares. The Brand hovering by her forehead.

_That is an old one. Boring now._

_My, it’s such fun to have new nightmares._

Cullen executing mages for nothing more than minor misdemeanours. Cullen accusing her of being a blood mage and putting his sword straight through her heart. Cullen wielding the brand on her, accusing her of being at risk of becoming an abomination.

The ruthless Knight-Captain of Kirkwall had become very much alive in her head again.

_And I don’t even understand why._

_Because he doesn’t trust me._

_Am I not taking that a step too far?_

Lea shook her head, feeling confused. Her brain wasn’t functioning normally. It hadn’t been since she left Skyhold but now, she felt like she was in overdrive. She hadn’t been able to sleep much for days on end.

The red lyrium had done horrible things to her again as they systematically smashed their way node through node, wiping out the Red Templar presence in the process. Some had also landed on her the day before they finished.

Unfortunately, it had taken its toll – her ability to cope already unbalanced. The conversation she had with Cullen before she left was stuck in a loop in her head that she couldn’t turn off.

_I am in awe of his strength. I’m so proud of him._

_But he made me hurt like I’ve never hurt before._

Because she had trusted him and, for one reason or another, he hadn’t returned that trust. And she couldn’t get past it, although she wanted to.

_He deserved it. He should have told you. How much can you trust him now?_

That was why she was in Kirkwall. To get past it. She shook her head again, battling the thoughts she had.

_I am the one with the problem, not him. He’s being so fucking brave. And there I am carping like a fishwife. All he wanted to do was protect me._

_So? It suited him to keep quiet. Just like it would on so many other things too._

The black wall had loomed from miles away, Lea feeling small as her vessel went through to dock. It sets the feel for the city. Hard, uncompromising. It was so different to Ostwick.  

She couldn’t get to the Gallows, red lyrium having taken over much of the fortress.

_I don’t want to be near that stuff again. Maker, I feel sick._

_I miss him so much._

_I love him._

_He’s still a Templar. They never change._

_Stupid girl. Did you really think you could have that fantasy come real? He’d kill you without hesitation if he thought he needed to._

Slowly, she climbed the steps into Kirkwall, noticing how organised the Guard were in a city that still reeked of chaos. She handed her documents she carried everywhere with her to an official, naming her an Inquisition agent, able to move through the city freely.

_Josephine works miracles._

_Aveline. That was her name. One of Nathalie’s closest friends._

She had slowly made her way to the part of Hightown that survived the blast, sitting in the gardens, enjoying the beauty of the weather. It was so different to Skyhold. Hot, humid and sunny. Then she’d spent the night in a corner of the Hanged Man.

_Varric recommended it. I see why it is his type of place. Kind of grimy._

No one had bothered her which was good. Her head had turned into a war zone. Cullen loved her. Cullen hated mages. Cullen hated her. It went on and on.

She had to hide her appearance in case someone recognised her. But a lone mage with her head in a hood was not such an uncommon occurrence these days. 

Lea hadn’t let go of her magic for over a week now. Maybe even longer. She was clinging onto it so tightly but she’d forgotten why.

Even though it was warm, Lea shivered, hiding further into the hood of her cloak.

_I miss his cloak. The smell of him._

_I miss him._

_Why? He’s using you. Just as all Templars use mages._

_Why? Why can’t you just fuck off and get out of my head? Where did you come from anyway?_

As she looked out over the sea, she couldn’t even begin to explain the compulsion that made her come to Kirkwall of all places.

_Yes you do._

_So, Lea, you ditched being Inquisitor for a while for what? Sit on a park bench in Kirkwall?_

_I can’t do that right now._

_Why not? Coward. Run away again. That’s all you ever do._

_But they don’t need you. They only want to keep you alive to close rifts. You’re worthless to them otherwise._

_You need to fight him. Before he fights you. And wins. Kills you._

_‘No.’_ She shook her head, frustrated. That wasn’t it.

She was tired. Her head really hurt.

As if of their own accord, her feet took her to the sealed off entrance to the Gallows fortress. The hurt was still there, almost overwhelming her, leaving her struggling to breathe. She looked at the imposing, grim entrance that had signalled death and imprisonment to so many hundreds of mages.

Now devoid of the Templars who turned on Nathalie. They had gone to Corypheus. The few mages that were left were free, now Inquisition allies.

_The irony. After all that. And a certain poetic justice._

_He fought in there. Battled for what was right. Don’t forget that._

She stood outside the Gallows for what felt like an age.

_He’s still a Templar. He still did all these things. Branded mages for nothing. Blindly following orders given by that crazy bitch. Killed them._

_You can see them all, can’t you? One by one, slaughtered in the Right of Annulment._

_Just like he would have slaughtered you if you had been there._

_Nathalie said he stopped it from being so much worse._

_And he stopped taking lyrium._

_He still thinks like one of them. How could you forget? Templars equal danger. And, fool that you are, you walked right into it._

This time, she suddenly found herself stood outside the road towards ruined Chantry, still in the process of being fixed. She couldn’t get that close to the actual site. So much of Kirkwall had been devastated by the blast.

_How did I get here?_

_But this is where it all began._

‘Oh!’

_Cullen? How? Why would you want to find me so fast?_

_Where are you going to take me?_

_Why are you here?_

_All I wanted was some time to think. Just for a couple of days._

_I think I’m tired. I’m so fed up of feeling sick_.

As Lea stood there in confusion as to how he had found her so quickly, she felt the usual shock of her magic meeting his lyrium, acting as an elixir for her as her magic joyfully sang, calling him near. She couldn’t control its dance, couldn’t stop Cullen from sensing everything she was feeling, excitement that he was here, scared that he was here, not understanding why he was here. Love for him, worry for him, hurt because of him. Frightened he was going to take her away.

Fear. Always the fear that he would hunt her down one day and execute her.

_Maker, I missed you._

She felt him quietly approach, just like that long time ago by the frozen lake, before any of this had started. Waiting for her till she was ready. Sensing her turmoil. He was exhausted, worried, so happy to see her, needing to know she was alright. In love with her.

Lea closed her eyes, a sudden feeling of overwhelming terror engulfing her, that the Templar behind her had come hunting. Everything faded away. There was no Cullen, just the sense of foreign lyrium and those abilities that would cut her off from the Fade, leaving her defenceless.

She thought she was going to vomit, desperately shaking her head as the lyrium snaked through her, comforting, warm, reassuring.

_Familiar. Not threatening._

_He’s a Templar. He’s going to kill you. How could you be so fucking dumb to fall in love with one of them?_

_I don’t fucking care! Right now I’d be happier dead if it got rid of you! Just fuck off and leave me alone!_

Lea wanted to shout and rage at that voice that had done nothing but spew vitriol and hate at her for the last week. With the last vestiges of her energy she pushed it away, focusing on the very real and wonderful sensation of having Cullen near her again, reassuring her, calming her down. 

She pushed her hood back, feeling the sun on her face for the first time in days, closing her eyes and breathing slowly. She then turned round, to meet the last person she’d expected to see here, of all places.

But maybe this was meant to be.

\-----

Her phylactery had started to glow even whilst on the approach to Kirkwall, a sure fire sign that she was there. And how powerful she was.

_I hate sea travel._

It had, mercifully, been a fast crossing, the weather remaining calm. Cullen waited impatiently to dock, wanting to quickly check for any updates from Skyhold before finding Leaena. The ever-organised Josephine had an outpost here too. He pulled up the hood on his cloak and wound a scarf round his face, just leaving his eyes visible, leaving his shield and just taking his sword.

_Maker, the last thing I want to do is engage in idle conversation with people who know me._

The city was still in the grip of chaos, everyone too involved in their own business to notice another man with a blade. It was easy for him to blend in as he made his way to the small discreet office in Hightown.

_Aveline remains as efficient as ever, of course._

He felt surprisingly little about being back as he took his documents from the guard, then raced his way through the familiar streets. His sole focus was finding Leaena and understanding why she had come to Kirkwall, and then leaving with her as soon as he could.

He made it to the office, the helpful clerk handing him the correspondence he wanted. Seeing the report he had been hoping for, Cullen quickly scanned it, nodding his head at what Leliana suggested. It was what he’d had in mind when he’d first heard Leaena had gone. He then realised there was a note from Varric at the bottom.

_Curly,_

_I think it’s red lyrium. The day before last, we had a tricky node that blew up in her face. I’m not sure she cleared it off herself properly and she was already struggling before then. Even the tiniest of shards as you well know messes with you. If she is affected all you can do is take her somewhere quiet till it wears off. Her paranoia will be intense, particularly as she was upset before we got there, so the fewer people around the better. But she should get better. We aren’t talking a Meredith here. Watch for nightmares._

_Take care of her._

_Varric_

Cullen stared at the note, his heart sinking, memories returning.

_Red lyrium. Fuck._

She had gone, in her emotional state, to destroy red lyrium nodes and been exposed to some of its poison.

Her head must be spinning. Even if she was reaching the tail end of her exposure, she would still be feeling very unwell indeed.

_Not to mention how things were left with us._

Leaena was incredibly vulnerable right now. He hoped she hadn’t gone too near the Gallows.

_Well then, you know what to do, don’t you?_

He dashed a note back to Leliana and Cadan, telling them of his success and his intention, before hastily returning outside. He held her phylactery in his hand, marvelling at the beauty of its glow as it lit up the closer he tracked her down. His senses were still reaching out, wanting to feel her.

_There you are!_

He did his usual slight stagger as he felt her magic meet his lyrium with…relief almost, knowing everything he needed to know in that instant. His heart went cold.

_Oh, Maker._

His Inquisitor was not at all well; her aura tinged very slightly with red, seeping into her blue.

She reacted in her usual way at first, delight at his being there, but then a burst of extreme paranoia suddenly filtered through, fear, terror, anxiety, hunted…

He saw her now, standing outside the ruins that led the way to where the Chantry had been. There was no one else around. She was a solitary figure in the morning sunlight, her black cloak pulled tight around her and – Andraste help him, enough magic to pull a building down if she so wanted. Leaena was beyond exhausted, but going back to her default behaviour of holding her magic when she was insecure.

_She is beyond insecure right now. She’s paranoid beyond belief….oh Holy Andraste…._

_She thinks I’m hunting her as an apostate! What has that shit done to her?_

Cullen pushed his hood back and took off his scarf. He stood and waited for her to turn around, letting her feel him, his intentions, his love for her, how he would never hurt her. Gradually he felt her respond, those intense waves of fear that he would take her away, kill her, slowly reducing.

Finally she turned, pushing her hood back.

_Fuck, Leaena, how did I let this happen to  you?!_

Cullen was appalled. Black circles bruised her eyes from the lack of sleep. She was holding in so much magic her eyes were practically white. Her face was gaunt – she’d clearly not eaten properly - and she didn’t have any excess fat to spare in the first place. Her skin had lost all its lustre, all its colour. Her eyes were burning, but with a white fire he hadn’t seen before that disturbed him greatly.

‘Cullen,’ she said softly, her voice thin with tiredness. ‘What are you doing here?’

He paused, reaching for her magic to reassure her, let his lyrium warm her. He felt an ever so slight relaxation in her hold on her magic.

‘I came to see you, Leaena. I love you and I miss you.’ He said simply.

‘I miss you too,’ she whispered. ‘Cullen?’

‘Yes, my lady?’

‘My head doesn’t feel very good.’

‘I’m sorry,’ he replied quietly. ‘Can I do anything to help?’

‘Shall we sit down somewhere? I could do with sitting down.’

‘That sounds like a good idea. Why don’t you lead the way?’ He wanted to let her feel she was in control, particularly as she could lash out with magic at any point.

They walked away from the rubble of the Chantry, back into Hightown. She saw a garden terrace where there was a bench overlooking the sea. Saying nothing, she made her way over and gestured for him to join her.

They sat quietly side by side, Cullen continually reassuring her, comforting her through their connection, winding her magic as close to him as possible. Steadily, she began to relax, letting go of some of the huge amounts of magic she’d been pulling to her.

‘I got the idea on the way to the Storm Coast. It’s not a difficult crossing at this time of year to the Free Marches so I didn’t think I would be very long. I was going to do it properly, not run away. I….’ she had difficulty speaking, breathing slowly to calm herself down.

‘I wanted to understand,’ she said quietly. ‘I mean, I still do. I was very unfair to you in Skyhold. I’m so sorry. You must be struggling so much and yet to carry on normally as you do….I am in awe. So I just wanted to come here on my own for a couple of days to know what it was that happened to you. To visually see a tiny part of the journey you had from a young Knight-Captain, to Knight-Commander, to my Commander.’

_My lady, I should be apologising to you. I will later._

He said nothing, just kept reassuring her quietly. She was slowly releasing more magic, bringing it back to a healthier level, her paranoia reducing as she felt his lyrium flowing around her magic, feeling his intentions were nothing more than to keep her safe.

‘Kirkwall is where it all happened. This journey that we are all on, even though many of us weren’t here – it’s because of that explosion behind us. But even without that, it was such a huge part of your life. You came here hating mages and left wanting to be a different person.'

She sighed. ‘I only wanted to get to know you a bit better. So I can get past that irrational reaction of hurt I had. And I didn’t want to explain to anyone. Because this is personal to you and me. And maybe a bit odd. I sound like a stalker!’ Leaena stopped to rub her eyes.

‘It just helps me to see places, to better visualise, to empathise. And you know, it was where the mage rebellion started. I wanted to see that too. But then shit got weird in my brain. I….had – am having, nightmares that I haven’t had before…there’s a voice always arguing every thought, saying……I’m rambling. I’m sorry,’ she said, hanging her head.

‘Do you want to tell me what those voices say, what those nightmares are?’ Cullen asked her gently. She had relaxed even further, to the point where, when he looked at her eyes, they were now a pale blue, the white fire having died down to embers.

_Thank the Maker._

‘I dream of you,’ she said hollowly. ‘You are a Templar again in my Circle. You have the brand you’re about to use on me. Then you think I am maleficar so you slay me. Then I see all these hundreds of mages and you systematically killing them one by one. For having done nothing more than be a mage. So I…I decided to not sleep. It started in the Storm Coast. Then I had to get away. I had to leave. I was….sore after our conversation. I wasn’t sleeping well already anyway. I feel so paranoid.’

‘Then it got worse. It was all the time, during the day. The Inquisition doesn’t need me. I am worthless aside from my Mark. You….you were going to kill me, wanted to hunt me down, declare me apostate just so you could have the thrill of capturing me and killing me. That you can’t be trusted….you don’t love me…..it’s permanently there….’ she tailed off, her head in her hands, frantically rubbing her temples.

_To my shame, that was once the way I thought._

_Which is why I am now trying to atone._

Her voice broke. ‘Does any of that make sense? I’m so tired I am not sure what to think any more. I feel so sick. But I can’t eat. And if you’re here that means I’ve caused a huge fuss. That wasn’t my intention. Oh Maker, I’ve caused everyone so much trouble!’ she wailed in desperation.

Cullen reached out and stroked her hair from her face, immediately feeling her respond to his touch, feeling her magic warm, her relax her magic slightly more.

_This is as much my responsibility, my lady. I should have been more open with you about my life from the start._

‘Leaena, you are sick from the red lyrium exposure,’ Cullen said, taking her hand. ‘There is just a hint of red in your aura but that is more than enough to make you very ill. That’s what has sent you sneaking off in the middle of the night with smugglers on a paranoid journey to a broken city. Your reasons for coming here, though, are still valid. So don’t doubt yourself.’

‘Red lyrium?’ she queried, mainly to herself. ‘That would make sense. One node shattered all over my face and I found tiny tiny shards back at camp down the front of my armour. It was on the last day. But I didn’t think anything of it.’

‘Did you try to get to the Gallows?’ Cullen asked urgently.

‘I went to the entrance. I got….overwhelmed by thoughts. The next thing I knew I was here.’ She shivered slightly.

‘I think we’ve just found the reason for your paranoia and nightmares,’ he said, smiling at her.

_Maker, it is good to see you, my lady. Even though I never want to see you in this state again._

_You are, at least, sounding more rational._

‘Would you like to go and get some rest now?’ he asked.

‘Sleep is going to elude me for some time, Cullen. I…..I don’t want to risk it yet.’ Her voice had dropped to a whisper.

_She’s afraid to sleep. Oh my beautiful lady, I am so sorry._

_I know that feeling only too well._

‘I have a suggestion for you in that case. Seeing as you came all this way. How about we have a tour of my favourite spots in the city on the way back to the docks and I tell you a little bit about my life here? We shall just be Cullen and Leaena, casual visitors, hoods up so no one recognises us. And you can visit the Inquisition office too, see what Josephine has set up here. We can’t leave until tonight anyway as the tide is not favourable.’

‘That sounds wonderful,’ she smiled shyly. ‘I am so sorry for the worry I’ve caused. I feel so stupid.’

‘What have I told you, my lady?’ he said mock sternly, dropping a kiss on her nose. ‘Never apologise. And, I even have some potions from your favourite elf that should help.’ He reached into his bag to pass her one of his lyrium vials, then gave her the bottles from Solas.

‘Thank you,’ Leaena replied gratefully. ‘You don’t mind my drinking this in front of you?’

_Why did I not tell you sooner? Why was I so worried?_

‘Not at all. So long as I can’t smell the lyrium it is bearable.’

Leaena leaned over to him and kissed his cheek softly. ‘I never said this at Skyhold, but I am so very proud of you for doing what you’re doing, Cullen. I will support you in any way I can.’

‘Thank you,’ he replied quietly. ‘You make everything easier for me just by being here.’ He watched with relief as, the more she drank, her colour returned. She blushed furiously at his compliment.

_But she doesn’t mind. I can feel how much she missed me._

_I know, I missed you so much too._

‘Really, how does he managed to blend them so perfectly? You are right, Solas is my favourite elf for his brewing skills alone. I feel that working already. Mine are never so fine no matter how I grind the herbs. Alchemy is one of my weaknesses,’ she mused, putting the empty bottles in her pack before reaching for the lyrium, quickly drinking it to get it out of his way.

‘Cullen…’ she said slowly as she looked at the potion she’d just finished. ‘These are Templar vials. How did you find me?’

_And here’s the present I have been waiting to give you._

_The one thing that should remove the last traces of your in-built fear that allowed the paranoia to thrive._

‘Well, your brother was most obliging in directing us to Kirkwall once he heard you’d disappeared without trace. So that made things a hundred times more straightforward.’ He had to laugh at her expression.

‘I’m going to kill him,’ she muttered.

Cullen had meanwhile reached for the piece of paper and took the chain from his neck. ‘I thought you might be interested in having these back,’ he said softly.

Leaena’s eyes went very wide and a deep blue as she took them, her shaking now apparent. ‘You did this? For me?’ she said incredulously. She gripped her phylactery tight as she read her record. ‘The fucking Storm Coast? Are you kidding?’

She had unconsciously let her magic pull him even closer together. The feel of them winding round each other, her overwhelming gratitude, the residual terror she had of her phylactery - it made him thankful the whole situation had arisen just to give him the excuse to find it for her.

‘This is a mage’s greatest fear,’ she said, her voice shaking. ‘That chain that ties them, which a Templar can use to end their life at any point. Our own blood, used against us. There could be no escape. We were bound to the Circle by our phylacteries even more than Templars were bound by lyrium. I often wonder whether that was truly Andraste’s vision. I can’t believe it to be so.’

She laughed, slightly bitterly as she held up the phylactery to the light. ‘And the biggest irony of all? This is blood magic, right here. Practiced by Templars. The very thing they are supposed to prevent.’

‘When we change the world, Commander, we will be sure to eliminate abuses such as phylacteries and lyrium addiction. Never again should people be compelled in such a manner. It goes against everything Andraste teaches.’ Leaena gripped her phylactery again, looking back again at the sea.

‘I think we can arrange that for you, my lady Inquisitor,’ he said quietly.

She nodded. ‘I will hold you to that.’

‘Cullen,’ she said softly, after a pause. ‘Keep this safe for me? Until we can destroy it properly?’

He smiled his assent as she lifted it over his head and tucked the vial next to his chest.

‘It’s somewhat gruesome, carrying a bit of my blood around, but you are far better at looking after that sort of thing than me,’ she sighed with a rueful smile. ‘I’d end up smashing it by accident somewhere.’

Then a thought occurred to her as Leaena looked at him again, fear for him in her eyes. ‘You didn’t need….not for…’

‘No, thank the Maker. I did come close. The coordinates were a bit off.’ He grimaced at the hike he’d had to do. ‘But once I was in the right area it was immediate, our connection. Not as strong, but there. Taking lyrium would have been a waste of time as well – it wouldn’t have helped me find your phylactery any faster. But if I needed to take lyrium to find you then I would.’

‘No, don’t say that,’ Leaena said, horrified. ‘I couldn’t bear it. You’ve come so far….’

‘Leaena,’ Cullen said quietly, holding a finger to her lips. ‘Have you not realised yet that I would do anything to keep you safe? I would rather go through the withdrawal again than lose you. I would do it again because I love you.’

Her eyes, finally glowing their usual sparkling sapphire blue, filled with tears as she drew Cullen’s face to hers and gave him a deep, lingering kiss.

_This is what I have been searching for._

_You complete me, my lady Inquisitor._

_\---------_

Cullen couldn’t remember a day when he’d enjoyed Kirkwall more. He hadn’t wanted to push Leaena too much, given the red lyrium in her system, but she was determined to have a good look around.

They had headed to the Inquisition office first, Cullen keen to get word to Skyhold that Leaena was safe. He arranged for all their correspondence to go down to the boat so he could work, as well as see if there was anything he could take off Leaena’s shoulders. She had sat scribbling some instructions for the Chargers - as well as a particularly angry note to Cadan judging by the force of her quill against the parchment as she signed off.

‘Kirkwall and Ostwick never got on Circle-wise so I never had an opportunity to visit,’ she said as they made their way round the Hightown bazaar. She was enveloped in his cloak, hood up whilst he had arranged for a lighter cloak more suited to the weather to be bought round, also keeping his hood up but leaving his face uncovered this time.

_Leaena also has a very firm grip on my hand. Not that I am complaining._

_I would never have imagined walking around Kirkwall for simple enjoyment, holding hands with the woman I love._

It was a novel experience for him.

‘I remember Meredith ranting about your Knight-Commander. Calling her weak,’ Cullen said with a look of distaste at the memory before seeing something she might like.

‘Here,’ he said as they approached a seller. ‘These are delicious and might even tempt your appetite back. It’s just a spiced apple tart but they are the best I’ve ever tasted.’

She smiled her thanks before taking a bite of the local speciality. ‘Oh Maker, that is good,’ she said with pleasure. ‘Can we get some more and take them with us for when we sail?’

Cullen was relieved to see the colour had returned to her cheeks and her magic was completely relaxed. He sensed she still struggled with waves of paranoia, as well as exhaustion, but that she was able to control it better was a good sign. His lyrium remained wound tightly around her magic, calling to her, soothing her.

‘After we would finish on patrol it would be someone’s job to come and collect a few of these,’ he replied, smiling at the memory as he ordered more to be delivered to their boat. ‘Something to look forward to at the end of a boring route. Aveline kicked the Guard into shape so there wasn’t that much for us to do. Although, once Hawke arrived things were never really that boring. She set the city on a collision course for change that it badly needed.’

They had walked to the edge of the market to enjoy the rest of their food.

‘So much took place whilst you were here didn’t it?’ Leaena said with interest. ‘Things do seem to happen around you, Cullen.’

‘I’d rather they didn’t, believe me,’ he laughed. ‘During my time here the Qunari occupied and then attacked the city, the Viscount’s murder caused political unrest, relations between mages and Templars fell apart, an apostate blew up the Chantry and the Knight-Commander went mad….I can do without living through all that again.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Leaena said quietly. ‘This was a bad idea of mine. We can go back if you want?’

‘No, not at all,’ Cullen replied quickly, reassuring her as he felt her paranoia escalate, let her feel he didn’t mind, his lyrium warming her magic. ‘I didn’t mean it badly. It is helping me to remember. Helping me to talk about it. Besides, I am at the market with a beautiful woman on a fine sunny day, enjoying one of my favourite treats. What’s to not like about that?’

_There is a lot I would do to have you smile at me like that again, my lady._

_Ill or not, you are, and always will be, the loveliest thing I’ve ever seen._

‘Come,’ he said, taking her hand. ‘There are a couple of other spots here I can show you before we make our way back. I used to go there to escape the tension of the Gallows.’

‘Oh that is a splendid view isn’t it.’ Leaena admired the quiet corner as they reached it, surrounded by flowers, a bit blocked away from the path, with an uninterrupted view out over the Waking Sea.

‘I needed to escape quite frequently, to have my own space,’ Cullen replied. ‘The Gallows was not a place that I would call restful. I....needed the respite. I fear I made few friends here. I was so focused on what I thought was my duty.’ he ended softly.

_Today I’m dealing with Kirkwall. I’ll think about Ferelden another time._

‘Being a leader is a lonely role. Being a leader under someone like Meredith Stannard, where your charges all uniformly hate you, must have been isolating in the extreme.’ Leaena said quietly.

He nodded, but didn’t reply.

‘It’s funny you made that comment about Meredith earlier. Did you know that Ostwick’s First Enchanter and Knight-Commander were lovers?’ she asked, still looking out to sea.

‘Really? No! There was never any hint of that.’ Cullen was astounded.

She nodded. ‘It’s why Ostwick was the Circle it was. We were far more tolerant than any other I’ve come across, even Denerim with Alistair and Freya’s influence.’

‘Don’t get me wrong, they were totally discreet and you would never have guessed. But they had been together for over twenty years.’ She said sadly. ‘They were both good people, and close to my father and mother too. I only found out because Father let it slip one night.’

Leaena turned, smiled at him and kissed him gently. ‘They gave me hope for you and I. That Templars and mages could make it work. Even under the most unforgiving circumstances such as what you’ve described. Could the divisions between us have been any greater? Yet here we are.’

Cullen pulled her to him so Leaena could lean back. He put his arms round her waist, taking pleasure in the weight of her body against his whilst he rested his chin on her head, remembering all the times he’d come here looking for solace.

_I searched for peace for ten years in Kirkwall. And I’ve only just now found it._

Her voice went distant as she thought back. ‘That’s why Meredith was so dismissive of our Circle, because we didn’t start on the assumption magic was bad. We actually tried working together rather than fighting each other. She was so rude about our Knight-Commander’s style.’

She chuckled. ‘There were still some deeply unpleasant Templars, they got the brand out and they hunted apostates, but to the mages in the Circle? On the whole we were treated well. It’s so, well, fascinating - from a historical perspective - to come here and see the result of what happens when our leaders get it so wrong. The separation, so physically apparent. That explosion was….impressive.’

‘The only thing comparable is what happened at the Conclave,’ Cullen replied quietly.

‘Do you want to talk about it, or leave it?’ Leaena asked, not wanting to push him too far.

_I try not to think about that night._

_Perhaps I should._

He told her the whole story as they slowly made their way back to the docks. Anders consumed by the spirit Justice, blowing up the Chantry. Hawke stuck between a rock and a hard place, hating Meredith, wanting to help her fellow mages, but hating blood magic more. Executing Anders. The Rite of Annulment. Orsino driven to blood magic to battle the Templars. The whole city at war. Again.

‘And Meredith with that fucking red lyrium sword,’ Cullen swore softly as he reached the end of his tale. ‘She was insane. The look in her eyes when I told her to stand down is not something I’ll forget in a hurry. And, well, you know the rest.’

Leaena was quiet, absorbing all he had said about that fateful night.

‘You have been through so much,’ she said shakily, looking up at him. ‘And yet here you are still. Few could say the same. I am in such admiration of your strength and determination, did you know that? You are a good man, Cullen.’

_Your words mean more to me than you’ll ever realise._

He kissed her and pulled her to him, holding her close, his senses reaching out for her magic, needing to feel her.

‘Where are we?’ she asked after a while. ‘What is this place?’

He hadn’t even realised where they were.

‘What was the Qunari Compound. Our boat is just moored over there.’

Cullen grinned at her. ‘Now, if you are a very good Inquisitor and get straight to bed, I promise to tell you a bedtime story of how Kirkwall repelled a Qunari invasion.’

She smiled at him, happy and tired. ‘That sounds like an excellent idea, Commander. I feel better but I don’t want to overdo it.’

They walked onto their boat and prepared to leave Kirkwall.

\-------

She lay fast asleep on the bunk, tucked up in his cloak as he held her hand, trying to do some work whilst on this rolling nightmare of a seagoing contraption.

Leaena had offered to help him with his nausea and he’d accepted, ignoring the prickles of magic as they sank through his body. Now at least he could breathe and think.

_I just can’t walk anywhere._

It didn’t matter. Cullen had given the captain the details of their next destination. They would arrive in just a few hours.

_Thank the Maker. Then we can both take some time out to get better._

He sat, reading for a while, waiting to feel tired enough to sleep. It had been an interesting day in Kirkwall. To go back and see it through Leaena’s eyes.

_I still didn’t tell her everything. What I was. How I became that person._

_There is time. For now, she is safe._

He closed his eyes and started to relax, feeling her magic resting in its usual hum whilst she slept….

_Oh no. Andraste save me. Varric warned of this!_

_Leaena, no, no, no…._

_I don’t want to do this to you!_

Leaena’s screams suddenly cut through the air as she sat bolt upright in the bunk, eyes wild, unseeing, not responding to anything Cullen said or did as she pulled a huge amount of magic to herself all at once.

_Fuck! I have no choice!_

_I’m so sorry, my love._

_It will be over soon. Forgive me._

Cullen held her fast against him as she thrashed, clawing at him. He cast one Purge after another, frantically trying to drain her of her magic as she tried to cast time and time again. Finally, having exhausted most of her mana, he Silenced her. He didn't want to give her magic a chance to regenerate. She suddenly went limp and comatose in his arms, the movement so unexpected he lost his grip on her and she crashed to the floor.

_She is breathing. Just._

_Maker watch over her please!_

He put her unmoving form on the bunk, tucking her in again before grabbing another Solas potion and tipping it down her throat. 

_He said it was for emergencies. This counts._

Cullen could barely feel her magic as he'd drained so much from her. He could also tell she wouldn't be able to try and cast any time soon. He felt sick at what he'd just had to do and was just praying he'd done enough to contain her as he held her hand once more, counting down the hours till they arrived at their destination.

_Please don't make me do that again. I love you, I don't want to hurt you._

_Hold on for me, my lady Inquisitor._   

 


	46. Home

_I never envisaged visiting here in such a fashion._

_Maker, I am tired._

Cullen had not slept last night. How could he when Leaena was at risk of possession, at risk of burning the whole vessel down?

He’d had to Silence her once more as the effects of his last one wore off. It felt like a violation of her trust. Even though he’d had no choice. He didn’t even bother waiting for her to cast; as soon as he felt that wild pull inside of him again he Silenced her. He was too exhausted for anything else.

The one benefit was that any sea-based Marcher estate always had a small dock. He’d carried Leaena off the boat in his arms, still unconscious from his Silence and Solas’ potion, and was now walking towards the rear entrance.

_They are almost identical!_

‘Welcome, Commander Rutherford,’ Lady Caya Trevelyan called to him as he reached the hall. ‘Please, follow me. We will skip the pleasantries until my sister is settled.’

As if it were perfectly normal for men to walk off boats carrying unconscious women.

‘Thank you, Lady Trevelyan,’ Cullen replied, not registering anything around him until he knew Leaena was safe.

Climbing up a set of stairs, he was led down a corridor to an elegant suite of rooms with a view straight out to sea. He laid Leaena down on the bed gently, unclasping his cloak and tucking her up in it again.

_It made a difference before, so I hope it will now._

Standing, he looked across to Leaena’s older sister who seemed a bit in shock.

‘By the Maker, what happened to her?’ she asked, her voice full of worry just as Cullen sensed another Templar walk into the room.

‘Commander,’ Knight-Captain Iminric Eremon, Lady Trevelyan’s husband, greeted him. ‘It is a pity we are not meeting under happier circumstances.’

_Remember to stay formal. Even though they probably know._

'Knight-Captain,’ Cullen shook the other man’s hand. ‘It has been many years but it is good to see you again. I am grateful to you both for your quick response to my letter. Inquisitor Trevelyan has somehow ingested a small amount of red lyrium and is now trying to get better. I have had to Silence her twice as well as utilise some dispels. She is losing control of her magic in her sleep as she is attacked by nightmares.’

They both paled at that statement. ‘But how did she even get near the stuff?’ Caya asked.

‘We have made it a priority to remove red lyrium nodes where we have reports of them,’ he replied. The Inquisitor was completing a week long session of clearing out an area in the Storm Coast when a node exploded in her face. We are talking trace amounts that she breathed or swallowed, but even that can be enough to disrupt a mage.’

Iminric nodded. ‘I can see the very faint hints in her aura.’

‘It was worse yesterday so she is, at least improving. The problems come at night. She refused to sleep for days but she needs to rest. Her nightmares are so powerful she cannot differentiate between reality and dream.’ He sighed as he ran a hand through his hair and rubbed the back of his neck, feeling the horror at having to Silence her again.

‘I did not want to Silence her but that was the only option, as well as draining her magic. Out there on the sea, I had no choice…..’ Cullen tailed off, frustrated that he couldn’t help her more.

_There must have been something more, something else I could have done._

‘Commander,’ Caya said firmly. ‘You are exhausted and need to rest. Iminric will guard her whilst you sleep. You are no use to my sister if you get unwell.’

He nodded, loath to leave her but knowing she was at least going to be safe. Thanking the other man, Cullen followed Leaena’s sister to a room adjacent to where she lay.

‘Thank you, Lady Trevelyan.’ He was close enough to hear her if she needed him. He could still sense her, her magic faint, at rest.

‘Please, call me Caya - if you don’t mind me calling you Cullen?’ She asked. ‘We do not stand on formality here.’

_Even her voice is similar. But not as musical._

_I miss listening to you my lady, please wake up soon._

‘Of course,’ he replied.

‘I shall leave you to it. Do come back down when you are ready. I will arrange for both of your belongings to be transferred to the house. Do you require lyrium?’

_Let’s just be honest now, Cullen. There is nothing to hide._

‘You are very kind. But I no longer take lyrium. Thank you once again.’ Cullen saw the look of surprise in her eyes as he started to relax a bit, knowing Leaena would be cared for.

‘She is my sister. And you are both in love. That is all I need to know.’ Caya smiled gently as she left him to rest, closing the door with a quiet click.

Pulling off his boots, he lay down on the bed fully dressed. He was too exhausted to think of anything but Leaena’s safety.

_She is safe for now._

Holding what little magic she had in her, sending his lyrium reaching, wrapping around her magic, comforting them both, Cullen promptly fell asleep.

\--------

_Maker, what is the time?_

Cullen woke up to sunlight filling his room. He’d been so exhausted there had been no room for his usual nightmares. He let his senses feel for her magic, still there, still muted although he could detect an improvement in how rested she was.

Getting to his feet, he spied a washbasin and quickly freshened up, getting his boots on before going next door.

Iminric was sat next to Leaena’s bed, reading whilst Caya had some sewing on her lap.

‘Cullen,’ she said quietly. ‘I trust you slept well?’

‘I did, thank you,’ he replied. ‘Did I really sleep all day?’

‘You needed it,’ Caya replied, amusement in her voice. ‘You’ve slept for around twenty hours.’

He couldn’t reply to that, he was so surprised.

_I never sleep. There is never any time to. What is wrong with me?_

_Although I feel better than I have done in quite some time._

‘I think you pushed yourself to your limits to save my sister, for which my family can never repay you,’ she said, a serious note in her voice. ‘Please do not worry – we have had a peaceful vigil next to her bedside.’

‘She has not stirred,’ Iminric said. ‘You will be relieved to hear that I have not had to prevent her from casting.’

_If anyone is going to use their abilities on her I would rather it were me._

 ‘That is good news,’ Cullen said. ‘And thank the Maker, her aura looks healthier as well. The red that was seeping through her blue has stopped.’

_Hello, my lady. Your magic feels better today too._

_Even if you haven’t moved. Take your time._

He took a seat on the other side of her bed, holding her hand as he always did when she was sick. Her magic had grown stronger again, although nothing like her usual levels. Like her, it was resting.

Caya called for refreshments and then turned back to Cullen. ‘We considered your request and I think I have the perfect spot for Lea to recuperate. It is a favourite of hers. We can take her in a carriage - it isn’t far but completely secluded. All your belongings are there already, along with enough supplies for the next two weeks. You can use it as long as you like, of course. But knowing Lea when she wakes up she will want to get back to her duties as fast as possible.’  

‘I also have a pile of correspondence from your Inquisition people in Skyhold for when you are ready. Anything in the future will be delivered morning and evening to you, also giving you a chance to return messages to the Inquisition. We can send crows directly from here to the fortress. Leliana is, as ever, organised.’ Caya gestured to some documents.

‘You are more than generous, both of you,’ Cullen said softly.

_You are blessed with your family, my lady._

_I only hope I fight as hard for you as they do._

‘Is there anything I can do at all?’ he asked them both.

‘I have two questions, Cullen,’ Iminric replied, considering the man in front of him. ‘One: what in the Maker’s name happened? All of it, from Haven onwards? And secondly: how do you cope without the lyrium?’

Cullen leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes. The second member of her family desperate to understand what had happened to her, and with good reason.

_And if I can persuade just one more Templar to stop lyrium then it is worth it._

_‘_ This will be a long tale,’ he began, holding Leaena’s hand on his lap as he thought back to the day of the explosion.

\-------

Cullen kissed the top of her head as he prepared to get out of the carriage and carry her down to the little cottage that would be their home until she was better. Caya explained this was actually always meant to have been Leaena’s, until she went to the Circle, so they kept it for her whenever she needed.

_I’m sorry you are here to recuperate yet again. You have been through so much._

The time she had faced the brand in the Harrowing Chamber, the time her Circle fell and the time Samson found her – she ended up here. Now, red lyrium fighting to get into her body, she was back.

It was, however, an idillyic spot. And completely secluded. The little one-storey whitewash cottage sat at the end of an inlet, sheltered from the sometimes volatile storms that swept up the Waking Sea by the high cliffs on either side covered in gorse and grass. There was a small, pristine white sandy beach, housing a mooring with a small sailboat. Behind the dusty road in was a small field and stall where Cullen was grateful to see a horse grazing.

_That’s in case I need to get Leaena out again._

_Because there’s no way I’m taking my chances with that leaky tub out there._

The water was crystal clear and a brilliant blue, similar to the colour of Leaena’s eyes, glittering in the warm afternoon sun. Aside from his footsteps, the only sound was of seagulls and waves breaking the shore.

As he made his way into the cottage with his sleeping lady in his arms, he was struck by how simple yet tasteful it was.

_Well it is Leaena’s. Why would you expect anything different?_

He carried her to the one bedroom, settling her again and covering her with his cloak.

Caya had earlier had a healer come to check on her, who pronounced Leaena fit but beyond exhaustion. Her body needed sleep, and lots of it. He said there was nothing further to be done, declaring they would have to wait for her to wake up when she was ready.

Feeling she was safe for the moment, he looked around. The bedroom opened out onto the living and kitchen area on one side, with doors opening out to the beach on the other. The bed was huge, comfortable and soft, covered in white and blue linens, whilst in the living area there were a range of comfortable cushions, sofas and a table and chairs. He spied something that made him laugh; a well-stocked whiskey cabinet. Looking to see what was beyond the pristine kitchen, he saw a utility area complete with a washtub and water straight to the property.

_What a wonderful place this is. Her little haven._

_And now I am in it. With her. For at least a week. If she wakes up._

The afternoon was hot so Cullen decided to open the doors and let her hear the sea.

_She may like that. Maybe it will soothe her?_

He stepped outside, breathing the salty air. He had never been anywhere that was so isolated before, nor so relaxed. Cullen had never spent much time by the sea but for Leaena, the same as most Marchers, it was a part of her blood.

_No wonder she always gets so excited when she finds a lake. And a jetty. She likes to be over the water._

He looked at the water, looking down at his grimy, dusty leather armour and back at Leaena, considering whether to swim or not.

_Later. Work first._

Sighing, he looked for his bags, startled to see they had been unpacked already, everything washed and pressed as he found a cupboard with his clothes in.

_How the nobility live._

He quickly changed into a loose shirt and breeches, moving a table next to the bed so he could sit next to Leaena and work. The cupboards had been well stocked with everything they could need.

Cullen and Leliana had agreed even before he’d left Skyhold that they would send all Inquisition correspondence here. He had a backlog of about a week to tackle, as well as his share of Leaena’s. The advisors had divided her work between them.

_Well, there are worse places to be doing it._

He helped himself from her whiskey stock, sitting back a second to think, her hand in his.

Lady Caya Trevelyan was a force to be reckoned with. They had both been particularly interested to hear about his reasons for stopping lyrium and he suspected Iminric might do the same soon.

_She is so like her older sister. But so unique._

Cullen looked down at Leaena, fast asleep, her colour having returned to her skin. Caya was very pleasant but certainly the more serious of the two women, perhaps because of her responsibilities as future head of House Trevelyan.

_But Leaena leads the Inquisition, a role equivalent to a monarch. She was a Senior Enchanter before that. And she knows still how to have fun._

_She makes me laugh, more than I’ve ever done before. Apparently that’s good for me, if I can believe Varric._

_Is my expression really always that serious?_

He chuckled, giving Leaena’s hand a kiss, as he applied himself to reducing the mountain of paperwork that was before him.

\-------

Lea could hear the seagulls calling, the sound of waves breaking on the shore. A warm, gentle breeze blew in over her skin, letting her smell the sea. She stretched, feeling so much better then she had done in Kirkwall.

_Kirkwall. We were there. I must still be hallucinating. Or delusional. Or both._

_Where am I? Cullen?_

She immediately felt his lyrium, felt the joyful response as her magic busily wound its way around his lyrium, felt his surprise and pleasure.

_But where am I?_

_No way!_

Lea sat bolt upright in bed, blinking for a second.

_I’m in Ostwick? How? That’s his cloak that was covering me._

_Gaaa my body doesn’t work…._

Shakily, she set her legs on the floor, walking out onto the terrace slightly unsteadily and looking out to the water where she felt Cullen was.

_Oh Maker. I'm awake now._

_That is a sight I could wake up to every day and never be bored._

Cullen had been for a swim. He’d come out of the water upon feeling her wake. The sun caught his hair and his skin, glowing golden in the early evening light. 

_His breeches are wet. As is the rest of him._

_Bare chested and all. I need to run my fingers through his hair, down his chest, tease his stomach._

_Commander, really, why did you even bother? I have every intention of getting those breeches off you again in a minute._

He was so very beautiful. Lea always thought that a thousand times a day anyway, but Maker, that body, his powerful shoulders, broad back, that line of muscles running down his stomach, all highlighted for the better with water running down him – it was all she could do to not stand there and drool. The breeches clung to his legs and hips, showing her the strength in every step as he moved towards her. Lea couldn’t help but let her eyes linger on a certain area.

_I take it you’re pleased to see me. Just so you know, I’m pleased to see you too._

It reminded her of that night at the lake, when his hair was wet and messy, his eyes on fire, moving inside her, watching her, making her body tremble, setting her alight.

_And when he smiles at me like he is now – that half-smile, his golden eyes burning, I’m about to pop in a frenzy of desire._

Lea couldn’t help but let him feel how much she wanted him, needed him. She felt her whole body grow warm as he responded, pure want for her reflected back. She felt her skin flush and tingle; warmth had built inside her already, the heat in her lower abdomen rising up through her whole body, shooting flames down to her core.

_But before I get ahead of myself, what the fuck happened?_

_Whatever. Talking is overrated anyway._

As Cullen reached her, Lea launched herself into his arms without saying a word. She didn’t care if he was still wet, she needed to feel him. Her magic was so delighted it was practically flying as it sang its way around his lyrium, his senses greedily reaching for more.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him in for a kiss, teasing her tongue with his, tasting his lips with the tang of the sea on them, a hint of whiskey on his breath. He’d put his arms around her waist to haul her right up close to him. Lea felt the heat of his body come through the thin white cotton shift she was wearing, the fabric clinging to her now it was wet, causing a delicious friction against her breasts. He picked her up so she could wrap her legs round his waist, holding onto her tight while they continued with this searing kiss.

‘Leaena,’ he broke off, looking at her for a second as he carried her to the bed, lying her down, ‘are you…I mean I don’t…’

_Well, if you don’t want to I’m not going to let that stop me._

_Because your standing there, looking the way you do, is more than enough._

Lea smiled slowly, leaning back on the pillows and spreading her legs, slipping her hand inside her pants to play with her already wet clit.  ‘Cullen, if you stop, I will continue. On my own. In fact, if you just wanted to watch that could also prove….interesting. The choice is yours.’

Cullen’s eyes blazed at her provocative challenge as his eyes raked her body, standing there, watching her stroke herself.

_Oh fuck, this is already one of the most blatantly erotic things I’ve ever done. And he’s still watching._

_Which makes me want him even more. He has me so wet and he’s hardly done anything._

‘I wouldn’t mind if you continued, Leaena. In fact I rather like my view, especially when your shirt leaves so little to my imagination,’ he said softly, his eyes purely predatory as he continued to look at her teasing her clit.

Lea glanced down, seeing that her shirt had soaked through, becoming see-through. Her nipples were hard, clearly visible through the thin cotton, with the rest of the shift clinging to her breasts and abdomen.

_I may as well be naked._

‘I could say the same about you, Cullen. Those breeches conceal very little when wet. Especially now. If you felt the need to make yourself more comfortable that might be beneficial – to both of us.’

She deliberately let her gaze focus on the sight of Cullen’s thick, hard cock straining in his breeches, clearly visible against the laces. He still didn’t move, completely focussed on her, watching her hand slowly moving against her clit, able to see how wet she had become.

‘Play fair Leaena,’ Cullen practically growled at her ‘If you want to watch me, then I want to watch you as well. All of you.’

_It’s like that is it Commander? Very well, let’s see how much you can take._

_And I know exactly how to bring you to me._

Lea felt another wave of fire sweep her body as she realised what he wanted to see. Not missing a beat, she slid one finger inside her hot wet core then bought her hand out, letting him see the juices on her finger before sliding the into her mouth to taste.

He still didn’t move, clearly enjoying this highly erotic game they had started, waiting to see how far she would go.

She slowly eased down her pants before throwing them to the side of the bed, relaxing back in the position she had been in, letting her hand slide between her legs. She started to finger herself, just using one finger, allowing her thumb to caress her clit at the same time.

‘Play fair, Cullen,’ Lea said, her voice low and husky. ‘I’ve met my end of the bargain. I do believe it’s your turn.’

_Holy fucking Andraste. That is quite possibly the most blatantly sexual thing I’ve ever seen._

_You are fucking gorgeous._

Cullen smiled, that purely primal smile Lea remembered from their sparring session, sending shivers of anticipation through her. He took off his breeches and stood at the foot of the bed, his cock in his hand, stroking himself, completely focussed on watching her as she continued to slide her fingers in and out of her.

‘I’m curious to know what you’re thinking, Leaena,’ he whispered, his voice gravelly with want.

Lea was completely absorbed by the incredible sight of Cullen standing before her, his large, strong hand firmly wrapped around his cock, slowly pumping his fist up and down; his hard body naked, every muscle straining, taught and clearly defined as he fought to keep control. His jaw was clenched, letting her see the definition of his face and his eyes were bright flames of gold. His lyrium was at its peak, roaring to be with her, next to her as her magic relentlessly pulled his senses towards her.  

_I’m thinking you’re the best thing I’ve ever seen in my life and that I want you inside me now._

_How can I get you to come here?_

She slid two fingers inside of her now, deliberately letting Cullen hear how wet she was, skin against her juices, starting to move them faster and higher up inside her.

‘You know, Cullen, there’s one thing I think about quite often when I’m alone in my tent, my fingers inside of me, just like now, wet, wanting more. Can you guess what it is?’

Cullen moved, barely, but enough for Lea to realise he was close to breaking.

_As am I._

‘I believe I have an idea,’ he said, still very slowly stroking his cock, watching her as she slid her fingers out, running them over the lips to her entrance, over her clit and then slipping back in again. ‘Would you like me to show you what I think you have in mind?’

Wordlessly, Lea lifted her hand from her clit, leaving her legs spread wide open, as she slipped one finger in her mouth again. ‘I would rather like that, yes,’ she replied, then gasped as he was on top of her, sliding into her, taking her hand to taste her juices. She let out a low moan at the feel of his cock, filling her completely, hard and smooth.

‘Was it something like this?’ he whispered as he slowly moved in and out of her, leaning on his elbows either side of her head, his face inches from hers.

Lea was already struggling to breathe properly, as he felt so good inside of her, the weight of his body on hers sending waves of sensation throughout her body time and time again.

‘Something like this, but there was more,’ she managed to say, breathless, her hips rising to meet every stroke, her legs wrapped around his waist to hold him to her as she grabbed his arms to help her move with him.

‘So why don’t you tell me,’ he murmured huskily, still slowly, excruciatingly moving in and out of her, seeing her need to have more, to have him.

Lea hadn’t stopped looking into his eyes, burning with need, desire and love for her. ‘I want you to make me come,’ she whispered. ‘I want to feel your cock moving inside of me, hard and fast, watching your face as you come.’

Cullen didn’t reply as he started to move faster, creating that exquisite friction on her clit as she started to writhe against him, feeling her body desperate for release, her breath now coming in short gasps. He was fighting to keep control, his breathing short, intent on seeing her reach her peak before he came himself, his whole body and face focussed solely on her pleasure. There were no words now, just both of them matching the other stroke for sroke, both needing the other to reach release. 

Lea’s body suddenly convulsed as she came, hard. ‘Fuck, Cullen……’ she moaned, still not letting him go, wanting to feel him inside of her still as her orgasm had her trembling, wave after wave.

Cullen wrapped his arms around her shoulders as he held her tight, their bodies completely joined together as he mindlessly thrusted in and out of her. He came soon after, with a low cry, unable to stop moving in and out of her as his body shook with the intensity of his climax, whispering her name.

Slowly, they subsided, not moving from each other’s arms, taking pleasure in just being together again. Cullen then reluctantly raised himself off her, lying alongside Lea’s immobile body, trailing his fingers lightly up and down her legs as he kissed her.

‘Inquisitor,’ he said with that half-smile she loved.

‘Commander,’ Lea replied softly, raising a hand to stroke his face.

‘How are you feeling?’ he asked, slightly hesitantly.

‘Now? Bloody marvellous if you must know,’ she said with a grin. ‘You are incredible, did you know that?’ she then said softly, feeling quite emotional suddenly over what they’d just shared.

_It is not every day that kind of lovemaking happens. And it is only because Cullen is who he is._

He caught her hand and kissed it. ‘It takes two, my lady. I love what we learn about each other sexually. And I still feel like we’re just beginning.’

‘Is that a promise, Cullen? I intend on ensuring that you keep to it if so,’ Lea replied, even now feeling heat run through her languid body at the thought of what else they had to explore together.

‘You can guarantee it, Leaena,’ he replied, smiling at her, kissing her hand then giving her a lingering kiss on her lips.

Her magic was singing, entwining around his lyrium, so happy to be here of all places with him.

‘I love you,’ Lea whispered, her eyes shining with pleasure to be back with Cullen again.

‘I love you too,’ he replied contentedly, kissing her again.

_I feel at peace. Finally._


	47. Shelter

Cullen sat up reluctantly, but wanting to make sure Lea was feeling alright. ‘Your aura looks much better already. Hardly any of the red remains. You are strong, my lady.’

_I love looking at you. I could spend all day doing nothing, just staring at you. Mouth open like an idiot._

_Probably like I am right now._

‘Cullen why are we here? I mean, I’m delighted, especially that you can see my favourite place, but what? How? I don’t even know what day it is. I should have asked.’ She flushed, the fact that both of them were in a state of undress a rather vivid reminder of why she hadn’t thought to check before.

_Because I pounced on you._

He laughed softly. ‘You are adorable when you blush,’ he said with a kiss as he helped her up to her feet.

_Well that just makes me blush even more!_

_But I do like it when you say things like that._

‘Maker, I could do with a bath,’ she sighed.  

‘Would you like me to bring it through for you?’ he asked.

_Ever the gentleman. I am blessed._

‘I may swim later so could do with one after that. But there is a fresh water trough which we can also use to rinse, so you don’t have to drag that tub around. What about you?’ she asked.

‘Same. The weather is so hot and the water warm. We could go for a dip any time.’

_Cullen swimming. Getting out of the water._

_That is an image I will never forget._

Her magic had curled up next to his lyrium, twisting happily around his senses, feeling how relaxed he was, happy to see her awake.

 _Honestly, if it were a cat it would be purring right now_.

‘Do you want to go outside and just have a quick rinse?’ she asked.

Cullen looked at her, a slight smile on his lips as he tilted her face so he could kiss her again. ‘I think if we were to go together we may just end up carrying on where we left off,’ he murmured.

Lea swallowed, breathless from the heat in his kiss and at the thoughts that had just entered her head.

_Water. Cullen. Naked. I get to rub soap in. All over._

‘And I’m trying to understand why that’s a bad idea,’ she said, her voice low as flames started to lick the insides of her belly, those slow waves of desire beginning to ripple out across her body.

_Maker, I will never tire of this man._

He sighed regretfully, stroking her hair from her face. ‘You have no idea what temptation you are, my lady. But you have been very unwell and I am not going to jeopardise your health because I can’t control myself. How about you go and have a rinse now whilst I put dinner out?’

‘Alright. Spoilsport,’ Lea pouted as he chuckled. ‘You can go after.’

Feeling inexplicably shy, she grabbed the things she needed and darted outside. The feel of the water, warmed by the heat of the day on her hair and skin was bliss. She was used to being here on her own, being naked. But for some reason with Cullen here, she was a bit self-conscious.

_Especially after that rather explosive session of lovemaking. Where he was naked and you may as well have been._

There was just something so intimate in the setting they now found themselves in which was taking their relationship to a completely different level.

_I have nothing to hide behind._

Lea decided to use towels to dry herself off rather than magic, wandering back inside with one on her head and one round her body. Wandering back inside, she saw Cullen had set out food and a rather nice bottle of Tevinter red on the table outside.

Sitting and drying her hair, she smiled as she saw him. ‘Go outside and have a quick wash if you like. All the things you need are there.’

‘I won’t be long. Everything is laid out ready to go,’ he gave her a quick kiss and headed outside.

She brushed out her hair and waved her hand to finish it off, rubbing her favourite orange blossom lotion in and adding a dash of kohl to her eyes and lashes, before searching round her closet to see what she had kept here.

Once Lea had slipped on a white brassiere and matching pants, she pulled on a floor-length white linen dress with long, loose sleeves that floated over her body, a red belt tied loosely to sit on her hips. Caya had done some beautiful embroidery for her on the low-cut V-neck.

_I feel human again. And I’m here._

Her magic was still curled up happily, entwining round his lyrium in a most relaxed manner. To have him this near to her for a prolonged period merely intensified the whole experience. Sighing in contentment, she headed outside to the table again, pouring the wine for them both and leaning against the railing, lost in thought.

_Kirkwall was not what I expected. It was worse._

_He wanted to say more but didn’t. I wonder how he felt about being back._

Hearing him approach, she turned around and immediately felt butterflies in her stomach, just like the very first time she saw him.

Cullen was standing a few feet away, quietly watching her, his eyes smouldering their amber-gold. His hair was still wet, loosely brushed back but tendrils escaping over his forehead, just wearing breeches and a shirt with the sleeves rolled up, open at the neck, her phylactery just visible as it rested on his chest. Lea could see he’d caught the sun over the last few days, his skin now lightly tanned, his hair bleached by the sun.

_You look like some golden hero from legends gone. I know I’m not ugly, but how did I manage to end up with such a handsome man?_

_And now we are truly alone for the first time ever, what will you really think of me?_

Lea blushed slightly under his intense gaze, shivering slightly even in the warmth. Sensing she was somewhat disconcerted, he came straight to her and kissed her gently.

‘Are you alright, my lady?’ Cullen asked, concern in his voice.

She hesitated before replying, feeling shyer than she’d ever done in her life. ‘I was just thinking that every time I see you it’s like the first time all over. I’m so full of anticipation. That it is so wonderful to be here with you, but we have never been so alone before.’

Lea stopped, biting her lip. ‘I have nowhere to hide, no immediate crisis to solve, no Inquisitor title to lurk behind,’ she said, almost in a whisper. ‘It truly is just Cullen and Lea. I find I’m somewhat nervous about what you’ll think about the woman I actually am. Few have ever seen her. And never like this.’

‘I know what you mean. I had reached the same conclusion. It has been so long since I wanted anyone in my life and sometimes I…well…I’m not very good at this.’ he replied, his hands on her waist, reluctant to let go. ‘I had to stop and admire you for a moment, catch myself with the fact I have you to myself for at least this week. I hope you don’t mind. And you look absolutely beautiful, Leaena. This dress suits you very well.’

Lea put her drink down, giving him a smile, putting her arms round his neck and kissing him before resting her head on his chest. ‘Oh I don’t know about you not being good - you seem to be doing pretty well so far. I had the same thought. Well, except that you were the beautiful one, not me. That would be rather odd if I was standing around admiring myself.’

His laugh rumbled through her, adding to her relaxation. Lea luxuriated in being held by him for a minute or two, listening to his heart beat, the woody-citrus scent of him absorbing through her, his lyrium winding tightly round her magic, promising to take care of her, keep her safe.

‘We will find a way through this together, and I for one can’t wait to find out more about you. Now, my lady, you must eat,’ he said firmly.

Lea looked at the table and shot him a quick cheeky smile. ‘You forgot something,’ she said teasingly heading back to the kitchen for another plate.

‘I should have guessed,’ Cullen laughed as she set it down. ‘Come here a second, my lady,’ he said suddenly.

‘What did I do?’ she joked, then let out a small squeal as she found herself on his lap.

‘I like you here,’ he said simply, kissing her gently before passing her drink.

‘I like being here,’ she replied happily, feeling better as she set one arm around his shoulders as she sipped. ‘Maker, that tastes good. Dorian would approve; it’s from the main competitor to his family’s vineyards. But anyway. What’s on your mind, Cullen?’

She felt his hesitation, felt that he had something he wanted to say which she could be unhappy with.

_What happened between Kirkwall and here?_

He sighed. ‘What is the last thing you remember?’

‘You telling me about the Qunari invasion,’ Lea replied.

Cullen nodded. ‘OK. So as you know, you have red lyrium poisoning. You have a severe reaction because you somehow inhaled or ingested it when that node exploded – probably a bit of both. Just being near it is bad enough, although it can take years for the full effect to be felt. But when you take it inside your system – particularly as a mage – you are very susceptible.’

Lea nodded quietly, waiting for him to continue.

‘In Kirkwall, you were unable to sleep, suffering extreme nightmares, with the paranoia red lyrium inflicts on people fully apparent. You were also holding huge amounts of magic to yourself. I…..fuck this is not easy for me to say, Leaena.’ Lea felt how upset he was.

‘It’s alright, Cullen, you can tell me,’ she said quietly.

‘As we were on our way here, you had a nightmare. But I couldn’t rouse you. Nothing worked. You had enough magic within you to sink our vessel. I had to hold you, draining your magic. And then I had to Silence you. I had to Silence you again a couple of hours later as you tried the same thing again. Both times you collapsed as soon as I cut off your magic. I’m so sorry,’ he finished on a whisper, his head resting against her waist.

Lea felt his horror at having to do that to her, his desperate fear that she would have killed herself and everyone on board. His pain at having to be the one to do it, not wanting it to be anyone but him. Her magic flowed over his senses, wanting to reassure him, make him feel better.

_You didn’t want to do this._

_I’m sorry I put you in that position._

‘Cullen,’ she replied. ‘It’s alright. I’m sorry that my actions made you do that. I don’t even remember it happening, although I appreciate you telling me. I am glad it was you that did it as well. Maker,’ she said, suddenly anxious, ‘am I going to do that again?’

‘You shouldn’t. You’re near the end of the red lyrium in your system.’

‘I feel better because I’m with you,’ Lea said softly. ‘As soon as you found me in Kirkwall I calmed down. Now here…..why here by the way?’

‘Leliana and I worked it out before I left Skyhold. I actually thought you’d come here originally so Kirkwall threw me completely. But this would be the best place for you to recover. Total peace and quiet. The Inquisition needs you well. Actually forget that - I need you well,’ he said firmly. ‘You must get better. So, go sit there and eat because you are far too thin after being sick and I will update you on everything else.’

She laughed, kissing him as she climbed from his lap.

_This is all my fault. Stupid, impulsive, impatient Lea._

‘I’m sorry I was so careless with that node. I know I'm doing nothing but apologising but it is all my fault and I've been an idiot. I was deliberately destructive by the time we got to clearing that part on the last day,’ she said earnestly, hating herself. ‘I bought this all on myself and I could have harmed the others.’

‘You could argue it is my fault for not being upfront with you in the first place and causing so much hurt. For which I am still so sorry for Leanea,’ he said, taking her hand as she shook her head.

‘Cullen….I have to also say sorry for reacting the way I did. The use of lyrium or not is a deeply personal issue and not really my business. You know how much I respect you for stopping and we will talk about how to alleviate your withdrawal symptoms, well, whenever you want to. There must be something we can do – there’s the whole of the Inquisition’s resources to draw upon as well. Don’t try and do this alone. You are setting a wonderful example, showing that it can be done. Not only that – you’re far and away the best person to command our armies at the same time.’

‘Leaena - you have nothing to say sorry for in that regard. But your words mean more to me than you know. So, are we agreeing to forgive each other and getting on with enjoying this lovely evening?’ he asked, smiling, flushing lightly at her compliment.

She raised her glass to his. ‘I think I can agree to that.’

‘I should mention,’ he added, ‘that Caya knew in advance of our arrival. Once I saw you safe, Iminric stood guard so I could sleep.’

‘Good,’ Lea replied. ‘You never sleep enough. How much did you get?’

‘Twenty hours or so would you believe! But you were truly the one who slept. We arrived early yesterday morning and I bought you to the cottage this afternoon.’

‘Nearly two days?’ Lea was dumbfounded.

‘You needed it and Solas gave me a potion that would fell a horse.’ Cullen replied. ‘Anyway, let’s not talk about work,’ he surprised her by saying. ‘Things are under control. I would like to hear more about your family, your life growing up. I suddenly realised, we’ve been through so much but this chance to just sit and talk to you, find out more about you, does not happen often.’

_I feel the same. And with every word, you reveal your true self, your thoughtfulness, how much you care about what happens around you._

_You are a rare man indeed._

‘Your sister realised my feelings for you straight away,’ he said ruefully. ‘Am I that obvious?’

Lea gave a delighted laugh as she leaned over to kiss him. ‘I would like to think so – at least as much as I am! Caya even indicated in a letter to me at Haven that you might, erm, catch my interest?’

‘And how did that work out for you, my lady?’ he asked, laughter in his eyes.

‘I have no complaints, ser knight,’ she said as she batted her eyelashes at him.

‘I’m glad to hear it. I don’t want you to make me row my way back to Higheaver in that thing.’ He gestured with a slight grimace to her small yacht in the water.

‘You’ve just hurt Tinker’s feelings,’ she smiled. ‘That small sailboat has taken me all along the coast and explored every inlet since I was old enough to manage it on my own.’

‘Tinker? Your boat has a name? What happened to all the pressure?’ he said with that teasing light in his eyes that made her melt inside.

_I am glad to see you laughing more, relaxing more._

_Maybe you needed to get away as much as I did._

She buttered some bread, laying some cheese and tomato on top, munching slowly, enjoying the taste.

‘I missed food,’ she said. ‘Who would have thought some Tevinter red and a cheese and tomato sandwich would rival the very best Val Royaeux has to offer? And, before you mock me further, it’s fine for Tinker to be Tinker. All boats need a name for luck. That’s the main difference. And now I am not going to talk to you because you are just openly laughing at me!’

Cullen hadn’t been able to control his amusement. ‘That, my lady Inquisitor, is quite possibly the most irrational argument I’ve ever heard when it comes to naming or not naming something.’

‘Well, it doesn’t matter. I’m changing the subject before you hurt my feelings more,’ she grinned at him. ‘What did you think of my sister?’

‘You two are very similar in appearance are you not? Whereas Cadan and Trystan are more alike,’ he mused. ‘She is quieter than you isn’t she? More, well, earnest I suppose. A very nice woman but I would not want to get on the wrong side of her.’

‘We both take after our mother with looks but we are polar opposites in personality. She is serious and I, as you know, am not. Trystan is a bit more of a mix between my father and mother and Cadan is just a downright throwback to our smuggler ancestors,’ Lea reached for some olives, throwing one at Cullen when he realised she was keeping them on a separate plate. ‘Stop laughing Commander! Caya is also a very devout Andrasteian – I mean, we all are but she is a regular at services and can probably recite as many canticles of the Chant of Light as you can.’

Cullen made a face. ‘That was one of the less interesting parts of my Templar training. Watching a candle burn whilst reciting the Chant of Transfiguration wasn’t the most exciting task.’

‘That sounds dire,’ Lea laughed. ‘I don’t know how you managed it. I was always far and away the worst student out of all of us when we had to go to the Chantry for our lessons. My mind just wandered and I never ended up remembering anything. It was a relief, in many ways, to end up at the Circle instead.’

‘I can imagine someone like you finding the Chantry study offerings rather dry,’ he chuckled. ‘But why did you find the Circle better?’

Lea paused as she thought about it, sipping her wine. ‘Believe it or not, I really enjoy research. I lost myself for days in the library at Ostwick Circle. It was a respite for me from all the people around. I’d get so excited to go and visit other Circles and see their libraries. Denerim had a particularly fine one. The depth of what I could study was so much broader than anything the Chantry could offer. And now, I can expand that so much more. Solas has been a wonderful tutor and it is also fascinating to hear the Tevinter perspective from Dorian. Whenever I get time to study these days that is.’

‘I believe it,’ he said, looking at her with confusion. ‘Why would I not? You mustn’t put yourself down. You are a highly intelligent woman, Leaena. And it is possible to be studious and have fun at the same time. Not something I managed so successfully.’

‘I…well…thank you,’ Lea stammered, feeling self-conscious all over again. ‘Equally though, I am not the only one who needs be a bit more generous. The life of a Templar is one of devotion to duty through service to the Maker,’ Lea argued. ‘Frivolous pursuits are hardly encouraged are they?’

Cullen sighed. ‘No, I suppose not. But I’m trying to change that. I was just thinking earlier that I need to relax more. It isn’t easy to let go of habits I’ve had for years. But your studies – have you not considered a further specialisation?’ Cullen asked. ‘Beyond your elemental focus?’

‘I was due to start my Knight-Enchanter training but then the Circle fell shortly afterwards,’ she replied, feeling a bit wistful. ‘I would have liked to have done that. It would add such a powerful element to my existing talents.’

‘Then I have a surprise for you, my lady,’ Cullen smiled. ‘There is a trainer waiting for you at Skyhold for when you return. Cadan mentioned it to us a while ago and we arranged for someone to come and assist you.’

_It was you that arranged it using your resources. You did all this. For me._

_I do not deserve you._

Lea jumped up in excitement, giving him a big smile and throwing her arms around his neck as he pulled her back onto his lap. ‘Seriously!’ she said breathlessly. ‘I can’t wait! Thank you so much!’

‘You are welcome, my lady,’ he said softly.

Lea’s heart began to beat faster at the slow burn building up in his eyes, feeling the warmth of his lyrium as his senses reached out to wrap her magic tightly within him. He looked up at the sky, now dark save for the glitter of stars. She had enjoyed their easy, relaxed conversation so much she hadn’t even noticed night creep up on them.

Kissing her hand, Cullen looked back at her, drawing her face to his to kiss her.

‘You mentioned a swim earlier,’ he murmured, kissing her neck, flicking his tongue lightly against her ear, making her shiver. ‘Can I persuade you to join me now?’

She smiled as she stood, holding out her hand to him. ‘I don’t think I need persuading, Cullen,’ she replied, her voice and her magic reflecting her desire, her love for him.

Silently, they both headed down to the water, focussed on nothing but each other.

\------

The week that passed was one of the most idyllic of both their lives. The weather had held – it was hot, warm and sunny – the perfect Free Marches summer. 

Lea was struggling to remember a time when she’d felt so relaxed. She knew Cullen felt the same. After that day when she’d woken up they’d talked, laughed, slept, walk along the cliffs or go for a leisurely swim when the mood took them.

_Oh yes. Long lovemaking sessions, and not just in bed._

_How would we ever have done this at Skyhold?_

Lea still had small waves of paranoia and illness but so mild as to be barely noticeable. Neither of them had any nightmares, both for the first time in years sleeping properly.

He had refused to let her do any work at first until she had physically climbed over him, trying to get to her letters, threatening to ruin his orderly pile of papers completely unless he gave her correspondence to her.

_And that just led us back to bed. Amidst all our laughter._

She was sitting on the floor, her papers scattered in their usual haphazard fashion around her while he was sitting at the table, everything organised neatly as he methodologically worked his way through each item. Lea had forgotten how much she enjoyed working alongside Cullen as well, stopping to discuss points of interest or debate things they disagreed on. He had a keen insight and a way of cutting through anything unnecessary, helping her focus on what was at hand. She looked over at him now, frowning at something he was writing. ‘What’s that?’ she asked.

‘I’m writing condolence letters to those soldiers murdered by the Blades of Hessarian,’ he said quietly. ‘Not the most cheerful of tasks but their families deserve no less. There, that’s the last one done.’ He sat back and stretched.

_And every day my respect for you has grown even more whilst we have been here. Because you take time to see to the smaller things that mean so much._

‘It’s good of you to do that, Cullen,’ Lea replied warmly. ‘I hope you don’t mind I recruited what was left for you. It felt a bit odd but….’

‘Not at all - we need all the men we can get,’ he replied absently as he looked at his next report.

Lea had been working her way through all her outstanding correspondence. ‘In that case, do you want some conscripted soldiers through these Grey Warden treaties?’ She chewed on the end of her quill as she read the letter again.

‘Always,’ Cullen replied, looking up with interest. ‘We’ve been unable to reach agreement on that matter between the three of us. It’s where the competition between our different areas comes in I suppose.’

‘I’m going to be accused of gross favouritism towards you, Commander Rutherford,’ she laughed as she wrote her instructions back to Skyhold. ‘But the simple matter is we need troops and I suspect soon, as well as enough time to train them. The other two will get over it.’

‘You’re too good to me Inquisitor,’ Cullen grinned. ‘Can I get you a drink as a way of thank you?’

‘That sounds fantastic,’ she said, reaching for her next letter. ‘Whichever you are having. Oh, it’s from Sebastian….that’s very generous of him indeed. He’s sent some coin. There we go, your troops are paid for. I must write to him personally and invite him to Skyhold when he has time. And look, Bhelan has declared his support for the Inquisition as well. That’s Orzammar onside too. We’re growing!’ she said excitedly.

He kissed her as he handed her a glass. Without thinking, she waved her hand at it, some ice appearing as she went to sit on the sofa.

Lea laughed at his scandalised expression. ‘You can’t have ice in whiskey! That’s the first time I’ve seen you drink it like that!’ he teased her.

‘Ah, but I’m a lady, therefore I can do whatever I want with my drink,’ she replied, sighing with pleasure as the firey liquid hit her throat, quickly writing out instructions for various responses to her letters. ‘I’m nearly done with all of this, thank the Maker.’

‘Me too,’ he agreed. ‘It’s getting late and you should rest.’

‘I will,’ she promised, reading another letter from Leliana. ‘Shit,’ she swore as she read on. ‘Leliana is going to have to deal with this in person. King Markus is potentially under the sway of a Tevinter mage, almost certainly Venatori. I shall tell her to depart immediately for Nevarra City.’

‘That is worrying,’ Cullen said. ‘The Venatori have a long reach these days and we can’t have Nevarra unstable. Leliana will fix it though.’

‘She will, but she is becoming overly fond of sending her assassins in and needs to look hard at the type of person she is becoming. I must speak to her about it, actually. The Inquisition will earn respect by its deeds to save people, not by how many we murdered in our race to the top.’ Lea blushed to see the look of approval on Cullen’s face.

‘Oh….’ She broke off as she read her last letter. ‘Crestwood,’ she whispered, looking at him. ‘Nathalie has sent word finally. She’s waiting for us.’

_I knew this would end sometime._

_But still, so fast? I will miss you. All over again._

He could sense her disquiet, her sadness that real life had intruded and was demanding their return, her magic suddenly clinging to his lyrium, not wanting to leave him.

‘Are you well enough, Leaena? That is the first priority,’ he asked, coming to sit next to her as he put an arm round her shoulder.

‘I am,’ she replied, reading the letter from Varric again. ‘I -we - have to get on with Inquisition business. We’ve got to clean house in Crestwood. There are…oh yay….undead, a drowned village…a fort that needs to be reclaimed…’ She passed the letter to him to read.

_Maker help me, I’m not ready to leave you quite yet. Emotionally or in my head._

An idea occurred to her.

‘Commander, what‘s your diary like?’ she asked.

‘I was due to replace Josephine so she could negotiate between Tevinter and Nevarra,’ he said, thinking out loud. ‘But that should be postponed until the threat to King Markus is removed. And I wanted to inspect the new route through the Frostbacks too….shit, I forgot about that grand march for Farris. I need to be there. So might you, for that matter. But it can all wait. Why?’

‘How would you like to join us?’ Lea suggested hopefully. ‘There’s a keep that we need to take back to secure the region properly before going on to meet Nathalie’s Grey Warden. I know you like keeps and you want the Inquisition to have more. And, this could give us the chance to see Blackwall in the field. I’m really not comfortable without using him as one of my party until you give me your opinion. I know you don’t have very much spare time and this is a bit of an exception, but….’

_Oh, I love your smile._

_I’ll take that as a yes._

‘Leaena, you know you just have to ask and I’ll be there,’ Cullen promised ‘You are the Inquisitor as well – if you need any of us present with you then you just say. It sounds like fun. Shall we give ourselves one last day and depart the morning after tomorrow?’

‘Fun,’ she laughed, feeling ridiculously pleased that her time with him wasn’t going to be cut short straight away. ‘Yes, it will be. And that sounds like a good travel schedule. Let me write back to Skyhold and ask Varric to gather Blackwall and Dorian. We’ll meet them directly at Crestwood. Oh…..if I’m not comfortable then I’ll ask Bull to come and wait at the camp. I spoke to him about this already before – he understands.’

_And I need to include a note to Josephine to pack some things for me…._

She groaned at a memory. ‘Did I tell you what happened between Cassandra and Varric?’ Cullen shook his head. ‘It’s why I can’t have them both in a party right now. Last time I was out with Cassandra and Varric she chased him round the camp trying to hit him because he didn’t tell her about Hawke. It made an already excruciating trip to the Storm Coast even more agonizing.’

Cullen laughed. ‘They are both as bad as each other. Besides, the Inquisition has you. Believe me when I say Hawke would not have been the leader we needed. But you are.’

‘Thank you, Cullen. It is nice to hear that,’ Lea smiled, relaxing back into his arms, enjoying the rest of her drink with her feet up. ‘I had to split the two of them up and things are somewhat….strained between them. And don’t mention Dorian and Bull – I hope they’ve got whatever it is out of their system before we see them again…..’

They continued talking, sharing stories long into the night. Lea sensed they were both reluctant to end the peace they’d found in the last week, but mentally preparing to re-enter the world they lived in, to fulfill the roles that the Maker had shaped for them.

_But we still have one more day at least._


	48. One More Day

Cullen woke up early on their last full day, watching Leaena as she slept.

_She is so beautiful. And so desirable._

They had both slept naked the whole week, the warmth of the weather, combined with their need for one another making clothing in bed rather redundant.

_I love the feel of her, that soft skin against mine, her scent as I hold her to sleep._

Resisting the urge to gently wake her up and make love to her, he rose to get dressed and do some more work.

Cullen made himself comfortable outside, determined to take advantage of the fine weather whilst he could. He’d thought long and hard about when he had ever had such an enjoyable, relaxing week.

_I haven’t ever had one. Even as a child, my focus was always to pursue service with the Templar Order._

From the moment Leaena had woken up, to this point now, he had taken such pleasure in her company, appreciating the opportunity to learn more about her life, her background, what made her the person she was. What her likes and dislikes were, away from the pressures and scrutiny of Skyhold.

He’d understood exactly what she meant when she’d mentioned being nervous. She was exposing her soul for the first time. They both were. There was no background noise, nowhere to go. And it hadn’t just been for a few hours, it had been for a whole week.

_I have loved every minute._

_Fortunately, so has she._

He sensed her wake up, her magic seeking him out, dancing with delight through him simply because he was there, near her.

It had made her all the more adorable to see how she reacted around him that first night. Cullen, of course, knew she was battling desire and her nerves. It had been quite the revelation for him.

_My Inquisitor is actually very shy._

_She doesn’t need to put on an act with me. She doesn’t have to be the person everyone else expects her to be._

It had been the same when they made love, he reflected. To explore one another, to grow in confidence with each other – that had been truly special.

_Like now. She wouldn’t have done this at the start of the week._

_Maker, her body is just perfect._

Leaena had just wandered outside, completely naked, looking for him. Her tumble of white- blonde hair, bleached by the sun, was tousled from sleep and from his fingers wrapped around those long strands the previous night as she had made him come in her mouth.

Cullen said nothing, slowly letting his eyes travel over her tanned, graceful form, openly admiring her long legs, her taut stomach, her full, pert breasts and toned arms. Her face, slender neck and chest were still flushed from sleep, her full, dusky pink lips curved in that smile she only had for him. Her high cheekbones, the determined chin of hers, her nose that turned up just a bit at the end, fit together exactly right. Her spectacular eyes that changed colour with her mood and her magic, currently a deep brilliant blue, dominated her face.

_And fuck, the fact that you have not a hair on your body is still mind-blowingly erotic for me._

_You are the very definition of everything a sensual, passionate woman should be. I cannot believe you are mine._

‘Good morning,’ she said groggily, sitting on his lap and kissing him, then smiling slowly, sleepily as she felt his erection. ‘Have I disturbed you?’ she murmured. 

‘Only in a good way, I assure you,’ he replied, sliding his hands up the sides her body, slowly caressing her breasts, feeing her desire build rapidly in her as her magic jumped towards his lyrium, winding hard around his senses.

‘Cullen, we’ll never end up doing anything today,’ she gasped, enjoying the sensation of him teasing her nipples, the roughness of his hands against the smooth skin of her breasts.

‘Regretfully, you are right, my lady,’ he sighed, pulling her to him for a long kiss to prevent himself from taking one of those dark pink, now hard, nipples in his mouth.

_I am not sure why I thought kissing you would make me stop wanting you._

_Maker, I will never stop wanting you._

The feel of her phylactery against his skin gave him a vague reminder that they had a job to do today. The feel of how wet she was against his cock, hard in his breeches persuaded him otherwise.

‘Are you sure we don’t have any time?’ he said softly in her ear, unable to resist suckling gently on her earlobe – something he now knew was guaranteed to make her stay right where she was.  

Her low moan and almost incoherent reply as his hands found her breasts again was all the answer he needed. He took one finger and thumb, gently rolling one nipple in it, tweaking it slightly in the way she loved. His other hand slowly trailed down her body to rest between her legs which she couldn’t help but spread, letting one of his fingers tease her wet clit.

‘Cullen,’ she said hoarsely as he continued to gently let his index finger slide all around her wet outer lips before gently starting to rub her clit in circles. ‘This wasn’t….I mean…… this isn’t…what I…..expected….oh Maker,’ she stammered, her head falling back slightly as pleasure and heat started to take over her body.

‘Are you sure about that, Leaena?’ He maintained the pressure on her clit as he looked at her, his eyes devouring the sight of her soft naked curves, her flushed skin, her lips parted slightly as she breathed rapidly. ‘Because when you wander out here, naked, sit on my lap and you’re so wet I can feel you through my breeches, I’m inclined to think you had something else in mind.’

‘Guilty as charged,’ she said unsteadily, her eyes blazing blue flames as she let her gaze roam over him. ‘I fully intend on showing you in just a minute.’ He then placed two fingers firmly on either side of her clit, moving them faster. The shudder of pleasure she gave at the friction, and the feel of her wetness on his fingers made him even harder.

He moved her across his lap slightly, allowing him to slide a finger into her wet, soft heat slowly in and out, whilst he let his thumb continue to rub her clit in a circular motion. He maintained enough pressure for her to begin to move herself against his hand, wanting more.  ‘Patience my lady,‘ he chucked, before enjoying her breasts some more, moving to the other side to take that nipple in his mouth, sucking then teasing it with his teeth, starting to move his thumb just a bit faster.

‘I enjoyed last night, Leaena,’ he whispered into her ear after he’d kissed her deeply. ‘Just so you know the sight of you with my cock in your mouth, your tongue sliding up and down the length before you suck all of me, is going to be the image I use to make myself come when I’m on my own.’ Leaena gave a shuddering moan at his words, alternately biting his neck gently and kissing it as her fingers continued to dig deep into his shoulders.

Quickly, he slid two fingers inside her, pushing them high inside her, finding that spot that always had her needing more, flicking the tips against it just for a moment before keeping up his rhythmic motion in and out of her whilst still rubbing her clit, somewhat firmer this time. ‘Cullen….oh….,’ she gasped, one hand clenched into a fist, the other gripping him hard as he felt another wave of wetness on his hand.

Leaena was battling for control, desperate to feel him but unable to move from the sensations his fingers and thumb were creating against her clit and hot, tight core. She leaned against him breathing hard as she whispered in his ear. ‘The taste of you, the sight of your face as you shot your come in my mouth is what’s going to make me wet when you aren’t there.’

Cullen’s movement faltered slightly as he felt himself jerk, his lyrium roaring, demanding to have more of her while her magic called him, needing to feel him. Leaena’s eyes were now bright sparkling blue as she looked at him, rocking her hips against his hand. ‘I fucking love your fingers inside me, Cullen,’ she said, moaning slightly as he found his rhythm once more, fighting to concentrate. ‘But I’d prefer it to be your cock.’

‘Who am I to disappoint a lady?’ Cullen replied slowly as he removed his fingers from her, unable to resist tasting her from his fingers.

She stood shakily, needing to lean on the table, whilst he freed his cock from his breeches. ‘How….’ his words stopped completely as Leaena sat on top of him and took his cock inside her in one smooth motion, before starting to move her hips backwards and forwards, her hands gripping the chair behind him. The unexpected motion nearly made him completely lose control, so amazing did she feel. ‘Now this is what I had in mind,’ she said, a smile of pure sensuality playing across her lips.

‘Leaena….fuck, you feel so good,’ he growled at her, both of his hands holding her ass to slide her up and down his cock better. She was so hot, tight and wet around him, and he could feel her clenching her muscles so she could grip his cock harder. Her breasts were right before him as he captured one nipple in her mouth, feeling his own pleasure spike at the sound of her low cry, the feel of his tongue flicking across the hard nub making her need for him increase.

_You are beautiful, oh Maker, what did I do to deserve you?_

As she continued to ride him slowly, controlling the pace, he looked in her eyes, even brighter blue now, her magic flowing like quicksilver around his lyrium, feeling her love and her need for him. Cullen pulled her down to kiss her, feeling her moan in his mouth as she started to rock against him faster.

‘I love the feel of you, all hard inside me,’ Leaena whispered into his neck, her body shuddering as Cullen started to rub her clit for her, feeling she was about to reach her climax. Her eyes were dilated, an intense dark blue, her breathing becoming erratic as her body started to tense. She rode him faster and faster, as the sound of her wet lips meeting his body time and time again bought him closer to his own.

‘I love to see you like this,’ Cullen said, his voice rough with need as he moved his hips in time with hers, still circling her clit firmly with his thumb, ‘wet, ready, your whole body tense with wanting to….come….fuck, Leaena…’ he groaned, suddenly having to find his release, ‘I’m so close……’ He then felt immense satisfaction as her whole body seized and she let out a long cry, holding onto him tightly. He held her hips still, continuing to thrust inside her as seconds later he came as well.

They both sat there, holding each other, not moving, trembling from the strength of their respective orgasms. Leaena’s arms were clamped firmly round Cullen’s neck, enabling him to breathe in her light, floral scent as he held her tight, kissing her softly, letting her feel his love for her as his lyrium contentedly wound round her magic.

Slowly she sat up, stretching, as she reluctantly lifted herself off him. ‘I’m sorry I interrupted your work,’ she murmured, absently running one hand through his hair, teasing the ends with her fingers as she leaned against him.  

_Your hands on me, running your fingers through my hair is one of the most relaxing things I have ever felt._

‘I by far prefer having a naked Leaena in my lap than going through another dreary report. In fact, it’s not even a contest.’ She blushed as Cullen stood up, pulling her towards him, feeling her pleasure at his compliment mixed with her insecurity and discomfort with herself through her magic.

‘My lady, don’t feel awkward,’ he whispered as he hugged her, reassuring her, letting her take strength from him. ‘Don’t you know by now that you can tell me anything, explore anything you want to with me? I love you Leaena and I trust you implicitly.’

Her eyes lifted to his, brilliant blue, shining with love and trust, her former lack of confidence gone. ‘Thank you, Cullen. You are right, of course. It’s just…I, well, I always want you so much. I just wonder if you’ll get bored.’

_Bored???_

‘Leaena,’ he said softly, ‘all I see when I look at you is the most perfect woman in the world. You are stunningly beautiful, but it is more than that. It is what goes on in here,’ he touched her head, ‘that makes the whole package so devastating and irresistible. Permanently.’

‘As for being bored? My lady,’ he said softly, enjoying watching her eyes darken with desire again, feeling her want for him rise through her magic. ‘There is a whole world of fantasy to explore with you still. Have you forgotten our morning back in Haven? We are only just at the very beginning of our journey.’

‘You know just how to make me feel better about myself, Cullen,’ she smiled slowly at him. ‘I most certainly haven’t forgotten. In fact it is something that I have thought about….frequently when I’ve been on my own.’

He kissed her hard, feeling himself stir again, then looked at her. ‘If you carry on like that we really will end up doing nothing today.’

She sighed, taking his hand as they walked to the bedroom to get changed. ‘You are right. And it is also the more appealing prospect. But Maker, Cullen you are just so damned attractive. And very, very male,’ her gaze flickered over him again quickly with approval, leaving him in no doubt as to what she thought.

_This is my Leaena back now._

_I am glad she likes me. She isn’t the only one who gets insecure sometimes._

‘I am yours to command, Inquisitor,’ Cullen said with a laugh as he pulled on some fresh clothes. ‘And I recognise that light in your eyes so I will just remind you that we have a phylactery to dispose of.’

She sighed, nodding her agreement reluctantly as she put on some white linen trousers and a matching top.

‘So, our last day. What did you have in mind?’ he asked.

‘I was going to suggest packing a picnic and taking the horse to a rather beautiful cove further along. He’s sturdy enough that he can carry the two of us. It isn’t actually that far, maybe a twenty minute ride?’ Leaena had brushed out her hair and was winding it above her head before putting on a straw hat.

‘That sounds great,’ Cullen replied. ‘I’ll go saddle the horse if you get together what you want to take?’

‘I can do that yes,’ she said as she kissed him, then disappeared off to the kitchen.

\--------

‘This is lovely, Leaena, you were absolutely right.’ Cullen looked round the cove, again with another sandy beach but this time with lush greenery and trees right up to the shoreline.

_Maker, I may need another swim. Holding her against me for the last half an hour has been exquisite torture._

_And then we would just end up having sex again. Not that I would mind in the slightest, but I also want to just enjoy talking to her._

Feeling overly warm, he pulled off his top, just leaving on his breeches as Leaena did the same, revealing some sort of top that just covered her breasts but left the rest of her skin bare.

_Well not having sex just got an awful lot more difficult._

_How am I supposed to concentrate when she wears something as suggestive as that?_

Cullen felt her magic warm and her want for him rise in her as she sensed a wave of pure lust coursing through him. Her eyes widened slightly as she realised he had taken his shirt off, clearly enjoying what she saw.

Blushing slightly and with an effort to control himself, he went to help her lay out the food and drink on a rug, underneath the shade of one tree.

‘I can’t hide how I feel from you, my lady, nor do I want to,’ he said softly as he gave her a lingering kiss. ‘But really, you need to eat. You will need your strength for the coming mission.’

‘I am hungry,’ she admitted as she sat opposite him, passing him some ale as she filled her own mug. ‘So, phylactery. What do I do to get rid of it for once and for all?’

‘Nothing special actually,’ he replied. ‘You can just smash it somewhere and I’ll dispel the wards. Or you can tip it into the sea and then it’s the same thing – I’ll dispel whatever arises. I thought you might like to pour it away rather than just have your blood all over the ground somewhere. Then we can break the phylactery itself.’

‘And there was me thinking it was some hugely complicated process,’ Leaena said, a bit bemused. ‘There is so much mystery around phylacteries and to hear that ending my tie to it is so mundane? Can we do it now?’ she asked impulsively. ‘I don’t want to disrupt your lunch…’

‘Of course.’ Cullen rose to his feet, lifting the brightly glowing phylactery from his neck and passing it to her as they walked away from the cove for a bit and up onto some rocks directly facing the sea. He could feel the rise of her emotions as she held her phylactery, looking at it for a minute; the old fear, freedom, change, anticipation.  She opened it slowly, as he made a small gesture to remove the wards around the container.

‘There,’ he said gently. ‘Go ahead.’

Leaena poured her blood out into the sea, watching it slowly disperse in the waves that broke onto the rocks. She then lay the glass container on another rock before waving her hand, turning the whole thing molten then to liquid so it ran into the sea as well, making a slight noise as the heat hit the water.

The smile she gave him made his stomach tighten almost painfully at how much he loved her.

‘Thank you, Cullen. That is one of the best feelings I’ve ever had, to be free. And you gave it to me.’ Leaena’s eyes were ice-blue as she still held her magic into her, relishing in being able to cast, for the first time, with no censure or retribution.

‘You are welcome,’ he replied quietly, moved by the intensity of her feelings, as well as the strength of his own.

_I am sorry I was part of something that kept you in fear of your life. You, and so many others._

Shame, regret and anger clamoured in him for having so blindly followed a path for so long that led people to a life of fear and mistrust.

Leaena sensed his unrest, taking his hand and leading them back to their picnic. He reached for her magic, needing to feel her wrapped round his senses, taking comfort from her.

Reaching for a drink, he sat back, struggling to find the words, needing some time. She felt his conflict, desire to live versus the duty he swore first to the Chantry and now to the Inquisition. And what had happened to cause that divide within him.

_I can’t talk about that yet._

‘I stopped taking lyrium because I did not want to be bound to that life any more, as you know.’ Cullen said quietly, almost talking to himself as he looked out to the sea. ‘Innocent people died in the streets because of the actions of the Order. Because of my contribution to those actions. Shit,’ he said with frustration, running a hand through his hair, ‘how can I explain this?’

‘Just say what comes to mind,’ Leaena encouraged quietly, her magic singing gently to his senses, supporting him. ‘There is no right or wrong way when it comes to this kind of thing.’

He exhaled, taking a drink before continuing. ‘After Ferelden, I thought all mages were like the ones there. Dangerous, needing to be controlled. I had no reason to question Meredith, who shared the same views I did. She was my Knight-Commander. She encouraged my anger towards the mages, but she did know there was only so far I would go. So, as her second-in-command, she kept decisions from me – those I would question. But that doesn't mean I couldn't have done more.’

‘We had blood mages. She wasn’t wrong about that. And her methods were harsh but people were kept safe. Well,' he sighed, 'everyone but mages I suppose, looking back. I believed she was serving the city, so never thought to question her. Not until it was too late. I….I still feel I did too little, much too late. All the bloodshed, all the violence. It could have been prevented.’

‘I’m sorry you went through all that. It is not in your nature to be so angry,’ she said gently, considering her next words. ‘We like to learn the hard way, don’t we, us humans?’ she said musingly.

Cullen gave a wry chuckle. ‘You are not wrong in that, my lady.’ He looked at her, questioning. ‘How did you feel about visiting Kirkwall?’

‘Vile. Aside from the couple of beautiful spots you showed me. I left feeling dirty. I never want to go there ever again. And that had nothing to do with red lyrium,’ she said vehemently.

Leaena thought for a moment, biting her lip, trying to frame the words. ‘The destruction was far worse than anything I could have imagined. It was, as you said, broken. I do understand better now I’ve seen it. It was so apparent that one group held far too much power. Meredith should never have been allowed to run unchecked for so long. The Order should have realised its place was not in the running of a city and her superiors should have stepped in a long time ago.’

She shivered slightly as she remembered. ‘It is a hard, cold, unforgiving place. Oppressive. I was thinking to myself if I were a new apprentice for the Circle I would have been terrified to go there.’

‘To Templars like me, you mean,’ Cullen said, regret heavy in his voice. ‘I viewed every mage with suspicion. Mostly without cause. It was unworthy of me. I am trying to not but it is so hard to break so many years worth of conditioning, that magic is an evil that has to be contained.’

She reached out to hold his hand. ‘Cullen, it’s very difficult to challenge someone like Meredith. Particularly when she was manipulating you, blatantly pushing you to be as hard as possible to your charges. It sounds like, the longer you were there, the more internal conflict you battled. And remember,’ Lea said with emphasis, ‘you stopped it from being worse, which might be the most important thing. Do not forget that.’

He held her hand, smiling slightly. ‘How is it you always manage to make me feel a bit better about myself?’

‘Isn’t that what I am here for? To help and support you? Just like you do me?’ Leaena asked. ‘For fuck’s sake Cullen, how many times now have you had to carry me round unconscious in your arms? Keeping me safe?’ she said, somewhat ruefully. ‘It’s a habit I’d like to break around about now, by the way. It’s getting a bit embarrassing.’

He had to laugh at that. ‘I’d do it again if it meant I knew you were safe. Besides, haven’t you realised by now that being in my arms is where you belong?’

_That smile, the light in your eyes – they go a certain shade of blue, just like the ocean out there. And it’s only for me._

‘I hate leaving you,’ she whispered. ‘Every time I ride away to go do battle somewhere else, something inside me dies.’

_Maker, don’t I know it. We have double the pain. You feel mine and I feel yours._

Her magic had almost desperately reached for his senses, just then, needing to reassure herself that he was actually sitting in front of her. His lyrium calmed her, let her know he was here.

Leaena looked out to sea. ‘Come, walk with me a bit,’ she said, getting to her feet and holding her hand out to him.

They walked along the sandy bay for a few minutes in silence.

‘We all have things in our past we are not proud of, Cullen.’ Leaena looked up at him, considering her words. ‘All we can do now is atone for them. Try and build tolerance and understanding. The Inquisition is a gift for me too.’

Cullen blinked a bit. ‘So what did you do that was so terrible? I’m struggling to think of anything, my lady.’

‘Certainly nothing on the scale you have witnessed. But I affected many people adversely through my actions in the past,’ she said, her voice distant.

Leaena paused as she thought further. ‘Our Circle was relaxed, yes, but we still had the same bullshit as anywhere else. I was a vicious bitch for the most part if people tried so much as to get close. I used to use people, discard them. Played the power games. After the branding incident I trusted no one apart from Trystan. I was determined to get as powerful as possible, and into a position of power, so that could never happen to me.’

‘I was as ruthless as Vivienne.’ She sighed, a bit shakily. ‘I didn’t actually sleep with anyone to obtain my position or do anything dishonest – I had my limits and I wanted to be Senior Enchanter on my skills alone - but I broke some hearts, ended a couple of relationships to make my competitors weaker, manipulated several more. I wasn’t above using my looks and my body to get what I wanted. I was interested in no one but my family. I had no real friends. I didn’t care. My talent, my noble status had already marked me as different among my peers so I was already ostracised somewhat anyway.’

‘You’ve mentioned not being proud of your actions. Nor am I. I was that way when we first met. Interested in what you could give me rather than who you were. In my defence,’ a slight smile played around her lips at the memory, ‘that attitude probably lasted all of around a second as all my preconceptions of you were blown out of the water. But it still took me a while to not be that person any more, the one who only knows how to inflict pain and indifference, cut off from the rest of the world. I’m still learning.’

_My lady, I know all too well._

_We are so alike, you and I. Having to remake ourselves in this new world we are forging._

‘I, for one, do not recognise this person you are describing,’ Cullen stopped, tilting her chin up so he could look at her. ‘But I understand what you are saying. We have to adapt to our surroundings in order to survive. And no one was treated more cruelly than you. Is it any wonder you developed such a hard outer shell?’

Her deep blue eyes were filled with sadness, her magic gently winding around his lyrium seeking comfort. ‘Perhaps not. But humour me. See this through my eyes. Being a powerful mage can be as lonely an experience as a Templar. Particularly one who stands silently over his charges, not able to communicate with them, unable to explain his drive to keep them, and everyone else, safe. Needing to make sure the horrors of the past aren’t repeated.’

_How does she understand so quickly? How does she know?_

‘I’m not for one minute thinking my circumstances were anything as world-shaking as what you have experienced and I won’t pretend to understand what you have been through. That said, we were both victims of circumstance, Cullen. We now feel shame for our actions as a result of that, no matter how pointless it seems now. We both have things we want to make right.’

‘You are a mage. You should hate me. I let so many mages be made Tranquil. I supported stricter restrictions on mage freedoms. I stood there and let it happen, convinced I was doing the right thing. Meredith wielded the brand for such minor offences. And what did I do? Nothing.’ His voice had gone bitter.

All his failures were parading before his eyes as he looked at her. Kinloch Hold, Kirkwall, Haven. He couldn’t bear it, knowing there was no way for him to hide his anguish from her.   

‘I’ve gotten so used to mages disliking me on principle,’ Cullen said softly, looking out at the sea.

‘I’ve never disliked you on principle,’ Leaena said as her voice broke, her eyes filling with tears. ‘I hate to see you suffer. Yet it is a part of you, a part of what makes you the person you are. And you are a very special person, Cullen. To me, to your family, to everyone at the Inquisition.’

_My lady don’t cry. I’m not worth it._

‘I just…..I find it hard. To accept. To move on,’ he couldn’t help but touch her, wipe her tears away with his fingers, smoothing the skin over her face.

‘I have one question for you.’ She looked at him searchingly as he nodded. ‘Are you that same man you described just now?’

_I am. No. Am I?_

Memories of Haven flashed through Cullen’s mind: the instant impact he felt upon meeting her, holding her by the waterfall in the Hinterlands, her confronting the Chancellor, the look in her eyes with his dagger at her throat, sitting in the tavern laughing, by the frozen lake talking, her leaving the Chantry to save them all, feeling she was still alive, finding her in the snow.

It was the journey this woman had taken him on over all those months, helping him, challenging him to change into the person he was now becoming.

‘I am not,’ he replied, taking her face between his hands. ‘And I have you, and your love, to thank for saving me.’

He bent his head to kiss her, neither of them speaking for some time.

\------

They had ridden back slowly to the cottage. Cullen was still feeling shaken by the depth of emotion he had felt that afternoon.

_I never think about it. I never allow myself to._

_This feels so raw._

He knew that Leaena could sense he was feeling vulnerable, overwhelmed and guilty for the past, still struggling to forgive himself. She hadn’t said much on the way back, content to be sitting back against him as the horse walked them back.

‘I’m going to rinse myself down I think, if that’s ok with you?’ he said as he closed the gate to the field.

‘Of course,’ Leaena replied.  She gestured to the picnic. ‘I just have to put this away. I’ll see you when you are done.’

He shrugged out of his clothes, heading to the back and starting to pour water over himself, getting his hair clean first. He turned, suddenly feeling her near him, to see Leaena standing there, looking very nervous.

_Never be nervous, my lady. You can always come to me._

‘Would you prefer to be alone?’ she asked hesitantly. ‘I understand if you want some space.’

‘No! No….I……it is better with you here. I am sorry for being such poor company.’ He struggled to get the words out, his head feeling less than coherent.

_She’s naked. Of course things are better than they were five seconds ago. It would be impossible for them to not be._

She walked up to join him on the platform, putting a small basket of lotions down next to her and picking up some soap.

‘Might I?’ she gestured towards him with the bar. ‘I promise it isn’t floral and overpowering.’

‘Of course you can,’ he replied, swallowing slightly at her gentle touch, her hands sliding slowly over his body, a look of concentration on her face.

‘I…I know the conversation today was hard for you,’ she said softly, her hands lathering the soap on his chest, gently circling over his nipples before moving up to his shoulders. ‘I just wanted to describe something to you which I don’t think I have done before.’

At the feel of her light touch skimming over his nipples, Cullen breathed in slightly, keeping his hands clenched by his side, sensing she needed to do this, that she needed to feel him. As he needed her.

‘I have never told you what I see when I look at you,’ she whispered, her hands now kneading the muscles down each arm slightly, making him relax at how good the sensation was. ‘It’s a bit difficult because you can sense what I feel,’ she said smiling, ‘but that’s something different’

She had moved to stand round behind him now, using the soap to rub his neck and shoulders, starting to release the tension in his body, before reaching for some more water and pouring it over him. She then started on his back, circling her hands slowly, methodically across his skin.

_Nothing has felt this good. Nothing has felt this sensual._

‘When I see you, I see someone who has seen far too much of humanity at its worst. Someone who has lived through nightmares. But also, someone who is still living to tell the tale, willing to learn from it all.’

He shivered involuntarily at her words and as her fingernails traced over his lower back. He had no idea where Leaena wanted to go with this but found himself curious to hear what she had to say.

‘I see someone in conflict. Torn between his duty and his desires, and what he believes to be right. A conflict you have struggled with perhaps even as far back as taking your vows. And as a result, taken it out on yourself. Unfairly so.’

_She knows me. Better than I know myself._

Standing to face him again, biting her bottom lip as her hands floated down to his stomach, she continued to soap his body. This time his muscles did clench in pleasure at her light touch as he took a sharp breath.

‘I see strength. Inner strength. The wish to help others, to protect them from harm. You care.’ Her voice shook slightly as she looked at him, her eyes deep blue, her magic flying round his lyrium, holding it to her. ‘A man who has always tried to do the right thing. A man who is honest in his dealings with others. You have integrity, Cullen. It is a rare commodity these days.’

He couldn’t hide his erection from her, but it seemed somehow irrelevant. He continued to try and breathe slowly as she continued letting her hands move lower down his stomach, slipping them round the back to soap his ass and the tops of his thighs. The slow kneading of her fingers was increasingly relaxing him, her words, her musical voice soothing him – a balm to the wound he had opened inside himself today.

_It’s not about sex. It’s about healing. For both of us._

‘Might I return the favour, my lady?’ Cullen’s voice trembled as he fought the urge to touch her. She nodded silently as she continued to lather his upper body once more, sighing in pleasure as his hands started to soap her body as well. He started with her arms then let his hands massage her chest, slowly taking one breast in each hand, running a finger slowly around each nipple before sliding his hands to span her stomach, her waist. He couldn’t resist the sensation of her warm skin, unable to stop himself from letting his fingers move all over her now he could touch her.

She then kneeled down meaning he had to stop, her hands smoothing over his thighs and calves, her cool, light touch making his skin shiver. ‘I see a man who has retained his sense of humour.' Her voice continued to shake with the strength of her emotions. 'After all he’s been through, he can still laugh, and make others laugh as well. I often think if we cannot joke that’s when we lose hope.’

Leaena stood up again, her hands falling to her side, visibly shaking now as she reached for his cock, very slowly sliding her hand up and down his length, letting her other hand softly soap his balls, her fingers lightly stroking the sensitive skin. His breathing became unwittingly lighter and faster, the feel of her hand tight around his cock, moving so easily creating an almost unbearable, exquisite torture. It had driven every thought out of his mind aside from Leaena.

Cullen felt her nervousness at what she was doing, her desire for him, her sadness at what he had experienced, wanting to try and help somehow. He ran his hands down her sides, over her ass and round the tops of her thighs. He then let one soapy hand slide between her legs, marvelling at how wet she was already, loving how responsive her body was to his. Very lightly and slowly, he soaped between her legs, lightly rubbing his hand over her outer lips and clit.

‘Do you know what I see most of all?’ she whispered, her voice as unsteady as her body, shaking harder at the feel of his hand on her clit and lips. Her eyes were a deep blue, holding his own, burning with that blue flame of need, tears near the surface as she felt his inner turmoil.

He couldn’t speak, he was so focussed on Leaena and the incredible friction she had created with one hand still slowly stroking his cock and the other cupping his balls, her words filtering slowly through his brain, settling like ice cold flakes of snow, cooling his guilt, anger and sense of failure.

‘I see a man who has the greatest capacity to love, and to be loved, that I’ve ever met. You love me with an intensity that makes me so glad I’m alive to have the joy of experiencing it, to be worthy of you.’

Cullen kissed her then, deeply, passionately, not letting anything hold him back, his tongue meeting hers, lifting both hands to her face to hold her closer to him. She put both arms round his waist, kissing him back hard, breathless, wanting to savour the taste of him.

_Berries. She tastes of berries. Like the ones I used to pick as a child._

As he lifted his head to look at her again, she went to pick up some water to rinse him off. The light touch of her hand made his muscles contract across his stomach, and he didn’t miss her involuntary intake of breath as she watched them move. She was pouring the water slowly down his body letting her hand stroke his cock firmly before slipping down over his balls to caress those. Cullen felt his body give a shudder at the sensation of her warm hand wrapping around him with the cold water, his breathing becoming unsteady.

He then rinsed her, letting his hand slide slowly over her breasts, taking each one in his hand as he poured water over them, watching her nipples harden against the chill. His hand slid slowly between her legs as he washed off the soap, letting his thumb flicker over her clit as he moved his hand away, feeling her grab him for support as she gasped at the sensation, her body shaking even harder.

He swung her into his arms and walked her down to the bed as she held onto him around his neck, burying her head into his shoulder, kissing him gently. ‘I want to see you,’ she whispered as he set her down then lay flat on the bed. Leaena straddled him immediately, Cullen letting out a groan at the feel of her hot, tight core wrapped entirely around his cock, her wetness already starting to run down his balls.

She didn’t move, letting her hands run over his stomach again, teasing the fine line of hair that ran down his navel. ‘I love this view of you, your stomach, your arms, your face, all together,’ she said, smiling as he ran his hands over her hips and up her stomach to tease her nipples, flicking his thumb over them slowly.

‘I’m rather particular to my view as well. It’s not often beauty on the outside matches what is within, Leaena,’ he said softly, watching her lovely face blush at his compliment, her eyes focussed on his. ‘But you have achieved it. Excelled at it.’

‘Cullen….you know I’m not the only one who falls into that category,’ she murmured as she started to move her hips slowly against his body, rising to let his cock slide fully in and out of her, placing her hands on his chest as she moved.

 _Maker, I am not going to last long._  

He caught them, getting her to hold onto his hands whilst he braced his arms. She started to rock faster, her need to see him climax intent in her face. Her breath was coming shorter and shorter to her now as she raised her ass time and time again in the air to slide his cock in and out of her wet lips. He lay there, his hips rising to meet hers before he suddenly needed to feel her closer.

He placed her arms round his neck as he sat up, pulling her down hard onto his cock, his arms wrapped round her waist whilst his hands rested on her ass, helping her move as she increased her rhythm more, her legs wrapped around his waist, no movement apart from her hips sliding up and down faster and faster. He looked up at her, the sight of her lips parted as she struggled for breath, her eyes, bright blue, her magic dancing around his lyrium reflecting her feelings full of love, still full of sadness, hating that he was hurting, wanting to make it better.

_You do make it better. Just by being you._

‘You have saved me, time and time again, you protect me, guard me, make me laugh, hold me when I cry, tease me, put up with my faults. I want you like I’ve never wanted anything in my life before. I just….I love you.’ Leaena said, her voice shaking as she whispered by his ear, her breath floating across his skin as she held him tight.

Her words undid him. He had hold of her hips now as he moved harder into her, lifting her up and down on his cock, making her cry out in pleasure as he thrust fulling in and out of her. Unable to control himself, his climax suddenly hit him before hers. He couldn’t help but stop, shuddering, moaning into her shoulder. ‘I love you, oh Maker, I love you, Leaena.’

Leaena was still breathing heavily, trembling, having watched his face and body as he’d come. She had a smile on her face as she stroked his hair, holding him close. He lifted his face to hers, kissing her gently. ‘But you didn’t….’

‘It wasn’t about me,’ she said, holding a finger to his lips. ‘This was about you.’

He lay her down on the bed again holding her close to him as he stroked her hair and her face. ‘Thank you,’ he said simply, before going to kiss her again.

_Just when I think I can’t possibly love you any more, you do something that makes me fall even harder for you._

_And I’m not talking about the sex. You give yourself completely to me just to stop me from hating myself more._

_For you, I will do anything._

\-----

Early the next morning they left, stopping with Leaena’s sister for breakfast before setting sail back to Ferelden. Cullen sensed Leaena’s sadness at leaving, which just about matched his own. They had managed ten days in perfect idyll and seclusion as she had recovered from her red lyrium sickness.

_Ten days to get to know my Inquisitor even better. Her likes, her dislikes, her body, what makes her the unique woman she is._

_And still, I’ll never stop learning about her. It wasn’t nearly long enough._

‘Thank you for having me in your sanctuary, Leaena,’ he said softly, rewarded by her brilliant smile. ‘You are welcome, Cullen. Thank you for taking me there,’ she said in a low voice before looking forward to their destination.  

‘Corypheus waits. We will win and then we will be back,’ Leaena said with determination as the shore quickly receded behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One thought on this chapter - when Cullen says the line in the game about him getting used to mages hating him on principle I felt so sad for him as he was clearly hurt by the whole thing. For me, it was one of the most moving quotes.


	49. Getting to Know You

Lea picked up the note on the table, turning green as she read it. Wordlessly she handed it to Cullen.

‘By the Maker…..’ he cursed, looking across to her to see if she was alright.

‘What’s up? You alright Frosty?’ Varric asked, curious and concerned as to what had them both so upset.

‘I can’t be in this fucking place. Give me a moment,’ she glanced at Cullen before she went outside, unable to speak further.

_That silent communication they have is something to behold._

_I won’t even use it in my new book, it’s that unique. And because its Frosty._

‘The mayor flooded Old Crestwood to kill the refugees and villagers who had been infected by the Blight. Apparently to spare the rest of the villagers.’ Cullen couldn’t hide his horror.

‘That sorry bastard. He left before he could get caught,’ Blackwall said with contempt.

‘I knew he was nervous about more than the undead. Shit,’ Varric muttered, as they all headed outside.

Lea was standing away from the Mayor’s house, leaning against the wall as she looked out over the village. Cullen immediately went to her side, Lea automatically moving slightly closer him as she fought to control her distress and disgust.

‘I feel sick after that,’ she said, her voice harsh. ‘I know the Blight forced people to make impossible choices, but what happened to basic humanity? Compassion? Those claw marks in the cave….all those bodies….’ She angrily moved a hand over her eyes before her tears could fall.

Varric watched Cullen make a superhuman effort to not hold her in the face of her obvious distress, reluctant to cross the line between Commander and Inquisitor whilst they were all out in the field. Equally, he could see Lea battling with her instinctive need to feel his comfort and support by physically touching him.

_We wouldn’t mind if they did. Well, all aside from one of us that is._

_But it’s nice they make the effort._

‘What a sad mess. Will the Inquisition bring him in?’ Dorian asked her softly. She nodded.

‘Commander,’ she said, still looking out over the village. ‘I want your men to round up this….this monster and bring him in for judgement. Shit, I must write to Alistair as well and ask his permission, see what he wants to do.’

‘At once, Inquisitor,’ Cullen replied, concern for her written all over his face. ‘I will send the order today. Knowing Alistair, he’ll want to come and inspect the whole sorry situation for himself. He won’t have a problem with us apprehending the Mayor, however.’

‘Thank you. The families must be informed as well – we’ll wait to hear how Alistair wants to handle that. They are his subjects after all. Maker, what a nightmare.’ She shook her head as she turned to face the group.

‘Let’s get out of this accursed place and push on to our next campsite. We’ll just wait for our Commander to send a message at the keep. It’s early enough that we have the rest of the day to get there and Bull can head back to Skyhold. There’s enough of us to finish up here. We’ll go and see this Grey Warden tomorrow. Sound good?’ she looked at the other four questioningly.

They all nodded, no one really in the mood for conversation as they rode up to Caer Bronach.

‘We got you a keep, Commander,’ Lea said, her voice troubled as they went inside. ‘And look at what we uncovered. Would anyone have ever known the dark secret here if we hadn’t come along?’

‘I can’t regret it, Inquisitor. Truths such as these can never stay hidden, nor should they. It is what the Inquisition is all about,’ Cullen sighed. ‘Give me twenty minutes or so to get these orders off, my lady, then I’ll be ready to leave.’

‘That sounds fine. I am going to speak to Bull and clear my head if that’s alright. We’ll do a supply check with everyone once you’re done,’ she waved at all of them to relax as she walked over to Bull then disappearing up the keep once she’d spoken to him.

Varric dropped his pack, joining Dorian and Blackwall as Cullen went to speak to his lieutenant, part of the advance force that had waited at the village whilst they cleared the keep.

‘Will she be alright?’ Blackwall asked.

‘Our Inquisitor is made of stern stuff,’ Dorian replied. ‘In some convoluted twist of fate, she looks all the more better for having been poisoned by red lyrium rather than worse.’

Varric chuckled as he reached for a drink. ‘I think you’ll find, Sparkler, there’s other reasons she’s looking so much better.’

‘Very true. Throw in a strapping young Templar to the mix and there’s the perfect cure. Although I doubt she’d want to share it. A pity,’ Dorian flourished his hand in the air in Cullen’s general direction.

‘Your flippancy does you no credit, Dorian, nor does your disrespect to our Inquisitor and Commander. Although I guess it is something you are so used to you don’t know any other way to behave,’ Blackwall said disapprovingly as he walked off, Dorian’s mocking laughter following him.

_Doesn’t this guy get sarcasm? Or have a sense of humour?_

_Why am I bothering asking myself these questions? The man doesn’t reveal anything about himself. Aside from that one thing._

‘Well this trip is going to be fun,’ Varric murmured. ‘Between Cassandra wanting to put the pointy end of her sword through me, and you two not playing nice, Frosty’s not going to have anyone to bring with her on her missions.’

‘A Grey Warden who does nothing but hide in the Hinterlands recruiting in an area where there’s hardly anyone there?’ Dorian’s face was openly disbelieving. ‘Credit me with more intelligence than that. He’s obviously been clubbed in the head one too many times to be able to think of something more plausible, for all that he is a formidable warrior. Aside from the blindingly obvious, it’s another reason why our very lovely Inquisitor has the Commander here - to keep an eye on him. She doesn’t trust this ‘Grey Warden’ one bit.’

‘No, she doesn’t,’ Varric sighed, acknowledging the truth behind the mage’s words. ‘But Sparker, the more you antagonise him the harder it is for her. Fun though I know you find it to poke holes in his story, could you ease off a bit? For her sake, even if you can’t find it in yourself to give a dwarf a quiet life? Let Frosty deal with it. She knows something is not right.’

‘Oh, very well, I take your point,’ Dorian grumbled as he headed over to see Bull before they left. ‘I will endeavour to keep the conversation light. Wine, flowers, poetry. Although I doubt our supposed Warden friend has the ability to grasp the basics of civilised behaviour.’

Dorian pointedly looked at Varric before he left. ‘Speaking of easing off, don’t you think you should take some of your own advice?’

Varric shrugged. Dorian was right. He’d have to make his peace with Cassandra.

_Maker, this is getting complicated. So many different personalities. So many different people._

_And that’s just her companions. Frosty has to manage it all._

He was about to give Bianca a quick check over when he saw Lea walk back over to him, gesturing for Cullen to join them.

_It’s like she goes out of her way to get the most provocative armour she can find._

Varric knew Lea preferred a rogue’s close-fitting leather armour, finding it easier to fight in. This was a new set she’d ordered in Val Royaeux, but in navy blue and black this time, her staff shooting blue ice sparks behind her. The boots were different, black, shiny and finishing just above her knee, the jacket falling just below her hips.

_Curly must come close to a seizure every time he sees her in it._

He looked around the courtyard, laughing to himself ruefully at the impact their Inquisitor had on men wherever she went.

_She doesn’t realise, doesn’t even notice. She has eyes for only one person._

_I know what that feels like, Frosty. You are lucky, to have your soulmate so close to you. I don’t begrudge either of you that happiness though._

Varric shook his melancholy thoughts away. It didn’t help him in the slightest to dwell on the past and what might have been.

‘Are you done, Cullen?’ Lea asked, making Varric feel pleased she was at ease around him enough to drop the formality she felt was necessary.

_They should be able to relax around us. Life is too short._

‘Yes, all finished. I’ve sent that request for you. What’s the problem?’ he asked as he reached them both.

‘There is a locked door in my keep and I want to know why,’ she said angrily. ‘I also heard some conversation that has left me disturbed. Varric, can you get it open?’

‘I’m your door-opening dwarf, Inquisitor,’ he replied cheerfully.

‘Good. Come with me, both of you. We need to be quiet.’ She walked them to a set of stairs that had a locked door on the other side, gesturing for Varric to pick the lock.

Snatches of conversation could be heard but he was too focussed to listen. The lock clicked into place and they all snuck inside.

_Oh she’s pissed._

Varric only heard something about some lady and her handler having her throat slit three days ago, which was more than enough to send their Inquisitor into a red rage.

Cullen put a hand to her back to calm her. ‘They are carrying out orders, Leaena,’ he whispered.

She nodded curtly in acknowledgement, then strode forward.

‘Inquisitor!’ one of them stuttered as she stood before them, arms folded, an eyebrow raised.

‘We were just having a quick game….’ Another one tried to explain.

‘I haven’t got a problem with that,’ she said frostily. ‘I have a problem with locked doors in my own keep. Next time, leave it open.’

‘Yes, Inquisitor,’ the first replied as Lea walked away.

‘Brown nose…’ she just heard that bit from another spy as she walked off. Lea was back at the table in a flash.

‘Show some respect in front of the Inquisitor, Agent!’ Cullen snapped. ‘Report to me when you return to Skyhold. I will determine your punishment then.’

_That was your best parade ground bark, Curly. Not bad._

‘Brown nose what, Agent?’ Lea hissed as she reached the hapless spy, already pale from having been reprimanded by the Commander. ‘For following an order? Is that something you have a problem with or do you only follow ones that call for death and mayhem? Because if that’s the case, I look forward to seeing you on the front line next time our armies march.’

‘No…no Inquisitor,’ the agent stammered back.

‘Good. I will remember you. And this little conversation. You will face the consequences if you fail to see Commander Rutherford immediately upon your return.’ Lea walked off, still furious.

‘Cullen, for fucks sake, what did I talk about only a few days ago? This is terrible!’ She was visibly shaken, stopping to sit as they reached the courtyard. ‘I’m not naïve, I get that cloak and dagger and that kind of thing happens, but isn’t it supposed to be a last resort, not our first method of persuasion? Did I miss something somewhere? And their attitude! What the fuck!’

‘Leaena, I know,’ Cullen replied as he rubbed the back of his neck in frustration. ‘Both Josephine and I have battled her over it in the past. You have to rein her in. She won’t listen otherwise. Since the Divine’s death she’s been harder and that has to change.’

‘Is an assassin-happy Sypmaster causing you problems, Frosty?’ Varric asked. ‘I have heard rumours that the Inquisition is getting a ruthless reputation. And her spies take their lead from her in terms of behaviour.’

‘I disappear for two weeks and this is the kind of shit I come back to,’ she muttered. ‘I greatly admire Leliana but I don’t understand what is going on with her and her agents. They have a difficult job and they need to be tough, but not when you, Cullen and I of all people are standing there in front of them! Damn it this is not the Inquisition I want to build!’

She exhaled slowly, trying to control her anger, thinking furiously. ‘Can we get to that Warden today?’ she asked. ‘We’ve cleared all the fade rifts, opened the can of worms which is Old Crestwood, destroyed those Red Templars….’

‘Bandits, Butcher and dragon,’ Varric added. ‘That’s all we have to do.’

‘I can’t be bothered with a dragon this trip. Bull would never forgive me anyway. Let’s move out, set up this last camp and finish those small jobs on our way to the Warden. With any luck we can start riding for Skhold later this afternoon. Thanks Varric for opening that door.’ Lea sighed. ‘At least I know now. It is my fault for having been so stupid in the first place as to blow a red lyrium node up in my face, to not be around when I was needed.’

Lea walked off to round up the others whilst Cullen and Varric started organising their gear. He hadn’t had a chance to chat to the other man yet, things having been so busy since they arrived at Crestwood.

‘Is she truly better?’ he asked Cullen. ‘Because she was in the shit in the Storm Coast. I don’t want to see her like that again.’

‘You don’t want to know what she was like when I found her in Kirkwall,’ Cullen said quietly. ‘I was frightened for a couple of days. She is doing well now physically. But she’s angry and upset with herself at putting you all in danger, and the time she’s cost the Inquisition.’

‘This would have happened with Leliana anyway,’ Varric replied, confused. ‘She has nothing to feel guilty for in the Storm Coast either.’

‘I know, but she feels her responsibility strongly, you know that.’ Cullen shrugged. ‘We can but be there for her. I’ve appreciated the opportunity to have so much time with her….I met her sister too,’ he chuckled as he remembered.

‘Caya? Not one to mess with,’ Varric grimaced. ‘I’ve come off the wrong end of our business dealings on more than one occasion. She’s a beautiful woman and happy to use that to manipulate me into shaving ten percent off my profits,’ he gave a theatrical sigh at the memory as Cullen laughed, more relaxed than Varric had ever seen him before.

‘He is like no Grey Warden I’ve met,’ Cullen said suddenly, looking across at the solitary figure sat in the courtyard. ‘Lea spent quite a lot of time with him before we left Skyhold and is in two minds. I’m not comfortable with him being the only warrior in your party - something doesn’t ring true. He is hiding or lying about something. How can he have been in Ferelden during the Blight? Only Alistair and Freya remained after Ostagar. But I may have no choice in the matter. I must return to Skyhold tomorrow if Leaena hasn’t finished up here – I can’t delay things any longer.’

‘He shares little of himself,’ Varric agreed. ‘But we’ll manage, Curly. We’ll watch out for her.’

Cullen nodded, Varric able to guess at his extreme reluctance to leave Lea’s side after what she’d been through.

At that moment Lea had approached Blackwall who’d gone to sit not far from where Varric and Cullen were right now before they walked towards them both. She couldn’t hide the look of pleasure and love as she saw Cullen standing there.

Varric winced.

_And it’s not because of you Frosty._

_Shit, did he see? No. We’re safe for now. The last thing we need is that complication._

‘Let’s get moving to the camp,’ Lea said as Dorian joined as well. ‘Got everything, potions, blah blah…?’

\------

‘I want to go back to Skyhold,’ Lea said stubbornly as she passed a report back to Cullen. ‘Do you have any idea how done I am with the Storm Coast? It is a Maker-forsaken place with nothing going for it. Not even a smidgen. I have things I need to see to back at the fortress as well.’

‘Inquisitor, it is always your choice,’ Cullen said calmly. ‘But these darkspawn are going to cause a real problem if we don’t address it. And you are the only one in a position to do so. There are no Grey Wardens left in Ferelden aside from the King and Blackwall. Do you want Alistair to go and deal with it on his own? Particularly after what we heard about the Calling today?’

_I’m impressed at how he's handling this. He didn't once interfere with her leadership in Crestwood, and she let him lead our attack on the fort. These guys truly are a team._

_And now, she doesn’t want to leave you, nor you her._ _But you’re still going to get her to do what needs doing. Duty over desire. It should be our motto. Each and every one of us is living it, after all._

They were all sat round the fire at the end of the day as they always did. The visit to meet the Grey Warden Stroud had taken place.

_Now that was a Grey Warden._

Nathalie and he had agreed to meet them out in the Western Approach where all the other Wardens were gathering. Every one of them hearing the Calling to go to their death. It would take a few weeks for that to come together and Lea had been looking forward to some time at Skyhold.

‘It will only take us a few extra days, Frosty,’ Varric added. ‘It is only a day’s ride away from here. We’ll be back before you know it.’

‘Give me some humidity please, before thrusting me back into the frost of the mountain air,’ Doran gestured dramatically, making her smile.

Lea said nothing, reaching for a piece of toffee as she considered their words.

‘Blackwall, you must be hearing the Calling too?’ she asked.

‘I do not fear the Calling, Inquisitor, and worrying about it only gives it power,’ he replied firmly. ‘Anything Corypheus does will only strengthen my resolve.’

_Nice, evasive answer there._

‘Fine,’ she sighed, bowing to the inevitable. ‘Alistair owes me again and I shall take great pleasure in reminding him so when we next meet. We ride early tomorrow morning. Cullen, you’ll head straight back to Skyhold?’

‘I will. Josephine needs to set off to Nevarra and I cannot wait any more.’

_There it is, they are speaking without speaking. Incredible. I've never met a mage and a Templar who could bond so closely before._

_And their pain at having to be apart, even for a week, is so apparent even though they are trying to not show it. They can’t hide it from us though, not completely._

_I’d rather not be reminded of that kind of anguish. It never stops anyway._

They had made no secret of their relationship and, now they were in the relative privacy of camp, the two of them were a bit more open. Lea had flatly refused to have a separate tent, declaring them all to be adults and if someone had a problem to let her know to her face. No one, of course, complained.

‘Walk with me for a bit, Cullen?’ Lea asked as she rose to her feet.

‘Of course,’ he replied as he went to escort her.

_Oh shit. This time he saw._

_You know she gets this everywhere she goes. Don’t focus on this, Curly. Especially when you have to leave her. With someone you will now trust even less._

Cullen had looked back just as he was about to leave, in time to catch the look of longing and resignation on Blackwall’s face as he watched Lea walk away.

\------

‘That’s the last one sealed, Inquisitor,’ Blackwall called from the cave entrance.

‘Thank the Maker,’ Lea said, relieved. They were all exhausted after having ridden to the Storm Coast at a breakneck pace, she then immediately sending them out to locate and seal the darkspawn entrances. It had taken two solid days of traipsing over the unforgiving terrain and short but challenging battles, then Lea and Dorian working together to move planks and boulders to cover them up.

‘What time is it? Please, can we just ride out of here? I don’t have good memories of this place.’ She looked beseechingly at the other three.

‘I’m more than over being here,’ Varric said, whilst the other two nodded their agreement.

They picked their way to the path out of the area, stopping at the nearest Inquisition camp for her to check for messages before Lea let her horse have its head, wanting to put as much distance as she could between her and the Storm Coast. They rode hard for several hours, not stopping until it was completely dark.

_I miss you so much._

_Maker, this hurts like nothing I’ve experienced in my life, to be away from him. Ostwick almost made it even worse, knowing what I could have which now feels so far out of my reach._

‘We’re on the other side of Lake Calenhad now,’ Dorian confirmed. ‘If we have a good day tomorrow then we could even be back in Skyhold by nightfall.’

‘It’s been nearly a month since I was there,’ Lea mused, wrapping Cullen’s cloak around herself tightly, shivering a bit at the cool night air. ‘Can you believe it? No one will recognise me.’

‘I find that hard to believe, Inquisitor,’ Blackwall said. Lea completely missed Dorian rolling his eyes and Varric looking pained as she continued to stare at the fire, not really listening to what he’d said.

‘As soon as we’re back I need to challenge your Commander to a rematch, and beat him before he gets overly smug. There’ll be no living with him otherwise.’ Dorian was busy wiping his staff down as he looked over at Lea.

‘Cullen’s rather good at chess but I did manage to win last time. He was surprisingly gracious in his defeat,’ Lea said, smiling as she remembered.

_We were outside, just the noise of the sea in the background. It was night and I’d let some globes of light float around us. I was also a bit drunk. Never have I enjoyed a game of chess more, or my reward for victory._

‘Anyway,’ she said, reaching for her whiskey and toffee, not wanting to talk further, ‘I’m going to read my letters and then get some rest.’

Wishing them all a good night, she found a quiet spot and got herself comfortable, closing her eyes, images of Cullen as usual the first thing she saw.

Ostwick seemed a million miles away now, even though it had only been a couple of weeks since she and Cullen had left. The last day before they left had been a hugely intense, emotional experience for them both, but particularly for him. Lea hoped he was beginning to find some peace within himself.

_I hope he sees what I see in him._

All too quickly, the mantles of Inquisitor and Commander had enveloped them both, responsibility and duty weighing heavily.

_But at least we were together. It helped me transition after those magical days by the sea._

She had insisted on sharing a tent with him. Nothing had happened – there was no way either of them were interested in a whole camp hearing them make love, but Lea was not going to deny herself the pleasure of sleeping in his arms. Whilst they both felt the need to be formal when on Inquisition business, around the Inquisition’s companions she could relax.

_And taking the keep with him was an amazing experience._

It wasn’t just a sexual thing, although they both got that high too, left unsatisfied this time round. She loved being in battle alongside him, finding it an exhilarating experience. It enabled her to fully utilise her talents, everything she had trained for, by fighting alongside a master of his craft. And Cullen was the very best.

_I must get him to run some joint Templar and mage training sessions. We could perhaps join them, demonstrate how we make it work so well. He can develop his excellent idea for joint military units._

_Templars and mages working together, not against each other._

As for the spies and Leliana, Lea didn't want to think about that too much. There would be the most almighty row when she got back from Nevarra City. But Lea was determined to have it out with her. Their Spymaster was on a slippery slope down and it was Lea's job to stop her.

Her mind turned to her companions sitting in camp. Lea was glad she’d bought Blackwall along for the trip. It was glaringly apparent that he was no Grey Warden, but they all felt the need to keep up the pretence until solid evidence was provided to her as to what he was.

_We all have our secrets. We are all looking for our chance to atone. That is what the Inquisition brings us. Blackwall deserves that opportunity._

On his last night, she’d actually sensed jealousy and that male possessiveness from Cullen for the first time. He’d been adamant that he was just frustrated at having to leave her, which was true, but when he told her Blackwall had feelings for her, she’d looked at him incredulously for even giving it the time of day.

_It’s just an infatuation. It will pass. It happens all the time and I find it tedious._

_Cullen should know this. Half of the women in Skyhold fancy themselves in love with him and he dismisses it all the time as an irritant._

Lea told him he should ignore it just as she did. It meant nothing and in a few weeks the poor man would probably be embarrassed about having felt anything for her at all, particularly having made it so obvious.

_Especially when it will never be reciprocated. Even if wasn’t for Cullen I don’t go for men who lie and keep their identity hidden._

_He’s so grumpy. And he’s too beardy. And he’s not Cullen. So there’s an end to that._

_I’m sure there are plenty of women in Skyhold who would be more than happy to warm his bed. I just hope he moves onto one of them soon._

Cullen jealous was a new thing for her though and much more of an issue than some man who was attracted to her. In her past she would have used that and played the two men off against one another.

_Never again will I be that person. Nor could I hurt Cullen so badly as to do that._

She felt a bit ill at the thought.

_Maker, I hope he knows that I wouldn’t. He wasn’t pleased to leave me alone with Blackwall._

_Silly man. As if he has any competition._

Deciding the whole thing would blow over, she sat back, munching on some toffee, ready to enjoy her letter.

_Leaena,_

_It has been a busy time catching up on everything that has happened at Skyhold. We are still waiting for word from Leliana, so Josephine remains here at present. I am preparing for this grand march we will be having for Farris the Representative. I would prefer for it to be in Denerim, given the strength of our ties to the throne. If this is acceptable to you, Cadan and I will proceed, tying it in with something for the crown to show the strength of our partnership. Josephine is in a frenzy of designing beautiful armour with no practical purpose whatsoever. I haven’t the heart to stop her._

_I trust your mission has been successful to the Storm Coast. You know I have several misgivings about Blackwall but he is a capable and effective warrior so you should be physically safe, if nothing else. I leave it to your judgement as to whether you wish to utilise his skills in the future._

_Dagna, Solas and I had a conversation about the impact of stopping lyrium, you’ll be pleased to hear. It was illuminating. They want to speak to you about our connection further so I hope you won’t mind doing that. You mentioned in the past that you wanted to find more out about it, as do I - so here’s our chance._

_Your brother and Josephine have resolved their differences, I believe, although perhaps not to quite the level Cadan would prefer. I believe our Ambassador is proving elusive in that regard. With regards Trystan, our scouts still show his last movements being in the Hinterlands so hopefully he will feel able to come forward to us soon._

_I have also written a letter of thanks to Caya for her generosity and assistance. I know she is your family and perhaps that should not be necessary, but I wanted to formally acknowledge their support for the Inquisition._

_The time we spent in our cottage by the sea replays over in my mind, the precious memories we made helping to keep me warm whilst you are away. Now I am back at Skyhold I see shadows of you everywhere I turn, permanently reminding me that you are not here in my arms, where you should be._

_I have no clever words or pretty language, my lady, just the truth. I love you and I miss you beyond reason. Please hurry back to me._

_Maker watch over you._

_C_

Lea closed her eyes, holding his letter pressed hard to her chest, her heart sore from missing him as tears started to escape. 

_If I could ride now I would._

_If I ride I wouldn’t have the nightmares that have plagued me again since Cullen left._

_I would be there by morning. With him._

Lea opened her eyes and looked across to the camp, now in darkness, everyone asleep save for the patrolling guards. Walking quietly back to her tent, she firstly spoke to a guard who confirmed what she suspected, told them of her intention, and rapidly packed up her tent, replacing Cullen’s cloak with her own and strapping on her staff. She scribbled a quick note for Varric and left it attached to one of his tent pegs so he wouldn’t miss it. Finally, she saddled up her horse and loaded on her bags, before walking to the main road leading from Denerim.

The moon was shining brightly and the skies aglow with stars. It was perfect weather, clear, crisp and cold. Satisfied that she wouldn’t wake the camp and that visibility would be good, Lea mounted and immediately kicked her mare into a gallop, riding as fast as she possibly could towards Skyhold.


	50. Return

_Made it._

Lea squinted at the brightness of the morning sun hitting the snow around the peaks of Skyhold, feeling a bit wistful she couldn’t head straight to her lake for a swim.

_I’ve only been there the once. That wonderful night._

_And that’s the reason I am not stopping there now. I need to see him._

She set her horse to canter down the hill, her magic searching him out, calling to Cullen’s lyrium, needing to feel him. The forward guards had already sent word to raise the flag, showing the Inquisitor was arriving at the fortress.

_That’s funny, I normally sense him by nowI ._

It wasn’t until she reached the drawbridge itself that she suddenly felt the impact of his lyrium on her magic, her body trembling at the sensation. She felt his surprise, delight, anticipation at seeing her. Mainly, his love for her.

_But it’s different. Like the first time I saw him. His lyrium felt altered. This is the same._

_Why haven’t I noticed it before?_

Lea decided to think about it later. For now, she was too busy enjoying the feeling of his lyrium wrapping around her magic tightly, never wanting to let go.

_I’m finally near him. That long ride was worth every second._

_I missed you, my Commander._

She clattered into the courtyard, seeing Cullen right in front of her, smiling that half-smile she loved, the one that was just for her. His eyes were golden fire, devouring everything about her. When his hands touched her waist she felt that now-familiar jolt rush through her as her magic connected with his lyrium once more, demanding it be as close to him as possible.

_And I was only away a week. But Ostwick is still so fresh in my mind._

_It always will be. This separation thing will never get easier._

Every time she rode in she was oblivious to anything around her. Her only focus was him. He looked so handsome, impeccably turned out as always, his armour smart and shining, freshly shaven, not a hair out of place. She couldn’t wait to run her fingers along his jaw and savour the smoothness of his skin.

Except….he had shadows under his eyes. He had lines of discomfort round the corners of his mouth that hadn’t been there previously. His face looked a little thinner. He’d lost some of his tan from their days in Ostwick but that didn’t explain his pallor.

_Cullen, you don’t look well. What’s wrong?_

He was masking it, but Cullen had been struggling with something during their absence. He couldn’t hide from her. The question was, what?

‘You’re early, Inquisitor,’ he murmured, the slight break in his voice betraying the strength of his emotions behind his impassive expression. ‘Where is the rest of the party?’

_I know, I’m so relieved to be back with you as well._

‘They should be here by nightfall,’ Lea replied. ‘I…I rode overnight.’ She stammered slightly, blushing furiously. ‘I had to see you,’ she whispered.

‘You rode overnight on your own?’ he said incredulously.

‘Well, yes. You’ve done it, so why can’t I?’ She was taking so much pleasure in just being able to stand near him, to look at him, that initial impression of his pain washed away completely.

‘Come to my office first?’ he asked. ‘I have a meeting in ten minutes with my senior officers I can’t miss. But there is much to show you around the fortress since you’ve been away and you can see some of it now.’

She felt his happiness, his concern for her dominating everything. He needed to know she was safe, that she had been safe on such a long ride.

Gesturing to a groom to take her bags, Cullen led her towards the stairs to the battlements. ‘If you don’t mind a slightly longer walk, Inquisitor, this route should be a bit quieter so we can talk.’

_Talk? I have so much more than that in mind, Commander. As you well know._

Lea smiled as she felt her magic and his lyrium heat almost simultaneously as she remembered their last walk along the very top of the fortress, his searing kiss that had left her breathless. It had been the morning they’d explored the keep after his nightmare.

_Oh. I’m so sorry. They started up again for you as well?_

They reached the top of the stairs, Lea as ever captivated by the beauty of the mountains, the frozen lakes and rivers all lain out around the fortress.

Her heart and magic were singing as she felt his love, his desire for her, how much he had missed her, radiate out from his lyrium which was busily calling to her, entwined around her senses.

‘Cadan will join us later. I believe he has some meetings lined up with the Orlesians who have come to see us here. See, we’ve repaired this walkway now. Our patrols now have complete access.’ He took her hand as they walked, content once again to be in each other’s company.

‘You have all worked so hard to get the fortress to rights. Thank you.’ She turned to smile at him, her knees nearly turnng to water as she looked at him, fire shooting through her at the message in his eyes.

_I need you._

‘We do it for you, my lady,’ Cullen said softly, not bothering to hide how much he wanted her.

Lea felt that seductive heat building at her centre, slowly fanning out to spread across her lower abdomen. She felt his want spike in his lyrium as he continued to watch her.

She leant back against the battlements near his quarters, struggling to maintain her composure as she felt wave after wave of desire radiate from him, multiplying her own need. ‘The weather is good….we could talk…to thank people...’ Lea’s ramble faltered, not even knowing what she had said, unable to continue as she licked her lips slowly before biting her bottom lip.

Conversation was becoming redundant anyway, the more his gaze showed her what he was thinking. In the background Lea saw his officers lingering outside his office, whilst a patrol slowly approached them.

_I’m trying to do anything to stop myself from jumping on you._

_How long is this meeting of his going to last?_

‘It is a nice day,’ he agreed, his eyes never leaving hers.

_Because I could do with having you next to me, in bed, nothing on…preferably on top of me…._

‘What?’ Lea said distractedly, still focused on the last time they’d slept together.

He started to smile slowly as he saw her skin flush, able to feel her lust for him shooting through her.

‘Its…there was something you wished to discuss?’ Cullen’s gaze flickered across her body, lingering at her breasts and then her lips.

_I don’t want to talk, that’s for sure. But I think you know that._

_Why won’t these guards go away!_

‘Certainly not the weather,’ she murmured, feeling the heat of him as he moved to stand closer to her, now just a few inches away.

‘I assumed that much,’ he said, his voice getting lower as she felt his desire course through his lyrium.

_That’s good to know. The possibilities right now are endless._

_No guards! Finally._

Just as he was about to kiss her, one of his runners came up, calling his name.

Lea was alternating between embarrassment and laughter as Cullen ground out an order for the man to depart as fast as possible.

‘If you have to….’ her words were lost as Cullen suddenly kissed her for the first time since she had arrived, both hands on her neck, taking his time to explore her, his tongue lightly flickering over her lips. She let the tip of her tongue slide slowly next to his, her hands sliding up his arms. He was pressed up against her, Lea luxuriating in the feel of his hard, muscular body on hers once more.

_I love your strength._

_You even taste of fresh citrus, like my favourite summer fruits in one delicious mix._

‘I’m sorry. That was nice,' he whispered, not sounding sorry at all as he gently brushed the hair from her eyes with one hand, the other stroking her face.

_Nice?? That’s an understatement, Commander!_

‘That was what I wanted,’ Lea murmured, looking into his tawny amber-gold eyes, burning with his need, knowing he could see, feel the same within her.

‘Oh?’ his lips pulled into that half-smile she loved. ‘Good.’

_Thank the Maker. Less talking, more kissing._

_Although I’m never going to complain about your warm-toffee-whiskey voice saying, well, anything to me. And you kiss just as good as you sound._

‘You know I could spend all day kissing you, looking at you, talking to you,’ he sighed a few minutes later as he lifted his head, letting his arms fall to hold her around her waist, pulling her close to him. ‘I missed you, my lady.’

‘I missed you too. Like you wouldn’t believe. But you have to get to this meeting,’ Lea said, understanding as she rested her head against his chest, struggling to push her own desires to one side. ‘I have an idea. Why don’t I go and wait for you in your room and you just join me when you are done? I just need my work bought round.’

‘That sounds perfect. I shall get some breakfast sent up for you as well. Although, Inquisitor,’ Cullen said sternly, ‘I am not going to let you off the hook about riding overnight on your own.’

_Oops. I’m in trouble._

Lea had no chance to respond as they had reached his quarters. His papers were orderly and organised in that unique filing system that worked for him, and him only. He’d started to accumulate more books again too, a surprising number. They were haphazardly stacked on his shelves and on the floor.

_I have hardly ever spent time in a space which is all his._

‘Cullen, you can’t have your books like this,’ she gasped. ‘Let Dorian come and organise your library for you.’

‘I like it that way,’ he smiled at her, ignoring her protests.

Lea was not to be deterred. ‘How about if I do it? Books are so precious! Oh, can you please arrange for everyone to meet in the war room an hour after the rest of the party arrives?’ She automatically headed to the shelves to take a look, enjoying the sound of his laughter before he stepped outside to send the orders.

‘Right, my lady. Your papers and some food are on their way and we’re set for our meeting. Follow me,’ he said, holding out a hand.

‘Still no stairs installed, Commander?’ Lea laughed as she climbed the ladder, holding one of his books under her arm. ‘I’ve been wanting to read this for ages but I couldn’t find it – I hope you don’t mind if I steal it from you for a bit. How did you source it?’

‘There’s a bookseller in Redcliffe who has quite unusual stock. Which one do you have?’ She held it out to him. ‘ _Journeys of the Wardens_? That’s not bedtime reading, Leaena.’

‘If I want something frivolous I’ll read Varric’s books. This is far more interesting. Oh, you fixed the roof. Thank the Maker. I won’t get windblown. Urgh, my armour is so grubby.’ She waved a hand at the fireplace, setting it alight, unclasping her cloak and hanging it next to his before sitting down on the bed and pulling her boots off. ‘What did I do this time?’

Cullen’s eyes had softened as he watched her get settled. ‘I’m glad you feel comfortable here. It’s not as luxurious as your quarters but my space is your space. I hope you know that.’

‘I love being surrounded by your things,’ she smiled at him happily. ‘It’s cozy up here. And you know I don’t need palatial. I prefer simple.’

_Holy Andraste, don’t look at me like that or your officers will be waiting for you a whole lot longer than a few minutes._

‘I know. Make yourself at home.’ He stopped, wanting to say something further, struggling to find the right words. ‘What you did – it’s always your choice of course. It’s just - I worry about you, Leaena. I need to know that when I’m not with you that you’re safe, protected. It’s irrational and overbearing of me. I lose count of how often I say this but I can’t….’ he sighed, holding his arms out for her to come to him.

_I’m sorry. I don’t want to cause you even more worry._

_But I don’t regret doing anything that brings me to your side faster._

She rose and put her arms round his neck, kissing him gently as he held her tightly.

‘Cullen, don’t you think I feel the same way? When I heard you’d ridden to Val Royaeux overnight to search for my phylactery, I didn’t know whether to kiss you or hit you. That route is far from safe with the civil war going on, even when travelling under an Inquisition banner.’ Lea gave an involuntary shiver at the thought of what could have happened to him.

‘I just remembered that we had patrols with Alistair’s forces too all along the main highways in Ferelden so we could have people travel safely. I stuck to the road from Denerim and changed horses regularly. Those posting stations you’ve set up are very convenient by the way. The night was clear, the weather good. Andraste save me, but I couldn’t stay away from you a minute longer. I read your letter and I….I had to come back,’ she whispered as she lowered her head, her eyes dropping to the ground.

He tilted her face to his, kissing her slowly, gently. ‘I love you. I am glad you are here. And, for my sins and against my better judgement, I am relieved you came back earlier, that you took the risk. Just as I did for you. I have no censure for your actions, my lady.’

‘I love you too,’ she whispered as he reluctantly he let her go and headed to the ladder. ‘I will try and make this quick,’ he flashed a quick grin at her before heading downstairs.

Lea heard everyone come in and Cullen starting the meeting.

_I get to listen to you and that rather marvellous voice of yours at least._

He didn’t have too much up here – a dresser, a cupboard and a couple of trunks in addition to the bed itself. She looked down at her filthy armour, desperate to change. Starting with the top drawer, Lea was relieved to find his shirts at the top, before taking one out.

It felt a bit odd to be getting practically naked with all the Inquisition army leaders underneath her.

_It’s not funny Commander!_

_I still want you too. That kiss was hardly enough._

Cullen sensed her awkwardness and what had caused it. His amusement was mingled with a strong bolt of desire knowing she was clad in not much at all just above him, as his lyrium pulled her magic even closer to him.

Quickly pulling his shirt over her head, she climbed under the sheets and curled up in the middle of his bed with the book. She found it peaceful to just listen to Cullen’s voice, admiring how he so ably handled his officers.

_This is bliss. I can smell the woody citrus of him on these sheets as well._

_Shit, I forgot to ask him why he wasn’t feeling well._

Seconds later, she was asleep.

\-------

It was the most delightful sensation of being kissed awake that made Lea stir slowly. She stretched languidly, her body already humming with anticipation, her magic singing to his lyrium, demanding to feel more of him.

‘Leaena,’ Cullen whispered in her ear as he gently nibbled on her earlobe, lying fully dressed with his body against her back. ‘It’s time to wake up.’

‘If I pretend to be asleep, will you keep doing that?’ she mumbled sleepily, not wanting him to stop.

A throaty chuckle was her reply as his teeth and tongue continued to send shivers through her. One of his hands slowly moved over her body, slipping underneath the fabric of his shirt and finding her breasts, making Lea gasp in pleasure at the sensation.

‘I am going to make us late for your meeting. And I don’t really care,’ he said huskily, not stopping his thumb from caressing each nipple in turn, cupping each breast in his hand. He moved his other hand underneath her head, holding both her wrists so she couldn’t move from her position. ‘I missed the feel of you, my lady. And, just so you know, I intend to spend the rest of the evening and all night enjoying for real what I’ve been fantasising about whilst you were away.’

Lea could feel his erection pressing into her ass, instinctively moving against him, as she lifted one leg to drape over his. She pulled him closer to her, loving the feel of his hard cock against her skin. He gave a low groan, pushing himself against her more as he let his hand trace a path down her body.

‘Fantasising about what? I’m rather curious to see if they match mine.’ Her voice shaking slightly as he continued to let his fingers glide over her lower abdomen, skirting round her legs and trailing up to the very tops of her thighs, making her desperate for his touch on her clit. A touch he was currently denying her.

‘This was one,’ he whispered as he continued to tease her ear before kissing her neck again. His hand very lightly grazed her clit over her pants, allowing just a touch of pressure before ghosting away again. Lea let out a small moan of need, moving against him involuntarily as she tried to free her own hand to touch herself.

‘Always so impatient, my lady,’ he said softly, holding her wrists tight, pinning her legs between his. He had freed his cock, stroking himself slowly as she lay there, immobile, unable to see him yet able to feel everything. ‘What am I going to do with you?’

‘Don’t…stop,’ she gasped, almost begging, her body completely on fire, unable to move, barely able to speak, so consumed was she with how deliciously carnal the whole experience had become.

He lifted her shirt and pressed his cock up against her ass again, this time letting his hand go straight between her legs. His fingers stretched the cloth tight over her clit, letting his thumb slowly flicker over the swollen nub. ‘Cullen, holy shit…..’ she hissed as her body jerked at the incredible sensation he’d just created.

‘You don’t want other people hearing you get fucked now do you? Or maybe you do,’ he murmured as his teeth grazed her neck a bit harder, his thumb still teasing her clit over her pants. ‘You’re a bad girl, Inquisitor,’ he said, his voice suddenly thick with pure lust. He had just felt how his last words had made her pants soaking wet with the realisation that anyone could walk in and hear them both. ‘If I’d have known I would have found so many ways to make you come hard whilst we were in that tent.’

Lea’s breath was coming in fast gasps, knowing she wouldn’t be able to take much more of this exquisite torture Cullen was putting her through. She could feel his cock throbbing hard against her, his thumb continuing to rub her clit harder, then easing off again, not wanting her to come just yet. She tried to turn her head to see him then let out a wail of displeasure as he removed his hand completely from between her legs, going to stroke his cock once more.

‘Impatient again, Inquisitor?’ he whispered by her ear, still holding her firmly in one place. ‘You’ll have to tell me how much you want this. Because right now I’m not convinced.’

‘Cullen, please,’ she said raggedly, her whole being protesting the fact that his hand was not on her clit, his cock not inside her, everything trembling with how much she wanted him.

‘Please what, my lady?’ he whispered, teasing her earlobe once more, making her shake harder.

‘Please, fuck me, I need you inside me. I…don’t make me wait,’ she begged, almost crying with her need for him.

He lifted her leg over his once more, still holding onto her wrists as he pushed her pants to one side. Slowly he slid his cock into her wet tight heat whilst slipping his hand inside her pants to stroke her clit. Leaena cried out at the feeling of having him fully inside of her once more, bucking her hips against him, demanding more.

Cullen started to move slowly again inside of her, keeping his thumb hard on her clit, his breath becoming uneven. ‘I have thought about fucking you every single waking moment since I left you,’ his voice rough with his impending climax. ‘To have you here, in my bed, in my arms, wet with your need for me.’

Lea was so close, the pressure building faster and faster the harder he fucked her from behind, the steady sensation of his thumb rubbing her clit, the knowledge that they could get caught – and how erotic a thought that was  - building her up to one of her biggest orgasms ever. Her body was still held thoroughly in place by his, the fact that she was unable to control anything so unbelievably thrilling.

He was moving fast now, just the sounds of his shortened breathing and her mindless moans mingled with the noise of his cock against her wet entrance. Lea could sense he would not be able to hold out for much longer, his lyrium on such a high with her magic, able to feel how overwhelmingly he wanted her, needed her, loved her.

She suddenly felt herself explode inside, unable to stop a long moan as she came hard around his cock. ‘Fuck, oh fuck,’ she cried out, as he held her tight against him, grabbing her hips and pumping her harder, uncontrollably as he then came shortly afterwards. ‘Maker…..’ he shuddered, both arms now wrapped around her, holding her tight as she turned to kiss him deeply, needing to feel as much of him as possible after that most intense experience.

They both lay there quietly for a while as they wound down. Lea snuggled into his chest, delighted to be lying in his arms once more. Her magic was purring happily next to his lyrium, not prepared to move.

_Yes, it purrs. There’s no other way to describe it._

‘I’m sorry that didn’t last for too long,’ Cullen said, blushing as he kissed her hair. ‘I found that I couldn’t hold back at all, I needed you so much.’

_I love how you still get shy too, wanting to know it was ok._

‘I believe I was exactly the same,’ Lea laughed, kissing him. ‘You have nothing to worry about. Besides,’ she said, still shaking slightly, ‘that was one of the most illicitly thrilling sexual experiences I’ve ever had. I find I rather like being at your mercy, Commander.’

_Maker, it was unbelievable. I couldn’t even see by the end._

_And all because you are you._

‘That’s lucky,’ he said with a smile. ‘I might just want to have you like that again at some point.’

‘I would have no complaints.’ Her voice automatically lowered in anticipation at the thought.

She then sighed. ‘How late are we?’

He grinned. ‘Half an hour. Want to head over?’

‘I suppose so. It was my idea after all,’ she grimaced, looking around for her clothes, not bothering to tie her hair back, just putting a thick black hairband in her hair to hold it off her face. ‘I’m borrowing your shirt by the way, seeing as I haven’t made it to my room yet to change. And I blame our tardy arrival all on you.’

‘We will be even tardier if you insist on parading around with nothing more than that rather interesting black lace whatever you have over your breasts, and matching thing that is barely covering your ass. I may have to come over there and take them off you again. Slowly.’ Cullen made no effort to hide the fact he was unashamedly appreciative of his view.

_Hmmm. Interesting. I need to see what else I have._

‘So it will be your fault,’ she teased as she dragged on her trousers and his shirt before quickly pulling on her boots and grabbing her cloak. ‘You’d be the one undressing me so how could you blame it on me?’

‘With ease, my lady, when you are temptation incarnate,’ he laughed as he put his cloak on, then pulled her close to him for one last kiss. ‘Welcome back to Skyhold,’ Cullen said softly.

‘It’s good to be home. It’s good to be with you,’ Lea couldn’t stop smiling. They climbed down and he took her hand as they walked to the war room.

\------

_And again I forget to ask._

‘Shit,’ Lea said in frustration, stopping just before they got to the main hall. ‘Cullen, you looked really unwell this morning. And I couldn’t sense you until I was practically here. This may not be the time to ask, but are you ok?’

He said nothing for a moment, then smiled ruefully. ‘I can’t hide it can I? I was struggling with withdrawal symptoms this last week. Being away from you,’ he sighed. ‘It’s always worse when I am away from you.’

_Oh Maker, I make it worse?_

‘I’m sorry,’ Lea said, her heart contracting painfully at what he had been suffering. ‘Is there anything I can do?’

‘I’ll tell you about the conversation with Dagna and Solas after we’re done here. But I can endure it, Leaena. You know I will tell you and Cassandra the moment I think I can’t.’ His eyes had that haunted expression she had seen in the past.

‘You can do this, Cullen. I believe in you.’ She looked at him for a moment longer. ‘We’ll talk a bit more later, so long as you are sure you are ok.’

‘Leaena, with you here how could I not be? Honestly, I feel better.’ He kissed her forehead. ‘Let’s go. Everyone will be hungry and you know how cranky Bull and Sera get without food.’

She laughed as they walked into the main hall. ‘That’s very true. So let’s make this quick. I want to run through what is outstanding and work out the schedule for the next month – two if possible.’

‘For someone who scatters their work around a whole room, you are surprisingly well organised when it comes to the Inquisition calendar, my lady,’ he said blandly, his presence by her side meaning the multiple nobles vying for the Inquisitor’s attention didn’t dare approach.

_Which is fine by me. I am hardly dressed for hobnobbing and even less inclined to._

_All the more reason to have him by my side. Permanently if I can find a way._

‘Seriously, Commander, have you looked at your office recently? I seem to recall a similar discussion in Val Royaeux about exactly this subject. Pot and kettle springs to mind.’ Lea had to resist the urge to stick her tongue out at him in front of all these people.

‘I have no idea what you mean, Inquisitor. All I can recall is having to help you search for eleven reports that you had mistakenly put onto the kindling pile. And I’m not sure how much of a mistake it was either.’ He was unable to prevent a tiny grin from appearing as they finally made it to the door leading to the war room.

‘Oh! I’ll have you know I take all the reports I’m given very seriously! Even ones from Ser Morris,’ she said, stumbling a bit over that last line.

‘Really, Inquisitor? Or should I repeat your words to you about your quartermaster’s updates?’ he was properly laughing now.

‘Commander, honestly, I just don’t need to know the amount of turnips Skyhold has at any one given time,’ she huffed as they walked into the War Room.

_Well, that’s my happy bubble burst._

She stopped suddenly when she saw Vivienne sitting there, regal as a queen, arrogant as the most expensive courtesan in Val Royaeux.

_Which she is. Except I’d use a different word to describe it.._

_She was not invited here. What is her motivation? Is she about to make her move?_

Lea felt Cullen’s lyrium calling her magic to him, sending her reassurance, comfort and his strength. She could sense him encouraging her, just to proceed as they had discussed.

_Ok that ended his happy bubble._

A shot of pure territorial possessiveness raging through his lyrium nearly had her falling as Cullen had looked at Blackwall when they walked in. It was quickly followed up by anger at another man having the affront to so openly covet her, and then jealousy, because Blackwall had been there when he couldn’t be.

_Maker, we need to talk about this. It seems so unlike him to be practically murderous._

_Or not. Cullen has a darker side, everyone does. You know this. Stop being naïve and deal with it._

Most people fortunately were sitting around talking, not having noticed anything amiss. She spied Cadan next to Josephine. Giving a wave to the Ambassador, Lea moved forward to meet her twin. She looked at Cullen, at the back leaning against the wall. He gave her a small smile, indicating she should go.

_He’s still angry._

Her magic was reassuring him, holding his lyrium close, but it didn’t for once seem to help much even though he wanted more and more of her, his lyrium winding tightly round her magic, not letting it go.

‘It is so good to see you Lea,’ Cadan returned her hug. ‘There is so much to catch up on. Shall we head to the tavern later after this is done?’

‘Yes let’s,’ Lea smiled, her happiness restored somewhat. ‘Caya sends her love and Mother wants to know why you haven’t written.’

He rolled his eyes. ‘Maker’s Breath, does she not realise who I am in service to?’

‘You should get Alistair to pen it. I’ve been enjoying reading his correspondence recently. Oh Maker, that reminds me,’ Lea sobered as she remembered the Mayor. ‘Did you get word to him about what happened at Crestwood?’

‘I did and he will go there for himself. He wants to see the villagers, to offer his condolences and see what rebuilding can be done. What a mess.’ Cadan gestured towards a report. ‘Here, have a read when you are done. It outlines his intentions.’

‘He is a good man,’ Lea said softly as she quickly looked at what the King intended to do in Crestwood. ‘Is there any word on Freya? I thought she was coming home soon?’

Cadan sighed. ‘Don’t ask. He’s devastated. She can’t make it back yet, some other thing needs following up.’

‘Oh that’s awful. I hope she makes it soon. Poor Alistair.’ Lea felt sad, then recalled where she was.

‘We’ll talk later. Let’s get this out of the way.’

She smiled at everyone in the room, calling the meeting to attention.

‘Welcome all. I’m sorry we are starting late – I confess I was fast asleep so please forgive me. It has been some time since we were all together…..’

\-----

‘Leliana arrives back this week and then, Josephine you will set off to Nevarra. Cullen will remain here for a bit – but you need to go and see Arl Tegan. That repatriation thing that Alistair mentioned is finally here. Also you wanted to inspect that new route near the Fallow Mire didn’t you?’ Lea was chewing on her quill again as she made notes, Josephine moving pieces around on the map to show their most up to date situation.

‘And then, of course, there is this grand military parade through Denerim. How is that going and do I need to be there?’ She looked expectantly at Cadan and Cullen.

‘It’s going well and yes you need to be there,’ Cadan replied. ‘All of the Inquisition senior leadership do. We have it scheduled for the end of this month.’

‘What to wear,’ Lea muttered to herself. ‘Josephine I need to talk to you about something appropriate to wear to these kind of events. My robes are no more.’

‘Of course, Inquisitor,’ she replied cheerfully.

‘And as for us,’ Lea gestured to her companions. ‘We are going to have a well-deserved break for a few weeks. There are some short excursions into the Hinterlands we need to do – namely your rogue Templar, Cassandra. But aside from that we are playing a waiting game. I need that intelligence on Samson’s movements before I commit more resource to the Emerald Graves, Cullen, but we’ll go as soon as we receive it.’

He nodded. ‘I am anticipating that my scouts will return in the next two weeks. I should have more then.’

‘As for Emprise du Lyon and the Exalted Plains – well I’m not risking going near so much red lyrium right now and I want more indication as to what is happening in Val Royaeux before we traipse into the middle of a civil war. There has been nothing on this proposed meeting with Celene and Gaspard or the assassination attempt?’ Cullen and Josephine shook their heads.

‘Leliana may have more but she wouldn’t have anything major that we don’t,’ Josephine confirmed.

‘Alright. By the way, before I forget, I want a meeting with just the four of us as soon as possible after she arrives, please. Anyway, then the final piece is the Western Approach. That will take weeks. We can be ready to move as soon as Nathalie gives us the go ahead. Which means, team, we have some rest time owed to us.’ She gave them all a brilliant smile.

_That went better than I expected._

‘Well done for all your hard work so far. Ferelden is looking in pretty good shape in terms of Inquisition influence and achievements. We now need to look to Orlais and bring them onside. Are there any questions? No? Well, have a good evening everyone and thank you for your time.’ She paused as everyone started to filter out of the room, looking at the map intently. ‘Cassandra, could you wait a moment, please?’

‘Of course, Inquisitor. How may I assist?’ Cassandra asked politely.

_She thinks I mistrust Blackwall too much. For a Seeker she is remarkably, well, un-seekery._

_The man is about as much a Grey Warden as I am Empress of Orlais._

‘I want to finish up with this rogue Templar, Ser Rebenger Torn, near that old mercenary keep. It should just be an overnight trip. When can we go?’ Lea was impatient to finish up all her outstanding jobs so she could enjoy some study time at the keep, whilst focussing on building the Inquisition’s influence.

_And be with Cullen. That goes without saying._

‘We could leave any time, Inquisitor,’ the Seeker said, looking at the map. ‘If it is such a short trip, shall we go the day after tomorrow?’

‘That would work,’ Lea said, considering. ‘You, me, Varric and Sera will ride. I have yet to work with her and am keen to see how she is in the field. Her Red Jenny contacts have been helpful so far. Thank you, Cassandra. I shall see you later.’

The Seeker nodded as she walked off. Lea looked over to see Cullen and Cadan waiting for her.

‘That was very well done, Inquisitor.’ She blushed a bit, pleased to have Cullen’s approval. ‘Shall we go eat? Cadan assures me he’s picking up the tab this evening.’

‘Well, House Trevelyan can at least,’ Cadan grinned. ‘How did you find the family’s seaside home, Cullen?’

‘Large. And you have another estate in Ostwick itself?’ he asked as the three of them headed to the tavern.

_I’m so blessed to be with two of my favourite men in the world. The question is, where is the third?_

_Where are you Trystan?_


	51. Withdrawal

‘They are my agents, for me to deal with when matters arise that threaten the Inquisition,’ Leliana said angrily, refusing to acknowledge Leaena’s damning critique of her recent handling of affairs.

‘Did I blink and miss it or are you the Inquisitor all of a sudden?’ Leaena retorted. ‘I think you’ll find, Sister Leliana, that they are my agents, not yours. And I am not at all impressed with how frequently you find murder and torture an appropriate way to deal with the many varied situations that cross your desk. The significant amount of respect I have for you is fast eroding because of your recent actions.’

‘Inquisitor, I forget how sheltered you must have been in the Circle,’ Leliana spat sarcastically at her. ‘In the real world, this is how we get things done. Or do you want people to see the Inquisition as a joke, to not take us seriously because we’re too busy worrying about inconsequential matters?’

_Oh dear, Leliana. For someone normally so astute, you should know that’s not the way to handle our Inquisitor._

_What has happened to you?_

Cullen and Josephine were standing back a little from the raging argument that had been going for the last twenty minutes. His Inquisitor, never blessed with a huge amount of patience at the best of times, had lost what she had left with Leliana quite some time ago.

Josephine looked across to him, concerned, making a gesture to the door, wondering if they should leave. He shook his head slightly. If Leaena wanted them to go she would have said. To leave now would give Leliana a power she didn’t have or deserve.

Leaena stared stonily at the spymaster, saying nothing, letting her silence speak for her. The other woman was too experienced to fidget but Cullen could see some slight discomfort around her eyes after her hasty words, knowing she had gone too far.

‘Really? You of all people should know that what I experienced in the Circle was representative of the very best any spymaster could hope to achieve. So I can only presume that it is your knowledge that is lacking, not mine. Which, given your recent behaviour, would explain a lot.’ Leaena’s voice was soft with her steely undertones leaving Leliana in no doubt of her displeasure.

‘Let us review this again.’ Her voice was icy as she started to recite some of the Nightingale's worst excesses. ‘You threatened a member of my own family with assassins. He’s certainly annoying, but that was not what Caya had in mind when she approached you. You severely embarrassed the Inquisition by your actions, and House Trevelyan is hardly without influence across Thedas. You can count yourself fortunate that it has gone no further, my sister being prepared to say nothing on the subject.’

‘You wanted to send assassins after a man killed one of your agents and it was only because I intervened that more blood was not spilled. You suggested we cut out the tongue of a bard because of the negativity they were spreading about the Inquisition. As if no criticism of us could ever be tolerated. I am not running a fucking dictatorship here, Leliana!’ Leaena’s voice rose in frustration, refusing to give her spymaster any quarter. ‘If people criticise us, which is their right to do so, then we need to show them why what we do is so important and win them to our side. As for the sorry situation at Caer Bronach….’

‘Cullen, next time you want to upbraid one of my agents you instead will come to me first,’ Leliana snapped angrily, losing her composure, wanting to ignore Leaena’s harsh criticism.

_For fuck’s sake. Don’t you dare drag me into this._

‘Oh, button it, Leliana,’ Cullen said irritably. ‘If you want to play that game I am happy to provide you with a long list that shows the amount of times your agents have interfered with my orders, to my troops, on your command. I suggest you drop this particular argument because you won’t win.’

‘I don’t appreciate being interrupted.’ Leaena’s voice cracked like a whip, forcing Leliana to look at her. ‘Your point is also irrelevant. But while we are on the subject, I expect any one of you to stand in place of the other out in the field when dealing with insubordination, or anything else that affects the Inquisition adversely.’

_She’s subsided but she’s furious, unable to process what Leaena is saying._

Leaena refused to stop, making Leliana listen to her words. ‘We are creating a new world here, one of tolerance and understanding, communication and cooperation. Where the Inquisition is respected because of what we do to help others, not feared because people could die for the slightest misdemeanour. You may not have lived in a universe like the one you’re describing, but I have. And I’ve no intention of forcing it on anyone else.’

‘But that’s not how…’ Leliana tried to say something, stuttering to a halt as Leaena cut her off.

‘Change your attitude, Leliana. The one you currently have does not become you. Nor is it reflective of the person you truly are.’ She lifted her left hand, the green glow dancing faintly under her skin, her voice unforgiving as she finished with the errant Nightingale. ‘I will also remind you that I am the only person in this room who is irreplaceable. Cross that line again and I will find another spymaster.’

_Very well done, my lady. You grow in strength and wisdom every day. I am so proud of you._

‘Inquisitor…’ Leliana had paled visibly, stunned by Leaena’s very real threat, finding herself lost for words.

Leaena picked up her papers, throwing a letter across the table to Leliana. ‘This arrived for you today in my mail. I’ve done you the courtesy of not reading your personal post. From now on I expect you to respect my privacy, and that of your fellow advisors, as I have done yours. Open my correspondence again and I’ll have you on the next caravan to Andraste’s Ear faster than you can blink. You can spend the rest of your life serving those less fortunate instead.’

She looked around the room at all three of them, no one of them moving. ‘Are we finished? Good. Cullen, come and join me in Solas’ study when you are ready to speak to him and Dagna. I shall see you in an hour, Josephine, to look through those wardrobe choices for the grand parade. Thank you for your time.’ Leaena turned and left the room, shutting the door firmly behind her.

The three of them waited silently for a moment before Josephine looked at him, wondering what they did next. He shrugged, picking up his notes. Leaena was correct with every single thing she had said. It wasn’t for him to interfere with her decisions.

Leliana was finally shocked into silence by Leaena’s final words, the reality that the Inquisitor thought so poorly of her actions she would consider replacing her sinking in.

‘Sorry Cullen,’ she said quietly as he was about to leave. ‘I should not have bought that up. My agent was in the wrong.’

‘It is of no matter, Leliana,’ he replied, not wishing to be drawn on the subject further and wanting to move on. 

_We all do it and we all need guidance to get back on the right path._

She had shakily opened the letter, quickly scanning its contents. ‘Maker’s Breath!’ she said in astonishment just before he opened the door.

‘What is it?’ Josephine had gone to stand over her shoulder to look.

‘It’s from Divine Justinia.’ Leliana was visibly distressed now. ‘It was to be delivered to me after her death.’

_Perhaps now you may find some closure and move on._

_The person you were becoming was one I could neither admire nor respect._

‘I must attend this meeting with the Inquisitor, so I shall leave you both now. I hope there is something you find helpful in her message, Leliana.’ He nodded at them both and left.

Pausing in the main hall to get a drink, he focussed on the upcoming session.

_I didn’t lie to you, my lady, about having withdrawal symptoms._

_Maker save me, I just don’t want you to know how severe they can be. I don’t want you to worry._

He had gone into detail with both Dagna and Solas about the withdrawal and sworn them to secrecy – his one condition on exploring this further. The rather bizarre dwarf had been overly excited the more she had heard. She’d declared him a fascinating subject, convinced they would find a way to help him and run off muttering about lyrium songs.

_I forget what a dry sense of humour Solas has. He hides it so well._

The elf had made some useful suggestions to help him manage his nightmares and his paranoia, as well as giving him a potion that could stop the worst of his tremors during the day if they got too bad.

_He also recommended I be completely upfront with Leaena about what it is like. He reminded me of what happened last time._

_I will. Soon._

Cullen knew he needed to be completely honest with her. The last thing he wanted was a repeat of what happened on the Storm Coast. They were due to ride together later today to the Hinterlands, where he would leave her for two days whilst he fully inspected the damage at Redcliffe, before going to inspect the new route across the mountains. As a result of that effort by Leaena, his soldiers and healers now held her in complete devotion.

_Once I am back, we will talk. Cadan is here so I don’t need to worry about her so much._

_And thank the Maker that Cassandra is joining her on this little expedition rather than that lecherous, lying bastard._

Cullen felt his mood go dark as he considered Leaena's companion. He and Leaena had spoken about Blackwall again several times, Leaena knowing his hostility towards the other man.

_She says it is just infatuation. I couldn’t give a shit what it was. He can go and crave someone else. He’s a liar and a manipulator and I won’t tolerate him near her._

_And if he looks at her the way he did that evening I will make sure he never has the opportunity to do so again._

It hadn’t helped that Leaena in that meeting looked exactly like the beautiful, passionate creature she was, having literally just left his bed. He was quite sure people guessed why they had been late but, thank the Maker, no one had said anything. Well, aside from Bull giving him a broad wink that had sent heat straight to his face.

They were in agreement that Blackwall was not a Grey Warden at all. Leaena, for reasons he couldn’t understand, had decided to give him a chance to stay with the Inquisition, no matter how much he’d argued against it.

_She spouted something about everyone deserving the chance to atone._

_She doesn’t even trust him, has no intention of taking him out on missions. So why the fuck keep him here?_

Cullen had passed Blackwall to one of his captains to help with training so he wouldn’t have to deal with him too much directly. It was somewhat cowardly of him but he felt it better to have that distance rather than risk punching the other warrior in the face.

He let out a frustrated groan as he started walking to Solas’ study. Cullen wasn’t one prone to jealousy - well at least he hadn’t been until Leaena.

_I trust her, implicitly. It’s just him._

_He wants her. If Leaena thinks that man wouldn’t try it on given the first opportunity then she’s living in a dream world._

And that was what he had a problem with. Because he couldn’t always be with her. Protect her. Particularly given what she had been through in her past. He knew she attracted attention wherever she went and it normally didn’t bother him. But there was something very intimate and personal when her group were on missions together that took any infatuation to a different level. This was not a normal scenario.

Leaena could sense his disquiet and she had been trying to reassure him every time he felt that spike of irrational jealousy and possessiveness. For the first time it made little difference. There was nothing she could do about it short of banishing Blackwall forever. And that she refused to do.

He sighed. It wasn’t just that the man was lusting after her – it was that he couldn’t be trusted. The whole thing was out of his hands.

_Besides, she isn’t going to take him out._

_She promised me._

\------

‘Welcome, Commander,’ Solas said as he made it into the elf’s study. ‘Please take a seat.’

‘I’m sorry I’m a little late,’ he replied. ‘There were some outstanding items that I had to address first.’

Leaena gave him a brilliant smile. ‘I’ve been explaining to Dagna and Solas how our connection functions.’

He sat back, finding it difficult to share what was such a personal thing between them, but curious to find out more.

‘Carry on, Inquisitor,’ Dagna said, her eyes bright. ‘This is truly exciting. Who would have thought that such a thing was possible?’

Leaena frowned, biting her lip as she found the words. ‘I sense his feelings. That’s the best way of putting it. I don’t know what he is actually thinking in terms of words but I can sense anger, happiness, pain, sadness, joy, excitement – all the range of emotions that anyone has. And then, it is quite easy to interpret what he’s thinking. And vice-versa.’ She looked at him expectantly.

Cullen nodded. ‘We can, essentially, have a whole conversation and not speak. I know where Leaena is at any given time, within a certain radius. It was more effective than her phylactery to find her, truth be told. And when I found her phylactery I was able to still hear her magic singing to me.’

‘It sang?’ Dagna said sharply. ‘Like lyrium sings?’

That seductive, corrupted whispering of lyrium, permanently calling for more with every breath he took?

‘It’s similar,’ he said cautiously. ‘But not quite the same. But yes, it sings. That’s the only way I can describe it.’

‘No, of course it wouldn’t be the same,’ she replied, scribbling down notes. ‘The lyrium you take is processed. And raw lyrium sings to the miners. You know the link between the Fade and lyrium?’

They both nodded as Solas spoke. ‘Magic is drawn from The Fade of course. Which is essentially raw lyrium and dark rocks in its most basic form. All mages can sense each other just as they can Templars. What is interesting here is how this has managed to grow so strong between you. Whether it has to do with the impact of Lea’s Mark we have yet to determine.’

‘What happens as the lyrium leaves my body?’ Cullen asked.

_I didn’t want to ask but I had to._

‘Then the connection will most likely end.’ Dagna was blunt. ‘I’m sure you need to have something within you in order for Lea’s magic to interact with you. Although there has been some debate around whether it is lyrium which grants Templars their abilities or whether lyrium merely enhances it. From my research even King Alistair cast some doubt as to whether lyrium was strictly necessary. You’d be the best judge of that, Commander. And don’t get me started on the Seekers. All that said, I can’t guarantee it one way or the other but I’d be prepared for it to stop.’ the dwarf finished in her usual rush.

_I’m so sorry, my lady._

He could feel her anguish, felt she was trying to compose herself in front of the others. Also her encouragement, even through her pain, for him to continue, to persevere.

‘You can but wait and see, da’len,’ Solas said to her gently, recognising her inner turmoil.

‘It’s stupid of me but I never questioned why my magic actually sang,’ Leaena said absently, trying to make normal conversation. ‘It’s the lyrium in the Fade, isn’t it?’

‘I’d say mine talks to me rather than sings,’ Solas smiled. ‘You know the Fade. It is different for everyone. How your magic feels inside you is unique to each individual, although it still has the same properties, of course. And one of those is some way of calling to you.’

 _Hers reflects who she is._ _Singing, dancing, happy._

‘Well thank you both,’ she said, as Cullen also got to his feet. ‘I appreciate your honesty, Dagna and Solas. It is better to know than to not and would explain why I struggled to sense you the other day. The good sign is, therefore, that the lyrium within you must be reducing?’ She looked at Cullen hopefully.

‘There’s no way to tell yet,’ Dagna replied. ‘But there should be a reduction in symptoms the more the lyrium leaves his bloodstream. You should be over the worst, Commander, but reports vary wildly as to how long it will take to completely leave you. Another waiting game, I’m afraid.’

‘Solas could you please tell Josephine I will speak to her tomorrow when I return?’ Leaena asked the elf, her tone demonstrating how much she needed to be alone.

‘Thank you both,’ Cullen said as he and Leaena headed up to his tower.

He didn’t need to speak, instead just letting her feel his sadness at losing a part of her one day.

Closing the door and making sure he’d locked it, he took her in his arms as she started to cry, kissing her head, holding her tight.

‘How am I going to communicate everything to you?’ Leaena hiccuped through her tears. ‘How am I going to cope, when I can’t feel your encouragement, your strength, supporting me? Shit, I am a selfish bitch, to be thinking of what is best for me! But I feel fucking terrified, Cullen!'

‘Leaena, no, you aren’t selfish. To have you there, always near even though you were the other side of the fortress? To know I could call for you and you would respond immediately? To know you were safe? Being able to feel you has helped me battle this lyrium withdrawal in a way you can’t begin to imagine.’ He could do nothing but keep his arms around her, overwhelmed by his own pain and hers.

_This is harder than I ever thought it would be._

‘The good thing is though, that your lyrium must have reduced significantly now.’ She looked up, her blue eyes still filled with tears although she was trying to be cheerful.

_It doesn’t feel like it has reduced at all sometimes, if the symptoms are anything to go by._

_Maker, will this torment never end?_

‘I would still trade our connection to ensure you had your sanity, Cullen. I can’t lose you either, you know. If you ever take lyrium again I will do…I don’t know. Something terrible. Like put your armour away differently.’ She raised one hand to wipe her tears away, faltering as he did it for her instead.

They stood for a while, just holding each other, saying nothing, waiting for the storm of emotion to pass.

‘We’ll find a way, won’t we?’ Leaena whispered after a time. 'Maker, I can't process this right now.'

‘We will have to learn how to actually talk to each other, my lady,’ Cullen gave her a smile before kissing her. ‘I still have you. And that is all that matters.’

‘You are right, of course. I am being hugely self-absorbent here. But I am so used to feeling you and the security that give me.....and now I have to leave you again. Even for such a short time,’ she sighed. ‘I almost want everything to happen now so we can get Corypheus dead and this over and done with.’

‘Well, finishing these jobs in the Hinterlands is a step forward in that direction. And you will manage, as you always do. Are you ready to depart?’ He reached for her cloak and placed it round her shoulders.

‘Yes, my bags are down by the stables already. What did you think of our earlier meeting with Leliana?’ She followed him out of his office as they walked down to the courtyard.  

‘I think she got the message eventually, thank the Maker. You did well, Leaena. It is good to know that my post won’t be read any more. And that letter you gave to her? It was from Divine Justinia,’ he replied, unable to resist smiling as he felt her pleasure at his praise.

‘Really! I wonder what it said?’ she mused. ‘Oh here we are. Hello everyone, are we ready?’

_One day at a time._

It was something Cullen had repeated time and time again to himself since he decided to leave the Order and stop the lyrium. And now he’d have to include the loss of his connection to Leaena as it began to erode. Doing his best to ignore the twist of pain in his heart, he followed the rest of the group as they made their way out of Skyhold.


	52. Lost and Found

Cassandra looked over at the Inquisitor and Commander as they rode down towards Redcliffe. Something had happened that was causing them both a great deal of pain, although neither of them would discuss it openly.

‘What’s wrong with them?’ she whispered to Varric.

‘Gossiping, Seeker? I would have expected better of you,’ Varric replied dryly.

‘You are correct, Varric,’ Cassandra said hastily, feeling a bit embarrassed. ‘It is just…I need to keep an eye on things for Cullen. At his request. And I need to know if something has impacted on him at all.’

Varric sighed. ‘Truth be told, I have no idea. Although, given the way Frosty looked when she came out of Solas’ room I suspect it has something to do with either Cullen’s lyrium situation or the connection they have. You know they have been talking to Dagna about it.’

_Their connection. It must be ending as Cullen stops taking lyrium._

_Maker, she is so dependent on it. As is he._

Sera had remained uncharacteristically quiet, her eyes wide as she looked around the countryside of the Hinterlands.

‘Are you alright, Sera?’ Cassandra asked. ‘You have said little on our journey thus far.’

‘Erm….yeah…spaces, innit. Big. Open. Needs clouds,’ the elf muttered before subsiding once more.

The group gave the two some privacy as they waited to head down to the southernmost Inquisition camp by the forest. When Lea rode past them, one hand over her mouth, her hair covering her face as she tried to hide her tears, no one said anything as they quickly galloped after her.

Arriving at camp just before dusk, with no break, Cassandra was grateful to have some respite from the punishing travelling schedule the Inquisitor had set. They quickly set up their tents, preparing for an early night. Concerned still, she looked over to where Lea was sitting.

_She is so beautiful. But she looks so fragile._

Lea looked surprisingly young in the dim light of the fire, her knees drawn up and her chin resting on top, even though Cassanda knew the two of them were not far apart in age. She had managed to compose herself on the journey and was now settled with a drink, listening to the rather strange conversation between Varric and Sera.

_She is hurting badly although she doesn’t want us to see it._

_And it is not just because she is away from him._

Lea and Cullen had been open from the start with everyone about their relationship, preferring to be honest rather than hide. It was a strategy that had benefited them thus far, particularly as they were always professional when on Inquisition business, relaxing somewhat within her inner circle. That, however, was as far as it went.  They were both intensely private people. Neither of them discussed the other with anyone else.

Cassandra exhaled slowly. The Inquisitor had to learn to share more – she couldn’t keep all of her emotions bottled up forever.

_That’s all well and good but does she trust anyone enough to talk?_

_We will have to try. This could become bad for her otherwise._

‘So, what’s with the huge cloak? Drowning in something, you are,’ Sera said, her mouth full of Lea’s toffee.

‘It’s his. Stupid though it may sound, it brings me closer to him,’ she said simply, unconsciously pulling it closer around her.  

‘You do what you want Frosty. Buttercup here is just irked because I won’t let her play with Bianca,’ Varric said with a grin as he stripped his weapon down for cleaning.

‘Who names their bow anyway? It’s just a thing. That’s stupid.’ Sera stuck her tongue out at him.

‘It’s a crossbow,’ he explained with exaggerated patience. ‘One of a kind. And far smarter than current company.’

‘Gosh, thanks Varric,’ Lea murmured with a small smile.

‘Oh kiss it already. And tell Booty, Coaty and….Other Booty, I’m real sorry.’ Sera mumbled as she ate more toffee.

Varric shrugged. ‘We’re a forgiving family.’

‘Urgh!’ Sera said in disgust as a dragonfly came near her. ‘Too much space, too many creepy crawlies wanting to eat me. Bed's the best bet. Don’t bring me here again, yeah?’

‘Night night Buttercup, I’ll make sure the bears don’t come and eat you,’ Varric called after her. Her reply was muffled, with mutterings of ‘arrows’ all anyone could hear.

Cassandra sat down, not missing Varric’s look of concern as he looked at Lea.

‘We try to be forgiving anyway,’ Lea said softly after a while. ‘Everyone is dealing with so much even without the end of the world on their plates. If we can’t be there for each other, to support each other, then there’s no faster way for Corypheus to beat us. And Maker knows I am not the best person to lead by example when it comes to kissing and making up. But I’m trying.’

_I must ask._

‘Lea,’ Cassandra said hesitantly. ‘Are you alright? Is there anything we can do to help?’

Lea looked at the Seeker, her eyes such pools of pain Cassandra felt it right to her stomach.

_She is frightened. All over again._

‘No, I’m not,’ she said quietly, looking at the fire.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Varric asked her gently.

Lea sat in silence for a moment. ‘Of course not,’ she said with a wry smile. ‘When do any of us want to talk about something painful? But I think I need to. And it’s you two. You know me, Cullen, us. We’ve all been through a lot together since the Breach, haven’t we?’

‘I’m glad you trust us, Inquisitor,’ Cassandra reassured her.

She exhaled slowly, nodding. ‘We spoke to Dagna and Solas before leaving about Cullen’s lyrium withdrawal. We were both also very interested to know how it was possible for us to have such a strong connection as it is quite unheard of. It is one of those rare cases you mentioned, Cassandra. And I fully admit - it was a question I did not want an answer to.’

‘You both understand how magic works. Well, it would seem that mine speaks, calls to the lyrium within him so we can sense what feelings the other has. And, now he no longer takes lyrium, that connection will be lost.’ She closed her eyes a second, visibly battling tears.

_For such a powerful woman, our Inquisitor is still fighting demons in her head that leave her emotions in tatters._

_She’s going to lose that support, that reassurance that she’s come to rely on that she is doing the right thing._

‘You could argue it’s a small thing. We just have to actually speak rather than rely on this alternative form of communication we have,’ she said, her voice now unable to hide her sorrow. ‘It’s just…..I struggle at the best of times when it is cut off and now….to know it soon will be gone completely?’

‘I’m scared of how I will manage. When we faced down Vivienne, for example, I could not have done it without actually feeling his support within my magic. If it hadn’t been for our connection, him being able to let me know he wasn’t there to harm me, there would have been a pitched battle between the two of us in the streets of Kirkwall. I was a breath away from attacking him, I was so convinced he was hunting me as an apostate. Cullen would have had no choice but to fight back until someone was killed. Red lyrium could have cost the Inquisition its leader and its Commander in one fell swoop.’ Lea voice was now shaking as she remembered, but unable to stop herself from talking.

Varric looked aghast at her mention of how bad her red lyrium-induced paranoia had become, but they both sat, saying nothing, letting her talk it out.

‘I am overly dependent on Cullen, I know this, and I have to find my own confidence. It isn’t fair to the Inquisition or to him, even though he doesn’t mind – I think he feels it is his job to protect me, if that makes sense. I know it gives him a huge amount of…peace I guess, to know that I am safe. He always needs to know that I’m not possessed or my magic hasn't gone crazy. Kirkwall seemed difficult for him in that regard.’ She rubbed her forehead and her eyes in agitation.

_Maker, he has still not told her about Kinloch Hold._

_Oh Cullen, you need to talk too. Or you will never be able to move forward._

‘And the worst thing is, selfish cow that I am, I was more concerned with how I was going to be able to cope rather than what he might be going through. I still have my magic, I can still feel it dance through my veins, an essential part of what makes Leaena Trevelyan who she is. He is going through fuck knows what to not be tied to that evil stuff any longer, and here I am worrying about myself.’ The self-loathing in Lea’s voice was evident as she scowled, furious with herself.

Varric and Cassandra looked at each other helplessly. This was the Lea they remembered from Val Royaeux, and that Varric had witnessed in the Storm Coast. Neither were pleased to see this side of her back.

_Her whole body is a coil of anxiety._

_I hoped she was better. A discovery such as this could set her back._

She was no good at conversation, but her foolish romantic soul demanded a happy ending, not a tragedy, between these two. If Lea wanted to talk, Cassandra could listen. And try to help.

‘You are in shock, Lea,’ Cassandra said gently. ‘Something that you heavily depend on is being taken away bit by bit. It is natural for you to worry, given what you have been through. You crave that security that you can always feel when he is near. But you do yourself a disservice. You are far stronger than you realise. With time, this will ease for you.’

‘Frosty, it’s shit. There’s no softening this.’ Varric said, his voice filled with compassion. ‘To be so entwined with someone you love….it’s a blessing. And sometimes a curse. Because when something comes along to disrupt that balance, your whole world suddenly turns upside down. You have to learn how to live all over again. And that process is painful. But it will be worth it.’

_Varric, what have you been through, to understand so well?_

‘You are not a bad person, Lea, or inept. You are out in the field more often than not, representing the Inquisition with no Commander there to support you. You are already doing this. And very successfully. You can manage it, you know.’ Cassandra was firm in her praise, wanting Lea to know it was possible.

‘It was just his helplessness….to feel his inability to do anything to help me, at how anxious I suddenly became….I started to panic like I haven’t done since Val Royaeux.’ She tailed off, her voice small, scared.

‘The guy was a Templar, Frosty. It’s what they do, make bad shit go away.’ Varric reached for some whiskey before continuing. ‘You know he’s also a control freak about anything when it comes to do with your safety, to the point of paranoia. To not be able to do anything about something he perceives is a threat to you is going to be driving him nuts.’

Lea nodded, considering his words.

‘Anything that changes, challenges even, the very basic nature of your relationship will feel like a danger to you. It is how you overcome it that will be important. But you will. What is the alternative?’ Cassandra unwittingly accepted the drink Varric offered her, for once with no acerbic comment back to the dwarf.

‘To not be with Cullen at all?’ Lea’s face filled with horror. ‘I can’t even imagine it. I know, you are both right. I think I am still just trying to process everything. My default position is terror. I’ve spent my life being protected. First my family, now him. It’s hard to step out and try looking after myself, even though logically I am perfectly capable of doing so.’ She shook her head in frustration. ‘Shit, there is nothing rational about any of this.’

‘Can I ask,’ Cassandra said hesitantly. ‘What is it like? To always know someone else’s feelings?’

‘You’d think it was invasive wouldn’t you,’ Lea mused after thinking for a moment. ‘It took some getting used to. There’s no such thing as privacy. Or lying. So it has its bonuses there. I don’t mind – I have nothing to hide from Cullen after all. Now it is just part of both of us, like breathing, an unconscious action that we do automatically. We could probably go days without actually talking if we wanted to.’ Her expression brightened for a moment. ‘I’ll be able to surprise him. That will be nice. It’s not all bad is it?’

‘Of course it isn’t,’ Varric replied. ‘Nothing is ever that bad at the end of the day. Corypheus aside, of course.’

‘How does your magic react, Lea?’ Cassandra enquired with curiosity. ‘Is it something you control given you draw from the Fade?’  

She bit her lip thinking hard. ‘It is as if my magic acts independently from me. I can’t control what it does when it comes into contact with the lyrium within him – it is almost like a separate entity. We know too little about lyrium and how it interacts with the Fade, to be honest. The Chantry has kept that sewn up tight for so long. And I carry within me my magic, and the Mark, which is probably what caused this whole thing in the first place. So there’s a lot of unknowns at play. The scholar in me is fascinated by what is going on,’ she finished with a rueful smile.

‘Lyrium in its normal form is bad enough,’ Varric said with a grimace. ‘It’s such powerful stuff. Controlling and manipulative.’

‘Templars and their leash,’ Cassandra agreed. ‘That temptation for mages to have more and more magic. For too long has the Chantry been using it to control those in the Order, to manipulate the power balance for mages. Cullen is to be commended for what he is doing, setting a different example.’

‘Did you know that my brother-in-law has stopped lyrium too? After speaking with Cullen? It makes me so proud to know he’s showing others that it can be done, that there is a different way.’ Lea smiled softly. ‘I haven’t told him of that yet actually – he will be pleased.’

‘And probably deny knowledge of having done anything at all,’ Cassandra laughed. ‘Our Commander can be modest.’

‘Except about chess,’ Varric grumbled. ‘Leliana is going to shiv him one of these days, he gets so smug about beating her so often.’

_She is looking better, thank the Maker. That initial panic and anxiety seems to have past._

They all laughed at that. ‘I heard she’d tried to cheat,’ Lea chuckled. ‘I suspect she won’t be doing that for some time to come.’ Her face sobered. ‘You should both know that we had a rather heated discussion in the War Room today. But I anticipate that we should be seeing our old Nightingale restored to us soon.’

‘Well done, Frosty,’ Varric said approvingly. ‘It’s never good to have a blade-happy madwoman at the head of your intelligence arm.’

‘I wouldn’t go as far as that,’ Cassandra said, a hint of reproval in her voice, ‘but it will be good to have Leliana back. She took the Divine’s death so personally.’ Cassandra winced at the memories, still painful to her.

‘As did you, Cassandra. It is I said earlier – we are all having to overcome so much in our lives, not to mention deal with a lunatic darkspawn magister. I don’t count myself as the only one with problems. I am just sorry that it seems to overwhelm everything we do sometimes.’ She looked at the fire again.

‘Thank you both for listening. The connection is still there for now. In a way, I wish it would just stop so I can move on...' she faltered, unable to talk further as her mind wandered. 

Lea made a visible effort to bring herself back to the present, looking at them both. 'It will not affect my work for the Inquisition, of that you can be assured.’

‘Never doubted it Frosty. You take your time.’ Varric said encouragingly, Cassandra nodding her agreement at Varric’s words.

She smiled at them both gratefully.

‘Now, tomorrow. The rogue Templar was sighted only a short distance from here. I don’t think it will take too long to finish him off between the four of us. He may be weakened by his lack of access to lyrium as well – I’ll take any advantage I can get. So we hit him hard and fast. But then, Varric, what is this Carta thing in the Deep Roads?’ She looked at him questioningly.

‘I just got word,’ he replied, looking for his letters. ‘Valammar. Not far from here actually. Potential for weapons being smuggled to Corypheus. We should look into it.’

‘Alright. Let’s delay our trip back then whilst we eliminate this too. Let me just write to Cullen and Leliana to tell them of our change in plans.’ Lea scribbled down some notes quickly.

‘Deep Roads equals darkspawn,’ Cassandra cautioned. ‘Should we not ask Blackwall to attend?’

‘Cassandra, you have to accept that man is not a Grey Warden,’ Lea said slightly impatiently. ‘I have no idea what he is but I am prepared to tolerate it for now as I believe he means no harm to the Inquisition.’

_She is at least giving the man a chance. I shall have to be content with that._

‘Frosty, I don’t know how good an idea it is to keep someone that close when he’s bent on deceiving us all,’ Varric said, troubled.

‘Keep our enemies closer, Varric, is the principle I am working on. It’s the same reason I haven’t kicked Vivienne from Skyhold to Val Royaeux where she can rot in the gutter till she dies,’ she replied, a look of distaste on her face as she thought of the First Enchanter. ‘Maker, I can’t cope with that right now. So anyway, Cullen agrees with you, for what it’s worth, and he’s already tried to get me to banish him. But Blackwall, at least, I am prepared to give a chance.’

‘You know our so called Grey Warden is completely infatuated with you, right?’ Varric laughed at the pained expression that appeared on her face. ‘Two Trevelyans at Skyhold breaking hearts left right and centre.’

‘I’m not causing it,’ Lea said irritably. ‘If people are so stupid to think they can be with me, when it is clear as the sun in the sky that I am head over heels in love with someone else, then that is their problem, not mine. It is tedious and all I can do is ignore it and be professional. I don’t even really know Blackwall that well so I don’t understand why he seems to have feelings for me. But they will pass. It always does.’

_She does not like the attention from men. It makes her even more distressed._

_Did something else happen aside from the events at Montsimmard?_

‘And is Cullen alright with that?’ Cassandra asked dryly. The whole fortress now knew about the warrior who was pining for the Inquisitor, her heart already taken by another. It was like one of Varric’s dreadful romances.

Lea made a gesture of impatience. ‘He’s responding like a typical man. No offence Varric.’

‘None taken,’ he grinned at her.

‘I won’t trust someone who is practicing such a deception on the Inquisition, so Blackwall won’t accompany us on missions. I really don’t see what the problem is. Cullen said he’d had to ask one of his captains to liaise with him so he could keep his distance,’ she finished in some confusion.

Varric snorted with laughter at the last couple of lines. ‘Keep his distance. And there’s no problems. Right.’

The two women turned and looked at him. ‘Explain, Varric, what is so amusing.’ Cassandra demanded.

‘No no, I wouldn’t want to interfere. Let’s just leave it that Cullen’s right about distance being a good thing. Man stuff. You know.’ He smiled serenely at them both.

Lea rolled her eyes. ‘Fair enough. But I will expect an explanation one of these days.’

‘Thank you once again.’ Lea rose to her feet. ‘I am sorry the conversation has been so one-sided. But anyway, I appreciate the opportunity to have been able to talk.’

‘We are here for you, Inquisitor,’ Cassandra said softly. ‘You have been through a lot. Everyone needs to talk sometimes.’

‘It’s what we do Frosty, remember? Watch out for each other,’ Varric reassured her.

Lea smiled, saying nothing as she gave each of them a hug before headed to the guard.

‘Is she going to be alright?’ Cassandra whispered.

He nodded. ‘Frosty will always get done what needs to be done. She puts her Game face on. We only know she struggles because we are close to her – you’d never guess otherwise.'

'She’s sure as shit not happy, although she’s less panicked than earlier. It’s not so much the loss of this connection they have as the panic that she can’t cope without it. The change. She’s terrified. All we can do is keep an eye out - Cullen has told me to contact him immediately if anything seems amiss.’ Varric’s worry evident as he thought on the situation.

‘Andraste’s sacred knickers, what happened to make her so vulnerable?’ he said angrily. ‘It must go beyond that bitch sat on her imaginary throne in Skyhold, although that plays a big part. Bianca wants to get up close and personal with whoever did this to our Inquisitor.’

‘I think you’ll have to join the queue, Varric. There’s quite a few of us already there,’ Cassandra murmured.

‘Yeah, Curly and Cadan will have to argue it out for top spot. Still, there’s always room for a well-placed crossbow bolt between the eyes. Or somewhere else more painful.’ He stood watching her for another moment before heading to his bed.

_We suspect the same thing._

_Maker, your path is truly mysterious sometimes._

She watched Lea as she handed her messages in, then walking off to look out over the forest a distance from the camp. Their Inquisitor clearly had no intention of sleeping yet, if at all.

_What must it be like, to love someone as much as she loves him? And to have that returned? Is that her reward for her suffering?_

_I will never have the opportunity to know. My time for that has passed._

Feeling wistful and sad, Cassandra headed to bed.

\-----

‘What the…?’ Varric’s face was furious as he read the note. ‘How did they get involved in the red lyrium trade?’

After eliminating the rogue Templar threat, they headed straight to the Deep Roads entrance. The team had cleared Valammar’s upper terraces of Carta members before finding further evidence that, far from being weapons, the Carta was part of the red lyrium trade. Cassandra saw Lea automatically recoil in fear.

_And no wonder. She must want to avoid a repeat of the Storm Coast._

Sera’s face had gone green. ‘I can’t be doing with this freaky lyrium shit,’ the elf muttered. ‘Give me something I can put an arrow in. Nothing else.’

‘All the more reason to get out of here as fast as possible,’ Lea said shakily, looking around. ‘We have the one level below us to clear. I haven’t seen any signs of red lyrium yet, thank the Maker. They’re holed up in that room downstairs. Let’s do this and leave. Lead the way, Cassandra.’

She nodded as the four of them headed silently down the stairs. ‘Darkspawn,’ Lea whispered, spotting them over the bridge. ‘We will deal with that afterwards. There must be an entrance we should seal. Alright, on my signal.’

Lea checked the area once more then indicated to Varric to get the door open. Silently he picked the lock, allowing Cassandra to kick the whole thing down in one swift motion. They ran in, taking the Carta members by surprise, engaging them in a fierce battle.

‘Fuck,’ Leaena swore loudly, ‘there’s more than we anticipated!’ She rapidly froze three enemies approaching her before using her staff to knock out a fourth who had come in close, finally managing to get a barrier up just in time before Sera and Varric were overwhelmed.

Cassandra suddenly realised they were fighting for their lives as she struggled to hold off four burly Carta thugs. Varric and Sera’s shots were riddling their opponents and Lea’s magic was devastating them, whilst saving the group at the same time, but it was becoming hard to tell who would come off the victor.

‘Lea, how many times have I told you to always use low guard with your staff first. You’re out of practice,’ a deep, cultured voice with just a hint of a Free Marches accent, called out with amusement. Cassandra found herself only facing two people rather than four. She quickly despatched of them, turning only to realise the fight was over.

_Andraste save me. Who is this….this…._

_Maker, are you deliberately testing me?_

‘Trystan?’ Lea was openly gaping in shock at a Templar who had casually killed several of the Carta thugs in quick succession, bringing the balance of the fight firmly back in their favour.

‘What, dear sister, no hug for your big brother?’ he was laughing at her openly now as she dropped her staff to run into his arms, starting to cry noisily, alternately swearing at him and thanking the Maker he was alive and well.

Cassandra was momentarily rooted to the spot as she watched brother and sister greet each other. Lord Trystan Trevelyan had been confirmed as Knight-Commander of Ostwick before the Conclave, although there had never been a formal announcement due to the mage rebellion. Cassandra wasn’t sure Lea even knew.

His dark hair was in contrast to his pale skin, his blue eyes identical to both his brother and sister. Lea resembled him more than her own twin, both of them having the same fine features and firm chin. He was taller than Lea, well built and strong – typical of a Templar warrior at his very peak. 

_And they share the same determination. And stubbornness._

Cassandra remembered Cullen had once muttered something under his breath about stubborn Trevelyans when Lea had refused to let him send troops into the Deep Roads with some Qunari agents. She understood wha he meant now, looking at them both.

_He is….he is like some…..romantic hero. The ones I read about. The knight in shining armour Lea teases me about. Those ones that sweep you off your feet._

_The ones who I will never be able to have._

Looking around, she saw the surprise on Varric and Sera’s face at the entrance of Lea’s older brother. She walked over to stand with them, watching the display in front of her with equal parts amusement and relief.

_It is one less thing for her to worry about now._

_Hopefully he will provide the distraction she needs, the support she seeks._

‘You fucker! Ow!’ She flinched as her fist smacked the plate on his chest too hard. ‘How dare you disappear for all these months! Do you have any idea how much Mother has been on at us, how fucking worried we have all been? I thought you bloody well died at the Concave! And take this plate off so I can hit you properly!’

Lea was still crying as Trystan had one arm round her, smiling at her tirade. ‘Lea…’ he began.

‘Don’t Lea me! You know you deserve this! We’ve had Inquisition and Ferelden forces out looking for you, trying to find you, you elusive bastard! You’re even slipperier than Cadan and I didn’t think that was possible! Where the fuck have you been! What in Andraste’s name are you doing in the Deep Roads!’ Lea had managed to stop crying, Cassandra saw, but was unable to stop the tirade of emotion pouring from her.

‘Lea, hush,’ Trystan said with a laugh. ‘I will tell you everything. But first, would you like to get rid of the darkspawn outside and get out of this miserable place?’

‘Well yes, of course I would. But you can’t just make an entrance like that and expect me to be fine with it, Trystan!’ she complained loudly at her brother.

‘You mean you wanted me to let you die? That would have been remiss of me indeed,’ he teased her.

‘Shush, we were not going to die. They were just a bit more thuggish than I expected that’s all. Don’t tell Cullen, for fuck’s sake, any of you. I’ll only get told off again like I did when I rode alone back to Skyhold overnight.’ Lea turned and gave a brilliant smile to them all.

‘You did what? I’m not surprised he did, Lea….Maker, we will have this discussion later! Varric, how are you?’ Trystan said, greeting the dwarf.

‘Intrigued to know what a Templar is doing in the Deep Roads,’ Varric replied grinning. ‘Aside from that, pleased to see you are alive.’

_Does Varric know everyone? It seems that way sometimes._

‘And this is Sera,’ Lea said as Sera warily looked at the Templar looming over her.

‘Don’t think this one’s too busy to look up where the real questions are. And, you know, demons. Kill them right fast, you would. Yeah, reckon you can stay.’ Sera stood observing Trystan, her head tilted.

‘Hello, Sera,’ Trystan replied, struggling not to laugh as he turned to meet Cassandra.

‘Seeker Pentaghast? It is an honour to meet the Right Hand of the Divine.’ Trystan bowed to her, fist raised to his chest.

 _Help me to seek! for I lost it there,_  
_And if that ye have found it, ye that be here,_  
_And seek to convey it secretly,_  
_Handle it soft, and treat it tenderly,_  
_Or else it will plain and then appair._

‘Knight-Commander Trevelyan. I have heard much about you from the Inquisitor,’ Cassandra inclined her head, hearing Lea gasp at the title. She was busy trying not to stare at the man so openly, making sure her mouth remained firmly closed.

‘My reputation precedes me again, courtesy of my sister. I hope you were complimentary, Lea,’ he said laughingly as Lea pulled him away.

 _But rather restore it mannerly,_  
_Since that I do ask it thus honestly;_  
_For to lese it, it sitteth me near;_  
_Help me to seek!_

‘Darkspawn right now everyone! Then out of here where I can shout at you properly, Trystan Trevelyan! Knight-Commander, what in Andraste’s name? Why didn’t you tell me? Cassandra….Cullen, you both knew? And Leliana? Oh don’t blame it on the Order for not telling me!’ Lea continued to rail at her brother throughout the short fight they had to rid the area of darkspawn and seal the entrance properly.

As they made a hasty exit from Valammar, the group were still all struggling not to smile as they listened to Lea ranting at her brother, Cassandra all the while watching how Trystan let her continue. He knew Lea needed to, it representing her fight against a much deeper emotion she lived with every day. Fear.

The only other person able to handle Lea so well was Cullen. The love Trystan had for his sister was evident, their closeness a testament to their years in the Circle together.

‘I was so sorry to hear of Divine Justinia’s death, Seeker,’ Trystan said turning to her. ‘She was a rare woman and inspiration to so many.’

‘She is still missed sorely by us all. I…I wish we had been able to save her.’ Cassandra was unable to prevent the familiar bitterness from creeping into her voice, the circular argument she had with herself every day playing in her head over Justinia’s death.

‘I hear you remained loyal to the Divine whilst your fellow Seekers turned their backs on everything they swore to protect.’ His voice was sympathetic, understanding. ‘That is to be commended. Particularly in times like these.’

 _Alas and is there no remedy:_  
_But have I thus lost it wilfully._  
_I wis it was a thing all too dear_  
_To be bestowed, and wist not where._  
_It was mine heart! I pray you heartily_  
_Help me to seek._

Cassandra didn’t get a chance to reply as they finally made it outside. Lea looked so much happier which was pleasing to see, her brother restored to her side once more.

She felt relief that Trystan's attention was elsewhere as she wasn’t sure she was able to put together a sensible sentence. Her foolish, romantic soul had gone into overdrive at the sight of such a handsome knight who had arrived to save them.

_This is merely a foolhardy, frivolous indulgence on my part. Merely another man in a suit of armour waving a sword around._

Satisfied that she had dealt with her uncharacteristic flight of fantasy satisfactorily, Cassandra mounted her horse and rode over to the rest of the group, steadfastly ignoring the poetry that was still being recited in her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to find a Dragon Age poem but couldn't. This beautiful piece is courtesy of Sir Thomas Wyatt, 1503 - 1542.


	53. Common Cause

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note there is a brief mention of rape and torture near the start of the chapter.

_Thank the Maker, he is here, safe, at last!_

_But he is exhausted, his eyes haunted. What have you witnessed, my brother, which has burdened your soul in this way?_

Much to Lea’s annoyance, Trystan refused answer her questions until they reached a place of safety, well away from the Deep Roads entrance. They finally arrived at the Crossroads, giving Lea a chance to quickly check her messages.

‘Talk. Now,’ Lea demanded as she returned, her impatience visible.

‘It’s a long story, some of which I will save till we are all together,’ he began. ‘In short, a few of us came together in secret before the Conclave, to find out what was corrupting so many Templars. I chose to search for more information. Cullen wouldn’t have known – he’d left the Order by then.’

‘I couldn’t contact you – I didn’t want to risk anything being traced back to you, back to the Inquisition. I’ve been hunting the red lyrium trail.’ Trystan hesitated for a moment, watching Lea. ‘And I’ve been hunting Samson.’

Lea felt the blood drain from her face at the mention of that name, just as she heard Varric’s growl of anger at the connection between the ex-Templar from Kirkwall and the poisonous substance.

_Samson has been in my nightmares again. Glowing red, getting larger and more powerful. Stalking me. Destroying everything that I love. Caya bound, tortured, raped, beaten, bleeding. Cullen, Cadan, Trystan, fed red lyrium, to serve Corypheus._

_All while he makes me watch every second of their pain. Strapped to a chair, naked, abused by his officers, one by one. My mouth stuffed full of red lyrium, waiting for it to grow out of me just like I saw in the future._

_Cullen, a red lyrium monster. Looking the same but warped beyond redemption. Raping me over and over again, smashing his fists into my face, my body, intent on causing maximum hurt. Whilst he manically laughs and laughs, taking pleasure from my anguish..…_

Lea rubbed her eyes, frantically trying to banish the images whilst battling a wave of nausea and a twisting pain that wound tight within her chest. She forced herself to focus on Trystan’s words instead.

‘These two evils go hand in hand, it would seem. I must speak to Cullen at the first opportunity, but it seems that Samson is feeding the Templars this red lyrium. He wants to make some sort of super army – you saw that at Haven. I was tracking down where their supply was coming from. Unfortunately what we just found was the tip of the iceberg. There is more going on, of course, but this Carta lead was the more immediate threat so I wanted to eliminate it first, hoping it would lead to more information. I arrived at Valammar all ready to face a pack of Carta thugs, only to find you had beaten me to it.’ Trystan smiled ruefully, running a hand through his hair, his exhaustion beginning to show.

‘I can’t imagine the Carta recovering from this any time soon so in that sense it is a victory,’ Varric replied. ‘I will get my contacts on this straight away. They have no idea what they are dealing with, how twisted their whole operation could turn if they mess with this shit.’

‘That would be useful, thanks Varric. Cullen wants to cut Samson off at his source and has been working on that with his scouts for some time. He is expecting results soon. Let’s make haste back and continue this discussion there.’ Lea motioned for them all to start the journey back to Skyhold.

Trystan moved to her side once more, the two of them letting their mounts fall behind a little so they could talk freely.

‘I didn’t like to leave you Lea, you know this. But the chaos of the Conclave gave me the perfect opportunity to slip away and I knew you would be in good hands when I heard you had survived. I had some further intelligence from the Templars I met that day and needed to follow it up before the trail went cold.’ He looked at his sister, hoping she would understand.

Lea’s extreme vulnerability showed just at that moment, her mask slipping. ‘I know. But you will be able to come for a while, won’t you? Cadan is there already and Cullen is only a day or so behind us.’

Trystan nodded. Lea felt him watching her closely every time Cullen’s name was mentioned.

_The way we left each other – filled with pain. Never again. But Maker, I miss him so much. Every time I leave. Varric is right, you never learn to live with it._

_But to have Trystan back at last is just wonderful._

‘Now, explain this Knight-Commander to me, Trystan. Why did you not tell me? I’ll admit to being slightly wounded that I didn’t know when so many others did,’ Lea smiled at him, not really minding at all.

‘I couldn’t say, as it wasn’t announced and the First Enchanter asked if I could wait just a few weeks whilst he organised his own succession. They were to retire together. But Mellyn was blind and her mind was going.’ He sighed. ‘We were trying to give her a bit of dignity. Then the Circles started to rebel and we had agreed to keep up the pretence that she was still in charge for the Conclave. But I got the promotion before then. People in the Order knew. I’m sorry, Lea. I should have mentioned it.’

‘It’s alright. I’m proud of you Trystan. You deserved it. And if they had let you take over perhaps we wouldn’t have had such a disaster when our Circle fell.’ She paused as something occurred to her. ‘So Iminric was made Knight-Captain?’

‘Yes at the same time I was promoted. I hope he will soon be able to bring our Templars to Skyhold to join the Inquisition forces, although I doubt Caya will let him stay. I’ll be around for a while,’ he smiled at her.

Lea beamed at him. ‘That is wonderful news, Trystan. I know Cullen will be appreciative of having more experienced Templars join our ranks. It has been hard work recruiting but our numbers are significant now.’

‘How are you Lea? So much has happened to you in a relatively short space of time.’ Trystan looked at her with concern. ‘I felt so guilty at not being here for you. When I heard you announced Herald of Andraste, then the attack at Haven I wanted to head back to you immediately. It was a difficult decision to stay focussed on my task. But then, I thought Samson’s head on a plate would cheer you up considerably.’

_It has been the worst and the best time of my life. All at once._

_I would not change a thing._

Lea was silent for a moment at her sudden realisation, putting it away to think about later.

‘It’s alright. I understand. I missed you very much though, Trystan. We all did. When I woke up in Haven……for the first time in so long I was alone. I was even Cassandra’s prisoner for a time. Funny to think of that now,’ she laughed wryly.

‘Your Seeker is an impressive warrior,’ Trystan replied, unable to hide a hint of admiration in his voice.

_Is that the way it is, brother? She has a heart of gold and the soul of a romantic underneath that bristling exterior. And she certainly is beautiful._

_You two may well be perfectly matched. Just don’t forget your poetry book._

Lea smiled to herself. Even in her tumult of emotion earlier, she hadn’t missed Cassandra’s dumbstruck look when she first saw Trystan, which she quickly replaced with her most forbidding expression.

_And that means she was very affected by seeing him._

_Trystan, like Cadan, has maidenly hearts fluttering everywhere he goes. But I have no intention of interfering. Things will work themselves out one way or another._

‘You should try sitting in a dungeon being interrogated by her and Leliana with a hand that glowed green. Cadan told me it was character building,’ she replied sourly.

Trystan laughed. ‘And so it is. He’s absolutely right.’ He looked at her hand in fascination as the green light moved beneath her skin. ‘Maker, that is something else isn’t it. But it’s done you well - are you not now the Inquisitor?’

‘I am. Although I doubt my suitability. I find it hard to believe the Maker had destined me for this role. Herald of Andraste? That wasn’t her who pushed me out of the Fade. But no one listened.’ Lea suddenly felt herself close to tears as she looked at her hand again, the green fire muted. ‘Part of me is enjoying the chance to create such a major change in the world. The other half remains terrified.’

_Maker help me, I’m so done with this fear, always on the verge of hysterics._

_But I don’t know how to be anything else aside from this._

‘Lea….’ Trystan stopped, wanting to get the words right, knowing her torment. ‘We made a mistake, well Father and I did. We sheltered you, protected you for far too long. I should have tried harder to let you find your own way in the Circle. But I made you dependent, scared to be on your own. Did you know Cadan had a furious row with Father about it?’

‘Was that when Cadan didn’t come home for a year?’ Lea remembered. Her parents’ distress, the family fractured. How badly she missed her twin.

‘That’s right.’ Trystan stared ahead as he thought back to the bitter fight. ‘He was angry, felt we were stifling you - that Father was too intent on ensuring your rise in the Circle rather than your own wellbeing. He thought it would be too much for you after what happened in Montsimmard. And that Father was too interested in the Trevelyan name and the power we could wield as a whole House rather than what was best for his own children. He wasn’t wrong, although Father’s motivations were well-meant.’

‘I know that’s why he went to sea, to escape that pressure.’ Lea remembered her heart breaking when her twin had come to see her to take his leave. ‘Ironic isn’t it, how that turned out for him. You can’t get much closer to the seat of power in Ferelden than Cadan.’

‘I know,’ Trystan replied with a wry smile. ‘And he is relishing the experience too. Who could not, with people like Alistair and Freya to work with?’

He turned to look at her. ‘My point, Lea, is that you were not given a chance to recover, nor a chance to actually find your own path. And now you can, but you’re scared to, because you aren’t sure how. But, you know? No one does. You have to figure it out yourself.’

Lea went to reply but Trystan raised a hand, stopping her. ‘Wait a moment – hear me out, sister. I know you so well. I’ve watched you grow, followed your journey, learned alongside you, travelled everywhere with you. Lea, you are more than capable – so suited for this. But you need to build your confidence, face your demons and put them to rest. Believe in yourself. Or the consequences could be far more serious then you realise.’

He let his arm fall, regret heavy in his voice. ‘I am sorry I never gave you that opportunity to do so, protecting you from them rather than letting you confront them. That chance is here now. You must take it, to step away from the fear.’

_No no, don’t feel bad. The fault is all mine._

_I am a coward. I have been spoilt. It needs to end._

‘Trystan, you have nothing to feel sorry for. You did your best and I am so lucky to have had your support over the years. The Inquisition puts me in positions I would never have expected, forces me to do more than I thought I could cope with. I am having to change as a person and it is……harder than I anticipated.’ Lea’s gaze dropped down to her hands that were busily twisting the reins in her anxiety.

_If only it were that easy. I have been trying. Haven’t I?_

_Well, I suppose I could make more of an effort. I have been hiding behind everyone else. Cullen in particular._

‘I have started,’ she said haltingly. ‘Did you know Vivienne is at Skyhold?’

‘Fuck!’ Trystan looked at her in shock. ‘Lea….how? Why?’

_He never swears! That has upset him._

‘It’s a very long story. I have so much to tell you, Trystan, take your counsel on. It is so marvellous to have you here.’ She beamed happily at him, relaxing for the first time since she’d walked out of Solas’ study.

‘Let’s begin at the beginning - how and why the Inquisition was reborn.’ She looked at the sun, then at where they had made it to thus far. ‘We have plenty of time before we make camp.’

\------

They had arrived an hour or so ago, Trystan peppering Lea’s story with questions, only stopping as they set up camp. Both were now sat apart from the others who had waved them away so they could talk in private.

Lea was closer to Trystan than Cadan in many ways. She had spent so much more time with him over the years, and could tell him anything. He was her best friend, her only confidante during the long years of her incarceration at the Circle. Trystan had been there whilst Cadan was away, saved her from Vivienne’s viciousness. His absence was something she knew her twin still regretted – not to have been there for her more.

_But what’s done is done. And I am still bound to Cadan in a way no one, aside from another twin, would understand._

‘Maker’s Breath, Lea, you faced Corypheus on your own? And managed to survive a blizzard? Then went and found Skyhold, travelling through the Frostbacks to get there? And in between everything you travel halfway across Orlais to the most Maker-forsaken place in the world to wipe out a nest of Venatori, travel forward in time to save the mages, help Alistair essentially reorganise Ferelden, track down the Grey Wardens with Hawke of all people, and recover from a bout of red lyrium sickness that would have sent almost anyone else mad. Did I miss anything?’ Trystan was still reeling from everything Lea had told him.

‘Give me some of that whiskey. I need it after hearing all that,’ he muttered, as Lea passed him a drink. ‘Good choice, sister.’

‘Cullen deserves the credit – he selected that one for me. It seems to have become the camp thing, sharing a drink at the end of the day so I like to carry enough for us all,’ she smiled.

‘I am grateful for him saving you at Kirkwall. We owe him a big debt. And Lea,’ he said with a smile, ‘I am pleased you have found someone like Cullen to share your life with. He is probably the only man I would consider remotely worthy of you.’

_Trystan and Cadan saw through the rumour and gossip about Cullen._

_I am so fortunate to have his love._

‘It is a precious gift from the Maker, what we share,’ Lea said softly. ‘To love and be loved in return, to feel so passionate about someone. I am blessed, Trystan. But it makes it all the harder to be away from him. I don’t always cope as well as I should. I realise that isn’t fair on Cullen, to have that extra worry.’

‘If he didn’t want to deal with it, he wouldn’t. Cullen can easily make his own choices. Stop feeling so guilty about everything,’ Trystan admonished her.

She laughed at that. ‘I know. I have been having a self-indulgent wallowing session these last few days. Please forgive me. I have let the trivial blind me from what is truly important. This connection Cullen and I have that I told you about - it has enabled me to live without fear. But I’ve used it as a shield rather than face up to my past. I rely on Cullen the same way I rely on you,’ she finished, irritated with herself.

‘Lea, I am going confiscate your toffee supply permanently if you don’t stop this self-hate right now,’ Trystan said firmly. ‘You aren’t weak. I know where this stems from, and I understand that you struggle to react as you would like to in certain situations. But you can do it. And you will do it. It will get better. End this cycle in your head – it doesn’t help.’

_He is right. I must stop._

He looked at her whiskey and the toffee again. ‘Since when did you even drink and eat this stuff anyway?’

_Since the moment I heard Cullen’s voice. I need to do anything to bring him closer to me whilst I am away._

_No one must ever know. I would feel like the biggest idiot in Thedas if people guessed the reason._

‘I found I wanted something whilst on the road. A small treat. I never have much alcohol, although there have been some rather fun nights at the end of a mission. Particularly with Bull around,’ she replied absently.

‘The Ben-Hassrath? That’s brave of you, having one of those in your group. What’s he like?’ Trystan asked with interest.

‘Loud, mostly,’ Lea chuckled. ‘And frighteningly observant. The Chargers have been very useful to us as well. Maker, the Qunari are so different. Much more open about some things, unbelievably restrictive and controlling about others. Sex with whoever is fine, but heaven forbid you might question the Qun. To the Re-educators you go. It’s almost the opposite of our society. And Bull doesn’t seem to quite fit in either one. You’ll like him though. I trust him. And he hits like nothing I’ve ever felt before. It takes my strongest barrier spells to stay on my feet.’

‘I will have to train with him. To learn some Qunari tactics would be hugely beneficial.’ He looked at her sharply as he remembered something. ‘The news on the Calling is disturbing indeed. But Lea, you’re sure you want to keep this make-believe Grey Warden at Skyhold?’

‘Cullen can’t stand to be around Blackwall because of his deceit. He can barely be civil to him any more…’ Lea tailed off, unwilling to say more. Trystan would find out soon enough. ‘But there is something there, I am not sure what. I believe he deserves a chance, so he stays with the Inquisition for now.’

‘Very well. It is your decision. Besides, you have an interesting collection of people around you, Lea.. Left and Right Hands of the Divine, the former Knight-Commander of Kirkwall, a Montilyet, the Champion of Kirkwall’s closest confidante, a Tevinter Altus, an Elven apostate, some mystery warrior and a spirit of all things! Tell me more……and are you sure Sera is completely sane?’ he chuckled as he thought of the elf.

‘Sera has been hurt in her past. Very badly. I have no idea how. But she has a good heart and means well. I completely admit that I have no idea what she’s saying ninety percent of the time, and she has an obsession with playing pranks on people which I try to ignore. And she loves the shock factor. I like her though. She’s a scrapper,’ Lea grinned as she remembered some of Sera’s more outrageous comments.

‘I confess to a rather undignified curiosity to see Cadan around your Ambassador.’ Trystan couldn’t resist chuckling. ‘He left himself wide open there – something he normally applies great skill to avoid. How did she react when he first arrived with the Inquisition?’

‘Josephine has been busy exacting various types of revenge. Cadan assures me it is justified although Cullen feels she is being a bit harsh. Duty over desire strikes yet again. We do what we must. That said, I am sure he could have found another way to finish his mission aside from seducing someone. Still, it was up to him.’ Lea reached for another piece of toffee, thinking about what had happened.

‘I had been away in the Storm Coast and came back to find Cadan and Cullen three sheets to the wind, engaged in a dagger throwing contest with each other. I don’t think I have seen Cadan quite that drunk before and certainly not Cullen. A Ben-Hassrath blade suddenly sailed through the air, landing right in the middle of Cullen’s target and scaring the life out of the pair of them.’ She laughed as she remembered their expressions.

‘I can imagine I’d feel a certain amount of alarm at an unexpected Qunari presence suddenly announcing itself in my camp in that kind of fashion,’ Trystan agreed with a quick grin.

‘Before we knew it, the whole of Haven was engaged in a competition, bets flying everywhere. Varric made a tidy sum that night. Josephine showed Cadan up by winning. His face when he first saw her though,’ Lea finished quietly, feeling her twin’s sadness. ‘He loves her, Trystan. But he may well have lost her.’

‘Lea, I know. But again, Cadan chooses his own path. Both of you do seem to enjoy learning things the hard way,’ he smiled at her, taking the sting out of his words. ‘He’ll be fine. Don’t worry.’

Trystan hesitated before his next words, not wanting to upset her. ‘What will you do about Vivienne? You can’t put that off forever you know.’

_Watch me. I can’t go there right now._

‘I will deal with it,’ she promised. ‘But I….just…..I don’t understand why she is here aside from the fact there was nowhere for her to go. Bastien is dead. She disapproves of the rebel mages, she disapproves of Skyhold. I am trying to understand what she is trying to gain by being with the Inquisition before I make my decision. She wants something. I just haven’t figured out what yet.’

‘It will out. These things always do. Just give her enough rope to hang herself. Don’t ignore the situation completely….Lea, don’t shake your head at me, you know I am right,’ Trystan scolded her. ‘Perhaps there is a way to lure her out. The sooner you sort this out the sooner you can relax in your own fortress.’

‘That’s a good idea,’ Lea said thoughtfully. ‘I will think on it, ask around.’

She yawned then, suddenly realising the camp had gone quiet and night had crept up upon them. They had been talking for hours.

‘Time for you to go to sleep, little sister. And me, for that matter.’ Trystan stretched, yawning as well.

‘I will. I just have some letters to read,’ Lea said, waving her hand as a globe of soft yellow light appeared above her head.

‘I won’t guess who from,’ he teased her as she blushed. ‘I am so pleased to see you happier again, Lea,’ Trystan carried on in a softer voice. ‘You have changed. And for the better. It will be alright.’

He gave her a hug and headed for his tent.

_I didn’t realise how worried I was, how much I missed my brother, until he was here again._

_A huge weight has gone from my shoulders._

Lea sat back, feeling calmer and relaxed. It helped, of course, that she would see Cullen in the next day or two. She still felt so sad about the impending loss of their connection, but it was in proportion once more. Her response was more measured, balanced, rather than the sheer panic she’d experienced on the way to Redcliffe.

_Particularly when I think of the benefits of him being free from lyrium._

_Maker, his strength and determination leave me in awe, to survive what he is going through – what he has already been through._

It was never easy for Cullen to see her like that, just adding to his already significant guilt and pain. Lea resolved to do her best to not add to his burdens.

_He needs support too._

_I just don’t want to worry him._

Sipping on her drink, she broke his seal on the letter and settled down to read.

_Leaena,_

_I am currently admiring the view of the Inquisition’s new road through the Frostbacks from the dubious comfort of my tent. It is everything it promised to be for our troops, Andraste be praised. We can also consider opening this up to merchants as well as other agents of the Inquisition who may need to use it. If you are in agreement, I will speak to Leliana and Josephine to arrange this. There is still some further work to do on securing some of the more challenging passes before it is safe for general utilisation, but the majority is complete._

_The reparations have been arranged to Arl Tegan’s satisfaction, and I’m pleased to say relations are now cordial between the Inquisition and Redcliffe once more. He’s invited us to send a champion to take part in a tournament to win the bannorn of Calon, currently lying empty. I don’t think we really want to win this, but it could be useful for us to send a representative. We can discuss it back at Skyhold._

_Valammar was, I hope, a success. I’ll be interested to hear what you find there - hopefully darkspawn won’t make too significant an appearance. I know you intend to return to me in one piece but still, please take care._

_My lady, I worry about you, and I hope to make this right for both of us. There is no possible way, I’ve discovered, of explaining this in a letter. My tent floor is littered with balls of discarded pieces of parchment. I want to make you feel better but I find I’m lacking the words._

_The news Dagna gave was devastating for both of us, and I completely understand your reaction and where it comes from. Our connection has made us both feel comforted, providing a level of security I have not experienced before._

_But even when that goes, you must know that the feelings behind it will never change. It has always been a privilege to me to know that you trust me implicitly, that you look to me to protect you. I will continue to do so for the rest of my life._

_Maker’s Breath, to ride away, seeing you in so much pain? I will never do that again. I need to know that you are safe and well - because without you, my lady, I have nothing._

_Andraste’s blessings be with you._

_C_

Lea read, and re-read Cullen’s letter over and over.

_This was not easy for you to do. And yet you made the effort, just for me?_

Lea’s heart was set to burst at how Cullen had tried to reassure her whilst they were apart. It had obviously been difficult for him to write anything at all.

_I like protecting you too, Commander. When you let me._

_Maker, I love you so very much. This means more than you will ever know._

Now she was calm, more rational, she didn’t even recognise the person she was of two days before.  And in a few simple sentences, Cullen had managed to remove the very core of her fears. Nothing would change. He loved her, would always love her, wanted to be her protector. Lea felt her paranoia recede even further into the distance as she read his letter once more.

_Everyone needs someone to look after them. Admitting that is not a weakness. I can be such a fool sometimes._

_Far from worrying about your letter, you should know it did exactly what it needed to do._

With a smile, she jumped up, pulling his cloak tightly around her as she dismissed the light and went to her tent. Tonight she knew that Samson would not plague her in her sleep. And in two days, Cullen would be back.


	54. No Regrets

‘Lea, you can do better than that, surely,’ Cadan joked as she lay her cards down.

‘I’m not a card shark like you are. I know when to quit,’ she retorted good-naturedly. ‘I am out of this round.’

‘I’ll raise you ten silvers, Cadan.’ Trystan challenged his brother as he threw his money into the centre.

‘Living on the edge, Trystan?’ Cadan raised an eyebrow. ‘Well, why not? I’ll take that bet.’

‘As will I,’ Dorian added, also throwing his ten silvers into the centre of the table.

‘Not for me. I fold too. I’d rather not bankrupt myself.’ Varric laid down his cards. ‘Come on then gentlemen, let’s see what you have.’

‘I have you both,’ Dorian said gleefully as he showed his cards, much to the protests of the other two men as the mage pulled the coins towards him.

‘That’ll teach you,’ Lea laughed at their irritation. ‘Right, who’s for a drink?’ She headed to the bar amidst a general chorus for more ale.  

She stood waiting to collect their drinks, still able to hear the banter at the table. It had been some time since she felt so content, taken some time out to spend relaxing with friends.

_It’s a strange concept, friends. I haven’t really had any before._

_Maker, that sounds awful. But it’s true. Before this, the only friends I had were my family._

To be with both her brothers whilst she was with the Inquisition was a blessing Lea had not thought possible. When she had arrived back with Trystan a couple of days ago, Cadan waiting for her, it had been all the three of them could do to avoid bursting into tears in the courtyard. The emotion to have them all reunited again after the drama of the past few months had nearly overwhelmed her.

Returning to the table with a round of drinks, she arrived to a debate on the merits of bow versus blade, the cards forgotten for the time being.

‘Well this isn’t something we can really join in with is it,’ Lea said with a smile to the other mage.

‘Not really. Thank the Maker. I like magic. I’ve always thought my spells looked rather pretty,’ Dorian replied.

‘I have a spell that looks like a thousand stars are floating down from the sky, all glowing and glittery. I loved it so much as an apprentice that I got into trouble for casting it so often and irritating everyone in the library.’ Lea smiled at the memory. ‘It does nothing of any practical purpose but it looks so lovely. An interesting mix of ice, storm and spirit to hold it all in place.’

‘You must teach me that one. Sometimes looking lovely is all that is required,’ Dorian chuckled. ‘Speaking of which, I take it our dashing Commander is back later?’

‘How did you guess?’ Lea felt her cheeks grow warm.

‘No woman wears boots like that unless they aim to make a certain…statement, shall we say. You do look entrancing, dear Lea. That particular shade of red becomes you.’ Dorian said approvingly. ‘It’s so helpful to have an Inquisitor with a sense of style almost as good as mine.’

Lea laughed. ‘I’m glad it meets your exacting standards, Dorian. And there I was thinking it was too simple.’

‘Maker no, simplicity is the key.’ Don’t overdo it or you’ll end up like some overstuffed exotic Orlesian parrot. Vivienne springs to mind.’ He looked pained at the thought. ‘Besides, it’s Cullen. Complicating things would just confuse the poor man.’

‘Play nicely Dorian Pavus! You’re still bitter that you haven’t beaten him at chess yet aren’t you?’ she teased. ‘Thinking of outfits, Josephine and I are having a row about formal attire for Inquisition members. She seems to think all the women should wear dresses, Cassandra included. Can you imagine?’

‘Funnily enough, I was wondering what she’d look like in a dress just the other day. When I asked Cassandra, I thought she was going to hit me, she looked so offended.’ Dorian looked over at Trystan. ‘Has she regained control of her brain and consented to joining your ravishing brother in the training ring yet?’

Lea tried and failed to stifle her mirth. ‘Shit, Dorian, how did you know about that? Trystan is usually much more circumspect.’

‘I walked past whilst she was reading one of those things she pretends are books. He caught her with it, much to her fury. For someone with such a love for poetry, Cassandra seems to view literacy as a weakness for some bizarre reason.’ He shook his head in bemusement.

‘Anyway, his timing couldn’t have been worse. After he essentially asked the Seeker to go on her ideal first date with him to knock shields together, she sent him off with a flea in his ear. She told Trystan he couldn’t possibly be serious and to stop wasting her time,’ he finished with a grin.

‘Oh no, that sounds about right. Trystan has a way to go with our Seeker. Poor man. He seems undaunted by the prospect though,’ Lea cast a glance at her older brother. ‘Cassandra doesn’t know what she’s letting herself in for, particularly if she’s making the mistake of thinking Cadan and Trystan are anything alike.’

Dorian nodded. ‘Aside from the fact that you must be one of the most absurdly beautiful clutch of siblings I’ve ever met, it is apparent that you are all totally different. Well, the three of you that I know anyway, and Varric assures me your sister is so terrifyingly stunning she turns people to stone with one glance.’

‘Yes,’ Lea said with a chuckle. ‘Caya is the master of wielding beauty as a weapon to get her way. But my brothers? Trystan is more of the hero come to save them from a tower type. That whole riding off into the sunset thing.’

‘Knight in shining armour? There’s a few of them around here. Are you letting your personal preferences influence how you build your army Inquisitor? Not that I’m complaining,’ he laughed as Lea felt herself blush furiously yet again.

_I…..it’s so personal still._

_I’m not used to having friends. To share stories with, to joke with. Before all words were used to cause hurt._

‘That’s right, Dorian, I told Cullen to build my army in a certain way just to give you something to look at,’ she quipped. ‘Actually I might suggest that to him, just to see his reaction.’

‘Oh do. Your Commander has actually got a sense of humour somewhere underneath that huge amount of metal he insists on wearing at times. Not that I disapprove of a good-looking army, you must understand. But anyway, tell me more of your brothers.’ He gave Lea his most charming smile, making her laugh.

‘Save your wiles for Bull – their secrets are safe with me!' She stopped to think for a second. ‘Cadan is the rogue who could break your heart, but women still can’t find it in themselves to say no. Why do women do that, by the way?’ she asked in confusion.

‘The thrill. The challenge. Thinking with everything but a brain,’ Dorian replied. ‘Carry on.’

‘Trystan is much more…..sensitive. Mother always says he had the soul of an artist and could never understand how he ended up as a Templar. Cadan is, well, harder but not in a bad way. Women want to save him. For some reason.’

‘I’ve never met anyone less in need of saving than Cadan. Josephine needs to stop her games before he leaves for good,’ Dorian stated with uncharacteristic seriousness.

‘Why, what has she been doing?’ Lea asked sharply. ‘I’m not interested in gossiping and Maker knows that is one situation I’d rather leave well alone. But I won’t have inappropriate behaviour from my Ambassador towards Alistair’s chosen representative.’

‘You may need to speak to her, Lea. She goes out of her way to find opportunities to flaunt other men right in front of him. I doubt there’s been anything actually going on although you never know. But she is very flirtatious. Poor Knight-Captain Rylen had no idea where to look the other night.’

‘Cullen’s second in command? The Templar from Starkhaven? For fuck’s sake,’ Lea muttered as Dorian nodded his confirmation of her words.

‘I’m afraid it gets worse. She’s moved onto Blackwall. You should come down to the tavern later if you can prise yourself away to see for yourself. Your brother just sits there, ignoring it but knowing exactly what is going on.’ He reached for his drink, watching her reaction.

‘First Leliana and now her? I understand what happened to Leliana. But sixteen year olds behave better than this. Every time I go away something else happens,’ Lea sighed. ‘Thank you for telling me Dorian. I will fix it. She can continue to hate Cadan if she can’t find it in herself to forgive him for doing something she would probably have done herself. But she can bloody well do it behind closed doors, not where her behaviour will embarrass the Inquisition.’

‘An interesting comment from your mother,’ he said, leaving the topic to lie and hoping to distract her. ‘There is artistry in war, before, during and the aftermath. Some of the greatest literary and artistic works come from renowned warriors. Your brother is, however, surprisingly lighthearted for a Templar so I’m not sure how the brooding poet quite fits.’

‘I heard that Dorian,’ Trystan called from the other side of the table.

‘I hoped you might,’ he replied cheerfully. ‘Just testing my hypothesis. Now, are we playing another round or not?’

‘On it, Sparkler,’ Varric replied, shuffling the cards and dealing them out.

Just as Lea picked up her cards, she suddenly felt Cullen’s senses connect with her, the dizzying jolt as joyous as ever.

_Finally. I missed you, Cullen._

_I love you. I’m so sorry I made you worry._

‘Lea, Lea,’ Cadan called her as she suddenly was bought back to her surroundings.

‘Sorry, what?’ she asked distractedly, feeling the warmth of his lyrium winding inside her once more, demanding to know she was better, safe.

_I am. Especially now you are home._

_I can’t wait to tell you who is here._

‘I recognise the look, Frosty. That’s Curly back I take it,’ Varric chuckled, to general laughter round the table as Lea went pink, unable to focus on her cards.

_Urgh, again? I thought I'd reached my limits on feeling embarassed!_

‘And in record time too.’ Dorian was looking out the window. ‘Not even the forward guards have managed to get the flag up yet to show his arrival. Bull owes me fifty silvers.’

‘I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that, thank you,’ she said primly. She was unable to stop smiling, however.

Trystan was watching her with interest. ‘Is this what you were talking about?’ he asked her softly.

‘Yes, he’s going to be here soon. It’s odd – this time it feels stronger than ever, the range wider…damn I promised I wasn’t going to focus on it, didn’t I? The main thing is he’s back.’ She felt her smile brighten her whole face.  

‘You look lovely, Lea.’ Trystan smiled. ‘Go and meet him. We will catch up separately a bit later on my mission.’

‘Tell him to get in here quickly. I want to win back my gold,’ Cadan called after her.

‘I might,’ she grinned at him as she put her cards down. ‘Carry on without me. We’ll meet back here in two hours. I’ll send word to the others. I think we all deserve a break. But remember everyone, before you get too stuck into your ale - War Room tomorrow morning at nine.’ They waved their goodbyes to her as she headed outside, already intent on their game.

\-----

Lea quickly draped her black cloak around her shoulders, leaving the hood up to hide her face from everyone outside, flicking her hair over one shoulder. She asked a guard to send her message as she quickly strapped on her staff. She’d chosen to wear a new dark red tunic made of soft wool that fell to her knees - simple, plain but exquisitely cut. Black stockings and the black boots she knew he liked completed her outfit.

_Well, I want to look good. Last time Cullen saw me I was a snivelling mess in a set of armour that is now beyond tatty._

_A girl is allowed to try and regain her pride, after all._

Oddly enough, she felt nervous to see him, those butterflies of anticipation she remembered from Ostwick practically flying round her stomach, her magic singing loudly within her. Lea stood in the courtyard, for once being the one to welcome him into the fortress, shifting a bit from foot to foot as she felt him get closer, her anticipation rising, matching his.

_It is strange, standing here waiting. The eyes of everyone on me, on us._

_How does he do this, every time he waits for me?_

Lea felt herself hide further into her hood, her face now flaming red.

She watched the gates swing open to let Cullen in, having ridden fast to the fortress to see her. There he was right in front of her once more, smiling as he slid from his horse, handing the reins to a groom before walking towards her. His hair was uncharacteristically messy, Lea having to clench her fists inside her cloak to stop from reaching out and smoothing it down. 

_Every time I see you, it is like the first. You look so good._

_But you’re so tired. Did you sleep at all? It’s my fault._

‘Welcome back to Skyhold, Commander.’ Lea had to battle her instinctive urge to go straight into his arms as well as trying to conquer another wave of overwhelming nerves.

‘Inquisitor,’ he replied, his eyes their usual molten amber-gold, never leaving hers. His love, concern and worry for her was still radiating from his lyrium through her body, not quite able to believe the reassurances she was trying so hard to give him through her magic. ‘It is good to be back.’

_Do we have to go and see everyone else right now?_

_Five minutes before we find Trystan. I hated the way we left things._ _I need to make this right._

‘I have a surprise for you,’ she said with a smile as they walked towards the battlements.

‘Really? I am intrigued. Lead the way, my lady.’ He gestured for her to walk in front of him.

‘I’ll let you know what it is soon. Let’s just go up to your tower first.’ Lea finally felt completely relaxed now she was back with him by her side, letting him sense her happiness, her calm, hoping to make him feel better.

‘I hope you didn’t ride here on your own, Commander,’ she said lightly, having noticed none of his officers had been with him.

‘Would I dare to, after having told you off for the same thing? No, they should be here shortly. I confess I…’ he hesitated for a second. ‘I…..just wanted to get to you as fast as possible. I left them behind about an hour ago.’

_You are adorable when you blush, you know._

_And if you had been here waiting for me when I returned, I would have done exactly the same. Just like I did before._

‘Cullen…’ she started to say as they made it to the top, then broke off suddenly as he stopped her, taking her hand.

‘Let me see you properly, my lady.’ Her heart stuttered at the tone in his voice as she looked up at him. The tenderness and concern she could see, and feel, as he gently pushed her hood back, letting his gloved hand trail across her jaw, left her breathless as she felt herself tremble slightly.

‘You have no need to hide from me, Leaena,’ Cullen said softly. ‘Will you believe me if I tell you that there is nothing to worry about?’

She nodded wordlessly, lost in the sensation his touch was having on her. Delicious shivers were rhythmically snaking down her spine, her magic smoldering with the heat from his lyrium as he gave her the lightest of kisses.

He took her hand, stepping back slowly and leading her towards his quarters. ‘So far our luck has held but I don’t trust my guards to get the hint and stay away.’

Lea laughed at the memory. ‘Your face was a sight to behold, Commander. Remind me to not ever be on the receiving end of one of those glares.’

‘I like to have you all to myself, Inquisitor, what can I say?’ He turned and gave her a smile that nearly stopped her in her tracks, the butterflies in her lower abdomen suddenly turning into blazing flames.

_Every time I leave you, I forget the impact you have on me._

_But then I have the pleasure of being reminded all over again once we are back together._

Cullen opened the door and ushered her in out of the cold, locking both doors whilst she placed her staff in a corner. ‘There. Now I know for certain we won’t be disturbed. I will be inundated otherwise, now they know I’m back.’

He turned as he took off his cloak and sword, throwing his gloves on the desk. ‘Maker’s Breath. That will take days to clear.’ He made a face at the huge pile of reports, correspondence and notes that had accumulated in his absence.

‘It’s the same every time we come back isn’t it,’ Lea waved a hand as she pulled off her gloves, lighting the fire in the room to reduce the chill. ‘I can help you if you like? I’ve just about done mine. There were all these reports on minerals I’d never even……’

‘Leaena. Come here.’ Cullen was leaning by the door, watching her, a smile pulling at his lips.

_Oh. I was rambling wasn’t I?_

_Well, seeing as you asked with that rather delicious voice of yours…._

Lea bit her tongue to prevent herself from rabbiting more meaningless words, still fighting her inexplicable nervousness now they were alone as she walked towards him.

‘I’m so sorry,’ she whispered. She immediately felt better as he put his arms around her whilst she snuck hers round his waist, holding him tightly. ‘I never meant to get so upset. For you to worry. I never want to leave you like that again. I missed you.’

‘It’s alright, my lady.’ He kissed the top of her head as she rested it in its usual place on his chest, loving to hear the beating of his heart, taking such pleasure from his warmth. ‘There is nothing for you to feel sorry for. I am relieved to see you looking so well. I was so worried for you.’

‘I can’t help but feel bad for making you so concerned. I just….I felt so frightened when I heard something confirmed that deep down I’d guessed a long time ago. I was in a blind panic. So irrational.’ Lea raised her head and kissed him gently, just wanting to feel his lips against hers for a second.

‘Now, I am better. I promise. I am still sad about losing our connection one day – I will always be. It has helped me get to know you like nothing else could. But that panic…the fear…it wasn’t really about us, or about that. Does that make sense?’ She sighed contentedly as she leaned against him once more.

‘Will you come sit with me, Leaena?’ Not waiting for an answer, Cullen undid the clasp of her cloak, letting it fall to the floor as he led her to the chair and pulled her down on his lap. ‘I’ll keep you warm and, besides, I like the feel of you. I hope you don’t mind,’ he murmured as he let his hand softly stroke the hair away from her eyes.

‘Um, no, not really,’ she said, stammering a bit, completely distracted by the shivery sensation she got every time he touched her. ‘I enjoyed my letter very much by the way. Thank you for taking the time to write. It made a big difference.’

‘You have no idea how much parchment was on the floor. The quartermaster looked at me in horror as I asked for more – I think I used up their entire stock.’ He looked a bit sheepish, making her smile.

‘I am not very good with writing anything outside of military reports. But I wanted to let you know it would all work out. I thought a lot about what you had gone through whilst I was away, what I wanted to say to you.’ He turned to look outside the window. ‘How much time do we have before we meet everyone else?’

‘About an hour and a half. Why?’ Lea felt her curiosity rise.

‘Good. Because I am going to tell you a story,’ Cullen said slowly, ‘and, my lady Inquisitor, I want you to listen carefully - I will be testing you at the end.’

The amber embers in his eyes in his eyes intensified to a golden fire. ‘We have a lot of catching up to do by the way,’ he whispered as he gave her her a quick, searing kiss, before letting her sit back and lean on his chest.

_That was not enough. It never is. And now I want citrus fruits. Perhaps kissing you more will make up for it._

_Why did I think five minutes would be enough alone time with you? Trystan will understand._

Lea smiled, content in his arms, as she raised a hand to play with his hair, smoothing it down as she had wanted to earlier. Just to be able to touch him in that simple way gave her such pleasure.

‘There was once a beautiful princess who was locked in a tower…’ Lea rolled her eyes at him. ‘Cullen, seriously….’ she started before he rendered her speechless, slowly letting his finger first run over her top, then bottom lip.

He just smiled at her and carried on, all too aware of the effect he always had on her. ‘She had all sorts of magical powers that meant people were very scared of talking to her. There were some good people who loved her and wanted to help, but they ended up stifling her. She was never able to just be herself.’

‘There were big knights who were there to protect the princess.’ He now let his finger trail from her lips to slowly draw patterns down her neck. ‘But most people wanted to take advantage of her beauty, her strength and good nature. The princess learnt to freeze everyone out, to ignore them, before they could hurt her further.’

_I am listening…it’s just….if I was a cat I would be purring right now._

_And if you can hear my magic, you know that’s exactly what it’s doing._

Cullen had let his hand trail down the long split at the back of her dress, undoing the buttons so lightly she barely noticed as she luxuriated in the feel of his warm hand against her cool skin. ‘The princess tried so hard, but people everywhere kept using her for what she was, with no interest in who she was. Even worse, the people there to protect her used her as well, in the worst way possible.’

‘Then one day the world as she knew it ended. She fell out of a rift in the sky to a completely new life. She made new friends, gained new skills. There just happened to be a knight there in that group, somewhat altered, somewhat bruised, but still a knight.’ Lea smiled at that, saying nothing as she rested against him, enjoying the sound of his voice.

‘The moment he found her, he knew he would spend his life protecting her, the way she needed, the way she deserved.’ Cullen paused for a moment, studying her face as he slowly moved his hand over her back, keeping her relaxed.

‘Every day the princess did more for the people around her, for people across Thedas. She grew in power, facing demons and slaying countless enemies. She united kingdoms, making them work together. The princess even routed a darkspawn magister, saving a whole Inquisition. But she still did not believe in herself. She still felt fear, a biting insecurity. Because she was haunted by her past.’ He drew her to him for another lingering kiss before continuing, his lyrium continuing to sooth her as he spoke.

‘There is a point to this tale, my lady,’ Cullen said gently. ‘You were failed by the very people who had to protect you.’ He lifted his other hand and stroked her face, letting her feel his pride for her in what she had managed to overcome.

‘You have been made to feel the fear you do because of other people who have used you so badly in the past. Even your own family have sheltered you to the point of suffocation in their desperation to keep you safe.’ He smiled wryly. ‘I know how they feel. Every time I see you leave it’s all I can do to not run after you and lock you back in a tower again, just so I know you are protected. I would take your place in every battle you have to fight just to know you’ll be there at the end, waiting for me.’

_Cullen, what happened to you, for you to understand this so well?_

‘I know you would,’ Lea whispered, kissing him softly. His hand was making slow circles on her back still, his touch and his words making her feel more at peace with herself than she’d ever felt.

Cullen pulled her close to him then, putting both arms around her to hold her tightly as Lea rested her head on his shoulder. ‘I realise why you are so dependent on me, why you believe you need to have that permanent reassurance and comfort. Why you react the way you do, panicked, anxious, driven by you fears. I hate to see you suffer, but it will get better as you continue to face your demons and beat them. You have courage in spades, my lady, and you have already conquered so much.’

_But have you beaten all of yours?_

_One day, when you are able to tell me, I will do for you what you have done for me today._

‘As you seem to be in some doubt, for some reason I cannot fathom, I wanted to let you know that I am always here for you, to help you through this. You must never feel badly about needing me. I need you too, you know. It works both ways.’ He fell silent, letting her absorb his words.

It was everything Trystan had said. But hearing it from Cullen, knowing he recognised why she behaved the way she did, yet not judging her, still believing in her, having faith – Lea finally felt something make sense inside her that had never been there before. The permanent residence that self-hate and fear had always had within her suddenly lost their grip.

She sat up, taking his face in her hands and kissed him deeply, slowly, her love, thankfulness and hope flowing through her, her magic happily winding around his lyrium, enjoying being so close to him once more.

‘I love you. Do you realise what a special person you are?’ Lea was contemplative as she lifted her head, letting one hand run through his hair again. She kept the other one resting lightly on his face, teasing the stubble there absently with her fingers. He hadn’t shaved since she had left him at Redcliffe and she knew he was tired and anxious for her, as well as still having to live with his own burdens.

Cullen caught her hand that was on his face and pressed a kiss to her palm. ‘That tickles, my lady,’ he said, amusement in his voice as he watched her expression become playful.

‘Does it now?’ She let her other hand quickly go to the other side of his face before he caught that one too, laughing properly now, not letting her touch him.

‘Spoilsport,’ Lea pouted, about to say more until he kissed her into silence.

‘Later, my lady, I promise.’ He sobered slightly as he looked at her, his eyes holding hers. ‘I did mention giving you a test at the end of my tale. You do understand what I was saying don’t you Leaena?’

‘I do. I had a lot of thinking time whilst we were away those few days. And a very long talk with Varric and Cassandra which, surprisingly, really helped too.’ She gave a rueful chuckle. ‘I keep far too much bottled inside, struggling to trust. That was a start, speaking to them, trying to change that.’

Lea paused for a second, wanting to find the right words. ‘I still regret leaving you the way I did. I don’t want to be an encumbrance to you, Cullen, just as you wouldn’t want to be the same for me. I have been hiding from my past, refusing to face up to certain situations, sheer panic overwhelming me.’

He put his arms round her once more, waiting for her to continue as she took a deep breath, remembering what she wanted to say. ‘This whole thing with our connection was a wake-up call for me. To have part of me horrified at my behaviour, the other part unable to control myself? That has to change. Because if I don’t then one day I will break, and the mask I wear to deal with the outside world will shatter forever. And I don’t want you to witness that happening.’

Determination crept into her voice. ‘I don’t want to be that frightened, scared person any more. I will not be that Leaena Trevelyan again, letting my demons beat me. I have you, my family, friends here - things are different now. I am not saying it will be easy. I’m not saying I will transform overnight. But I am prepared to try.’

_I will do it for you._

_I do not want to hurt you ever again._

‘I am so proud of you, Leaena,’ Cullen replied, his eyes full of love and adoration for her. ‘You will be absolutely fine. I will be with you every step of the way.’

‘I shall hold you to that,’ she said with a smile, unable to resist kissing him as he pulled her close to him.

‘I love you,’ he whispered fiercely. ‘You are brave beyond belief, to do this.’

_So are you, Commander._

_I might just stay here in your arms for a bit._

Lea settled back against him, not wanting to move. ‘Brave means so many different things to everyone. I don’t always feel it you know. Well, hardly ever. But then we just have to get on with it at the end of the day, don’t we?’

‘True,’ he chuckled as he remembered something suddenly. ‘Did you know that Sera’s definition of brave was going out to punch a bear?’

‘What? How did I miss this?’ Lea started laughing.

‘She asked Cassandra if she ever punched a bear as part of her training. Apparently, this is something Seekers should all do to determine they are braver and, for that matter, better trained, than my soldiers.’ He grinned. ‘That was one of the more bizarre conversations I’ve ever had.’

‘You should have heard some of the things that she came out with whilst we were in the Hinterlands.’ Lea sat up, swinging her legs round as she tried to reach round to button her dress up again. ‘How did you get these undone? I hardly realised you were doing it.’

‘Deft fingers, my lady. Here, let me,’ Cullen said cheerfully as he rapidly did up her dress again. ‘We should leave, much though I would rather stay here with you and keep the doors locked for a week. Could you give me a few minutes to change?’

‘Of course.’ Lea stood and put on her cloak, gloves and staff as he went up to his room, idly looking out of the window behind his desk, admiring the view of the frozen river, sparkling in the mellow evening sunlight as she waited.

_I have never felt this calm, this confident. This positive._

_Maker, what a change already. Now I just need to sustain it._

He came down, strapping his sword back on before finding his cloak and gloves. ‘I wish we could stay too. But, we have a quick detour to make.’ She couldn’t hide the excitement in her voice as she took his hand.

‘That surprise you mentioned? By all means, let us go. Leaena,’ he said, stopping her as he held her hand up to his lips for a kiss. ‘You look beautiful by the way. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.’

_That must now break my record for blushing, surely._

Lea felt her cheeks glow again at Cullen’s compliment, his eyes warm, sincere in his appreciation of her. She suddenly felt overwhelmed with gratitude and love for all he had done for her, all the trouble and effort he had taken just to make sure she felt better.

‘Thank you, Cullen. For everything,’ she said gratefully.

‘Any time, my lady. It is what I am here for.’ He smiled, Lea sensing how pleased he was to see her like this – happy, relaxed and confident.

He held the door open for her as they stepped into the cold dusk air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally part of a much bigger chapter, but when I read it again, I really wanted to focus on Lea. The next part will follow shortly.


	55. Bait

‘We’re going to the tavern?’ Cullen said with surprise. ‘Do you need something to fortify you before we spend two hours in the War Room listening to nonstop arguing?’

‘Maker, no! I’d fall asleep,’ Lea replied before giving him a sideways glance, a teasing light in her eyes. ‘And anyway, you are just as bad, Commander.’

‘What is that expression? If you can’t beat them, then join them? I’m just following your example, Inquisitor.’ He tried and failed to keep his face impassive as she started to laugh.

_You should show this side more often. This is Cullen in front of me right now._

_Although Commander Cullen is really quite a devastating combination._

‘Thank you for suggesting that I am the worst kind of harpy leading everyone astray! Although I don’t know quite how you manage it with the three of us,’ she said as she shook her head. ‘It does get noisy at times doesn’t it?’

‘That is something I couldn’t possibly comment on, my lady. I have a finely honed sense of self-preservation….what?’ he said in mock protest as Lea looked at him disbelievingly. ‘I assure you that there will never be a right answer to that question. I wouldn’t be the only man to tell you that!’

‘Perhaps not,’ she conceded with a smile. ‘You are ever the gentleman, Commander.’

‘I try, my lady,’ he said, holding the door of the tavern open for her. ‘Maker, it’s loud in there tonight.’

‘We need to head to the second floor. I’ve asked that the Inquisition leadership have the space for the evening. It’s been a hard slog and I thought a night of us all together might help.’ As they walked up the stairs, Lea knew he could sense her rising excitement and anticipation, whilst he was hard-put to conceal his curiosity.

They arrived for Lea to see that the Wicked Grace game she’d left behind was still going strong, just with even more players than before, and with a ring of spectators making it quite possibly the noisiest card game she’d experienced.

‘Boss! Cullen!’ Bull roared. ‘Pull up a chair, join in. We’ve just finished this round. We need new blood.’

‘You mean more money for some of us to keep winning?’ Dorian asked, eyeing his not too inconsiderable pile of coin in front of him. ‘You may be a chess master, Commander, but I guarantee you, I’ll have you at Wicked Grace every time.’

‘Yeah, especially when the Nightingale decides to make things more interesting by using a marked deck,’ Varric grumbled.

‘Hush, Varric,’ Leliana chided as she laughed. ‘It was just the once. I was testing you. You’re just annoyed because you didn’t spot it sooner.’

Trystan came up the stairs with drinks just at that point, a broad smile appearing as he saw Cullen standing next to her.

She felt Cullen’s lyrium reverberate his shock as her brother put the tray to one side, both men shaking each other’s hands as they embraced.

‘Trystan? Maker’s Breath, what are you doing here?’ Cullen was almost speechless with his surprise.

‘That, my friend, is a long story, and one we will get to shortly I am sure. But is good to see you. There is much for us to catch up on.’ Trystan passed them both a mug each.

‘Varric, Cassandra, Cadan and Leliana – can you join us in five minutes, please?’ Lea asked as the two men continued talking. She looked around for Sera, seeing her, for some reason, hiding on the floor.

‘Would you be a love and let us use your room for a little while?’ Lea smiled at the elf as she joined her on the floor, fishing around in her pocket to find the toffee she’d bought her as a gift.

‘Go on then. Ooh Orlesian butterscotch? That’s for them posh twats. Gives me extra special sticky fingers, this does. That Vivvy better watch it later.’ Sera started to enjoy her present as she sat cross-legged on the floor. 

_You, Sera, are a genius._

_In line with my new-found, all-powerful, face my demons head on whatever, that particular issue is the very first one I will deal with._

‘I thought you might appreciate it. Speaking of posh twats, how do you feel about utilising those sticky fingers of yours on a special task for me?’ Lea grinned at Sera’s expectant expression.

‘Sticky fingers and the Inquisition? Doesn’t get much better, right? Spit it out then, time and bollocks,’ she said excitedly.

‘Our darling Vivvy is up to something. And I want to know what. Seeing as how you always manage to cover Cullen and Josephine’s reports in kisses and hearts before they manage to even read them, I thought you’d easily be able to get her letters for me.’ Lea couldn’t resist a chuckle at the memory of Cullen’s face as he found Sera’s latest artwork scrawled across one of his messages.

‘Your Cully-wully liked that one, he can’t deny it. I did the heart extra big for him and all, your name right through the middle with his. He should get that framed.’ She cocked her head to one side, grinning cheekily at Lea as she chewed her toffee with her mouth wide open.

‘Anyways, a chance to piss on that bitch? Owe her for Lord Samerath and those two servants. Why not, Quizzy? You give me all the fun stuff to do. None of that countryside shit now, this is more like it,’ Sera agreed happily as she gurgled with laughter, before rolling away and disappearing from the room suddenly.

_And done._

_That actually has made me feel even better. Why did I not do this before?_

Lea stood, dusting herself off slightly. She knew why she hadn’t done it before. She hadn’t had the confidence to do so. She looked across to where Cullen was, talking to her two brothers, the worry and anxiety she’d sensed in him earlier gone. Her magic was curled up happily against his lyrium once more. She found that the bitter sting consuming her since they had left for Redcliffe had faded, leaving her with simple thanks that she still had a chance to experience the unique connection they both shared.

Cullen’s faith, his belief in her, in what they were doing – that had given her the opportunity to shape her own journey, rather than be the helpless spectator she so often felt she was. He knew she had been moved beyond words by what he’d said to her earlier, helping her take back control of her life once more.

‘It’s a rather impressive sight isn’t it?’ Cassandra had come to stand next to her as they waited to go to their meeting, following Lea’s gaze. ‘You have gathered quite the group of beautiful people around you, Inquisitor.’

It hadn’t escaped Lea’s attention that, in the brief time she’d been there, the Seeker’s eyes had continually strayed to Trystan, no matter how hard she was trying not to. Just like they were fixed on him now as she was speaking.

‘I trust you include yourself in that number. I know more than a few people who would agree with me,’ she said lightly.

Cassandra flushed hotly at Lea’s words. ‘There is no time for such luxuries as flirtation, Inquisitor. I have many duties that occupy me.’

_I am not going to get involved._

_But….he’s my brother and she is my friend and I want to see them happy._

‘Don’t let life pass you by, Cassandra. Romance and passion can thrive in places where you’d least expect it. Everyone deserves the Maker-given chance to find love.’ Lea said no more, letting her words sit with the other woman as she gestured to the others to join them.

Cassandra’s expression had become even more unforgiving.

_I always take that as a good sign. Dorian tells me that’s quite brave to do so._

_But it does mean she’s thinking it over._

Lea glanced around the room, her gaze narrowing as she saw Josephine and Blackwall sat next to each other. So far there was nothing that she could see out of the ordinary but the night was yet young.

_People aren’t drunk enough yet. I’m sure that will change._

\-----

‘Thank you everyone. I’m sorry to drag you away from what appears to be a rather scintillating game of Wicked Grace.’

They were sat in Sera’s room, everyone comfortable on the large window seat.

‘I have bought us together to discuss what Trystan has discovered with regards to the Red Templar threat posed by Samson, Corypheus’ general. It seems that both he and Cullen have been tracking down information which, when put together, gives us the clues we were looking for.’ Lea looked to Trystan to continue.

‘Some of us were concerned, well before the Conclave, by the threat red lyrium posed to the Order given the events at Kirkwall. There were rumours over the subsequent years of more red lyrium reaching the surface, Templars becoming corrupted, addicts turning to this new form of lyrium to satisfy their cravings.’ He shook his head sadly. ‘I volunteered to look into it further. By necessity it was kept secret, so we wouldn’t scare anyone off.’

‘When at the Conclave, I was able to secure some leads that I had to follow up immediately. I was able to slip away easily amidst the chaos, the information I had sending me into Emprise du Lyon and the Emerald Graves whilst I tried to find Samson. There is certainly Red Templar activity there, but he remains elusive. I did not pursue the location of the mines because I then found out about Therinfal Redoubt and Lord Seeker Lucius’ actions.’ Trystan paused, waiting to see if anyone wanted to add anything further.

‘He withdrew the whole Order there. We did not know why,’ Cassandra said heavily. ‘He was a different man when we saw him in Val Royaeux. I have just discovered the location of the remaining Seekers – Caer Oswin of all places - and I hope to travel there soon to confront him.’

_Oh Trystan, this is why there is a darkness in your eyes. What did you see?_

‘Be very wary, Cassandra, when you go. I managed to get to the fortress and what has happened….’ He broke off, unable to hide his distress. ‘Samson is feeding the Templars red lyrium. Men and women who I knew, now corrupted beyond reason. The fortress is now abandoned, Samson having withdrawn them all somewhere else. Maker, it was a mess. I couldn’t stay too long as I found the information on the Carta smuggling red lyrium which I didn’t want to miss. I hardly wanted to hang around anyway. It was too horrific for words.’

_I want to be sick._

_Samson is evil. I won’t let him win this time._

‘This is as Dorian and I saw in the future, the plague that is red lyrium infecting everything it touches. We must stop it. And stop Samson.’ Lea said quietly.

‘We will, Inquisitor,’ Cullen said, sounding as ill as she felt. ‘I have had word from my scouts in the Emerald Graves. They have heard of a caravan that will pass through soon with a shipment of red lyrium. If we intercept it we can find out more about where these mines are. And that will lead us to Samson.’

‘My agents will look into what happened at Therinfal Redoubt,’ Leliana added. ‘We could perhaps ask the Chargers to assist us so Cullen’s forces can remain focussed on what is unfolding in Orlais.’

‘Good idea,’ Lea nodded her agreement. ‘I will issue the order this evening.’

‘Alistair cannot, unfortunately, commit any more resources at the moment as Celene and Gaspard’s spat threatens to overflow into Ferelden. He has said though, that you have the freedom to do whatever you need to eliminate this threat from his kingdom. Of course,’ Cadan finished with a grin, ‘he did add he can only offer you his everlasting gratitude by way of payment, but I think you’ll be able to cash in on more than one favour from the King of Ferelden any time you need it, Lea.’

_Trust Alistair to always find a way to lighten the mood, even when he’s not here._

‘Well, it sounds like we are organised. We wait for word from Cullen’s scouts for when the caravan is due to pass. It is not far to the Emerald Graves now with the new road – we can be there in a couple of days or so. Leliana will work with the Chargers to find clues at Therinfal whilst Cassandra will visit the Seekers. Our ultimate goal here is to bring Samson and his Red Templar armies down before they can get to us.’ Lea paused in her summary, looking at Varric.

‘We have already stopped one red lyrium supply from the Deep Roads, preventing the Carta from expanding their operation. How did they get to it though, Varric? This has been bothering me for some time.’ She looked questioningly at the dwarf.

‘You’re not the only one. Someone must have leaked the location of the thaig from our original expedition with Hawke. It’s possible – there were hired hands and people who were not completely loyal to us. I’m working on it,’ he promised.

‘Removing every speck of red lyrium from Thedas has become a bit of a personal goal of mine,’ Lea said firmly. ‘I have seen, and experienced first-hand, the destruction it can cause. It must be eliminated.’

‘Here’s something that may help too. This just came from the Prince of Starkahaven, Lea,’ Leliana passed a letter to her.

Lea scanned it quickly, smiling as she closed it. ‘He’s on another holy crusade. But a very worthy one. Sebastian has offered to send Starkhaven forces to clear Kirkwall and help rebuild the city. Cullen, would you mind looking into this? I think we should be seen to be helping.’

‘Certainly,’ he said as he took the letter from her. ‘I might send Rylen to investigate. He will appreciate being back in the Marches for a spell. It will be difficult to restore the city if we do not remove the red lyrium first.’

_Damn, something else I will have to sort out._

Cadan had remained impassive at the mention of the man who Josephine had, by all accounts, latched onto during Lea’s absence. But she knew her twin too well, not missing the momentary pain that flashed through his eyes.

‘I think we are done, everyone. Thank you once again. We will give an outline of this discussion at our meeting tomorrow. Enjoy the rest of the night – the bill is going to the Inquisition,’ she smiled at them all as they filed out.

Cullen waited for her, sensing her disquiet. ‘How are you, my lady?’

_I wish we were somewhere else. Where I could hold you properly._

Les sighed, staring sightlessly out over the now dark courtyard. ‘Samson. Who else? He’s back, playing a starring role in my nightmares, oozing red lyrium from every pore. I haven’t slept properly since I left you in Redcliffe. You will have to forgive me - even with my new-found resolve, I know I will never sleep well without you by my side.’

‘Leaena,’ he said softly, his lyrium warming her as it wrapped around her magic, ‘do you want to leave? You need to sleep.’

_Maker, I would like nothing better._

_No one will see me if I just…._

She turned and smiled at him, her fingers tracing the outline of his face for a moment, savouring his warmth. ‘So do you, Cullen. I suspect I’m not the only one with insomnia and memories haunting me through the night. If you’re going to get through this lyrium withdrawal you must keep up your strength.’

Lea waved her hand in irritation towards the door. ‘Unfortunately I have to stay. Dorian hinted that Cadan and Josephine’s little drama is spilling over into Inquisition business.’

‘I heard,’ he replied in exasperation. ‘It’s another reason for me to send Rylen off for a while. The poor man had no idea what had hit him when she wouldn’t leave him alone.’

‘She’s moved on to Blackwall now. I suppose I should be pleased if his attention is diverted from me.’ Lea stopped suddenly as she felt his anger towards the other man, combined with his jealousy and possessiveness, shoot through his lyrium. ‘Cullen….’

_Why did I say anything? Sometimes I am so stupid._

‘No, my lady, don’t remind me. We’ve had this argument countless times – I don’t need…..’ he made a visible effort to control his frustration, his hand rubbing his neck. ‘It is your decision. Let’s not waste more energy on this subject. What do you want to do about Josephine?’

Lea let it go. He was right, it was a pointless discussion to have. No amount of her reassurances, verbal or through her magic, would ever help. Cullen couldn’t stand Blackwall and wouldn’t be happy till the man was gone from her presence.

She thought for a moment, thinking of the best strategy. ‘Watch for now. See what happens. Josephine is entitled to fuck up her own personal life any way she chooses, but if she makes it so difficult for Cadan that it drives him from Skyhold then I will have her hide. The fact he is my twin is irrelevant – we are lucky that Alistair has lent him to us, especially as there are so few people he trusts at court. It is a big deal for him to have sent Cadan as his representative.’

‘If he leaves then Josephine can go and explain to the King herself why she deemed her own petty needs for revenge to be above the interests of both the Inquisition and Ferelden,’ Lea snapped, her patience at an end. ‘I can’t believe I have to sort this out. What has gotten into her? This is so out of character. Any suggestions are welcome by the way.’

Cullen laughed. ‘This is one I am leaving to you to handle, although I think your assessment of the situation is accurate. These are the sorts of things a humble ex-Templar has no understanding of. Just remember, when people are hurt, it leads them to behave in a manner they would normally never consider.’

He reached for her hand then, his eyes glowing amber-gold, watching her steadily as his thumb made circles on her palm. ‘Love is not rational, my lady.’

_Yet, for a humble ex-Templar, that was all quite insightful._

_And you’re not referring to either my twin or our Ambassador._

‘No,’ she said softly, ‘it isn’t.’ She felt herself slowly unwind, the horror of what they had been discussing earlier fading away. It was so good to have Cullen near her again. ‘But I wouldn’t change anything.’

‘Neither would I.’ He didn’t move his hand as Lea leant against him, resting her head on his arm, allowing herself to feel his strength, her magic coiling up closer to his lyrium, comforting her.

She sighed. ‘For my sins, I would always prefer to spend time with you. But, seeing as it was my bright idea to have an impromptu night out with everyone, I should be out there. And no, you don’t get to go and sit looking through dreary reports on supply routes in your tower all night. You stay here and have some fun for once.’

‘As you command, Inquisitor,’ he said with a smile. ‘You look happy, my lady. I sensed something was up, but never did I dream that you’d bought your brother here. Trystan told me how you found him. I’m so pleased for you. It must have been such a relief.’

‘I didn’t realise how worried I had been until he showed up. I’m afraid I let a tirade of bad language loose when he sneaked in behind us and scared the living daylights out of me,’ she said ruefully. ‘We were right in the middle of quite a tough fight against the Carta leader when Trystan announced himself by having the cheek to tell me I was out of practice.’

‘You, swearing, Leaena? I’d never have believed it,’ he laughed as Lea blushed. ‘Trystan is one of the very few people I’d call a friend. I am glad you have him back. Maker,’ he said as he remembered, ‘I haven’t even shown you that training area yet, that is how busy we have been. I shall do so tomorrow. Not because I think you are out of practice though.’

‘Me too. Damn,’ she grumbled as she stood up straight again. ‘I suppose we had better go and be sociable.’

‘Tell me when you’re ready to leave, my lady. We don’t have to stay long if you don’t want to.’ She felt his concern, still hesitant that she was better, not wanting her to have to struggle.

‘It’s alright. We should have some fun. Can I get you a drink? I need to send those orders to the Chargers before I forget.’ She looked around for something to seal her note.

‘Here, let me,’ Cullen found some, holding the folded parchment as she slipped off her ring, pressing her Inquisitor seal into the hot wax. ‘I’ll take it down for you, Leaena. You relax. Do you want anything?’

‘Whiskey, please. Thank you Cullen,’ Lea’s eyes shone as she looked up at him, quickly pressing her lips to his cheek.

_There is still the rest of the night. I can be patient._

‘Later, my lady,’ he whispered, sensing what she truly wanted as her magic demanding more of him. He dropped a kiss on that sensitive spot he knew she had right behind her ear, smiling as he left her, the slow burn of desire starting  to flicker out across her abdomen.

_I’m not going to be able to focus on much else now._

‘Boss! Cards!’ Bull yelled for her, forcing her to leave the room.

With a smile, Lea took a seat at the table.

‘So, what did I miss? Deal me in, Cadan. I’m ready.’

\------

Lea had enjoyed her evening of cards more than she had expected. It was relaxing to focus on something else aside from all the turmoil of the past few days, the weight of the world on her shoulders. She’d done tolerably well, not winning a huge amount but not losing a huge amount either.

Cullen and Trystan had not joined in, going to sit at a different table to talk. She knew they had known each other since Cullen had started to serve in Kirkwall.

_It is good to see him with friends, just like that time back in Haven._

_Maker, this is good for all of us. It shows the people behind the titles. I will have to arrange these more regularly._

She had mainly, however, wanted to observe Josephine in an attempt to understand what the other woman was about. She and Blackwall had, as Lea anticipated, become quite drunk over the course of the evening. At first it simply seemed as if it was two friends sharing a drink, but she then watched Josephine become more and more provocative in her actions and behaviour. All while she kept Cadan firmly in her sights.

To be fair to Blackwall, he looked rather uncomfortable, not quite knowing how to completely extricate himself from the situation, but not wanting to leave someone so clearly vulnerable on their own.

_Josephine, you are a lovely lady. Why are you doing this to yourself? You’re practically undressing yourself in front of the whole room, draping yourself over Blackwall._

_She’s getting drunk to have the courage to try and do something to Cadan, making herself look like a complete idiot because she takes it too far. Maker, what a mess._

Lea felt her frustration rise.

_It’s like being a teenage apprentice all over again and that was bad enough the first time round._

‘Why didn’t anyone tell me about this?’ Lea whispered to Leliana, gesturing to Josephine. She was standing and trying to wind her body around Blackwall, who was slowly backing away.

‘I was hoping she had stopped,’ Leliana whispered back, her upset clear from her tone. ‘I spoke to her about it when she launched herself at Knight-Captain Rylen, but I haven’t seen her be so blatant.’

‘When did it start?’ Lea demanded ‘I knew she was playing some petty games but this is something else entirely.’

‘The day you left for Redcliffe. So only the last week or so.’ Leliana looked at her friend worriedly.

‘Make sure she is in the War Room, tomorrow morning, at eight sharp, sober, just the three of us. We need to stop this before she completely loses everyone’s respect. She can’t go around pouncing on men too polite to tell her to fuck off just to hurt Cadan. She’s just hurting herself. And for the love of Andraste, order plenty of coffee and toast.’ Leliana nodded her agreement as Lea looked across at her twin.

‘He’s done well to ignore her the way he has. When he tried to get her to stop it got worse.’ Leliana’s voice was sad. ‘He thinks he deserves to be treated so poorly.’

Lea could only nod, her heart breaking for Cadan.

People were starting to leave. Aside from this very strange behaviour from Josephine, it had been a fun evening.

She tried to hide a yawn as Blackwall and Josephine approached her. ‘Let’s not leave it so long to have another get-together. That was fun.’

‘Good idea, Inquisitor,’ Blackwall said as he gratefully unpeeled himself from Josephine.

‘Inquishitor….’ Lea tried hard to not wince at how drunk Josephine had become.

_This is really not good._

_Josephine is so controlled normally. She must be hurting badly too._

‘Leliana, why don’t you escort Josephine back to her room? Good night to you both.’ Lea’s voice left no room for negotiation, as Leliana took the Ambassador’s arm firmly and steered her down the stairs, ignoring her slurred protests.  

‘I’m sorry about Josephine,’ Lea said to Blackwall as he walked past. ‘I don’t think she’s in a terribly happy place right now. I will speak to her tomorrow.’

‘I will look out for her, Inquisitor,’ he replied solemnly. ‘It’s why I stayed by her side tonight. Better she tries this sort of thing with me rather than someone who might not realise she doesn’t mean any of it.’

‘Thank you Blackwall, I do appreciate it. Hopefully this will be the last night we see this type of behaviour. She is going to hate herself enough as it is when she wakes in the morning,’ Lea said half to herself.

She felt uncomfortable as Blackwall’s gaze stayed on her a fraction too long. ‘Good night,’ she said awkwardly, turning before she could see the unnerving yearning in his eyes get stronger. She heard him move off wordlessly, breathing a sigh of relief as heavy footsteps took him down the stairs.

She had immediately felt Cullen’s reaction, his lyrium searching, questioning, wanting to know what had made her feel so uneasy. As he looked up at her, she smiled at him, gesturing that she was fine. Lea felt him relax as he saw she was with Cadan.

_Thank the Maker he didn’t see that._

_I want to speak to Cadan._

Lea looked around, seeing it was just her twin, Trystan and Cullen left. The latter two had sunk back deep into conversation whilst Cadan had been leaning against the back wall, watching as Josephine made her unsteady exit. She could tell how unhappy he was, how sad he was that things were working out the way they were.

‘Give me a minute,’ she said to him as she walked across.

‘Where else would I go, Lea? You take your time.’ He was bitter.

_Are we all such fools in love? I must have been too._

_Who am I kidding? I always will be when it comes to Cullen._

Lea ran downstairs, getting a bottle of Cadan’s favourite brandy and headed back up again. He’d sat down, starting slightly as she sat opposite, pouring them both a drink.

‘This is the second time I’ve said this to one of my brothers this week. Talk. Now.’ Lea looked at him firmly, not prepared to take no for an answer.

‘Lea….’ He sighed. ‘It’s complicated.’

‘Of course it is. It’s as complicated as you want to make it, Cadan.’ Lea refused to be put off.

He tossed back his drink, pouring himself some more. ‘Good of the Inquisition to fund the drinking habit I seem to have developed since coming here,’ he said, his voice dark.

‘Cadan, it’s me. Lea. You can be honest. Just tell me what in the Maker’s name has gone wrong. I had hopes that you and Josephine had at least put your differences behind one another.’ She was worried. It wasn’t like Cadan to drink to excess.

‘Fuck. I don’t even know where to begin. I thought after Haven, when I found out you…she….you were all safe, it was such a relief. We had started to work things through there before Alistair called me back. Just getting to be friends. I didn’t dare hope for anything more. Then I came back, looking forward to picking up where we left off, building her trust in me again.’ He reached for his drink again before topping hers up, his face reflecting his confusion.

‘I came back and everything seemed fine at first. We were going for walks together, talking, laughing. Then, one evening, a Nevarran delegation arrived – part of the peace process that Josie is working on. There’s a woman there – Katja, one of Markus’ advisors. We have…history. But it was a long time ago. Before I met her. Katja and I were just catching up here, in the tavern. She gave me a goodbye kiss on the lips as she was leaving that evening just as Josie walked in. I swear, I had nothing to do with it – I was not expecting it. And these last two weeks since have been a nightmare.’ He put his head between his arms on the table, groaning at the memory.

‘Your past coming back to haunt you? So she got insanely jealous, thought you were cheating and not interested and has been trying to punish you ever since? For fuck’s sake, give me a drink. This whole situation is giving me a headache.’ Lea drained her glass, filling it again.

_If it gets him to talk, to open up…….I’ll survive a night of brandy._

‘Essentially yes, that’s it in a nutshell. But Lea – I hurt her so badly in the past….I deserve this.’ Lea’s heart twisted at the sadness in his voice.

‘You’ve never spoken fully of it, Cadan. Tell me what happened,’ she said gently.

‘I needed to get access to an estate I knew she could get me into. Josie was a bard at the time in Val Royaeux. It was at the height of tensions between Ferelden and Orlais and an attack was being planned. I was working for Freya by then but as a spy, not in this role. Because I am from a Marcher noble house it was the perfect cover.’ His voice had turned bitter.

‘I deliberately set out to seduce her, make her fall in love with me so I could get the information I needed. It worked to perfection. Documents that would help Ferelden in any incursion against Orlais were secured. And I broke her heart when I disappeared the night of the raid. I crossed some unwritten line. She hasn’t forgiven me yet it would seem.’ He swirled the brandy around in his glass, his eyes almost black with his pain.

‘I broke my heart in the process as well.’ Cadan whispered as Lea reached out to hold his hand.

‘You haven’t forgiven you yet, let alone Josephine,’ she replied, hoping he would listen. ‘Cadan ….you were at war. It isn’t pretty and it isn’t fun. People do what they must. It’s where we are now. I will do what I must to bring Corypheus down. Just as you did your duty, what you needed to do.’

‘Never sacrifice duty for love, Lea,’ Cadan said harshly. ‘What you and Cullen have – it’s special. Precious. Don’t waste it. I’m jealous of you, sister, if I’m honest.’

‘What!’ she exclaimed. ‘Why?’

‘Because you have what you have and I ruined my chance. Maker’s balls, listen to me sounding so morose. Let’s just leave this as everything Josie does to me I deserve. I tried to say something to her earlier in the week and I got such a torrent of Antivan that I had to back away again. I appreciate you offering to talk, Lea, but there’s nothing to be done.’ He filled her glass again, Lea recognising that Cadan had shut himself off again.

‘You are doing a fine job here though,’ he said in a softer tone. ‘We are all so proud of you, Lea. You seem different tonight as well, more confident.’

‘I had…..a bad turn a week ago,’ Lea said hesitantly. ‘And I decided I don’t want to be that person anymore.’

Cadan looked at her with approval. ‘You will be just fine, sister. You are tough. You have good people round you too, although what the fuck Vivienne is still doing here I have no idea.’

She grinned. ‘Interesting you should raise that. I fully intend on finding out exactly why she is here, eradicating any threat before physically throwing her out of the gates of Skyhold myself - once I am done dragging her name through the sewer. You are welcome to help me if you wish. I have a…..helper getting me the information I need first.’

‘Now that is progress, Lea. For the first time you want to deal with the woman who is the root cause of everything. Tell me when you have something more and we will make a plan.’ He smiled at her properly for the first time that evening, pleased to see her so much more positive.

‘Now, this may be childish of me, but here’s a toast to seeing Madame de Fer on her ass outside Skyhold. Preferably with those wretchedly expensive robes dunked in the mud,’ he said, laughing as their glasses met in the air.

‘That sounds like something I could drink to,’ Trystan said cheerfully as he and Cullen joined them at their table. ‘I forgot how noisy you two get when you start drinking. Is there any spare?’

‘Of course,’ Lea said as they sat down with them, pouring them both a glass. ‘I was just telling Cadan of my excellent plan to rid Skyhold of its least popular inhabitant. And no, I will not be a forgiving Inquisitor in this instance whatsoever. The woman is planning mischief on a grand scale and I won’t stand for it. Want to know what I was thinking? Although I haven’t got very far yet.’

‘It’s the intent which is the main thing, my lady. Once that is in place, everything will flow from there. Just watch.’ Cullen was next to her, looking at her with such pride for even starting the conversation about confronting Vivienne at last. She could feel his admiration and respect for how far she had come since those early days at Haven. She let herself relax with the sensation of his lyrium lazily snaking contentedly around her magic.

‘Absolutely right, Cullen.’ Cadan agreed. ‘Tell us more Lea.’

Encouraged, she started to sketch out her ideas on how to bring down the woman who had tried to do the same to her so many years ago.

\-------

The bottle of brandy stood empty, the Herald’s Rest now deserted aside from Cabot clearing up downstairs. Trystan and Cadan had left a few minutes previously, merrily taking their leave of the two of them. Lea was relieved that her twin had finished the night on a positive note rather than the black mood he had been in since she returned from the Deep Roads.

She yawned as she stood up. ‘Oops,’ she laughed, as she sat on the table, holding onto the side with her hands, ‘that brandy was a bit stronger than I realised.’

‘A bit drunk, my lady?’ Cullen said as he looked around. ‘Where did you put your cloak and staff?’

‘Umm. Oh yes, in the corner.’ She smiled happily at him as he went to collect them for her. Lea wasn’t inebriated but she had that slightly hazy, relaxed glow that only came from having drunk a bit too much. It had turned into a very good evening.

‘I’m raiding Solas’ potion cupboard on the way back. I have to be at the sparring grounds at seven to start my Knight Enchanter training. It’s my first session.’

‘Try not to collapse on your trainer with a hangover, would be my only advice,’ he teased her. ‘Knight Enchanters tend to be a stern bunch.’

‘I always thought of them as magical Templars. Which, now I say it, makes no sense seeing as it’s the complete opposite. Solas approved. _Dirth'ena Enasalin_ , Arcane Warriors – that is where the whole concept comes from. Although don’t let him know I just mutilated the pronunciation.’ Cullen came up to her, draping her cloak over her shoulders.

_Hang on. There’s something I haven’t had from you yet._

_What you teased me with earlier was not nearly enough._

As he was about to do her cloak up for her, Lea put her hands on his arms, pulling him towards her so he stood between her thighs. Immediately she felt the shift within him as she wrapped her legs around his, wanting to get as close to him as possible. His eyes filled with the golden blaze that sent sparks through her veins as her body heated from the intense heat that shot through his lyrium straight to her.

‘You have been remiss, Commander.’ Lea looked up at him, running her hands up his arms, lingering over the outline of each defined muscle as she savoured the feel of his strength. ‘I don’t believe you’ve kissed me properly yet since I returned.’

His eyes flickered down to see her dress, now pushed up high on her thighs, just revealing the tops of her stockings. His hands ran down her sides and onto her legs, sliding up the hem further as his fingers teased the skin above the tops of her stockings.

‘I know. It has taken far too long, particularly given the way you look tonight, but I was about to rectify that particular oversight. You beat me to it.’ Cullen’s eyes slowly ran down her body again. ‘I approve of this outfit very much by the way, Inquisitor,’ he said, his eyes continuing to strip her of each item of clothing, making her shiver with delicious anticipation.

Lea took a sharp intake of breath as white-hot sparks flew up from her skin where his fingers had left a burning trail. She felt that warm heat she loved to feel within her rise rapidly as she ran her hands up to his neck, pulling him to her for a kiss.

She let her tongue slip into his mouth, tasting the hint of brandy they’d both had. Lea was unable to stop herself from moaning as he slid his fingers underneath the top of one stocking, trailing them slowly from her outer to inner thigh, caressing the soft skin at the very top of her leg, making her desperate for his hand to move higher.

His other hand was on her back, holding her to him as he kissed her back. She could feel how hard he was, making Lea wish he’d take her right there on the table.

The sound of glass breaking made them both look up in surprise, having completely forgotten where they were. Lea couldn’t help but laugh at the irritation on Cullen’s face at being disturbed.

He started to laugh as well as they reluctantly separated themselves from one another. ‘People seem destined to interrupt us unless we lock ourselves in somewhere. Actually, what a good idea that is,’ he murmured, kissing her lightly on her nose.

‘Where shall we go to hide ourselves away then? I am not nearly done with you, Cullen,’ Lea replied, her eyes roving over him leisurely, filled with expectation for what was still to come.

‘How about your quarters, my lady? I find myself wanting some luxury this evening.’ He gave her a quick kiss before pulling her cloak back up and doing it up quickly for her.

She hopped down from the table, finding her legs a bit shakey as she grabbed him for support.

‘How much did you drink, Leaena?’ he teased, knowing full well the real reason she was wobbling. He tried not to laugh as she struggled with her staff’s straps, her hands still shaking from how much she wanted him. ‘Can I help?’  

‘I am not drunk,’ she said haughtily, ignoring his last question as she finally managed to strap her staff on. ‘Merely tipsy. There is a difference.’

She walked to the stairs, pulling on her gloves and suddenly squeaked as Cullen picked her up. ‘Arms round my neck, my lady,’ he instructed. ‘Believe me, this is easier than trying to get you down the stairs right now.’

‘Well, if you insist.’ She settled in happily for her short trip down the stairs, both of them thanking Cabot on their way out for an enjoyable evening.

The taciturn barkeep for once was startled out of his dour demeanour by the never-before seen sight of the Commander of the Inquisition carrying the Inquisitor in his arms, down the stairs and out the door of his tavern. Both of them were slightly drunk, both of them were laughing and both of them were very much in love.

Sera did a somersault onto Cabot’s clean bar as the door swung closed, helping herself to the nuts she knew he kept hidden underneath the glasses. As he continued to stand, open mouthed, she threw a few at him to see if he still moved or not.

‘Urgh it’s not difficult! Boy. Girl. Smoochy kissy. Nah. Still doesn’t move.’ She skipped away, laughing, back up the stairs. ‘Watch for flies - don’t say I didn’t warn you!’

\-----

‘Cullen, don’t you want to put me down? I can walk you know.’ Lea held onto him tighter so she could feel him better as they crossed the deserted courtyard, bathed in moonlight.

‘Not particularly my lady, especially if we can elicit another reaction like Cabot’s from someone else.’ They both started to laugh again at the reminder of his stupefied expression.

‘The poor man didn’t know where to look,’ she said giggling. ‘Shit, did I just make that noise?’

‘That rather cute giggle? Yes, that was you, my lady. Feel free to do it again if you like. Damn. Don’t Orlesians ever sleep?’ They had reached the main hall entrance where Cullen stopped.

‘The hall is still full of nobles, my lady,’ he said. ‘Much though I would love to fuck it and carry you through that pack of rabid wolves, throwing convention to the wind, I think, sadly we will have to bow to it on this occasion.’

‘Oh, very well,’ she said, laughing. ‘You have me too used to being carried everywhere these days.’

‘And the silly thing is,’ she whispered, ‘you’re coming into my quarters. But so long as we don’t flaunt our relationship that’s fine. Everything behind closed doors.’

‘It’s called hypocrisy, my lady,’ he whispered back as the nobles were again prevented from approaching Lea as Cullen walked by her side. ‘It’s what the whole empire is built on.’

They finally made it to her quarters, Lea closing her door and locking it with relief.

‘Thank the Maker. It’s like trying to make my way through a pack of hyenas. And that’s on a good day.’ She hung up her staff and cloak, throwing her gloves on a chair, turning to look at him as she stood by her desk.

A smile slowly curved her lips as she saw his expression. She could feel what he wanted, the heat of his lyrium inside her only adding to the flames that had reignited in her core. Lea slid onto her desk, pushing up her dress.

‘I do believe this is the position I was in, Cullen. Are you not going to come and join me?’ She let one hands slide onto her inner thighs, her skin pale against the black silk as her legs spread slightly.

Not needing any more of an invitation, he walked forward, taking his time to enjoy looking at her.

_Before I would have wanted to hide._

_Now it gives me pleasure to see how much he enjoys me._

Lea raised her chin slightly, letting her hands slide up the sides of her body, flicking her hair over her shoulders to tumble down her back. A sensuous smile played on her lips as she saw his eyes darken to a deep gold, his desire for her evident.

Cullen stood between her thighs, not kissing her yet, running his hands down the sides of her body and over her legs to the tops of her boots. She put her legs around his again, leaning back on her hands.

‘Have I told you that, the moment I saw you wearing these boots, the only thing I could think of was your legs wrapped around me whilst I was inside you?’ He leant to kiss her neck softy, his teeth gently grazing against her skin, making her shiver in pleasure.

‘I remember exactly when it was. Outside of the Chantry in Haven where you gave the Chancellor such a magnificent set-down.’ His hands moved underneath her dress, slowly stroking her sides, lightly skimming over her stomach, making her suck in a breath at the sensation.

‘There was another time in the operations room, when I saw you in them again. I didn’t say much in that meeting. I was too busy imagining having you in exactly this position, what I could do to you, what you might like.’ He ran his hands up her back, unbuttoning the dress, Lea sitting forward so he could slide it over her head.  

‘As ever, my lady, the reality is far better than my imagination.’ He leant her back a bit, letting his eyes roam over her body, memorising Lea in that position, his hands still stroking her sides, not able to stop touching her.

‘When I saw these, I knew they would be perfect,’ Lea murmured, her body on fire from his touch, desperate to see more of him. She sat forward, edging his shirt from his breeches as he quickly pulled it over his head.

She ran one red fingernail across his chest, slowly tracing each muscle on his chest, circling each nipple before letting all her nails lightly drag down the centre of his stomach. ‘You see, in my mind, I’d have my legs wrapped around you, certainly at some point. ’

Lea sat up, looking at him still, the fire in his eyes, the need through his lyrium almost completely distracting her from what she wanted to do. She undid his breeches, letting him step out of them as she took his hard cock in her hand, delighting in the feel of its smooth heat. ‘I remember that day in the operations room too, what I wanted to do. I wanted to be kneeling before you, taking you in my mouth, sucking your cock and tasting your come, dressed exactly the way I am now.’

She slipped off the desk, kneeling before him, licking his cock slowly as her hands and nails ran up and down the backs of his legs, letting her tongue tease him, feeling the satisfaction within her as he let out a low hiss, groaning her name.

She looked up to see Cullen watching her intently, waiting to see what she would do next. He was finding it hugely erotic that she was enjoying his body in such a sensual way, dressed the way she was, having taken control of this particular encounter.

Lea took all of his cock in her mouth then, letting her nails tease his balls lightly as she took her time to slide her mouth up and down, lightly flickering her tongue over its head. He had his hands clenched by his side, his breathing faster. Lea stopped for a second, smiling up at him. ‘You can touch me Cullen,’ she whispered as she went to taste him again.

Both of his hands went to her head, slowly entwining her hair round his fingers as he let his fingertips rest lightly on her scalp. Lea wasn’t going fast, gently teasing him with her mouth before releasing his cock to let her tongue slide over his balls before running it along his cock once more. She licked the precome off the end, before slowly rising and standing in front of him, one hand running up his body whilst the other took his cock in her hand.

‘That was just the first part,’ she whispered, kissing him now as she let her other hand play with his cock. She stood back after a moment to slide her pants and bra off, leaving her clad just in her stockings and boots before him.

‘The second part involved me being on a desk. You standing in front of me, enjoying your view.’ Lea slid back onto the desk, leaning back on one hand as she placed one leg on the table. Her other hand slid down to stroke her clit, parting her lips and sliding a finger in to tease herself, whilst watching him as he started to stroke his cock, unable to take his eyes from her.

‘I love to see you like that, Cullen, your cock hard, wrapped around your fist as you stroke yourself, wanting me, thinking about how you’re going to fuck me.’ Her voice was trembling with her overriding need to have him inside her, but wanting to draw out the amazingly sensual conversation for as long as possible.

‘That night when I felt you make yourself come? You gave me one of the most explosive orgasms I’ve ever had.’ A smile appeared as she saw him jerk involuntarily at the memory of having felt her come. He could see how wet she was, how she needed to feel him soon.

‘And that desk I mentioned earlier? I used to think of this scenario, on the operations table. I still do, in the War Room during all those long, tedious meetings.’ She glanced at the table she was on now, watching him struggle to stay away from her, still slowly stroking his cock. ‘Perhaps, Commander, you’d find fucking me on the Inquisitor’s desk an acceptable substitute?’

Cullen moved towards her slowly then, placing both her hands behind her, lifting her legs so she had them wrapped around him, tilting her off the desk slightly. Still not entering her, he stroked her breasts, teasing her nipples between his hands, Lea suddenly realising she was in a position where she couldn’t move.

He saw her realisation, smiling that primal smile of his as Lea was now at the mercy of the pace he now chose to set. ‘I am interested to hear, Inquisitor,’ he said as he continued to tease her nipples lightly, making her gasp as the shocks caused by his touch sparked through the very centre of her. ‘What thoughts you had exactly about being fucked on the War Room table?’

‘After all, I too have to take part in these rather long, tedious meetings. It would make the time go a little faster if I knew what I could look forward to once we were done.’ One hand stayed playing with her nipple whilst the other one had slid down to stroke her clit. Lea’s hips bucked against his hand, becoming desperate by now to have his cock in her.

‘I’d have these boots on,’ she managed to say, her breathing coming in short gasps now as he slid two fingers straight inside her but leaving her clit. She let out a small cry of frustration, wanting to feel his thumb there again.

‘I’m still waiting, Inquisitor,’ he whispered, just letting his fingers move slowly in and out of her tight, hot core.

‘This time, you’d be lying down and I’d suck your cock slowly, take you to the edge of your orgasm and then stop.’ Lea bit her lip, trying to focus, anything to get him to start playing with her clit once more, for him to fuck her.

‘Because, much though I love tasting your come in my mouth, Commander, I wouldn’t be able to resist the chance to ride you hard on the War Table wearing nothing but this, you naked beneath me. To know that when we meet time and time again afterwards, that I fucked you hard right there, heard my name on your lips as you came inside me. Meetings would never be dull after that.’

She cried out then, shaking, as Cullen slid into her, his fingers circling her clit as his other hand held her ass, thrusting slowly, both of them breathing hard. Lea couldn’t help but move her hips against him, using her legs to pull him even closer towards her, the feel of him inside her wet core at last creating the most powerful sensation within her.

‘The amount of times I have wanted to shove everyone out of the room and feel you, tight, hot and wet round my cock….I have lost count.’ Lea moaned incoherently at his words, loving to hear what he wanted to do to her as she thrust her hips faster against him, fascinated by the muscles rippling across his chest and stomach as he moved inside her. His hair was untidy from where she’d raked her hands earlier in the tavern, his eyes blazing with their bright golden fire as he looked at her, his brow furrowed in concentration, wanting to make sure he could please her.  

He was starting to fuck her faster now, knowing Lea would not be able to last long. She looked down, almost forgetting to breathe as she saw his cock moving in and out of her lips, covered with her wetness, feeling another pulse of heat fire through her. She looked back up, to see Cullen had been watching her as well, that he too found the sight of the two of them together in the closest way possible unbelievably erotic.  

‘Cullen,’ she said hoarsely, so close now to her climax, the exquisite pressure almost unbearable. ‘I….kiss me……please…’ He immediately captured her lips with his, kissing her fiercely, holding her closely with his one free arm, her whole body now pressed against his. He didn’t stop the pressure on her clit as he thrust faster, intent on giving her the release she was about to reach.  

Lea came hard seconds later as he was still kissing her, taking her arms and holding onto him, her whole body shattering as her scream vibrated throughout her. She didn’t stop, couldn’t stop and didn’t want him to stop fucking her. She still needed to taste him, her tongue meeting his, her hips still moving as she wanted to feel his orgasm inside of her as well.

Cullen had taken his hand from her clit, desperate to look at her as he lay her on her back on the desk. He placed her arms above her head, holding them down as he fucked her harder and faster, still kissing her as he came closer to his climax.

Lea’s legs were now entwined round his, lifting her hips to meet each thrust. She heard him call her name as he kissed her once more, coming harder than she’d ever felt him before, his whole body shaking as he lay, breathless, on top of her.

They didn’t move for a minute or two, Lea thoroughly enjoying the sensation of having his weight on top of her body. One of her hands was running through his hair, the other stroking his back as she absently peppered kisses on his face. Cullen was slowly catching his breath, kissing her neck when he found the strength to move slightly.

With a groan of protest, he pushed himself up, smiling at her as he helped her up, leading her to the bed. Both of them didn’t speak, words seeming like too much effort, his lyrium and her magic, winding closely, telling Lea everything she needed. He kneeled before her, helping Lea taking off her boots and stockings before lying her on the bed and getting comfortable next to her.

‘I will never look at the War Table in the same way, my lady,’ he said finally, his hand making patterns on her stomach. ‘And that is not a bad thing at all. Have I ever told you how much I love the way you think?’

‘Well,’ she said, blushing a bit, ’it’s rather big. Certainly large enough to fit you. Bigger than the one in the operations room and I had plenty of ideas for that. Sometimes those meetings……my mind just wanders.’

He kissed her, laughing. ‘I noticed. As does mine. And I know what direction your rather lovely brain is going in but I lack the detail. Now, at least, I know one of your thoughts.’

 ‘Those boots by the way,’ Cullen looked at her. ‘Did you have that whole outfit planned for so long?’

‘Of course,’ Lea said softly as she reached up to stroke his face. ‘How long have I wanted you, Cullen, how long have I been in love with you for? It was well worth the wait.’

‘I love you, Leaena. Maker be praised, I am so blessed with you.’ He kissed her softly, wrapping her in his arms as they lay there, content just to be with each other as sleep rapidly claimed them both.


	56. Hangovers

For a split second, everything felt fine. She hovered in that moment between sleep and waking, relaxed, content, enjoying how comfortable she felt.

That precious moment of peace was over in a flash, the familiar crushing shame taking over, threatening to overwhelm her. She was left gasping for air as she tried to block the parade of images flashing through her head at lightning speed, her stomach churning with the sickening dread of having to open her eyes and face the world for another day, knowing what she had done the night before.

People would be watching her, judging her, knowing she had completely spiralled out of control yet again exactly as she fought so hard to claim some sense of herself back.

_I didn’t do that._

_I did. Maker help me._

There was no respite. She could smell the sickly sweet stale smell of alcohol and smoke on her hair, her clothes, her breath. Her brain was splitting in two within her skull, the slight slivers of light hitting her eyes, fracturing into stabbing pains running through her head. Her sheets were sweaty as her body tried to get rid of the toxins within her, her hands shaking, her mouth parched, making her want to vomit at the taste.

_Vomit. That’s an idea._

Josephine dragged herself upright, just making it to an empty vase before being violently ill. Her whole body was shaking in protest, wanting to feel better, unable to find the means to do so. As her legs failed her, she slid to the floor, catching sight of the papers underneath her bed that had triggered her latest bout of escaping into several bottles of Antivan white every night for the last week.

She could do little but clutch hold of the vase as she sat crumpled on the floor, silent tears of defeat trickling down her face.

_And I am not going to think of him. Or her._

_Well why not? Seeing as everything else is destroyed._

It didn’t matter that their affair had ended before she and Cadan had fallen in love. It didn’t matter that Cadan didn’t know how long and bitter the history between her and Katja Petrovsky was. Or that the other woman had seen her enter then reaching to kiss him hard on the lips, watching Josephine with malicious pleasure as she was unable to hide the sharp twist of anguish she felt.

_That I still feel. That makes me lash out at him any way I can. Because I have no other way to handle this pain. And he’s the only one who will let me hurt him like this._

_It’s easier to drive him away now than watch him walk off again later on. I can’t survive that twice._

Suddenly, Josephine saw her door open as Leliana came in quietly, her face horrified as she saw her best friend on the floor in such distress.

‘Josie,’ she said softly, taking the vase away, looking for some water as she dipped a cloth to wipe her face clean. ‘I’m not going to ask you if you are alright. Lea wants to see you in ten minutes. I will put her off if you want to?’

‘No,’ she sighed after a minute. ‘I have behaved very badly and I owe several people an apology. Perhaps this is what I need to snap me out of it.’

Leliana helped her to get up and change into fresh clothing, braiding her hair quickly. After quickly freshening up to get rid of the worst of last night’s alcohol, Josephine felt marginally better, wearing a simple outfit of a dark blue tunic and black trousers.

‘I don’t smell like the bottom of a wine barrel do I?’ she asked anxiously, as she tucked the tops of her daggers away in her boots. Lea was quite fastidious about her leadership team looking well-presented when on Inquisition business. 

‘You are fine,’ Leliana assured her. ‘Do you have everything you need?’

She looked at the papers she’d tried to hide from with their damning news.

_Because that helped._

Reaching down, Josephine gathered them up to bring with her.

‘What’s that?’ Leliana asked curiously.

‘The reason for my terrible behaviour,’ she said, anger with herself beginning to rise as they headed towards the War Room. ‘Well, partly anyway.’

‘You mustn’t let that woman get to you. Surely you know, Josie, how much Cadan cares for you still?’ Leliana gestured to Josephine to go through her tower to avoid the usual gaggle of nobles in the main hall.  

‘It’s irrelevant, Leliana. He’ll leave again, just like he did before. I’m not going through that ever again.’ Josephine was unwavering.

They finally reached the War Room, Josephine’s heart sinking as she dreaded the upcoming telling off she was expecting. As they walked into the room, they saw Lea there already, buttering herself a slice of toast. She had just returned from the training fields, the runes on her black leather armour glowing softly. Her face was slightly flushed from the exercise, her hair pulled high into a plait wrapped around her head. Lea’s sapphire blue eyes watched Josephine closely.

‘Thanks for organising this Leliana. I’m starving.’ Lea turned, waving a hand at the food and coffee that was to the side of the room before sitting down to eat.

The smell of toast had her mouth watering, her need for coffee overwhelming. As soon as she had some, sipping on her drink, she slowly felt herself return to normal.

‘Oh,’ Lea said, passing her a potion. ‘Drink this first. Solas’ miracle cure. It was only having some of that which saved me for my first Knight Enchanter training session at the Maker-awful hour of seven in the morning.’

‘How was it?’ Leliana asked curiously.

‘Aside from my splitting head? Fascinating,’ she beamed excitedly at them both. ‘From what Solas has said as well, there may be some applications of spells I could use from Elven practices that may lap over….’ She broke off, laughing.

‘Sorry, getting carried away with the possibilities. It was very good. I appreciate everyone organising it. I understood from Cullen that I have you to thank, Josephine.’ Lea smiled at her expression as Solas’ potion started to take effect.

‘I just sent the introduction letter. The Commander arranged everything else…..Andraste be praised, that is quite miraculous,’ Josephine said in astonishment, feeling so much better than she had done a few minutes ago.

‘Isn’t it fabulous?  I need to get him some herbs now so he can replenish his stocks. It’s something like Crystal Grace, Royal Elfroot and a couple of others.’ Lea put her plate to one side as she took a sip of her coffee, still watching her.

‘I will admit to being furious when I first heard what you had been doing, which was my mistake.’ She smiled ruefully. ‘My default reaction will always be to protect my twin, I’m afraid. I apologise. But the more I watched you last night, the more I could see how upset you were. This behaviour is very out of character for you, Ambassador. I would like to help you put things to rights.’

_So far, an apology, coffee and breakfast was not what I was expecting from this meeting._

‘I am so sorry, Inquisitor, for any embarrassment I may have caused,’ Josephine said quietly, going a dull red as she remembered how she had behaved.

‘Don’t worry about it. What woman hasn’t, at some point in her life, woken up after a night out wishing for the ground to swallow her whole?’ Lea made a face of distaste as she remembered something similar from her past.

‘At least you had the good sense to try your wiles on two men who would not have taken advantage of you in the state you were in,’ she finished. ‘You know you were lucky in that regard?’

‘I know,’ Josephine whispered, resting her head on her hand as she closed her eyes, trying to forget.

‘Your safety is my concern, Ambassador. I know when sober you are more than capable of taking care of yourself. But in that state anything could have happened. Our Inquisition family can be rather dysfunctional at times, but we all care for you, Lady Montilyet, and we are worried about you,’ Lea finished softly. ‘We do not want anything to happen to you.’

‘Do you want to tell us what’s wrong?’ Leliana asked.

Shakily, Josephine pushed her papers forward to Leliana, who scanned them quickly, shock appearing on her face.

‘Oh Josie! How….’ She stopped herself, turning to explain the situation to Lea.

‘Josephine has been trying to restore the Montilyet fortunes as future head of the House. She was in the final stages of securing their trading status in Orlais but her messengers were murdered. Without this, her family faces financial ruin. Why didn’t you come to us, Josie?’ Leliana reached for her hand, wanting to comfort her.

‘It’s not an easy thing to admit to,’ Lea interjected. ‘I am glad you have told us now, Josephine, and sorry to hear of your misfortune. These murders are serious as there is a potential threat against your life. We must investigate further.’

‘I have a note from a Comte Boisvert in Val Royeaux who says he has further information. And he’s asked for you, Lea. I need to go see him…sort out this mess,’ Josephine said somewhat desperately.

‘We will,’ Lea assured her. ‘In fact, I think we should do it immediately. By the way, have you met my sister, Caya?’

‘No,’ Josephine replied. ‘I know her by reputation, of course.’

‘I will give you both a written introduction. My family has extensive trading interests with Antiva and she may be able to help you get re-established.’ Lea looked for a quill and parchment, making a note to herself.

Before Josephine could stammer her thanks, Lea looked at her again.

‘I want to ask something else. Why are you breaking my brother’s heart?’ Her gaze became a bit harder as she responded instinctively to the memory of her twin’s pain.

‘Don’t mistake me. I don’t like to interfere with other people’s relationships. I am grateful beyond belief that you have all left me and Cullen alone. I would like to be sure I extend that to everyone else.’ Lea’s eyes softened as she sensed Josephine’s distress.

‘I suspect that the root cause of the problem is between you and Cadan, and I am offering you a chance to talk to us about it now. I am closer to him than anyone else and I may be able to help.’ She looked back at the table.

‘Maker, I am starving. Come, eat some more if you want. We might need to ask for more at the next meeting. Lots of hangovers today.’ Lea went to help herself to some pastries, bringing over the coffee jug to fill up their mugs.

_There is no point. Why bother?_

_If that’s the case, then why not just tell her? I will lose nothing either way._

Josephine sipped again at her coffee, nibbling on a chocolate pastry. ‘Where do I begin? You know our history?’ Lea nodded.

‘That Nevarran delegation – did he tell you about the woman? Good. We were all bards together. Katja and Cadan had a brief relationship. I don’t know the details. But it was after he left the problems began, once she found out about us. It escalated to the point where, instead of going on a mission assigned her, she tricked another bard into going, specifically to kill me. Except I killed him by accident.’ She drew a deep breath, reaching for her coffee once more, trying to settle herself. 

‘He was a friend. And she lived when she should have died. I will not forgive her. That incident is why I turned my back on that life. Anyway, I went to the Herald’s Rest to find Cadan, only to see her brazenly kiss him as she watched me, taking delight in my….discomfort…’ Josephine broke off.

‘What is her full name?’ Lea asked.

‘Lady Katja Petrovsky,’ Leliana confirmed.

‘I will write to King Markus personally. She will send the rest of her days in Tevinter where she can enjoy spreading poison to her heart’s content. Can you add a note to my letter Leliana? He owes us after your hard work.’ Lea wrote her next task down.

‘But, Inquisitor, that’s a waste…’ Josephine tried to say.

‘She has interfered with my family and threatened my Ambassador. She will experience firsthand the repercussions of her actions.’ Lea did not allow any further comment on the subject, but looked at Josephine, waiting for her to speak further.

_He will leave._

_He won’t stay._

‘This…whatever we have, it won’t last.’ Josephine whispered. ‘He wants to make it work. But it’s impossible. Cadan is who he is. He needs his freedom. I can’t go through that again.’

Lea looked at Leliana a second before she stood, walking to look out the windows on the other side of the room, thinking how best to respond.

‘You’re trying to drive him away? To prevent yourself from being hurt more?’ She sighed. ‘Josephine, you are describing a man who no longer exists.’

She looked at Lea in confusion. ‘What do you mean?’

‘He is no longer that spy, that smuggler, looking for his purpose in life, restlessly roving across Thedas. He has made his peace with his family, found his calling in service to Ferelden, of all places. Alistair saved his life and he will spend the rest of his repaying that debt. Happily, I might add.’ Lea walked back to the table, looking at her intently.

‘Are you the same woman that you were back then?’ she asked.

‘No, of course not! I…’ Josephine suddenly stopped, seeing the point Lea was making.

‘Then don’t you owe yourself the chance to get to know the man he is now?’ she replied with a smile.

_Do I deserve it?_

_I have been living in the past. I need to let it go._

Josephine said nothing, lost in thought.

‘Shall we discuss our travel?’ Lea asked after a pause, letting the subject drop. ‘I thought we could set off for Val Royaeux today if you are willing, Josephine. I have an idea.’

‘I recognise that look, Lea,’ Leliana said with a laugh. ‘What are you thinking?’

Lea's gave her a bland look that fooled no one before continuing.

‘Josephine, would you like to set off straight for Nevarra after Val Royaeux? I wondered if some distance from Skyhold might be beneficial for you right now?’ Lea suggested.

‘But what about this parade in Denerim? Don’t you need me there?’ Josephine asked.

‘Alistair won’t mind. I think there will be enough of us anyway. Yes? That’s settled then. I thought that you could come, Leliana as we can then make our way to Valence Chantry afterwards.’

‘That sounds like a good idea. What else do you want to do?’ Leliana looked at her expectantly.

‘Seekers. Caer Oswin. Cassandra. Want to join us for a jolly?’ she said with a quick grin.

_Lea was right to have said what she did to Leliana. My friend has been restored to me._

_I’m glad Lea is making the effort to get to know her better as well._

‘That sounds like fun,’ Leliana said with a smile. ‘I don’t often get to go directly in the field these days. Who else were you thinking of bringing?’

‘Well, these are a bit exceptional for us and I thought the Inquisition companions could use some downtime. Everything is going to happen at once soon, with little chance for respite.’ Lea paused, a small smile on her face.

‘You don’t know my brother, Trystan very well do you?’ she asked, an innocent expression on her face.

Leliana started to laugh. ‘And I thought you didn’t want to interfere with people’s relationships, Inquisitor?’

Josephine was intrigued. ‘Did I miss something?’

‘Very much so,’ Leliana replied. ‘Just watch Cassandra in our next meeting. That’s all.’

‘I am absolutely not interfering,’ Lea protested. ‘But there’s no harm in creating a space for people to get to know each other is there?’

‘Very true. Well this shall be one trip I don’t think I’ll forget in a hurry.’ Leliana sighed. ‘I do like a good romance.’

‘Josephine, if you would prefer to rest, you don’t need to come to the next meeting,’ Lea offered.

‘I will be fine Lea. And thank you. Thank you both,’ she replied quietly.

_I will have to apologise. To everyone._

‘It’s no problem Josephine. Just next time, come talk to us. Maker knows I get in enough trouble for bottling things up and making everything much worse than it needs to be. Something Varric and Cassandra reminded me of recently,’ Lea said with a smile.

Leliana looked up for her notes. ‘You want to leave today, Lea? This afternoon?’

‘Yes, if possible, please.’ Lea requested. ‘We have Denerim coming up and I’d like to get these visits out of the way for you all. Cullen is going to have to deal with the petitioners outside for a week or so on his own.’

‘Does he know this yet?’ Josephine chuckled. Dealing with nobles was at the bottom of the Commander’s list of priorities.

‘No. I will have to tell him before we meet. He’ll be here in a couple of minutes anyway.’ Lea said a bit distractedly, a slight frown appearing on her forehead.

_Oh. Every time she leaves him it gets harder for her, no matter how hard she tries to hide it. But she would not change anything._

_I have been so blind._

Josephine sat still in her chair, her mind unable to focus, her heart beating faster.

_When I return from Nevarra. I need to think on this._

_Then we will talk. I will fix this._

‘Did we sort out my robes, Josephine?’ Lea asked, bringing her back to the present.

She nodded. ‘We did. You can take the opportunity to visit the tailor in Val Royaeux for a final fitting.’

At that point, the door opened as Cullen walked in. The transformation in Lea as she saw him was instant, her whole face lighting up as she gave him a brilliant smile.

‘Come join us, Cullen.’ Leliana said, gesturing to the War table where they’d been sitting around.

_Why would Lea have a hint of red creep into her cheeks at that?_

_I’m still too hungover. I must be seeing things._

_‘_ We were just making plans for a trip.’ Lea explained. ‘We need to do a loop from Val Royaeux to Valence Chantry, then down to Caer Oswin before returning home. Josephine will depart from Nevarra directly from Val Royaeux.’

‘That makes sense,’ Cullen replied as he looked at the map. ‘So a trip of a week or so? Caer Oswin itself is not far from Skyhold. Who will you take?’

‘Leliana, Cassandra and Trystan.’ Lea stopped, looking a bit put out as Cullen started to laugh.

‘Are you meddling, Inquisitor?’ he asked her lightly.

‘Why is everyone thinking the worst of me this morning! It’s just…’ she subsided for a moment, abandoning that line of defence before carrying on. ‘I’m taking them and that’s that. We’ll set off this afternoon.’

Josephine didn’t miss the look of sadness, then resignation that crossed Cullen’s face for an instant, before it was replaced by one of impassivity.

_Yet they still continue together, finding a way to make it work. They would rather endure the pain of being apart than never experiencing what they have._

‘As you wish, Inquisitor.’ He looked at them all in turn. ‘Does anyone have any special instructions I need to pay attention for whilst you are all away?’

‘Nobles,’ Lea said firmly. ‘No hiding.’

‘If I must,’ he replied with a grimace. ‘Just don’t give me another Ser Griffith. Please, Josephine. I’m well aware of what it takes to kill abominations and demons. I don’t need a blow by blow account of every cut, thrust and the amount of gore it took to get them dead.’ He looked pained at the memory.

‘This one is easy for you, Cullen. Lady Drummond is currently visiting and has useful connections and resources we could use. Challenge her to a game of chess and charm her for us. Here’s some notes for you to read through.’ Josephine passed him a report just as the door opened to let the rest of the Inquisition companions through.

‘Dorian,’ Lea called him as she got up and pulled him to one side. ‘Mother Giselle accosted me in the main hall….’

Their voices faded as they stood at the other side of the room. Interestingly, Josephine saw Vivienne had joined them, Lea eyeing her speculatively as she returned to meet the rest of the group.

‘Vivienne, so delighted you could find some time to join us,’ she drawled before addressing the rest of the room, starting the meeting.

Josephine felt Cadan’s eyes on her, as they always were whenever she was in the same room. Instead of her usual anger and frustration, she felt anticipation and excitement. 

_I can do this. I just need some time._


	57. Recital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another big thanks to everyone still taking the time to read this story, which is turning out to be of epic proportions! I love reading all the comments I get and I really appreciate everyone taking the time to write, give kudos and bookmark. Not to mention actually reading it :) please keep it coming, it gives me such awesome motivation. 
> 
> This chapter was (aside from one bit) good fun to write :)

Cassandra watched as Lea and Leliana stood talking quietly, away from the camp fire. Leliana had been almost silent since they left Valance Chantry, and Lea had not mentioned what had occurred inside.

She was sitting on her own, staring at the flames, her book sitting beside her unread. Lea had kindly lit a globe of light for her to read by but Cassandra was, for once, unable to lose herself in the fantasy of romance.

_Because I am steadfastly refusing to engage in the passion of the real world._

She shook her head slightly, scowling at the errant thought, pushing it away. Picking up her book, she tried to focus on the words.

Just then the source of all her disquiet, the person who had disrupted her focus and equilibrium, made her jump.

_Please don’t notice…._

‘Good evening, Cassandra,’ Trystan said pleasantly as he settled himself opposite her, noticing the book she’d tried to hide behind her as she picked up her letters instead. ‘Good book?’

‘I..,’ she stammered, her face heated. ‘I don’t know what you are talking about…’

His expression became amused as he looked pointedly at the book again, which she realised was only half-way buried under her cloak.

‘Are you blushing, Seeker?’ he said, laughter in his eyes.

_No knight is supposed to look that handsome when teasing a lady._

‘What would I have to blush about?’ she retorted hotly, failing to keep her most forbidding expression on her face as embarrassment took over.

‘You tell me,’ he replied, as a smile lurked in his deep blue eyes, almost black in the dim light of the fire.

‘It’s of no interest to you, I’m certain…..’ Cassandra looked away, unable to hide her agitation.

‘On the contrary,’ he said lightly. ‘I’d like to get to know you some more. We are working together after all.’

Cassandra gave up. ‘It’s one of Varric’s tales. Swords and Shields. The latest chapter.’ Reluctantly she pulled the book out to show him.

‘So you like to read. What’s wrong with that?’ Trystan looked genuinely confused as he passed the book back to her.

‘It’s frivolous. There are more important things for me to do.’ She stared at her hands, white as they clutched the offending book tightly.

‘Are those of us who serve the Chantry supposed to be so focussed on duty and faith we can’t enjoy the distraction of a good book?’ His eyes were still smiling at her although his face remained impassive. ‘I must have missed that one.’

‘It’s literature,’ Cassandra ground out. ‘Sm…romantic literature.’

_I will not use that word in front of him!_

‘And whatever you do,’ she finished in desperation. ‘Don’t tell Varric!’

‘I’ve got most of Varric’s books. Although I haven’t come across this one. Maybe I should read it. I need something new,’ he said with interest.

‘You? No!’ she exclaimed in horror.

‘Why not me? Or did romance suddenly get restricted to a certain proportion of the population?’ Trystan’s eyes were dancing with hidden laughter.

_Could he understand? The grand romance, the all-encompassing desire? The dizzyingly heady heights of passion when two people are truly in love?_

‘Yes..no….’ Cassandra couldn’t get the words out. ‘This one ends on a cliffhanger. I’m....Varric must be finishing it. I don’t know…’

She broke off as she saw Lea and Leliana walking back to them. ‘Pretend you don’t know this about me,’ she hissed, her face flaming still as he smiled broadly at her last comment.

‘I’m off to read my letters so will bid you all good night.’ Lea gave her brother a hug before reaching down for her glass of whiskey and some toffee, giving them all a wave as she walked off to find a secluded spot.  

 ‘I’m surprised at Cullen’s ability to produce so many letters. In the twelve years I’ve known him he barely managed to write two lines in greeting when he had to send me reports.’ Trystan shook his head, chuckling.

‘Didn’t he not actually tell his sister he had been posted to Kirkwall? And yet Lea has had a letter virtually every day.’ Leliana smiled. ‘Your sister has been good for Cullen.’

‘And he for her. She is finally having the chance to be the person she should have been because of the Inquisition,’ Trystan replied, his affection for his sibling clear in his voice. ‘But anyway, how are you Leliana?’

Leliana was silent for a moment as she stood staring at the flames, the experience in Valence Chantry having clearly moved her. Lea had not spoken of what happened as they left, simply saying it was for Leliana to share what she felt comfortable with.

She didn’t reply straight away, her mind clearly focussed elsewhere. ‘Sister Nathalie was there. She was spying for Grand Cleric Victoire, you know Cassandra – that whiny one in the Dales. She has this deluded notion that she can stop the Inquisition in her belief that we have turned the Chantry from its true path. She kindly pointed out to me that we have more enemies than we realise – as if it wasn’t my job to know that anyway.’

Her voice became distant as if she was speaking to herself. ‘I would have killed her. Another enemy taken down for the Inquisition. Lea told me no. She was right. Let Victoire sweat out her fear in the Dales as she waits for us.’

‘Justinia left me a message. She has released me, Cassandra. I have to let it – let her go. There is so much for me to think about.’ Leliana exhaled slowly. ‘I shall leave you both. It has been an….emotional day for me.’

She turned and headed to her tent.

‘The Divine has a long reach, but it is always the Left that stretches out,’ Cassandra said softly, watching her friend as she left. ‘Leliana has many deaths, many sacrifices on her conscience for Justinia. It will be good to put it behind her.’

‘It must have been equally as challenging for the Right Hand of the Divine.’ Trystan poured her a drink. ‘How do you feel about things, looking back?’

‘Tired.’ She smiled.’ I travelled a great deal. Home was wherever I was, after so many years on the road on behalf of Justinia and Beatrix, bringing the Chantry’s justice where it was needed.’

‘I didn’t realise you served Beatrix as well,’ Trystan said, surprised.

‘Yes. I actually wanted to return to the Seekers after her death but Justinia persuaded me to stay.’ She stopped as a sudden realisation hit her. ‘Now, looking back, I am glad. I may have ended up following Lucius and being caught up in whatever madness he has unleashed now.’

‘Are you concerned about what you are going to find in Caer Oswin?’ he asked. ‘I have to admit, hearing what Lucius did, rounding up all the Templars and leading them off to Therinfal Redoubt was a huge shock. I always thought he was a reasonable man.’

‘He was. And that is why yes, I am very concerned about what may we find there. I have no idea what to expect.’ She sighed. ‘But that is for when we get there.’

Cassandra stopped to listen, hearing the waves breaking on the shore in the distance. ‘I can’t believe I have to face the Waking Sea again.’

He laughed. ‘It’s an easy crossing at this time of year. Especially from here. The journey won’t be that bad. Are you not a fan of sea travel?’

‘It’s easy for you to dismiss it. Marchers are all born with sea legs,’ Cassandra grumbled. ‘The rest of us take a little bit to adjust to it.’

‘Lea has a good spell. If you are able to absorb magic then get her to cast it on you. And you have something to read at least,’ Trystan grinned at her, unrepentant.

‘You are all together far too lighthearted to be a Templar,’ Cassandra said repressively.

He finally started to laugh, not able to restrain his amusement any longer. ‘Let me just get this straight. I’m not supposed to read anything beyond religious texts, I am incapable of romance for some obscure reason, and now I’m not allowed to enjoy the more humorous side of life because I’m a Templar?’

_You are not supposed to have this effect on me._

‘No…it’s not…’ Cassandra stopped, furious as she knew shew was being unreasonable. ‘I am projecting my own limitations onto you. I apologise.’

Trystan studied her for a moment, more serious than she’d ever seen him. ‘It is that eternal conflict we all face, Cassandra, in our service to the Chantry. I have it too. My duty to what I have vowed to uphold over my own personal wishes. Could I, for example, slay my own sister if she turned into an abomination? Even though she has asked me to? I honestly don’t know.’

He then looked at the book she had put next to her. ‘But, there is nothing wrong with taking enjoyment from the simple things in life either. Like reading literature on the more….salacious side.’

She gasped in horror. ‘You know the book?’

‘Not at all,’ he grinned. ‘It’s not hard to guess though. I still don’t understand why you are embarrassed by it.’

‘I should read more worthy things….’ She was still blushing furiously.

‘Of course, if you want to send yourself to sleep.’ Trystan was looking at her intently. Something in his gaze just increased the heat in her face.

‘What do you read then, Knight-Commander? Aside from Varric’s drivel?’ she asked somewhat sarcastically, wanting to distract attention away from herself.

Trystan said nothing for a moment, looking up at the stars bright in the night sky. Cassandra could almost feel him thinking through what response he should give her.

His next words, said in that deep, velvet voice of his, were completely the opposite of what she had been expecting.

‘O Mistress mine, where are you roaming?  
O, stay and hear; your true love's coming,  
That can sing both high and low:’

He paused for a second, looking straight at her, the warmth in his eyes making her catch her breath as she found herself unable to look away.  
  
‘Trip no further, pretty sweeting;  
Journeys end in lovers meeting,  
Every wise man's son doth know.’

His voice tailed off softly as he paused, watching the emotions playing across her face.

‘What is love? 'Tis not hereafter;  
Present mirth hath present laughter;  
What's to come is still unsure:’

Cassandra sat, rooted to the spot as she stared at him in disbelief and fascination.

‘In delay there lies not plenty;  
Then, come kiss me, sweet and twenty,  
Youth's a stuff will not endure.’

The only sound that could be heard was the crackling of the fire, the gentle sound of the waves breaking against the sand. She couldn’t speak, was barely breathing, so intense was the moment they had just shared.

After a long minute, Trystan rose. ‘It has been a long day, Seeker. I shall let you get some rest.’ A slight break in his voice was the only sign of how affected he was as well. He gave her a slight bow before heading to his tent.

Her eyes followed him, still staring at the path Trystan had walked long after he had gone.

He knew one of her favourite sonnets. Off by heart. He was the tall, dark and handsome knight that her innermost foolish romantic soul had always craved for. And so very charming as well.

His voice had sent shivers down her spine with such a beautiful recital. Cassandra wanted to know more. Hear more.

_Perhaps I can still dream after all._

\-----

‘Bann Loren is a pious, unassuming man,’ Cassandra said, mystified. ‘What has he become involved in?’

‘He might simply be a victim as well,’ Lea replied.

‘Let’s see what lies within. Then we can decide one way or another,’ Leliana whispered as they opened the door.

‘Promisers,’ Cassandra hissed. ‘I should have known!’

‘Isn’t that a crazy cult that has dogged the Seekers for some time?’ Trystan asked.

Leliana nodded. ‘But why are they here?’

They had killed all the soldiers they could find and were in the courtyard looking for more information. Leliana found a note on a dead body, passing it to Lea after she’d scanned it.

‘Seekers are resistant to red lyrium?’ she said in surprise, before turning back to the others. 'Let’s press on. I suspect that the answers we need are not far away.’

They rapidly made their way through the main castle, seeing signs of more tortured and dead Seekers on their way. Cassandra could feel herself getting more upset. That reached its peak when she saw who was lying on the floor as they reached the top of another stairway.

‘Daniel!’ Cassandra ran over to the other Seeker, horrified. ‘He was my apprentice,’ she explained as she encouraged him to tell his story.

 ‘What did they feed you?’ Lea asked softly as he finished, not wanting to know the answer, looking ill.

‘Red lyrium,’ he whispered. ‘That’s how I have this demon inside me. It would be impossible otherwise.’

‘And the Lord Seeker betrayed you. Betrayed the whole Order,’ Trystan said with a hard edge to his voice Cassandra had not heard before.

‘Don’t leave me like this, please, Cassandra.’ Daniel begged, close to death, racked by pain.

Cassandra looked to Lea who nodded.

‘Go to the Maker’s side, Daniel,’ she whispered softly as she drew her sword, the others turning away.

They reached the Lord Seeker shortly afterwards, Cassandra almost incoherent with fury and bitter sadness. She almost couldn’t hear the conversation Lea was having with him, the Inquisitor’s scathing disdain the only thing registering in Cassandra’s mind.

‘The Seekers had to be stopped, Cassandra,’ she heard Lucius say, wanting her to understand  - to join!- something she would never be able to comprehend.

He handed her the book of secrets passed down to each Lord Seeker, talking about a new Order to replace the old. It was all kinds of nonsense she had run out of patience to listen to as she drew her sword to kill him.

_It is actually a pleasure to fight alongside him._

_Like how Cullen and Lea work together seamlessly. This is similar._

Cassandra idly noted how easy she was finding it to be in combat with Trystan. Their training was, of course similar, but there was a symmetry, a flow to their defensive movements and attacks that she had not previously experienced as they rapidly put an end to the Lord Seeker and his few remaining men.

‘He was insane, he had to be,’ she whispered, feeling desperate, something inside her lost forever as she stood over the man who she had once respected.

‘Was this the last of your Order?’ Trystan asked her quietly, sensing her bewilderment. Bizarrely, she felt a bit better just by standing there next to her.

 ‘He could not have destroyed all of us! I won’t accept it,’ she replied fiercely.

‘Let’s discuss it at Skyhold,’ Lea came over then, looking unwell. ‘I’m curious to know what is in that Book, Cassandra. But I want to get out of here, it’s giving me the creeps all over again. I feel red lyrium nearby. We shall camp overnight at the posting station near Lake Calenhad. It’s too late to try and reach Skyhold today.’

\-----

Cassandra sat for a long while after Lea left her, the book in her hands. Although she had not had time to go through it properly, it had already revealed the worse of its terrible secrets.

Night had fallen over Lake Calenhad, showing how long she had been there, thinking. The moon bathed the lake in its silver light, the stars blanketing the sky with their delicate points of light.

She stared sightlessly out across the lake, unable to think clearly, needing distraction to stop her mind from being overwhelmed, shutting down.

_That wasn’t what I had in mind, but it works._

_Perhaps even better than punching a wall._

She heard Trystan walking up to where she was sitting.

‘Cassandra, forgive me for interrupting you,’ he said hesitantly. ‘I have bought you some supper. If you want it, that is.’

She looked up at him, a smile she wasn’t expecting to have appearing on her face at his thoughtfulness. ‘Thank you, Trystan. Please, join me if you will.’

He sat, putting the drinks down before passing her a plate with a selection of meats and cheeses with bread. ‘It is nothing fancy but you may not want a five course dinner after the day you’ve had.’

‘It is perfect, thank you.’ She looked at the lake again as she ate.

She’d not left her room during the crossing as she had been so ill. Lea then had them straight off the boat and directly to Caer Oswin in a day. It had not left them much chance to speak since that night he’d revealed a much deeper side of himself to her than she’d thought possible.

The intimacy of where they were now was not lost on Cassandra, with only the moon to provide the light, the dark of the night enveloping them both.

‘I am sorry for what happened at Caer Oswin. How are you?’ he asked, concern underlying his casual tone.

She sighed deeply, resigned to the truth. ‘The Lord Seeker was not wrong,’ she whispered. ‘I am an abomination. We are. The whole thing…it’s so corrupted.’

‘Seeker, I’ve killed plenty of abominations in my time, so I can assure you that you aren’t one of them,’ he replied firmly. ‘What have you found out to disturb you so?’

‘The Seekers created the Rite of Tranquillity. And it is reversible,’ Cassandra replied, still in shock at the discovery.

‘Maker’s Breath! How….’ he stopped, waiting for her to continue.

‘What finally began the mage rebellion was the discovery that the Rite could be reversible. The Lord Seeker at the time suppressed this, with a heavy hand. There were deaths. The shock of its discovery, in addition to what happened in Kirkwall….it was too much. But we’ve known from the start.’ Cassandra looked at the book again, tracing the pattern with her finger absently.

‘Known how? If you don’t mind me asking that is.’ He looked a bit abashed at his questioning.

Cassandra smiled. ‘It is alright. Lea has asked that we keep this secret until we know how we want to use this information, but she is going to share it with her advisors. Which I believe includes you.’

She took a deep breath before continuing. ‘In order for a Seeker to gain their powers we are made Tranquil after our vigil. Then a spirit of Faith is summoned to give us our abilities back and break the tranquillity.’

Trystan was quiet for a moment, letting her words sink in. ‘The implications, and repercussions of this, are enormous,’ he eventually said.

She nodded ‘I know. It is good we keep this to ourselves for now until we know what we want to do with it. The Inquisitor, unsurprisingly, is hopeful to reverse the abuses many mages suffered. But we need to look into it further first. I am not certain yet about its widespread use.’

‘Lea won’t do anything unless it is thought out properly,’ he assured her. ‘But the Rite is understandably something she feels very strongly about, given what she went through. And I completely agree with her stance that something must be done.’

Cassandra was taken aback by the vehemence in his tone. ‘I…you are a Templar. A Knight-Commander. You must have overseen many mages made Tranquil. Stood guard during Harrowings. I know Lea’s background, but I thought…’ she tailed off, confused.

Trystan shook his head. ‘My opinions are not of the usual Templar. You know Ostwick rarely used the brand. I am proud to have served in a Circle where we did our very best to protect mages. To see it nearly happen to my own sister? That changes your opinions on what the Chantry teaches you.’

‘Cullen told us the basics but did not, understandably, go into detail. It must have been frightening.’ Unsure of what to say next, she took a sip of her drink.

‘She was bound on the table.’ Trystan said suddenly, his voice toneless. ‘They had to tie her down, she was fighting the Templars so much. She’d already knocked two out before the rest overwhelmed her. The ropes cut into her skin, they were so tight, made worse by the amount she was struggling. Lea still has scars in places, they were so brutal with her. And they were deliberately violent. Her face and body were covered in bruises where they’d beaten her – her lip split. They would have done that whether she fought them or not.’

Cassandra said nothing, letting him talk, appalled at what she was hearing.

‘I could hear her screams a way away as I was scrambling to get our Templars together to save her. They cut straight through my heart. The whole Tower could hear as she was taken to the chamber. They shut her up by stuffing her mouth with cloth and binding that tight too. Lea could barely breathe. They left her eyes uncovered, forced them open so she could see everything. Normally mages are blindfolded as you know, to spare them the sight of the brand.’ He took a drink, taking a break to compose himself, Cassandra able to hear the rage he still felt, even after all these years.

Taking a breath, he continued. ‘Even at that age, Lea was powerful. They held her under a Silence, left her unable to fight them in any way, and had physically exhausted her. She was still battling them though, when I managed to get into the Harrowing chamber. The lyrium brand was there, the ritual nearly complete, the knights around her bowed, swords drawn, suppressing all magic in the room, making sure there was nothing she could draw on, in case any demons came through the Fade in the split second it would be wide open. The Knight-Commander was about to lift it towards her forehead. I threw my dagger in an attempt to distract him, prevent him from completing the ritual, nearly cutting his hand off with my desperate aim. One of my regrets is I didn’t manage that, but it did stop him from finishing, thank the Maker.’

His voice had become uneven with the emotion of the memories.  ‘We got her out of there and then she was in a cell for two days. Until our father and Ostwick's Knight-Commander arrived to take her home. I did not leave her side once. And our House would have gone to war with Montsimmard Circle and wiped them out if my parents could have found a way. ’

‘This was not a Rite for a mage that knew a Harrowing was inevitable, it was a Rite designed to inflict maximum fear and humiliation on the mage in question. Is it any wonder Lea avoided the Vivienne situation for so long? The woman took her to her breaking point all because of her own inadequacies. Lea was literally broken for months. Her body healed but it took her mind far longer to catch up. To the point where she is only just now really able to begin to cope for the first time. I will not interfere with how Lea wants to handle her, but Madame de Fer knows to stay well away from me and Cadan. Her life hangs by a thread and she knows it.’ Trystan’s voice was dark, again with that hardness to it that Cassandra had heard in Caer Oswin.

‘I am sorry,’ she whispered.  

‘I know.’ He gave her a quick smile. ‘You have a reputation for investigating and punishing abuses of the Rite, Cassandra. You understand. It is just…. It is not something we ever speak of. And perhaps we should. Aside from my family, I have not spoken of that day. It feels better, to have shared it. Thank you for listening.’

‘You are welcome.’ A thought occurred to her just then. ‘I do not think Cullen is aware of the extent of what Lea suffered during that time.’

‘I thought not. I suspect Lea has not told him just how bad it was simply because she wants to ensure he does not kill Vivienne with his bare hands. Which is what he would do. Those two do still have secrets from each other though,’ he shook his head wryly. ‘It is up to them to figure it out. I suspect that it will cause problems in the long run for Cullen if he is not more upfront. But Kinloch Hold is not my tale to tell, not even for Lea.’

‘The hour is late,’ she said, suddenly realising the time. ‘Will you walk back with me?’

‘Of course,’ he said. They both made their way back, walking slowly.

‘I am surprised, given your views, that you and Cullen have been friends for so long.’ Cassandra was rather intrigued by the friendship of these two very different Templars. ‘If you do not mind me asking, how did you become close?’

Trystan laughed properly then, his mood moving back to his usual relaxed self. ‘Honestly? If he was the same man he was when he first arrived in Kirkwall I would have probably murdered him for daring to try to lay hands on my sister. The first few times we met I couldn’t stand him. I thought he was a total zealot – the very worst kind of Templar. Blinded by faith and self-righteousness, closed to reason. I was actually a bit frightened by his determination to see blood magic lurking in every corner, and to punitively punish mages as a result of his paranoia.’

‘I was worried he would turn into worse than Meredith,’ he said pensively. ‘But he didn’t. Even after what he went through at Kinloch Hold – his basic premise was still to protect people, to keep them from harm. For a few years he struggled with two opposing views. But then he started to change, to want to do better, to be something different. And that is when we became friends. He stopped that crazy woman from doing so much worse to the mages. And then you saw his potential, saw through the rumour and lies. The Inquisition is doing Cullen the world of good. And he has you to thank for it all.’

‘Well…I.. thank you. But he does all the hard work. I just asked him to join,’ she stammered slightly.

‘You do more than you realise, Seeker,’ he said, softly, his eyes that nearly black colour again. ‘I don’t think I have ever spoken so openly with anyone my entire life. I find you very easy to talk to.’

_And in Life's noisiest hour,  
There whispers still the ceaseless Love of Thee,_

‘Really? That is a first,’ she blurted. ‘I am not known for my communication skills.’

‘I have no complaints. Other people do not listen properly. That is their problem, not yours,’ he smiled at her again.

_The heart's Self-solace and soliloquy.  
You mould my Hopes, you fashion me within;_

‘How did you…why a Templar? You…you have the soul of a poet, Trystan,’ she felt her skin go red at her boldness.

_He looks like a poet too, with his dark hair falling slightly untidily over such expressive deep blue eyes, his pale skin slightly tanned after our travels. And he is tall. But not lanky. He has the body of a warrior, used to being the very best._

_It is the perfect combination to appease this foolish romantic heart of mine._

‘It was a calling. I wanted to serve Andraste, do the Maker’s work the best way I knew how. Fortunately as it turns out, when Lea was sent to the Circle. Why did you become a Seeker?’ he asked.

‘My brother died at the hands of apostates in front of me – Anthony was a dragon hunter. They wanted dragon blood and he refused. When he died I begged for the Chantry to become a Templar but was given to the Seekers instead,’ she replied, the old hurt still hard to let go of.

_I just spoke of Anthony? To someone I hardly know?_

‘I am sorry for your loss,’ he said quietly. ‘I think the Chantry made the right decision, however. You need look no further then some of the very Templars we have been discussing to see how vengeance can change a person. And you are a fine Seeker.’

‘Your point is valid. I was young. I am wiser now.’ Cassandra agreed. ‘I like to believe the Maker has a plan. But…he is not always kind. I often wonder what would have happened if Anthony had not died. Where I would be.’

‘I am glad you are where you are, for what it is worth, Cassandra.’ He hesitated a second. ‘The Maker’s design is rarely clear. But in this instance, I find that I have no concerns.’

_And to the leading Love-throb in the Heart  
Thro' all my Being, thro' my pulse's beat….._

Before she could compose herself to find the words for a reply, he carried on their earlier conversation, his eyes unreadable once more.

‘You say I have the soul of a poet yet I am a Templar. But you also have a love for literature, as do I. Does that not also mean you have the soul of a poet too?’

She smiled. ‘You have me there. I….yes.’

‘Ah and, I think, a romantic, poetic soul? One that only certain types of words will reach,’ he grinned as he saw he was right.

_You lie in all my many Thoughts, like Light…._

‘It is frivolous of me when there is so much else going on in the world. I should be focused on my duties. Yet the stories are so beautiful, the rhymes so evocative…’ she trailed off as she looked away, feeling embarrassed.

‘In a world full of madness, the need for romance is even more important, Cassandra,’ Trystan said gently. ‘It brings promise to the world. Poetry, writing – it’s just another form we can use to express our passion.’

_Like the fair light of Dawn, or summer Eve  
On rippling Stream, or cloud-reflecting Lake._

Cassandra said nothing for a moment, struggling even more to find words than normal. ‘I…had not thought of it that way before. But I see what you mean.’

They had reached the campsite now, each needing to go a different way. Trystan looked at her, his eyes that almost black colour, having changed again. Cassandra wanted to memorise this instant - this handsome knight who had read her poetry and seen into her soul – a vision that would keep her heart warm in the long months to come.

‘Never be embarrassed, Cassandra,’ he said, his voice a touch of warmth against her slowly melting heart. ‘Without the hope that love brings, we are nothing.’

_And looking to the Heaven, that bends above you,  
How oft! I bless the Lot that made me love you._

Cassandra was only able to look helplessly at him as he walked away, lines of her favourite verses floating through her mind whilst her heart, for the first time, had unfrozen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first poem is William Shakespeare, 1564 - 1616, 'O Mistress of Mine.' The second is by Samuel Taylor Coleridge, 1772 - 1834, 'Love'.


	58. Dreams and Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: paranoia attack, trauma

‘Hello, Cullen, did you miss me?’

Leaena was walking round his bed which had somehow moved into the middle of the floor. She was wearing nothing, just a riding crop in her hand that she was using to stroke his legs and feet, running it back up to tease his balls and his hard cock. Cullen realised he was naked, tied down to the bed, sitting upright with nowhere to move, nowhere to go.

She had been away for a week, and Maker, he had missed her. Nightmare after nightmare had plagued him, racking his body, torturing his mind. And she was here, at last, surprising him.

_By moving the bed? And a riding crop?_

Suddenly he forgot any thought he had as she straddled him, letting him almost taste her wetness but holding back, still running the end of the riding crop slowly over his arms and across his face.

‘Of course I missed you. When did you get back? And why….?’

‘Ssssh. Too many questions,’ she smiled at him before kissing him deeply, almost roughly, forcing her teeth against his mouth.

_Really? Since when…._

_Why doesn’t she taste like berries?_

He bit hard on the tongue that was in his mouth, enough to taste a tang that was nothing like blood, making him feel sick. An inhuman scream reverberated on his lips, even as the pressure on his face rapidly withdrew.

Intense pain suddenly bloomed across his face as the crack of the crop hit him full on across one cheek.

‘You aren’t playing nice, Cullen,’ Leaena-demon whispered. ‘You know what happens to bad boys when they don’t do as they are told?’

‘Fuck off.’ He would not engage with the demon.

‘I warned you last time, Cullen. Silly boy. I am your heart’s desire. Why would you deny me? You will pay the price. Now.’ Leaena-demon hissed as he felt the crop hit his cheek again in exactly the same spot, leaving him in agony.

_Waking up now would be perfect._

‘Hello Cullen.’ The room spun, except he was naked, tied to a chair. Blackwall was opposite him, fully clothed, thank the Maker …….

Leaena walked in, also naked, going straight to Blakwall and kissing him leisurely, running her hands down his body, through his hair.

‘Leaena, what are you doing?’ Cullen shouted. He couldn’t close his eyes, couldn’t stop looking as she turned, leaning against Blackwall, the other man’s hands on her body, touching her breasts, sliding one hand down to play across her stomach.

‘What’s the matter Cullen? I told you I needed more than just one man, that you’d have to share me if you wanted to keep me. I need to be satisfied you know. And you just weren’t up to the job.’ Leaena blew him a kiss before turning around again to kiss Blackwall further, noisy, sloppy sounds assaulting his ears.

Cullen was going to vomit. Starting to gag, the sounds of their kisses made him frantic trying to escape his bonds, almost not noticing the pain of rope against his wrists.

Just as he thought he couldn’t bear the noise any further it stopped, Leaena turning round again, letting Blackwall play with the body he thought was only for him. As the other man went to touch her clit, the sight was too much for him as he started to vomit, listening to Leaena’s moans whilst another man was pleasuring her.

‘Your whore smells good, Cullen,’ Blackwall said, lifting his fingers to his nose where they’d just been on Leaena’s clit, all the while whilst Cullen was still in shock at sheer horror of what he was seeing. ‘Imagine when I fuck this little bitch, the screams she’s going to make then. Don’t you want to hear that, Cullen, don’t you want to watch?’

‘No, Leanea, don’t, Maker, no….’ he fought with all his strength against his bonds as Leaena turned to unlace Blackwall’s breeches, running a fingernail along his erection. Suddenly he felt something in his mind snap as Leaena and Blackwall disappeared into the black of his mind.

‘Dearest Cullen………….I promised I would make your life a living nightmare……this is only the beginning……’

He sat bolt upright, still retching, the acid taste of the demon still in his mouth. He staggered out of the bed where he had vomited in his sleep, clawing his filthy shirt off his head, the parting words of the demon echoing through his mind. His whole body hurt, ached from lyrium withdrawal, his mind screaming in its pain at what he had just seen.

Cullen curled up naked in the corner on the floor, his arms clutched round his body. He was shaking violently, breathing uncontrollably, his headache crippling him as tears coursed down his face. He could do nothing but wait for the attack to pass, the memories to fade. The screaming in his ears made him hit his head several times against the floor, trying to make it stop, low shuddering moans accompanying his pain.

_That is the first time she has been in one on her own. With someone else. With him._

_Why won’t they leave me alone!_

Each time he closed his eyes, all he could see was Leanea kissing another man, that man’s hands violating her perfect skin, pawing at her breasts, her….

He vomited again, feeling like he’d been hit in the stomach, not sure he wasn’t still asleep. Just to be sure, he lifted his head, checking to make sure his bed was back against the wall and he wasn’t still in the thrall of far and away the worst dream he’d ever had.

The need to crawl to his desk, reach for one of those blue vials and feel the cool, sweet blue liquid slip down his throat was close to overwhelming him. The lyrium in his body was demanding loudly, shouting that more be added to his blood. There wasn’t enough, was never enough, to satisfy that craving, that thing necessary for him to function properly.

_I need this. I can’t give any less of myself. Kinloch Hold, Kirkwall, Haven…._

_I can’t do this. I can’t be this person. I must step down. I could have done more. I should be more. I should focus on the Inquisition. I can’t be the man she needs. I must give her up. For someone better._

Self-doubt over his capability as Commander, as Leaena’s partner, at everything he had always tried to be, tried to achieve, tore through him, paralysing his mind, the words repeating over and over in his head, getting louder and louder.

_She would never do that to me. Never._

_Leaena would never give up on me._

As Cullen always did after a particularly poisonous nightmare, when the lyrium craving almost took over his entire being, he let thoughts of Leaena filter slowly through his mind. Real thoughts. Of their time together. Of the letters they had written. Of the love they shared.

_The way she laughed that evening in the tavern. The first time I held her in my arms by the waterfall. When she left to face Corypheus, all alone. When she told me she loved me as I carried her in the snow. How she faced down Vivienne in Val Royaeux. When she was announced as Inquisitor. When she came to me in Kirkwall._

_Whenever I have ever been near water with her, the pleasure she takes from it. From me. Her smile, her eyes with that blue fire, her kisses, the feel of her skin against mine, how her face lights up whenever she sees me, even now……every time, just like the first_ ……

Slowly, steadily, the shaking subsided, the nausea faded, his tears finally over. His body still ached, his veins were still on fire, and his head sore, but he could manage it, would be able to stand and be coherent once more. Cullen uncurled himself from his foetal position, grimacing in distaste at how filthy his room now was as he finally managed to get up.

Quickly tidying himself up, he stripped the sheets and cleaned the room, having one of Solas’ potions to help steady the tremors. He realised he was desperate for a bath. Leaena had said he could always use the private facilities she had in her suite of rooms, but it felt like an invasion of her privacy to use those when she wasn’t there. It would have to be the bathhouses in the barracks. It was still not yet light so hopefully no one would be about - the last thing he wanted to do was speak.

_And after that, something to take my mind off that fucking bastard._

Mercifully, the washrooms were empty as he took his time, firstly scrubbing his mouth until there was blood, he was so desperate to get the taste of the demon out. He then let the almost scalding hot water pour over him time and time again, the intense burning sensation making him feel clean. The steam was almost cathartic as Cullen imagined the nightmare, the negativity of his thoughts and emotions sweating out of him, evaporating into the mist, dissolved by the heat.

He sat back, eyes closed, trying to understand his irrational hatred for the man. Yes, he was lying but if Leaena said she would tolerate it then he needed to trust her. He was used to seeing men covet her, want her and he didn’t care normally. This was the only instance that bothered him so much he was now having the worst nightmares of his life as a result.

_There is nothing rational about anything when it comes to her._

_Live with it or end it. Those are your choices._

Cullen shook his head, feeling sick again suddenly at the mere suggestion of no Leaena in his life, badly needing to get out and have some fresh air. The walls felt as if they were closing in as he raced to get changed.

He avoided the barracks kitchens, his stomach still not up to breakfast, deciding instead to head to the training grounds. Hitting things would help. It was dawn so there was enough light.

Focussing on the training dummy, he began a series of warm-up exercises, slowly settling into the steadying rhythm, feeling his mind start to relax. He thought back to the events of the last week, missing her still.

Leaena had returned from her trip with Trystan, Leliana and Cassandra and the whole fortress had almost immediately decamped to Denerim for a few days for this grand parade. It had been surprisingly entertaining, Leaena always happy to spend time with Alistair. And the parade of their troops had been a success. The Inquisition now courted the interest of the most senior nobles in Thedas as a result, people impressed and in awe of their military might.

A slight feeling of irritation meant he almost mis-timed one of his end warm-up strokes. He had been the centre of attention at the parade and he had hated it. Leaena and Leliana assured him that he had looked splendid, said all the right things, but standing around in dress uniform being sycophantic had never been Cullen’s strong point.

_Maker, I hate parties._

He stopped to lean on the fence to rest for a moment, reaching for the letter he’d bought down with him, creased from being read and re-read so often.

_Cullen,_

_It is early morning here at Caer Bronach. I wasn’t able to sleep so, even though I will see you tomorrow, I thought I would write to you anyway. I’m sorry I have only had the chance to send you short notes thus far. It is a beautiful dawn and I am right at the very highest tower of the keep, looking out at the rolling countryside glowing golden in the sun._

_Firstly, a small piece of gossip I can’t help but indulge in because it is just so heart-warming. Last night Cassandra let something interesting slip. Apparently when we were out with him a couple of weeks ago Trystan discovered her love of poetry. I am putting two and two together and making ten, so you will tell me off, but I do believe my brother is courting her slowly in a rather old-fashioned, romantic manner which will be quite wonderful for her. Not even Sera could get near her letters to see what had been sent – quite rightly too, I should add!_

_I keep thinking about it and hearing about it wherever we travel - Denerim was such a marvellous success. Thank you so much for all your hard work in organising it with Cadan. I know how you despise these sorts of things but truly, your presence helped seal the deal on so many new military alliances for us._

_I was merely some sort of frothy icing on the side, serving no real purpose with all these generals whose only interest was to meet the Inquisition’s Commander and the King of Ferelden and swap stories about war. It was enjoyable not to take centre stage and watch everyone else for once. I learnt some things that I had no idea about - I didn’t realise Alistair and Leliana had been there to liberate the Circle tower when it fell during the Blight, or quite how far they had to venture into the Deep Roads to secure Orzammar’s support. It was quite a fascinating evening._

_Although, I am sad for Alistair. Freya has been gone nearly four years now and just when he thought she was coming home she had to spend more time out West. I cannot imagine being separated from you for so long and function as Alistair somehow manages to._

_I am tempted to see if there is any support we can offer them both – to find an end to the Calling could greatly help us in our fight with Corypheus as it is so intrinsically linked to the Blight, but I just don’t think we have the resources right now._

_On a purely frivolous level, I was very pleased with my new robes. Thank the Maker Josephine didn’t have us all in dresses – not that I don’t like dresses, but for these sorts of things it is so much easier to retreat into a formal mask if one has a formal outfit on. Cassandra and I would have looked quite ridiculous. You looked rather splendid too, I have to say. I would organise more of these things just to see you in that new design that Josephine arranged, although I doubt you would ever forgive me. You have to admit though, it is better than that heavy plate!_

_What else has happened? Oh yes, Dorian’s father was at the inn would you believe. Trying to persuade him to reconcile. I have no idea if that is something Dorian wants but I left them alone to talk for a bit. He said little on our return to Skyhold and even with Bull he was subdued. Keep an eye on him for me? He is having a tough time at the moment._

_The Storm Coast is a place that haunts me. And another reason to hate it has just been added to my list – the Qunari had set up a test for Bull. The red lyrium shipment was indeed there, but he had to choose to either sacrifice The Chargers or sacrifice the Qunari. He is now Tal Vashoth which tells you everything you need to know._

_Perhaps this is wrong of me and you may have done differently, but I am very proud of his choice. The Qunari were ever dubious, untrustworthy allies and I am pleased he has chosen to save real people who we know can benefit the Inquisition, rather than a nation that would try to swallow us whole at the first opportunity. There is no doubt Bull is struggling with his new status but he’s equally just as relieved to have saved the men and women under his command._

_We are leaving Crestwood later this morning once we’ve seen this contact of Sera’s. I hope to be back tomorrow. Alistair has already visited the village and there are a number of improvements taking place. The buildings have been repaired and the inn is fully functional. The presence of our keep means the couriers and travellers feel much safer so business is improving. It is rewarding to see Crestwood now thrive._

_Oh Maker, thinking of Crestwood, Josephine will be away for some time. I confess I have avoided the whole judgement thing thus far. Do I really have to do this? It feels so pretentious. But I don’t want to leave people rotting in a dungeon._

_There is one thing you can do for me. Ask Leliana what rumours she has heard about the new Divine? I don’t want to write further – I’ll tell you everything when I see you._

_Are you well? I think about you always, and I wish I could be there to support you more through this lyrium withdrawal. I pray every day to the Maker that He aids you with the strength to continue. You have plenty of your own but a little bit extra doesn’t hurt does it?_

_I had hoped to have some more time with you, but every time we seem to manage some days together one of us is unexpectedly sent away again. I view it as the more we are doing, the closer we reach to bringing Corypheus down and then we don’t have to be apart. Or so I tell myself._

_I miss you._

_L_

Her letter was, as ever, so typical of her personality. She literally wrote what she was thinking at the time. The thought of her sitting there, her hair scraped back in a bun so it didn’t fall into the ink, chewing on her quill as she always did when she was writing made him smile as he put her note back in his pocket.

_I miss you too, my lady._

_You are having nightmares again as well are you not? I wish you were here so I could make them better._

_I will tell you soon about Kinloch Hold. I just don’t want you to worry more._

The usual anxiety for her crept into his heart.

He knew her bad dreams were focussed on red lyrium with various varieties on the theme. She never really spoke about the content. Leaena was becoming obsessed with the substance in her hatred of it, on a one-woman mission to personally rid Thedas of it forever.

Cullen couldn’t blame her, but equally he was wary of how much exposure she could tolerate. He heard in horror from Cassandra the story of her former apprentice, force-fed red lyrium to hold a demon, and how unwell Leaena had been from just being near the evil substance again, although she had tried to hide it.

Aside from caution her to be careful, there was little Cullen could do.

_And there lies the problem._

_I can’t protect her. I can’t keep her safe._

The nightmare he’d woken up from roared through his head again. Blackwall’s hands on Leanea’s body was an image he couldn’t shake.

With a snarl, he started a series of sword cuts on the training dummy, each one hitting harder than the last.

_I am inadequate, in every way that matters….._

‘Is it helping?’ Cullen vaguely heard a voice say behind him after he’d indulged himself in five minutes of hacking furiously away at his target.

He stepped back, turning around to see Trystan standing there, watching him impassively.

Cullen sighed. ‘Not particularly. But it is better than lying there, unable to sleep.’

‘Want some company? I could do with the practice.’ Trystan walked into the ring as Cullen nodded his assent.

‘No quarter, Trystan. I need to get this out of my system,’ he said, not bothering to hide his frustration or his anger.

‘Would I insult you with anything less, Cullen? I’m keen to see if I can get the better of you, particularly after you broke my nose last time.’ Trystan drew his sword, immediately launching his attack.

They went at each other for quite some time, swords hammering against shields, both men struggling to get the upper hand on the other despite using every trick in the book, honest or otherwise.

After around forty-five minutes, Cullen lifted his sword as they stepped away from each other. ‘I call that a draw,’ Trystan said cheerfully, somewhat short of breath. ‘That’s one each on either side still. Next time I’ll have you.’

‘That’s what your sister said. I haven’t dared spar against her since for fear the Trevelyans may yet damage my pride.’ Cullen found himself able to smile again, tired, sweating after the physical exercise but feeling almost himself again, his demons banished for now.

‘That was quite the performance,’ Dorian called to them as they waved a greeting. Cullen hadn’t realised the other man had been there – but it did explain the prickles of magic he’d felt if Dorian had been training as well.

‘How did Lea fare against you?’ Trystan asked curiously.

‘She got me down to my last dagger. It was only because she hit an unexpected raise in the ground that she didn’t disarm me and win. She is very talented.’ He kept his eyes straight, not wanting to give anything away about the morning that still ranked at the very top of his better dreams.

‘Lea did well to get that far,’ Trystan looked at him, surprised. ‘Her downfall is being too focussed on her target and not the surroundings. I had to get her out of a trance sometimes when we were in combat which was always entertaining. Holding off a demon, trying to nudge Lea. Multitasking is not something I want to be doing in that situation.’

‘Yes, I’ve had to do that a few times,’ Dorian added. ‘She gets lost in her magic. We’re all done and there she is, still casting for the fun of it.’

‘She’s never like that with me…’ Cullen trailed off, both men looking expectantly at him with interest. ‘Anyway,’ he said ignoring them both as he was not in a mood to be teased, ‘who is coming for some breakfast? I’ve worked up a bit of an appetite now.’

The other two nodded their agreement as they walked back to the main hall.

‘I must freshen up,’ Trystan said with a grimace as he shook out a wrist. ‘Damn, you hit hard still, Cullen. My shield arm is a bit jarred.’

‘I’ll join you. And always happy to oblige by the way, Trystan. Are you sure you’re not getting soft?’ Cullen grinned. Trystan was as skilled as he was so it gratified him on some basic level to know that he’d managed to do some damage.

‘Hardly!’ Trystan laughed. ‘Next time, Commander. You’ll regret those words.’

‘I’ll get us a table. See you both up there.’ Dorian walked up to the hall as he and Trystan went back to the barracks.

‘He’s not a happy man,’ Trystan said quietly.

‘No. Lea indicated there was a problem in her last letter. I’ll try and speak to him this morning.’ Cullen looked after the mage, feeling sympathy for his predicament.

\-------

They quickly washed and changed before heading back to the main hall dining room.

‘What the fuck has happened here?’ Cullen forgot where he was as he swore, looking round the hall.

All the furniture had been rearranged, along with the drapes. He knew Lea and Josephine had spent a long time choosing everything so it fit the part for the visiting dignitaries and to see it all gone was beyond disconcerting.

‘I have no idea.’ Trystan looked confused. ‘Who would bother doing this? And for what purpose?’

Dorian walked over to them both. ‘Might I suggest we grab something and go and eat in the garden? It’s….easier to talk there.’

Cullen spoke to a guard to send a message as they loaded up their plates, grabbed some coffees and headed outside to one of the tables. Fortunately it wasn’t too cold.

‘It’s still early. I wonder if Leliana knows yet.’ Cullen sighed. ‘We will have to find out who it was and get them out of Skyhold straight away once Leliana is done with them. Who on earth would obey an order like that one unless it came from an advisor or Lea herself?’

‘Have a guess,’ Dorian said cryptically.

‘Who would…Vivienne?’ Trystan said, fury in his voice.

‘The one and only.’ Dorian’s face had a look of disdain whenever the woman’s name came up. ‘A little power play from the world’s most hated mage. Quite a statement move on her part. She must have something that is making her bold.’

‘Or desperate,’ Leliana interjected as she joined the three of them. ‘Typical Vivienne, those decorations. Garish and vulgar.’

‘Just like her,’ Dorian said dismissively. ‘Much though she tries to hide it. She is walking proof that money can’t buy class or style.’

‘Good morning, by the way,’ Leliana said to the three of them as she sipped her tea. ‘My agents are already working out who arranged all of this for Vivienne. I will have some answers by the time Lea gets back. I do not appreciate having other operatives in our fortress.’

‘She wants to know whether there have been any rumours about the nominations for the next Divine.’ Cullen ran a hand through his hair, trying to remove the headache that still hadn’t gone from his nightmare.

‘Interesting, particularly as I have just had word. Did you know Cassandra and my names are being touted in Val Royaeux?’ Leliana’s expression was faintly amused.

Cullen felt Trystan go very still next to him at the news.

‘I wonder what that has to do with Vivienne,’ Cullen thought aloud. ‘Maker’s Breath, this rubbish is giving me a headache. Why can’t she just come out with what she wants and be done with it?’

‘Where would the fun be in that, Commander?’ Dorian laughed sardonically. ‘Vivienne is out for maximum gain in this game she is playing. Just coming out and saying it would render her completely powerless.’

‘Quite so, Dorian,’ Leliana agreed. ‘I know Lea was getting some information about Vivienne and I suspect she may now have it. We will have to await her arrival to put all the pieces of the puzzle together. But there is one thing for certain – what she is doing is designed to bring Lea, and maybe the Inquisition, down.’

‘If she so much as tries, she is dead.’ There was no compromise in Trystan’s words.

‘There’s a queue, Trystan. You’d never be so rude as to jump it would you?’ Cullen reminded him quietly, in complete agreement with his words.

‘Fair enough,’ he replied. ‘You can disable her and I’ll get the killing blow. Don’t say I’m not generous.’

‘Gentlemen, you can put your swords away.’ Leliana waved her hand dismissively at them both. ‘This will be resolved without the need to draw steel. Lea must face her down soon though. My agents have already searched Lea’s quarters and declared them safe for her return.’

‘Thank you Leliana,’ Cullen replied. ‘I was going to do that myself but you’ve saved me a job. I will have another sweep once she is back, just in case.’ There was no way Leaena was moving anywhere without him by her side until the woman was gone from Skyhold.

‘Lea has a plan,’ Trystan said. ‘She wants to out her publicly over something. She didn’t say what. But I suspect that confrontation will happen sooner rather than later.’

‘So we know it is to do with the question over who will be the next Divine,’ Dorian said pensively. ‘That two Inquisition members’ names have been put forward, and Vivienne herself is in the intolerable position of having no status and no power aside from a few old friends in Orlais. And we know she wants to shame Lea and the Inquisition. I bet all my gold Vivienne is aiming to discredit you both, somehow framing Lea in the process.’

‘Absolutely,’ Leliana agreed. ‘The question is what does she gain, aside from revenge? There must be more.’

‘And the totally pointless activity to rearrange Skyhold? To either force a confrontation, a display of power we thought she did not have, or to see Leaena’s reaction?’ Cullen rubbed the back of his neck again, his headache getting worse.

‘Possibly all three. She is trying to rattle the Inquisitor, that is for certain.’ Leliana put her cup down. ‘I will have word soon. Ask Lea to not confront her until we have all spoken again.’

‘That won’t be hard. Our Inquisitor has spoken all of about two sentences to Vivienne since she arrived with the Inquisition,’ Dorian pointed out.

‘My sister has a temper, and little patience, Dorian. This is the kind of thing that she would rage about,’ Trystan replied.

‘All the more reason for her not to. Cullen, you need to stop her. We leave the fortress as it currently is until Lea returns.’ Leliana bid them all goodbye as she left them all to finish their breakfast.

‘Cassandra and Leliana as candidates? That throws a spanner in the works,’ Dorian said after a moment.

‘It’s all words right now, and will take months for any selection to even begin to take place.’ Cullen was more speaking to reassure the man next to him who had gone still yet again.

‘That’s true,’ Dorian conceded. ‘The Chantry takes forever to move. Anyhow,’ he said, standing up, ‘I have a few matters to attend to. Such as chasing off family retainers. Thank you for the breakfast.’

Cullen could see the flash of anguish across Dorian’s face as he mentioned his family. ‘Dorian, do you have time for a game later?’ he asked. Chess always helped his headaches go away and maybe it would distract Dorian as well from his problems.

_And Lea wants me to. Which was all the excuse I needed._

‘Prepared for defeat this time, Commander? Why not? Give me an hour,’ he suggested. ‘I’ll meet you back here.’

Cullen nodded his agreement as Dorian walked off.

‘What do you think the chances are of either one of them succeeding?’ Trystan asked after Dorian left. His voice was soft, trying to mask his disquiet and failing.

‘I don’t know.’ Cullen wished he could offer his friend the hope he was after. ‘But there’s plenty of time yet. Don’t let this stop you from doing what you want to do.’

‘This is a....complication I had not anticipated,’ Trystan sighed before giving a rueful smile. ‘I don’t need to tell you what I’m referring to, do I?’

‘Let’s just say our Inquisitor arranged things a certain way for you and another to have some time away from Skyhold,’ Cullen replied blandly.

Trystan was silent for a minute or two. Cullen waited, happy to listen if he needed to talk.

_I know. I’ve been there too._

The garden was empty, the only sound the birds in the trees and the wind rustling the leaves. It was one of the more peaceful spots in Skyhold. Trystan could talk without fear of being overheard.

‘Lea…my sister knows me too well.’ Trystan sat back, running his hands through his hair, exhaling slowly. ‘I was not expecting to find to find the chance for love, not during a war. Not ever. My life was devoted to serve the Chantry, to protect mages, my sister, my family, those who need it. And now, with mages independent, no Circle, no Order, my sister has you - I am free. And I know what I want to do with it. But this?’

_Your sister has my heart. I would die to protect her._

_But does she have all of me? I feel I am half the person I should be._

‘I will join the Inquisition and serve under you. I will go back to Ostwick and gather our Templars and bring them here. I leave at the end of the week. I have every intention of stopping lyrium. I do not know when – possibly soon, possibly after the war is over’ Trystan broke off, pausing a moment to gather his thoughts.

‘I do not want to go through withdrawal when I may only have a limited amount of time with Cassandra. If she is made Divine,’ he whispered. ‘I don’t want to ruin this chance, this moment. Maker save me for my selfishness. I am not as strong as you, Cullen, to go through that now. I…must make the most of this. How do you do it? With everything you have to deal with?’

_I lie on the floor vomiting, shaking, after having had nightmare after nightmare that your sister is a desire demon, fucking another man in front of me. That I have lost her to another._

_That’s how I deal with it._

‘I found Leaena’s phylactery which Cadan probably told you?’ He saw Trystan nod. ‘I was tempted to take lyrium to find it – I even took some with me. And again, every time she is under threat, the urge is almost overwhelming. I would use it in a heartbeat if I thought it gave me a chance of saving her from danger.’

Cullen realised he had never really discussed this with anyone properly, nor someone who understood exactly what he had to go through. ‘Can I serve her, serve the Inquisition better if I take it again? Am I as effective without the lyrium? It is a battle, I face, every day. Some days are better than others. But after Kirkwall, after watching what the Order had become, what I came close to being – I cannot go back. Leaena and Cassandra are insistent that I persevere with this, that I can do it. So I do. I have no other choice. It is not easy, but I believe it is worth it in the long run.’

‘Several Templars have also stopped now, Iminric included, I understand,’ Trystan said thoughtfully. ‘You are setting us a fine example, Cullen – and judging from the bout we just had all your abilities are still very firmly in place. Your armies are impressive; well-trained, organised, and completely loyal to you. This is your doing. Do not sell yourself short.’

Cullen felt himself flush slightly under the praise.

_Maybe it’s not quite as bad as I think it is?_

‘I confess I am frightened of the side effects. But I will bear it. Faith will guide me.’ Trystan smiled. ‘I need to think on this, maybe speak to Cassandra, ask her opinion. Underneath her severe demeanour beats the heart of a true romantic,’ he finished, almost talking to himself.

‘Dare I ask how you found that out?’ Cullen was curious. It was a side to Cassandra few had ever heard about.

‘A starry night, a camp fire and a shot in the dark that she might like a particular sonnet. That was all it took. She wants the ideal and I will try my best to give that to her,’ he replied absently.

An awful thought suddenly struck Cullen.

_Have I really never romanced Leaena? Properly courted her?_

They had fallen straight in love, the circumstances around them not leaving room for much more. There had never been any need. Or so he told himself.

Cullen didn’t really see himself the type to spout poetry like Trystan apparently seemed so easily able to do, but still. Maybe he should have done more. Although Leaena had never complained.

_She always seems so….practical._

_It’s one of the things I love about her._

Cullen felt himself going a bit green.

_Great. Tell her that when you see her later. Hello Leaena, I love you. You’re so practical._

_Well done, Cullen. That would win any woman over._

He felt himself flounder. Fortunately Trystan was still lost in thought and didn’t notice.

He had no idea what to do when it came to this sort of thing, but felt like he’d missed something quite important. He always knew how she felt so it had rendered conversation unnecessary. But not irrelevant.  

_I tell her I love her. And she is beautiful. Is that not enough? Do women like that sort of nonsense? Flowers, dancing, dinner, candles?_

_Maker’s Breath! Did I just ask myself that?_

 ‘Oh, I need to see Varric. Fancy a quick walk with me before your chess game?’ Trystan asked suddenly.

‘Of course. What’s he done this time?’ Cullen was still struggling to shake off the disquieting feeling that he had somehow taken Leaena and her feelings for granted all this time.

_Well what does she like?_

_I can hardly have that conversation with her brother can I!_

‘It’s what he hasn’t done, actually,’ Trystan said with a grin as they reached Varric’s usual spot in the hall.

‘What haven’t I done?’ Varric asked mildly, but curiosity evident in his gaze.

‘Did you know Cassandra was a fan?’ Trystan asked.

‘The same Seeker, tall, scary, likes hitting things? Very funny,’ Varric said disbelievingly.

‘Oh I assure you it’s true. I even got to see a copy of the book. Swords and Shields. She’s eagerly awaiting the next chapter.’ Trystan was struggling not to laugh at Varric’s expression.

‘Swords and Shields? Cassandra? Seriously?’ Varric was, for once, speechless.

_She likes stories about Grey Wardens. Histories. I know that much at least._

_That’s because she went through my library and found the book. How much effort have I really made?_

‘She’ll be waiting a while then. That one barely paid for the paper it was published on,’ Varric replied, shaking his head.

‘Cassandra would appreciate it if you did,’ Trystan said, doing his best to persuade the dwarf. ‘Didn’t you mention you wanted to make it up to her when we were playing cards the other night?’

‘This is true.’ Varric thought for a moment. ‘Tell you what, I’ll write the next chapter, under one condition. I get to give it to her.’

‘Done.’ Trystan shook the dwarf’s hand.

‘What is Sword and Shields anyway?’ Cullen asked, finally catching up with the conversation.

‘It’s a romance on the risqué side,’ Trystan said, a big smile on his face.

_Because he’s just done a small but special gesture for the woman he is already falling in love with._

_Surely I have too? Well, big things anyway? I’ve saved her. She likes my cloak. Is that not the same thing?_

‘Cassandra reads that kind of thing? I would never have guessed.’ Cullen struggled to hide his surprise. 'I need to go and meet Dorian. Thank you for your time this morning Trystan. I appreciate it.’

Cullen left them to their plotting.

\------

Making his way to the chess area, he saw Dorian there already, setting up the board. ‘All ready, Cullen?’ Dorian asked as he settled himself in for the game.

‘Indeed. I’ll try and go easy on you today,’ Cullen said with a quick grin as he reached the table.

His headache was still pounding, his hands shaking a little after his session earlier in the day. Dorian seemed disinclined to talk much which suited him fine. He was still in slight shock as he thought through what he had actually done for Leaena. For her as a woman.

_I love her. I tell her. I hope I show her how much I care for her. I think I have that covered._

_I want her. Always. She knows how desirable I find her. But that’s sex. Definitely not the same thing. Is it?_

He was beginning to feel ashamed of himself.

_She gives so much of herself to me. Always subtly finding out things that I will like and then trying it out. Even though it makes her shy, nervous. She will still want to try. Because she does it to please me. Like dressing up in that outfit, those boots…._

_When did I ever do that, do anything for her?_

‘You are quiet today, Commander. So much so I may have you on the run,’ Dorian said lightly.

‘I….yes. I have something on my mind. But I think describing it as on the run is somewhat of an exaggeration,’ he replied distractedly.

_I got her some whiskey to take out on trips. And some toffee in the flavour I know she likes. Why that particular combination though, I still have no idea._

_I always write to her. I find that hard. But I want her to have something to read at the end of a long day._

‘Sometimes, you know, it helps to share.’ Dorian looked expectantly at him.

_You can’t ask Trystan or Cadan. But Dorian would know._

‘I…’ Cullen flushed a bright red as he struggled to get the words out. ‘I don’t know how to be romantic. As in…..what do people do? Leaena and I….I can’t stand outside under the stars like Trystan can and recite reams of poems about love. She’d think I’ve gone mad. I want to do something for her, but I….oh for fuck’s sake, I don’t know!’

He stared at the board moodily as he made his next move, his headache even worse than before, waiting for a sarcastic comment in response.

In his last thought at least, he was pleasantly surprised.

‘Romance is not solely the province of repeating bad love poems in the moonlight you know,’ Dorian observed in a mild tone.

Cullen sighed. ‘I know. I just…I feel as if I’ve taken advantage of her. I want to do something for her. I didn’t really court her, well, I’ve always known how she felt. But it takes more than that, to make someone feel special. I feel like I haven’t really shown her….As you may have guessed, I am not a romantic type of person,’ he finished somewhat desperately.

‘I’ve been out with Lea in the field and I think you are doing yourself a bit of a disservice, Cullen.’ Dorian was intrigued by the whole conversation. ‘But if you do feel the way you do, then why not find out what she likes? You do know what she likes don’t you? It sounds so simple and obvious, but romance is in the small things. The grand gesture is really, for many people, overrated.’

‘Small things like what?’ He felt a bit confused.

‘Lea, for all her noble background, delights in simplicity. Why not make her dinner? Something you prepared yourself?’ Dorian suggested. ‘She has that splendid balcony. Or why not dance with her? Lea likes dancing. I do know that.’

‘I know she does,’ Cullen muttered. ‘I hate it. I was quite vocal about it in Denerim. Now I feel like an idiot for refusing to dance with her.’

‘Focus forward, not backwards.’ Dorian was firm. ‘But didn’t you go to balls in Kirkwall? You were of a senior rank.’

‘In Kirkwall I avoided them. I normally found an excuse to not attend, and when I did I never danced.’ He shuddered a bit at the memories. ‘Bad food, poor wine, terrible music and a lot of inebriated nobles. Urgh.’

‘It sounds about right. Just like home, in fact. Now I feel homesick.’ Dorian sighed.  

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ It was now Cullen’s turn to offer the favour.

‘Not really. This conversation is far more interesting than how my father has a problem with me preferring men. Do you actually know how to dance?’ Dorian made another move. ‘I think you need to come to terms with my inevitable victory, by the way.’

‘I can just about shamble around a dance floor, but I would hardly put myself in the same category as you, for example.’ Cullen frowned at the board, looking for a way out of Dorian’s potential checkmate. Then Dorian’s words suddenly sunk in.

_It was hardly news. But there is more to it than Dorian’s sexual preferences._

‘Well, no one is in the same category as me, Cullen.’ Dorian dismissed his comment with a wave of his hand. ‘What a ridiculous thing to suggest!’

‘Why is your preferring men even an issue?’ Cullen looked at the board again, seeing his move. ‘And you can gloat all you want, but I have this one.’

‘Are you sassing me, Commander?’ Dorian’s eyebrows raised. ‘There is hope for you yet. And no, it shouldn’t be anyone’s issue, but in the perfect world of House Parvus it is a big deal indeed. There’s nothing further to say.’

Cullen sat back, considering how to get Dorian to open up. He needed to, but was resisting for some reason.

_My headache, my tremors. They are worse. I can’t think straight._

‘You are the first person I have ever spoken with about my relationship with Leaena. It was not easy for me to do. But it had to be done. We are here to help and support each other. So, Dorian. Talk. You need to.’ He waited patiently for a response.

For the first time, Cullen saw Dorian look vulnerable as a deep sadness appeared on his face. Slowly, he started to explain what happened in Redcliffe.


	59. Denial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note this chapter discusses in detail a paranoia attack and withdrawal symptoms, along with a memory of torture.

He’d just finished checking through Leaena’s quarters again for any sign of foul play and had turned nothing up. It had been a long, trying day. His temper was short, his headache the worst it had been for some time. His body was becoming increasingly shaky and he was feeling claustrophobic.

It would only take one more thing before he snapped. After a pleasant morning, somehow, somewhere along the way, today had gone horribly wrong.

Cullen couldn’t quite pinpoint it. It could have been the nightmare of Leaena preferring to fuck someone else and the after effects he’d suffered upon waking. It could have been the fact that there was a danger to her in the form of a former First Enchanter and he didn’t know what that was. Or it could have just been the cumulative effect of too many sleepless nights away from her, as he became, increasingly, too afraid to sleep.

He felt divided, conflicted.

_Paranoid._

He was exhausted, needing to get back to his quarters before another withdrawal episode kicked in and he did something he would regret. Deciding to risk cutting through the main hall to get to his quarters as fast as possible, he set off.

His luck did not hold.

‘Commander!’

He turned in unwelcome surprise when he realised who was addressing him.

‘Madame de Fer,’ he replied coolly. It was only Leliana’s warning in his head that was stopping him from Silencing the mage before putting his sword through her heart, right outside the Main Hall.  

_Blood is hard to clean off tiles._

_And Leaena would get upset about the mess at the entrance._

‘I would appreciate a moment of your time,’ Vivienne’s smile didn’t even come close to removing the ice that was in her eyes. She was holding her magic to her, her aura a thick blue. Her eyes had a similar, yet completely different blue sheen to them compared to Leaena. There was warmth and joy in his Inquisitor’s magic. This woman had none.

‘What is it you need?’ Cullen was trying his best not to be rude, but was unable to hide the impatience and disdain in his voice. He wanted Leaena back, Leliana to identify who was the threat behind this and to toss this woman to be claimed by the elements if Leaena wouldn’t let him kill her. All in a day.

This conversation was already making his headache worse.

‘Mages are so absolutely reliant on you and your people. It is reassuring to see even more Templars arriving daily at Skyhold.’ Vivienne watched him, assessing his response.

‘We are fortunate to have such skilled soldiers join our ranks. Our numbers grow daily,’ he replied, trying his best to hide the tremors that had been wracking his body, holding onto his hands, breathing deeply.

‘Indeed. The Inquisition needs every Templar to help manage Fiona and her malcontents. They are still very much a tediously disorganised rabble, even after all this time.’ She paused, giving him a hard stare. ‘I understand you no longer use lyrium, Commander. Such a remarkable decision to have reached during these times.’

_She is not giving me a compliment._

_What in the Maker’s name is the point of this conversation?_

‘That’s correct. I am no longer part of the Templar Order.’ He was trying to say as little as possible and, once Leaena knew, had made no secret of the fact that he no longer used lyrium.

‘How interesting you must find your situation these days, particularly as the majority of your former Order must be looking elsewhere for their lyrium supply.’ Her eyes did not waver from his, going ever colder and more malevolent as they sized him up and found him severely wanting.

Cullen didn’t bother to reply, hoping that would end the conversation.

_I don’t give a shit about her opinion._

_I am tired of playing games._

The sound of crows overhead, departing Skyhold, had them both looking up momentarily.

‘Messenger birds out again? The Nightingale must be kept so busy. I do admire how she seems to keep track of everything so efficiently.’ Vivienne regarded him with as much warmth as an iceberg. ‘I thank you for your time, Commander. I’m sure you have other matters to attend to.’

Cullen watched her sweep off in that pretentious manner of hers, dressed like the whore she was. The sense of unease he’d felt since she first called him over, the sense he should have done far more about that woman than he had, had multiplied with every second of the conversation.

He had missed something. Again. Because of his distraction, his lack of focus, lives were now at risk.

He could almost see the final vestiges of his control break in his mind, almost heard an audible crack.

_Vivienne was not wrong on one thing – I am lacking._

He walked mindlessly towards his office, along the battlements, looking for the flag to go up, waiting till he could speak to Cassandra, to finally put an end to the nightmare he was stuck in, to tell them what a mistake they had made.

He kept staring at the flag pole, obsessively waiting for the sign the Inquisitor’s party was near, anything to focus his mind away from the relentless thoughts and visions that had plagued him all day.

_I am not strong enough, no matter what Leanea says._

Seeing some guards heading his way, he made it quickly back to his office, locking the doors so no one could come in.

_I am too divided._

_I am failing her, failing the Inquisition._

One corner of Cullen’s mind registered that he had overdone it, that this was no more a throwback to one of his worse lyrium withdrawal symptoms.

He tried to tell himself that this would pass, that he could do what was needed, that he was capable. That he didn’t need lyrium to make it work. That he could have Leaena and lead the Inquisition's armies. 

That corner was the tiny bastion of sanity that then was drowned out by the clamouring of noise from all the other voices in his head, the frenetic pace of their demands echoing round and round with no end. Paranoia raged through him, taking over from reason.

_All these people, all these lives, dependent on me._

_What can I offer them? Nothing but my own selfish needs._

Leaning on his desk, frightened for anyone saw him like this, the small bastion of sanity in his mind tried and failed to fight the circular thoughts chasing round and round. They filled him with their venom as he helplessly felt the poison seep through his body, unable to do anything about it.

He was shaking violently as he reached for Solas’ potion, spilling half of it as he tried to drink, failing to stop the worst of the tremors.

The lyrium in Cullen’s blood was on fire, each movement agony as he tried to suppress the desire to reach into his draw and drink the contents, finally sending him to his knees. It demanded to be nourished, clawing at his stomach in its frenzy for more.

_I should take it. I am so far away from my best._

_I shouldn’t take it. This torment will end one day. I will be free._

He wasn’t sure now why he thought stopping lyrium was a good idea. Why he had even become involved with the Inquisitor in the first place. Not when he had the responsibility of so many men and women relying on him, looking to him to do the right thing. To lead them to victory.

_I couldn’t even lead a horse right now, let alone an army._

_Trystan is right to wait. Why have I not just waited?_

Leaena was due any time. He couldn’t let her see him like this, see him crippled by fear, anxiety, paranoia. He couldn't let her change his mind.

_I promised you a living nightmare……I will see you suffer……_

At the memory of the demon’s hiss, Cullen’s headache intensified to the point that light caused blinding pain in his skull. Closing his eyes, he immediately wished he hadn’t as visions and images of his every failure paraded before him. Gasping for air he couldn’t seem to breathe, he rubbed his fists hard into his face, trying desperately in a futile attempt to erase the memories.

_Mage after mage branded, Haven buried, Templars slaughtered in front of me…._

The voices in his head changed. Cries of agony and terror seared his brain as his friends were tortured while he watched, abominations forced into their mutilated bodies whilst he was bound, unable to help, the only witness to their suffering.

_Cullen? Don’t you recognise me?_

_Only too well. How far they must have delved into my thoughts…._

Freya’s sweet, light voice whispered through his mind, at complete odds with the anguished howls in the Harrowing Chamber beside him. She was standing there in front of him as she called his name, tormenting him with everything that was forbidden, the one thing he could never have. His impossible love for her was flaunted before him as he fought inside his mind to resist temptation that would have bound him to the demon forever.

_Maker, please, just make the screaming stop….._

He felt Leaena’s magic suddenly, forcing him to open his eyes. It was stronger than ever, making him shiver at the feeling as the two connected. His lyrium called to it, demanding more as her magic fed him, cooled his blood, reduced the pain.

_I don’t…how…._

Cullen had no time to think on it any more as another violent shudder wracked his body. He could tell Leaena was worried, frantically trying to reach him as fast as she could.

_It is too late._

_I can go and speak to Cassandra. End this._

His need to take lyrium had diminished for now, making him feel marginally better, but that just gave the voices in his head the space to increase their constant derision, belittling everything he had ever done, everything he wasn’t able to now do. Everything he should be doing instead. 

_How can I protect her?_

_I cannot keep her safe and do this. It is one or the other._

Forcing himself to his feet, he walked deliberately, slowly to make sure his body didn’t betray him, down to wait for Cassandra in the forge.

It was the first time he hadn’t welcomed Leaena home.

He could feel her panic rising, her anxiety matching his own, needing to know he was safe, desperate to know how she could help, searching for him as her magic continued to feed the lyrium within him, trying to reassure him. It only strengthened the call of the voices in his head, made him more determined.

Cassandra finally arrived, surprised to see him there.

‘Why are you not going to see Lea? She is worried about you….’ She stopped talking, taken aback by Cullen’s pale pallor and extreme agitation.

‘I am not the man to be your Commander. You need to find a replacement.’ Cullen was unwilling to keep up with the compromise.

‘Cullen, you give yourself too little credit ….’ she tried to interject.

‘No! It’s relentless…you don’t understand….!’ He needed to make her see as he paced the floor in front of the fire, unable to stand still.

‘What you propose is not necessary,’’ Cassandra retorted firmly, refusing to accept what he was saying.

_I need to escape. I can’t think straight._

_I need to leave. Before she sees me. Before she changes my mind._

He felt Leaena get closer and closer, terrified now for him, running, sensing a momentary rage surging through her magic which he guessed was when she saw the main hall. That disappeared again in her overriding need to reach wherever he was.

‘I cannot do this,’ he hissed, turning to leave.

‘Cullen! You are not making any sense. I think you should get some rest. We will not make any decisions today,’ Cassandra almost shouted at him, trying to get through to him, trying to make him see reason.

He stopped suddenly at the sight of Leaena’s beautiful face appearing around the corner of the door. For a second everything was wiped clear from his mind at the sheer pleasure of seeing her again.

‘Cullen, don't….’ The sound of her musical voice, filled with concern, warred with the ones in his head, almost silencing them. Almost.

 _I’m so sorry, my lady._  

‘This is over. I am done. My attention goes to our armies, or not at all.’ Cullen looked away as he walked off, unable to bear the disappointment on her face.

He was heedless of the fact she could still feel everything he felt, his love for her, his anguish, his total disarray, the sheer pain pounding in his head, the voices that would never cease. His lyrium was chanting too loudly in his body, singing for more to hear anything else, his head in too much of a frenzy for anyone to get through to him.

_A coward to the end._

Blindly, he managed to make it past people, past the courtyard, up the stairs to his office.

Breathing heavily, his hands trembling, he lined up his lyrium philters in front of him on his desk, one by one holding them up, watching the sunlight filter through the clear blue liquid. Next to them he opened his lyrium kit, the ingredients still in his drawer, ready to make more to replace the ones he was about to take.

He stood, staring at them for some time, running through in his mind all the promises he had made to himself, the commitment he had made to the Order, the Inquisition.

_And here I am, about to break them all. No matter what I do._

His head felt like it was splitting in two, the conflict within him tearing him apart.  

_I can be more if I take it._

_I can’t be me if I take it._

His whole body was trembling as he stared at the little arrangement he’d made himself on the table, the lyrium seductively calling to him, its fingers snaking around his soul, calling him, pulling him closer.

_Duty, desire..._

_I promised her…._

Cullen threw the lyrium kit across the room with a howl of anguish and frustration as it shattered on the opposite wall, his philters scattering across his desk.

He'd had enough of the arguments in his head, the pain in his soul, his body broken, his commitment to the Inquisition distracted. His decision was made.

Closing his eyes, he reached for one of his philters. Opening the top, he inhaled the irresistible, sweet scent of the lyrium, the singing even louder now, vibrating throughout his body, its call demanding he drink. His hand shaking harder, he lifted it to his lips, tilting it back to tip its contents down his throat.


	60. Decisions

_How the fuck did I get caught out like this?_

He was frozen in place, the sensation of such powerful magic shooting painful spikes across his skin, making his hackles rise as he prepared to strike down whoever had done this as soon as he was free. He was also freezing cold, clueless as to how he’d ended up being put in this position by a mage, unable to see anything besides what was in front of him.

Panic began to set in alongside the growing darkness rising in front of his eyes, the need to punish the person who had trapped him – with magic – so comprehensively.

_Dearest Cullen…….I do so love to keep my promises….._

Cullen was in a fury at being attacked in his own office, hearing the demon’s whisper in his mind making him frantic to escape his trap. He couldn’t see how far the limits of his cage stretched, couldn’t use any of his abilities whilst he was frozen.

_Who would dare….._

‘Commander! What the fuck do you think you’re doing!’ Leaena’s voice cracked across his office, as cold as the ice he was encased in.

_Shit! How could she!_

He had been so focussed on the singing of the lyrium in front of him as he debated whether to drink it or not, he hadn’t even realised she was near. Remembering his words, some distant part of him conceded she had just cause to be as angry as she was.

None of that knowledge was in the remotest bit helpful in removing his mind from the past, making his temper and his headache worse.

She stormed over to him, shattering with a wave of her hand the philter he’d had held to his lips. ‘I’m going to fucking well leave you as a block of ice because it’s the only way I think I can get you to stop and listen!’

_The mages, torturing me…._

Leaena was pacing round him in circles, her eyes blazing, still ready to cast if he tried anything on her and prepared for his Silences. ‘You’d better be saying your prayers to Andraste right now, because if you allowed even so much as a drop of that lyrium into your mouth I’ll make you vomit up the stuff myself!’

‘As for all that crap about stepping down as Commander? That is not your decision to make. Did I not, in this very room all those months ago, tell you I make the call as to whether you are fit to serve, not you?’ Her voice had risen as she continued to berate him for his behaviour.

Cullen’s senses were telling him a different story. Her anger was driven by a terrible fear, a fear he’d put there. It didn’t matter that she knew why he had done what he did – she couldn’t shake the thought that she was losing him to lyrium, that he would leave her.

It didn’t matter what she thought. He was so furious, the old terror crashing through him, he was struggling to breathe.

‘You swore an oath to the Inquisition which I expect you to honour. In case you were in any doubt,’ she finished sarcastically, ‘I do not grant you permission to step down. You’ll have to do a damned sight better than you did in the forge to persuade me otherwise. Or turn oathbreaker if you so wish. The choice is yours.’

With another wave of her hand, he was free. Staggering slightly under the sensation of having his body back for the first time he waited for the chill to depart his bones, mistrust and fury at her presumption roaring through his body. He leant forward on his desk, trying to recover as his eyes met hers, her rage very much in evidence, her magic still at the ready if she needed it.

He could feel the vicious sting of her hurt because of his earlier words and her newfound uncertainty as to what was, or was not, between them. Despite his fury with her, it only served to fuel the blackness rapidly rising inside him, to know he had caused her such pain because of his own weaknesses.

‘It’s funny how being frozen in my own office, by one of the most powerful spells a mage can attack with, makes me reassess my decisions!’ he shouted back at her.

_How can she know why this is such an issue? I’ve never told her what happened._

‘One pathetic ice spell would have a mighty Templar running scared? Spare me the sob story, Commander!’ she spat back at him. ‘I do believe you have used several of your strongest abilities on me not once, but twice and I wasn’t even bloody well awake!’

Cullen was in a spiral he couldn’t stop, the room almost fading away, taking him back to a place he had fought so hard to leave behind. That small bastion of sanity was frantically telling him to stop talking, that this was all a mistake, that she was frightened for him, had done that out of desperation and she would never hurt him.

He had two conversations raging in his head. What was in his mind and what was coming out of his mouth were, however, completely separate things.

The fact that her point was valid made him even angrier, his paranoia at a peak he hadn’t felt in years.

‘That spell is hardly pathetic, Inquisitor.’ His tone was deliberately scathing. ‘And I thought you were all in favour of mages learning to control themselves, for Templars to relax their stance and be more understanding. That little demonstration of yours just shows the impossibility of that happening.’

_What? Why did I even say that?_

_Because it’s true. How could I forget? Caged, tortured, tormented, watching the others die as abominations, abused._

He felt her flinch through her magic, both of their emotions far too intense to make any sense of what was going on between them. Their love for each other, the desire to not make this worse, were completely submerged, both of them too busy bombarding each other with their anger and fear for each other for there to be room for anything else.

‘What in Andraste’s name? Why raise this…..fuck it, why not, seeing as you’re suddenly so insistent on rehashing the past. How delightful to see that the infamous Knight-Captain, renowned for his eager participation in all those abuses of mages in Kirkwall, has decided to make an appearance among us once more.’ The way she spoke his former title left him in no doubt as to her disdain of what he’d stood for.

‘Mages cannot be treated like people. We aren’t like everyone else. We are weapons. We should be re-educated on why the Chantry functions as it does. Mages always in the wrong, Templars always in the right. How very progressive of you.’ She parroted words he knew he'd spoken right back at him.

_How did she know I said those things?_

_I don’t think that now!_

She was now intent on hurting him just as much as he had her earlier, reason having left both of them the moment Leaena had set foot in the forge.

_I don’t understand. Why are we doing this to each other?_

‘Don’t waste my time telling me how desperate you were to champion the cause for your fellow mages,’ he shot back with contempt, every word designed to cut her further. ‘It was quite the tactical choice on your part wasn’t it, to lock yourself away for years on end, following Circle law to the letter, dismissing everything else as beneath you, keeping your brother chained to you and never allowing him a life of his own? Hardly the move of someone who is so intent on improving things for her fellow brethren is it?’

_Don’t you know me better, know I am better than this?_

At the mention of Trystan the fire in Leaena's eyes went white hot. ‘I must have dreamt it. Or are all those mages sitting around Skyhold battling for their freedom still? Did I not put myself through the agony of what will happen in the future if Corypheus wins just to set them free, not to mention save your hide? Every single time I leave this place and walk into danger? For the Inquisition? For Thedas? Yet you preach to me about locking myself away! I don’t see you volunteering to go and face your demons in order to free your fellow Templars! You don’t have the first clue about what I was like prior to the Inquisition! I, however, know all there is to know seeing as you never made it a secret to hide how much you desipse mages!'

Her whole body was rigid with anger and disbelief that this was even happening, with no idea how to stop it, only able to continue to pile hurt upon hurt.

_She doesn’t know…it’s not her fault!_

His mind was screaming, his headache now so powerful, his anguish at how this had turned into what it had was bringing Cullen to the point of collapse.

‘Those same mages you manipulated me into accepting, despite everything that has happened? Yes, I despise them and with damned good reason! You, Inquisitor, know nothing about my life!’ he retorted furiously.

'It's remarkable that Meredith's pet bully found his kicks by fucking mages, not to mention chasing after a certain Hero from Kinloch Hold. How many others were there that you decided to take advantage of? You fucking hypocrite, accusing me of manipulation! You declare your hatred and then used us, used me! for your own satisfaction. You are the same as any other Templar. Seeking your gratification and then buggering off when you're done, your head up your sanctimonious arse! But no, it's always the mage's fault isn't it. Maker forbid you take any responsibility for your own actions onto yourself,' she hissed at him with scorn and derision.

_How does she know that happened! It was a lifetime ago, meaningless to me!_

_Maker, it wasn't like that between Leaena and I. She should know it!_

Some tiny bastion of sanity managed to prevent him from responding to her last comment, leaving him reeling, somehow sensing she was appalled with herself for speaking such words out loud. The rest, however, just added fuel to the already raging fire of his anger. 

‘You can twist the truth all you like, Inquisitor. It doesn't make you correct. Far from it,' he snarled at her. 'Although it's something you are so fond of doing on a regular basis seeing how you somehow managed to end up as a Senior Enchanter so fast. How many heads and hearts did you crush on your rise to the top? Did you give a shit about anyone whilst you clawed your way there? No, I didn't think so. Save your wails about being accused of manipulation for someone who can't call you on your bullshit!' 

Cullen suddenly remembered her earlier words, images frantically assaulting him as he rubbed his face and eyes, trying to make it go away. 'Don’t you fucking dare tell me why I shouldn't despise magic! I was at the Circle in Ferelden, during the Blight, when Uldred and his blood mages saw fit to butcher their way through the tower!’ 

Leaena and his office disappeared, replaced by the memory of a shimmering cage, dead and mutilated bodies surrounding him, scream after scream assaulting his ears. ‘I was locked in a cage, tortured, for I don’t even know how long for. They tried to break my mind. Those demons, sifting through my thoughts, their blood magic, snaking fingers through my head, looking for every single weakness to use against me...’

His hands fell to his side as his gaze hardened on her, hammering each word home. He couldn’t stop the venom in his voice, as she became paler and paler. ‘I watched Templars - my friends! - die, their bodies mutilated beyond recognition. I was the last one left alive, to witness the suffering, the noises coming out of the Harrowing Chamber, abomination after abomination pouring forth from those doors.’  

The need for air, to escape this madness, overrode his need to not fall flat on his face. Somehow managing it, he walked towards a window, staring sightlessly out as he failed to erase the memories of that time.

‘A desire demon tried to enthrall me, time and time again, parading before me all that I could not have, punishing me when I refused to give in. It plagues my sleep to this day, stalking me in my nightmares. I watched what those mages did….what they became. I would gladly give my life to avoid seeing that again. So don’t ever presume to give me a lecture on whether I would face my demons, Inquisitor. Because I have, and I have lived to tell the tale!’ His voice whipped across the room, knowing each word would be wounding her soul further and further.

There was a long silence. Cullen was able to sense her shock, her horror at what she’d done to him, her anguish for what he had been through and her total fury that he hadn’t told her sooner.

He finally turned round to face Leaena. She hadn’t moved from her spot, her lips, pressed hard together, almost as white as her face.

‘Enlighten me then - if you can finally find it within yourself to actually be honest and up front with me for once. Why the lyrium?’ Anger had won out again, the only emotion she could summon to keep her still standing, to see this through to the end.

‘How many lives depend on our success? How many people under my command? Yes, I swore myself to this cause, which means I will not give anything less to the Inquisition than I gave to the Chantry. I am not what I should be without it!’ The hate within himself was close to boiling over once more.  

‘That is a moot point and you know it for the feeble excuse it is,’ Leaena replied dismissively. ‘You are nothing less than you were before you stopped. Give me a better reason.’

‘I should not be distracted, I cannot be distracted. The army needs my full attention. You, of all people, should be questioning my decision rather than blithely encouraging me, Inquisitor,’ he ground out.

‘Humour me.’ She was anything but entertained. ‘If 'distracted’ means what I think it means then so be it. After this conversation, I now know there is nothing I can do to prevent you from walking away from me, from us. If you do so then know this - there is no going back. This will be your decision, not mine.’

He stared at her, the blackness swamping him, leaving him speechless for the first time.

His body was shaking in pain, badly needing to lash out, to distract himself from the turmoil that was killing him inside. ‘You….that was not, I……fuck! These thoughts won’t leave me! You don’t understand! I should be taking it!’ He was shouting wildly as he mindlessly punched the wall as hard as he could in sheer frustration, unable to tell her what he wanted to, needed to.

The smell of blood from where he’d cut his fist on the sharp rocks bought him back to the present. It was as if the red mist and chaos in his mind had suddenly disappeared, leaving him barely able to stand. Cullen leaned against the wall, breathing heavily, his head resting against his raised arm. His anger had gone completely, leaving behind nothing but bewilderment as to how this had happened, with no idea what to say to her and no clue where to go next.

‘Did you drink it?’ Her voice was hard, devoid of emotion.

‘No,’ he said quietly, all his fight gone.

‘Do you still want to?’ Leaena was merciless in her probing, still not getting the answer she was waiting for.

‘I should be taking it,’ he said out loud to himself, trying to convince himself he was right, that it was necessary.   

‘Oh, fuck duty and obligation for just one moment in your life, Cullen, and think for yourself!’ She was yelling at him again, all her agony, fear and grief coming through in her words as she tried desperately to make him understand. ‘This is about you! The Inquisition is supposed to be your chance to start over – everyone’s chance to start over, not be bound for eternity to the corrupt institutions that controlled our lives!’

He couldn’t answer her, couldn’t move for the pain of the division, the permanent conflict within him.

‘So, answer me again,’ she demanded. Do you still want to take it?’

_To be chained forever? To be compelled to serve, rather than giving my loyalty and commitment freely? To not have the chance find my own purpose?_

_Can I put an end to the sacrifices I have made?_

’No.’ He whispered his reply to her, that one word echoing in the emptiness that was between them.

The room was finally quiet as they both silently looked at each other, too tired to continue their fight as exhaustion claimed them both.

Belatedly, he realised how hard she must have ridden to make it back to Skyhold in the time she had. He raised a hand to rub his eyes in a vain attempt to diminish his headache, detachedly noticing that his fingers were wet with his tears.

Leaena simply nodded in response, unable to speak further, before turning and walking out of the door, closing it firmly shut behind her.

He distantly heard her calling for her horse to be bought round, feeling her urgent need to put as much distance between whatever that hideous confrontation had been and herself. Shuddering tremors were now racking his body, rendering him incapable of doing anything else. Desperate to lie down, he somehow he made it up the ladder and curled up in bed, trying to breathe through the intense fire coursing in his veins.

Cullen realised that, during their whole argument, his lyrium had been happily winding round her magic in complete contrast to the increasingly hurtful words he’d hurled at her. It was now protesting as Leaena moved rapidly further and further away.

Then, unable to think of that anomaly or, for that matter, of anything else he fell straight into a deep and dreamless sleep.

\------

Lea ran down to the courtyard, only stopping to ask a guard to summon Varric, Bull and Dorain for departure in half an hour. Her staff was where she’d left it, by the door to the forge. As she strapped it on, she could just see Cassandra’s anxious face. Against her better judgement in the mood she was in, Lea went to put her mind at rest.

_How could I have done that? Why was I so angry?_

_I should have stopped it! Stopped myself!_

‘How is he?’ she asked.

‘He is resting, I believe. I prevented him from taking the lyrium just in time. I believe the Commander will reconsider his earlier words to you.’ Lea couldn’t believe she was still capable of some basic conversation.

‘That is a relief,’ Cassandra said, relaxing a little. ‘He has come so far. It would destroy him if he had taken it again.’

She looked at Lea closely again. ‘Are you alright, Inquisitor? You look very pale.’

‘Yes…no…I don’t know.’ Tears that she had held back were almost upon her. She needed to leave. ‘It was a…..difficult conversation. He....told me about Ferelden.’

_What in the fuck possessed me to bring up who he'd slept with?! I don't even give a damn about that!_

_I just wanted to hurt him the way he hurt me. When he was clearly not well. Mature, Lea, so mature of you. Idiot._

‘It is not common knowledge that he was stationed there when the Circle was overrun,’ Cassandra acknowledged quietly. ‘He is quite possibly in the middle of a withdrawal attack, Lea. He’s certainly not himself. Remember that.’

‘Every word he said was true,’ Lea said quietly, speaking almost to herself. ‘I – I need to leave now. I need some space. But before I go, I would like to see my brother. Varric, Dorian, Bull and I will leave for the Western Approach in a half-hour. There is no time to waste.’

‘You just arrived back, Lea, you all need to rest,’ Cassandra said, concern in her gaze once more, her silent message that Lea needed to speak to Cullen again left hanging between them. ‘And as for what that creature has done to the main hall…’

‘I will deal with her when I return, of that you can rest assured,’ Lea replied, too tired to even care about Vivienne and her games. ‘Leliana has something up her sleeve too I am sure, and I want to wait till we can sort her out properly. Trust me, if I do something now it will be detrimental to the Inquisition. We must watch her carefully though. I don’t think we should oust her from Skyhold yet.’

She sighed, uninterested in any of this conversation. ‘I am leaving things as they are now in terms of decoration. Let her stew in her own juices wondering why I haven’t retaliated. If the decor gets too awful to live with, just change it back.’

_No distractions, just as he said._

‘Anyway, we have to go now. Nathalie has sent word that she and Stroud are there. We must deal with Corypheus as fast as we can. I cannot wait around here trying to resolve my own life. I would have none anyway if this monster has his own way. I would have liked to take you too, Cassandra but….’ Lea’s voice broke for a second as she felt a tear slide down her cheek.

_I can’t breathe. I need to leave._

She looked helplessly at the Seeker, no options left open to her. ‘Please, look after him for me? You and Leliana? There are only the two of you I trust, for this, who would understand. Cadan is still in Denerim, Trystan leaves tomorrow too and I….I will feel better knowing there are people watching out for Cullen right now.’

Suddenly, the realisation dawned on her. ‘Leliana and Alistair…..they saw him? They freed him? With Freya?’ At Cassandra’s nod, she felt herself finally break.

Lea could tell Cullen had fallen asleep, the part that cared desperately for him relieved he was finally getting some rest.

_Don’t kid yourself, Lea._

_All of me cares! I will love him till the day I die, for all the good it will do me!_

‘Oh, Maker…what did I do?’ she whispered in horror. Without saying another word, Lea turned and left the forge, walking quickly to where she knew Trystan was. She couldn’t leave without wishing her brother a safe trip, much though she wanted to hide.

She could feel, for some inexplicable reason, how contented her magic was to be near him, yet still hearing in her head the bitter words they had abused each other with during that completely vile fight, the emotions it had generated almost making her sick with the intensity of their shared anger.

She found Trystan by the barracks. With one look at her face he know how much distress she was in.

‘Lea, what is wrong?’ he asked her, worry filling his voice.

_I can’t tell you. For the first time in my life._

_He hates me._

She didn’t respond straight away, looking out across the training ground, filled with soldiers on drill or arms practice, how organised it was, how large their numbers were. A testament to all Cullen’s hard work. And this was but a fraction of his efforts on display right now.

‘What is lyrium withdrawal really like, Trystan?’ she asked quietly.

_I should have asked this question a long time ago. And to a different man._

He studied her for a moment, unsure of how to respond to her blunt question, before deciding to answer her. ‘It’s hideous. Physical side effects, mental side effects. Your blood is on fire, your body shakes uncontrollably and you have blinding headaches. Your mind is not your own. Paranoid delusions, obsessive thoughts, anxiety attacks, sometimes memory loss. You have permanent cravings that eat you from the inside, leaving you thirsting for more. The first couple of months are the worst, but it can come and go for quite some time. We don’t really know how long it takes to recover.’

‘And it can kill you? Is that true?’ she whispered, looking at him in fear.

‘In extreme cases. But that’s not definite, Lea. What has bought all this on?’ He was getting more and more concerned for her.

Lea gave him a big hug, wishing Trystan could come with her. But she had relied on him for far too long, had relied on others too much. He now had the chance for something different and she would not stand in the way.

She stepped back. ‘I came to say goodbye. I just…I….I have made such a mess of things. I have been so blind. So selfish. It is not his fault.’ Lea couldn’t hide from Trystan her complete devastation. ‘But there is nothing I can do. I cannot stay now. I leave in only a few minutes for the Western Approach. I will miss you, brother. Andraste guide your travels. Hurry back to us.’

Not giving him a chance to reply, she ran off towards the courtyard once more, frantic now to leave Skyhold as soon as she could. Her bags were still packed from her return and she could simply stock up on the way if she needed to. Everything she had been hoping for, everything she had been looking forward to sharing with Cullen had been dashed.

_There is no point in my staying a moment longer than I need to._

‘What’s the deal, Frosty? Why are we off now?’ Varric and the others looked at her with some anxiety, wanting to be sure she was well.

‘Nathalie and Stroud await. There is no time to waste, unless we want Corypheus to raise this dread army he promised Dorian and I in the future. Are we all ready? Good. Let’s get a move on. The Western Approach is a long way away.’ Not waiting for an answer, she mounted her horse, crossing the bridge out of Skyhold.

Some small part of her magic, in among its complaints at being separated from his lyrium so quickly, registered that Cullen was fast asleep still, having a better rest than he probably had done in weeks.

_All the more reason to get out of here before he wakes._

As she kicked her horse to a gallop immediately upon reaching the road, she set a hard pace, needing to not feel him inside her any more. She was desperate to run away from their connection, frantic to escape the crippling devastation she’d felt the moment Cullen had said those words as he’d walked out on her in the forge.

He could have told her himself about the Hero of Ferelden. And Lea didn't even know if anything had happened - Freya had only ever hinted at it. It was irrelevant, but she'd come up with the genius idea to use against him.

Who he had or hadn't been with in the past was unimportant to her. It just would have been nice if he'd told her about Freya but Lea had not wanted to pry.

_How else do I bring it up?_

_Who have you slept with? Let's compare lists? I_ _t's just not something you do!_

And now, in the bitchiest way she could have found, she had used it against him in what had to have been the most hurtful, awful argument she'd ever had in her life. 

His harsh, but true, words were replaying over and over in her mind as they rode deep into the night. Lea couldn't make them stop.

_I should have listened, I should have asked, I should have been there for him. I was so selfish, caught up in my own problems, to even think of what he might have gone through._

_I should have guessed about Ferelden! I am a complete fool! I froze him?? After he’d been through that? And held him in it? No wonder he was so angry!_

Yes he should have told her about Uldred. But, as she knew all too well, torture wasn't not something one just blurted out in conversation. What she had been through paled in comparison to his suffering.

She had been riding on her own as night darkened, ahead of the others to have some space. Suddenly, remembering what he hadn't said, she almost fell of her saddle.

_Cullen never said he wanted to be with me still. He never denied wanting to end it._

Lea was gasping for air and weeping silent tears of anguish as bolts of pain hammered repeatedly through her already fragile heart, finally shattering it to pieces.


	61. The Edge of Reason

He’d left reading her message till last, as usual. Her flowing script met his eyes again as he scanned her note, his headache getting worse as her words slowly sunk in.

_Commander,_

_Bring me our armies. The time has arrived to destroy Corypheus’ demons at Adamant Fortress._

_Ensure, this time, there are no mistakes. My patience wears thin._

_Inquisitor Trevelyan_

Lightning fast, his dagger hurtled through the air as he growled, landing hard in the centre of the training dummy on the opposite side of the room. 

‘You truly are a cold-hearted bitch, aren’t you, Inquisitor.’ His voice vibrated with rage whilst his eyes had darkened to a deep amber. He stared across from him, looking at the dagger sat alongside all the others he’d thrown furiously in quick succession after reading her latest letter.

Pacing the room, he read it through for the last time, crumpling it in his fist in anger. Tossing the ruined missive to one side, he retrieved his dagger and strode towards the barracks, shouting for his officers as he prepared to take the Inquisition to war against Orlais’ Grey Wardens.

\------           

She sat down on a table a few feet away in the shade, reading everything but his letter. Deliberately leaving it till last, she drank steadily from the bottle in front of her for a second before picking up one of her daggers she’d been sharpening to slide under his seal and read what was within.

Her dagger suddenly was implanted in a wineskin across from her, ripping through the delicate leather as red wine the colour of blood poured down the wall and onto the floor. Silently, she watched it flow as it congealed in a puddle, mixing with the grime and dust of the desert.

She then stood, walking slowly to the other side of the room. Throwing down the note face up, the table shook with the force she used to skewer the parchment right through its middle as her other dagger slammed into the wood.

_Inquisitor,_

_Your armies march on Adamant Fortress as requested. I understand the Grey Warden mages have behaved true to form as they are now abominations. Our only hope is that some of the warriors will turn away as they are immune from such a disastrous influence._

_There is a strong chance you, and other mages, may succumb to possession, the Veil being so thin there. You should ensure there are enough Templars to guard you against such a significant threat. Your control, even at the best of times, is not what it could be._

_Commander Cullen_

The words, bold, black, written in his firm hand stared back up at her.

‘You are a fucking patronising bastard, Commander.’ Her eyes were ice cold, devoid of warmth as she looked back up. Gathering up her other dagger and wiping it clean, she then turned on her heel and stalked away as she went to prepare herself for the upcoming battle.

\------

Varric watched Lea take her messages from the guard, catching sight of the Commander’s familiar seal on top of one of them. He hoped against hope that it might contain something other than the goading Cullen had seemed to deem fit to send her these last few weeks. Lea hadn't shown any of her letters to the group thus far, but her reaction every time she read one was exactly the same. Furious.

He turned back to his cards, knowing that, whatever the contents were, they’d know about it soon. It only took a few seconds before he nearly spat out his drink in shock as he saw a dagger sticking out of a wineskin. A few moments later another one was vibrating right next to his hand, a note attached to the end. Lea swore in a rage before turning to leave.

‘Shit, Frosty! What bought that on?’ Varric, Nathalie, Bull and Dorian looked across at her in alarm and then back at the dagger, still quivering in the table before looking at the now red wall.

‘Our armies are on their way. I’ve ordered huge amounts of blood to soon be spilled. In my name. More lives lost to madness. How wonderful.’ She took a large mouthful of her drink, her eyes the colour of coldest ice.

She said nothing for a moment as she watched the red of the wine on the wall, still slowly dripping from the ruined wineskin. ‘And here I am, bemoaning the loss of something that was clearly never mine to begin with,’ she finished bitterly as her eyes fell on the note once more before turning to head outside.

‘Bull!’ Lea demanded as she left. ‘Training ground. Now!’ Pausing as a thought occurred to her, she looked at Varric. ‘And you can scribe an appropriate response in my name. Because I am done wasting my fucking time on that wanker!’

They looked at each other helplessly as they saw the latest letter from their Commander, the reason for her terrible mood clearly apparent. It was the first one she'd allowed them to read.

‘It’s ok. I’ll let the Boss thump me for a while till she gets tired. Then we’ll get her even more drunk than she is right now and put her to bed. No nightmares that way. And she might even talk to us for once and tell us what the fuck happened,’ Bull rumbled as he left to join her.

All five of them had been drinking all day at the keep, there being nothing to do but sit and wait for everyone to arrive. The result, Varric belatedly realised, was four rather drunk companions and a completely inebriated Inquisitor who randomly wanted to hurl daggers around to express her continued anger at their Commander. She’d probably throw them at him if she had her way.

_At least it’s not her magic she’s firing off._

_Although its’s debatable what would be less messy if she misses. But, even in this state, she never does._

‘Cullen really doesn’t have a way with words does he,’ Dorian murmured in slight disbelief. ‘What’s all this rubbish about demonic possession? One mention of having Lea guarded by a Templar is going to send her temper through the roof. Not to mention mine. Did he seriously write this?’

‘It’s like he’s spouting that crap he used to in Kirkwall. I’m very surprised. I thought he’d moved on from this?’ Nathalie was looking at the note with a frown.

‘I thought so too. She is as bad as he is. Although telling her mages can’t control themselves is a really unwise move on his part. I’m so over whatever bullshit has happened between those two. He’d better fix it when he gets here. What the fuck is wrong with them?’ Varric looked back at the note again. ‘It’s his seal and his writing. This is very strange. I cannot imagine him saying these things.’

_You’ve done it this time, Curly._

_How are you going to redeem yourself from this? If you even want to, that is?_

‘I have no idea. Lea has still said nothing.’ Dorian’s voice lowered slightly. ‘I did, however, just hear that they had a monumental fight before we left Skyhold which is why we were riding out almost as soon as she had arrived back. Lea couldn’t stand to be around.’

‘That was not a fun journey. She barely said two words and this whole mission she’s been intent on killing everything in sight,’ Varric winced at the memory of one particular encounter.

‘Yes, the dragon was fun wasn’t it? But we got there in the end!’ Dorian said cheerfully. ‘Singed is not a look I want to go for in the future, however. Bull enjoyed himself at least and I finally got the tooth I needed.’

Both Varric and Nathalie smiled at the happiness in Dorian’s voice. The Tevinter deserved it.

‘He did, but she’s being reckless again, pushing herself too far. With her own life anyway. The amount of risks she took with that dragon were ridiculous. And you can’t tell her,’ Varric said with concern.

‘Nor can we get involved.’ Nathalie said firmly. ‘We can only watch out for her. And,' she said, her purple eyes sparkling, 'get her more drunk so we can find out what happened and try to resolve it that way.’

'I'm wondering if she's found out something that had set her off that he hadn’t told her. Curly’s good at not sharing when he should,' Varric mused.

‘For all the chatting they do through that connection of theirs it is remarkable how they don’t actually seem to know that much about each other at all,’ Dorian observed mildly before making a look of disgust as he took a drink. ‘Maker’s Breath, what I wouldn’t give for some decent wine.’

‘He’s trying to protect her. From what I have no clue. She’s hardly some useless, fluttering girl. It’s typical of him,’ Nathalie said dismissively as she tied her long black hair back in a bun.

‘You are right. In trying to stop terrible things happening to her, he’s making it even worse.’ Dorian agreed.

_It’s because they are so in love._

_It means they can hurt each other more. There’s really no limit to the amount of pain you can cause someone if you want to._

‘The sheer intensity of their emotions just means they leave themselves wide open when it does go wrong. And sometimes there’s no going back,’ he said softly to himself. He looked up after a moment to see Nathalie’s eyes, knowing he wasn’t just referring to Lea and Cullen.

The letter was burning a hole in his pocket ever since he’d received it earlier that day. He still couldn’t bring himself to read it. It would be the worst combination of pleasure and anguish he could imagine and he wasn't ready to go there.

Varric sighed, pulling Lea’s dagger out of the table and laying it and the note to one side. ‘I am so over this bloody desert,’ he grumbled, shaking off his sudden sadness. ‘Anything to get back to civilisation. I just want to knock that fortress down and get out of here.’

‘You aren’t the only one. No Venatori, no demon army, no crazy Magisters making me cringe at being the token Tevinter with the Inquisition's Inner Circle. Still, at least it’s warm,’ Dorian quipped. ‘Shall we continue with our game?’

They continued to play for some time, finally seeing Bull and Lea return an hour or so later, hot, sweaty and tired. Lea had stripped down to just a pair of trousers and sleeveless top. ‘I need warm weather training gear.’ She reached straight for the bottle of wine she’d had earlier, not bothering with the glass.

_She’s also had a lot more alcohol than normal._

_And where did her whiskey and toffee go? She hasn’t touched the stuff on this trip._

‘I may be able to help on the training armour,’ Nathalie said, with a look in her eye that Varric knew meant trouble. Just for who he wasn’t sure.

‘I got so hot in the leather. I’m too used to being up a mountain,’ Lea chuckled. ‘Something more practical would be fantastic, thank you.’

 She took a seat opposite Varric. ‘What are we doing?’

‘Drinking,’ Bull replied, sliding across to her something Varric knew would melt her throat.

‘Fuck it, Bull!’ she choked, the liquor burning her and making her cough. ‘I’m not doing this on my own. You all have to join in.’

The afternoon deteriorated into drinking games with Bull’s liquid fire. Little did Lea realise it was so they could try and keep her distracted from whatever had upset her so much, or to try and get her to talk about it.

Her nightmares had woken them all up several times on the trip and Varric knew she was resisting sleep as a result. Fortunately there had only been the one red lyrium node they’d come across, which they'd destroyed efficiently and quickly. The problem was clearly something else in the shape of a tall, blonde, very stubborn ex-Templar.

‘Urgh,’ Lea said, her voice a bit slurred as she put her head on the table, ‘please tell me we have some of Solas’ potions left? Tomorrow is going to kill me otherwise.’

‘We have enough, so long as you told him to bring some more,’ Varric replied, laughing at her groan of relief as she nodded her head to confirm more cure was on the way.

‘When is everyone due, Boss?’ Bull tossed back another shot before relaxing back, putting his arm around Dorian’s shoulders. ‘There’s some heads I need to crunch. That dragon fight was a teaser.’

‘Nice dragon tooth both of you, by the way’ Nathalie said with a smile. ‘Don’t wear it round Kirkwall too obviously if you ever visit. The nobles are too stupid to not realise that it isn’t the latest fashion accessory.’

They both beamed at her before everyone looked at Lea, who had become subdued. ‘Not long. The Inquisition leadership could be here in as fast as two days, depending on how quickly they manage to cross Orlais. Our scouts aren’t far behind that. I expect the main bulk of our forces within two weeks.’

She stood abruptly, the dagger Varric had left on the table in her hand. Her eyes had gone cold again as she gripped the handle tightly, her magic pulled close towards her.

‘Frosty, not in here. The merchants will all run away,’ Varric tried to remind her where she was.

‘Fine,’ she snapped. ‘I’m going to the targets for a bit.’ Her face softened slightly as she looked at Dorian and Bull. ‘I’m glad you both have found a path together through this insanity we are living through. It almost gives me hope.’

She walked off on her own as the other three looked at Varric. ‘Go. Talk.’ Nathalie nudged him hard.

He followed her down to the targets, seeing her standing there tossing one of her blades in her hand as she stared at the dummy.

‘Cadan always says it’s easier to think with a dagger in his hand. I never realised what he meant until now.’ Lea’s gaze was ice as she flung it hard at the target, reaching down to her boot to pull the other one out in one smooth motion before it landed right next to the first. She reached for the training daggers next to her, letting each one fly at a blurring speed before she was done.

Varric was astonished. He’d never seen this side to her abilities before. To do what she did, particularly given how drunk he knew she was, took considerable skill. 

‘That night in Haven when you lost….you faked it?’ he said in surprise.

‘Of course. There was someone else I wanted to spend that particular evening with and throwing pieces of metal around wasn’t on my agenda. More fool me as it turns out.’ Her voice was vicious as she went and yanked them all out of the target before lining herself up again. ‘When my family do something we do it better than anyone else. Cadan trained me. He only lost to Josephine back then because he’s in love with her.’

At the same speed, the daggers flew again, each throw deadly in its accuracy. Lea suddenly paused on her last throw, a look of pure agony crossing her features, quickly replaced by rage as her last blade hammered the target.

‘He didn’t……’ she said to herself in shock before going to collect her blades, preparing to repeat the exercise again.

‘What?’ Varric didn’t know if it was the drink or his being tired or the letter he refused to read, but he was confused. Lea’s anger was palatable as she set herself up again.

‘Let’s just say, Varric, that certain people do not play fair even when you thought they would. How it has only taken me till now to realise this I don’t know. I am not a fucking porcelain doll!’ She was shouting as she yet again threw her daggers with as much force as she could muster, the target shaking in response to each hit.

‘Is there nothing to go out and kill? No darkspawn? No more dragons? This is not cutting it for me right now,’ she complained.

‘We destroyed it all. Unless you want to go assault Adamant on your own you’re shit out of luck tonight.’ Varric was getting worried about her in a way he hadn’t been before. In the past she used to have the security of Cullen and his love for her that used to take her through even the most extreme circumstances. Now she had nothing and she was harder than he’d ever seen her.

‘Why daggers?’ he asked, desperately wanting to distract her from whatever it was that was going on in her head.

‘I’m no rogue but I can take care of myself if I need to should my magic be cut off. It’s a mistake to rely solely on the ability to cast or just your staff. Any mage that does so is an idiot. Nathalie doesn’t either - that’s why she has that bow of Sebastian's. She matches you and Sera for her abiltiy, doesn't she? But most of us use daggers alongside our staffs. They are easier to carry and hide. You’d be amazed at the amount of idiots there are though.’ She looked across at him then with a wry smile. ‘Actually you, of all people, wouldn’t be amazed.’

Varric chuckled. ‘No, I wouldn’t.’ He looked at her then, his anxiety for her written in his face. ‘What happened to the two of you, Lea? You need to talk about it.’

Her face showed how tired and worried she was, pale underneath her deep tan, dark shadows under her eyes. She didn’t say anything, just picking up the daggers and starting the whole exercise again, slowly this time.

‘There’s only so much I can talk about, Varric. Some of it is not mine to share.’ Her voice was quiet, sad as she forced herself to speak. ‘I stopped Cullen from taking lyrium again. He was literally just about to drink it. The fucking horrible stuff was halfway tipped out, about to hit his mouth. My heart stopped. I panicked. I froze him and shattered the philter and the lyrium to destroy it. It was all I could think of doing. I then stood there and shouted at him for several minutes in my anger that he could do that to himself before releasing him. Let’s just say he was not best pleased.’

She had stopped, just throwing her dagger up and down again in a rhythmic pattern as she looked up at the clear night sky. ‘I forget how quickly the dark descends in the desert,’ she sad absently before continuing. ‘He was in the grip of lyrium withdrawal, possibly something else as well. And all I did was abuse him. He’d said some things that made it too hurtful for me to stay. I, of course, returned the favour. The fault on that day is all mine. That’s why we left to come play in this sandbox. Perhaps if I had not run, things would be different. But I couldn’t stand to feel any more….I…. I needed to be away from him.’

Lea then turned back to Varric, her eyes hard and ice cold once more. ‘It doesn’t excuse what Cullen did afterwards though. I am finished with it, with him. We destroy Corypheus and then we can all go home. I can leave all this Inquisitor and Herald bullshit behind me.’

‘What did he do? We’ve been out here.’ Varric was trying very hard to understand how two people who were so in tune with each other had managed to get it so wrong.

_It happens._

_And don’t I know it._

‘It doesn’t matter. The damage is done. I told Cullen before I left that if he chose this path there would be no going back and I mean it. I have a job to do and I will see it done. There will be no further distractions.’ Lea’s voice was uncompromising and emotionless as she sheathed her daggers and walked off towards her quarters, her whole body stiff with the tears he knew she was trying to fight.

_Curly, what have you done to her?_

Varric stood in the pitch black of the night, thinking furiously about her behaviour since they had been in this accursed place. She had been sad, resigned at first but there was the odd glimmer of hope. She’d spent a long time with her parchment and quill those first few days. Then, a couple of weeks in, the sadness had turned into anger and she’d spent no time at all writing her messages. She hadn’t let go of the fury ever since. It escalated each time she received another message from him.

Something was very wrong. He couldn’t put his finger on it right now but he would. 

To distract himself, knowing it would come to him, he walked towards a brazier and reached into his pocket, turning the letter round and round in his hands. He traced the seal, able to know which House it was just by the feel of the ridges on his fingers. Breaking it slowly open, he allowed himself the luxury of enjoying her words, taking his time to read one of her rare, very brief messages.

_This fucking demon army!_

Varric cursed Corypheus roundly for holding him here in this wasteland all the while whilst Bianca was making her way to Skyhold to see him. They so rarely had time together that any was precious. It would take too long for a crow to reach her, tell her to wait. The permanent pain he carried in his heart had just spiked at the bittersweet knowledge she would be waiting for him when he got back. He walked back to the others, in need of a drink, wanting to feel numb for a few hours.

_Crows….letters….._

The problem was working through his mind as he reached the others and joined in the conversation. The solution would come to him. He thought on what he’d asked Sera to search for whilst they were away, confident they would know something soon. Seeing the discarded note from Cullen still on the table, he put it in his pocket just in case someone needed it. He then focused on the futile attempt of trying to forget Bianca for a few hours. 

Varric had learned to be patient. He had no choice.

\-------

Cassandra watched with frustration as Cullen walked away from the group. He had spent every night sat slightly apart, working for a while before going for a walk. He had wanted to ride with the vanguard of the Inquisition’s forces, but Lea’s instructions had been clear – all the leadership she wanted for the attack on Adamant Fortress had to arrive in advance. He’d instead spent the first two days with the army, arguing that he needed to be there to make sure they were underway smoothly and caught up with them afterwards. No one needed to tell him that, should she find out he’d ridden across Orlais for three days on his own, Lea would be incandescent with rage.

Not that he seemed to care. The Inquisitor might have saved him from taking lyrium again, but Cassandra was unsure as to the cost of her actions. Her departure, the way she had left, had hurt Cullen deeply. He did not speak of it, but his complete withdrawal over the last six weeks the two of them had been apart was noticeable. And it was getting worse.

_And people say I’m stubborn._

_This is getting ridiculous._

Every night since they had been travelling Cullen had waited till the others had gone to sleep. He had stayed awake for hours afterwards, only taking himself off to sleep at a distance from the main camp so no one would witness his nightmares. Cassandra only knew about this because Trystan had told her, having cornered him one night to ask where he was going.

She couldn’t help but smile as she looked across at the dark-haired Templar sat opposite her talking to his brother. To have his company on this arduous trek across Orlais, not to mention his presence for the upcoming battle, was a blessing she had not expected. They had not had a chance to talk properly but just him being there was enough to make her feel better. They had written regularly over the last few weeks, sharing their favourite literary works as well as finding out more about each other. 

Trystan and Cadan had both returned the night before Lea’s instructions to depart had arrived, both of them insistent on joining. Lea might be one of the most powerful people in Thedas by this point, but she was incapable of stopping her two overprotective brothers from being by her side in one of the biggest clashes the Inquisition had faced to date.

It had, of course, caused problems. Trystan at least was aware of why Cullen had behaved the way he’d done that awful day and was inclined to being more forgiving. Cadan, on the other hand, was exactly like Lea in temper and not at all prepared to tolerate any hurt to his twin that Cullen had caused. The two friends were currently not speaking to each other after a short, but heated exchange of words when Cullen had first returned to join them in their trek across Orlais.

Quite how Cadan knew Lea was upset was a mystery. But twins had a special connection, Cassandra had heard. And that Cullen was clearly not himself was apparent.

_Why can men not just hit something and then get on with it?_

The other huge complication was Blackwall, sat by the camp fire quietly talking to Solas. The warrior had done nothing untoward – aside from lie about who he was, of course - but, no matter how hard he was trying to hide it, Cullen was not at all happy about him being there. In fact, when he’d caught up with them and realised that Lea had requested his presence at the keep Cassandra had to stop him from riding back to be with his troops, so strong was his hatred of the man and his anger at the Inquisitor bringing him to the attack.

At that point, Trystan looked up at her with a devastating smile, gesturing for her to walk with him as Cadan wished them all a good night. She readily agreed, the atmosphere too thick in their camp.

_And I want to spend time with him while I can._

The knowledge that she was a candidate for Divine had weighed heavily on her conscience. But she found she couldn’t stay away. Cassandra realised she was falling in love the moment she'd seen him standing in the courtyard, ready to depart with Lea's Inner Circle. Any pleasure the Maker saw fit to give her prior to becoming Divine - if she was chosen - she intended to make the most of. 

‘It is hard work tonight,’ she said with a grimace. ‘A walk is a good idea.’

They followed the path away from the camp, the arid landscape showing how close they were to the start of the Western Approach. A deep gorge was all that separated them, which they would navigate the next day.

It was dark with only the moon and stars offering any sort of light as they walked silently side by side.

‘I was hoping to have spent a bit more time with you on this trip, but events seem to have conspired otherwise,’ Trystan said softly, looking across at her. ‘I enjoyed our exchange of letters whilst I was in Ostwick, however. You have an even wider knowledge of those particular sonnets than I do. I was at a loss as to how to reply by the end.’

She laughed even as she blushed. ‘I know what people see. I am a warrior. I am blunt and difficult and self-righteous. But there is a heart underneath all of that, believe it or not. And there’s not much to do sometimes but read, a chance to escape reality that poetry brings.’

‘I have never doubted it,’ he replied gently. ‘You do yourself a disservice, Cassandra.’

Just as she was about to reply, thankful for the dark hiding her increasingly red face, she saw Cullen standing a way ahead of them, looking out over the gorge. His posture was rigid, unyielding as he stood with his arms crossed. Cassandra thought she had never seen anyone as unhappy as he was at that point, unsure as to what to do next.

_Well that decides it._

_He does need to talk._

Trystan had already started to walk towards him, Cassandra joining him as she saw the resignation in Cullen’s face at not being able to escape a conversation.

‘I’m not going to waste time telling you what a lovely night it is,’ Trystan said as he reached him.

‘Please don’t,’ Cullen replied shortly, rubbing his forehead in a way that showed he was fighting yet another headache.

‘I am, however, going to ask you what happened. I let you off the morning I departed. Not anymore.’ Trystan had no intention of letting Cullen stand in silence. ‘I understand what you are going through in a way Cadan cannot. All that said, I expect an answer. You are my friend and she is my sister. I would not see either of you suffer.’

Cullen stood, not moving, his expression harsh and forbidding as he started to finally talk. ‘I was in the grip of withdrawal. I was convinced that I could not do this, be Commander and not take lyrium. Leaena found me just as I was about to drink some. She froze me, shattered all evidence of it so I couldn’t be tempted again, berated me for several minutes and then released me.’

He did not relax his stance as he continued the tale from that day. ‘We both said things that should not have been said. There was too much anger, too much of that fucking paranoia. I told her about Kinloch Hold in the worst way possible. She managed to get me to realise taking lyrium was the wrong course of action. She left thinking I wanted to end things between us. Everything that happened was all my fault. I woke up the next morning, wanting to make it right, but she was gone.’

A look of rage crossed his face before he suppressed it, not quickly enough, however, for both of them to spot it. ‘Everything after that though, I cannot be held responsible for. The Inquisitor has made her feelings perfectly clear. And, to that end, I will serve our armies and the Inquisition to the best of my abilities until we defeat this darkspawn magister. After that, I will gladly resign my post to build my life elsewhere.’

Cassandra could not hide her astonishment, at his last statement. Nor could Trystan.

‘What do you mean, she’s made her feelings perfectly clear?’ Cassandra demanded. ‘You do realise she begged me and Leliana to watch out for you because she couldn’t just before she left? And the only reason she left is because she thought she hurt you too much? It hardly sounds like the action of a woman who wants you to go.’

For just a second a flicker of hope shot across Cullen’s face before it was ruthlessly shut down. ‘It doesn’t matter. My decision is made. The army has my full attention until the time I can step down.’

Cassandra stared at this stranger in front of her in horror. ‘What did Lea say to make this happen, Cullen?’

‘I would rather not speak of it,’ he replied irritably. ‘My personal affairs are my own.’

‘What is your decision on lyrium now, Cullen?’ Trystan asked, equally shocked at Cullen’s dismissive reaction.

‘I will not take it. That part of my life is over. I am grateful to the Inquisitor for assisting me in that regard, but anything else we communicate about now is now purely in the interest of ending the threat of Corypheus.’

He unconsciously twisted the ring with his seal, sitting loosely on his finger as he looked out across the gorge again. ‘I am tired. If you will excuse me, I will attempt to get some rest.’

Without looking at them, he walked down the path, leaving them both behind in stunned silence.

‘What the fuck was that?’ Trystan swore quietly, visibly upset. ‘I have no idea who that person was!’

‘And what is Lea supposed to have done?’ Cassandra asked in confusion. ‘Does he not realise she would never hurt him? How dense can he be?’

She made a gesture of frustration as she turned round, seeing a scrap of paper on the floor. Bending down, she picked it up, seeing it had the Inquisitor’s seal on. Curious, she opened it up again, gasping at the harsh words within.

_Commander,_

_You will ensure you travel with the Inquisition leadership forces. Need I remind you of the consequences should you refuse? If you wish to continue leading these armies you will stay focussed. There is no room for distraction. Our soldiers deserve you at your best. You have been far from that of late._

_Inquisitor Trevelyan_

‘What’s that?’ Trystan said, reading it rapidly. ‘This is bollocks. Lea would never write anything like it.’

‘It has her seal. Is that not her writing? It looks it,’ Cassandra said, examining the letter closely. ‘But you are right, she wouldn't. Something is very wrong.’

‘What happened after Lea left? What was Cullen like?’ Trystan was still frowning at the letter they had found.

‘Quiet. In a bit of shock that she had gone. I saw him give a hefty letter to send to her. Then when she wrote back he was so pleased to hear from her he couldn’t hide it. And then, after that, he completely changed. He was so angry. It was difficult to see, thinking about it. I have not seen him that way before.’ Cassandra never wanted to see him like that again. He looked ready to kill.

‘We need to speak to Cadan and Leliana about this, just in case. I have no idea what we can do otherwise. Everyone must forge their own path. What has gotten into Lea, to send something so unpleasant?’ Trystan’s voice was sad as he considered how much pain both Lea and Cullen were in.

‘Ay me! for aught that I could ever read, could ever hear by tale or history,’ Cassandra whispered to herself.

‘The course of true love never did run smooth; But either it was different in blood -’ Trystan finished for her, much to her surprise.

‘O cross! too high to be enthrall'd to low.’ She looked at him with a smile as they walked back. ‘I did not realise you knew that play.’

‘I do. It is a favourite. I have no intention of going the same route as Lysandar, however, nor to see you cast as Hermia. There is no obstacle that is insurmountable. I missed you, Cassandra,’ he said as he looked at her with an expression in her eyes that made her foolish romantic heart stutter, butterflies appearing in her stomach.

‘I missed you too,’ she replied, almost not realising the soft voice that had spoken was hers.

‘There is so much for us to talk about. I –‘ he stopped suddenly, unsure of himself for the first time since Cassandra had met him. ‘I talk about obstacles yet I know you are a candidate to be Divine. I would understand if you wanted to –‘

She looked back at him then, his dark hair falling over his eyes, the deep blue eyes looking at her intently, filled with promise yet uncertain of her desires. Cassandra knew there was only one answer she could give as she reached to kiss him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The play is Shakespeare's 'A Midsummer Night's Dream,' written between 1590 and 1597.


	62. Reunion

'There, that should fit now.’ Nathalie finished adjusting the top with her needle as she assessed her handiwork.

Lea smiled happily at the results. ‘This is perfect. You’re a star Nathalie, thank you so much.’

She smiled back, pleased that Lea liked the results. ‘The Fadetouched cloth has extra resistance added. Take a look.’

Lea turned to the mirror, immediately liking what she saw. It was very simple, a sleeveless v-neck top and shorts that were just the right side of decent, perfect for training in this weather. She bent down to do up her boots, buckled up to her knees. Flexing her fingers in her new fingerless leather gloves, she finally adjusted the potions on the wide leather belt sitting low on her hips.

‘The one bonus of being in a desert. I can wear what the fuck I want. And right now I am in the mood for lots of black and not an awful lot of material. You are skilled with your needle.’ Lea turned and gave Nathalie a hug. ‘Thank you for the loan. Do you want to go practice now?’

‘Years of making my own clothes when I was in Lowtown has finally come to fruition. Let me go and change. I’ll meet you here in five minutes,’ Nathalie promised as she dashed off to her room, the door slamming shut behind her.

Lea continued to braid her hair slowly in the Orlesian style, pulling it tightly so it wouldn’t escape. Training was a vain attempt to not focus on the coming day. The Inquisition team would be here soon. They were expected at any hour – indeed, Lea had thought they would arrive yesterday.

Cullen included.

At the mere thought of him she pulled her hair even tighter, making her wince.

There had been no more letters, thank the Maker. The last one she’d received had been surprisingly late as well, given how near Leliana had told her they were. Leliana had also mentioned having something wrong with her crows so that must have caused the delay.

She was close to telling him to bugger off back to Skyhold the moment he got here. Her more rational side told her to not be so foolhardy. Cullen was still the best person to lead their forces. Her heart, however, could not reach agreement on anything at all.

Even though she’d saved his life, catching him a split second before the lyrium had disappeared down his throat, she’d felt guilty. She’d spent ages writing a long letter apologising, begging him for forgiveness.

He’d written back, twisting every single thing she’d written and used it against her, unrelenting in his scathing contempt. She’d tried, time and time again, to fix the damage, only for the vitriol to escalate, to the point where she’d dreaded receiving anything at all.

_I don’t care. He can fuck off._

Her hair done, she looked through her make up, kohl, rouge and a darker blue eyeshadow gave her the effect she wanted. The only form of self-protection she had left was looking at her very best.

_I need to make the most of it, before he strips me of that too._

Lea stared critically in the mirror at herself. She was tanned from weeks in the desert, her blonde hair almost white in contrast. She was physically in the best condition she had ever been in, her arms and legs toned and defined, through weeks of combat and further training with Bull. Fortunately the signs indicating a lack of sleep and too much alcohol weren’t in evidence.

Giving herself a nod, she decided she was pleased. And, inevitably her mind turned to Cullen once more.

She knew she was being childish in wanting to lash out at him, to hurt him in any way she could.

But the hideousness of Cullen’s response to her heartfelt letters had left her in a place she never dreamed he’d put her in. Once Lea had known everyone else was sleeping, she had spent every night crying, well away from the camp and heedless of her own safety – she had no longer cared. She’d sobbed her heart out at the sheer torture of having lost him, just as she had feared, shaking uncontrollably, pain like she hadn’t realised was possible tearing at her heart and soul.

The room darkened around her momentarily as she remembered, against every fibre of her being, what happened when she slept. Her nightmares had been filled with a red lyrium-powered Cullen, raping and abusing her repeatedly before leaving her broken body to rot in a cell underneath Redcliffe Castle.

He’d come and see her, his voice resonating with the metallic taint, his eyes glowing red, to describe with unholy pleasure, how Thedas was falling to the Elder One, mage after mage being systematically eliminated, murdered for their resistance or absorbed into Corypehus’ demon army to be forever terrorised by the Red Templars. He and Samson both delighted in coming to mock her with each and every one of her failures, before taking their turns in raping her again.

Every time, after Cullen was done using her, he’d kiss her deeply before he left, reminding of the days before the madness started. To her eternal shame, she couldn’t help but kiss him back – frantic to try and recapture what they had once had. Every time he’d slap her face hard in punishment for daring to want the impossible.

It was always at that point her screaming started. Which everyone had overheard, much to her dismay.

Lea had simply stopped sleeping for a while, finding snatches during the day where she would nap. Once they took the keep it was easier for her to put barriers up so no one would disturb her as she kept the room quiet. But the same visions never ceased to plague her.

But now she was done crying. She was done hiding, feeling sorry for herself, letting him control her. All she wanted was vengeance and a chance to claim back some semblance of a life.

She would not accept the level of hatred he’d thrown at her. And if he couldn’t find it within himself to actually behave like a normal human being then she was not going to be a slave to his abuse.

The small voice nagging at her about just how out of character his behaviour was did not help improve her ill humour.

His letters had been filled with criticism of her every decision, undermining her confidence and making her question even her most basic knowledge. She now wondered whether the love he’d had for her had even existed. He had managed to somehow revive the ancient, ridiculous argument of mages and Templars, using every incendiary expression and disparaging comparison to insult all that she believed in.

 

Lea had never thought it was an issue. But apparently it was. Just as she’d derided him when they’d been in his office, it was as if the Knight-Captain had returned, making no secret of his hatred of mages and everything that Lea was.

She felt her anger rise suddenly, threatening to choke her with its intensity.

_If he wants to finally have that argument, then he can bring it on._

_I will make him wish he had never raised it in the first place._

She was dreading the return of their connection. She was so angry, so hurt, so confused still. She knew it was too much to hope that all the lyrium had miraculously left his blood. The thought of him being able to sense everything she felt left her feeling sick.

Yet even after all that he has done, all that he had put her through, she loved him. And Cullen would know.

She threw her braid over her shoulder in annoyance, drawing up the hood of her cloak to hide her agitation just as the tight grip she had on her staff betrayed her. She wasn’t going to dwell on this anymore.

For now, she was looking forward to training with another mage of her standard. Dorian and Solas were too, of course, but Nathalie had a completely different approach. Hearing her outside, Lea opened the door to join her.

Lea also didn’t realise how much she’d missed having a female friend. It had been in short supply during her years in the Circle. The loneliness she’d felt since leaving Cullen hadn’t abated, but having the easy companionship of another woman – and one who understood – had helped.

‘Wow, you look incredible,’ Lea said in admiration. Nathalie was in a sleeveless white silk top and shorts and boots. With her hair high in a ponytail, the whole thing made her look incredibly exotic, her tanned skin dark against the white of the material, her purple eyes aglow with mischief.

The odd sensation of something being stage managed around her disappeared as the other woman started to speak. ‘Inspired by something Isabela wears. Except I at least wear shorts with it. Terribly impractical for keeping clean in a desert but I couldn’t resist. Are we not a fine pair this morning? Your beauty has a real edge to it with that look and makeup. It is an armour all of its own.’

‘I’ll take anything I can get,’ Lea replied dryly, moving out into the hall and locking her door.

Nathalie laughed as she pulled her white cloak around her. ‘Let us go and give this dreary keep something to talk about.’

‘How do you keep your bow and staff on at the same time?’ Lea asked curiously as she and Nathalie made their way down to the new training area Lea had ordered built.

‘Blind luck most of the time,’ Nathalie chuckled as she reached back to adjust her bow. ‘I got the two tangled up on more than one occasion when I first switched from a sword to a bow. Then Sebastian showed me a couple of tricks and now most of the time I managed to acquit myself without too much embarrassment. I just never got on with daggers. Too small.’

‘I guess with Cadan starting on them so young it was inevitable that would be my choice. When he finally returned from sea and drilled me properly in their use I got to grips with it pretty quickly. I was awful at the start though.’ Lea winced at the memory of those early days. ‘I nearly cut my thumb off on several occasions. He loved to tease me about it.’

‘There can’t be many who are Cadan’s equal,’ Nathalie agreed.

‘Cullen is.’ Her unthinking reply made her furious with herself for still caring.

‘How are you feeling about it?’ The hesitant question gave Lea pause, forgetting how much this had had an impact on all the people around her.

‘Truthfully? Sick. Once he’s here and that initial meeting is over I will be better. The problem is the dread of anticipation.’ Lea lifted her chin defiantly, refusing to be cowed by the prospect. ‘But I shan’t think of it. Look – here we are. What rules do you want to use?’

‘Magic only for now I think. But aside from that, I’m game for anything. Hit me with your best spells Inquisitor,’

Lea saw her scanning the area and then smiling with satisfaction as she saw something on the back wall. As she too looked around, she saw their short walk had already attracted attention. Lea ignored it, as she usually did. Two beautiful women walking through a keep filled predominantly with men would always lead to stares.

She draped her cloak out of harm’s way, her staff already in her hands. ‘Five minutes?’ she called to Nathalie, who nodded her agreement.

Slowly, Lea let her magic flow through her as she thought through what Nathalie would hit her with. Kirkwall was renowned for its Force mages and, even though Nathalie hadn’t been in the Circle, she had taken that as her specialisation. She then began the familiar routine as she started to cast at the target in the distance, letting her staff be her focus for her will, looking forward to their upcoming session.

Soon, their warmup was done and the two women bowed to each other before launching their separate attacks. Lea had already thrown up her barrier and moved out of the way as she shot a blast of ice at Nathalie, who’d also been prepared. A string of fireballs blazed through the air before she flipped backwards to avoid the earth crashing beneath her.

‘Nicely done,’ she shouted laughingly to Nathalie who grinned at her in response, before having to spin and narrowly avoid Lea’s next blast of energy.

The two of them continued for some time, neither one really bothered about gaining the upper hand. Unbeknownst to Lea, happily lost in the music of her mana, quite the crowd had formed. She was moving gracefully to the instinctive rhythms and letting her senses guide her, delighting in the joy of having her magic singing in her ears as it always did during a fight.

Distantly, Lea felt something merge seamlessly within her very soul, suddenly feeling more alive than she had done in weeks. She had no time to focus on it as she only just avoided a series of intensive lighting strikes from Nathalie, one catching her barrier sharply.

Still with no time for Lea to think, Nathalie increased the ferocity of her attack as she narrowly avoided being slammed into the ground. As she rose, she managed to freeze her to the spot momentarily with one of her glyphs, catching the other mage for the first time. As soon as Nathalie was free, Lea had to run from an inferno, a blizzard appearing at the same time. The space around them glowed with a brilliant variety of colours as the powerful casts targeted at one another increased.

After a while, Nathalie raised her staff, indicating they should stop.

‘That was bloody fantastic!’ Lea was laughing in her exhilaration of having had such a good practice. ‘It’s not often I get the chance to pit myself against such talent.’

‘You are probably the most skilled mage I’ve had the pleasure of fighting with.’ A rare hint of pink tinged Natalie’s cheekbones at Lea’s compliment. ‘Although I suspect you were still holding out on me. How is your Knight-Enchanter training going?’

‘It’s going.’ Lea was keeping that particular element of her speciality to herself for now.

Nathalie then looked behind Lea, giving her that odd sensation that she’d just been put on show, but with no idea why. ‘And you’ve just shown your troops what their Inquisitor is capable of. It’s not a bad thing to demonstrate how well controlled mages can be.’ There was a knowing smile on Nathalie’s lips as Lea remembered the words on Cullen’ last note.

She turned round to look at the considerable crowd that had gathered and that was now applauding, her eyes landing in shock on the one person she hadn’t expected to see so soon.

Her magic responded in exhilaration as Lea suddenly realised what the sensation she’d felt was - the familiar feel of his lyrium always demanding more, needing to be with her. Because she’d been so focussed she hadn’t even noticed Cullen had arrived. He was watching her impassively as he leant against the railings, slightly apart from everyone else.

‘When did he arrive?’ Her voice was so quiet Natalie almost couldn’t hear her.

‘Around twenty minutes ago.’ The response filled her with horror.

‘He’s been watching us that long?’ Lea was incredulous she hadn't noticed.

‘He’s been watching you for that long, Lea, not me. Did you not realise Cullen was here?’ Natalie had a look of innocence which she’d normally question – except everything was far, far from normal.

‘No. I was…the feeling was….’ She couldn’t explain it. She was filled with a riot of emotions as she released her magic from her body.

‘The last time I saw him, he’d just punched a wall and was bleeding.’

Lea’s brain wouldn’t work, trying to make sense of what was going on inside her. There was too much going on to feel anything at all.

‘Why do men do such strange things?’ Nathalie was struggling not to laugh. ‘You do realise that you’re still staring at him, and he you? Would you like to take the conversation you need to have somewhere less public?’

Her initial overwhelming happiness at seeing Cullen right before her, knowing how pleased and relieved he was to see her as well, was suddenly swamped by the hurt and anger he’d caused.

And, in a flash, she felt exactly the same thing radiate from him, feeding her temper further. ‘Yes. I would.’

Stalking slowly towards him, she remembered every nasty word, every cruel jibe, every cutting comment he’d made that day and in his subsequent letters. The closer she got she was forcibly hit by his hurt, frustration, but most overwhelmingly, his rage. And, against everything he wanted to feel, how much he still loved and wanted her, making him even more furious.

All her emotions were now amplified, almost making her shake with their intensity. He knew it all, in excruciating detail. It was impossible to hide the hate for what he’d done to her, nor the love she still had for him.

The world fell away as she finally reached him, with only a hazy reminder to herself to not have a screaming match in front of the whole keep.

_How fucking dare he look so fucking good!_

‘Commander.’ Lea was harsh, irritated at herself for still finding him the most attractive man she’d ever seen.

She immediately forgot all her good intentions to not argue in public.

‘Inquisitor,’ he replied softly, the voice she once loved to listen to holding no warmth whatsoever. ‘Putting on a spectacle over a simple matter of training, I see.’

Cullen’s tone made it clear that it was anything but a compliment even as his gaze raked her body, unable to help himself. His amber eyes were dark, showing all his anger and desire for her as he fought the raging conflict within himself.

‘I am uninterested in what you think constitutes a spectacle or not. This is my keep and I will do as I please.’ She took spiteful pleasure in how much her comment had goaded him, a blunt reminder she could do whatever she wanted.

‘You decided on a poor choice of location for such a bedazzling array of tricks. Do you have any idea what damage you could have done to the garrison if one of your spells went astray? It’s hardly the action of a supposedly responsible mage.’ She knew Cullen was deliberately attacking her magic, despising the fact he carried that element of her within him.

Lea was fighting to keep herself from trembling as she rested casually on her staff. She couldn't move her eyes from his, furious with herself for still desiring him as much as she did.

She then held up her hand, green fire igniting in her palm as she hammered her point home. ‘Let me remind you of the only reason you’re interested in keeping me alive. If you want that state of affairs to remain as it is, I will train where and when I want.’

‘You’re hardly going to survive at the rate you are going anyway. I suppose I should not have been so easy on you in the past,’ he replied dismissively, his eyes becoming harder even as she knew her accusation had hurt him. ‘The next time you choose to use such an ill-advised combination of spells as you did on your last attack, you’ll find it will almost certainly be your last.’

If Lea had not been in public she would have smacked Cullen hard across the face, just to remove that insufferably arrogant smirk from his face.

The flames of her fury were fanned even more as he directly reminded her of a magical morning that had been, until two nights previously, one of her most cherished memories. ‘Then you had bloody well better make sure I live then hadn’t you? Who else would close the rifts for you if I died? Which, according to your supposedly expert opinion, is imminent!’

She was only just hanging onto the last vestiges of her self-control, not bothering to wait for a response. ‘You think I am so feeble, so incapable of fulfilling my position as Inquisitor? Prove it then, Commander. It is in your own self-interest after all, not to mention your responsibility!’

Her eyes were blue shards of ice as she looked at Cullen, wondering how she could possibly have ever loved him - and how she still could love him. ‘You will meet me outside the keep in quarter of an hour at the outpost well. See if you can find it within yourself to obey a direct order. We will continue this discussion in private!’

Lea found the strength from somewhere to tear herself away as she spun round to get her cloak. Quickly pulling it on and drawing up her hood, heedless of anyone around her, she stormed off to her quarters.

As she hurried blindly up the stairs she realised for the first time that her magic was still entwining itself around his lyrium which was happily settled alongside it, in total contrast to their own feelings. Lea made a mental note to address that when she was back at Skyhold, to somehow find a way to end something that had now become unbearable to them both.

\-----

Varric watched as Hawke walked over to him, a satisfied smile on her face.

‘That went well.’ She sounded smug, the plan she’d thought out having worked perfectly. ‘Thanks for providing the heads up earlier. She was completely distracted. I don’t think she realised that the scouts had arrived ahead of the Inquisition party.’

He was still amazed at how the two of them had fallen in so neatly with Hawke’s strategy. ‘He must have headed straight here from the stables. I’ve never seen anyone so focused on another person to the complete exclusion of anything else. I’m not sure he even realised you were out there with her.’

They both looked over to where Lea and Cullen stood, arguing. ‘Are you surprised?’ Hawke gestured to Lea. ‘Look at her and tell me she doesn’t look good.’

‘Good is an understatement. He doesn’t stand a chance. One of your outfits?’ He chuckled ruefully, wondering why he’d bothered asking.

‘Sebastian has always approved,’ she replied serenely. ‘It would appear Cullen does as well, much though he’s probably hating himself for it right now. He’ll be surprised at how quickly he gets over it.’

Along with most of the now riveted garrison, they continued to watch Cullen and Lea for a moment. Both were clearly furious, yet completely unable to hide their need for one another.

‘They do suit each other perfectly don’t they? The energy coming off the pair of them is enough to set this whole keep on fire.’ Hawke still had that wicked smile that spelt out trouble. ‘I’d forgotten his preference for beautiful, powerful mages.’

‘Did you really when you arranged all of this? You are a dangerous woman, Hawke.’ Varric started laughing, giving up on the pretence of trying not to watch the show. ‘Anyway, I guarantee you they are arguing over absolutely nothing. All it would have taken was for him to say ‘Inquisitor,’ before Frosty lost it completely.’

‘I’ve got a bet for you.’ Her eyes still sparkled with mischief. ‘Lea gets him outside to kick his ass as he so royally deserves as soon as that pointless discussion they are having is done. Then this will all be sorted out by the time we march on Adamant. A gold.’

‘I think it’s going to take a bit longer. Frosty is just itching to knock some sense into him right now, but she should have stayed at Skyhold, not run away. They both hurt each other pretty badly.’ Varric thought for a second. ‘After Adamant. A gold. You’re on.’

They then watched Lea storm off, ignoring even her own brothers as she raced up the stairs, her face hidden in her hood and her posture rigid. Cullen stood rooted to the spot, his anger and his love for her plainly evident for a second before he too turned and left.

‘That was fun.’ Hawke murmured with an eyebrow raised. ‘How many bruises do you think the Commander will be sporting when our Inquisitor is through with him?’

Varric was about to reply when he heard the sound of crows overhead. And then it clicked. 

\------

_I am going to make him regret the day he was born!_

All Lea wanted to do was hit him. Hard. To show him what she was capable of. And he’d given her the perfect opportunity to do so. How dare he accuse her of being unfit for her role? Be somehow less than she was?

She didn’t want to see anyone and had ignored the pile of messages on her desk. Lea was all-consumed by the need to sort it out, one way or the other, with Cullen. Tilting her head to one side, she realised he was already heading there.

Quickly running down the stairs to the outside of the keep, she walked steadily towards the spot she’d demanded he meet her at.

_He still loves me. Except he wishes he didn’t._

_Well, the feeling is mutual._

Getting closer, she could see Cullen leaning against an old wall as he waited, one hand resting on his sword, the other running a hand through his hair, rubbing the back of his neck. Lea knew that was a surefire sign of how uneasy he was. The afternoon sun shone down on him, reflecting brightly off his armour and making him look like the golden hero of her memories all over again, tall, powerful and devastatingly handsome.

In her heart of hearts, all she truly wanted to do was throw herself into his arms and kiss him, trying somehow to make this all better.

Except this time, her hero was warped beyond recognition and would probably throw her to the floor, taking her heart and stamping on it hard before leaving her to rot in the heat of the desert.

‘Commander,’ she said curtly as she walked right up to where he was standing.

She leant on her staff as she came smartly to a halt, the anger she felt for wanting him rising in her again. ‘How good of you to find the time to meet.’

‘I hardly had any choice, Inquisitor. We are here at your demand, not mine.’ His eyes on her were hard and unforgiving. His senses, however, told her a different story.

She pushed her hood down, looking searchingly at him for a moment. She tried to reconcile this disinterested stranger to the Cullen she knew - and to the feelings raging through her.

_He is anything but disinterested._

_I will find every which way I can to make you hurt as much as you made me cry. Night after night._

Tossing aside her cloak, Lea had no problem using every weapon in her arsenal to make him miserable, knowing the more he looked at her, the more he couldn’t hide his need for her - and the more he hated himself for doing so.

‘You saw fit to criticise every decision I have made these last six weeks.’ She saw a momentary look of confusion cross his face, surprising her but before she could think on it further it was gone. ‘You have belittled me and insulted me and now, just as I am preparing for a battle against some of the best fighters in Thedas, you choose to tell me I am not fit for the role!’

Her voice was irate as she felt her control slip. ‘I am fed up of your dismissing everything I have to say, everything I stand for. If you have a problem with me as a mage, spit it out.’

‘I have belittled and insulted you?' he retorted in furious disbelief. 'That is a line you crossed a long time ago, and you now have the nerve to accuse me of the same! You callously turned every single problem the Inquisition faced into my fault, my failing, refusing to accept any responsibility for your own actions!’

_What?_

Before Lea could argue back, his next words made her rage incandescent. ‘And yes, I have a problem with your magic use. Your training leaves a lot to be desired,’ he said scathingly, scorning of her skills. ‘You are overconfident and arrogant, just like any mage. That weakness will lead to yours, and the Inquisition’s, downfall!’ He was shouting angrily at her now, the rage within him only serving to escalate her own.

‘You dare accuse me of being arrogant? Because of a handful of paltry abilities you achieved purely by drinking poison, you are somehow better than I am? How about we explore the issues you have with your own inferiority right here, right now! I will take great pleasure in showing you just how mistaken your assessment is!’ Lea was so infuriated her whole body was shaking, something she only was able to hide by gripping her staff.

A thought occurred to her – one she wasn’t sure she wanted an answer to. ‘You made reference to going easy on me once. Is that true?’

‘I took pity on you,’ he ground out. ‘As you rightly pointed out earlier, you have to be kept alive.’

A pure jolt of pain shot through Lea at Cullen’s cruel words, leaving her breathless and fighting sudden tears. He’d completely destroyed the precious memory she held of that night and then the morning by the woods in Haven, the fantasy turned reality that had warmed her for weeks at a time whilst she had been away from him.

Somewhere within her, she sensed he didn’t mean a word of it. He was completely horrified by what he had said, desperate to not cause her such anguish, but with no idea how to stop himself. It was all submerged underneath the hurt that was intensifying by the second. Lea was left, yet again, with nothing but her fury to sustain her.

‘I will teach you a lesson you won’t forget.’ She snapped, done with talking. ‘You will think twice before you dare to patronise me again in such a fashion. We will spar, here and now. There is but one rule – do not die. And if you foolishly decide to take pity on me, you will regret it.’

‘As you wish.' He threw his cloak to one side and drew his sword, barely able to get his shield up in time.

Lea narrowly missed his head with her staff, the sensation sending vibrations right down her arm as she quickly flipped back to give herself some space. Immediately she threw up her barrier as she felt the horrible sensation of a Silence descend on her.

Undaunted, she rained down a series of strikes against his sword, sparks flying as metal met metal, pushing her advantage against him. She could sense his surprise at the ferocity of her blows, abruptly realising how much she had learned in the last few months. She noticed his eyes narrow just as she suddenly had to retreat and weave away from the blur of his sword.

As soon as the Silence lifted, Lea rolled, shooting off a series of glyphs on the ground he had to work to avoid. They froze him momentarily which allowed her to disarm him of his shield before he rapidly advanced on her once more.

‘I presume you’re running a brothel here, dressed the way you are,’ Cullen growled, as his sword grazed her side, cutting the cloth and making her wince at the sting of his blade before Lea could quite get out of the way.

‘I wouldn’t know.’ Not giving him the opportunity to continue with his derogatory comment, she used her staff for balance whilst her leg flew towards his head.

She felt the toe of her boot hit him straight across his face, sending him staggering backwards as fireballs sizzled through the air, Cullen only just deflecting them in time.

‘You, on the other hand, seem to have a degree of familiarity. Perhaps due to your regular patronage of such institutions?’ That he’d dared to imply what she thought he had left Lea unrepentant of the damage she’d caused, forcing away a twinge of horror at just how effective her new manoeuver was.

Blood was pouring from his nose but he seemed oblivious as he continued to work on disarming her from her staff. Lea was under another Silence again as she countered every strike, hitting him hard on his side just as his sword cut her legs on her retreat.

He then managed to get the flat of his blade underneath her staff, sending it flying. The hilt then connected with her jaw twice - hard - making her teeth rattle and her head spin. Absently she felt something hot pour down her face as she swallowed the metal tang away where her lip had burst open.

‘Really? A woman dresses like that to get a certain type of attention. Something you know all too well.’ He spat some blood on the floor whilst Lea rolled back from the reach of his sword.

She just managed to pull out one dagger in time, shooting electricity towards him so he was stunned in place.

As Cullen started to move again, Lea took the opportunity to fadestep right towards him and give him the resounding slap she’d so badly wanted to give him earlier. The crack of her palm connecting with his cheek echoed round the abandoned ruins as they glared at each other for a moment, his eyes blazing with fury and lust, whist she was almost shaking with the opposing sensations of despising him and wanting him like never before.

‘You bloody bastard! Are you calling me a whore?’ She was infuriated, disbelieving he’d actually made such an insinuation.

She kicked one of his legs out from underneath him, sending him backwards and almost to the floor before he quickly recovered. Lea started to feel him draining her mana as she reached down for her other dagger. Quickly a fade shield appeared as she flung out another blast of ice, both of which he dispelled with ease, much to her annoyance.

‘It takes one to know one, Leaena. I merely pointed out a statement of fact.’ His voice was quiet now in his rage as his blade cut closer and closer to her, finally returning a cut she’d given him earlier with one of his own on her wrist, her blade tumbling to the ground.

_He’s jealous?_

‘If you hadn’t noticed, Cullen, we are in the middle of a fucking desert!’ Lea shouted angrily, completely thrown as to what he could possibly have to be jealous about. ‘If you choose to swelter in your armour that is your own mistake. Yet somehow you’re branding me a slut for being sensible?’

Her words were lost as he took her by surprise, rolling forward. She managed to push him back with one boot and flicking her knife against his wrist, just sneaking in underneath his armour to the skin. He swore loudly as his sword fell, but he still was straight at her again with his own dagger.

Lea immediately switched her dagger to her left hand. She took perverse pleasure yet again at the shock in Cullen’s face, realising how quickly she’d mastered all the specialities of a Knight-Enchanter as her Spirit Blade appeared. He immediately dodged back out of its range as she steadily advanced on him, intent on her revenge.

Her magical sword connected with force on his shoulder, making him grunt from the impact but still he kept at her. He followed up with a punishing blow to her leg, sending her flat on her back and momentarily winding her. Lea frantically looked for a way out before spotting it, grabbing hold of his wrist as he was coming down to disarm her. She pulled herself up, yanked his arm around and flipping him on to the ground.

Cullen was up again in a flash as he prowled towards her, Lea gripping her remaining dagger tight. The look in his eyes was one she knew all too well as she prepared for his attack, her mana spent. It was impossible for her body to not respond as her mind protested furiously about the impact he still had on her, even after all he had put her through.

‘Why else would you bother dressing like that? Don’t kid me into thinking it was for my benefit.’ His dagger flashed towards her as her arm went up at speed to block his blade.

She raised her fist, her sharp jab connecting with his neck and sending his head snapping back. He didn’t miss a beat as he continued his attack, his strength beginning to overcome her own.

‘I dress for my own benefit, like anyone else in Thedas. And I have no idea why what I wear or not is of interest to you any longer!’ Her angry words just incensed him further, Lea suddenly finding herself nearly backed up against a wall.

He was almost upon her now, so close she was beginning to panic. The last thing she wanted to do was show a sign of weakness to this predator now advancing upon her, his intent clear as he came within striking range.

_No. Not ever again. You have ruined this for me._

 

She managed to brace herself enough, rapidly raising both feet and planting them firmly against his chest as she pushed hard. Her unexpected move sent Cullen flying backwards and sprawled on the floor in front of her, his dagger buried in the sand.

Lea immediately straddled his chest, one hand on the floor by his face holding her up, the other with her blade pressed up against his throat. She was breathing heavily, sweat and blood pouring from her face, her lip split, feeling the sting of the other cuts he’d given her. Her fury and her desire for him were at equal peaks of burning intensity as she stared at his face, so close to hers, equally bruised, bloodied and battered from her ferocious attacks, his nose broken by the impact of her boot.

‘Do you yield, Commander?’

Lea’s voice was stern, uncompromising in her need for him to acknowledge, and accept, the most fundamental elements that made her the woman she was.

She could feel his muscles trembling between her thighs, his breaths ragged as his face tensed with emotion, spiralling in the vortex that claimed them both. He was clinging onto the last of his self- control to not grab her and roll her over, pin her down and claim his own victory as he knew he so easily could.

He was staring back at her, his eyes blazing golden, the darkness she’d seen before banished. All she could do was wait and see what he decided.

Cullen gave Lea an imperceptible nod before grabbing the wrist which held her dagger and holding it above his head, using his other hand to draw her face to his. He kissed her hard, frantic in his need to taste her, to know she was real.

There was nothing gentle about the feel of his lips crushing hers as his tongue clashed with hers in her mouth, his hand in her hair, holding her fast against him.

There was as much fervour from Lea as there was Cullen, all her anger, frustration, pain and need for him pouring from her, loving him and loathing him all at the same time. Her hand was on his face, nails scraping his jaw, a low moan escaping into his mouth just because from the sheer exhilaration to be kissing him again after so long.

He smelled of salt, sand and Cullen, something she hadn't realised how badly she'd missed until then. She ignored the pain in her lip, tasting their blood mingling together with the citrus that was uniquely him. It reflected a kiss that was violent all on its own, desperate in its passion and intensity.

They eventually broke off, uneven breaths the only noise around them as they wordlessly looked at each other. Neither one of them were sure where they now went.

The only option was to move.

Cullen let his hand fall from her hair as Lea slowly climbed to her feet, helping him up. She realised then, with some alarm, just how hard she had actually hit him.

‘You should get your nose looked at.’ With just one kiss, all her anger had fled, leaving a deep sadness in its wake.

‘You should have your lip checked out.’ The concern behind the words was a caress to her soul, completely the opposite from the bitter viciousness of earlier.

Feeling uncertain and insecure, Lea silently handed him a rejuvenation potion before drinking one on her own, feeling slightly better afterwards. Physically at least.

‘Well fought, Inquisitor. I was wrong. I am sorry.’ His simple admission and his blunt honesty warmed her like nothing else could have at that moment.

For just a second, the Cullen she knew was back.

‘It was very close, Commander. I appreciated the opportunity to practice against such a challenging opponent. Thank you.’

Lea couldn’t look at him. She was about to cry, feeling completely drained. She had no idea what to do or what to say. It was as if they were strangers once more, but so much further apart than they ever had been that tumultuous day in Haven.

‘Leaena.’ The urgency and despondency in Cullen’s voice made her breath catch and her heart stutter.

He was watching her, awkward and unsure, his desolation apparent. ‘Maker’s Breath, I am not good at this! But we need to talk. Not now, with blood everywhere. I don’t understand – ‘.

‘I know.’ Her sheer bewilderment at the whole crazy situation was making her head spin. ‘I don’t understand either. Let us head back. We don’t have to do anything right now.’

Lea tried a smile, automatically wanting to make him feel better then wincing at her split lip. ‘I am exhausted. It would be good to get some proper sleep for once.’

They walked back quietly to the keep, neither one of them saying anything. She sensed his confusion, his anger now dissipated, but the hurt still overwhelmed him from whatever she was supposed to have done.

His love was there too though, as well as fierce pride at how skilfully she had bested him.

_Dare I hope?_

Lea felt his amusement as the guards looked at both of them askance in a combination of awe and horror. Their curiosity was apparent, keen to know what they’d fought to end up looking that way.

As they reached the door to her quarters, Cullen looked at her, the guilt in his eyes making her want to weep. ‘I’m sorry I hurt you. You aren’t in too much pain?’

She knew he wasn’t just referring to her injuries, making her already stuttering heart jump around her chest in a most erratic manner.

‘I’ll be fine,’ she promised, believing it for the first time after the weeks of unrelenting agony.

He turned to leave, absently reaching up to touch his nose gingerly.

‘I’m sorry I broke your nose,’ she whispered, wishing she could ask him inside her room so she could tend to it for him.

He shot her an unexpected grin, making her heart melt even more. ‘It’s alright. I’m used to it. You’ll be pleased to hear you beat Trystan to it as well. He may never forgive you.’

He gave her a small nod as he headed off to find his own room.

‘Cullen!’ She called after him impulsively, her arm outstretched.

She held his hand for a moment as she looked at him, stammering in her nervousness. ‘I just – I – I’m glad you are here.’

He squeezed her fingers gently in response. ‘So am I, my lady.’

Lea watched him walk off before turning to go into her own quarters. Looking at herself in the mirror, she gasped in amazement.

Her hair was a mess where he’d entwined his fingers roughly as he kissed her, and her clothes were in ruins, bleeding cuts all over her body. Her eyes had kohl smudged everywhere, while blue bruises had already set in. Her lip would take a while to heal, split right down the right side and still weeping blood.

No wonder the guards had looked at them both in such horror, the memory making her giggle as she stripped off.

Waving her hand to prepare her bath, she put some salve onto her lip, easing into the warm water gently. A sharp inhale didn’t prevent stings from the multitude of cuts Cullen had inflicted on her. Slowly, she relaxed, feeling the water soak her sore bones as she washed her hair.

_That was, even with my anger, far and away the best sparring session ever._

Lea had only narrowly bested Cullen. And she suspected if he hadn’t been so enraged, he would probably have won.

It had also had the benefit of them both getting rid of their fury at one another. She sighed. What was left?

Pain. Bewilderment. The trust had gone.

She still flinched when she thought of his harsh words, boldly mocking her from the parchment. Lea couldn’t believe they came from the same man who had just left her at her door.

It would take time for them to rebuild, to heal. It wasn’t going to happen overnight.

_I still love him though. More than ever. Bizarrely enough._

She rose, drying herself off with another wave and putting more salve onto her cuts. Naked, she crawled into her bed under the covers, surprised to realise how relaxed and comforted she felt. To sense his presence inside her soul once more had removed weeks of unbearable tension and crippling doubt.

She was for once, completely relaxed, secure in the knowledge Cullen was here to protect her. Lea fell asleep with a smile on her lips, reassured at last that the nightmares would plague her no more.


	63. Longest Day

Leaena was still asleep, getting what Cullen suspected was her first decent rest in two months. He’d felt her drop off around a half hour after he’d left her as he headed straight to Solas to help him set his nose, much to the elf’s amusement although he’d said nothing.

He was now back in his quarters, looking in some shock at the amount of blood on his face and armour. His nose was three times the size it should have been. He was already sporting a black eye from a well-placed jab from Lea’s elbow and another bruise where her solid punch had caught him right underneath his chin. A deep gash on his cheek still oozed blood from the studs from her glove as she slapped his face.

_I deserved it._

Cullen had no idea what had gone so wrong between them for Leaena to even begin justifying the vile letters he’d received from her, but he still shouldn’t have called her a whore. Shaking his head, wanting to get comfortable before he dwelt on the whole problem further, he started to strip off. He’d already ordered a bath before seeing Solas which was steaming, waiting for him. It was a luxury he normally wouldn’t bother with, but he needed some privacy and space to organise his thoughts.

Finally naked, he gave a rueful chuckle as he looked at the further damage she had inflicted on him. His wrists were covered in the slashes where her blades snuck underneath the lighter armour he’d had on. Huge bruises were on his ribs and all over his legs where blows from her staff had repeatedly landed. His shoulder was swollen and red where her Spirit blade had hit, making it difficult to raise his arm still.

_Holy Andraste, she can fight._

Settling into the hot water he sighed with satisfaction as the hot water relaxed his sore muscles, feeling his shoulder loosening up slightly as he closed his eyes. The only thing he could think of was Leaena and his complete and utter confusion.

Cullen had woken up the morning after she’d left, mortified at what he had said and how he had behaved. Eager to make it up to her, he was surprised when he couldn’t sense her. When Trystan had come to see him before he left for Ostwick, ready to break his nose as well, he only stopped when he saw Cullen’s horror at the realisation that Leaena had gone.

He’d spent two days writing a long letter to her, to explain everything, to thank her for stopping him taking the lyrium and to apologise for all the things he’d said. He was already making plans to head out to the Western Approach and join her much earlier so they could talk properly.

What he’d received back had sent a lance of pain so sharp through him he wanted to throw up. Everything he had said she’d then twisted and used against him, blaming him for all the failures at Haven, raking up the past in Kirkwall and even the brief relationship he’d had with Freya in Ferelden. Her subsequent letters attacked every decision he’d made, put blame on him for situations that were not even to do with him before finally threatening him with removal as Commander of the Inquisition.

_I wanted to quit anyway. I would have walked away from it all._

When he’d first received them, he’d wondered if they were fake, they were so contrary to everything he knew about Leaena. Cullen had even gone so far as to check the writing and seals against the other correspondence she’d sent. They were identical, leaving him to draw the horrendous conclusion she meant every word she’d written.

_I thought I had lost her._

_Nothing mattered any more, not after that._

He’d spent the following weeks getting angrier and angrier, unable to believe how he had been duped by her, as more and more bitter, twisted letters arrived. He’d almost stopped bothering reading them, except they were in preparation for the attack and he still had a duty to follow through with his responsibilities as the Inquisition’s Commander.

Cullen had completely withdrawn into himself, not knowing how else to cope with the pain. The journey to the Western Approach had been dreadful, where he’d taken every opportunity to escape everyone else. His nightmares had returned with a vengeance, but Blackwall’s presence on the trip escalated them to the point where he couldn’t even get more than an hour or two of sleep before the demon returned yet again. He had to go elsewhere so no one would be woken by his screams from the memories of the torture at Kinloch Hold.

When he’d first felt her magic, he hadn’t known how to feel. There was a moment of pure elation at the rightness of it all, knowing she was near and finally being able to sense her again. He also felt immediately better, the lyrium withdrawal symptoms seeming to ease. She was training – he could tell by the rhythmic flow running through him, feeling her joy in her magic.

It had taken all his self-control to not ride ahead as fast as he could just to see Leaena in that second, all the suffering she had put him through forgotten, until he remembered the cruel words she’d written. As they neared the keep his anger was on the rise the closer he got. Once he got to the stable he just left his horse in the yard, speaking to no one as he headed straight to where he could feel she was.

_I had to have it out with her, to try and understand her viciousness._

_I wanted to understand how I had been so mistaken in her._

He remembered thinking how quiet the keep was as he almost ran through, with just the usual guard patrols and no one else. The reason for that became apparent at the sight that greeted him. Two beautiful women giving a display of magical combat at its very best - who also happened to be the Inquisitor and Champion of Kirkwall? His troops would have been oblivious to any order he’d given. The keep was completely gripped.

Cullen had barely acknowledged Hawke’s presence, however. His sole focus had been on Leaena. She looked spectacular, the sight of her stopping him in his tracks as he drank in the view. He managed to find a quiet spot whilst they continued, enjoying for the first time the chance to observe her whilst she was unaware of his proximity, his anger completely gone.

He’d never seen her wear anything like she had on, but he was hardly going to complain at seeing her in shorts and a tight top. It reminded him of the warmth of her breasts under his hands and the electric sensation of her skin on his as he made love to her.

_I loved watching her._

_She looked so beautiful and so happy, having fun, doing what she does better than anyone else._

The pleasure he had from seeing her like that was obliterated the moment he looked around and saw Blackwall and almost every other man wanting what was his. A purely primitive jealousy roared through him, stronger than anything he’d ever experienced before. It had left him completely convinced she had dressed so provocatively just to lure other men and torment him with it - just as his nightmares promised she would.

_She is mine._

He opened his eyes, sitting upright in the tub, trying to remove the negative images as he quickly started to wash himself off, continuing to think through the events of the day, feeling almost frantic in his need to make some sense of it all.

His raging jealousy only served to feed his anger, which hit its peak as she walked towards him. There was a hard edge to her beauty he hadn’t seen before, reflective of the fury he could feel coming from her in waves. He hated himself for still wanting her. It didn’t matter that he knew she still loved him and wanted him just as badly, despising herself for it.

He remembered not a word of their conversation as he was so focussed on her whilst trying to keep himself in control.

_All I wanted to do was pick her up over my shoulder, take her somewhere else and either shout at her or fuck her._

_That would have been a total disaster._

Cullen was pretty certain that angry sex would have ended up with things going nowhere very fast, resolving nothing, no matter how good it would have felt at the time. Leaena had come up with a somewhat more practical suggestion which seemed to have done what it needed to. They had both worked through their anger. For now.

_I shouldn’t have said what I said._

The look on her face when he’d told her that incredible morning long ago in Haven had been done solely out of a desire to keep her alive for her Mark had nearly driven him to his knees to beg her for forgiveness. It was a total lie, driven purely out of his need to hurt her as much as possible.

_It doesn’t matter. I ruined something precious to both of us, forever._

_Maker’s Breath, how will we get ourselves out of this mess? And do we even want to?_

He didn’t know if there was anything left to salvage between him and Leaena. There had to be more than just love and lust.

Cullen stood, drying himself off and wrapping a towel round his waist, feeling too hot with the afternoon heat of the desert radiating through the walls of the keep. Walking towards the window, looking out over the barren wasteland, he was still struggling to understand how he and Leaena had arrived at this dark place in their relationship.

_I just want to be with her._

_How is it possible to love her so much still even despite the amount of pain she’s caused me?_

The conflicting emotions still raged within him. His anger was gone, just leaving behind hurt like he’d never experienced before. He was frustrated and confused, with no idea what to do next.

And yet….the woman here was not the one from those hideous letters. There was nothing cold or calculating about Leaena at all. He couldn’t help but smile at the memory of their session outside.

_Even though I was furious, I have never enjoyed a fight more. Particularly the end._

Cullen would never forget Leaena’s blazing sapphire eyes as she demanded his surrender, her blade pushed hard up against his throat, nearly breaking skin. Her hair had started to come undone from its braid whilst her face was covered in blood and sweat mingled together, dripping from her. Her bottom lip had swelled up, her jaw turning blue already from where he’d caught her and her makeup was smudged all round her eyes. Her whole body was shaking with the strength of her anger and uncertainty, right alongside her love and her need for him.

_She looked absolutely sensational._

_I missed her so much._

Feeling her lips on his had undone all his resolutions to not want anything from her. She’d tasted of salt and berries, sending fire shooting through his veins. It had been very hard to break off the explosive, lengthy kiss they’d shared but he’d sensed her sudden exhaustion through the tumult of feeling coursing through both of them. He didn’t need to ask her whether she had slept much. He knew her nightmares would have been as bad as his.

He knew she would be sleeping for some time - he’d already sent instructions for no one to disturb her and to come to him or Leliana instead. He could tell how badly she needed to rest. As did he, but that could come later.

Cullen went towards his desk before the reality of what had happened that afternoon hit him. It didn’t matter what she did or how much pain she’d caused him - he would always want to protect her and make sure she was safe. And she would look to no other to do so than him.

_I pushed her to her limits outside. There isn’t anyone else she would allow to do that to her, not even her own brothers. She knows I would never hurt her._

_Despite everything I’m supposed to have done, Leaena still trusts me._

He exhaled slowly, feeling shaken and even more unsure of what to do next. Nothing he did would make the pain and confusion in his chest go away, but hope started to creep in to remove his doubt.

After a few moments of staring at nothing, Cullen made an effort to push all thoughts of what to do about him and Leaena to one side. It was not something that would have a quick resolution. He ran his hands through his wet hair, trying to make it tidier as he turned to read the pile of letters he’d ignored all day.

Seeing a note from Leliana on top asking him to find her when he was ready, he quickly threw on some clothes, shrugging in resignation at the amount of bruises and cuts that were visible. He was bracing himself, knowing he’d face a significant amount of curiosity from his soldiers as to how their Commander had taken such a battering.

_As usual, I underestimated her. That’s how._

Equally, he was happy to tell them of their leader’s prowess. It was good for their morale, particularly with such a large battle looming over them all, to know how capable she was.

_Maker’s Breath, she has grown in power so much. I dare any Tevinter magister to try and best my Inquisitor now._

Cullen winced as he touched his nose by accident, before picking up his papers and heading to the others. As he entered he saw Cadan, Varric and Leliana already there.

‘What’s the matter?’ he asked as he joined them.

He was greeted by three stares of astonishment at his appearance.

_I’d better get used to this over the next week._

‘Shit, Cullen, what happened to you?’ Cadan exclaimed.

‘That’s quite the shiner you have there, Curly,’ Varric grinned, knowing exactly what had occurred.

‘Your sister happened, actually. She has elbows of steel and kicks harder than a carthorse. Some sort of move where she uses her staff as leverage. I didn’t even see it coming. Did Bull teach her that?’ he looked at Varric questioningly.

‘I believe so,’ he replied, laughing. ‘He’ll be delighted at how effectively she used it.’

Cullen had to smile. ‘Effective is the right word. She won that round hands down.’ He flinched slightly at the pain in his shoulder as he tried to move it.

‘That sounds interesting,’ Leliana said, trying not to laugh. ‘I must ask Bull for some more sessions.’

‘Lea got the better of you?’ Cadan said incredulously.

‘Of course. Why wouldn’t she? I know I’m good but I’m not invincible,’ Cullen said in surprise. ‘Our Inquisitor is a force to be reckoned with. And I learnt a lot from her today.’ He wasn’t ashamed at all, rather the opposite.

_I am so proud of her, of what she has achieved and what she has become._

_How could those letters have come from the same person?_

Cadan chuckled. ‘I know. She is a Trevelyan after all. I’m just impressed at how well you are taking it. You’re one of the most competitive people I know, Cullen.’

‘I am a gracious loser. Just ask Trystan. Although do bear in mind I allowed him to be victorious just that once so he wouldn’t feel too bad for all the other times I’ve won since.’ He tried not to smile too much because of the pain, as Cadan laughed outright. He’d also seemed to have been forgiven by Leaena’s twin, something he was relieved about.

_Leaena and Cadan have their own way of communicating._

_Which means I can continue to hope._

‘Anyway, what’s happened?’ he sat back, trying to get comfortable.  

‘I noticed about two months ago that some of my crows had gone missing,’ Leliana said, looking disturbed. ‘It was steady, only one or two here and there. Subtly done. Then they came back into circulation again. I assumed they had just gone missing and returned home late as they sometimes do. Then Varric found me a few minutes ago. He has a theory which, I’m afraid, makes sense.’

‘Someone is intercepting the Inquisition’s correspondence. I’m sure of it,’ Varric said, pacing the room. ‘The problem is, I have absolutely no proof.’

‘Do you have any idea of who could be behind it?’ Cullen asked, his worry mounting.

‘None. Well, maybe, but I am not going to point fingers until I have the evidence I need,’ he replied cautiously.

‘Varric, not again, unless you want me to tell Cassandra. I need a name,’ Leliana said irritably. ‘How can I move on this unless you tell me everything you know?’

‘If there is anything which is going to constitute a threat to Leaena and the Inquisition, we have to know.’ Cullen felt his temper rise at the thought of the slightest harm coming to her for want of some information.

‘Because we don’t know why. We have to do this differently, or the whole thing will blow up in our faces. I don’t want to spook anything. You have to trust me, both of you,’ Varric argued. ‘Besides, we need to speak to Frosty about it first anyway.’

‘I see Varric’s point,’ Cadan added. ‘There is nothing you can do from your current location. You may have a suspicion of who, but not the reason behind it. Do you not want to uncover the deeper danger, see how far the thread runs and to where? You can only do that at Skyhold. If you scare them off now then you will miss out on more. Not to mention the fact that you have no idea how many of your agents have been turned.’

At Cadan’s last, very valid, point, Leliana looked ill.

‘Have we established our alternative means of contacting Skyhold?’ Cullen asked her.

She nodded in confirmation. ‘Josephine has activated our contingency plan. It’s somewhat more complicated and slower than our current structure, but it is secure. No one knows about it but us.’

‘Good. We need to keep it that way. Varric, I’m not at all happy leaving it like this, but I will wait to see what Leaena wishes do.’ Cullen rubbed his forehead, feeling exhausted. ‘There is nothing else we can do until then?’

‘Curly, I’m working on it. I promise. I don’t want anything to happen to her either,’ Varric said in frustration. ‘The good news, if you can call it that, is I suspect it only to be birds from Skyhold. The ones with our army are secure.’

Cullen suddenly was reminded of a conversation that had left him deeply disturbed, the catalyst to everything that had happened to him and Leaena ever since. He understood why Varric wanted to keep it quiet for now. They didn’t know what other damage had been done, what else might have been compromised. He caught Varric’s eye and nodded slightly, knowing the dwarf took his meaning.

‘All right. I trust you. Let’s speak again later. You can’t do much from here anyway, Leliana – we must remove the Grey Warden demons first. The Inquisition’s forces are on the march. I can’t turn them around and come back again. For now, we have a safe means to communicate and we won’t use our crows until you can get back and sort the whole mess out.’ Cullen saw her sigh in defeat.

‘How long till the army arrives, Cullen? I dislike knowing there is such malevolence right in our very own fortress. I just want this done so we can get back.’ Her tension was apparent as she stared at the map.

‘I know and I don’t like it either, but you know Josephine can handle it. The trebuchets arrive in the next few days. She worked some magic with one of the nobles and we have their sappers. The bulk of the force within the next week.’ He looked through his report, seeing if there was anything further. ‘I think we could launch our assault as quickly as ten days away.’

‘Very good. The last sweep for foreign agents was as we arrived back from Denerim. I fully intend on having another one as soon as we get back.’ Leliana looked over at Cadan. ‘Would you be able to assist me when we get back? I’d appreciate some fresh eyes on all of this.’

He nodded. ‘Just say the word. There were some interesting patterns coming out about Tevinter and Orleisan agents recently which Alistair is happy for me to share.’

‘Varric, thank you for raising something what I have suspected for a couple of weeks now. If you are working on evidence then please let me know as soon as something transpires.’ Leliana looked out the window, trying to gauge the time. ‘Where is Lea?’

‘Sleeping.’ Cullen was smiling as he replied without thinking, the hurt she had caused him completely gone for a second as he sensed her magic at rest. He missed the quick looks of amusement on everyone’s faces as he continued to look through his papers.

He stood to leave – slowly, feeling stiff. ‘I need to go and sort out something about this varghest infestation. Leaena’s asked that we clear them out. I shall see you again when she awakes.’ He looked at their spymaster’s face again, full of anxiety and frustration. ‘It will be alright, Leliana,’ he said softly. ‘We will deal with it. There was nothing you could have done.’

She nodded, saying nothing, still desperately upset at the whole situation and feeling as if she had failed.

As Cullen walked off to find the keep captain, he felt the same deep unhappiness knowing there was a danger so close to the heart of all of them they couldn’t resolve right now. There was still more to it than maliciousness – he sensed that it ran much deeper. And that was making him uneasy, having to let this ride out for longer, to reach what was at its core. Cadan and Varric were right, much though he hated the fact. It would be hard, however to persuade the Inquisitor otherwise. Her justice could be swift and decisive when she deemed it necessary.

_If the ringleader is who I think it is, Leaena in all likelihood will kill her on sight. And I couldn't blame her for wanting to do so._

\-------

Cullen sensed Leaena wake up as he met with the officers and men stationed at the keep. He felt her reaching out for him in that automatic way they both did, her magic warm and welcoming next to his lyrium, sensing how happy she was that he was so near as she woke. There was no indication of her sadness and hurt, just her love and need for him.

It was, however only a matter of seconds before those two negative emotions crashed through all the others, leaving him nearly staggering with the force of it. He had to stop what he was saying and let someone else speak so he could compose himself once more. Suddenly then a well of frustration arose from her. She was struggling for some reason and unable to do anything about it.

Excusing himself quickly from the meeting, Cullen walked towards her room, suddenly stopping himself. As he stood there, full of confusion once more, he still didn’t know what to do. Going to meet her had been something he’d automatically done before. But now? That feeling of uncertainty rose within him again.

_For fuck’s sake, how can I turn around and pretend nothing has happened, that she didn’t write those things?_

_But I can’t leave her when she is like this._

He was either the biggest idiot in Thedas for bothering her right now, or the bravest as he walked towards her quarters. Knocking on her door with some trepidation, aware that she’d know it was him, he waited tentatively outside.

Her head appeared round the side of the door, instantly making him feel guilty again as he saw her lip and the enormous bruise on her jaw. She was also blushing furiously. ‘Come in,’ she whispered as she darted behind it again.

Cullen was bemused as to what was making her feel so uncomfortable. As he came in, shutting the door quietly behind him, he turned around to see Leaena covered in nothing but a thin sheet up to her chin, her long hair loose over one shoulder.

‘What’s wrong?’ he asked her, trying very hard to ignore the fact that she was, in all likelihood, naked underneath.

‘I can’t bloody well dress myself,’ she said, her face going even redder. ‘My left arm is completely busted and it’s too sore for me to move too much – I can’t bend or twist at all. I feel paralysed! I also don’t have anything, um, loose to wear against the cuts on my skin. My clothes are on the….tighter side and my armour is just too warm.’

She was so embarrassed now she couldn’t look at him. ‘But I can’t wander around the keep with a sheet on for the next week! And there’s no one else….’ She broke off, rigid with her discomfort, not wanting to make things more awkward between them.

_No one else she wants to ask for help._

He couldn’t help but smile. ‘I can’t imagine there would be too many complaints, my lady, if you did decide to wear a sheet everywhere you go. But won’t you let me take a look at your arm? You may need to have it bound up.’

She looked up at him, her eyes wide. She didn’t say anything, just turning slowly to one side. His mouth went dry as she let one side of the sheet slip, revealing all of her bare back and arm and the very top of her perfect ass, taking him back to the first time he’d seen her fully naked by the lake at Skyhold.

Telling himself sternly that she was injured and now was absolutely not the moment to seduce her, he could immediately see where the problem was. He sat behind her, inhaling her light orange-blossom scent, gently sliding his fingers down her bruised upper arm. He could feel the swelling in both the shoulder and elbow, suggesting she had torn a muscle along with some ligaments.  

‘How did you ignore the pain from this, Leanea? This is a serious injury, although one that is easily fixable.’ He had to force himself to lift his hand away from her skin as he stood again small sparks still tingling in his palm at the sensation of her warmth. He hadn’t missed how she’d trembled slightly – which hadn’t been caused by the pain in her arm, making it even harder for him to step back, knowing she was as affected as he was by that simple touch.

‘I had other things on my mind at the time,’ she replied with a slight smile as she pulled the sheet back up. ‘The potion we had at the end masked the worst I think.’ Her smile slipped as her face suddenly filled with shadows. ‘And, Maker, I needed the sleep. You get that don’t you?’

‘I do,’ he said quietly, knowing exactly what she was referring to.

‘I woke up the others with my screams,’ she said to herself as she stood and moved to the window, her hair and face lit by bright moonlight shining through. ‘I stopped sleeping at night so it didn’t happen again. I’d find a tree with some shade in the morning or afternoon to get an hour here or there. I still dream but it is always in the dark they haunt me the most.’

‘What are they about?’ Cullen was feeling horrified that, somehow, he had put her through that. He had completely forgotten how much anguish she’d caused him, only wanting now to make things better for her.

Leaena turned back to him, her face unable to hide her torment. ‘Believe me, you do not want to know. Let’s just say that I won’t probably stop having them until I know every inch of red lyrium is gone from Thedas.’ She looked at him again then, questioning. ‘And what of you? I know you have probably had about as much rest as I have.’

‘It hasn’t been great,’ he replied, not wanting to worry her but not wanting to hide anything from her again. ‘I’d wait till the camp was asleep and go and find somewhere else to try and get rest. Trystan demanded to know what I was doing, but he understood. I…understand about your wish to not have people hearing your screams,’ he finished, a world of pain in his voice.

‘I’m so sorry you have to go through that, Cullen,’ she whispered, tears slowly falling down her face. ‘I know this sounds completely mad, after everything - and you probably won’t believe me, but I can’t stand the thought of you suffering in any way.’

‘I believe you. Just so you know, every time you’re in distress, I will do my best to take it away so it doesn’t hurt you any more, Leaena. That will never change.’ He was fighting a desperate battle inside himself to try and stop himself from touching her and going to comfort her, completely not knowing if that was what she wanted or not.

They stood there looking at each other silently, both wanting to go to the other, but now unable to, unsure of themselves or the bizarre position their relationship was now in.

Leaena gave a rueful grimace. ‘I know we have to talk, and try to figure out whatever it is that has happened. But I’d really prefer not to do it in a sheet and my arm feeling like it will fall off at any given moment.’

He gave up, moving towards her with a smile at her words, wiping away her tears, avoiding the cuts on her face. ‘Would you like me to help you?’

She looked at him gratefully. ‘Would you mind?’

‘Of course not. You can wear my shirt which should be loose enough and should be long enough as well. I’ll just keep my jacket on until I get to my room and can get another.’ He knew without asking that she wanted to wear something that would smell of him. ‘Do you have another pair of shorts?’ She nodded, gesturing to another bag of clothes.

‘You know, I can’t imagine there being too many complaints if you chose to go back to your room with no shirt on,’ she grinned at him, his Leaena finally back as he blushed bright red at her compliment. ‘Thank you for helping me…ow! Fuck!’ She’d been about to give him a big smile and hurt her lip, then hurting her arm as she automatically tried to touch it.

‘Right,’ he said firmly. ‘Sit here, my lady. Direct me to where everything is. Including your salve for all your cuts. Infections can set in quickly out here.’

‘Um, my underwear is there,’ she stammered slightly. ‘I, erm, guess you can choose…..’

‘I promise not to look,’ it was his turn to grin at her, trying to make her feel at ease as he chose a bra and pants that he knew she found comfortable to wear.

 _Yes I want her, like never before. But I’d far rather she felt more relaxed around me_.

‘Well…oh I like them. Good choice,’ she smiled in her approval before realising she’d have to drop her sheet for him to help her put them all on.

‘Leaena, at the risk of sounding completely gauche, inappropriate and unappreciative of just how beautiful you are all at once, it is nothing I haven’t seen before,’ he said lightly, wishing desperately she was more comfortable around him again. ‘Unless you do want to walk around the keep with just my shirt on?’

_Not that I would mind that either. But that’s for another time._

‘True,’ she said, her whole face aflame. ‘It’s just…..shit, Cullen, this is weird! And I hate that it is.’

 ‘I know. I can’t fucking stand it, if I’m honest. But we will deal with it. Once you are dressed.’ He held up her pants. ‘I really won’t look. But if I wallop you by mistake, don’t judge me.’

She carried on blushing as she let the sheet drop whilst he kept his gaze firmly on the ground. ‘Stand here,’ he ordered, as she stepped into them. True to his word, he kept his eyes closed, hearing her start to laugh at his somewhat cumbersome movements as he managed somehow to pull her pants up for her.

‘That wasn’t too sore,’ she said, smiling her thanks at him.

He sat behind her once more, easing the straps of her bra up her arms. ‘Alright, this should be easier. You organise what you need to and I will do you up….Maker, how do you women get these things on in the first place?’ he scowled at the strap at the back.

‘That is some of the most expensive Orlesian corsetry you are insulting there,’ she said, laughing harder now at the disgruntled look on his face. ‘There. I am sorted.’

Now it was his turn to feel beyond awkward as he took his jacket off under her appreciative gaze.

‘Don’t worry, Cullen, I won’t look either. See?’ Leaena had put her hands over her face.

Feeling the heat rise across his face, he pulled his shirt over his head, only to hear her gasp of horror as her eyes were wide open behind her fingers, looking straight at the blue bruise that ran all the way from his hip up to his ribs, spreading across his chest.

‘Did you cheat, my lady?’ he said teasingly, trying to distract her from his injuries whilst feeling rather self-conscious all of a sudden, as he was half-naked and under her scrutiny.

Leaena said nothing, her face still appalled when she saw how much damage she’d caused. She came to stand before him, oblivious to the fact she only had a bra and pants on, to trace the dark outline against his fair skin. It only had the effect of making him more desperate for her to touch him more, to feel her fingers trailing across his chest and follow the line of hair down his stomach as he knew she loved to do.

‘I did this to you? And your nose too?’ she whispered, horrified, as he sensed how upset she was that she had hurt him physically as well as emotionally.

Something at that point connected in Cullen’s mind, particularly after the conversation in the keep’s war room. All of the things that hadn’t made any sense to him over these long, dark weeks finally did at that moment now they were right next to each other, semi-naked, slowly opening up to one another again.

_It wasn’t her! It can’t have been. How was I so stupid as to believe it?_

_Which means it wasn’t me either. But how the fuck can I prove it? I can still feel how hurt she is._

He felt like a huge black cloud had been banished, but he needed to address it properly when he had the space to work it through. Now wasn’t the time. Especially not when she was doing this to him, making it hard for him to breathe. The electric sensations she was creating with her fingers on some of the most sensitive parts of his body were providing more than enough distraction.

He took her hand in his and led her to the mirror. He had to smile at the sight of them, covered head to toe in bruises and cuts, both as injured as each other, Leaena still looking no less beautiful to him than she had done before.

‘Leaena,’ he said softly. ‘Look at the both of us. We are both battered. It’s what happens at a practice like that. I am very used to it. On the other hand, I very much dislike seeing that I’ve caused you this level of discomfort.’

He turned her gently towards him then, hoping she would understand. ‘I am so proud of you. It was a privilege to have the chance to put myself up against the Inquisitor, no holds barred. And I would gladly take any bruise you give me if it meant you had more confidence out there where you need it the most.’

She reached up and pressed a kiss to his cheek. ‘Thank you. I enjoyed it, believe it or not. And I still can’t quite believe I managed to get the better of you. There is no warrior who is your equal.’

‘I do believe it and thank you for the kind words, my lady. Although I fear you are only trying to soothe my ego.’ He was feeling better and better by the minute as his eyes met hers in the mirror. ‘I enjoyed it too.’

‘Are you fishing for more accolades there, Cullen? Even when you know I’m right?’ Her eyes were dancing with her amusement. She looked back to the mirror for a moment longer, still holding his hand, her lips twitching before she started to laugh. ‘We are a pair aren’t we? What are people going to say, when they see the Inquisitor and the Commander in such a sorry state?’

‘Particularly if they were see you wearing nothing but that,’ he said, grinning as he led her back to her bed, enjoying the simple pleasure of freely being able to tease her again as her face went red. ‘Let me dress those cuts for you before I put the shirt on top.’

The full extent to which his sword and dagger had cut her, however, had his guilt on the rise. ‘Maker’s Breath, I know what I just said, but I hate that I did this to you.’ His voice was hard, slowly dabbing the cream onto her multitude of cuts, finally putting some on her lip as he frowned.

‘Cullen,’ she said gently. ‘I’m not bothered. I have to train like this sometimes. It was too hot for me to wear normal armour and I refuse to vegetate in the desert. You know that.’

‘I know, but….’ She cut him off, stopping him as she held a finger to his lips. The temptation to take it in his mouth and suck it slowly, letting his tongue run over her skin whilst he watched the flush he knew would spread across her upper body, was almost overwhelming

‘No buts. I wouldn’t have anyone else do it either. Only you.’ Her eyes widened slightly as she slowly let her finger trail softly over his lips before putting her hand down.

‘I……I am glad you feel that way.’ He couldn’t stop looking at her, so relieved she was in front of him at last and that she wanted him to be by her side.

Cullen knew he was unable to hide from Leaena how much he needed and loved her. That was something that had never stopped throughout this whole wretched situation. He still sensed though, her shyness and insecurity, her fear that he would hurt her again. Until she felt better about things between the two of them he simply couldn’t go any further, no matter how badly he wanted to.

Shaking slightly with the strength of his emotions, he wondered how he ever thought he could come this close to her and do something as intimate as dressing her without going through this exquisite torture.

He reached for the shorts. ‘Stand up, my lady. Do you need help?’

‘No, I should manage, thank you.’ She stood up, as he stood behind her easing the material up her long legs and ensuring they were on properly. His fingers were brushing her skin gently as he tried his best to avoid the cuts, hearing her slow intake of breath each time as his thumbs and fingers slid underneath the material to adjust them on her legs, allowing himself to gently stroke her soft skin slowly as he took his time to finish.

He put his arms around her waist to do up the buttons, almost holding her right against him, able to feel her trembling with her desire. The heat was radiating from her body now, the bare skin of her back almost touching his chest as her light orange blossom scent filling him once more.

_I miss us so much. How can I make this right?_

Stepping back, he found his shirt, gently easing it onto her, smiling as she laughed at his look of concentration.

‘The shirt is long enough, thank the Maker. I don’t know what I would have done otherwise.’ Leaena was, however, devouring him with her eyes she pushed her hair back.

To see her again, with one of his shirts on, just made him want to take everything off her again, she looked so stunning. ‘You need boots still. And would you like a belt?’ He looked around for where they were, trying to distract himself.

She nodded as he retrieved the belt and boots. The sudden memory of her legs wrapped around him, wearing them, whilst he was deep inside her on her desk made Cullen stop in his tracks, lust coursing through him. He knew immediately that she’d thought the same, feeling the heat rise in her as they both stared at each other, her eyes dark with wanting him as her breath came faster.

Leaena’s tongue darted out slightly to wet her lips as she wordlessly held out one leg. He knelt before her to slide the boot on for her, his hands sliding up the insides of her legs lightly, the backs of his hands inadvertently caressing the soft skin he remembered so well on her inner thighs. Clenching his fists to get them away from her before he slid his hands higher, his eyes still holding hers, he eased her other boot on gently, this time unable to resist letting his fingers linger ever so slightly at the top of her thigh with a light caress before removing them slowly as he stood, swallowing hard.

‘Let me tie your belt for you, Leaena,’ he said quietly, holding out his hand and drawing her to stand in front of him at the mirror so she could see how the belt was being positioned. He still couldn’t stop looking into her eyes as he stood close behind her, letting his hands graze her waist as his arms went around her to tie the belt. She was trembling even harder, her eyes reflecting her desire and love for him. All trace of her pain had gone as she watched him back, leaning against him for the first time to savour the feel of him against her once more.

Cullen had never had his limits tested as much as he had at that point. Well aware Leanea could feel how hard he was just as he knew how wet she would be for him, he let his hands run up her sides again as the belt was done, sitting on her hips. He twisted her hair around over one shoulder before leaning into her neck, dropping a kiss just behind her ear.

‘Leanea,’ he whispered, his voice unsteady as his hand stroked her neck and other shoulder, feeling her relax further into his caress as he looked at her eyes in the mirror once more. ‘I love you. But I don’t want to ruin things between us. If I kiss you right now we will end up making love. Incredible though that would be, I confess I’m also afraid of doing something monumentally stupid.’

Her good hand had come up to stroke his arm, running along his shoulder to cup his neck as he kissed her neck again, feeling her shiver. ‘Maker, I love you, Cullen. To have you here, to feel your skin on mine and to have you so close……I want you so badly. But you are right. I know we have to talk. I just….I missed you.’

‘I missed you too. More than you can know.’ He turned her around to face him then, pressing a kiss to her forehead before holding her tight. ‘We will find a way to fix all of this. I promise.’

Leaena put her arm around his waist, the two of them relaxing against one another for a bit until she pressed a kiss to his chest, smiling slightly as she looked up. ‘Thank you for your help. Getting things off was fine but getting them back on again was a different story. I was feeling a bit frantic and I was so pleased you decided to come and see me.’

‘Any time, my lady. If you need my help, just let me know. Are you ready to go? Much though I would rather stay here with you, there are some matters you need to address,’ He reluctantly released her, turning to pull his jacket on.

She sighed. ‘You do realise that I have completely ignored anything to do with the Inquisition since the moment you set foot in the keep, Commander?’ Leaena smiled ruefully. ‘I suppose I should deal with all of that now.’

‘I’m sorry, Inquisitor,’ he said laughing. ‘I can’t complain. I am glad things are better between us.’

‘Me too,’ she said with a smile, using her staff for support to walk as they left.

She looked at him again, laughing as they reached his quarters. ‘I have never seen your hair so untidy, Cullen, not even in Ostwick. What in Andraste’s name have you been doing?’

‘I hadn’t thought about it, to be honest. Other things seemed more important,’ he replied absently, realising half of it was in his eyes as he brushed it away before holding the door open for her to go inside. ‘Just give me a moment to change.’ He threw the jacket to one side on the bed as he looked for another shirt. Feeling her eyes on him he looked at her, a flush spread across his face again.

‘If you want to get some work done, Leanea, you really shouldn’t look at me like that,’ he said softly, none of the desire he’d had earlier having left him.

‘You’re ruining my fun, Cullen. You just look so good I can’t help but indulge myself.’ Her eyes were full of her admiration and lust before she sighed in resignation. ‘You’re right. Tell me what I have missed.’

He pulled his shirt on quickly, ignoring the jacket as he helped her to her feet. ‘We have disturbing news, Inquisitor,’ he said, serious for the first time.

‘What’s wrong?’ she replied, immediately alert.

‘I’ll let Varric and Leliana explain further but it seems someone has been interfering with our communications network.’ He let the implications of that sink in whilst he arranged for a message to get to the others.

‘Fuck. Who would dare?’ Leaena looked furious. ‘And there’s nothing we can do about it from here is there? No. Let’s go. I will see Solas later.’

\-----

They went off to meet with Cadan, Leliana and Varric. Lea was still in a fair amount of pain from her arm, but refusing to give into it until she discovered more about what had gone on.

She smiled as she looked at Cullen again, enjoying having his shirt on which meant she could smell the woody-citrus scent of him wherever she went.

_Maker, it feels amazing to have him by my side once more._

_Just one touch from him and the hurt disappeared. How can all that pain have gone so quickly?_

She didn’t have much time to think about the incredibly sensual experience of him getting her dressed, of all things, but then when he was around, particularly with no shirt on, there wasn’t room for much else in her mind apart from how to get him into bed.

_I still don’t understand. There is no way he sent those letters._

Cullen had been so gentle with her she had cried, taking care of her just as he always had done no matter what she was supposed to have written to him to make him that angry. He’d treated her with such sensitivity, not to mention restraint, when Lea had been about to lock her door and not allow him to leave her room all night until they’d had an awful lot of sex, dodgy arm or not. Depending on which way she looked at it, fortunately or unfortunately, he had shown more presence of mind than she had.

_Regardless of the letters, there is all that happened before I left Skyhold that we need to talk about._

_But where did these terrible notes come from? And why?_

Lea didn’t know if Cullen had come to the same conclusion she had. At some point just now, she had felt something shift and change in him, like a weight had been lifted from him so maybe he had. Until she had figured out exactly what had happened, though, she would say nothing. Even knowing what she did, she felt unbelievably insecure around him still and she didn’t want to push anything.

‘Is your arm injured as well?’ She noticed he was favouring one arm more than the other where her Spirit blade had connected.

‘I’d forgotten how hard Spirits blade hit,’ he replied with a grin. ‘Here we are.’

She walked in to a look of shock on all three faces. Lea held up her hand.

‘Hello Cadan and Leliana. I’m glad you made it safely. And later with the questions. Tell me what we face.’ Lea decided to stand, walking to the map to look at the latest Inquisition activity.

‘As we discussed earlier, Inquisitor,’ Leliana said heavily, ‘someone is disrupting our communications. You remember I mentioned some crows going missing a few weeks ago? It was part of a wider problem.’

‘I think someone is intercepting your mail, Frosty. I do not have proof but I am working on it,’ Varric added.

Lea stood still for a moment feeling, for the hundredth time that day, fury raging through her as her eyes narrowed. She smacked her staff hard on the stone floor in her anger, a shot of ice running across the ground and freezing the chair in front of her, startling everyone as she lost control of herself for a second. She vaguely sensed Cullen quickly dispelling it for her.

‘Vivienne,’ she hissed. ‘You don’t need to bring me proof, Varric. This has her name all over it. What else would the manipulative, devious bitch do but try and make my life hell?’

_She did it. I have no idea how, but she sent them._

_I will kill her. She has interfered in my life for the last time._

‘Vivienne?’ Leliana said, surprised. ‘I thought you didn’t think she was a threat.’

‘I was very, very wrong. I am sorry. This is my failing, for not dealing with her when I should. You are not at fault, Leliana.’ She was shaking in anger and the age-old fear, memories returning to her once more, the room disappearing. All she saw were the walls of the Harrowing Chamber, the intense pain her body was in after being beaten numerous times, the Brand coming towards her.

The feel of Cullen, calming her down, letting his lyrium pull her close to him, reassuring her and sensing his love for her, slowly bought her back to reality.

‘Lea are you alright?’ Cadan asked, concerned. ‘I know this seems bad but she still has no power over you any more, you know.’

‘I know. But this is serious. How could I have been so blind?’ Her voice continued to shake.

_Because I was too busy thinking about what was easiest for myself._

_Running away yet again._

‘She spoke to me, just before you arrived back at Skyhold,’ Cullen said quietly, not wanting to upset her further but needing her to know the full extent of the conversation. ‘It was in her usual cryptic fashion. She banged on about how wonderful it was to have Templars, implied that because I no longer use lyrium I was somehow deficient and then alluded to the fact that Leliana no longer could keep track of everything that was going on which at the time seemed like nonsense. Shit,’ he swore as he remembered. ‘She also mentioned about a problem with a lyrium supply. If she’s been tampering with that I will break her neck myself.’

‘I’ll look into that,’ Cadan replied. ‘We do not want red lyrium being smuggled into Ferelden or any of the usual supply routes being disrupted. I have resources available.’

‘Thank you, Cadan. I’m sorry I didn’t mention this before. I wasn’t….’ Cullen stopped, not sure what to say.

_He was not well. Which I just made worse by disappearing._

‘It’s alright, Cullen. There wasn’t anything you could have done anyway. It was all Vivienne’s usual bullshit. She was testing us. In her usual arrogant fashion she gave away more than she realises. That whole act with rearranging Skyhold was to see how far she can push me.’ Lea had calmed down now sufficiently to try and figure out what they did next.

_Will the memory of the brand ever leave me?_

‘I’d advise you actually not retaliate right now,’ Varric said. ‘I’m gathering the evidence and I think you want to understand what is behind all of this. Don’t you?’ He was a bit unsure in the face of Lea’s anger.

‘Do I have to? Because right now I have every intention of ensuring Vivienne is dead at my feet the second after I next see her,’ she snarled, trying her best to not shoot off another bolt of ice in her fury.

‘Yes, sister, you do,’ Cadan reminded her. ‘Think. Vivienne did not act on her own. It takes resources to pull off what she has done.’

‘You’re spoiling things for me, Cadan, but I will forgive you this once. Venatori? I know she is an evil witch but I can’t see such a dedicated Circle mage like her succumbing to Corypheus’ charms,’ Lea spat furiously.

‘Orlais,’ Leliana declared suddenly. ‘I just had word about the peace talks. You will have just enough time to get back to Skyhold to prepare before heading to Val Royaeux for a grand ball. Josephine has arranged for an invitation via Duke Gaspard’s party. This must all be connected.’

Lea looked at Leliana in surprise. ‘Really? Orlais and Vivienne is an interesting notion, one I had not considered. We can’t rule out the Venatori either at this stage. The question still remains why? Aside from Vivienne being the succubus she is, of course.’

‘I want more on Celene and Gaspard too please. Do we have any trusted agents who can work on this for us?’ she asked next. Both Cadan and Leliana nodded.

‘We will deal with it.’ Leliana confirmed. ‘Cadan and I will have another sweep of Skyhold which is where the concentration of the problem seems to be. Josephine will get to work on her connections. We will have to leave Vivienne in place for the time being but our backup communications plan is already in place.’

‘Where are our troops, Cullen? I am working on the assumption we don’t all get ground to a pulp on the walls of Adamant - and that we manage to get rid of this posturing magister, returning the Grey Wardens to their original purpose.’ Lea stared at the map, trying to calculate time.

‘I believe we can attack in ten days, maybe even earlier if they continue with the progress they have made. I’m waiting for the final scouting report from Stroud and Hawke who depart tomorrow.’ Cullen replied.

‘There is something else,’ Lea added. ‘She is also angling to become the next Divine.’

‘What!’ Leliana said in astonishment. ‘How would that even be possible?’

‘I have absolutely no idea.’ Lea felt confused about that point too. ‘Sera found some correspondence for me which indicated she is manoeuvring for position to become a candidate.’

_Shit. That is why she has ruined my correspondence. She is retaliating against me._

‘Maker’s Breath, that would be a fucking disaster,’ Cadan said in horror. ‘We have to prevent it somehow.’

‘There are quite a few clerics friendly to us after we saw off Grand Cleric Iona, not to mention a few others now we have the support of the Chantry. I will give their details to you, Leliana.’ Lea could see Cullen’s face was equally appalled.

‘Do,’ Leliana said, furious. ‘The woman has no limit to her drive for power. We will put an end to her ambition for once and for all soon.’

‘Alright,’ Lea said, wanting to finish, feeling the tremors about to rack her body once more. ‘There is nothing to do but wait it out. As we return to Skyhold from here we can decide how to handle the viper in the nest. I will, one way or another, shut her down this time. I apologise for not having done so before.’

‘We all missed it, Lea,’ Cadan said gently. ‘Remember, she is a master in the Game.’

‘How could I forget? I clearly did,’ Lea forcibly pushed her fear and loathing to one side. ‘And a ball you said, Leliana? I will have to go shopping. Who’s going from our side?’

‘All of us plus the companions of your choice….yes, you too, Cullen,’ Leliana said warningly as they all laughed at his groan.

‘Why do you need me there?’ he complained. ‘There is nothing I can do with a roomful of Orlesian nobles.’

‘You’d be surprised, Commander. I’m sure you’ll find it a most entertaining evening,’ Leliana laughed, a knowing smile on her lips as he shook his head in resignation.

_Cullen? A ball? That will be interesting._

_If I can even figure out how to put a dress on. Doing the basics, like kicking a certain mage out of my fortress, seem to have escaped me lately._

‘Is there anything else? Well, thank you all. Varric, keep us posted. It is late – get some rest everyone.’ Lea was about to leave when Leliana stopped her.

‘Can we talk about the situation with Josie?’ she asked.

‘What situation with Josie?’ Cadan said, walking forward. ‘Don’t try and hide it from me, Leliana – I will find out one way or another.’

‘The contract by the House of Repose….’ Leliana didn’t get a chance to continue as Cadan swore loudly.

‘Fuck it, why didn’t either of you tell me?’ he almost shouted.

‘Cadan, it isn’t our business to tell that’s why,’ Lea said softly, knowing he still was in pain. ‘There is an ancient contract on her family’s life should she trade in Orlais again from another family that no longer exists. She wishes to try and elevate one branch of the family back to noble status so she can cancel the contract.’

‘That’s such a Josie response, and the most long-winded process I’ve ever heard of. It will take months,’ he said irritably. ‘Why don’t we just go and destroy the contract?’

‘Exacty what I was going to suggest,’ Leliana agreed. ‘I can have one of my agents do it discretely. Then the whole thing will never have existed and the attacks will stop.’

‘I’ll do it,’ he replied. ‘We have to go to Val Royaeux anyway for the peace talks. I will head there once we are done with Adamant. I need to do this for her, Lea,’ he said quietly.

Lea nodded, hating to see him upset. ‘Deal with it. And make it better between you.’

He nodded as they left the room, leaving Varric and Leliana in further discussion. ‘Now can I ask about the enormous bruise you have on your jaw and the split lip, Lea?’ Cadan grinned at them both.

‘The hilt of Cullen’s sword is surprisingly solid. Particularly twice in a row,’ Lea laughed, trying to hide from her twin the nightmare she felt like she was moving through.

_Except Cullen knows. And he’s going to make me talk about it._

‘Lea, twice? You should know better than that,’ Cadan joked.

‘She still won, don’t forget,’ Cullen replied with a smile at her that went a bit of a way to helping her feel slightly less wretched.

‘Only just,’ she replied lightly. ‘And the way you flipped me onto my back and twisted this poor arm of mine means I may need to get Solas out of the Fade to help me.’

Cadan wished them both a good evening as he left. Lea thought he looked more hopeful than he had done for a very long time.

Solas, fortunately was still awake, looking at both of them like errant children, not bothering to hide his entertainment at their appearance. He used a spell on her arm then strapped it tightly before he checked Cullen’s nose again. They were sent off with some potions to help dull the pain.

‘It will heal quickly, da’len, but if you want to be ready for the upcoming battle you must rest it completely. No more training for now,’ he instructed her firmly. ‘You must watch that she doesn’t overdo things, Commander. Lea has not had enough rest. And neither, for that matter, have you.’

Lea smiled properly for the first time since setting foot in the meeting room as Cullen looked suitably admonished.

‘Ma serannas, falon,’ Lea said gratefully as they left, the elf giving her one of his rare smiles. 

\--------

They both stood outside in the hall looking at each other, Lea feeling suddenly very unsure of herself again. Not to mention, useless, stupid and incompetent.

_I just want to tell him I love him and I know for a certainty he didn’t send those letters. The bitch whore who crossed over from the Veil just to plague me did it instead._

_Now I think about it I can’t bloody well believe I fell for it in the first place. So why can’t I find the words to tell him?_

She swayed slightly then, exhaustion, hunger and sheer despondency hitting her. Cullen immediately put his arm around her, kissing the top of her head as she leaned against him, drawing on his strength again as she always did to help her get through the horror of the memories.

‘Don’t worry,’ he whispered. ‘This is not your fault, my lady. Even though I know you think it is.’

He tilted her face up, looking at her sternly. ‘When did you last eat anything? You have lost weight, Leaena. And you certainly don’t need to.’

She blinked as she tried to remember. ‘Will you tell me off if I said I can’t recall? Maybe yesterday?’

He took her hand as he steered her towards the kitchens. ‘It has been such a long day – so much has happened. We will both get something to eat. And then we will go back to your room, which is ten times the size of mine, and we will see what to do then.’

Suddenly he looked more vulnerable than Lea had ever seen him as he looked at her uncertainly, making her want to kiss him and run her hands through his hair. ‘Only if you want to. I mean, I understand….’

‘Are you not tired? I don’t mind…’ she tailed off as they both spoke at once in their nervousness.

This time it was his turn to put a finger to her lips, smiling at her as she savoured the sensation of his touch.

‘I’m fine. Let’s raid the kitchen right now. I just have to stop by my quarters and we will head back to yours.’ He carried on walking, not letting go of her hand as he continued to reassure her in an attempt to make her relax through his lyrium.

They quickly organised a sandwich for themselves, eating as they walked back. Before Lea knew it they were at her quarters once more.

‘Let’s just sit on the bed,’ Lea said absently as she tried to get her boots off herself.

_Shit. This is an uncomfortable position._

‘Leaena, you look like you’re trying to emulate a preying mantis! What in the Maker’s name are you doing?’ Cullen asked in some amazement as he looked across at her, standing in the most awkward angle she could imagine whilst she tried to pull her boot off herself.

‘I….just wanted….oh!’ Cullen had picked her up as if she weighed no more than a feather and sat her back on the bed as he quickly took the boots off for her, making sure not to catch her cuts. Her legs free, she smiled at him in gratitude.

‘Thank you. I don’t think I’ll try that again in a hurry. Different boots tomorrow definitely. Ow,’ she grimaced as she felt her arm twinge. She sat back against the wall, getting comfortable on the bed as he came to sit next to her, his hands full.

‘I bought you something that you might like.’ He flushed a bit at that, making her curious as to what it was.

_Do you have any idea how much I missed you?_

_Not doing all the little things I normally do to remind me of you was yet another form of torture._

‘Oh…..’ Lea’s eyes filled with tears as he put down some toffee and poured her a glass of whiskey. ‘How did you know?’

He was even redder now as he took a drink to cover his embarrassment. ‘Well….I was so angry when I left Skyhold. But then Cassandra said something that made me have a glimmer of hope while we were travelling across Orlais. She said you’d begged her to look after me whilst you were gone. And that the way you’d been was not someone who wanted me to leave the Inquisition. So, just in case, I picked these up for you. I….I hope that’s alright.’

_Leave the Inquisition! What the fuck did those letters say!_

‘Of course it is,’ she gave him a big smile as she reached for a piece of toffee. ‘I, um, I hadn’t bought any on this trip. So now I have a supply again. Thank you.’

_He must never, ever know!! I would curl up and die!_

She took a nervous sip, suddenly hating that they couldn’t be relaxed with one another as they had been so used to. Here they were, sitting barefooted on her bed, having a nightcap as they had done so many times in the past, yet they were struggling to talk to one another because of what had happened.

_Because of her._

A shudder suddenly ripped through her. She couldn’t hold back the visions any more. They assaulted her suddenly, leaving her gasping for air and as if she’d been punched in the stomach as she bent forward, trying to escape the pain searing through her.

‘Leaena, can you tell me what’s going on right now?’ Cullen gently urged her, his golden eyes filled with sympathy and understanding as he took her hand.

_If I want this to work, there will be no more secrets._

‘Cullen….Maker….I don’t even know where to begin.’ She looked at her feet. ‘I am such an idiot. Because of me, the Inquisition could have been seriously compromised. I should have dealt with Vivienne before. I was too scared. And her viciousness has permeated into every single thing I’ve done. My whole life - I’ve never been free of her and her actions. And now I wonder if I ever will.’

Lea drank some more, her hand shaking. ‘I never told you what actually happened that day. They….they beat me. For hours in their dungeons. The Templars. They bound me so tight I could feel the blood trickling down my wrists and ankles. That’s what those scars are from. I know they are barely visible but they still remind me. Every scream, they beat me more. My face was a pulp, my ribs broken. I still remember the feel of plate gauntlets smashing into my face. I fought them hard – I got two of the bastards down before they managed to restrain me, my hands so high up my back I thought my arms would snap off.’

Cullen’s face was in shock as he looked at her, saying nothing.

‘They dragged me through the halls of the Circle as an example to all the other mages. Trussed up, screaming still, bleeding everywhere, desperate for someone to save me. They wanted to instil even more fear into the mages to keep them in line. Trystan said he heard me from the other side of the Circle whilst he was trying to get enough Ostwick knights together to get me back. Then I was in their Harrowing Chamber. That’s when they gagged me, so much cloth in my mouth I needed to be sick. I was unable to breathe almost. They said I was a shame to all mages, too close to becoming an abomination and too out of control if I had done something so against the rules as have an affair with a Templar. Their knights then beat me further as they tied me to the marble slab in preparation for the Rite. They left….’

She couldn’t carry on, unable to continue for a minute as her mind battled to stay in the present.

‘They left the blindfold off so I could watch the whole thing unfold in front of me. The chanting, the Templars beginning to use their powers to supress the magic even as they tore open the Fade to get enough power to end my connection to it through the lyrium brand. I have never been so terrified. The Knight-Commander marched towards me, lowering the brand even closer to my forehead, telling me I was worthless, that I was an embarrassment. Then literally as he was halfway to me, Trystan burst in, throwing his dagger to distract him. It hit his wrist, making him jerk back. Thank the Maker it worked.’ Lea hadn’t even realised her tears had started to pour again as she wiped her eyes, still staring sightlessly out, her voice toneless.  

‘I was left lying there as an enormous row broke out. He was only a junior Templar at the time and they threatened him with all kinds of things. But he stood his ground until one of our Lieutenants came to take over. I was dumped still in a cell, finally unbound, refused healing until I gathered enough mana to do what I could to repair the worst of the damage. Trystan refused to leave my side. We then found out, as you know, Vivienne had ordered it all. The violence, the example. She ruled her apprentices with an iron fist and wanted all the mages cowed as well as take out a rival.’ Lea looked at Cullen again then, feeling desperate.

‘I’m so frightened, Cullen. I’m so fucking tired of being scared. That she’s done all that she has done – I am so angry but I feel so paralysed, like I am such a failure. Andraste help me, this nearly broke us and now I just don’t know what to do…….I miss you…..it’s all my fault……I hate this so much……I’m so sorry I put you through this…….’

Lea didn’t realise the gasping sobs and the incoherent words were coming from her as all the pain, anxiety, fear, hatred and anguish of the last few weeks suddenly caught up with her. It hit her hard, making her shake further with the intensity of everything happening at once. The exhaustion had left her drained of anything but a deep sadness and horror as to how she’d let this all happen in the first place.

Almost not realising it was her body shaking, she let herself go to the emotions coursing through her. She was vaguely aware of his arms around her as he lifted her up gently to put her in his lap, holding her tightly to him, kissing her softly as he stroked her hair, telling her how much he loved her, it would all be alright and he would never leave her.

Dimly her mind went back to all those months ago, when he’d done exactly the same thing in Val Royaeux after she had faced down the same demon, making her cry even more for all she feared they may have lost. She was unable to comprehend why Cullen would still want to be with her after everything she had done to him, after everything she had taken from him and still continued to do so even now.

Slowly, Lea’s tears and shaking subsided as her mind gradually came back from the dark place it had been residing in. Her head was buried in Cullen’s neck as he cradled her gently in his arms, her good arm wrapped around his neck, clinging onto him as if he was about to disappear again. She was also nearly asleep, the storm that had passed through leaving her ready for oblivion.

He sensed her being back and held her tight to him. ‘How are you feeling?’

‘I’m so tired,’ she whispered, unable to summon any embarrassment for the most basic need she had for him to be with her. ‘Would you stay with me tonight? Please? I never have nightmares if you are here.’

‘Did you think I would leave you when you are like this? Of course I will stay. Give me a moment.’ He moved her from his lap and lay her down on the bed, moving over to get his cloak before coming to lie behind her, putting his arms around her as he made sure she was right up against him whilst making sure she was covered by his cloak. It was the escape from Haven all over again.  

‘Comfortable?’ he asked as he kissed the back of her neck.

‘I am,’ she replied, feeling relaxed once more, the visions slowly disappearing.

‘I’m so sorry you went through that Leanea,’ he whispered after a moment. To her surprise, she felt a dampness on the back of her neck, making her turn around to look at him. Cullen had tears slowly rolling down his face with a look of such sorrow that made her soul cry out that he was in such pain too.

‘No, it’s alright, honestly.’ Lea wiped them away from his face gently with her fingers. The sight of him crying sent an unbearable ache through her heart. ‘You have been through so much, Cullen, and survived. I wish I had half your strength.’

She kissed him then, slowly, not knowing what else to do to reassure him, needing to be as close to him as possible. Her tongue slowly slid into his mouth, gently teasing his all whilst she felt almost overwhelmed with pleasure that she could taste him once more, the citrus mingled in with the salt of his tears. The light pressure of her lips on his made her feel such relief that he was there, real, right in front of her.

His hand stroked her face gently as he kissed her back whilst she let her fingers roam across his face and back to tease his hair, in a familiar, much loved pattern. Lea felt him slowly start to feel a bit better, just as his exhaustion started to finally catch up with him.

She looked at him as she lifted her lips from his. ‘You are tired too, Cullen. I am sorry that it has been so hard for you.’ 

‘‘You make me feel alive, Leaena. I can face anything now I am with you,’ he murmured, half-asleep, his words making a warm heat spread through her and removing the final chills she’d had. ‘You must rest now. I will be here in the morning. Everything will resolve itself.’

Sleep claimed them both almost instantly. The last thing on Lea’s mind before she fell asleep was the resounding belief that they could actually make it through this. Love might just be enough.


	64. In Death, Sacrifice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is violent. Someone got mad.

_The one who repents, who has faith,_  
_Unshaken by the darkness of the world,  
_ _She shall know true peace._

She was praying as she tumbled towards the Abyss and her death, her lips moving soundlessly to the age-old words flashing through her mind. A huge piece of masonry smashed into her left side, spinning her even more uncontrollably in the air as she felt agonising pain stabbing through her shoulder.

Her feeling of total and utter abject failure was complete as she knew the future she and Dorian had seen would come to pass. Cullen would end his life in a futile attempt to prevent Thedas from being consumed by Corypheus and his horde of demons.

All Lea could sense was Cullen’s outright terror and utter desolation as he saw her fall, unable to do anything but stand and watch her die. The bitter regret he had for leaving things as they were between them was coursing through him. She realised she’d not asked for his forgiveness before she’d disappeared through the gates of Adamant Fortress to tackle the demons within – she hadn’t apologised. Lea foolishly thought she would have the chance to later. Now it was too late. Life really was that short.

The ground was rushing towards her at lightning speed. Sudden inspiration struck her as she saw what she could do to save them, fighting to get her now immobile left arm to move against the pressure around her. Lea ignored the excruciating pain as she finally managed to thrust her hand forward, a blast of green energy appearing before them all as she opened a huge rift just in time to prevent their deaths.

There was no chance to think further as she passed through the blinding green light, leaving the world as she knew it behind her.

\-------

Clouds the shade of nightmares had descended, turning the brightness of the day to a murky black. Thunder repeatedly rolled as lightning cracked through the heavens, joining the power of the trebuchets in shaking the fortress to its very foundations. 

Cullen was staring up in horror, the raging battle in front of him forgotten momentarily as the archdemon crashed into the side of the fortress then flew away, wounded by Clarel’s final blast. He had to watch Leanea and the others run for their lives even as he realised they wouldn’t make it. She was going to die.

He felt nothing but helplessness as he watched their bodies in the air far above spin round in their rapid descent to the earth beneath. He sensed Leaena’s devastation and her anguish that, ultimately, Corypheus would win. He shared too, her acute sorrow for not having a chance to put right everything that was so wrong between them. He was filled with regret that he had not tried harder or done more to make it all better, the harsh words he’d spoken to her the night before the battle yet again cutting his soul in pieces. There was no more time left.

Just then, he felt hope surge through her as a brilliant green flash of light shot across the ground near the fortress’ base. Cullen’s fear escalated as he realised she’d opened a rift. Powerless to do anything useful, he saw all of them fall through before it closed with a thunderclap. He immediately lost all sense of Leanea’s magic as they disappeared, leaving him completely bereft.

_She’s gone._

_But she is still alive. I must have faith._

‘Andraste watch over them,’ he said quietly as he stood in shock. ‘Did they just physically enter the Fade?’

Dorian nodded next to him, equally stunned. ‘I do not know how this is going to play out, Cullen. I don’t need to state the dangers. But the magic of Lea’s Mark is beyond any power we know. Solas and Hawke are with her. They will find a way.’

Cullen shrugged. There was nothing else to say that would remove the ice within him. He thought back to that first battle so long ago, where she’d first fallen at his feet out of a rift, caused again by the magic from her Mark. Perhaps the same thing would happen here. It was their only chance.

He noticed Erimond crawling away. Fury like he’d never experienced before suddenly rampaged through him. It would only be satisfied by blood and vengeance.

Now was not the time for regret and sadness. There was still hope and a battle to be won.

_Would she mind if I just chopped off his head?_

He looked at Bull, Dorian and Cassandra as he drew his sword. ‘They live still. That is the main thing. Let’s finish securing the fortress and await their return. My scouts tell me some of the Wardens have joined us and that there is a rift in the main hall – it’s possible they may reappear there. The fighting is the most intense in that area as well.’

‘What about the magister?’ Dorian called, casting a barrier for everyone as they started to push forwards through the main gate. ‘Are we drawing straws as to who gets to kill him? Even for a Tevinter he was full of it.’

‘Erimond is mine,’ Cullen growled, the satisfaction of cleaving the head straight off a possessed mage before taking the arm off another not nearly enough to sate the bloodlust now roaring in his ears. It was screaming for revenge against who and what had taken Leaena away from him. ‘I can disrupt anything he tries on us. Those Templars we sent to Varric's cousin had such fun by the way. The mages had no idea what hit them.’

Dorian laughed, raising an army of undead to join their fight. ‘Maevaris had a ball. She almost wants to do it all over again.’

‘That spell of yours always reminds me of home, Dorian,’ Cassandra said. She stopped a storm of arrows with her shield from hitting the mage as Dorian sent a blaze of fire to engulf another set of demons by the far door.

‘You’re not playing fair, Cullen,’ Bull said with a grin, thoroughly enjoying the fight. He brained one Warden and rapidly landed his axe in the middle of another demon straight after. ‘The Boss always keeps the good ones to kill herself too.’

‘If some crazy Tevinter magister called down an archdemon that made Dorian fall head first into the Abyss, the only way to save him being to physically enter the Fade, then wouldn’t you want to take the fucker’s head off yourself?’ Cullen ruthlessly cut the magic off from another warden, taking a perverse delight at their strangled gasps as he killed him rapidly with a thrust through his heart. He’d stopped noticing the blood and gore landing on him some time ago.

‘He has a point Bull,’ Cassandra said as she looked absently at the pile of dead bodies at her feet before they all carried on towards the main hall.

‘True. You owe me though.’ Bull grunted. ‘There’s your rift, Cullen.’

They ran in, the fighting hard as demons continued to pour forth. ‘We need to get higher,’ Cullen shouted across the noise, people screaming in their death throes, demons howling their mindless call.

He spotted Erimond then, trying to slink past the fighting on the upper terraces. Any tiredness Cullen felt was wiped out at the need to reach the man who responsible for casting Leaena into the Abyss. He dodged through the skirmishes, smashing the hilt of his sword into the face of a Warden who tried to get in his way, not even realising that more blood had spattered all over him at the force of the blow as he finally made it up the steps.

‘Going somewhere, Lord Erimond?’ Cullen drawled as he strode slowly towards the magister, his sword raised, glinting streaks of deep red as lightning struck above their heads. ‘And we were only just getting acquainted.’

‘Commander,’ Erimond sneered, lifting his hands to start casting a spell, his staff lost to the Abyss, his words designed to push Cullen beyond his limits. ‘I see your pet Inquisitor has disappeared into the Fade, never to return. Such a pity. She was a rare beauty. I would have enjoyed taming the bitch to serve at my pleasure - she'd make a first class whore. But you'd know already wouldn't you?'

_Your life is mine. I will bring you pain like you have never imagined._

Cullen didn’t even bother replying, his only focus being to inflict as much agonising damage on the man in front of him for what he'd done. Brushing aside the fireball, dispelling everything else around him and starting to drain Erimond’s mana, he immediately Silenced the mage, seeing the terror rise in the man’s eyes as he dropped to his knees, unable to reach his magic for the first time in his life.

He opened his mouth to plead with Cullen, who bore down on him in a rage, uninterested in anything the magister had to say. He kicked him fully in the face, sending Erimond sprawling, his eyes rolling back in his head as Cullen kneeled on the man’s chest and smacked him in the face. ‘You made my pet Inquisitor go away, Erimond,’ he said venomously. ‘I will make you pay.’

Cullen grabbed the man by his hair, pulling him to his feet and backhanding him hard across his cheek so he staggered back. He hit the wall as blood streamed from his nose and jaw, both of which Cullen had broken with the strength of his strike. ‘The Inquisitor could have taught you a valuable lesson. Never rely just on your magic to survive. Especially not against a Templar.’

His fist flew into the other side of Erimond’s jaw with such force the back of his head snapped back as he howled in agony. ‘You’re making this all too easy for me. I thought Tevinter magisters were supposed to be the very best. What a disappointment you have turned out to be.’

Erimond’s face was a mess, skin hanging off in large chunks where Cullen’s gauntlets had ripped into him, his teeth shattered in his mouth as he tried to spit out the worst of the fragments. His lip was busted open, shredded completely and his eyes barely open from the swelling the skin already going purple.

As the mage desperately tried to cast again, Cullen simply Silenced him once more, grabbing his head and slamming it firmly against the wall before spinning him round and kneeing him hard in the groin. ‘I thought you were supposed to be all powerful,’ he snarled, watching as Erimond sank to the ground, blood now pouring from his mouth along with his vomit, choking out his wails, his hands clutching his sides. ‘But the reality is you're a fucking pathetic joke – absolutely nothing without your master’s little archdemon to give you the balls you so clearly lack.’

Cullen’s right boot landed hard in Erimond’s kidneys once more. He heard another grunt of pain from the magister as his ribs cracked audibly on one side, rolling across the floor with the force of the blow, about to faint at the agony he was in. Cullen wasn't done with him yet, having pushed the magister to the point of unconsciousness but knowing he could go a bit further still.  Grabbing the man by his hair, kneeling with force right in the middle of Erimond’s back, he yanked his head back and pressed his sword hard against Erimond’s neck, blood trickling in a line from his Adam’s apple as the magister struggled not to choke.

‘If it were left to me I’d beat the living shit out of you before coming back for more. There are many ways I can keep you just alive enough so you’ll be in a broken world of pain forever,’ Cullen hissed, feeling the shudder of horror from the mage as he Silenced him yet again for the sheer pleasure of tormenting him further. He smacked the back of Erimond’s head into the ground where he'd vomited, with the hilt of his sword before dragging it back and placing his blade against his neck once more. Blood seeped from the ripped skin now at the base of his skull.

‘It is, however, your lucky day. The Inquisitor is most benevolent. Unlike me, she finds it preferable to sit in judgement first before executing her enemies. I would hate to let her down by simply killing you like the vermin you are. But just for you, you arrogant cunt, I’m going to recommend to her a special punishment. Can you guess what it is?’ Cullen’s voice turned malicious, smelling the piss from the other man who’d just wet himself, mixing with the blood and sick now covering the floor as he started to shake in fear.

Standing, kicking the mage once more in his back before dragging Erimond to his feet, he grabbed his arm, pushing it behind his back and forced the magister to walk forwards, Cullen’s sword still at his neck. The mage had no mana left, Cullen having drained it all a while before. Seeing as the other man hated being cut off from the Fade so much, he Silenced him yet again. ‘Who’s the bitch now, Erimond?’ Cullen’s laugh was cold, devoid of humour as he remembered Leaena's terror as she fell, making him twist the magister’s hand higher, hearing him squeal like a stuck pig.

The fury at what this man had done to Leaena was still flowing within him as he shoved off the body of the dead Warden from the sacrificial table and dropped the mage down roughly there instead. Erimond had by now fainted away from the pain.

_Pity I can't carry on. But then again, Leaena really doesn’t like too much mess._

Cullen strapped the magister tightly to the marble, securing his hands and feet. The Tevinter was going nowhere until Leaena got back. He saw Erimond stir slightly, his eyes opening.

'Mercy....' he croaked, his face chalk white as he stared up at Cullen.

'I don't fucking think so, you piece of nugshit. Would you have offered the Inquisitor the same? Before or after you fed her to an archdemon?' Cullen punched him again hard to knock Erimond out once more, growling with rage as he spat in his face. He still wasn't satisfied by the crunch of plate gauntlets on the bone he heard breaking in the magister’s cheek.

_Nothing will satisfy me until she is here again._

He gagged the mage then too, disinterested in any calls for him to be merciful. He saw the blood begin to pool underneath where he'd cracked his skull earlier, but knew the man would survive to receive Leaena's justice. The delivery of his wrath had been carefully calculated to ensure maximum pain but making sure Erimond stayed alive.

The battle was still raging, the demons neverending. He reluctantly left the magister where he was as he found a scout to get an update.

‘The main fight is in here,’ he shouted to the others as he rejoined them, his sword flying through the legs of a Terror. ‘The rest of the fortress is secure, as is Erimond. We just need to make sure he stays out.’

‘Just one punch isn’t enough vengeance for me, Cullen,’ Bull roared with a grin. ‘Nice work up there by the way. Hope he shit himself.’

‘Not quite,’ Cullen replied, somehow managing to grin back even through the chaos and the solid block of ice still within his chest at the memory of Leaena tumbling through the Fade. He pushed two Wardens away with his shield, spinning them to Cassandra who finished them off. ‘You know the Inquisitor. She likes to keep things tidy.’

‘How much more of this, Cullen?’ Dorian was beginning to lose his mana.

‘Go and mind that bastard up there. We’ll watch you. Feel free to club him to sleep if he wakes. I will keep the Silence up. We have to keep at this for as long as it takes and give them a chance to come back to us.’ He tried to keep the desperation from his voice as he let himself be absorbed by the rhythm of the battle.

_I have to give her a chance to come back to me._

\-----

Lea was floating upside down. A position she wasn’t fond of. And certainly not when she wasn’t sure if she was alive or not. The burning pain in her left arm suggested that she might have managed to survive. The green eerie light and that quiet hum told her she had to be in the Fade.

‘Am I dead?’ Nathalie asked, standing sideways.

‘If so, then I’m seriously disappointed in what’s beyond the Veil,’ Varric grumbled. ‘How the fuck do I get down from here?’

Lea somehow moved her legs around as she fell flat on the floor from her precarious position. ‘Damn! How did you two get down so gracefully?’ Nathalie and Varric were now standing properly, trying not to laugh at her.

_And there’s the reason why we had another blazing argument._

Lea looked around for Blackwall and Stroud, also making it down and walking towards them as she swallowed a potion to take away the pain in her arm.

‘Are you both alright?’ she asked.

‘Fine here. Where are we?’ Blackwall asked.

‘We are in the Fade,’ Solas murmured in awe. ‘Lea opened a rift and we survived! I never thought I would find myself physically here before.’

‘Physically?’ Natalie said in shock.

‘It would appear so,’ he replied excitedly. ‘Look….the Black City. Almost close enough to touch!’

‘It is incredible. All your Midwinters have come at once, falon,’ Lea replied with a smile as Solas looked around him. Even given the position they found themselves in, it was fun to see the elf in such raptures.

‘But what are we doing here?’ Varric questioned.

Lea let Solas explain. It was complicated, but the Mark had saved them. She looked around her, having never seen the Fade like this before. As she heard him finish, she winced at her arm, trying not to move it.

‘Inquisitor, are you in pain?’ Blackwall had come to stand beside her. ‘Your shoulder seems to be causing you some trouble.’

‘Cullen caught me there in training a few days ago and then some rock hit it as we fell,’ she said, absently rubbing at it. ‘I’ll survive.’

‘I have some knowledge of these types of injuries. I can ease the pain if you wish,’ he offered.

Solas was still waving his arms in the air as he and Nathalie were exchanging theories. Her shoulder really was sore and she wasn’t expecting their journey through the Fade to be an easy one.

‘Thank you. I would appreciate it.’ She waited as Blackwall stretched her arm out, finding the right point and started putting pressure at various parts of her shoulder with his hands.

_He would flip out if he ever finds out. Even though there is nothing remotely sexual about this._

Cullen had gone into another temper when he heard she was intending on taking Blackwall into Adamant Fortress, his emotions still raw from the weeks before. He wasn’t a Grey Warden but he had more knowledge about them than anyone else in the group and it seemed the only decision she could make. Lea hadn’t bothered to argue back at the time, just shouting back a few choice words, getting frustrated and walking off. The whole thing was ridiculous. Then, of course, they launched the attack giving her no time to apologise.

After that night where things had started to improve between them, Lea hadn’t seen Cullen until a few hours before the attack, his duties taking him elsewhere. It was still not right between them both. They were, in fact, decidedly odd and she still didn’t know what to do about it.

_Getting out of here would be a good start._

_What a stupid fight that was. And the letters, Skyhold – all of it._

When one was hurtling towards one’s death, she realised it put all sorts of things into perspective.

‘That feels much better,’ Lea said with a smile, able to move her arm once more.

‘You are welcome, Inquisitor,’ he replied gruffly, not meeting her eyes as he turned away.

‘Well, we’re all alive which is helpful,’ Lea said to the group. ‘What next?’

They all discussed what the best course of action was, deciding to head towards the rift in the distance.

‘It’s not the area I would have chosen, of course,’ Solas said to Lea as they walked off. ‘But to physically walk in the Fade…’

‘Don’t get distracted by your studies,’ Blackwall interrupted. ‘This is a dangerous place.’

Lea and Solas both looked at him somewhat incredulously.

‘Why, thank you for the warning,’ Solas replied sarcastically as they returned to their conversation.

_Pompous much? What a strange man he is._

They carried on for some time until they came across the spirit of Divine Justinia up ahead. The conversation threw Lea completely. Feeling more off balance than ever, determined to make her way out of this part of the Fade in one piece, she went around collecting her memories.

‘So you weren’t pushed out by Andraste,’ Varric said in confusion.

‘No. But then I never thought I was. This orb Corypheus has – it gave me my powers. I think he indicated that at Haven too,’ Lea said absently. To now remember what had happened that long ago day at the Temple of Sacred Ashes was unnerving.

‘Let’s keep moving. We know what we face in here now and how we can escape. This Nightmare won’t wait for us forever.’ Lea wanted to press on.

The fighting got more intense the closer they got to figuring a way out. Everyone focussed on ignoring what the demon was whispering to them, too intent on trying to escape. Lea then found out what she had always suspected – it had been the Divine behind her in the rift that moment she had been pushed out. There was no time to think further on what had happened, more spiders and more demons appearing around them as they got closer and closer to the end. Everyone was exhausted by now, trying to keep going and trying to not succumb to the relentless goading by the fear demon. Lea was getting a bit irritable with it. She knew exactly what her deepest fear was and didn't appreciate it being broadcast to the whole group.

_Red lyrium Cullen._

‘That is not good!’ Varric yelled as they ran after the spirit of the Divine, stopping suddenly as they turned the corner.

_Andraste give us strength._

_I need to get back to him. But how will we defeat this?_

The Nightmare had manifested itself in front of them – the biggest monster Lea had ever seen. Before she had time to worry about how they were going to escape it, the spirit they had been following to get to the rift shot in front of her.

‘Tell Leliana I failed her too,’ the spirit whispered to them all as it exploded in the Nightmare’s maw, pushing it back.

Lea ran forward with the others, attacking the Aspect immediately. ‘Let’s get out of here, everyone! The rift is just ahead!’

She could see it there, freedom beckoning, a way out of this hellish place. The Aspect was, however, one of the hardest things they’d ever faced as a group. Standing back with Solas, the attacks were furious on both sides, Terrors rising from the ground and hemming them all in closer.

‘We’re beating it!’ Nathalie cried after a time, everyone knowing they were fighting for their lives.

The Aspect was, finally, nearly dead. Just as Lea shot her final ice bolt, the thing spun in the air towards her. Not able to move away in time, it struck her fully up the right side of her body before it died. Lea screamed in pain, feeling the blood running from the gash, making her weak and breathless and driving her to her knees.

‘Shit, Frosty!’ Varric cried as they all looked at her in horror.

‘Potion…fuck!’ Lea moaned as she quickly drank what Solas handed to her. ‘There’s no time for healing – we have to leave!’

Staggering to her feet, she held the wound closed with one hand pressing hard on it. The Nightmare had risen again, blocking their path.

_Is this the end? In the Fade, bleeding to death whilst we all get eaten by a monster spider?_

_I am so fucked off with everything getting in between me and Cullen! First Corypheus, then Vivienne, now this....this.....I did not come all this way for this monstrosity to have me for dinner!_

Her anger sustaining her, Lea darted forward to the Nightmare to distract it before anyone could stop her. ‘Run for the rift everyone!’ she screamed at them. ‘Move, now!’

She watched all her companions fly through the rift as she shot more flames at the monster, when suddenly its attention was distracted from her.

‘Inquisitor, go! This is my battle, not yours!’ Stroud had taunted the beast to focus on him, attacking it ferociously. As she hesitated, he shouted at her again. ‘You are needed out there!’

Lightheaded through the loss of blood, pain searing through her, she stumbled towards the rift, tears in her eyes as she looked back once more at the brave Grey Warden who had sacrificed his life so they might escape. She then threw herself through the green light, the prayer she had recited earlier on her lips once more.

\-------

‘Cullen!’ He heard Nathalie call him as he was fighting against yet another demon coming through the rift. He was beyond tired, his troops nearly spent. They had been battling for hours with no respite.

_If that’s Hawke surely Leaena is there too?_

Incredulous hope rose through him as he saw everyone fall out of the rift – everyone except Leaena and Stroud. ’Where is she, Hawke?’ he shouted, desperate anxiety filling him.

‘She distracted this….thing so we could escape. I don’t know if she will make it. She was badly injured. Stroud stayed to help her,’ Nathalie replied frantically.

_She wouldn’t leave me. Leave the Inquisition. She will find a way._

The ice in Cullen’s chest intensified as he stood there, staring at the rift, murmuring a prayer. Precious seconds past by on what had to be the longest wait of his life before he was running, sensing her magic coming back to this world, weak because of the wound she'd sustained as he saw her body tumble out of the sickly green glow and hit the ground hard. He gathered her up in his arms, her ice blue eyes clouded with pain, her skin grey and deathly pale.

‘Leaena,’ he breathed in horror as he saw her blood still spreading across her armour, the skin torn and jagged on her side, the cut so deep it revealed bone from her ribs. ‘You need healing….’

‘Help me, Cullen,’ she interrupted him, her voice grating in her agony. ‘I have to close the rift. Behind it is something we do not want coming through here. Just hold my arm up.’  

He turned her to face the rift, holding up her left arm for her as he felt the power course through her body, shaking with the force of the green flame that shot out towards the rift, snapping closed after a few seconds. All the demons died around them, and any remaining Grey Warden mages lost the possession they had been under. Just like that, the fighting stopped. They had won.

‘We must stop making a habit of this, Commander,’ she said with the ghost of a smile as he carried her towards a spot he could lie her down on and get some healing done on her.

‘I completely agree, Inquisitor,’ he said, smiling back. All was right in his world again. ‘Every time you fall out of the Fade it means something bad has happened to you. It’s a situation I’d prefer you weren’t in.’

_She really is here. Maker, I was terrified I had lost her. For good this time._

Solas and Dorian were there as he gently set her down on a bench. ‘Drink this, da’len. Dorian and I will work on closing the wound. We are extremely lucky that was not darkspawn.’ Solas looked pointedly at Cullen. ‘We do need a bit of room, Commander.’

Leaena obediently drank the potion as Cullen reluctantly stepped back, looking aghast at the damage she had sustained, letting his lyrium flow estatcially around her magic, giving her his strength and letting her know of his love and sheer relief to have her back.

The whole of her right side had been torn open from her hip to her chest. Solas and Dorian then combined their magic to begin to cleanse then knit the wound together. ‘How was the Fade today, Lea?’ Dorian asked conversationally, trying to distract her. ‘The first time I went there, it looked like a lovely castle filled with gold and silks. I met a marvellous desire demon as I recall. We chatted and ate grapes. Before he tried to possess me.’

Leaena chuckled, trying not to wince. ‘Your version of the Fade sounds a whole lot more fun than what we had today. It was wet, dank and miserable with the most enormous spider I’ve ever seen. Not to mention a fear demon needling us at every opportunity. That monster was probably the size of this main hall, wouldn’t you say Solas?’

‘About that yes,’ Solas agreed, frowning in concentration as Cullen watched the two mages slowly knit her skin back together, repairing the damage to the muscles underneath at the same time. He could make out the delicate threads of Spirt they were using, green energy glowing from them both.

After a few more minutes, the elf declared them finished. ‘Rest, Inquisitor. That is all you need now. But it will take some time to recover from an injury this severe.' He looked approvingly at their efforts. 'You have a neat hand, Dorian.'

‘Of course I do, Solas. Haven’t you realised by now that everything I do is the very best? Speaking of which, you owe me a chess move as I am on the cusp of victory….’ the two of them moved away, finally letting him near her once more.

Leaena still looked dreadfully unwell as Cullen helped her to her feet. All he wanted to do was kiss her and tell her how sorry he was, but in front of hundreds of troops and Grey Wardens he knew he'd have to restrain himself for a while longer.

‘What do I have to do?’ she whispered to him.

‘Speak to that Grey Warden there. Decide what you want me to do with the magister who we managed to prevent from escaping. And then we go home,’ he replied.

‘That sounds like the best thing anyone has said to me all day,’ she said with a smile as she leaned on him, holding his arm and using her staff to walk forward. 'And a bath. You need a bath, Cullen. You're head to toe covered in blood and things I'd rather not think about.' 

He grinned at her. 'So are you, my lady. Except the slime you're coated in is yellow rather than red. You still look beautiful though.' 

'Incredible. It seems I still have enough blood left in me to blush.' She shyly raised her eyes to his, making his heart constrict in his chest at the love he saw for him there. They reached the Warden representative then, Leaena immediately recruiting the Grey Wardens to work for the Inquisition, praising Stroud and his sacrifice. Cullen knew that had always been her intention. Leaena had a soft spot for them personally as well as a firm belief in their mission.

She then walked to look at the fallen magister, still strapped to the table fully unconscious. ‘Take him back to Skyhold for me, please. We'll deal with it there. I suppose we should try keep him alive on the way.' Leaena's eyes were amused as she held his gaze. 'Someone was busy whilst I was gone. I can’t say I disapprove. He was the most irritating person I’ve ever come across. Not to mention the fact he nearly killed several of us, cost the Inquisition many troops and destroyed the honour of the Grey Wardens.'

She looked back at the magister. 'Your handiwork or Bull’s? Cassandra is normally more….subtle.’

‘Did you really think I would let the man who sent you hurtling towards the Abyss get away with it, Leaena? Maker’s Breath, watching you fall….’ Cullen stopped, knowing how badly they needed to speak but not wanting to have this conversation in front of so many people. The horror of seeing her drop to her death was still fresh in his memory.

_It always will be. Talk about giving me perspective on what's really important._

‘I know,’ she whispered. ‘Cullen….’

Leaena went white and passed out against him. Wasting no time, Cullen picked her up again as he carried her out of the fortress, shouting instructions to his troops so he could finally take her home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The prayer is Transfigurations 10 of the Chant of Light.


	65. Kiss and Make Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy and kinda smutty at the end.

Lea was so tired. The wound in her side ached with every jolt of her saddle.  She finally saw their camp appear in front of them where they were due to stop for the night.

Once she’d woken up in Cullen’s tent outside Adamant, the day after their hard-fought victory, she demanded they leave within the hour. She had refused outright to travel back to Skyhold in a carriage, instead pestering Solas and Dorian for all their rejuvenation and healing potions to keep her going. Cullen took one look at her face and knew better than to argue with her, aside from making her promise to stop if she needed to.

He was as impatient to leave as she was, having already watched the majority of the Inquisition’s forces march out at dawn. It was eerily quiet after the heat and thunder of the battle, the fortress sealed up as it awaited demolition by The Chargers. Lea had never been so relieved to leave a place in her life. If she never had to go back to the desert again it would be too soon.

As ever, she’d set a punishing pace for her Inner Circle, impatient to leave the heat of the Western Approach behind them and looking forward to getting back to Skyhold. It had been a long few weeks – every night Lea had pretty much collapsed in her tent as soon as they were set up.

She smiled as Cullen pulled his horse up next to hers as they arrived, the first to do so. ‘Here, let me help you dismount, my lady.’

‘Thank you.’ She allowed herself to lean against him for a second as he dropped a kiss on her head before looking at her in concern, sensing how tired and unwell she was feeling.

‘Are you overdoing things, Leaena?’ He took the reins of her horse as they prepared their mounts to rest for the night. ‘Don’t do the brush-down – I will. Sit. I’ll get you something to eat in a minute.’

‘It is a little sore,’ she admitted. ‘But tomorrow, we’ll be home, Cullen! I’ve been away for months. I missed it very much.’ Her eyes shone with her excitement at nearly being back at the fortress.

At that moment, the others finally arrived, calling out greetings as they dismounted. Cadan had already left for Val Royaeux and Nathalie for Weisshaupt, but everyone else was still with the group. Trystan came over to help her to her feet, giving her a hug. ‘How are you, Lea? Relieved to be somewhere cold again?’

‘Maker, yes,’ she laughed. ‘I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever be rid of sand getting into everything.’

They headed to the camping spot, Lea busying herself with setting up the fire and wanting to be useful whilst everyone else set up the tents. Absently waving a hand at the pile of wood, she made herself comfortable on the ground, opening her usual toffee stash for people to help themselves and pouring herself a drink.

The night was cold as they were finally deep in the Frostbacks, having left the edge of the Dales early that morning. Sighing with contentment as she felt the crisp night air on her skin, she looked up at the stars, relaxed and happy for the first time in weeks as she allowed her mind to turn to what had to be done.

_Vivienne. At last, I will deal with you the way you so royally deserve._

‘What are you thinking about?’ Cullen sat next to her, handing her some food which she gratefully accepted.

‘How do you solve a problem like Vivienne?’ she said thoughtfully. ‘ I will have to watch what I say. There are so many potential players in this game. But I’ll be damned if my fortress will be stuck with her hideous interior design ideas, if nothing else. Varric,’ she called, a thought occurring to her. ‘Any news on what you were searching for?’

‘You bet,’ he replied. ‘Sera was positively buzzing with her latest message. If it is possible for her to be any more buzzier than normal, that is. I’m intrigued to see what it is.’

‘Me too. This whole situation is bizarre. I want to keep Vivienne with the Inquisition for as long as we can until we get to the bottom of it all. Much though I’d love to blast her off the top of the battlements.’

Varric waved as he and Solas headed off for a game of chess.

She paused, wondering how to best get to the point where she’d finally be able to kill the woman. ‘That reminds me - we will meet with Josephine, Sera and Cole as soon as we arrive.’ She lapsed into silence once more, Cullen putting his arm around her shoulders to draw her closer as the camp fire talk turned to more general chat.

‘Are you ready to confront her?’ She could feel the underlying concern he had, not wanting her to experience another anxiety attack, particularly now he knew what she’d been through.

Lea rested her head against his shoulder, wishing for the millionth time they could just have some space to be alone together. ‘That’s the funny thing about plummeting to your death,’ she said quietly. ‘I know what true fear is. She has no power over me anymore. And I find myself even more impatient than I normally am to deal with her.’

She had realised what really mattered when she had nearly lost it all. The nightmare of that day in the Harrowing Chamber would never leave her, but it paled in comparison to what she had faced – and survived.

_I thought I would never see him again._

She shivered slightly at the memory of such mindless desperation, the depths of which she hadn’t even been aware existed. Cullen’s arm tightened around her as he sensed what had just run through her mind. After all, he’d felt it too.

‘We’ll be back soon. And then we make everything better.’ His voice was low, frustration running through him because of position they were in, wanting to get things back to the way they were but with no opportunity to do so.

_Well, my magic is happy at least. I didn’t realise that his lyrium could join together so closely within me._

She made a mental note to catch up with Dagna to see how her research was progressing. Frowning slightly as she looked across at her brother, she knew all was not quite as Trystan wanted it to be in his universe. The reason for which was a glowering Seeker sat silently on the opposite side of the camp fire. There was nothing she could do about it for now. She sat back against Cullen, content to listen to everyone else for a while as she enjoyed his warmth and strength.

‘Furrows. That’s the word. Between the eyes. Moping. Lost in your own issues.’ Bull nodded sagely at Blackwall.

‘Can't a man think without being judged for it?’ The furrows Bull had alluded to were becoming even more prominent on Blackwall’s forehead.

‘Hey, I'm not judging,’ Bull's hands were raised. ‘I was gonna say you're pretty good at it. I can't pull that off! And I mean, if you're going to brood, you might as well reap the benefits!’

Blackwall looked at him suspiciously. ‘What benefits?’

‘I have to spell it out? Geez. The ladies, Blackwall, the ladies.’ Bull gave him a lascivious wink. ‘They love it. They want to save you. Rescue you. Bring sunshine to your soul.’

‘I’ve lived this long without needing to be saved. I’m sure I’ll survive a while longer.’ He rose quickly to his feet, not wanting to continue the conversation further.

Lea felt Cullen tense next to her at Bull’s blatant needling of the other man, knowing how much that particular subject infuriated him. But his next words had them all struggling to control their reactions.

‘Say,’ Bull called, just as Blackwall was leaving. ‘You're good with that sword.’

‘Thanks,’ he replied, somewhat surprised at the compliment.  

Bull grinned. ‘I see all that time on your own has given you a firm grip.’

Cullen started choking on his drink whilst Lea was hard put to control her face at the look of Blackwall’s complete discomfort before he stormed away from the camp. Everyone else dissolved into laughter once the unfortunate warrior was a safe distance away.

‘I haven’t seen anyone look quite so discomposed since you walked in on me and Bull, Cassandra,’ Dorian chuckled, enjoying Cassandra’s turn to look uncomfortable.

‘It wasn’t just me,’ she replied irritably. ‘I do believe Cullen decided to interrupt you both first!’

‘Sweet Maker.’ Cullen laughed even harder. ‘You practically demanded I take a good look, Cassandra. I found it preferable to at least attempt to give them both a bit of privacy.’

‘I thought we might have blinded you, Cullen,’ Dorian quipped. ‘That clip board of yours was rather strategically placed as I recall.’

‘I’m happy to say my vision is still functioning. I’ve seen far worse than you and Bull in a compromising position,’ he replied blandly.

‘Ah yes, all those strapping Templars running around when you were in training. I want to know all about it one of these days.’ Cullen shook his head at Dorian with a grin, refusing to be drawn further.

‘Josephine was completely fascinated as I recall. And quite rightly so,’ Bull said proudly, his chest swelling as he sat up further. ‘It was quite the party in Dorian’s room by the end. Everyone should have just joined in. Particularly you, Cassandra.’

‘Is that right, Seeker?’ Trystan grinned at her with a look that no one could misinterpret as anything else but a man intent on hunting a specific prey. ‘That sounds intriguing. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of fun after all.’

‘Can we please talk about something else!’ Cassandra demanded, her face beet red.

‘Fascinating though your amorous adventures are to us all, gentlemen, why don’t we find something else to talk about?’ Lea found her voice at last, taking pity on her poor friend as she wiped away her tears of laughter. ‘My wound can’t take much more of this.’

_Thanks ever so, Dorian, for making things more frustrating for me._

_Now all I have in my head is a naked Cullen in training surrounded by lots of other gorgeous naked Templars. I wonder if he ever…..oh, Maker……._

‘Are you alright?’ Cullen whispered to her, startling her from a thoroughly erotic daydream and well aware of what had her so distracted. ‘You look a bit flushed, my lady.’

‘Um, yes, fine,’ she stammered, cross with herself. In days gone by she would have told him exactly what she had been thinking, fascinated to discover even more about him and thoroughly enjoying the sexually charged anticipation of what would then come later. And he would have just asked her what she was thinking, wanting to hear every detail then adding to the whole fantasy, rather than being so hesitant as he was now.  

It had happened more times than she cared to count and she knew how annoyed he was with himself as well. She just felt like a schoolgirl again. It was not a state of affairs she was happy with.

_I am not good at this enforced abstinence from the sexiest man alive. The longer it goes on for, the more awkward I become._

_And don’t ask me why._

‘I have to speak to Trystan in a minute,’ Cullen said quietly. ‘I hope he accepts the position, now Rylen will be stationed at Griffon Wing Keep for some time.’

Lea nodded her approval, regaining her composure. ‘Of course he will. I am completely biased, but there is no one better to be your second in command.’

‘Promise me you will rest soon? I know we are close to home but you have a lot of recovering to do still when you get back.’

‘Go,’ she said with a smile, his golden eyes reflecting the concern and love she could sense. ‘I will be asleep by the time you get back.’

He gave her a quick hug before gesturing for Trystan to join him, the two men walking off to speak privately.

‘So, Lea. A grand ball. At the Winter Palace no less. How very splendid. The Seeker in a dress at last,’ Dorian said enthusiastically.

Lea laughed at the look of disgust on Cassandra’s face. ‘It is indeed. I am not sorry they have pushed the date back a few weeks though. Some time to recover at Skyhold will be welcome. Not to mention the fact I must order something new to wear. Dress or robes? It’s a difficult decision.’

‘I am not wearing a dress. I told you this Dorian. If my uncle couldn’t get me in one then I’m amazed you think you will.’ Dorian’s eyes were laughing as he watched Cassandra get even more uncomfortable with the idea.

‘Dress, dear Lea. You wear robes to all the formal occasions. This is a chance to be different. In fact, you should have a ball at Skyhold.’

‘I will consider it. The dress that is. A ball -’ Lea broke off as she looked over to a space away from the camp fire where Blackwall had gone after dinner.

She felt sorry for him. They had nearly died then lived through the Fade together and Lea had been trying, on the course of the journey back, to get to know him better. It was slow progress but she was making headway. She had also told Cullen in no uncertain terms to back off, to which he’d reluctantly agreed.

_I don’t understand why he has such an issue._

_One thing is for sure though. They hate each other._

‘I just need to have a word with Blackwall.’ Excusing herself from the group, she headed over to where he was standing, looking out over the mountains.

‘Everything ok?’ she asked as she went to stand next to him.

‘Yes, my lady Inquisitor.’ He didn’t add anything further, making Lea sigh inwardly.

‘It is a lovely night isn’t it,’ she replied, refusing to be undaunted by his lack of conversation. ‘Cadan used to teach me a new constellation every time he came home.’

Blackwall said nothing. Lea was about to give up when he spoke again. ‘My sister liked the stars as well. She used to think they were frozen snowflakes that the moon lit up at night.’

Lea chuckled lightly. ‘We sisters like to give our brothers the most whimsical explanations for the mundane. How old is she?’

‘She died when I was very little. I still remember her though, lying on her back in the grass outside our home, counting these frozen snowflakes in the dark.’ His voice had become gruff with the memory.

‘I’m sorry to hear that she is no longer with you,’ she said softly.

‘It was a long time ago.’ He sounded resigned. ‘I often wonder what she’d be like now, had she lived. Not like me, I hope.’

‘I am sure she would have been proud to have been like her brother. The path of the Maker is never clear, is it,’ Lea replied sadly. ‘I can’t imagine life without my siblings. It is a tragic loss for you.’

‘It is heartening to see how close you are to your brothers, Inquisitor. Yet you have had a deal of hardship in your life too and you still do, for all that you disguise it well.’ Blackwall's brown eyes were shuttered, leaving Lea unsure how to take his last comment.

‘Do we not all have our burdens to bear?’ She kept her tone light, not wanting to invite any conversation on her own personal circumstances. That was dangerous territory with this man. ‘I am no different to anyone else in that regard.’

‘We do. Yet there you stand with Thedas’ mightiest because of who you are and what you have been through. People are also in a position to take from you more than they should as a result.’ He looked away again then.

‘I am but a part of a whole, Blackwall. The people around me help the vision of the Inquisition succeed. It is not something I can do on my own.’ The cryptic conversation was giving her a headache.

‘Some help. Others hinder, drain you until it is too late for you to realise you have nothing left to give.’ He stopped abruptly, giving her a short bow. ‘It is late. I shall bid you a good evening.’

Lea watched him walk off, feeling bemused as to what he could have been referring to, before heading back to the fire. Cullen and Trystan were still nowhere to be seen, and the only people left up were Dorian, Bull and Cassandra. The Seeker was staring at the fire as if she wanted to hurt it somehow, such was the thunderous expression on her face.

Dorian and Bull gave Lea a knowing look. Cassandra wanted to talk but was awkward about discussing the man who was the source of her discomfort with his sister. ‘You look perplexed, Lea. Get this down you.’

Bull poured her a glass of whiskey. ‘Thanks. I need it after that. I’m not really sure what that conversation was about at all. I think I’m a bit too tired to be dealing with hidden meanings behind words this evening.’

She looked at the Seeker closely who was refusing to meet anyone’s eyes. ‘Out with it, Cassandra. They won’t be back for ages. We’ve all been through too much together for you to be shy.’

Cassandra eyes were furious as she looked up, about to protest before her shoulders sagged in defeat, seeing that all of them wouldn’t leave her alone until she told them what had happened. ‘It is the ideal I had always hoped for, never expecting it. Yet here we are in the thick of war quoting poetry, plays and chapters of the most passionate literature at each other. One half of me is incredulous and the other half is exulting in the romance of it all.’

‘That’s all well and good, Cassandra, but there’s only so much satisfaction you’re going to get by going to bed with a dusty book that spells out what you should actually be doing. I presume you didn’t get knocked on the head too often – you do realise how delectable the Inquisitor’s brother is?’ Dorian looked at the Seeker with undisguised curiously.

‘I – yes!’ she said indignantly. ‘I am aware, thank you Dorian! It does not make any of this easier!’

‘I agree.’ Lea was trying to hide her amusement at Cassandra’s look of outrage. ‘I can’t imagine you being backwards about being forwards.’

‘Cass, have you at least kissed him yet? You spend enough time undressing him with your eyes so it won’t be long till you get him between the sheets. Or bedroll. Some part of you wants to just cut loose. So just do it.’ Bull had that rare look when Lea was reminded exactly of his background.

Cassandra looked more embarrassed than Lea had ever seen her. ‘I – we, well I wanted on our way out to the Western Approach to but then… I, erm, might have missed.’

‘Missed? How do you miss kissing someone?’ Lea was trying not laugh at the consternation on the Seeker’s face.

‘Lips on lips, Cassandra. It's not a difficult concept!’ Dorian looked at her in confusion. ‘Do you want me to draw you a map?’

‘No! I panicked! It was very forward of me! And I might have, um, ended up smacking his chin as I tried to dodge at the last minute. Maker,’ she finished desperately. ‘It made it even worse.’

‘You smacked his chin?’ Lea felt her side ache again, struggling against the laughter that was about to consume her at the image of her brother being knocked out en route to a kiss. ‘I would have paid money to see that! You punch hard. How in Andraste’s name did you manage it?’

‘I lost my balance and then my hand….argh does it matter? I sent him flying. Then I ran away! It is the last time I am trying to kiss him. I looked like a fool. I just left him there.’ She sighed. ‘And then there has been no time – no, that is a lie. There has been time, but I have found it easier to ignore the situation. I’ve avoided him –‘ Cassandra stuttered to a stop.

‘Cass, now you’re talking!’ Bull gave her an enthusiastic thumbs up which she cringed slightly at. ‘That’s nothing but mild foreplay! He would have loved it! Why the fuck did you run away?’

‘It is hardly the romance that I am after, Bull, to be mugging my chosen partner into giving me a kiss,’ she growled.

‘Did you miss the way he looked at you just now? For a Seeker your seem to be quite blinkered,' Dorian retorted. 'That is a man who is anything but disinterested in you.'

‘We have a long spell at Skyhold now. Trystan would never laugh at you or make you feel awkward you know.’ Lea wanted to reassure the Seeker. ‘Why don’t you just talk to him? He has a better sense of humour than anyone I've ever met. You won’t have offended him.’

_I really need to take my own advice._

‘I can be very indirect about certain things. I will think on what you have said. But anyway, how are things with you and Cullen?’ she fixed Lea with a stern gaze that she knew she deserved. ‘You should not have run, Lea.’

‘Your turn, Boss. We know something ain’t right. Spit it out,’ Bull declared unceremoniously. ‘You talk about fuck all to do with Cullen, which is fair enough, but you need to share more. Particularly when you both looked like you’d kicked the seven shades of shit out of each other before Adamant. That's unhealthy if you do it too often.’

Lea exhaled slowly. She never spoke about her and Cullen, ever. It was something so personal and they were both intensely private people. Still. She was going nowhere fast right now. Everything was bottled up inside her.

‘No, I shouldn’t have run,’ Lea acknowledged. ‘It was a mistake I am paying for even now. I haven’t told Cullen this but I am almost one hundred per cent certain Vivienne sent letters pretending to be from each one of us. The damage that has caused is going to take a long time to repair.’

‘How did she manage that?’ Cassandra was stunned, as they all were at Lea’s revelation.

‘That I have no idea and I hope that is what Varric may have uncovered. It’s why I haven’t told him yet. He was the one who first suspected. If I hadn’t been so insistent on being all secretive we could have stopped it a lot earlier. But as for us?’ Lea looked sightlessly at the fire, almost speaking to herself. ‘Things are still strange. We’re both hesitant, knowing we want more but with no idea on how to go about getting there. It’s been almost impossible to rebuild any kind of - anything.’

Her frustration mounted. ‘Twelve hours a day riding, me getting over this stupid injury? There is never any time.’ Lea threw her hands up in irritation, having no answers to the questions that chased around in her head all day. ‘To quote Varric, shit got weird. Which is really it in a nutshell,’ she finished somewhat wryly.

They had managed some, though. He’d joined her every night to sleep after he was finished working. The simple pleasure of having his warmth next to her again as he held her close, particularly after the devastation Vivienne had wrought on them, not to mention the terror of Adamant, was something she was savouring to the full. But it wasn’t nearly enough.

‘So you need to talk as well,’ Dorian said dryly. ‘And you know how you both feel but it somehow gets in the way?’

‘It does. The sensation of that emotion is doubled. Which is fine if it’s a positive, but when it’s negative? We said some terrible things to each other.’ Lea was feeling a bit defeated. ‘The memory of that holds me back somewhat. I know he doesn’t begrudge me anything, but I do. It is proving difficult to forgive ourselves and move on.’

‘You have relied on that connection too much, Lea - this is its downside. It is not substitute for action or words. Stop avoiding situations you find awkward – not to mention overthinking them.’ Bull was rarely this ruthlessly blunt in his assessments, but on this occasion she knew she had earned it.

‘Deal with it differently, Lea. Think about it from another angle,’ Cassandra’s voice was firm. ‘He is a man. And a warrior. The direct approach will work best. Seduce him.’

Lea felt the red flame her cheeks, for once lost for words. ‘What! Well, I, um, I –‘

‘You do know what seduction means, don’t you? I take it you have grasped the basics?’ Dorian said with amusement. ‘Birds and the bees and all that?’

‘Of course I do!’ Lea spluttered. ‘I just…..I didn’t think……I’m not discussing this!’

All three of them were enjoying seeing her for once completely out of her comfort zone. ‘Why not, Boss? Haven’t you heard of make-up sex? Fuck me, your Circles must have been sheltered places.’

‘Do I….make-up sex…..I didn’t spend my life in a fucking cave, Bull! I can assure you living in a Circle did not equal celibacy – quite the opposite. Didn’t you know that we’re all supposed to be rather, um, active in that regard? I thought you might have guessed by now given that you’ve got Dorian’s dragon’s tooth round your neck. Magic has that effect on us. Particularly after a fight.’ Lea snorted with laughter at the look of happiness and expectation on Bull’s face.

_Is it really that simple?_

_Of course it is, Leaena Trevelyan. Why do you always turn something that’s easy into such hard work?_

‘It’s true. Which leads to my next question. Given we are all such randy buggers - well the latter in my case anyway, unless you’d really like to give us some intriguing new detail on the Commander’s sexual preferences –‘ Dorian laughed as Lea flipped him off ‘- what in all that is holy is taking you so long to get round to it?'

‘We have! I mean - I can find my own way around, thank you very much,’ Lea said, stammering for a moment before turning to give a hard glare at the Seeker, deciding she’d had enough of her Inner Circle’s advice. ‘Besides, Cassandra, if you expect me to be somewhat more – proactive, then I expect you to be the same.’ Lea laughed then at Cassandra’s rueful smile. ‘It’s not just me being stubborn is it?’

‘No, it is not,’ the other woman agreed. ‘We are home tomorrow. Opportunities will present themselves soon enough for both of us.’

‘Well thank you all for that enlightening evening.’ She gave a wry chuckle. ‘I’m not sure I can deal with any more dents to my pride. I need to go and rest. It’s still a full day to Skyhold from here.’

As they all stood to leave, Lea caught Dorian’s eye as the other two left. She was still confused on one point, her frustration burning inside her. ‘I don’t understand something,’ she said quietly.

‘What’s that?’ he waited patiently for her to get the words right.

She scowled, her irritation rising again at herself. ‘I never had a problem with being - I guess - confident before. You know. With a partner. In bed. But with Cullen it is different. I’ve never felt so shy, awkward, all that crap. It’s like starting all over again. I feel so uncertain – even before this all the shit happened at Skyhold.’

 ‘It’s because you love him, Lea,’ Dorian replied, serious for once. ‘It’s because this matters. No one before did. You could just discard them. Now, you want to make it work, to get it right. In a sense you are correct. You are starting over. And,’ he said with a smile. ‘For what it’s worth, I feel the same. We shall both bumble our way through this new world together.’

‘I never thought of it that way. I like the idea of starting over, a fresh start. Thank you.’ Her voice was light to hide how moved she was, needing time to think everything through.

They gave each other a hug before she headed to her tent. For once she was unable to sleep. The anticipation of returning to Skyhold and – something - finally happening with Cullen, the upcoming confrontation with Vivienne and the strange conversation with Blackwall were all running through her mind. She heard Cullen coming in, quietly sliding next to her, pulling her to him and kissing her gently as she snuggled drowsily into his arms.

_They are right. Why do I need to feel embarrassed around Cullen, of all people?_

An idea was forming in her mind as she turned to him with a smile, taking him by delighted surprise as she kissed him deeply. She let her tongue linger over his lips, teasing his before slipping into his mouth, the mere taste of him sending heat shooting through her body.

Lea smiled to herself in pure anticipation as she felt his lyrium heat instantly around her magic, his desire evident in his kiss. There was one thing she could do to to warm her Commander up before she seduced him for the second time. 

\------

Cullen and Trystan walked some distance away from the camp to talk. There had been hardy any time for people to sit back and relax on this trip, Leaena being determined to get home as fast as humanely possible. This last night before reaching Skyhold was the first time everyone had properly stopped and had a chance to relax.

He’d felt a sharp spike of lust shoot through her earlier which had made him want to carry her off somewhere and discover exactly what she had in mind. Except he couldn’t. The frustration that he seemed unable to speak to her properly these days was almost suffocating him. This had gone on for weeks now. And he missed her, wanting his carefree, teasing, sensuous Leaena back, not this awkward caricature.

Firmly pushing those thoughts to one side, particularly given the company he was currently in, he chatted lightly to Trystan about his new duties and some of the upcoming issues they had to face. Trystan stopped then, obviously wanting to ask a question but having no idea how to approach the subject. Remembering Cassandra’s face earlier, Cullen decided to raise it for him.

‘How is the campaign going to win your fair Seeker’s heart?’ he said idly.

‘It stalled somewhat when she decided to punch me.’ Cullen looked in astonishment at his friend who was laughing at the memory, completely unfazed.

‘That was the last thing I was expecting you to say! What did you do to her? She hits hard.’ His jaw felt tender at the memory of some of their sparring sessions.

‘She does, doesn’t she? Trystan sounded even more enamoured of Cassandra than ever. ‘You’d just left us that evening before we reached the Western Approach. I do think her intention had been to kiss me but, much to my disappointment, she changed her mind, stumbled and smacked me right in my face as she was trying to gain her balance. And I haven’t been able to get near her to speak to her since.’

‘I may have something that can help you with that.’ Varric walked up to them both with a grin. ‘Although I’m not sure I’m quite as appreciative of being punched in the face by the Seeker as you are.’

‘Quite right too, Varric. It’s a special honour I hope she saves just for me, especially if there’s a kiss afterwards. So, what's up with you this evening?’ Trystan moved to one side so the dwarf could join them.

‘That chapter of Swords and Shields is finished,’ Varric’s grin grew even wider as Trystan started to laugh.

Cullen thought back to that morning, vaguely remembering something about some book of Varric’s that Cassandra was a fan of. That Trystan had even discovered that about her was astonishing in its own right.

‘Tomorrow when we get back we can deliver it. But I have to give it to her, mind you.’ Varric had a wicked look in his eyes.

‘You’re on. Just tell me when. Now, I just need to find the perfect setting –‘ he broke off as Cullen and Varric started laughing. ‘What? It is but the next step in my crusade. Varric’s book means she has to speak to me again and then after that I just need the perfect location.’

‘Location?’ Cullen felt confused. ‘For what?’

They both stared at him like he’d grown two heads.

‘Curly, by Andraste’s tits, have you never done anything romantic for Frosty before?’ Varric was shaking his head.

‘Cullen,’ Trystan said slowly, ‘this is my sister we’re discussing so I really don’t want any detail. None, in fact. But surely, wooing a lady is something you have prior experience of? Or do they all just fall at your feet like they did in Kirkwall?’

Cullen suddenly remembered the conversation he’d had with Dorian and his own suspicions that he had somehow been deficient in that regard.

‘Maker’s Breath!’ he stammered. ‘Of course they don’t - I mean, they didn't! And I am familiar with the concept – I just…..do I look like the romantic type to produce flowers every day and sing to Leaena underneath a balcony? She’d be as likely to pour water from the vase on me!’

Varric chuckled. ‘You’ll have to excuse me saying so, but things aren’t quite right between the two of you. And, just maybe, you’re struggling to fix it. Perhaps if we hear Trystan’s plans then you could get some inspiration.’

’There’s a grove outside of Skyhold which is just perfect,’ Trystan said enthusiastically. ‘Trees, candles, poetry, flowers, good wine, chocolate, the works.’

‘That sounds very Cassandra, which will work for you. It's the kind of thing you live for.’ Cullen shook his head wryly. ‘Are you suggesting that I should replicate the same with Leaena? I didn’t think poetry was her style. It sure as shit isn't mine.’

‘Holy Andraste, no, not unless you want a concussion from the book flying at your head. But you should know my sister by now, Cullen.’ His eyes narrowed slightly as Cullen started to flush under Trystan's scrutiny. ‘You have taken the time to really get to know her, haven’t you?’

_I have! She likes dancing. She likes shopping. She likes training. She likes chess and cards. She likes history books. She likes riding. She likes music and singing. Well, other people singing….me apparently…._

_Crap. That’s not enough is it?_

He was feeling besieged, along with a distinct sense of inadequacy that was building within him.

‘Curly, seriously.’ Varric scolded. ‘It’s that connection isn’t it? How can a sense replicate an actual conversation to get to know someone?’

‘How did the discussion turn to me all of a sudden?’ he complained as he ran a hand through his hair, even as he knew they were both right.

‘If you want to make things better again between you and Lea you need to do something, Cullen. Women like it and that’s why we make the effort, to please them. Make sure you do the same or you’ll find your nose broken yet again.’ Cullen knew Trystan was only half-joking as the other man grimaced. 'I can't actually believe I am giving you advice on my own sister! I don't know whether to be disturbed or amused at myself.'  Wishing them both a good night, he walked off.

_I do enjoy it. I want to make her happy._

_But why I haven't? I have no excuse._

There had been no time. There never was enough time. She had left Skyhold and disappeared for months, the mystery of those horrendous letters still unresolved. Then she nearly died. And then they had the trek across the Western Approach. 

‘We have to start again,’ he said softly to himself. ‘And I have no idea where to begin.’

‘I can say this now her brother has departed,’ Varric murmured. ‘Just get a room, Curly, along with all the romance shit. The rest will work itself out after that. Make the time for it. Soon.’

Cullen laughed dryly as he acknowledged the truth of Varric’s words. He didn't need to be reminded how much he missed sex with the most desirable woman he'd ever seen. Not to mention the heightened intimacy it bought them both.

‘You are right,’ he said, sighing as they both walked back. ‘I will have to think up something soon, when she is better. What about you?’

‘Don’t leave it too long, Curly. As for me? On the romance side? I consider not getting assassins killing me every time I meet up with her a good day.’ Varric tried to sound lighthearted but the sadness within him was apparent. Cullen knew Bianca was waiting for him back at Skyhold. Varric didn’t seem sure  whether to be thrilled or dejected.

Wishing him a good night, Cullen crawled as quietly as he could into the tent, seeing Leaena curled up in the blankets. He couldn’t help but smile at the picture she made, sleeping diagonally across both of their bedrolls leaving no room for him.

‘My lady, you are a bed hog,’ he whispered as he moved her legs over.

‘It’s so I can be nearer to you,’ she mumbled sleepily. ‘You have to come closer to me that way.’

‘Is that how you describe it,’ he laughed quietly as he pulled her into his arms, relaxing as he smelled the light orange-blossom scent of her skin.

_This bit we have right at least. She is exactly where she belongs, by my side._

She settled herself into his body, resting there as she fell back asleep again. Just as he was about to drop off too he a subtle shift within her magic as Leaena lifted her head, pressing her lips against his and lazily letting her tongue slip in to tease his, seeking a proper kiss. She tasted of toffee and berries as she languidly explored his mouth, her hand running through his hair as she lifted a leg over his to draw herself even closer to him, her teeth pulling gently on his bottom lip as he felt the warmth in her magic start to rise.

Suddenly not feeling tired at all, his body reacted instantly to the electricity of her lips and touch as he pulled her closer, sliding a hand down to her ass and cursing inwardly the fact they were both fully dressed. Groaning as he felt the pressure of her pelvis on his erection, she lifted her head, dropping one finger to his lips.

‘I have one condition. You’ll have to be quiet. No matter what I choose to do with you,’ she whispered as she sat upright. Her hand trailed down his body, her fingers grazing over his already hard cock, making him inhale sharply at the sensation as she reached to free him from his breeches. ‘Or I’ll have to stop. The choice is yours.’

For some reason he didn’t understand, they’d always had a no sex rule when travelling in a group. It appeared Leaena had, praise the Maker, changed her mind. She’d dribbled some spit into her hand before wrapping it firmly round the warmth of his length. At the sensation of her fist starting to slowly, smoothly slip up and down his cock, there was no way he was going to argue with her. It had been months since she’d touched him like this. And this particular scenario just reminded him of yet another highly erotic session in his quarters where he’d been the one in control. 

_Quite the exhibitionist aren’t you, my lady? I’m more than happy to indulge you in that fantasy once more._

He nodded wordlessly, clenching his teeth together to stop himself from making a sound as he watched her face. Those deep blue eyes of hers filled with heat and desire, taking pleasure in seeing how much he was enjoying her touch - and especially enjoying the illicitness of it all, that someone could hear them. She started letting her thumb circle his head, using the moisture already there and putting pressure on the super sensitive skin, massaging it with every motion of her hand.

His hips involuntarily raised up, to which she put her other hand there to stop him from moving. ‘What would we do if someone heard you, Cullen? Naughty boy. I told you to stay still. Unless you want me to stop, of course?’ As he shook his head she slid her index finger into her mouth, slowly moving it in and out her tongue circling the very end of her tip. Her eyes darkened and her breathing got faster as she saw exactly what he was thinking, all the while maintaining the deliberate, firm pressure of her strokes up and down his length.

_Maker, please don't stop. This is incredible._

_Your mouth feels so fucking good, your tongue licking the head of my cock…._

He’d only had his own fist and memories of Leaena for company in those long months. It didn’t come close to satisfying him. The reality of her here, her hands teasing his shaft? He wasn’t going to last long. She looked so beautiful, her face still cloudy from sleep but her eyes bright with desire as she leaned forward to gently nibble on his earlobe. It became even harder for him to breathe soundlessly as sparks shot through his body repeatedly, heading straight to the centre of his stomach.

‘I missed having your come inside me, Cullen, mixing with my wet juices, smeared all down my thighs,’ she whispered huskily in his ear, describing what she knew was one of his favourite views of her. She could feel his cock throb in her hand, continuing to get harder than he thought possible with each caress of her thumb and every word that filtered through to his increasingly fuzzy brain.

He was unable to think of much else but the friction of her fist now twisting around his length as she started to increase the tempo, continuing to tell him exactly how much she had missed him. ‘I spent weeks with just my fingers and my dildo for company, imagining it was your thick cock filling me, fucking my soaking wet cunt hard.’

_Did she...dildo? Holy shit! She never said before…. Leaena and a dildo. No. There is nothing so fucking sexy that exists as the image I now have in my head._

Cullen nearly came all over her hand and top just at the thought of Leaena lying on her bed, naked, playing with herself, sliding a dildo in and out of her wet entrance, her lips covered in her juices. This was a side to her he’d never seen before, taking delight at being in control and wanting to explore the sexual side of their relationship further. She suddenly seemed to have a new inner confidence, which suited him just fine.

‘You’ve done very well, Cullen. If you carry on being good, I might even let you watch me pleasuring myself one day.’ Leaena sat back up again, looking at him with a gratifying amount of appreciation, a sensual smile pulling at her lips as she licked them slowly. His breathing was becoming laboured as her hand was moving faster, feeling the tension spread in his lower abdomen and the warm, delicious pressured heat building in his balls. He was so close to orgasm, especially when combined with the image he couldn’t shake of her fucking herself with a toy, making herself come hard, whilst he…..

He almost protested out loud when the hot, slippery, insanely good feeling of her pumping, twisting fist stopped. Until he felt the warm softness of her mouth suddenly slide down his cock, taking him in all in one go, feeling the tip of his head hit the back of her throat.

His body jerked involuntarily at the unexpected, amazing sensation of her tongue running up and down whilst she fucked him hard with her mouth,  knowing he was close to release. Her lips were wrapped tight around his shaft as her tongue greedily licked him all over, rolling the head of his cock around her mouth, flicking the tip before sliding down the seam and running underneath its rim, before starting to suck him off harder and faster. 

Cullen was breathing harder and harder now, unable to do anything but focus on the waves of pure, blazing flames rolling through him, trying still not to make too much sound which was almost impossible by this stage. He had one hand in her hair, gripping the thick, silky strands tight, not wanting to force her down but equally desperate to feel as much of her as possible as his body took over, his hips starting to rock up and down in rhythm to her motions. His other hand had hers, Leaena gripping him just as hard as he was holding onto her.

Her mouth was so hot and so wet, heat now rampaging throughout his body as he felt her saliva drip down onto the base of his cock, spreading down to his balls still hidden in his breeches. A small moan of pleasure escaped her at that point, making him hiss, as much noise as he dared make – some small part of him remembering the rule for silence. The sound of how much she was enjoying him, another flicker of her tongue on his tip as she moaned again sending vibrations through his cock suddenly saw his whole body tense, his head arched back and his mouth open in a soundless cry as he came harder than he’d done in months. He couldn’t help but hold her head down as he thrust upwards to keep her mouth firmly wrapped around his shaft, shaking with the force of his orgasm. Leaena was looking up at him, her eyes filled with that blue fire of hers as she swallowed his come, waiting till his body ceased to shake and his cock stopped spurting semen right to the back of her mouth.

_Maker's Breath, she is stunning. How did I get so lucky?_

She sat back up after a moment, looking happily at his still semi-hard cock before putting it back in his breeches for him. Cullen watched her, his body feeling warm, heavy and completely sated as he tried to stay awake. She turned back to him, a look of satisfaction on her face as she bent down to him, dropping a kiss on his neck.

‘You taste so good.’ Her breath on his ear was warm and seductive and he felt himself stir again, even given that powerful a climax. As she sat back up, her lips twitched as he found he struggled to say anything at all after that completely unexpected, unbelievably good, blow job.

He smiled lazily at her compliment, watching her for a moment before pulling her down to him, kissing her slowly. ‘Your mouth feels fucking incredible. As does your hand. Much better than mine.’

Her eyes, already warm, blazed hot at his last comment. ‘Just so you know, Cullen, there are few sights I like better than seeing you with your cock in your fist, masturbating. It makes me imagine all kinds of other things we could be doing at the same time as well.’ 

‘You can watch me any time you wish, my lady Inquisitor.’ He kissed her again, feeling her body tremble slightly at his hand gently caressing one of her breasts. ‘I’m intrigued to hear of this toy of yours. And rather put out that you never mentioned it before.’

‘Better late than never, Commander. I even have it in my pack. Just in case,’ she smiled wickedly at him as he felt himself get harder again, despite his tiredness.

‘You’d make this simple soldier very happy if you now tell him the no sex in camp rule has been banished,’ he murmured, thinking through the logistics of how to best fuck her in the small tent. ‘You wouldn’t need your dildo then. Unless I choose to use it on you, of course.’ 

‘I think we can leave our no sex rule behind now, don’t you?’ She grinned at the look of delight on his face. ‘But that is for another trip. As is the toy. We should get some rest.’

‘But you –‘ he wanted to taste her as well, knowing how wet she would be.  

‘Cullen,’ she whispered as she came to lie next to him, relaxing in his arms. ‘Don't worry. This was just the beginning. I love you, you gorgeous man.’

She sounded drowsy already as he kissed her gently, feeling better than he had done since before she left Skyhold all that time ago. 'I love you too, beautiful lady.'

_I was too scared to hurt her._

_She deserves so much more._

Leaena fell asleep even as he said the words, a smile on her lips at his endearment. The last few weeks were tiring her quickly still. Cullen lay awake, listening to her breathing, the words of his friends echoing in his mind.  Slowly, he began to formulate a plan, anticipation building in him as he thought of what he could do for her.


	66. Fixing the Past

Lea’s wasn’t sure she could feel any more relief than she did at the sight of Skyhold, finally appearing over the hill as her horse cantered towards the distant towers. Searing desert heat, sun and the same yellow and blue landscape that had greeted her increasingly bored eyes over the last two months - combined with the hideous belief that she’d lost Cullen forever - had left her with an almost desperate need to obliterate that time from her memory.

She felt sick and the injury she’d sustained at the claws of the Nightmare was torturing her. She knew she should have rested a bit more before starting such an arduous journey, but she wanted to fix so much, something Lea couldn’t do away from home.

The fortress before her was bathed in bright, clear sunlight that only a cold winter’s day could bring. It even glowed in the sun, the light sparkling off the glittering granite chips embedded within the stone.

It also contained answers. She would finally find out how the Inquisition had managed to become so badly compromised – her failing and responsibility alone, and what had happened to nearly ruin her and Cullen. Lea fully intended on making the person responsible pay.

_In blood._

As a battlemage, Lea had no issue with violence when it was required, but she’d never considered herself to be a particularly vengeful person. The sight of Vivienne’s face, rising like a spectre before her eyes on an all too regular basis recently, had made her reconsider her position.

Just the thought of the damage that woman had done to everyone’s efforts to rid Thedas of Corypheus - not to mention the pain those letters had inflicted on Cullen - made her fingers twitch to draw her daggers. She was obsessed with the thought of stringing the other mage up and leisurely taking her time to slicing the woman’s skin up, piece by bloody piece.

_Starting with her face. Her pride and joy. Shall I carve the initials of every apprentice and mage she ruined during her time in the Circle? And follow up with every lover she cast to the sewer once she was done with them?_

_I’d run out of room._

She coughed suddenly, a load of dirt flying into her lungs as a gust of wind stirred up grime from the road and blew it in her face. The downside of the good weather was the amount of dust, leaving a gritty taste in Lea’s mouth and a thick coat of muck all over her armour. She shook out her hair, trying to remove the worst of it as she turned her face into the rays to enjoy the surprising warmth of the day, pulling her cloak close to her. She’d spent most of the trip doing anything to remove the chill inside her that she’d carried since the claw of the Aspect had raked her side.

Staring at the two points on her horse’s ears, not really seeing much else around her, she remembered how cross she had been when she was told no, she couldn't throw Vivienne into the dungeons of Skyhold and let the rats have a feast. Leliana and Cullen had both, unfortunately, looked slightly alarmed at her suggestion. There was still more to uncover about who Vivienne was working for, and why the Inquisition would be their target. Lea already had her suspicions on that score as well, but she curbed her natural impatience and decided to wait.

She didn’t even think much of the time at Montsimmard Circle any more. Vivienne’s more recent crimes had overshadowed that memory. She had hurt Cullen. And Lea wanted to make her hurt beyond reason in return.

_Not to mention that she rearranged my fortress with hideous, gaudy Orlesian trumpery!_

It would be replaced. Today. Lea believed in neutrality and demonstrating to their visitors exactly who they were dealing with. The Main Hall banners and furnishings uniformly displayed Inquisition colours and symbolism, reinforcing visually everything they were. The furniture too was simple but elegant, not reflecting one particular nation’s style.

Although - she hadn’t been able to resist creating a more peaceful space in the main garden area to allow for prayer and contemplation, part of the Chantry chapel that it then led to. She loved sitting there for a bit before walking to the War Room, hearing the chanting and singing of the Chant of Light outside. It made her feel peaceful, to hear the canticles she knew off by heart recited in the distance.

_It’s not just that though, is it Lea?_

If she was honest with herself, she always hoped she’d have the chance to hear Cullen singing again. Every single time she heard any sort of Chantry verse, it took her way back to that desperate flight from Haven, his deep, warm toffee-whiskey voice right by her ear as he sang along with the rest of the Inquisition.

Lea had deliberately not joined in, finding it infinitely more preferable to savour the sound of his words, sending shivers of joy through her body and sparks shooting right through her heart. She felt sure the Maker would forgive her that one lapse.

That tranquillity she felt in the garden, and at that precious memory, was at complete odds with the darkness in her soul every time she thought of the woman she was about to confront. And she wanted nothing more than to get on with it.

She glanced to her left where Cullen was riding alongside her, as he had done the whole trip, much to her pleasure. There had hardly been any chance for conversation which had irritated her, however. She’d almost had to tie herself to her saddle some days to not fall off from pain and exhaustion. He looked dusty, fed up of travelling, his blonde hair unkempt and in dire need of a shave – his words, not hers. And absolutely gorgeous.

Lea didn’t mind the stubble whatsoever. The memory of it roughly grazing her lips last night as she kissed him, his fucking beautiful cock in her hand at the same time, made a smile curve her lips as she thought about her plans for later.

_The look on his face as I told him how I entertained myself during all those long months was worth it alone._

_Andraste help me, I missed him so very much._

Giving him an impromptu blow job had the desired effect of breaking that awkward ice that had encased them both. Not to mention around herself. Lea hadn’t felt so sensual in a long time. The shyness and uncertainty around sex was quite the opposite to how she was normally, only adding to her frustration.

_Thank fuck I seem to have lost that weird attitude._

_I intend on indulging myself to the full with you, Commander._

There was a long way to go for them both, but she felt last night to have been a most positive beginning. Sensing the heat rising through her, Cullen looked across at her and gave her a slow smile, his amber-gold eyes starting to burn.

Lea caught her bottom lip between her teeth at the luscious sensation of warmth pooling in her stomach that slowly rippled down to her very core. They were surrounded by people, unable to say anything, but words were not necessary for Lea to know exactly what he wanted.

_But later. Vivienne first. Damn her for getting in the way yet again._

Her impatience to have him to herself again overwhelmed her at that point. ‘Race you,’ she called to him with a grin as she urged her horse forward, not looking to see what his response was. She knew he wasn’t very far behind, nor the others either, as the sound of hooves thundering across the drawbridge and echoing under the portcullis eventually announced the Inquisitor’s return to Skyhold.

Looking around her excitedly at all the improvements that had taken place, she slid off her horse, grabbing her bags and thanking the groom who shyly came forward take her horse away. Cullen had arrived right behind her, smiling at her evident delight at being back.

‘It looks wonderful, Cullen! All the repairs to the battlements now done – and the new practice ground set up? You have all worked so hard.’ Her eyes were shining with pleasure. ‘It never felt so good to be back anywhere as this does.’   

‘I am glad you approve, Inquisitor,’ he replied as he took her bags from her. ‘Everyone has indeed pulled out all the stops. I’ll take you for a walk later to show you more.’

Cullen moved to stand close to her then, his voice low and husky, pitched so only she could hear. His eyes were a warm amber, intense with the power of his emotions. ‘You have been very much missed, my lady. Particularly by me. It is good to have you home safe at last.’

She said nothing for a moment as she stared back at him, able to feel the strength of his love, the desire from their earlier exchange and the relief now she was here next to him at last. ‘I missed home – you – too. Andraste help me, you have no idea….’ Her throat felt choked up, Lea trying to get control of herself once more before she started to cry in the middle of the courtyard.

‘I think I do.’ Cullen was smiling at her now in that way he had of making her feel like the most special person alive, making her breath catch as her whole body tingled with awareness.

‘Let’s talk about it later. Look,’ he started to laugh as Sera positively bounced towards them. ‘Here’s a whirling dervish to welcome you back.’

‘Hah!’ Sera landed in front of them both. ‘Took your time, Quizzy. You and your Cully-wully. You’d better have made up by now. His thing and your thing... doing things. Best way, right.’ She giggled at the look on Lea’s face as she heard snorts of laughter from behind her.

‘For fuck’s sake, is there anyone who doesn’t have an opinion on our relationship?’ She threw her hands into the air in exasperation, her face flaming red. She looked back at the rest of her companions who weren’t bothering to hide their amusement at Sera’s direct statement.

Except Blackwall. But she wasn’t going to go there.

‘No. So now you know, you may carry on as you were, Inquisitor.’ Dorian gave her a cheeky grin.

Lea gave up. ‘War Room. Now. I know we’re all shattered and wanting to rest but there are – things we need to take care of.’

‘Hi Sera, it’s good to see you too.’ Cullen was laughing, unperturbed by the teasing as they walked towards the Main Hall. ‘If I told you I killed some demons for you, will you please remove the beehive from my training dummy?’

‘Pfft. Gone already. Poor bees, without you to keep them company every time you whacked them. They got lonely,’ Sera mumbled through some toffee that Lea had given her in the hope she’d stop talking about her and Cullen.

‘Don’t ask,’ Cullen murmured to Lea who’d looked at him with confusion.

‘Well, thought you’d been a bastard to Quizzy, yeah?’ Sera blinked at them both as Lea realised this particular prayer of hers was going to go unanswered. ‘Deserved something.’

‘I was and I did,’ he solemnly agreed.

‘But then it was only partly you. So the bees got to go home. You were still a shit to her though.’

‘Which reminds me, Buttercup, how big a prank did you pull off to get what we needed?’ Varric joined them as they walked up, interrupting smoothly before Lea could explode.

_I’m private. I can’t help it! And it wasn’t all his fault._

‘Haha!’ Sera gurgled in excitement. ‘That was fun! That’s one smell the witch won’t forget in a hurry!’

Lea’s gaze narrowed in anger as she saw the banners and heraldry in the Main Hall. The hangings and colours Vivienne had selected were still right up there next to the Inquisition’s – dwarfing it almost in fact, and all done in a style that was popular in Orlais. The furniture was ornate, opulent and gilded, laid out specifically to separate commoners from nobles.

It was everything she hated.

The colours also looked familiar to her too but she couldn’t quite place it. At her request, Josephine had changed the worst of it but left everything else in place. Lea wanted to keep her guessing rather than retaliate immediately. She hadn’t remembered it looking quite so bad.

_Ok well maybe not for so many months, but I am here now and it will be dealt with._

They made it to the War Room, Josephine and Cole waiting for them with smiles of greeting.

‘Inquisitor!’ Josephine said warmly. Lea noticed immediately when her mask slipped slightly, realising Cadan wasn’t with them.

‘Cadan is in Val Royaeux and Nathalie has gone to Weisshaupt. I don’t think Cadan will be too long. He is on a personal errand. Nathalie will take some time.’ Lea gave Josephine a hug, wanting to reassure her but not wanting to ruin Cadan’s surprise.

The hope that rose in her face as she looked back at Lea was something she knew all too well. ‘It will be alright, Josephine,’ Lea said quietly, smiling. ‘Have faith.’

She turned to greet Cole, who was sat contentedly on the War Table, swinging his legs as he watched everyone pile noisily into the room.

‘Hello Cole, how are you?’ she asked gently, interested to hear what he’d say today. Lea hadn’t had the opportunity to take him on missions yet, leaving him under Solas’ guidance. But she liked him and it was fascinating to have a spirit around the place.

_Vivienne hates him too. Which is an added bonus._

‘It was silent. Apart from the song. But I saw you. The Veil was thin where you were, Inquisitor. The darkspawn were below you. A long way off, but still singing.’ His clear eyes looked at her, almost unseeing.

Lea shivered at the memory of the Abyss, the darkspawn waiting for them below. Just as Cole said.

‘That’s right, Cole. It was a bad place. But we made it,’ she replied, wanting to reassure the young man.

He looked at Cullen then, who was standing back a little way from the group discussing something with Cassandra. ‘He is quiet, behind the noise. The little bottle makes him shake, but he tests the chains.’

Lea stared at Cole, startled to hear his first pronouncement on Cullen. It was deeply profound and left her feeling shaken. She knew he’d prefer not to have his innermost thoughts broadcast to the whole War Room. Fortunately, no one else seemed to have heard.

‘I haven’t even talked to him properly about it. What must he be going through, every day?’ she whispered to herself as her heart tightened painfully in her chest.

He almost never showed any signs of his inner battle with lyrium withdrawal, aside from that one, dreadful day. She hated the thought of him suffering, feeling like she’d let him down by not being there, or being supportive enough.

‘It’s alright. You saved him. That’s all that matters.’ Cole declared, making her jump. Lea had forgotten he was there.

‘I saved him? That’s how he sees it?’ Lea felt heat rise to her face as Cullen caught her eye just then, curious as to what had moved her so much. ‘But I didn’t do anything.’

‘To him, you did.’ Cole said simply as she looked down at her hands, realising they were trembling a little. She clenched them into fists, the twisting emotions inside her when she thought of Cullen and his bravery intense. ‘I can hear your pain too, Inquisitor. You mustn’t worry. Erimond is an asshole by the way.’

She burst out laughing at his unexpected words, feeling a bit less hopeless. ‘Yes he is. And Cullen fixed that particular problem for us, didn’t he?’

And then she thought of something. ‘Cole,’ she said, trying to think of the best way to word what she wanted. ‘Remember how we discussed about not sharing people’s thoughts?’

He nodded earnestly. ‘I do. They just appear. But I am trying.’

‘I know.’ She smiled encouragingly. ‘There is one person though, who I need to find out more about. And I need you to just break that rule for one moment.’

‘Jaws ache, dress stiff, binding. Years of work, favours fought, deals dealt, and the witch usurped my position.’ He looked straight at her, not needing to ask who she meant. ‘But still, Celene did not make Vivienne go away, Inquisitor. She respects her. Vivienne has not lost her status. The witch is merely a rival she intends to deal with when back at court.’

Lea gaped at Cole, peeping out at her from the brim of his enormous hat.

‘She was still in favour with Celene when she joined us?’ She couldn’t disguise her shock.

Cole nodded.

‘Thank you. Off the War Table now, before Josephine tells you off,’ she said absently, her mind working furiously as she processed all that Cole had said.

‘Yes. I don’t belong here. I’m not a war.’ He hopped off and made his way to Solas.

_Oh, Maker. This is getting complicated._

Lea was frozen for a moment, then sensed Cullen’s concern at what had her so disturbed. She looked at him with a smile and a gesture to show she was fine. This was a development she only wanted to discuss with her advisors for now. Wishing Cadan was here, rubbing her forehead to try and remove the headache that had just arrived, she called the meeting to a start.

‘Well done everyone. We made it home! And we successfully removed a demon horde from Corypheus’ grasp, saved some Grey Wardens. All in a day’s work….’

\------

‘Varric and Sera, please stay behind for a moment. As for everyone else, if I feel up to it, I’ll see you at the Herald’s Rest this evening. Drink and dinner are all on the Inquisition leadership. Relax and have fun. Thank you once again.’ Lea waited for them to tail off as she leaned unsteadily on the wall. She could feel every inch of the jagged injury all the way up her right side, burning, and her speech was slurred due to being overtired.

Cullen came over with water and toffee he’d raided from her bags earlier. ‘Here, sugar will help you. Stubborn one.’ His eyes were fond, loving and exasperated as he brushed some hair out of her eyes. ‘You must rest soon, Leaena.’

‘I will,’ she promised, desperate to kiss him, especially knowing how badly he wanted to have her to himself.

_As do I. Except I might sleep first._

‘This toffee tastes even better than normal. Let’s see what Varric and Sera have for us.’

She reached for her staff to support herself, only to be stopped by Cullen taking her left arm and wrapping it round his waist as he drew her close. ‘Maker, Leaena, your hands are cold. You can trust this lot. Lean on me and try to heat up.’ It was an order rather than a request, but she wasn’t going to complain. Lea rested heavily against him, immediately feeling better at the sensation of Cullen’s warmth and hard body pressed firmly against hers.

By some miracle, Sera said nothing, just smiling brightly at them both as she sat in the middle of the War Table.

_If I look closely enough I can just see Josephine twitching with frustration._

‘What do we have then?’ Lea looked expectantly at everyone, hoping for a quick resolution.

‘Our network was compromised by an Orlesian agent,’ Leliana said with frustration. ‘As you suspected, it is Vivienne.’

‘This leaves us in an interesting position, Frosty. You can let her continue to operate, whilst we gather more against her and whoever she is working for, or you can oust her today.’ Varric was quiet for a moment, watching her, knowing how much distress Vivienne had caused her personally. ‘I know it is hard, but I would recommend leaving her where she is for now. She is working for someone and, given the upcoming peace talks, we need all the information we can get.’

Lea looked to Leliana questioningly. ‘I agree with Varric, much though it pains me to do so. When Cadan arrives we can see what other work needs doing to ensure we know everyone who was involved.’

Leliana’s eyes glittered dangerously. ‘The person responsible for the rearranging of the Main Hall has been dealt with. Ser Morris will never listen to an order again unless it is from you or your advisors.’

Lea nodded reluctantly before letting her head rest on Cullen’s chest. ‘I don’t like it, but equally everyone spies on the other. I know it is all part of the process. The problem is, as you know, Vivienne moves things to a different level.’

 ‘I trust your judgement, Leliana and Varric. But today I will at the very least speak to her about this ridiculousness outside.’ She scowled in frustration. ‘Maker’s Breath, talk about her making things personal.’

‘There is one more thing, Quizzy, seeing as you mentioned personal.’ Sera jumped up. ‘You might want these back.’ Two thick rings rolled unevenly across the table, glinting dully in the dim light as they came to rest right in front of her.

Lea stopped breathing as she let go of Cullen and reached forward to pick them up, already guessing what they were. Wordlessly, she felt their heavy gold weight in her palm, one which carried her seal and one which had Cullen’s. They were exact copies, right down to the magic warding that was supposed to have prevented them from being stolen or used by anyone else.

Her tears were threatening to fall as she joined Sera to sit on the War Table too, unable to stand. Lea passed them to Cullen, his face white with rage at the remembered nightmare of the last two months as he examined them closely.

‘How was this possible?’ she whispered, not able to disguise the tremor in her voice. That sense of being violated swamped her again. Even knowing who she was dealing with, Lea was incredulous that someone had gone to such depths to be so malicious, injecting vast quantities of poison into two people’s lives just to spite her.

_It’s Vivienne. She does it for sport. Why am I surprised?_

‘Dagna can look into it,’ Leliana said softly. ‘We have new, better warded ones for you that she has crafted.’

‘Piss on that bitch. Can I be there when you do your magic voowoo on her?’ Sera rubbed Lea’s arm, her eyes sad to see Lea’s distress. ‘We’ll get her. Don’t worry.’

‘I’ll join you, Sera. If the whore is still alive by then, of course.’ Cullen’s eyes had gone that almost black shade when he was contemplating taking someone’s life, Lea noticed distractedly. It only happened when he was in a killing rage. Like with that Tevinter.

_And look what happened to him. Cullen practically ate Erimond for breakfast. He was a magister – far more powerful than her._

They both slid off their current rings, giving them to Leliana as Josephine handed them their replacements.

‘Thank you,’ Lea said shakily, talking to herself almost as she felt the band of the new ring cold around her finger. ‘How the fuck did she manage the handwriting? I’ve never heard of a spell or forgery that can replicate so perfectly someone else’s words.’

‘I haven’t heard of anything either,’ Leliana said, shaking her head.

‘We should know about it. Can you ask Dorian to look into it further?’ Lea rubbed her side again which was now sending pain throughout her in short, stabbing intervals. ‘I think you’ll find that the only reason our seals were used was to disrupt communication between Cullen and me. It would have been foolhardy in the extreme for Vivienne to try and tamper with messages across the Inquisition as a whole.’

‘She had meddled with our crows for that exact purpose, Lea. I want to wait until our sweep is done, but I believe it was to ensure she could intercept both of your letters only and send fake ones in return. I am sorry.’ Leliana looked devastated.

‘It’s alright, honestly, Leliana. We’re fixing it now.’ Lea was beginning to feel increasingly detached, the nightmare of the last few months and the horror of Adamant creeping over her, finding herself powerless to force it back as she usually did.

 Varric then came forward with two piles of paper in his hands, giving one to Cullen and one to Lea, regret on his face for what they had been through. ‘I think these belong to you. Sera retrieved your property for you.’

_It gets worse?_

Lea’s heart then actually stopped then as she took the thick pile of letters which had Cullen’s handwriting on. Each one had been opened and read. Her hands were shaking as she took the top one and looked inside. It was dated only a week before he’d left to join her with everyone else.

_Leaena,_

_I have nothing of military matters to write to you about. It seemed wiser to leave that to a different message given your recent displeasure with my decisions._

_Really, I was just looking for an excuse to write to you yet again and ask for your forgiveness. It’s clearly obvious how angry you are still and I’m so sorry for the pain I’ve caused you. I don’t know how often I can repeat this until you believe me._

_Despite what you’ve said, I can’t accept there is nothing left to salvage between us. You saved me from taking lyrium, albeit in a rather spectacular fashion. If you didn’t care, then why did you bother?_

_What has happened, my lady, to make you turn from me in such a brutal fashion?_

_I will be in the Western Approach soon. We need to talk and I won’t take no for an answer._

_Maker watch over you._

_C_

The heartfelt words, so awkwardly written in a desperate attempt by him to try and stem the madness between them both had left her in physical pain. She was biting her lip so hard to stop herself from crying she drew blood. Heedless of anyone else in the room, clutching the letters tightly in her now-frozen hands to hide how much she was shaking, she walked across to the window, desperately trying to compose herself as she instinctively drew her magic to her.

The depth of her sorrow for all the wasted time, dreams filled with nightmares, the anguish and the cruel words they’d deliberately used to cause more heartache was matched by what she could feel within Cullen. That someone could be so vindictive was beyond his realm of understanding and his fury had far outstripped hers. Yet through his rage, his lyrium was warm, soothing her as she fought for control, even now wanting to ensure her wellbeing first above his own.

_I end this now. She has controlled me for the last time._

Her eyes were burning white ice-cold as she tucked the messages into her pocket and walked back to the group, her posture rigid, her spine straight. She took Cullen’s hand, giving it a quick squeeze so he knew she would be fine, then turned to everyone else once more.

‘Thank you, Varric and Sera for all that you have done. This means a great deal to me – to us.’ She didn’t need to ask Cullen how grateful he was to have such intensely personal correspondence returned to them both.

‘Vivienne, as you have guessed, has done this directly to get to me and to throw things off course. Perhaps her master also intends on bringing down the Inquisition, or wants trouble at the very highest end of our leadership. I am not clear on this.’ Lea noticed detachedly that her voice had never sounded colder, even to her. She felt as if she was million miles away, the only way she could cope with the sheer volume of distress and anger streaking through her.

Magic was still coursing through her veins, singing through her body and reminding her of her own power and worth as she continued. ‘She knows we have these letters and rings back. It was all part of her little game, to show me how much she can hurt me. She, of course, has gathered valuable information on the Inquisition over those months she wouldn’t have been able to otherwise.’

‘Unfortunately for her, along with all her little schemes she’s tried over the years, she will not succeed. Together, we are all the Inquisition and we are stronger than ever, particularly with our recent victory at Adamant.’ The smile that was on her face did not touch her eyes at all. ‘And in a few minutes I will remind her of that fact. Cullen, Leliana, Josephine, can I speak to you privately?’

She nodded her thanks once again to Varric and Sera as they left the room, giving the elf her bag of toffee as a present before briskly turning back to her three advisors

‘Inquisitor?’ Josephine asked, looking slightly afraid of Lea at that point, who was still holding a significant amount of magic within her.

‘Don’t worry, Josephine. I just need to feel magic right now. It helps. Besides, Cullen is here.’ Lea barely registered what she’d said, the singing in her head even louder as she felt more and more disconnected from her surroundings.

_Falling, spinning towards the Abyss…..deliberately invading the innermost private space in my mind …..my love, gone forever…._

‘I would really rather not have to drain your mana, Inquisitor,’ he said mildly, all the while encouraging her to let some of her magic release itself, trying to relax her. ‘You’ll feel better if you let some go.’

She heard his voice through the blue haze in her mind, sensing his reassurances as she paced aimlessly, the recent events beginning to suffocate her. Lea badly needed some space, wanting the comfort she felt from her magic but dimly realising that it could be counterproductive to get lost in its song right now.

_Now is not the time to let go._

Sanity won. Slowly, reluctantly, she let the mana release from her body as she breathed deeply. The fog clouding her eyes started to lift, the music in her quietening as Lea felt herself return to her surroundings, feeling a bit more normal.

Turning back to face them, she saw how all three were watching her closely. Josephine still looked worried but Cullen’s face was impassive, understanding why she had done what she did and what had driven her to disappear in her head.

‘Freya does the same sometimes does she not?’ Leliana observed lightly, not phased either by Lea’s sudden tangible surge of power. ‘Your magic can be a support when things are difficult.’

‘It is. I’m tired which makes it worse, plus this thing on my side the Aspect blessed me with is fucking sore. And by the Maker, am I pissed off!’ Lea rubbed her temples, her headache almost blinding her as she reached for anther potion.

‘Sorry Josephine. I didn’t mean to worry you.’ She looked apologetically at the Ambassador.

‘It is of no matter. I was concerned for you but you seem back to yourself now.’ Josephine had lost her look of anxiety and was busy making notes again.

Lea turned to consider the map, looking hard at Orlais as she refocussed herself. ‘Thank you all for staying. There is much more to discuss with this theat. It isn’t as simple as Vivienne being the manipulative cow she normally is.’

She looked at them all, ice flowing through her blood as she considered the implications of her next statement. ‘I just had an interesting conversation with Cole. Vivienne was still in favour with Celene when she joined the Inquisition.’

‘But she has always maintained that she was thrown out of court! That is also what our investigations concluded!’ Leliana gasped, stunned.

‘I know,’ Lea replied, dismay in her voice. ‘Does it mean what I think it could?’

‘That what we were led to believe was a cleverly planted lie, done deliberately so we would never have known?’ Cullen’s face had gone even harder. To say he was displeased at this latest development was an understatement. ‘I thought all the evidence we had pointed to Celene and Vivienne having a big fall out because she was replaced by a new court sorcerer.’

‘Correct.’ Josephine was scowling in frustration, her mind working hard through all the potential outcomes.

‘Which means Vivienne must be spying for the very highest echelons of the fucking Orlesian Empire – reporting to Celene herself? Yet she continues to sit like the viper she is in the middle of our fortress?’ Cullen’s fist hit the table with force in a rare display of temper as his anger boiled over, pushed beyond his limits. ‘Leliana, I can’t agree to that woman’s continuing presence here!’

‘She and Celene are still in contact. Definitely.’ Josephine agreed, her face stern. ‘We found evidence of that with the papers although Vivienne had done her best to disguise it. She slipped up.’

‘Cullen – we have no choice,’ Leliana argued. ‘Celene wants to keep tabs on us which is not surprising, as does Gaspard. What is interesting, however, is the extent and level one of them has gone to do so. I presume Celene. We are a danger to the power of Orlais it would appear. Increasingly so. But we still need to understand how much. And why they see us as such.’

He ran both his hands through his hair in frustration, looking irritably at Leliana. ‘I’m don’t care what the Empress finds interesting. Can I remind you that Vivienne will also have known everything about the Inquisition’s forces and their movements for two months, not to mention every mission we undertook in the Western Approach?’

His voice was short and clipped as his bad mood continued to deteriorate. ‘Of course we are a threat! It doesn’t take a genius to work that out. We should be bloody grateful Celene and Gaspard are busy throwing their toys at one another, seeing how they ignored a foreign force of thousands that traipsed its way through the empire’s territory, with the sole intention of attacking their Grey Wardens.' 

'To make matters even worse, one of those two now has exactly the same level of detail as I do on the strength of the Inquisition’s military. And we’re proposing to leave that woman right where she is?’ Cullen stood with his arms folded and his face like thunder, refusing to accept the necessity of Vivienne’s presence at Skyhold for one moment longer.

Lea rubbed her sore side as she winced. She knew the rage within him was fuelled by a deep-seated fear that he wouldn’t be able to protect her or the Inquisition. ‘Leliana is right. We need more information still. She has to stay for now, until we can get to the Winter Palace and resolve our relationship with Orlais one way or another. We need their troops too, don’t forget.’

Her headache threatened to overwhelm her. She closed her eyes and let her head fall back as she leaned on the table, breathing slowly, before looking back at him once more. ‘Cullen, I know exactly what you mean and you’re absolutely right. I hate it too. I was even fantasising about having my daggers having their merry way with her in the darkest part of our dungeon. A cut for every day of misery she has caused me. You know how much that amounts to. But this is what we have to do right now.’

His dissatisfaction with her decision was evident and he was about to say more when Lea sat up, something else dawning on her.

‘Shit!’ she hissed furiously. ‘That’s what those bloody hangings are - Valmont colours! The bitch has been flaunting it in our faces for all these months!’

‘That’s right.’ Josephine said in annoyance as she realised as well. ‘I should have noticed.’

‘There is a lot we should have noticed, it seems.’ Lea felt like she’d failed somehow, despondency creeping in.

_That’s the price of running away. Learn from it, Leaena. This has cost you dearly._

‘You haven’t failed.’ Cullen said softly, knowing what she was blaming herself for. His temper had calmed somewhat as he realised how much she was struggling. ‘But Leaena, there is a significant security risk here with Vivienne still allowed to stay. Surely you can see that?’

‘I do, and I understand your point.’ She looked at him intently, hoping he’d come around. ‘But Cullen, we can’t disrupt things right now. We need to know more. Everything points to Celene but there’s every chance it could be Gaspard. This could all be a feint to throw us off. And I won’t be caught out by Vivienne ever again.’

‘Madame de Fer will want to be close to whoever wins the battle for supremacy in Orlais as they will support her bid for Divine. With the throne behind her she will not fail. As ever, she plays the Game deeper than most. Should Celene fall she will have a backup plan to integrate herself with Gaspard, and vice versa,’ Josephine added.

Cullen sighed in annoyance, waving a hand in dismissal of the whole subject as he resigned himself to the inevitable. ‘Alright, but I will come with you now when you speak to her and every time afterwards. Leliana and I will also agree extra measures to safeguard you, and Skyhold.’

‘Of course.’ Lea glanced at Leliana, who nodded her agreement. 

‘By the way, I have the name of an old…..friend – this witch Cole mentioned. Cadan sent word, which I have only just received. Her name is Morrigan.’ For the first time during their discussion, Leliana looked amused.

‘Morrigan?’ Lea was shocked, her eyes widening. ‘The Hero of Ferelden's companion? Like you and Alistair were?’

‘One and the same. Such a pity Alistair isn’t around to meet her again. Relations between Ferelden and Orlais remain poor still, to say the least.’ Leliana started to smile as her gaze became distant, remembering back ten years previously. ‘I do not know yet whether she could help or hinder us. But I will find out. Freya was close to her, which means something.’

‘That is quite a development. And we’re also making assumptions this could be Celene but let’s not forget Gaspard also could have a hand in this. Vivienne may well have fallen out of favour with the Empress and is playing the other side.’ Josephine then looked at the map on the table again, left in disarray by Cullen’s somewhat aggressive thump.

‘Oh Cullen,’ she chided. ‘That will take me ages to rearrange. Next time, punch a wall.’

‘Apologies, my lady Ambassador,’ he said contritely. ‘I’ll help put it back together.’

Lea managed to laugh at that little exchange, feeling a bit more in control of things now she knew what they were dealing with. ‘If you could please arrange for those reports on both Celene and Gaspard to be sent to my quarters I will look at them today. Let’s try and identify, as far as we can, what Orlais believes the Inquisition could do to shift the balance of power there – and who is more threatened by it. I believe I know the answer but I would like to be sure.'

She exhaled slowly, trying to reduce the magic still within her. ‘As for Vivienne herself and her motivations, outside of royally pissing me off? She wants power. Craves it. Her bid for Divine is a chance for her to secure herself. For all that she is an Orlesian agent, she still has no stability. She doesn't know that we've found that correspondence between her and Celene does she?’

'No,' Leliana replied. 'So to all intents and purposes she is not aware her cover has been blown. Hence why she remains here instead of leaving for Val Royaeux.'

'Vivienne just wanted me to know about the letters then. How charming. And for the love of the Maker, do not let Trystan or Cadan hear about this. She will be dead in seconds.' Lea frowned, looking around for her potions. She was struggling to not vomit, a combination of the toxicity of what had been done to try and ruin her life yet again, and from her wound. ‘There’s only one thing left to do in that case. I will see her. And then we can put our Main Hall back to rights again. I will be sure to go no further than that for now.’

She looked at Cullen, filled with determination to win this round with her nemesis. ‘Ready, Commander?’

‘Lead the way, Inquisitor.’ His neutral tone completely belied the truth of his real feelings.

Lea knew Cullen was furious. It wasn’t that fiery, heated anger that arose out of passion and love, the side of him he’d shown her when they were in the desert. This was the cold, ruthless Templar coming to life, dangerous and unforgiving - the man that hunted apostates mercilessly and killed them on sight, who cut mages down in the Harrowing Chamber without a moment's hesitation. It was a part of him that he kept well hidden. If she didn't already know he would never do anything to harm her, she would be a little frightened of Cullen right now.

She preferred him happy and relaxed, but Lea wasn’t adverse to having him in this mood whilst she dealt with the former First Enchanter. Cullen was formidable, in a terrifying way, when he chose to be. 

_Watch out, Vivienne. You can’t fuck this particular Templar into submission like you did all the others._

‘Let’s go. I find I am intrigued to hear what she has to say for herself. I shall see you both later,’ she said, smiling her thanks to her other two advisors. She thankfully found one of her last rejuvenation potions and quickly drank it before strapping her staff to her back. There would be no leaning on anything. To show weakness outside was not an option.

Lea was full of anger and anticipation at finally taking the first steps to rid herself of this woman from her life, for once and for all. Cullen knew it it, just as she could sense his confidence in her ability to triumph in a confrontation he knew would be difficult for her.

Giving Lea the ghost of a smile as he opened the door, he moved to walk by her side as they went to dodge their way through the nobles in the Main Hall, ready to deal with the menace that was Madame de Fer.


	67. Snakes and Troublemakers

‘You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to right now, Leaena.’ Cullen looked at her with concern as she drank from yet another vial outside the War Room. ‘That’s your fifth rejuvenation potion in the last two hours.’

He’d managed to conceal his worry from her inside – she’d had so much magic rampaging through her he doubted she could sense much of anything else at all. She was close to a breaking point he didn’t think she’d ever reached before, the events of the last few weeks finally catching up with her.

He hadn’t seen the severe injury she’d sustained in the Fade either since Solas and Dorian patched her up, but he could tell it pained her when she was tired. In her determination to try and right all the imaginary wrongs she believed she’d created, however, she was ignoring her health and pushing herself well beyond her limits.

Leaena was leaning against the wall with her eyes closed, taking some respite in the shadows of the vestibule and breathing shallowly as she retied her hair away from her face. Her lovely face was pinched from her discomfort and exhaustion, small lines having appeared round her eyes that hadn’t been there before.

It all added fuel to the black rage that Cullen was channelling very specifically in one direction, at one specific person. If he’d been able to take Vivienne straight to a Harrowing Chamber he would have by now. He was already regretting giving in to having the woman stay in the fortress.

He couldn’t say whether it was the extreme paranoia he had around Leaena’s safety, or a more genuine instinct, but something felt very wrong about the arrangement they’d agreed.

‘It’s lingered on too long, Cullen, you know it has,’ Leaena said firmly, interrupting his wandering mind.

She stood, the potions meaning she could walk unaided for a while and restoring a bit of colour to her cheeks and lips. ‘Come. Let’s get it over and done with. If I am more than five minutes with her, drag me away. I don’t trust myself to be polite for any longer than that.’

_Not yet._

_I can’t just let you walk off to deal with Vivienne, not like this._

So much had just happened inside that room he was struggling to process it all. A range of different emotions were trying to claim him, but there were some taking precedence above all others. All Cullen knew was that he couldn’t let her go to face her particular demon down, not without letting her know what was in his head and heart.

‘A moment, my lady.’ He reached for her as she was walking off, turning her slowly towards him to avoid hurting her side even more.

‘I am sorry that this happened to you. To us. I’m aware this is not the time – fuck, when is it the time?’ He exhaled slowly, holding her cold hands tightly in his as he tried to lend her his strength, willing her to get better. ‘I couldn’t let you go out there without saying something to balance out the malice we’ve experienced - targeted at you. I love you and I need to know you will be well.’

There was a darkness within her magic that had never been there previously, borne out of the nightmares she had been put through. Cullen was almost desperate to remove it somehow, erase what had happened just so he could have his sunny, happy Leaena back with him once more.  

She smiled, reaching up to press a lingering kiss on his lips, leaving him craving more of her touch as she stepped back a little to look at him properly. ‘I have wanted to do that all day. And more.’

Leaena's voice was filled with warmth, quiet in the dark corridor. ‘I love you too. I hate what you had to go through and how much it hurt you. The sooner I deal with this wretched plague of a First Enchanter, the sooner I can be with you properly at last. And then we will take all the time we need.’

Uncaring of who might see them, Cullen took her face between his hands, his thumbs lightly brushing her cheeks as he bought his face close to hers. She rested her forehead lightly against his as her arms came up round his neck, her fingers teasing the hair on his neck. The beautiful sapphire blue eyes that had haunted his dreams were burning with the intensity of her love for him as he sensed it flow through the very centre of her being, right where her magic lived.

‘She did not break us, Leaena, despite everything she could think of.’ His voice was filled with the strength of his own emotions, sending tremors through him. ‘I will stand by your side forever and fight all your demons for you if you want me to. I will never leave you.’

‘I know. You complete me, Cullen. There is nothing that anyone can do that will drive us apart again. I am here for you, always.’ Those words, whispered in her musical voice danced through his mind, wrapping their warmth around his heart. He felt her fingers move to his face, tracing along his jaw and down his neck. The small shockwaves she created were rippling downwards, making him wish he could take her somewhere now for them to be alone.

He lifted her lips to his as he kissed her gently, savouring the light taste of berries that was unique to her. He knew she was holding back a storm of tears through sheer force of will alone, but was still unable to prevent a few from escaping as he tasted their salty tang on his tongue.

Lifting his head, seeing the tears spill over, he wiped them away lightly with his fingertips. ‘Don’t cry, my lady. It breaks my heart to see you sad.’

‘These aren’t bad tears. They are happy ones. I’m finally with you, and we are home.’ Leaena gave him a brilliant smile that lit up her whole face, one he hadn’t seen from her in quite some time.

Cullen pulled her to him in a close embrace as he leaned against the wall, her body pressed up against him as he held her tightly. She had pressed her face into his neck, her breath ghosting across his skin to his collarbone, the rise and fall of her chest reminding him she was alive, here and well. 

_Thank you, Maker, for bringing her back safely to me._

They stood like that for a few minutes, taking pleasure and comfort in just being together once more, the madness of the last few weeks receding for now. He felt her magic release from her a little bit more as she began to relax, even feeling the pain in her wound decrease as the tension left her.

Leaena reluctantly shifted as she heard people in the distance. ‘Do I have to move?’ She then did the opposite, hugging him harder as she settled herself against him once more with a sigh of contentment.

‘Not if you don’t want to. I am in no hurry to let you go, ever.’ Cullen breathed in her orange-blossom scent as she nestled her head back against his shoulder, the black rage within his soul subsiding in these few minutes of quiet.

‘Although,’ he said, the thought suddenly occurring to him, ‘it depends on how much you care about being caught in a rather compromising position with your Commander.’

Leaena's next words made him feel absurdly happy. ‘I couldn’t care less if people found us like this. All it would do is make those grasping women outside swoon with jealousy that I’m here and they aren’t. I am past the point of wanting to hide how much I love you just for form’s sake.’

‘Me too,’ he said softly, his heart full as his fingers tilted her chin upwards so he could brush his lips gently across hers.

She then looked up at him, an impish expression on her face. ‘There are, however, some really quite forward marriage proposals that have come through Josephine’s mail, addressed to the most dashing Commander of the Inquisition. Should I be worried?’

_I missed you like this. It is so good to have you back, my lady._

‘I thought I was the one who should be feeling insecure. I recall some quite effusive poetry among more than a few letters seeking the hand of the fair Lady Inquisitor,’ he replied teasingly, laughing as a look of frustration crossed her face.

She kissed him quickly once more before slowly standing up straight. ‘You know you have nothing to fear. Besides, I bloody hate poetry. How Trystan revels in all that sort of thing is a mystery. Cassandra too is obsessed by having the perfect romance and being swept of her feet. They suit each other perfectly.’

_Maybe I haven’t done that badly so far? She’s still here after all._

Cullen took her hand as they made their way down the long vestibule to the Main Hall.

‘I always wondered if I should read you sonnets and feed you chocolate and wine.’ He couldn’t recall feeling this at peace with himself for a long time. It would have been before Leaena left on her last trip.

‘You are joking aren’t you?’ Leaena looked at him askance, making him chuckle at her horrified expression. ‘That is my idea of torture. The sonnets that is. Although I would never say no to the chocolate and the wine. Which you can give to me somewhere quiet and peaceful. Why do you ask?’

They’d reached the door to the main hall. ‘Just curious,’ he replied lightly, knowing she could sense his anticipation.

He wanted to see her reaction to the surprise he’d organised for her weeks ago but this had to be done first. ‘Are you ready to go and show Vivienne just how badly she misjudged us?’

‘She wasn’t far off though, Cullen,’ Leaena whispered, suddenly pale. ‘She came close.’

‘Did you ever stop loving me, Leaena? Throughout all of it?’ Cullen's eyes were intent on hers, half-dreading the answer even though he knew what her reply would be.

‘Never. It drove me almost mad, the war inside me, battling between hate and love.’ Her eyes were dark, her anger at what had been done to them resurfacing at lighting speed. ‘I hated hating you.’

‘As did I.’ He smoothed the stray strands of hair from her face, knowing how irritated she got by them falling into her eyes. ‘I was torn to the point of pain between wanting to leave and being unable to leave. But I never fell out of love with you. So no, she didn’t come close. Are we not here, together still?’

He kissed her lightly, his lyrium winding its reassurance around her to counterbalance the cold fear he could feel sliding through her magic. ‘We found a way through it, my lady. As we always do.’

‘You are right, as always,’ Leaena replied, smiling once more and feeling confident about the upcoming conversation she had to have.

‘Remember that when I next advise you to do something, Inquisitor. Your Commander is always right. You just said so.’ Cullen was pleased to hear her laugh as she pulled a face at him, trying to think of a way of banishing the darkness that had started to spread within her.

‘Just one second.’ He quickly issued some orders to a guard before turning back to her. ‘Shall we continue?’

\--------

They made their way through the waiting nobles. ‘Maker,’ Leaena said under her breath in annoyance. ‘Is there not an easier way we can manage this horde so we aren’t falling over them every time we walk anywhere?’

Cullen smiled slightly, understanding her frustration. ‘Let me talk to Josephine about it. Maybe we can find a different place for them to linger.’

‘I have to be able to walk through here on my own, unharassed. You can’t always shield me from their irritating presence.’ Her eyes flickered over him in approval as she smiled slowly. ‘That black plate looks rather good on you by the way. I may have to insist you wear it all the time in future.’

‘Why thank you, my lady. I look forward to you demonstrating your full appreciation later.’ He gave her a wicked grin, even as he felt the own heat rise rapidly within him at the purely carnal look that suddenly appeared in her eyes.

‘We can go right now if you wish, Cullen. I don’t need an excuse to skip this particular chore. Showing you the full extent of my approval will be infinitely more pleasurable than anything else I can think of doing.’ Her eyes blazed a bright blue now at her need to be with him, feel his skin next to hers and to indulge herself fully in his body.

The wet heat of her mouth as she slid it up and down his cock last night was a reminder of how it had been far, far too long since he had made love to her. His blood was pumping fast through his body, suffused with the adrenaline and energy that had instantly coursed through him at the thought of what she wanted to do.

Belatedly, Cullen realised they had ground to a halt in the middle of the Main Hall, both heedless of anyone around them as he was busily stripping her naked in his mind, fairly certain she was doing the same to him. A couple of snide titters from simpering Orlesian women, targeted at Leaena and the very obvious enjoyment she was taking just from looking at him, bought him back to their surroundings.

Leaena remained unperturbed by their sly glances. ‘See,’ she said quietly, smug satisfaction in her tone. ‘Jealous. Just like I said.’

Resisting the urge to forcibly eject the women out of Skyhold for their disrespect to the Inquisitor - who, in his opinion could look at him in that particular way anytime and anywhere she pleased - he gestured for her to walk next to him once more.

He chuckled at her veritable pout at having her plans for them both thwarted, wanting to turn to go to her quarters instead. ‘Do this, my lady and you will feel so much better. We don’t want any distractions later do we?’

 ‘Oh, very well. Let’s go.’ Her eyes were sparkling with her excitement at the thought of finally being alone with him.

She raised a finger to her mouth, slowly running the wet tip of it over her lips. Cullen couldn’t even hear the hum and buzz of conversation in the Main Hall, so fixated was he on the nail that was grazing across the delicate dusky pink skin, leaving a trial of wetness after it.

‘Speaking of distractions,’ she whispered, smiling sensually as she read the message in his eyes, ‘I’ll allow you time to do what you must for the Inquisition. Make sure your officers know not to bother you after that, Commander. I believe I will require your presence for the rest of the day.’

‘As you wish, Inquisitor.’ he murmured, his voice thick with desire. ‘I find that is one order I will take pleasure in enforcing. You are all mine tonight, Leaena.’

‘That is a promise I will take great delight in holding you to, Cullen.’ She was biting her lip, her eyes dark with lust.

He knew she was contemplating what she wanted later. The myriad of possibilities just made the fire in his stomach burn even hotter.

Forcibly, she tore herself from his heated gaze, then sighed in frustration as she looked towards the mezzanine. ‘Damn. Such a mood killer. Shall we?’

She then lifted her chin to that determined angle he recognised, facing forwards once more to climb the stairs where Vivienne had claimed a space.

‘This won’t take long, I promise,’ she said as they reached the top.

_That’s a sight to cool my ardour._

He could immediately see the former First Enchanter, lounging on the sofa at the top. She was wearing some sort of white dress with a huge diamond shape cut out, her overripe breasts squeezed out from the sides, making it look almost painful.

She was not an unattractive woman, and it was apparent that Vivienne had once had a good figure. The days of being able to carry off such revealing outfits had, however, long left her behind.

‘The expression you are looking for is mutton dressed as lamb.’ Leaena was having trouble stifling her laughter as she felt his distaste.

‘What is that she has in her hand? A dead bird’s wing?’ He knew he was staring but he’d never seen anything so strange as to what she was waving around in the air.

‘I’ve not heard of a fan being described as such before, but why not? That type is height of fashion in Orlais don’t you know, my dear Commander.’

‘Of course I don’t bloody well know. It’s the most pointless ornament I’ve ever seen a woman use. Which, I suppose, fits who we’re dealing with perfectly.’ The artifice of the scene in front of him had the blackness raging through his veins once more, remembering everything Vivienne had done to the wonderful woman next to him to try and break her.

‘Keep looking like that, Cullen. Even I feel intimidated when you get that particular expression on your face.’ Leaena started to walk forward.

Just at that moment, Vivienne languidly sat upright to greet them, slowly fanning herself with what Cullen could only now think of as a dead bird. She was surrounded by typical Orlesian furniture, extravagant white and gold pieces that looked quite out of place in a Ferelden fortress.

He saw what Leaena had meant about the colours she’d used for decoration – it was all in Valmont blue. A picture of Celene also hung on the wall behind her. It was either a sign of her loyalty to the Empress, or an obvious feint.

Vivienne had a reputation among Templars. Everyone knew that the no fraternisation rule with mages was regularly broken. But this woman had, over the years, corrupted quite a large number of his colleagues. She’d remained protected for so long because of her relationship, firstly with the First Enchanter and then Duke Bastien. How she’d pulled the wool over their eyes was not something he wanted to contemplate.

_Maker’s Breath! I don’t think so!_

She had assessed him rapidly, in the way that women had about them, to see if there was any mileage to be gained in getting him into her bed. She had dismissed it out of hand, fortunately for her, just as he felt Leaena’s magic spike in a sudden torrent of fury. She'd caught the blatant calculating look in Vivienne’s eyes as they ran over her Commander.

The very thought made Cullen cringe.

‘Dearest Vivienne,’ Leaena trilled suddenly, making him feel a bit startled. He’d never heard her use such a sickly sweet voice before. ‘It has been such an age since we last spoke.’

He went to stand just behind her, his arms folded as he gave a very imperceptible nod towards Vivienne, before staring at her in stony silence.

‘Welcome, Inquisitor – and the Commander is joining us too. I should be honoured. Skyhold has been positively bereft without your presence.’ Her eyes were filled with malice as she looked in disapproval at the condition of Leaena’s appearance, clearly not honoured at all by their visit. ‘Why, whatever have you been up to, my dear, to look in such a state – rolling around in the stables?’

Cullen did not miss her implication as he watched Vivienne’s cold smile spread across her face. Blackwall had his sleeping quarters next to Master Dennett.

Her eyes were hard and icy, her aura a dark blue as the other mage held her magic to her - something all mages did when they felt insecure and under threat.

_Is that the best you can do? Jibe about a man who is as much of a threat to me as a fly?_

_Let’s see how secure you feel now. I'm fucked if I'll give you the opportunity to cast around her._

Vivienne’s eyes abruptly returned to her normal brown colour, positively bulging from her head. She tried frantically to control the horrified reaction all mages had when they were suddenly cut off from the Fade, her breathing short as she gasped for air.

He sensed Leaena’s amusement as he placed one of the strongest Silences he could muster on Vivienne, judging that the other woman wouldn’t want to admit to any kind of discomfort. Which she, of course, didn’t.

‘Nothing quite so childish - my horse is, sadly, fond of shedding hair.’ Leaena looked at her quizzically. ‘What a startling conclusion for you to reach! How very unconventional you are, Vivienne. You’re such an inspiration to us all as we get older, I’m sure.’

The look of anger in Vivienne’s eyes as Leaena made a dig about her age was apparent. ‘It is a pleasure to have you in my salon today, Inquisitor. I must say, you keep fascinating company. That little elf for one is certainly a colourful character. Just like a poisonous toad I encountered in the Hissing Wastes once.’ Her voice oozed insincerity. ‘Fortunately I have ways of eliminating vermin from my sphere.’

There was no disguising the underlying venom dripping from her words and the spite blazing from her eyes. ‘I hope your travels were uneventful. How dull, to be stuck in a desert for so many weeks - and so far from Skyhold. It must be difficult to manage communication effectively over such distances.’  

‘On the contrary, it was quite the opportunity,’ Leaena gushed effusively, her eyes wide with feigned excitement.

‘The Inquisition is growing so rapidly, as is our army. I’m sure you’re pleased to hear it gave us a chance to find alternative ways of working. Not to mention, of course, the clarity one gains in such heat, focussing one’s mind on what is truly important.’ Her eyes flickered over Vivienne in a clear indication that the woman was not included in her newfound priorities.

She then gestured towards Cullen, letting Vivienne see the warmth and love in her eyes. ‘I’m sure you want to congratulate Cullen on the splendid victory he led us to at Adamant Fortress. I find myself even more unable to be without his leadership and guidance than ever before. The Inquisition considers itself most fortunate to have the benefit of his expertise.’

He was surprised. It was a thoroughly un-Orlesian thing Leaena had just done in being so direct. Cullen looked at her with pride, a small smile on his lips. She had every intention of showing the vile woman that her cruel plan to separate them had gone nowhere.

Vivienne looked like she’d sucked on a lemon as she inclined her head by an inch, her voice dismissive. ‘A veritable triumph, Commander. And one of many skirmishes that are still ahead.’

She turned back to Leaena, a patronising expression on her face as she completely ignored Cullen once more. ‘You should really encourage more Chevaliers to join the Inquisition, my dear. They exercise such discipline and prowess on the battlefield, always putting duty above their own needs first.’

Her none too subtle scorning of his decision to stop taking lyrium merely entertained him.

‘There is clearly no end to your talents, Vivienne. I did not realise you were a military expert as well. Celene must truly be regretting her decision to expel you from court.’ Her bright smile did not waver. ‘I appreciate your advice, but I do believe we have more than enough Orlesians at Skyhold presently.’

Cullen could sense Leaena forcibly trying to make herself change the subject before she said something that would expose their real motivations.

_What does she hate the most?_

_Of course. Her power is derived from the Circle, first and foremost._

‘How are you finding life as an apostate, Madame de Fer?’ He wanted to give Leaena the space to calm down. Vivienne’s jibe at his expense had upset her far more than it had him. ‘It must have heightened the challenges you already faced at court once the Circles started to fall.’

‘I have no idea what you are implying my dear Commander,’ she replied swiftly, not missing the loathing in his eyes.

‘Celene is unique in her patronage of the arcane. But even so, with your magic, you still must have been kept at arm's length, never able to play the Game to its fullest.’ He looked scathingly at her. ‘Some part of you must always wonder if you could have gone further had you not been a mage.’

‘Without magic, I doubt the Orlesian court would have interest in me at all,’ she twittered.

‘How that must rankle. You have my sympathies.’ he replied blandly, continuing to talk and not wanting to give her a further opening.

‘Now you are out of favour in Val Royaeux, do you also believe you can reclaim your power in the Circle after such an experience? Especially at your age?’ His tone was one of mild interest. Cullen was disinterested in following the intricate dance of words Leaena was so much better at manipulating than he was.

‘I find new opportunities present themselves at the strangest of times, Commander.’ Vivienne’s voice was flat, barely maintaining the bizarre veneer of politeness they all had decided to adopt.

She all but turned her back on him at that point to watch Leaena who was running her fingers absently over a desk, having managed to control both her mirth at Cullen’s words, as well as her own anger.

Leaena looked around her then walking to gaze down at the Main Hall. ‘Such interesting furniture choices you have made, Vivienne. You always did have such unique taste.’

‘It is delightful to hear how appreciative you are of my efforts. Whilst what you did was quite charming, a more mature style is in order to demonstrate the influence the Inquisition now carries - even though you are never around to manage such weighty matters.’ She was openly disparaging of Leaena and her efforts outside of Skyhold.

Her smile condescending, she turned around to face Vivienne once more. ‘Your little attempts at interior design are really quite - quaint. Even given how much younger I am, I can understand how this mature style you mention would appeal to you.’

‘Whilst it is very kind of you, I have enough help already when it comes to decorating my fortress.’ Leaena’s voice was hard as she went to dismiss Vivienne’s meddling.

‘Don’t mistake my earlier comments, dear girl, your responsibility and foresight are a model to us all. Yet Skyhold belongs to the Inquisition, does it not? As its current leader, it is curious that you would take such an interest in a minor detail. Yet I must commend you - it is good to know your limits after all.’ Vivienne’s smile remained malicious, her eyes shooting poison darts at Leaena.

_The only thing Leaena is good for is to move furniture round…..wait._

_Current leader?_

Cullen forced himself to not grab Vivienne by the neck and break it there and then at her brazen implication Leaena might not always be the Inquisitor in the future.

‘Darling.’ Leaena purred, letting the green light from her hand glow brighter for a moment in a blatant display of power Vivienne could never have. ‘I _am_ the Inquisition. Andraste’s Herald. None of this would exist without me. Whatever took you so long to realise?’

‘Oh! You poor creature!’ A hand flew to her mouth as she looked apologetic. ’Perhaps you’d forgotten?’

She tilted her head to one side, looking pityingly at the woman who had tormented her for so long. ‘It must be your advanced years Vivienne, making your memory slip so. You could never hope to regain any status, could you - particularly as your power may well be fading along with your mind. What a tragedy that must be for you – my dear.’ 

This time there was no mistaking the vicious bite to Leaena’s final words. 

_Well done, my lady. She did not like that one bit._

Vivienne kept her face impassive through what Cullen suspected was years of iron discipline as she clawed her way to the top. Not for nothing was her nickname Madame de Fer. Yet Leaena had, finally, managed to render her speechless.

With an eloquent wave of her hand, Leaena at last put an end to the woman’s more obvious machinations. ‘Charming though it has been to see you practice your minor artistic endeavours throughout Skyhold, I’m afraid we will be unable to utilise your generous efforts.’

‘Should you find the need to rearrange furniture in the future, it would be best if you kept it to this little studio of yours.’ The glittering sparks of revenge in Leaena’s eyes were now evident. ‘As you say, it is good to know your limits. I believe you may have overexerted yourself of this occasion.’

‘Be a dear and run along now, Inquisitor,’ Vivienne hissed through gritted teeth. ‘I have so much to attend to.’

‘Of course you do. Always a delight speaking with you, Vivienne.’ Leaena gave her a cheery wave as she gestured for Cullen to follow her, silently gliding away.

They walked off, feeling Vivienne’s eyes boring into them both. Pleased though he was that Leaena had won that particular clash, Cullen suspected that the viper in their nest would not be satisfied till she saw Leaena bought down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I borrowed some of Solas' dialogue in-game. It is so brilliant I couldn't resist.


	68. Confessions

‘Her fucking ‘salon’,’ Leaena muttered under her breath, sounding thoroughly unimpressed as they walked down the stairs. ‘Could she get any more pretentious? It’s a chaise-lounge and a few tatty bookshelves. She was ever the master of making more out of something than it actually was.’

‘You did brilliantly, Inquisitor. That was quite possibly the bitchiest conversation I’ve ever heard. And there was nothing she could say that wouldn’t have given away her real reason for being here.’ Cullen glanced across at her, feeling the tension that had been within her for so many weeks steadily dissipate.

‘How do you feel after that?’ he asked as they reached the Hall itself.

‘Let’s go to my quarters. Your bags are there aren’t they?’ As he nodded she rubbed her forehead distractedly. ‘She doesn’t have the same power she used to over me, but I feel glad it’s done all the same. Like I’m taking steps to end it at last – it feels positive. And, you’re right. There was more she wanted to say but couldn’t as it would have just told us why she’s really here.’

‘I was hard pushed not to kill her on the spot,’ Cullen said quietly. ‘There’s only one way you wouldn’t be Inquisitor anymore. She blatantly threatened your life.’

‘I know. I felt your fury. It’s her way though.’ He sensed Leaena wanting to reassure him, her magic singing softly in his ears. ‘She’s just trying to throw us. And we’ll find out soon enough if she means it or not. I’d like to see her try. I only need one reason to throw her into your dungeon so she’s welcome to give it to me.’

This time when she spoke there was glee in her voice. ‘Her face when you Silenced her, Cullen - I could have cried with laughter! And she hated the way you spoke to her!’

He gave a brief chuckle at the memory. ‘You seemed somewhat discomposed, my lady. On my behalf, for which I thank you, but I have heard far worse than her petty needling. I just wanted to give you a chance to recover.’

‘Well, I appreciate you saving me from what would have ended up to be a rather serious diplomatic faux pas. I’m not ready to take Celene or Gaspard on just yet.’ Leaena’s irritation flared as she thought back over the conversation. ‘I also can’t believe she had the bare faced gall to consider seducing you!’

‘Did you have to remind me?’ She tried and failed to stop a giggle escaping at Cullen’s look of utter disgust. ‘Vivienne must have a rather low opinion of men, to think that we’ll always take whatever is offered to us on a plate. I wasn’t even to have been consulted over the matter!’

‘Don’t worry, Commander,’ she laughed gaily, her relief at having that particular discussion with Vivienne transforming her into the lady he knew and loved. ‘Lend me your sword and I will protect your honour.’

Leaena’s face was alight with merriment, attracting interested stares from the room as to what they might be discussing. Both of them were far too focused on each other to even notice what was going on around them.

‘Are you mocking me, my lady Inquisitor? You’d drop my sword before you could even raise it above your head and then where would I be?’ Her good humour was infectious, making Cullen smile as he teased her.

‘Knee deep in marriage proposals I do believe,’ she grinned at him. ‘And I would not drop your sword! Besides, surely someone who looked as threatening as you did just now can fend off a few hapless females?’

‘I would rather avoid them in the first place. I find it far more enjoyable to focus all my energy on you.’ Her eyes went warm, softening at his words as a delicate flush crept up her neck.

Just then, they finally arrived at her quarters, several hours after they had made it back to Skyhold.  Cullen opened the door for her, letting her go through first before locking it behind them. She leaned against the wall, pulling off her boots slowly to avoid hurting her side more as he rapidly shed his heavy plate armour with a sigh of relief.

_At last._

_I hope she likes it._

‘Did you see Vivienne’s – oh!’ Leaena stopped talking as he kissed her soundly.

‘This is the first time I have had you alone for months and I do not want to ruin it by talking about that woman. I am only interested in you.’ The pleasure of having her so close to him once more where they could be completely private was flowing over him.

‘Very well,’ she smiled contentedly, her happiness at finally having some space to be together apparent. 

Cullen had prepared a surprise for her which had been waiting in her room for two months. Leaena hadn’t even bothered going back to her quarters on her last visit and still had no idea it was here. He couldn’t wait to see her reaction.

_I hope she doesn’t think I interfered._

Leaena had often complained about the sheer space in her quarters and how empty it felt, but not having the time to do much about it. She preferred to stay with him, feeling more comfortable in the less formal atmosphere of his far more humble rooms. 

He had almost forgotten what it looked like in here. The fire was crackling in the grate, throwing out its warmth to the whole room. Deep red drapes and thick rugs on the floor added to the cozy atmosphere Leaena had managed to create. The bed had a big white fennec fur blanket, lying on top of thick red blankets and big fluffy pillows.

There was little in the way of art as she preferred simplicity. There was, however, a framed portrait of her family hanging on the wall, a depiction of the Ostwick and Trevelyan crests next to each other and a miniature of Andraste on her desk.

She had amassed quite a collection of literature over the months, ordering them wherever she was travelling. The last time she had been home, they had been piled in an untidy heap by her desk which had been almost dwarfed by the sheer amount of tomes she’d managed to gather.

Leaena also loved to read. Often after he was finished at the end of the day, he would find her curled up in the middle of his bed with a book as she waited for him – or the book still clutched in her hands as she slept. She was a fast reader and had already worked her way through most of his works.

Cullen had felt particularly bad about not having done anything nice for her before. After that conversation with Dorian, he decided to put together a small library area for her, somewhere she could study, work and relax in peace. It had been easy enough for him to organise whilst he’d been checking her room that fateful day.

‘Cullen,’ she said quietly as she looked around the room. ‘Was this you?’

Bookshelves lined the wall on either side of the fireplace, filled with the volumes that had once littered the floor. He knew he’d find everything from military strategy and history books through to rare magical scrolls and Varric’s crime serials.

_No poetry though. Thank the Maker._

A small sofa and two armchairs with a little table, sitting on a thick creamy wool rug, were arranged around the hearth, with cushions and a throw for the rare occasion she would get cold. Two large candelabras glowed with candles, positioned so she could read late into the night if she so wanted. 

The balcony doors were closed but the afternoon sunlight was still streaming in through the windows, landing on the refreshments had been lain out on the table and chairs he’d also found. Leaena hated eating at her desk, often skipping food to concentrate on finishing her tasks. Hopefully now he could persuade her to eat a little more. She had lost too much weight.

‘Welcome home, my lady. I hope you like it.’ Cullen was feeling a little nervous as she said nothing, walking to the shelves and running her hands reverently over some of the books.

Her eyes were huge, turning a deep blue and filled with disbelief as she walked back to him. Her hands reached for his face, the coolness of her touch against the warmth of his skin at odds with the heat he could sense burning through her body. 

‘No one has ever done anything so thoughtful for me before. And I waited two months to come back?’ Leaena was breathing shallowly as he felt her emotions rocketing through her. ‘What a fool I was.’

She was looking at him almost as if he was too good to be true, her fingers tentatively moving across his face in slight awe, flashes of energy shooting through him wherever her touch lingered.

‘You are here now. That is all that matters.’ Cullen felt ridiculously pleased that she liked it so much.

_And this is just going to be the start._

_I have waited too long for you._

‘It is perfect. Thank you so much.’ She kissed him again before wrapping her arms around his waist and hugging him tightly. He could smell the light orange-blossom of her scent as her head nestled comfortably against his shoulder.

‘Do you want something to eat?’ he asked her after a minute, not wanting to let her go.

She sighed, standing up. ‘I suppose so. I feel those potions wearing off. But I want a bath first. I am quite filthy. As are you for that matter.’

And, quicker than he could blink, the atmosphere changed from relaxed to electric.

Leaena looked up to where she’d had a large bath installed, waving her hand as he felt a prickle of magic settle on his skin. She turned back to him with a smile he knew so well, the blue fire in her eyes smouldering as he felt his adrenaline immediately begin to rise.

‘Would you care to join me?’ Not waiting for an answer as she knew what it would be, she started to walk up the stairs, slowly pulling off each item of clothing and letting it fall behind her.

Cullen stood back, thoroughly enjoying his view of her body slowly being revealed to him. She just had a shirt on now, her long legs graceful as she climbed to the top. He watched her deliberately adjust the line of her black pants, leaving him unable to do anything but stare in fascination at her rounded, pert ass.

He moved closer, wanting to see her better, only to have her disappear behind the closed bannister.

‘That’s not very kind of you, Leaena,’ he said, his body filled with heat and expectation, slightly amazed at how hard he was already.

‘You’re denying me the pleasure of admiring you. I’m just returning the favour,’ she replied silkily as she threw her top down, quickly followed by her bra. ‘You know what you need to do if you want to see more.’

Cullen threw off his coat and shirt, just leaving his breeches on as he quickly made his way to the top of the stairs. Leaena walked forward to meet him dressed only in black, lacy pants that left very little to his imagination.

‘Don’t worry about that,’ she said softly as he hesitated, seeing the big angry clawmarks still very much in evidence all the way down her right side. ‘I need you.’

He nodded, letting his eyes linger over the sway and curve of her hips as she moved, before slowly moving upwards to admire her full, perfect breasts. Her dusky pink nipples were darkening as her desire intensified, fuelling his need to tease them against his rough palms, feeling them go hard against his fingers.

‘That’s still too much clothing you have on, Cullen.’ Her gaze was hungrily roving over him as she stopped before him, her hands sliding over his chest, the energy in her touch sending a spiral of fire through his centre and down to his stiff cock.

Her thumbs lingered over each of his nipples, running over them in a circular motion before letting her fingernails drag over them, traveling down the muscles over his stomach. He heard himself suck in a sharp breath, an instinctive reaction to the intense sensation she was creating.

‘So why are these still on you then, Leaena?’ His hands slid underneath the lower seams of her pants, stroking her hips as his fingers ran across her skin to each buttock, gently avoiding her scar. He felt her shiver underneath the heat of his palms as his fingers felt the dampness of the cloth, telling him how wet and ready she already was for him.

Cullen looked up and saw a long mirror behind them, giving him a clear view of her slender back arched up against him. His hands cupped her ass cheeks, pulling her hard up against his groin so she could feel his erection throbbing against her pelvis.

‘It’s rather unreasonable for me to be naked when you aren’t,’ he whispered, alternately nibbling and kissing her neck, her soft skin warm on his lips as he inhaled her the light, delicate scent.

He took one hand then and grazed his thumb over her clit from the outside, watching her eyes glaze over at the sensation of his light touch, a pink blush creeping across her chest as her breathing quickened. His thumb stroked down towards her lips, the wetness from her juices now beginning to soak through the material.

Her nails had been raking a trail of fire across his back and stomach, working her way down to trace the outline of his erection straining against the linen before lingering over his balls. Just one nail was now firmly circling its tip, making him struggle to stop his legs from shaking as shock after shock of energy coursed through his cock and up through his abdomen.

‘Why, are you not enjoying your view?’ Her fingers slid underneath the material to tease the diagonal slope of muscles that ran from his lower abdomen to his groin, as he felt them clench with desire at her touch.

‘Very much so, my lady, as you well know.’ He needed to put an end to the incredible, sensual torment she was causing him, not wanting the first time they had sex, after so long, to end too fast.

‘Perhaps you would too.’ Cullen turned her to face the mirror, seeing the primal expression on his face as her eyes widened in anticipation, waiting to see what he had in mind.

Letting her lean back against him as his thumb found her clit again, Leaena was able to watch exactly what he was doing as he bent down to her neck, biting her earlobe gently.

Her body was quivering with lust, her eyes fixated on his hand slowly rubbing that sensitive nub in circles over her pants. Her arms were by her side, her fists clenched with the strength of pleasure flooding through her.

‘You are so beautiful,’ he murmured, his eyes never leaving her face. The sight of her becoming increasingly excited by watching what he was doing to her, combined with the feel of her body against his and his thumb now wet from her juices, left him struggling to not simply bend her over and slide his cock straight into her heat.

He stopped for a moment, pulling her pants down, wanting her to see more as she stepped unsteadily out of them. ‘Lean on me again,’ he instructed. ‘I want you to see what I see.’

Cullen slid one hand around her waist, holding her closely to support her further as he slid his other hand slowly down her body, caressing each breast and gently turning the nipples between his thumb and finger. Leaena was unable to speak any more, lost to the waves of pure sensation he’d created.

‘These fucking amazing breasts feel so good – the weight of them, their softness.’ His voice was hoarse with his need for her as his hand explored her stomach, before returning to her breasts. He gently massaged each one before moving down along her pelvis, her muscles tensing with each motion.

He then used his leg to move hers apart slightly as his hand moved down to her lips, her wetness having spread already to the tops of her thighs.

‘I know how much you like it when I rub your clit between my fingers like this.’ He slid them over her lips and into her folds to moisten them further, before rubbing the now swollen nub firmly and slowly up and down between each finger.

She was breathing faster as she was getting wetter by the moment, fixated on the sight of his hand responsible for creating that unbearable, delicious tension within her, but still wanting more.

‘What will I do to you next, my lady?’ His own breathing was short as he held her against him, the tightness in his groin and balls becoming almost intolerable. He couldn’t stop though. Watching Leaena seeing herself being played with by him was one of the most erotic things he’d ever experienced.

‘Cullen,’ she gasped, her mouth open, her teeth biting her tongue as he continued to stroke her now soaking wet folds. ‘I need you – don’t stop…’

He lifted his hand away from her clit, looking at her juices dripping off them for a second before sliding his fingers right to the back of her mouth, looking at her sucking them slowly. ‘Make sure my fingers are clean, that’s a good girl.’

The heat of her mouth and her smooth tongue running along his fingers as she licked them clean reminded him of how much he wanted her mouth to fuck his cock, just like the night before. 

Turning her towards him, he kissed her hard, immediately driving his tongue between her lips. The taste of her sweetish tang made him groan as he slid his hand down over her ass and started to finger her wet entrance from behind.

She trembled at the feel of one of his fingers sliding into her, breaking off the kiss and making her cry out as she bit his shoulder, her fingernails clawing his back. ‘Shit, I can’t wait –‘

‘Of course you can wait,’ he growled out. ‘You need to keep watching yourself, Leaena. We aren’t finished yet.’ He turned her to the mirror sideways, reaching for a chair and seating her right on the edge as she gripped the sides hard, alternately looking down at him and across at the mirror.

Cullen wasting no time as he kneeled down in front of her, needing to taste her properly. His tongue immediately found her clit, flicking it gently as he placed one hand over hers on the chair to keep her in place.

She let out a loud moan as his tongue flickered down over her lips and probed the heat of her entrance, her juices covering his chin and lips. She tasted sweet and salty, that musky, purely feminine smell of her making him wonder how much longer he could hold out for. His cock was so hard by now it was almost painful.

He looked up, seeing her eyes were closed as she was approaching her climax. He stopped and sat back, using one finger to wipe the sticky wetness of her from his chin, licking it clean.

‘What the fuck, Cullen!’ Leaena gasped in frustration, her eyes burning with the blue fire of her need as she stared at his tongue slipping between his lips. ‘Don’t do this to me, please – ‘

He caught sight of her, trembling and flushed. Leaena’s skin looked pale against the deep tan on one of his hands that were holding her legs apart. Her outer lips and thighs were glistening with a mix of his saliva and her juices.

_Fuck, this view of her, wet, ready and wanting me so badly….._

Cullen’s stomach contracted almost painfully at the intensity of emotion that hit him, making his breathing laboured and reminding him again of how badly he had missed her in those long, lonely months.

‘I told you to watch yourself in the mirror. Unless you want me to stop?’ Speaking was becoming a huge effort.

She shook her head, biting down on her lip hard as she obediently looked back at herself.

He then continued to tease her clit lightly with his teeth before letting his tongue circle it slowly. Her whole body was shaking as she breathed hard, only intensifying further as he slid his index and middle fingers inside her wet entrance.

Leaena moaned her approval as his fingers fucked her, letting his tongue tease her clit in a steady rhythm. He didn’t want her to come just yet, knowing she could wait a while longer. One of her hands had moved to his head by then, pushing him into her as her hips were beginning to rock against his hand, her back arching and her hops thrusting forward.

The sound of her wetness against his fingers, flicking right against a sensitive point high inside of her was driving rational thought from Cullen’s mind. He could feel her now getting very close to orgasm, her body beginning to tense and her hand in his hair beginning to flex involuntarily.

He lifted his head and pulled his fingers out from her completely. She stared at him, unbelieving. ‘No…oh you can’t be done – ‘ her hand went straight to her clit, frantic to give herself the orgasm she had been about to have.

‘I will never be done with you.’ His voice was rough as he quickly pulled the chair over right in front of the mirror again, turning its back to face her.

Cullen lifted her hand away, pulling her to her feet as he used his other hand to free himself from his breeches.

‘Bend over this. And hold.’ She did as she was told, her whole body now aflame with as she leant forward, her ass right before him.

He wrapped his fist round his cock so he could tease her clit with its head, the hot, slippery warmth finally up against the engorged skin making him groan. Her hips bucked as her face in the mirror showed him how desperate she was to feel him inside of her.

‘Do you want to be fucked, Leaena?’ he whispered heatedly as he leant over her back, biting along her neck as he slid into her ever so slightly, making her whimper incoherently. ‘I can’t hear you. Perhaps I’d better leave.’

‘No! Don’t go! Please – fuck me –‘ She was begging, then gasping in mindless pleasure as he entered her with one smooth thrust.   

His hands grabbed hold of her hips, his mind fracturing at the feel of her tight, hot muscles, so wet, finally around his cock after so long. He waited for a second, seeing the muscles in his neck and chest strain as he fought for a semblance of control.

Cullen had never been this deep inside of her before. He was shaking with the effort of not coming too fast, even as he started to fuck her harder. His hips were thrusting against hers as she started to rock against him.

He paused, his cock still deep in her and smacked her ass hard. The shock of it made her gasp even as her eyes darkened and her breathing quickened, a surge of wetness dripping out from her.

_So you like that too do you, my lady?_

_Maker, I have so much to explore with you._

‘That was naughty of you, my lady. Did I tell you to move?’ He leaned over, feeling the heat of her back against his body, placing one hand over both of hers whilst the other held her hip so she couldn’t shift her body.

The sight of Leaena’s face flushed, her eyes on fire as they were fixed on him as he started to thrust upwards inside of her, grinding hard against her entrance, unable to stop his teeth from sinking into her skin as he put down fevered kisses across her back.

Repositioning her hips slightly, Cullen felt his cock touch her high inside, reaching a particular point he knew always made her come apart as he kept thrusting harder, Leaena’s body rigid with her fight to say still. He looked down at himself, seeing her juices going milky as she neared her climax, such a visible sight of her need sending lightning through his veins.

He wanted to try something else. Experimentally, remembering the times she had done the same to him with her tongue, he let a finger circle her asshole, watching with anticipation to see how she would react. Leaena’s response was immediate, her back arching as she let out a hiss of pleasure, her eyes dark with unadulterated, wanton abandon.

He stopped for just a second, spitting on his finger and then gently stroking her asshole a bit harder as he started to fuck her slowly once more. She made no secret of how much she was enjoying the sensation as her cries of pleasure became louder, the whites of her knuckles showing as she gripped the chair.

‘No, you have to watch or I won’t allow you to come.’ His voice was guttural as he ordered her to look up, Leaena having rested her head on her forearms, shaking with the intensity of the feeling on her asshole and right inside her very core.

She managed to raise her head again, now speechless. To see such blazing desire for him in her eyes, and the want to explore even more left him breathless and hungry for what only she could give him. He was consumed all over again with his burning need for her, his only focus to make her come as hard as possible before he sought his own release.

Cullen’s thumb started to rub her clit again as the other hand held onto her hips, the only noise now in the room the hard slap of skin meeting skin and both of their increasingly uncontrolled moans. He could smell their sweat and that sharp smell of sex as he held her tight, her eyes becoming unfocused the nearer she reached her peak.

He felt jolt after jolt shudder through Leaena’s body as he circled her clit firmly. A new wave of wetness dripped from her and down onto his balls that were hitting her lips with his every thrust, suddenly sending the huge buildup of tension within him into overdrive.

‘Cullen!’ She screamed his name as her orgasm hit her, her eyes closing in ecstasy and her whole body convulsing around him. She was clinging onto the chair as if her life depended on it, unable to move, forcing his hand hard up against her clit as the strength of her climax continued to course through her.

His breathing was erratic and his whole body ignited by the energy radiating from the intense heat around his cock as he fucked her, now moving on pure instinct. He heard his voice shout her name from far away. ‘I can’t wait – Leaena –‘.

Cullen cried out as he suddenly came hard, throwing his head back as his hands dug into her hips, ramming her hard up against him. Stars danced in front of his eyes, closed tight, as he sensed his come shooting deep inside of her. He needed to keep his still-hard cock fucking her for another minute as he rode out the most intense orgasm he’d ever had.

He leant forward to hold her to him, kissing her neck, her shoulders and her back, whispering her name and how much he had missed her, how much he needed her over and over as they both slowly came down from their high.

His name was on Leaena’s lips as she rested her forehead against her arms, shaking hard, her tears involuntarily falling from the power of her release. Withdrawing from her, he saw his come mingle with hers as it slid from her lips and down her thighs. He smeared some on one finger as he used his other hand to tilt her head up.

‘Well behaved girls get to taste,’ he murmured as he slipped his finger, soaked in their juices, between her lips. She let out a small moan as her tongue lapped at his skin in her mouth, licking her lips slightly as he took his hand away.

Cullen then gently prised her arms from the top of the chair, kissing her gently as he picked her up. He sat on the chair and cradled her on his lap as he stroked her hair, feeling aftershocks still running her veins. ‘Are you alright, my lady?’

She wrapped her arms round his neck and burrowed her face into his shoulder. ‘That was unbelievable. Fuck, you’re good, Cullen.’

He couldn’t help but feel some basic masculine pride at her compliment. ‘It takes two. I have never met a more desirable, sensual woman than you, Leaena.’

‘Thank you,’ she said, smiling as she lifted her head to give him a kiss. ‘I still don’t understand how I ended up naked and you didn’t though.’

‘Because that’s the way I wanted it,’ he replied lightly. ‘Ensuring you have as little clothing on as possible is a particular life goal of mine.’

‘I could say the same about you,’ she laughed, looking at him with one eyebrow arched. ‘Which is why we are going to get in the bath and then I can admire you properly. There is a reason why I had such a large tub installed, you know.’

‘That sounds like an excellent idea,’ he agreed, letting her climb off him, captivated by her toned, lithe body as she, somewhat unsteadily, walked towards the tub.

Something had happened to Leaena over the last few weeks that had made her completely unselfconscious around him - she no longer held any part of herself back.

It was a development that he couldn’t wait to find out more about. Even now, sated from his orgasm, the memory of the purely carnal expression that spread across her face and burned in her eyes as he smacked one of those plump buttocks, and teased her asshole, was enough to have him cock stirring again.

She waved her hand, her magic at work as she called him over. ‘Sorry, just had to reheat the water.’

‘You get in first.’ He climbed slowly to his feet and pulled off his breeches, heading for the stairs. ‘I just need to get a drink.’

‘See, that wasn’t so hard was it?’ Leaena’s eyes were languidly running all over his body, thoroughly appreciative of her view before a small shriek suddenly escaped her.

‘Cullen!’ she squeaked as he lifted her up and placed her gently in the tub. ‘What – ‘

‘You need to get warm and rest. I know how much that injury can hurt you sometimes.’ He dropped a kiss on her nose, laughing at her put out expression. ‘Just let me go and get something to drink and I will join you. Then you can ogle away.’

‘I do not ogle,’ she protested huffily. ‘There’s nothing wrong with a girl enjoying the view.’

He returned quickly, handing her a glass of red wine. ‘Maker, Leaena,’ he said, staring properly at the huge, heavy copper tub for the first time. ‘How did they manage to get this up the stairs?’

‘There’s this weightless spell you can use for a very limited period. I was worried it would interact with the copper somehow but it was fine. It’s a very delicate weave of Spirit and Force, but you have to cast each element at a very specific time, otherwise – oh. I’m being boring. Sorry.’ She sipped her wine, looking abashed.

‘Far from it. Move forward a bit, my lady. I want to sit behind you.’ She went pink with pleasure as he climbed in behind her, pulling her towards him as she sat back. She pressed a kiss to his neck before relaxing against him.

‘I like hearing you talk about your magic. Never feel badly about being so enthusiastic about something that is an intrinsic part of who you are.’ He reached down by the tub. ‘Open up.’

‘Oooh.....’ The small noise of pleasure as she tasted chocolate made him laugh.

She sighed in satisfaction. ‘You can do this again. It's exactly how I want to be wooed. Alcohol, a gorgeous naked man feeding me sugar in my bathtub right after we’ve had explosive sex. Fuck poetry. Life does not get better than this.’

‘I am glad you approve.’ Cullen settled her back against him, putting her glass on the floor, feeding her another chocolate and starting to rub her neck and shoulders to release the tension and knots she had there.

‘I’m purring right now in my head by the way. That feels so good. Don’t expect me to talk much.’ Her body sagged against his as she relaxed even further into him.

‘How about you let me do this for you for a bit, then we wash ourselves properly and go downstairs to eat?’ He smiled as she nodded in agreement, rendered speechless as his fingers and thumbs continued to firmly circle the muscles on her neck.

_Trystan and Varric were right._

_Pleasing her is the greatest pleasure of all._

\-----

After a long soak and a water fight, they’d finally emerged from the tub with the long weeks of travel and battle finally washed off, starving. Leaena found two huge fluffy cotton robes that they bundled themselves up in, as they made it down the stairs to eat.

She had fallen fast asleep shortly after that, curled up in the middle of her bed underneath a warm blanket. Cullen wasn’t expecting her to wake, although she’d been out for hours. Burning with desire earlier, she’d ignored her injury but afterwards her pain and tiredness took over.

He’d managed to get to his quarters and deal with the most urgent business, but with most of his officers still on the long march home, there wasn’t as much as he thought. And, he was pleased to note, Skyhold was back to normal in terms of appearance. Josephine had worked quickly to correct the damage Vivienne had wrought.

Sighing, he looked at the pile of work he still had to do. It was stacked on the table where he’d been trying to get through it all. But his mind hadn’t been focussed on it at all.

His hand slipped down to his pocket where he’d put the thick pile of letters that Varric had given him earlier that day.

Cullen hadn’t read them deliberately, otherwise Vivienne’s life would have been over shortly afterwards. He still couldn’t believe that she had somehow stolen their rings, fabricated such lies and gone to all that trouble just because her hatred of Leaena was so intense. He was still convinced that there had to be more to it.

He knew what he’d written to her in those dark weeks, begging her to come home, frantic to understand how it had gone so wrong. He almost didn’t see the point in reliving the past. But some perverse imp living in him demanded that he look, wanting to see what she had written.

His hands shaking slightly as he put them onto the desk, he opened the first one, dated only a few days before he’d arrived at Griffon Wing Keep.

_Cullen,_

_I don’t understand. I thought you loved me. Why would you do this to us, why would you say such awful things?_

_Please forgive me. I want to make this better and I want to make it right. I’m so sorry that I hurt you._

_We must talk. I can’t believe this is happening. Maker, I beg of you, please don’t have taken lyrium. I will have failed you._

_L_

He drew in a sharp intake of breath, seeing the stains of her tears on the parchment, smudging some of the ink. Steeling himself, he kept reading. Each letter was different, sometimes newsy and Leaena trying to be normal, sometimes desperate, telling him how much she loved him and apologising profusely for what had happened that dreadful day.

There was one more – a big long letter that she’d written shortly after her departure.

_I can’t go there. Not now._

_Andraste save me, how much time we have both wasted._

‘Why didn’t we just trust each other?’ His words echoed softly in the silence.

He sat back, looking at how low the candles had burned down, exhaustion suddenly overwhelming him. Moving quietly round the room, he blew them all out, letting the moonlight flood the room as he headed to bed.

Quickly stripping naked, Cullen stopped for a moment, looking at Leaena who was bathed in the silvery light. Her face was bare of makeup, her long hair still damp and uncombed spread out over the bed. No matter what state she was in – be it like this, done up to her icy, regal best for a formal function or bloodied, bruised and victorious from battle - he would always think she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.

Gently, he lifted up the blanket and moved her across the bed, somehow getting the robe off her at the same time as he slid in next to her.

‘Cullen?’ her voice was drowsy as she snuggled up next to him. ‘What time is it?’

‘Late, my lady. You should rest.’ He pulled her closer to him, the pain that had taken over earlier happily banished once more.

‘You just crawled into bed naked next to me. How am I supposed to nod off now?’ She kissed his neck and yawned.

‘Leaena you are the most tempting creature I’ve ever seen but I won’t be responsible for making the Inquisitor ill.’ Cullen laughed as he caught her hand, placing a kiss on her palm.

She’d been trailing her nails down his stomach to his cock that was stiffening again even at the merest touch from her. ‘You minx. Sleep. And then tomorrow I am yours.’

Leaena said nothing, just wrapping a leg around his as she pressed herself up against his side. Her breathing became steady again as Cullen felt her magic rest, humming quietly around his lyrium.

Just as he was about to drop off, he sensed, of all things, insecurity flowing through her.

‘Can I ask a question?’ she whispered, sounding a bit hesitant.

‘Of course,’ he mumbled sleepily.

_Ginger._

That was the scent in her hair from that stuff she washed it with, mixed with her natural orange blossom. He’d been trying to place it for days now, feeling pleased with himself for doing so as he slipped into the cusp of awareness between conciseness and asleep.

Her next words had him wide awake once more as his eyes flew open to look across at her.

‘What happened with you and Freya?’

Of all the things Cullen thought she might ask about, that was not it.

Freya Amell. The Hero of Ferelden. Warden-Commander, Chancellor and mistress. The King’s first, and only love.

‘Leaena –‘ he felt lost for words. ‘I – why do you want to know?’

Her face was buried into his chest and he could feel the heat coming from her cheeks, not to mention her discomfort at having asked such a question of him.

‘I’m sorry. I don’t mean to bring up history. But I still know so little about your past and I mean I don't want a roll call of who you’ve slept with, of course. She’s my friend though and Alistair and….fuck, now I've made it weird all over again – ‘ he put a finger to her lips as he turned to face her.

‘It’s alright. I don’t mind. I just – well, it was a long time ago.’ Red hair, green eyes, a curvy figure and breasts that overflowed from her hands as she teased her dark nipples for him. He couldn’t forget. His nightmares wouldn’t let him.

‘We were very young,’ he said, his voice distant as he thought back. ‘I was the Templar assigned to strike her down if she failed her Harrowing. Which she, of course, didn’t. I was completely infatuated with her. She was different from the others, wanting to make friends with everyone, ignoring the divide between us.’

Leaena said nothing, just absently stroking his chest as she listened.

‘I had no intention of acting on it. I was only a junior Templar and filled with my notions of what was right and wrong. But part of the appeal, well most of it really, was that it was just so wrong, against all I had been taught. And she is very lovely.’ He looked at her anxiously after his last words, not wanting to get her upset.

‘Carry on,’ she said softly. ‘I appreciate you telling me.’

‘It didn’t last for too long, maybe a couple of months. She got recruited into the Grey Wardens and left. It was all very amicable between us – I’d never expected something long-term, although I felt sadness that she had gone. The Circle was not quite so bright after her departure.’

He breathed slowly before continuing – going into the detail of those dark weeks was not something he wanted to discuss right now. ‘She, Alistair and Leliana rescued me from Uldred’s mages. At the time, I said things to her I very much regret now. I wrote to her through Alistair, to apologise. Freya, of course, forgave me, as she would.’

Leaena smiled at his last words. ‘She is like that.’

‘You, my lady, have nothing to concern yourself with.’ He kissed her gently. ‘She was the first woman I’d slept with, and that always means something, I suppose. But what I felt for her compared to what I feel for you? It’s like comparing the flame from a candle to the fire of the forge.’

‘That is one of the sweetest comparisons I’ve ever heard.’ She was on one elbow now watching him, her eyes dark as she stroked his face. ‘Freya is so very stunning. You have good taste, Cullen.’

‘I have a bit of a thing for beautiful, powerful mages if you hadn’t noticed.’ He traced a line with his fingers across her jaw and down her neck. ‘There’s one in particular I can’t seem to stay away from.’

‘That had better mean me,’ she said teasingly, smiling at his compliment.

‘Is there anyone else? You are perfect,’ he replied sincerely, all teasing gone from his voice as she leaned forward to brush her lips lingeringly against his.

‘I'm not surprised Freya wanted you,’ Leaena mused after a moment, remembering a few of the things her friend had shared with her. ‘Big, blonde, handsome Templars are a weakness of hers. Maker knows how Alistair keeps up. I’m just amazed that she didn’t have you both at once.’

‘And how do you know she didn’t?’ The words slipped out before Cullen could stop himself.

_Shit! Did I just say that!_

She had frozen, her magic in turmoil inside of her as she stared at him, her expression unreadable. ‘What did you just say?’

‘Um…well – maybe just the once we had an evening together –‘ he was stammering slightly, his face aflame, shocked at himself that he’d actually told her. Cullen had always intended to, one day. Just not quite so abruptly as he just did. Nor so soon. 

_Fuck, I love you, Leaena._

There was a slow smile spreading across her face as her fingers made patterns on his chest. ‘This has turned into a very intriguing conversation, Cullen. I had no idea you and Alistair were so close. Does this hark back to Dorian’s comment about strapping Templars and all that time in dormitories?’

He sat upright, pulling her to him and kissing her hard for a moment. ‘Is that why you suddenly wanted to disappear back to the tent and drag me with you the other day? I’m not the only one with a story to tell, Leaena.’

‘You first,’ she murmured, her voice husky with desire.

_This is a completely different Leaena._

 ‘It was just the once. Alistair and Freya had come to visit Kirkwall. It was towards the end of Meredith’s reign of madness and just before Freya departed on her quest.’ He couldn’t help a shot of lust mixed with an emotion he couldn't name shoot through him at the memory of that rather drunken night.

‘There was rather too much wine flowing as we caught up after so many years. Before I knew it, she was kissing me and one thing led to another, as it tends to do.’

‘You can’t just leave it at that!’ Leaena sputtered in irritation. ‘What happened!’

‘My lady, have you led a particularly sheltered life? What do you think happens when two men are with a woman like Freya aside from having sex?’ Cullen couldn’t help but laugh at the expression on her face.

‘Why are people always accusing me of being clueless like some Chantry sister?’ she complained. ‘I am well aware of what it entails!’

‘Are you now?’ He felt another spike of lust, wondering what she meant by that. ‘You made me explain, so I believe it is your turn now.’

‘Oh! No, you don’t get out of it that easily,’ she protested heatedly. ‘You can’t tell me something that fucking incredible Cullen, and then not give me more detail!’

‘I can,’ he grinned unrepentantly at her. ‘Perhaps, Leaena, I might like to show you one day.’

‘Really?’ Her tongue darted across her lips, distracted from demanding further detail as she looked at him somewhat disbelievingly.

‘Possibly. A lot would depend. On what you wanted mainly. So why don’t you tell me what interests you?’ He was fascinated to hear her answer, but she wasn’t finished with him yet.

‘I’ll tell you when you explain to me how it is you know Alistair so well, you can jump into bed with him and his mistress. I wasn’t the only one lying about my relationship with the King of Ferelden it would seem!’ He knew that expression and she wouldn’t stop until she was satisfied with his answer.

‘There’s not much to tell, honestly.’ Cullen said insistently. ‘Alistair and I are very old friends. We were in the Chantry together and both of us misfits, in a way. He was sent there by Isolde and I was much older than the rest of the recruits. We bonded and we remained close ever since.’

‘That bitch,’ Leaena spat out in disdain at the mention of Arl Eamon’s wife. ‘I’m surprised her and Anora aren’t related, they’re so similar.’

‘But anyway, how close?’ She wouldn’t rest till she knew. ‘There’s many different ways of having a threesome, you know.’

‘Now I want to know what that means, Leaena. How do you know that?’ He was beyond curious. And increasingly aroused at what she might say.

‘Cullen! Just tell me!’ she demanded, her patience gone as her desire grew.

He studied her for a second, wanting to make it clear. ‘Let’s just say that my interest is not where Dorian’s lies – I prefer women and I’m not attracted to men.'

'I had been with Freya before too - it wasn't three complete strangers suddenly getting it on,' he added. 'We are friends, which made it a lot easier. And the next day it was fine too. It was simply a rather enjoyable night.'

_Secrets, even now, Cullen?_

Leaena was biting her lip, her eyes filled with a blue fire again as she looked at him assessingly. ‘You and Alistair together – Freya must have thought she’d died and gone to the Maker’s side in ecstasy. I have to be honest - I am terribly jealous she got to experience that when I didn’t.’

‘You don’t mind?’ he said a bit awkwardly, suddenly realising that she might feel uncomfortable about such a confession involving two of her close friends.

‘Why would l mind?’ Her eyes filled with confusion. ‘It was before we knew each other.’

 ‘Besides, a beautiful woman being fucked by two of the most gorgeous Templars I know? Maker, is that an image I’ll have in my head for some time to come.’ Leaena then gave him a heated kiss, her hands sliding down his chest and playing with the line of hair on his stomach.

‘Damn, Cullen,’ she whispered in his ear as he felt his cock get harder, running his hands up her back.’ ‘You are so fucking sexy. Thank you for telling me. Even if you have skimped on detail. I’ll happily fill the gaps in myself.’

She gave a big yawn.

‘I think that’s enough revelations for one night. I am patient. You can confess to me tomorrow.’ He lay her down next to him, sensing the overwhelming flood of tiredness suddenly hitting her.

‘I love you,’ she mumbled drowsily as she rested her head on his chest. ‘I’m sorry I’m so tired.’

‘Don’t be.’ He kissed her forehead. ‘I love you too.’

She was asleep immediately, Cullen stroking her hair distractedly as old memories of past lovers replayed through his mind. It wasn’t long before much more recent images took over, mainly because his mind was busy inserting Leaena into pretty much every single fantasy he’d ever had.

It would be some time before sleep could claim him.


	69. Questions

‘It’s good to see demons didn’t get the better of you,’ a throaty voice whispered behind him.

Varric was momentarily startled, even as his heart soared. ‘Bianca,’ he murmured, slowly turning towards her. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘Well hello to you as well.’ Her blood-red lips were twitching at his blunt reply. ‘And here I was hoping you’d be pleased to see me.’

She looked as good as ever. She always did. Dark eyes peered out from underneath her hood, Bianca as ever, not wanting to be recognised even in the relative safety of Skyhold.

‘It’s not that and you know it! Andrate’s tits, Bianca, what if you were followed?’ the old fear for her safety rose up within him. ‘What if the guild found out – or whatshisname?’ Varric couldn’t bring himself to mention the name of the one person that stood in their way.

‘Are you worrying for me, or for yourself?’ she smirked back, even though she knew what his reply would be.

‘A little of column A, a little of column B. I am the expendable one, after all,’ he replied sarcastically, not wanting to give her the satisfaction of knowing how much he still cared.

_Who am I kidding? Of course she knows._

Her smirk simply grew wider. ‘Awww. Don’t worry. I’ll keep you safe.’

‘Varric?’ Lea’s voice broke through the usual turmoil of his emotions whenever Bianca made an appearance.

_Well, they made up fast._

She was walking up to them both, Cullen by her side. They both had that unconscious look about them where they were partly oblivious to their surroundings, so focussed as they were on each other - and in a way that had been missing before.

‘Well, this is a surprise,’ Bianca said with interest, as they both drew up before him. ‘You must be the Inquisitor. Bianca Davri at your service.’

Lea’s eyebrows rose in surprise. ‘A pleasure to meet you. Any friend of Varric’s is welcome here.’

‘You’ll regret saying that, Inquisitor. Some of his friends aren’t the type you want to meet,’ she quipped.

‘I am standing right here, you know.’ Varric wondered why he bothered. Bianca was a force all on her own. She’d certainly never listened to him.

‘And that is what makes it so enjoyable.’ She smiled sweetly at him.

‘Anyway, Frosty,’ Varric sighed, ignoring Cullen’s grin at his discomfort. ‘Bianca has a lead on where Corypheus got his red lyrium.’

She stiffened immediately, her eyes alert as she looked at them both intently.

‘The thaig that Bartrand and Varric found – its location has been leaked.’ Bianca confirmed. ‘There’s a Deep Roads entrance crawling with strange humans carting out red lyrium by the bucketload.’

Lea’s face went white. ‘Andraste save us. What can we do to stop it?’ Anything to do with eradicating red lyrium was normally top of the Inquisitor’s list of priorities.

‘We’ll shut it down. We need to head back to Valamaar, where we wiped out the Carta threat. Clearly, this goes much deeper than I anticipated.’ Varric scowled at having somehow let this slip through his fingers.

‘Agreed. We didn’t clear the area as well as we thought we had. No wonder Trystan’s contacts led him there as well. I’ll ask Solas to join us. He and Dagna are coming up with some interesting research on lyrium properties.’ She looked across at Cullen then, a small smile on her lips. ‘Fancy a jaunt, Commander?’

‘So long as Varric promises to keep me safe,’ he said lightly.

‘I think you’ll find it’s a case of me hiding behind you, Curly.’ Varric was smiling even as he struggled to consider a situation where Cullen might need protecting from anything.

_I stand corrected._

At that moment Vivienne drifted past them all. Her face was impassive, but Varric was too experienced not to notice how she paid too much attention to the couple standing in front of him. He had heard about Lea ordering her to stop interfering with Skyhold.

It was difficult to believe that, with all the effort she had gone to showing how easily she could disrupt their communications, she wasn’t going to try something else. For what purpose and for who, Varric was still trying to understand.

Lea inclined her head politely to the other mage as she walked past, whilst Cullen’s eyes went a dark amber in his rage. Varric knew, however, that Vivienne’s particular brand of poison was something the honest and direct warrior would never understand.

_Revenge. Misery. Torment. The First Enchanter delights in it all._

Varric wouldn’t let someone like Vivienne get the better of him ever again. Catching her out at her own game was going to be interesting. He reminded himself to get Sera organising her Red Jennies properly.

‘Well that was fun,’ Lea quipped as the other woman walked off. ‘Anyway, when shall we head off? It isn't that far and I would like to deal with it as soon as possible.’

‘Tomorrow? I can travel with you then,’ Bianca suggested. Varric winced. It would be torture. Blissful torture to be in her company for a week.

‘Sounds good. We can leave at first light.’ Lea broke off as a look of pleasure crossed her face.

‘Trystan, are you recovered from the journey?’ she asked as she gave her brother a hug.

‘I am thank you, sister. You look much better as well.’ He looked enquiringly at Bianca.

‘Knight-Commander Trystan, this is Bianca Davri.’ Varric introduced them both.

‘The smith? Your work is famous, my lady,’ Trystan surprised him with his reply.

‘I’m flattered you would have heard of me.’ Bianca beamed at him, pleased by his compliment ‘Not many surfacers have.’

‘It’s an unwise warrior who doesn’t research where the best weapons and armour can be found. And yours are among the best.’ Varric had forgotten how Trystan could charm the birds down from the trees. Bianca was positively preening.

‘Varric,’ he turned to him enthusiastically. ‘So, where is this chapter?’

Cullen started to laugh as Varric nodded, a look of anticipation on his face. ‘Are you honestly going to go through with this, Trystan? With Varric there as well? You are a braver man than I am.’

‘I most certainly am,’ he said with relish. ‘Are you free now, Varric?’

‘I’ll let you both go without me,’ Lea said with amusement. ‘It’ll be enough shocks for Cassandra without a whole committee watching proceedings. So long as you promise to tell me about it later.’

Bianca laughed. ‘I’ll wait here. Varric and I have some catching up to do later.’

He couldn’t decide whether that was ominous or promising as they walked down to give the Seeker her present.

\------

Cassandra was kicking herself. Yet again, she’d had the chance to call Trystan over, say hello and start to make up for the boor she had been the whole of the way back from Adamant. He was walking past now, a careless smile on his face as he responded to a greeting from another Templar. 

_He doesn’t seem bothered at all._

With a vicious wrench, she freed her sword and sliced at the dummy as hard as she possibly could, knowing that it would have been her fault for driving him away. She was very good at that, it seemed.

‘Why not set impossible standards for people that they can’t reach, Cassandra,’ she snarled out loud to herself. ‘You do it to yourself all the time.’

Hitting felt good. It felt positive. For a time.

_I have pushed someone else away. Literally this time._

_W_ _ell done me._

With a sigh of frustration, she sat down on the log, her head in her hands. It was all she knew how to do, make people leave. Since the pain of losing Anthony, she had found it easier to shut everyone out rather than let them in, focusing on nothing but her duty. It hadn't lessened the pain of her brother's departure and certainly hadn't helped with Trystan. 

It was probably for the best, however. She needed to focus on the candidacy for Divine and work with the Inquisitor on how to defeat Corypheus for good. There was no time for distractions. And Trystan Trevelyan was the very embodiment of the word distraction.

‘Good morning, Seeker!’ a cheerful voice called out.

As she looked at his smiling face, all ll her resolutions suddenly didn't seem nearly as appealing as they had done a moment ago.

‘Knight-Commander,’ she said, wincing internally at how grumpy she sounded. ‘How can I help –‘

Her eyes narrowed as she saw Varric next to him. The look on the dwarf’s face could only be described as mischievous.

‘What have you done?’ she demanded.

 ‘I get it, Seeker,’ Varric chuckled. ‘You’re still sore after our spat.’

‘I am not a child, Varric! Do not suggest I am without reason.’ She cringed again inside. She sounded like the worst kind of harridan, hardly the impression she wanted to give.

_What does it matter anyway?_

‘A peace offering. The next chapter of Swords and Shields. I hear you’re a fan.’ With a broad wink, Varric held out the book.

Cassandra stared at Varric then, remembering that conversation with Trystan weeks ago, looked at him in horror. She was torn between an overwhelming need to read the book, not wanting to give the dwarf the satisfaction and jumping on the Templar and kissing him senseless.

‘You told him?’ she gasped. The dwarf would never let her live it down. Ever.

‘Of course. I thought you might like it,’ Trystan’s blue eyes glinted in the morning sun with an unfathomable something that made her wonder if she perhaps hadn’t ruined things after all.

_He went to all that effort. For me?_

 ‘I mean, if you don’t want it, that’s fine.’ Varric started to walk off. ‘It still needs editing anyway.’

‘Wait!’ she cried.

 ‘You’re probably wondering what happened to the Knight-Captain in the last chapter.’ Varric was openly teasing her now, but she didn’t care.

‘Nothing can happen to her! And don’t tell me either!’ She all but shouted as she snatched the book from his hands, storming away.’

‘This is the part where you say thank you,’ Varric indicated his head at Trystan as he walked off. ‘Totally worth it.’ His voice just reached her as he disappeared from view.

‘Thank you.’ Her voice was, thank the Maker, filled with gratitude this time rather than the standoffish tone she normally adopted.

‘You are welcome, Cassandra,’ Trystan replied lightly, although she could see how entertained he was by the whole exchange. ‘I am sure you are eager to begin reading.’

‘Yes,’ she beamed at him, forgetting completely the talking to she’d given herself. ‘I wonder if I have time to read the first part now.’

‘I am sure you do. Dare I hope that you might also have some time to tell me about it later?’ His voice was light but his eyes were glittering even brighter as they held hers.

‘Time later?’ she stammered, suddenly a bundle of nerves. ‘I –‘

‘There is only one correct answer, Cassandra,’ he murmured teasingly as his smile created a wave of nerves dancing in her stomach.

 ‘Of course. I look forward to it.’ Somehow she managed to get the words out.

‘Wonderful. I shall come and find you this evening. Enjoy your story.’

 _What greater thing is there for two human souls_  
than to feel that they are joined together to strengthen  
each other in all labour, to minister to each other in all sorrow,

Cassandra watched him walk off, a mix of anticipation and nerves churning through her stomach. She was no good at seduction, no good at honeyed words.  Ever since she’d accidentally sent him flying the few things she had been able to talk about had dried up as well.

 _to share with each other in all gladness,_  
to be one with each other in the  
silent unspoken memories?

She picked up her book, looking to lose herself in the words and the romance of it all. For once, however, the story failed to have the desired effect as the image of a pair of blue eyes and a deep laugh refused to leave her, even as her favourite verses tumbled through her mind.

\-----

‘She’s a decent shot,’ Varric assured Lea as they went further into Valammar.

‘Decent?’ Bianca ground out.

‘Do you want me to admit you’re a better shot than me? In front of the Inquisitor?’ Varric protested.

‘Let’s get this done,’ Lea said, wanting to get out of the Deep Roads as quickly as possible.

_Maker, maybe I should have asked him to stay behind._

Cullen was clearly uncomfortable about being underground, as was she. Except Lea suspected his claustrophobia might go further than her basic discomfort.

She looked sideways at Varric with an inward sigh. He was delighted to have Bianca so near and yet his heart was breaking at the same time. Lea had no idea how she could help aside from just listen if he needed it.

Red lyrium and its stench was everywhere. ‘Did you say they were carting this out with a bloody wheelbarrow?’ she called to Bianca. ‘I can feel it everywhere.’

‘As can I,’ Solas was hiding his discomfort better than she was, but was still affected.

‘Yes - instead of using secure containers. They are fools,’ the dwarf said angrily as they took down another group of Carta in a basement room. Lea saw exactly what she meant then – raw lyrium just left lying around in barrows. She wanted to be sick, as Cullen put a soothing hand on her back.

‘Are you alright, Inquisitor? We can stop for a bit.’ He and Varric, of all people, knew what this stuff had done to her before.

‘I’m fine, thank you, if somewhat nauseated. Solas and I need to keep our distance though.’ She motioned for the elf to wait with her outside as the others checked the room.

They rapidly disposed of the remaining Carta members who were blocking their path, before Bianca opened a set of doors to a hidden room. The dwarf’s familiarity with the place had made Lea wonder what else the smith hadn’t told them. At Varric’s next words, she knew her suspicions had been correct.

‘Andraste’s ass, Bianca! You’re the leak?’ he was incredulous. And furious.

‘I wanted to study the red lyrium,’ she replied unashamedly. ‘I wanted to help you.’

‘And did you figure it out?’ Cullen snapped at her, not hiding his anger that such a dangerous substance had been released, and with devastating consequences.

‘Actually, yes,’ she retorted defensively, before turning back to Varric. ‘Red lyrium – it has the Blight! Do you know what that means?’

‘What? That two deadly things combine to form something super awful?’ He was looking at Bianca in fury.

‘Lyrium is alive,’ Solas said softly, awe in his voice. ‘The Blight cannot infect a mineral.’

 ‘It can only infect an animal,’ Bianca agreed.

Something rang a very loud alarm bell in Lea’s head at Solas’ statement but she had no idea why. As she was trying to figure it out, she distantly heard Varric talk about a Grey Warden and Corypheus and then the two of them starting to argue, the pretext of which went much deeper than their actual words.

‘Get a room, you two,’ she said distractedly, not missing how Solas had been looking hard at her and Cullen, her alarm bells ringing louder.

‘Sorry, Inquisitor,’ Varric said, his fury and disappointment in her still evident.

He looked at Bianca, his eyes hardened from his own pain. ‘You had better get back before someone misses you.’ With a frustrated wave of his hand, he walked out.

Bianca’s eyes were wide, devastated by his response as she turned to Lea, looking venomous. ‘Get him killed and I’ll feed you your own eyeballs, Inquisitor.’

‘Really? I doubt it will be my fault if he’s too reckless for his own good. I suspect that will be bought on by something else entirely.’ Lea heard the harshness in her voice, wanting to defend her friend against this woman who had, for some reason, caused him so much anguish.

‘Now we know the damage you’ve caused we need to find a way to fix it. Cullen, can you send men to clear this area of red lyrium?’

As he nodded, she signaled for the others to follow. ‘Let’s get out of here. I hate the Deep Roads.’

Bianca glared at her for a moment before sagging her shoulders in defeat. ‘Just take care of him for me, alright?’

_Love does not always bring great happiness. This is nothing but torture for them both._

As she turned to leave, Solas interrupted her. ‘A moment, Bianca. Would it be possible for you to share your research with me and the Inquisition’s arcanist?’

‘Dagna is working with you isn’t she? I’ll give you a copy before I depart,’ she agreed, her voice toneless.

Lea was struggling to shake her unease at Bianca’s discovery, nor why Solas was examining both her and Cullen like they were some sort of magical anomaly gone hideously wrong. Cullen’s disquiet was flowing through her magic as well, the sense that something was not as it should be all too apparent. This trip had created more questions than she had answers to. She shrugged, trying to push it from her mind. She would find out soon enough. 

It was a silent, sombre party that made their way out of the Deep Roads and back to the Hinterlands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> George Eliot [Mary Anne Evans] (1819 – 1880)


	70. Into Insanity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: non-con/rape

‘You’re a sight for sore eyes, Lea.’ A voice she’d hoped never to hear again whispered harshly in her ear.

She opened her eyes, realising she was lying flat on her back, bound tightly, her hands and feet spread out. And she was naked.

Red lyrium was oozing from the ceiling, decaying everything around it. Droplets of water were rhythmically dripping onto her stomach where she could feel a little pool of water had gathered. There was a sickly green haze, mixed with the eerie red glow, everywhere she looked.

_Oh Maker. This had better be a nightmare._

 ‘Samson.’ She ground out. ‘Get out of my mind.’

‘But I’m not in your head, Lea. Do you not recognise where you are?’ His somewhat manic laughter sent chills through her which she struggled to control.

‘Redcliffe dungeons. This future didn’t happen so how the fuck did you recreate it here?’ She wouldn’t give into despair. That was what he had intended for her, after all. A way to ruin her before she could reach Corypheus.

‘Dearest girl, did you really think you had beaten my master yet? This future is just as viable as any other. ‘

One hand, with red veins protruding from his skin, trailed down her chest and lingered over a breast, letting a finger flicker over a nipple. It was all Lea could do to not vomit as her skin cringed away from his touch.

Even now, she felt her mind shut down, start moving to a happier place, away from the possibility of what might happen so she could protect herself somehow. She refused to make a noise. Her body might betray her disgust and terror but not her voice.

‘The arrogance of you mages, to think you are the only ones who can manipulate lyrium to your own ends.’ He almost sounded jealous, she noticed distantly. It must have taken a huge amount of power to meet her here in her dreams, power he had expended for a reason.

His hand then crept between her legs, Lea then jerking violently against his rough touch on her clit, feeling the bile rise immediately as she vomited all over her chest at the unwanted intrusion.

‘You are blind, Lea. And weak. Fortunately for me. I will use it to destroy you.’ He looked at her, as he lifted his hand, away from her, much to her relief, until he started to fondle a breast again. ‘You don’t want me? You always were a frigid bitch. There’s precious little appeal in fucking your cold cunt anyway.’

All she could smell was sick, all she could hear were people's moans, begging for release from the red lyrium farming their bodies had been subjected to.

Lea could see his face now, distorted, thick red blood vessels up his neck, his skin grey and his eyes glowing red. ‘This isn’t real. You were never blessed with much intelligence were you, Samson? Wasting your energy in this manner tells me all I need to know.’

‘Not real? I assure you, this is as real as it can get. Shall I prove it to you?’ Samson twisted lips grinned toothlessly at her, ready to inflict some other cruelty on her. 

‘Fuck you. Oh, I can’t can I? Limp dick and all.’ She spat at him in her fury. Insulting his lack of sexual prowess normally made the nightmares stop.

Except this time the images didn’t go away. She was still here. Panic started to rise in her.

‘Leaena,’ a delicious toffee-whiskey voice ghosted across her ear, making her feel immediately better as he always did. She saw Samson’s expression change to one of malice mixed in with thwarted frustration at the delight she knew that had appeared on her face.

‘Cullen! Why are you here? Didn’t you die?’ Lea felt overwhelming relief as tears of happiness ran down her face.

He was still alive, somehow beating the prediction that future had made. She needed to see his face as she waited for him to free her from her bonds and take her away from the madness she found herself in.

‘For the same reason as you, my lady. And no, I didn’t die. I had to come here for you.’ He gently cleaned away the sick before stroking her face, standing behind her so she couldn’t see him, giving her goose bumps as he started to play with her breasts. Except –

‘I don’t understand,’ she started, then stopped as he kissed her, taking away all her pain, all her fear and leaving her desperate for more.

_But I’m still bound. And the taste of him – it’s metallic. Where are my citrus fruits?_

‘Free me, Cullen. Please. It hurts.’ She whispered, her voice finally cracking in her fear.

‘Where would the fun be in that? You know how much I love to make you beg.’ His warm, hands had started to move tenderly across her body that responded, as it always did, to his touch. She felt the heat between her legs spread upwards just as she started to get wet.

Lea caught a glimpse of his face and eyes. Her heart crashed just as her mind refused to process what was in front of her.

‘Cullen,’ she choked out. ‘It’s not you, it can’t be you….’ He looked exactly the same as he always did, blonde, beautiful, strong. Except his eyes glowed red instead of golden as he looked hungrily at her.

_I lost. To Corypheus. There is no hope left. Not even a happy place. They were all with him._

‘It is me, Leaena. I have changed. For the better. Shall I show you how?’ Cullen was kissing her neck now as his hand slid between her legs, slipping one finger inside her.

She started to cry, her mind retreating inside her in its horror. She didn’t want him near her, even as her body continued to betray her. ‘Stop, I don’t want this –‘

‘I think you do, my love.’ The smile she adored was twisted beyond all recognition, his words of endearment cold spears through her heart as he continued to finger her, harder this time as his thumb moved to her clit.

‘No, I don’t. It’s not you,’ she gasped, frantically trying to twist away as he raised his other hand to smack her hard across her face.

‘Of course it’s me. And I’d say this is rather firm evidence that you do, actually want it.’ He showed her his fingers, slick with her juices.

He nibbled by her ear, going right to that spot he knew would send tremors down her. ‘Admit it, Leaena, you will always love me, just like I love you. And that is how I will break you for the Elder One.’

She was openly weeping now, hating how her body was mindlessly responding to Cullen as it always did, despite how much her cheekbone hurt from the resounding punch. That he was now in service to Corypheus ridiculously seemed irrelevant compared to the pain he was causing her personally. Nothing mattered any more.

‘I told you that you were weak, Lea,’ Samson said with vicious pleasure. ‘And now I will take great delight in using that weakness against you. He is our creature now.’

‘Cullen, if you love me, please, don’t do this to me –‘ She started to scream as Cullen lay down on top of her, sliding his cock into her with a look of gratuitous animal lust at how much torture he was inflicting on both her body and soul. It felt incredible and so painful, his every thrust designed to maim her emotionally and physically.

His smell was all wrong, that stink of red lyrium, the corrupted, decaying madness, already mixed in with the woody citrus that used to send warmth right through her. 

Lea was pulling frantically at the bonds that were cutting into her wrists and ankles, wanting to escape, blood beginning to flow from the deep welts as her body continued to sing at his mere touch.

‘Did I not just tell you how much I love you?’ She had no warning as Cullen’s fist smashed hard into the other side of her face, Lea wailing in agony as she felt her cheekbone shatter.

‘Don’t make me ruin this beautiful face of yours,’ he murmured huskily as he lifted himself up, stroking her face softly where he had just struck her. ‘I intend on keeping you alive for as long as I can, just to have the pleasure of fucking you over and over again any time I please.'

‘No, Maker, I don’t – you’re hurting me –‘ she was convulsing with horror as she felt the blood on her face trickle down and spread by her ear, her anguish mixed in with her hate and desire for him still. All of which he knew.

Every thrust was torture as her self-loathing increased, the sexual heat and desire she was fighting a losing battle against beginning to take over even as the pain intensified around her entrance. ‘Tell me you love me, Leaena,’ he said hoarsely as he neared his own climax, moving a hand down to her clit, roughly rubbing it as he forced her to orgasm.

She was sobbing, her heart shattered even as she felt herself about to come, all the while whilst being so cruelly raped by the man she thought would never hurt her. ‘I love you - please, Cullen, no more -’ she whispered, trying in a vain attempt to reach some part of the man he once was. Her orgasm suddenly engulfed her seconds later, leaving her shivering, crying in her fury and devastation as she turned her head from his, heedless of the severe discomfort as she moved. It was useless.

‘I know you do, Leaena. And that is why the Inquisition was doomed from the start.’ He was groaning, her name on his lips as it always was as he came. The satisfaction at having made her tell him those fatal words - the whole reason the Inquisition had failed - was written in his face as he stared at her, his chest heaving and his breath unsteady in the aftermath of his orgasm.

She couldn't look at him any more, unable to reconcile his brutal behaviour with his gentle caresses and loving words as his fingers teased her face. 

‘There is no Maker, Inquisitor.’ Cullen's voice was soft as he rained light kisses all over her face, just as she was trying desperately in a futile effort to get her body away from his. ‘Just you, me, and a lifetime of making you mine over and over again. Any way I choose. I knew you could never say no to me – and now you know it too.’

Lea screams of desolation and pain escalated as he and Samson left her, laughing as she lay broken, unable to move as tremor after tremor of despair shook her.

Her soul fractured as she realised that he truly could do anything to her and she would still love him, even while she despised herself at the same time.

Her rational mind had retreated to the farthest corner of her brain even as she heard something calling her from a distance. But there was no one to hear her anguish – the one person who always saved her was gone forever, turned to the Elder One’s side.

\-----

‘Fuck, Varric why did someone not tell me about this? She won’t let me near her!’

‘She told us not to. She won’t let anyone near her when she’s like that. She thinks we’re all dead.’

‘She doesn’t bloody well think I’m dead! She stared at me like I was going to do something unspeakable to her and then started to make that inhuman noise!’

She was sitting bolt upright, bathed in sweat, gasping for air as she stared blankly in front of her into the darkness of night. Her voice was hoarse as she realised, somewhere that she was screaming.

 ‘What of her magic?’

‘It went nuts last time. Bull had to keep dropping her into rivers or an oasis to snap her out of it. We didn’t have a Templar handy like we do now. This reaction is crazy though, worse than what we saw before. ’

Those voices again. From people dead. Apart from one. He could hurt her more than anything else in the universe combined. Not even Corypheus came close.

 ‘I am not doing anything to her, Maker take it – it would make it worse. I can’t reach her at all. We have to find another way.’

‘I agree. I managed to get her to waken but the grip of what held her in the Fade was powerful. I did not define its true purpose in time, unfortunately.’

Frantically, she looked around her, needing to get out of the confines of where she was. She grabbed her staff, ready for him this time. He would never come near her again.

‘This is the impact of even seeing red lyrium? She has a sensitivity that I didn’t think possible.’

‘It is the Mark. It affects everything within her.’

She made it out of the tent, gripping her staff tightly, seeing the blue flames pouring from the top as she looked at the ghosts of her friends.

Except Cullen was very real. Just like now.

They all stood and watched her, no one moving.

She immediately lowered her staff, blasting icy flames at him, which he managed to deflect, much to her fury as she advanced on him.

‘Why are you here? You weren’t here the other times. Why did you hurt me so much?’ Her voice was scratched, her throat sore, even more flames hurtling towards him which he still brushed aside.

_Why does he not fight back?_

Cullen didn’t say anything. He was staring at her in horror. It wasn't difficult for her to block out the love. It was all an illusion. She knew how easy it was now to destroy the person you loved the most.

‘Da’len,’ a voice called to her gently. She ignored it, the voice of a ghost no longer with her, listening only to her magic singing in her ears.

‘If you love someone, you don’t do that to them.’ Her knees were shaking as she gripped her staff even tighter, shooting a blast of purple energy at his head. This time, the tail end of her attack caught him, sending him flying onto his back, stunned and grunting in pain.

_He can fight back. He can cause me pain. Why is he not?_

‘Da’len.’ This time she had to look at the voice - it was too insistent.

‘You are dead. Stop bothering me. Everyone is dead. Except Cullen. I have to kill him before Corypheus takes him. It is for his own good.’ Her voice was flat as she looked at the ghost.

‘I am not dead, Inquisitor. Nor are Varric or Bianca. Cullen is not going to turn to Corypheus. We are all here, with you, to help you.’ Solas was speaking softly to her as if she were a child that had woken up from a bad dream.

She looked back at Cullen again, standing once more, not moving, just waiting to see what she would do next. She could feel the blood dripping from her wrists and ankles and feel the wetness between her legs where he’d left her. Inconsolable. Ruined.

‘Why did you do it?’ she hissed in fury.

‘What did I do, Inquisitor?’ he asked, his voice steady.

_Maybe – I don’t know. Am I wrong?_

_A lifetime of making you mine, over and over again…._

‘No! You know what am talking about!’ she shouted, raising her staff and blasting him again, watching him engulfed with flames as she raised her hand, her Mark igniting green, ready to cast the most powerful spell she possessed that would kill him outright. ‘I will watch you burn for what you did to me!’

The flames were extinguished as Solas immediately encased Cullen in ice.

‘Lea, you must return to us. The world you are in is not real.’ He was standing next to her now, distracting her from her casting.

‘What the fuck do you know? I failed! I killed you all! You’re dead. You don’t understand what happened!’ She was still shouting, still confused, still devastated that Cullen could have taken such pleasure in abusing her, revelling in how much agony he’d caused her.

As she raised her other hand in front of her, just about to release her magic, she caught sight of her wrist.

They weren’t bloody. She had clothes on.

Tentatively, she lifted one ankle, then the other, to look at the damage. Her boots were still whole.

Lea’s hands shook as she set her staff down again, leaning on it heavily. She looked around the quiet camp fire, seeing Varric and Bianca staring at her in pure terror. The embers from the fire were cold, the only light coming from the blue flames still shooting from the top of her staff. Solas’ face was impassive, as ever, but his eyes were full of concern.

Her eyes finally made it to Cullen, who’d freed himself from Solas’ spell. He seemed physically fine as he stood still, his eyes never leaving her face. She walked towards him, needing to check one last thing, stumbling slightly as one leg gave way in the remembered horror of his fist crashing into her face. Twice.

The memory of his words, the physical force he’d inflicted on her and how he’d used her body against her will to hurt her even further, still held Lea in the iron grip of insanity. 

She drew to a stop right before him, so close she could smell his woody citrus scent. There was no hint of the decaying corruption from earlier. His eyes were amber with flecks of gold, radiating love and anxiety, completely different to what she remembered. She continued to search for any hint of the red that had to be there.

There wasn’t. She blinked, bewildered. Without asking, she immediately kissed him, taking him completely by surprise as her tongue slipped into his mouth, searching for the metallic taste that was a sure giveaway of the taint that should have been within him. He didn’t kiss her back, uncertain as to why she would suddenly do something so intimate when she had just tried to kill him.

It didn’t matter. All she could taste was the delicious citrus that was Cullen.

‘You – you are you.’ It was the most sensible thing she could say. ‘Then what happened? I don’t understand.’

‘It was a nightmare, Leaena,’ he replied quietly. ‘Where you are now – me, Solas, Varric, Bianca – we are real. The reality you were in does not exist.’

 She was still disoriented and failing to acknowledge her surroundings. ‘It is hard. It is hard to let those memories go. I don’t know what is real and what isn’t any more.’

‘Will you drink this, Inquisitor?’ Solas had come to stand next to them. ‘It will help the confusion to pass.’

Some part of her remembered his potions could fix just about anything.

She drank it quickly. And immediately felt her knees give way as she fell to the floor, caught just in time by a pair of strong arms that picked her up, amidst a sudden buzz of conversation in a world that had gone black.

Lea remembered that there was a reason her soul was so intrinsically linked with Cullen’s. It was because she loved him, no matter what he did. Including beating her to a pulp and raping her. It offered her no comfort.

Instead, her mind was screaming in terror and heartbreak at the realisation, and its implications, as she fell out of consciousness.  


	71. The Demons Within - 1

Lea’s head felt as if it had been cleaved into two. One of her eyes opened a fraction, then shut tight again against the glare that was coming through the canvas of the tent. When that didn’t work, she realised she would have to get up and find something stronger to make it go away.

Groaning slightly, she managed to get herself upright, sensing that Cullen had already risen. Rubbing her head, she crawled blindly outside the tent on all fours before sitting on her knees in abject misery at the stabbing knives in her brain.

She then promptly threw up right in front of her, repeatedly, as if her body was trying to expel some kind of noxious chemical she’d absorbed the night before. It was too much for her eyes. She had to keep them closed shut still as she crawled away from the stench.

‘Did I really drink that much? Give me something, anything, to take this away, Solas,’ she ground out, not even opening her eyes to see who was around.

‘I have something that might help, if you want to try,’ a deep, delicious voice said hesitantly to her.

_Hesitant? Why?_

‘Yes please, Cullen. I’m so sorry. Urgh, I feel like I’m about to vomit again.’ Waving her arms around for the potion, she drank it straight away, resting her head on top of her arms as she lay there moaning on the floor.

It had been some time since her headaches had been this bad. In fact, they normally came after a particularly potent…

‘Nightmare….’ she whispered, the memory of what happened suddenly flooding through her.

_I can’t move. How can I look at him ever again?_

_Fuck! I tried to kill him! But it was so real…_

Lea stayed huddled on the ground, the horror of what she had gone through, and subsequently wanted to do, paralyzing her. Embarrassed didn’t even begin to cover how she felt.

‘Leaena, what’s the matter?’ Cullen's voice was filled with concern.

‘You need to ask?’ Her voice was muffled as her face remained firmly in her arms, refusing to look up.

She heard him sigh, as she imagined him running his hand through his hair and rubbing the back of his neck when he was bothered by something. Lea wasn’t then expecting two hands to grip her waist and sit her upright, facing him, leaving her with nowhere to hide.

‘How can I have a sensible conversation with you when you’re on your hands and knees on the ground?’ He was smiling at her, but there was doubt too, doubt that she had put there.

She looked around her, at anywhere but Cullen. To her surprise she saw they were the only two people there.

‘I don’t know whether you’re brave or crazy. Did I scare everyone but you off?’ She almost didn’t want to know the answer.

‘They left at dawn. You’ve slept a lot – it’s late afternoon now. I thought you might appreciate some space before returning to Skyhold, to get over that episode.’ He flushed suddenly, something Lea hadn’t seen him do in some time. He looked so adorable, the terrible things she’d done forgotten momentarily as she smiled at him in pure pleasure.

‘Or we can go back immediately. I don’t mean to be presumptuous. I – I’m sorry. I can explain there.’ He stammered even more as she suddenly wondered whether being so openly happy was appropriate, given what had taken place. His feelings were too in turmoil for her to make much sense of anything within him at all.

_It’s not just his feelings all over the place either._

‘I believe I’m the one that owes you an apology,’ she replied, subdued once more. ‘And I am grateful for some time. Thank you for thinking of it.’

‘Apologies – Maker, Leaena, don’t – how are you feeling? Cullen wanted to kiss her as badly as she wanted to kiss him, Lea was sure of it, but the memory of her attack last night made them both hold back. ‘Where I wanted to take you is not too far from here, but we need to ride.’

‘I can manage. The potion worked.’ Her head was just going through the motions, putting one foot in front of the other, trying to block it all out.

‘Why don’t we head over? It will be easier to talk there than here.’ He helped her to her feet as she dusted herself off, still shocked at what she had done. 

_He raped me – how could he? But he didn’t. It was the Fade._

_I don’t get it. And here we are, back at the beginning, like strangers. Except it’s so much worse._

Mutely, she prepared to leave, her mind and heart in total chaos.

\-------

After twenty minutes or so, Lea recognised where they were. They’d just ridden past Honnleath, where Cullen was born. It had been a silent journey, her head still aching somewhat as she sensed Cullen just had no idea what to say to her. It left her with plenty of time to dwell on yet another one of her whopping mistakes.

The magical night in her quarters the other night, and again for the rest of that week had been unlike anything she’d experienced. They’d explored each other’s desires and fantasies further in a way only two people who trusted one another implicitly could achieve.

_I have never been so close to someone, ever._

Falling in love as fast as they had done did not equal instant trust, not even with the connection they shared. It had taken months for them to get to achieve such harmony – such confidence – in one another.

Lea had blown it all to pieces with a single nightmare.

The memory of being raped, not to mention how close she had come to being violated in real life was still foremost in her mind. The experience had thrown up all her old insecurities and fears, making her retreat within herself, scared to reach out.

Yet it would be up to her to make this right for them both. How though, she had not a clue.

_And should I?_

Her hands froze on her reins, ice creeping through her at the hideous, unbidden thought. Irritably, she shook it off. It was a hangover from her nightmare and Samson’s merciless prodding of her conscience, no more. She would not have her life dictated to by the insanity of red lyrium.

Lea was startled to realise her horse had stopped without her noticing. They were by a thicket of trees, Cullen dismounting as he searched for something. ‘Here it is,’ he called, gesturing for her to come over.

_Maker take it! I must pull myself together._

‘Where are we going?’ She the curiosity in her voice as she slid off her horse and tethered it quickly.

‘Just over here – I think you’ll like it. We can camp there too – this area is deserted now. People still haven’t returned after the Blight.’ He led her through a path that she hadn’t noticed through the trees, then out into open fields.

Ahead of her was a lake, surrounded by trees. The mist was rising in the early evening, the only sound being of running water from a nearby brook.

‘Oh Cullen, this is beautiful,’ Lea said with delight, completely forgetting the awkwardness between them as they set up camp. ‘You always manage to find me water with a jetty over it.’

‘I grew up not far from here,’ he said, seeming to be pleased that she liked it so much. ‘This place was always quiet. I would come here to clear my head. I thought it might bring the same peace to you as well.’

_How could I have such terrible dreams about you?_

Lea joined Cullen at the edge of the jetty. He was leaning on a post, looking out at the spectacular view. Just how handsome he truly was took her breath away, as it always did when she stopped to covertly observe him.

It left her momentarily lost for words, the blackness within her faded for a time as she stared at him in open admiration - and disbelief that this wonderful man seemed to want to be with her still, even after all she had put him through.

‘What’s the matter?’ he asked in some alarm as he caught her gaze, intent on him and nothing else.

‘Oh! No – I – ‘ Lea couldn’t get the words out as she blushed furiously, looking away. ‘Give me your arm?’

He held out his arm for her as she pulled her boots off and rolled up her trousers to sit, dangling her feet in the water. ‘Join me? This feels amazing after being on a horse for so long.’

‘Alright,’ he said, somewhat dubiously as he did the same, gingerly lowering his bare feet into the lake. ‘Leaena, I don’t have the same tolerance for cold you do,’ he gasped as he pulled his feet out again quickly.  

‘Do you want a warm spell?’ she offered tentatively. ‘I understand if you don’t –‘.

‘Why not? I do feel dusty after a long ride yesterday,’ he replied, taking her by surprise.

As Lea frowned in concentration for a second before releasing a little bubble of warmth around his feet and legs, she realised he had only done that to reassure her that he didn’t have a problem with her magic use. 

She felt humbled and ashamed all over again as they sat quietly, both swinging their legs in the water absently.

‘Surely you must have done this as a child?’ she wondered, wanting to break the tension between them somehow.

‘I did, now you come to mention it. In summer anyway. I’d come here to escape my siblings,’ he chuckled dryly. ‘They were very loud and I needed the quiet. But they’d always find me eventually.’

‘Preparing already for the life of a Templar, at such a young age? But you were happy here at least.' Lea smiled to herself, somewhat sadly, at the thought of the boy with such strong ideals and belief in the Order, even then. How that had changed.

‘I was. I still am.’ He said nothing further, just watching his feet kick in the water as they sat in an uncomfortable silence for a minute.

She couldn’t keep quiet any longer, the disgust at herself for what she’d done finally spilling over. ‘Not only have you seen the very worst mages have to offer, then I tried to – to kill you last night! Why are you still here? And how – how can you not see such evil in me?’ Lea blurted out, needing to start the conversation she’d been dreading, stuttering in the remembered awfulness of what had happened.

‘I’m not afraid of you, Leaena, I promise,’ Cullen replied quietly. ‘But I am trying to understand what went on. Solas said he woke you from the Fade. What did I do, to make you react to me in such a way?’

‘Really? You aren't? Oh. Well, that’s good.’ She gave a small smile, feeling hope spark inside her, just as nausea struck when she recalled how warped her mind had become last night.

She stared forwards, unable to hold his gaze. He deserved a full explanation. ‘I have nightmares. Which you know. It is always the same one. But this time it was – it was more powerful. It was as if it happened.’ A hiss of pain escaped her. ‘It felt that way anyway. When I was awake I thought I was still in the midst of such lunacy, that my wrists and ankles were bleeding, they were so sore –‘

Lea felt her heart breaking as she recited the painful memories. ‘I’m bound to a table by my wrists and ankles, so tight I’m bleeding. Just like in the Harrowing Chamber. Except I am naked. Samson visits me. Trying to rape me, touching my body, between my legs, pawing at my breasts.’

Cullen growled in anger as she carried on, heedless of anything but the visions replaying in her head. ‘I’m in the dungeons of Redcliffe. Just the way Dorian and I found them. Corypheus has won. There’s red lyrium everywhere, making me sick.’

Her voice had dropped to a whisper, staring now at her feet, still visible in the clear blue water. ‘Then you come along. You kiss me, and I feel better. I think you’re there to rescue me. But you aren’t. You’re one of them. You – you have taken red lyrium and become Corypheus’ creature.’

_…..you will always love me, just like I love you._

_And that is how I will break you……_

His voice in her head, demanding she submit, were almost too loud for anything else in her mind.

Somehow, the words continued to stumble from Lea’s mouth. ‘You- you r - rape me, even though I still want you. But I don’t want you. I hate you. Yet I love you. It is my eternal torture. And you delight in humiliating me over and over again, reminding me of everything I have lost. How I f-failed.’

‘I woke – and it was real, I swear to the Maker, it was real when I woke up. I had to try and kill you. I couldn’t let you become – that. You hurt me so badly. And that makes no sense whatsoever because it turns out it was a dream. In the Fade, which twists things to its own purpose.’ She had no answers, as a tide of mortification raged through her. ‘Solas and I need to talk. I don’t know how that could happen in the Fade. I thought it was a nightmare before. Back in Haven too. I thought I was just dreaming.’ 

Lea covered her face in her hands, unable to now look at him, her next words searing her inside.

‘The worst thing is, that I realised I will love you, no matter what you do. That should be a good thing. But I mean no matter what. Including rape and abuse. That fucking terrifies me, Cullen, that I can be so vulnerable. That someone could use that against us, against the Inquisition.’ Lea felt dark despair to the pit of her stomach.

‘But – is it possible? That we can find a way through this? Through my fear? Once the person who is supposed to love you tries to end your life? It was like Kirkwall, but a hundred times worse!’ She stopped talking, with no idea where to go or what to do.

If Cullen even wanted to. And for the first time, she found herself unsure of how he felt.

‘Leaena,’ she heard him say gently. ‘I am so sorry that happened to you. Can I share something?’

She nodded, still hiding her face in her hands, trying to force back the bile that wouldn’t stop rising in her throat.

‘I have nightmares too. Vivid ones. Just like yours. You know they happen.’ She nodded.

‘They vary a bit, but it’s always the desire demon there. Trying to get me to break and become her tool. They used to be of Freya. Clothed, naked, tempting me with her body, with us being together forever. Sometimes of Hawke. Or the two of them together. Or alone. Occasionally of another mage from my past. I’m always bound to a chair, naked. Knowing that I can’t control what is happening. That I can’t have either one of them unless I give in. Then I met you.’ His voice was hard with his anguish.

‘Then you are there. With another man. With Blackwall. Telling me I’m not good enough, that you need more to satisfy you. You always have sex in front of me, tormenting me with the fact I can’t have you any more. The choice is losing you or letting the desire demon suck me dry.’ His eyes were dark amber, agony pulsing through his lyrium.

‘It always ends the same way, with the demon telling me how much worse it will become. And it normally does become worse. Like driving me to take lyrium. Or break it off with you. The paranoia becomes so intense I can’t deal with it any more. I have to run.’ He stopped, exhaling slowly.

Lea had forgotten her own self-loathing as she looked at him in dismay. ‘Maker’s Breath, Cullen, I might try and kill you but I’d never sleep with Blackwall – or any other man for that matter! I’m not sure which one is worse!’

‘I know.’ He smiled at her last statement. ‘I think I’d rather you tried to put an end to me, to be honest.’

Cullen reached for her hands then, taking them in his and massaging them slowly with his thumbs. ‘My point is that it isn’t rational. Nor is wanting to slay me. I know that wasn’t you last night, Leaena. And I could never do anything that might harm you, even when you were blasting me with such power. Don’t you realise that’s how much I love you? I would rather have died last night if it meant you survived.’

Lea didn’t realise it was possible for her to feel so wretched until that point. 'Cullen, you dying is not an option! I don’t – I would never – just attack me next time and make it stop! Please? If there is a next time, which there won’t be. You can easily do that. Why didn’t you?’

‘I didn’t want to hurt you. You were scared enough as it was without having your magic being taken away. I can’t lose you, my lady.’ Cullen's voice was filled with his fear - fear of losing her somehow. She sensed that conflict within him again, that her magic would somehow consume her and force him to do something he would find intolerable.

_Our souls are already bleeding, torn to ribbons. Are we too far down this overgrown path of thorns for either one of us to change?_

She despaired at the madness they found themselves in, struggling to understand how yet again, they had arrived at such a point.

Yet, even as she felt on the verge of giving into despondency, another thought occurred to her. Perhaps small things could make a difference. There was, after all, little else left for Lea to do but try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying my best to not have such long chapters. This one just got ridiculous, even after three days of editing, so I have cut it in two.


	72. The Demons Within - 2

Cullen was quiet next to her once more. Lea was trying to find a way to ease the significant burdens he carried within him, as well as her desire to think of anything but last night.

She hadn’t been possessed, but it was the nearest she’d ever come to it. She was terrified still at the remembered sensation of having lost all control of herself whilst she believed she was in a different reality. Not to mention the man next to her apparently had raped her in that universe. She still battled with the images that refused to leave her head.

The kind of fear he was describing had created a division within him that he was struggling to reconcile. She understood what drove him to feel the way he did. The only time Cullen had spoken of Kinloch Hold, however, had been when he’d been furious with her and in the grip of lyrium withdrawal. She hadn’t raised it before, waiting for him to talk more. But now, she felt she had to.

‘Trystan always has the same problem. His sister becoming possessed, and what he would do. How could he find a way to not lose me?’ She fought to find the right words to try and show she understood.

‘He did mention it, once. His reply was much the same as mine. It’s not that simple a question to ask ourselves.’ Cullen was still distractedly looking at her hands and making circles on them. ‘I always told myself I could never kill you if you became an abomination, though. Although you weren’t possessed, last night proved it.’

‘Why do you have such specific nightmares, Cullen?’

_Well just blurt it out, why don’t you?_

He was staring at her in confusion at her question, as he sat very still. ‘Why do you ask?’

Lea was blushing, angry with herself. ‘I’m sorry. That was presumptuous of me. It’s just – I was thinking on your words about possession and it reminded me of what you said that awful day about Kinloch Hold. You haven’t spoken about it since.’

She looked at him earnestly. ‘You are torn inside, Cullen, even now with those nightmares and the lyrium withdrawal. I was hoping that maybe by talking about it some more it might help. I would like to do more to support you, even if it is just listening.’

_Apparently I can make things even more awkward. Who knew I was actually this stupid?_

Lea didn’t know what to say, nor understand how she could feel more hideous as Cullen said nothing, the silence stretching out between them both.

‘I’m trying to remember what I told you,’ he said suddenly. ‘I don’t mean to be rude.’

She squeezed his hands gently, wanting to reassure him even as she cursed herself for a fool. ‘You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. I don’t mean to put you in a bad place.’

‘You haven’t,’ Cullen replied, sounding taken aback by the realisation. ‘Being here, with you – it makes it easier to deal with. And I should have told you before.’

He took a deep breath as she sensed his revulsion, so strong within him even after all these years. ‘You know about Uldred?’ She nodded. ‘Knight-Commander Greagoir sealed the Tower after the blood mages took over. I and many other Templars were caught inside, unable to escape, fighting for our lives. We were captured.’

‘I told you I was tortured and held in a magic cage right next to the Harrowing Chamber where Uldred had locked himself and the First Enchanter in, along with many others. I watched my friends die one by one. Their bodies were mutilated, their minds twisted beyond mortal recognition. A desire demon tried to turn me by tormenting me with my innermost desires. The noises, the howls and screams –‘. There was no hiding the darkness in his voice, rising up to claim him.

He sightlessly stared out across the water. ‘I don’t know how long I was there for. A week, maybe more, maybe less. In that pink cage, the desire demon trying to pervert my every cherished dream. Freya was at the centre of the worst that monster threw at me - the choice to be with her, even when it was an impossible love we had for one another, never destined to last. Using what it believed was my biggest weakness against me to break my soul. If I had succumbed the demon would have fed off my will. It would have been impossible for me to become free of it. If the demon died then so would I.’

‘I fought. Over and over again. I was getting so tired. But the demon didn't stop. Ever. And I had to see others having their life force sucked out of them by other desire demons whose sole focus is to experience what it is like to be human. Through my thoughts, my dreams. The violation of the invasion into my head still makes me want to be sick. They sift through your memories, you know, looking for the one thing that will be guaranteed to turn you. And you're powerless to stop them. I managed to banish it repeatedly but it was getting so hard. I hadn't slept and I hadn't eaten. They were wearing down my body as well as my brain, keeping me awake by forcing me to listen and watch the blood mages create yet another abomination.'

'Then Freya arrived, along with Alistair, Leliana and Wynne. I didn’t believe it was her.’ Cullen’s short laugh was humourless. ‘I thought it was the desire demon, trying to tempt me once more. When I realised who it was, and that Freya was refusing to execute all the mages inside the Harrowing Chamber, I said some very cruel words to her. I was convinced they would have all been possessed.’

Cullen’s looked down at her hands, absently turning the ring on her finger as he drew patterns on her palm. ‘I almost lost my mind – I often wonder how I can be the same after an experience like that. The pain comes and goes, yet sometimes I feel as if I am back there. Especially if I push myself too hard.’

Lea was distraught, an almost physical pain in her chest as she heard exactly how Cullen had suffered. She let him feel through her magic her love for him and her sorrow for all he had been put through. It was a desperate attempt to try and erase just a tiny part of the stark bleakness in his soul, caused by the horrific memories that would never leave him.

_He was the only one strong enough to not fall prey to one of the most powerful creatures of the Fade._

_And he still wants to be with me?_

Cullen’s voice broke for the first time, unable to stop the words from spilling out of him. ‘I have never told anyone what happened, when I first mentioned it that day. I was so angry, for so many years. It blinded me. I know I’ve said this before, but Maker, I wasn’t proud of the man I became. The way I saw mages – ‘.

‘I’m not sure I would have cared about you,’ he finished softly, shame and anguish coursing through him. ‘And the thought sickens me.'

It was as if an electric storm of emotion had engulfed them both, shooting lightning between them at an intensity so powerful, Lea almost couldn’t breathe or think as her fingers laced through his, holding them tightly.

‘I truly am sorry for everything you’ve been through, Cullen. You have survived more than any of us. You are still standing, still fighting – even more amazingly, still free of lyrium. And – you are alone. With a mage.’ A conversation, held so long ago as they’d sat on the rocks by the sea, the sun shining down and heating her skin, flooded her memory.

She couldn’t think beyond the need she had to make him realise how he had changed. ‘You told me in Ostwick that you were no longer that Knight-Captain, being encouraged to fuel your anger towards mages. Why would you doubt yourself now?’

Cullen paused, thrown by the vehemence in her tone. Her magic sensed the darkness within him, battling for supremacy even as he too remembered his words, bringing him back to the present.

A small smile pulled at his lips as he remembered the conversation. ‘You are right. I am no longer that man. I forget, how it is all too easy to be drawn back into the past when something shakes me to my very foundations.’

He didn’t need to say it out loud for Lea to know what he meant. The ghosts of their pasts were still haunting them both, refusing to release their grip completely and leaving that bitter, lingering aftertaste of uncertainty in their minds.

_I’m not close enough to him._

_Maybe that might help._

Lea lifted her feet from the water and, without asking, sat between Cullen’s legs, facing him as she wrapped her legs around his waist. She put her arms round his neck to hug him, just as his arms came round her waist, holding her like he never wanted to let go.

‘For what it’s worth, I rather like who you are now.’ She breathed in with pleasure, and relief, the woody citrus of him that smelled so right, compared to the distortion in her brain. ‘I hate that you’ve experienced what you have, but it has made you the man in front of me now. I wouldn’t change you for the world, Cullen.’

‘Just as I wouldn’t change you, Leaena. Holy Andraste, what you have gone through – what you go through every day, every time you face danger, for me, for everyone? To have those nightmares on top, to know you suffer simply because you are with me?’ His head was buried in her neck, Lea all too easily able to sense his desire to wipe out the past, just to take the pain away.

‘But I do it for you. Otherwise you’d be dead so what would be the point? I do this willingly, the same as you.’ She distantly wondered if she was holding him a little too tight in her need to be as close to him as possible, but he didn’t seem to mind.

He gave a dry chuckle. ‘I suppose you are right. But it doesn’t make it any easier.’

‘I know. I’m sorry. Please tell me you are alright after last night? I never will cast anything at you ever again. How could I have been driven to do so?’ Dread was still rampant within her at the memory of her lightning strike sending him hurtling backwards, slamming into the ground.

‘Although I never want to see you like that again, it takes more than a few spells to do damage to me. You have nothing to apologise for, my lady.’ One of Cullen’s hands had curled into her hair as the other one stroked her back, his voice soft and deep with the strength of relief he felt to have her safe. ‘It humbles me, to know you still choose to stay by my side, even after all we have been through.’

Her hands had slid up to cup his face as she lifted her head once more, letting her thumb stroke his scar. ‘I will never leave you,’ Lea promised fervently.

She finally kissed him gently like she had wanted to all day, unable to stop herself, the only thing she could think of to make the pain go away. Lea was thanking the Maker for the light citrus taste of him as he kissed her back, the metallic hint of red lyrium completely absent.

_But these hideous thoughts – they are still with me._

She broke off their kiss at the shiver that went through her all of a sudden. ‘I am sure we could get more comfortable,’ she said with a small grin, trying to shake off the feeling of disquiet as she stumbled to her feet, helping him up before he pulled her to him once more.

Cullen’s fingers had been busy freeing the pins from her hair so it now fell loose as he continued to kiss her for a moment between speaking. ‘Sorry – I like to see you with your hair down,’ he murmured as he moved the strands away from her face, tucking them behind her ears. ‘Leaena, I know what’s wrong. How can I make this better for you?’

The remaining shadows in Lea’s soul burned away at the sight of his eyes, smouldering amber-gold, not wanting to hurt her further, yet his need and fear for her about to consume him. Even after all he had just told her, the torment she could feel writhing within him, she was still his first priority.

She kissed him again then, but this time it was one filled with passion and an overwhelming urgency to blot out the past. She was almost frantic to obliterate the memories of the previous night and replace them with real ones. His hands were hot against her cool skin as they slipped underneath her coat and shirt, pressing her hard against him as their breathing became ragged.

Her voice shook with the force of her feelings. ‘Make love to me?’

‘Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel coerced or – ‘. He stopped as he saw her smile.

‘You would never make me do anything I didn’t want to do. I know that.’ Yet she couldn’t hide the trepidation in her as she took his hand, leading him towards their camp.

She suddenly realised it was fully night-time and dark, the light from their camp fire guiding her movements. The noise of the brook and the odd call of an owl were the only sounds around them as they undressed each other slowly.

The memories of a future Cullen forcing himself on her were still at the forefront of her mind, something she was trying to very hard to forget as she kept her eyes firmly on his face. Which was hardly a hardship, but she hated herself for not being able to appreciate all of him.

‘Are you cold?’ she asked cautiously.

‘No,’ he replied with a quick laugh. ‘How could I be, when you are standing in front of me like this?’

‘That’s good,’ she replied, a wave of shyness mixed with fear snaking through her as she, even now, searched his golden eyes for some sign of redness.

Cullen immediately sensed it, trying his best to reassure her as he took her hands in his. ‘Leaena, we don’t have to do this. You don’t have to do anything you are not comfortable with.’

‘I do – I want you. Maker, it’s not even about want. Well it is, but it’s not. That sounds crazy. I have to know that it wasn’t you,’ she whispered, impatient to see all of him, and angry with herself for still being so afraid. 

‘It doesn’t sound crazy,’ he chided her with a smile. ‘Will you let me take your hand?’

Lea nodded, swallowing as her mouth dried at the sensation on her fingertips. Cullen’s skin was smooth and warm skin under her palm as he placed it over his heart, holding it there. She followed its steady beat, more rapid than normal given they were both undressed in front of each other. His lyrium was calling to her, letting her feel his love and devotion for her.

_I couldn’t sense him in the Fade._

That had been the one thing she’d not realised at the time. She couldn’t feel their connection. Which meant it hadn’t been real. More uncertainty left her at that realisation as she took a small step forward, letting the hand that had been over his heart slowly slide across his chest.

_Oh Maker, why am I so blind?_

_He needs this too. As much, if not more, than I do._

Lea was not the only one who had to put her demons to rest.

Yet she knew if this was to go further, she would have to show him. Cullen had no intention of doing anything she wasn’t ready for. She couldn’t help but smile as another vision from the night before was shattered. He was ever the gentleman.

Lea was so near him now she could feel the heat from his body on hers, his breathing becoming shallow as her fingers continued to run over his chest.

Her voice was so low she could barely hear herself. ‘Help me, Cullen? For both of us? Please?’

Cullen didn’t reply, simply kissing her deeply whilst her other arm lifted up so her nails could glide over his back. He pulled her whole body against his, just as Lea belatedly recognised how much she was trembling.

She nearly cried at how tender his embrace was, not wanting to hurt her in any way. His hands, rough from years of wielding weapons somehow felt like silk flowing across her skin. The sensation of his hard, toned chest and stomach with his powerful arms holding her so tightly, yet so gently, shot down another of the visions.

Sensing she was about to collapse, Cullen carried her to the bedrolls on the ground, lying her next to him and leaning on one elbow, sensing that she still needed some time.

‘You are so very precious to me,’ he whispered as he kissed her softly over her breasts and all over her stomach. ‘I try my best to give you your space – you are the Inquisitor – but all I want to do is protect you.’

Lea was running her hand up his arm, delighting in the firm muscles that immediately went taut under her touch. The feel of the fist attached to it slamming into her was fading away with every second. She was still trembling, partly as a result of plain desire, yet each touch and each kiss between them both having a healing power of their own that she had never experienced. 

‘I know that my Commander will always be there for me.’ She was kissing his chest and his neck now between her words, reducing the distance between them more. Her love for Cullen and everything he represented was resonating through every fibre of her being. ‘You, and you alone, give me the strength to do what I must.’

He smiled at her, pausing from worshipping her body as his fingers traced lines on her face, leaving behind sparks of pure energy. ‘My strength is yours, to do with as you will, my lady.’ The heavy hand of last night had completely disappeared from her mind.

Their hands were busy exploring each other, soothing away the fears and anxieties of the past as Cullen made sure he asked several times, in that gorgeous warm voice of his, if she was comfortable. His protective consideration of her was making Lea fall in love with him even more than she believed possible, given how he already had her heart and soul in his care.

She was floating on a delightful hazy cloud of pure sensation, only able to sense his increasing need for her. Everything else stopped existing. It was just her and Cullen, and pleasing him as much as he did her was Lea’s sole focus.

Her fingers and lips were roaming all over him, forgetting that she’d ever been frightened as she stroked his erection, thrilled as she always was by his immediate reaction. As his fingers moved between her legs she flinched, but barely as she gasped in pleasure at the sensation he’d created, her body more than prepared, and ready, for his touch.

The pressure within her was building, that delicious tension, even as flames were swiftly spreading through her blood, licking across her lower abdomen and moving upwards to sear her lungs and leave her gasping. Lea sat up, still feeling the very last vestiges of fright but unable to ignore the demands of her body as she pressed a hand to Cullen’s chest, making him lie down.

Fighting to ignore the sudden, crushing agony the last time her brain insisted that Cullen had been inside of her, she suddenly stopped, her body frozen as anxiety swamped her.

He caught both her hands to prevent her from forcing herself, even as he battled to ignore his own needs. ‘Leaena, you don’t have to do this. If it is too soon –‘.

She reached forward to hug him tightly, the feel and scent of him helping soothe her whilst he rubbed her shoulders lightly to ease her tension. Slowly, she felt better.

‘No, I need you. I need this. Will you hold me?’ She went to sit in his lap as he nodded, amazed all over again that someone as special as Cullen had chosen to be with her.

Lea kept focused on his eyes, dark in the depths of night as she felt the hardness of him slide into her. For one moment she was racked with the memory of agonising physical pain and the sheer desolation in her heart.

It all dissipated into nothingness as she reminded herself that the rape wasn’t real, bringing herself back to the present – the heat of him inside of her, the smoothness of his skin underneath her palms, their whispered words filled with the heat of passion and love between kisses. They held each other tightly as they moved together, taking comfort in the healing such intimacy was bringing them both.

Being as close to Cullen as she could be was indescribable, just as her whole body and mind rejoiced in the sensation of pleasure that was coursing through her at every stroke, and with every caress. Words became few as Lea’s breathing became laboured, feeling everything ignite inside her as she reached her peak, tears pouring down her face as she whispered his name. She could sense the intensity of Cullen’s feelings as he came moments afterwards, shaking furiously as he held her tightly.

Cullen had, for the first time that night, shared the darkest corners of his mind with someone. Along with the horror of seeing her like that last night, the feelings had now broken through his iron control. It was as if a dam had been released inside his head.

He was trembling and sobbing, his breath coming in short gasps, his low moans of grief sending shards of torture through her heart. His was face pressed against her belly and his arms were wrapped firmly around her waist as years and years of terror, stress, anxiety, paranoia and fear were finally released. Lea let her fingers run through his hair so her fingernails could massage his skin as she whispered softly words of love and support.

Lea wasn’t sure if there could be anything worse than watching the man she loved experience such distress. She knew exactly what place he was in right now. She was in agony that he was having to go through it at all, wishing she could go back in time and prevent anything bad happening to him. Yet she knew this would help in the long run. A welter of hurt was shooting through his lyrium, along with the anger and emptiness that he’d carried with him for so long. She badly wished there was more she could do for him aside from just be there.

_Andraste, please, watch over him and give him some release from this torment._

After a while, Cullen calmed a little, releasing her waist. He was still shaking violently, his face wet as tears continued to fall and his teeth chattering. Lea got him to lie down, grabbing the blankets and tucking him in. It was a mild night but she didn’t wish to take any risks, particularly as they were sleeping out in the open.

_It’s funny how we both hate enclosed spaces._

She gave herself a small smile. They only used tents when they were in a group or if the weather was inclement. Otherwise both preferred to sleep under the stars.

Not wanting to use magic when he was in this state and, seeing he was settled comfortably on the his bedroll at least, she pulled on his shirt and banked the fire, making sure he was positioned to receive the most warmth.

As Lea seated herself comfortably by his side, her heart wrenched at the sight of him curled up in a foetal position, his arms clutched to his chest as he stared blindly into nothing, the memories she knew that would be flooding his vision right now anything but pleasant.

Cullen’s lyrium was still reflecting the chaos within him as her magic danced its way closer to him, two different shades of blue entwining together within both their souls, giving him comfort and warmth. She started to stroke his hair and the back of his neck once more, talking softly to him in case he could hear and gain some reassurance from the sound.

_Just like he’s done for me._

‘Once upon a time, you helped me when I was this devastated,’ she started off, her voice soft. ‘It worked wonders, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that it does the same for you.’

‘The first time I met you, I couldn’t quite believe it.’ Lea was smiling as she recalled that long ago day. ‘I’d just come from a dungeon, this green flame in my hand, Cassandra wanting to chop my head off, demons falling from the sky and everyone dead. And there you were, in amongst the madness, a beacon of sanity and of hope, killing demon after demon, refusing to be beaten.’

She chuckled lightly. ‘Is it wrong that, even in the midst of all that carnage, the first thing I noticed was just how handsome you are – with the second being just how sexy? Corypheus himself could have come and danced naked in front of me and I wouldn’t have had time to be sick at the sight, or even notice in the first place, because I was too busy admiring you.’

‘And then when we spoke to Chancellor Roderick, you revealed – quite by accident I am sure because I know you like to pretend to be grouchy – that you have a sense of humour. At that point I was lost. Well, that isn’t quite true. I nearly swooned when I first heard you speak.’ Lea paused to check on him. He still had the silent tears she couldn’t wipe away fast enough, but the shivering had reduced.

‘You sound like warm toffee and whiskey to me. Two of my favourite things. It’s why I carry them everywhere I go when you aren’t there. It is perhaps a stupid thing for me to do, but it helps bring you closer when I’m not there.’ She was pleased to notice that the shivering had almost stopped now as she continued to let her fingers lightly brush over his face and neck.

‘You lead an army of tens of thousands now, who all are completely loyal to you. You are a master strategist, and a warrior of some renown, and you spend hours every day passing that knowledge onto others. You’ve inspired hundreds of Templars to give up lyrium, beginning that change the Order needs to have. Leaders around Thedas want to speak to you, hear your opinion and take your advice.’ Lea could hear the pride in her voice as she spoke of just some of his many achievements.

The shaking had stopped, she was relieved to see, the tears coming slower. ‘The thing is, underneath how beautiful and successful you are, there is a man of such depth that few ever find out about. You are so many different and wonderful things, Cullen and it is all of this combined that makes me sometimes pinch myself as to how lucky I am to have you.’

‘I adore how nice and kind you are to people that others would ignore or dismiss. Like that noble’s daughter – the one whose parent’s trapped you at that reception. The girl was so overawed to be in your company she could barely speak. She got abuse from her parents for it. You, ever so politely, put them in their place and then asked her lots of questions to make her feel comfortable.’

She was pleased. The tears had now stopped. ‘And there’s how you like to make life easier for the servants at Skyhold so you wash up all your dishes, clean your quarters and do your own laundry because you don’t want to be a burden to them.’

‘Maker, you have the patience of a saint. You handle me somehow. As for how you still put up with that runner of yours who is completely dim-witted and stands there gawping after every order you give I have no idea!’ Lea actually laughed at the memory of Cullen’s face every time he tried to get the man to actually do something. She sensed Cullen’s lyrium calming down at last as he started to rise out of the fog he’d been in.

‘Then there’s the little things. You’re playful, in the most adorable way, in how you tease me and the others. Like conning Dorian into actually thinking he’s going to win a game of chess against you one of these days. Although I don’t think you’ve tried that with Solas. Oh, and I love that I am with a man who actually takes longer than I do to get ready. You completely defy that age-old rule. ‘

Just as she was about to continue, she gave a small gasp as Cullen grabbed her hand and pressed a kiss into her palm.

‘My hair takes longer than a minute to get tidy as you well know, you minx,’ he said, sounding exhausted but returned to reality as he turned to look up at her.

‘Twenty minutes just on styling your hair is somewhat excessive, Cullen,’ she replied with a grin, feeling so relieved to have him back again.

‘I can’t just wave my hand like you do. Besides, if I shaved it all off, you’d miss it.’ He even managed to give her a small smile back.

‘I would. You do have nice hair.’ She breathed deeply as she looked closely at him. ‘But how are you feeling?’

‘Drained. Exhausted. But better inside.’ His eyes closed. ‘I have a rather bad headache, however.’

‘Wait there a second.’ She scrambled round in her bags looking for the last potion Solas had given her as well as passing him another shirt to put on. ‘If you take this, will you sleep for me? We can talk more in the morning. Rest is what you need right now.’

He nodded as he drained the liquid. ‘But what of you, my lady? And do I need to help with – ‘

She put a finger to his lips as she smiled. ‘You can let me worry about you a little, for once. I just need to check the wards around the camp once you drop off, then I will probably read.’

Cullen gave her a kiss then settled on the bedroll, Lea settling next to him once more as her fingers resumed their journey across his face and neck. He was asleep in minutes, his lyrium finally quiet. She quickly padded round the camp to check her glyphs and spells were intact and making sure there was nothing untoward, before sitting back down by his side.

Sleep would not come to her for hours, she knew that. But it was irrelevant – she just didn’t want to risk him waking and feeling disoriented. Lea was content for the first time in a while as she absently stroked his hair, lost to her own thoughts whilst she kept vigil by his side.


	73. A Morning to Remember (art by Kimberly Parker)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Art by [Kimberly Parker](http://kimberly-parker.tumblr.com/post/132695017875/commission-for-demonicdivas-for-her-fanfic-a)

There was a weight on his side, pinning him to the ground. It wasn’t uncomfortable but something was telling him not to move, and he had no idea why.

Confused, Cullen opened his eyes to see Leaena in front of him, shadows falling across her face from the trees in the dimness of the early morning light. She was sitting upright, her upper body curled into his side and her legs tucked under her, whilst her head rested atop of her folded arms as she leant on his hip.

She was also fast asleep.

He couldn’t help but smile at how adorable she looked. Not wanting to disturb her, he put his arms underneath his head and relaxed. It was a rare pleasure for him, being able to watch her so at ease, particularly as she wasn’t recovering from some life threatening illness for once.

So often they rose at exactly the same time, normally still when it was dark, a thousand chores ahead of them. A day with nothing but life-changing decisions to make, filled with the hidden pressure that they were both under just by being at Skyhold, normally put paid to most opportunities to simply appreciate each other.

But here, she was just Leaena.

Her lips were slightly parted as she breathed steadily in and out, a soft blush staining her cheeks. The deep tan from the Western Approach had long since faded, restoring her skin back to its pale, delicate beauty. As his eyes travelled over her features he was surprised to see how long and dark her eyelashes were in contrast to her skin. He’d never realised before – normally, he was always too busy admiring whatever shade of blue her eyes were at that given moment.

She’d pulled her trousers and jacket back on at some point in the night somewhat haphazardly, while her hair, still with almost-white streaks thanks to the sun of the desert, was falling in a tangled mess away from her face, flowing over her shoulders and hanging down his back.

All in all, she was totally delectable. The more Cullen looked at her, the more he knew he was going to have to get up and leave her alone to sleep, before he gave into the almost irresistible temptation to kiss her awake and make love to her once more.

He managed to sit up slowly and not wake her as he reached over, gently lying her down on her bedroll. She was so exhausted she didn’t even stir as he tucked her in right up to her chin with his cloak, making sure she was completely covered.

Leaena had put his armour away safely in the tent so it was out of the elements, but he didn’t feel ready to strap it all on yet. There was a restlessness crawling over his body, something creeping over him that he couldn’t shake off.

Absently dispelling the wards that were no longer necessary, he headed back to the lake. It was a beautiful morning, the sun still low in the sky casting a red blaze across the heavens as the mist rose off the water.

Cullen had always come her to find a measure of peace. He’d bought her here to show her a part of his past and to help her recover, not realising just how deep their conversation would go yesterday.

He felt sick even now at what she’d described to him in her nightmares. Particularly as it had been sent very specifically to her in the Fade by something connected to Samson. Something malevolent beyond his comprehension was trying to break his Inquisitor and he didn’t know how to fight it.

_Maker’s Breath, how do you help someone who believed you raped them?_

_Was I supposed to comfort her? Was I supposed to keep my distance?_

There were few situations Cullen was ill-prepared for, but that was one of them.

To not be able to hold Leaena close to reassure her, even for something as simple as a hug had been so painful. He’d never felt more useless in his entire life, ending up erring on the side of caution and letting her come to him.

Sharing what had happened to him in Ferelden seemed to make a difference. Even if it had left Cullen feeling completely stripped naked, right to his very essence of who he was, in a way he’d never experienced in his life.

He mentally prodded himself, flinching inwardly, but still finding himself in one piece.

The sensation of something slithering over his body intensified. He shook himself, staring at the water, feeling a sudden urge to purge every inch of his skin. Heedless of the cold he remembered yesterday, he pulled off his shirt and dove straight into the clear, dark lake.

Gasping, he came up for breath as he shook his head hard to clear it, the icy chill of the water giving him the shock he was looking for, even as he felt like his brain was about to freeze over. He ducked his head under again, needing to do something to stop feeling so unclean.

It worked, clearing his mind and making him feel lighter and freer than he’d done for some time. As he started to slowly swim around to warm up a little, his mind almost empty for once, he realised he still had a feeling of disquiet. It hadn’t left him since Bianca’s revelations about lyrium.

Cullen stopped swimming, rolling onto his back and floating for a while as he watched the clouds change colour from red to yellow as the sun rose higher in the sky.

The lyrium within him was, as ever, snaking out towards Leaena’s magic, calling to her and pulling it ever closer to him, never able to get enough even while her magic was at rest. It was such an intrinsic part of them both he barely even noticed it any more, particularly when he had so few withdrawal symptoms around her.

There was something there as Bianca’s words replayed through his head, but he couldn’t place it. Shrugging, he decided to put it to one side. There were other, far more pleasant things to think of.

_Like what she said to me last night._

He had heard every word.

Leaena’s musical voice had reached a place hidden within him, her sweet and heartfelt words spreading light and love to every dark corner in his soul like nothing else would have done. She had done so much to destroy the ghouls in his head, far more than any spell or weak platitudes about getting better would have.

Every time he made love to her – be it because of blind animal lust like earlier in the week, or to share a part of themselves with each other – it was different, unique. Last night hadn’t been about sex at all. It had been about healing. For them both.

And then, she’d sat up with him all night to make sure he slept well – and she hadn’t used any magic around him, of that he was certain.

_Speaking of which, she’s waking up._

Still floating, waiting for Leaena to make her way over, Cullen thought once more about what she’d said as he smiled to himself. There was one statement in particular he knew she would be mortified about, even though he wasn’t sure why. It had been the nicest thing anyone had ever said about him.

He was pointing away from the jetty as he felt her approach, her light steps almost soundless as she reached the edge of the platform.

‘Good morning, Commander.’ Leaena’s voice was husky from tiredness and having just woken up. ‘Do we really have to go back to Skyhold today? I find that there are other things far more fascinating right in front of me that I’d much rather explore.’

He was pleased that she sounded back to her normal self as he turned, stopping in his tracks at the force of seeing her now his mind was clear of worry and fear.

She looked sexier than ever, with his shirt falling off one of her shoulders as she sat with her feet in the water. Her hair was tumbling down her back and there was a sleepy smile of appreciation on her lips, her eyes glowing with awareness and desire.

‘Why don’t you come and join me?’ Recovering slowly from the powerful wrench in his stomach when he’d first caught sight of her, Cullen swam towards the jetty.

‘What, and interrupt this?’ Leaena laughed, sounding more at ease than he’d heard her for a while. ‘You, swimming around a lake naked, is something I could happily watch all day.’

‘I can’t persuade you in? It’s cold, which you like. And it might be nice if you came to give me a kiss.’ He couldn’t stop smiling at her as he ran his fingers up her legs. ‘There are ways I can get you right next to me you know.’

‘No, I’m really quite absorbed by the scenery – oh, don’t you dare!’ She shrieked, not realising how shallow the water was as he simply stood and grabbed her round the waist before dropping them both back into the lake.

He started to laugh harder than he had done in some time at the combined look of shock, consternation and mirth on her face.

‘You – you –’ Leaena was in tears of laughter as she couldn’t even swear, instead using every means she had available to her to fling as much water at him as she could.

‘To win a kiss from you I’ll utilise any power of persuasion I have, my lady.’ He was still laughing as he ignored her continuing splashes of water to pull her to him, thoroughly kissing her like he’d wanted to do since he’d woken up.

Even something as simple as the sensation of her lips on his, given how raw he still felt, halted his laughter immediately. Cullen realised just how badly he needed to feel her like this, desperately needing still to draw comfort from her presence, just like last night.

He almost sighed with contentment, worried he was holding her too tightly even as Leaena wrapped herself completely around him, leisurely kissing him back for a minute before looking up.

Her eyes searched his as she pushed the wet hair back from his forehead. ‘How are you this morning?’

Another internal prod told him he was in a different, more positive place already. ‘I – yes, I’m fine. A bit bruised but better than I’ve felt for ages’

‘I’m so sorry that happened to you, Cullen.’ Her fingers gently stroked the back of his neck, easing the tension that was still there.

‘It’s alright. Honestly. I feel like I can put some distance between myself and everything that happened. Well,’ he amended hesitantly, ‘it’s a start at least.’

‘More than that,’ she said encouragingly. ‘Thank you for telling me. I know how hard it was for you.’

‘Thank you for being there.’ He pulled out a twig that had made its way into her hair. ‘And for the very nice things you said about me. You didn’t have to.’

As he guessed, Leaena went brick red immediately from embarrassment. ‘I remembered how lovely you were,’ she mumbled, looking away. ‘When I had to see Vivienne that time. So I thought it might help if I tried too. You remembered all of it?’

‘I might have.’ Cullen kissed her nose, which, he was amused to note, had also gone a rather endearing shade of pink.

‘Oh. Can I ask you to please forget it?’ She buried her face in his neck, where he could feel the heat coming from her skin.

He moved down to kiss her neck instead, the only part of her he could reach as he tried to reassure her. ‘Absolutely not, my lady. You words came from the heart. You shared a private part of your mind with me to try and help. It is something that I cherish.’

‘Very well,’ she grumbled with a slight smile as she turned her face back. ‘When you put it like that.’

‘So what about you?’ He released her with a clamour of internal protest as she swam backwards.

‘Do you want to drift around for a bit?’ she asked, then let go of his hand. ‘Maker, this is bliss. I love being in water. This is almost as good as my lake at Skyhold.’

Leaena still didn’t answer his question as she dove underwater, coming up with a look of pleasure on her face as she joined him, lazily floating across the surface. ‘How am I? I’m recovered from the experience in the Fade. It was never you in the first place. Although it will take me a while to get over the fact I tried to kill you. But I’ll deal with it.’

‘What about everything else?’ Cullen knew there was something still bothering her, beyond her concern for him. ‘You know you can’t hide it from me, Leaena. I can sense the discord within you.’

She didn’t reply for a minute, just lying flat on her back as she stared at the sky, her hair and shirt billowing out around her. ‘Where do I begin? That something on the bad guy’s side is stalking me through the Fade trying to incapacitate us both? Why did Solas look at us like magical freaks after we found out lyrium was alive? And that we have to head to the Winter Palace soon, completely blind, right in the middle of a civil war?’

She pushed some stray hairs from her eyes as her eyes were fixed upwards still. ‘Truth be told, the more this goes on, the more I feel I’m an accidental Inquisitor. I don’t believe I’m equipped to deal with the problems the world needs me to fix.’

‘What?’ Of all the things he expected her to say, the latter wasn’t one of them. She usually thrived on the challenges that her role as leader of the Inquisition always bought. ‘But look at all you have achieved!’

‘We have achieved, not me. Admit it, Cullen - more often than not, it is you saving me from one nightmare situation or another that I’ve managed to fuck up. Then Solas or someone else patches me up to blunder off into the next disaster, risking everyone’s lives in the process.’ She was trying to make light of her comments but there was little humour behind them.

‘Come here,’ he said softly, stopping her from moving away. She was just too short to stand as he supported her, his hands on her waist as she stared at her fingers underwater, a line of anxiety creasing her forehead. ‘That’s all so far from the truth, my lady. You’re scared aren’t you?’

‘Terrified,’ she admitted, not able to look at him. ‘So much depends on us – on me. What if I fail?’

‘You are not going to fail,’ he said firmly. ‘These doubts have come about as a result of you being in the Fade. It’s no different to the images about me. And they weren’t true either.’

‘I know,’ she said with a rueful smile, looking at him at last. ‘No they were absolutely not true. Especially about you.’

‘The other things you mentioned – I understand. And we will deal with it. But no more doubts. That’s how they win. And that isn’t going to happen,’ he finished, in a voice that brooked no argument. ‘Are we in agreement?’

‘Yes,’ Leanea smile became wistful. ‘And, on that note, we should get going. Sadly.’

He nodded his agreement before they swam back to the lake’s edge, heartily wishing that they didn’t have to leave.

_Fuck, especially not when she looks like that._

Water was streaming off Leaena once she climbed out of the lake. His shirt was completely see-through on her, clinging to every line of her body as she turned to face him with a slight smile. Her nipples were erect and clearly visible, giving him an even better view of her breasts as she raised her hands behind her head in an attempt to get the worst of the wetness from her hair.

She started to laugh as she saw him quite blatantly staring at her with nothing but lust and a thoroughly masculine appreciation of her beauty that Cullen knew was written all over his face. ‘This is hardly fair. I think it’s only right that you get out the water and return the favour.’

He grinned unrepentantly at her, staying right where he was as he continued to thoroughly enjoy his view. ‘How long were you watching me earlier, Leaena? It’s my turn now.’

‘Is that so? If you want to see more, then you’ll have to move.’ She arched an eyebrow before turning and walking off, shaking out her hair. He knew she was being deliberately provocative, showing him the perfect curves of her backside and hips as droplets of water trailed down her long legs.

Something between a frustrated laugh and groan escaped Cullen as he made it to the side, dragging himself out and standing for a moment in the sun to try and dry off.

‘See that wasn’t so difficult, was it?’ Leaena had watched him the whole time, her eyes greedily running all over him as they always did, lingering on his erection before she continued her slow perusal.

She then came to stand before him, still dressed with that wet shirt on – the image of which was already fixed in his mind. ‘I’m guessing you don’t want to leave just yet?’ she murmured, one fingernail moving across his chest and down to his stomach before he caught it in his hand.

‘You, Inquisitor, are trouble. You know exactly how to wrap me round your little finger.’ He laughed, even as he couldn’t resist letting his fingers trace the outline of one breast, watching with satisfaction as her eyes widened and her breathing quickened. ‘How else do you expect me to respond when you put on such an erotic display?’

‘And,’ Cullen finished in a firm voice, ‘much though I hate to say it, yes we have to go back.’

She tilted her head to one side, still looking at him suggestively. ‘Oh, very well, Commander. You can’t blame me though. If you insist on running around with nothing on, this is the reaction you’re going to get.’

‘You were asleep.’ He spoke with some difficulty, completely distracted by the pulse beating rapidly on her neck as he reached to help her. ‘Allow me the indulgence of at least taking this off you before you hide yourself in that armour and cloak of yours once more.’

He started to undo the buttons, then wished he’d somehow had the willpower to turn away as she pulled it off, now standing naked before him as well. The scar down her side had faded to almost nothing. But that wasn’t what held his attention – he couldn’t stop looking at her breasts or her nipples as his eyes drifted even further down.

‘Cullen, it was your idea to leave so early.’ Leaena showed no signs of moving anywhere at all, revelling in tormenting him as he’d denied her just now. ‘So it’s up to you to get us motivated to go.’  

He knew if he did anything that involved touching her, all his good intentions on getting them both back to Skyhold that day would be gone.

‘Very well.’ With a huge effort, he turned around and started to rub off the worst of the water in his hair with one of the blankets, chuckling as she let out a huff of disappointment. 

‘Spoilsport,’ she muttered with a grin as she looked for something absorbent. ‘See, for you, I won’t cast anything.’

‘Why not?’ he asked, confused.

‘Oh.’ She stopped, looking abashed. ‘I just didn’t know if you were comfortable or not. I didn’t want to presume –‘

‘Leaena, your magic is a part of you. There’s nothing within you that I am afraid of.’ He thought frantically, trying to think of a way to convince her, before the obvious struck him. ‘Dry me off.’

She looked uncertain for a moment before nodding, a small frown appearing on her forehead as she waved her hand. The light prickle of magic unnerved him for only a second before he gave her a reassuring smile. ‘Thank you.’

‘You’re welcome,’ She hesitated a moment, wanting to ask him something as they both quickly got dressed.

‘What’s up, my lady? You have that expression on your face.’ Cullen was trying not to laugh at her look of bafflement.

‘Damn it, how are you so perceptive? What expression?’ Leaena had managed to get her boots on and was fiddling with the clasp on her cloak.

‘Because I know you. You want to ask me something but you have no idea how to put the words together. So just ask.’ He saw her still struggling and came over to do it up for her.

‘I – it’s just I don’t know if this is the right time.’ She’d stopped talking, looking a bit awkward.

‘There you go.’ He stood back, curious to know what had his normally eloquent Inquisitor stalling for words. ‘There’s never a bad time. You can always ask me anything, Leaena. You know that.’

She nodded, taking a deep breath before her words came rushing out. ‘What is it like, Cullen? Lyrium withdrawal? I asked Trystan. After I’d left you, before I rode out that day. And then way back when after you first told me, all you said was that you could endure it.’

‘But – what are you having to endure?’ Leaena then grimaced, throwing her arms in the air, frustrated at herself. ‘I should have asked before – well before now. It’s just you seem normal and I either forget or I remember and don’t want to intrude. That’s all rather a shit excuse. I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t apologise. I don’t mind.’ Cullen said nothing for a while, thinking about it. ‘It is difficult to be exact. Some days vary. Most of the time it is a permanent thirst for lyrium. It calls to me – it has its own song. Very similar to your magic in fact. I can ignore it most of the time.’

‘There are physical side effects too. The headaches, the nightmares, the shaking. And the paranoia. Which is what you experienced.’  He would never stop feeling the knife through his heart at the memory of his cruel words to her in the foundry, trying to push her away.

Leanea’s brow was furrowed as she concentrated, thinking on his words. ‘Every time I am with you, you seem fine, asides from the odd headache and a nightmare. Yet at the same time, the lyrium within you seems just as strong as it did the day I met you. I have no problems sensing you. And I just wondered how you were feeing physically these days.’

There was nothing Cullen could do but be honest. ‘Well, when I was last away from you, it was during the Western Approach. The way we parted, and the subsequent letters – that didn’t help. The nightmares and headaches were debilitating at times. But I made it through. And the moment I sensed you once more, even before we reached the keep, I felt better.’

‘That’s good,’ she replied with some relief. ‘And nothing since then?’

His reply was immediate. ‘Not really. If I couldn’t still feel your magic, and others to a lesser extent, as clearly as I can, I’d almost be inclined to think that the lyrium had nearly left my body completely. My abilities all still feel the same too.’

‘It’s curious,’ Leaena said, almost to herself. ‘I must find some time with Dagna before we leave again. But anyway, I’m so pleased to hear you feel so much more improved.’

Her face was filled with her approval. ‘There’s no way to say this without sounding horribly patronising, but you’ve done so remarkably well. You have extraordinary willpower, Cullen.’

‘Keep looking at me that way, Leaena, and I’ll prove you wrong.’ He was wondering why it was so important for them to get back to Skyhold so quickly when all he wanted to do was pull her to the ground and make love to her for the rest of the day.

‘Don’t tempt me.’ A laugh escaped her even as her eyes darkened with desire. ‘You were right. We have to head back, much though I hate it.’

A look of annoyance crossed her face. ‘I didn’t think we’d have to leave so soon but we need to depart for Orlais in two days - there’s such a crowd of us. And deal with whatever we find there.’

Feeing somewhat disappointed she’d stayed resolute as she continued to put things in bags, Cullen had to agree as he thought on what they still had to do. ‘We do. And I am concerned. I still haven’t had word of that red lyrium delivery through the Emerald Graves yet. I thought it would have taken place by now.’ 

She walked to her horse, leaning her staff against the tree it was tied up to before strapping on her bags. ‘Once the ball is done and we have more troops for you, I’ll scout there with the others. We will find out where it’s going and stop it.’

‘How do you feel about the trip?’ Cullen asked as he checked the area to see if they had missed anything.

‘Like everything else I do for the Inquisition these days. I want it over with as soon as possible so we can go and kill Corypheus.’ She exhaled in irritation, her hands on her hips as she closed her eyes. ‘Sorry. It’s not your fault.’

Her scowl lessened as she walked forward to the lake, wanting to enjoy the view one last time. She pushed her cloak back and dusted her navy blue coat off, the runes glowing brightly as she tried to remove some stubborn horse hairs. ‘At the very least, I can’t wait to get to Val Royaeux and order some more boots and this Orlesian armour. No offence to our armoury, but I am so particular. This is perfect for travelling – the problem being that I just didn’t realise how much of it I’d do.’

It was a style and colour that Cullen loved to see on her, always reminding him of when she gave Chancellor Roderick a piece of her mind outside Haven’s Chantry. The impact of seeing her now, as it was then, was still as powerful. As he came to stand next to her, he was momentarily startled when he recalled just how long ago that was.

They had both changed, and grown, for the better. Yet the threats they faced had multiplied and become darker. He could tell she still wasn’t convinced she could be what they all thought she should be – that she needed to do something differently.

Seeing she was about to pull on her gloves, impulsively he took Leaena’s hands in his, surprising her as he kissed the palms of each one. ‘I’m sorry all of this gets so difficult for you, my lady. But you have come so far. For what it’s worth, I am very proud of you. It will be over one day, with us on the winning side. Because of you.’

She gave him that special smile of hers, the one that always left him feeling slightly dazed by its impact. ‘Thank you. I know you don't give praise unless it is earned, so it means a lot to hear it from you.’

‘You can only be yourself. That is what made you the right candidate to become the Inquisitor in the first place.’ He didn’t move his eyes from hers, willing her to have the same confidence in herself that he had in her. ‘Your worth to us – to the Inquisition – is not something that can ever have a value put to it. We need you. Me especially. It’s that simple.’

‘I will do my best.’ Her quiet words were filled with gratitude as he felt her resolve strengthen once more. ‘Honestly, I really do appreciate how much belief you have in me. It makes everything easier to bear.’

_It helped me keep my faith for so many years._

_Maybe, it might help her too._

Cullen put his hand in his pocket, feeling the familiar reminder of family and security, as metal touched his fingertips.

He pulled it out to show her, flashes of a long ago, care-free life echoing in his mind. ‘The last time I was here was the day I left for Templar training. My brother gave me this. It just happened to be in his pocket but he said it was for luck.’

‘Templars are not supposed to carry such things. Our faith should see us through.’ A faith that, even after everything he’d experienced, still remained with him. All because of Leaena.

‘You broke the Order’s rules, Commander? I’m shocked.’ There was a teasing light in her eyes as she waited with interest to hear the rest of his story.

‘Up until a year ago I was very good at following them – most of the time.’ The look of amusement on her face made him grin slightly, just as his eyes were caught by the light glancing off the silver.

There was little he could do for Leaena when she was away, facing danger after danger for them all. In the deep of the night, the busy blur of day over, how powerless he truly was to keep her safe crippled him inside.

He still didn’t own very much. But he now knew though, just how much it meant to Leaena to have something that reminded her of him, close by. Especially after her words last night, it became even more important to Cullen for her to know that he would always be with her, either in spirit or physically by her side. That he could still protect her somehow, even when he wasn’t there.

‘This was the only thing I took from Ferelden that the Templars didn’t give me.’ He pressed the coin into her palm, closing her fingers over it. ‘Humour me. We don’t know what you’ll face before the end. This can’t hurt.’

‘I will keep it safe,’ Leaena promised. He could sense, behind those few words, just how moved she was by his gesture.

The strength of feeling sweeping through Cullen’s heart was intense, a reminder to him of just how bound together their souls were. ‘I know it’s foolish,’ he whispered as he took her face in his hands, ‘but I’m glad.’

She shook her head slightly, anguish flaring in her eyes for a second. ‘It’s not foolish. Oh, Maker – being away – it’s sometimes impossible to the point of pain. This means more to me than I can explain. It’s so thoughtful of you.’

After all this wonderful lady had done for him already – saving him time and time again, he suddenly understood his capacity to love her was infinite. Each day something happened that made him love her more. And that would only continue.

Leaena’s eyes reminded him of the deep blue Ostwick sea as he watched the emotions dance within. One of his hands was on her hair that she’d left down, stroking it softly. The fingers on his other hand were lightly trailing along her jaw, feeling her shiver slightly at the energy between them both.

Cullen’s voice went deeper and quieter as he searched for the words to let her know what was in his rapidly beating heart. ‘Even now, after all this time, I fall in love with you more and more each day. You – I have never felt anything like this. I didn’t realise it was possible, to love someone like I love you.’

Leaena’s smile became even brighter as she pressed her soft lips to his cheek, leaving sparks of electricity where they’d been. ‘I thought I couldn’t be any more in love with you than I already am, but it appears I most certainly can. Not for one moment did I think I would be so blessed as to have the love of a man like you.’

She looked at the silver glinting in her palm for a second.  ‘Now, I have something that is truly yours, everywhere I go. Whenever I feel sad or I'm missing you, I shall hold onto it tightly and remember this morning.’ She blushed at her next words as he tilted her face towards him.. ‘Based on what I just said, I don’t think I’ll ever let this coin go.’

The delicate taste of berries as Cullen gently kissed her, here in his favourite place and combined with the smell of her orange-blossom scent and the sheer beauty of Leaena - both inside and out - would forever stay with him.

These memories were something he needed too, when the desolation of missing her for weeks on end, together with the fear for her wellbeing, became too much. It helped remind him how better everything would be when they were together once more.

He sighed as his lips left hers. ‘I just wish I could be there with you.’ The old frustration rose within Cullen as he felt all the limitations on him because of his role within the Inquisition.

‘One day we will be done,’ Leanea promised as she wrapped her arms around him to hold him tightly. ‘There will be no need for the Inquisition. For any of this. Our purpose will be complete. We can just be Lea and Cullen once more. No demands on our time. And we don’t have to be apart, ever again.’

_She feels so good. How can I keep letting her leave?_

‘I know.’ He closed his eyes, praying to the Maker this torment was nearing the end. ‘It can’t come soon enough.’

They allowed themselves one more lingering kiss, filled with love, promise and hope for the future before he took her hand and led her to their waiting horses.

Cullen looked over at her once he’d mounted, not needing to tell her how much he regretted having to leave. ‘Ready to ride, Inquisitor?’

She nodded as they urged their horses forward. ‘I am, Commander. Let’s go home.’ 

 

 


	74. A Waiting Game

Lea silently watched Cadan pace around the large, ornate room. ‘Something doesn’t fit. I destroyed what we discussed and yet still there are assassins in Skyhold. We picked up three last week. They are not from the guild, nor are they Venatori.’

He frowned as he looked outside the window. ‘And then we have this situation with Vivienne. Nothing about that makes any sense either, aside from the fact that she’s a callous bitch who wants you dead. I could have told you that years ago so it’s hardly new information.’

Lea, Leliana, Josephine, Cullen and Cadan were meeting in Halamshiral, trying to make sense of the situation the Inquisition had found itself in. They had arrived yesterday from Val Royaeux, searching for more information and what felt like endless fittings with seamstresses and tailors, before coming here.

Everyone was fed up, impatient to be done with something that had been lingering for too long. There was, fortunately, only one day to go before the Grand Ball.  

Her head was pounding, bought on by too many sleepless nights filled with horror after horror. All a variation on the same theme, each as virulent as the last. Even being with Cullen hadn’t stopped them. Solas had taught her some further blocking techniques once she was there, but there was no way to prevent her sleepwalking into the Fade as she seemed to do now on a regular basis.

_At least I haven’t tried to kill him._

_Maker, is that how low I set the bar these days? Not murdering Cullen makes it a good night?_

Cullen sensed her discomfort, the warmth of his love flowing through her making her feel a bit less depressed as she leant back against a wall. ‘Run me through once again what we know.’

‘There is a Venatori assassin after the Empress,’ he stated. ‘Should Orlais fall, then the future you saw will see Corypheus sweep across Thedas with his demons.’

‘We are attending as guests of Grand Duke Gaspard. Absolutely everyone will be there.’ Josephine had been doing a very good job of ignoring Cadan the whole meeting, Lea noticed with some amusement.

‘Which provides a perfect opportunity for taking out everyone in one go,’ Cadan noted. ‘We tried to send warnings to Celene by the way, but none ever got through.’

‘Gaspard was due to inherit but Celene outmanoeuvred him and won over the Council of Heralds,’ Cullen continued, his deep voice doing much to quieten the red lyrium demon still in her head. ‘He became a General in the Imperial Army, well loved by his troops. He is a Chevalier and most of their number followed him when he turned on the Empress.’

‘Celene is embattled, at civil war with Gaspard.’ Josephine explained. ‘The Empire is slowly crumbling into chaos because of the war between the two factions. Celene is a diplomat and a reformer. Many people see Celene as being too soft and peace equalling complacency. She has no heir, with Gaspard still next in line to the throne. And he has few friends on the Council of Heralds.’

‘And we have the interesting rumour that Briala, her spymaster, was also once her lover. She too will be at the peace talks. Celene hopes to gain her support with the elves,’ Leliana finished. It was all information that they had gone over a hundred times.

‘Except Celene crushed the elves here in a deliberate object lesson and is far from the reformer she seems. Who would do that if they were intent on serious reform?’ Lea's voice was thoughtful. ‘Their Ambassador might be quick to forgive and betray them, but I doubt the elves themselves will. It's a massive betrayal of trust.’

‘And what of the threat to the Inquisition?’ she then asked, as she read through her notes once more.

‘You are influential in your own right, Lea. You are one of the strongest mages in Thedas and seemingly you have been marked by Andraste herself – no, don’t pull faces at me about what you found in the Fade at Adamant. It doesn’t alter how people see you.’ Cadan continued his pacing as he scolded her, much to the muted entertainment of the rest of the room.

‘The Inquisition is a holy calling for many – it has been blessed by Andraste. People flock to your banner. For many you even speak for Her.’ Her twin grinned at her look of pure discomfort at such a declaration. You have an army of tens of thousands at your disposal and have the respect of Ferelden, the Free Marches, Nevarra and Antiva. Even Tevinter eyes you with some curiosity. You, sister, are a force to be reckoned with. And that is scaring someone in Orlais.’

‘We are too powerful, Lea. We can make or break empires.’ Leliana agreed. ‘And that means Gaspard wants our favour, and our armies, and Celene wants us gone. I think.’

‘Really? She is behind the attacks on Josephine and me, as well as trying to sabotage your network?’ Lea contemplated all of their words as she chewed on her quill. All of those plots had been unfoiled right in Skyhold, with all of them pointing to Orlais. ‘It is remarkable how blind people can be. If we fail, then the whole of Thedas goes under.’

‘I have no proof,’ Leliana replied in frustration. ‘But I am convinced it must be so. You can swing the upcoming peace talks one way or another, Lea. And she knows it. It is easier to remove you than win you over. Why would an empress go to the effort of wooing an upstart Inquisition?’

‘Remember I found more evidence of Vivienne corresponding with Celene,’ Cadan added. ‘She has been providing regular reports on our recruitment and missions we undertake, as well as significant detail on your activities, Lea.’

‘Well,’ Lea said, picking up her notes as she ignored the shiver she felt at being under such scrutiny, ‘there is nothing we can do from here. Once we are in the Winter Palace, I fully intend on finding what I need to make a decision.’

‘Very good, Lea,’ Josephine said briskly, completely avoiding Cadan once more, who was watching the Ambassador intently. ‘I need to finalise preparations for tomorrow with the Duke’s office. I will see you all later.’ She swept out of the room, not waiting for anyone to respond.

Lea turned to her brother to hug him. ‘It is good to have you with us, Cadan. How was Denerim?’

‘Busy, as ever. I have a letter from Alistair here for you, by the way. Now, if we’re done, there’s a certain person I need to go and see.’ Handing the note to Lea and, with a devastating smile, he gave them both a bow, nodded to Cullen and left.

‘Are they going to sort it out? This is getting painful.’ Cullen was highly amused by Cadan’s speedy departure, as was she.

‘Andraste save me, I hope so.’ Lea was turning the note over in her hands, only half an ear on the conversation. ‘He was miserable. And so was she. For no apparent reason.’

‘Josie is so fortunate,’ Leliana sighed wistfully. ‘As is Cassandra. You have beautiful brothers, Lea.’

‘I do,’ she agreed, shaking her head. ‘And don’t they both know it. I’m pleased Cassandra is making Trystan work for her affections rather than just falling at his feet like any other woman would.’

‘Indeed,’ Leliana said with a smile. ‘Cadan always was spoilt for choice, even when I knew him. Although I think Josie has put him through more than enough. I hope they can find a way forward now.’

Lea had stopped listening, deliberately not looking at the main reason for her state of complete distraction.

_Cullen and Alistair…._

_Really, Lea?! Is now the time?_

It certainly wasn’t, not when Cullen had immediately felt the delicious warm heat rising through her magic. He saw Alistair’s letter in her hands, knowing exactly what she was thinking of. Risking a glance at him, he shot her a particularly devilish smile behind Leliana’s back. It only made her want him even more.

Leliana looked at her closely. ‘What’s the matter, Lea?’

_Cullen, you bad man! Stop laughing at me!_

‘Nothing,’ she said hastily as she turned away, thrusting the note in her pocket. ‘I am a bit tired. And I would like to do more shopping.’ That was the one subject that would make him depart and stop tormenting her.

‘Me too. I need new shoes.’ Leliana grimaced at her feet.

‘Is it wrong that I’ve always wanted to fight in high heels? I’d love to find a pair to match my black leather.’ Lea smiled sweetly at him, just as he developed a pained look on his face at the sudden talk of footwear, as well as looking at her with some astonishment at her ridiculous statement.

‘On that note, ladies, I shall leave you to it. There’s little I can add to this conversation.’ He gave her another unbelievably sexy smile as he left, making Lea forget her next words as she walked around the room, trying her hardest not to think of Cullen naked, getting out of a lake…..

_Leaena!_

The headache that had been plaguing her had at least partially disappeared with such pleasurable thoughts. Perhaps she wasn’t as tired as she thought she was. With a huge effort, she bought her mind to the present, looking across at her spymaster.

There was one conversation she did need to have.

‘Leliana, how do you feel about your candidacy for Divine?’ she suddenly asked.

‘What do you want to know?’ she asked tentatively.

‘Is it something you want? I would not see something forced on you that you did not feel comfortable with.’ Lea sat back, waiting for her answer.

‘I don’t know,’ Leliana said with no little consternation. ‘Trying to restore the Chantry would be like steering a sinking vessel through the storm.’

‘It would be so tempting to let that ship sink,’ Lea said with a hint of anger as she thought on it further. ‘I believe, but not in the Chantry.’

‘But imagine, Lea, what would happen.’ She gestured to the map. ‘Without it people would hate magic even more. It would take the blame for every ill that happened in Thedas. That hatred would spiral out of control.’

‘True,’ she said slowly. ‘We don’t want that.’

‘And the Chantry can see to it that it won’t occur. People are sheep, Lea. They need to follow.’

‘What would you do then, Leliana?’ Lea knew the answer but she wanted to be sure.

‘Change everything. No more Circles, and we would accept all the Maker’s children. The Chantry should be open to all races,’ she declared passionately, firm in her belief.

Lea smiled at her, considering the journey Leliana’s life had taken had taken her on and what she had experienced. There could be no one better.

‘I would support your bid for Divine, Leliana,’ she said decisively. ‘I believe you have the strength and character to force through the reforms that are so badly needed. You temper your ruthlessness, however, with benevolence and kindness. And you have lived, rather than be stuck as a sister your entire life. It is a mix the Chantry badly needs.’

She stood then, looking at the view of the perfectly manicured garden and little fountain outside.

‘We have done much already, and we have to prepare for a future beyond Corypheus. The stability of the Chantry is crucial to our plans going forward. Once I have spoken to Cassandra, I will write to the Clerics and declare the Inquisition’s support of your candidacy.’

Lea scribbled a note to remind herself to speak to both Cullen and Cassandra on the way home about the future of the Templars and Seekers.

‘Thank you, Inquisitor,’ Leliana smiled excitedly. ‘There is much to look forward to.’

Lea opened the door for them both as they made their way along the corridor. ‘Vivienne is still with us?’ She felt the irritation rise within her again. She’d forbidden the other mage permission to return to the Winter Palace ahead of time.

Leliana nodded. ‘Yes, my agents are tailing her. She is meeting with the usual people, and one or two who we don’t recognise. I have asked for further information and I will have it before tomorrow.’

‘I’m not overwhelmed from what I’ve heard of Celene thus far, but I find it difficult to think she ordered all these assassinations,’ Lea mused as they reached her quarters. ‘I know who did. Proof is eluding me.’

‘We will find it,’ Leliana assured. ‘Now, Inquisitor, try and rest. It will be a long night tomorrow.’

Lea nodded as she wished Leliana a good evening, entering her palatial suite and leaning her staff against the door. Josephine had secured the Inquisition a mansion right in the heart of Halamshiral’s very best district. The sheer opulence of everything left Lea cold.

She sighed, not bothering to take her boots off as she threw herself on her bed. She ignored the trappings in her room completely. The only Orlesian style she was interested in was their battlemage armour. Everything else was far too over the top for her tastes.

The sense of unease she’d felt since she and Cullen had been in Honnleath had not left her. Although that experience by the lake itself never failed to bring a smile to her face and wave of warmth through her heart.

_Exactly as he intended._

Lea’s fingers reached for the Ferelden silver safely tucked away in her pocket, running over the coat of arms that he’d nearly worn away over the years through exactly the same motions. If there was ever a bittersweet morning, that one was it. Having to leave such a peaceful place that meant so much to Cullen, even with him next to her, hadn’t been easy.

She pushed herself off her bed, shaking her hair through her fingers before straightening the tops of her boots around her thighs.

_So why am I moping around in here?_

She couldn’t wait to read Alistair’s letter, but she wanted to see Cullen more. Her need to be with him as often as possible was nothing new, of course, apart from the fact that it seemed to have intensified over the last week.

It was the only thing that took that disquiet, lodged deep within her heart, away.

Catching sight of herself in the mirror, Lea adjusted the long, tailored white shirt she was wearing over black trousers, deciding with a grin on her lips that there was nothing wrong with showing a bit of cleavage. She pulled on a long black fitted coat with runes round the cuffs, letting her hair hang loose.

Wearing amour that passed as clothing was her one concession to their surroundings. Lea had refused to wear a dress around Halamshiral, much to Josephine’s horror and Cassandra’s approval. Given the amount of assassins they were discovering, she had to be able to defend herself and getting caught up in voluminous skirts wouldn’t help.

Thinking of the threat to them all, she quickly re-cast the barriers Cullen had made her promise to keep up when she was alone. Deciding she looked presentable enough for some dinner at a tavern, she set off to find everyone, strapping her staff on as her heels clicked loudly on the creamy marble floor.

As she walked along, she saw Vivienne approaching her in the opposite direction. Reciting her mantra to remain polite and aloof, she nodded as the other woman gave her a soulless smile.

‘Good evening, Vivienne.’ She was astonished at her composure, given the witch had, in all likelihood, been the one busy trying to end her life the past few weeks. ‘I trust your rooms are to your satisfaction?’

‘They are adequate. I can overlook any lack given that it is such a delight to be back in civilization.’ A patronising smile appeared on Vivienne’s face as her eyes dripped with disdain. ‘Your little fortress was fun for a while but _this_ is where real decisions are made.’

_I must not kill her, I must not kill her, I must not kill her….._

‘How very odd. I have found that one does not necessarily need to be hanging on to the coattails of those in power to make a significant difference.’ Lea tilted her head to one side, her arms crossed with an equally patronising smile fixed on her lips. ‘The Inquisition goes where it wills, when it needs to. If Orlais were to do the same, there would be more than a civil war for Celene to deal with.’

It was just the two of them in the shadowy hall for first time since Lea had been nineteen, stupid and suffering from a seriously misplaced case of hero worship. One way or another, the long-running hatred between them both would come to an end very soon. And she was done pretending.

Bored of the conversation, wanting to let the odious woman in front of her know how short her remaining time on Thedas was, her voice became hard and her expression unforgiving. ‘It’s so unfortunate for the Empress that some of her advisors can’t comprehend the obvious. I do wonder how long people remain at her side when she realises how blinkered they have been, all whilst committing some quite astonishingly insolent acts in her name.’

Her words were met with a throaty chuckle as the other mage raised her eyebrows in feigned amusement. ‘My dear Inquisitor. I think you’ll find it isn’t the Empress who is unfortunate, nor her closest confidantes so stupid as to leave her so vulnerable. Perhaps you might want to look closer to home before you start throwing stones.’

‘From someone who has made a career out of pretending to be so much more than she ever could be, I find it impossible to take anything you say seriously.’ Lea’s voice became colder and sharper with each word, her magic flooding her as she fought the urge to strike.

‘Especially when your position at court was only secured because you persuaded Bastien to fuck you.’  Her eyes looked scathingly at the collection of flimsy material that made up the First Enchanter’s outfit. ‘How did you manage that, Vivienne? He was renowned for his young, beautiful and intelligent mistresses. All categories you don’t fit into.’

‘Such coarse language! If you insist on speaking like that I shall have to tell Celene to turn you away tomorrow. Clearly the art of polite behaviour has escaped you over the years, despite my best efforts during your misspent youth.’ Vivienne’s eyes spat hate as they bore into her. ‘You haven’t changed one bit.’

With one languorous flick of the scarf round her neck, she glided closer, looking Lea up and down with open contempt as she drew close. ‘Honestly, Leaena, I thought I taught you better than to look like a common slut from the Hanged Man. If you’re that desperate to keep your place as the Commander’s whore, darling, then you need to make a proper effort.’

‘Poor girl. All those blonde Templars – they were ever your weakness, weren’t they?’ Vivienne didn’t falter, malice lacing every single one of her sentences as she glided off. ‘I suppose it’s irrelevant - it won’t take long before he tires of you - that type of man always does. And, dear girl, don’t forget that it’s everything you deserve, and more.’

Lea was hard pushed to keep the green flames raging through her body in check as she watched her nemesis slither away into the dusty gloom. She refused to give Vivienne the satisfaction of a response, knowing her expression of boredom was frozen in place, as was the rest of her body.

_Nor will I ever let her see how much her words hurt._

They had been exactly the same words Lea had heard whispered in her ear before she was dragged from the dormitory in Montsimmard, bound and screaming for her life.

Lea felt like her whole being had just become encased in ice. She felt so brittle that one more word would see her crack in such a spectacular fashion, half of Halamshiral wouldn’t be left standing. Something within her had just become hard and black, the only way she could think of to cope with the onslaught in her mind.

With not inconsiderable effort, she managed to release her magic and reduce her fury down to a simmer, slowly unclenching her fists as she stalked off to find everyone else. The façade she’d worn for so many years had returned in force.

It didn’t take her long to find Cullen. He and Solas were sitting outside in a perfectly organised garden, completely devoid of character. It was a beautiful evening, balmy and mild for the time of year, the setting sun now hidden as long shadows started to appear across the grass.

They were focussed intently on a game of chess which, as far as Lea was aware, had left both of them at a stalemate for as long as they had been trying to outdo one another. She was shocked to think how long that actually was.

Cullen immediately looked at her, a question in his eyes, wanting to know what had her so changed. She mercilessly quashed the temptation to call him over, refusing to interrupt a game he was clearly enjoying.

_No. I have to be stronger than this. He can’t fix everything._

‘Aneth ara, ma falon. And don’t stop on my account,’ she murmured, gesturing to Cullen that she was fine as she looked closely at the board. ‘I forget how you both take such different approaches to this game.’

Solas looked again and gave a satisfied laugh as he moved his piece. ‘Yes. I see what you mean. Thank you for the advice.’

Cullen groaned, putting his head in his hands. ‘Why did you do that, my lady? That’s the closest he’s come yet.’ Solas had managed to put him in check.

‘Surely a general of your standing can think of a way out of this rout?’ the elf observed blandly.

Lea struggled to stop a grin appearing on her face at Cullen’s look of pure irritation. He hated to lose at anything. Chess in particular.

‘Clever, trapping his Queen like that,’ Lea commented as neutrally as she could manage.

‘Ma melava halani, da’len. Ma serannas.’ Solas’ face was completely impassive even as she knew how much fun the elf was having.

‘Mala suledin nadas,’ she replied, Solas nodding his agreement as she glanced back at Cullen, not having meant to be rude. 'Sorry. I’ll tell you later.’

‘It's not a problem. And don’t get too ahead of yourself,’ he joked as he stared at the board. ‘Also, whose side are you on, Leaena?’

‘You wouldn’t enjoy it if Solas made it easy for you and you know it,’ she pointed out as he looked at her with a small smile that somehow made her heart skip a beat, even amidst the ice creeping further inside her. ‘And the Inquisitor does not take sides, especially not when it comes to something as serious as chess.’

‘Really? Then what was with the tip to the most intelligent member of the Inquisition? It didn’t even take him a second to deduce what you meant,’ he grumbled even as he kept smiling, focussing on his next move once more.

‘It wasn’t just Solas who took a second to figure it out!’ she protested as she turned to wave at Dorian and Varric who had come over to join them. ‘What are you both up to?’

‘Looking for food. After Cullen gets beaten. This is something I must see.’ Dorian beamed cheerfully at Cullen who pretended not to hear. ‘Maybe we should order in and take seats ringside. This could take some time.’

Lea shook her head at them all, smiling as she greeted Varric, who clearly wanted to discuss something with her.

‘How are you Frosty? Ready for the big day tomorrow?’ he asked as he drew her to one side. ‘Have you decided who you will take into the Winter Palace?’

‘Maker, don’t remind me. Not yet. Cadan is attending separately from us, which gives me some room. Alistair called in some favours for him and Trystan but even he could only do so much.’ She crossed her arms, leaning back against a pillar as she thought through that particular issue. ‘It has to be the three advisors and I want Cassandra as well as Solas, Dorian and you. Which is already one more than Josephine told me I could have.’

Everyone but Iron Bull was here. Lea felt that someone had to remain behind in Skyhold who she trusted implicitly, and who could lead as all her advisors and most of the companions had to attend. This was not going to be a simple mission.

‘You need Sera there,’ Varric replied insistently. ‘She has her Friends on watch for Vivienne and they can pass messages through the servants which we can make use of.’

‘Shit, Varric I can’t take all of you. I would love to, just to hear Cole tell everyone what they’re really thinking, if nothing else.’ Lea’s headache returned with force as she leant back further, closing her eyes momentarily for some respite.

‘How about Solas and Sera get smuggled in as servants, alongside the Inquisition troops that will be arriving?’ Varric suggested. ‘I know this sounds bad but they would be the easiest to disguise. Then we just kit them out in Inquisition posh gear once they get in.’

She didn’t even pause in her response. ‘Arrange it. I have a feeling tomorrow night is going to be challenging. There is more going on than a Venatori assassination. Blackwall is going to organise the watch here for any suspicious activity, along with Cole.’

Lea shook her head, trying to reconcile the loveliness of their surroundings against the dark machinations that were moving around them, even now. ‘This place is the sweetest smelling cesspool I’ve ever encountered.’

‘I know what you mean. Val Royaeux and Halamshiral are beautiful on the outside, and a rotting sewer on the inside.’ He gave a cynical laugh, even as he automatically adjusted the crossbow on his back to ensure he could reach it rapidly. It was an unconscious action that had probably saved his life on more than one occasion.

‘You love it so don’t try and deny it, Varric.’ She absently adjusted the cuffs of her shirt, folding them over the sleeves of her jacket, enjoying the lighthearted banter Varric was so good at.

‘It’s the stuff of life, Frosty. Although I fucking well wish it was at home rather than here.’ The harsh note in his voice wasn’t lost on Lea.

‘We will be done soon, I promise. I’m sorry it’s so bloody difficult sometimes.’ She ran her hands through her hair, that hardness in her soul after hearing Vivienne’s cruelty taking over slipping for a second. ‘You aren’t the only one keen to return to the Free Marches.’

‘What’s up?’ he said quietly, recognising something was not right. ‘Something has happened, hasn’t it?’

She shook her head, not wanting to discuss that particular subject in detail, even as the sense of disquiet she’d had since she’d attacked Cullen grew stronger. ‘Vivienne. She has something planned but I have no idea what. And not knowing is fucking irritating, to be frank. The sooner I can send her to the Maker’s side, the better.’

‘I know.’ This time Varric made no secret of his annoyance. ‘She’s eluded us so far. But that is what tomorrow is for. We both need to be patient for a few more hours.’

‘True.’ Lea watched the sky rapidly change colour from red to purple as dusk announced its arrival. ‘Not my strong point, as you know.’

‘You know what a good cure is for that? A drink.’ He gestured towards the others, where some sort of ending seemed to have been reached with the chess game.

‘I’ll join you all in a moment. I have a quick bit of reading to do. Thanks for your help, Varric.’ She gave him a smile as he walked to see the result of the chess game that was being debated at some length.

Settling back on her pillar, she reached into her pocket for the letter she’d been dying to read, hoping that might help against the rising numbness within her.

_Dear Lea,_

_How is life being all Inquisitory treating you? I hear from your scapegrace of a brother that you are all decamping to Halamshiral. Don’t wear one of those godawful things they put women into. They look like outfits of torture. How do you breathe in one of them? Actually, on second thoughts, I’d rather not know._

_Anyway, there was a point in my writing to you rather than giving you the latest advice on Orlesian corsetry. Cadan will have told you everything, but I wanted to let you know this personally. Celene and Cailan were going to get married. Cailan was going to divorce Awful Anora and thus unite Ferelden and Orlais, ending the war. Loghain got wind of this and no more Cailan, given how much the bloody traitor despised Orlais._

_Celene has also, would you believe, had the gall to make the same overtures to me. I have refused point blank although I think Teagan rewrote my letter. Where’s the fun in being King if I can’t turn down an Empress my own way?_

_Urgh. It makes me feel disgusting to even contemplate. I could have married that coldhearted cow still living at my Majesty's pleasure if I wanted the same barren, loveless marriage that my brother had. There will be alternative ways for Ferelden to make peace with the Empire, one that does not require me to sell myself or my kingdom._

_Once this business with insane darkspawn magisters is out of the way, perhaps the Inquisition could help with negotiations. That Ambassador of yours has that special knack of no one daring to say no to her, in the most charming way possible._

_I do believe Celene sees you as a threat however, particularly with Freya having now been gone for so long - and that you and I are old friends. You are quite the matrimonial prize it would seem, Lea, even for my humble self._

_Tell Cullen from me that he needs to dust off his white glove and polish his rapier. He’s going to have to do quite a lot of defending your honour whilst you’re at this ball. Except not with me, if that’s alright. He’d probably kill me – I’m a bit rusty with the duelling swords._

_Leliana probably knows all of this about Celene already, by the way. How she knows more about me than I do myself is one of those mysteries I will never solve. But in case she does not, you may share this with Cadan and your advisors._

_Cadan may also have told you that Freya is still out, still seeking a cure from the Blight. It is not easy. In fact, it is the most awfulest thing in the universe, ever, to know she is not home yet. But we manage to correspond from time to time and I have faith that she will return to me one day._

_Hawke and I have been communicating over restoring the Amell name and Freya being elevated to nobility once more. That ruler in Kirkwall who is waiting for her to come back and take her rightful place has confirmed it. So I can marry her as soon as she gets home - just once I have words with the new Divine, whoever that might be. She sent you her love in her last letter and was fascinated to hear about the Inquisition._

_Why did I not merely tell your twin this information to pass onto you? I can hear you thinking it right now, like a loud gong reverberating in your head. Seriously, because I also wanted to wish you good luck, dearest lady. You are one of mine and Freya’s closest friends and you are missed here at court._

_May Andraste guide you in the murky waters of the Winter Palace, and beyond. Not that you need help. You are the most capable person I know._

_Alistair_

_Ps when you see Morrigan, bear in mind she can be your friend-ish. If you can find it within yourself to ignore her awful temper and forgive the sense of humour failures she has on an hourly basis._

Lea read and re-read his message again, laughing at her friend’s words which had made her feel better, as she knew they would. Her mind was frantically processing the information on Celene, just as she felt hopeful her two dear friends would have the happiest news possible if things at the Chantry went as she expected. 

‘Alistair’s letter?’ Cullen asked as he walked over to join her.

‘Take a look.’ She passed him the note, closing her eyes again as she fought a losing battle against the pain that had taken permanent residence across the front of her head.

Vivienne’s sheer brass and lack of concern earlier had her rattled, not to mention the long ago words still smarting inside her, no matter that she knew they were untrue.

_It was strange how she echoed my nightmares._

_Just for once, I would like something to be fucking straightforward!_

‘Awful Anora?’ She opened her eyes to see him looking at her with ill-disguised amusement.

‘Oh. I knew Anora as a child.’ Lea waved a hand dismissively. ‘Some summers we would all be together. She was an icy bitch then and she’s an icy bitch now. Anora thought she was better than us, as did her lunatic, treacherous father. Because, Marchers, you know. Inferior nobility. So the nickname between my siblings and I just stuck, especially after what she did to Alistair and Freya.’

‘She wasn’t particularly welcoming to Alistair was she,’ Cullen agreed, as his eyes returned to finishing the letter.

‘That’s an understatement. I wish he’d chopped her head off but he’s far nicer than I am.’ Her face was one of disgust as she thought on the former Queen of Ferelden.

‘So, another reason for Celene to wish you dead?’ Cullen continued mildly, steering her away from murderous inclinations towards Ferelden nobility. ‘Because you are a threat to her position given your relationship with the King of Ferelden? Or a threat to the peace process in general?’

‘Who knows? So far, the only opinion I’ve formed is that Celene is completely ruthless and will stop at nothing to get her way. Which is normal I suppose, for someone in her position.’ She shrugged, the feeling of being caught up in an inexorable tide leaving her feeling a bit claustrophobic. ‘Of Gaspard I know even less. And I still don’t have enough knowledge on either of them to know who’s going to gain the Inquisition’s support.’

‘A rapier? I think I’d snap it in my fury to slit the throat of whichever bastard dared try.’ He was smiling as he finished reading the letter, but she could sense his sudden insecurity. ‘Alistair’s right though. You are quite the catch, my lady.’

_Never. There is no one but you._

That alone cut right through the thick shell she’d erected round her innermost feelings. Lea wasted no time in pulling Cullen to her to and giving him a slow, long kiss. She was his for life and nothing would change that. That the Inquisition might decide to marry her off somewhere was a notion she completely rejected.

‘Well, isn’t it lucky that you caught me first.’ Just being this close to him halted the encroaching darkness trying to claim a foothold. ‘I have no intention of running off into the sunset with anyone but you.’

‘Good.’ Cullen’s amber eyes suddenly became intent, Lea’s heart starting to skip even more beats than it was already at the message there she couldn’t decipher. Then everything was driven from her mind aside from thinking how amazing it always felt to have the pressure of his lips on hers.

After a thoroughly enjoyable minute or two, she looked back up at him, interested to see what his reaction would be to her next thought.

‘Well, I won’t be the only person under fire. Remember those marriage proposals that I talked about the other week?’

_There’s my answer._

Lea burst out laughing at the look of horror on his face, her headache already lessening. ‘Cullen, it’s a ball. A place where people go to court others. If you look as good in the outfit as I suspect you will, then it will be me sharpening my sabre instead.’

‘Let’s go and meet Dorian and Varric. You can use a sabre?’ Cullen looked at her with interest as they left to catch up with the others. ‘Why did I just ask that question?’ he added dryly. ‘Of course you can.’

She almost felt content again once his fingers were entwined with hers as they walked up the hill. ‘Not as well as I can use daggers but I’m passable. And I shall put my skills to good use tomorrow it seems. Or not. That would be the fastest ticket out of here, wouldn’t it?’

The little bubble of happy that had insulated her from the shadows – created by Alistair’s letter and nurtured by Cullen just being him – didn’t just pop, it exploded in a messy, seething mass.

Even now, Vivienne’s words on her weaknesses reached inwards, drawing the dark place right back out again, leaving Lea frantically building her icy fortress inside to defend herself. It also left her ready to take risks she wouldn’t normally consider in her need to comprehensively, this time, defeat her foe.

‘Leaena, what is it?’ He went to stop her, but she gestured for them to keep walking. They were near the tavern now and she badly wanted a drink.

‘I saw Vivienne earlier that’s all. We’ll find out tomorrow what entertainment she has planned for me.’ Lea did not want to talk about it, determined that her night would not be ruined. ‘Who won, by the way?’

Cullen let it go, although clearly not happy by her response. ‘No one. Stalemate.’

‘What, again?’ She was distracted from saying any more as they arrived at the busy tavern, joining Dorian and Varric at the table.

‘Ready for that drink, Frosty?’ Varric passed her an ale which looked completely unappetising.

 

 _Not tonight. Something stronger has to take this away_.

She gestured to a serving girl, asking for an alternative. The latent anxiety and anger within her boiled up furiously again, her need to do anything to erase the memory of the vicious words of paramount importance. 

She clearly wasn’t as over things as she’d thought.

‘That’s better.’ A bottle of whiskey sat in front of her, Lea immediately pouring herself a generous amount and knocking it straight back.

She sensed Cullen’s mounting concern as she quickly drank a second glass, the numbing effect she’d been looking for starting to kick in.

Heedless of the warnings in her own head, of the worried looks the others were giving her, she drank a third, feeling better already from the artificial high of too much alcohol in such a short space of time.

‘Why is everyone staring at me?’ she asked irritably as she helped herself to another drink, this time sipping it slowly. ‘It’s been a bloody long day. Who’s up for a game of Diamondblack?’

Everyone nodded their agreement as Lea concentrated on escaping the scrutiny of everyone else, her brain still working through the hidden meanings behind Samson’s nightmares and Vivienne’s words. It was making her headache even worse, her unease growing as the shadows seeped through her veins.

She knew Cullen would demand to speak to her about it later, wanting answers which she couldn’t give. All she had was an amorphous feeling of vulnerability and dread, like she’d missed something hugely significant all these months.

_And I will pay the highest price as a result._

Angrily, Lea looked at her cards, trying to push the negativity away. She focused instead on happy thoughts, all of which revolved around anything to do with Cullen, killing Vivienne and Corypheus, and relaxing with her friends, just like this.

‘Come on Lea, two silvers or three? I know you Marchers are a bit slow but this is pushing things.’ Dorian’s voice cut through the complete fog in her head as she drained her glass.

‘Three silvers? Child’s play. Is that all they teach you in Tevinter? I’ll raise you to five,’ she challenged immediately, throwing her coin into the centre of the table.

Drinking and gambling to the extreme was all she could do to help herself, in a futile attempt to stem the panic. Feeling reckless had to be better than feeling doomed, after all.

\-------

_Just another slut with a willing cunt for a Templar to fuck. That’s all you are ever going to be worth, darling Leaena. You bought this all onto yourself._

The light was gloomy and dim, but the noise deafening her as the words of over a decade ago refused to leave her head. Everything was out of focus as Lea tried to pour herself another drink.

She then slammed the bottle on the table in a fury when it refused to provide any more whiskey, looking around for the barman to bring her more. It appeared turning her head was a mistake.

‘There’s none left, my lady. Will you leave now?’ Cullen’s voice was the only noise that still made sense to her as she rested her spinning head between her arms, trying to make the world stand still for a second.

_Oh nonononononno no sick……_

Managing to lift her head, Lea stood slowly, holding onto the side of the table for assistance as she edged away. Dorian and Varric had departed some time ago. She thought.

Immediately she felt the solidity of Cullen’s arm tightly around her to support her as she made her very slow exit from the tavern. She just about managed to get an arm round his back as she started to meander back to the Inquisition’s mansion.

The cool air landing on her skin helped for a moment as she stumbled over absolutely nothing, Cullen steadying her quickly.

‘I think – I think I drank an awful lot.’ The silence felt unnatural to Lea after the buzz and smoky heat of the main tap room.

‘I know, Leaena.’ He fell silent next to her once more.

She also remembered that it was the first time Cullen had ever seen her like this. And he was hating it. Lea added guilt to the long list of everything she had done wrong since becoming Inquisitor.

‘Sorry, Cullen. I didn’t mean to.’ Somewhere, it occurred to her that getting so roaringly drunk before a major Inquisition event was perhaps not her brightest idea ever.

He gave a deep breath, searching for words that wouldn’t inflame whatever was in her head. ‘It’s alright. I wish you’d talk to me about it first before looking for the solution in a bottle.’

‘What choice did I have? They didn’t go away,’ she grumbled petulantly. ‘It didn’t make them stop.’

‘What didn’t?’ he asked her carefully.

‘Voices. Words. History. Fucking Fade.’ Lea was grateful her speech wasn’t slurred, even if forming full sentences seemed like an effort.

‘Do you want to tell me about it?’ he asked lightly, drawing her a bit closer.

‘It’s complicated.’ Lights were flickering steadily in front of her eyes.

With this much alcohol in her, she could barely sense him at all. Except that he had only ever been this worried about her twice before. ‘You feel good. I like you.’

‘I like you too,’ he replied after a pause. ‘Can you tell me why you needed drink to escape?’

There was still a tiny part of Lea that told her she’d do anything Cullen asked of her. She couldn’t refuse him anything. The chaos she’d tried so hard to supress inside of her erupted as she, yet again had to force herself to acknowledge that one fact she kept hiding from.

_He deserves to know._

 She tilted her head. It wasn’t a voluntary action on her part, as her mouth spoke without her even realising. For a moment, she was being pulled to the floor.

‘Only nasty whores want to fuck Templars. Which makes you one, Leaena. And the worst sort. I heard you begging for it, you filthy bitch. How many others have you tempted away from a life of righteousness?’

She giggled. It sounded so odd, those collections of words, when spoken out loud. ‘I spoke whole sentences! Perhaps I’m not as drunk as I think I am.’

Cullen had, however, ground to a halt next to her, grabbing her waist to stop her from falling and staring at her in shock. ‘Is that who I think it is?’

She blinked, trying to stop the lights in the braziers from burning so brightly in her eyes as she hiccupped between another giggle. ‘Of course. Dragged by my hair. Then, crack! You know, palm on face, that sound it makes.’

_Except this isn’t actually funny. At all._

‘Maker – she is – will you tell me what happened today?’ His voice was becoming insistent as she started to weave her own way down the street.

‘But Cullen, the stars – soooooo pretty. Can I touch? And take them home?’ If she spoke about it properly, she would break. Again. And that was not an option.

‘If I promise we will collect all the stars you like - after we’ve spoken about this - then will you tell me?’ Her hands suddenly felt good. She beamed down at them once she realised why. It was because he was holding them in his warm grasp.

‘We bandied words. In our usual fashion. Then we got direct. She’s not afraid. And that I don’t like.’ Lea pulled him along the path, feeling restless all of a sudden.

‘Wait a second.’ Cullen stopped her once more. ‘Did you remember something else today?’

She had to make this stop somehow. A dark voice inside her was insisting that, for the first time, she couldn’t tell Cullen what happened.

Lea couldn’t afford to let herself falter now. ‘Something she said to me. It was the same as back then. Honestly, it was no big deal.’

‘So not a big deal you drank a whole bottle of whiskey in less than two hours? Don’t lie to me, Leaena.’ He was unrelenting and gentle in that way where he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

He’d said something about stars and helping her. Now that was a good idea. If she tipped her head back too much to look, though, she’d fall over. ‘You’ll help me? I always wanted to put them in my bag when I was little and have them sparkling away on my windowsill.’

‘Of course I’ll help you. Just say what’s on your mind.’ He hadn’t moved, still holding her firmly by her arms. Which, given she was swaying like a tree in a storm, was a good thing.

Her stubborn, drunkard mind finally realised that he wasn’t going to stop until she told him.

‘I’m your whore. That’s all I am good for, fucking Templars. You’ll tire of me, like they all do. It was what she’d said to me as I was being bound up. She just reused it earlier.’ Suddenly feeling numb, forgetting her happy thoughts about stargazing, her voice went flat.

‘Was there more?’

She almost didn’t hear him, her ears buzzing with the sound of too much to drink and past mistakes that still, even now, came back to savage her.

‘Oh, you know. That I’m weak and I haven’t changed since I was a teenager.’ A yawn escaped her as she kept staring at her feet. ‘It was all the same boring old tune I’ve heard from her before, Cullen.’

‘And yet it affected you enough to get this pissed the night before negotiations we’ve waited months for? This is completely out of character.’ Her evasiveness was beginning to frustrate Cullen, even though he hadn’t raised his voice at all. ‘Why won’t you tell me?’

_He can’t know._

‘Because it’s just old ground. What good does it do to keep rehashing the past?’ She focussed every part of her brain towards giving a normal answer.

Lea knew she needed to end this line of conversation before her all too observant and astute Commander found out the whole.

‘Look, I’ll be fine tomorrow. It was just the last straw earlier on top of a long week. I’m sorry about tonight. I was wrong.’ Hopefully that would stop him before she blurted the lot of it out in an alcoholic-induced rant.

‘Leaena, you haven’t done anything wrong. Maker take it – I’m just – I worry about you. Overly, I know. Now is not the time to talk, you’re right.’ He tucked her in next to him as they started to walk again.

‘You aren’t a whore, though. Especially not mine,’ he said quietly. ‘Even the thought of associating that word, or any variation of that theme with you makes me want to hit something hard.’

‘Thank you,’ she smiled blearily at him before hiccupping.

Her vision was beginning to steady a little bit but Lea could barely still put one foot in front of the other. She was only managing to propel herself forwards by leaning on him heavily, her arms clinging to his waist. Not that she minded at all.

‘And I am not getting rid of you, ever,’ Cullen added resolutely, his arm unconsciously tightening around her shoulders. ‘So you’ll just have to deal with it.’

_Better. Ish._

‘I think can cope with that. Make sure you stick to it.’ She would never cease to be amazed at how just being with Cullen helped.

Then she realised they were back at the mansion. It had felt like the longest and shortest walk ever.

‘Oh, we made it.’ Lea somehow got past the guards, up the stairs and to the wing where they all were staying without falling flat on her face. ‘Your room. Mine is too formal and too big.’

‘Not that mine is much smaller,’ he observed, slightly cynically. ‘There are some perks to being Commander of the Inquisition it seems.’

As he shut the door behind them, she leant back on the wall, gratefully sinking to the floor in an inelegant heap. ‘Don’t give me that I’m just a simple soldier thing, Cullen. Templars are anything but. You especially.’

‘Thank you. I think.’ His voice was so close it startled her for a second until Lea belatedly realised he’d come to sit by her head.

‘You are a totally beautiful man. Lucky me.’ Lea knew she had the stupidest grin on her face which, being this inebriated, made it impossible to get rid of – but he looked so gorgeous she just couldn’t help herself.

‘This coming from the loveliest lady in Thedas? You honour me.’ This time Cullen’s smile made her heart flip over multiple times whilst her stupid grin got bigger.

She knew she was hardly the prize of the town right now. She could barely focus and her words were starting to blend together. And she was fairly sure she absolutely reeked.

Lea somehow managed to roll onto her back, wanting to see Cullen more as she threw her arms and legs wide across the floor. ‘That fucking bitch was right in one regard.’

 ‘How so?’ He’d gently started to massage her forehead in a way that was guaranteed to get her to sleep.

‘Templars.’ Her eyes closed as she felt close to the point of talking total nonsense. ‘She said I still have a weakness for blonde ones. Fuck, that feels nice.’

‘That implies there’s been more than one.’ For the first time that night she heard a hint of laughter in Cullen’s voice. ‘Is there something I should be worried about?’

She was assailed by a fit of hiccups once more. ‘That wanker from Montsimmard was blonde. And years ago I had the most foolish crush on Alistair.’

_Shit! How did she know that?_

The thought was gone the moment it registered with her.

‘Really? Now who’s the one who was hiding secrets?’ His fingers were still doing magical things on her forehead as she felt herself struggling to stay awake.

Lea managed to get one eye open, just able to see through, what was probably a highly unattractive, squint Cullen’s obvious amusement at her words before she closed it again. It was getting harder and harder for her to remember how to speak.

‘It's hardly comparable to yours! Nothing happened! I was much younger then. Fancied myself in love. Idiot.’ A huge yawn escaped her as she almost couldn’t finish what she wanted to say. ‘And pointless. Freya is the only one. For Alistair I mean. I never told anyone ever. Until now.’  

‘Your secret is safe with me. Although, knowing I compete against a King when it comes to your standards has left me feeling somewhat inferior.’ She felt him press a kiss to her forehead.

Everything was feeling very distant to Lea now, the misgivings and anger she’d had earlier driven away completely. She couldn’t make a noise of protest as his fingers disappeared, only to be replaced a moment later by arms that picked her up and moved her to the bed.

She lay almost comatose on the bed, feeling him taking off her boots and jacket to make her more comfortable.

  _What did I say? Every time, something else that makes me fall in love with him even more. Or something like that. Blahblahblah. It’s all the same thing._

_Oh, don't stop talking. Pleaseeeeeee……_

His warm, deep voice filtered through the near-sleep of her brain, like a fluffy woolly blanket making her feel safe and toasty inside. ‘I have no idea if you are still awake, so I probably sound absurd talking to myself. But it feels very wrong to undress you when you’re so not yourself.’

He was whispering, not wanting to disturb her as he eased off her trousers and tucked her in under the blankets. ‘Because, you went to a bad place today and I don’t want to make it worse if you wake up and panic. This sounds stupid but I won’t chance it. So I’ll take your trousers off and leave it there.’

_See? Just like that. More love. Wow. So much more and I already love him like, like universe size._

_Must tell him._

Just as Cullen was about to get off the bed, Lea opened her eyes, giving him a brilliant smile as she reached out to touch his face, loving the familiar, opposing sensations of rough stubble and soft skin on her fingertips.

‘Silly man,’ she murmured drowsily, ‘who is ever going to compare to you? They all went completely by the wayside the moment I saw you.’

The effort of that became too much as she immediately closed her eyes and curled up in a ball, more in the land of asleep than awake. Her last, somewhat drunken, memory was of the lightest brush of his lips against hers and the blissful sensation of complete security that only being in love with him could bring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ‘Ma melava halani, da’len. Ma serannas.’ - You helped me. Thank you.
> 
> ‘Mala suledin nadas.' - Now you must endure.


	75. Forewarned (art by Gerry Arthur)

‘Get up. Now.’

A knife was stabbing in her head repeatedly. That’s what the voice sounded like. She thought that maybe, just maybe if she didn’t move, it would go away.

‘I’m not kidding, Inquisitor. Move it.’

Make that a thousand knives. And maybe if she prayed to Andraste hard enough, she’d get her a nice cold drink of water. Or lemonade.

_Don’t I know that voice?_

‘Three seconds or I’ll make you regret that hangover even more.’

It didn’t matter what the voice said. She couldn’t move even if she wanted to. Every muscle was protesting against the thought, even as the knives made their way rapidly to her stomach. There was nothing there to bring up aside from stale whiskey, but she was sure if she could, she would.

‘Aaaaaah! You utter sod!’

Lea found herself on the floor, having been dragged out of bed, her head hurting even more at being sorely jolted when her body unceremoniously hit the ground.

‘I did promise. It’s your own bloody fault that you got so shitfaced last night you can’t even get up.’

There were three people in the world who would dare to do something like that to her. One of them never would in the first place. Another would find another, less intrusive way to get her up. The third was the person staring down at her, arms folded, smirking at her discomfort.

‘Cadan,’ she growled in anger, ‘what in Andraste’s name was that for!’

‘How many times do you want me to repeat myself?’ She badly wanted to wipe the smirk off his face in the most painful way possible. ‘Get the fuck out of bed. You have five minutes to meet me downstairs, ready for practice.’

‘Bugger off!’ Still on the floor, she closed her eyes, fighting down nausea and refusing to engage any further with her brother.

‘Go easy, Cadan. I didn’t agree to you coming in here to make things worse.’ Cullen had come over at that point. She hadn’t even realised he was still there.

‘I know.’ Cadan was unapologetic. ‘But I can treat her in a way that you won’t, which will shake her out of this boozy wallowing she’s been doing.’

‘It’s not that I won’t. I simply have a different way of approaching things with your sister rather than dragging her out of bed by her feet and dumping her on the floor. Five minutes, you said? She’ll be there in ten.’ Cullen’s tone was one was one she recognised. The quieter he got the more one of his men knew they were in trouble.

It was, of course, powerless on her incorrigible twin. ‘Maker’s Breath, Cullen, if we wait around for you to use your skills of persuasion on Lea we won’t see either of you all day. I’ll wait for her outside. Ten minutes.’

‘Cadan, seriously, get the fuck out. Now!’ Lea had managed to drag herself up to a sitting position, furious and embarrassed as she saw Cadan’s back disappear through the door, laughter in his wake.

‘Shit!’ Tears pricked at her eyes at how utterly wretched she felt as Cullen helped her to her feet. ‘He expects me to do anything in this state?’

‘Here. Solas suggested two.’ Cullen passed her the potions, which disappeared in seconds.

Lea leaned back on the bed, rubbing her sore head as she pieced together the day before.

‘What are you doing here?’ Her voice came out as a croak as she flopped back down, movement beyond her for now.

‘Working. Waiting for you to wake up. How are you?’ He turned and put the empty bottles to one side before coming to sit next to her on the bed.

‘Feeling like the world’s biggest idiot. I’m so sorry.’ The dread hadn’t left her whatsoever. In fact, the alcohol had made it worse. What a total fool she was.

_And I can’t hide it from him._

‘Leaena, whatever is going on inside you, next time, talk to me or someone about it. Don’t do this to yourself.’ She could sense how hopeless he felt, not understanding why she wouldn’t open up to him.

This, though, she couldn’t.

‘I can’t. Because I don’t know what it is.’ She sank her head into her hands in defeat. ‘I just feel on edge. Like there’s something glaringly obvious in front of me I should be doing and I’ve missed it.’

‘And it’s been bothering you since that night in Ferelden? Leaena, it was in the Fade. Don’t listen to whatever you’re being told. You know it’s happening deliberately.’ She felt the light touch of his fingers on her forehead, calming her somewhat as he moved her hair from her eyes.

‘I’m not – it’s not that. It is – urgh, I can’t explain. Oh –‘. She shook her head and promptly wanted to be sick. All she could taste was whiskey swilling around in her stomach. ‘Cadan is right on one thing. Practice will get rid of this.’

‘Let’s walk back to your room.’ Cullen handed her trousers over as she climbed into them unsteadily, carrying her boots rather than bothering to put them on as she used her staff for a walking stick.

‘I’m sorry about Cadan,’ she mumbled once they reached her suite. ‘I don’t know what came over him.’

‘I’m not bothered. He’s worried about you, that’s all.’ He handed her a towel as she waved her hand at the washbasin, desperate to clean her teeth and remove some of the stench from last night.

She quickly freshened up, feeling better by the minute as she stopped, drinking several glasses of water in one go. The vile taste and smell had gone, but she scrubbed all round her mouth one more time to be sure.

‘It doesn’t mean he can barge in like that and throw me out of bed. I’m going to kick his ass.’ Lea absently pulled off her shirt and underwear, rummaging through her drawers for what she wanted.

Feeling the immediate heat of desire and admiration shoot through his lyrium, she spun around, completely forgetting the brassiere and pants in her hands. He was leaning against the door, his arms folded and legs crossed, watching her with a small smile pulling at his lips.

Cullen hadn’t bothered with armour these last couple of weeks unless they’d been on the road, just wearing Ferelden-style trousers and a coat, over a white shirt, and boots. His sword, hanging from his hip was the one thing he was never without. It suited him.

_What am I going on about? He looks good in anything._

So good, in fact, she couldn’t stop staring. ‘I’m going to get doubly blasted by my twin unless you come and help me rather than distract me.’

It didn’t stop Lea walking towards him, resting her forearms on the door by his head and letting her tongue slide between his lips, wanting to taste him and feel his tongue in her mouth. A soft moan escaped her as she kicked herself mentally in sheer irritation for getting so drunk last night. Sex would have gone an awful long way in banishing her demons.

His hands ran down her sides and down over her backside, the heat from his palms creating a path of fire on her skin even as he trailed a line of kisses down her neck, sparks now shooting across her chest. ‘You will. Don’t strip in front of me next time you’re in a hurry.’

Her laughter was mixed with regret and disappointment as she stood back. ‘Later. I promise.’ Quickly putting her underwear on, she started to rifle through her closet for the right armour. ‘Shit. What to wear?’

‘It’s training. Why can’t you wear what you always do?’ Confusion was mixed in with lust as Cullen’s eyes continued to roam heatedly over her body. ‘You know this particular vision of you with that black lingere on could arguably be as good as you undressed, Leaena. Remind me why you need to see Cadan again?’

‘Are you deliberately trying to make my life difficult right now? Just give me one reason why I can’t stay in here with you right now and I’ll take it,’ she said half-seriously before looking at her choices in irritation. ‘What I’d normally use is in Skyhold and my brand new set is for tonight.’

Lea grabbed one in deep red leather, pulling on a vest before the jacket and trousers went on. Once she’d buckled up her boots, she retrieved her daggers from her other pair and strapped on her staff as she looked for her gloves.

‘Right, I’m ready. Wish me luck because this is going to be painful. I don’t think Cadan is in the mood to spare me today.’ A few pins had her hair skewered in place on top of her head and out of the way. Her twin had a habit of fighting dirty, something he’d been doing against her since she was old enough to remember.

‘I’ll walk you down. I need to speak to Leliana about final arrangements for getting troops into the palace.’ He fell in by her side as they quickly made their way downstairs. ‘That suits you by the way, my lady. What did you decide to wear tonight?’

‘Thank you,’ she turned to give him a smile, hating herself for having to hide the true extent of how disturbed she was from him. ‘I still haven’t decided actually. I’m not wearing the uniform though. It doesn’t give the statement that I want to make at court.’

‘Well, no matter what it is, you will leave all the other women in the shade, as you always do.’ Cullen stopped outside the meeting room and gave her a kiss on her cheek. ‘Enjoy. I may even join you later.’

‘I would like that. It’s been ages since we trained together.’ Lea gave him a wave and headed off, her heart giving that tiny wrench every time she had to leave him for a short time. It was ridiculous, but she couldn’t control her response.

Sighing, trying to suppress her inclination to get Cullen and drag him back to bed, she prepared herself to deal with Cadan. He was the very devil when this careless mood overtook him.

_It had bloody well better not be Josephine. She can take my place otherwise._

Reaching the practice area right at the very edge of the mansion, she saw him standing there already, leaning against one of the pillars. The dagger idly being tossed in his hand was a surefire sign he was in a mood for mischief.

Swiftly, Lea reached down and threw one of hers into the target behind him, which landed with a resounding thump right in the centre. It missed his face by centimetres and made him blink as he turned towards her.

The deep blue eyes, identical to her own, were somewhat irate that she’d managed to take him by surprise. ‘You just made it, I see. Good of you.’

‘Well, after you asked me so charmingly, I could hardly be rude and arrive late,’ she retorted with heavy sarcasm as she jogged forward to get her dagger, pushing it back into her boot and grabbing her staff in her hands.

‘Given where your priorities were last night, sister, it makes me wonder.’ They both started to attack, the two of them so used to sparring against one another there was no need for a warm-up or rules.

‘What the fuck is your problem, Cadan?’ Her staff spun in the air and hit the ground hard, firing a bolt of energy as he disappeared from its path.

‘My problem? What the fuck is yours?’ Lea had to flip backwards as he appeared behind her, his daggers narrowly missing her back as she flipped her staff to sweep under his legs.

‘Don’t bloody well barge in on me sleeping off a hangover, for starters!’ Her voice shook with renewed anger as the two of them continued exchanging ferocious attacks.

‘You are the Inquisitor aren’t you?’ he quipped, sending her flying with a well-aimed kick at her middle. ‘You can take it.’

Like lightening, Cadan suddenly dropped the humour. ‘So many months of preparation have gone into tonight, Lea. The last thing we need is a semi-sober Herald stinking like some hobo from the gutter. What were you thinking?’

_I gave up a chance to fuck Cullen, for this shit?_

Lea managed to trap him in an ice glyph she’d cast lying down as she scrambled back to her feet, feeling satisfaction as her staff caught him squarely on his leg, throwing him to the floor. ‘I am more than aware of the stakes and more than aware I shouldn’t have done what I did last night! So drop it!’

He said nothing for ages as they continued to practice, the now tension simmering in the air between them. They were fighting harder and harder now, pushing each other as far as they could without doing any lasting damage. Lea was sweating hard, able to smell the hideousness of the alcohol, but relishing in the combat as her head cleared and her body returned to normal.

She needed this. Then it dawned on her.

‘You bastard!’ she howled as one end of her staff came down with force on his wrist, relieving him of a dagger. ‘And Cullen too?’

‘Well, it worked, didn’t it? Tell me you don’t feel marvellous.’ The change in Cadan was like night and day as he started to laugh at her.

‘What is the fucking time, you dickhead?’ She landed another blow to his side, then winced as his elbow met with her kidneys, sending her staggering forwards.

‘Early. Want to go back to bed?’ He was mocking her even as look of alarm suddenly crossed his face. Lea had done another manoeuver Bull had taught her, sending her flying towards Cadan and pinning him to the ground as he lay there, winded. ‘Lea, where did you learn that?’

‘Thank the former Ben Hassrath,’ an amused voice said behind them both.

‘You were in on this too, Trystan?’ Lea helped Cadan to his feet before wiping the sweat from her face. ‘But why would you wind me up?’

‘Because we know you need to sleep without alcohol or the Fade. And now you can. The two of you have been at it for over an hour. Don’t you feel better?’ Trystan looked at her with approval. ‘You look much more like yourself now, Lea. You have been drinking too much this last couple of weeks.’

‘Yes. But you could have just asked me to come down instead of sending me into a temper.’ Just because she was still put out with him, she thumped Cadan on the shoulder.

‘Now now,’ Cadan admonished. ‘You would have just laid there and looked at Cullen beseechingly with sad blue eyes. He then would have done nothing but bring you every kind of bad food that you demanded in bed and you would have spent the whole day feeling sorry for yourself. And tonight, you would have felt like shit. But not anymore!’

‘Don’t underestimate him. He can be just as much of a bully as the pair of you.’ Their conversation last night returned with full force, along with every single niggle of doubt and anxiety. Lea plastered a scowl on her face, pretending to be annoyed at them both.

Trystan grinned unsympathetically at her. ‘We had to get you angry, Lea. It was the best way to get you up. Short of setting fire to the bed, and Cullen got a bit disapproving when we suggested that.’

‘Maker, but today of all days – don’t wind me up again! I wondered what was wrong with you! In fact, Trystan, seeing as you’re dressed for it you can carry on helping me recover. Switch, the two of you.’ She felt ready to go again.

_Not just ready. Compelled._

Unwittingly, they had struck on the perfect solution. Hitting things was making the darkness go away. Lea just prayed it would last until the end of what would be a very long evening.

Trystan jumped over the railings and didn’t give Lea a chance to even blink with his first strike as she fell heavily backwards from the force of it. ‘Wakey wakey, Lea.’

With an effort that made her stomach growl in complaint and sent dots dancing in front of her eyes, Lea flipped backwards and swung her staff into his back. ‘Oh, I’m here. I’m just going easy because Cassandra will never forgive me if I ruin your looks for tonight.’ 

He laughed, easily dispelling one of her spells and nearly disarming her of her staff. ‘My word, you are not yourself today are you? Besides, I think your Seeker would find it adds to my charms to have a black eye and a few bruises rather than taking away from it.

‘So you haven’t had a chance to win her round to your side yet then?’ Cadan was lounging on the railings watching them both. ‘Keep your left elbow tight to your side, Lea. You’d let an army through that gap.’

‘We talk again. Which is a significant improvement on her running away from me.’ Trystan avoided Lea’s next attack with yet another close call to disarm her.

‘That does make a difference. Much more power. Oh Maker, don’t drain my mana today,’ Lea groaned, trying to avoid being sick at the sensation, before smacking her staff hard into his shield arm, sending it spinning away.

‘Of course it makes a difference. Listen to your twin more.’ Cadan returned her insult with a rude gesture of his own. ‘It’s not like you to shilly shally about these things, Trystan. Nor to have women running from you, entertaining though that is for the rest of us to see you in such a predicament.’

‘Cassandra is different,’ he replied firmly, pressing another punishing attack on his sister again with two hands gripping his sword. ‘Hard though this is for the two of you to understand, I am prepared to take the time to get things right. When we’re done in this infernal place, I have something planned at Skyhold. This time, she won’t run away.’

‘And Lea,’ he continued, his tone stern as his sword sent sparks flying off her staff ‘this is supposed to be a practice for the real thing. Do you think the tame Templars Vivienne has undoubtedly stashed away somewhere in the Winter Palace will go easy on you because you drank far more than you should have last night?’

‘I know – ow, shit!’ her staff went flying through the air as she spun away. ‘And don’t remind me of bloody Vivienne. I intend to kill her.’

‘Well you won’t even get close to it if you fight like that,’ Cadan’s criticism was harsh but she knew she deserved it. ‘These reports on who she has been meeting have me concerned.’

‘Hah!’ she crowed as she sent Trystan to the ground, face-down, before he immediately sprang up and made her have to practically run away. ‘Cullen’s on his way over, though. Let’s talk about it with him here. So, Josephine. Talk.’

She knew Cullen was almost there, but was too focused on trying to best her older brother for any other thought to have room. Which was just what she needed. Fear was an emotion she preferred to avoid.

‘What do you want me to say?’ He was deliberately avoiding the subject, but Lea was relieved to see the hint of a smile on his face.

‘Just that you’ve both put yourselves out of the misery that’s been plaguing you for five years,’ Trystan flinched as Lea finally caught him, dropping his sword. ‘And that the rest of us can have happier lives too as a result.’

‘She was pleased when I told her I burned the House of Repose contract.’ Cadan was smiling, Lea not having seen him so happy for a long time. ‘That was fun. I took great pleasure in demonstrating to their leaders where all their glaring gaps were in security – no, not a side strike at that angle, Lea. Undercut.’

‘If I don’t see you dancing with our Ambassador tonight, Lord Cadan, there will be trouble.’ She and Trystan were down to one weapon each now as she managed to generate enough mana to cast a slow spell. ‘And what’s with all the criticism today?’

‘Reverse grip attack next time, my lady, if you’re that close to your opponent. It’s more powerful and you don’t need to worry about speed so much.’ Cullen’s voice made her spin round in surprise. Trystan took full advantage of her delight at seeing him to grab her wrist and throw her against the rails.

‘Trystan, you can fuck off to the Veil! Shit!’ Winded, she leant forward, her hands on her knees, choking slightly.

‘Lea, I just told you earlier. You can’t get so easily distracted by Cullen of all people, especially not tonight.’ Trystan helped her back up. ‘What’s wrong with you? Normally you’re so focussed we can’t call you off.’

_Vulnerable. Weak. What the fuck is the blind spot I seem to have?_

‘Yes. You’re like a terrier at a rat normally, dear twin.’ Cadan chuckled at she glowered at him, wiping the stinging sweat from her eyes and gratefully accepting the water that Cullen offered her.

‘Thanks for comparing me to a dog, Cadan,’ she grumbled. ‘And to all of you for the continual critique of my supposedly under-par performance.’

‘You’re welcome,’ he replied blithely. ‘Others pay hundreds of gold for the advice you’re getting from all three of us completely for free. Besides, Cullen was right. It’s far less effort to stab someone in the back rather than flailing around for their kidneys at such an angle.’

‘When its staffs that we’re training with, then feel free to criticise.’ Trystan patted her on the back in mock sympathy. ‘Until then, suck it up. It’s for your own benefit.’

Lea looked imploringly at Cullen who was standing there, all golden and beautiful and completely disagreeing with her. ‘Your brothers are right. You weren’t concentrating. As you well know.’

‘Fine. I’m having an off day. And no, I can’t afford to be off colour right now, which is why I am here with three of the harshest teachers I have.’ She stretched, trying to remove all the aches that had appeared.

‘Can we talk about Vivienne now?’ Cadan had started to throw his daggers at a target. Lea knew he was worried about something.

‘She met with two people we have no information on. We identified one as a former supporter of hers. The other no one has any idea about.’ Trystan paused, looking deeply concerned. ‘I have literally only just heard this, and was waiting for us all to be together to tell you. The Templars left in the area reported some magical activity as recently as a week ago, but it was of a type that they had never seen before.’

‘What?’ Cullen asked sharply. ‘How is that even possible?’

‘I have no idea.’ Trystan’s frustration was evident. ‘Magic is magic. But the patterns were different. There’s no time to launch an investigation. All we can do is be more alert.’

‘It’s connected,’ Lea agreed, feeling a chill at the potential implications. ‘And there’s no time to talk to Solas about it – he and Sera will probably have left already to be smuggled into the palace.’

Her impatience to have this done and dusted was making her angry as she started to cast a sequence of her most powerful ice spells at the target next to Cadan’s, trying to focus herself. ‘Dorian can spot the weave of Venatori magic a mile away. They don’t differ from the magisters they learned from. I’ll ask him for some ideas. But what is this? Something to do with Vivienne or separate?’

‘All I know, Lea, is that you must be extra careful.’ Cadan stopped and chuckled at the ice statue Lea had created that looked remarkably like a woman. ‘Always creative with your spells, aren’t you?’

‘I try. There is art in warfare, after all.’ She walked up the lumps of ice, raising her staff and smashing down on it with as much strength as she could muster.

Idly, she watched the pieces fly into the air as frozen shards settled at her feet, the target completely destroyed. Her staff was in one hand as she twirled it around and around before suddenly shooting a torrent of lightening at the target on the opposite side of the ring.

‘Hmmm. Not enough.’ Her staff spinning still, focussed solely on the charred dummy, she was about to blast off another series of spells before Cullen stopped her.

‘Leaena, how about you take out some of that latent anger on me instead of someone else’s property?’ He was deliberately trying to distract her with the one thing that would halt her simmering fury from boiling over.

‘We’ll leave the two of you to it,’ Trystan said, obviously laughing at her. ‘We’re starving and you are nowhere near ready for later. Cullen is more than capable of knocking you into shape, Lea.’

\-----

It was still early morning on what looked set to be another beautiful day. The training ground was a way from the mansion and it was just her and Cullen out. The heat of the sun was already beating down on her, making her hangover worse as she felt rivulets of sweat trickle down between her breasts and down to her stomach. Longingly, she looked at the trees of the forest behind them, yearning for some shade.

Lea was still furious that her brothers had dragged her out of bed at an impossibly early hour to supposedly help cure her. Instead, in their usual fashion, they’d decided to poke fun and take full advantage of her somewhat fragile state.

She stood, hands on her hips as she scowled at the two of them sauntering back up to the mansion. ‘I love them, but they are impossible! You heard what Cadan said to me earlier?’

_There are some advantages though._

_And other, much more pleasurable, ways to cure a hangover. Like carrying on where we left off._

‘What was that, my lady?’ Cullen had come inside the ring and was just taking off his cloak and sword. ‘How about we go dual-wield only? I promise I’ll make it easy for you.’

‘The fucker compared me to a dog! And –‘ Her eyes narrowed as she spun round to face him, throwing her staff over to the side, all the while feeling her anticipation building. The kiss earlier had not been even remotely close to what she needed. And Cullen, with her on the training ground, never happened often enough for her liking.‘Easy for me?’

‘You are slacking today, Inquisitor.’ He wasted no time in taking full advantage of how unprepared Lea was to sweep a foot underneath her, sending her flat on her back. The rather delightful sensations she was getting from him, however, told her he had something else on his mind completely.

‘I’m not the only one it seems, Commander.’ She turned onto her front, threw her legs up and pushed back hard on his thighs to send him stumbling backwards in the unexpected move. ‘I’m wide awake now. Why don't I show you how it’s done?’

He gave her a slow smile that only made heat pool between her legs, as she fought to concentrate on the blades in his hands. ‘I’d like to see you try.’

Lea deflected one of his strikes with her forearm, knowing exactly why he’d picked this particular set of training exercises. They were as close together as they possibly could be, limbs regularly interlocking as their bodies were almost permanently in contact, each one trying to overcome the other. Her right arm was currently wrapped around his as she tried to force him to drop his weapon, her leg hooked behind his calf.

_Maker, I don't need anything else but this to get me wet!_

Certainly not when she couldn’t help but feel the strength from the tensed muscles in his arm and leg and see the fire in his amber-gold eyes. She took him completely by surprise as her lips landed on his, the leg that was wrapped around his pulling him right between her thighs as she pressed herself hard up against him. Lea had to prevent herself from grinding herself on his thigh like a shameless hussy - she could already feel the wetness around her lips and clit and was desperate for more.

The heady kiss lasted mere seconds, the heat of his mouth still on her tongue. She swiped Cullen's legs out from under him, making him land with a thump on the ground as she planted one boot on his chest. ‘That, Cullen, is how it’s done. Who’s the one not concentrating now?’

Narrowly avoiding his hand that went to grab her ankle, she danced out of the way, laughing at the grudging acknowledgement on his face. ‘True. Although I hope you’re not planning on trying that on anyone else but me.’

This time it was her that was suddenly on the receiving end of torment as one arm suddenly appeared around her neck holding her firmly, her backside firmly pushed up against his erection as Cullen’s other hand went straight between her legs over her trousers, caressing her clit. ‘What I was concentrating on was infinitely more interesting than training,’ he whispered, Lea almost forgetting to breathe as tremors rippled through her. 

‘I want to fuck you. Now,’ he growled in her ear. His fingers were beginning to rub harder against the folds and nub that were now completely slick, making her almost faint with desire and desperate to replace that hand with his cock.

Lea’s daggers fell out of her hands as she arched her back and moaned in unbridled pleasure, looking in front of her hazily to find somewhere more private. They were just at the edge of the circle, a line of trees right next to them. ‘Over there.’

With incredible difficulty, she took his hand and led him away, heedless of the weapons and gloves they’d left discarded in the middle. Lea didn’t even remember walking, her only focus being to feel Cullen inside her as soon as possible.

Before she realised it, he was kissing her as she fell backwards against a tree, his hands on her trousers as her fingers curled in his hair, kissing him frantically back. She needed to obliterate the memory of last night, her fears for the upcoming evening and that deep-seated darkness that still held her in its grip. And this was the best way to do it.

She was vaguely aware of it being dark and secluded, her trousers and pants down by her ankles and Cullen nudging her legs further apart with his knee. Two firm, cool fingers were then inside her, slipping in and out and making her gasp and shake as heat and fire shot up from her core throughout her body.

‘You’re so wet. Just how I like you. What have you been thinking of?’ He was leaning in closely, watching her face. His lazy smile was mixed with lust as he watched her intently, his fingers still excruciatingly slowly teasing that super sensitive point high inside of her as his thumb made lazy circles over her tingling clit.

She hadn't noticed but he'd managed to get her jacket open, his other hand sliding up underneath her vest to undo her bra and take her left breast in his hand. Another shuddering breath escaped her when he tugged gently on her nipple before rolling it lightly between his thumb and finger.

‘I’ve been wet for you since this morning, wanting you just like this.' Lea bit her lip, fairly sure there was the most wanton look blazing from her eyes. Especially given she was in a state of undress being fingered by the sexiest man alive, who just so happened to have his hand up her top fondling one of her breasts - all while they were up against a tree in the most exclusive part of Orlais. 'And thinking of your cock fucking me before I lick it clean for you.’

‘Is that so?’ he murmured, not moving although his hand disappeared. His smile just widened at her involuntarily cry of protest at the cessation of that pressure, only to be replaced by a loud moan she realised later was hers as he suddenly thrust his cock into her.

Her arms were wrapped around Cullen’s head as his hands went to her backside. He held her up slightly to get his cock deep between her warm folds as his hips started to move against hers. ‘Did you imagine me fucking you outside? Like this?’

She adored it when Cullen held her up against his hard, powerful body. Oblivious to the rough bark of the tree digging into her back, her arms held on tightly to his neck. The smell of him, sweat and woody and male, combined with how deep and gravelly his voice had gone in his want for her made Lea oblivious to anything but the waves of raw energy sweeping through her at an increasingly rapid rate.

Lea was getting wetter with every stroke he made even as pressure was building up from the intense blaze within her core. ‘It was either here or the Winter Palace,’ she managed to gasp out. ‘And I couldn’t – oh, you're so hard – big. I can’t last –‘. Her moans now accompanied every breath as flames burned from her belly, so near to coming already. Her legs were so close together she could feel her soft folds enveloping his length even firmer than normal, allowing her to feel every glorious inch of his thickness from a different angle.

‘Fuck those marriage proposals. You are mine,’ he ground out, his breath short as he moved faster, her muscles clenching hard around his cock. ‘Shit, you feel so tight –.‘

A wail of anguish then her lips as he withdrew from her. 'Why would you do that?' Lea almost cried, feeling bereft at the loss of him not being there.

'I'm just trying to oblige you, my lady.' Cullen's voice was strained with the effort of controlling himself. 'Of course, if you'd rather not -'.

Lea was already on her knees, not letting him finish his sentence. She allowed herself a second to admire his glistening length, covered in her juices before taking him fully in her mouth. The slightly salty tang of her own essence was all over him, from the engorged head right down to his pubic hair at the base.

He gave a loud hiss of sensual enjoyment as her tongue greedily worked its way up his shaft from base to tip. Hearing his reaction sent such a jolt of electricity through her she nearly lost all concentration. She moaned, feeling a shudder rack him when he leaned forward to support himself on the tree with his arms. 

Both balls were then in her mouth as she toyed lightly with the delicate skin surrounding them, letting her tongue roll around each one gently. Saliva now dripping from her chin, her lips wrapped around his cock once more, simply because it felt so damned incredible to feel its heat and how it throbbed every time she sucked him off.

By now, she had slid two fingers inside herself, her wrist moving in time with her mouth sliding up and down his shaft in an attempt to relieve some of the enormous amount of sexual tension that had built up inside her. 

'Leaena - are you playing with yourself? Maker, you gorgeous woman, come here.' Cullen pulled her up, his eyes burning dark gold as he licked her fingers clean. Grabbing her hips again, he thrust inside of her almost mindlessly as Lea dug her nails into the top of his back, whimpering at the indescribable bliss to feel his thick girth filling her completely again.

The wicked part in her still wanted to provoke Cullen more, to make him as blind with desire and out of control as she now was. ‘I love the way it sounds when you fuck me hard, Cullen. Can you hear it? That sound of my juices all over you as my clit hits the base of your cock?’ 

His response was purely physical, as he bit down on her neck, holding onto her ass hard and pumping his cock faster out of her hot, moist entrance, unable to speak as his breathing turned into groaning. Sweat was pouring from both of them now as she wrapped her legs tight around his waist, grinding her pelvis against his, matching the rhythm of his hips. The intense electricity infusing her now-swollen clit was begging for more and more attention as she rapidly reached her own climax.

The explosive sensations flooding through her blood bought her straight to a fierce orgasm. Lea cried out, shaking hard as her climax raged through her whilst her eyes closed, stars dancing in front of her eyelids. Cullen came just a second after with a long, low moan, holding onto her tightly as both of them shook with the power of their respective orgasms. He was leaning heavily up against her, Lea loving as she always did, the weight of a sated, satisfied Cullen on her, nuzzling her neck and absently trailing kisses on her skin.

It was lucky that the tree was there to support them both as they couldn’t move for a few minutes. She managed to eventually get her eyes open, surprised to see teeth marks in her wrist from where she’d stopped herself from screaming out her pleasure to to the whole estate.

There was that delicious ache between her legs from where they had been at their most intimate that completed her feeling of languid contentment. As he eased gently out of her, she made a grumble of complaint, her knees still slightly weak as his hands slid away. 

‘I like your idea of foreplay,' Cullen murmured, his hands now on either side of her head as he kissed her softly. 'You can pull me between your legs then knock me to the ground any time.' 

Lea slipped her hands underneath the waist of his trousers and shorts, wanting to feel the ass that she spent way too much time admiring at every given opportunity. 'I'm glad you approve. There's something about having you that close to me in combat that I find particularly invigorating.'

'Then let's not leave it too long next time. But I'm afraid right now, I need to get this princess back to the castle so she can go to the ball.' Lea couldn't help but giggle at his description of her as she arranged her pants and trousers, leaving her jacket open. She had been drenched in sweat now for around three hours and couldn't wait for a bath. 

'Urgh, I don’t want to go.’ Even to her, that sounded childish. But her instincts were screaming at her to avoid the Winter Palace at all costs that night. Even more than normal after the rather excellent sex she’d just had.

'Neither do I. Duty calls, however.' He grimaced at the thought of the evening ahead, checking to make sure they were both decent once more.

‘Are you really worried about marriage proposals?’ Lea asked as she recalled their brief conversation last night and his whispered words just now. She ran her fingers across his scar and lips, smiling slightly as he fought the ticklish sensation, allowing her to continue.

‘For me? Not at all. For you?’ Cullen looked away for a second, disconcerted. ‘I – well let’s just say it will be hard to watch you dance with other men tonight.’

‘Cullen, nothing will come between us.’ She smiled, filled with love for this honourable, brave man, her worries disappearing momentarily. ‘Especially not a few pompous Orlesian nobles. Do you think I like the thought of you in the arms of another woman?’

‘Well, that’s easy. I don’t intend on dancing.’ He took her hand, leading her back to the sparring ring to collect their belongings.

Lea noticed with relief that it was all still deserted outside as she put her daggers away and strapped her staff on. Not bothering to put her gloves back on, she waited for Cullen to finish up before taking his hand once more, holding it tightly as they headed back.

‘I forgot how much you hate it,’ she said lightly, lying through her teeth as a wave of disappointment hit her before she could stop him sensing it.

_Is it wrong for a girl to wish for one dance with her dashing knight?_

‘No you didn’t,’ he laughed at her, knowing full well what she’d meant. ‘But there will be duties for me to attend to. Like preventing an assassination. Making sure you’re protected. Dancing is not high on the agenda.’

‘I know,’ Lea agreed reluctantly. ‘This is work. It’s why we are all wearing what we are. Orlais won’t know what’s hit them when we arrive.’

‘On that note, why don’t you rest?’ Cullen suggested as they reached her suite. ‘It will take you hours to get ready so you’d better sleep now. I will ask for some food to be sent up to you.’

‘Do you have to go right now? You can bathe here. And we can go through Leliana’s reports together.’ Lea turned to him, overwhelmed with a feeling she couldn’t pin down. 

He felt it too. ‘Let me get those and some work and I’ll be along in a few minutes. You go and start relaxing.’

Lea went into her room, waving her hand at the bath as she stripped off her armour. Feeling a bit more reassured now she knew Cullen would be with her most of the afternoon, she looked through her messages quickly. There was nothing urgent she had to do aside from get ready.

\------

Her mind was now clear of alcohol, as was her body, the shadows still there, but serving as a reminder for her to be cautious and alert rather than dominating her thought process.

_And no bloodshot eyes either._

_Of course, earlier helped hugely._

It had been a lovely afternoon. Lea had spent it going through reports with Cullen and then falling asleep with her head in his lap, feeling relaxed and happy.

She had woken up to find him gone, her work all neatly stacked up on the side. She'd taken her time to bathe, then, knowing she wouldn't see him until he came to collect her.

Her skin had been pampered and her hair was now being dressed by the lady behind her, who was  making small exclamations every so often. At what, Lea had no idea but she was apparently one of the best in Halamshiral at what she did.

She would forgive a lot to ensure she made the right impression at the Winter Palace.

Her eyes ran over her makeup and accessories. Tonight would be as much a battle based on status and appearance, as well as combat. Looks and words would be everything.

A knock on her door took her by surprise as she pulled her ivory robe was closer.

‘Sacrebleu! Madame Inquisitor, I will get this. Please, do not move, I beg you.’ The woman rushed to the door in a state of high anxiety at having been interrupted at such a critical point. Or at least that was what Lea assumed.

‘Trystan,’ she smiled with pleasure as her brother walked in, still in the process of getting ready judging by his appearance.

‘I do hope you’re planning on wearing more than a bathrobe to the ball?’ He came to stand by her, out of the way of the dresser still pinning her hair up. ‘Although you’d certainly please more than a few people by appearing in a state of déshabillé.’

‘Oh very funny.’ She rolled her eyes at him, the only part of her she was allowed to move. ‘It’s always lovely to see you, but why are you here? Shouldn’t you be getting ready as well?’

‘I just have to get the jacket on. And I suppose I should brush my hair. Don’t fret, dear sister. I won’t be late,’ he promised.

‘You will look very well tonight.’ Lea shot him a sly glance. ‘I am sure Cassandra will approve too.’

‘Of course she will. I live to please her.’ He then looked at her hair, which had just been finished, complimenting the lady hovering anxiously behind her. ‘C’est formidable, madame - une création artistique.’

The woman fluttered and sighed as Trystan bestowed a charming smile on her, leaving Lea trying not to laugh at yet another conquest of her brother's.

‘Merci beacoup, madame. C’est parfait. Vous posséder un talent rare.’ She was most pleased.

It was far simpler than the style she’d worn to Vivienne’s, but more severe to match the tone she wanted to strike. Her hair sat in a secure, big bun on top of her head, separated with a small plait of hair around her crown, the strands at the front swept to the side and out of the way by two long, thin diamond clips.

With a smile, she dismissed the woman before turning to Trystan quizzically. ‘What are you hiding behind your – oh!’ 

He gave her a fond smile as he produced a black velvet case. ‘Mother thought you might like these. I bought them back with me from Ostwick. How she foresaw an occasion like this I will never know.’

Lea couldn’t say anything for a moment as she reached for the case and opened it, staring at the contents. A blaze of diamonds, catching the light of candles around her, glittered against the black velvet. ‘This is – thank you.’

She stood to give her brother a big hug, unable to express her gratitude. The jewels had been a present from her parents to her when she had passed her Harrowing, held at her family’s estate for when she needed them.

‘Anything for my sisters. It will be alright, Lea.’ He gave her a kiss on her cheek as he passed her a dagger before going to leave. ‘Here’s that blade I promised you. We are on schedule to depart in half an hour. Did your armour and weapons get sent ahead?’

She nodded. ‘Sera has them. It’s horrible that they’ve had to go in under the guise of elven servants but whatever will help our cause, I suppose.’

‘Good. I shall see you and Cullen at the Winter Palace.’ He disappeared out of the door, leaving Lea with the case in her hands, chewing her lip as she pushed back the sadness that had welled up. She missed her parents dreadfully. To have a part of her mother and father with her here too, in spirit if nothing else, comforted her somewhat.

Tonight, of all nights, it seemed appropriate to wear the gift that embodied all that she had become the moment she’d woken up whole in Ostwick’s Harrowing Chamber.

Leaving the case open, Lea sat down and quickly applied her makeup, taking extra special care. Cosmetics, and how she used them, were of significance in this contradictory empire. Making her eyes darker, and using rogue on her lips and cheeks, ensuring her lips were blood red, she was finally satisfied.

Slipping off the robe, she stood in front of the mirror, adjusting the holders that secured her stockings in place. Everything she had on was in black. Including the dagger holder that she buckled onto her upper thigh. Trystan had given her a smaller blade to carry. Lea tossed it in the air a couple of times to test the weight and balance, then slid it into place. It was lighter than her others, but of the best quality.

She was leaving nothing to chance tonight, not with Vivienne and the threat of assassination from every corner. Everyone was under orders to have a weapon hidden on them somewhere. The uniforms had been designed specifically with that allowance in mind.

‘Shoes,’ she murmured to herself, reaching for a pair of simple black silk shoes with a pointed toe, studded with diamonds up the very high, slim heel. Stepping into them and adjusting her gait rapidly, she went back to get her dress. She’d decided against robes. It was about making a statement, again. Besides, she could fight in either.

_Particularly this. It is a work of art._

The matte black silk and chiffon top slipped over her head as she delicately eased her arms through the long fluted sleeves. The neckline was high, cut in a straight line fitting her tightly to her waist. The full skirt was overlain by silk, with yards of black chiffon underneath falling to the floor. She rapidly did up the tiny buttons at the side then inspected herself from behind. The whole of her back was on display, the dress cut daringly low in a V to the base of her spine.

_Not an Orlesian hoop in sight!_

Lea’s lips curved in a delighted smile. She’d wanted dramatic, daring and so completely different no one else would ever forget the impact the Inquisition would have that night. With only one more thing left to do, she turned to the dresser, picking up the box from her parents. 

_But what have I become since then?_

It was the question plaguing her. For all Cullen had told her to ignore the Fade, there was a warning there, one she couldn’t afford to miss. Her fingers started to tremble as she took out the delicate bracelet, her nails dark-red against the white glow, managing to get it on before attaching the long earrings to each lobe.

_My weakness. And the Inquisition’s._

'I don't understand! What in Andraste's name have I missed!' Frustration and a hint of fear laced her voice as she spoke out loud to herself. 

Putting the offending accessory down, she looked at her dress again, her concerns forgotten momentarily. It was beautiful and light, fitted to perfection round her upper body and floaty at the bottom just as she liked.

She couldn’t resist picking up her skirts and swishing them around her legs as she did some pirouettes round the room, laughing with girlish pleasure as the material flowed out in rhythm to her movements.

‘Practicing for later?’

‘Oh!’ she exclaimed in surprise and not a little embarrassment. Lea had been so caught up in her increasing frustration and then behaving like a twelve year old, she hadn’t heard Cullen arrive. His room was so near hers sensing him made no difference.

All thoughts then vanished as Lea’s mouth fell open in undisguised admiration as she laid eyes on him.

_I’ve never seen him look like this before!_

_I’m not drooling am I? Maker, I’m close to it though._

She and her advisors had all argued for days over the Inquisition's formal uniform. Lea had, of course, won. The jacket, boots, trousers and gloves were all black. Silver braiding denoted his rank on the epaulets, with the rest of the jacket finished in silver trim and a deep red sash tied across his chest and waist.

She knew it would look good. She just hadn’t expected Cullen to look quite that magnificent.

‘You –‘ Lea froze completely, snapping her mouth shut belatedly with her hands still balled into her skirts. She was still unable to tear her eyes away, the adrenaline and nervous energy she’d had racing through her for days suddenly increasing tenfold.

‘Good evening, my lady.’ The intensity in Cullen’s amber-gold eyes only increased the closer he got to her.

His eyes flickered down momentarily to the necklace lying on the dresser. ‘Let me help you.’

Lea barely even noticed as he put his gloves to one side and he led her to the mirror. He gently laid it around her neck, his fingers ghosting across her collarbones as he adjusted it into place.

It wasn’t the cold stones making her shiver. Especially not when she remembered another night in front of another mirror, Cullen standing behind her, leading to one of the most intense sexual experiences of her life. That same light touch currently skimming down her back right now, combined with the impact of seeing him dressed up, was sending her senses haywire.

‘Thank you.’ She didn’t recognise the husky, breathless voice as hers.

‘You’re welcome.’ He placed his hands on her waist and turned her around to face him, giving a bow as he lifted her hand to his lips. ‘You look beautiful, Leaena.’

_I’m going to have a ball - one of my own. Just to see him like this again._

Lea felt like she was about to faint from sensual overload. She had never seen a man more devastatingly handsome than him. ‘Cullen – no man ever comes close to you, but especially not tonight. I don’t want to let those vultures near you.‘

‘And you think I want to let you out of this room with that dress on?’ His appreciative gaze couldn’t hide the hint of possessiveness that she could sense raging through him. ‘I would give an awful lot to just kiss you right now, but I’m afraid to ruin the utter perfection that is you. Your jewels are spectacular by the way. Where did you get them?'

Her hand reached up to touch the stones, now glittering like the ice-white fire of her magic, round her neck as memories assailed her. 'My parents, when I passed my Harrowing. They were so proud to have a mage in the family, so excited when my magic manifested. I don't know who was more thrilled that I beat that demon, them or me.' Her eyes misted over as she thought on them more. 'Their support, time and time again, has never faltered. Especially since Vivienne wrecked my life. I would not be where I am if not for them.'

'They obviously love you very much,' he replied quietly. 'We are both from close families. I've found that love comes through from them just when you need it most.'

Lea smiled at him, amazed how easily he could understand and read her. 'You are right. To wear this now, with what we will do this evening, means more to me than I realised.' 

'We are all with you. You aren't alone.' He returned her smile, that intensity still blazing and making her heartbeat erratic.

‘I know. I appreciate it very much. And we have to go now. Gaspard is waiting for me.’ she sighed after a pause, looking around for her cloak. ‘The sooner we do this, the sooner we go home. I’m holding onto that thought very hard tonight.’

‘Here, let me.’ Cullen draped a full-length black velvet cloak over her shoulders, doing it up for her. He pulled his gloves back on and opened the door, gesturing for her to go ahead first. ‘You are very beautiful. And very tall.’

Reluctantly, Lea headed out of her room, smiling as he placed one hand in the small of her back as she showed him her shoes. ‘I’m almost as tall as you now,’ she said teasingly.  

‘How have you hidden a dagger on you?’ Cullen was trying his very best to move things to a normal conversation.

‘It’s strapped to my thigh. Would you like to check and see?’ Her eyes were wide and innocent as he growled, surprising her completely by stopping and kissing her hard, something she returned enthusiastically.

‘I look forward to finding out for myself later, my lady.’ Her fingers wiped off the bit of rogue from his mouth rather too slowly as he gave a small grin. ‘Thank you for making my torment that little bit worse. Am I good?’

‘You are,’ she said with a laugh, feeling better about the upcoming evening once more as they arrived at the carriage. Everyone had gone on already. She didn’t want to arrive too early and look gauche. ‘Shall we go and indulge ourselves with a bit of the Great Game?’

He nodded and helped her in, waiting for her to smooth her skirts down before climbing in next to her. As they pulled off, Lea closed her eyes, madly focussing on the upcoming evening. Maybe if she couldn’t see Cullen her brain might cooperate and deal with the task ahead rather than stripping him of his clothes piece by piece.

‘I wish I’d had an opportunity to meet Gaspard before we went to the Palace,’ she mused, twisting the ring on her finger – the one thing she’d not dared take off since they’d had new ones given to them. ‘I have read those reports a hundred times and nothing makes sense out of any of this.’

‘Gaspard gains no matter who you side with tonight.' Cullen clarified. 'He is no lover of the Game from all accounts although he’s obviously a master. Remember, he’s a soldier first and foremost. We tend to be simple creatures.’

She opened her eyes, looking at him in disbelief. ‘You are anything but simple, Commander. Nor is Gaspard. Now that’s a chess game I’d like to sit and watch between the two of you.’

 ‘Life is but a game of chess at the end of the day, my lady.’ Cullen gave a dry laugh, as he took her hand, absently stroking it. ‘Celene is a bard. He’s a Chevalier. To use your own words, think about the different approaches they will take.’

‘Subterfuge versus direct action?’ Lea nodded, his touch relaxing her, as it always did. ‘I see what you mean. He follows a code of honour that Celene may not subscribe to. That’s interesting.’

‘Of the elf Briala I can say little. Except that she will, by all accounts do anything to save her people and that is her top priority. I suspect there is little love lost between her and Gaspard.’ He paused, his face becoming concerned. ‘I’m worried about Leliana and Trystan’s reports on Vivienne, Leaena.’

‘As am I.’ She looked out of the carriage window, the lights from the mansions flashing past faster than she liked. ‘But what can we do but wing it? There are enough of us to manage – and you and Trystan no less. Are there other Templars that you have arranged to be there?’

‘A few amongst our troops. They have been briefed.’ Just then he let go of her hand as the carriage arrived.

Pressing one more quick kiss to her lips, Cullen' fingers stroked her cheek lightly. ‘Here is where I must relinquish you for the night. I will be with you where I can. But please, Leaena – be careful.’  

‘You be careful too. I will come and keep you updated on our progress as often as I can,’ she promised, capturing his fingers and holding them tight for a second.

With no chance to say more, the door swung open, Cullen getting out and then helping Lea down, Inquisition troops escorting them both through the gates of the Winter Palace. Lea didn't have much time to look around, simply seeing size and beautiful gardens.

She recognised Gaspard immediately who was walking over to welcome her whilst Cullen waited just behind.

‘Inquisitor Trevelyan,’ he said with just the lightest of Orlesian accents, a mask covering the top half of his face. ‘It is an honour to meet you at last.’

‘The honour is mine, Grand Duke,’ Lea replied neutrally, a small smile on her lips. ‘Your fame as a Chevalier is renowned across Thedas.’

He inclined his head in acceptance of her compliment. ‘I hear reports coming out of the Western Approach that you battled an army of demons. Your humility does you credit, yet there are few who can lay claim to your achievements.’

‘Ah, but the mastermind for that was Commander Cullen.’ Lea gestured back to where he was standing, motioning for him to join her. If this was anything like their grand parade in Denerim, soldiers always wanted to talk to soldiers. ‘He led our armies to victory that day.’

She was right as she sensed Gaspard’s interest pique when he realised Cullen was there as well. ‘Indeed? I look forward to speaking with you later, Commander. There are a number of my men who would be fascinated to hear more from you.’

‘I look forward to it, Grand Duke. Your officers are welcome to come and speak with me at any time,’ Cullen replied with a small bow.

Gaspard then turned back to Lea, his arms spread expansively. ‘Imagine, what the Inquisition could accomplish with the full support of the rightful Emperor of Orlais.’

 ‘And which one was the rightful one again? I keep getting them confused.’ Lea allowed her smile to spread a little. It was apparent that the Grand Duke enjoyed wit and sarcasm.

‘The handsome, charming one of course, my lady,’ he replied with a bow and a quick grin. ‘So keep that image in mind. It may yet materialise by the end of the evening. I am not a man who forgets his friends, Inquisitor. You help me, I’ll help you.’

Lea sensed Cullen tense next to her, having spotted something in his words that she’d missed. There was no time for her to dwell on it, however, as he carried on, looking around the crowds with some distaste, gesturing for her to join him as he walked off.

‘Well, my lady, are you prepared to shock the court by walking into the Grand Ball with a hateful usurper? They will be telling stories of this into the next age.’ Gaspard’s tone was mocking and openly derisive of what lay ahead for them both.

Lea was amused, and interested in his words. He courted controversy, just as the Inquisition did. She rather liked Gaspard so far. ‘I can’t imagine that crowd has seen anything better than us in their entire lives,’ she tilted her head slightly, a deadpan expression on her face.

‘You’re a woman after my own heart, my Lady Trevelyan.’ His light tone changed with his next words. ‘Perhaps there is something you may help me with. I am concerned that the elf Briala will disrupt tonight’s negotiations. Her elves are everywhere.’

She sensed Cullen’s increasing unease, intent on replying as neutrally as possible. ‘We can certainly look into it.’

‘I detest the Game, but if we do not play it well, our enemies will make us look like villains.’ With a sigh, he looked up the stairs, offering Lea his arm. ‘We’re keeping the court waiting, Inquisitor. Shall we?’

‘With pleasure, Grand Duke.’ Laying one hand lightly on Gaspard’s arm, Lea glided forward through the doors of the Winter Palace, a bland, disinterested expression arranged on her face.

_So far, so good._

_So why is this sense of foreboding growing even stronger?_

Art by

[Gerry Arthur](http://gerryarthur.deviantart.com/)

_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think the Inquisition outfits at the Winter Palace ingame make them all look like Mounties with a dash of Prince William. Who are all awesome, but Lea prefers something far more formal than that! 
> 
> The uniform is taken from the amazing Red and Black Halamshiral Finery mod by Easorian on NexusMods. I nearly had a siezure when I first saw Cullen in it (and confess that I still do!).


	76. The Making of an Empire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Winter Palace is a big storyline. This was meant to be 1 but the usual happened.

Her left arm resting lightly on Gaspard’s sleeve, Lea glided serenely through the marble and gilt halls of the Winter Palace. She sent a prayer of thanks to her long-suffering deportment master for teaching her all the various nuances of social etiquette – the least of which was walking silently.  Gaspard had entertained her with light social patter which Lea could navigate in her sleep, enabling her to concentrate on what needed to be achieved.

Cullen and Trystan were following just behind her – both of them insisting she had at least two, if not more, Templars nearby as much as was feasible. To feel Cullen’s protective presence, as well as having her brother to watch over her once more, gave her a calm confidence like nothing else could.

The swirl of muted chatter had abounded as the four of them made their way through the crowds. She had been hard pressed to not laugh at the whispers, especially when she sensed Cullen flipping between embarrassment, amusement and outrage at just how direct the comments were. Trystan, she knew, would be finding the whole thing hilarious.

Predominantly, they had been of admiration and some even bordering on outright lasciviousness. The women in particular were ranging from swooning to envy, right up to full-blown jealousy. Although everyone spoke in the Common Tongue, many guests were lapsing into Orlesian if they didn’t wish to be understood by interlopers such as herself.

_Just like this. Oh Andraste, please save me from my mirth!_

All of the Trevelyans spoke fluent Orlesian. Conveniently for them, not so much so for the rest of the gossips, oblivious to the fact that every word was being understood by the brother and sister steadily making their way through the crowd.

‘Elle est une putain, mama! What woman of modesty wears a dress like that? Mon Dieu, do you think she’s Gaspard’s latest mistress?’ A sour-mouthed young woman was bitching away to her equally plain and insipid mama.

It had been a while since Lea had heard such naked jealousy. It was almost like being back in the Circle again.

‘Non, ma petite, Gaspard prefers his mistresses to be far more mature then that silly young miss. Why the stories I could tell you!’ The mother’s eyes had fixed on Cullen with quite a blatant invitation in them as she shushed her daughter to silence.

‘Maker’s Breath!’ Cullen choked out in horror, just as Gaspard and Trystan both suppressed snorts of laughter. How they managed to keep a straight face at that exchange Lea would forever wonder. It was just indicative of the comments they would get for the rest of the evening.

Her expression of slight ennui hadn’t slipped. It hid the racing thoughts of her mind as she positioned the different players involved in tonight’s ball. She knew about Celene, Gaspard and Briala. That would resolve itself later in the night. Lea was, however, curious to meet Morrigan and establish what her agenda was at the Imperial court. She didn’t think the woman meant any harm – Alistair and Leliana would have been clear on that score – but the why was eluding her.

_And Vivienne._

The foreboding grew, the darkness in her intensifying. Lea couldn’t allow a flicker of emotion to show. She was aggravated that they had found out so little about Madame de Fer’s movements. Nor, based on the little information she did have, could Lea understand what truly had been put into play until she spoke to another mage to share ideas.

The Inquisition representatives were lined up waiting to enter the ballroom as she and Gaspard arrived. She inclined her head to them all, secretly bursting with pride and admiration at just how superb everyone looked, not to mention how far they had all come since those early days at Haven.

The casual observer could make what they would of the stark black Lea had selected. It was a bold move for a ball where there would be a riot of colours, which was exactly the point. She wanted the Inquisition to stand out and be seen. And, if some used the words intimidating and threatening? Lea could quite happily live with that as well.

It mattered not to her. That the crowd had nothing else on their lips but the Inquisition was a good start. She would emerge victorious this evening and the Inquisition would be taken seriously by the Orlesian Empire and its eventual ruler. Of that Lea was determined.  

Huge bronze doors were thrown open before them, leading into the main ballroom where all the highest ranking nobles had gathered to observe the new arrivals. Lea stomped down on the anxiety she had. Now was not the time to show any weakness.

‘Let’s give them the show they’ve been waiting for, my lady,’ Gaspard murmured mockingly next to her.

‘The upstart Inquisitor and the usurper to the throne? I can’t wait to see the reaction.’ Lea just managed to keep her expression impassive as Gaspard gave the ghost of a laugh, both of them moving sedately into the ballroom as the Master of Ceremonies announced their arrival.

_We meet at last._

Lea sank gracefully into a deep curtesy before rising to see Celene give her a bow. Dressed in an exquisite ballgown in Valmont blue, the Empress’ delicate beauty was startlingly fair in contrast to her cousin’s dark handsomeness. They did not look at all alike. Lea was also surprised to see that Celene was as pale as she was, not something she’d appreciated fully from the portraits.

She vaguely heard her various titles being announced, mostly inflated as she walked slowly across the ballroom dance floor. She then had to battle to keep a straight face as she saw the various looks of the collected nobles, ranging from disdain to shock to ill-disguised curiosity.

‘Did you see their faces!’ Gaspard whispered to her in unfettered glee ‘Priceless!’ Lea couldn’t disagree with him. The Grand Duke clearly enjoyed the stir they had managed to create, as had she.

The titles of her advisors and then her companions filtered over her, although she inwardly giggled when Cassandra’s irritated voice cut through the numerous names. Only a princess could get away with behaviour like that.

Lea was highly surprised when Gaspard interrupted Celene’s greetings, and more than a little impressed. Cullen’s astute assessment had been on the mark, as ever. The Grand Duke was a man who simply wanted to get on with things and had little patience with the machinations of court. With an extravagant bow to his cousin, he left Lea on the dais.

_Gaspard’s sister didn’t know we were coming? They are supposed to be as close as I am to my siblings._

_Nor did I like her tone. At all._

After exchanging mundane pleasantries, comparing the Winter Palace and each other to the sun, moon, stars and other such banalities, she gave Celene a curtsey as she took her leave of the impeccably polite Empress. With great relief, she was finally free to roam around the ballroom and reception areas.

Sweeping up the stairs, Lea gestured for Leliana and Josephine to join her as she headed outside. ‘What’s the latest?’ she asked softly, accepting a glass of champagne from a waiter to steady her racing pulse.

Leliana had frowned at the man’s departing back. ‘There are many disgruntled looking elves here tonight. That servant was positively surly. We must find out why.’

‘Solas and Sera are here and in the garden with Dorian,’ Josephine added furtively. ‘Your equipment has been stashed in a safe place in the basement. Sera can retrieve it for you when you need it. But will that beautiful dress not get damaged?’

‘Well done, Josephine, and on getting us in.’ Lea smiled in gratitude at her hard-working Ambassador. ‘It’s easy enough for me to get on and off.’

With determination, she set her wine glass down. ‘I am going to have a look around. I’ll let you know if I find anything. Including about the elves.’

Lea drifted through the crowds, intent on hunting down the evidence she needed. Not just for the Inquisition, but herself. Tonight would see the end of a great deal.

\-------

She distantly registered the creamy walls and huge gilt mirrors hanging around the vestibule as she joined the crowd again. The information in the library hinted at something that was making her head hurt with the implications, but there was not enough. It was time for them to widen their search.

Sera was working on getting them into the servant’s quarters and Leliana into the Royal Apartments. Dorian and Solas were aware of the magic issue – Solas suggesting it might have been a malevolent spirit. And if that was the case, she knew exactly who to blame.

Varric and Sera both had tabs on Vivienne’s movements. He’d just told her that she was now in the ballroom. Her next destination. She needed to talk to Cullen again as well, wanting to know what in Gaspard’s words had made him wary.

As the doors opened, she saw the one person she had been looking out for directly in front of her. Vivienne was in some garish blue outfit with far too much on display, standing having a hushed conversation with Florianne, the Duchess of Lydes. Icebergs were warmer than the looks both women gave her.

_Oh, I’m coming to get you Vivienne, don’t you worry._

_But Orlais has to have a ruler first._

‘Vivienne, Grand Duchess.’ Lea dropped a perfect curtsey, a tad too shallow for the deference due to a member of the royal family. ‘Congratulations on throwing such an extravagant affair.’

Florianne’s eyes narrowed, well aware that was a deliberate slight on her part. ‘You are too kind, Inquisitor.’

Her arrogant face developed the expression Lea knew all too well – that she and her noble line were beneath an Orlesian’s notice. ‘I am only sorry we are unable to entertain you in the style you are accustomed to in Ostwick.’

‘Cheese, dearest Florianne. Did you not order any?’ Vivienne’s eyes were mocking and her overconfidence evident in her scathing disdain. ‘It’s quite the thing in Ostwick. A staple at any major event. They race them in rounds the size of small wagon wheels.’

_Hey! That’s fun!_

‘Such an interesting suggestion, Madame de Fer,’ Florianne drawled, looking bored of Lea already. ‘It might have been something you understand a bit better, Inquisitor. I hope you do not find yourself too out of your depth.’

With a languid wave of her hand, she move off. ‘You will excuse me. I must attend to the Empress.’

‘I’m amazed you made it through the front door, Inquisitor.’ Vivienne dropped all pretence of polite manners now they were alone, her voice just low and venomous enough for no one to hear. ‘You still clearly display an astonishing lack of foresight and intelligence based on your recent activities.’

‘I’m amazed to find that you are still this interested in me, even after all these years. Are you pining after a life that was never yours to begin with? Your obsession with mine is really rather bizarre.’ Lea refused to show the other mage even a hint of concern.

‘Such snapping, for a fish without teeth!’ Her overbearing condensation was leaving Lea hard pushed to not strangle her there and then. ‘You like to pretend that you have all the power in Thedas but you don’t, do you darling? And everyone in this room knows it.’

Her patience was wearing very thin in Lea’s frustration to finish things between them. ‘Then we are not so different, you and I. Why, here you are, wearing fancy clothes, convincing people you’re such an all-powerful mage. And we both know that to be far from the truth.’

Lea took a step forward, practically snarling in Vivienne’s face as her words dripped with sarcasm. ‘And what a result for you, dear Vivienne. A position as the court Jester, whoring yourself out to anyone who’d have you in the desperate hope that no one realises what a fraud you are! What a shining example you set to us all!’

Vivienne’s lips thinned in fury. It was only their location that prevented her from striking Lea as she turned on her heel to leave. ‘You know nothing, you silly little girl! You parade your biggest weaknesses right before us all, and you are too blind to see it. I look forward to finishing the job I started thirteen years ago!’

It was only a miracle that no one seemed to notice that brief exchange. Apart from Cullen, who had felt every single iota of her increasing anger. She didn’t need to wonder if he had been watching, letting her temper cool a little before making her way over to him. Vivienne and Florianne were now on the ballroom dance floor, spinning round in an intricate dance.

Ignoring the rising darkness again at Vivienne’s mention of her weaknesses, she walked slowly to where she saw Cullen standing next to an ornate window. Her mood improved when she noticed, with some amusement, how he was surrounded by admirers.

_Just seeing him makes me feel so much better._

He was far and away the most handsome man in the whole of the Winter Palace by some considerable distance, even taking into account her own, not insignificant, personal bias. Her eyes roamed with indescribable pleasure over his face and body again, taking full advantage of the rare opportunity to see him in this guise - and observe him from a distance.

The tailoring on the jacket was cut to perfection, showing off Cullen’s muscular arms, broad shoulders and chest before tapering down gradually over the lines of his flat stomach and hips. The definition of his powerful thighs was clearly visible, stretching slightly over the fabric on the trousers as he shifted whilst standing.

He’d shaven, the skin soft on her lips as she remembered the intoxicating kiss they’d shared before leaving, whilst all she wanted to do was let her tongue flicker over the firm lines of his jaw. The stark black of his formal attire set off his colouring perfectly, his amber-gold eyes made a shade darker.

Appreciating him from this far away reminded her how his strength of character shone through in his every move and every gesture. It was all of Cullen that made him so irresistible - and special - the man inside and out combined.

The question of his overwhelming and continual appeal was a conversation Lea had with herself on a regular basis. Her answer never, ever changed.

 _Be honest Lea, it isn’t just the Winter Palace – Cullen is the best-looking man you’ll ever know. Nothing is going to change that in a million lifetimes._  

As she got closer, feeling much happier once more with a warm glow suffusing her, she could hear snatches of the conversation and his increasingly strained replies. His lyrium had snaked out towards her magic, letting her know how much he wanted to be rescued.

She had nearly reached him by now, listening with half an ear to the chatter as she ran through some of the immediate problems in her mind.

‘Can I get you a drink, Commander Cullen?’

_Vivienne has an interesting choice in dance partners. Playing both sides – but who is the other side? Gaspard is a little too obvious._

‘No, thank you.’ Polite but curt. It still didn’t deter the men and women buzzing around her beleaguered and increasingly desperate Commander.

_Perhaps Cullen could sound out Gaspard for me some more?_

‘Are you married, Commander?’ The overly plummy tones of an Orlesian lord pierced her concentration.

‘Not yet, but I am already – taken.’ Cullen’s warm toffee-whiskey voice drifted sensuously through her as it always did, the words floating lazily round her mind.

_It might work. The Grand Duke seemed interested in -_

_…..not yet…..what?!_

She stopped in her tracks, stunned, staring at him, completely forgetting momentarily where she was. Lea, already pleasantly distracted just from the physical impact he was having on her, was now doubly so as a result of what she’d just listened to.

It was the ‘not yet’ part that had her reeling.

_He doesn’t realise that I heard._

She had felt the depth of his sincerity and the warmth of hope for the future ripple right through Cullen’s lyrium when he’d spoken. He wasn’t surprised by the question. He meant everything he said.

_Cullen wants to marry me?_

Lea had never considered marriage. Mages didn’t. It was a life that had always been closed to her. She never allowed herself to dwell on a dream that would never be realised. Her heartache would be less that way. Particularly with a Templar - the chances of a wedding in those circumstances was non-existent.

But now, they both lived in a whole new world. Neither of them were the Templar or Circle Mage fitting into the pre-cast moulds and restrictions of their old lives any more. They had a choice, and there were possibilities open to them both that Lea had never imagined could apply to her until that point.

Her heart was doing somersaults in her chest as she balled her hands into fists, hidden inside her skirts as she tried to calm the ricochet of emotions firing through her.

She schooled her face with some difficulty, forcibly reminding herself that the future so tantalisingly revealed to her in that second would never come to pass if she did nothing but gawp at Cullen all night long. Lea took a deep breath, cutting a path through his admirers to get to his side.

\------

To say that Cullen was having a challenging evening was an understatement. On a number of fronts. Not the least because he had a pulsating headache right at the front of his head that had begun the moment he’d set foot in the place.

It wasn’t glittering chandeliers, the rustling silks or the rainbow hue of colours he saw when he scanned the lavishly decorate ballroom. Instead, multiple threats, both hidden and overt, were revealed in every languid wave of the hand and in every simpering insincerity.

Especially the one mage now waltzing around the dancefloor with a superior, knowing smile on her face that was making his fist burn to punch it off. And, for once, his Inquisitor wouldn’t disapprove of his less than diplomatic solution to a problem that had plagued them for far too long - if the conversation he’d witnessed her having earlier was anything to go by.

Cullen had spent his entire life as a Templar watching, looking for those minute clues that denoted a change. He’d spent weeks – months – silently observing mages. And what he had just witnessed in this short exchange between those two whirling round the floor had turned his blood to ice.

‘Can I get you a drink, Commander Cullen?’

It was his job to look for these things, now so glaringly obvious. And, all this time, he had missed it. If it wasn’t for the fact that they still needed to uncover more about the two-headed snake currently undulating on the ballroom floor, he would have killed her on the spot. And Vivienne knew it, her smile becoming increasingly satisfied with every second that passed.

‘No, thank you.’ The annoying whine in his ear was dismissed once more.

He’d be a poor Commander if he couldn’t recognise the steadily increasing number of Chevaliers and mercenaries in the crowd of people, confirming what he’d suspected. What Gaspard could be up to was as anyone’s guess, but it was no worse than the Inquisition was doing – and perhaps for the same reason. Even now, he could see that some of their soldiers had started to arrive, specially picked to blend in neutrally with the crowd.

At least he could sense Leaena, and knew she was safe. Something had happened to send her into a simmering fury, but she felt calmer now, making her way steadily towards him. It was one comfort to Cullen, to know where she was and what she was feeling.

He saw her leave the corner where she’d argued with Vivienne, the crowd parting before her as she glided through the masses with the grace of a swan. That daring black dress of hers was clinging to every curve and elegant line of her body, leaving just the right amount to his imagination.

There were no words to describe the emotions he’d felt upon finding Leaena, dancing round her room like the carefree young woman she had been denied the privilege of being, all while looking more beautiful than Cullen had ever seen her.

_I fell even more in love, yet again._

Mindful that he couldn’t put her, or the Inquisition, in an awkward position by doing nothing but staring in adoration at her all night long, he adjusted his gloves slightly before standing impassively, his arms folded once more.

All Cullen felt now as Leaena walked towards him was his stomach tighten and his breathing quicken as bolts of electricity sparked continually through his heart, his lips curving slightly just knowing she was near.

Another aggravating Orlesian accent started to bleat near him. ‘Are you married, Commander?’

He was doing his very best to not scowl and growl at every single simpering noble that approached him with another inane statement that he barely listened to.

‘Not yet. But I am already – taken.’

The answer to that question was easy. He’d thought about it for months. With no ties to the Order any more, he could do what he pleased. And it would please him beyond reckoning to make Leaena his wife.

A ring and a Chantry ceremony would never change the depth and strength of what existed between the two of them. Nonetheless, Cullen wanted to make that lifelong commitment to her publicly, in front of their friends and loved ones. When the time was right, soon, he would ask her.

‘So still single then.’ The difficulty he was having keeping a neutral expression intensified tenfold at that comment.

A mercifully accent-less voice, typical of a Marcher noble, cut through the thick dialects around him and immediately diffused his increasing ire.

‘Not enjoying the attention, Commander?’ Leaena blithely ignored the snide comments from his unwanted admirers. ‘Who are all these people?’

He looked at her with a slight frown, wanting to know what had her emotions in such turmoil but sensing she wanted to focus on their current problems.

‘I don’t know,’ he snapped with no little irritation, ‘but they won’t leave me alone. The headache I’ve got is preferable to the company.’

‘I’m crushed,’ she murmured idly, her eyes not leaving Vivienne and Florianne on the ballroom floor. ‘Should I take myself off somewhere else?’

‘No! I don’t mean –‘. Cullen felt himself flush, giving her a rueful smile when he realised she was teasing him. ‘Be kind to me, Inquisitor. The type of fights we face in this particular battleground are not my area of expertise.’

‘On the contrary, you seem to be doing rather well for yourself.’ Her eyes swept over the hovering nobles with some interest, both of them knowing Leliana would already have made a note of who they all were. ‘This is quite the crowd.’

‘The only attention I’m interested in having is yours, my lady – and you know it.’ His voice had dropped to barely a whisper, enjoying seeing a hint of red stain her ivory cheeks.

For the first time since they arrived at the Winter Palace, she allowed a proper smile to appear on her dark red lips which made him a little bit less worried for her. The dramatic look she’d gone for suited her, except he still preferred her just as Leaena. Like earlier, in the forest, in his arms -

_Maker’s Breath, now is not the time!_

‘It would give me no greater pleasure than to stand here with you all evening, Cullen, but sadly we have business to conclude first before I indulge myself.’ Her eyes were still fixed on Vivienne. ‘I am heading into the servants quarters now with Sera, Cassandra and Solas. There is something you can do for me, if you don’t mind.’

‘Always.’ Finally, something he could do proactively aside from stand here and fantasise about Leaena in what had to be the most situationally inappropriate place possible.

‘Sound out Gaspard further for me? I’d value your opinion and you both have plenty in common. And you’re from Ferelden.’ A slight gesture of her hands was the only outward sign Leaena gave of being agitated. ‘No matter who we side with, one of them wants to swallow up your home through marriage or another back-door means, and the other with armies. Neither is an option.’

Cullen knew exactly what she was hinting at. ‘Gaspard fought against Ferelden in the war. I understand you concerns and I will find out more. He’s sending Chevaliers and mercenaries in here, by the way.’

‘Really?’ She was hard pressed to hide her surprise and interest. ‘For what purpose?’

‘He probably thinks the peace talks will fail. Someone has to reign supreme tonight and I presume he wants to make sure it is him. This is for his own safety, just as we have done.’ Her orange blossom scent and her quiet, musical voice were doing wonders to remove his headache.

‘If you think there is nothing to worry about then that is good enough for me. Vivienne is looking supremely confident isn’t she?’ Leaena observed, her eyes glittering. ‘There is something hinting at more than just double-dealing. Can you check for me again the lyrium supply that we discussed with Cadan all those weeks ago?’

He stared at her, astonished. ‘But we checked it and there was nothing untoward in Ferelden. He’s off skulking with Varric somewhere. I’ll look into it.’

‘This is the woman who managed to make exact copies of our rings and seals, Cullen. I can’t put anything past her. But this time, she’s overstepped herself. Quite spectacularly.’ His Inquisitor very rarely sounded so cold and ruthless. It was easy for him to forget that side of her existed. And he couldn’t blame her for what she had in mind next.

‘Trystan has everything arranged as you requested. We will move on your order.’ Cullen’s eyes drifted to the other side of the ballroom.

The other Templar had attracted a crowd almost as large as his, but seemed to be handling it far better. His eyes, however, were watchful, scanning the room.

‘Good – there's not long to wait now. Let’s go. I’ll protect you for once.’ They walked off, her sapphire eyes dancing with laughter as they both heard the grumbles of complaints now left, much to his relief, behind.

‘Yes please. I need it. Andraste preserve me, this is the most uncomfortable situation I have found myself in for some time!’ Finally, he coaxed a laugh from her, not caring that it was at his expense.

He’d do anything to stem the sometimes inexorable tide of dread that regularly consumed her these days. It had been impossible for him not to sense the encroaching darkness that seemed to pervade every corner of her magic at times. She was trying, but she couldn’t hide from him.

Leaena had been drinking more and more, the nightmares waking her now nightly even when she drank to excess. The screaming, shivers and sweating were extreme, no matter how much he tried to calm her down. Twice he’d had to Silence her as her magic rose up before he could get her awake. She’d forbidden him to tell anyone else how bad it was.

_And every time, the nightmares Samson traps her in are based on me._

_I will find him and end the madness for her. Very soon._

Something was hunting her in her mind and she refused to deal with it until they were done in Orlais. Yesterday it had hit its peak, triggering the drinking session she’d felt was the only option left to her. And, even as they entered the Winter Palace, he’d felt the blackness rise up again.

Cullen had no idea how to fight it, feeling totally helpless. All he could do was be there for her. And pray that would be enough.

\------

Years later, Lea would look back at her words and actions on this fateful evening, wondering if she could have done anything differently to prevent the chain reaction of events that arose as a direct result of her decisions.

But right now, in the heat of the moment and with the information she had, she just wanted to put her plan into place and get the Inquisition out of Orlais as fast as possible.

With a blinding green flash, she sealed the rift, seeing Cassandra freeing Gaspard’s mercenary captain. ‘Leave him,’ she called as she started to run back towards the ballroom, Varric and Dorian following her. ‘We need to get back inside. Come on!’

The four of them were going as fast as they could in pursuit of Florianne, who had revealed herself for the treacherous, lunatic Venatori agent she was. Quickly, they despatched of the remaining agents in their way.

‘Lea,’ Dorian called to her as they made their way through more apartments in their race to get back to the hall in time. ‘In here – you should see this.’

The documents, trinkets and confessions that the Inquisition had uncovered that night, revealing the depth of corruption and self-interest of Orlais’ rulers, were mind boggling. Wordlessly, she read the final damning piece of evidence that helped her make up her mind.

‘That fucking meddling elf,’ she shouted furiously once she was finished with the record, her voice rising rapidly the more she realised how long her privacy had been invaded for. ‘Spying on me all these years? In my fucking quarters in Denerim? She’s hardly a saviour of her people! Briala is manipulating them for her own gain, just as much as she is the Empress herself!’

Distantly, she felt Cullen’s own anger too at something he’d discovered – almost as strong as hers – just as he could sense the sheer fury burning through her, white fire blazing in her eyes.

_They die. We are done here._

Lea didn’t stop to speak to her companions, who knew better than to talk to her in this kind of mood. She increased the pace as she blasted through their enemies, the green flames of her rift magic shooting from her left hand at anyone who got in her way. Her decision on the final course of action was clear in her head. She just wanted to reach the ballroom. 

After what felt like an age, they finally made it back to where their finery was stashed. They all changed silently in minutes, time that Lea felt slipping away as she slipped her shoes on.

She stalked back into the ballroom, openly motioning for Cullen, Josephine and Leliana to join her, the need for the Inquisition to hide behind its mask now done. Florianne was on the other side of the room, conversing with Gaspard. They could still do it.

‘Did you locate Morrigan, Leliana?’ Lea’s eyes were searching for the Empress and Vivienne.

‘I did. She will speak to you after you are finished here. What have you found, Lea?’ It would have taken a blind person not to guess at Lea’s current mood.

‘In a moment. Cullen, are our troops in place?’ At his nod, she scanned the room again. ‘Where are they both?’

He didn’t need to ask who she meant. ‘Celene is about to give a speech. Vivienne was here just a moment ago.’

 ‘Vivienne can wait. If she has half a brain she’ll be running for the Anderfels as fast as she can. There is nowhere in Thedas that she can hide from me now.’

The icy fire at the centre of her magic was now blisteringly hot as two of her three advisors watched her with varying degrees of alarm, the other one in a dark rage of his own. ‘Florianne is our Venatori. She plans to assassinate the Empress in oh, I’d say, around two minutes, and pin it on Gaspard, who knows nothing.’

‘But we must save Celene!’ Josephine turned to look across the room in horror. ‘She is all for peace. That is what we have come here to do!’

‘Have we?’ Lea was standing with her arms folded, staring directly at Florianne and Celene with an unforgiving expression on her face.

‘What does it matter? What we need is stability and armies. Nothing else. Either one of them can offer that.’ Cullen’s agreement with her was unequivocal, making Lea curious to know what he’d found out.

‘I agree,’ Leliana seconded. ‘We just need one of them. And to have too many alive will just lead to chaos all over again.’

‘Whilst that might work in other nations’ favour, we need a strong Orlais. One of those three will survive tonight. And it is up to us to make sure the right one lives.’ Lea ended the conversation as she started to walk forward, making sure she could reach her dagger.

She allowed herself one quick look and smile at Cullen, the red-white mist of her anger tinged by the warmth of his pride in her. ‘The Grand Duchess will try to run. Make sure it doesn’t happen. The Inquisition’s justice will be served tonight by my own hand.’

‘Yes, Inquisitor.’ His voice was controlled as it always was, but vibrating still with his understanding of what was to happen and his approval and full support of her decision. ‘We must speak immediately afterwards though. Now, what did you uncover?’

So much time had been wasted, so many people hurt or dead because of the whims of a couple of power-hungry, insecure Orlesians, one who stole a throne that was never meant for her in the first place.

‘We found enough evidence to sink Celene and Briala a hundred times over. You were right, Leliana. We were a threat. All of it, the theft, the letters, the assassinations, sanctioned by Celene. Better no Inquisition than a nationless army roaming the world ready to invade at a moment’s notice.’ She looked at the three of them silently for a moment, struggling to control her emotions.

‘As for Briala –‘. She nearly lost it then, feeling her magic surge almost out of control, Cullen rapidly reaching out to soothe her. ‘She and Vivienne colluded to have spies follow me. For years. That ends tonight, I am pleased to say. The elves are better off without her for a champion. The Inquisition will find another way to assist them.’

Her eyes flicked across to Gaspard. ‘The Grand Duke is no saint. But he is honest and up-front about his ambitions and strong enough to manage his nobles. I will ensure there is peace with Ferelden. Let him point his armies towards Tevinter, where the real challenge lies.’

Lea nodded as she saw her Ambassador wringing her hands still, looking anxious at the potential outcomes. ‘You can negotiate the peace deals, Josephine. Never say I don’t give you anything fun to do.’

‘Well, yes,’ Josephine’s anxiety was clear. ‘But Lea, how are you going to put Gaspard on the throne?’

Her eyes were pure ice as she focussed on the blue figure now standing at the dais.

‘By watching an Empress die.’


	77. Choices

They were running, heedless of the wails and cries for help, trying to reach her on time before she escaped. The Grand Duchess was cutting a swathe through all the troops trying to stop her, however, taunting the Inquisition and Gaspard alike as she ran out to the balcony and over the edge.

He was a moment too late as gates slammed up in front of him. Cullen saw Leaena kicking off her shoes as her Spirit Bade appeared, all whilst she vaulted over the side of the balcony in a cloud of black skirts to chase after Florianne, a blast of ice streaming from her hand. Dorian, Cassandra and Sera were, thank the Maker, right behind her and intent on nothing but killing Corypheus’ handmaiden.

‘Sort it out in there, Cullen! And protect Gaspard at all costs!’ he just heard her shout before disappearing into the shadows of the garden with her companions.

He turned back inside, drawing his daggers hidden in his boots and searching urgently for Trystan and the Grand Duke amidst the chaos of the fighting and screaming. Celene’s dead body lay in the middle of the dais right where Florianne had murdered her. What had been the epitome of a fashionable, extravagant evening of dancing and entertainment had turned into complete carnage.

He spotted Gaspard first, fighting off two Venatori agents with relative ease, although he seemed to be tiring. ‘Grand Duke!’ One opponent fell immediately as Cullen’s dagger flew directly into the back of the assassin’s skull, just as the point of Gaspard’s sword sliced open the side of another, guts pouring onto the already blood-stained floor.

‘Commander Cullen.’ Gaspard greeted him urbanely, as if they were at an afternoon picnic. ‘I thank you for your assistance. This is a somewhat unfortunate affair.’

‘You could call it that, yes,’ Cullen agreed dryly. He wished he had a chance to retrieve his own sword as he blocked another blade, hearing the breaking of bones as he snapped the fanatic’s neck distractedly, more focussed on what was happening across the whole ballroom.

‘Maker, they are a pestilence,’ he muttered in irritation. Things were as under control as they could be. Inquisition forces had combined with the palace guard and Gaspard’s own men, yet still the Venatori came at them.

‘Nothing like a bracing fight to liven up a ball though, Cullen,’ Trystan called cheerfully, having fought his way over. Cullen caught the sword he’d tossed to him. It wasn’t a moment too soon as he had to immediately parry another attacking thrust.

‘Quite right, Lord Trevelyan,’ Gaspard agreed with some relish as they took on several more assassins. ‘It is always bit challenging for the ladies – let me amend that. For any ladies apart from your two, it would seem. Has the Inquisitor really gone to challenge Florianne in her ball gown?’

Despite everything they had just witnessed, Cullen couldn’t help but smile at the image of Leaena flying over the rail, dressed as she was in all her finery fully intent on taking down the latest agent of Corypheus they'd found. There was no woman like her. ‘That sounds about right, yes. And she will win.’

He faltered suddenly, feeling stunned. There was an unmissable shift in the Fade. Looking up, he saw Trystan had noticed it too, a look of concern in his eyes.

‘What in the Maker’s name was that?’ Trystan couldn’t look up, focused as he was on slaying another Venatori agent, the air reeking of blood and death around them.

The old horror started to rise in him. It was a pattern he recognised all too well.

Somehow managing to shunt the highly unwelcome sensation to one side, Cullen refused to give into the memories or the blinding headache that materialised out of nowhere. This had to be stopped, and he knew who would lead him to the source.

A flash of blue caught his attention. ‘Vivienne,’ he growled as he tried to control his anger. ‘We can’t lose her. Not this time. Trystan – stay with the Grand Duke. Leaena won’t be long – Florianne is nearly dead. Rally our Templars as soon as this is over and await my order. Whatever Madame de Fer has been up to - this is not good.’

‘Cullen – what is going on? Lea will want to know,’ Trystan argued, temporarily able to take a break from the fighting. The Venatori were finally being overwhelmed.

‘There is no time! I appreciate the information on the red lyrium smuggling, Your Grace. Things are now beginning to make sense.’ He took the shield off a dead Chevalier and started to run.

_Well, after a fashion. But who would have thought…_

Leaena had been right. Vivienne had overstepped herself, beyond anything they could have imagined.

He made his way rapidly along the side of the dance floor, avoiding the gore and dead bodies and dodging the screaming women - and some men - all looking to him to save them.

Cullen didn’t care as he ran even faster, free now of the crowds and spotting Vivienne at the top of the landing leading to the Royal apartments. Taking the stairs three at a time, he raced up, chasing her through corridors and a maze of apartments for what felt like an age before she finally disappeared through a door.

There was a dark, forbidding presence behind it, but there was no space in his head for hesitation.  He’d not succumbed all those years ago and he had no intention of doing so now. The stakes were so much higher, the overriding need to keep Leaena safe and away from anything that might harm her driving his every thought and action.

Kicking the wooden panels through, he burst into the room, feeling like he was about to suffocate and refusing to look at the back wall. He knew it would wait for him.

Vivienne’s smile of pure malice was wide in her face as she watched him stalk up to her. ‘Oh, very well done, Commander,’ she purred, ‘you’ve done just as you should. Templars are always so predictable. And you run true to form.’

‘When will you ever realise, Vivienne, just how irrelevant you truly are?’ Even as Cullen was snarling at her, he dispelled the ice block she tried to cast and Silenced her straight away. ‘I am disinterested in your pathetic attempts to be something you aren’t. You aren’t even the true threat in this room.’

Smashing the left side of her skull with the handle of his sword and watching her eyes roll into the back of her head as she crumpled to the ground, unconscious, was most satisfying. Leaena would be sorry to have missed it.

He could feel her, terrified for him, wanting to know why he was so afraid.

_No distractions, my lady - stay focussed. I will endure._

He then shuddered in remembered, ice cold fear as those ripples of distorted magic reverberated through the room and started slithering into his brain.

_But what is the wrongness…..Maker, save me._

_Leaena! NO!_

A scream of pure agony tore from Cullen at the pain ripping through his soul. He suddenly felt as if he was half a person, empty and cold. Frantically, his lyrium reached out, searching for Leaena’s magic, looking for her.

It had completely gone. Except there was no Fade rift for her to have fallen into. Their connection was severed, as surely as if – as if –

_As if she were dead._

His mind couldn’t accept what his senses were telling him, yet still they were reaching out, his lyrium trying to pull the magic that wasn’t there any more in a mad panic. He felt everything inside him start to shut down, unable to cope with the possibility that she had gone forever.

‘Hello, Cullen. Did you miss me?’

The familiar voice was insistent, softly seductive.

He had no choice. The lonely drive of duty was all that compelled him to move. He was stripped of everything else as he lurked on the border between sanity and madness. His breathing was shallow, the very nightmare he’d feared now coming to pass.

Yet somewhere, there was a rational corner of his mind that told Cullen there had to be another reason, that she wasn’t dead. Something telling him he had to be stronger than this, that he had to find another way out. It reminded him exactly what he was dealing with - and that nothing would ever, ever be straightforward.

‘Why won’t you look at me, Cullen? What did I do wrong?’

His mind started to clear. The numbing fear was there, but less. And the only way he would truly be able to help Leaena was if he found a way to beat what was behind him. She was not dead. He refused to accept it.

Turning slowly, Cullen forced his eyes to focus on the one thing he’d hoped to never face again. It nearly drove him to the ground as he stared, caught in equal parts of fascination and revulsion, his sword raised to deal a punishing blow – aside from the fact that his arm was frozen in place.

‘I’m so glad you’re back from that dreary meeting. Tell me about it in a minute.’ Leaena’s low, melodic voice spun through his senses as she walked towards him. ‘Something’s happened that I know you’re going to love.’

A shy smile was on her face, the one he secretly loved to see the best. Those deep blue eyes that reflected back his own soul were glowing with love and contentment. Her long pale blonde hair was hanging down her back, brushing against the simple white gown she wore. It covered her from her neck to her feet, moulding to her sensuous, lush body as she moved.

_Andraste help me. Don’t make me do this!_

‘Blessed are they who stand before the corrupt and wicked and do not falter.’

She was clearly pregnant.

‘Give me your hand,’ she said with quiet excitement, catching her teeth between her bottom lip as she raised her left hand towards him, diamonds glittering on her fourth finger. The other rested on her swollen belly. ‘I felt the baby kick today for the first time, Cullen! It was incredible! I – thought you’d like to feel too. I mean, I know you would!’

_I can’t! Oh Maker, how could you test me so cruelly!_

‘Blessed are the peacekeepers, the champions of the just.’

Cullen was sweating and shaking, the words of the prayer that had once meant so much falling from his lips. He was desperate for the strength to strike down what his rational mind was telling him over and over was a demon.

Except his rational mind wasn’t functioning, already severely wounded by the sudden severance of his connection to Leaena. All he could see before him was his innermost dreams come to life, right before his very eyes.

His hand, gripping the hilt of his sword so tightly it hurt, dropped to his side as he involuntarily took a step towards her, Leaena now even closer.

‘And – I spoke to Morrigan. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t resist and I didn’t think you’d mind.’ She broke off, hesitant but clearly bursting to share some news with him. ‘It’s a girl, Cullen! We’re having a baby girl!’

_How much more must I give of myself before I finally break? Why this, now, of all times?_

Leaena’s eyes were glistening with unshed tears of joy. The hand on her stomach was gently circling over the baby inside, in that instinctive nurturing gesture all expecting mothers had. Her other hand was outstretched, inviting him to join her in that irresistible world.

It was the most perfect, incredible sight Cullen had ever seen - the woman he loved beyond reason carrying his child.

‘Blessed are the righteous, the lights in the shadow.’

The anguished whisper floated out through the room, the words left hanging in the air.

Cullen’s was staring straight at her whilst he raised his arm, his lips still moving as he watched her eyes widen in fear and terror.

‘No! Maker save me, what are you doing?! Cullen, why would you kill us! Don’t! –‘

Unable to close his ears to her screams, his sword came down with all the strength and force he could muster, cleaving the vision of Leaena-demon and their baby in two. Black blood, viscous and acidic, spurted across his face and body before pooling around his boots.

‘In their blood the Maker’s will is written…’ He collapsed to his knees again, unable to say anything more as he vomited, the horror of what he’d faced in the past almost as nothing compared to the twisted temptation that the demon had just flaunted before him.

An inhuman screech racked through his body as the demon raged against him, the pale purple body writhing in agony as it bled to death from the fatal blow.

‘Oh, how very tedious.’ A bored voice Cullen didn’t ever want to hear in his life again cut the noise off abruptly. ‘They do so hate to be thwarted, don’t they? You have plenty of experience with that after all, Commander.’

If he thought the malevolence of the room had been bad before, this was now a hundred times worse. Scrambling to his feet, he stared at the man who had seemingly materialised in front of him out of nowhere.

Except it wasn’t a man but another demon. Unlike any he’d seen. The urge to run as fast as he could was overwhelming, only just overridden by the urge to stay and slay the two things in the room responsible for so much trauma in his life.

‘What are you?’ Cullen ground out, spitting on the nearly-dead demon to get rid of the horrendous taste in his mouth. He wondered if that would ever be possible. A part of him had died as his sword had destroyed the one thing he wanted more than life itself.

The less he spoke to this abomination, the better. The less he thought about what he’d just had to do, would be even more helpful to him right now.

‘Me? Oh yes. Call me Imshael. I am a spirit. Of choice.’ He gave a short bow with a flourish of his hand before eying the squealing, bleeding desire demon at his feet with distaste. ‘Useless. Do I have to do everything myself?’

The spacious room was suddenly clean once more, a light breeze blowing in from the open balcony door.

_Could tonight get any worse?_

Cullen’s heart stopped, his skin turning to ice. He knew exactly what this so-called spirit was.

Vivienne was unconscious still, although he doubted that would last for long. As he looked around the room again, he saw a slight shimmer on the light coming in from the moon. Realisation then dawned, anger and relief all hitting him in one tempestuous go. He was caught inside a magical barrier, effectively blocked off from the rest of the world.

‘Why are you here, to taunt me again?’ he shouted, his fury at a fever pitch as the continued images of his pregnant wife begging Cullen to not kill her poured more salt into an already weeping wound. ‘To cut me off from the Inquisitor, to make her and the Inquisition, fail? Your petty mind games won’t work, demon!’

‘My, there is no need for such temper, Commander! It is clear you do know who I am after all.’ With an irritated sigh, he looked across to where Vivienne had awoken and was climbing to her feet.

‘Still with us I see, First Enchanter.’ The demon’s voice was as cold as death. ‘What a pity. You are beginning to outlive your usefulness.’

‘Begone with you, fiend!’ Vivienne hissed in outrage, finally upright and moving towards them both. ‘I do not answer to you!’

With an aggravated sigh, the evil spirit turned his black, hollow eyes on her. ‘Cullen here could fell you with one stroke, just like he did that feeble creature. You honestly think that your paltry threats would frighten me? Do not forget your place. Our master grows weary of your incompetence.’

Imshael dismissed her before turning back to Cullen. ‘I am prepared to offer you a choice, Commander. You have seen what the future could hold for you, both ways. Death need not be the victor here tonight.’

He had been a Templar for far too long to have any interest in conversing with a demon, let alone a desire demon of such power as this one. He hadn’t at Kinloch Hold and he wasn’t going to now, especially not with a Forbidden One. The why of it all was irrelevant. The only thing he was interested in was killing the occupants of the room.

Leaena was alive. And on her way to him, of that he was certain. There was nothing Imshael could throw at him that would make him waver from his decided course of action. Quickly thinking through his options, he established his strategy and began to subtly shift the balance of his body. She might be near and he could provide a distraction.

‘You have both, time and time again, tried to pervert my most cherished, intimate desires.’ Cullen’s voice was as hard as granite, completely disinterested in discussion. ‘Do you honestly think I have any interest in doing a deal with you, after all demons have put me through? Any choice you offer me would be worse than death.’

Not bothering to listen for a reply, he launched his attack against them both, catching them unawares. The Smite he hit Vivienne with sent her reeling backwards as he reflected one of Ismael’s fireballs onto her. A well-aimed series of sword strokes already had Ismael on the defensive.

The soothing rhythms of a closely-contested fight were what he needed to calm himself after the utter conviction he’d had for a moment that Leaena was dead.

It would take quite a while longer to recover from the agony of putting his sword through the image of her pregnant with his child. That part of tonight had been put inside the locked iron box in his mind of nightmares to never revisit.

His sword arm was unwavering and his abilities were pushed to their very limit as Cullen fought for his survival. Firm in his belief that his Inquisitor would not be far behind, he let himself go to the familiar rhythms of battle.

\------

‘What the fuck do you mean, Cullen’s missing?’ Lea was sure she could be frothing at the mouth right now. She didn’t care. Cullen wasn’t in the ballroom where he was meant to be and now no-one could find either him or Vivienne.

Florianne was dead, the Empress, dead. Briala had been apprehended and would face execution. This was meant to be a celebration, where she could finally confront Vivienne. It wasn’t meant to have ended this way.

‘The bitch has, once more, turned the tables on me again! How could you let him leave on his own, Trystan! You know what she’s capable of!’ She was almost in tears, icy cold terror and blazing rage combined in her to render her on the verge of hysterical.

‘Lea, I couldn’t stop him! Did you feel the shift?’ Trystan protested furiously, looking just as distraught as she sounded. ‘We’ll go now –‘.

_Duty over desire……_

_I am a total fool._

‘Yes, it nearly made me vomit, and no I can’t!’ she shouted in frustration. ‘I have to speak to Gaspard or all of this will be for nothing! Orlais needs a ruler and he’s it!’

‘Well there you go, my dear Inquisitor,’ Gaspard interrupted smoothly as he came up behind her. ‘Why don’t you go and find your Commander now we’ve decided that? We have to clear up the ballroom anyway. It’s impossible with this particular audience to make rousing speeches and have a celebration with so much offal left on the floor.’

Her every instinct screaming at her to run towards where she could feel Cullen was, Lea dropped to the floor in a sweeping curtesy, just as Trystan gave a deep bow. ‘Your Majesty –‘ she began, before Gaspard cut her off.

‘What are you waiting for, Lady Trevelayn? There will be time for us to negotiate after your leadership team is restored to you in one piece.’ He paused as Lea made it back to her feet. ‘Be aware that Vivienne, the former Court Mage to the Orlesian Empire, was involved in smuggling red lyrium.’

Lea gaped at him in horror. Her world was crashing down around her ears already, only for her to find out just how badly wrong she had misjudged things yet again. ‘She played both sides – that side? I knew it was bad but - Maker save us, we must hurry! I have no idea what is up there!’

‘I do,’ a throaty, feminine voice chimed in. ‘This may not be the most opportune time, Inquisitor, for greetings. But I can give you a word of warning.’

‘You are Morrigan. Freya trusts you.’ Lea had no idea what had just come out of her mouth, feeling like she was about to crack in half. Duty compelled her to stand and listen, whilst the raw fear she sensed in Cullen was sending her nearly mad in her need to reach him.

She vaguely registered how stunning the dark-haired and yellow-eyed Witch of the Wilds was, quickly forgotten in her desperation to leave. ‘Apologies for the brevity of my response but I am worried for – for our Commander.’

‘Indeed.’ Morrigan’s eyes held a hint of sympathy as she looked at Lea assessingly. ‘He is facing a desire demon.’

_Oh Cullen, in my selfishness, I have failed you. Over and over again._

Her staff was the only thing keeping her upright as she leant unsteadily against it. Now was not the time for Lea to faint, rage or howl. With extreme difficulty, she started to control her breathing, waiting to hear what Morrigan had to say.

‘Tis not just any desire demon, Inquisitor. Have you heard of Imshael?’ The witch stopped and looked at Gaspard who had a look of anger, regret and remembered nightmares on his face.

‘Imshael is dangerous, Inquisitor,’ Gaspard said heavily. ‘There is no time to go into detail, but he was involved with the argument between Celene and me.’

‘He is a Forbidden One.’ Solas added quietly.

Lea felt her nails draw blood in her palm as her free hand clenched tighter in a vain attempt to control herself. It wasn’t necessary to hear anything further. Solas’s words told her everything she needed to know.

‘Thank you. Dorian, Trystan and Varric – come. Have those Templars ready for us when we are finished. Too many attacking and we will risk something happening to Cullen before we get there.’ She grabbed her staff, still bare-foot and in her ball gown as she started to run with her skirts over one arm over the bloody ballroom floor.

There was no time for her to change, not even to put boots on. Lea’s feet were cut to shreds and bleeding but she ignored it. Nothing else mattered but reaching Cullen in time. He was still with her, about to attack something. Her magic was seeking him out as they reached the entrance to the Royal wing, even as he was trying to reassure her, just able to sense…..

‘Inquisitor……..help her!’

She screamed, falling to her knees in terror at the top of the stairs, her hands pulling at her hair, her clothes – anything in her frenzy of denial.

‘Lea! Maker’s Breath, what’s happened?’

Her soul was on fire – bereft, isolated, her cries echoing in the emptiness inside her even as her magic still was seeking out his lyrium to wind round it, happily entwining itself around the warmth of his senses.

Except it was gone. It wasn’t there.  

‘Cullen – Maker!’ she was bent over double on the stairs, her hands round her middle, staring sightlessly at nothing even as the void within her grew even bigger.

Trystan was kneeling down in front of her, trying to soothe her as her teeth chattered and incomprehensible sounds came out of her mouth. ‘Lea, it’s alright. Tell me what has happened.’

She stared at her brother, uncomprehending, pain like she’d never felt paralysing her, making her gasp for air she couldn’t breathe. ‘Trystan – I can’t sense him! He’s gone!’

Some part of her brain recognised she was in shock. The rest of her brain was in meltdown.

‘Lea, get a hold of yourself. Cullen needs you right now, more than ever.’ Trystan was forcing her to look at him, not letting her sink into the lunacy her brain was trying to give into.

‘But you don’t understand! He’s dead! That’s the only explanation!’ The words coming out of her mouth didn’t belong to her. It was as if she was looking down at herself, watching a different person.

‘You don’t know that! If you don’t move and try to stop this, then everything fails. You have a duty, if nothing else, sister. You are the Inquisitor.’ It was very rare for her older brother to speak so harshly to her, but it had the desired effect, piercing through the haze of torture in her mind.

Lea got to her feet and wiped her tears, the storm of emotion replaced by a chill inside her so deep she didn’t recognise herself any more. Gesturing to the others to move forwards, they made their way through the Royal apartments steadily, the last place Lea had sensed Cullen’s presence and where Sera’s Red Jennies had whispered of strange and suspicious activity taking place.

‘There!’ Trystan whispered after a few minutes, gesturing towards a dark corridor that looked little-used.

‘I feel something,’ Dorian agreed. ‘We are not far. Maker’s Breath, that’s oppressive! Which shouldn’t surprise me given what’s down there.’

Varric was shifting on his feet, Bianca in his hands, looking exceedingly nervous but determined. ‘It’s not a great feeling I’m getting, guys. And I’m a dwarf so I’m not meant to sense this shit. Whatever that thing is, it’s potent.’

‘It’s just one of the most powerful demons from the Fade, old friend,’ Trystan replied sardonically. ‘Don’t let that put you off though.’

‘Just to make you feel better, this is supposedly one of the demons who taught the ancient magisters all about blood magic. It’s your lucky day, Varric, no?’ Dorian’s sarcasm didn’t seem to help Varric one bit. 

‘And Curly's in there with it?’ Varric sounded as if he were being strangulated. ‘You look positively cheerful about the whole thing, Trystan! Andraste’s tits, do they just beat the fear out of you in the Chantry before releasing Templars on the demon population of Thedas?’

‘Something like that.’ The smile on Trystan’s face was anything but warm, however, as he considered their next steps.

‘Barrier,’ Dorian whispered suddenly. ‘That’s what has happened, Lea. We can sense the presence but not the magic. And we need to think about how to destroy it.’

Hope flared in Lea’s belly at Dorian’s words, made even stronger by Trystan’s agreement. Maybe he wasn’t dead. Perhaps he hadn’t been through anything like he had at Kinloch Hold.

He up his hand for them to stop. ‘Wait a moment, Lea. There’s no noise and the magic is muffled so much as to be almost invisible. Which means that it’s all about to happen.’

‘Whatever it is, I am sure they can sense us now,’ she growled, the first words she’d spoken since she’d risen back to her feet again. ‘A demon like that isn’t going to be taken unawares.’

‘No, but it could. Cullen will be expecting you to come, don’t forget. I guarantee you he’s going to attack soon. Do you honestly see him standing around, having a tête-à-tête with a Forbidden One for long? Give it a minute,’ he cautioned her sternly.

The foreboding, however, was still there, threatening to suffocate her. Looking down the corridor, she too sensed the presence of an old and ancient magic. She didn’t have time for insecurity and doubt, not while there was a chance they could get out of this in one piece.

_Cullen, alive and safe is my only priority right now. And then, I will think on the rest._

‘Let’s go. I cannot stand here and wait any more!’ She started to run down what seemed to be the longest corridor in the world, the end only getting further away the faster she tried to reach the last door.

‘Shit!’ Lea was staring finally at a glowing barrier concealing everything within. ‘Can you dispel it, Trystan? Or is it one that will take magic to activate?’

‘The demon needs to be distracted, then we can slip through,’ Trystan said with a frown as he scanned the rippling black magical shield for any flaw he could exploit. ‘If this follows the same pattern as others. Let us hope the bloody thing doesn’t have to die – there!’

He made a barely noticeable gesture with his hand and a tiny rent in the barrier, something only an experienced Templar could have spotted, suddenly grew larger. Bit by bit, a large tear appeared in the fabric of the magic.

‘He’s there!’ Lea felt the lyrium within him meet her magic with such an impact she was stumbling backwards as their senses did their usual ecstatic dance, entwining round each other at such speed it made her dizzy. She was overwhelmed by his relief, desperation – and a sadness so deep she wanted to weep.

‘Now, Lea – move!’ Trystan shouted at her as she realised the tear he’d created was just large enough for her to fit through. She didn’t even think, simply throwing herself through the hole into the room on the other side.

Falling unceremoniously on the floor through the other side, Lea immediately sent a bolt of lightning towards the hideous thing that had Cullen pinned up against the wall, fighting frantically for his life.

‘Cullen!’ she shouted, scrambling to her feet as she released another torrent of fire towards what must have been Imshael. It had now turned its attention to her, giving him a quick respite.

‘Maker – you are alive?’ he was cut off abruptly as he had to avoid a glyph of ice Vivienne had thrown down at his feet.

‘Such a touching reunion. Enjoy it while it lasts, Inquisitor.’ Vivienne was bearing down on her, raising her staff to cast again, as Lea, exhausted already from the fight with Florianne, struggled to draw enough mana for another attack.

_Well, there’s only one thing to do._

Lea took the other mage completely by surprise as she rolled forward, somehow not getting tangled up in her skirts and sent her staff spinning with force towards Vivienne’s side. A humourless smile crossed her lips upon hearing the crack of her ribs as she screamed and fell backwards. ‘You never did learn how to truly fight, did you Vivienne? So reliant on your magic and nothing else.’

Looking up, she saw Cullen had already engaged Imshael again and that Varric had made it through the hole, firing bolt after bolt at the demon, distracting him further.

‘Really, why are you all so violent in this universe?’ A voice that made Lea want to run away screaming was laughing at them. The monster sent a shockwave through the ground, throwing them to the floor and making her wince in pain as her bones jarred together.

Dorian and Trystan had finally made it through the barrier which Trystan had managed to destroy. The room was free completely from the seal, which meant Vivienne too could escape. The mage was looking panicked at the arrival of two more enemies, edging closer and closer to the balcony as she only narrowly dodged Dorian’s round of fireballs.

‘Imshael!’ she shouted, raising her hand, green fire gathered in an explosive knot above her head as she prepared to hit the demon with her hardest spell. It would tax her severely, but they were all running on empty and Lea didn’t want Vivienne to elude her yet again. She had to find out why this demon was here as well.

‘I am the one you want! You’ve prepared such an elaborate trap, I find I’m rather flattered. Let’s not waste this opportunity.’ She marched forwards to the spinning wraith-like figure that was about ten feet tall, squashing down how repelled she was. ‘No violence, you say? Well then, let’s talk.’

Cullen was horrified at what she’d just proposed, but there was no option. They needed a break of sorts to regroup otherwise there would be no chance of them defeating something so powerful.

_It is a desire demon after all. They can talk the hind legs off a donkey._

‘Inquisitor. You are capable of civilised behaviour it would seem.’

Lea blinked. The room was frozen around her, the monstrosity that was in the air gone. All around her, everything was unmoving – Cullen, Trystan, Vivienne, Dorian and Varric trapped in a moment in time.

Not letting that perturb her in any way, she faced the demon in the form of a man who was now walking towards her. ‘Of course I am. It remains to be seen whether you are, however. What do you want, Imshael?’

‘So direct!’ he sighed, shaking his head at her. ‘How did you manage to make it through the menagerie of the Orlesian court with such bluntness? I must commend you on your skill at the Game. Florianne and Celene would never have guessed you’d take Gaspard’s side so emphatically, nor that you’d be so ruthless as to stand back and watch an Empress be murdered.’

‘Celene, her handmaiden and her pet mage all wanted me dead, and the Inquisition to fail. Is it any surprise I returned the favour?’ Lea was confused, unsure what this thing wanted from her. ‘You and Vivienne too, it seems, are in service to the same Blight-ridden despot. I presume your orders are to kill me too. So why did you agree to talk?’

Imshael gave a chuckle. ‘I am not in service to anyone, dear Inquisitor. Corypheus merely serves a purpose to me at the moment. His kind will pass on and fade into history, as they always do, whilst I will remain. You, however, I am interested in. And not just because of the stolen magic in your hand.’

She folded her arms, trying not to reveal how disconcerted she was becoming by this bizarre conversation. ‘What is so interesting about me? I won’t bore you with my life history as you already know it all.’

‘Oh, I do indeed. I know all about the spat you have with that nobody over there. I know how you would die for everyone who joined you in this room and beyond, to make sure they lived.’

It had moved closer to her, Lea able to smell the stench that was all Fade and demon. ‘I know all about the deep and abiding love you have for your Commander. And I know all about what makes you weak, Leaena – that which threatens the very existence of the world as you know it.’

_Andraste, be my guide._

Lea had gone very still, her heart racing as prickling dread started to flood through her veins. This demon was echoing every single nightmare she’d had and she had no idea how to respond.

‘You know what I mean don’t you?’ The dead voice was relentless in its probing of the dark depths of her fears. ‘Of course you do. You are a clever girl. You know what leaves you more vulnerable than anything in this universe. I proved it when I copied your rings and sent your messages for that imbecile there. And it was proven to you yet again tonight.’

‘It is none of your business, Imshael, what leaves me vulnerable or not, nor how I choose to manage it,’ Lea snapped back, all the while fighting the inevitability of the demon’s words inside her heart.

‘Your connection? That unique link to the Commander that has shored you up, supported you time and time again? The one that I took away from you in a heartbeat, that left you wanting to die? That isn’t a weakness, is it?’ Imshael was right next to her now, whispering hated, truthful words right in her ear.

‘My magic does what it wills when it meets the lyrium in Cullen's body. And the connection will, one day, be gone anyway,’ she spat out through gritted teeth. ‘I am bloody tired tonight and let something get to me when it normally wouldn’t. So what’s your point?’

‘Dear me, Leaena. For someone who professes to have undying love for Cullen, you are doing a very good job of keeping him in chains.’ The vile laughter of the demon did nothing to stop the numbness spreading throughout her body.

_Magic is alive, lyrium is alive……_

‘Explain yourself!’ Lea demanded, not allowing herself to say anything further. It was the one form of control left to her. 

Imshael rubbed his hands in glee. ‘That is what interests me, dear lady. This wonderfully dysfunctional, symbiotic relationship that the two of you have. Have you never wondered why his lyrium feels as if it feeds off you?’

He was walking in circles around her, studying her like she was some sort of scientific object. ‘And all because this magic you randomly acquired has distorted your own to an extent I have never seen before. Truly, it is fascinating.’

‘You’re seriously suggesting that Cullen’s lyrium regenerates because of my magic? That he’ll never be free of it otherwise?’ It was never a good idea to enter into a lengthy discussion with a demon. But she couldn’t help herself.

‘You know they are both alive, Leaena. So why do you need to question this any further? If they live, then surely they could operate independently of you. It only takes one drop to hear lyrium’s song. Even a child knows that.’ The demon sounded like he was giving a lecture.

The sheer enormity of what Imshael was suggesting was shutting down each and every one of her emotions, leaving her heart blank, her mind empty. Lea’s brain couldn’t cope with the potential thought of what she had done to Cullen, let alone what she continued to do.

Something was screaming at her that the demon was, as demons always did, not giving her a straight answer to her questions, his answers mixed with half-truths and evasions.

But it didn’t matter. The nightmares had done their job all too well. The idea had been planted and even now, its shadowy roots had taken anchor in every corner of her soul.

‘I can help you,’ it whispered seductively right inside her mind. ‘Look at that man there. The one person who you literally cannot live without. And nor can he – you are the one thing keeping him alive. You stand to lose him, to lose everything. But that doesn’t have to happen, Leaena. I can give you that choice.’

She was on the edge of reason as she stared at her Commander, frozen, the beloved face showing nothing but his love and fear for her. There was the man who she would die for, time and time again, just to know he was alive and safe somewhere.

Her staff was trembling in her hands and her body wracked with tremors as Lea tried and failed to imagine a world with no more Cullen – whether there would even be any point in the Inquisition succeeding if he wasn't there any more. And she was the one killing him, every second she was near him.

Imshael hovered by her shoulder, offering her an alternative to the madness that even now was spiralling out of control in her mind. There was always a choice. She just had to decide which one would lead to victory. Because if she got it wrong, it would be the end of them all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The prayer is Benedictions 4 of the Chant of Light.


	78. What Goes Around.......

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is long but I thought it would be better to post all of it for people to read rather than split it yet again.

That old adage - stuck between a rock and a hard place – had never been so apt. The ramifications of every single choice the demon offered were flashing through her mind at breakneck speed. Her heart, already ripped apart, tore anew just at the thought of Cullen’s lyrium addiction as a fresh wave of despair washed over her. She had no options left.

It didn’t even occur to her any more that she was relying on advice from a demon. The taunting, relentless whispers in her mind over all these weeks had left her wide open to manipulation so vast, her mind couldn’t process what was blatantly before her. The lines between reality and the nightmares had disappeared.

Lea looked back at Imshael, practically gloating in his certainty of what she would decide, aware all too well of the depth of her love for Cullen and what she would give to never be parted from him again.

She glanced once again at his frozen form, knowing every inch of him as well as he knew himself,  wondering what he would do – what he might have already done in this room, presented with a similar choice. To be with her, forever, no matter the consequences to him or to the world? To never be apart again?

‘Imshael. What a choice you have offered me. It is tempting – almost beyond redemption.’ The fortress of ice was within her once more, her eyes blazing with the white fire of her magic. ‘I find, however, that I am not prepared to pay your price.’ 

_The depths of what I would sacrifice for him are just as deep as my love._

_But demons never seem to get that part. Funny, that._

Without hesitation she raised her hand, the green flames that she’d been carefully regenerating throughout their discussions hitting Imshael fully in the chest. He went flying backwards into the wall where he slumped down, stunned. At the same moment, time restarted again, everyone looking disoriented for a split second before rushing to her support.

Lea looked straight at Cullen, the dizzying relief of knowing he was alive and well sweeping through her. Just for that moment, all of Ishamel’s prophetic words were forgotten as he smiled back at her, his own joy at seeing her well reflected in his face.

At a shout of pain from Varric, Lea spun round, looking for where the blast had come from. Vivienne had just sent the dwarf tumbling backwards with a lance of ice, with Varric now landing flat on his back, winded.

‘I will deal with her. Focus everything on destroying that filth behind me, Commander.’ She had heard and seen more than enough this terrible night to last her a lifetime. It ended now.

‘Yes, Inquisitor.’ To even hear Cullen speak two words, in the voice she could listen to forever and never get enough of, was almost enough to push her mind over the brink it was teetering on.

Somehow, she managed to harden her heart, not even thinking twice as she sent the flames still blazing from her hand directly towards the woman she had once been so terrified of.

 As she advanced steadily towards her onetime mentor, she was surprised to finally realise, after all the years of heartache and crippling self-doubt, there was never anything to have been afraid of in the first place. Lea had very successfully built a spectre up in her head that held so much more power over her than the real thing ever could.

Her flames were glancing off the sides of Vivienne’s barriers but the other woman was quickly weakening as she backed out onto the balcony. Lea, on the other hand, could just feel her magic strengthening the more she drew into herself. The green fire was burning hotter and brighter with each menacing step she took whilst she reminded herself of every single wrong this woman had done to her, to Cullen and to the Inquisition.

‘Give it up, Vivienne,’ she said, her voice deadly quiet. ‘It is over.’

‘It’s never over, you stupid bitch.’ Vivienne’s tone was still unyielding. ‘Just by getting you here I have won. You truly think, after all this time, you can outsmart me? I taught you everything you know.’

‘The student can surpass the master, you know. It’s a concept you should be all too familiar with, seeing as you were only ever mediocre in the first place.’ Lea switched from green flames to shooting fireballs the size of Bull’s head one by one at Vivienne’s rapidly eroding shields.

They were both outside now, the former First Enchanter nearly out of space to escape as she backed further and further away. Lea could barely remember that Imshael was still in there, the others all engaged in a tense battle with such a powerful foe. She didn’t need to worry anyway. Cullen was dealing with it.

She gave a sharp gasp, a jolt of pure agony exploding through her at the instinctive thought. The feeling of her magic singing and calling to the lyrium within Cullen was causing her physical pain in her heart. That which had become so natural to her, to know exactly what he was feeling and where he was, she now was forcibly trying, and failing, to reject.

Vivienne’s eyes narrowed in vicious pleasure when she saw the flash of distress across Lea’s face. ‘So clever of you, wasn’t it, to fall head over heels in love with the Inquisition’s Commander. And you, the Herald of Andraste. You always did leap first and think later in that self-absorbed manner of yours.’

‘Explain to me, Vivienne, why my personal life has always obsessed you so? To the point of having the Empress’ spymaster send people to watch me in Denerim, of all places? Or do you stalk everyone of your acquaintance? No wonder you have no friends.’ Lea’s stream of arcane energy had nearly bought Vivienne’s barriers down just as she brushed aside a weak lance of ice from the other woman.

‘What were you thinking when you became Inquisitor? That you could go on as you had before you first fell out of the rift? Like carrying on your affair with a member of your leadership team, of all people? Did you truly believe that there would be no consequences to your actions?’ Vivienne’s eyes brightened as she saw Lea freeze for a moment, her words clearly landing on their mark.

‘You are weak, Leaena. You leave yourself, and the Inquisition, vulnerable in ways you can only dream of. All because you are too selfish to abandon your own desires.’ Her words were piercing Lea as they bored relentlessly into the gaping wound inside her, started by the nightmares and ripped open by Ishamel.

Vivienne’s cruel laugh whipped up the rising anguish that she couldn’t control. ‘And that is how I will win, my dear, no matter what you do to me. I don’t have to do a thing to bring your little Inquisition down. You’re doing such a good job of it already.’

_Every word she says is true._

For a moment, Lea forgot where she was as she closed her eyes. The feeling of such crushing, abject failure was threatening to drown her as she fought for her breath, her chest constricting tightly.

The tiny voice, squeaking to be heard was telling her these were clever words targeting the things that the nightmares repeated to her, that it was a deliberate attack to destabilise the Inquisition from Corypheus himself.

The tiny voice was drowned out by years of self-hate and guilt, the baseless feeling Lea had always had - that she would never be what was needed for the Inquisition, or for Cullen, overriding everything else.

Lea opened her eyes, focussing on Vivienne once more. The icy fortress inside her was so strong now, she was even able to push aside Cullen’s frantic worry for her.

‘I may be the wrong person for the job, Vivienne, but that doesn’t stop me from killing you. That, at least, is something I can do rather well.’ Lea advanced on her nemesis without pausing.

For the first time, Vivienne looked doubtful, then outright panicked as she hit the end of the balcony. A thunderclap of power sent them both to the floor, momentarily disoriented before she recovered and rose to her feet. The other mage had done the same and was now nervously edging her hands along the smooth marble of the balustrade.

‘There is nowhere for you to run. The time you’ve spent playing off an Empress and a darkspawn magister are over. Your days of whoring, manipulating and destroying innocents are over. Your years of ruining my life for your own sport are over.’ Every word was, Lea noticed with vicious glee, hitting Vivienne right where it hurt – her pride and arrogance gone for the first time.

She raised her hand, ready to freeze her on the spot just as Vivienne jumped over the edge.

‘Leaena!’ Cullen’s voice was a million miles away, but still making her stop in her tracks.

The wound in Lea’s heart tore open further as she turned, seeing him breathing heavily, spattered in demonic blood, exhausted and still so gorgeous in every way – desperate to know what had gone so wrong and wanting to do nothing but make it go away.

_Oh my love. You have done more than you ever should._

_I will free you from this soon, I promise._

‘I need to go. I won’t let her escape again!’ For the second time that night, she flew over the railing to follow her, landing nimbly on all fours.

There was nothing left within her but dealing out retribution on a scale that equalled what she had been subjected to for so long. The red mists of vengance had burned away every other emotion which was helping. Just.  

Brushing down her somehow still intact skirts, Lea almost wanted to laugh at what she was presented with. Vivienne was no Florianne. She had landed awkwardly just in front of her in the garden and was trying to hobble away, one ankle clearly broken.

‘This is getting amusing, Vivienne. Fakery will, as you have finally realised, get you nowhere.’ Lea called out with a smirk. ‘How fast can you run now? My my, the pain on that ankle must be agonising.’

Vivienne turned, a line of purple energy shooting towards her which she contemptuously brushed aside. She could see the other woman’s confusion as to why Lea wasn’t attacking or moving towards her.

One part of her brain registered that Cullen, Trystan, Varric and Dorian had jumped down as well, coming to stand behind her.

She reached under her skirt to draw her dagger, tossing it idly in her hand. Revenge was an ugly emotion, but for Lea right then it was the only thing keeping her going. She fanned the flames hotter as she thought back to when this all began.

The Templar who seduced her, the mage who deceived her so cruelly. The Templars who beat her, who abused their position of trust in such spectacular fashion. The First Enchanter who was too weak and blinded by love to care about anything else.

And now, Lea had learnt from Vivienne’s last lesson all too well.

Her smirk grew as she saw fear, for the first time, in Vivienne’s eyes.

‘Inquisitor,’ Cullen said softly next to her, cutting off the spell Vivienne was trying to cast to heal her ankle, ‘what are you doing?’

‘Target practice, Commander.’ She didn’t look at him, her eyes fixed on Vivienne as she spoke loud enough for her to hear. ‘I’m just going to test my range. What news of Imshael?’

He hesitated for a moment before replying, trying to judge her mood. ‘He escaped, Inquisitor. I am sorry. But we are certain he has fled the Winter Palace.’

‘I’d rather you all alive than dead trying to finish off one of the Forbidden Ones. He will resurface again at some point and then he will die.’ Hate laced her words as she felt the toxicity of the emotion permeate through her blood. ‘Let’s find out more from Corypheus’ most charming Orleisan agent, shall we?’

The venom in Lea’s voice intensified, as did the speed with which her dagger was being tossed in the air. ‘She did do a deal with one of the most notorious creatures that stalks the Fade to copy our seals – and forge letters in our names – after all.’

Cullen tensed next to her in renewed anger at the memory of that particular bout of devastation in both their lives. No one said anything as they watched Vivienne limp further away, visibly flinching from her words.

‘What choices did he offer you, Vivienne? Power, more than you could dream of, in Orlais? Becoming Divine? The chance to preen at yourself in a mirror for all eternity?’

Suddenly a scream rent the air as Lea’s dagger landed squarely in Vivienne’s right leg, effectively hobbling her. Shrieking in pain, she somehow pulled the blade out and tried to get away still, moving even slower.

‘A bit more to the right, next time, Frosty. Just a touch less pressure on the handle with your back fingers before you release it. You might need to have another go, just to get it right.’ Varric, out of all her companions, knew of red lyrium’s cost and was not in a mood to be forgiving. None of them were.

‘Hmmmm. You’re right.’ Lea’s head was tilted to one side as she watched the blood pour from Vivienne’s leg as she fell to her knees. ‘Trystan, can I borrow yours?’

The handle of a blade was pressed into her palm as Lea immediately threw it, Vivienne’s screams renewed as it landed in her left thigh. She was squealing in pain, the awareness that there truly was no escape finally dawning on her as she pulled out another bloody knife from her leg, clutching at the wound in an effort to make the bleeding stop. Cullen and Trystan had taken it in turns to keep her cut off from her magic, to ensure, this time, she couldn’t get away.

‘It’s still a touch off, Leaena,’ Cullen murmured. All her anxieties and gnawing fears were forgotten in that moment when he showed her that he understood what this was about, and would support her any way she wanted. ‘Change the position of your grip – hold the handle a little higher and see if that helps.’

Lea didn’t reply as she accepted the dagger he offered her and flung it hard, watching impassively as her final throw landed squarely in Vivienne’s right knee. The crunch of the mental going through cartilage and bone echoed in concert with the howls and wails in the air.

They all knew that her accuracy had been spot every time, but all of them were showing their empathy and understanding why she was behaving so uncharacteristically. She needed this.

‘Beautiful throw, sister. You always were talented at those more awkward shots.’ Trystan’s calm voice cut through the audible evidence of Vivienne’s extreme pain.

‘Thank you. I think we may now get what we need.’ Lea walked forward to her, seeing with brutal satisfaction how twisted in agony Vivienne’s face was as she pulled Cullen’s dagger out of her knee and wiped it clean on the other woman’s gown

She smacked the mage across the face, allowing a little of her magic to filter through to make her palm crack harder across Vivienne’s cheek. ‘Stop this wailing! I will have answers from you!’

Grabbing the now prone woman by her arms, Lea roughly dragged her to her knees, taking one arm and twisting it up her back as far as it could go, whilst her other hand pushing the knife edge against her throat so close a trickle of blood appeared, dripping onto the white of her bodice.

‘Was what he offered you worth it?’ Lea’s voice was soft but so cold she felt Vivienne’s shiver of fear. ‘Turning you from your Empress to serve Corypheus?’

She chuckled coldly as the other woman started to shake in fear. ‘So that was the choice. Tell me, when did he make it to you, Vivienne? And what the fuck possessed you to accept such a heinous deal?’

There was silence for a long moment, just the sound of Vivienne’s whimpers and the quiet rustle of leaves.

Before anyone could blink, she bought the handle of her knife smashing hard down on Vivienne’s skull right where Cullen had hit her earlier, reopening the wound. ‘If you get blood on my dress I’ll be even angrier than I am right now,’ Lea snapped, as Vivienne sobbed in renewed pain. ‘I have a party to get back to and, thanks to you, my hair is already a mess! So I suggest you talk!’

Her fingers wrapped around the handle of the dagger tighter as she let the knife edge stroke Vivienne’s neck gently up and down, deliberately taking off a fine layer of skin as more blood seeped through. ‘It’s my turn to give you a choice. If you don’t answer me then I will simply kill you here and now. Or, because I actually possess a conscience, you can answer me and face the Inquisition and the Emperor’s judgment. With one you die. With the other there is a chance you may live. Choose.’

After an inestimable moment, the shaking woman’s voice came out in a croak. ‘I will face the Inquisition’s justice.’

Lea didn’t move, still pinning Vivienne to her, the dagger’s edge pressed as hard onto her throat as she could manage it without slicing her neck. ‘Very good. I ask you again – when did you make this deal and what in the Maker’s name possessed you to accept it?’

‘It was in Orlais. Before I travelled to join the Inquisition.’ Vivienne barely got the words out as she was so choked by Lea’s hold on her upper body. ‘It was just lyrium! To interfere with the Inquisition’s lyrium supply so your Templars would – aaaaah!’

‘Bull fucking shit!’ Lea had forced Vivienne’s upper body to the ground, whacking her forehead against the cobblestones with her daggered hand twice in quick succession before the blade returned to her throat once more. The mage’s screams began anew. ‘You know how I know? Because we have evidence that points to you! Even now you would try to lie and scheme your way out of this? Do not try my patience further! Start again!’

‘Red lyrium,’ the woman moaned out, finally talking. ‘To smuggle red lyrium into Orlais from Ferelden and use my contacts and influence at the Orlesian court to make sure the routes were kept clear. And to keep the Inquisition from finding out that route.’

Lea looked up at Cullen quickly, both of them knowing now why they had never received word that the shipment through the Emerald Graves had arrived. ‘And just how did you prevent us from finding out, dear Vivienne?’

A hint of vindictiveness entered Vivienne’s voice for the first time. ‘I blocked the communications. I planted false leads for your scouts. They are, even now, running around in circles trying to fathom what has gone on. It was an easy enough thing to do.’

‘Just like you wrote false letters between me and the Inquisition’s Commander? All part of the trick that Imshael showed you?’ Lea’s voice had gone so quiet she could barely be heard above the laboured breathing of the mage and a sudden, significant flinch that ran through her body.

‘Yes. He showed me the magic and how to do it and provided me with replicas of your rings – aaaa!’ She flinched even further as Lea took the hilt in her fist and let the point of her dagger carve a fine line across the other woman’s throat, more blood now congealing on the ruined cloth barely covering Vivienne’s breasts.

‘You did that, just to get at me? Or something more?’ she hissed in renewed fury, the memory of the dark time in the Western Approach haunting her still.

‘A bit of both. To disrupt the Inquisition. There was nothing else but those letters, I swear it!’ Vivienne was shaking even harder, sweat having now soaked through the flimsy material of her outfit.

Lea realised the other woman’s gaze had been fixed on Cullen’s face for those last few sentences. What she had seen there had put the fear of the Maker into her. There was simply no fight left in her any more.

But she still wasn’t done. There was still more she needed to understand. ‘You betrayed the one thing that could have given you status and position. Who encouraged your actions on behalf of the Orlesian empire? Did Celene even give a damn about the Inquisition? Or was it all you?’

‘She was concerned as it was and did see it as a threat. She authorised it all based on my guidance, and that of Briala. There is no room in Thedas for too many powerful mages. My reward was to be Divine, for my services to the Empire.’ Vivienne was sobbing now, for all that she had lost, all that she had destroyed at her own hand.

‘I can’t believe someone like you merited the attention of the great magister himself so who did you answer to in Corypheus’ army?’ Lea tightened her grip on the arm behind Vivienne’s back, forcing it up even higher as she felt the mage relax slightly, just to remind her who was in charge.

A loud yip emulated from her before she managed to splutter out her response. ‘Samson. Imshael and I worked together to bring red lyrium to the Red Templars.’

She sensed something shift in her Commander, an awareness of something that had eluded him. It was overshadowed immediately by the dark fury that had intensified during Vivienne’s questioning.

Exhaustion swept through her, all thoughts of revenge gone. It was done. She wanted to weep as she sensed the reassuring, calming touch from Cullen, supportive and loving as ever even after her brutal questioning.

Lea dropped Vivienne like a sack of potatoes on the ground, ignoring the snivelling and hysterics the woman had now succumbed to and wishing she could have a bath. ‘Bind her, Commander. She will be judged in front of the whole court. Bring her to the ballroom.’

‘Of course. Gagged or no?’ He walked forward, motioning for Trystan to help him.

‘No gagging. I don’t stoop that low,’ she spat in a flash of remembered anger at the feeling of suffocation she’d had in the Harrowing Chamber.

Lea had to then smile at how prepared he’d been as she noticed the large strips of material in Cullen’s hands. He’d obviously shredded some old sheets from the room they’d left in order to secure the fallen First Enchanter and prepare her for judgement.

A look of distaste crossed her face as she saw the blood that was still oozing from the woman’s wounds. ‘Gaspard won’t be phased by her appearance but there are some delicate flowers in the Palace tonight.’

‘Let me make this infernal racket stop for you, Lea. We can’t have her bleeding all over the ballroom floor anyway. The poor servants just cleaned it up.’ Dorian walked forward with Cullen and Trystan focussed for a second to close the wounds over enough to stop the blood from flowing.

‘You do have such a light touch with Spirit, Dorian. Far better than my efforts,’ she said approvingly, all the time feeling like she was operating in a different universe, her mind beginning to detach from reality as she thought of what was to come.

‘Why does everyone act so surprised at my capabilities to cast the most perfect of spells on any given occasion? In spite of all the evidence that this is actually the case? Give me your feet now, Lea because I saw you limping – oh silly girl! Next time stop to put something on.’ He scolded her as she felt the blessed relief as the burning in her soles she’d been ignoring since chasing after Florianne suddenly stopped.

‘Ballroom…’ Vivienne’s eyes bulged in sheer horror at Dorian’s words.

‘Oh yes. Did I forget to mention that bit? That’s where we shall go for the Emperor to decide your fate. You have to go in front of Gaspard first before you face the Inquisition, Vivienne. In public. Commander Cullen and Knight-Commander Trystan will carry you right through the halls of the Winter Palace, in front of all those nobles you manipulated and bullied over the years, to where your fate will finally be decided.’

Yet the satisfaction Lea thought she would feel was like ashes in her mouth, rendered insignificant by the magnitude of what else she had to address that evening.

_I will love him forever._

If hearts could cry, Lea’s would be doing huge, sobbing gasps with unstoppable fat, hot tears pouring down its surface. It was impossible for her to hide her sorrow and devastation from Cullen. And she had no idea what to do. There wasn’t a solution - not one.

‘Let’s get this over with everyone. Thank you for your help.’ And she didn’t mean Vivienne.

She took the skirts of her ballgown in her hands, still miraculously in one piece as she turned and led the way back inside the palace, determined to look for her shoes and make herself presentable. The night was not yet done. Not by a long way.

\------

Cullen felt like he’d walked into some alternative parallel nightmare of a universe these last couple of hours. Firstly he’d thought Leaena was dead, then he was accosted by the most powerful desire demon he’d ever met who taunted him with the most heartbreakingly perfect temptation possible, and then Leaena herself appeared, only for her sorrow to be so intense it nearly rendered him useless.

And it wasn’t because he had done something wrong, or because she’d somehow fallen out of love with him. Quite the opposite. The strength of her love for him, flowing from her magic, was almost desperate. She had made some kind of bizarre connection in her mind when she’d made the crazy decision to speak to Imshael, and then again with Vivienne immediately after.

The ballroom had been cleaned up in an amazingly short space of time, he observed idly. The mage in question was currently on the floor between him and Trystan, cowering and trying to hide her now bare face stripped of its Orlesian mask. On the dais in front of them stood Leaena and Gaspard, regarding the former darling of the Orlesian court with open disdain.

He’d recited all Vivienne’s numerous crimes against Orlais and the Inquisition and all that remained now was for Gaspard and Leaena to pass their judgement. It was all academic, however, not that the woman on the floor was aware of it. The outcome had been agreed with Gaspard the moment Leaena had decided midway through the evening who she was supporting.

Now all Leaena and the new Emperor of Orlais were doing was putting on a show for everyone else. And giving one final object lesson for the audience and for the harlot, prostate and weeping for mercy.

 ‘We are outraged by the crimes against Orlais, Inquisitor, and her contribution in the Empress’ demise. The involvement of Corypheus is, however, an Inquisition matter. We will, therefore, defer to your judgement on the matter of Madame de Fer.’ Gaspard gave Leaena a curt nod, indicating she should continue.

The gathered nobles were all pressed up against the balustrades and eagerly awaiting to hear the decision on a woman who had tormented so many of them for so long.

Leaena looked just as beautiful as she had done all night with not a hair out of place. How she’d managed it he had no idea given the amount of fighting she had done. She’d managed to find her shoes when they reached the main hall and immediately disappeared with Gaspard and Morrigan for a meeting. And now, finally after all these years, she would have her revenge.

 ‘Vivienne,’ her voice rang out, cold and clear across the ballroom. ‘Your crimes are severe. You threatened Orlais, the Inquisition and Thedas by your foolhardy and vicious actions, utilising your gift of magic to corrupt and weaken whole nations.’

‘Red lyrium is a scourge on the land and must be stopped at all costs. Yet you willingly chose to spread its curse and serve a darkspawn Tevinter magister to try and protect yourself should civil war have continued to tear Orlais apart, in a cruel betrayal of the Empress who trusted you. Many thousands are now dead or dying because of your actions, not to mention Celene herself.’

‘We have reached our judgement based on the magnitude of your evil.’ She paused, staring down at the woman who Cullen knew now meant less than nothing to her. ‘A mage’s punishment awaits you, Vivienne. Tranquil. The Rite will be performed tonight by Knight-Commander Trystan Trevelyan.’

‘Anything but that! Anything! Mercy on me, Maker!’ A collective gasp of horror and grudging admiration escaped from the crowd as Vivienne visibly wailed in terror. It was a fitting end for the woman who had forced so many under the brand.

‘You’ve got the numbers of Templars ready?’ he asked Trystan as they hauled a kicking and struggling Vivienne out of the ballroom, screeching in mindless fear.

‘Yes. Everything is set up and ready to go. A place this size and this ancient was bound to have its own Harrowing Chamber, fortunately for us. Dorian is standing in place of a First Enchanter.’ Trystan ungently bounced Vivienne up a few sets of stairs towards where the Rite would take place.

Seeing the other Templars and Dorian lined up in the room, Cullen let go of Vivienne, taking one more look at the woman who would soon have as much emotion as a lump of cheese. In light of whatever was wrong with his Inquisitor, however, what once had been so important was now irrelevant.

‘Can’t we shut her up?’ Dorian asked, looking irritably at Vivienne who was thrashing around.

‘Gag her,’ Cullen ordered to one of his men. ‘Thank you for your help, Dorian. It is not a pleasant task.’

‘Ordinarily, I’d agree with you. Tranquillity is not something any mage dwells on too much for their own sanity. But that woman – Maker’s Breath, the trouble she has caused? It is deserved.’ He shook his head. ‘I am going to check the wards.’

Cullen looked around the room, seeing that everything was prepared, the Brand glowing blue on the pedestal by the altar to Andraste. It was as if nothing had changed from his previous life, familiar rituals and routines taking over his actions and thoughts.  

‘Something is wrong with my sister, Cullen.’ Trystan softly spoke the words that he’d not dared voice. ‘But I don’t know what it is.’

‘I have no idea what that demon said to her but she has made some kind of connection in her mind that she can’t shake.’ Cullen stared with renewed anger at the mage tied to the table but now mercifully quiet.

‘Go and see to her, Commander. We’ll manage from here.’ Trystan gestured for him to leave as he walked forward to start the Rite.

For the first time that evening, Cullen had nothing to do as he made his way downstairs. There was an Emperor on the throne and Orlais was stable – no demon army would sweep through. There was a firm agreement that troops from the best armies in Thedas would support the Inquisition in its fight against Corypheus. Vivienne was even now undergoing the Rite of Tranquillity, plaguing him and Leaena no more. He was frustrated that Imshael had escaped – especially after the visions that he still couldn’t deal with – but even that, and Samson himself were problems for another day.

Except he didn’t think it would be that simple. From here, he could sense her, muted, terrified and weeping inside and he had no idea why. A feeling of dread was overtaking him, that the biggest threat they both had yet to face was happening right now. And he had no idea what it even was.

_But she is alive. And she is, for now, safe._

_She was magnificent tonight._

Finally reaching the ballroom, he quickly glanced down, glad that he’d taken the time to clean up quickly before they dragged Vivienne in front of Gaspard. It was as if nothing had happened – people dancing, laughing and chattering away gaily. He shook his head in slight bemusement at this contrary nation just as he saw Morrigan depart the balcony where Leaena was.

She was leaning on the railings when he reached her, standing alone and looking out over the gardens. The night was warm and clear, the moonlight catching her hair, now full of waves as she’d unpinned it after leaving the ballroom.

‘Leaena,’ Cullen said softly, not sure what to say to her as he came to her side.

_Especially not when she looks at me like that._

Her eyes were dark pools of pain, sadness rolling from her in waves and waves. Her torment was so acute it was making it hard for him to breathe, she was in so much agony. Her love for him was tied up with a darkness so black it made him afraid for what she would say.

'I was worried for you tonight. How are you?’ He put one arm on her shoulder, starting to massage it gently as she leaned into his touch.

‘It’s been a long night.’ She put her hand up to his, her fingers cold as ice.

‘You have outdone yourself, Inquisitor. You ended a civil war and bought stability to a whole empire. And foiled three of Corypheus’ agents in the process. One is dead, one is, by now, Tranquil. This is a significant victory for the Inquisition.’ Cullen couldn’t think of anyone who could have achieved what they had tonight aside from the woman standing next to him. ‘And you put a new Emperor on the throne.’

‘I like Gaspard, actually,’ she said contemplatively. ‘I hold no love for the Game and nor does he which made me feel much more positive towards him. He likes mages too. Also, the throne was his by right and Celene usurped it – he’s no less of a fit ruler than she was.’

‘No regrets, my lady. I personally am glad we have a military-minded leader in Orlais now. You have done what you needed to, successfully as always.’ He reiterated his earlier thinking, wanting that horrendous sadness she was feeling to go away.

‘None. You are right about Gaspard. This is for the best. As for Celene? What she did at the Halamshiral alienage was horrendous, not to mention blithely following whatever Vivienne and Briala advised. There is nothing I found which endeared me to her whatsoever, but I did not want the Inquisition to go around slaying Empresses. Florianne saved me a lot of work. Gaspard said Briala has already been executed.’ She grimaced at a thought. ‘Can you imagine if those three were all still alive?’

He gave a cynical chuckle. ‘It would just lead to more instability in the long run, and more for the Council of Heralds to manipulate him with. This way he can have far more control than even Celene, probably. I hope he weakens their power. They have too much currently.’

‘They do. It will be interesting to see how it unfolds in Orlais. There will be peace with Ferelden, you’ll be pleased to hear – Josephine will lead the talks. But Vivienne – is she – is it done?’ Leaena broke off, still staring forward, the woman still bothering her even now.

‘It will be,’ he assured her. ‘Your brother is overseeing it – nothing will go wrong. She will be sent to Skyhold where we can watch her.’

‘Give her to Fiona or some other high-ranking mage who can put her to work. She is a prisoner and not to be treated like any other Tranquil. She does not have free movement around Skyhold. I want a Templar on her at all times when she is not with her mage overseer. And,’ she added vehemently, ‘keep her out of my sight or I will throw her over the battlements myself.’

‘We will. Leaena - you can relax. It’s over. She can hurt you no more.’ His Inquisitor was in shock, he could tell, disbelieving that the woman who had dominated her life for so many years was finally gone.

‘At what cost, Cullen?’ Her head was resting in her other hand as she stared downwards, rubbing her forehead. ‘That demon – I can sense something happened in there. What did it offer you? I have never felt sadness like it from you.’

‘And you think I can’t feel the same from you now? It’s a desire demon, Leaena. It offered the same as it always does. They promise you the moon and never deliver.’ There was no way he could tell her the truth, not when he could barely face what had happened himself.

‘But are you alright? It was a desire demon and you were stuck inside a cage.’ He knew what she meant.

‘I am. Honestly. It wasn’t the memory of Ferelden that I found hard.’ No.

_Something far worse._

Like having to cut his wife and his baby in half. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t real in the outside world. The cherished hope and dream was very, very real inside his mind.

‘I’m glad. But you still didn’t answer my first question, Cullen.’ Leaena’s voice was insistent, almost like she needed to know in order to reassure herself.

‘I – it’s difficult, my lady. Let’s just say that something I didn’t think I’d ever have to do became necessary.’ It wasn’t possession but nothing else came as close. ‘But what about you? Why did you try to deal with a demon like that? You scared me half to death!’

‘Really? It was actually just to give me some room to catch my breath,’ her small grin gave him hope. ‘I was exhausted and didn’t have enough mana left for spells to get him down.’

‘And yet you still came out on top.’ He gave a kiss to the hand that was resting on his, feeing a slight shiver of pleasure at his touch, even as the sadness within her grew.

Little did he realise just how much he would come to regret the fact he didn’t discuss Imshael properly with her. Leaena had neatly deflected his own questioning and he didn’t even realise until later.

Cullen was desperate to think of something that would make her happy, that would make her forget, even for a few minutes. Not to mention replacing the heartrending vision of earlier with a far happier one. At that moment, the strains of violins preparing to play another song filtered outside.

_Nothing ventured, nothing gained, Cullen._

‘I may never have another chance like this. I must ask.’ He bowed and held out his hand, smiling at her look of astonishment mixed with pleasure. ‘May I have this dance, my lady?’

‘Of course.’ She stepped forward into his arms as he resisted the urge to pull her up close to him. ‘I thought you didn’t dance.’

‘For you, I will always make an exception.’ Cullen took the chance to memorise just how she looked then – the flash of unguarded, surprised delight on her face when he’d asked and the love that had shone through both her eyes and magic, knowing he’d done so just because she enjoyed dancing so much.

They started to slowly move across the balcony, the only emotion he could sense from her love, so much so it was hurting her. As if she was allowing herself to have this moment before everything fell apart once more. She was facing the moonlight, her eyes and face glowing in its light like some ethereal creature of legend.

‘You look beautiful still, even after all you have been through tonight, Leaena.’ It was an understatement. There weren’t words that described how he felt to have her, whole, real and alive in his arms, the reality so much more than anything the demon could offer.

‘Thank you,’ she replied quietly, her eyes shimmering with tears even as she gave a small laugh. ‘I find this the most insipid word to describe you, but you are so very handsome, Cullen. I thought I would have to beat your admirers off with a stick to get to your side tonight.’

‘Maker’s Breath, promise me we never have to attend another ball ever again. I confess to some jealousy – how did you manage to walk around with no one bothering you?’ She was bantering with him a little. Maybe it would be alright.

‘Green hand of fire, mage, Inquisitor.’ That small grin appeared again that he wanted so badly to kiss. ‘They were terrified of me. It worked rather well. And – you dance very well, ser knight. Is there something you’ve been hiding from me?’

He gave a rueful smile. ‘As a senior Templar, I had to endure one or two balls in Kirkwall. And maybe, I got Josephine to practice with me a bit at Skyhold so I would not disgrace myself if the belle of the ball consented to give me a dance.’

‘For me? I – this is the best gift I could have asked for, to have one dance with you.’ Unshed tears threatened to fall from her luminous eyes that were recording every bit of his face, not wanting to forget this moment.

Ignoring all the rules of dancing that he was vaguely aware of, he put his arm round her waist and held her close to him, wanting to lend her his strength in the hope it took whatever the pain was away.

She sighed, resting her head on his chest as she slipped both her arms around him. It meant he could finally hug her closely as they continued to move their feet to the music for a few minutes, Cullen luxuriating in the sensation of her body pressed against his. He kissed the top of her head, pulling her even tighter into him as he tried his best to sooth her anguish.

As the song finished, he felt her body start to tremble, that crushing agony inside her rising again. ‘Won’t you tell me what’s wrong, my lady? I can’t help you if you don’t talk.’

He was at a loss, with no idea what to do as she released him reluctantly, biting her lip and staring at him, speechless for a minute.

‘I don’t even know where to begin.’ Leaena’s voice was so quiet he could barely hear her. ‘I – Maker, I love you, Cullen. So very much. I don’t know how to say this!’

‘I love you too, Leaena.’ The dread was choking him now, leaving him helpless. ‘Say what you need to.’

‘I can’t be with you,’ she whispered as her tears began to silently fall. ‘I – we can’t be together any more. This has to end.’ 

Cullen closed his eyes, numbness and the sense of being in some vile alternate universe taking over again. That she loved him and would love him forever was not in doubt. That she believed she had to end their relationship was also, hideously, not in doubt either.

His heart was slowly shattering inch by inch.

‘Andraste help me.’ His voice shook as he stared out blindly at the gardens. ‘What? Why?’

‘Your lyrium – it’s feeding off my magic. You’ll never be free of it. I’m killing you, Cullen. I can’t – I can’t do that!’ Leaena’s hands were white as she held them tightly together.

‘Is that the fucking demon? Leaena, you can’t believe that!’ He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. ‘Who else have you spoken to about this?’

‘No one – but Cullen, it makes sense!’ she insisted frantically. ‘They’re both alive, my magic, the lyrium within you. One needs the other to communicate, to sustain it. Magic is raw lyrium, straight from the Fade and my Mark acts like a key, enabling it to pass onto you.’

_Oh, my lady. How did I let this happen?_

_How much have those nightmares really affected you? I should have paid more attention!_

‘I don’t care! How can you trust what a demon says to you, Leaena? Especially a Forbidden One that is working for Corypheus? It’s the most insane thing I’ve heard!’ Cullen was aghast, feeling shocked that she would go on the word of nothing other than a demon that wished her ill.

‘Besides, if it is true, then it is still my decision as to whether I stay with you or not! And I say you stay put right by my side!’ He was almost shouting now, heedless of their location.

Leaena was talking nonsense and it was beginning to frighten him.

She stood, wiping her face even though the tears continued to fall. ‘I understand that. And you know what? If we were just Cullen and Lea then that would be fine. I’d be prepared to take the chance that it was all bullshit.’

‘But we aren’t ordinary people. I am the Inquisitor and you are the Commander of our military. Millions of people depend on us to see this through. I can’t risk it now. You are the Commander and I need to know you are well and not wracked with lyrium withdrawal. I have to stay away, for that fact alone.’ Leaena took his hands, hers feeling ice-cold against his skin.

‘Then, if that is what you believe, I will take lyrium again if it means that I can be with you.’ The look of horror that crossed her face when he said that was replaced by heartbreak.

‘You can’t do that!’ she whispered in shock. ‘You can’t, for me –‘.

‘I told you in Kirkwall that I would do whatever it takes if it means I can protect you. I would take lyrium again if it means you will put this bizarre notion aside and stay. Give me a vial, right now, and I will do it. My life is nothing without you in it, can’t you see that?’ Anything that stemmed this tide for her. He’d quit lyrium again after they finished with Corypheus.

‘Damn it, no! You can’t do that!’ She was shouting now too, a tear escaping. ‘And it’s not just the lyrium, Cullen!’

_Maker, what else?_

‘From the moment we met, people have been using the love we have for one another against us. I have failed you, over and over again because I have not been strong when I needed to be. I have been so focussed on you, I’ve missed glaringly obvious signs of danger.’ She was pacing the balcony now, her hands on her hips whilst her emotions ran riot inside of her.

‘Cullen – I can’t do both. I can’t be focussed and do what I must for the Inquisition and worry that I’ve left you unprotected, that you aren’t safe. Today was a prime example. Maker – when you were cut off from me I just wanted to die! Trystan had to nearly slap me back into sanity!’  

Her agitated pacing hadn’t stopped. ‘I can’t die! I can’t break like that! I am the only one who can do this. If I don’t do my duty, then what is the point in us being together? Everyone will be dead! I cannot put my own selfish needs above anyone else!’

This was very, very wrong. He was only sorry that he hadn’t killed Vivienne outright when he first burst into the room. Some maggot had been planted in her mind and it now was eating away at the rest of her. ‘Leaena –we are stronger together than apart. Why can’t you see that?’

‘I am – my love for you, it makes me vulnerable. They took you today, to show me what they can do, taunted me with it. I can’t be vulnerable. I can’t afford any weakness. I am not strong enough for this….’ Her voice finally broke as she put her hands over her face and wept.

Cullen pulled her close to him before she could sink onto her knees, enfolding Leaena in his arms as he dropped a kiss on the top of her head.

‘It’s alright, my lady. Please, don’t cry. You are braver than anyone I know. Look what you have achieved tonight alone.’ Even as he struggled to keep his own tears back he was desperate to lend her his strength, still be there to support her.

‘I – maybe when this is all over, if I it turns out I’m not poisoning you.’ She was still crying, her voice hoarse with her pain as her arms were wrapped around him, clinging on and never wanting to let go. ‘But us, now – it has to end. I leave for the Emerald Graves in an hour. I’m so sorry. Fuck! That sounds so inadequate!’

_Why does this always happen to us?!_

‘No, I don’t get us having to end – at all!’ He stepped back, staring at her in anger and confusion. ‘What difference does it make whether you are with me or not? Are you magically going to stop loving me? Or I you? The Inquisition’s enemies will still know!’ He saw damp spots on her hair from where his own tears had started to fall, in disbelief he was even having this conversation. None of this was making any sense.

‘Because you could die! Because they will use you against me, time and time again! I can’t let them!’ She was becoming almost frenzied in her need to make him understand. ‘I’m not doing this for the fun of it – Cullen, I am doing this because I must! Surely you of all people get how exposed it leaves the Inquisition if two of its leaders are taken out!’

‘Why in the Maker’s name…..we won’t be taken out!’ He exhaled in frustration, both his hands running through his hair. ‘How is that going to happen just because we are together? I don’t understand, Leaena – and, as your Commander, don’t you think I’d be the first to damned well tell you if it was a threat or not? Or are you accusing me of being inept since the first day we met?’

‘No! Of course I’m not.’ She gestured to them both, her arms waving in the air almost as if she was out of control. ‘But it’s been their tactic the whole time – use one to get to the other – can’t you see? Corypheus wants me dead and the Inquisition leadership decimated. The Commander of all our armies, gone. The Inquisitor and her rift magic – gone. The two main things that block his path. And if we are together we just become an easy target.’

‘And it’s their tactic right now to drive us apart! Why do you think they have put such specific nightmares into your mind, Inquisitor? They are doing this on purpose, because you will be weaker without me!’ Cullen was about to argue with her again, trying so hard to get her to change her mind.

The whole thing was bordering on madness to listen to her talk. She wasn’t listening – nothing was registering.

‘Please, Cullen – listen to me. This is the only way I know how I can get through this. If I falter, then the world ends. You don’t know what we saw in Redcliffe! I will not see that future come to pass!’ The resolve in Leaena’s voice didn’t falter. She was convinced this was the only way forward.

‘And that future is not going to happen!’ he retorted heatedly, even as he saw with dismay he wasn’t getting through to her. ‘We have won every battle, defeated every enemy. We are so near the end now, and yet suddenly it’s a bad idea to be together? What if you’re wrong?’

‘I….I can’t take that chance!’ she stammered, not backing down. ‘I’m doing this for us!’

If Cullen hadn’t thought there was something wrong before, he would have now at that statement. That was the most illogical thing he’d heard her say yet and his Inquisitor was normally anything but.

‘You might accept it, Leaena, but I don’t! I will always be here for you, I don’t give a shit about your crazy theory on lyrium and I bloody well expect you to come back to me at Skyhold in one piece after every mission! And if I have to, I will come and get you myself, whether you order it otherwise or not!’

To add to his abject misery, Cullen had the added sense that he should somehow be fighting harder for this woman he’d professed to love more than life itself. Her argument about the lyrium was ridiculous, and she was simply refusing to listen, having gone into a blind panic to end the threat that faced them all.

A multitude of images were running riot in his mind – when he first saw her laugh, rescuing her from the snow, from Kirkwall, when they found Skyhold, her in the lake at Honnleath, dancing round her room before they left…..

The soft, gentle feel of her skin, the orange-blossom scent that would be with him forever – all of that was assailing Cullen as he strode forward, took her face in his hands and kissed her deeply. The light taste of berries, mingled with the salt of Leaena’s tears and the delicate touch of her fingers tracing the lines of his face, was all he’d have to remind him for many cold, lonely nights to come.

‘Tell me you don’t love me. Tell me!’ he demanded, the lingering passion of her kiss adding to the devastation chilling his heart. ‘That is the only reason I can think of that would mean the end of us.’

‘You know that I love you, Cullen! It’s because I love you that I have to do this! And don’t you bloody well dare touch a lyrium potion!’ She was shaking, her face soaked and her eyes red as she stared at him, the combined horror and bleakness of the future crashing down on them both. ‘I’m sorry. This is the only choice left to me.’

‘There is always a different choice! Please, don’t do this,’ he begged, heedless of the stinging in his eyes. ‘I can’t live without you, Leaena!’

His headache intensified tenfold. Something was deeply wrong with the whole situation, well beyond Leaena’s drive to break things off. Fear was snaking through his heart as he realised he couldn't stop her.

It would never be finished between the two of them, no matter that she might wish otherwise. But right now, he couldn’t see how he could show her. Leaena was convinced he would die because of her, that she would fail the Inquisition because of their relationship. And nothing he was saying was making any difference.

She pressed her lips to his once more, all her love and heartbreak pouring through to him. ‘I would rather live in a world knowing you are alive somewhere, than knowing you are dead because of me.’

Then, just like that, she was gone, her whispered words sinking heavily through the emptiness in Cullen’s heart.

 


	79. Repent at Leisure

‘That’s another one closed. Urgh, the Veil is so thin here.’ Lea shook her left hand as the green fire died down, the Fade rift sealed.

She sighed heavily, looking around her at the beautiful, but sinister, landscape. ‘Another one of mankind’s crimes. Sometimes it feels like I can hear each tortured soul. This lush forest is merely masking another mass grave.’

‘Death on an insurmountable scale has made it so,’ Solas’ voice was soft but cold. ‘Each tree could tell you the story of a thousand lives lost, da’len. But you must not let it affect you. It is in the realms of history now.’

‘It’s getting late, Frosty. You want to make it back to Fairbanks tonight, or leave it till tomorrow?’ Varric interrupted the morbid conversation, hoping against hope she'd say yes. 

The Inquisitor was in enough of a state as it was, her nightmares worse than ever. Spending nights out in the open, where the ghosts tried to whisper to her further, was something they wanted to avoid at all costs.

‘It’s been depressing out here, Inquisitor. Perhaps we could all benefit from some additional company back at Watcher’s Reach,’ Blackwall added his voice to Varric’s.

Varric knew the warrior and the elf were also concerned by the pale shadow of a woman in front of them, currently staring into nothing. They had been in the Emerald Graves for three weeks, hunting out the red lyrium smugglers initially. Then it became apparent the problem was far wider than a few rogue bandits trying to make some coin. They would be on the road for another month at least.

_Not that she seems to care. What the fuck has happened?_

Looking at them all again, a hint of a smile appeared on her lips, one of the few she had given recently. ‘You lot are worse than my own mother. Alright, if you want, we’ll head back to camp, get our horses and spend the night at Watcher’s Reach. I need to decide what to tell Fairbanks in that case too.’

They made their way back to their horses and quickly headed south to the refugee camp. The night was overcast with a hint of damp in the air. Varric hated getting wet almost as much as he hated being in a cave. Sometimes, it seemed, he just couldn’t win.

The companions Lea had chosen to bring with her were the most sombre she could have picked. Solas preferred his own company above anyone else’s and Blackwall was about as gregarious as a statue, particularly when she was around. Varric liked ale and good conversation. And there had been almost none on this trip.

In fact, Varric was astonished she had bought Blackwall along. It was a well-known fact that Cullen couldn’t stand the other man and, combined with the fact that he still hadn’t come clean about his true identity, Lea had previously elected not to have his assistance in the field. Except now, she had changed her mind for some reason.

They had left Halamshiral with almost indecent haste. He’d been enjoying the view of Vivienne being unceremoniously carted through the packed ballroom, screeching like a banshee, when Cadan suddenly tapped him on his shoulder and told him to head for the carriages. The look on the spy’s face had been tortured but he’d not left Varric with any other explanation but to get ready to depart the city that night.

One look at Lea when she made it back to the mansion - about an hour after the rest of them - explained why her twin had looked deeply worried, to the point of fear. The pain and despair radiating from the Inquisitor was so dark and so acute it left them all in shock. After such a triumphant evening, something, somewhere had gone badly wrong – but no one had any idea what it was.

_And, of course, she refuses to talk about it. It’s like we are back in time, and not in a good way._

Just based on the look in her eyes, it only took him one guess to know what the problem was. Love had a funny way of warping someone’s soul and distorting their world view to the point of madness. It did, however, seem to happen to the Inquisitor and the Commander on all too regular a basis.

Varric suddenly realised they were coming to Watcher’s Reach, their horses clattering loudly over the uneven stones down to the refugees’ hideout. He shook his head, trying to clear the dispiriting thoughts from his mind.

‘I need to speak with Fairbanks first before we relax,’ Lea announced, breaking the quiet.

‘What did you decide?’ Blackwall asked as they dismounted to lead their horses the rest of the way, the path being too narrow to continue on horseback.

‘Let’s see what he says first,’ she replied noncommittally. ‘But I know which way I want things to go.’

They all trooped behind her to see the Orlesian refugee who had, somehow, organised things in the Emerald Graves single-handedly for hundreds of people fleeing the civil war.

‘She’s got that look on her face,’ Varric muttered to the others. ‘Fairbanks isn’t going to like what she’s got to say.’

‘That look normally gets her what she wants,’ Solas replied mildly. ‘And in this case, I think she’s correct to push it.’

‘How can you say that?’ Blackwall looked at Solas in disappointment. ‘The man doesn’t want anything to do with the Orlesian nobility.’

‘Ssh.’ Varric wanted to listen into this particular conversation. ‘Let’s find out her rationale. Frosty never does anything without good cause, Warden.’

_Even breaking up with Cullen. For some inexplicable reason._

_But she has one. She just won’t tell us._

‘Fairbanks.’ Lea greeted the man with a relaxed attitude that hid the true purpose of what she wanted to discuss. ‘The Freemen of the Dales have been pushed back into the Exalted Plains, as we agreed. We will be following them there in the morning – they are involved with the red lyrium trade and they must be stopped.’

‘You have my – our everlasting gratitude, Inquisitor.’ The man who called himself Fairbanks was looking at Lea with suspicion. ‘I hear you’ve been investigating my birth. You haven’t found anything, have you?’

‘I have, actually, Evariste,’ she replied quite openly, to Varric’s surprise. ‘You’re the child of Lady Bernice Lemarque. Which makes you an Orlesian noble of some standing.’

‘I know who I am!’ he replied angrily. ‘And I want no part of it! The life of a gilded cage Will you give me the evidence? It belongs to me, after all.’

‘No.’ Lea was blunt and unrepentant in her refusal, but her tone was conciliatory. ‘Let me explain to you why, my lord. I have just come from Halamshiral – from the grandest masquerade Orlais has ever seen.’

‘The room was filled to the brim with the great and good of the Empire’s society. It was a splendid affair, glittering jewels, expensive silks and masks of pure gold. And you know what else?’ 

She didn’t bother waiting for an answer as she carried on. ‘It was a disgrace – an orgy of gluttony. People feeding off the misery of others. Manipulating each other, at the expense of good folk such as these refugees, simply to outdo one another. It was so bad an Empress died as a result, knifed by her cousin no less, right in the middle of a ballroom.’

She paused to let her words sink in. ‘There is change afoot though, my lord. There has to be. Things in Orlais cannot carry on as they were. Tell me, how much do you truly want to help people as you say you do?’

‘Of course I want to help, Inquisitor! But at what cost?’ he protested, somewhat weakly, knowing where Lea was going with her argument.

‘He’s got the look of a man backed into a corner by a beautiful woman,’ Varric chuckled under his breath. ‘You know, that one that makes it impossible to say no.’

‘It always was,’ Blackwall rumbled, sounding resigned. ‘I know the look you mean all too well – and the feeling that goes with it.’

‘Resistance is futile – that one?’ Solas asked dryly.

‘Chuckles? I didn’t know you had it in you. That’s a story I want to hear one day.’ Varric grinned broadly at the elf who actually looked rueful for once.

‘You have achieved a great deal here and your efforts are to be commended. You have a natural talent for leadership.’ Her arms were spread wide as she gestured around the camp. ‘But as Fairbanks, you can only help a few people. As Lord Evariste Lemarque you can help thousands more. So why are you trying to hide?’

‘I am not hiding, Inquisitor. You paint a pretty picture – power, freedom. But I know nobility is merely another word for a gilded cage.’ Fairbanks’ arguments were getting weaker and weaker.

‘Strange,’ Lea said mildly. ‘I didn’t take you for a coward. Especially not a childish one. Yet all I’m hearing is you bleating about ignoring your responsibilities for no other reason than you don’t want to.’

Her left hand was in the air, glowing brightly green as she let the magic ripple through for added effect. ‘When the Inquisition was formed, with lives depending on me – just as you – I had a choice.' 

'I could have turned and sulked my way back to Ostwick, ignoring the fact that no one else can do what I can do, and watched the world end. Or, I could accept it and try to make things better. The Maker decided I should have this Mark in my hand and I couldn’t refuse his gift.’

‘You have the same choice, my lord – the same opportunity. Orlais needs nobles like you. Otherwise nothing will change.’ She lowered her hand, turning back to her companions. ‘Think about it. We will be in there. Come to me when you reach a decision.’

_Well that should do it. He looks thoroughly ashamed._

Lea gestured to them all to follow her into the cave that served as a tavern of sorts. ‘Varric, would you mind checking for messages? The advisors are aware we’re heading out tomorrow but I want to see if there’s anything else.’

‘Sure thing. I’ll get drinks too whilst I am there.’ He agreed, turning to head to the bar. ‘That was well done, by the way, Frosty.’

‘Thanks, Varric. I’ll get them, don’t worry.’ She smiled and then his heart sank as she came to stand next to him.

‘Three ales – and make mine a bottle of whiskey, please,’ Lea asked the bartender. ‘Or whatever passes for whiskey out here.’

He stared a bit helplessly at her as she picked the drinks up and went to sit down with the other two. Lea had been drinking steadily every night since they’d left Halamshiral and it was another worry for all of them.

Trying not to dwell on a problem he had no solution for, Varric collected the messages, flicking through them all before his fingers froze on one addressed to him.

‘What in the Maker’s name?’ he wondered aloud as he recognised the handwriting, slipping it into his pocket to read later. It was hard, because he was burning with curiosity, but he’d have to wait to get somewhere more private.

‘Letters for everyone.' He doled out the mail, Lea having three times more than anyone else as usual.

‘Wonderful.' Sarcasm filled her voice as she eyed the pile, not bothering to go through it. ‘More work. So, Fairbanks. Will he or won’t he?’

_In days gone by, she would have whipped out Curly’s letters in an instant, all excited and looking forward to the treat of reading them later on. No longer._

‘I don’t think you should have forced it, my lady,’ Blackwall said disapprovingly. ‘The man wants to remain out of the nobility and you’ve forced him into a life he doesn’t want. And rightly so.’

‘For someone who professes to be in love with her, he insults her on a regular basis,’ Solas murmured to Varric as they watched Lea’s face. ‘Or maybe this is a bizarre courting ritual in humans that I have missed?’

‘Don’t ask me about humans. Sometimes what they decide to do is plain weird.’

Varric didn’t miss Lea’s visible flinch - or the pain that flickered across her face at the use of a title that, out of all the Inquisition’s advisors and companions, only the Commander ever addressed her by. There was some sort of unspoken agreement between them all that it was for Cullen, and Cullen only to use.

Not that either of them knew that, of course.

_The one time I tried, I felt almost pervy. Never again!_

It was especially awkward as the man sat opposite him had used it to make a point about the ruling classes of Orlais, something that wouldn’t endear Lea to him any further.

Lea decided not to let it go, taking a huge drink of her whiskey and promptly pouring herself another glass. ‘I am a noble, Blackwall. If you have a problem, then I suggest you spit it out. I am proud of my family and I will not have any of my companions question my background.’

‘No! Inquisitor, that’s not it!’ He was horrified, realising suddenly what a blunder he had made. ‘It’s different in the Free Marches to Orlais. That’s what I meant.’

‘And how do you know so much about Orlesian nobility, Warden?’ Varric interjected with that hint on the other man’s own title, wishing Lea would just out him and put them all out of their misery.

He hated an unsolved mystery. And Blackwall was definitely one of the more intriguing ones he’d come across.

‘I don’t! I mean, look at what we just left behind, the extravagance, the waste? The politics? Playing with people’s lives? Murderous, agai-‘. He stopped himself mid-passionate rant, reaching for his ale and taking a mouthful.

_What had he been about to say?_

‘I don’t deny that is a huge problem. Which is exactly why we need men like Fairbanks to change things. Or would you prefer Orlais to stay the same?’ Lea was unapologetic in her stance and they all knew she would force this through one way or another.

‘No. Of course I wouldn’t. Look, let’s just forget I said anything.’ A look of relief crossed his face as he looked at the back of the cave. ‘He’s heading over now.’

‘Inquisitor,’ Fairbanks said, somewhat hesitantly as Lea made space for him to sit down. ‘I thought on your words. I – you are right. It’s just – Clara. I don’t want to –‘.

He wore an anguished expression as he looked at the pretty young girl who had encouraged Lea to search for the evidence in the first place. Varric grimaced inwardly in sympathy.

‘I understand.’ Lea’s own anguish was about to surface before she ruthlessly clamped it down. ‘I will see the Emperor when I am in the Exalted Plains and discuss your petition directly with him. I doubt it will take long. He is a man of action and foresight who will be quick to encourage people of your calibre to stand by his side. You have made the right decision.’

‘As for Clara – I will enquire about the possibilities. She is devoted to you, my lord.’ She smiled, so sadly it made Varric wince. ‘If there is a way for you to be together, we will find it. Life is too short to not take a chance at love.’

The soon to be Lord Lemarque left them, filled with gratitude and thanks, excited by all the potential possibilities that his new life could bring.

‘Good,’ Lea said, her mask in place once more. ‘Let’s run through the events for the next few weeks.’

‘Well, we’re going to check on Solas’ friend, clear out the smuggling ring from the Freemen of the Dales and see Gaspard. There's not much - we've done most of it already.’ Varric summarised what he remembered from their last discussion. ‘Then it’s to Emprise du Lion to close down the red lyrium operation. Once we’ve done that – well, we can march on Corypheus.’

‘Maker, that can’t come soon enough. I have the stench of red lyrium on me still from earlier. All those knights, corrupted and twisted by the stuff – it was disturbing.’ She’d taken care around the nodes earlier, but it hadn’t stopped her from being sick afterwards.

‘Thank you for prioritising that matter, Lea.’ Solas had a rare look of anxiety on his face. ‘I hope it is nothing – but I fear I am wrong.’

‘It’s no problem. Any abuse of magic has to be looked into by us right now until Cassandra and C-Cullen sort out what they want to do with the Seekers and Templars.’ 

She had busied herself looking through her post as she forced out his name, only to then nearly burst into tears as she saw a letter with his handwriting on.

They all sat awkwardly, not saying anything as Lea bit her lip so hard Varric could see a drop of blood come through on her teeth.

‘Frosty, what the fuck!’ he burst out suddenly, hating to see his friend in such distress. ‘Talk to us!’

She shot him a look of pure misery before knocking back another glass of whiskey. ‘I am not nearly drunk enough to have that particular conversation, Varric.’

‘It doesn’t take alcohol to talk, da’len.’ Solas’ voice was gentle, trying to encourage her to open up to them all.

Only Blackwall said nothing. He had a look on his face which was a cross between sorrow and confusion at his own inner turmoil, silently taking another drink. That the other man hated Cullen was well known.

_Perhaps it’s easier for him to not say anything._

Lea ignored them for a moment, idly stroking an old Ferelden silver whilst staring at the letter, as if it would magically make Cullen appear in front of her. Varric had seen her with the coin almost every moment they had some downtime and was bemused as to its significance.

‘Imshael made me a choice.’ Her low voice was nearly missed by all of them over the chatter of people around them. ‘The demon pointed out a few things that had already been lurking in my mind. Let’s just say this is in everyone’s best interests.’

‘You wasted precious air taking to a fucking Forbidden One?’ Varric was astounded – and beginning to understand why Cadan had looked frightened. ‘That is beyond dangerous! You don’t listen, you kill them or you run away!’

‘Lea, it’s not only improbable about lyrium, it’s impossible! Mages have their own magic –‘. Solas was interrupted by an Inquisitor who was becoming increasingly angry.

‘I know that, Solas! I’m aware of lyrium and how it works. But I have this fucking thing on my hand and that changes everything!’ The green fire flared on her hand again as the sheer frustration of her situation threatened to overwhelm her. ‘We don’t know what this does or how it continues to fuck up my life! And, if there is any chance it will screw up Cullen'ss? well, that is one risk I am not prepared to take!’

‘You still aren’t making sense! The Mark – it doesn’t act that way.’ Solas refused to waver, even in the face of Lea’s increasing displeasure. Not that it would bother the elf either way.

_What are they arguing about? And, what is he hiding?_

‘Just how do you know that?’ Lea had picked up on it too. ‘We know precious little about the magic of the Mark even now.’

‘It is a key for rifts to open and close, that is all,’ he replied, somewhat defensively. ‘And we knew that already too. Besides – what you’re saying the demon told you? It’s simply not the case.’

‘Well,’ she said coldly, standing up and gathering her mail and her bottle, not bothering with the glass, ‘my private life is no-one’s affair but mine. You don’t have to agree with my decision because guess what? It isn’t up to you. Or Cullen, for that matter. No one can force me to be in a relationship. I will not discuss this any further.’

‘And, just so you know. Halam'shivanas? What a crock of shit. There’s nothing sweet about it at all!’

She pivoted on her heel and stalked off, almost shaking with the combined emotions of rage and devastation.

The three of them left were unable to speak, they were so stunned by how incoherent she'd sounded.

‘What was that?’ Varric finally managed to say something to break the heavy silence. ‘She’s clearly spoken to you about something, Chuckles.’

‘She has.’ Solas said no more as he started to get ready to leave. ‘And she quoted at me an Elven expression – the sweet sacrifice of duty.’

‘Well, in that regard at least, she’s not wrong,’ Blackwall noted cynically. ‘There’s nothing sweet about sacrificing your life to duty and nothing else.’

But this is bad! This affects all of us!’ His insistence didn’t seem to get him very far.

‘It is not our business and I will not get involved.’ It was evident that the elf was not going to budge and tell them. ‘What has changed, aside from the fact she decided to end her relationship with the Commander? Does it interfere with her role as the Inquisitor? No. She is still functioning as normal.’

‘Is she really? Did that sound like a normal, rational person to you?’ Varric demanded in disbelief that Solas could just walk away.

‘No, it did not,’ he admitted, standing up and edging out from behind the table. ‘But there is nothing we can do right now. Do you want to be the one to tell the Inquisitor she’s insane?’

Varric watched Solas head off to where they were bedding down for the night before looking at Blackwall. The man was hardly impartial when it came to the Inquisitor, after all.

‘So, fancy a game of Wicked Grace?’ Anything to distract him from the yawning pit that he felt like they were all going to tumble into – a direct result of this crazy behaviour. This would just be the start.

‘Why not?’ Blackwall dug around his pocket for some coin before looking over the far side of the room where Lea was working. ‘So the Inquisitor and the Commander are really no more?’

‘I don’t think it’s quite as straightforward as that. It never is between those two.’

Varric didn’t particularly want to have this conversation either, but it seemed like the night for it. Silently, he dealt out the cards, not wanting to encourage Blackwall on the topic.

His luck wasn’t in.

‘Well, if she says it’s over then I don’t see how you can be any clearer than that.’ He cast a glance over to Lea again, the admiration he still held for the Inquisitor visible for a moment.

_Even after all this time?_

‘Still keeping that candle aflame? I’m surprised it didn’t burn out long ago.’ Varric was in a deliberately provoking mood as he waited to see what response he’d get.

‘I’m not expecting anything, Varric. My life hasn’t allowed for something as rewarding as love in recent years, and I don’t expect that to ever change.’ Blackwall gave him a direct look for once as he discarded a card.

‘So, if I am content to admire from a distance, a beautiful woman who does more for me – for us – than anyone on this earth, that is my perogative and no one else’s.' 

'I’m not blind. It’s clear, even now, where her heart will always lie. It doesn’t mean I can’t be there for Lea though, does it? Certainly more so than that bastard at any rate.’

Blackwall lapsed into silence after such an uncharacteristically long statement. Varric found himself speechless for the second time that evening.

‘Erm, who, or what, do you mean by bastard?’ Thwarted love Varric could do by the cartload. Unrequited love wasn’t  his forte so much. But he'd try.

‘Well, look at her. What kind of moron lets a woman like that just go! What kind of dickhead does that to a woman like that when she’s in the state she was in? He might be a great general but he’s beyond useless when it comes to this.’ He grunted in irritation and censure, scowling at his cards at the same time.

‘Look at the trouble Cullen has caused her over the last year. And here we are, yet again. We’re the ones out in the field with her, seeing what the impact is. Maker’s Breath, this is a bad hand.’ He folded, taking a big gulp of his ale.

‘Well, that’s one way you could look at it,’ Varric replied somewhat hesitantly, not wanting to interrupt Blackwall’s rather fascinating diatribe.

‘It’s the only way of looking at it! He could have picked her up and walked back to the mansion with her to stop her from running off yet again, and what did he do? Let her leave like the idiot he is. And look at the result. One Inquisitor who can’t differentiate between truth and fiction.’ Blackwall looked at his next hand with a look of pure disgust.

The latter bit Varric certainly could agree with. Actually, he agreed with almost all of it. ‘I think it’s going to get worse as well. I don’t know how, I just know it will.’

‘Of course it’s bloody well going to get worse! She won’t talk to the twat she’s supposed to be madly in love with and she won’t talk to her own brothers! How is that remotely normal? There’s a reason she picked the three of us to come along. You for the red lyrium and me and Solas because we hardly ever talk!’

With a long sigh, he put his hand down again and stood up to leave. ‘This isn’t happening tonight for me. I am poor company I’m afraid.’

Varric found himself alone at the table all of a sudden. He could see Lea in the back, steadily working her way through her correspondence and writing report after report. Now wasn’t the time to disturb her.

And he had to concede, Blackwall had a very valid point. There would be trouble later on too, for all of them – and between the two men. It was impossible for something not to happen, given how thoroughly he despised Cullen - especially now.

Thinking of which, the letter in his pocket just had to be read. The letter from Bianca he’d received yesterday, begging him to reply properly, he’d ignored. Just like he’d done all the previous ones.

_Varric,_

_I suppose you realise by now that the Inquisitor believes we both should focus on our duties rather than each other._

_You will also have guessed that I think it’s a load of bullshit. She has been spouting off some crap about magic and lyrium withdrawal, and that she can’t risk how vulnerable she is because she is with me._

_Leaena may not remember how she sounded in Kirkwall, but I do. I recognise the signs of paranoia when I see them and this is the same. Her nightmares cripple her and I believe this is where the problem originates. That desire demon, and Vivienne too, also said something to her which has put us where we are now – in this impossible situation._

_I cannot do what I probably should, which is come to the Emerald Graves and carry her back to Ostwick until she is better. Events are moving at too fast a pace for that to happen and besides, until something full of the Blight dies, her nightmares will continue._

_My next stop is the College of Magi– one of the dukes is being spectacularly unhelpful – and then I will be at the Academie des Chevaliers in Val Royaeux. We have the chance to select from the very best of their new recruits – an unheard-of opportunity that Leaena has ordered me to deal with in person._

_You might wonder why I’m bothering to tell you so much. These are my movements so you know where to find me as she is trying to keep me away. You have to tell me if anything changes, no matter where you all end up – just say the word. I will come for her._

_Much though it is killing me to do it, I think I need to give Leaena some space. If I force it now, things will only make the paranoia worse. She only communicates the bare minimum through letters - anxious that there will be a repeat of before with Ishmael still at large._

_There is no one else I can ask, seeing as she is also refusing to speak to her brothers properly. Watch over her for me, Varric. She is more precious to me than you’ll ever know._

_Cullen_

Varric read the note again then put it away, exhaling slowly.

_Shit._

He was involved, whether he liked it or not – and wondering how long Cullen planned on leaving it before things got too desperate.  . In not wanting to hurt her any further, their Commander was taking a huge risk.

At least it explained why her and Solas had been arguing.

_I’ve never heard such stupid reasoning! What is wrong with her?_

Shaking his head, Varric went through the other letters he’d received. All of them were boring and tedious, related to the family business. The last one, though, was from someone else he hadn’t expected to hear from.

_Varric,_

_You have to find a way to get her back to Skyhold._

_Cullen is functioning, but his health is getting worse. He has nightmares as a result of past events and they have increased tenfold since the Inquisitor left. He's getting almost no sleep. I’m not convinced it’s lyrium withdrawal that’s the problem._

_The Inquisition’s leadership is in serious jeopardy. Do something before this goes too far to be fixed._

_Leliana_

Looking across at Lea again, he saw the exhaustion and pain written all over her face for a moment as she stared at the coin in her palm yet again.

_Great, so it’s up to me?_

He sighed, heaving himself to his feet and hiding the letter away, ready to head into the firing line. 

‘Too much work to do?’ he asked lightly, not wanting to scare her off.

She hesitated before replying, clearly feeling awkward about her outburst earlier. ‘Isn’t there always?’

Gesturing for him to sit, she picked up a letter with a familiar seal on, a proper smile crossing her face for the first time since they had left Halamshiral. ‘Alistair blasted me about putting Gaspard on the throne of Orlais. Or attempted to at least. He doesn’t ever really get mad, unless your name is Loghain or Anora. I’m going to have to go to Denerim once I’ve seen the Emperor, to smooth this over.’

‘Good to hear from him though?’ Anything that removed the stark bleakness from her eyes was a good thing. Alistair's letter seemed to have helped.

‘Always. I don’t have many friends, you know,’ she said haltingly, ashamed by the admission. ‘But Alistair is one of my closest and dearest.’

'He's not your average king is he?' Varric had his own relationship with the King of Ferelden that not many people knew about. 

Except her, of course. 'He's told me of your adventures,' Lea gave a slight smile. 'You do know everyone, Varric.'

'That was one batshit crazy time. Few people can claim a King as a friend. So you can take that as a compliment, Frosty.’ 

Here was his opening. ‘And, you have us. We’re worried about you.’

Another tumbler full of whiskey disappeared as Lea still said nothing. That coin appeared between her fingers again as she toyed distractedly with it, flashing dully in the low light of the tavern area.

‘Lyrium. Magic. They connect. The lyrium in him feeds off my magic. That was what Ishmael said. And that just for starters.’ Lea reached for a drink, by now having worked her way through at least half of the bottle. ‘I’m killing him with his own lyrium withdrawal. He’ll never be free of it for as long as I am around.’

‘Feeds off your – Frosty, that makes no sense!’ Varric couldn’t hide his dismay this time. If she believed this, things were worse than he thought.

‘Then tell me why every time we’re away Cullen has crushing withdrawal symptoms which miraculously get better when we are together again?’ She had her head in her hands, rubbing her temples. ‘Look, it sounds improbable but do you think I want to take that chance?’

All I know is that it’s the key for magic to pass through me to him. And that is what his lyrium responds to.’ Lea seemed to be making a point to herself rather than anyone else. ‘I will not take the chance that I’m killing the man I love! Why is that so hard to understand?’

‘Is that what the demon actually told you?’ Varric prodded Lea’s already flimsy argument further. ‘Because they don’t talk straight. Not from what I know.’

‘Yes – no – that’s not the point! It’s not just about that!’ Her agitation was beginning to bubble over, the hurt and sorrow in her heart evident behind every work she spoke.

_And now we get to the crux of the problem._

_She must know the lyrium and magic thing is lies. Right?_

‘So what is it then?’

‘I can’t fail now. I can’t focus on him and the Inquisition,’ she whispered, staring down at the table. ‘He’s my biggest weakness, something Vivienne used against me, so ruthlessly.’

A humourless laugh escaped her. ‘She may have been a shit mage, but she was the master of manipulation and subterfuge. Look how easily she exploited my emotions time and time again. And Ishmael was able to cut off the connection. You saw it Varric – it sent me crazy for that short point in time. I was terrified and out of my mind. Why don’t people get that I can’t expose myself to the pain of it anymore! I’m not cutting out my own heart for the fucking fun of it!’

There was still something missing from her argument, but Varric was damned if he knew what. Because this all sounded even crazier than before.

‘You know what, if you’d said all of this way back when in Haven it might have been believable. Or even when you became Inquisitor.’ He stared at her, icy fear beginning to set in. ‘But now? It doesn’t make sense. They will come after you one way or another regardless of whether you and Curly are together or not!’

‘For fuck’s sake,’ Lea snapped back, ‘don’t you jump through the most ridiculous hoops to keep Bianca safe? You’ve been at it for fifteen years already! I would have thought that you, of all people, would get it.’

‘She’s got another husband! She ditched our own wedding to go to marry him! She didn’t have the courage to stand her ground and fight for our love! Just like you’re doing!’ He was stung, irrationally, by her comparison.

‘You’re being a coward, Frosty. This isn’t about the greater good for you both. You’re letting the whispers and lies of the enemy get to you – you’re going to let them win!’

‘How am I going to let them win? They can’t do anything to us if we are apart.’ She was looking at him now like she had no clue who was sitting in front of her.

‘Because, this separation is killing you. And him. And not just emotionally. You’re just doing Corypheus’ work for him now.’ Varric heard the harshness in his voice as he watched Lea shutting herself off.

‘And you know what the sad thing is? You guys together – it was a symbol of hope to all the Inquisition. That you made it work, in spite of everything. It wasn’t a weakness to show your love – it was one of our biggest strengths. And you’ve ruined it!

He knew he had overreacted. Lea’s words about his own private life in no way merited the attack he’d launched on an already vulnerable, and possibly quite ill, Inquisitor. But he was tired – tired of these two never seeming to sort it out, frustrated at being stuck in the middle, and tired beyond belief of missing Bianca every second of every day.

It didn’t occur to Varric that it was part of his responsibility to ensure that the Inquisitor was kept safe, not just out in the field, but everywhere. Including finding out why this was happening. His brain conveniently forgot in his need to release some of his own tension.

‘I don’t know how many times I have to repeat to you, Varric, that my personal life is separate from the Inquisition and always will be!’ Her hand smacked the table hard in her anger as her eyes started to smoulder dangerously.

‘No, it isn’t! We’re all bored of you two not getting your shit together, putting the rest of our lives on the line in the process! You won’t even go back to Skyhold, for fuck’s sake! How do you expect to run an Inquisition when you keep running away from the man who leads your armies, much less beat Corypheus successfully? You’re failing us all! And I’m fed up with being stuck in the middle of it all!’

_Crap. Why can’t I keep my mouth shut?_

The eyes that had been smouldering were now blazing with rage. ‘How, exactly, are you stuck in the middle?’

The fight had fled Varric as he realised just how far over the line he’d leapt. ‘Curly asked me to look out for you, that’s all.’

‘Let me guess. To make sure the poor little Inquisitor isn’t going mad? Keeping tabs on my progress and reporting back to Skyhold, are you? Just like before?’ Lea’s voice had gone deathly quiet.

It normally meant that the person on the receiving end was in serious shit. Like him, right now.

‘It’s not like that and you know it! He loves you and he’s worried about you – as we all do.’ He knew it was too late, however, to try and fix the chaos he’d created.

Nothing Varric said would make any difference. The chain of thoughts his reckless words had started in her mind were hurtling so fast, she'd already convinced herself that the worst case scenario was now happening.

He was stunned by her next words.

‘Seeing as you have such little faith in my leadership, Varric, you may depart immediately. I will ask Fairbanks to provide you with an escort. Pack your bags and get out of my sight.’

_Curly is right. She’s paranoid again._

_But this is different - she wasn't so hard before. I guess she hadn't been through quite as much crap back then._

Lea was glacial now, the only emotion visible being in her eyes, burning with white fire. ‘It is up to you if you choose to stay with the Inquisition or not. You will no longer accompany me out in the field, to spy on my every movement and report back to my advisors on my supposed fragile mental state. Nor will I require your counsel any more. I need people I can trust by my side. I thought you were one, but clearly you aren’t.’

‘Inquisitor –‘. Varric didn’t get a chance to say anything as she held up her hand in dismissal.

‘Mark my words. It is over between Cullen and me. Do not seek to interfere in my life ever again.’ She was standing now, her arms folded and her expression unyielding, waiting for him to leave.

_Way to go, Varric. Smooth as ever._

The woman standing in front of him was one he didn’t know. It wasn’t Lea and it wasn’t the Inquisitor. Combined they made one of his closest friends. This was a different beast entirely – one that was being taken over by the torture in her head and was fighting it off the only way she knew how.

Because of his ill-timed and poorly thought out words, she now had one less companion watching her back – the only one, aside from Cullen, who knew what that red shit could do to her. And she was about to walk through a whole region full of it. And, on that thought, he'd be lucky to walk away with his life when Cullen got a hold of him.

Defeated, Varric turned and walked away, horribly mindful that this was the second time he’d failed a friend in need. Hawke had forgiven him. It remained to be seen whether Lea would too.

As he packed his bags to leave, feeling anxiety and stupidity hitting him in waves, little did he realise just how much the argument he’d caused today would come back to bite him so badly in the ass.


	80. A Listening Ear

‘It said what?!’

It was a miracle that Cullen’s furious roar hadn’t shaken the glass in the windows of the War Room.

Leliana was trying her best to remain calm in the face of his rage. She was also trying her best to force the guilt she felt to one side.

The letter responsible for this particular argument was in her hand as she quickly glanced at the contents once more. It wasn’t long but very to the point. Painfully so, in fact.

Well, technically it was the letter she wrote that had led to this reaction, but Leliana was good at blurring the lines of truth when she needed to. Like now.

_Leliana, Cullen and Josephine,_

_It has come to my attention that there is some concern amongst you all about my recent decision making. So concerned, it seems, you find it necessary to ask members of my Inner Circle to spy and report back to you – going so far as to get me to return to Skyhold against my express orders._

_The unwilling bearer of this news is on his way back to you all as I write, and will verify the authenticity of this message. You put Varric in an impossible, unfair position, to the point where I no longer consider him able to carry out the duties I expect of my companions._

_Your interference will cease with immediate effect. I will not hesitate to remove any one of you from your posts if you continue to undermine my authority, and question my capacity to function as the Inquisition’s leader._

_Leaena Trevelyan_

‘I don’t understand. Who else wrote to Varric?’ Josephine looked at them both, her eyes narrowing when she saw Leliana flush red.

‘Yes, Leliana, who else wrote to Varric? I thought we agreed to give it a softly softly approach.’

She hated it when Cullen spoke quietly in that manner. It hinted at making her life impossible in a million different ways if she didn’t give a straight answer. Not that he ever would – in fact he’d be horrified she’d even had the thought. But still, it made her skin crawl.

Right now though, she couldn’t be direct. Everyone was just as worried about him as they were about Lea, and it was for that reason she’d written.

He was pale and drawn, with dark circles under his eyes and he hadn’t bothered to shave for days on end. He’d also lost weight and Leliana had even noticed his hands shake on occasion. Lack of sleep was clearly an issue – she’d had concerned reports from the night patrols of delirious shouts and screams coming from Cullen’s quarters. The soldiers knew they happened – but something that had, in recent months, become a rarity was now nightly.

Whether it was lyrium withdrawal or the nightmare of Ferelden, she had no idea. Cullen was still Cullen, but it was at a heavy cost.

‘Alright! I admit it, I sent another note! They are so close – I didn’t envisage her expelling Varric from the group! But I had to try – and I would do it again,’ Leliana finished defiantly, deciding to resist divulging the exact contents of her communication.

‘Maker’s balls! Do you have any idea what you might have done? She is sick, Leliana!’ Cullen was talking through gritted teeth, trying to control his anger.

‘Varric is the only one aside from me with experience of red lyrium and what it can do – not even Solas has the same knowledge. Until a couple of days ago, she also trusted him implicitly. Take away those two things and it makes her state of mind even worse – and she’s off to the fucking Emprise du Lion which is swimming in the Maker-cursed stuff. Not to mention there’s a desire demon that wants to harm her on the loose!’

‘Well why don’t you go and get her back then, Cullen?’ Leliana retorted, guilt and frustration with the whole situation goading her further into placing the blame on him, rather than on Lea.

‘We are only here, after all, because you let her leave the Winter Palace in the first place knowing full well something was wrong! And now, she’s kicking out companions! Ignoring her own brothers! How much worse will she get before you do something?’

‘Maker take it, Leliana – if I’ve said this once I’ve said this a thousand times!’ Cullen was only hanging onto his temper by a thread. ‘If I’d stopped her, it would have made everything so much worse! Leaena needs space and distance at the moment, not to be pressurised. Look at the result when you and Varric tried it!’

‘I don’t have the same persuasive powers that you do, Commander! In fact –‘.

‘Enough!’ That Josephine, of all people, had raised her voice was enough to make them both stop arguing.

‘The Inquisitor still has two companions with her, plus the usual escort for travel. Her instructions have been concise, and I see nothing in her reports to indicate anything untoward in her behaviour. Her priorities for now are clear – eliminating the Red Templars and initiating peace talks between Orlais and Ferelden. There is no evidence of anything to make us act otherwise.’

‘One of those companions is Solas, who will take care of her,’ Leliana’s remorse was threatening to choke her.

‘Yes, and one of them is Blackwall,’ Cullen looked like he was about to hit something at the thought of a man he despised being closer to the Inquisitor than he was. ‘That doesn’t reassure me in the slightest.’

‘You know what? I am done with this. I depart for Val Royaeux in an hour and I need to get ready.’ His face hard and his eyes dark, his last words made Leliana and Josephine visibly wince at the level of pain within. ‘There is nothing else to say - Josephine is correct. The Inquisitor is still making rational decisions about everything else. It’s just me she doesn’t want.’

Not bothering to say goodbye, Cullen slammed the door on his way out.

Leliana gave a shuddering breath as she sat, needing something to support her legs as her face sank into her hands.

‘Josie, what did I do? Why did I make it worse?’ she moaned, unable to face her friend.

‘Why did you get involved, Leliana?’ Josephine came to sit next to her, no censure in her voice as she questioned her friend. ‘We need to let the two of them sort it out. Cadan and Trystan will deal with things their way too.’

‘Because there is something very wrong which is going to affect us all. And look at the impact it is having on Cullen! It is difficult, to see him being tor- hurt so, yet again….’ She tailed off, not wanting to give any further detail on that part of his life.

‘Andraste help me, I know,’ Josephine sympathised. ‘It’s like watching a ship wreck taking place before our eyes. It is not our affair though, Leliana. Until we have more proof, we cannot act. Let Cullen be for now.’

‘At what point though, does it become acceptable for us to act, Josie? How far down the path do we go? This is not just two lovers falling out. If it affects the Inquisition, we have to do something. We’ve come too far to fail now.’ Leiliana had the hideous feeling that her efforts would not ever be enough.  

‘How is it affecting the Inquisition? Both of them are still the same professionally.  We can’t force Lea to do anything. We’ll talk to Varric when he gets back and take it from there, yes?’ She held out her hand, pulling Leliana to her feet.

‘Now, come with me and let’s get some tea. We will hide this missive from Cadan and Trystan – there is no need to let them know this has occurred.’

Leliana meekly followed Josephine from the War Room, horribly aware that her meddling had made things worse, not better. How she had misjudged Lea so badly she had no idea. What she was certain of, though, was the longer they left this to fester the worse it would be. For everyone. But she was powerless to stop it.

‘Josie – I need to go and speak to Cullen before he leaves,’ she announced suddenly as they were half-way to Josephine’s office.

‘Why are you always such a mother hen with him? I know you are concerned, but –‘, Josephine stopped, recognising the look on Leliana’s face.

There was a reason why she tried to look out for Cullen. The memory of the Templar tortured in his magical cage, yet still having the strength to resist and fight on, was one that would never leave her.

‘He has enough to deal with without me making his life harder. I will come and see you later, I promise.’ Without waiting for a reply and keen to catch him before he left, Leliana made her way to Cullen’s tower.

It was a blustery day, the clouds overcast and the wind bitingly cold as she made her way quickly along the battlements. She didn’t agree with Josephine’s assessment that nothing was wrong – the overcast sky was nothing in comparison to the dispirited mood in the fortress.

People wanted to see their lively, compassionate and inspirational Inquisitor – not this absentee, invisible shadow, disinterested in the very people who had sacrificed so much for her.

There was also anger at how Lea had treated their popular and much respected Commander – rumours flying, as rumours did, about what might have happened for the Inquisitor to put such an abrupt end to the most obvious love match in Thedas. The troops were loyal but, with the wild stories making the rounds, morale was at its lowest since they’d fled Haven.

Leliana and Josephine had sought to contain the whispers, but it was proving impossible. Even worse, Lea simply didn’t seem to care, refusing point blank to come to Skyhold. Cullen was ignoring everything on the surface, seemingly uninterested in the aftermath of the Winter Palace – yet the physical effect alone on him was unmissable.

She was missing something, she knew she was. And that was proving beyond irksome, if not potentially dangerous to them all.

Battling against the gale, head down, she finally made it. She opened the door to the tower with no little trepidation as to the reaction she’d get. Her heart sank further when she saw him, uncharacteristically caught unawares by her arrival.

Cullen was standing, leaning over his desk with both hands, his head hanging in defeat. His whole posture was one of dejection and loss, as if he were grieving. It was a most unwelcome sight for Leliana, who felt a sudden surge of fury at Lea for putting him through this.

_Maker, hasn’t he been through enough already?_

_Why are You still testing him – and in the cruellest way possible?_

‘Are you alright?’ she asked softly, flinching inwardly when he looked up at her, annoyed at the interruption.

‘I’ll be fine.’ His words were curt, embarrassed at being discovered during such a private moment as he stood upright, grabbing some reports and stuffing them in a bag.

‘I came to apologise. I shouldn’t have sent a note to Varric. I was – I am worried about you, Cullen.’

Leliana found, for once, she didn’t know what to say in the face of the overwhelming hopelessness that he couldn’t quite hide from someone like her.

Cullen looked at her with an unreadable expression for a moment before shaking his head slightly and leaning back against the wall, his packing forgotten.

‘I know. And, believe it or not, I appreciate the thought that was behind it. It’s just she’s – Maker, this is impossible.’

‘I’m so sorry. Can I do anything?’ She gave herself a mental slap, irritated for saying something so inadequate.

‘Bring her back here? Safe? With no demons whispering inside her head so she’s normal?’ His short laugh was bitter as he considered the futility of the situation.

‘Demons? What do you mean? Surely she’s not possessed!’ Leliana was suddenly terrified. There had never been any mention of demons before, aside from Imshael.

‘I’ve wondered at the possibility sometimes over these last few weeks. But no, thank the Maker, she isn’t.’ He started rubbing his forehead, then gave up as his headache clearly wasn’t going to go away.

‘Besides, you were right. This is my fault, after all. I should have paid closer attention. I should have stopped her somehow.’

Leliana’s outrage arose anew to see him, yet again, battling the hated memories of the past - but this time, all because of Lea.

‘This is not your fault! The Inquisitor is not the person I thought she was, to have treated you so appallingly. She should not have done this to you – to any of us!’ Her heated words, however, were halted abruptly as he cut across her rant.

‘Imagine, when she comes back to herself, how Leaena will feel about what she’s done? Because I am telling you now, this is not her. And it is that one fact that keeps me going through this madness.’

Not for the first time that day, Leliana winced at the pain in Cullen’s voice when he talked about Lea. But she wasn’t prepared to be as understanding.  

‘How did you deal with it?’ she asked, her tone still hard. ‘Because you made it through without being quite this extreme.’

‘Did I?’ he replied sarcastically, not needing to ask what she referred to. ‘I’d beg to differ. Imagine living in a world of paranoia, trusting no one and believing what you are there to serve and protect is, in fact, your biggest enemy. Every action thereafter, shaped by your warped experiences. That is how I dealt with it. By not dealing with it whatsoever.’

‘Alright. If that is the case, and I’m not prepared to accept that it is yet – what can we do? We can’t leave this, Cullen – there is too much at stake.’ Leliana was, by now, feeling confused and had a headache developing.

He shrugged, clearly reaching the end of his tether, with no answers and no solution.

‘Something is attacking the Inquisition, through her, Leliana. Don’t think I’m not aware of the wider impact this is having – on our reputation, on our troops and followers.’

‘Which is why we have to do something, Cullen!’ Leliana exclaimed in exasperation. ‘You have to go and get her and bring her back before this ruins us all!’

‘Do you want to break her completely? You have to trust me on this. We need to give her space whilst I try and understand what is going on.’ He ran his hands through his hair, bitterness welling up in his voice once more. ‘She should be with Alistair soon, so I don’t have to worry quite as much. She will enjoy being with him for a few days or so.’

The unspoken words, that Alistair might be able to help Lea where Cullen couldn’t, clearly tore him apart all over again.

_If there truly is something wrong with her, it had better be something monumental, to justify doing this to him. And to us._

The only thing keeping Cullen going was his belief that something was happening to Lea, an attack of some sort. Leliana, filled with scepticism, wasn’t prepared to be so forgiving, fed up with the increasingly selfish behaviour of their Inquisitor.

‘How are you coping, Cullen?’ At his gesture of dismissal, it was her turn to force the issue. ‘No – don’t try and deceive me, as you do everyone else. I’ve seen you at your lowest point in Ferelden. I’ve seen you at your best points, saving Kirkwall from madness –‘.

‘You were in Kirkwall, beyond your meeting with Grand Cleric Elthina?’ His complete surprise drove the shadows from his face momentarily.

‘I was. I watched events unfold for the Divine.’ Leliana started pacing the room, thinking of probably useless words that might help him. But she still had to try. ‘The point is, I have known you a very long time, and I’ve seen you somehow deal with the impossible. And here you are again, coping after a fashion, but not coping at the same time. So I ask again – how are you?’

Cullen was rubbing the back of his neck in that unconscious manner he had when he felt awkward, unsure how to reply.

‘Look,’ he said at last, ‘if this is to do with the Inquisition, I assure you I am capable of continuing my duties –‘.

‘Of course you are,’ Leliana interjected. ‘No one is doubting that, least of all me. You know what I’m asking you about.’

He looked at her properly for the first time since she’d entered the room, Leliana trying not to show how upset she was at the stark agony in her friend’s amber eyes. She and the Commander often fought like brother and sister, but whenever someone attacked Cullen, she was always among the first to defend him.

‘I miss her.’ Cullen’s words felt heavy in the stillness of the tower, refusing to dissipate. ‘Every day, I see ghosts of her round Skyhold, laughing, teasing, happy. Loving me. I keep expecting to see her in the War Room, in the tavern or at the training grounds. I feel like I’ve been kicked in my stomach and stabbed in my heart when I realise she’s not there – may not ever be there again.’

‘And at night – well, the nights are the worst. Hours with nothing to do but see her face and remember her voice. Then I dream. Leaena’s here and we’re dancing on that balcony. She’s in the moonlight, looking so perfect, telling me how much she loves me and I want to – I want to –‘. Clearly unwilling to share the memory, he changed to something else.

‘I wake up, not remembering why I am in so much pain, looking for her to talk to. Then it kicks in. After that, it’s an ongoing battle to escape the devastation I feel every waking second of the day. And I can’t go to her until I know how to tackle what she is going through. That kills me the most.’

There was a small tremor in his voice that Cullen couldn’t control, nor did he bother to hide his utter desolation that Lea was no longer his. To be firm in his belief that the woman he loved, more than his own life, was at serious risk had become a form of torture all of its own.

‘I – words are not really helpful to you, but I am so sorry. You have been through so much, and to have this now?’ The anger rose up again inside Leliana, only seeing wilful mistreatment by the Inquisitor of one of life’s most decent and honourable men. ‘All I can say is, there had better be something wrong –‘.

‘Leliana, go easy on her. Please? She isn’t well. Maker knows, this is as far from ideal as we can get. But she’s just trying to cope in an impossible situation.’

Cullen gave a short, joyless laugh. ‘Thinking of impossible situations, I even offered to take lyrium for her. To persuade her to stay seeing as she’s so hell-bent on believing this nonsense that her magic keeps the lyrium within me alive.’

Leliana tried, and failed, to conceal her horror. ‘Cullen – Andraste preserve us, you can’t do that! You’ve come so far!’

_And yet still, he defends her and would drop everything to be by her side in a second – not to mention taking lyrium! Even though she is not worth it._

He acknowledged her words with a nod as a flare of hope sparked in his eyes. ‘Well, that’s when I knew there was a bit of a chance - that maybe whatever is trying to control her mind hasn’t quite taken hold yet. Because I also received a one sentence note today along the lines of your words. It means she still cares.’

Pacing the room, thinking it through more, Cullen became more animated than Leliana had seen him in a month. ‘We have to wait this out, see which way it goes and act when the time is right. She will come back to the Inquisition, I am sure of it. Get Josephine to fob off all those nobles cluttering up the Main Hall and we will do our best to raise morale. Under no circumstances must it be let out that Leaena is ill. We must show no weakness and simply be here for her.’

‘You are asking me to take a lot on faith, Cullen.’ Leliana thought he was clutching at straws and was less than inclined to be charitable. ‘She can’t simply abandon her duties here, let alone do what she’s done to you. By all rights we should be forcing her to come back one way or another.’

‘This isn’t her, for fuck’s sake! Why won’t anyone believe me? We have to give it time!’ he countered, his anger spiking once more. ‘She just wants to kill Corypheus and go home. Is that such a bad goal? All the work she is doing is building up to making that happen!’

Leliana threw her hands in the air, giving up – for now. ‘Very well. We will try it your way. But I expect something to keep the Inquisition people happy. She’s a leader, not just someone we use to close rifts.’

‘Thank you. And – I appreciate you coming. To talk. It helped.’ Cullen then looked down at his bags, and slung them onto his shoulders, ready to leave.

Leliana moved towards the door, opening it for him as they both left his quarters. ‘Perhaps it is best you are heading to Val Royaeux for a few weeks. You’ll have a break from all of this, and Cadan will be there to amuse you.’

‘Cadan’s idea of amusement and mine are not quite the same. But it will be a diversion, if nothing else,’ he agreed, trying to make a joke but sounding weary instead.

‘Did Trystan leave already for Nevarra?’ Leliana was curious to know how Lea’s brother was proceeding with his campaign to win Cassandra’s heart.

‘He did, earlier today – amidst much cursing on his part. I think it was good-natured.’ A proper smile crossed Cullen’s face at that thought, swiftly replaced by a look of anxiety. ‘I simply couldn’t spare the time to go to both….I…..I don’t want to be far. In case anything happens…..’

Leliana stopped, her hand on the door handle, looking a man who had already been through too much to go through even more.

‘Events such as these shape everything – they either make us or destroy us. Kirkwall turned you into who you are now. It was one of your finest accomplishments, standing up to Meredith the way you did, and holding everything together in the aftermath. And here, now, you face an even tougher trial – maybe even harder than Kinloch Hold. I just want to let you know you don’t face it alone. If you need me, for anything, I am here.’

She could think of no other way to support him aside from just being there.

His eyes softened for the first time during the discussion. ‘Just like you were in Ferelden. I have never thanked you for that, Leliana, which was wrong of me. But I am grateful. For then, and for now. More than you will know.’

‘I would do it again, Cullen. Your worth and bravery were apparent, even then. We were doing the Maker’s work that day, of that I am certain. For are you not here, with the Inquisition? Imagine how different your life could have been.’ She gave him an unsteady smile, the unexpected gratitude for her actions with Freya and Alistair on that dreadful day taking her aback.

‘I think about it often. I could have ended up like Carrol - serving Samson. Or being just like Samson. There’s little difference between red lyrium and lyrium when it comes to destroying ones’ mind.’

He exhaled slowly before blinking, forcing the horror of what could have been to one side. ‘But I must go. It was good of you to come and see me.’

‘Andraste guide your travels.’ She turned and walked back out into a blizzard that had come from nowhere whilst they had been talking.

‘Leliana!’

Halting abruptly, Leliana spun round, feeling wretched at the sight she saw.

‘If she returns – or if you hear something. I know you will tell me, but – Maker’s Breath, just let me know.’

The Commander looked more alone than ever, standing in the doorway to the empty, cold room, clinging onto a desperate hope that the Inquisitor might still, against all the odds, return to him.

‘You know I will.’

She sped her way back along the battlements to the rookery, struggling in the face of the winter storm.

_They say it’s impossible to die of a broken heart. After this, I’m not so sure._

In all her years, and in all her travels, she had never seen anyone’s heart literally break before. Not until she’d spoken to Cullen today. She could almost feel the depth of his sorrow and hear the cries deep in the night when he believed he was alone. Tormented whispers that echoed round his quarters, begging Andraste and the Maker to bring Lea back, refused to drift away.

_Of all the people you chose for this, Maker. Why him?_

_And why can I not do anything to make this better?_

As she started to pray for Cullen, Leliana told herself it had to be the wind making her eyes sting. The warmth of her cheeks seemed to have caused the snowflakes to melt as well. There could be no other explanation for the wetness on her face. 


	81. On the Road (art by Gerry Arthur)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My beautiful Lea by [Gerry Arthur](http://gerryarthur.deviantart.com/art/Leaena-573272592)

There was an ache that ran over the bridge of her nose and all down the sides and up round her eyebrows. It had been there for a couple of weeks now and nothing Lea did seemed to get rid of it. As she rubbed the tiny muscles, trying to bring herself some relief, she wondered if she’d cried out all the tears she had these last few weeks - it all felt so impossibly dry.

Blinking, she rubbed the heels of her palms in her eyes, trying to bring back some moisture against the permanent scratchiness that had taken residence under her eyelids. Her hands free of the reins, she adjusted her seat slightly so her horse could still plod along whilst she then clawed at her face, everything feeling scatchy and sore.

‘Are you alright, Inquisitor?’ Blackwall’s voice just managed to reach through the fog in her head.

Lea dropped her hands, looking over at her sole remaining companion with a grimace. ‘It’s my eyes. And my head – it’s hard to see properly sometimes. Difficult to focus my mind. I’ll be fine – I just need to get to Denerim and relax a bit.’

‘We haven’t far to go now, no more than a couple of hours. It’s been a long journey.’ He looked around at the countryside, becoming increasingly populated and the road more crowded as they neared Ferelden’s capital.

‘I appreciate you coming along, although you didn’t have to,’ she replied distractedly, wincing inside as she saw another familiar landmark come into view.

Ferelden was too full of memories of Cullen, even on a dirt-packed road. They’d ridden the North Road a couple of times in happier days, seeing old friends and getting to know each other better. Back when she had been naïve enough to think that love alone would see her through every trial and challenge the Inquisition would throw at her.

_I know better now._

‘You could hardly ride on you own from somewhere as dangerous as the Exalted Plains. How could I leave you? Especially after Solas disappeared like that – and Varric left.’ Blackwall had insisted on escorting her the whole way, claiming the guards alone wouldn’t be protection enough.

‘He was distressed after seeing his friend disappear and I felt bad about insisting he stayed. Besides, this trip doesn’t require much in the way of fighting, well I hope not in the king’s own palace. As for Varric –‘. Lea exhaled slowly.

She missed the dwarf’s company and acerbic sense of humour badly. Not to mention he was one of her closest confidantes, leaving her with no one to talk to. Lea was consumed by guilt and remorse, angry with her advisors for making him try and spy on her. But the voices were clamouring that she could only be with people she trusted and she had to listen to them.

Then Solas had left her too, in the middle of the Exalted Plains, still swarming with bandits and demons even though the Inquisition had done what it could to stabilise the area. She hadn’t wanted to wait for someone to replace Varric, so they’d carried on.

Lea was now travelling with the one man who she had hardy gone near since she became Inquisitor. The irony was not lost on her.

‘Varric will survive. He understands where it all comes from, after all. He’s been there.’ Blackwall’s rather cryptic reply left her feeling confused, as more and more did these days. Just as she was about to question him further, she was distracted, grabbing her reins to narrowly avoid trotting through a flock of sheep being herded across their path.

They continued silently for a while, the rolling countryside and shouts of greeting and camaraderie between travellers reminding Lea she had finally left the Empire behind her for a short time at least.

‘Maker, it is good to be out of Orlais. All that mask-wearing, fakery and flummery wears you down after a while. I like Ferelden. It’s so much more friendly and relaxed. Similar to home,’ she said contentedly, forgetting everything for a second before remembering, the feeling of being punched repeatedly in her stomach returning with force.

A few shaky breaths meant she didn’t at least fall off her horse, blindsided like she was a hundred times a day by what had happened.

He nodded his head in agreement. ‘Ostwick was always closer to Ferelden than some of the other cities. It’s not so far to travel is it? I heard that our port in the Storm Coast has been established so we can travel to the Marches much faster.’

‘Yes, it was finished a couple of months ago. It’s so tempting to slip home, isn’t it? Or do you not visit any more?’ Lea had spent most of the trip trying to get to know Blackwall better and to understand why he was so intent on hiding his identity.

‘I have no family left in the Free Marches. I spent most of my time in Orlais as a hired blade before the Grey Wardens found me.’ And that was that, as Lea had found, coming up against a solid wall every time she enquired more into his background.

She’d failed miserably so far to get anything from him at all. But she realised, to her surprise, that she’d grown to respect and like the quiet, reserved warrior who worked just as hard as anyone to help further the cause of the Inquisition. And he was a fellow Marcher, which helped too.

He still seemed to fancy himself in love with her. Lea could see, though, it wasn’t the sinister and threatening beast she’d imagined it to be now she was out of the intensity of her relationship with Cullen. It was quite easy for her to ignore it so she could hold a proper conversation with him.

_Not that I minded how passionate our relationship was. Now I’ve just got the intensity of sadness all the fucking time instead._

_Andraste save me, will this never end?_

Blackwall had been nothing but respectful, seeming to realise her heart would forever be someone else’s. She did wonder why he bothered, but who was she to judge someone else for their pointless decisions in romance? She’d hardly set a shining example.

The knowledge that Cullen would be hurt and upset that she had chosen to travel with Blackwall, after having promised she wouldn’t, hadn’t escaped her. That she had been left with no choice was irrelevant. Even if, in her mind at least, they were not together any more, it wouldn’t stop his anger.

If Lea dwelt on Cullen any more, she’d lose it completely.

_So what? Everyone thinks I have already. Why not indulge them further?_

‘Have you found it fulfils your expectations, being a member of the Inquisition?’ she asked hastily, anything to divert herself from the one person she thought and dreamed about constantly.

‘It’s been interesting, that’s for sure. I’ve seen places and done things that I would never have imagined. A chance to redeem myself – serve something honourable. No, I can’t complain.’ He then looked appalled at what he’d just said.

Lea, of course, had to question him further. ‘Redeem yourself, Blackwall? What have you done that requires redemption?’ It was the first time he’d let something slip about his background.

‘I wasn’t always a Grey Warden. You know they recruit people from all walks of life.’ He refused then to speak further on the subject. ‘But it has been a privilege to serve by your side, Inquisitor. We could ask for no finer leader.’

‘Really? My understanding was that I’m either crazy or a super bitch. It’s nice to hear something positive these last few weeks.’ Her flippant tone didn’t hide how hurtful she’d found some of the more recent communications and reports on her behaviour.

‘You’re doing what you feel you need to. And you’re getting the job done. Who gives a fuck what other people think? If certain folk think you’re a bitch, well they could come out and support you, where you face danger every day, instead of sitting inside a fortress moaning and getting other people to do their dirty work.’ Blackwall’s face looked like thunder, as if he was thinking of one person in particular. ‘That they haven’t speaks volumes.’

‘Thank you. It is good to have your support,’ she replied, gratified to have some backup from someone in her Inner Circle.

She completely missed the fact that he hadn’t included the word crazy in his statement.

‘You work very hard, Lea. No one realises what you’re going through. It’s easy for people to judge when they have no idea.’ He was looking at her intently, thinking through his words and clearly wanting to convey some sort of message to her.

‘I know you and the Commander….I just wanted to say – I am here for you, Inquisitor. I think you were brave, to do what you did.’ Blackwall looked completely awkward, but pressed on.

‘You must know I am hardly impartial – shit. I know where your heart lies, even now. I don’t think he is deserving of you. He should have helped you more, understood you……urgh. I won’t interfere. I just wanted to say, you have nothing to worry about from me. I would appreciate being your friend.’

He slumped into embarrassed silence next to her, staring straight ahead once more as the lights of Denerim started coming into view in the gloom of the early evening.

Lea was smiling slightly at the stumbling speech Blackwall had just given her. It was heartfelt and sincere, something that had been sorely lacking in her life these last few weeks. ‘I am grateful to have you as a friend, Blackwall. I have too few of those – especially now.’

Her smile faded at her next words, finding it as difficult as ever to mention his name. ‘As for Cullen – I won’t say anything on that except I didn’t do this because I don’t love him anymore. Quite the opposite. Please don’t be angry with him – none of it is his fault. He’s a good man.’

‘I’m sure he is.’ Blackwall’s tone suggested the complete opposite. ‘Doesn’t mean any of this is right. But I will say no more on the subject. Look – we are nearly there.’

‘Will you depart for Skyhold tomorrow? You’re welcome to have a break here if you wish.’ She was relieved at the change of conversation. The last thing she wanted to do was get involved in whatever it was between the two of them.

‘Are you sure you don’t want me to stay and ride with you to Emprise du Lion afterwards? I can –‘. He stopped as Lea shook her head in refusal.

‘I will be fine. It’s not far over the border from Ferelden and I will have the outriders as well. I won’t be alone. If you don’t mind, I’ll give you some instructions to take back for Bull, Dorian and Cole who will meet me there.’

Looking extremely unhappy at that arrangement, Blackwall had no option but to say yes. ‘I will depart early in the morning then. There is nothing in Denerim that is of any particular interest to me.’

‘Not even meeting a king?’ Lea even found herself amused at the look of consternation on Blackwall’s face. ‘I know you are no fan of the nobility but Ferelden’s monarch is somewhat different.’

‘I’ll stay in the stables, thank you, Inquisitor. Far more comfortable.’ It was quite obvious he did not want to meet another Grey Warden in case he was outed, nor one as illustrious as Alistair.

‘He’d agree with you. You know no one stands on formality in this country. Oh – we’re here now.’ Lea felt her spirits lift for the first time since Halamshiral as they trotted through the streets of Denerim, finally having arrived.

\-------

They made it to the gates of the palace, their guards having raised the Inquisition’s flags to grant them unhindered passage through the still-busy streets. It was inky black by now, the only lights visible from the braziers burning round the walls and on the battlements, adding to the murky fog that had settled.

With some relief, Lea slid down from her horse, giving it a quick hug and pat before a groom took the reins and passed her bags to a waiting servant. Blackwall was eyeing up the imposing entrance with some trepidation.

‘You don’t have to sleep here if you don’t want to, Blackwall.’ Lea took pity on him as he was clearly out of his comfort zone.

‘That would be –‘ His reply was cut short by a by ringing, cheerful voice echoing across the courtyard, startling them both.

‘Lea! What took you so long!’ Alistair ran down the stairs, a big smile on his face as he wrapped her in a bear hug. ‘It is so good to see you! Leliana’s message said you might be delayed so I’m pleased you made it in one piece.’

_Maker, I do have a thing for certain blonde Templars. The bitch was right._

_It’s just – these days, this is the wrong one._

‘It is good to see you too, Alistair.’ Lea found herself fighting tears as she plastered her biggest smile possible on her face. It was good to see him, beyond good. But – memories, again, swamped her.

He looked with interest at Blackwall, who was doing his best to fade into the shadows and avoid any scrutiny.

_This is one meeting I did not want to miss._

‘This is one of my companions – the Warden I mentioned. Warden Blackwall, this is King Alistair, a fellow Grey Warden as you know.’

‘So you’re Blackwall.’ Alistair’s surprise was apparent. ‘Duncan – my mentor – spoke of you.’

‘Duncan….of course. Good man.’ If there was ever a vaguer answer to a question than that, Lea didn’t think she’d heard it.

‘I’ll leave you now, Inquisitor. I must check on the horses. Your Majesty.’ With a short bow to the king, Blackwall left them as fast as he could, headed towards where their horses had disappeared to.

Alistair looked after him in anger. ‘Why are you hanging around with someone masquerading as a Grey Warden, Lea, particularly one that Duncan respected so much? By rights I should have him arrested.’

‘You spotted it that quickly?’ They turned to walk up the stairs and into the palace itself as she reassured him. ‘I know it is all very odd, but I’ll vouch for him. There must be a good reason he’s hiding his identity and I hope he will tell me soon enough.’

‘Are you sure? I worry about your safety with someone like that. You should have come with more of your companions than just one,’ he scolded her, waving his guard away as he led her down a corridor to avoid the Main Hall. ‘This way – there’s too many lords around helping themselves to drink and food at my expense. I can’t be bothered to deal with them tonight.’

‘I’m sure,’ she promised. ‘Don’t be concerned about Blackwall. Forget him’

He shot her a slightly exasperated but resigned look before gesturing her forward. ‘I’ll leave it for now if you insist, but against my better judgement. That man has something dark in his past, Lea.’

‘Let’s go somewhere we can speak immediately. I have news that can’t wait.’ It was nice to be back in the familiarity of Denerim Palace.

She’d spent many happy days here with two of her closest friends. It had been a more innocent time, when darkspawn had stopped crawling across the earth and Tevinter magisters didn’t think they were gods.

Now, Freya was gone on her own, almost desperate mission while Lea was stuck with a green flame in her hand she hadn’t wanted or needed, relentless whispers in her head and a shattered heart that would never heal.

That’s a good idea – if you’re sure you don’t want to freshen up? Just come to my chambers. Your rooms are just down the corridor, same as before.’ Alistair gestured her through another door in the maze of hidden passages that were inevitable in a place as old as this.

‘If you don’t mind my being all dusty and travel-worn then no, I’d like to discuss this right now. The sooner we talk, the sooner we can relax.’ The price she had paid at the Winter Palace to secure peace was far higher than she’d ever anticipated.

‘Sit – what can I get you to drink? Usual?’ Alistair walked over to a cabinet, reaching for one of her favourite bottles of whiskey and pouring each of them a glass.

Lea looked round the sitting room she remembered well. Freya’s touch was still in evidence everywhere in the colours and furnishings, even after all these years of being away. It broke Lea’s heart a bit further to see it.

She understood why Alistair hadn’t changed anything, just like why, sneakily, she had filched two of Cullen’s shirts, packed right at the bottom of her bag that she wore to sleep in. Little things bought loved ones just that bit closer, especially when you never knew if you would see them again.

Making herself comfortable in an armchair by the fire, she reached in her pocket to give to him the all-important letter she’d spent weeks riding around to organise, before pulling out a bag of toffee and munching on a piece. Some nights that was all she ate, in a stupid attempt to try and pretend Cullen was still with her, that everything was fine and she didn’t have to be apart from him. She felt pathetic, but so long as no one else knew what she was doing it didn’t matter.

‘If you don’t mind me saying so, Lea, you look exhausted and not yourself.’ Alistair passed her a glass before settling down in the chair opposite her. ‘There is much we need to discuss I know but first – how are you? Truly? I’ve heard things that are bothering me and a lot of people around you.’

Lea swirled the whiskey around in her glass, watching it catch the light of the fire. The amber gold colour, warmed by the flames, reminded her of Cullen’s eyes when he looked at her to tell her he loved her.

_Ouch._

‘Things have been better,’ she admitted quietly. ‘The times we are living through – it isn’t easy on anyone and difficult decisions have to be made. But I am doing what I must, Alistair. Have you ever known me to do less?’

‘No,’ he agreed although he wasn’t done. ‘And I don’t think anyone is questioning the work you are doing. But why are you ignoring your whole Inquisition team - and your brothers? I got an earful from Cadan when he came back briefly about it and what I had to tell you. Which I won’t bore you with.’

‘I can imagine the detail. I am ignoring them because they will force me back and I won’t go. Wait –‘, she held up a hand as Alistair was about to interrupt. ‘I need to do this my way, Alistair. Or I won’t make it through. It is all I have thought about during these long weeks traipsing through the chaos and devastation that is southern Orlais. There’s nothing else to say.’

‘Alright,’ he said unwillingly. ‘I’ll leave it for now. Just so you know, though, I will be writing to Skyhold to confirm that I’ve seen you in one piece and you are alive.’

‘I expected that you would,’ she gave a small smile as she pushed the letter across the table. ‘Now, read this before we talk about anything else. Anyone calling me mad, blind, dumb, whore or whatever – I can deal with it. It’s worth it for what’s in that letter alone.’

He raised his eyebrows, curious to know why she was so intent on this one letter. ‘What is it? Promises of a thousand virgins? A year’s supply of Orleisan lace handkerchiefs? Freya would like that – wait a minute…..’

Alistair stared at her, shock and a hint of anger in his eyes. ‘Lea, this is Gaspard’s seal! That was the other thing I wanted to talk to you about – why in the Maker’s name did you put him on the throne! He’s been rattling his sword at Ferelden more years than I can count, not to mention being a leading part of the invasion last time his Chevaliers fancied the taste of Ferelden steel!’

‘Did you fancy Celene trapping you into marriage somehow? Or to have a whole network of Elven spies in your palace reporting your every move back to Orlais, waiting for another chance to strike? Gaspard is at least direct and honest about his intentions. With those two, you’d have had your kingdom whipped out from under you one way or another. Just read.’ She wasn’t bothered by Alistair’s reaction, which would change once he read the contents.

Lea watched him silently as he broke open the seal and started to read. There was no doubt that Alistair was, with one notable exception, the most handsome man of her acquaintance. They both had that same type of authoritative demeanour that men used to being in command had. Not to mention the same strong, powerful build. And tall. She’d forgotten how tall Alistair was.

Once upon a time, she would have been sat here pining for the king she’d never be able to have. Now all admiring Alistair did was remind her of just how badly she missed Cullen, which was a thousand times worse.

_How Freya can stand to be away from him for so long…..this must be killing her slowly too._

‘Lea, this is quite extraordinary,’ he said slowly as he scanned through the contents quickly. ‘Peace with Orlais?’

‘Gaspard asked that I bring it to you in person. It’s why I had to go to that pit that is the Exalted Plains in the first place,’ she explained. ‘He wanted someone trustworthy and impartial, if you can call me that, given the relationship I have with you both – you in particular. It was a condition of my support for his bid for Emperor, that he drop any notion of invasion, but he had already decided that Ferelden is not worth expanding into.’

‘Already his forces are marshalling along the Tevinter border. It’s freed my armies up along our border with Orlais, thank the Maker. There’s so much I need to do still to bring this country back to what it was.’ Alistair glanced back at the letter. ‘Talks will be hosted by the Inquisition? That’s something I can live with. It will take months though, Lea – the teryns will have plenty to say about this given most of them fought in the last war with Orlais. Don’t expect a quick solution.’

‘We aren’t. But the fact that both nations are even prepared to talk is all I’m asking for. And, I think you might even end up liking him. He took me quite by surprise – Gaspard can’t abide the Game for one thing which was a huge bonus. Can I get you another one?’ She popped another piece of toffee in her mouth before heading over for another drink.

A look of worry crossed Alistair’s face that she missed, her back turned to him. ‘You drank that rather quickly, didn’t you? I’m afraid my days of drinking like Oghren are long gone.’

‘Just a bit more. I like the odd glass or two before bed,’ she said lightly, deliberately pouring herself a larger glass than before and taking a large gulp so Alistair wouldn’t see how much she'd had. ‘Josephine is going to be in touch with everyone about setting up the negotiations, somewhere neutral which makes sense…..’

Her breezy chatter as they both started to outline the talks belied the agony that seemed to undulate in a permanent rotation from the pit of her stomach right through her chest and up to her throat.

These days, getting drunk was the only chance she had of numbing her soul and battling the nightmares. Even that method was beginning to fail her.

For now, she didn’t want to think about the long night ahead. She would lie as she had done every single night since Halamshiral, staring at the wall or the ceiling, her mind replaying over and over again the memory of Cullen’s face, filled with pain and disbelief as she told him she could no longer be with him.

_Oh, and betrayal. Don’t forget that._

_Bravo, Lea. You deserve every name you’re being called, and then some._

She didn’t dare question whether she had been right. The voices told her she had been. She could only trust herself now - everyone else was too intent on seeing her fail.

 


	82. Dreams and Broken Hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mention of non-consensual acts and paranoid delusions are below.

‘My dear Inquisitor, haven’t I got just the treat for you today,’ Vivienne purred in her ear, raking one nail so hard across Lea’s stomach she felt blood starting to drip down.

‘I know how much you like to see this particular person so I arranged something special for you.’ The other woman prowled around her, a knife flicking upwards as she starting to carve something into the side of Lea’s stomach.

She bit her tongue hard, refusing to give Vivienne the pleasure of hearing her cry out loud. ‘You are Tranquil. None of this is real,’ she managed to gasp out.

Her wrists and ankles were in agony from the pressure of her weight pulling against the bindings. She was tied upright in shackles against the wall, her arms and legs outstretched with her body naked and shivering away from the cold stone. Red lyrium glowed all around her, the usual wails and groans from the victims being farmed echoing off the walls.

Except this time, the location was different. This wasn’t Redcliffe. These were the dungeons at Skyhold.

‘Of course she’s not Tranquil, Lea! You are slow on the uptake aren’t you,’ Samson appeared in front of her, pulling her right nipple so hard with his gauntleted hand the skin cracked open, all while Vivienne carried on slowly with a knife etching something into her side.

Tears of pain were pouring down her cheeks but she refused to acknowledge them. ‘Fuck off, Samson. We’ve been over this a hundred times. This is the Fade and none of this is real.’ It had to be.

‘Isn’t it? Vivienne, dear, are you not here with us?’ He looked at Vivienne’s handiwork on Lea’s side, the blood running down her leg now, ticking her as it dribbled between her toes.

‘I am indeed, and so looking forward to what we have for Andrate's Herald today. How did that work out for you anyway?' Her voice oozed sarcasm as she stepped back. ‘There. Call it a permanent tattoo to remind you, my dear. You may thank me later.’

‘You are Tranquil. So none of this is real.’ She kept repeating the mantra to herself, her mind drifting away from the pain to a happier place.

Except there was no more happy place. She’d left Cullen. There was no right for her to think of him in that way any more.

Lea was fighting vomiting, the reek of the red lyrium becoming almost too much for her. Both Vivienne and Samson’s eyes were manically glowing red as they stared at her hungrily, like they couldn’t wait to feast on more of her misery.

‘I am very, very real, Leaena. If you wanted to be sure I was gone, you should have chopped off my head. I’m so glad you didn’t. Red doesn’t really suit me nearly as well as it does you.’ She let her fingers run over the cuts she’d made to Lea’s side, the slight salt and friction making her gasp in sudden agony.

‘See, this colour.’ Vivienne held up her fingers for Lea to see, coated in her own blood. ‘Won’t you take a look at what I made for you?’

‘You’re a fucking prize cunt, Vivienne, with about as much magical ability as the nugshit you permanently spout. I have nothing further to say to you.’ She somehow found the saliva to spit fully in the woman’s face.

It was worth it for Vivienne's look of fury, just before Lea’s world went black for a second, stunned by the force of the blow across her face. She kept her eyes closed, battling wave after wave of nausea that refused to subside.

‘Vivienne.’ A deep voice bought images of toffee and whiskey to her mind, making her heart dance and her body start to heat involuntarily. ‘Haven’t I warned you before? Next time I will return the favour and you’ll find my fist far less forgiving than Samson’s.’

A gentle, light touch soothed where the handle of the knife had connected with her skull, before slowly stroking her face. ‘Leaena, look at me. It’s going to be alright, I promise.’

_He would never lie to me._

She opened her eyes, the beloved face she missed so badly during the day in front of her, coming in to kiss her lightly on her lips.

‘Cullen, don’t leave me, I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault.’ She moaned softly as he kissed her properly, all thought of her surroundings forgotten at the sheer bliss of feeling his lips on hers once more.

_But the taste…._

‘Why did you do this?’ she whispered, staring at him in horror as he stood back, his eyes glowing more red than anyone else’s. ‘You promised!’

‘You left me, Leaena, I had no choice. This was all that restored me. Wouldn’t you prefer I was alive, rather than dead?’ Cullen’s hoarse, breathless voice was filled with lust and anger as his eyes seared a path of red flames though her, setting her soul on fire.

‘You didn’t think your little Inquisition could work, did you, Lea?’ Samson smiled cruelly as he stood with his arms folded, waiting eagerly for the next round of humiliation to be inflicted on her.

‘This is the Fade, this is the Fade, this is the Fade….’ Lea was manically repeating the words over and over, her head turned away from the three of them, trying to hide her fear that they were right.

Suddenly, cool, firm fingers forced her face around as he bit down on her neck.

‘I want a show,’ Cullen whispered in her hear. ‘You know how much I like to watch, Leaena.’

‘No, no, Cullen, don’t, I’m sorry, please don’t, please stop…’

His hands were gently sliding over her body, making her dizzy with yearning even as her mind was repulsed by the distorted look in his eyes.

‘Vivienne,’ he murmured, as the hated face from her past appeared at his shoulder, ‘Why don’t you warm her up for me?’

‘What?’ Lea looked up as Cullen stepped back, her body bereft because he’d moved away yet sagging with relief against her bonds at the same time.

Samson had a look of unbridled desire on his face that made her want to vomit as he leered at the two women so close together.

‘Fucking pervert!’ She shouted, anger covering up her terror to some extent as Vivienne stared at her, revenge written all over her features. ‘Red lyrium stole something else from you, didn’t it? Is that all you can do now, watch?’ 

‘Oh, screaming is good, Lea. He is our creature now. It doesn’t matter what you do, you will not win this battle. You’re powerless to stop us.’ Samson chuckled as she started to scream louder in absolute horror and disgust at what happened next.

Vivienne suddenly put two fingers between her legs, roughly probing her entrance, the sting of nails scraping the super-sensitive skin deliberately to hurt her. ‘Cold as ice, in more ways than one, aren't you?’

Lea was doing everything she could to twist away as she continued screaming, her bindings pulling so tightly against her skin the circulation was cut off from her wrists and feet. A trickle of blood ran down her thigh, the heat at odds with the deep chill now within her body.

‘Stupid bitch! This is everything you deserve and more! I haven’t even started yet!’ Vivienne hissed at her as the nails from two fingers squeezed Lea’s nipple hard, making her eyes water and go blind from the intense agony.  

All of a sudden, the pain stopped as Vivienne was literally flung away from her, crashing against the other side of the prison wall, yelping in anger and discomfort as she staggered back to her feet.

‘I warned you, Vivienne,’ Cullen snarled in anger. ‘She is mine. Stay the fuck away unless I tell you otherwise. That was not what we agreed.’ 

‘I’m sorry, my lady,’ he said, so gently Lea almost thought he was himself again. ‘She wasn’t supposed to hurt you that much. There’s no finesse in Vivienne whatsoever.’

Cullen’s fingers wiped away her tears as he kissed her bruised and bloodied nipples and found a cloth to wipe her thighs. ‘Take a look at what is carved on your side. I won’t let her hurt you if you do.’

Unwillingly, she forced herself to look at the crusted and still bleeding letters all the way down the left side of her body, over the scar that the Aspect of the Nightmare had left her.

‘No….’ she sobbed. It was the initials of every single member of her Inner Circle and advisors. All except Cullen.

‘We know you miss them, so this is a memorial for you. They died for you. In vain.’ Samson’s grating voice hit home as she stared at each one, another reminder of her failure.

‘You were going to do the same to me, you fucking whore.’ Vivienne reminded her venomously. ‘Remember? The initials of everyone who died because of me? I could carry on with you for years, my dear. All those lives lost. Because of you.’

‘Lea……..’

‘I’m still here, Leaena.’ Cullen came to stand in front of her, his eyes glowing bright red, cupping her face with his hands. Anguish and horror had made Lea incomprehensible. ‘I won’t leave you. I did this, ate the red lyrium all of this for you. Why aren’t you pleased? We can be together now, forever.’

‘I can’t, Maker, I failed, please, stop, make it stop ………’

‘Lea…….Lea…….’

‘Andraste save me, please……I love you! I didn’t mean it, I’ll come back……please don’t….’

‘Lea! Wake up, for the love of the Maker!’

She sat bolt upright in bed, screaming, going to clutch her burning side, the stench of red lyrium still in her nostrils and the darkness of the room tinged with red.

Looking around her wildly, she realised someone had a hold of her arm. It took a moment for her eyes to adjust and see Alistair there, kneeling anxiously by her side.

‘Candle,’ she gasped, managing to stop the screams. ‘Fucking candle!’

‘Here,’ he passed it to her as she held it right up to his face, searching his eyes for that tell-tale glow.

The room started to focus around her and the red tinge disappeared.

There was nothing in Alistair’s face apart from worry and confusion. No red.

‘So this is what he meant,’ he murmured to himself, so quietly Lea almost didn’t hear him.

‘You’re not – you’re not…..you’re you,’ she whispered, shaking as he gently took the candle from her and put it to one side.

‘Eamon might just prefer it if we didn’t burn down the castle. And yes, I am me, last time I checked anyway.’ He gave her a slight grin, attempting to distract her. ‘Were you expecting someone else? Milkman, tailor, dance instructor? The dashing knight already arrived to save the day, as you can see.’

That comment alone, delivered in his usual lighthearted fashion, went a long way to making Lea realise she was out of her nightmare and back in the real world. Her head was pounding and she was drenched in sweat as she put her head into her hands, shaking uncontrollably. She might have been awake but the images of Cullen and Vivienne – she couldn’t contemplate the horror of the thought.

‘Lea, talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.’ Seeing she was shivering, her teeth chattering as she clutched her arms around her stomach, Alistair sat on the bed and put an arm around her, drawing her to his side.

_Cullen can’t be near red lyrium, he can’t be near red lyrium ever ever…..never red lyrium, I most stop him…..I must stop this…._

Lea vaguely felt the warmth of his body and leant against him, starting to cry into his shoulder when he put both arms round her for a hug. Her mind was in total disarray, everything in a thick red fog, her thoughts firing in random patterns, only just managing to keep her magic under control.

It was the first time anyone had held her remotely close like this since she’d last seen Cullen. She badly needed the comfort of someone she trusted, to remind her the nightmares weren’t real and to convince her she was on the right path – that she could somehow save the world and keep Cullen safe at the same time.

This was the only way she could think of that would protect him from Samson and lyrium, no matter what colour. That he could succumb – could go back to that life or accept a fate worse than death, was driving her paranoia and fear to a level she had never experienced before.

‘What have they done to you?’ Alistair whispered, still holding her violently shaking body, reaching an arm down to move her arms from their death grip round her waist and put them round his instead. ‘Just grab hold of me tightly, like – there you go. Good girl.’

He said nothing for a while, just hugging her and stroking her hair as he waited for the violence of her reaction to the nightmare to fade. Sobs were racking her body as her tears wouldn’t stop. Lea had done a whole lot of crying, but she hadn’t allowed herself to let go like this since that fateful night at the Winter Palace.

After a while, slowly the uncontrollable tremors started to lessen. Her breathing changed from incoherent gasps for air to a more regular pattern. Dimly she also realised she’d soaked Alistair’s shoulder with her tears.

‘I’m sorry,’ Lea managed to get out, her voice raspy and her throat hurting.

Her head was resting on Alistair’s shoulder and for the first time in weeks, she felt a bit more secure and safe. He smelled nice too, all citrusy and fresh. Not Cullen, of course, but still really rather pleasant.

_Freya must miss this. He must miss her so much._

_How do you keep remembering the simple pleasure of just holding someone, after so many years of being apart?_

Alistair kissed the top of her head, before giving her a quick squeeze of reassurance. ‘Sorry why? I’m just glad you sound a bit more normal again.’

‘I made your shirt wet.’ She suddenly realised she was sitting in bed with her arms round the waist of the highly attractive King of Ferelden, wearing Cullen’s shirt and not much else, able to feel every well-defined, hard muscle in his stomach, chest and body that was pressed up closely against hers.

He had clearly dressed in a hurry, just wearing breeches and a shirt hastily pulled on. It never entered her head that it was inappropriate in any way. It was Alistair, one of her best friends.

_A year ago this would have been heaven._

_Not that it’s bad now but, well - how times change._

‘I have others. Don’t worry. How are you feeling?’ He had been rubbing her back, she realised, his hand making a circular motion that was surprisingly soothing.

‘A bit more normal. That is nice with your hand, by the way. I’m a sucker for a good massage.’ Lea could feel the tension slowly leaving her muscles, enjoying the feeling of someone else looking after her again, even if just for a few minutes.

‘Freya likes it. I should quit my day job and open up shop somewhere, although I’d have to be quite discerning about my clientele – what do you think I was suggesting! Maker’s Breath woman, your mind is in the gutter!’ He was smiling as Lea gave a shaky laugh, relaxing a little more.

‘She gets nightmares too,’ Alistair continued, somewhat more subdued. ‘We both do, even now. When we were trying to end the Blight, they were particularly severe. She’d wake the camp screaming blue murder, just like you did. I always managed to avoid that reaction. I just went out of the tent and vomited a few times before going back to sleep.’

His head dropped to rest on top of hers, letting his right hand work out a few more knots in her back. ‘Except I hope you aren’t seeing a huge ugly purple archdemon rampaging through Ferelden with its darkspawn horde in hot pursuit. I’d have some rather urgent questions for you then.’

‘No, thank the Maker.’ There was no hiding the sadness and fear in her voice. ‘My demon comes in an altogether different package. It glows red for added special effect.’

‘A demon that glows red? Sounds like something Morrigan would send me for Midwinter. It would be just as unpleasant as her too. Actually, I’d prefer the demon any day.’ Alistair's hand then caught hers, feeling how icy cold her skin was. ‘This room is freezing. Let me go and get a better blanket for you. And, Lea are you eating properly? Because you are thin – I can feel it right here.’

‘Oh! That’s ticklish Alistair! You could have just asked me to move.’ He gave her an unrepentant grin, having just run a finger up her spine that made her giggle and sit back, feeling physically almost back to normal.

Lea pushed the hair out of her eyes, wistfully missing the luxury of being held by someone who cared for her. ‘I could eat. But what at this time?’

‘Being a king has a few perks, you know, like ordering food any time I want – is that Cullen’s shirt? Or have you taken to stealing some other man’s wardrobe?’ A look of understanding was in his eyes even as he teased her about it.

‘I – ‘. Her shoulders slumped as she leaned forward, feeling dejected and lonelier than she’d ever experienced all over again. ‘It brings him closer.’

‘You are going to tell me what happened, Lea, because I cannot understand for the life of me what has gone so badly wrong. Wait a minute – I won’t be long.’

At his departure, she shivered again. Ferelden palaces were notoriously cold and dank and this one was no exception, particularly if one was more than five foot from a fire. She waved her hand at the fireplace to get some heat going again.

Alistair had only been gone two minutes and the relentless voices had already started in her head again. Her whole body was tingling with heightened anxiety and a warped awareness as she considered the messages sent to her from her latest nightmare. Everything was still the same. Except she now needed to make sure Vivienne was executed.

_Tranquil – the Rite can be reversed. I am a fucking idiot a thousand times over. Why didn’t I just kill her when I had the chance?_

No one would listen to her if she sent a message. They’d just think she was mad. There had to be another way. Fixated on how she could resolve this latest problem, Lea scribbled down notes to herself to deal with in the morning, then climbed back into bed, feeling the chill of isolation creep underneath her skin once more.

With Alistair, she was able to relax for the first time since leaving Cullen’s side. Until he’d held her and tried to help her recover from her dreams, she’d not been aware of the sheer level of stress her body had been under. Her shoulder muscles still ached and the headache she’d had permanently for weeks had disappeared momentarily when Alistair had rubbed her back.

_Maker, that felt good. Almost as good when Cullen does it. All that is gone now._

Just as she was wondering how Alistair had been able to hear her screams and be with her so quickly, he slipped back into her room once more, his hands full with a huge woolly something in his hands and a sandwich for her to eat.

‘Sorry, that took a bit longer than I was expecting – Lea! you’re shivering! Come here.’ Without asking, he came to sit next to her, wrapping them both up inside the blanket. He then put his arm back round her shoulders once more, pulling her right up against him.  

‘I didn’t even realise I was cold. I do now I’m warmer. Thank you.’ She sighed softly, leaning against his chest and chewing on a sandwich that tasted of sawdust as they both sat back against the pillows. Food had lost all its flavour a long time ago

‘Put your feet underneath my legs to warm up – Maker, I can feel them through the cloth! Is that better?’ Alistair positioned her feet under his thighs so they could heat up.

They said nothing for a few minutes whilst she ate, Lea certainly was feeling a bit more peaceful. Rational thought was normally something that eluded her at night nowadays, but the fog in her brain had cleared slightly and the frantic need to try and kill Samson and kill Vivienne before they hurt Cullen had subsided. 

Alistair gave a quiet sigh as she sat back against him, her food finished, absently playing with her hair. It was as if she could sense the waves of his own desolation, perhaps even deeper than her own. It wasn’t just Lea who was drawing some solace in being held too. When she’d asked after Freya earlier, he’d brushed the question aside – but not before she’d seen shadows rapidly appear across his face.

She sat up to ask him something, noticing distantly how his eyes always reminded her of caramel.

Then Lea wondered why she assigned her favourite sugary foods to various parts of beautiful men.

_Just like Cullen and toffee, and how when he gives me that special smile there’s a certain hot pudding from Ostwick which is chocolate…._

‘Lea? Andraste save me, what were you just thinking about? I’ve never seen anyone look so sad. Actually, I do know.’ Alistair touched her face lightly with his fingers, his eyes reflecting her own sorrow.

‘I could say the same about you too sometimes.’ She was chewing on her lip, missing Cullen so badly suddenly she could barely breathe. ‘And I know you know. How do you endure it Alistair? And for so long?’

‘I don’t know.’ He was so quiet it was almost a whisper of pain. ‘I don’t know if she’s coming back. She was meant to have written by now – meant to have told me what the latest was but it’s been weeks and weeks…and already it’s been so many years. Some days I find it easier than others to deal with. Today is not one of them.’

‘No, don’t say that. If anyone can make it through all of it, then it’s Freya. Don’t give up now.’ She returned his hug, wishing there was a way she could help her two friends more.

Lea said nothing, just letting him talk. Not for the first time that day the wave of powerlessness flowed over her, that events were happening beyond her control. 

‘Sometimes I just – it becomes too much. It was good to have you arrive actually, a distraction from permanently worrying about her. It’s all I can do to not ride off into the Deep Roads, just like my father did. I know where she is – I need to find her.’ He shifted his weight to allow her to lean against him better.

‘Warmer? Good. I have this annoying thing that I sometimes have to wear which prevents me from doing so. A crown is a burden I curse on a regular basis ever since Freya left me. Who knows how different things would have been if we could have carried on as Wardens together? Maybe even worse. But I miss that life sometimes.’ He was contemplative, his sadness still prevalent as he spoke.

She lifted her hand, showing the green flame dancing brightly in the dark. ‘This is my anchor, literally. It has condemned me to a life I realise now I do not want. I’m lucky I suppose. I have every intention of going home after we are done. You don’t have that luxury – and maybe you wouldn’t have with the Wardens either.’

‘You want to go home?’ Alistair sounded curious as to her decision. 'I thought you enjoyed what you did.'

‘I'm an accidental leader, Alistair. All because of some green fire in my hand that isn't meant to be there.’ Lea was emphatic with this decision, at least. ‘The Inquisition will have done what it needs to. I thought at one point it was what I wanted, but I find now that I am ill-suited to it. Cadan did right to stand up to our father. Besides, falling off a fortress and hurtling towards what should have been certain death gives you some perspective on life.’

‘I don’t know if it will be as easy as you think to walk away,’ he cautioned. ‘But I find myself envious that you have the choice. When Freya declared me king in the Landsmeet I nearly fainted.’

She couldn't help but smile at the thought. ‘I don’t believe it. Didn’t you fight Loghain and win as well?’

‘Well yes, of course. Wily sodding traitor that he was. One of the most satisfying moments in my life was taking the head from his shoulders. But it was still a shock, to know how much my life was going to change. Anyway, enough about that.’ Alistair changed subject abruptly, clearly not wanting to talk about it further.

‘Tell me, Inquisitor, and I’m not taking no for an answer. What happened in Halamshiral that now finds you being consoled by me rather than your Commander, the man who should really be here?’

‘If I tell you, please don’t immediately have a go at me. That’s all anyone has done, either by letter or verbally. Because breaking up with people never happens without your whole team’s prior approval first, it seems. And makes me a callous, unfeeling bitch for doing so.’ Her words were full of cynicism as she thought about the recent barrage of uncomplimentary communication, all placing the blame on her. ‘I am definitely _de trop_ at Skyhold right now.’

‘You’ve spent way too much time in Orlais if you’re dropping fancy words like that into everyday conversation,’ he replied lightly, Lea able to hear his voice vibrating through his chest, mixing in with his heartbeat. ‘And I am well aware of what is being said, as you know and I know you aren't a bitch. I’m not here to judge you, Lea. Just to listen.’

‘I guess you know the detail? Desire demons older than the Tevinter Imperium stalking the Royal Quarters, power-hungry First Enchanters allying themselves with Celene and Corypheus, just in case one side failed? It gave me so much pleasure to wrong-foot that fucking slag. She didn’t see Gaspard managing to win on the night did she?’ Her voice shook with the intensity of her fear once more, remembering Vivienne in the nightmare that was still fresh in her head.

‘It’s alright,’ Alistair hugged her closer as she suddenly realised it wasn’t just her voice shaking. ‘I know all of this. So what's going on in amongst all of that to make you leave Cullen? What’s happening to you, Lea?’

‘Pins and needles. That’s what’s immediate. They are nice and warm now – I’m sorry for freezing your legs.’ She managed to tuck her fet under her, wriggling her toes to bring back the circulation as she settled back down against his side.

The tightness across her chest became more intense. Lea struggled to find the words to explain the sheer terror she felt that, because of her, Cullen might die.

‘I have nightmares as you clearly can tell. For some reason, my mind is pulled into the Fade. I’m surrounded by red lyrium and it, without fail always centres around Cullen joining Corypheus and taking red lyrium. As to what happens – well, it’s a variety of fun and games in my head. It’s been happening for a few months now and it’s to the point that they come every night. I can’t sleep much at all without being visited maybe two or three times. They were b-better before I left but it’s worse now.’

_Because I was with Cullen. And now I’m not I feel like I’m going insane._

Just talking about it made Lea feel exhausted. She couldn’t remember what a good night’s sleep was any more. It was a craving she had, the need to close her eyes and drift off into oblivion. But not even Solas’ potions helped. The Fade, sickly green and red, always appeared in her mind, stinking of corruption.

‘You also know red lyrium is tainted with the Blight?’ She felt him tense instinctively at the mention of what he himself carried. ‘You know that gross darkspawn smell?’

Alistair nodded. ‘The one that makes you want to chop off your nose and plug it with onions to make the stench go away? I know it all too well.’

‘That’s the one. I can almost always smell it now, even during the day. It clings to me like a leech. But I am digressing. That’s the nightmares. They are so virulent I even tried to kill Cullen after one.’

‘I heard about that too. I’m sorry.’ His hand, running through her hair almost rhythmically, was making it easier for her to speak.

‘That’s one part. The other part is when we went to rescue Cullen from Imshael, the desire demon. You know – yes, of course.’ She felt resigned. Her twin knew everything – almost. ‘Cadan is efficient. Well, did he tell you that the demon stopped time so he could offer me a choice? That’s its thing. Of course, if you choose your heart’s desire the cost far outstrips the reward.’

‘No – that was something that Cadan didn’t say. I shall chastise him roundly for it.’ A note of something had entered his voice now though – concern. ‘And that sounds rather horrendous. I don’t know why Cullen didn’t stick the correct end of his sword into the monstrosity many times over.’

‘He would have, but it managed to escape. I had a conversation with it. Only Cullen knows the exact detail, and now, you.’ she whispered, chills making her shakes worse as she remembered Imshael’s prophetic statements.

‘It said that I am causing Cullen’s lyrium addiction to continue. That the lyrium in him feeds off me. I am a walking vial of the blue stuff that is apparently irresistible, essentially. It also echoed what I have felt for so long – that my enemies exploit me because of how I feel, because I love him. And that is my greatest weakness.’ Her voice was dull as she relayed back the essence of Imshael’s words.

‘Maker’s Breath. I won’t – keep talking, Lea.’ Alistair had clearly forced himself to not tell her off as he'd promised. 

‘I – he – I’m just terrified, Alistair, about the lyrium. It could all be complete crap – and everyone tells me it is – but I can’t take that risk, not until all this is over. I need to be certain that it isn’t me. When Cullen said at the Winter Palace he’d take it again just to be with me I freaked out. It frightens me, that he could lose himself in that madness. I remember the Templars, as their minds started to go…...’ she stopped, not needing to explain to Alistair, of all people, the ravages of prolonged lyrium use.

‘But I have this fear, that he will be dead because of me. It’s a doom. It sounds ridiculous, but I can’t shake the belief I have that if we are together he will die and the Inquisition will fail. This is the only way I know how to get through to the end as fast as possible so we can all go home – and maybe Cullen and I can be together once more. Nothing matters if I can’t put an end to this crazy Tevinter darkspawn’s delusions of grandeur. So I had to end it. I've never done anything harder than that in my life.’

_Don’t tell him about us, Lea. We’re just for you. Here for you. Cullen would make us go away if you saw him again._

Lea said nothing more, biting her tongue hard. The voices whispering softly to her for months now had become louder and more insistent, reassuring her she was doing the right thing. The fewer people there were involved then the easier it would be. Especially Cullen. She had to protect him from this….whatever it was in her mind.

_Andraste protect me, make this stop, make the noise stop, please….._

‘I understand your desire to not have any harm befall him, believe me. It’s what we do for those we love.’ Alistair exhaled slowly, confusion underlying his words as he forced himself to not mention anything further. ‘I miss Freya every moment of every day. The feeling of watching her leave and ride off out of the gate – I turned to stone inside. It was either that or beat my head against the wall or chop off an appendage somewhere to try and stop the pain. Don’t you have the same?’

‘Of course I do!’ Her voice cracked as she sat up, her arms clutched round her waist once more, finally breaking as panic all of a sudden engulfed her. ‘It never stops, the guilt, the fear, the insecurity of doing the wrong thing. That no matter what I do it will see him, and millions, dead? They never stop, it never stops…’

Lea’s hands flew to her head, pulling at her ears and running her fingertips hard through her scalp, the whispers becoming louder and louder as she tried to make them stop, fighting to reclaim control of her mind.

Gasping for air, feeling like she couldn’t breathe, she sat upright frantically, away from Alistair’s protective presence. She needed to escape from the relentless noise she couldn’t turn off in her mind, words, sounds and images cycling increasingly rapidly as everything she’d ever done reverberated round her head. That hideous sensation of being all over the place, of not knowing which way to turn, was crawling all over her skin.

She wasn’t even in the room any more, a grey mist tinged with red covering her vision as every conceivable scenario of Cullen taking red lyrium then dying an agonising death flickered before her, demons rampaging across the land under a sick green sky - and all of it her fault. Sheer panic that she wasn’t doing enough, would never do enough, swept through her, along with the inevitable belief that defeat was staring at her in the face.

‘I need to go, I need to leave……before it’s too late…..’

Repeating the words over and over, she swung her legs over the side of the bed, scrambling to stand up. Before she could move any further, a pair of arms clamped around her waist, pinning her arms to her side. Lea couldn’t go anywhere, prevented from satisfying the obsessive need to scratch and claw at her face whilst she ran out of the door.

‘Lea…. Maker’s Breath….he needs to be here…..’

Someone was trying to stop her from going to destroy the red lyrium. She was frantically trying to get free, needing to jump on her horse and ride towards where the whispers told her to go.

‘Please stop, Lea, I don’t want to hurt you…..’

Whoever it was holding her back wasn’t Cullen, although they were just as strong, and almost as comforting. It couldn’t be him. Because Cullen was in the lyrium dungeon in her head, the flowing, pulsing veins mixed up with red and blue. He was no longer with her and it was all her fault.

_Weak, Lea, you’re weak. Selfish. Come to us. Make them go away. We’ll make it better. Only we can help you._

The whispers calling her to leave were deafening, almost drowning out another, familiar and much loved voice murmuring words to her. It was soothing and comforting - but not his. Confusion reigned in her head, her thoughts scrambled and incoherent, stabbing needles jabbing her in a thousand different places. There was only one thing she was sure of.

_This hurts, Cullen, why did I leave, why did I go? I don’t understand what’s happened. Why are you not here?_

_I need you so very, very much….._

‘Lea, it’s going to be alright, I promise....’

The deep, warm voice was still talking softly to her, belonging to the arms that were still holding her down as she slowly stopped her frenzied fight to get free, sudden exhaustion washing over her. There was warmth along her back as she realised she was held up against another man.

Lea knew she loved him, somewhere that registered in her head. But he wasn’t the one who made her heart soar and her soul complete.

_He is lost to you forever. Gone away, never to return. Because of you._

_You are on your own, Leaena. It’s what you wanted, after all. We made it happen for you._

The sheer desolation of that realisation hit her as she started to cry, the vast empty space within her filled with nothing but chaos and darkness, devoid of hope and meaning. It had all fled the moment she’d left him, standing on the balcony, his eyes and face reflecting what she saw inside herself now.

‘I miss you, Cullen, I love you so much, forgive me……please come back….’

She felt the heat of tears slowly sliding down her face as she whispered Cullen’s name over and over again, begging him to return, all the pain, anguish and devastation burning away the loud whispers that curled through every segment of her brain. It left her with nothing but hollowness and an ache so sore in her chest she struggled yet again for air.

‘I know you do….he loves you too…..we’ll make this better….’

Her mind, cleared of the murky red mist, realised that it was Alistair, someone she could trust. But she couldn’t trust anyone any more. They hadn’t been there. They didn’t know. They hadn’t seen what she had seen.

_Don’t tell. You’ve said too much already._

_He’s my friend! Go…away!_

‘I’m so sorry, Maker, I am so so sorry….I don’t know any more….nothing makes sense….’ Lea finally managed to wrestle back control of her mind as she slumped forwards, defeated, watching her tears fall onto Alistair’s shirt sleeve.

The effects of the nightmare, where she could still feel the violation between her legs and the initials carved into her side, combined with the whispers in her head, were becoming almost too much for her to cope with. It was getting harder and harder to fight them off during the day as well as at night.

Alistair didn’t reply immediately, just loosening his hold on her so she could use her arms once more, sensing she had returned. Lea put her face in her hands as she breathed deeply in and out, trying to calm herself down and battling nausea.

‘Don’t apologise, Lea. I am sorry you are going through this. I wish there was more I could do to help.’ His hands released her, holding her shoulders lightly to prevent her from falling off the bed.

‘I’ll be alright. I feel better already,’ she said shakily. ‘These attacks – they just hit me out of nowhere. I normally manage to find somewhere private to deal with them.’

‘So no one else knows of this?’ His even tone didn’t fool her.

‘No. And I’d prefer it stays that way.’ Lea was adamant. No one could know, especially not Cullen. ‘We have too much to achieve still without people thinking the Inquisitor is mad. All our work would be ruined because in one fell stroke I’d be deemed uncredible. Once I find and kill this demon, it will be over, I am sure. I think it’s the one responsible.’

She repositioned herself on the bed, letting her tear-stained face meet his anxious one. ‘Besides, if Eamon, Tegan and all the rest of them knew they’d kick me away from you faster than I can blink. I – I need a friend right now, Alistair. I trust virtually no-one. I lost Cullen. Don’t let me lose you too.’

‘Come here, Lea, and lie down.’ She obediently curled up by Alistair’s side, her head resting on his chest once more as his hand went back to stroke her hair again. ‘Arm round me and get under the blanket properly. That’s it. Let’s try and stop that shaking.’

Lea felt warmer and calmer again, her breathing finally returning to normal as she let herself relax some more, forgetting already that Alistair hadn’t said anything to reassure her about her state of mind. She found it hard to remember things these days as it was.

‘Sorry,’ she whispered, embarrassed and ashamed at having been caught like this. ‘You have so many other important things to do rather than deal with me.’

‘Lea, honestly. Don’t be daft.’ He dismissed her anxieties. ‘It gives me a break from writing endless letters that no one pays any attention to. If Sugarbark hadn’t gone off with Freya, I’d have had him inside here with you. There wouldn’t have been any room for you to actually get into the bed, of course, but he would have kept you safe.’

A small laugh escaped her, making her feel a tiny bit more human. ‘Remind me again why Freya gave her Mabari such a bizarre name?’

‘We found the poor thing at the forward camp in Ostagar.’ Lea could hear the smile in Alistair’s voice as he recounted the story. ‘He was dying, poisoned by the Taint. Freya wouldn’t accept that the dog would die and was determined to get the herbs needed to cure him.'

Uncharacteristic bitterness crept into his words for a moment as he continued. ‘How easy it is to remove in dogs – I wish the same could be said for people. Anyway, she didn’t want to leave him in pain and gave him a lump of sugar that she’d kept in her pocket for her horse. He barked at her when she offered it to him, licking her palm clean of every grain.’

‘She was laughing and scratching him under her chin and I was kind of wishing it was me getting the same treatment. ‘Alistair! Did you see that! He knew it was a treat! When did dogs get this smart?’’. There was a faraway quality to the tale as he thought back ten years previously.

Lea laughed again at his poor imitation of Freya’s voice as he gave her a nudge. ‘I mean, she sounds far sexier than that….oh, Maker take it, Lea you know what I mean!’

‘Sorry,’ she was feeling better than she had done for weeks as she enjoyed Alistair recounting stories of those early days with her other best friend. The voices and the pain were temporarily banished to the furthest recesses of her mind. All except one, but even that had receded slightly.

‘You aren’t at all, but I forgive you. Anyway, I forgot she had been locked up in the Circle for most of her life and she couldn’t even remember how clever Mabaris were. ’It’s a dog, Freya. You have food. What else is it going to do?’ I was quite blunt with her about it – confused to be honest. But she was insistent it was the smartest creature in Thedas. And she wasn’t far wrong as it turned out.’

‘‘I don’t care,’ she replies. ‘It’s smart.’’ I remember her then stroking its back, trying to sooth the poor creature. And if you’re wondering, yes yes, I was jealous of the dog, even though we’d only just met. Me and Freya that is. As well as the dog. Obviously.’

‘We all go into the Korcari Wilds, Freya gets the cure, becomes a Warden, we stop Loghain from destroying the world, all in an average day’s work. Morrigan decides she just has to tag along with us – which was about as much fun as the day Wynne tried to give me a talk on the birds and bees –‘, he laughed at Lea tried to stifle a giggle with her hand over her mouth.

‘That was beyond awkward that one, I can assure you. So, we finally make it near to Lothering when what happens but the same, huge Mabari comes bouncing up to Freya, ecstatic to see her and refusing to leave her side. ‘’I think he likes you,’’ I said, rather inanely – of course it did, but back then I could barely string a sentence together when she was around.’

‘’Can I keep it, Alistair?’’ She gave me the biggest, most beautiful smile and I completely forgot where I was, I was too lost staring at her like a lovesick idiot. Then Morrigan looked like she’d chewed on a wasp’s nest when she saw the hound so, combined with Freya’s delight, the only answer was ‘’best idea I’ve heard yet.’’

‘Freya grinned at the dog, this new found freedom to do what she wanted quite intoxicating for her. ‘’I have no sugar today, you fine fellow. But I will find some soon and then you can have a treat.’’ And the dog barked, sitting there wagging his tail before giving her a lick. ‘’Sugarbark. It makes perfect sense,’’ Freya beamed at me whilst we looked at her like she’d lost all her marbles. ‘’No, see, I say sugar and he barks.’’ And the dog did it again. ‘’There. It works. Good boy.’’ She starts rubbing his tummy as the daft thing rolls over for her. I pointed out that the dog would have done that anyway, and then she stuck her tongue out at me –‘.

Alistair tailed off, sounding sadder than Lea had ever heard him, memories of his Warden still so fresh in his mind even after all these years. ‘It never gets easier,’ he whispered. 'The way she moves, her laugh, when she cups my face and stands on tiptoe to give me a kiss - she's so adorably short - I could go on and on with a list of things that I miss about her.'

Lea reached up and kissed him gently on his cheek, putting her arm round him tighter to give him a much needed cuddle.

‘I'm so sorry.’ She then pushed herself up on one elbow, unconsciously reaching over to brush the hair that had fallen over his eyes, wishing there was more she could do to make him feel less alone. 'I am a poor consolation prize, I’m afraid.'

‘It sounds odd, because I miss her so badly. But it helps, to be here with you like this. To hold someone who cares about me too, who understands. Now I sound like an idiot.’ Alistair blushed slightly, making Lea smile.

‘Not at all. I needed this. Something to chase away the darkness through some comforting human contact. I have precious few friends and even fewer I could be this close to. There’s probably only you.’ She lay her head back down on his shoulder, the need to sleep beginning to claim her as she finally unwound after the weeks spent at unbearable levels of anxiety.

‘Freya would approve of this, of you being here to make things a bit easier. She once said to me that if she wasn't around, she hoped you would be. Apparently, I need looking after.’ Sensing she was close to sleep, Alistair tucked the blanket under her chin and made sure she was covered up. ‘I just hope Cullen doesn’t come after me for taking any liberties being with you like this. He has an overly powerful right arm, from what I remember, after the last time we sparred against each other. I’d rather not be on the receiving end again.’

‘He still does. But this, Cullen won’t mind, just like Freya wouldn't. He will just feel bad he wasn’t here. Because I lost him.’ Lea replied dopily, the ache of missing him never far away. ‘ Thank you, Alistair. Don’t go too.’

‘Of course I will stay. You aren’t going to lose me, and you certainly haven’t lost Cullen,’ Alistair's voice was softly encouraging. ‘Believe it or not, he understands, Lea. As do I. Your Commander will wait for you, just as I wait for my Warden - no matter how long it takes. Keep that thought with you, when it all becomes almost too much to bear.’

_Understands what.....he will?_

The long-forgotten sensation of hope from Alistair’s last words warmed her soul as Lea finally slept.


	83. True Love Waits

Wearily, Cullen signed off a request - something to do with Sutherland’s crew. He'd barely paid any attention he was so tired. It was the last in a long line of approvals he had to look through and, finally, his desk was emptier than it had been for quite some time. Yawning and stretching back in his chair to remove the ache in his lower spine, he put his hands behind his head, staring sightlessly across his quiet office.

Being too afraid to sleep had yielded benefits in terms of clearing paperwork. He’d woken up most mornings with his head in his arms, slumped on his desk where he’d passed out over some report or other as exhaustion claimed him.

Too often he’d been caught out by a highly erotic dream that she was there, lying next to him, the trail of her fingers and lips leaving sparks of energy over his chest as she worked her way down his stomach. Or Leaena had snuck up behind him to wrap her arms round his waist, resting her head and body against his back as he relaxed into her warmth. Standing on her tiptoes, she’d whisper how much she loved him in his ear before kissing him across the back of his neck. Her hands always ended up slipping underneath the belt of his breeches as her fingers crept, teasingly, further down….

He would waken, hard and aching to feel her as he’d reach out to pull her towards him.  Cullen could remember every curve of her hip, the weight of her breasts and her soft skin trembling with desire underneath his hands. Only to realise a split second later that she was gone and wasn’t planning on returning.

He dreamed about her constantly, his mind venturing well beyond the physical. She'd be curled up next to him, her head on his chest so he could smell the orange-blossom scent of her. The sound of her laughter, her face alight with merriment at something he'd teased her about, haunted him.  It was the memory of Leaena's sparkling deep blue eyes, giving him a smile that Cullen knew was just for him, that cut his soul in two like nothing else could.

Struggling to breathe at the pain that shot through his heart, every single time his eyes opened, had become an everyday occurrence. It could take several minutes for him to be able to move.

Those were just the good dreams. The nightmares were a different story all together. Every time, it was the same thing. Every time, he woke screaming. Sleep had become a commodity he couldn’t afford to have. 

It had been this way since Leaena had left him all those months before. He'd been bewildered and broken on the balcony at the Winter Palace, in a fog of devastation so thick he could do nothing but stand there, unmoving. His sole focus since then had been to try and plough through the day somehow, keeping the fear and desolation at bay for as long as he could before the demons returned at night.

Cullen was used to being independent and being on his own. But the loneliness he felt now she was not here, effectively shutting him out, was like nothing he had ever experienced. The days, weeks and months stretched before him with nothing but monotony and pointless routine. All the colour, joy and love had gone from his life. The anguish of never knowing when he'd see her again, if ever, was something he carried within him every waking moment.

The lyruim withdrawal had been worse than he’d remembered too. Some nights he woke delirious from the agony of missing her, while the need for lyrium sang to him constantly, reverberating round his mind in a continual loop of craving. He'd often wonder, in the deep of the night, if he wasn't going slightly insane with the combination of both. Most of the time he just wanted to claw at his head to make it stop.

Sitting forward and pulling open the desk drawer, Cullen looked at the blue vials that rested next to his lyrium kit. Each one was enticing him to open them, the music even louder than normal. He’d lost count of the amount of times he’d thought of taking lyrium again, just to silence that part of his mind and make things easier. The cravings had, at their worst, driven him to his knees shaking uncontrollably on the cold stone floor as he battled against the incessant call. 

If Leaena insisted on believing the rubbish that she was in some way responsible, then what difference did it make? They could be together again, and that had become all that mattered to him.

He took out a philter, feeling its familiar shape in his hands. The bright blue, glowing liquid slid slowly up and down the length of the glass, the warmth of the lyrium heating his palm.  

_And the worst thing is, I know she still loves me._

_She wouldn’t be so adamant otherwise._

The very limited communication he’d had with Leaena had contained nothing but responses to his questions and further instructions, clinical in their formality. Yet, at the bottom of each one had been one line.

‘Remember your promise. No lyrium.’

Leliana might scoff at him, but Cullen knew his Inquisitor. The only reason for her doing so was because she still cared. It was the one thing that gave him hope. With that reminder and, with great difficulty, he dropped the potion back in his drawer and closed it firmly shut. 

That she was getting sicker and sicker he had no doubt. Even so, putting his own bias aside, she was the only one who could do what the Inquisition demanded. Some people didn’t believe him which was proving a major obstacle. Leliana remained unconvinced, angry at the Inquisitor’s seeming abandonment of them all.

Josephine remained as diplomatic as ever, but still Cullen heard the hint of doubt. They needed to give her a chance, which they weren’t doing, already talking about contingency plans and alternatives to Leaena’s decisions. These he'd vigorously objected to, especially as her Inquisition work was still sound.They'd both reluctantly agreed to not intervening for now, but things were rocky between the three of them as a result. 

_Because they haven’t been there. They don’t know like I do._

The questions he had raced round and round in his mind, and still he arrived at the same answer he had. To wait. He had a strong suspicion of what would come, but there were still several pieces of the puzzle that he needed. Soon.

Leaena was being exposed to something he recognised. This behaviour – it was all so untypical of her. All the while, her mental state was deteriorating. The renewed, vicious attacks on her mind had increased, by all reports, although she seemed coherent enough during the day.

He, Leliana and Josephine were trying to keep a lid on it all. They had an impatient horde of nobility clamouring for Leaena’s time, getting offended when it wasn’t available. To make matters worse, morale had dropped further, leaving behind increasingly fractured and dispirited Inquisition forces and agents.

Her companions, still loyal despite her erratic behaviour, were fighting over the right approach. Trystan and Cadan were alternating between fury and worry – one reason why Cullen had sent Trystan to Nevarra, where he still was. Everyone was so overworked and anxious their meetings were now barely comprehensible, with arguments raging at each one. No one was communicating any more.

In short, things were imploding all across the Inquisition, exactly as their enemy had intended. It wasn’t just about him and Leaena – it affected everyone. She was too modest to realise it, but she was what bound them all together, providing purpose and meaning to everything they did.

_Just like when we fled Haven. This is so similar._

Cullen exhaled slowly, no immediate solutions springing to his mind and frustrated beyond reason at having to wait for the right moment to go to her. For go to her he would, but if he timed it wrong the consequences would be disastrous.

Sitting forward, he picked up the last letter left on his desk, one that he had been expecting for quite a while. He slid his thumb under Alistair’s personal seal slowly to break the wax, opening the pages with careful deliberation. It had been dated some time ago. He was surprised too when a second note fell out from amongst the pages, deciding to look at it later.

_Cullen,_

_I trust things are as well as they can be at Skyhold and you aren’t all freezing to death._

_Who in the Maker’s name is that not-Grey Warden she’s allowing to stay with the Inquisition? If Lea hadn’t asked me so nicely not to, I would have had him in my dungeon the moment he set foot in Denerim. He's bought shame to the name of an honorable and noble man, one my mentor greatly admired. I won't be nearly so restrained if he makes another appearance._

_Anyway, I’ll get to the point. I have deliberated over what to write for a while. This is not easy for me to communicate._

_Nothing you mentioned prepared me for how bad a state Lea is in. The nightmares continue and she insists she can smell red lyrium everywhere she goes. She was even sleepwalking at one point with a dagger to try and kill herself with before I managed to get it off her._

_She won’t talk about the content. The only thing I do know is that she is obsessed with anything to do with lyrium, both normal and Blight-cursed – and its impact on you. And I also found this – she’d forgotten to burn it. Her paranoia is escalating at an alarming rate._

_Lea seems normal during the day, although increasingly distracted and forgetful, as if she’s got two conversations going on that no one else can hear. Sometimes she gets these attacks and has to disappear for half an hour or so to calm herself. She comes back white as a sheet, trying not to throw up. She wouldn’t eat either, unless I literally stood over her and made her._

_All that said, she’s met with my teryns and banns who are currently at court without mishap – and charmed Eamon which is a minor miracle all on its own given how taciturn he can be. Support for the Inquisition remains strong in Ferelden so you need have no concern on that part._

_Cullen – I don’t know how much longer she can continue like this. She is unable to sleep for more than an hour or two before something invades her mind. I had to spend every night with Lea, to make sure she was safe. It seemed to help a bit, but I am a poor substitute for who she really wants. Did you know she still sleeps in your shirts?_

_To be blunt, I don’t think you should have let Lea go in the first place. Particularly given she’s based all of her theories on conversations with a bloody desire demon and hallucinations in the Fade! You of all people should know how spurious, and abnormal, that is. I don’t like to bring it up, but it is Kinloch Hold, all over again. Lea is fighting hard, but after all these months this thing is beginning to overwhelm her._

_I confess am frightened for her, my friend. She is not the woman I know. I cannot order you to do anything, although I should probably try. Don’t leave it too long to go to her side. I fear not being there may be something you end up severely regretting._

_Alistair_

The bold, black words, written in Alistair’s firm hand, stared back at him as the letters swum before his eyes. His headache, these days a permanent fixture, intensified tenfold as he thought through the implications of the letter. His hands shook, worse than normal as he placed the parchment carefully to one side before slowly lowering his head to his hands.

‘I already do,’ Cullen whispered, thinking of Alistair’s final sentence as failure and inadequacy raced through him.

The bitter taste in his mouth wouldn’t dissipate as irrational, raging jealousy fought for supremacy against the familiar, unwelcome sensations. That another man had, yet again, been where he couldn’t. And this one far closer to Leaena than Blackwall. That she’d travelled alone with him had been bad enough. No matter how grateful he was to his friend for looking after her, Alistair was on a whole different level.

_Out of everything going on, that’s your main concern, Cullen? Whether she slept with someone else?_

Raking his fingers through his hair, he forcibly erased the hated, unfounded visions that had sprung up in his mind of Leaena and Alistair together, and rearranged his priorities once more. He picked up the note that had come with the letter, smoothing out the creases to read it properly.

_Red lyrium, same as normal. Makes me want to be sick all day, every day._

_Samson, same as normal. Gross. Ineffectual wanker. I must kill him soon._

_Rite of Tranquility – she can return. Crows? No one will believe me. I am so stupid. Knife in her hands every time, no other weapon._

_Rite of Tranquility – not permanent. Not Permanent! Arrange order for execution._

_Rite of Tranquility – my fault, my failure, punished again and again._

Leaena had underscored with great emphasis the word tranquility several times. Her handwriting, normally perfect, was almost illegible - that and the incoherent content of the note attesting to the fragility of her mind. It made no sense to him, aside from the fact this had to be what she was seeing in the Fade. Who did she want to execute and why?

Turning the scrap of parchment over, Cullen’s heart stopped and his chest tightened to the point of agony when he saw what was written.

_Cullen, same as normal. Just as beautiful, just as abusive. Red eyes terrify me._

_Is this the only memory I will have left of him soon?_

He read everything rapidly once more before standing abruptly and walking towards the fire, throwing both Alistair’s letter and Leaena’s sleep-deprived ramblings into the flames. Staring at them both as they turned charred and black, he started to run through everything he knew once more.

Cullen wasn’t sure how long he stood, watching the flickering orange lights, lost in thought. Finally, he reached a decision, grabbing his cloak and pulling it close as he stepped outside into the freezing late afternoon gloom. There was one thing he had to check before he could put everything into motion.

Fortunately, the mage tower was not too far away from his own. His eyes watering slightly in the icy wind, he nodded to the two Templars stationed outside before letting himself in. So far, the arrangement he and Leaena had set up was working well. Templars and mages studied and learned from one another, with a guard on the outside for emergencies.

As he’d hoped, there were joint patrols and fighting units. Healers were more evenly assigned throughout his forces, able to specialise in various forms of restorative magic in ways closed to mages previously. And that was just the start. Almost everyone appreciated the opportunities now on offer to do so much more.

He'd dealt personally with Templars who still seemed to think they were able to carry on as they had before, whilst Leaena had disciplined any mage who sought to stir up the old hatred. It seemed to have the desired effect. Being hauled in front of either one of them wasn't an experience people were keen to undergo, funnily enough.

Mages, at all times, were able to dictate what they were comfortable with. There did not have to be a Templar around for them to practice their skills. And, with the own Inquisitor preferring to have him or Trystan with her, few could complain at the example being set. Slowly but surely, trust was being built, replacing the ancient enmity between the two groups. 

That wasn’t the reason Cullen was visiting, however. Looking around, everyone ignoring him, he climbed up the stairs to the floor above. Fiona was sat at her desk, absorbed in a document.

‘Fiona,’ he greeted the former Grand Enchanter politely. Leaena had not forgiven her for what she viewed as the ultimate betrayal of mages and limited herself to essential contact only. For more everyday matters, one of her advisors – normally him for some strange reason, given his background – dealt with Fiona.

‘Commander,’ she replied with a small smile. ‘What brings you to us today?’

‘You look busy – I won’t take up much of your time.’ Leaena’s bizarre ramblings wouldn’t leave Cullen’s mind.  ‘How is Vivienne? Is she here?’

‘See for yourself.’ Fiona gestured to an alcove Cullen hadn’t noticed. ‘She is adept enough at the research tasks assigned to her, but sadly shows no affinity for any one area of enchanting or alchemy.’

Her eyes ran over the now Tranquil mage with slight disapproval. ‘The same now as before the Rite, I am afraid. She rose to power in spite of her talent. Vivienne, a moment please,’ she called to the Tranquil.

Cullen was well used to Tranquil. They didn’t bother him as they did many others. Leaena had made special provision for Tranquil to be looked after, and respected, at Skyhold. But still, to see the dead brown eyes staring back at him with the Sunburst brand on her forehead was unnerving, particularly given what he knew Vivienne was capable of should that be taken away.

‘Grand Enchanter. How may I serve?’ It was hard to believe this flat voice, this disinterested person, had caused so much havoc to the Inquisition, and Leaena so much trauma.

‘Hello, Vivienne.’ Cullen managed to get some reasonable words out, reminding himself this was no longer the same person. ‘How are you faring?’

‘My duties keep me occupied, Commander. I have no cause to complain.’ Vivienne’s monotone was the same as any Tranquil.

‘Are you comfortable?’ The more he spoke to Vivienne the more he wondered whether he’d been mistaken in Leaena's words. Maybe she meant someone else.

‘I am, Commander. Thank you.’ There was nothing at all out of the ordinary that Cullen could spot. Vivienne was definitely Tranquil and there was no chance of the Rite being reversed.

‘I have no further questions. I am sorry to have bothered you.’ He motioned that she could return to her work.

‘It is no matter. I await further instructions as and when required.’ She turned and shuffled slowly back to her alcove, becoming immediately absorbed once more in the tome she was studying.

‘It is disconcerting, is it not?’ Fiona sounded pensive. ‘She was once so influential. You know, there are many complaints that this is twice the Inquisitor has ordered the Right of Tranquillity to be used against a mage.’

‘I know. She had just cause though.’ Although Cullen would have been happier if she’d sentenced Vivienne and Erimond to death. ‘I’ll arrange for a senior Templar if you could arrange for a senior mage to speak to people and remind them the purpose of the Rite once more. And that one of their own issued a mage’s punishment.’

‘That is a good idea,’ Fiona agreed. ‘I shall have some names for you soon.’

‘Thank you. I shall take my leave.’ With a short bow he turned, only to be stopped by Fiona’s hand on his arm.

‘A moment, Commander. I understand the Inquisitor has been to see the King in Denerim recently.’ He was surprised to see a momentary flash of something close to regret in her eyes before she continued. ‘Tell me – is everything well?’

‘With Alistair?’ Cullen thought about the uncharacteristically sombre letter he’d received, slightly bemused as to her question. ‘I believe so. The crown remains supportive of the Inquisition and he sounds as busy as ever.’

‘Thank you. I am sorry to have bothered you. I wish you good day.’ Fiona didn’t give him a chance to enquire about her reasons as she turned and headed back to her desk.

He dismissed it and, wasting no time, headed out the other door. Striding quickly towards the barracks and brushing off multiple requests for him to look at this that or the other, he was focussed on the plan that had formed in his mind.

‘But Commander! This is the report you have been waiting for?’ An insistent voice made Cullen stop, expectation spreading through him. He flicked through the information that gave him the final pieces of the puzzle.

‘Got you,’ he softly, exultation and revenge coursing through him as he dismissed the lieutenant with a further instruction and a word of thanks.

_This is it!_

_Maker save them....._

Continuing to walk as he read the notes further, the rage that was never far away began to surface once more. He was so engrossed he nearly missed the person he actually wanted to see walking straight past him.

‘You have an expression like thunder, Cullen. No wonder all your messengers have run away.’ Cadan’s amused voice startled him back into reality.

‘I was just looking for you. Have you got a moment?’ Cullen blinked slightly, readjusting himself to the conversation.

‘Of course.’ Cadan fell into step next to him. ‘What’s on your mind?’

‘Do you have any idea who Leaena would want to execute?’ Cullen still couldn’t shake off the sense of unease about her Tranquility comments.

‘What? That’s hardly Lea’s style. There’s not been one judgement yet where she’s executed someone.’ Cadan stopped, leaning against one of the sparring ring railings, looking at Cullen in confusion. ‘Why do you ask?’

‘I heard from Alistair at last. It was news I was waiting for, but in the worst possible way.’ He was only one short step from falling into a yawning abyss if he got this wrong.

‘A lackey probably put his letter in the wrong pile rather than for a crow. It happens all the time.’ Lea’s twin gestured irritably before a look of anxiety crossed his face. ‘How is she?’

‘Worse. And because we can’t get messages from Dorian, Bull or Cole, this is the last report we’ve –‘. Cullen broke off what he was saying, his eyes narrowing as he saw Blackwall and Cassandra enter the ring across from them.

‘Not now, Cullen,’ Cadan murmured quietly, coming to stand next to him.

‘Alistair saw through him immediately – something we never did,’ he ground out, the sight of Blackwall fuelling the fires of his anger further.

‘Of course he did. A Warden can spot a fellow Warden a mile off.’ Cadan’s gaze had turned to watch the pair in the ring, who’d both started to trade blows.

Cullen didn’t reply immediately. He’d never taken the time to observe Blackwall’s combat technique before. With Alistair’s letter still at the forefront of his mind, now seemed a good a chance as any.

‘He’s certainly skilled, if he can make Cassandra back away like that.’ Cadan was reluctantly admiring as she retreated under a series of strikes Blackwall had launched at her.

‘Blackwall’s ability is not something I’ve doubted. Just his intentions. I want to know why his past is so horrendous he needs to hide it.’ Cullen frowned at the scene in front of him, something nagging at the back of his mind. ‘And where have I seen that particular interception technique before? It’s familiar.’

‘It is, now you come to mention it. So is that counter-strike sequence.’ Standing, arms folded, the other man watched Blackwall like a hawk, hating that there was an unsolved mystery still.

Just then, Cassandra raised her sword, indicating her need for a break. ‘I cannot place your fighting style, and I have studied the martial arts for years,’ they heard her call out, respect in her voice.

‘It’s… from everywhere. I travelled a lot in my youth.’ Blackwall’s hesitant reply fooled neither of them.

‘If he’s going to lie he needs to be more convincing than that.’

Cadan’s cynical reply was lost on Cullen as realisation dawned.

‘Orlais,’ he said, his voice so low in his blinding anger Cadan could barely hear him. ‘How did I not see it before?’

‘Shit. You’re right. You don’t learn swordwork like that in a mercenary company.’ Cadan looked as furious as Cullen felt. ‘And you certainly don’t learn it if you’re a foot soldier.’

‘I will bet you my last gold he was an officer in the Imperial Army. You don’t get promoted for being inept. ’ Cullen was struggling to not jump over the fence and beat some answers out of the imposter in their midst. ‘And he’s right in the middle of my fucking army – as if we don’t have enough problems with infiltrators as it is!’

‘Surprisingly enough, that’s not a gamble I’m prepared to take. But Cullen,’ Cadan’s voice had a note of warning. ‘My sister is far more important. That’s a problem that can wait till later.’

The reminder was timely. Blackwall, or whoever, was irrelevant. Right now, he had to focus on Leaena who needed him far more.

‘Alright.’ Turning his back on yet another thing to deal with, he motioned for Cadan to follow him. ‘Much though it pains me to leave it.’

‘You’ll live. Tell me what else was in Alistair’s letter.’ The dark look that crossed Cadan’s face was unmissable as he thought of his twin.

Cullen almost couldn’t get the words out, it hurt so much to think of her suffering. ‘She’s ill. Very ill. From what I read – Maker, what they are doing to her…how she can carry on…’

‘Let’s go and get a drink. I think I’m going to need one. This isn’t something that will be resolved in a few minutes.’ Cadan steered him towards the tavern, whilst he followed distractedly, the plan he’d had formed almost since Leaena had first left now firm in his mind.

Entering the tavern, they glimpsed Varric at a table in the far corner, finishing a game of Wicked Grace with a couple of Templars Cullen didn’t recognise. Skyhold was so busy now it was impossible for him to know who was who.

Varric waved for them to join him as they both made their way slowly through the evening crowd.

‘I’ll go and get a round,’ Cadan waved him on as he disappeared into the throng of people waiting to be served. ‘See you in a bit.’

Giving those he knew polite greetings as he fought his way over nearly pushed Cullen to the limits of his tolerance. He hated enclosed spaces, particularly ones pressed wall to wall with drinkers. On top of the constant worry for Leaena and the anger still smouldering inside him, he was one nudge away from being pushed too far.

Fortunately, where Varric was seated seemed to be a bit less noisy with enough room for him to breathe.

‘Curly.’ He gave him a roguish grin in greeting. ‘Are you going to join us in a game?’

‘Not tonight. I don’t mean to interrupt your game –‘. He didn’t need to continue as Varric immediately realised something was up.

Before Varric could reply, another Templar he hadn’t noticed before at the table spoke up, someone he vaguely remembered from Haven and who he definitely didn’t want to talk to now. She was giving Cullen a look of such blatant invitation it was impossible for him to miss.

‘Commander. It’s such a rare opportunity to have you amongst us. Won’t you reconsider?’ Cullen supposed it was some sort of attempt at being seductive. All it did was add to his headache and mounting irritation.

‘No. I have other matters that require my attention.’ Damn. Even being blunt to the point of rudeness didn’t seem to put her off as she started to launch a different tactic to entrap him.

‘Sorry folks, we’re done for the day.’ Varric had, thankfully, come to his aid. ‘Inquisition business. We’ll need this table. I’ll make it up to you later on.’

With varying grumbles - and the woman who’d made an attempt at flirtation positively pouting – they left, leaving just the two of them. Heaving a sigh of relief, Cullen put his sword down and sat, rubbing a hand tiredly over his face.

‘Another conquest, Curly?’ His bating lacked its usual bite, however. There was no humour in Varric’s eyes – only understanding.

‘Maker’s Breath, just….don’t. Why won’t they take a hint?’ That hadn’t been the first and he found it all cringeworthy. ‘It’s not a bloody free for all just because Leaena isn’t here. The assumption that I no longer give a shit about the Inquisitor is beyond insulting.’

‘Women are determined creatures,’ Varric shrugged with resignation. Not for the first time, Cullen wondered about the story behind Bianca. ‘You’ve done rather well to escape this lot.’

‘They certainly are. Josie protects me – I defy any woman to cross her. Here, Cullen, this might help.’ Cadan arrived just then with three tankards. ‘That one has tried it on before, hasn’t she?’

‘Ever since gossip spread about Leaena,’ he complained, taking a grateful gulp of ale.

‘That brunette? Lysette?’ Cadan looked across to where the woman was still looking speculatively at their table.

‘Yes, but don’t encourage her! Besides, it’s unimportant.’ Cullen shifted uncomfortably in his chair, determined to bring an end to that conversation. ‘I received word from Alistair today, Varric. I was just in the middle of telling Cadan when he had the idea to come here. I’m pleased to catch you as well. Can we talk safely?’

‘About as safe as anywhere.’ Cadan looked around him, satisfied they had privacy. ‘The noise itself is enough to shield our words and this table is blessedly apart from everyone else.’

‘How is she? There’s been no word at all for weeks aside from her instructions and reports.’ Varric looked hopeful, waiting for Cullen to elaborate. He hadn’t taken it personally when Leaena had ordered him back to Skyhold, understanding that she was in the grip of something she couldn’t control.

‘She’s not good,’ he replied, his voice low, the unwanted pain hitting him right in the centre of his chest. ‘Nightmares several times every night. Sleepwalking – which is new. And this bothers me the most – always smelling red lyrium. How is that possible?’

‘Check with Solas,’ Varric replied promptly. ‘If anyone knows, he will.’

Taking a pause, he took another drink, his temper fraying to see Lysette still watching him, a coy smile on her lips.

Ignoring her, he carried on. ‘Both of you – get ready for a trip. Solas will join us. I’ve already sent him word.’

‘Finally!’ Cadan exclaimed, a hint of anger flaring in his eyes as he studied Cullen further. ‘You have had this planned all along haven’t you? Why has it taken you so long to give the order? It has been the longest wait of my life!’

‘Don’t you think this hasn’t killed me? The amount of times every day I’ve had to hold myself back….’ Aware that such a debate would get him nowhere but missing her even more, Cullen made himself focus.

‘I told you – she would have turned us away, probably disappeared somewhere and we’d have made here paranoia worse. And yes, I’ve had a plan.’ Whether he should have executed it before now was concerning him more than he liked.

_If it is the right one remains to be seen._

‘Since when!?’ Varric too didn’t hide his frustration. ‘And why didn’t you tell anyone?’

‘Well – it wasn’t final in my head till an hour ago. But I’ve known what Leaena intends on, pretty much from the moment she abandoned me to the mercy of Orlais’ nobles. I’ve been waiting for the various pieces to come together – I had to hold off until she needed me, to tip the balance of her paranoia. I couldn’t risk her vanishing.’

‘But you’ve risked her death! For fuck’s sake, Cullen!’ Cadan’s patience was as limited as his twin’s. ‘And what Varric said – why didn’t you tell anyone?’

‘You both, at least, are supportive and understand the sickness to a certain extent.’ Again, that feeling of dread and horror at what Leaena was going through swept through him.

‘But it’s not just that. Don’t you see? She’s being tortured, every night. This is another way of our enemy waging war on us, by destroying the Inquisitor's mind. She is more susceptible because she is a mage, and because she carries foreign magic. I have no idea where she draws the strength to get through the day, but she does – although that too is now failing her. There are very few people who can survive what the Inquisitor is going through right now. And no one really seems to get that.’

_I do though._

‘Furthermore, if word were to get out, it would cripple the Inquisition. We’re struggling as it is. And Leaena doesn’t deserve that whatsoever. We owe it to her to keep things running smoothly until the day she returns.’ Cullen fell silent as the other two absorbed what he’d said. For the hundredth time that day, he sent a prayer to Andraste to watch over her until he could get there.

He winced to see the anguish on Cadan’s face. It had been him who had threatened her brothers with expulsion from the Inquisition if they tried to go after Leaena without his permission. That had ranked amongst the more challenging conversations he’d ever had. Trystan had been so distraught he’d become completely withdrawn. It was another reason to have him in Nevarra where he could have a change.

_Then Cassandra got mad at me._

_All these decisions I have made, as objectively as possible. But it’s all about her – it always will be._

There was no room in his mind for doubt now – what was done, was done.

_Maker save me, am I wrong?_

‘Well,’ Varric said eventually. ‘Frosty’s surrounded by that red lyrium shit right now, so whatever Alistair saw? It’s going to be even worse. As for that green magic in her hand - Cullen, I know I've said this before but Solas knows more than he's letting on.’

Cullen agreed with him, but again, his hands were tied - and he trusted Solas. 'I know, but we've no proof, Varric. He, at least, means no harm to Leaena whatsoever and has only ever helped her - he was the one who saved her life in Haven don't forget. Perhaps he's not telling us because he too doesn't have a complete answer.' 

‘Where is she headed and how long until we can get there?’ Cadan interrupted, his distress now evident. 'Solas is joining us - we can carry this discussion on whilst we are on the road.'

‘She’s going after Samson, directly this time.’ The mere mention of the name made Cullen’s blood boil anew.

Cadan’s eyes went colder than Cullen had ever seen before as Varric instinctively reached for Bianca, lying next to him on the seat.

‘On her own? Or with the guys?’ Varric’s fingers were positively itching to do some damage. ‘I need to give him some extra special attention for fucking up my city.’

‘That’s what I’m worried about. There’s no way of getting a message to them without Leaena discovering it and flipping out. But I think she’ll take them, which is something at least.’ Or at least he hoped. ‘Her main focus is to stop me from being there. Which I know makes no sense, but she’s not entirely rational right now.’

‘This has been a long time coming. How do we find out where Samson is hiding?’ The tenseness in Cadan was marked, desperate to get going and track down the renegade Templar who had evaded him for so long.

‘They should be taking Suledin Keep before they leave. A small force arrived yesterday to back the team up.’ Cullen started to run them through the logistics of the next few weeks. ‘The quarries and Red Templars are still under attack by Leaena and the others, but my scouts had enough intelligence to identify where he is. It's that information I have just received. I can’t hide it from Leaena but we can make sure we stop her from being on her own.’

‘Where is he then?’ Cadan demanded, ready to leave that instant. ‘I am frightened Lea will become too sick for us to save her. Time is of the essence.’

Just before Cullen was able to reply, a female voice, slurring slightly due to an excess of alcohol, cut rudely across their conversation.

‘Gentlemen, why so serious! The night is yet young.’ Lysette had somehow made her way back to their table, focused intently on Cullen.

Her accent was so annoying Cullen's toes curled in his boots whilst he battled to maintain a neutral expression. His brain was frantically thinking of a way to get rid of her, even as she came and sat far too close to him at the table, making him slide further away.

‘Lysette, now is really not the time….’ Varric didn’t have a chance to say anything further as she banged her hand on the table, a merry smile on her lips.

‘Varric, where are the cards? I am sure our fine Commander is adept at Wicked Grace as he is everything else.’ Her brown eyes, glazed and emboldened from the effects of too much ale, were pinned on him.

Feeling himself flushing red with ill-disguised anger, Cullen was about to issue a blistering setdown when he felt her hand suddenly on his thigh, creeping steadily upwards. Her body swayed towards his as she started to climb into his lap, her low-cut top displaying far more cleavage than he ever needed to see.

_For fuck’s sake, what is going on tonight?!_

Shocked into silence for a moment, fury raged through him that anyone could be so audacious to grope him without any invitation whatsoever. Before he could throw her off, another, gravelly shout from the other side of the tavern caught his attention. It was harsh with rage, the message superseding the actions of the brazen female trying to crawl onto him.

‘So that’s what you get up to is it, whilst others are putting their lives on the line to save your sorry carcass?’ Blackwall’s scathing dismissal of the scene in front of him was the final action that sent sent Cullen’s temper over the edge.

‘Cullen, stop…!’ Cadan and Varric’s urgent words didn’t even register as he stood up, oblivious to the yelp of indignation from Lysette as she lost her balance on her seat and collapsed in an undignified heap onto the floor.

He walked slowly towards the small table where Blackwall was sitting, heedless of the tense quiet that had settled over the tavern, no one daring to move a muscle. His fury wasn’t hot blooded but ice cold, every movement he made controlled and menacing. The fraud before him wasn’t at all phased, merely returning Cullen’s black stare with one of contempt and derision as Cullen slid into the seat opposite him.

‘Good evening, Blackwall. You certainly have a way of announcing your arrival.’ Cullen’s silky tone only just hid the violence that was flooding through his veins as he took the other man’s ale and drained it, insolently placing it back down right underneath his nose.

‘Is that the best you can do, _Commander_?’  Blackwall sneered, shoving the tankard to one side so hard it clattered loudly to the floor. ‘I suppose it is. Drinking and whoring are your specialty it would appear. You’re a disgrace to everything you represent.’

‘Takes one to know one, wouldn’t you say?’ Cullen leaned forward, his eyes glittering dangerously when he saw Blackwall caught his meaning. ‘My captain was quite perturbed when he came to see me after his troop had finished scouting Valammar with you. What a mystery it is, to have a Grey Warden who gave the number of darkspawn in an area of the Deep Roads as 'lots' - unable to sense their location.’

‘That's because there were lots of darkspawn down there, too many to identify precisely.’ he spat back, ignoring Cullen's baiting and determined to have it out. ‘Where did you learn how to be a fucking coward, hiding behind bullshit? For some inexplicable reason, the Inquisitor protected you, made excuse after excuse for your mistakes that cost her more than you know! And the moment she left, you’re shown up for the duplicitous bastard you are!’

The table and chairs went crashing to one side, taking more with them at the force Cullen shoved them out of his way. All his nightmares of this warrior in front of him were filling his vision, leaving him deaf and blind to anything else but vengance.

He was on his feet the same time as Blackwall, both men eyeball to eyeball, their noses practically touching as the flames of their combined wrath blazed around them. This confrontation was nearly a year in the making and neither of them would back down.

‘You dare to accuse me of duplicity and cowardice?’ Cullen was barely audible in the hushed stillness. ‘You are the traitor in the room, not I.’

At Blackwall’s almost invisible finch, he knew his guess was correct. ‘And yet you see fit to lecture me? You know nothing! You’ve spent too much time with your hand on your dick while you letch after the Inquisitor to do anything else. Then again, desperation for something you can never have must be all too familiar to you.’

‘You self-righteous prick! In the highly unlikely circumstance that I need lessons in how to take advantage of vulnerable women I’ll come straight to you!’ Blackwall roared as he pushed Cullen backwards, staggering slightly before he recovered his balance.

Neither of them noticed the collective gasp of their audience as Cullen, incensed by Blackwall’s actions, immediately retaliated and sent his right fist flying right into his jaw, the other man grunting in pain, shaking his head dazedly. ‘I have tolerated your disrespect towards both of us all these months for her sake, but that ends now!’

He jumped over a chair as Blackwall fell backwards, dragging him back to his feet and delivering another punishing blow to his left cheek. His satisfaction was only momentary as Blackwall immediately connected his fist with Cullen's nose, stars exploding across his vision and sending bile straight up to his mouth.

_Fuck! Broken again?_

‘You lead by example, don’t you, Commander.’ Blackwall snarled, not mincing his words. ‘You bugger around here, comfortable, hiding behind Skyhold’s walls, whilst she faces dangers you can’t even begin to imagine! If you even gave the tiniest of shits for her, you’d be there! But you don’t! Sitting here with a tart on your lap and an ale in your hand. That is disrespect! She deserves so much more than you!’

_He has a point._

It didn’t matter that Blackwall was right, if somewhat misguided. He should have saved her a long time ago. She did deserve better. But that wasn’t important. There was a liar and a deceiver right in front of him that was a danger to Leaena and that was the only thought in his mind.

Cullen ignored the pain shooting up his nose and into the most sensitive parts of his brain, distantly registering the taste of blood in his mouth. He refocussed, wasting no time as he blocked Blackwall's arm, sending his tightly clenched fist crashing into the centre of Blackwall's face in retaliation. All his anger, fear, mistrust, loathing and insecurity went into his last ferocious strike. The other man’s head snapped round from the force of Cullen's attack as he spun uncontrollably away from him.

Not allowing him to recover, Cullen shoved Blackwall up against the wall beside the tavern’s front door. He used his greater height to pin him down so he couldn’t move, his hand making a chokehold on his throat. He was breathing heavily as a result of the combined effects of adrenaline, anger and underlying fear for Leaena which had now exploded beyond reason. Blackwall was frantic for air as Cullen held him firmly in place, watching for a moment as blood from his nose poured down his face and into his beard.

‘I know what you are, you fucking treacherous cunt,’ he hissed in his face, so softly so only Blackwall could hear. ‘You are no Grey Warden. I even know where you served – unlucky for you that the Imperial Army has such renowned swordsmanship. The only thing standing between me gutting you before leaving you to die on the road outside Skyhold is the Inquisitor.’

‘She sees something in you that is worthy of redemption. What, I have no idea. But this is her show, not mine. I’ll keep your dirty little secret if you promise not to run. If you truly care for her, you will stay.’ Cullen's hand clamped harder against Blackwall’s windpipe, seeing his eyes widen further in discomfort.

His eyes turned to granite as Cullen waited for an indication that, quoting Alistair, the not-Grey Warden would comply.

_He doesn’t need to know that we guessed a long time ago._

Blackwall’s eyes had darkened with impotent fury, there being no other choice but for him to accept. He managed to nod his head slightly, expecting Cullen to release the pressure on his throat and looking increasingly uncomfortable when he didn’t.

Cullen was bored and irritated with being propositioned by women who didn’t seem to understand what lack of interest was, and beyond frustrated that the man in front of him refused to accept the obvious.

He was done with the infighting, done with the negativity and ungratefulness of the people in the tavern and outside, complaining about trivialities that mattered little. They were all too blinkered to realise just what Leaena was doing for them all, ignorant of the price she was paying so they could bitch and moan.

‘Just so you are clear, because there seems to be some doubt.' He raised his voice to get the message across to certain people in the audience behind him. 'She is mine. I am hers. The word love does not even begin to cover what I feel for Leaena. Our souls are joined together in a way you can never imagine. I may not be worthy of her, but I will spend the rest of my life trying to be.'

'Soon, I will bring her back to Skyhold - of that you can be assured. All these months she has been fighting - putting her life on the line every moment of the day for us all - so we will be free of the monster that is Corypheus. I, for one, have never forgotten the sacrifices the Inquisitor has made for us. And she's out there, right now, stuck in the freezing cold battling demons you will only see in your nightmares. For us.'

Maybe now they would back off with the whining with this, the most public display yet of their Commander's support for the Inquisitor. His loyalty was as unwavering as it always had been, and would continue to be until he died.

He dropped his voice, pitched just for Blackwall once more as Cullen issued a final warning. ‘If I ever see you stripping her naked with your eyes again, or lusting after her in any way, your life is forfeit. Find someone else to gawp at. If there is any honour left in you, see to it that you keep your word. On both counts.’

After a pause, Blackwall nodded again, the darkness in his eyes not abating. Cullen wasn’t sure if he saw a glimmer of respect appear and decided his vision, blurred from the cracking pain behind his eyes, was faulty.

‘Are the two of you quite done?’ Cassandra’s acerbic reprimand cracked through the dead silence of the bar.

Blackwall slumped to the floor as he released his iron grip, his breathing raw as he gasped for air.

His own head was pounding, he felt an urgent need for fresh air and his nose was aching worse than if it had been smashed to pieces. He also suspected that he’d have one huge bruise on his left jaw in the morning.

Cullen felt surprisingly good, all things considered.

He looked around. Everyone was frozen, everyone staring at them both with a mix of fascination and disbelief that their Commander and a member of the Inquisitor’s Inner Circle would stoop to the level of a bar brawl. The only sound was Blackwall's rasps for air and his own laboured breaths.

Turning slowly, he spied Cassandra with a fierce look of disapproval and slight confusion on her face that made him, irrationally, want to laugh. He felt like a recruit again, caught out for a rather serious misdemeanour. So long as he didn’t have to spend twenty-four hours reciting the Chant of Transfigurations and a week on latrine duty, Cullen didn’t really care.  

Varric and Cadan were also standing next to her, trying very hard not to laugh at him. Cadan silently held out his sword which he accepted gratefully, missing the weight of it on his hip. He put his hand in his pocket,  throwing down a handful of golds on a nearby table to compensate for the damage they had both caused.

‘I believe we are done, thank you Seeker,’ Cullen responded belatedly to Cassandra, wiping away the worst of the blood on his face as he gingerly checked his nose was still in one piece.

Cadan and Varric were expectant, as impatient as he was to end to the last significant threat before they could take Corypheus down. All he wanted to do now was get on with what needed to be done.

_Hold on for me, my lady, just a bit longer. It’s nearly over._

_I_ _promise I will be there soon._

‘Half an hour.’ There was no option for discussion from Cullen’s tone as he looked at them both, seeing them understand his meaning.

He wouldn’t accept anything less than Leaena, well and whole, by his side once more. The icy rage still pulsing strongly through his veins was mixed with the desperate need to see her, so powerful now he was fighting to keep control of himself.

Ignoring everyone, Cullen stalked out of the Herald’s Rest to get his bags, shouting for his horse to be saddled. He would wait no longer.


	84. Descent

Lea stared at the frozen wasteland around them. The early morning sun had turned the snow a blinding white, overlain by the red tinge that was now present in her vision. Her eyes caught the brightness reflected by the glittering mountains of red crystal, spreading its pestilence everywhere she looked. It was even pretty, if one could give a compliment to anything tainted by the Blight.

The corruption of red lyrium drew her in no matter where she was. It was a permanent fixture within her now, crawling deep beneath her skin like skittering, tiny bugs digging through her veins. The stench too had taken residence in her brain, the rotten sweetness of it terrifying all on its own.

The weeks in Emprise du Lion had systematically ground her resistance down to less than nothing.

Constant nightmares met her every night in the Fade, the brief respite she’d had thanks to Alistair’s protective presence now a distant memory. If she thought about their content too much she would lose what remained of her sanity. Lea spent most of her time on guard patrol at night instead, Cole sometimes appearing to keep her company.

She felt the horror and despair, a result of the dual emotions of blind need and being repulsed to the point of vomiting. It left her so traumatised she couldn’t identify between reality and Fade when she woke.

It was always a variation on the same theme – the heat of Cullen’s skin against hers, whispering to her his need for her. He let his fingers trail down one breast, slowly over her stomach as he circled her belly button teasingly before sliding down between her legs, Lea screaming and pleading with him to stop.

Red eyes, burning with lust and something close to madness would focus on hers, before he simply continued with whatever he wanted to do to her. He’d put one finger in her mouth, forcing her to taste the wetness that had already spread across her thighs, giving her a knowing smirk. Then he’d carry on to rape her, destroying her innermost cherished dreams, every action designed to crush her beyond redemption.

Her body never, ever denied him – but her mind begged continually for the Maker to take her to His side.

_If that is to be my destiny, then I would rather die._

_But….it’s not him. They can’t take that away from me._

She’d forgotten what life was like, to not feel an urgent need to vomit all day long. Dorian and she had taken it in turns sometimes – one would be sick, just in time to relieve the other. As for her mind – Lea and the voices had almost made friends now. They were her habitual companion, the one thing she could trust. There was that other, calling her too. So many things talking to her at once.  

_Coin…._

_It’s important. For something…._

Reaching inside her pocket, Lea let her fingers slide over the warm silver piece, struggling to remember what she was doing there in the first place and wondering why the opposing sensations of safety and fear had suddenly flooded her.

_Because they hate Cullen._

‘It sings,’ a voice piped up next to Lea, taking her by surprise. ‘Sick music.’

‘It does,’ she agreed, blinking back into reality as Cole appeared next to her. ‘That’s why we have to stop it.’

‘It’s made from people. I’m sad too, Lea.’ The spirit shook his head sadly as Lea fought yet another wave of nausea.

She’d seen it yet again - people, farmed for red lyrium. The reports that had started with Trystan had said so, and she had the memories of it from her trip to the future. But nothing had prepared her for the reality of so much misery. Hundreds of bodies, so misshapen and deformed, red lyrium bursting from skin torn beyond repair, parts of bone jutting through muscle as the crystals rapidly took hold.

They had done what they could to put an end to the suffering. All four of them, plus the troops there in support, had taken the fight against the Red Templars to new levels. It had, for each and every one of her party, become personal.

It had been impossible to harden themselves against the sheer despair in Sahrnia Quarry. A part of Lea’s soul had perished along with all the innocent people sold to their deaths by that wicked Orlesian noblewoman. It had taken weeks of relentless, fierce fighting to clear the Red Templars out and save those they could.

She'd found it difficult, writing the report to Cullen with what they had found. He would know, out of anyone, what she planned. And she had to prevent it somehow.

_He can never come near here, ever. I can’t lose him._

_I will have revenge. And they will help give it to me._

Her hatred of red lyrium, and of lyrium in general, had grown to become an all-encompassing obsession. She refused lyrium potions now, the call of their music too similar to what she sensed in Cullen, convinced the more she added to her body the more her magic would feed whatever was left in him – if they ever saw each other again. The flows of the two, red and blue, were forever spinning in her mind, an eternal dance of opposing forces as one tried to dominate the other – fighting for ultimate supremacy.

The noise just wouldn’t leave her alone. Shaking her head, wincing slightly as pain lanced through her brain, she just managed to refocus on Cole as she tried to reassure him.

‘She will be punished, Cole. I have asked Cullen to make sure she is arrested and bought to Skyhold for judgement.’ It didn’t matter how often she tried to steel herself. Lea’s soul bled a bit more every time she spoke his name.

‘That’s good. She was a bad woman.’ Cole stared at her, unblinking. ‘You have red inside you, Inquisitor. That’s not good.’

Cole’s abrupt pronouncements normally never failed to make her smile. Except right now, she could do without her innermost fears being spouted for everyone to hear.

‘Both Dorian and I are struggling, Cole. And remember, what we said about just speaking out without thinking first?’ She felt like she’d just shouted at a puppy as Cole hung his head dejectedly.

‘I’m sorry. I keep making it worse.’ The spirit scuffed his boot in the ice, clearly feeling bad.

‘You don’t make it worse. It’s just – some things need to remain private.’

_Hidden. From everyone. The spirit can’t sense us._

It hadn’t occurred to her how challenging it was to hide with a Spirit of Compassion in her company. But somehow it was working.

‘Boss!’ Bull’s holler from the camp snapped her out of her thoughts. ‘Are we heading towards that keep or what?’

‘We are,’ she called back, determined to finish this last task. ‘I just need to check my messages before we leave.’

Everything had become very clear to her over the last few weeks. There was only one job left for her to do before she would be free to lure Corypheus to her. The nightmares would end and the world would be free of red lyrium. So long as she focussed on that one goal, it was easier for her mind to not fall apart.

Often she would become distracted, stopping to listen to the distorted song all around her or converse with the voices about the best course of action next. If she thought about finding Imshael and Samson, then she could chat almost normally. She hoped.

They knew something was up with her. Everyone stared at her, watching her all the time, her skin prickling with unwelcome awareness, making her want to hide. The hood of her cloak was permanently up so Lea could hide her face away from the rest of the world.

_If I can’t see them, they can’t see me._

_No one must know._

She felt around in her pocket for the letters she had picked up earlier. Lea had banned all communication by her companions, refusing to be spied on by Skyhold. The face on the Requisition officer when she had baldy stated their orders had nearly been enough for Lea to give a severe reprimand, if Dorian hadn’t steered her away in time.

Lea had been surprised at how accommodating her companions had been. That just made her more suspicious. She was continually seeing people having hushed conversations, watching her surreptitiously, trying to make her fail in the only goals that mattered to her.

_Why?_

_No. Letter._

Cole had disappeared once more, leaving her to flick through what post had arrived. Her heart stopped when she recognised his handwriting, just as it did every time a letter from Cullen arrived for her.

She ignored everything else in her need to see what he’d sent her. Eagerly, she broke open the seal, sitting down on a mound of snow and ignoring how cold she was. Hearing from Cullen took her craving for him away – a tiny bit – and pushed the voices aside for a time. It was why they hated him but she didn’t care.

_Leaena,_

_I hope you are keeping well in the snows of Emprise du Lion. Even with your magic protecting you – make sure you wrap up well. I can’t warm you up from this far away._

_We had a terrible blizzard through Skyhold the other day. It ended up looking like a castle from a fairy tale for a while, all white-capped turrets glowing in the moonlight with the_ _lights of the fortress glowing in the dark. You would have liked it. Next time that happens we shall walk the battlements and enjoy the view together._

_This will be a brief letter as there are other urgent matters that I need to resolve. But the first piece of information is of vital importance. We have Samson’s location – the Shrine of Dumat, in northern Orlais. We can now plan the attack to destroy his red lyrium armour as well as him and the remaining Red Templars._

_I suggest sending a troop there to fight alongside you – it is not somewhere I’d recommend that you approach on your own. I await your final orders._

_The other is more of a confession but I wanted you to hear it from me rather than anyone else. Blackwall and I had a minor altercation in the Herald’s Rest. It has all been resolved and there is nothing for you to worry about. Both our tempers were simply a bit too short after a long day._

_I miss you, my lady. Nothing is the same without you. Please look after yourself._

_Maker watch over you._

_C_

To see such tender and loving words from Cullen right now - the concise, methodological script so reminiscent of him - reminded Lea that the nightmares and voices weren’t real. That wasn’t him at night, just as she knew, in her rare lucid moments, this wasn’t her.

Against all the odds and after everything she had put him through, he was still patiently waiting, unwaveringly loyal. Where her other two advisors had sent chastisements and threats, Cullen continued to have a steadfast faith in her she wasn’t sure she deserved any more.

Lea’s fingers were clutching the parchment so tightly they made holes down the sides. Her eyes scanned his words over and over again, each one a gentle caress that smoothed away the worst of her hallucinations. She could just see Cullen, sat leaning over his desk with a slight frown of concentration as he wrote, surrounded by reports and requisition orders stacked all around him.

He behaved as if nothing had changed, fully expecting that she would return to him one day. It made her half-believe it would be possible at times. She lived for his letters and his dry humour, sometimes with wistful observations on Skyhold that he’d wanted her to see. Lea despised herself even more every time she forced her hand to pen an impersonal, cold response.

She could never resist, however, a small reminder at the bottom of each one about his promise never to take lyrium again. Lea hoped Cullen would interpret that for what it was – how much she loved him. It was small effort on her part to support him in his crusade to be forever free of the lethal blue liquid.

_But they might know._

A wave of intense anxiety washed over her, making Lea shiver. Letting her finger trace over the thick black quill strokes on the paper, she made herself think only of Cullen, even as the voices protested loudly, demanding all her attention be given over to them.

_When my nose is cold he always makes me rest it against his neck where I can warm it up. Then he drops a light kiss right on the tip and takes a scarf, wrapping me up tightly and covering the lower half of my face in just in the right way so I can still breathe. He’ll take my cloak and tuck everything in so it doesn’t let air in…._

Lea let her thoughts drift, memories of Cullen all that kept her mind from being completely consumed by madness. Slowly, the noise abated, leaving her able to function once more for a short time as she re-read the information he’d sent.

His words on Samson had been exactly what she’d been waiting for, the feeling of nervous excitment starting to rise in her stomach. There was no time for her to act on it now – they were due to move out to take Suledin Keep soon with the soldiers that Cullen had sent her. So far, it didn’t look like he was planning on heading to Samson himself. She’d expressly forbidden him to do so.

_That wouldn’t stop him though._

She vaguely remembered Samson’s armour, heavy plate etched with a continual flow of red lyrium running in thick, sinuous lines all over the metal. It glowed brightly in the darkness of the dungeon, just like the sickly red sword glowering by his side. Her focus was never Samson in those hideous hours, and she hadn't bothered to pay much attention to what he wore.

Cullen and Dagna had always insisted that was his weakness, so she’d just agreed to letting them get on with it. There was no room left in her head to think about anything else.

_They are calling me. I must go. One is near._

Lea shook her head hard, trying to push the incessant singing to one side. It wasn’t time yet. Focussing again with great difficulty on the letter once more, her brow furrowed in consternation at Cullen’s last paragraph.

‘Shit,’ she swore softly, concern and worry for Cullen pushing everything aside momentarily as she wondered how quickly they could make it back to Skyhold.

_Not now._

Her tiny corner of sanity was appalled at how she was letting the Inquisition fall apart around her. But the majority of her was living in her hazy red world, fixated on one thing only. Nothing else mattered.

Folding up his letter, Lea put it inside a pocket right next to her heart, again letting her fingers graze over the small piece of silver that resided there still. It was something she reached for so often she’d lost count.

The Ferelden coin was nestled in amongst all of Cullen’s other letters which were creased almost beyond legibility. She read them over and over again several times a day - the one link she had left to a life she could no longer claim as her own.

Standing upright a bit too quickly, Lea made herself dizzy. Her red-tinged world spun around her as she fought off a wave of nausea, resting her hands on her knees and breathing in and out deeply.

_They must not know._

‘Lea, did you eat this morning – of course you didn’t. The concept of food and regeneration has escaped you yet again.’ Dorian ran over to her, resting a hand on her back. ‘Can I get you anything? And don’t say no.’

‘Cullen and Blackwall got into a fight. And just some bread and cheese, please.’ Anything to make people leave her alone.

_Please, no, don’t touch…._

Lea balled her hands into her cloak so he wouldn’t notice the permanent tremor she’d developed.

‘I’m amazed it only happened now. It’s been a long time coming. Over here – we’ve just laid out breakfast.’ Not taking no for an answer, Dorian firmly steered her towards the table where various sandwich materials and fruit were lain out for the whole camp.

She absently put some cheese between two pieces of bread, trying to not to choke as she swallowed the unwanted food down. Pulling her hood down sharply as she felt it slip back, Lea’s eyes were in shadow once more as she deliberated the information in Cullen’s letter further. The Shrine was right on the border with Tevinter….

‘Did Cullen give any further detail on this said fight? Such a shame to have missed it.’ Dorian’s ringing voice cut through the circular arguments she was having in her head.

‘None. He described it as a ‘minor altercation’ that was now resolved. I can’t have the Commander of the Inquisition and a member of my Inner Circle brawling like thugs in public.’ Lea couldn’t, however, find the energy to be angry.

_When did I last sleep?_

_It doesn’t matter. It makes it worse._

It was the Western Approach all over again. She made sure she slept far apart from the main camp, not a problem these days as they had secured all but the keep. The amount of times she’d woken, a weapon in her hands or her magic burning through her at an alarming rate, was enough to make sure she was nowhere near in case she hurt anyone.

‘Well, hadn’t you better go back to Skyhold to fix it then? There’s not much you can do out here.’ Dorian was never one to mince his words. His blatant reminder of her failings as an Inquisitor did nothing for the acid churning away in her stomach.

‘We will take the keep and then we – we need to move north,’ she replied, stuttering as she struggled to get the words out. ‘And once that is done…’

_No one must know. Don’t question me. Why are you questioning me?_

_Not yet. We are yours._

She stopped, the voices whispering incessantly to her once more as she tried in vain to finish her sentence. Fortunately for her, Bull came striding over at that point with a look of eagerness on his face.

‘Let’s go. Soldiers are ready to move out. Forward scouts report a heavy Red Templar defence and traces of giant footprints.’ His look of glee and mention of giants was enough for the voices to release Lea from her trance as she looked around for Cole.

‘Cole? Oh good.’ He materialised in front of her as she swung her staff into her hands, gripping it tightly to hide her trembling. ‘Are we all ready? Dorian, how are you this morning?’

‘I’ll cope. I managed some sleep.’ He gave her a slightly accusatory glance as she squinted, trying to check the colour of his aura which had just a hint of green. ‘More than you, I think.’

_Maker, I wonder what colour mine is._

‘It doesn’t matter.’ Lea dismissed her own, and Dorian’s concerns, unaware that she’d been standing staring at nothing for several minutes before giving a response. ‘Bull, run us through the tactics again?’

‘Sure thing,’ he rumbled, nonchalantly twirling a battleaxe the size of Cole as if it were a toy. ‘We’ll be the advance party. It’s better to go as a small group and wipe the area, then a company of soldiers will follow. Take ‘em down in small groups, don’t rush so we don’t get overwhelmed. Standard stuff really.’

She nodded her agreement, falling back a little as Bull and Dorian walked on together. Their heads were bent together and their bodies unconsciously close, in a way only two people in love could be. It made her smile to see her two friends so happy, their relationship growing from strength to strength.

_It can be mine. We are yours. Come to us._

_I can’t….I want to remember…_

Maker, she missed Cullen, with a blazing intensity so powerful it had left a permanent mark on her soul. Knowing what he was feeling and where he was, his lyrium winding lazily around her magic in its almost sensual dance, had once been as much a part of her as breathing. Now it was all gone.

She didn’t realise how far behind she’d fallen behind the group as she ambled along the path to Sahrnia in a world of her own.

_The memory of him – the hundred different ways he has of smiling…..the sound of his laughter, warm and deep…..how well my body fits next to his….the feel of his stomach and chest muscles, naked, warm against my back as he tightens his arms round my waist, his hands sliding teasingly upwards….._

_Leave me! This is mine!_

_…..kissing my neck and nibbling on my earlobe whilst murmuring softly in his deep velvet voice how much he loves me, making feel like the most special woman that ever lived……_

Lea fought to recollect the real Cullen, the voices angry at the intrusion into their territory. Every day they drifted further and further away from her. They had all but been obliterated by the red lyrium monster of her nightmares. Once that took over completely, she knew she would be lost forever.

 ‘Safe and solid, protecting and proud. He feels like quiet, stronger when you hold him.’

She ground to a halt, startled out of her alternative universe as Cole’s voice, loud and insistent, broke through the manic singing in her ears.

‘What?’ She blinked in complete confusion whilst, somehow, the beautiful words acted as a balm against the chaos running unchecked in her mind.

They had walked further than she’d realised and were almost at the point where they’d intended to launch their attack.

Pale eyes, almost translucent, gazed back at her unblinking. ‘He has found his place, his purpose - defending you, keeping you secure.’

‘He – he thinks that?’ Lea rubbed her hands across her forehead and cheeks, trying to make the headache subside as she processed Cole’s words.

‘You’re very loud, but you’re talking to someone else. Only this works. I thought it might help.’ The boy’s face reflected his consternation at not being able to hear what was going on in her head.

‘Thank you, Cole. It does.’ Lea gave him one of the first proper smiles in months as she felt a measure of calm and peace settle her, her mind clearing enough to prepare of the imminent attack.

‘I’m glad you’re back, Inquisitor. The bad people are waiting – he is waiting for you. We shouldn’t delay.’ He disappeared again.

_Oh. No more happy place._

_What else does he know?_

Doing her best to ignore the descent of a thick cloak of paranoia threatening to suffocate her, Lea checked her gear and potions once more. She managed to file away Cole’s words to think about later. She couldn’t be distracted now.

Her belt and her trousers were annoyingly loose as she looked around to get her bearings. The keep was just ahead, patrolled by Red Templars who they’d have to take down first. To Lea’s surprise she saw another person with Bull and Dorian at their agreed rendezvous point – someone she didn’t recognise.

Rapidly making her way forward, her eyes widened with interest to see the man was a Chevalier; another blonde, handsome warrior. Vivienne’s words, scratching like nails against her skull, made her even more defiant to prove the nightmares wrong.

_Not Cullen. So you can all fuck off. I am not a whore!_

‘Boss,’ Bull waved casually towards the unknown man, who gave her a deep bow. ‘You need to hear what he says.’

‘Inquisitor. My name is Ser Michel de Chevin.’ He rose, his blue eyes steady and his head held proudly as he met her increasingly penetrating gaze.

‘What brings Celene’s champion to Emprise du Lion?’ Lea raised her eyebrows in surprise. She didn’t want to waste any words, curious to hear his story.

‘I am Celene’s champion no more,’ he replied neutrally, dismissing his role with the Empress almost as trivial. ‘I have been tracking a demon by the name of Imshael. However, with the amount of red Templars around, I have been unable to get inside the keep. The arrival of Inquisition forces has given me some hope that it can be destroyed.’

Lea’s eyes glittered dangerously as a cold smile spread across her lips. This was what she had been waiting for, the last obstruction in her way to Samson. Now was not the time for polite chit-chat to find out why he wanted the demon dead. Gaspard had already told her. It just mattered that his purpose was aligned with hers.

‘As you can see, we are ready to strike. I want this keep for the Inquisition. Is there any further intelligence you can add? And will you join us?’ She didn’t want to deny the knight a chance of retaliation for whatever had happened, although she fully intended to serve Imshael the killing blow.

‘I cannot, much though it would give me great pleasure to do so. There is a group of villagers who are under my protection and I have promised to escort them back to Sahrnia. They would be too vulnerable with the fighting about to commence.’ He looked briefly at Bull and Dorian. ‘I have shared what knowledge I have with your team.’

‘Very well and thank you for your assistance. I find I am impatient to begin. Watch for the Inquisition flag at the keep – that will tell you when we are successful.’ It didn’t enter her head that it would be anything less.

Michel gave her another bow and moved away, as Cole popped into view next to her again. Looking forward to the keep, Lea gestured to them to follow.

‘Same demon again, Lea? Don’t forget what happened last time. It’s got power unlike anything I’ve come across.’ Dorian looked across at her worriedly. ‘How is it you are so laid-back about the whole thing?’

‘I do what I must,’ she muttered, staring at the heavy gates preventing her access to the demon. She didn’t want to talk about it. ‘Are we ready? I think we know the drill by now. Give the signal, Bull.’

With no further delays, they launched their assault on Suledin Keep. It was a bloody and difficult battle, with groups of Red Templars putting up ferocious resistance. Lea’s magic was dancing, its song a complete counterpoint to the dark voices. They’d reached an agreement for the duration of the battle. They’d left her alone.

It was a blessing to have her head so clear as she lost herself to the ebb and flow of her spells and the thrust and parry of her staff. Her anger sustained her when she wondered if she was too tired to continue. Lea was fixated with the need for closure, to punish Imshael for turning her into this shadow.

Slowly, they made their way into the very heart of the ancient Elven structure, Bull whooping with delight as they engaged some giants in their way. Lea steeled her heart against the signs of further atrocities the Red Templars had committed, visible every way they turned as she kept pushing them onwards.

Before she knew it, the forbidding, oppressive presence she remembered all too well from the Winter Palace slithered over her senses. Resisting the urge to slink away, she motioned for them to stop as they reached a terrace just outside a large, open-air dais.

Dorian nodded to her, indicating he knew too what they were facing. ‘It’s almost pointless keeping quiet,’ he whispered to her with a slight grimace. ‘That thing has known we were coming for some time.’

_I know. It’s been inviting me to Suledin since we first arrived._

‘I can hear the Templars. He has several of them around him. He feels wrong, Inquisitor.’ Cole shivered slightly, Lea well able to sympathise with the conflict within him now.

‘Let’s go kill them, Cole. The song will end then. Bull, are you good to go?’ Two horns dipped in agreement as Bull looked apprehensively ahead.

‘Demons, yes?’ He coughed slightly. ‘So do we just smash it all, or what?’

‘Bull, seriously, you’ll single-handedly take on three giants but a paltry demon is beyond you?’ Lea felt a flash of her old self return as she teased the suddenly hesitant Qunari. Even the red tinge seemed less.

‘Yeah, yeah, whatever. Do you see the snow melting round this red lyrium shit?’ Bull’s edginess hadn’t abated whatsoever.

‘Here’s the deal. We kill this demon now then, when Cullen’s engineers have rebuilt the bridge we’ll go and play with some dragons. Fair enough?’ She started to grin at the immediate change in Bull even as Dorian groaned behind her.

‘You are far too pleased about that, kadan. Why do you encourage him, Lea?’ He’d put one hand on his head in mock resignation even as he smiled slightly at the banter.

‘That’s what we need to be doing, not any of this demon Fade bullshit. No offence, Cole.’ Bull looked apologetically at the boy who gave him a happy grin.

‘The Iron Bull, do you ever worry about a demon standing to your left where your eye can't see?’ Cole blinked innocently at him as a look of alarm appeared on Bull’s face.

Lea and Dorian both laughed as quietly as they could at Cole’s joke, one that had neatly wrong-footed him. Except with Cole, you never knew if he was serious or not.

She was amazed, as she often was, at the ability of her companions to find humour in the most perilous of situations. Just like now.

‘Right, shall we do this? No more delays.’ She nodded at them, her expression fierce. ‘Follow my lead.’

Without waiting for anyone, Lea marched round the corner into a large pavilion. There was a towering red lyrium crystal shard in the middle, the veins shooting through the structure clearly pulsating with the Blight. Several Red Templar lieutenants were stationed around the edges but she ignored them. Her attention was fixated on the man-shape in the middle, dressed in dark clothing which made its face in contrast as white as death.

‘Ah. The hero arrives.’ It gave her a short bow, the gravelly, inhuman voice grating on Lea’s nerves. ‘I was wondering what was taking you so long to come and see me.’

‘Imshael. I’m sorry to have kept you waiting.’ As she walked slowly towards the demon, she realised she couldn’t feel a light breeze any more. The Red Templar monsters were frozen in position and her friends weren’t behind her. It had stopped time again.

‘All this effort, just for me? I’m flattered.’ She didn’t hide the note of sarcasm in her voice as she stopped in front of him.

Up close and out in the open, Lea could see how insubstantial the desire demon’s shape was. The malevolence from the horror in front of her was deliberate, designed to intimidate and dominate her mind.

_Well, unlucky for you, there’s no room in there for anyone else._

‘So why don’t we just cut to the chase, Imshael. You farm red lyrium from people for Corypheus. You’ve been invading my mind in the Fade for months trying to make me mad. Yet here I am. There’s really nothing else to say.’ She raised her staff in the air, ready to strike and determined not to make the same mistake as last time.

‘You don’t like my handiwork? I am a gardener, Inquisitor. It is a fine art, to get the conditions just so. It’s kind of you to bring me such fascinating specimens to work from. And the best is yet to come.’ A cruel smirk appeared on Imshael’s lips as Lea froze mid-cast.

‘I’m impressed at your arrogance. You’ve been so busy running you haven’t a clue of the whereabouts of your Inner Circle. Whether you defeat me today or not is of little importance – a chain of events, out of your control, has begun. There’s nothing you can do to stop it. I don’t need to remind you of the potency of red lyrium do I?’

The low rasp of Imshael’s voice jarred every nerve in Lea’s body as the dawning realisation, the very thing she’d tried to prevent from happening, had been for nothing.

‘How satisfied you must feel, to lead those you care about the most into service for Corypheus. I can assure you that my master is looking forward to welcoming such powerful members into his ranks.’ The smirk had turned into a look of insatiable hunger.

‘There is another way to prevent that from happening. The choice I offered you in Halamshiral is still open, Inquisitor. It doesn’t have to be this way. Aren’t you tired of the fighting, tired of being away? Don’t you just want to rest?’

_Choices, choices, always the same one. Different ends to achieve the same goal?_

_There is but one purpose we have. We will help you. Let nothing in._

The stench of the red lyrium had combined with the repellent smell of demon, sticking in Lea’s throat and drying out her mouth. The white of Imshael’s face, hints of red shooting through the fine weave of magic holding him together, was gloating, convinced this time she would turn.

Blue fire exploded from the end of her staff towards Imshael just as her Spirit blade cleaved the image in front of her in two. A howl of rage and pain was torn from it as the world started to move again. She heard shouts from her friends as they arrived behind her, immediately starting to attack the infuriated desire demon.

Granted, there was yet again a ten foot tall spinning fiend with about as many pairs of arms as it was tall but, on the whole, Lea felt quite sanguine about things.

‘You’re not much of a desire demon are you?’ she taunted with derision, her lips curving in satisfaction at its incoherent gibbering. ‘You make it so easy for me to say no. There is no choice you could ever offer that makes it worth my while.’

She was watching the fight from high above, abstractedly observing her spell sequences and listening to herself continuing to hurl insults at the Fade creature that had so tormented her for so long. It was weakening steadily, squeals of anger turning into fear at the relentless pummelling the Inquisition was subjecting it to, its Red Templars already defeated.

As Lea had always known, the vile creature that had caused so much dread to so many, finally died in agony amidst a storm of flames and steel. She felt a thread within her snap, a connection severed, as a hiss of steam arose from the corpse left in front of her.

_Free. They are waiting for me. They are coming for me._

Conversations were happening, cheers and relief from the soldiers who’d joined them echoing distantly in her mind. The Inquisition flag was raised, another visible sign of triumph over the evil that Corypheus represented. The Red Templars and their red lyrium farming had been wiped out.

_It is time._

Ser Michel was saying something to her, and her lips were responding. She felt the vibration of words in her throat and at the back of her mouth, seeing people nodding their agreement.

_It is time._

Her companions were encouraging her to join them for a drink. It was late afternoon by now, the hours of bloody and exhausting battle beginning to catch up with them all. She waved them all on, her whole being insulated by a red-white blanket of fog as she continued to speak with with the captain in charge of the mission.

_We wait._

She walked around the keep, admiring the craftsmanship of the ancient Elves and watching the painstaking work begin to make it habitable. She made sure she was visible, spending time with the soldiers and listening to their thoughts and concerns.

_Now._

She walked out of the keep, letting a guard know she was heading back towards the camp. The sun had begun to set – nighttime always appearing abruptly at this time of year. At a turn in the road where she was hidden from view, she disappeared in a different direction. Her horse was waiting in the shelter of an abandoned barn, her bags already waiting where she’d prepared everything the night before.

_I already knew. They are calling me._

_They mustn’t see. They mustn’t know. Don’t come near me._

She quickly prepared everything to leave, her hood up with a scarf round her face and wearing completely different armour, ensuring no one could recognise her. As she immediately set her horse to a gallop, making quick headway on the road out of the Emprise du Lion, the voices were clamouring, the red lyrium dancing and weaving a lethargic pattern deep within her mind.

_No blue. Just red. The green awaits._

The only thing left to Lea was the drive to get as far away as possible, her skin crawling so badly by this point that even being near people made her want to kill them. She didn’t want people. She wanted to be alone. Her ears were ringing and her vision was distorted, still feeling as if she were two people, watching herself through a smudged lens.

She only had one more job to do. Then it would be over. Her thoughts were circling like a dog chasing its tail, a never-ending cycle of cause and effect of all her actions, and everything she had planned being whipped up to a fever pitch in her head.

_We are on the way, like I promised. They won’t find me._

_I will not fail you. It only takes one. The last thing._

Lea’s only focus was to put as much distance between her and Cullen before he caught her. She couldn’t let that happen. Forever, she had to stay far away. That was the price for their help, so he would be safe. She felt emotionless, numb and cut-off from the world around her – completely unafraid of what still had to be done. It would be worth it in the long run.

Sleep was irrelevant as she drove her horse harder. The thundering sound of its hooves was the only noise in the still night air as hour after hour passed with only the occasional traveller on the otherwise empty road. They didn't even give her a second glance. With her voices for company she didn’t need to rest. They offered all the sustenance she needed.

The blood red of the moon’s glow matched the colour of her irises as Lea looked up, the light briefly catching the glint of insanity flickering in her eyes. Thinking of the vengeance that would be hers, a dark smile of anticipation spread across her lips as she steadily made her way north.


	85. Hunting the Hunter

He’d noticed it from quite a distance away, the song that sounded so right, yet so wrong. The first time he remembered hearing red lyrium’s call, long ago in Kirkwall, Cullen had been fascinated and repulsed by it at the same time. And nothing had changed since. Except now, given the sheer volume of Blight-tainted crystals in the area, it was almost all he could hear in his head.

The continual thirst the lyrium within him still demanded hadn’t abated, giving him two almost irresistible temptations he had to resist. It did nothing for Cullen’s foul mood, or the pounding headache that he’d had pretty much since Blackwall had punched him firmly in his nose several days ago.

Glittering shards the colour of blood rose out of the ground as they made their way towards Suledin Keep. Against his will, his eyes were continually drawn to the surprisingly pretty outcrops that were becoming more prevalent as they approached the old Elven outpost.

The low buzz in his ears was getting increasingly annoying as he shook his head, trying his best to ignore the craving that had started to make his hands shake. Gripping the reins, Cullen gave a low growl, determined to deny the music as he kicked his horse into a canter, needing to get to the Inquisition camp as fast as possible.

_Where are you, my lady?_

That Leaena had gone was inevitable. It was more of a case of who she’d gone with, but he needed answers before he could find her. It seemed the Inquisitor’s edict of no communication was still being held to faithfully by her companions and, irritatingly, by his troops although he could guarantee she was no longer there. The captain in charge had at least passed on the message that he was on the way.

‘Cullen! Wait in the stables!’ An urgent shout from the terrace high above where the Inquisition flag flew caught his attention, the voice familiar, although there was no one there.

‘Dorian.’ Varric noticed Cullen’s frown as the gates swung open to let them in.

‘Stables it is then,’ he replied, the feeling of unease intensifying as each second passed.

Out of all her companions, the ones Leaena was closest to were Varric, Dorian, Solas and Cassandra. Cullen had hoped against hope that she would have at least taken Dorian with her to find Samson. That did not appear to have been the case.

Their horses clattered noisily over the cobblestones as they followed a path that led them inside the keep. Cadan was tight lipped as he waited to hear what everyone had to say. Solas looked slightly green and was just as quiet, the red lyrium affecting him as badly as it did all mages.

To see just how widespread the corrupted substance had become pushed the normally sociable dwarf into silence. Varric seemed to be struggling with something fundamental inside him and was in no mood for conversation.

Guilt and responsibility did not make for comfortable bed fellows. Cullen knew that all too well.

_I’m not going to like this, am I?_

As they turned the corner, they saw Bull and Dorian waiting to greet them, both of them staring hard and unforgiving, right at him.

Not even waiting for his horse to stop, Cullen dismounted, almost wanting to run towards them and shake out from each and every one what they knew. He didn’t even think of exchanging greetings, his only intent being to find out what in the Maker’s name had gone wrong.

‘Where the fuck have you been, Cullen?’ Bull thundered at him in a fury. ‘How could you let this go on for so long?’

‘Not now, Bull. Just tell me. All of it.’ His voice was quiet but authoritative, making Bull back down slightly. ‘And whilst we are at it, I want to see the captain in charge.’

They nodded, with Bull making a start. ‘She left two days ago. Imshael –‘.

‘What?’ Cullen couldn’t quite believe just how badly things had broken down between the Inquisitor and Skyhold, for them to not have heard about the demon.

‘How did we not know?’ Cadan was almost accusing as Dorian and Bull as he looked at Cullen.

‘Oh, the demon is dead, that’s one thing less to deal with at least. But don’t be too hard on your Captain. Lea –‘, Dorian shook his head, frustration in his eyes as they met Cullen’s. ‘She’s been infected by red lyrium again. You thought the Storm Coast and Kirkwall were bad? This is a hundred times worse. It’s been like dealing with a wild animal – dangerous and unpredictable.’

He heard Varric give a sharp intake of breath behind him, as Solas moved forward to speak. ‘How bad? What was her aura like?’

‘Red. Not just a bit creeping in. Red, pushing away the blue. Maker’s Breath, I don’t know how it happened. We were so careful, to keep clear of it physically touching us. But she was already...’ Dorain broke off, distress at what they’d witnessed in Leaena evident in his eyes.

‘He came to her in nightmares. She fought, but he came anyway.’ Cole’s soft voice piped up from nowhere as he appeared in front of Cullen and Solas.

It was unnerving, how the spirit had a habit of just being there when you least expected him. Now though, Cullen was relieved. Most of the time it sounded like nonsense, but on this occasion he might find out more.

_He means me. I know that much, at least._

‘Thank you, Cole. I understand what you mean.’ Cullen certainly didn’t want something so private about Leaena to be broadcast. His heart twisted painfully, to know she was still having such nightmares about him.

‘Can you tell us what you know?’

‘They call her, softly, persuasive, but she doesn’t want to listen. A brush of silver reminds her - solid, protecting against the shadows and making them scream.’ His pale eyes looked at Cullen then, seeing straight past the anger to the very deep fear he’d kept hidden, bringing it out in the open.

‘She’s running out of blue, Commander. She’s going red, like them. The green helps keep the worst at bay. You have to hurry.’

Cullen looked across to Solas in confusion. ‘I get the blue and red, but the green? Her Mark?’

_And silver?_

‘Yes. I – let’s talk about this on the road. I presume we aren’t stopping.’ The elf clearly wished to say no more for now and there were other things Cullen still wanted to know.

‘So. She’s affected by the nightmares and red lyrium both. What else?’ His impatience to leave was only tempered by the need to find out as much as he could.

‘She was paranoid.’ Bull’s words were as blunt as Dorian’s. ‘Wouldn’t let any mail go anywhere. Which is why you never heard. The Captain didn’t want to disobey an order from the Inquisitor herself.’

 ‘Other days she was so utterly charming and back to herself it was hard to understand what was going on. Then, sometimes she didn’t even know who we all were, she was lost in a world of her own.’ Dorian elaborated further. ‘She never slept. Said she didn’t need it any more. That was when she nearly burned down the camp with her magic after a nightmare.’

‘Had to stop her from hurting herself several times,’ Bull carried on, sounding grim. ‘She’d appear somewhere with a knife in her hand. We tried to watch her at night and took it in turns but she’d evade even Cole.’

‘That is not my sister,’ Cadan breathed out in horror, unable to accept what he was hearing.

‘Welcome to red lyrium.’ Varric muttered darkly, his face black with rage.

‘As for how she left? Right after we killed the demon. She went around showing everyone she was there after the battle, calm and normal, then told a guard she was headed back to camp. Except she never arrived. No one realised until hours later that anything was amiss. We found hoof prints leading from an abandoned barn. The Boss had planned this for quite some time. All the villagers reported seeing a rider on a horse heading north across that big frozen lake out of Emprise du Lion late afternoon. No idea where she got the horse from – all ours were present.’

Bull fell silent, his eyes still hard as he looked at Cullen, deliberating whether to say anything further before deciding against it. But the accusation was there.

_I know I should have come earlier. Let us hope I’m not too late now._

‘We thought we’d wait here in case someone came. Thank the Maker you finally arrived, although I presume you’re just going to turn around and head straight back out again?’ Dorian’s gaze looked pointedly at the exit to the keep.

There was no time to waste. She had two days head start on him. ‘Yes. Thank you – it would have been a lot worse without you here. Just head back to Skyhold. I know where she is going, at least.’

Cullen turned back to look at the others. ‘Let me just speak to my officers. Take a break for a few minutes, then we head for the Shrine of Dumat.’

As he walked over to reassure the Captain and restore normal service to the mail, he was amazed he’d even managed to hold a conversation. His stomach was clenched with dread like he’d never known, barely listening to the report he was receiving.

After issuing some orders, he headed back towards his horse, seeing that his group hadn’t even bothered dismounting. Before Cullen got close, Cole appeared in front of him once more, holding out a hand to stop him.

‘Lea told me not to talk about people’s thoughts but you’re sad. You should know.’ Cole’s earnest face peeped out from underneath the brim of his enormous hat.

‘She just wanted to protect you. She missed you. It was so loud it hurt my ears. She never stopped thinking of you, and I mean, never. Secretly hoping you might come, secretly wanting to go back to Skyhold, hoping that the voices were wrong. But they didn’t like you so they drowned you both.’

Cullen stared at the spirit for a moment, emotions ripping through him so fast he was rooted to the spot.

‘You will make it better won’t you, Cullen? You will bring her back?’ The sorrow in Cole’s big eyes didn’t do anything to assuage Cullen’s guilt.

‘I will.’ His whispered promise was filled with steely resolve, mainly for himself.

Cole gave him a nod and disappeared once more.

_She still cares._

_All this time?_

Cullen ran a hand through his hair. He was fighting to control his devastation at how badly he’d miscalculated the situation, even as his heart soared to know for certain Leaena still loved him. He hadn’t appreciated just how ill she was. And for that he would never forgive himself.

 ‘Cullen, do you have a moment before you leave?’ Dorian motioned him to head over just away from the main group.

‘If you’re going to castigate me about letting Leaena go or not getting here sooner, join the bloody queue. Blackwall already punched me a few times, pretty damned hard as well, so you’re too late on that score.’ Cullen was in no mood to be further criticised - the gnawing hunger for lyrium, combined with the desperation to reach Leaena, leaving him with no patience.

‘Actually, I’m not. But that must have been a sight to witness. Tell me about it next time we are back in Skyhold.’ Dorian dropped his usual flippancy abruptly as he gave Cullen a look of understanding.

‘I just wanted to tell you – your letters. Lea would read them all the time when she had a spare moment. Almost as if they kept something at bay. It meant more to her than I think you realise, that you kept faith in her.’

‘So many people don’t understand. They are writing her off. But it wasn’t just me either. That you’ve all stood by her – it makes a difference.’ He just hoped it was enough.

‘People never do, my dear Commander.’ Dorian’s cynical response wasn’t surprising given what he’d experienced. ‘And it is the least I can do for all that Lea has done for me. Anyway, that’s quite enough soul searching for one afternoon. Haven’t you got an Inquisitor to find?’

Cullen shook Dorian’s hand, not needing to say how much the mage’s comments had meant to him. There was still a chance. He refused to give up hope as he walked back to his horse, impatient to get on the road north.

\------

Blinking, she looked around at the arid, empty desert landscape, the heat rising from the sand tinted with red in the blazing midday sun. Her hand smacked the side of her head hard, the buzz in her ears almost as intolerable as the searing pressure pulsating across her brain.

It didn’t help. Nothing stopped the voices these days, although she could still push them back at random times. Like now.

The dry air scalded her throat, parched and scratchy as she took in a deep breath, looking ahead towards some towers just visible in the distance. Satisfied she knew where she was, she leant against her horse, tied up in the shade of a pillar. Reaching into her pocket, her fingers felt something warm against their tips as she pulled it out, holding it up before her.

Blood red, the same size as her palm and as wide as two of her fingers, the shard’s core was pulsing hypnotically as she watched the Blight flow deep within the crystal. She felt the magic within her respond to the pull of the red lyrium, battling its toxicity, yet wanting to merge with its song at the same time.

The course of action she’d triggered weeks ago was now coming to fruition and she was beyond impatient to see it through. There was only one more person to kill before she finally reached her end goal.

Slipping the shard back into her pocket, her fingertips grazed over the silver coin that resided next to it. Gripping it tightly as the red lyrium vibrated against the back of her hand, both of the precious objects reminded her why it was so important she was there on her own. She’d never played for higher stakes in her life before, but if there was a time to do it then it was now.

It was almost too much, the magic coursing through her veins as she walked a little way away from her horse. Feeling elated and needing an almost sensual release, she raised her left hand high in the air whilst her right hand held her staff upright.

Two streams of pure energy blazed forth from her, combining together in the midday sky to create one single blast of power shooting straight towards the heavens. Green, blue and red entwined together as they continued their surge upwards while she exulted in the force and beauty of her magic.

After a few minutes, she slowly lowered her hands, the excess mana burnt off for the time being as she stumbled, still trembling from her exertions and frantic to find some sort of satisfaction. She was breathless, flushed with desire and lust, burning with a need that had not been properly met for months. Her eyes were closed as she leant back against the pillar with her legs spread slightly apart, her staff next to her as she let her gloves fall to the sandy ground.

One hand quickly undid the belt of her trousers as her right hand slid down beneath her pants, feeling immediately the wetness and heat pooled between her thighs, knowing this would take a matter of minutes, if that. Her skin was prickling with awareness and residual magic, her breasts aching and heavy. As she moved, she had to bite her lip in sensual pleasure every time her nipples scraped roughly against the material.

_Not enough. Something is missing. Someone…._

Her clit was already swollen, ready for more as she rubbed two fingers hard over the hard, pulsing nub. A moan escaped her as she remember someone else’s hands, the skin slightly calloused, slipping first one finger expertly over her slick folds, then two, before sliding them firmly into her moist entrance to fuck her hard.

The inside lining of her trousers was chafing at her wrist as her fingers moved faster and faster in a circular motion over her increasingly slick clit. There was no finesse to her movements, as she ignored the cramp in her hand. She forced her palm against the fabric of her pants onto her heated folds as she desperately sought more pressure and a quick release.

She didn’t care about the pain, too lost in an erotic world in her own head that she couldn’t control. Her magic was spinning madly, escaping from her other hand that was bracing her against the pillar.

_I’ve waited for you my whole life, Leaena. I’m not going to rush things now._

His voice, deep, velvety and husky with desire telling Lea he loved her, worshipped her, was the only thing she could hear in her mind, the voices unable to compete.

Short gasps of breath and whimpers were escaping her as more and more memories overloaded her mind. Her abdomen was clenched tight and her chest constricted and filled with electric fire. She was at that almost unbearably ecstatic point just before orgasm, the sensation flooding her whole body, leaving her heedless to anything else around her.

_Are you not enjoying this lesson in patience, my lady? I know I am._

_Warm toffee and whiskey? I……remember now._

She remembered his gentle teasing, his wet tongue flickering lightly over each nipple, leaving a trail of saliva over her skin, swirling round her belly button. She had begged and pleaded for ages for Cullen to put her out of her misery, before he’d had finally stopped tormenting her lower stomach. He’d only placed his fingers on her instead, lazily tracing the outline of each breast as he watched her face contort in pleasure and thwarted desire.

_Cullen!_

_Where are you? Please, I need you, help me! Before this…this takes me over completely!!_

Lea had a flash of forgotten memory of Cullen’s beautiful face giving her that sexy, wicked grin, knowing exactly what she needed. He then put his mouth to her soaking lips, his golden eyes watching as she shuddered and her head hung back with a soft groan. The heat of his mouth seared through her in as she felt firm swipes move slowly over her clit.

_Maker save me, it’s all red, it hurts…..Cullen….._

The scream she made involuntarily as she came quickly and suddenly, her juices covering every part of her hand, was nothing in comparison to the ones she had given every time Cullen bought her to orgasm. And nor was that climax in any way remotely satisfying. Certainly, her knees had buckled slightly and her body had shaken for a few seconds but that was it. 

They never were. Lea knew the reason why, even if the voices hated it, railing against that most intrinsic part of her being. She felt dirty, hated herself for being so wanton, unable now to control even the most basic of urges.

It was as if someone was watching her at the same time, making her skin crawl as she set all her wards again obsessively several times over.

The only benefit was that she remembered who she truly was in those few moments before and after. No matter how completely wrong she found that to be, Lea had to take opportunities to escape where she could.

_Cullen, please come to me._

_I can’t last much longer….he’s invaded everywhere…._

Panting slightly, her hand still loosely resting inside her pants, she lifted it out and wiped her fingers in disgust, loneliness and desolation replacing every other emotion so fast she nearly bent over double at how much it all hurt.

_The voices, there’s one, the one that speaks through the darkness._

_Cullen, I’m so scared….hurry…._

The memories came and went as the voices dictated. But when she remembered, she wanted to weep, terrified of forgetting all over again.

_It doesn’t matter. It’s all irrelevant._

Bewilderment clouded her memory almost immediately as she quickly readjusted her clothes and attached her staff. The closer she got to her goal, the more her magic seemed to rampage out of control. She was in a permanent state of semi-arousal, the battlelust coursing through her.

She’d hoped for sleep now the demon was dead but between those three things, that had been in short supply.

Her body was in agony once more now her magic had subsided and the brief respite her orgasm had given her had long worn off. It felt like something was trying to grow under her nails, into her scalp and everywhere in between, making her forcibly grip her hands to the urge to claw at her skin.

_You have bought me far, my friends._

A switch flicked once more in her head. She remembered again, but this time she could ignore the thoughts and the pain. Checking over her horse, the reason why she’d stopped lost in the shimmer of the desert’s haze, she mounted up once more and continued along the ancient road.

The towers and pyramid of the Shrine of Dumat made their way closer and closer to her as afternoon turned into evening. Finally, she slowed her horse to a walk as she neared. The Red Templar guards were there, grotesque and powerful, their eyes watchful as she approached.

She simply stared arrogantly at them and they stood to one side, letting her pass through. Tossing her hair over her shoulder, her horse moved underneath the huge arch, leading her right towards the stairs where she dismounted.

‘No weapons.’ A red lyrium thing that used to be human barked at her.

‘Who are you, to give orders to me?’ One look at her eyes had the lieutenant backing down straight away, albeit with a growl of unsatisfied need to do violence.

It was a need she knew, one she felt right now, her magic singing in her ears, in tune finally with the red voices that demanded rivers of blood.

Everyone was frozen as they stared at her, this stranger in their midst stalking through the halls as if she owned the place.

_Because I will._

Slipping off her gloves and holding them in one hand, she let the other slip into her pocket, feeling the razor-sharp edge of the warm shard, nicking her finger slightly on the pointed tip. It was as lethal as one of her daggers and the purest red lyrium she’d found.

Sucking on her finger, a slow smile spread across her lips as she continued her onward march. A familiar figure was waiting for her at the bottom of the steps, arms folded, his eyes glowing as brightly red as hers.

‘Samson.’ Her voice was low and husky as she walked languidly towards Corypheus’ general. ‘I have answered Corypheus’ call.’

‘We’ve been waiting for you, Inquisitor. So good of you to join us.’ Oh that look, she remembered all too well.

The shard, gripped in her fist, warm and comforting, sliced her hand open. She didn’t even feel the sting or the hot blood dripping through her fingers, soaking the letters and silver coin in her pocket. She just needed to mingle her life-force with the power of the red lyrium.

‘Lead on, General.’ Her eyes, blazing with their red-white fire, never left Samson’s face as he gestured for her to walk next to him.

‘I must say, that armour is quite a work of art.’ She let her tone be openly admiring, flattering his vanity.

‘You’ve had so much opportunity to admire it these last few months, Lea. I am pleased to show it off to you now in person.’ They reached the very back of the Shrine where Samson moved to close the door waving the guards away. ‘Leave us. I do not want to be disturbed.’

Still with her hands in her pockets, she sauntered around the large vault, red lyrium outcrops as prevalent here as they had been outside. Her grip on the shard hadn’t abated, merely tightened as the edges now sliced straight through to the bone underneath.

There was no pain for her though, only heightened awareness.

‘It is quite the operation you’ve set up here. How did you manage it?’ She positioned herself on Samson’s desk, spreading her legs slightly in blatant invitation. ‘I find myself keen to discover more.’

He leered at her, revealing the red lyrium growing inside his mouth where teeth used to be. ‘You were ever a dirty whore, Lea. How different things are now.’

‘Aren’t they just? We both have power neither of us could have dreamed of coursing through our veins.’ She was still smiling slightly, enticing him closer. ‘It is quite the aphrodisiac.’

‘Red lyrium has improved you for the better, it would appear. At last you can appreciate all the benefits it can bring.’ He finally was stepping closer to her, a grotesque twist to his distorted features.

_Still not enough._

‘Why don’t you come and show me what some of those benefits are?’ She let her legs spread a little wider, pushing her breasts out some more as she arched her back.

‘You are completely in its grip aren’t you? Imshael did his work well,’ Samson murmured, finally stepping between her legs. ‘And I will have two of you as a result, maybe even more.’

He stared at her for a second, searching for something in her eyes before giving a triumphant laugh. ‘Tamed, just as ordered. Now, Inquisitor, let me break you some more.’

With a rough growl, he grabbed a fistful of her hair, jerking her head backwards and biting down hard on her neck several times. The acrid smell of rotting flesh from red lyrium abuse and the Blight assaulted her senses even as she pushed both that and the pain away, locking her legs around his and pulling him closer.

Samson was so busy devouring her, his head now between her breasts, tearing the leather apart to get to the soft skin beneath, he didn’t see her lift her right hand from her pocket, blood flowing down her arm. She licked her inner wrist clean, the metallic, salty taste invigorating her as it smeared across her chin, cheek and lips and stained her teeth.

A bloody smile of pure revenge lit Lea’s face as she felt his teeth savage one of her nipples, Samson beginning to groan incoherently as she felt more abuse to her body with his hands now fumbling between her legs.

Her wrist raised high, she smashed the red lyrium shard hard into Samson’s neck, slicing through cartelidge, tissue and blood vessels as she used all her strength to drag it underneath his chin. It was the one vulnerable spot on his whole body, causing him agony as she worked the blade unevenly deep into the muscles.

He was screaming incoherently in agony as he sank to his knees, his Red Templars lost to independent thought and not coming to save him. Samson’s blood mingled with hers, gushing forth from his fatal wound, pumping out of his body and creating a pool of slick blackness on the floor where he was slumped. He was pawing at the tear in his skin, trying frantically to close it as she kicked his arms away.

‘You never learn, Samson. You will never have me, nor the Inquisition.’ Lea’s smile was cruel as she applied further pressure in her attack, determined to see this monster dead as she went to slice his windpipe open. ‘I will take what was yours and make it mine.’

Samson still hadn’t died yet because of the sheer force of red lyrium firing through his blood. He was staring at her in horror, pain and fury as his body battled back against her. She refused to be defeated as she watched the wound start to close, instead channelling a fine line of fire through the red lyrium shard to increase the levels of pain to unberable levels.

They were both now engaged in a tense fight, neither one prepared to be the loser as Samson managed to roll backwards, away from her.

‘You bitch!’ His wound resealed itself at a rapid rate before he advanced menacingly on her. ‘I will see you burn for this! Over and over, I will make you suffer!’

Undaunted, the fire of red lyrium heating her veins, her power a match for his, she faced him down. ‘Blaming me for your error of judgement, Samson? How do you think I would ever serve you and your whoreson of magister? Red lyrium has turned me into everything I was destined for! You and your master will learn to rue the day you crossed me. This that you command, and everything else, will fall before me!’

There was no doubt or uncertainty left in her any more. Her staff swung into her hands as Samson roared, his flaming red sword crashing towards her.

Lea laughed in delight. There was no turning back for her now, her eyes devoid of all reason as she engaged in the fight of her life. It was one she knew she would win.


	86. A Crimson Fortress

_The room is dark, the stony walls illuminated only by the glowing red pulses of the lyrium bursting through the walls. The cage is even more inescapable than before._

_Pain, pain is there, like before but worse. The wounds and the beatings get harder. They try, they try, and I fight them off._

_I am alone, for the first time. They have gone._

Immediately she reached out, using the green energy of her Mark to slip through the defences. The red masked the blue trace of her magic, enhancing its power at the same time. Using all her remaining energy, she called out to Cullen in one last, desperate effort before retreating inside her walls again.

The Inquisition didn’t need her sane to use her stolen magic. They just needed her alive. She would do her best to stay that way, although it was getting harder. Her body hung limply from her bonds now, spent from that one cast as the instability of her mind crept over her.

_I cannot last long. They are waiting for the next chance to degrade me. I have little left and no will to fight._

_The Taint steals your soul. Memories, so dear, now so abused, used against me, for some sort of sick, perverted pleasure._

_There’s no more control, stripped away, left with nothing._

_The Inquisitor, who should never have been. And here is the reason why. My name will be reviled, synonymous forever more with the end of the world._

_History is never kind to the losers, after all._             

\-----

‘Have I told you how much I hate the desert?’ Varric groused in irritation as he stripped Bianca down to clean again. ‘Just a few grains of sand are enough to throw the targeting completely. And this is a whole lot more.’

‘That’s only the hundredth time today. We’re quite happy to have a party with Samson on our own if you can’t hack it.’ Cadan was lounging backwards propped up by an elbow, doodling in the sand with the point of a dagger.

‘I can’t….oh fuck off.’ Varric glowered at Cadan’s grin, irritated he’d been gotten to.

‘He’s going to get what’s coming to him. I just want this shit done. Are we nearly there yet?’ Varric was almost plaintive, as he looked to Cullen.

‘You know it's only a few miles away.’ Flames licked up his sword as Cullen absently sharpened its edges by the fire, each rasp of the steel against the grinding stone sending small sparks shooting to the sand.

They had tracked Leaena this far but not managed to catch up with her. She’d hidden her trail expertly but there were tell-tale signs of where she had slipped up, a clear indication that her mind was completely unfocussed.

The Inquisitor he knew wouldn’t have used such powerful magic needlessly in certain areas, leaving her open to capture. The signature she’d left behind was just enough for an experienced Templar to pick up on – which he, of course, had recognised straight away.

Not that it mattered. He knew where she was going. All it did was confirm he had been correct and that she was still alive. With her magic dangerously out of control. Which meant her mind and body would be as well.

He was always searching for her, seeking any sign that the residual traces might lead him to the living version. His lyrium reacted even to a hint of Leaena’s unique mark, before it recoiled in disappointment when it realised she wasn’t there.

Sometimes Cullen thought he could hear her, calling his name, reaching across great distances, crying out for him – it had happened earlier that day. Then he decided the heat of the desert and his fear for her were pushing him towards delusions.

‘I just wish I knew what she had planned,’ he muttered to himself, frustrated and simply wanting to ride on and get her, leaving the others behind.

Their pace had been punishing and they’d gained some ground, sleeping only for a few hours at night. But everyone was exhausted and they simply couldn’t face a whole shrine-full of red lyrium monsters and demons without being at their best. Not to mention Samson in that armour.

‘You and me both, my friend.’ Cadan sat back upright, his eyes catching the light of the fire, the flames turning them red.

Seeing them burning, exactly the same as Leaena’s, Cullen felt the chill of premonition as he wondered if that was how hers would look now.

_Can she recover, or have I lost her forever?_

Unable to sit still, Cullen scraped the blade’s edge too hard, sending an ear-splitting screech through the still desert night.

‘Dammit Curly!’ Varric cursed, dropping some crossbow parts in the sand.

‘Sorry. I was thinking of something.’

‘Now I have to clean that part again,’ the dwarf grumbled, blowing firmly on the metal to get the worst of the grains off. ‘I’m guessing those thoughts aren’t good, judging by that expression. Remind me never to piss you off. Cassandra chasing me around was more than enough.’

‘It takes rather a lot to get me to that point, but one or two people seem to have managed it recently.’ The repetitive strokes of stone against steel just about managed to keep his simmering frustration under control.

‘I appreciated the entertainment with Blackwall, at least. That was quite close between the two of you.’ Cadan’s reminder of the night they left Skyhold made Cullen grimace as he saw a quick grin appear on Varric’s face.

‘Yes, thanks for that, Curly. Next time, warn me. I didn’t have chance to run any odds. Not much in it, to be fair.’

‘For the last time, he’s an impressive fighter, I only got the upper hand because I’m taller, and yes my nose has now recovered. Could we talk about something else? Cassandra and Josephine ringing a peal over my head is not something I’d like to focus on.’ Cullen shifted uncomfortably, embarrassed by the memory of two of the most terrifying women in the Inquisition chastising him in front of half of Skyhold's residents.

 _But I don’t regret fighting for her. I’d do it all again_.

‘Josephine can be fierce when she wants to be. I wish you luck, Cadan.’ Varric chuckled as Cadan gave one of the few proper smiles he’d shown this trip.

‘People dismiss Josie at their peril. She prefers to get her own way with her not insignificant charm, which had me hooked the moment I met her. I thought Bianca had much the same effect on you?’

Cullen listened to the two men in front of him continuing their lighthearted banter, but underneath clearly missing the women they loved as much as he did. The strain of this trip, and the duration of the whole campaign against Corypheus was beginning to take its toll. These days he found it almost impossible to sit down in the evening and talk about, well, anything. Silence was preferable.

‘Cullen!’ His head snapped up as Cadan threw a glove at his head.

‘I’ve been saying your name for a minute. Do you want a game of cards? We’re going to have a quick hand before bed.’

‘No, thank you. Not tonight. I’ll just go and speak to Solas and arrange to take over from his watch soon.’

Pushing himself to his feet, he headed towards where the elf would be. It was pitch black with no other light aside from what the crescent moon gave them. They were the only people for many miles, far enough away from the Red Templar encampment for it to not be a worry, but close enough for Cullen to be on extra alert.

Solas was sitting apart from them all, staring almost in a trance out over the desert. Cullen wasn’t fooled, knowing that the mage would have been aware of his intention the moment he’d set foot away from the camp fire.

He had long been a mystery to Cullen, this apostate who had materialised out of nowhere when the Breach appeared. The elf had magical abilities unlike anything of his experience, and more knowledge of rifts and Leaena’s Mark that was explainable by the very little Solas gave away.

But he was one of Leaena’s closest confidantes, the two of them often found studying together or having some kind of lively debate, sometimes with Dorian, that made no sense to Cullen whatsoever. Given how long he’d lived around magic and mages, that spoke volumes about how little the Circle really taught.

‘Solas,’ Cullen said quietly, not wanting to disturb him.

‘Cullen. How are you?’ Solas nodded politely as he came out of his meditative pose and rose to his feet.

‘I’ve been better, but the red lyrium noise has subsided at least. Thank you for your help with that, even when you were struggling.’ He came to stand next to Solas, his hands unconsciously going to rest on the hilt of his sword.

‘You are welcome, although mixing a few potions together is the best I can do for you. As for magic users –‘. Solas hesitated, looking out across the vast, silvery-black emptiness. ‘In Emprise du Lion, I wondered how far the corruption had spread. I have sensed it this whole journey, and there is more where we are headed. I wonder how Lea is still able to stand, and I worry at the answer I’d receive.’

‘You and me both.’ It was the one thing above all others that was frightening him. ‘I don’t know what we will find. And that bothers me more than I like to admit.’

‘She has some protection, though her magic is what makes her more susceptible. Her Mark. It will help. When she said it was a key, she wasn’t wrong.’ Saying nothing further, Solas stood, stoic as his eyes watched the landscape unblinkingly.

‘What do you mean, a key?’ Cullen remembered her saying that at the Winter Palace, and had been thoroughly disconcerted.

‘It opens the door to the Fade. Remember Adamant, of course. And because of the Mark, you two can speak to each other, after a fashion, in a way no one else can.’ Solas sighed, deliberating what to say further. ‘Dagna was not quite correct all those months ago, Cullen. The demon was not entirely misleading Lea either, although it talked in circles as desire always does.’

‘What?’ Cullen wondered if anything would make this headache ever go away.

Certainly not this discussion, which had come completely out of the blue.

‘Why would you let Dagna be misleading? Either I have lyrium in my body or I don’t. For Leaena to suggest that she makes it worse is surely nonsense.’

‘Of course it is.’  Solas replied dismissively. ‘I’m not referring to that. Dagna is…..somewhat intent on her own theories and I wanted some more time to observe you both. The Mark – it opens her up, makes her more vulnerable. To what she senses from you, to what she senses from lyrium and red lyrium. It’s the only explanation for what is between you two – and why she has reacted the way she has to red lyrium in the Fade. Dagna’s comments about the quantities of lyrium in your blood are irrelevant.’

Cullen didn’t know if he was just getting old or had less patience these days for complicated conversations. He was struggling to keep up. ‘Alright. I’d rather take your word for it than a dwarf intent on blowing up Skyhold with one of her experiments. So what does it mean?’

Solas chuckled slightly. ‘If it wasn’t so critical to our success, it makes for quite a fascinating study. Imshael was right – it only takes a drop or two in your blood for her magic to respond, because of her sensitivity. If you both feel a change, it is because the Mark is disrupting things, not the lyrium. Even now, it still flares up from time to time.’

‘Lyrium……for lyrium to be alive is quite remarkable. And to know that red lyrium carries the Blight? Disturbing, but magnificent in its own right too. So both of you – and me, Dorian – carrying something alive within us......that is why the magic and the lyrium act so independently of you both. Why it is so hard to control.’ The elf looked thrilled at all the possibilities. ‘It’s quite extraordinary.’

_I'm lost._

‘And it could take years for the lyrium to disappear entirely?’ Cullen tried to get the conversation back on track.

He was grateful for the information but still bemused as to why Solas had chosen to raise the subject now, of all times.

‘Correct. You took it for over a decade. You’re past the worst of the withdrawal now and your symptoms will continue to fade but there is a way to go. A trace amount of lyrium, however, should have no impact on you – it may never disappear. The strength of your connection will only be affected by the Mark and for however long that is active. I cannot say what happens if that goes – it is an unknown to me. Nor can I comment on your abilities.’

He looked hard at Cullen then, finally reaching his point.

‘You can always find her, Commander. Even through the chaos of red lyrium. Her magic will instinctively call out to your untainted lyrium, far more effectively than any phylactery would. And we need that, now of all times. I can no longer find her in the Fade. Something is blocking me, as you know.’

‘Why me though? Why not her brother, or another magic user? I mean, I am not complaining, but –‘, he tailed off, confused and struggling to comprehend what Leaena must be going through.

There was something basic he was failing to grasp, some concept that would help turn the tide that was flooding against the Inquisition.

‘People are capable of extraordinary feats given the right motivation. Our minds alter to allow the impossible to become possible, though we cannot explain it. Fear, for example is a very old, very strong feeling. It predates love, pride, compassion... every emotion save perhaps desire.’ Solas gave him a knowing smile. ‘Were you not perhaps affected by both the first time you saw the Herald?’

It had been nearly a year since the universe as Cullen knew it exploded and reforged anew. It happened the moment a white-blonde, lightly-tanned mage with the most kissable lips he’d ever seen had tumbled out of the sky and collapsed at his feet.

Yet it wasn’t until the latest member of the Inquisition appeared on the battlements, her brilliant blue eyes immediately meeting his, that Cullen truly appreciated just how much his life had already changed in a few short days. His very foundations had been shaken by the mere sight of her, so vital and full of life in front of him, followed immediately by the paralysing fear that she wouldn't come back from the Temple alive. All the sensations he'd felt coursing through him from that very first moment finally became clear. 

_Affected is far too mild an expression._

He shrugged, somewhat ruefully. ‘Was I really that obvious?’

‘Both of you were. Particularly those of us that could see magical patterns. It was instantaneous, how both your energies merged together. I have never witnessed anything like it.’ Solas was describing what sounded like a scientific experiment, until Cullen saw the empathy in his expression.

‘I needed to protect her. I thought she was fragile,’ he said in slight bemusement. He remembered how battered he had come out of some of their training sessions, what she was somehow enduring, right now. ‘She is tougher than any warrior I know.’

‘That moment, when Corypheus had torn the heavens asunder, Lea had foreign magic within her that was completely out of control. We were all struggling with magical imbalance – the Veil was almost non-existent.’ Solas paused for a moment as he thought about that dreadful day.

‘You saw her, and you were the first to pick her up. A combination of emotion and unknown power? We will never know. But it exists, that unique bond between you, does it not? I recommend you and the Inquisitor enjoy your connection rather than worry about it ending. Once we get her back, that is. Don’t let Dagna’s prosaic and inaccurate response mislead…..’

‘Maker’s Breath, what now?’ Cullen automatically reached for his sword, leaving him little time to process Solas’ unexpected comments.

‘Someone approaches.’ The elf pointed in a south-easterly direction, swinging his staff into his hands as Cullen shouted the alert.

‘Varric, Cadan! We have an unknown guest!’

The sound of hooves could now be heard in the distance as all four of them stood ready and waiting, weapons drawn. Varric and Cadan had left cards scattered in their wake as they jumped up to join them. Cullen knew it wouldn’t be Leaena, but he could hope.

‘Who in the Maker is this? An attack?’ Cadan stared as hard as he could into the dark as a solo horse and rider came into view. ‘Wait a minute. I recognise that riding style. And no, it’s not my sister, I’m afraid.’

The look of dejection left his face, replaced by amusement. He sheathed his weapons, laughing softly. ‘I did tell you he wouldn’t forgive you Cullen. It would seem he’s come all this way to tell you in person.’

‘Sorry to disappoint you, Bianca. How can you tell from that far away?’ Varric slung his crossbow onto his back once more, unable to see much apart from a white blur.

‘Skill, Varric, pure skill.’

‘And the fact that you’ve spent most of your life riding in a similar way?’ Solas noted dryly, just as Cullen saw a flash of a shield that he was all too familiar with, tension slowly leaving him.

‘Well, there is that, yes. Except my style is far superior.’ Cadan was grinning now as his brother was nearly at their camp, looking more relaxed than Cullen had seen him for some time.

‘Cullen, you and me are going to have words! Right now!’ Trystan thundered up on his mount, pulling it to an abrupt halt right before them all in a shower of sand, jumping off in a fury. ‘I’ve ridden hell for leather since leaving Nevarra City, as soon as Cassandra told me what was happening! You should have fucking told me! Not to mention you should have left a whole lot sooner!’

_Oh great. Another one of my closest friends, wanting to punch me. Just what I need._

Before he could say anything, Cadan interrupted Trystan’s flow. ‘Hello, brother. Lovely to see you too. Cullen had his reasons. So why don’t you sort your horse out and then join us in a bit instead of raging at him?’

Trystan was dishevelled, exhausted and covered in dust and sand from his dash northwards to catch up with them. He was clearly in no mood to be denied, furious and consumed with worry for Leanea. The anger hid his deep hurt that he hadn’t been asked along to join them.

‘Trystan, there’s an oasis only a few minute’s walk from here where you can freshen up. Why don’t you do what Cadan suggests and then we can walk over together? If someone will take my watch for me.’ Cullen knew his friend deserved an explanation.

Trystan embraced his younger brother and shook Varric and Solas’ hands before nodding curtly at Cullen. ‘Give me a minute.’ He led his horse away to where the others were tethered.

‘I’ll take your shift, Cullen.’ Cadan offered. ‘I’m glad Trystan managed to find us. I wondered if he would make it in time. I’m sure he won’t bite.’

‘Yes, enjoy Curly. I’m heading to bed, now that excitement is over. Early start in the morning.’ Varric yawned and disappeared back to the campfire, leaving Cullen envious of the dwarf’s ability to sleep soundly anywhere, and at any given time.

He felt resigned to a sleepless night as he left, turning back quickly to Solas. ‘Thank you. I will think on what you have said.’

The elf merely gave him a nod of acknowledgement before turning away to head to his tent, leaving Cadan to take up his post as sentry.

Cullen made his way towards Trystan, wondering how to best tackle this conversation. Trystan had taken Leaena’s brutal cutoff from nearly all the people she loved almost as badly as him. He’d shunned everyone for some time, even Cassandra to a point, struggling to deal with the fact that his sister, whom he’d guarded and looked after for decades, had not wanted to see or write to him. Knowing she was under attack from Corypheus and a demon hadn’t improved things.

He’d sent Trystan away from Skyhold and deliberately not written to tell him of their plans. It was an action he’d regretted, yet he didn’t want to have to deal with the anxiety bought about by yet another one of his friends travelling on a little-used route in the middle of nowhere.

Sometimes his position as Commander seemed to be nothing but worrying about everyone else’s welfare. Although, in this instance, he obviously needn’t have bothered.

‘Are you ready?’ Cullen asked as Trystan nodded silently, following him to the oasis. There was the occasional sound of a cricket or the hiss of a snake. Aside from that, there was no noise apart from their boots crunching through the sand.

‘I’m not going to bother with chitchat, Trystan. We’ve known each other too long. What do you want to do about this?’ There was no point in beating around the bush.

Wave after wave of tension was coming off the other Templar, Trystan’s face and jaw taut with anger as Cullen glanced over. They were about the same height and build, Cullen sincerely hoping that Trystan wasn’t going to start laying into him just as Blackwall did. Because this time, he wouldn’t bother trying to fight back – and that promised to get painful, fast.

‘If you want to beat the shit out of me, then do and let's get it out of the way. You’d just join a long queue – with one person who already went a fair way to succeeding.’

Trystan still said nothing in response as they reached the small pool of fresh water. Cullen decided to wait, standing with his arms folded until his friend felt ready to talk.

Solas’ words were at the forefront of his mind. The future he’d thought of had changed again, leaving him with more questions rather than any resolutions.

_Our connection – it hardly makes a difference these days whether it is there or not._

_Why did he hide it for so long? Why bother telling me now?_

With disquiet at what seemed to be duplicity on Solas’ part gnawing at him, he realised Trystan had stripped off down to his breeches as he went to rinse the grime of travel off. A large scar ran jagged from his lower ribs to his neck, cutting through some of the muscles across his upper back. Cullen didn’t recall seeing that before – it looked relatively recent as well.

‘Maker, that feels better,’ Trystan almost groaned with relief as he used a tin to sluice water over his hair and body several times in quick succession. He used his hands to scrub at his chest, stomach and arms as he ignored the water splashing onto the cloth. ‘I’ve hardly stopped since leaving.’   

‘That sounds as entertaining as a week of night guard duty,’ Cullen said dryly whilst Trystan refilled his container onto himself. He was now scrubbing at his back, wincing slightly as he caught the still-healing wound. ‘Are you going to tell me how you got that?’

‘An assassin of the Duke’s tried his luck when I was armour-less in the stables one evening. He didn’t last too long. Stung a bit, though.’ Trystan brushed off the incident, rinsing his hair and face as he bent forwards to let it drain off. ‘I feel like I have a ton of sand attached to every inch of me. And that probably won’t change until we make it back to Skyhold and I can scrub myself properly.’

‘I like the assumption that we’ll make it home.’ Cullen decided to presume he’d been forgiven. ‘How long did it take you to get here?’

‘A week.’ Shaking his head to remove the excess liquid, Trystan raked his fingers through his black hair. He pushed it back out of his face as he finished up his rudimentary ablutions, using his shirt to rub himself dry.

For the second time that day, deep blue eyes that reminded him so much of Leaena sent a wave of foreboding through him. Trystan immediately picked up on it, the frown returning to his face as he looked at Cullen intently.

‘I won’t give you the beating I’d intended on today, Cullen. In my heart of hearts, I know you don’t deserve it. I’ve been aware, as well as you have, that my sister’s descent into madness has been like trying to stop a runaway mine cart. I just wanted someone else to blame other than myself.’

Throwing the shirt to one side, Trystan sat down on the bank behind them, Cullen joining him. ‘You can sense her residual magic, can’t you? I’ve never seen anything so powerful from her before.’

‘She’s out of control, which for the part of her that’s rational, must be terrifying. Leaena is having to discharge the excess mana from herself somehow.’ But what was the cost to her, physically and mentally?

And where it was coming from? That was what frightened him the most, that she had some red lyrium crystals on her somewhere.

‘You made good time by the way. Astonishing, in fact.’ Anything rather than think of that outcome.

‘I slept for maybe two or three hours in the night. You can move fast on your own. Unfortunately I taught Lea the same thing.’ He gave a tired sigh. ‘It’s too late now for me to wish otherwise. Tell me the plan. You must have one.’

That, Cullen could do. ‘There’s a small advance force waiting for us only a mile back – they will march and meet us here in the morning. The Shrine is fortified, of course, but the Red Templars as a force are almost pretty much wiped out, thanks to everyone’s work in Emprise du Lion. I anticipate their red lyrium supply will also have been severely curtailed. Samson should be there.’

‘Just hearing you say that makes my day,’ Trystan replied lightly, but Cullen wasn’t fooled. ‘Cassandra’s note said something about a Tranquil named Maddox?’

‘He crafted Samson’s armour and maintains it. He was at Kirkwall – Meredith ordered him to undergo the Rite for the most paltriest of crimes.’ Another black mark forever on his conscience.

‘I hope we can persuade him to join us instead. Samson is going to be nigh-on invincible. We have to grab Leaena, get what evidence we can and get out. I don’t want us risking our lives against the sick bastard until we have a way of defeating him.’

‘How disappointing.’ Trystan’s face fell at the thought of not being able to defeat Corypheus’ general there and then. ‘I was looking forward to tearing his head off his body with my own hands. Still, if we can weaken him enough it leaves that darkspawn with nothing, then it will be worth it. The main focus has to be Lea.’

‘Absolutely. We might be up against our former friends and colleagues, you know.’ It was something that had been on Cullen’s mind the whole trip. ‘Seeing them as monsters. What they’ve become….’

‘I know. I think about it too. Samson planted it with Corypheus’ aid long before any of this even started. The corruption has taken place over so many years.'

Trystan’s fists closed as the muscles in his arms flexed with sudden tension, wanting to strike something in his anger. ‘What a choice – go mad from lyrium or go mad from red lyrium and die an agonising death from both. The only fucking difference being you can spend a couple of years with ridiculous abilities and destroy the world.’

‘Did you ever meet a Templar called Carrol, from Ferelden’s Circle?’ Cullen’s own temper flared as he thought of what had happened to his former colleagues, lured by Samson’s false promises.

‘I did a few times. He was losing his mind to lyrium already wasn’t he?’ Trystan saw Cullen’s expression and grimaced. ‘I’m not sure I want to know.’

‘He has the rank of Knight-Captain in the Red Templars, and was responsible for the red lyrium smuggling operation in the Emerald Graves. Perhaps if you’ve already lost part of your mind it makes it easier to absorb the Maker-cursed stuff.’

Cullen idly started throwing small stones into the water, disturbed more than he cared to admit by the whole topic. ‘Will they actually look the same? Andraste save me, I almost hope they don’t. If I can’t recognise them, then I won’t know.’

‘Some will. Some won’t if they’ve turned into those Behemoth creatures. We’ll have to bear it somehow.’ Trystan put his shirt behind his head and lay back on the scrubby grass, with his arms folded on his chest, his eyes following the path of the stars.

‘Do you ever think you might have turned? Into that? It could have been us, too. If our lives had gone differently.’ Just saying the idea out loud sent a lingering chill down Cullen’s spine.

He breathed out slowly, thanking the Maker yet again for bringing Leaena into his life. If it hadn’t been for her he would have been forever lost in the wilderness that was lyrium addiction. Even when she had been away these last months, her words at the end of every letter had helped Cullen stay true to himself. She had never let him down.

‘It’s the strongest pull I’ve ever felt, the call of red lyrium,’ Trystan admitted. ‘I don’t know how you withstand it alongside the thirst for the blue.’

Cullen thought about the long ride through Emprise du Lion where it had been at its worst. ‘It wasn’t great. But I can bear it so much better than before. It does get easier, the withdrawal.’

_It’s true. It wasn’t nearly as hard to say no._

A smile ghosted across Trystan’s face. ‘I am glad for you, Cullen. You deserve some respite in your life. Maker knows you have enough going on right now without that to deal with.’

‘But in answer to your earlier question, I do wonder if I would have been tempted. I would like to hope that a member of my family or friends would have stopped me, particularly after seeing Meredith’s demise. But it creeps up on you, the insecurity, the paranoia. The feeling you aren’t what you once were. The choice Samson offered was a seductive one to those who were fearful, much though I hate to admit it.’

The smile he’d just had was gone, wiped out at the thought of what could have been. ‘I can’t wait to quit. You’ve done the Templars a huge service by setting such an example. Never forget that, when you are at your lowest.’

‘You’ll have more support, Trystan. It won’t be so bad. We must find a way to transition everyone, speak to Cassandra about the Seekers, find a better way - there must be a better way. Or we’ll just face this problem again and again. Red lyrium will take a long time to eradicate.’ Cullen was adamant about finding a safer path for Templars, to avoid the horror of what they were experiencing now.

‘If anyone can find that, Cullen, you can. We’ll figure it out. Try not to focus so much on tomorrow.’ Trystan pushed himself upright, groaning slightly as his back twisted. ‘If Solas isn’t in the Fade, I might see if he has a spare potion for this. Shall we head back?’

‘I’m sorry you had to ride halfway across Orlais at such breakneck speed, but I’m glad you are here.’ Cullen helped Trystan to his feet, grinning at his friend. ‘You’ll have to get back to Skyhold so Cassandra can kiss that better for you.’

‘More likely she’ll drag me on the training ground, telling me I’m slipping before beating the seven bells out of me.’ Trystan’s expression softened every time he thought of Cassandra.

_Which is about as often as I think of Leaena._

‘It’s a sign of love, you know that.’ They both started to head back to their tents.

‘I do. I am blessed.’ He looked across to Cullen questioningly. ‘Why are we not camped with the rest?’

‘I – ‘. He stumbled over his words as he knew they wouldn’t make sense, desolate at her absence.

They were supposed to have confronted Samson together.

‘I wanted to be near. In case. And I didn’t want a huge body of troops being such an obvious target.’

‘I understand. I’m sorry.’ Trystan was about to say more when they’d reached the camp. ‘How kind of you to not make my tent, Cadan.’

‘You’re more than welcome,’ his brother replied with a yawn. ‘Are you taking over now, Cullen? Nothing to report.’

‘I will. Just use my tent, Trystan. We’ll rotate the sleeping arrangements tonight.’

He doubted he’d get much rest tonight anyway.

Wishing them both a good night, Cullen went out to stand at the camp’s perimeter, staring out at the sea of nothingness. He had to agree with Varric – he hated sand as well. Deserts tended to be places where bad things happened to Leaena and him. This one was no exception.

Solas’ words from earlier came back to him as he tried to puzzle out what the elf had meant. And how he knew so much. Unbidden, he felt his lyrium seek her out, on the same quest it always had every time he and Leaena were apart. There was no way Cullen could control it, nor did he want to. Just the merest hint was all he….

A searing pain suddenly shot though his senses, almost blinding him with its power.

_Cullen…..help me……it hurts….._

‘Leaena?’ He whispered, disbelieving, convinced he was hearing things. The thought he’d had earlier, that Leaena was calling to him somehow, intensified a hundred fold.

_Where are you? I need you…..it’s all red….._

There was something else, he could feel it, but it was so faint, fading away again as if it was being suffocated. But it was there – that was all the excuse he needed.

‘Wake up everyone!’ Cullen shouted, rousing the camp. ‘We move out – now!’

‘Get what you need and leave the rest. There’s no time!’ He shot into his tent and quickly started to switch into heavier armour.

‘What’s going on, Cullen? My head barely touched the ground.’ Cadan too was adjusting his armour – as they all were, he realised belatedly.

‘I can sense her. We have to hurry. It’s barely there.’ Sending a prayer of thanks for the years of practice buckling on plate at lightning speed, Cullen deliberated between a shield and a greatsword before reaching for his shield.

‘Not now, I’ll tell you on the way. Let’s get the horses. Cadan – warn the troops then catch us up.’

Cullen didn’t look at anyone as he rapidly saddled his horse and kicked it immediately into a gallop. He could feel the taint of the Blight trying to force its way into his blood from that one push of her magic, the residual echo some distance away. It must have cost her a huge effort to spread her search for him so wide.

_And it’s red. She can’t sense me back, for a reason?_

Fear like he’d never felt before shook him as he shouted instructions to the others, pushing his horse hard towards the Shrine of Dumat, praying to the Maker that he wouldn’t be too late.

\------

_Did that just break a tooth?_

She spat out mucous, tinged with blood as a plate gauntlet smacked her forcibly across one side of her face. She welcomed the pain. It burned away some of the madness, leaving her momentarily clear-headed. These minutes were precious – they hardly ever happened.

‘That was fun, Samson, thanks.’

Lea’s eyes remained firmly closed as spittle dribbled out of the corner of her mouth, her split lip made worse as she tried to force words out. Her bonds were tight and cutting skin as she hung from a metal frame, her legs and arms spread wide. Just like in her nightmares. Samson had recreated the whole thing for her.

She couldn’t remember much of anything anymore. Perhaps it was better it stayed that way, given the dull pain she felt between her legs and the blood dripping down her thighs. Although, her whole body was covered in deep welts and wounds. It could have been caused by anything. Lea had no idea what. Everything hurt, so badly she didn’t know any other sensation any more.

Escaping into her head, listening to the darkspawn calling her was the only way to survive. She had discovered one way to prevent her from remembering anything, shutting down each time they’d abused her body in this dark, hidden cell. If it came back, Lea knew she might die from the overwhelming trauma of it all.

She’d lost count of the days they’d held her here, after her red-lyrium induced insanity had convinced her of godhood, bringing her right to Samson’s desk.

_I nearly had him though. Until my shard shattered, instead of merging with my hand. Why did it shatter?_

Slowly opening one swollen, blackened eye, she looked dispassionately at the replica of the man who had appeared in her nightmares every time for the last four months.

Samson looked as bad as he did when he was on the streets of Kirkwall. Perhaps worse. The ravages of red lyrium were already taking their toll, thick, pulsing red veins creeping up his neck and into his face, the whites of his eyes no more.

Granted, her whole world was tinted, making colour differentiation kind of impossible. But he still looked a complete shambles.  

‘Back with us, Lea? Your mind is not that strong. It’s a disappointment, that you haven’t withstood red lyrium as well as I’d hoped.’ Samson picked up her left hand, green flame sparking as he lifted the magical wards that prevented her from casting.

‘I like to see you out of control, Inquisitor. Just like you were in the desert. Did you make yourself come hard, like the rutting bitch you are? I hope you enjoyed my present.’ The heat of the red lyrium on Samson’s armour burnt the flesh across her torso and breasts as he pushed up hard against her naked body, slobbering over her neck.

‘Let’s hope some of that out of control magic strikes you dead, Samson. I shall continue to pray to the Maker for such a delightful ending to my stay with you.’

It felt like someone had drilled a hole into the very centre of Lea’s head when she bit down hard on Samson’s ear, tearing half of it off. The smell of her charred flesh assailing her nostrils, all of her already delirious with pain, made her vomit all over his front.

His face contorted furiously as he pulled back, one powerful fist punching Lea in her stomach before she had time to brace herself for the blow. The second flux of acid bile shooting into her mouth, combined with the metallic, Bight-cursed taste of Samson’s blood hitting the exposed nerves of her broken teeth, nearly made her pass out in agony.

_Worth it though. Hang on..._

‘You think you’re so fucking clever don’t you.’ Samson didn’t bother to wipe away the blood pouring from his ear.

He came to stand before her, snarling in her face as spittle from his venomous words landed on Lea’s cheeks. ‘I have been watching you, Lea, letting the red lyrium take a hold of you, slowly controlling your mind. I enjoyed rifling through your memories, finding out all your fantasies. You’re a dirty little slut aren’t you? The things you’d do for Cullen, not to mention what you’ve already done.’

Intense pain bought intense clarity. They were lies, designed to break her further. 

Samson would never ruin what she felt for Cullen, never in a million years. It was impossible for anyone to destroy what was between them. He couldn't even begin to understand the concept of love, too foccused on his eternal bitterness at the Chantry and hatred for the hand life had dealt him. 

‘These truths the Maker has revealed to me: As there is but one world, one life, one death, there is but one god, and He is our Maker. They are sinners, who have given their love to false gods.’

If she didn’t hear, couldn’t see, then it didn’t exist.

Lea started to chant the Canticle of Transfigurations loudly. It was the longest one she could think of at the time. Maybe if she prayed more, Cullen would get here faster.

Samson stepped away, a metal mechanism grinding somewhere in the background making the contraption she was in slowly stretch out her body. Her arms and legs were nearly torn out of their sockets as still, the machine pulled and pulled at every fibre that held her together. Flames shot through her as one of her arms dislocated from her shoulder as her torso and pelvis buckled under the stress. Lea’s eyes were watering at the hideous sensation but refusing to give Samson the satisfaction of knowing her pain.

 _Oh shit._   _Bye bye._

Two huge Red Templars came into the blackened out room, their faces devoid of any emotion save cruelty as Samson stood back, a look of vicious pleasure burning from his eyes.

_Time to check my mind out. It’s just a body, after all._

_If I don’t remember then it never happened._

‘Magic exists to serve man, and never to rule over him. Foul and corrupt are they who have taken His gift and turned it against His children. They shall be named maleficar, accursed ones. They shall find no rest in this world or beyond.’

‘When we have Cullen in our ranks, I’ll repeat this for you, all over again. I’ll let him take charge though. You like that, don’t you, Lea? He’s almost with us as it is.’

Reaching up, his fingers digging into the deep burns on her left breast, Lea flinched from the feel of his lips by her ear. ‘I’m impressed at how much you can recite, dear girl. Except your Chant of Light won’t help you now. There is no Maker. No one can save you now.’

The world was fading away from her as she fully embraced the red lyrium that had invaded her magic, the only way to encourage the madness to claim her once more.

‘All men are the Work of our Maker's Hands, from the lowest slaves to the highest kings. Those who bring harm without provocation to the least of His children are hated and accursed by the Maker.’

Her world turned black as a blindfold was tightly wrapped round her eyes, finally screaming in fear and revulsion. She felt the cold touch of fingers encased in steel brutally force themselves between the soft folds to her entrance, tearing at the delicate skin.

_I don’t need to know. It’s better this way._

Lea gave into the utter agony slamming through her, as she recoiled at sheer horror of what these two hulking men had planned. She dragged her defences up just in time before they could abuse her further, a wall of red solidly encasing her mind once more as it shut down to protect itself. A bellow of rage accompanied her faltering singing just before the world as she knew it disappeared, lost in a sea of crimson tinted with blue.  

\-----

‘So how the fuck do you propose to do this, Cullen?’ Varric stared at the two huge Behemoths guarding the entrance to the Shine.

‘Easy. You take one on, and the rest of us will focus on the other,’ Cullen bit out, not in the mood for anyone wasting his time.

Even though a tiny part of him couldn’t help but laugh at the look of slight horror on Varric’s face. ‘Maker take it…of course not, Varric!’

‘Haha. Don’t joke about shit like that, especially right now,’ Varric grumbled sourly. Bianca was already resting in his hands, showing his impatience to get going.

All five of them were huddled behind the remnants of an old wall that used to run round the perimeter of the Shrine. They’d left their horses behind a mile or so back, stealthily making their way forward towards the entrance. Cullen had decided against waiting for the bulk of the troops to arrive. 

‘Varric, you’re being obtuse. You and Cullen on one, Trystan and I on the other and Solas can switch between the two. Or can’t you handle it?’ Cadan became a blurred outline in the deep of the night as he prepared himself for the attack.

‘What is it with you accusing me of being spectacularly deficient this whole trip? Ten gold says I score more killing blows than you this outing,’ Varric countered, his offhand comments about wagering a cover for his apprehension about what lay before them.

‘I’ll indulge you in that one. Nice and simple.’ Cadan agreed as the two of them shook hands, the bet sealed.

Cullen could almost smell the red lyrium under his nose, the off-key buzz of its song creeping into every corner of his brain. He looked over at Trystan who was silent, struggling with the same problem. Solas was his usual impassive self, but shifting uncomfortably as he waited to move, affected as badly as he’d been in Emprise du Lion.

‘Are you both alright? You can wait for the troops if you would prefer?’ He knew what the response would be, but wanted to give them both the option.

‘Really? And are you going to do the same, Cullen? No, thought not. So why would we?’ Trystan’s somewhat surly response was negated by the smile twitching his lips.

‘Thank you for the concern, Cullen. I think once we are all in the heat of battle we won’t notice much anyway. Killing does seem to help make things better.’ If it had been from anyone but Solas, Cullen would have found himself quite disturbed by the comment.

As it was, satisfied that they were all ready, he sent his senses out, searching for her once more but unable to find anything aside from a faint whisper of what she had cast before.

‘Cadan’s is as good an idea as any. Let’s go. Our soldiers aren’t far behind.’ Cutting off any further debate, Cullen immediately sprinted out from behind the wall, taking the furthermost beast by surprise.

It was good to be in battle, so long as he could forget who he was fighting against. The red lyrium was in some kind of strange love-hate war with his own lyrium, even as he tried to ignore the call from the Blight-cursed stuff in and around the temple.

But Solas was right. Fighting did help, quite considerably. There was no time for Cullen to think of anything else aside from reaching her side.

Faster than he realised, lost in his own world and letting the rhythm of familiar moves overtake him, the Bhemoths were down. With relief, he saw the Inquisition troops arrive at the same time, calling out orders as they got the gate down and pushed forward inside the Shrine.

‘Why is it on fire?’ Trystan looked about them in consternation. ‘There’s hardly any defence here at all.’

‘He knew we were coming.’ Solas said softly, looking around at huge flames licking up the walls and over the banners, rapidly devouring the Shine. ‘This ancient place has its own ways of issuing warnings, it would seem.’

‘She is here. We must hurry.’ Cullen wasn’t interested in anything else but seeing Leaena alive with his own eyes and taking her home again.

If they had done anything to her like she described in her nightmares, Samson would not live to see the end of the day.

They swiftly finished off the last of the resistance outside before swinging the doors open to the inner hall, pressing forwards. The oppressive heat of the blaze was now surrounding them, making it hard to breathe.

The fighting had now become more intense the closer they got to what Cullen suspected was Samson’s own quarters. There was no sign of Maddox and no sign of Leaena, although the weak resonance from her previous spells still called to him.

The Red Templars were certainly tough, but not invincible. It was impossible to recognise any of them given that the red lyrium had left them so disfigured.

Cullen had tapped into a well of strength and speed he didn’t realise he possessed, felling his opponents easily. Determination to reach Leaena before Samson could kill her was his sole goal. His blade was a blur as he sliced enemy after enemy down mercilessly, both his sword and the front of his armour covered in that sticky red substance denoting both life and death.

‘Cullen! Over here!’

He had to put the boot on top of a corpse’s chest to yank out his blade, both hands on the hilt, blinking as a hot liquid spattered all over his face and front. He felt nauseous with disgust, wiping away the worst of it onto his gauntlet. He was used to the usual gore from fighting, but the smell of red lyrium coming from the Red Templars’ own blood was nothing he’d experienced.

Suddenly, Cullen realised the Shrine was finally silent aside from them and the crackling inferno ever-close to surrounding them. But there was no Leaena. He needed to find her magic in order to find her. And in a place surrounded by wards and barriers, that was a near-impossible task.

Running over to the other side where Cadan had called him from, he saw a semi-conscious body slumped on the floor, one he recognised.

‘Maddox.’

‘Knight-Commander. Don’t try and save me. It’s too late for that.’

The Tranquil had clearly taken poison and didn’t have long left. A couple of questions simply revealed the man’s oath of loyalty to Samson still, even to his death as finally gasped his last breath.

‘I haven’t got time for this. Captain,’ he shouted out to an officer as a deep splintering noise accompanied his words. ‘Deal with this body and get our men and women out – this place is about to collapse.’

‘We have to keep searching. There must be a fucking hidden room! He can’t have taken her!’ Cullen swore loudly as he felt increasingly desperate. ‘I can’t locate her – there are magic-supressing wards up.’

‘Are you sure?’ Solas stared at Cullen hard before continuing. ‘There are usually hidden chambers towards the rear of these buildings. We should search there. This place will burn down soon – we must get out of here quickly.’

Just as he spoke an enormous crash sent one of the main beams tumbling to the ground, trapping them from the rest of their forces and leaving them completely cut off from an escape route. Flames were reaching the huge domed ceilings in each chamber, turning the stone black and making the whole structure dangerously unstable.

‘Shit,’ Trystan growled, scanning the space left to them. ‘There’s no time to search for any clues to defeating Samson unless we want to die. Let’s split up and find that door before it is too late for Lea.’

That wasn’t an option. Cullen wasn’t leaving here without her. ‘Agreed. Samson will be dealt with another way. The room she is in must have a secret passageway out – we haven’t seen hide nor hair of him. We’ll get out the same way.’

Quickly they separated, searching for any hint or sign of a hidden door. Another thunderous explosion shook the Shrine as rock spewed out across the main hall, leaving them even more enclosed. The piles of furniture and other rubbish had turned into huge bonfires, threatening to consume them as they hunted, increasingly frantically, for a sign as to where the Inquisitor was being held.

‘This cannot be how it ends! Burned to death in a fucking Tevinter shrine? Not in any of my tales!’ Varric began to curse every deity he could think of as he yelled his disapproval over the crackling inferno.

‘This is looking bad,’ Trystan was hammering on walls, casting his own senses around to find his sister and failing.

‘It’s the red lyrium,’ Cadan said with a cough, the fumes creeping over them all. ‘It masks…I can’t either.’

‘Cullen, what did I tell you! You must be able to do more!’ Solas shouted, his voice more frayed and urgent than he’d ever heard.

_Am I sure……oh Maker save me, I am not!_

Cullen ignored the roar of fire and the shouts and increasing fear from everyone else, standing still and closing his eyes. Sweat was pouring down his face, and the shirt and thin breeches under his armour were soaking wet. The thick smoke was tickling his throat making it hard for him to stop coughing and, even shut, his eyes were watering.

_Her Mark. The way is open to me because of her Mark._

It was the hardest, most forceful and intensive search for a mage that Cullen had ever done. He willed his mind to silence and let his senses spread out across the whole site. There were barriers and blocks all over the building that they hadn’t noticed, but he ignored those. His lyrium too was looking for that hint of Leaena, heeding his request to go even beyond the strength of their connection to find her.

Precious seconds passed by as his brain and his lyrium - alive, co-dependent yet independent of him, worked together in a way he’d never previously experienced, the two entities snaking into areas that wouldn’t normally have been accessible. They cut through walls of solid red and dodged underneath cracks in wards, travelling like a line of quicksilver across the whole Shrine. Rapidly, they narrowed down the area that would contain the flicker of a heartbeat that represented Leaena’s magic.

Just as he was about to cave in despair, a pulse of deep blue, so tiny he would have missed it on his own, flashed in the distance. Cullen’s lyrium jumped of its own accord, racing towards the flickering light in pure ecstasy after such a long separation.

The jolt that shook Cullen as he finally met Leaena’s magic sent him staggering backwards into a crumbling wall. To have that essence of her again, to be merged with her soul in such an intimate way nearly had him in tears at her perfection and her fragility.

Especially when he was made aware so suddenly of the depths to which she had suffered in these months away from him.

Every single emotion, every single excruciating torment she’d been subjected to, he could feel. Every demented twist of her mind, forced onto her by Imshael and Samson, her franic fear that she couldn’t stop herself, he sensed.

Her rapid spiral downwards into insanity, the terror of the realisation and her blind panic at her lack of control – Cullen lived it it as if it were his.

How much she missed him, loved him to the point of irrationality when she was away - that in itself had created a madness of its own. The captors that held Leanea’s mind hostage capitalised upon their closeness in the cruellest ways they could find.

They had taken the overwhelming desire she felt for him and manipulated it somehow, leaving her humiliated and violated. Leaena didn't know if she could ever enjoy again the pleasure that physically being with him bought, causing her to doubt such a core part of herself.

It got worse when they beat her and defiled her, time and time again, her worst nightmares coming to life.

All of it Cullen witnessed, translating the power of the sensations as if Leaena was talking to him right now. It was there, locked away behind a protective seal of red lyrium only he could penetrate, where she’d hidden the very essence of herself away from the sheer volume of abuse she had been subjected to. She had found a way to utilise the deadly substance to her benefit, shielding her mind from the worst of the attacks on her physically.

A surge of pain hit him so badly he crashed to his knees, his head slamming into his hands as the metal gloves clawed at his temples.

The reality of her situation left him beyond devastated – almost traumatised – for what she had experienced. Images, memoires, thoughts, sounds – they were all flashing in front of his eyes and repeating in his ears, relentless and unforgiving of his complete failure to keep her protected.

_Oh, Leaena, sorry is the most inadequate word!_

_I should have known! I should have done so much more!_

A keening sound Cullen didn’t recognise was accompanying his rampaging fear that Leaena might never return to him whole. The insight he now had into her mind left him terrified beyond reason.

‘Cullen! Maker’s Breath, what’s going on?’ Trystan was kneeling down beside him, one hand on his back as shudders tore through his body, choking on his own ineptitude and the disaster he’d had such a large hand in contributing to.

‘I’ve found her – Andraste save me….how did I go so wrong, so badly?’ He just wanted to collapse on the floor, curl up and let the flames take him to the Veil. ‘You don’t want to know….believe me you do not want to know!’

‘We can save her, Cullen. We can do this – you can. But we have to go. Now. Do you want to leave her to rot in this place?’ The order Trystan had just given him was not one he could ignore as he slowly climbed to his feet.

Only a minute or two had passed, but it was as if Cullen had lived through a whole lifetime of despair and hopelessness.   

Leaena herself wasn’t responding to him. But still, even in its severely depleted state, her magic wound its way in delight around his lyrium - so tightly the two became inseparable once more.

_I’m here, my lady. Wait for me, please, Maker I beg of you. Don’t let go now._

‘You’re right. She’s alive, though unconscious.’ Trying to blink away the acrid smoke that was stinging his eyes, he climbed slowly to his feet.

‘This way.’ Where there was life, there was hope.

Cullen gestured for them to all follow as they dodged piles of burning timber and rubble, heads held down low to avoid the worst of the smoke.

He made it to the back of Samson’s personal quarters as they hauled a desk, bookshelves then a scorched rug into a nearby fire to clear a large space. Solas cast a wall of ice around them to hold the worst of the heat off.

‘Trystan, Solas – give me a hand here.’ Cullen ground out as they revealed a series of tiles on the floor. There was nothing obvious to the naked eye that there was anything of interest there.

‘You would never have guessed,’ Trystan said, spluttering slightly as he accidentally inhaled some floating ash. ‘Maker, let’s get out of this accursed place.’

‘I couldn’t agree more.’ A nebulous cloud of magic drifted down from Solas’ hands, this time comprising ultra-fine layers of Spirit, Winter, Storm and Inferno. Runes glowed softly up at them all, highlighting which wards Trystan and Cullen needed to dispel.

‘Even though there’s a raging firestorm about to engulf us and my sister is at death’s door, that’s some artistry, Solas,’ Trystan said approvingly as Solas inclined his head with a small smile.

Cullen and Trystan systematically worked their way through a series of intricate magical locks, barriers and wards, the oppressive heat beginning to scorch his skin as he did his best to forget the groaning of the building’s foundations.

With an audible click, the floor retreated silently before them, everyone breathing a quick breath of relief. Stairs down to a tunnel appeared right in front of them, the entrance pitch black.

‘Everyone down – someone look for a way to close it!’ Cullen had to shout over the tremors as more of the Shrine collapsed.

Finally, they were all in, he being the last one down the darkened stairs and following Solas’ glowing orb as his only point of reference. It was dank, stinking of red lyrium, mould and ancient magic, with something else making his skin crawl.

The pressure of being in such an enclosed, tight space was making him dizzy as Cullen fought claustrophobia. Now was not the time for his own weaknesses to consume him. He did notice thankfully, that the stairs led well away from the main structure. They would be away from the pressure of the whole Shrine collapsing at least, able to escape.

‘No traps so far.’ Cadan was examining the path ahead of them.

Solas waved a hand and the dim light from the trap door behind them disappeared as it ground shut. ‘Funny. All that effort to keep it hidden from the outside and then a simple spell to close it from the inside. What if you were attacked from the escape route?’

‘Samson never had much thought beyond his immediate needs.’ Cullen had recovered – a bit, dreading what he might find down here, furious beyond reason that Samson seemed to have escaped his grasp.

Fury was good. It gave him focus. If he dwelt too much on what he was about to find he wouldn’t be able to cope. Nightmares of Kinloch Hold were still threatening to assail him, something he was deliberately blocking in his mind.

 ‘Scout ahead,’ he instructed Cadan. ‘Varric – watch for the walls and anything to the rear. Leaena is along this path. We are not far – but Maker we need to hurry!’

‘This place gives me the creeps.’ Varric shuddered slightly next to him as they all continually scanned ahead, moving forward as fast as they could.

‘Death isn’t meant to smell like this,’ Cullen murmured, realising what the something else was. ‘It’s corrupted, like red lyrium.’

‘Well you’re cheerful. Remind me not to get stuck in dark tunnels with you again.’ Varric quipped, his nervousness not hidden by his flippancy.

Almost not hearing him, Cullen moved forward to walk with Cadan, Leaena so close now he couldn’t wait to get to her. All these months of worrying about her, missing her to the detriment of his own sanity, needing her – nay, craving her more than he’d ever craved lyrium – finally behind him.

‘Here,’ He whispered at last, drawing the party to a halt in front of a closed door.

‘Dwarven!’ Varric exclaimed in surprise. ‘We’re not that far down? It’s like the Hissing Wastes – some of the contraptions there. Dispel anything then let me at it.’

‘There’s nothing there.’ Trystan said, puzzled. ‘It’s like Samson wants us to walk into this private space.’

‘It’s what is behind the door that bothers me.’ Cadan said quietly, voicing what they all felt.

No one said anything, the tension building and the only noise the rasp of their collective breathing as Varric worked silently on the locks.

Cullen focussed on nourishing the blue flame of her magic that had, blessedly, stabilised. His lyrium was protectively wrapping around it, easily able to repulse the encroaching blood-red as it formed a barrier of warmth and love – something he hoped would reach her mind as well.

He hadn’t pulled her magic towards him as he normally would, sensing it was too delicate and vulnerable for anything apart from resting peacefully. It was currently doing so now, content and relaxed within the security of his own blue essence in a way he knew it hadn’t been for some time.

Leaena had been fighting off the red lyrium for so long what remained of her original source was nearly depleted, exhausted in its fight – the red having nearly taken over completely. They had arrived not a moment too soon.

A loud click in the dark bought Cullen back to where he was, the door swinging silently open in front of him. Not looking at anyone, he stepped forwards into the stifling room reeking of decay and slaughter, lit only by the growths of red lyrium creeping up the walls. The usual tricks of a torturer’s trade were evident, encrusted with deacades' worth of blood and misery.

‘Andraste save us all. Leaena!’

His voice broke as he stumbled forward blindly, reaching out to the skeletal figure that was strung up on one of the devices in the torture chamber, completely naked. All four of her limbs were stretched to the point of snapping, her head rolled back and her chest lightly rising and falling almost invisibly, so close she was to death.

There had been so much violence meted out to her, Leaena was almost unrecognisable.  

‘Solas, quickly!’ He couldn’t stop his hands shaking as he saw the deep cuts and burns to her body, huge lines where red lyrium had scorched across her skin leaving festering wounds.

‘Fuck! Lea!’ Cadan cried out in utter distress, running forward to join Cullen to the back of the room where her mutilated body had been abandoned.

‘Varric!’ Trystan shouted in desperation as he saw his sister. ‘Find a way to get that thing working so she can be bought down gently!’

Cullen managed to get to her in a daze of shock and horror, tearing off his gloves and reaching out to clasp her right hand firmly in his. It was icy cold, even for her, and was surprisingly whole compared to the extent of her other injuries. Varric was swearing behind him, slowly manipulating the controls to release Leaena as gently as possible.

Without thinking, Cullen unclasped his cloak with one hand as he didn’t want to lose the smallest of physical contact with her. The part of his brain that registered normal thought was glad he’d picked up the extra thick one in case Leaena was cold. Little did he expect, however, to be greeted by a sight like this.

‘Get Lea down on the floor,’ Solas instructed quietly as he mended something on her back, her arms and legs relaxing a bit more. ‘I can do some immediate healing to make sure she lives, but I would prefer to continue away from the evils of this place.’

Cullen couldn’t speak, frantic to get her away from this nightmare for once and for all, as fast as he could. There was old blood and new congealing everywhere all over her skin – down her arms and face and all the way down her legs. He couldn’t begin to think about why that would have happened.

Her lovely face had been defaced, smashed and ruined. He could see some of her teeth had been broken, her hair in tatters down her back, all knotted together. Whatever had burnt her with the red lyrium, it had been recent, the welts crisscrossing over her breasts and across her stomach, bright red and burning with infection.

After what felt like an eternity, Varric managed to contract the device enough so she was free for them all to release her. He, Trystan and Cadan cut through the tight bonds quickly while a green light emulated from Solas’ hands, now working on the severe burns on the front of her body.

Cullen draped his cloak in his arms, carrying her to the centre of the room. He sat on the floor, resting Leaena in his lap and arranging the material to give her some dignity back. Solas continued to work, moving the cloth as and when he needed, a frown of what Cullen hoped was concentration on his face as the glow of his hands hovered over various injuries.

He heard the others asking questions of the elf, but completely ignored it,stroking her hair from her face and letting his fingers run lightly through her scalp to tease out the worst of the knots.

_She hates having her hair untidy. A little thing might help._

‘I’m so sorry they did this to you, my lady. I’m sorry I took so long to arrive, but I’m here now. I'll keep you safe.’ He was kissing her forehead lightly as his fingers continued with their gentle caresses over the bits of skin that hadn’t been damaged.

’I won’t let anything harm you and I will never leave you again. I love you, Leaena. Maker, I love you, so very much. Please stay with me, please come back. I don’t deserve it but Andraste save me, I can’t live without you….’

Whispering to her, repeating those words over and over again, he hoped she could hear him, knowing how much pleasure she took from the sound of his voice. There was moisture on her brow which he wiped off, realising distractedly that those were his tears falling, his heart breaking anew as he looked at his unconscious Inquisitor. She was hovering on the line between life and death, tortured in ways he could only imagine in his worst nightmares.

Close up, he saw fresh blue and yellow bruises the shape of fingers encased in gauntlets, damaging the delicate skin of her neck. There was a line of them running right over her windpipe where she’d been repeatedly choked. Her bottom lip was split wide, an older wound that had been re-opened clearly earlier that day, whilst her nose and her left cheekbone had been smashed, lying misshapenly inwards. 

Crying silently still, he continued to talk softly to Leaena, his voice shaking as he kept kissing her in the few spots that seemed unharmed.

‘We’ll leave very soon and I will take you back home to Skyhold. On the way, I can show you some of the lakes I found that you’d like. If you want, we can stop by the cost of southern Orlais so you can visit the sea for a few days. Josephine has a friend who will loan us a place so you can relax. It’s not Ostwick but it’s a lovely part and there's a boat and a beach…..’

‘Cullen,’ Solas said gently, interrupting him. ‘I need to set the bones on her face.’

Sitting upright he let Solas move closer with his glowing hands radiating magic so powerful, Cullen was shaken out of his concentration on Leaena momentarily, full of surprise.

‘We found a note for you, Cullen. Do you want to look now or later?’ The thought was gone as Cadan walked over from a desk that had been destroyed to prevent them from finding anything. Her twin was torn between fury and despair, fury seemingly winning out by the tone of his voice.

‘Anything that whoreson has to say to me, he can say it to my face. Right before I remove the head from his shoulders.’ It was a battle to stay calm, not wanting her to sense any negative energy from him at all. He somehow managed it whilst making that promise to himself.

It was almost impossible for Cullen to not feel hatred blacker than night consume him at the sight of Leaena’s maimed and disfigured face and body. Every single injury dealt to her had been done deliberately, designed to reduce her to less than nothing - and to leave a clear message for him. In many ways, this had been an object lesson for her Commander as much as it had been to destroy the Inquisitor. He could almost hear Samson's mocking laughter, knowing what this would have cost him personally, not to mention the chaos that was currently running rampant through the Inquisition. 

Cadan nodded grimly. ‘I’ll take that as a no. It doesn’t make much sense anyway. We’ll keep it for later.’

‘Do you want to give her these? We’ll leave afterwards.’ Solas’s words drew his attention firmly back to Leaena.

The elf had mended her lip, nose and cheek and bonded the skin back together. Leaena looked almost normal once more - aside from the crusted blood, the bruising and swelling. He didn’t care – she still looked more beautiful to him than anyone else ever could, even now.

Cullen took the first potion and coaxed her mouth open slightly to get her to swallow it. ‘This is the Solas Special that always sorts you out, my lady. It should start working on you soon.’

She seemed to be breathing a bit easier as he passed the bottle back to Solas and gave her the next, which he recognised as a draught to keep her unconscious. That she was breathing easier was, in all likelihood to do with the healing she’d received, but he hoped she could, on some deep level sense he was there too.

Repeating the same with the third, and last, potion, Cullen didn’t realise it was lyrium until he saw a few blue drops clinging to the glass. He handed it back, feeling a slight surge in her magic at the same time.

Solas looked at his patient, running a critical eye over the injuries to her face. ‘She is stable, for now. I have repaired the dislocated arm and wrist, set her nose, cheek, ribs and upper thigh – the latter a clean break fortunately – and fixed the worst of the internal damage.’

‘I’ve lain a regrowth spell on her teeth but that will take a week or two. It leaves her open to infection, to have such nerve exposure lain open so there’s a barrier over them I have to recast every day. There was also a fracture to her lower skull which could have turned nasty but is now fixed. The good news is there is no damage to the brain itself. Physically. Mentally? That is another matter entirely. There is red lyrium prevelant in her but not, fortunately, consumed. She has been in very close proximity to the crystals once more.’

Refusing to comment further on the internal damage, Solas rose to his feet, looking round the chamber with disgust. ‘I have something that will detonate once we are safely away, to obliterate the darkness that has taken place here forever. It is not just the Herald who has been subjected to such suffering. Too many souls are weeping for release. Everyone – let’s leave immediately. Wrap her up warmly, Commander. It is chilly in these hidden spaces.’

Cullen didn’t need to be told twice. There was something forbidding here, and it wasn’t just because of being a torture chamber. Not that he’d wasted any time looking around. He tucked Leaena’s immobile form up tightly in his cloak, easing the fur hood over her head before picking her up and holding her comatose body to his.

‘Fine. Let’s get going.’ He couldn’t speak to anyone, the dampness on his face only now abating as he walked out of the door.

Letting Cadan lead the way, they walked for another fifteen minutes or so. Cullen refused to talk, using that time to focus on pulling himself together as his tears finally dried. He drew Leaena close to his chest, putting one foot in front of the other, saying prayers of thanks that she was still alive whilst railing at the Maker for putting her through such torment.

It was one thing to feel what she had been subjected to – that had been bad enough. It was another thing entirely to see the two things put together into one horrific package. There would be time, however, for self-recriminations. Right now, they had to get out of here.

Varric disabled another set of Dwarven doors at the end of the tunnel, the bright morning light hurting his eyes as they finally stepped out into the open. He had never felt so pleased to breathe in the heat of the desert before, making sure that Leaena’s eyes were protected from the sun as he looked around to get his bearings.

‘What a stroke of luck. We’re not too far from our horses – look the smoke from the Shrine is there.’ Trystan started walking in the direction they needed, Cullen able to see where they’d hidden their mounts. ‘And Samson is long gone – I think the area is safe. He must have had word of our attack. Let’s get Lea back to camp and then we’ll make some decisions.’

In another few minutes they’d reached their horses. ‘Cullen, you’re going to have to relinquish her, just for a bit so you can get up.’ Trystan reached his arms out for his sister, giving a frown of worry when he felt how light she was. ‘Maker take it, when did she last eat?’

‘Not for some time. Take my saddle for me – I’ll ride bareback.’ He mounted with ease, impatient to have her back right next to him. A couple of minutes without her had been too long.

‘Here.’ Trystan helped him position Leaena on his horse, leaning back against him. Her head was supported on his chest with both legs over one side, securely held in place by his arms tightly around her.

The smell of red lyrium was competing against her natural orange-blossom scent but Cullen didn’t care. He gave his horse its head as he let go of the reins, using his legs to direct it instead. There was none of the usual peace he felt to hold her this close, not when her life hung in the balance, fearful for her survival. Guilt, fury, fear and despair had their claws deep in his gut – no matter how unhelpful it was for him to feel that way, they wouldn’t stop. And probably never would.

What he did have, however, was hope. Her magic was burning a little brighter and her breathing was deeper and more even - he was alert to any positive change, no matter how small.

Letting his horse pick up the pace slightly, he looked forward, resolute. There was plenty to do and a war to finish. When he caught the man responsible for committing such atrocities against Leaena, he’d make Samson wish he’d died raving in the gutters of Kirkwall. 

His horse was slowly making its way back to their camp on its own, fortunately, as he was paying no attention.

‘You are so very brave, my love. We will end this soon, I promise. Then we can be Lea and Cullen once more. And I will never leave you again.’

Cullen kissed her lips softly, cradling her body reverently to his as he looked down at her beloved face, his heart filled with adoration and pride for his Inquisitor who - against all the odds -had finally made it back to his side.


	87. Near and Far

Her hand passed through structured pillars of shimmering granite as she drifted, an insubstantial wisp in the vast caverns of her own mind. The sky above reminded her of a battleground - bloody and tumultuous. The ground beneath was treacherous, a myriad of shifting pathways no human had tread before. Smoke drifted through the noxious air, the currents of heat keeping her adrift in the maze of tunnels that took her nowhere but circles.

They were skittering, clamouring purposefully over every spare inch of ground available. Mutilated faces, unrecognisable as anything living aside from their jerky movements, stared back at her - unthinking, soulless. Rusted armour clad their distorted frames, made powerful by the Taint. Swarming in a uniform direction, the continual, tuneless song grated on her, mingled in with the rhythmic pounding of thousands of feet marching to war.

This, the virtually invisible threads of her magic, were the last part of her rational self that remained, the only place left for her to retreat to. They formed a delicate tapestry the shade of sapphires, loosely resembling an amorphous human shape. The whole structure was so delicate it was virtually invisible in the light of the fires exploding from rivers of molten rock.

A short while ago, she had become aware once again, as a surge of whispered energy awoke the most elemental part of her being from hibernation. She’d been huddled up, hiding on a ledge in the depths of a cave, nothing more than mist mixing with the vapour from the surrounding heat.

She’d watched as liquid cobalt strands completely intertwined with hers, caressing each one on their rapidly winding path. Where she had felt incomplete her magic, at least, had a sense of being whole once more as conscious thought began to re-emerge. The thousands of sapphires, as she now thought of the weave – lacking any better description – had started to sparkle with renewed power, bringing more substance to her form.

As she grew in strength, she realised some of her senses had returned, identifying the buzz of noise as the sickened call from the red lyrium that had so thoroughly invaded her. Finally, she’d felt able to explore and find a way to merge her soul with her physical body.

How long she had been in seclusion for her own protection was impossible to tell. And now, she was looking down at one manifestation of chaos her mind was currently projecting.

_You return._

‘I do.’ The spectre that had kept her company for so long held just the hint of surprise.

_Think of all you could be, all that you are, becoming so much more. You felt its lure, saw the opportunity._

‘I am all I can be, I need nothing. The lure of which you speak is Tainted, just like everything else.’

She floated higher, away from the darkspawn madness, looking at the impenetrable barrier above her. To go into the noxious clouds of red lyrium would mean certain death. There had to be another way.

_Join us. We will succeed, in our calling, achieve our purpose, with you by our side._

‘I have my own calling, my own purpose. I cannot help you with yours.’

Lea remembered a love so enduring it had survived the darkest trials of evil, rage and desire – blazing brighter and stronger each time it was reforged anew.

The cobalt, nestled alongside her sapphires, ignited in response to that memory and radiated light around her. She was unsure where it had come from, but if she found its source, that might lead her to a path out of the darkspawn madness.

_Would you leave us here? Incomplete? Lost souls just like yours?_

‘I am complete. My soul has been found.’

_I offer you the only choice. Join me, and I will show you true enlightenment._

She almost missed a new entrance just then, distracted by the false promises as she managed to float away from an outcrop of decaying red lyrium. She’d not noticed the entrance before but it was there, and worth exploring at the very least.

‘There is always another choice.’

Feeling herself respond on pure instinct, she slipped inside the black passageway, clearing a path for herself in the chaos of her mind as she continued her search.

\-----

Cullen was propped up against a tree with Leaena tucked in securely between his legs. Her head was resting in his lap as he idly teased her hair in his fingers, watching the others make camp. The golden light of late afternoon was filtering through the trees, casting long shadows on the grass whilst the hint of a breeze sent the leaves rustling.

Out of all the times in his life, and given everything he’d been through, he couldn’t remember ever being this tired. It had been a month of painstaking, slow travel with Leaena in front of him on his horse the whole way. She was so light he hardly felt her resting against him, even with her body so limp and unmoving.

In the desert they’d travelled at night and cooler periods of the day to avoid exposing her to the blistering heat. Trying to get any rest in a sweltering tent had been impossible, so they had simply lain down where there was shade and made do with what sleep they could. 

The arid sands had given way to the sludge of the Nahashrin Marshes, where they’d had to skirt around the top. Finally, swamps and humidity had changed to a cooler, more temperate climate the closer they reached Val Royaeux, for which he couldn’t be more grateful.

The going had been hard as they couldn’t risk the Inquisitor being seen in such a condition, leaving them finding winding routes along backroads and across the countryside. Whilst picturesque, Cullen would really have preferred the ease and speed of a road to travel along. There had been talk of a carriage but even to risk identification whilst they purchased one was not a chance they’d wanted to take.

Leaena had nothing left, garbed in a random assortment of clothes from him and her brothers. Cadan and Varric had scoured the torture chamber and found her belongings, scattered and wilfully destroyed, her staff smashed into pieces. The armour she’d worn the day of her capture had been sliced off her, piece by piece and tossed to one side, deemed unimportant.

Within it, however, were two things in a hidden pocket that made him thankful for Samson’s negligence.

_My letters, drenched in blood and a silver Ferelden coin._

The thick bundle of correspondence he’d sent her during those miserable months apart were practically illegible, completely soaked through. It was apparent how close the parchment had been to completely disintegrating, given the amount of times she’d handled them.

He had burnt the letters and cleaned up the coin, placing it back in its old resting place inside his breast pocket, intending to return it when Leaena awoke. It had sent an ache of yearning and hope so deep through him to know that she truly had never left him, even at her darkest moments.

They had decided to call a halt for the day, stopping near a river and a surprising abundance of apple trees in a long-forgotten orchard. Cullen was enjoying some of the fruit now, wishing she was awake for him to cut a slice and feed it to her.

‘You’d like the taste of this, my lady. It’s sweet and crunchy, not like those soggy ones that promise much but deliver little – you know, that look like they should be amazing but then, it’s like biting into wet dough, floury and tasteless.’

It was perhaps ridiculous, but when he was on his own, he’d spent most of his time talking to Leaena about what had happened in her absence, telling her more of his life, or just whispering prayers and words of encouragement. The sound of voices was supposed to help, Solas had said.

Cullen had felt silly at first, but now it was second nature. Everyone would come and have a conversation with her at some point in the day, to keep her company and reach her conscious mind that was still unable to waken.

‘There used to be an apple tree at home, in Honnleath. It had one, incredibly long, branch that my father put a swing on for us to use one summer. It never saw any use, though. We’d have such fights, trying to decide who’d get to go on first, no one ever actually had a chance. Eventually, Father took it away again as a punishment for how badly behaved we all were. I still blame Branson for that, although he swears it was me who threw the first punch.’

He gave a chuckle at the memory, then felt Leaena’s magic heat slightly in response. There was no change on her face but he couldn’t help smiling at her, now stroking her face gently with his free hand. Somewhere, she was responding to him and that was all that mattered.

He’d hardly had any sleep – that would have meant not being with her somehow. When Cullen had napped, he’d woken up every ten minutes or so to check on her. Leaena remained comatose, dead to the world. The only sign of life had been the steady rise and fall of her chest and the burning blue flame of magic inside her.  

Speaking and to her, and being in near physical contact seemed to be working. Her magic had grown in power, day by day, and he had noticed the occasional pull on his lyrium, as if she was drawing on it somehow. He couldn’t hide his feelings at all – the fear he still felt when looking at the sheer volume of red in her aura terrified him. But his love and devotion were there too, along with his strength. Whatever she needed from him, he would give, anything at all.

He was emotionally battered, rapidly swinging from the indescribable high of having her back with him once more before tumbling from the peak of exhilaration at the sight of her immobile body. The mere thought of everything she had endured had Cullen reaching a depth of desolation so deep he hadn’t realised it existed.

Once they had reached their camp near the Shrine, Solas had sent all but him away and spent several hours working on every single break, swelling, tear, cut and burn. Her beauty was marred now by her lifelessness rather than any bodily impairment. Even her teeth had been restored.

Cullen had never seen healing like it in his life, but whatever Solas had done, Leaena was pretty much whole once more. He had been astonished at the raw power radiating from the elf, utilising techniques that he knew were not from a Circle or a Dalish mage - and certain there was no blood magic involved. Solas seemed particularly distressed at the sight of her in such a state and determined to fix the damage.

Dazed, in his own world of misery at witnessing her suffering, he hadn’t cared how it had happened, just grateful to her companion for all his rather impressive efforts. She was still healing, scars and scabs all over her body. Some would disappear, some would fade to a pale silver, and there was one right along her jaw that might be more permanent. Aside from that it was hard to believe the brutality she had been subjected to.

_What they did to her…._

Cullen knew all about torture, well versed on the expert manipulation of pain to get the results he wanted. It was another tool that came part and parcel when at war, something that all sides utilised, including the Inquisition.

But what had been done to his Inquisitor went beyond the realms of his experience. It was pure evil, designed to degrade and assert dominance, inflicting the maximum emotional and physical abuse on the intended victim.

He now knew why Solas wanted absolute privacy for Leaena. Remembered the elf’s whispered words to him about the extent of her internal injuries so no one else could hear. Understood why Leaena still hadn’t awoken, her mind having fled into the deepest recesses of her soul for its own protection.

Her entire being had been subjected to such severe trauma, shutting herself off had been the only way to cope without dying. For a moment, his vision turned black, blood roaring through his ears as the need to deliver retribution fired through his veins.

‘Cullen!’ Trystan’s anxious voice cut through his, ending the killing spree he’d gone on in his head. ‘What in the Maker’s name has happened? Is Lea alright?’

‘She’s fine. Well, aside from the obvious. My mind was just wandering.’

A drip of juice ran down Cullen’s chin as he took another bite of the apple. He only just prevented it from falling on Leaena’s forehead as he caught it with the tip of his little finger, licking it clean. It made him grimace to feel a month’s worth of stubble on his face, refusing to admit it was a beard.

‘Maker’s Breath, I need a shave, a proper bath, clean clothes and a bed so she can be more comfortable.’ Tossing the core into the copse of trees behind him, Cullen sat upright. He repositioned Leaena against his left shoulder whilst his hand slid along his jaw, scratching at the ticklish sensation caused by the unwanted coarseness of the hairs.

‘You and me both. Who would have thought that we were senior members of the Inquisition?’ Rubbing his hand roughly over his own beard, Trystan gave a look of distaste. ‘We look like a bunch of thugs.’

‘But anyway, Lea’s colour is a bit better and, whatever Solas is feeding her in those potions, it’s working. No more late night cakes for you, young lady or you won’t be able to run away from me on the training ground any more.’ Trystan grinned as he examined his sister, relief in his eyes as he could see how she had improved.

‘She used to get caught with her hand in the cookie jar all the time. It sat on a windowsill in the lounge where we’d all gather as a family – I remember it, just a plain cream earthen pot filled with all sorts of our favourites. Mother would count how many there were at the start of the day and how many there were at the end. We’d be allowed one each after we had finished our studies.’

‘There were always two or three missing. It was always Lea filching them, but somehow she always managed to get me into trouble. How she didn’t turn out to be a rogue either I’ll never know.’ Cadan had come to join them, his eyes focussed on his twin as he looked for a sign of her awakening.

Again, Cullen felt the warmth in her magic, this time the sapphire blue visibly pushing against the crimson red of her aura, fading slightly further. Heat began to radiate from her body, as if she was fighting an infection. He couldn’t sense anything else untoward, deciding to let her be for now.

‘I won’t forget the time you dropped me in it with Cook either,’ Cadan finished, addressing her teasingly. ‘You still owe me a hot fudge pudding after that. She always thought I was the one that added soil to the mix.’

‘She did what?’ In spite of everything, he started to laugh, the first time in weeks he’d felt like doing so. ‘That must have had quite a unique flavour.’

Cullen was always entertained to hear stories of Leaena when she was younger. She so rarely spoke about herself and he was learning much more about her as her two brothers told tales of their past throughout the journey. That she was capable of vengeance in such a unique fashion didn’t surprise him at all.

‘Lea was getting back at him for landing her into trouble with their tutor.’ Trystan looked at him, an eyebrow slightly raised. ‘Don’t make out like you were the injured party.’

‘She looks more innocent than I do, even when it was her getting up to no good.’ Cadan sat down next to him, taking one of Leaena’s hands in his, holding it tightly. ‘She’s warm.’

‘She’s having a mana surge. It happens,’ Trystan explained with a slight frown. ‘The red lyrium is lessening noticeably, which is good, but it depends on how she’s channelling it away from her. We’ll watch it.’

Cadan nodded but his concern was still evident as he glanced back at Leaena, who was flushed. ‘You have siblings don’t you Cullen?’

‘I do. Two sisters and a brother as well – my sister Mia is the eldest, and I’m next.’ This conversation was bringing back his own, fond memories of his brother and two sisters as children, giving him the sudden urge to go and visit them when he could. ‘Large families – it all sounds about the same no matter where you are in the world.’

‘Do you get to see them often?’ Cadan asked with interest. ‘I always assume everyone is like us but that’s of course not the case.’

Cullen considered the question for a second. ‘We are close, although not perhaps as you four are. I should write more than I do, perhaps visit….’

‘What’s stopping you?’ Trystan looked at him in surprise. ‘It’s only South Reach. You must have ridden past it several times this past year.’

‘I -.’ He knew why. An old uncertainty he didn’t even realise existed any more rose up within him. ‘Well, Leaena never seems to mind, but we aren’t nobility, just ordinary folk. I would like to take her….I just…’

Both of them just stared at him for a minute, incrdulous, f as Cullen started to feel a flush creeping up his neck.

‘You are anything but ordinary, which by extension means neither will your family be, in all likelihood. Or are you ashamed of them somehow?’ Trystan’s gaze narrowed slightly with his next words. ‘Because it’s either that or you think Lea is an unbearable snob. I thought both would be beneath you, Cullen.’

‘No! Of course not! But she’s used to so much more than I….’ Cullen gave up. ‘I’m not explaining myself well, am I?’

‘Do you think Lea would rather spend her day in the courts of Val Royaeux or Denerim?’ Cadan simply looked confused. ‘When has she ever given you the impression she’d prefer such tedious company over yours – or your family?’

‘I know it doesn’t make sense.’

Cullen had no idea why he’d started this conversation. But – it was about their future, what he could or couldn’t offer her, and he was irritated with himself for still not having an answer.

‘Look, the machinations of nobility is not something I’ve had much experience with…..’

‘Of course not. Because everyone is close friends with the King of Ferelden, just like any ‘commoner’.’ Cadan replied, sarcasm lacing his voice and not giving Cullen any quarter.

‘Here you sit, with two of those nobles you can’t get on with, a few more back at Skyhold who you can’t work with, and any number who you found it impossible to serve with. And let’s not forget the extremes you haven’t pushed yourself to for the lady currently passed out in your lap.’ Looking pointedly at Leaena, Cadan’s expression told Cullen he was being ridiculous.

‘You can hardly count –‘. Cullen shook his head, resigned to the fact that they were just going to keep defending him against himself whilst he floundered around trying to get to the point. ‘I just want to give her the best. It’s what she deserves. I – I don’t have much.’

‘I understand now.’ Trystan relented, giving him a sympathetic glance mixed with a hint of curiosity. ‘We don’t have anything as Templars, well, we aren’t supposed to. Your family are of good standing but it isn’t perhaps materially what Lea had at home, or even in the Circle. What will you do, when all this is done?’

‘That’s right.’ Cullen breathed out, stroking her hair absently once more. ‘I don’t want to take her to…I don’t know – I’ve just – it’s been on my mind, that’s all. This won’t go on forever.’

‘Surely you’ve realised that she prefers the simpler life with no trappings? Lea would rather live in a barn with you, than in a palace without you, Cullen.’ Cadan summed up Cullen’s anxieties in that one sentence.

Cullen chuckled at that blunt assessment, his eyes returning to Leaena to speak to her. ‘It won’t be a palace, but I think I can manage a bit better than a barn for you, my lady.’

The flush now covered her face and neck as her magic continued to warm. The last of the yellow bruising had faded away from her skin. Her lips were slightly parted and he could feel her soft breaths stirring the hairs on the back of his hand. Leaena was all he needed in his life.

_I would give you everything I could, just to see you happy._

Cadan stared at her suddenly, alarmed as he felt her forehead. ‘She’s burning up.’

Another pulse of power, stronger again, saw the red fade and more of the blue take control in her aura. Cullen felt her magic become more – aware, moving from near-hibernation to awakening. Her skin was hotter than the desert sun they’d left behind and she was starting to sweat.

‘I wonder if she will be close to stirring soon. I almost don’t want her to, with that amount of red lyrium infecting her. She needs a chance to fight it off or she may not be able to cope.’ He was worried at the potential combination of the toxicity and the trauma being perhaps a lethal one.

‘Solas is resting at the moment. Let’s go get him before something happens.’ Trystan went to stand.

And, just at that moment, something did.

A massive surge of magic flung the three of them backwards, enveloping them all in a blazing electrical heat. Cullen felt the rush of air leave his lungs as his back slammed awkwardly into the ground.

Leaena sat bolt upright on her knees as an inhuman scream torn from her, piercing his ears. He was in such shock at the transformation in her, his every worst nightmare coming to life as he stared back at eyes that were burning with crimson fires of madness.

‘Leaena!’ he cried out, unable to do anything as pure mana continued to erupt in random bursts from her, in such vast quantities he wasn’t sure any of them would survive. It had them pinned on the ground, compressing them with its sheer density and neither he nor Trystan could do anything to help.

She was tearing at her hair, her face contorted in indescribable pain and mindless delirium, clearly not even aware she was awake. Her mana was being consumed at such a fast rate, he thought she was surely going to use it up soon – but somehow she was regenerating rapidly – beyond anything he’d seen.

Her Mark was beginning to spark, dangerously bright, green lighting crackling from her palm as she forced the magic back under control. Cullen watched in horror as she raised both hands in the air, immediately firing two streams of raw energy at the sky, one green and one red streaked with blue, blinding them all with its brilliance.

Her whole body was contorted, her head thrown back and her limbs rigid as she continued her piercing wail, shaking with the forces she was trying to expel from her.

Now the volume of magic had been refocussed, the pressure had been removed from them all. Cullen scrambled to his knees, making it to her side just as he heard Solas shout at him, as if it were across a void of emptiness.

‘You have to reach her, or she will kill us all!’

The multi-coloured inferno shooting from her hands had created a maelstrom of raw power swirling like a tornado above their heads, sucking the air from all around them as its deadly vortex consumed everything in its path. It was gathering in its intensity, about to create a storm none of them would survive, and so large by now he couldn’t even see the sky above them.

Cullen reached for her in his mind, working with the lyrium in the same way he had in the Shrine of Dumat. It was instantaneous given that his lyrium was still interwoven tightly with the magic in her soul, allowing his senses to connect to hers and immediately stabilising the mana within her that was threatening to spiral out of control.  

He shook with the crushing despair at being so exposed to the turmoil of her mind, firing images, sounds, colours and memories at such a blinding rate he almost couldn’t keep up. Scenario after scenario from her life was being replayed over and over again, designed to convince her of her ineptitude and incompetence as Inquisitor.

There was a presence so evil permeating through each corner of her brain, Cullen felt himself instinctively shy away, pulling her magic towards him in an effort to protect them both.

The very essence of Leaena was being drowned out by the sheer force of red lyrium flooding through every vein in her body as she tried to purge it. If he could, temporarily, help her buffer against the invasive substance, it would help reduce the power within her, protecting her existing magic at the same time, which was becoming increasingly fragile once more.

Somehow, in the face of such calculated disorder she was navigating a path through it all, searching for a way to return to him.

He let his own spirit infuse her completely, comforting and protecting her, as the blue of his lyrium started to push the red lyrium away. At the same time, she created an outlet for the poison to leave her through a line of green flame that seared its way through the madness. He let her feel warmth, strength, and security, all of which her soul was crying out for. Her life force was slowly bleeding away, the red lyrium almost too much for her to keep fighting.

_I am here, Leaena._

_Don’t leave me please, stay with me. I have come to take you home._

Slowly, ever so slowly, he felt her calm, her magic becoming more responsive and her senses reaching out for him like ethereal wisps filtering right to his core. They expressed awe, wonder, love and happiness so intense he felt it resonate to the depths of his heart.

For a split second, Cullen thought she had defeated the monsters when the haemorrhaging of blue into red suddenly ceased, believing he would have his Leaena returned, whole and sound. The sapphire blue suffused her whole being, eradicating every single blotch of red lyrium within her mana as she was suffused in a cleansing, dazzling light.

In a flash, everything was gone as she abruptly cut off her casting completely, falling face-first in the grass sprawled out in front of him, cut off once more just as if she were sleeping. The deafening tumult of magic in the air and the tortured cries torn from Leaena were as if they never had been. The only noise was from the running water of the river and the call of a kingfisher nearby.

Focussed on nothing but Leaena as he realised he was within his own head once more, Cullen immediately reached forward to pick her up, pulling her right into his chest and rocking her gently in his arms.  

‘It’s alright, my lady, if you need to rest, you rest. I will find you again later, when you are ready.’ He was murmuring softly to her, cradling her head on his shoulder, kissing her forehead whilst his other hand made soothing circular motions over her back.

Her eyes were closed once more and her breathing rapid. The pulse on her neck was fluttering erratically and her skin was so feverish he thought she was about to ignite into flames. Her magic was settled happily against his lyrium again, as if the whole thing had never happened, yet stronger and more powerful than ever before.

‘Andraste save me, what was that?’ Trystan had managed to make it to his feet and was by her side, staring down at his sister with a hint of trepidation.

‘It was a titanic struggle within her.’ Cullen was still amazed at what he’d witnessed. ‘She’s fighting the red lyrium, fighting the madness and looking for a way out.’

Solas had made it over by then, as had Varric and Cadan. ‘Well done. That could have consumed us all.’

‘I watched her channel off the red lyrium through the Mark, as if she’s siphoning off an overflow. Something is going on inside there, something positive. But we need to give it time.’ He reluctantly lowered her down to the ground, settling her between his legs again with her head nestled against his neck and shoulder so Solas could check her over.

‘She’s having a physical reaction too – the fever is her body trying to burn away the Taint. She’s recovered to a point where she can begin to battle against it.’ Solas looked approvingly at her as he gave her what Cullen now thought of as the knockout draught.

‘Lea, we can have that discussion soon on transmutatative magical immersion that Dorian said was theoretically impossible. You’re living proof that it isn’t. That will be some argument, when he sees the flaws in his hypothesis.’ The elf looked positively smug at the thought of an upcoming debate, the subject of which had completely passed Cullen by.

‘The transmuwahaha? Channelling magical colours into the where? Actually, don’t tell me, it will make my head hurt even more. Let’s just say that anything that puts a spoke in Dorian’s intellectual wheel is something I’d pay to see.’ Varric scowled disapprovingly at Solas and Cullen, who was fighting an insane urge to get up and do a victory dance.

_She is not mad – she is there! She will find a way back._

‘And what the fuck was Frosty’s magical weather show just then? If it hadn’t been so damned pretty I might never forgive her. Dwarves aren’t meant to feel magic but that shit me up!’

‘Is she alright? That’s all I care about, to be honest. I’ve never felt the like. Maker save me….did you see the colour of her eyes!’ Cadan had dropped down to one knee, holding Leaena’s hand once more. ‘I never want to witness that again. I thought she was intent on murdering us all.’

‘Nothing quite so dramatic as either you or Master Tethras are implying,’ Solas replied crisply as he stood once more, satisfied that all was well. ‘She’s fighting an infection. Granted, this is the Taint, but the same principle still applies. She needed to remove the red lyrium somehow and, right now it also significantly enhances her abilities. We can expect to see this again, at least once and you, Cullen, are the only one that can help her control it.’

‘She heard me,’ Cullen said quietly, not paying much attention to anyone else but Leaena. ‘She replied. In a sense. She’s in there somewhere.’

His fingertips were following the delicate, yet determined, line of her jaw. Part of him was in anguish at what she was experiencing, now he’d had a glimpse of her insanity first-hand. The mindless, paralysing fear had her trapped, a direct result of the premeditated brutality inflicted on her and amplified a thousand-fold by the red lyrium.

He felt devastated for her, disbelieving at the magnitude of pain her mind was having to endure and raging at why, yet again, Leaena was the one subject to such torment for having done nothing more than be herself. She carried the burden of the whole Inquisition within her soul. For each and every one of their mistakes, every death, injury and failure – she bore the responsibility and the consequences, so no one else had to.

The other part of Cullen was alive with hope. Leaena was there, in her mind, finding a way to return to the world. She had waged her own internal war, forced to relive each memory in excruciating detail by a deluded fiend who had been trying to control her mind for far too long.

His eyes met Cadan’s, midnight blue pools of anxiety and fear, helpless once more as he watched his twin battle against another seemingly impossible challenge. ‘Don’t lose faith. I saw the madness too. But all is not lost.’

‘So where are we going to take her?’ Trystan was no less worried, a slight frown appearing as he thought about the implications. ‘She can’t just be shooting off magic into the sky like that at random occasions, particularly not at Skyhold. Lea will blow the whole place apart.’

‘Not to mention we can’t allow our enemies – or our allies – to see this.’  Varric added. ‘You might not think that was dramatic, Solas, but to the rest of us uninitiated, it was terrifying. They’d rather sit down to high tea with Corypheus in the Fade than deal with an Inquisitor that could tear a hole in the sky all on her own. They’ll think she’s lost it. We have enough rumours to contend with as it is.’

Varric’s accurate assessment of the situation made Cullen lift his head, confirming a decision he’d already reached in his mind. ‘We take her to Skyhold. There is too much to prepare for any of us to be away for a long period of time. But I have a plan – I’ll write some orders out today if you could make sure they get there, Varric, through Sera’s contacts. Let’s not alert any spies. Things should be in place by the time we get back.’

Anger and steely resolve hardened his voice at the thought of people not giving her a chance to get better. There had been far too much of that over the last few months and Cullen was done with it.

‘Anyone who thinks Leaena is never coming back can answer directly to me. The Inquisitor will return to us. Sane, safe and sound.’

His lady Herald had sacrificed enough, suffered too many torments on their behalf for him to tolerate people’s petty games and self-motivated machinations any further.

Her cheek felt cooler as his lips pressed against the velvet skin. One hand had moved up to Leaena’s hair, the silken strands winding around his fingers as he inhaled the light scent of orange-blossom, the nauseating fumes of red lyrium’s  pollution not nearly as potent after that spectacular display.

‘You complete me, Leaena, in a way I didn’t realise was possible until I saw inside your soul. I am lost without you.’ He kissed her again just where her pulse was flickering against the delicate skin on her neck, feeling her calm down and her magic relax within her once more, remaining oblivious to the debate raging above them both.

There was no room for any other thought in Cullen’s mind aside from amazement that this remarkable woman was actually his, as he prayed fervently for Andraste to guide Leaena back to him.

\------

Green, sickly green. It was glowing everywhere, reflecting off her cobalt and sapphire tapestry in some kind of bizarre yellowy mix. Huge lumps of blood-red oozed down the walls of this latest cell, a dull toneless hum echoing in her ears as she drifted and weaved her way around towering columns of Tainted rock.

She’d floated along the tunnel that had appeared in the overrun Blight-owned world and then roamed the corridors of her insanity, always looking for an escape. For how long, she had no idea. But now, she was here.

It reminded Lea of somewhere, a place she had been to before, where hope had never existed and misery reigned supreme. All she could do was keep going, avoiding the toxic vermillion clouds above her, the imbalance of the darkspawn song still inescapable.   

Her form was opaque now, gaining in substance. She could no longer pass through solid objects, needing to be careful about not injuring herself in any way. The floor below, a pus of sulphur and boiling steam, was not something she wanted to have any contact with.

Her cobalt flashed, sending strength and purpose to her through her sapphires – a memory returned, of a green flame so powerful it made nations tremble. Her resolve, her determination, to see it through to the end - with the support of people so diverse and so unique - flooded back to her in a heady rush.  

_Join with us, why have you left us? We can be as one, with you to lead us._

‘I already lead. You must find another.’

What Lea did lead, she had no idea, but she knew it was something important, something she had to find her way back to. Her memories had not completely returned to her yet, but she knew enough to encourage her to keep searching.

Her soul was recharged, eager and impatient to find a way out of this seething mass. She just had to identify what it was and then she could move on. If she knew what it was, she could fight it.

She flinched slightly as the sky seemed to contract, making the whole space smaller. The red lyrium started to encroach throughout the sickly green, slowly taking it over and dominating the remaining space Lea had to fly.

_You cannot escape. The red lyrium has you in your grip. Do not fight the inevitable. Join me and we will rule as gods together._

‘I don’t want to be a god. I want to go home.’

Home. A memory of a fortress and snowcapped mountains flashed before her, quickly followed by a white marble stronghold, massive and ancient, glowing with magical energy. They still didn’t feel quite right as she narrowly avoided the ground vomiting up its contamination, lost in her memories.

Sun, shining warmly, a sea, as blue as the cobalt flowing in such harmony within her soul – that came much closer.

_Join us, be our sister. Don’t leave us alone, with only our song to guide us._

‘I am already a sister.’

She lit up once more as energy suffused her further, a blazing blue flare streaking through the air, seeking an exit from this poisonous place. Lea had siblings. Three of them. She knew now. She was joined to them in a way no one else could come close to. All but one….

_You need no one else. Only me. I will lead you to greatness, help you recover all that you should be._

Distantly Lea realised if her mind was capable of producing such lethal places then she had to be pretty unwell. The world shrunk again, the Taint seeping closer and closer to her as she started to dart around frantically, looking for any space she could escape.

There was something she was missing, something she had to remember, that was significant about this place. Once she remembered, this would end and she could move on.

Ahead of her, she saw a patch of land, and a bizarre row of stones sticking up from the ground. Getting closer, she realised they were gravestones with names and words etched underneath them. Just as she tried to get close enough to look, the world shifted, throwing the currents of air around her in a different direction as she realised the red lyrium had suddenly encased her in this tiny island.

She was being buffeted around, sucked in towards the swirling mass of blood-red hideousness. The only way out was up through the nebulous crimson gas.

Lea reached out through her sapphires to the cobalt, begging for extra strength to push her through the airflows blocking her path as she flitted down to a row of stones.

_Cole, Blackwall, Sera, Varric....._

She stared at the names. There was a boy delivering compassion, a warrior seeking redemption, an elf on a mission, a dwarf, writing to avoid destiny.

_Solas, Cassandra, Iron Bull, Dorian….._

The next row. Another elf, again on a mission. A warrior made of poetry, a Qunari divided, a mage rejected, both made whole by love.

_By love….made whole_

The walls had nearly closed in on her – she was choking on the smell of the corruption. It was so close, seconds away from absorbing what was left of her sanity into its delusional universe.

Then it clicked. Falling from a battlement, a dragon’s call in the distance, tumbling down to her death until green fire so bright opened up in the abyss before her. Arriving here, in the Fade – the Fade! Battling the Nightmare, reaching the end, sealing the rift in Adamant Fortress with her Mark. The whole time she’d been there, her sole focus had been to make it out. To return.

‘Greatness is an empty promise, just like your meaningless words!’

Her triumphant shout made the walls cringe away as a green fire ignited from her left hand, its energy now overlaying the cobalt and sapphire strands. It didn’t interweave with them, merely fitting alongside the sapphires, allowing her to manipulate its unique magic further. Her hand extended high above her head as her whole soul exploded in a roaring inferno.

Green and blue flames punched a hole through the sky above her as she started to fly upwards, trying to reach it before it was clogged up by the escaping red lyrium leaving her mind. Dodging flying crystals and liquid globs meandering sluggishly through the air, she steadily made progress, burning brighter and hotter by the time she reached the uppermost layer of her mind’s nightmare.

She had used so much power, she was at risk of the memories becoming too overwhelming – the sensations coursing through her so intense she nearly retreated back into her soul once more. To remember hurt, of physical pain so punishing it nearly killed her, of separation and a fear so very deep it nearly crippled her – all that and more had left her frozen, unable to move.

Lea started to panic, not able to twist herself to the right angle to make it through. The anxiety was starting to take her over as her magic faltered and she began to slip downwards, towards the churning sea of red lyrium rapidly rising upwards that had completely taken over her memory of the Fade.

_I am here, Leaena._

Trust. Protecting. Safe. Love.

_Don’t leave me please, stay with me. I have come to take you home._

Home. It wasn’t a place. It was a person.

Feeling the cobalt’s gentle caress on her magic as it beat its steady rhythm, the venomous red mass visibly flinched, repulsed and moving away. The nightmares disappeared and her tapestry was free once more. Lea smiled, spinning round in a flash of blinding light through the hole in the sky, sealing it off with a flick of her wrist and abruptly ending the red lyrium’s advance.

Looking around her, satisfied, she set off on her journey to reclaim her mind, determined to find the other half of her soul as soon as she could.

\-----

‘Well what should we do with this Grey Warden who has just appeared, demanding for the Inquisitor to absolve her or judge her or, whatever it is she wants?’ Josephine was standing, hands on her hips with a look of frustration on her face.

‘She can wait, along with everyone else.’ Cullen didn’t know how often he had repeated that sentence since they’d returned to Skyhold two weeks ago.

It had been argument after meeting ever since they had returned. Apparently it wasn’t enough that they’d literally walked through fire to rescue Leaena. She was expected to be cheerful, hale and fully functional, the months and months of mental torture she’d been subjected to seemingly meaningless. And that didn’t even include the physical brutality her body had somehow survived, or the prolonged exposure to red lyrium still staining her aura.

Besides, it was irrelevant, whether people wanted to see her or not. She was still unconscious.

‘Cullen, you have to accept there is only so long she can be in this state for before we have to do something.’ Leliana was still spouting the same line she had these last three months, only relenting on her personal opinion of Lea when she saw how ill she truly was.

‘What would you suggest? We find someone else to be the Inquisitor? Who should that be? One of you? Someone else? Should we ask Hawke to hotfoot it back from Weisshaupt because we’re all seemingly too mentally deficient to survive a few more weeks on our own? I can tell you right now what her answer would be, in two words.’ Cullen’s scathing response merely aggravated his fury. 

‘You hardly are a neutral party in this, Cullen.’ Leliana pointed out, resting against the war table with her arms folded, her eyes hard and her expression stubborn.

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. ‘Of course I’m bloody well not! And neither should the two of you be! What happened to loyalty and faith?’

‘All that bollocks when we first arrived at Skyhold? The crap you both spouted when you forced her to stand on the battlements with that ridiculous sword held above her head? You’re telling me the oaths that you swore are worth nothing?’

Far from shouting, Cullen’s voice had gone deadly quiet, feeling a sharp sense of betrayal from his two closest colleagues. ‘If you don’t feel able to make decisions without running to the Inquisitor every five seconds why are you even here?’

‘We have a world to save, Cullen!’ Josephine’s imploring tone was not helping calm his temper – quite the opposite. ’How do you propose we do that if Leaena does not recover? They all want to see her, not us! The Inquisition needs a leader and you have to accept the fact that she may never awaken!’

He presumed the look that had just appeared on his face wasn’t a good one given Leliana had just stepped protectively in front of Josephine.

‘Don’t slay her for telling you the truth, Cullen. And even if she does awaken, what’s to say that her mind will still be the same? Would you gamble the future of Thedas on a maybe? We are at war! There is no time to wait around!’ Leliana looked pointedly at his sword, feeling the imprint of its faded pattern dig into his palm.

‘I have told you, again and again. She has experienced a trauma so severe she has retreated in her mind. The red lyrium exposure was far higher than it should have been so she is fighting off both. She is alive, and she is there. We have to allow her time, not run off at the first sign of difficulty!’ Cullen felt his jaw start to hurt because his teeth had been clenched so tightly as he spoke, trying to keep a lid on his temper.

‘The Inquisition needs its Commander as well!’ Josephine snapped in frustration. ‘You were supposed to be in Orlais to agree the Inquisition forces and the Imperial Army initiate joint operations together, oversee this DesRosier mess…..’

Cullen almost gaped at the Ambassador in his disbelief. ‘You want me, of all people, to finish up with the debacle that meddling Richelieu woman landed us in? We sent troops because it was what we needed to do at the time! I am flattered you think me capable of such subtle negotiation, but if you want to see a young girl married off to a walking corpse, then arrange it yourself! I have told you I will not waste my time on it further.’

Josephine flushed hotly, realising that was perhaps not the best example she could have used, but refusing to be cowed. ‘It doesn’t alter the fact that you should be in Orlais, now! Gaspard’s armies…’

‘Will be delighted to welcome the Inquisition’s second in command and the Right Hand of the Divine, who also happen to be nobles just like their senior officers. They will depart in two days. Or are you suggesting Trystan and Cassandra are not capable of handling such a matter?’ Cullen had just managed to relinquish the ironclad grip he’d had on his sword hilt, and was now standing with his arms folded, leaning against the back wall in a deceptively casual stance as he glowered at them both.

‘What about these soldiers in the Frostbacks then?’ Leliana countered accusingly. ‘On your order, we abandoned Chantry sisters to their fate and now I’m getting snippy letters from Teagan asking me what could possibly have been so important that they couldn’t have been saved. He now has to appease a parade of complaining Grand Clerics beating down Alistair’s door, demanding retribution against the Inquisition!’

At that, Cullen had heard enough. He didn’t reply for a moment, simply stalking towards the heavy oak door leading out of the war room, wondering if he slammed it loud enough whether all of the counters would fall onto the floor. Hugely childish of him, perhaps, but at that point it would have been beyond satisfying.

Just before he left, he turned and pinned them both with a cold, withering glare that didn’t hide how disappointed he was in their attitude.

‘I wrote to both Gaspard and Alistair some time ago to apprise them of the situation, giving somewhat more detail to Alistair who, of course, has already heard it all from Cadan anyway. So if you are concerned about my inability to function as the Inquisition’s Commander, rest assured I can at least find it in me to do the politically correct thing when required, if nothing else. I heard back from them both today.’

His voice became icier, his contempt for their standpoint markedly apparent in his next words.

‘Let me see – oh yes, Gaspard responded saying that his own injuries sustained at the hands of Imshael and battling Ser Michel - who has, by the way, been restored back to his place of honor and will come to Skyhold for a spell – were so severe it took months of recuperation in seclusion, and that Lady Trevelyan should take all the time she needs.’

‘He then went on to say how in awe all his senior officers were to meet two such renowned warriors, and that Trystan will have some competition on his hands if he is to keep Lady Cassandra’s hand. And visa versa for Trystan too, for that matter. All the training sessions and martial combat displays are already booked out, with people clamouring for more of their time. The worst thing they’ll have to endure are some formal dinners, for which our Knight-Commander is far better suited than I, wouldn’t you agree, my lady Ambassador?’ 

Cullen’s disapproval had crept into his voice as he watched the two women, refusing to fidget but both starting to look slightly uncomfortable

‘Alistair’s exact response to the issue of the Grand Clerics was to draw me a picture of a stick man warrior with a sword through their chest spurting blood. It was annotated along the lines of ‘There’s one less Red Templar to torture Lea on the Rack. The Inquisition has its priorities right – Teagan just can’t bear having to deal with that bunch of old women with funny hats yet again’.’

Cullen knew he should stop, but to be accused of not fulfilling his responsibilities as Commander, not to mention being somehow deficient because he spent so much of his time caring for Leaena, had proven too much for him. Particularly from Josephine, but he refused to stoop to bringing up personal relationships when it came to Inquisition matters. 

Out of everyone, these two should have cared the most – she had done so much for them, more than they ever deserved. And still, they didn’t care nearly enough.

‘Our armies are ready to march the moment we identify where Corypheus is, the Chevalier recruits are working with our officers on a training schedule, Ferelden is reporting as being clear of demons from the Breach and we have nearly completed the same in the Exalted Plains, with Gaspard’s personal thanks. Was there something I had missed? Because believe me, if you want to do this, I would be more than happy to take Leaena away and for us to never hear sight nor sound of the Inquisition again!’

‘We aren’t saying that at all, Cullen.’ Leliana raised her hands in a gesture of conciliation. ‘It’s just – you need to prepare yourself for the worst.’

He knew he shouldn’t have stayed.

‘After all she has been through – no, I am finished with this conversation. The Inquisitor will wake and she will be exactly herself once more,’ he snarled, completely losing his temper. ‘And then, I will expect a full apology from you both. To her. For your lack of faith and utter disdain for everything the Inquisition stands for!’

Not waiting to listen to any more, Cullen yanked open the door and slammed it as hard as he could, hearing the echo of the bang reverberate down the corridor as he stormed down the corridor to the Main Hall.

Fortunately, he never got harassed by the congregated crowds for some reason and today was no exception. People seemed to melt out of his way as he ignored them all, heading straight for his horse so he could head back to Leaena.

Finally, he was mounted and heading out underneath the massive portcullis of Skyhold’s entrance, drawing deep breaths as he tried to calm his anger. He had about twenty minutes or so of riding to do before he would be back with her, taking deep breaths of icy air and pulling his hood close over his face to ward against the frosty chill. Small puffs of cloud appeared in front of his face as he felt the skin of his lips tighten in the cold.

Winter had set in with a vengeance whilst they had all been away, not to mention despondency and demotivation. The row he’d just left had been the same one he’d had with Josephine and Leliana almost every day since they returned two weeks ago.

The trip home had been the longest journey of his life, the most complicated and, without a shadow of a doubt, the most stressful. If Cullen thought about it, it was worse than actually trying to find Leaena in the first place in so many ways. There hadn’t been exploding, end-of-the-world type magic for them to contend with, for starters.

She’d erupted twice more before he’d managed to reach inside her mind. One occasion had been quite close to a village near Val Royaeux, where her magical fire cast towards the heavens would have easily been visible. Leliana’s agents had been able to stifle any rumours, but there had been so much gossip running rampant about the Inquisitor and her increasingly erratic behaviour, it was impossible to tell how successful they had been.

Somehow, after six weeks or so of carefully manoeuvring her sleeping body over some of the most challenging terrain in Thedas, they had made it back. Never had Cullen been so relieved to see the turrets of Skyhold appear in the distance.

He hadn’t even bothered heading into the fortress. As the five of them had all agreed, it was too dangerous to take Leaena there. The flag had been raised to show the Inquisitor was in residence at long last, but they’d agreed to keep to the story that she was still recovering from injuries sustained at the Shrine of Dumat which required complete isolation, and not go into it further. It wasn’t a lie, after all.

Instead, they had all turned to the path down to the lakes, heading towards the private area that was just for Leaena’s use. He’d ordered a small cabin to be erected with all the supplies and basic necessities they’d need for however long it took for Leaena to wake up. None of the others, particularly Trystan and Cadan, could bear to head inside Skyhold until they’d seen for themselves that she was settled.

All of her companions, Josephine and Leliana had been waiting. It had been quite the emotional reunion for them all, both of his friends beyond relieved to be back with their loved ones. He and Blackwall had even exchanged curt nods, light years away from their previous hostility. There were more important things for him to worry about than some unimportant imagined rivalry.

The log cabin had exceeded all his expectations – small, cozy and comfortable, with a desk for him to work and a comfortable chair by the bed so he could sit and read to her. It was, oddly, almost identical to the setup they’d had in Ostwick.

_If she would just wake up, things would then be perfect._

They’d established a rota of company for Leaena so he could spend time at Skyhold dealing with the myriad of issues he’d been ignoring for weeks. It was safer now she was so much better. Solas visited twice a day and Trystan and Cadan whenever they wanted. Sometimes the others would join them as well. Cullen had a summoning crystal for Solas if something urgent happened.

Leaena’s three advisors were just unable to agree, all of them having such diametrically opposed views on the future. Cullen was sick to his back teeth of them questioning when she would wake, what they would do in the meantime and who could replace her. On that last comment from Leliana, he hadn’t trusted himself not to put a serious dent in the war table with his sword, or fists – or anything nearby that he could damage.

 _They don’t know, they don’t understand._  

He’d finally reached his and Leaena’s home, eager to see her once more as he heaved a sigh of relief to himself.

‘…..the last theory you put forward was the potential for the fusion at two points of crossover….one energy would have to negate the other….unless you’re arguing positive and negative attraction…..’

‘…..the sub fluctuations would end up repelling…..nullifying any magnetic field……it’s a neutral object….flows of Spirit are charged….impossible reaction for the reduction of the contraflow….’

The sounds of a lively debate inside the cabin reached Cullen’s ears as he stabled his horse. He grabbed the armfuls of paperwork he’d retrieved from his office and a bag of food and drink that Sera had arranged for him from the tavern. He’d seemingly been forgiven his regretful behaviour when he’d started a fight in the bar.

‘I’m telling you, that can’t be possible…….oh hi, Cullen. Welcome back. Tell him, would you? What he’s suggesting is about as improbable as Tevinter and Orlais holding a civilised conversation over dinner without anyone being murdered.’ Dorian was on his feet, pacing the small length of the cabin as Solas sat examining a scroll, frowning slightly.

‘If you want me to comment on whatever it is you were just arguing about, I don’t have a clue. It would end up in outright war, based on the scenario you just painted.’ He dropped everything on the table, quickly hanging up his cloak and letting his sword rest by the door before heading straight to Leaena, still not having woken, on the bed.

Solas had positioned to lie on her side so her muscles didn’t get too accustomed to being in one position. Sitting on the bed with his back against her stomach, he took her hand in his as he checked her aura for any changes. ‘How is she? The red has faded quite considerably, hasn’t it?’

‘It has. She is doing well at combating whatever is going on inside her.’ He stood, gesturing to an array of potions on the kitchen counter. ‘Just the usual dosage of lyrium now – I don’t want to give Lea too much. I bought you down some more warming potions too.’

‘You look tired, Cullen. Bad day? You need to take care of yourself as well.’ Dorian started to put on his cloak, getting ready to brave the sub-zero temperatures and snow that had started to fall outside. 'And I found a copy of 'A Compiled History of the Occupied North' - are you sure she wants to read about that? Ayesleigh has a terribly dry writing style at the best of times.'

‘Leaena likes reading that sort of thing. And I'm fine - it's just the usual.’ He rubbed his face, giving a yawn and wincing slightly at his headache. ‘We have to figure out a way to agree on things until she is better. Maker, I am tired of arguing. As if it wasn’t enough just to get her home, now we have to contend with people still questioning whether she should be in charge.’

‘It’ll blow over once she wakes. They’re both just frightened. Try to relax. The Inquisition needs its Commander whole just as much as its Inquisitor.’

Dorian’s advice was, of course, right. It was hard for Cullen to focus on anything else, however. He would always prioritise her welfare above his.

‘Thank you both, for keeping her company. I know she’ll want to add to that debate when she wakes up.’

With a wave goodbye, he watched as the door closed shut. There was a warm glow from the fire roaring in the grate, the afternoon sun filtering in through the window landing on her face. He immediately forgot all his anger and frustration, feeling it fall away as relaxation set in.

‘Just the two of us, my lady, for the rest of the day. What shall we do? I can’t face sitting down to reams of paper just yet.’ Dropping a kiss on her nose, he sat quietly, staring at the flames for a while, relishing the peace that had enveloped them both as he rested one arm along her side, teasing her hair through his fingers.

Cullen missed her so much, even though she was here with him physically. He could feel her growing stronger, pushing out the madness and steadily repelling the red lyrium, but her mind was still hidden, still terrified to return to the real world.

Every time he thought about what she had been through he wanted to alternatively hunt Samson down, or curl up next to her and not leave this cabin of theirs ever again – the only way he knew she wouldn’t suffer.

‘I know why you won’t wake,’ he said softly, looking down at her pale, still face as he spoke. ‘I’m so sorry, for everything you have been through. You take all the time you need. I will always be here.’

A subtle smouldering of her magic at his words made Cullen smile, as did the cherished memory of the first time they had made love, at this very spot. There was power in memories and he’d hoped just being in the location would help her.

‘It just seemed right, to bring you to the place where we spent our first night at Skyhold, all that time ago. Can you believe how far we have come since then? Look at all you have achieved.’

Her magic was responding more and more to his voice now. Surely it couldn’t be too long until her mind caught up? Looking up out of the window, he reached a decision.

‘Snow and sun. You’d like this – the flakes are glittering like diamonds. Shall we go and take a look? Fresh air would do you some good – it’s been a couple of days since you were outside.’ An idea then occurred to him as he went to get two of the potions Solas had left, drinking one before managing to get the other bottle down her.

‘You could do with a bath, and so could I. Some fresh water should help clear away this headache of mine. Wait a moment whilst I get organised.’

Grabbing towels and some of Leaena’ lotions that she liked, he set everything up on the lake’s shore before returning inside to get her ready.

Cullen stripped off everything but his breeches as he sat for a minute so he could undress her, gently easing the shirt off, one arm at a time before lifting it over her head. The trousers he pulled off with ease. She was still underweight, having been on a diet of various potions for almost two months and nothing else.

Scooping Leaena up in his arms and pressing his lips to her cheek, he headed outside, making sure he had her curled right up against his bare skin so she’d feel the heat of his body. Warming potion or not, it made him feel reassured that she wouldn’t freeze. 

Asides from her magic, she was still completely unresponsive as she had been all these weeks. Aside from being tortured, it was the last way he’d ever wanted to see her naked, but he had to keep hoping something might strike a chord inside her mind.

‘I thought you might like to be clean, and you do love being in water.’

Walking into the lake, the potions having done what they needed to, Cullen felt the cotton cling to his thighs and calves as he waded deeper. He watched for any sign the cold was too much for her as he delicately lowered her into the freezing blue stillness.

Leaena didn’t even flinch when a wave lapped over her stomach, the rise and fall of her steady breath forming ice crystals in front of her nose as she slept on. Hesitantly, he let her body float with one arm underneath her back and holding her right up against his chest as he sat own on a ledge under the water, using the lightest of touches as he started to soap her legs.

Cullen had been taking care of her since he’d found her, refusing to let anyone else help. Now they were back at Skyhold, he had no intention of letting anyone else near her in such an intimate way either.

‘Remember when we were in Halamshiral, and the night you drank a bit too much brandy? I didn’t want to have you naked then and it feels odd now. Even though I’ve done this so often since we found you, if that makes sense. You have suffered and I would not add to your burden. It’s irrational, maybe, because you need to wash and someone has to help you. And I would never hurt you. I hope you know that.’

There was nothing sexual about what he was doing – it had been the last thing on Cullen’s mind – but he wanted her to hear it too. Hopefully. Unable to bring himself to put a hand between her legs, particularly not now he knew the full extent of it all, he finished sponging her thighs and her backside and moved his hand up to her stomach and upper body. She was still so thin he could count each rib, her pelvic bones clearly visible.

‘When you wake up, then you’ll have a proper bath too. I promise you oils, candles and a massage if you like.’

The deep bite marks all over her body, as if she’d been attacked by a rabid animal, were just noticeable still. The worst of them had been on the translucent skin of her breasts, where someone had torn chunks of her skin off with their teeth.

Trying not to think of that in case he inadvertently let go of Leaena in an apocalyptic rage, Cullen needed to distract himself, not wanting that blackness to reach her. The notes of an ancient hymn reverberated softly through his voice, the words springing unbidden to his lips as he started to sing.

‘Shadows fall. And hope has fled. Steel your heart. The dawn will come. ’

His hand rinsed the soap from her left arm before moving up to clean her face, his fingertips lightly massaging her skin in small circles. Droplets of water ran down her face as he splashed it clear of the suds.

Reaching over for another bottle, he sprinkled some of the orange smelling stuff on her hair that Leaena swore by and began to lather, easing his fingers through the knots and working them out. It was a bit awkward, doing it all one-handed, but he had it down to a fine art now after so many weeks of looking after her.

‘The night is long, and the path is dark. Look to the sky, for one day soon, the dawn will come.’

‘The shepherd’s lost, and his home is far. Keep to the stars, the dawn will come.’

_Where did we - Haven. So long ago now._

_She wanted to listen to me._

‘The night is long, and the path is dark. Look to the sky, for one day soon, the dawn will come.’

He was smiling unconsciously as he continued to sing, remembering the rousing chorus of the escaped Inquisition in these same mountains, bringing them all together. She had refused to join in with the rest due to her inability to hold a tune. Instead, Leaena had contentedly leant back against him, her body fitting so perfectly against his as he’d wrapped his arms around her waist, finishing the song for them both.

Cullen had it on good authority, however, that Leaena had, in part, been lying – she’d wanted to hear him instead. It was something she’d confessed to Varric one night after one too many glasses of whiskey whilst she’d been away. As soon as he’d reached the camp, right after they’d rescued her from the Shrine, the dwarf had practically ordered him to start singing there and then in cased it helped with her recovery.

Whatever Leaena wanted, Cullen would be happy to oblige her. He continued with the song, his voice soft in the quiet of the steadily falling snow.

‘Bare your blade, and raise it high. Stand your ground, the dawn will come.’

Her long hair was flowing out in the water now he was done. It surrounded her like a golden halo as the light of the setting sun caught it under the water, adding a glow to her pale skin and a tint of red to her lips. She looked ethereal, rested and at peace, not a muscle in her face moving as he let some water flow over her once more to rinse the remaining foam from her.

Cullen felt a jolt shoot up from deep within his lower abdomen and explode in his chest to see her so beautiful yet so fragile - every fibre of his being pulsing with his love for her.

‘It gives me such peace, to feel you connected inside my soul again. I miss you so very much, Leaena. I hope you find your way back to me soon.’

Cullen was whispering to her as he gathered her body to his, needing to feel the silken sensation of Leaena’s skin against his own. Her magic had blazed as he’d started to sing and was dancing in delight now, calling to him just like it used to before she left. It ecstatically wound its way around his lyrium, which was thrilled at the response it had just received.

Smoothing the wet strands out of her face, he tucked them behind her ears before running a damp hand through his own unruly hair to keep it out of his eyes. Leaning her back against his chest, he arranged them both so she was seated under the water in his lap as he bent forward, pressing a lingering kiss to her lips, wistfully wishing with all his heart she would come back.

He sighed as he rested his cheek against hers, his arms crossed over her stomach as a couple of fingers ghosted over the silky smooth skin just under her ribs. He was absently watching the snow, falling harder now as the afternoon light lit up the whirling flurry in front of them. Set against a backdrop of a smouldering pink sky, the swirling grey clouds of the storm had just turned silver from the backlight of the sun.

It was a dazzling display, thousands of glittering flakes drifted their way into the lake and landing on them both. White smudges caught up in Leaena’s dark eyelashes and white-blonde hair, making her look like a fairy princess.

‘It’s beautiful, just like you, my lady. I wish you could see this. I miss you, miss sharing things with you.’

He remembered all the times they had quietly sat together in this exact pose, saying nothing as they enjoyed the simple joy that just being with one another bought them both. Cullen’s sadness overtook him then, a deep longing for her conscious self to be restored once more sweeping through his veins.

‘The night is long……’

Cullen didn’t register for a moment the sound of an angelic voice so pure his heart wanted to break at the sound. The remainder of the chant he'd started was reaching its conclusion from the sweet voice now singing the words slowly by his ear

He was also thoroughly distracted by a delicious heat diffusing inside his chest as something merged deep inside of him, answering his call.

 ‘and the path is dark…….’

The sound filtering through his soul was crystal clear in its perfection. The devastating feeling of loneliness vanished, replaced by something far more fundamental - completion.

‘Look to the sky……..’

After so many months of waiting, the dark hours, days and weeks fearing she was lost to him forever, he couldn’t quite bring himself to believe what his ears were telling him, afraid to look and feel such crushing disappointment should he be hallucinating instead.

Not daring to breathe, he tilted Leaena’s face to his. Her eyes were still closed and her lips weren’t moving, making him wonder if he’d just imagined the whole thing in his desperation to have her back.

Cullen couldn’t stop himself as he gently kissed her once more, feeling a shock of energy as their lips met, all while his heart and soul continued to call her back home.

\------

Cold. That was it. Hot. Cold. She could feel it now, the tang of stale, frozen air on her tongue. She bent down to scoop up a handful of snow, watching the shimmering flakes fall through her fingers as they settled on the ground.

Lea had drifted in here from a red lyrium quarry of doom, complete with a torture chamber that had left her crumpled in so much pain she’d been unable to float anywhere, lying screaming on the floor as the memories returned to her. It had been the latest place her brain had sent to test her.

There had already been Vivienne and the Harrowing Chamber, her room in Ostwick, complete with the crazed blood mage, and the shack where Samson had held her the first time round. The torture chamber of the Shrine had nearly broken her, with what little she could recall.

But it hadn’t. She had found her way out, the pain insubstantial compared to what she stood to gain if she managed to claim her freedom. The cobalt had sustained her where her sapphires had faltered, giving her the strength and courage to carry on.

Memories were good, even the bad ones. They made her who she was, and she would find a way to cope with their impact once she was restored to herself. There was only a fraction more that she needed to recapture.

The small tunnel she found herself in now was glowing with an azure light when the scene shifted around her. It morphed into a passageway, covered with old wooden trellises, icicles and rocky outcrops. It was tantalisingly familiar.

More and more was returning to her as her magic grew stronger and she repulsed the red lyrium. She was reliving scenarios of her past, both real and imagined. The very first scene she had managed to escape from was a darkspawn-infested Valammar. Which would make sense, given the pull of their call within her still. 

Lea’s ghostly form had now taken on a physical shape, and she had to walk rather than float through the air. Her thoughts were more coherent, functioning more rationally. This place….

Her sapphires had started to glow brighter as the end of the dim passage materialised before her, the endless path she’d been treading suddenly coming to an end. A blast of freezing air nearly swept her off her feet as she stepped outside into a blizzard.

_Don’t leave us alone, with only our song to guide us._

‘I heed a different song now.’

She knew this place. She was above Haven, fleeing the avalanche, a dragon and a lunatic magister, desperately searching for someone…..a memory of love rippled through her like a living thing as she saw the cobalt burn deeper in response to her thoughts. It was the last thing she had to regain.

Looking up, shivering with the chill that seeped through her, she put one foot forward in front of the other. It was dark and nothing else was visible apart from a howling tempest of snow, stinging her face with every hit.

_You can only escape me once this way. And why would you want to? I can offer you so much more than you have._

‘I have everything I could ever want. You offer me nothing.’

Her arms were held up to protect her face, crossed over her eyes as she battled against the bite of the wind, each step forward a major achievement. The sensation of cloth against her skin made Lea stop in surprise. She had skin. She had clothes on. It was armour that had long since been consigned to the fire, she’d worn it so often.

_It matters not, whether you have substance. You don’t even know what you are._

‘Substance means I am winning, and you are losing. I can only be myself, nothing more.’

Each step had become agony, her muscles burning as they ploughed through snow that came up to her knees.

She reached a tree line, making her pause and search for a way out of this memory. The snowstorm had stopped and the barren winter landscape around her was now visible. Her breath was frosting in front of her face as she gazed up to stare at the crimson moon, set against a vermillion sky.

It was so transparent now though, Lea quite easily able to see the black of the night behind it. It meant she was close. Encouraged, she moved forward once more, climbing higher up the side of the mountain, each step becoming harder and harder as she searched for the pathway towards her freedom. 

There was something else too, a different call to the Taint, its flawless yearning consuming her. The cobalt was flowing faster, so intimately close to her sapphires now as the weave of her magic had become a perfectly symmetrical blend of the two energies, vibrating with life.

_It means nothing. You will forever be lost in the wilderness of your mind. Only I can save you._

The spectre, once so menacing to Lea, was lost - rendered meaningless. The beautiful voice from the call reverberated through her as she sensed the cobalt now drawing her to move to her right.

The need flowing through Lea was a thirst so deep, it would never be quenched - unless she found the source of the singing and joined her voice to its perfection.

His soul, the missing piece of her. It was just ahead.

She remembered now, her lips blue and cracked as her teeth chattered, whispering the words of the old hymn and drowning out all other sound. Somewhere, a howl of unabated rage shook the ground beneath her but she ignored it, the tapestry of sapphires and cobalt now ablaze, heating her soul and infusing her with their strength.

A tiny passage emerged between the rocks as she sank to her knees, unable to do more than crawl forwards with excruciating difficulty, almost suffocating from the snow that kept filling her mouth.

_You cannot do this without me, Inquisitor. You have failed!_

Collapsing, unable to do any more, she sprawled in the snow, feeling cold permeate through to her bones. The song became soothing, loving, reaching even deeper within her to draw her closer.

It was all there, ringing with certainty through her mind and her heart - compassion, humility, empathy, hope, strength, protection, faith…...everything that made him who he was.

Lea’s world was turning white, a light so vibrant glowing before her she almost couldn’t see. She felt her soul rising, weightless, finally finding the other half she had been searching for.

‘No, Corypheus. You have failed. You never stood a chance in the first place, and you know it.’

She was being picked up from the snow, powerful arms holding her tightly against his chest, promising never to let her go. The song that had called her had stopped, not quite complete but that was fine. This time, she would join in.

She sang from her heart as the sapphire blue of her living essence fused with the cobalt blue of his. An audible snap faded immediately as the final chain that had bound her mind to the Elder One was severed in a clean blow. The prison her head had become for so many months fell away in an instant, the shriek of fury forgotten.

A kaleidoscope of colour exploded in front of her eyes as she felt the electric sensation of his lips on hers. Combined with a woody citrus smell that enveloped her senses, a slow burning energy had spread from her heart throughout her body, making her feel alive. It was real, not another fantasy sent to torment her.

‘……..for one day soon, the dawn will come.’

Lea blinked for a moment as her voice trailed off in a puff of icy mist. The only thing she could now see were amber-golden eyes, blazing with a love so passionate it could only be one person.

She was surrounded by water, heat radiating from the body next to her that was holding her so securely, making her feel protected and safe. A brilliant smile lit her face as her fingers reached up, tenderly tracing a line down his jaw and watching with fascination as a few drops trailed down his face, put there by her touch.

Except that one - that came from him.

As Lea wiped a tear trailing slowly down his cheek with her thumb, feeling him tremble under her touch, she rejoiced in the reality of warm, soft skin and rough stubble tickling her palm at last. She had dreamed of this moment for so long she couldn't quite believe it was here.

His name was the last word she had needed to set herself free

‘Cullen,’ she whispered to her love. ‘I'm home.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From the moment I first heard it, I have always envisaged Cullen singing the Dawn Will Come to Lea in a much more private setting, with her finally joining in :)


	88. A Long Road Travelled

_Blue. Andraste be praised, they’re blue._

It was the only thing Cullen could think as he stared incredulously at her, realising suddenly that Leaena’s eyes were wide open.

The hint of a blush had started to stain her cheeks, her look of disbelief rapidly giving way to one of awe as she stared right back at him.

Exultation so fierce was racing through him, his lips still tingling as a result of that electric kiss. After so many months of not seeing her, not being with her and then rescuing her in such a dramatic fashion, he couldn’t believe that Leaena was actually awake, right in front of him.

His whole world had reduced down to the woman resting in his arms, alive and sane. Her smile, the one that he’d missed so much, was bright and vibrant – lighting up her whole face and leaving Cullen even more dazed than he already felt, his wits completely scrambled.

There was, he noticed distantly, nothing to distinguish the flow of his lyrium, moving in perfect concert with her magic, flawlessly bonded, more so than any time in the past. All he could sense was a love, so deep and abiding, the only thing that had saved her when everything else had gone.

Cullen could feel the heat from Leaena’s hand, the slight calluses on her palm formed from years of combat tickling him as she reached up to touch his face. He could have told her the location of each one, even before her light caress ignited his skin. He knew every inch of her better than he knew himself.

The melodic notes ended, the last words of the verse drifting off across the lake. Her fingers had, without her even thinking about it, made their way to exactly the same spot they always did on his jaw as her thumb gently smoothed away a tear of pure emotion from his cheek.

The only sound to be heard now were from the small drops of water dripping from Leaena’s arm as she moved, and their shallow, rapid breaths, both of them stunned to find themselves back together once more.  

He was speechless and immobile, finding himself totally lost for words. Nothing, and everything, had changed.

 ‘Cullen.’ The musical softness of her voice was low and husky from the long weeks of silence. ‘I’m home.’

She was. Finally.

Dreams had haunted him mercilessly, week after week, convinced Leaena was there – laughing, happy, teasing, loving – only for those visions to crumble into dust in his mind and ashes in his mouth when he woke in the harsh light of dawn to realise she had left him.

In the dead of night, the demon would hunt him down, relentless, unforgiving. It would leave him screaming, tortured and broken with nothing to do but cry out his desolation, destroyed and reduced to nothing yet again. He remembered the bite of the stones sinking into his skin as he lay shivering on the cold floor – curled up, arms wrapped round his chest – in a vain attempt to ward himself against the blind horror of his most precious memories and hopes warped beyond reason.

And now, it was over. He couldn’t quite believe it.

‘You – you came back. To me. At last.’ Cullen was amazed he’d managed to get any sound out at all as he stumbled out a response.

He was so lost in her glorious eyes, relief and happiness unlike anything he’d known making his heart soar, he didn’t have any room left to process coherent speech.

‘I did. I’m sorry I took so long.’ Leaena hadn’t moved her hand from his face, her nails lightly teasing a spot just under his jaw that she knew he especially liked, making him shake even more. ‘Thank you for waiting.’

‘I would wait forever for you.’ he replied simply. There was no other response to that he could give.

‘I know.’ Leaena’s voice caught slightly as he belatedly realised how much she was trembling as well. ‘Cullen?’

If he touched her, perhaps he could actually convince himself she was really there.

‘Yes, my lady?’ He’d remembered how to use his hand, tracing a line down her nose and around the outline of her lips before his fingers continued their leisurely journey along her jaw.

‘Can I sit closer to you, please? You’re a bit far away.’ Two teeth caught at her bottom lip in the habit she had when she was focussed.

‘You’re absolutely right. How remiss of me.’ Cullen hooked his arm under her knees and lifted her up, balancing her on his thigh.

Water streamed over her shoulders, Leaena looking ethereal once more as the sunlight disappeared, silver clouds turning steely grey overhead. Thick flakes of snow were falling harder now, creating a universe of white where only the two of them existed.

Cullen was delighting in the fact that her muscles weren’t floppy any more as he then settled her securely on his lap, his fingers tucked around her waist as his other hand eased her abundance of dripping hair over to her back.

She had wasted no time in leaning her upper body completely against him, as he sensed how weak Leaena was. Her hands had slowly slid over his shoulders before they were firmly entwined round his neck. Her head was resting against his shoulder so he could see her face still – which was fortunate as he couldn’t imagine wanting to look at anything else ever again.

The silky softness of Leaena’s naked skin pressed up against his bare chest, diffusing warmth, her arms wrapped around him as her fingers doodled lazy patterns on his back and down his spine, the smell of her orange blossom – with absolutely no hint of red lyrium’s decay……this was heaven on a scale Cullen had never experienced.

‘Is that better?’ he asked, all of a sudden aware of just how exhausted she had to be, feeling guilty for not having thought of that before.

‘Almost.’ Her eyes burned with the blue fire he’d thought in his darkest moments he’d never see again, more water splashing over their legs as she nestled up as close to him as she could get.

With a sigh of contentment, Leaena rested her head back down against his neck, the hairs all over his body rising at the sensation of her warm breath floating on the sensitive skin at his nape. ‘And don’t feel guilty, Cullen. There is nowhere else I want to be but here.’

Her eyes flickered away for a moment as she looked about her. ‘I do have a question though. Perhaps two.’

‘I can imagine you do,’ Cullen replied while marvelling at the softness of her cheek under his thumbs, brushing away stray drops of water.

‘Why am I in our lake, naked, when it’s snowing – and you aren’t? Not that I mind – I, you are –’. She was having difficulty speaking as well, blushing that adorable shade of reddish pink that he’d never forgotten as one of her nails had begun to trace over his bicep, sparks shooting in its wake.

_Our lake? Maker, I love you._

_But – oh. Awkward._

‘I was giving you a bath – I thought you might want one.’ This time it was his turn to blush furiously as he started to stammer once more. ‘It was pretty outside and I thought you’d, well, I thought you’d like it. You like water – I wasn’t expecting – well, I was but just not right then – you came back.’

Cullen looked down at her, somewhat anxiously. ‘How do you feel? Do you want to get out? Are you cold? I gave you a Solas potion and I have everything –‘.

His nervous ramble came to an abrupt halt as one slender finger pressed against his lips, leaving an imprint of fire as Leaena slowly drew it away.

‘There’s not a nicer way I can think of to wake up, than like this. I feel better than I have done in months,’ she whispered, so quietly he nearly didn’t hear. ‘You don’t know – Andraste save me, I don’t think I can ever explain….’

‘You don’t need to. I do know, Leaena And for you, I would do anything.’ Except she was never going through that ever again.

He would take the hard blows for her from now on – it was what he was meant to do, and had so far failed miserably at. There was so much to talk about, so much to understand. And so much to heal.

But that was for later. Right now, it was just Cullen and Leaena, something he was determined to enjoy for this short amount of time.

‘And I you.’ Her hand had returned to rest on his neck as she took a deep, shaky breath.

She had turned her head into his shoulder, away from him, much to his dismay. Her face had ignited, flushing hotly all the way down her neck and creeping onto her chest.

‘Cullen?’ Her voice was muffled and her fists were clenched, along with her toes which he could just about make out, curled up in the water.

‘Yes, Leaena?’ Mystified as to what had her so uncomfortable, he brushed away the snow that was collecting on top of her hair, waiting for her to pluck up the courage to ask her question.

‘I woke up – you’d just – and I want – I…….please can I have another kiss?’

A low chuckle escaped Cullen as he felt her cheeks burn hotter. Refusing to allow Leaena to turn away from him, he slipped his hand underneath her chin once more and turned her to face him.

‘Kisses are something you never have to ask for, my lady,’ he murmured, his face inches from hers as he watched the flames dance in the depths of her eyes. ‘In fact, I’d be delighted if you helped yourself whenever the need arises.’

The smooth fullness of her lips as his tongue slipped between them, tasting the delicate hint of berries, her light gasp as his teeth caught at her bottom lip – Cullen had never forgotten how incredible just a simple kiss from her was. He felt her hands cupping his face as hot tears fell from her eyes onto his cheeks, sweet and salty flavours combining in his mouth.

He never wanted this to end. Which, by some perverse law of nature meant that it had to, almost straight away.  

‘I think, my lady, it is time to get you indoors.’ Cullen very reluctantly lifted his head as he felt how badly she was now trembling, smiling slightly at her unconscious moan of protest. ‘I know you literally just opened your eyes, but you have to rest.’

Just then, one enormously fat snowflake landed in her lashes and another on the tip of her nose, making her blink and splutter slightly. Both of them looked around to realise the lake had disappeared and it was getting darker – the only light visible through the snowfall coming from the cabin.

‘I suppose that’s one way to welcome me,’ she said ruefully, showing no desire to move. ‘Bad weather. How will we get back to Skyhold? And what are those lights just there? Lanterns?’

‘We are not going back to Skyhold. Hold onto my neck.’ Cullen balanced the weight of her body against his chest, standing up and carrying Leaena out of the lake, the water pouring from them both.

She didn’t say anything for a moment, gazing in astonishment at the small wooden lodge that materialised almost straight away in front of her. ‘Cullen? What is this? Or is my mind playing the cruellest trick on me yet – you aren’t really you and I’m living yet another nightmare that my head has to escape?’

He winced to hear the anguish underlying her words even though her tone was flippant. Not replying for a moment as – warming potions aside – he wanted to get her out of the blizzard, he opened the door. A wall of warmth wrapped round them as he kicked it closed with his foot, relieved to have her out of the howling wind and wondering how he’d not even noticed.

‘This is very real, I promise. Let us both get comfortable and I’ll explain.’ Setting her down on the bed, he wrapped her up in the towels he’d spread out.

He very deliberately kept his eyes up, averting his gaze from her body to give her some form of privacy, although it didn’t seem to have registered with her yet. ‘Would you like me to dry your hair for you?’

‘I’m fine, thank you. You sort yourself out.’ She sat unmoving and silent as her eyes roamed around the cabin.

Cullen started to dry his hair with one hand as he walked to the small kitchen area to heat some water, reaching to undo his breeches with the other. His back was to Leaena as he went to pull them off, completely forgetting how different things were between them now.

He stopped in his tracks as he felt a wave of disorientation, turning quickly to see what the problem was.

Reality had, indeed, returned with a thunderclap.  

Her face was flaming red, embarrassed beyond measure, as she stared at his naked body. Blatant longing warred with confusion and, to his horror, fear as her eyes filled with tears. She was unsure, not knowing how she should behave in front of him anymore, her head still stuck back at the Shrine of Dumat where the last thing she remembered was being mutilated by Samson and his thugs.

_Maker’s Breath, Cullen, how many kinds of idiot can you be!_

Hastily, he wrapped a towel round his waist, cursing himself for a fool. Just because he didn’t have a problem with having no clothes on didn’t mean Leaena was. Those first few minutes had been such a heady rush of happiness and joy for both of them it hadn’t occurred to him what would happen afterwards.

‘How long was I out for?’ An urgency filled her voice as she started to seek answers to questions she didn’t even realise she had.

‘Two months, give or take.’ There was no way to soften the blow of that blunt fact.

Her face drained of all colour and she trembled even harder as she slid back into shock, her mind unable to process that she had lost so much time.

‘Leaena,’ he said softly. He didn’t move, just letting her feel his love, letting her know he would never hurt her as he sensed how conflicted and scared she was. ‘Do you want me to come and sit next to you?’

She nodded, chewing her lip so hard white appeared round her teeth as one tear spilled over, leaving a shining trail as it fell onto her knee.

Cullen’s heart nearly broke to see her in such a state. Leaena was huddled under a towel, clinging onto it with both hands as she wrapped it tightly round her body, her still-wet hair hanging limply and strands sticking to her forehead and cheeks. Her eyes were huge, dark blue wells of agony warring with joy in a face that was far too thin, her delicate cheekbones prominent and her skin almost translucent, the scars delivered by Samson still just visible as they caught the firelight.

Very slowly, he eased himself down next to her, putting his hands in his lap as he watched her teeth continue to clamp down on her lip, pulling her towel close. They sat there for a few minutes, not talking, as he let Leaena work her way through the upheaval in her mind. Her exhilaration upon wakening had ended abruptly and she was clearly struggling to cope with the present she found herself in.

‘And the red lyrium?’ Her voice was hoarse from her anxiety, dreading the answer.

‘Nearly gone,’ he assured her. ‘It’s about the same level now as when you arrived at Ostwick.’

Another nod met his words as he felt the tension within her release slightly.

‘I’m so sorry. For everything. All of it. The Winter Palace – you could have died from Imshael and Vivienne’s attacks, and I just fucked off, after saying all that madness – I hurt you –‘.

Her shaking was so intense now Cullen didn’t even hesitate as he reached for her, able to feel her pain as if it were his own. ‘You did nothing wrong. It’s in the past. I’m here now and so are you.’

He stroked her back in circles, holding her head against his chest, his fingers running softly up and down her cheek. She had, somehow, curled up into a ball of towels on his lap, her feet tucked under her as she physically tried to hide away from her memories. She couldn't escape her mind.

They didn’t move for some time, Cullen knowing this would be but a wave of warning for the flood that had yet to hit them both, particularly Leaena. There was no hiding from her the utter desolation he’d felt for so many months, amplifying her own remorse. But equally, she felt his empathy, his recognition for all she’d gone through, slowly easing her self-recriminations to a level where she could think a bit clearly once more.

Sensing she had calmed down, Cullen decided to see if she wanted to talk. ‘What I said, with the amount of time – I didn’t mean to worry you.’ He wished he’d tried to be less direct, but there was no way for him to hide that from her.

‘Worrying about you was all that got me through some days, when they took everything else away,’ she whispered, sniffling a little, her tears beginning to dry. ‘It makes all the other stuff disappear, if I think about you. It always has.’

He remembered the blood-soaked letters, the coin securely hidden within them. ‘I worry about you a lot too. But, you know what? Here we both are. Back together, in spite of everything.’

‘I am so – ecstatic which sounds mad. It’s almost too much to feel, the intensity of it, after it all – I just want to forget. That. This, this is good.’ She gave up, unable to find the words for what she was experiencing.

He understood, all too well.

‘You have nothing to feel sorry for and nothing to apologise for. I know what you mean. There is no rush, Leaena – you only became conscious again half an hour or so ago. Everything that happens from this point on is done at your pace. We will be here for as long as you need it. You have been to the Veil and back and it takes time to recover.’

‘I just feel so confused – I was – they were – and then I woke up here, with you.’ Leaena’s voice throbbed with her frustration and revulsion, recoiling for her last waking memory. ‘I can’t – I don’t want to talk about it right now though.’

Try as he might, Cullen couldn’t disguise the black rage when he thought about what had been done to her before he got it under control. Now was not the time to go into the detail, especially when he probably knew more than she did.

‘You don’t have to. Don’t say anything at all if you like.’ He unthinkingly kissed her forehead then froze, suddenly wondering whether he’d done something wrong.

‘Cullen, please – just be yourself. I need you to be you, to make this stop. I am sorry I made you feel uncomfortable. I – Maker, I don’t want this to be weird! Not with you.’

She was about to cry again, bewilderment and uncertainty overtaking her as she angrily wiped her tears away. A part of her was just being her usual impatient self, wanting to resolve the bizarre situation they found themselves in and move on. But the majority of her was still severely traumatised, her body exhausted by fighting the red lyrium.

He caught one hand in his as the incessant rubbing at her face became obsessive in her urgency to distract herself. His thumb started massage her palm, drawing her focus away from the tumult in her brain.

‘My lady, it’s going to be weird, whether we like it or not. But I shouldn’t add to that. I’m sorry.’ 

‘No apologies.’ Leaena attempted to smile as she forcibly made herself stay in the present. ‘Let’s make that commitment to not keep falling over ourselves saying sorry to each other, at least. Or that’s all our conversations will revolve around.’

‘Besides, you’re right,’ she added sadly. ‘This is just as weird for you as it is me. I can’t imagine how difficult things have been for you.’

‘It doesn’t matter – it never did. I am just blessed to have you back, sane and whole. You know that.’

Reminding her to focus on her magic and sense his need for her, a fundamental part of him which had only grown in its intensity and strength, Leaena did just that. A proper smile appeared at last as her eyes lost some of their shadows and a hint of colour returned to her cheeks.

Wanting to take advantage of her raised spirits, an idea occurred to him. ‘How about this? You talk to me about it when you feel ready. In the meantime, why don’t we get you dried off properly and dressed? I have something you may like as well.’

She exhaled slowly, frowning at his earlier words. ‘It does matter, what you have gone through. To sense it is one thing, but to talk about it is vital. I am not the only one who needs to recover. But that is another conversation.’  

To his relief as he simply didn’t want to talk about himself, she let the subject drop, sitting upright unsteadily. ‘Maker, I feel as feeble as a kitten.’

A light prickling on his skin, and both of them suddenly dry from head to foot, was the only indication she’d just cast. ‘Although that still seems to work. Oh shit, sorry….’

‘I don’t mind and you just broke the rules.’ He gave a small smile, secretly pleased that she felt comfortable enough to perform an unconscious action that she used to do for them both all the time.

‘If you are feeling so weak, it is because you are. Solas’ potions have sustained you and nothing else these last weeks. Waking up was a huge part of your recovery, but it is by no means over. Are you able to stand?’

She climbed off his lap and obediently stood a bit shakily on her feet, looking around again in approval at their home for the foreseeable future.

‘This is just lovely. How did you get all of this arranged?’ Her toes were wriggling into the thick red rug she was standing on. ‘I’ve been looking for something like this for my own quarters but it fits much better here.’

‘You are like the proverbial kitten you just described when you do that,’ he said teasingly as he went to fetch her some clothes. ‘Something easy tonight – here. Arms up.’

He pulled one of his plain cotton shirts on over her head, letting her pull her arms through. ‘Now, step in – there you go. These are yours.' As he helped her into some pans and trousers, she sighed when she saw how loose the waistband was.

‘Holy Andraste, I have lost so much weight – and muscle. It’s going to take ages to build myself back up. I –‘. The sight of a thick silvery scar running down her left arm bought her jarringly to a halt as her bottom lip started to quiver, fighting to control herself in the face of such overwhelming visions that swarmed her.

Cullen had just tided away the towels and quickly put his own clothes on when he caught sight of Leaena’s face, twisted with remembrance of torture, the images once again threatening to consume her as she ran her thumb over the lumpy tissue again and again.

‘Sshh, lovely lady, it’s alright. It’s over.’ He removed her hand from the scar, enfolding her in his arms and held her tight, stroking her hair and whispering softly words of encouragement until her shaking started to subside.

‘I can’t deal with this yet!’ she choked out. ‘I can’t think about then. It happened, but it’s still hidden in a big iron box locked up in my head.’

‘You don’t have to think about anything yet.’ It was so much harder than he’d ever expected, to see her trying to cope with so much and able to do nothing to help her.

‘It – I can’t believe it was two months, Longer, really.’ She was subdued, her voice muffled as she mumbled into his chest, her arms clamped round his waist, refusing to talk further about what had happened.

He wouldn’t push her, feeling his soul shredding to watch her fighting an invisible battle that was making her bleed time and time again.

Besides, he could tell she was about to collapse on the floor. Lifting her up, he carried her over to the sofa next to the fire.

‘Don’t move from here,’ he ordered sternly, as she tucked her feet under her legs, saying nothing as her eyes followed him around the room, afraid he would suddenly vanish before her eyes.

Reaching for a blanket, he stopped suddenly, realising what she’d prefer.

‘There,’ he smiled as her whole face glowed with pleasure to be tucked up underneath his cloak, her mood swinging once again to something more positive. ‘Is that a bit better now?’

‘Much. I missed having this with me when I was away. It always smells of you, brings you closer.’ She was snuggled up on the sofa now, her head resting on the arm as she watched the flames licking up the fireplace.

‘Drink these for me.’ Handing her the potions Solas had ordered her to take, he turned back to the now cold food on the table. ‘Sera sent me home with some chicken pie. Apparently as well as not smiling enough, I don’t eat enough either. It might be too much for you, but would you like to try? I just need to –‘.

‘Heat it up? I can do that for you.’ A moment later their dinner was piping hot in front of him.

‘And she’s right. You have lost weight too and you look so tired. You haven’t been looking after yourself.’ There was no censure from Leaena, only concern and guilt, knowing how much he’d had to endure because of her.

_She must never know how close I was to listening to its siren call, so many times._

‘If I’m not allowed to feel guilty, neither are you. It seems there is a whole list of banned emotions that we both need to navigate in the coming weeks.’ Cullen’s tone was light as he replied, wanting to distract her away from his own private hell which he’d been suffocating in for the last few months.

She was, as it happened, too drained to comment further, the two small spells she’d cast leaving her exhausted.

Gathering everything together, he placed it on a small table, sitting on the floor and taking her hand in his once more. ‘Dinner, thanks to a certain Red Jenny and the Herald’s Rest.’

Not waiting for Leaena to reply, he put some of the pie onto a fork, holding it up to her lips. ‘Eat.’

Her eyes widened but she said nothing, opening her mouth wide as he started to feed her. She closed her eyes and groaned at the taste of the savoury juices and spices. ‘Damn, that is amazing, actual flavour. Real food, after so long. And I mean well before you found me. I have something to ask, by the way.’

Cullen made a mental note to buy Sera a present. ‘What would you like to know?’

A gleam of amusement appeared in her eyes. ‘I am curious to know what was so heinous, my Commander and one of my Inner Circle found it necessary to come to blows in a packed tavern.’

His face and ears burned red immediately, the heat of it making his skin tingle as he gave her another bite of the pie. ‘Shit. I was hoping you might have forgotten about that, but you clearly haven’t, have you? Dorian mentioned that you weren’t best pleased.’

Leaena shrugged dismissively. ‘When I first read your note, I was upset, but knowing it was down to me more than anything, especially once I heard from everyone else. Your argument was indicative of just how badly wrong everything was going throughout the Inquisition, all of it my fault. Afterwards, though?’

He would never get bored of looking into her eyes, watching the shift in her moods as her irises reflected every shade of blue in the spectrum. Now, they were luminous, sparkling sapphires the same colour as her magic that was resting peacefully deep in his soul.

‘I know why you did what you did.’ Her fingers were tracing over his scar and then up over his cheekbone, as if she couldn’t bear not to be touching him somehow. ‘You humble me, Cullen. No one else, not even my own brothers, kept their faith in me the way you did. They, and my companions tried and were ground down by my actions, the negativity, the rumours….’

‘When the world was calling me a bitch, insane, mad, unfit for purpose, you believed in me when everyone else had written me off – you believed I would come back. You were the only one who stood up for me. In front of the whole of Skyhold, pretty much, the way gossip spreads here.’

Her hand had come to rest under his chin, her thumb slowly making circles before reaching up to graze across his bottom lip. Cullen’s skin was already on fire with mortification and the undeserved praise, but just a few simple caresses from her took pure sensation to a whole new level.

‘So in a long answer to your question, no I haven’t forgotten, and I never will. Thank you for being my champion, ser knight.’

Leaena always had a way of looking at him like he was the most special person in the world – just like she was doing now, making it hard for him to breathe. To have someone make him feel that way, cherished, loved, wanted – Cullen hadn’t realised how much she completed him until she went away.

‘You are mine to defend, my lady, for the rest of my life.’ He was trying his best not to gawp at her in unashamed admiration as he managed to somehow speak. Her scars and ravaged body didn’t even register – she was still the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.

‘I thought I had ruined things forever.’ Bitter regret had seeped into her words.

‘But your letters – I – it gave me hope. I was so confused, I – just wanted to save you, I wanted to protect you, and the voices were relentless…it wasn’t because I didn’t love you. Never.’

Her hand had crept its way to his neck, her thumb now making a pattern behind his ear as Cullen rested his head into her palm, needing to draw from Leaena the comfort and peace she always represented to him.

There was so much still unsaid between them both, but they would get there, he was sure of it. They could still talk, share each other’s deepest fears and find a way forward. Samson hadn’t destroyed that – hadn’t destroyed their connection, which went well beyond magic and lyrium.

‘You ruined nothing. That would be impossible to do.’ He reached up, his fingers drifting slowly along the smooth lines of her face, trying to appease his permanent urge to always feel some part of her on his skin. ‘I knew what you were going through, Leaena. I lived it too – I know what they do to you. I understand.’

‘Not only did you relive your past in excruciating detail, you had to witness mine…..’ She breathed out slowly, pushing back the encroaching darkness. ‘Because I understand too now. What they do……it’s a miracle we both are still alive.’

‘But we are alive. Everything makes us who we are. And if it has led me to this point, the woman I love returned to me? How can I complain?’ Cullen didn’t hesitate with his reply. ‘If I had not gone through the horror of Kinloch Hold, if I hadn’t gone through the long, agonising years of Kirkwall – would I have become Commander? Would we even have met?’

He shook his head, that moment of realisation making everything clear. ‘If I hadn’t experienced what I did – you would probably not have made it. Our enemies would have done this to you regardless, just with far more devastating results. But this isn’t about the Inquisitor, or the Inquisition’s Commander. It’s about Leaena and Cullen.’

He paused, watching a myriad of sentiments play across her face – anger, elation, despair, relief, wretchedness, happiness – a snapshot of everything they had been through to reach this point.

‘Don’t think I haven’t wasted years of my life wondering what the Maker’s intent was, to give me such a challenging path. But now, I know. All my trials, everything I have survived? It is for you. And I would do it all over again if it gives me even the smallest chance of saving your life, of helping you now.’

Cullen’s voice tailed off in the stillness of the cabin, suddenly feeling hesitant of himself in the intensity of emotion his words had generated between them. Leaena’s breathing was shallow and her pulse rapid in her neck, right where his fingers had stopped. Her gaze was fixed on him and her lips parted slightly, her eyes dark in a room now only lit by firelight.

There was a gentle pressure on his neck pulling his face to hers. Her lips pressed lingeringly once, then twice against his, before neither of them could bear it any more, a soft sigh of pleasure and need escaping Leaena as her mouth opened to taste him.

It was a kiss that said more than words ever could. Cullen could sense the emptiness, misery and dread she’d felt during those missing months away from his side, along with her love, adoration and exhilaration to finally be back with him. He knew she was still terrified, merely delaying the inevitable fact of having to deal with the aftermath.

But for now, it was enough just to be together.

‘You are a remarkable man, Cullen. And I am a woman who is beyond fortunate.’ Leaena lifted her head, resting the tip of her nose against his for a moment before she found his eyes once more. ‘Did I tell you already how very badly I missed you?’

‘You don’t need to. I know.’ He sat up, his head resting against her chest as his hand found the light strands of her hair once more, absently playing with the ends. ‘I felt the same. But never again. I promise.’

‘I will hold you to that,’ she replied with quiet determination. ‘I have no intention of leaving your side.’

They sat quietly, watching each other with a hint of disbelief that both of them were even in the same room.

Night had fallen completely by now as the wind still whistled outside, the logs on the fire hissing as Cullen threw a couple more on before settling himself back down on the floor.

Just then, Leaena’s stomach growled, making them both laugh and, in a strange way, helping make things feel a bit more normal.

‘I think you need to eat some more of this. It’s still warm.’

He held up another mouthful for Leaena, smiling at her evident appreciation of something as ordinary as a chicken pie. Cadan had been right – she was far happier here with him in these simple surroundings than she ever had been in any other incarnation in her life. He badly wanted to give her this, and more, once they were through with saving the world.

They had never discussed the future, not in any great depth before. There was always something that got in the way, like power hungry Duchesses, mad former Templars – of which he could have ended up as – or demons spewing out of the sky.

‘You look contemplative. What are you thinking about?’ Leaena asked as she caught a drip of gravy on her finger just before it rolled down his chin. ‘I’m normally the muckier one. Are you challenging me for my crown?’

‘A momentary lapse on my part. I have some of that runny chocolate you can spread on bread. Dorian had it ordered from Minrathous, just for you. I’m sure you’ll retain your place of honour after you’ve finished – because you’ll skip the bread and eat it from a spoon, getting it everywhere as usual.’ He grinned broadly at her, as she stuck her tongue out at him, enjoying teasing each other once more.

_It truly is the little things that count._

‘In answer to your first question, just what we were saying earlier. And what next. After we are done. What could have been.’ Cullen passed her a glass of water, pleased to see she had some appetite. ‘If my life had gone differently, what would have happened. What would have happened to you.’

‘Dorian and I are truly related, if he knows how badly I crave that stuff without prompting. But anyway, what do you mean? That’s a whole range of scenarios.’  

‘Don’t you ever wonder what would have happened if you had not been at the Conclave? If you’d never become Inquisitor?’ He wasn’t going to mention the conversation he and Trystan had about the alternative fate that could have been theirs. Ever.

_Now is a_ _good as time as any to find out what she wants. I hope it’s the same as me._  

Irrationally, he felt a bit nervous, something she immediately picked up on as her fingertips ran lightly across his scalp in a random pattern, reaching out to reassure him.

‘I do, although I end up with another question. Would it mean a life without you?’ Her expression of curiosity had disappeared as she smiled, her fingers making twirls with his wayward hair as she considered her next words. ‘And I reach the same conclusion every time. Can you guess what my answer is?’

Cullen chuckled lightly, feeling absurdly pleased by her reply. ‘I am sincerely hoping it’s not even an option.’

‘Never,’ Leaena replied firmly. ‘Just like you, I would do this all again if it meant we could be together. All of it. To sit here with you, like this? It makes it all worthwhile – it makes me think of the future, and how it will be for us. And I don’t mean sitting around, eating pie, although I hope that comes into it at some point. There is nothing that we can’t overcome together.’

He kissed her softly, shaken by her words. He needn’t have worried that Leaena would go anywhere without him, of course. But it was still nice to hear. Talking about what would happen afterwards was helping keep Leaena focussed away from the chaos her mind was still in.

‘So, what about you? After we are done? What were your thoughts?’ She distractedly took another mouthful of food, interested in his reply.

‘If we are together, it hardly matters.’ Cullen surprised himself with those words.

_But it’s true. I don’t need to worry._

_So long as I have her I am complete._

‘You are right,’ Leaena replied softly, smiling back at him. ‘Cullen and Leaena. That’s all we need. The rest will figure itself out.’

She became pensive, beginning to look a bit disgruntled. ‘On that subject, Alistair and I spoke about it for a bit. What happens after. He didn’t seem to think my idea of packing our bags as soon as I exact my revenge, then going straight home will work out quite how I anticipate.’

‘He’s right. There will be more work to do, my lady. But it won’t last forever.’

After all they had been through together, Cullen realised there was no room for any jealousy at all. He was bonded to Leaena now in a way that no one would ever comprehend, which was absolutely fine with him. To be in such concert with the woman of his dreams was an unexpected gift from Andraste herself.

‘I know. But I can dream.’ Leaena was wistful, drifting into her own thoughts for a moment before looking back at him. ‘How are the peace negotiations going?’

‘Before I launch into everything that has happened, would you like a hot drink and are you up to it?’ Cullen wanted to avoid talking about the Inquisition, certain that it would trigger her in some way. But there seemed to be no avoiding it.

‘I would love a hot drink, thank you. And I would like to know, hear how everyone is. It – it makes me forget. I need that right now.’ She started to chew on a nail as her eyes slipped towards the orange and red flames, just as he realised she had resolutely not looked at her body once since finding the scar on her arm.

_It will take time, remember? Denial comes first._

_All I can do is be there when the dam eventually breaks._

Climbing to his feet and picking up the plates, he headed into the kitchen, bringing out a mug of milk. ‘Wave,’ he instructed her, both of them laughing slightly when she gestured over the rim with an imperious look on her face. ‘Thank you.’

Reappearing a few moments later, having added some chocolate to it, Cullen handed it to her and went to sit in a chair on the opposite side.

‘Oh.’ Leaena’s face fell.

‘What’s the matter?’ Immediately he felt on edge, concern and anxiety for her never far away, even now.

‘You remember what I said earlier?’

He nodded, feeling bemused. She’d said quite a few things.

‘You’re too far away again. I mean, unless you want –‘, she stuttered, grinding to an abrupt halt as he gestured for her to sit up properly.

‘Is that better?’ It was for him – he couldn’t bear to have any distance from her at all. 

Leaena was now in a pose she’d been in for so many weeks. She was sitting upright and lying between his legs with her head on his shoulder whilst his arms rested on her chest, as they both relaxed on the sofa together.

‘I think I can cope with this, yes.’ She turned her head, starting to look drowsy. ‘This is lovely, thank you. Maker, I forgot how good this is. You, fire, you, hot chocolate, snow, you.’

Her demons were far away at the moment, even though he knew she was still not nearly recovered from awakening. There were a tumult of fierce emotions within her that were changing direction so rapidly he could barely keep up. Cullen was just trying to go with whatever direction Leaena took them in, waiting for the inevitable explosion after the calm of now.

‘I can say the same. This is all I require in life.’ He absently kissed the top of her head, as he always did when they were sat like this. The repeated, familiar patterns of behaviour were doing more than he’d anticipated in keeping his own sorrow at bay.

‘So tell me,’ she said, smothering a yawn. ‘What happened whilst I was out?’

‘That’s a tale that will take quite some time. I’ll give you the truncated version. Everyone is fine and the Inquisition is still standing.’

He left it there, not wanting to say anything that might agitate her. Whilst she had undergone some healing over their long weeks of travel – he knew from what he had sensed from her – it was nowhere near enough.

‘Cullen!’ she protested with a laugh, placing her empty mug on the ground. ‘I get what you’re trying to do. Give me something, at least.’

‘Trystan and Cassandra will head to Val Foret-.’ As soon as he spoke, Cullen could sense the downward spiral in her, her descent into her pit of nightmares so fast it took him aback.  

‘They’re going together? To Orlais – what’s happened? And my brother finally did something about it?’ Leaena was joking but he could hear her consternation, angry with herself for missing so much.

‘He did. Their ideas for the future are the polar opposite of ours, in that they actually have a plan.’ Talking about anything related with the Inquisition had been a mistake, no matter how hard he’d tried to deflect it.

Leaena simply couldn’t cope, her mind far too fragile to comprehend all that had happened and deal with all the abuse she had been subject to. Helpless to stop it, he saw her flip, her eyes clouding over as the enormity of it all swallowed her whole. Her head had sunk into her hands as she dug her nails into the sides of her face, unable to move anywhere.

‘What have I done? Everyone around me, my brothers, Varric – I owe him the world’s biggest apology – Dorian, Bull, Cole too – I remember, a paranoia so intense sometimes I couldn’t breathe, it made me dizzy. And then I don’t remember. I have huge gaps in my memory, and then I was this crazed tyrant deluded with my own power I thought I would be a god! I – like now, I couldn’t fucking control myself! How can they trust me? It’s so erratic, all over the place……’  

She broke off, realising she was making no sense. Her shoulders were shaking hard once more and she was refusing to look at him, trying to calm herself down as her heavy breaths turned into sobs.

There was only one thing she could do, which was rest. Leaena was unresponsive, grief-stricken as she relived the recent months in her mind.  

Cullen knelt before her, reaching for her hands and holding them firmly in his grasp. ‘You are not to blame, Leaena. It will be fine, I promise you.’

He continued to whisper words of endearment to his brave Inquisitor, who had been subject to far more than any mortal should. A lance of pain shot straight through his heart and through his soul to see her in such distress – the impact of all she had done whilst in the grip of red lyrium madness and fighting a demon’s thrall – only just beginning to sink in.

And this would just be the tip of the iceberg.

Lying her back down with as much care as he could muster, he covered up her trembling form with his cloak, catching hold of her hand which had reached to him in a panic when he went to move away.

‘Please – don’t leave me Cullen, never again, I can’t do it – I can’t – that night – I’m so sorry. If I had known then – it was what they planned, all along – even now she stalks me still…..’

Her face had gone white and ashen, unable to stop the words tumbling from her as her mind forced her back to Halamshiral – where everything had gone so terribly wrong.

She was staring at him with such blind fear, terrified he would disappear again before her eyes, he could do nothing but sink to his knees, kissing her hands and fingers, stroking her hair as he too remembered the sheer desolation claiming him fateful night. Her eyes changed from sapphires to stormy seas to ice as her magic began to rise, unbidden, inside of her.  

‘Leaena, you’re here now. It’s gone, they are all gone. They will never hurt you again. I won’t allow it, I promise. Nothing will hurt you again.’

Cullen was whispering back to her, saying something – anything, to try and make her feel better, to make himself feel better. His own torment, that he’d tried so hard to suppress for her sake, started to run rampantly through his blood.

The horrendous sight of her, unmoving, week after week – not to mention beaten almost beyond repair at the hands of someone he should have dealt with years ago – had left him stranded, lost in a barren landscape of futility. The crushing sense of inadequacy, of never being enough for her, so aptly highlighted by this very disaster Leaena found herself in, swarmed through, leaving him near to breaking. 

‘I failed you, my lady, this is all my fault, I should never have let you go – I should have come after you, I should have been there so much sooner and taken you away. Maker take me for a blind, stubborn fool, to let this happen to you – my love, my life, I will never let this happen again, I swear…..please, forgive me……’

The hot wet tears were his own as his fingers interlaced with hers, feeling them fall over his knuckles and trickle down his palms. All that he had been tormented with during her absence - all the black nights, where the ghosts of despair and loneliness haunted him – now, it all surged mercilessly through his veins, leaving no quarter.

He’d been left with nothing but visions of the vibrant, beautiful woman smashed into nothing as he defaced them beyond recognition in his nightmares, howls of anger and desolation accompanying each thrust through his heart. His own shortcomings had whipped him on, knowing he had no one to blame but himself that Leaena had nearly died.

‘No, no, don’t cry, please, you did everything, time and time again, you stayed so strong, you never faltered – all you have been through, still going through! I see you, just as you saw me, inside – I know what you have suffered, because of me…’

Leaena had scrambled off the sofa and was on her knees right in front of him, letting his hands go as trembling fingers wiped the dampness away. He almost couldn’t see her, he was so blinded by the relentless memories of just trying to get through every single day, not knowing whether she would live or die. He was exhausted and tired of fighting demons he couldn’t see that were intent on ending her life, questioning himself every second and wishing he had done something more.

‘There is nothing to forgive, it is me who should be begging you, you saved me – I would be mad but you were there, Cullen, I felt you, in my soul where you belong, where you live. Don’t you see? You guided me out – showed me the way – because we are one, meant to be, our souls together….because you complete me…’

Leaena’s almost incoherent words as she tried to reassure him were cut off as Cullen frantically reached for her, securing her firmly up against his upper body and crushing his lips to hers. His fingers curled into a fist in her hair as his other hand went to the small of her back, holding her so tightly she couldn’t move.

He slipped his tongue between her lips almost mindlessly, responding to nothing but a most basic need to know that she was his. The flavour of Leaena, berries and sunshine, made him groan as he thrust deeper into the hot sweetness over and again – she was there, really there, and not yet another cruel manifestation of his worst nightmares.

There was nothing gentle about the raw energy flowing between them. This was a kiss borne out of desperation and a primal instinct to claim one another back from the darkness that had all but drowned them both.

Her hands too had reached into his hair, tugging at it slightly in her own demands to have him as close as possible. She pulled his face hard against her mouth, not allowing him to pull away. He distantly felt his teeth grind against hers, heard her moaning into his mouth as her tongue stroked against his hard and fast. Her saliva was slick on his bottom lip as she alternatively nipped and licked before returning to taste him once more.

‘I’ll never leave you again, I love you, I am nothing without you…’

Leaena was gasping the words, her hands on his face as she pressed her heated lips, salty with both their tears, over every inch of his face, her hands cupping both his cheeks and her nails pushing into his skin.

‘Leaena, my love, I missed you, Maker, I missed you…why did you go….’

Cullen had run a trail of fevered kisses across her jaw and was pressing his lips along her neck, along with a bite or two that sent fire through her body. The orange blossom of her scent was drifting through his senses, robbing him of rational thought. He was murmuring, his voice rough, feeling her skin tremble in response to his ragged breaths by her ear. His hands were still in her hair, tangled and caught round his fingers.

‘You are truly here, you are so very beautiful to me, I love you, I love you…..’

It was just the two of them together – still kneeling on the rug and heedless to any physical discomfort – in an embrace so raw and passionate there was room for nothing else in their universe. They were seeking explanations in emotions laid bare, leaving them fully exposed to one another like never before. It was painful, it was bitter and it was the most exquisite torment he’d ever experienced.  

How long they both were there for, wrapped around each other as they shook with the collective force of the storm that had engulfed them both, Cullen had no idea. Leaena was living, breathing, talking, moving and it was impossible for him to release her.

‘Never again. Never leave me,’ he whispered hoarsely, his tears spent and his soul drained, his hands crushing the silken strands as he buried his head in her neck.

‘I promise. Andraste have mercy on me, I will die if I am torn away from you again.’ She was nuzzling her nose into his shoulder, pressing light kisses into the hollow of his collarbone. Her hands had slipped under his shirt to rake her nails across his back, following the line of muscles over his shoulder blades.

She was also near the point of collapse, something Cullen just about registered through his own fog of obliviousness as she gripped hold of him tightly. Slowly, they both left the storm’s wake behind them, their minds coming back to the present.

‘Lie down here, my lady.’ The warmth of the fire was inviting as they both lay down, Leaena putting her head on his shoulder and draping a leg over his, one arm still wrapped tightly around his waist.

Sending a prayer of thanks that he’d put a thick fennec fur rug on the floor, he managed to arrange the cloak over them both with one hand. He turned into her slightly, almost wanting to weep once more at the simple pleasure of hugging her.

‘I think – I think I need to close my eyes,’ she muttered into his chest, the forceful torrent of emotion that had swept through them both leaving her barely awake. ‘I swear though, I will wake up in the morning. From now on, I keep my promises.’

‘You always did. And your eyes were already closed,’ he gave a low chuckle, watching the rise and fall of her head as he started to breathe more steadily.

‘They weren’t – ok maybe, they were.’ She raised her head with the last of her energy to smile at him. ‘This – this is bliss. To be back with you again. I love you, Cullen.’

‘I love you too, Leaena. You can sleep now. I will be here.’ She had already snuggled back against him, falling asleep before her head found its spot on his shoulder once more.

Her magic told him she was in a normal, healing sleep. Even though he was beyond tired, Cullen knew it would be a while before he could rest. Too much had happened in too short a space of time for his mind to turn off.

He had been frightened she would reject him – be unable to be near any man. Fortunately, so far that didn’t seem to be the case, her magic having protected her to a certain extent. Then again, she had yet to truly confront her demons. But there was a difference this time. Cullen intended on being there every step of the way. They would talk it out and they would find a way forward.

Watching her at peace now, he was so indescribably happy to have her here – yet filled with trepidation and anguish for what she would still have to go through. The cycling of emotions was the least of it. Letting his fury have reign for a moment, he thought to the Shrine, when he’d managed to reach out to her, then again when Solas had bought her back from the Veil.

Leaena couldn’t remember, having deliberately shut her mind off. But he had borne witness and taken on the abuse inflicted on her as his own.

Cullen’s eyes darkened as the blackness flooded his vision. Retribution would not nearly be enough. When he caught up with Samson, the Red Templar would wish Corypheus had sunk his talons into him first.

 


	89. In Repair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone. I don't normally write notes apart from TWs as I don't want to interfere with your reading or how you interpret the chapter. But I thought I would give a quick update on a few things in case you are interested. 
> 
> 1) Trystan, Cassandra, Cadan and Josephine will get their own side stories, if you wondered what had happened. I love them too and I can't do it justice in this fic without taking away from Lea and Cullen's story - or their own. I often look at the word count for this work in horrified fascination, so I think it could be fun to explore the two tales separately. It will be after I finish with the Corypheus story line for these two. 
> 
> 2) There are a few NSFW scenes that may not make it into the eventual end story - I don't want to shoehorn in something just for the sake of it. But because it's Cullen and NSFW scenarios with him and Lea are such fun to explore, I will be creating separate individual standalone chapters outside of this work. 
> 
> 3) Cullen and Lea still have, much to my delight (and maybe yours, maybe not, either is fine!) three DLCs to go, two of which I have yet to play as I skipped straight to Trespasser (purely for joy of having Lea speak to Cullen, I must confess). I want to write those and already have ideas, particularly for Descent, but I can't decide how to do it - whether it will be here or as a new work. Probably the latter, but I will update at the end. As another wise author told me, I will be going with these two till I'm a grandma in my rocking chair, but I think 3 DLCs is enough for now.
> 
> 4) I am super excited because I have some pieces of art commissioned for Cullen and Lea from two fabulous artists - Gerry Arthur and Kimberly Parker. The sketches for Lea came through already and I am beyond giddy :) I'll share those and links to the artists' other work as soon as they are ready. I want to eventually also have Trystan and Cadan drawn (if my already very indulgent husband agrees) and more of Cullen - because you can never have too much of Cullen can you?
> 
> I've found looking at all the wonderful fanart of Cullen and the rest of the DA world inspirational in producing this story - so this is my shout out of thanks and gratitude to all those sharing their works with the rest of the world for nothing.
> 
> 5) A big, big thank you to all of you still following this tale. From the start, the comments, kudos and all of you reading has meant a huge amount, keeping me going with a story that has become deeply personal. You are all lovely and it is very much appreciated. Thank you once again :)
> 
> 6) And finally, a TW: mention for discussion of rape, abuse and Lea getting sweary. Oh, and NSFW.
> 
> Enjoy :)

The book sat open on her lap, the pages unturned. Lea could see the uniform lines of black script in front of her, but what they actually said she had no idea. She readjusted herself, curling up a bit more on the armchair as she tried to read words that kept drifting off the parchment.

It was all to no avail. Most of the time she’d been asleep, her body and mind needing to heal, and only able to stay awake for a few hours of the day.  And when she was awake she’d found it almost impossible to concentrate on anything since waking up out of the recurring hallucinations Corypheus had chained her mind in.

Three weeks on, it was still thoroughly disconcerting, to find herself back at Skyhold when the last memory she’d had was of steel ripping her skin apart. If the slowly fading scars all over her body hadn’t been such a visible reminder, she would have thought it all another Fade-induced delusion, easily dismissed.

If only it could be that simple.

Her fingers played absently with the corner of one page, lost in her thoughts. Some part of her was still convinced this was some sort of parallel universe her mind had transported her to. The part that was still waiting for hellish pain to penetrate her red fortress – certain that she would find herself shackled in the depths of the Shrine again, with Samson eagerly waiting for his next opportunity to degrade her further.

Day by day, it was shrinking, but it was still very much a fixture in her head, something she was finding difficult to work through. Along with the long weeks before that, fighting an invasion she hadn’t even realised had taken place.

The games Vivienne and Imshael had played, and Samson brutally reinforced had, without a doubt, left their mark. Nightmares were only prevented by drinking yet another of Solas’ concoctions, except she felt drugged the following morning. The paranoia and anxiety were only just bearable because she was still in seclusion by their lake.

Yet this time, it was different. She was different. She was not some naïve nineteen-year old eager to impress, nor a Herald with an identity issue, half-stuck in the past. Lea knew what she wanted now and would stop at nothing to reach her goal.

_They intended to break me, grind me into dust, physically and mentally._

_But they failed._

‘Did she seriously….Maker’s Breath, why do I bother!’

_And there’s the reason why._

The person responsible for thwarting every single one of their enemies’ direct attacks on the Inquisitor was currently scowling in irritation as he sat at his makeshift desk, surrounded by his usual piles of reports, requests and letters. Cullen was writing a response to a note, the louder than normal scratches from his quill giving Lea a good indication of what the reply would be.

It gave her such pleasure to covertly watch him at work, a simple act that she’d denied herself for so long. Her eyes almost greedily absorbed every detail of him, just in case he did disappear before her eyes once more.

The blind panic that thought evoked had yet to leave her, and she wondered if it ever would.

Lea might not remember much of it, but she knew she was dying in that chamber of horrors which reeked of death and misery – flogged, branded and raped just to the point where she teetered on the edge of survival. Samson had run, thinking she was about to cross the Veil where there would be no escape. Or so he thought.

Yet again, Cullen had saved her, where no one else could. He’d reached into her very essence of her being and pulled her from the brink of the abyss, then somehow stayed with her on the journey through hell her brain conjured up for her.

How, she had no idea. So much of it Lea couldn’t explain. All she knew was an intrinsic part of his being was now a part of her, something that went way beyond the connection between magic and lyrium. It was something she had started with her desperate cry for help in her last sane moment and had only become stronger in the intervening weeks.

It had been surreal, to say the least, to open her eyes and be naked with Cullen staring at her in complete shock. He had looked beautiful – there was no other way to describe it – with the perfectly sculpted muscles of his chest, shoulders and arms dripping with water and his hair slicked back, still bleached a lighter blonde from the desert sun. For a second Lea thought she had died and gone to heaven, the Veil perhaps not being such a bad place after all.

Strangely enough, she hadn’t felt self-conscious – well not then, anyway. It had felt so right, those precious moments of peace and tranquillity with this incredible man who had done so much for her in so many ways.

When – praise be to Andraste – he hadn’t been thinking and pulled off his breeches, standing there without a stich on, she had been mesmerised, fascinated by every hard, powerful line of his body. The Lea she had been before would have wasted no time in getting Cullen into bed with her. The Lea she was now had no idea how to react apart from stare at him in blatant admiration and fear that she would somehow do something wrong.

Sadly, the latter had seemed to win out. Yet again. Cullen had seen her fear and misinterpreted it, directing it at himself in his own guilt.

These first few days had been like a pendulum, swinging from one extreme to the other. The slightest thing would result in the most irrational reaction, be it giddy exhilaration that sent her dancing round the room, or the blackest depression which had her reaching for a blade, moved firmly out of her reach, to put an end to the pain.

It had stabilised – a bit – but still, there was no neutral middle ground. And she was so very tired of it all, feeling herself burning out from the energy such dramatic emotions consumed.

To say Lea was in awe of everything he’d done for her would be the understatement of the age. And that in itself had created a conflict within her. The heartfelt, almost desperate kisses they’d shared that first night, told her that there was a way out of this weirdness for them both.

Because, beyond a doubt, it was weird – just as he said. With the first flash of relief gone, Cullen had been almost afraid to touch her beyond the odd hesitant kiss and holding her as she slept. All of which she enjoyed, but left her wanting, bereft in some way of the closeness they used to share.

They both could sense the other’s frustration – but feeling something, and doing something about it were two totally separate things.

Lea couldn’t explain how, but he seemed to know more than she did about what had taken place. And he didn’t want to do anything to make it worse, believing he was a major contributor to the whole mess in the first place.

_Why does this happen to us? Every time, just as things are perfect, something comes along to fuck it up!_

She was angry with herself, wanting to reassure him, but lacking the words to do so and not sure how else to make things right between them. She hadn’t spoken yet of what happened for all those months – it was too exhausting. But the visions were reaching a boiling point where she couldn’t force them away any longer.

_Do I blurt it all out right now? Do I have a cozy chat over a cup of tea? How in the Maker’s name do you have such a conversation?_

_And for it still to be ok afterwards?_

Too many questions and zero answers. Something had to change, and soon. Lea just needed to figure out how.  

‘Is there a problem?’

She had also been banned from doing any work, which given her reaction when she’d first come around, was hardly surprising, having had little brain power to do anything constructive since.

But today for the first time, she was filled with restless energy, needing something to occupy her before her temper took over. Laying the book to one side, she pushed herself off the armchair and headed over to see what had him so annoyed.

‘Not really. Just something utterly pointless.’ Rubbing his neck, Cullen leant back, exhaling slowly in exasperation. ‘Do you truly want to know? It’s tedious beyond belief.’

‘Yes, please.’ Despite her dark thoughts, she found it impossible not to smile at him, still considering herself the most blessed woman alive even in spite of all the chaos. ‘You can’t hide me from the Inquisition forever, you know.’

‘Don’t tempt me. I would hide both of us permanently if it meant this puerile nonsense stopped landing on my desk.’ Handing her the note, he stretched and yawned, even now still tired from their trek back from the Shrine of Dumat.

She hadn’t been the only one to suffer. They all had. Cullen, Trystan, Cadan, Varric, Solas. And everyone left behind.

The urge to grab Cullen’s sword, jump on his horse and not stop till she found Corypheus and Samson, feeding them pieces of their own flesh until they choked to death, was overwhelming. With an effort Lea put that particular scenario back in its box, along with all the others she had, and started to read.

She felt confused then started laughing as she reached the end. ‘Well, as your Inquisitor, I forbid you to fall on your sword. And she called you a prat? I didn’t realise we were all back being apprentices once again.’

‘Why the wretched woman thinks the Inquisition of all people should get involved in her petty squabbles is beyond me. As if I haven’t got enough to do, without chasing around after talentless minstrels who have yet to grow up.’ He took the note back from her, reaching for some wax to seal it.

‘Before you frogmarch Maryden out of Skyhold, why not let Josephine handle it? There may be a resolution to this still.’ Her smile faded as she was forcibly reminded of the implications of her behaviour these last few months. ‘There’s enough damage to the Inquisition’s reputation as it is. Even something as small as a rumour could spiral beyond our control.’

‘Some of your statement I agree with.’ Cullen scribbled something further on the note before sealing it, tossing it onto the pile of mail that would head up to Skyhold later that day. ‘Yes, Josephine can deal with this far better than me, yes rumours beget trouble – but no, our reputation is not as tarnished as you believe.’

Lea didn’t reply, breathing in and out slowly as she forced her panic to one side. He looked up at her sharply, immediately aware of what had triggered such a reaction. ‘I shouldn’t have bothered you in such a minor matter. I’m sorry.’

Just the slightest touch from Cullen had her skin tingling with awareness, starting from the tips of her fingers and migrating slowly up her forearms. It was far nicer for her to concentrate on the feel of his hands enclosing hers than the impending doom her mind insisted was awaiting her still. His palms were warm and dry, the rough patches scratching her skin slightly as his thumbs gently massaged the insides of her wrists.

‘It’s alright.’ She tried to smile at him before giving up, seeing that her attempt to assure him she was fine hadn’t worked in the slightest. ‘Honestly. I didn’t mean to interrupt.’

‘Leaena, I was about to go through patrol reports of the Fallow Mire, where no one goes unless they want to die of the plague. It’s about as exciting as watching paint dry – because no one wants to die of the plague.’

He seemed pleased to have coaxed from her a small laugh, still letting her draw on his strength to get her mind away from the anxiety attack that had come out of nowhere.

‘It’s a nice day. Do you feel up to a short walk?’ He knew what her answer would be even before she replied with an enthusiastic nod.

‘If I didn’t go with you, then you wouldn’t go at all,’ she replied jokingly, secretly thrilled that Cullen hadn’t wanted to be away from her.

He had done a masterful job of suppressing just about every feeling remotely relating to desire since that first night. It had made her wonder, with the amount of scars now making a lattice across her skin, whether he would still find her attractive.

She also wondered exactly how the scars had ended up there in the first place and decided she didn’t care. She was alive, with Cullen, and that was all that mattered. By some miracle, her face had healed relatively unscathed, aside from one silvery line running along the left side of her jaw and some faint lines on her cheekbones only noticeable in bright light.

The same, however, could not be said for her body. It didn’t matter that Solas had promised the majority would disappear. They were still there, glaring at her, a direct reminder of what she had been subjected to. And they were grotesque – some were huge lumps of tissue sticking out over her fair skin which made it even more obvious. Her breasts were the worst by far.

_Fangs almost. A mouth, smirks at me, blood drips from lips and teeth and down his chin. Sinking slowly through…._

She shook her head, pushing the memory away.

Lea had never felt more unattractive and lacking in confidence.

She had spent her whole life ignoring her beauty, using it where she’d needed to get her own way. She even hated it at times for the unwanted attention it drew to her, both positive and negative. Now she needed it, it had gone. There was only one person she wanted to desire her and now Lea didn’t know if he would any more.

All in all, she felt pretty hideous about herself. Ugly welts all over her body, a figure resembling a twig, and no way to know how often her body had been violated. Perhaps that would put him off too.

_How can he look at me the same way again? With every mark a reminder?_

She simply didn’t know how to express herself to the man she loved any more. 

‘Does shaking your head mean you are trying to let me down gently, my lady?’ The warm toffee and whiskey voice, the one she had managed to replace the darkspawn clamour for when they became too much, cut easily through her fog of insecurity.

‘Not at all. The sun is shining for once and I – I could use some exercise. It might help.’

_Is it any surprise he doesn’t know what to do? It’s like trying to grab hold of an out of control firework._

Cullen’s amber gold eyes regarded Lea steadily, knowing full well she was hiding something but deciding to let it slide. His own uncertainty about how to handle the situation was evident, not knowing what to tell her or even when to talk, full stop.

Sometimes he’d said things completely unaware of their impact. On a few occasions it had resulted in Lea prostate in a tight ball on the floor, hysterical and unable to move a muscle because of the reaction he’d provoked totally by accident.

Not today, though. Not because she wasn’t awash with confusion, but she had to get out and do a boring, normal activity. Normal was good and made her feel like Lea for a brief period.

‘Come on.’ His hands were still warm around hers as she took one, leading him to the front door where their cloaks were hanging up. ‘I know I’ve put some weight on but I need to start getting fit sooner rather than later. Walking is a good start.’

‘So long as you wrap up warmly, Leaena. I know you hate it but, tough.’ Before she could protest, Cullen plonked on a thick woollen hat onto her head and then picked up a scarf, winding it round her neck.

_And then small things like this make me want to cry, because he does care._

_I know he does. So why is this so hard?_

Words had left her for a moment as she stood still, letting gentle hands position the hat on her head, followed by fingers just grazing her chin and neck, even that minimal touch being enough to make her skin tingle and sparks shoot through her belly.

He hadn’t even realised, such small caring gestures being second nature, just like earlier with her moment of panic. Or at least they had been, before he got scared to touch her.

‘That’s better. The hood of your cloak is not enough.’ He looked at her, a flash of something close to longing appearing before it vanished. Taking a step back from her, his uncertainty and confusion hit Lea in one go.

‘Thank you.’ She turned quickly away before she shed more useless tears, grabbing her boots and unthinkingly pulling one on.

Hopping around on one leg was not ideal, particularly not when he started to laugh at her, the awkwardness momentarily forgotten. Strong hands wrapped around her upper arms, preventing her from tumbling to the floor in an imbalanced heap.

‘Why do you have to do it that way instead of leaning against a wall like the rest of the world would? You have a habit of making things interesting for yourself, Inquisitor.’ Cullen’s grin was infectious, as Lea started to laugh as well.

‘I do, don’t I? Thank you for catching me in time.’ With great reluctance Lea felt his arms fall to his sides, only to start smiling once more as he kneeled down before her, helping her get the offending boot on.

She fell quiet once more, stuck in a thoroughly unsatisfying world combining delirious pleasure that he was just touching her again, and frightened of doing anything that would put him off. Her mood was, slowly but surely, starting to deteriorate.

What she had been put through on Samson’s orders bore no relation to how she felt about him. But she had no idea how to convince him. Nor to assuage her own remorse.

It was like being back at Griffon Wing Keep, after Vivienne’s machinations had led to them all but killing each other in the dusty desert. Even then though, he hadn’t been wary of her. Not like this. Just to feel the heat of his palm on her calf right now as he worked her other boot on was causing Lea turmoil on a scale so grand she almost abandoned the whole enterprise to get back into bed and sleep.

‘There you go, my lady. Ready?’ Before she had a chance to change her mind, Cullen was holding the door open for her, his letters in his other hand.

She nodded and stepped outside into the crisp winter’s afternoon, admiring the view in front of her as she always did. Wistfully, she remembered back to that first night, when they had camped out and made love for the first time. If she had known then what she knew now, she would never have gone back to Skyhold.

Wrapping her arms around herself, she silently walked next to Cullen as they headed to the drop off point for the courier. New snow had fallen that morning, their boots crunching loudly as the sun turned everything around them a brilliant white. He’d established some way of staying in touch with everyone that didn’t involve him leaving her. When she had tried to persuade him to attend some meetings he’d flatly refused, declaring that if they’d lasted this long without him, they could last a while longer.

It couldn’t go on forever, though. Lea wanted to re-enter the real world again, with Cullen right next to her. Somewhere along the way, she’d developed a fighting spirit that had been missing in the past. She was fed up of being treated as the abused, the pitiful one who everyone had to tread around. She was going to make….

‘Leaena? What in the Maker’s name is wrong?’

Cullen’s alarmed voice broke through her anger just as she realised both her hands were on fire, one green and one blue.  

‘Oh. Sorry. I was thinking.’ Hastily, Lea bought her magic back under control.

 ‘I can tell.’ He paused, deliberating what to say further, not wanting to upset her and then decided not to say anything at all.

She couldn’t remember feeling so angry – probably not since she’d seen one of Vivienne’s ice bolts hurl Cullen against a wall in the Winter Palace.

They carried on walking, Lea thinking back on the last two weeks as she watched her breath make little puffy clouds in front of her face. It had been like this – a normal conversation then grinding to a halt because one person was terrified of doing something to hurt the other. Was this the kind of life she wanted? To let them win? Because if she couldn’t figure this out, then Samson may as well have just slit her throat and been done with it back at the Shrine.

Reaching the spot a few minutes later, Cullen put his letters in the box before turning to face her. She could feel his consternation and sadness that he couldn’t seem to get things right.

That he felt responsible for all that had befallen her was the last straw.

‘It’s not you!’ she blurted out suddenly, rage taking over. ‘Stop thinking that! I hate that you blame yourself!’

Lea liked being in a temper. It was better than feeling scared. It made her feel less confused, less useless and made her feel alive. She didn’t care that she was standing in the middle of a path where anyone could come and hear her. There was never going to be a good time to have the discussion they needed to have and she wanted to have it now. 

‘None of this is your fault, Cullen! The only way you could have prevented it was finishing the job Vivienne started by sticking a fucking lyrium brand to my head to stop me going in the Fade! Is that what you wanted?’ 

Her voice was rising, trying to get him to understand, wanting for this thoroughly decent and honourable man to stop being so honourable - at least to lose the millstone of guilt the Chantry deemed necessary to inflict on its Templars.

‘No,’ he replied quietly. ‘It isn’t.’ Cullen didn’t say anything further, keeping his face neutral.

Lea almost didn’t hear him, the memories of the last few months right before her eyes as she continued shouting. Mainly at herself.

‘It was my fault! I found the red lyrium! I had a fucking huge shard – I found the purest fucking shard of fucking red lyrium I could and tried to fuse it to my body!’ She held up her right hand. ‘It was bigger than my hand, and the thing was fucking sharp! I had it clutched in my hand the whole time I rode up to the Shrine, skin cut right down to the bone. I loved the feel of the pain, the pouring of blood all over my fingers and my clothes. It was our salvation.’

‘I was going to kill Samson with it. The voices had told me that was the only way. I was going to kill Samson and take his place. The Red Templars were mine, promised to me. The Inquisition forces were already mine too. The world, Thedas, it was going to be mine. Ours. My nightmare becoming real, my Commander, becoming a Red Templar too, ruling over them with me. It was the only way I could think of to keep you safe, to turn the tables against them.’

Her voice lowered now, becoming quieter in her fury. Cullen hadn’t moved, just watching her and waiting for her to continue. Lea couldn’t have stopped now anyway, her silence over her months of madness now pouring from her in an unstoppable torrent.

‘It promised, the voices promised. Not only would I have an army fuelled by the power of red lyrium, I had a whole darkspawn horde at my command. I could hear them, I could hear the Calling, the hive mind. They spoke to me, all the time, begging for me to join them, to help them with their quest. They communicate through the Taint, just like Corypheus. He was controlling me almost the same way he did the Grey Wardens. Because I had been near red lyrium for too long.’

‘It was him. All along. He was in my fucking mind, telling me Samson was weak and I needed to take his place. Two mages together, bringing order to the universe. Seductive promises indeed.’

Lea gave a bitter laugh, still remembering the long conversations she and the magister had had.

‘He didn’t reckon on my hate, though. I was going to kill Samson, then I was going to go and kill him. I was going to be the god, and he would not have stopped me. Red lyrium makes you stronger beyond your wildest imaginings. It is intoxicating, the level of power you have. I didn’t think for one minute Corypheus was serious. He just needed me to be bought to heel. And what better way to ruin the Inquisition by turning the Inquisitor mad?’

Tears of anger and regret were pouring down her face now as she found herself back in the deranged state of mind she’d been forced to live with for so long. She distantly sensed that Cullen had been waiting for her to get so infuriated, but it disappeared in her wrath, the likes of which she had never known before.

‘Months! The fucker had my mind chained for months! Playing on every single fear I had and blowing it all out of proportion! Rifling through my head, all my memories and twisting them against me! Rape my body? He raped my mind too! That’s a million times fucking worse! He’s the reason I left you in the Winter Palace, he’s the reason I abandoned my friends and my brothers - and he’s the reason I thought it was such a fucking marvellous idea to ride all the way up to the Shrine of Dumat and waltz in to kill Samson myself! You know what the scary thing is, Cullen?’

Somewhere during her ranting she had stormed off, heading back down to the cabin. Or so she presumed. Truth be told, Lea could have walked into the lake and not noticed. She just needed to move. 

‘You nearly beat him.’ Cullen’s accurate assessment made her stop in her tracks.

‘How do you know? You weren’t there!’ she demanded, knowing she sounded unreasonable but not feeling particularly considerate at that point in time.

‘Because you are already powerful in your own right. When you add red lyrium to that – well, it’s logical, Leaena. Samson is past his prime, surviving only because of his addiction to a substance that avoided altering his mind. You aren’t. Red lyrium must have thrived in your body.’ He was so matter of fact about things, it nearly took Lea’s anger away in her surprise at the backhanded compliment.

‘I nearly did. You know what it does? It regenerates you. You saw my right hand, wondered why it was scar free. Because the bloody stuff makes you grow back at such an alarming rate – fuck armour, the only way to kill Samson is to cut his head off his shoulders and put the scraggly thing on a pike. I had my shard, I let the bastard paw at me and I cut his throat right to the bone of his spine. And it just healed, before my eyes.’

This time she’d shocked him with her ravings, Lea not missing the surge of rage that went through him when she’d mentioned Samson’s hands on her body.

The snow stuck to her boots as she kicked it, trying to keep walking until she noticed she was on the lake shore once more. She didn’t care. It was all leaving her, like a torrent of toxicity she couldn’t control.

‘The shard – I wanted it to become part of my body. The voices told me how to do it. I came that close to being gone from the world forever, Cullen. I cut my hand apart on purpose, so the crystals could merge with me. But….it shattered. Something rejected it. I don’t know what. But that’s when he defeated me. I was seconds away from becoming something close to Corypheus – another darkspawn, red lyrium terror let loose on Thedas.’

Her face was buried in her hands, her whole body shaking as she tried to breathe. Because there was more.

‘I did it for you. I wanted to protect you. Corypheus and Imshael took one of my deepest desires – to never be apart from you – and played me like a fucking lute. The Inquisitor and her Commander. Together forever, bonded by red lyrium. I was so fucking insane. I nearly destroyed the world. I had moments where I knew it was madness, flashes of lucidity and I would call for you. I thought I could feel you, even, sometimes. It – I couldn’t control my body, I had too much magic within me. I had to stop, to get rid of it, make myself come. I felt disgusted with myself, but it was – I couldn’t…but the whole time – Samson was making me – making me – he was watching me….then he caught me then I – I…..’

Fists, steel, teeth, red, everywhere red, sometimes with her own blood spurting in her face. Lea stared up at the blue sky, turning her face to the sunshine to banish the visions searing through her brain, as she swallowed down bile that had arisen at each shaming memory.

‘I will not let them defeat me. If I give into this, wallowing around in self-pity, then I lose. I play to win, always – I am not in the habit of losing anything. I have to acknowledge this somehow, move past it.’

Standing with his arms folded, Cullen had been watching her, letting her spew out all the venom inside of her. There was no judgement or pity from him, just understanding. And something else.

‘How do you know? I don’t understand.’ Somehow, he already knew what she’d been going to say.

It was giving Lea a headache. She rubbed fists into her eyes, trying to make it go away, relieved she’d stopped crying at least.

‘I saw, Leaena. I saw it all. I can’t explain it.’ He sighed, coming to stand next to her at the edge of the lake. ‘It’s not self-pity. And you won’t like me saying this, but it is not your fault. And I will keep telling you that until you accept it. Because you won’t be able to move on until you do.’

Lea stared at him in astonishment mixed with more than a bit of horror, only able to concentrate on one thing at a time. ‘What do you mean, you saw?’

‘Just that. When I found you. What they –.’ He stopped, clearly struggling just as much as she was. ‘Solas and I spoke about our connection. He said I might have to push it farther than ever before. When we were surrounded by a building that was falling down round our ears, knowing you were dying – well that gave me all the motivation I needed. And I found your magic – and I found you. Where you’d retreated. And I saw what you had been hiding from.’

He hesitantly reached for her hand, holding it tight. Warmth crept into her heart, replacing the chill that had been there. Cullen’ eyes held hers, not letting her look away.

‘I know, perhaps better than you do, what happened. You protected yourself well, Leaena. Solas doesn’t know if you will ever remember. And for that I am profoundly grateful. We just need to deal with the aftermath, which is this, happening right now.’

‘You’ve been waiting for this, haven’t you? For me to talk? What happened?’ She didn’t mean to sound accusing, but it certainly didn’t help with all her uncertainties.

‘Yes I have, and don’t ask me that again. Please.’ She had never sensed Cullen in as black a fury as he was now, not at Erimond, not at Vivienne, no one.

The very first time she’d mentioned what Corypheus’ general had done to her, back in Ostwick, the same thing happened. She saw once more the ruthless Templar who would stop at nothing to hunt down and kill his intended target.

Lea had never been frightened of him and she wasn’t now. That didn’t mean she couldn’t recognise how dangerous he was if provoked. He hadn’t earned his reputation as Kirkwall’s severe and unforgiving Knight-Commander for no reason, after all. Samson, for all his red lyrium powers, would struggle to defeat Cullen should they ever meet. It was a scenario Lea had every intention of avoiding at all costs.

‘If you want to talk about what you do remember, then I will always listen.’ He had managed to soften his tone somewhat as he bought his temper under control once more.  

‘Very well. Teeth,’ she replied without thinking, the words coming out of her so fast she was stumbling over them. ‘Blood and teeth. Not just Samson. Mine. Every time he came close enough I bit him hard. I remember spitting skin on the floor. That’s gross I know. But it was my only defence. So he retaliated. But I – if I just let them do what they wanted, I would lose myself completely.’

‘There were knives. They carved into me like a side of beef with the precision of a butcher. I was on a rack – I remember that too, getting stretched in every conceivable direction, hearing the snap of bone as it cracked. And the red lyrium from his armour burned my skin. And a lot of steel. They – ‘.

Lea ground to a halt, sinking to her knees and starting to make a line of snowballs, the damp iciness seeping through her gloves as the wool started to stick together. She felt sick. Distraction helped. If she didn’t speak now then it might never happen. If it didn’t happen then it would be horrendous forever and she and Cullen could never move on.

‘The gauntlets – the fingers were down there. On me. Inside me. It fucking hurt. Samson liked to see that. It happened a few times before I could get my barrier up in my mind. I know they raped me, Cullen. More than once. You don’t have to hide that knowledge. I don’t remember it happening, though. And I don’t know whether it was Samson or one of the other Red Templars. I just know Samson wanted to defile and humiliate me as much as possible.’

Lea had finally managed to say it. And she promptly threw up.

‘Shit! Leaena, I’m so sorry….’

Her hands were sunk into the snow as she continued to retch and vomit, each one an attempt by her body to purge the evil that she’d been subject to for so long. She was trembling violently and involuntary tears were flowing as her body continued to reject all the poison she had carried in her mind for so long.

‘So fucking….fed up of….crying…’ she choked out, spitting on the ground, in a vain attempt to stop the nausea from returning.

This wasn’t improving her self-confidence at all, to be throwing up and having saliva drooling out of her mouth. It was making her angrier.

Seemingly unperturbed, Cullen had knelt down beside her, holding back her hair and laying a hand on her back. ‘It will pass, my lady. You – you do what you need to, to feel better.’

After a few more minutes of silence aside from Lea’s coughing, she decided the worst had passed.

‘Here.’ Cullen helped her to her feet and passed her his handkerchief. ‘How are you feeling?’

She grimaced, wiping her mouth clean. ‘Rough. But I’ll survive.’ Lea glared at the frozen water, wanting to look anywhere but at him. ‘Thank you for just now. You didn’t have to.’

‘Leaena, I looked after you for weeks on end when you couldn’t do a thing for yourself. Not only that, I’m a soldier. I’ve seen far worse on the training ground. Do you think a bit of vomit is going to bother me?’

‘It’s hardly the look I’m going for. Not when things are, quite frankly, awkward beyond belief between us.’

_Such progress, tackling three unbelievably challenging topics in one day._

_Next I might even attempt leading an Inquisition once more._

Lately, her cynicism knew no bounds.

‘One moment I am enjoying being close to you, waking up with your arms wrapped round me, and then I feel like I’m some kind of super venomous snake you need to keep at arms distance. Damn it!’ Lea broke off, finding it hard to get her point across. ‘That sounds like I’m blaming you. I’m not. It is me. I know I have behaved so strangely for months. I can’t expect you to just miraculously turn around and pretend nothing has happened. I hurt you. Badly. And I don’t know how to make it right.’

‘Can I make a suggestion?’ His voice was mild and his expression still impassive as he looked away over the picturesque wintery landscape. ‘Why don’t we continue this somewhere more comfortable? If you don’t mind being indoors once more. This is a conversation we need to have. But it will take time.’

‘Why not?’ She shrugged as they headed back inside. He was right, after all. Her raging at the skies didn’t really solve a thing.

‘I shall sort out some drinks. Don’t argue, Leaena, I know you are tired.’ Cullen waved her over to her chair as he put both sets of boots by the fire to dry.

Once she’d pulled off all her heavy outdoor clothes, Lea went and sank into the armchair. She still felt angry but the need to stamp her feet and curse at it all had passed. And, for all her tantrums, nothing had changed. Cullen had hardly said a thing.

She didn’t care that he wouldn’t tell her what happened, believing it was better she didn’t ever find out. It was the reason she had shut herself off in the first place. But that he had somehow witnessed it all, and was acting so oddly around her – that was the real problem she had.

‘Here you go.’ He interrupted her unhelpful musings, passing her a drink before seating himself opposite her.

The fire was merrily roaring and throwing out its warmth to them both as they sat and looked at each other in silence. Every minute seemed to stretch out for an age as the orange-gold light of the flames caught his eyes, turning them darker as he continued to watch her every movement. All she sensed from him was a pain so deep, it was tearing her to pieces to know she’d been the cause.

Just as Lea couldn’t deal with it any more, Cullen started to speak.

‘You did hurt me. More than I believed possible. The night you left me standing there alone, I wanted to die. I had no idea anything could hurt so much. There was no point living, if you didn’t want to be with me any longer.’

Lea felt her stomach contract in agony, wanting to shrivel up on her chair or run away. So long as she could escape. He had been through enough in his life and all she seemed to do was make it worse. She couldn’t move though. The very least she could do was listen – she owed him that.

And it wasn’t over.

‘I didn’t understand anything. Nothing made sense. We were so right for each other and yet you threw it all away over a flimsy excuse which you knew was complete bullshit. At that moment, I knew you loved me – you said so and I believed it. But when I could no longer feel your emotions, I started to doubt that any of it was real, that the whole time you had been doing nothing but playing a game.’

Cullen’s eyes never wavered as he spoke, meaning she couldn’t look away from the anguish that was written there for her to see. His voice was quiet and even, but each word was like a nail hammering harder into her heart.  

‘My withdrawal symptoms got so bad so fast, I wondered if there was any truth to what you’d said. I don’t remember making it back to Skyhold. During the day, I would see your ghost everywhere, visions of what could have been in a Thedas with no red lyrium – of you and I, together forever.'

Lea’s hands were having cramps, she was clutching hold of her mug so hard. It was the only outward sign she gave of the torture it was to hear and feel the depths of his torment. If Samson’s end goal had been to destroy the two of them, as she suspected, it had nearly succeeded.

_He could have raped me a thousand times over and turned every bone in my body to pulp and I would have preferred it to this._

_Because nothing hurts as much than knowing Cullen is hurting too._

This time, Cullen couldn’t hide the devastation and loss her abrupt departure had caused. She felt the memory of his heart literally breaking to watch her disappear in a cloud of black silk, all his hopes and dreams for the future had smashed into jagged pieces, ripping his soul into shreds as he fell apart inside.

‘Every time I slept, I was tormented by my demon from Kinloch Hold, delivering nightmare after nightmare that forced me to make a choice. A choice I have only ever contemplated in my darkest dreams, never imagining how close it would come to becoming reality. I could keep you and end the world, or kill the abomination you had become and stop the madness.’

He paused, his eyes darkening further, almost bronze now with the intensity of his gaze. ‘Do you know what my choice was?’

‘No,’ she whispered softly, scared of the answer either way.

‘I could never kill you, Leaena, no matter what you turned into. Maker save my worthless soul, I would rather see the universe destroyed and me with it than not have a part of you there somehow.’

She swallowed, managing to stay silent although she recoiled in horror at the lengths the combined terrors of Kinloch Hold and lyrium withdrawal had forced him to. Cullen needed to talk, to free himself from the months of despair and misery he had been put through. And there was yet more heartache for her with his next words.

‘I contemplated taking lyrium. So often. I would sit there, for hours it felt like, staring at the blue vials. There seemed no point to it any more, trying to free one part of myself when all of me would forever be bound to you, no matter how much it was unwanted. I could barely function some days because I’d stopped sleeping. It would relieve one major source of agony at least, that was how I saw it. The only thing that stopped me was remembering your last words as you left. In my desperation to believe you still cared I clung onto them – why would you say it if you didn’t mean it?’

‘Then, just as I was heading back to my quarters to take a vial, a letter arrived. Your first one. My heart nearly exploded as I opened it. Thanks be to Andraste I was on my own because my tremors were too obvious to disguise. At first, I was desolate. It was so cold, so impersonal – you truly meant every word. But at the bottom were those words pretty much ordering me not to give up. And that’s when it all started to fall into place.’

‘Cullen…’ Lea couldn’t stay silent any longer, her whole being crying out to go and do something, anything to make this all go away.

‘No – wait.’ He held up a hand to stop her. ‘I wasn’t going to tell you any of this, because I didn’t want to upset you anymore. You have been through too much. But – I need to be upfront, just as you were. I’m not protecting you if I am being dishonest with you in any way.’

She sat back, watching him quietly once more and letting him explain. Cullen detailing his internal battle whilst she had been away was one of the hardest things she’d ever had to hear – but it was necessary.  

‘Deep down, I knew it wasn’t you. When I realised that, it all fell into place, what had happened. I have had demons in my mind. I know what they are capable of. And now, here we are. Despite everything, we made it.’

Cullen stopped talking for a minute as he took a mouthful of drink, clearly wanting to say something further but not sure how to go about it. She had in the meantime, managed to release her ironclad hold on her mug, switching from cramped fingers to almost making her lip bleed as she chewed hard to keep herself quiet.

‘I will not tell you what I know, not now, not ever. I think you are better off not being made aware of what your body was subjected to. Just hearing you talk about what you do recall – I want to go out and kill Samson right now. After I’ve put him through a whole world of agony he can’t even begin to dream of. I am hesitant with you. Because I am aware you were raped, I don’t know what the boundaries are any more. I don’t know what you want. I – I’m scared of hurting you in some way, of triggering a memory that then opens the floodgates.’

The trepidation in Cullen dissolved Lea’s fear and anger away to nothing, She wasn’t sure where that left her, asides from wanting things back the way they were. No more distance, no more awkwardness.

‘I won’t be a victim, Cullen and I won’t be treated like one. That part of my life is done. I’ve cried countless rivers of tears over this shit and I’m over it. If I let it affect me, impact on my behaviour even more, then we will fail. Not just us. Everything. And I won’t be that person hiding in my own shadow ever again.’

She was determined on that point at least. But it didn’t address the real problem. She loved him, missed him, and wanted him back.

Of course, in the end it was that simple. It always was.

‘It’s like I said to you on the first evening. I need you to be you. I know that’s easier said than done. Honestly though? I think that the worst has passed. I feel different today. More resolute. It isn’t going to be an overnight change, for either of us – this is a long path to recovery. I am better, though. Certainly better enough to want to be – normal. With you and everyone else. Because I – I don’t know….’ She exhaled slowly, feeling more and more uncertain of herself.

‘What don’t you know? I know it has been impossible, but you can still tell me anything.’ His heartfelt response nearly had Lea jumping off her chair and into his arms, begging for forgiveness.

‘The rape, the torture – it doesn’t affect you and me, what we have. They are separate things. Particularly when I don’t remember much anyway. It’s a state of ignorance I’m happy to remain in for the rest of my life. I am just sorry you had to experience it all – I hate it actually. Yet at the same time, I – it will be easier to deal with if I have you.’

‘You do have me. I know I could have handled things differently, but you never lost me, Leaena. Not for a minute. You know that. Don’t you?’ An anxious frown had appeared on Cullen’s face, worried he had done something more to upset her. 

‘How can you – these scars – knowing what you know. Every time you see me, they are there. If you – I feel horrible. Unattractive.’ The top of her mug right then became the most interesting thing in the room as she stared at it, refusing to meet his eyes.

Her face was afire as she continued to stammer in her embarrassment and shame. ‘I – it feels like you don’t want me any more. And I – I feel wrong for wanting you.’

‘Maker save me….’

All of a sudden her fingers were being prised off her mug which was set on the floor. One hand was wrapped around hers whilst she felt warm fingers lift up her chin away from her chest.

‘Do you know what I thought when we rescued you? What I thought for all those long weeks whilst your mind was recovering? What I thought when you first woke up? And what I have thought every moment of every day that has gone since?’ Amber-gold eyes looked at her intently as she shook her head.

_It isn’t fair that you look so good. How am I supposed to concentrate on anything else?_

‘Leaena Trevelyan, you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. That is what I thought then and that is what I think now. These –‘, he stroked one finger softly along the silver line on her jaw, making her tremble as heat bubbled up inside her – ‘they don’t detract from just how lovely you are. They show me what you endured, to come back to me.’

Lea didn’t move, absorbed in a world of remembered bliss. The finger that had been trailing over her jaw had found its way to run across her lips before running down her chin and down her neck, along the line of another, thicker and more noticeable scar.

‘I would rather you never have suffered at all. I would take each one on for you if I could, and from now on I will.’ The finger had travelled across her collarbone and stopped its journey, only to rapidly undo the first few buttons on her blouse.

‘I felt you. Inside me, with me,’ she somehow stumbled out, more and more distracted by the raw energy flowing between them both. ‘In my head, during my nightmares to get out. It was when I found you – the link was cut to Corypheus and I got my mind back. You look all blue, like liquid cobalt.’

Lea, convinced she had just spoken a pile of nonsense in her happiness to have Cullen’s hands on her body once more was completely taken aback by his reply.

‘Yours is the colour of sapphires. Like your eyes. And they sparkle like your eyes do – right now in fact.’ His right hand had opened her blouse and warm fingers were now tracing over the cut and bite marks that were still visible. ‘Leaena – would you mind if I carried you to the bed? I – missed just being able to touch you.’

‘Um. Yes please.’ Hoping she didn’t sound overly eager, she slipped her arms around his neck.

The smell of his woody citrus scent as she settled her head against his neck had nearly sent her own senses into overdrive, just like it had done every time he’d come near enough. But this time it was different. One by one, the walls remaining from her crimson fortress were being dismantled.

With the greatest of care, Cullen laid her down and came to lie next to her, propped up on one elbow. Lea felt inexplicably nervous, something she knew he did too. It was as if they were starting over once more, getting to know each other again.

The hand that had been busy unbuttoning her blouse a moment before had continued to do so as he gave her a smile that made her blush in its loving tenderness, the top of her head right down to the tips of her toes tingling with the strength of her desire for him.  

‘Is this alright?’ he asked with a slight hitch in his voice. ‘I don’t want –‘.

_There is only one thing to do._

Perhaps if she showed him, it would be better than words. She reached up and pulled his lips to hers, letting her tongue slide languidly into his mouth, sighing in pleasure as the fresh citrus taste of him aroused her senses further, letting her nails slowly glide down the sides of his face.

It seemed to have the desired effect, for her certainly, as her whole body exploded with heat, all her insecurities momentarily forgotten. As the kiss deepened and one hand slid round to run through the hair at the back of his head, Lea felt his hand slip back inside her blouse and the warm hand slide over her chest and up over her neck. It added even more fuel to the fire, flames licking slowly up from her lower stomach and reaching right up to her chest.

‘I’ll take that as a yes then,’ Cullen laughed softly as he lifted his head up to let his hand push off the sleeves of her blouse.

‘I think you can.’ She was smiling, slightly in disbelief that this was actually happening, whilst one of her fingers was tracing a line around his lips. ‘I have long run out of words to describe how handsome you are but I feel I have to tell you at the risk of being boringly repetitive. It’s been so long….’

‘The day we went to the Winter Palace is engraved on my memory forever. But – not just for bad reasons. You looked stunning that night, just like a princess. You also looked just as delectable sweaty and hungover on the training ground, not to mention leaning up against a tree.’ He grinned at her as she felt her cheeks go red, secretly delighting in having the Cullen she knew restored to her once more.

Without realising it, Lea was sitting upright in just her brassiere that was also in the middle of coming off. Her mood of sensual anticipation was cut short as she caught sight of the amount of scarring on each breast. Automatically, she hunched over and crossed her arms, trying to hide her disfigured body.

It lasted all of a second.

‘Leaena. Don’t you trust me?’ His hands were round her wrists, easing her arms down to her sides. ‘Look at me. Not something that is distorted only in your mind.’

Her eyes rose slowly as he kissed her once more, not giving her a chance to look down as he laid her flat again, letting his hand run slowly over each breast. Her world of delightful sensation had returned at the lightning that seemed to spark every time his palm smoothed over her skin, her nipples immediately hardening as he gently teased each one.

‘Of course I do. This is….like the lake,’ she stuttered as his heated kisses on her neck made her flames burn hotter, just as she finally managed to get one of her hands underneath his shirt. ‘How do I have almost nothing on and you’re fully dressed?’

‘Because I’m strategic and organised. That’s why I’m your Commander.’ Cullen gave her a mischievous smile as she started to laugh.

_Every time I think there’s no way I could love you more, there you go again. More love._

_'_ Well that’s a timely reminder. Seeing as I am your Inquisitor, last time I checked, I order you to take your top off.’ She knew exactly what he was doing, trying to make her more relaxed and comfortable, and it was working to perfection. ‘I do hope this isn’t the way you demonstrate your leadership abilities to the rest of the Inquisition.’

‘It’s something I save for one member in particular.’

Her mouth then dried at that point, leaving her speechless as Cullen and his semi-naked body lay back down next to her. His skin was up against hers, radiating warmth. As her hand reverently ran over his chest and her finger circled a nipple, she felt him shake slightly from her touch, watching the darker hairs on his forearm rise in response.

‘Not only do I think you are the most beautiful woman in the world, Leaena, I also think you are the most desirable. There is nothing that will change that. Ever.’ He proceeded to carry on with his trail of fire right where he’d left off, his mouth now arriving at her mutilated breasts.

When she looked at them, they looked about normal, if a bit deflated from her weight loss. But when she felt them that was when the horror kicked in. Not now, though. All she felt was lust coursing through her from each kiss, her back arching as she moaned her pleasure when one nipple was in his mouth. His tongue alternately flicking and circling, trying not to dig her fingers into his head too hard.

He moved onto the other nipple, Lea’s breath coming faster as she felt the same lazy tongue strokes working their way around the sensitive skin. The memory of one mouth with a set of brutal and bloody teeth was completely obliterated by a hot and seductive mouth focussed on nothing but bringing her the utmost pleasure.

Lea’s tummy went concave as Cullen ran the tip of his tongue from her breast down to her belly button, leaving her clenching her fists at the exquisite torment. As his tongue went lower, past her navel and streaked along her lower abdomen, she remembered now how easily he set her whole body aflame from the lightest of gestures.

He was between her legs now, having come back up her body quickly to drop a kiss on her lips. The feel of his chest and stomach pressed up against her, the hairs on his chest and stomach tickling her skin, the weight of his body on top of her – if she hadn’t been so absorbed in their fevered kiss, her nails dragging down his back making him inhale sharply, she would have cried just from the sheer delight of having him back again.

He looked up at her, breathing raggedly, cupping her face in his hands and stroking his thumbs slowly across her cheeks. ‘I – do you want –‘.

_Really? Do I want? You beautiful man._

‘Oh, I most definitely want,’ she replied with a small, shaky laugh. ‘Don’t you dare stop now.’

Her heart was beating so rapidly she thought it would jump out of her chest, the tension in her belly now rippling constantly across her whole body, making it hard for her to breathe. She could feel his erection pressing into her stomach, the veins on his arms raised as he fought to control himself. To know how much he wanted her still, and with such visible proof, went a long way to erasing her self-doubt.

‘Good,’ he murmured, nibbling on her earlobe and slowly licking her ear which made her gasp out loud. ‘Just so you know, if you hadn’t guessed, I most definitely want too.’

He stood up, watching her face for any sign of discomfort as he quickly unbuttoned and eased off her trousers and pants first before taking off his own. Lea swallowed, in pure lust, her eyes devouring every inch of his body and impressive erection, then smiling as she saw him blushing.

‘I’m sorry. I like looking at you.’

‘Don’t be sorry. I like you looking. I just –‘. It was just as awkward for him too, she realised, not knowing how Lea might or might not respond to a naked man.

‘Come here,’ she whispered, the warmth of his whole body now covering almost every part of her, making the inferno blazing between her thighs even more intense. ‘To have you - like this? It is better than anything I conjured up in my head during this lifetime away from you. And believe me, I thought of it an awful lot.’ 

‘Did you? That sounds intriguing. I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.’ Cullen had resumed the wondrous thing he had been doing to her ear earlier, Lea almost not hearing his response – she was too busy shivering with desire as her hands roamed all the way across his back, making their way down to fully appreciate the muscular curves of his simply glorious ass. 

Biting her lip, breathing deeply to try and keep some semblance of control as his tongue meandered its way south, the image he’d just suggested nearly made her moan out loud, a wave of wetness spreading slowly across her thighs. ‘You first. What did you get up to whilst I was gone?’

‘Well,’ he replied huskily as blazing golden eyes met hers. ‘There was one thing I thought of doing. On a regular basis.’

‘What might that….’ Just then, his tongue had found her clit, applying the lightest of pressures as it flickered over the most sensitive part of her body.

Lea’s toes curled up in the sheets and her hands flew to Cullen’s head once more as this time, a loud moan escaped her of unadulterated ecstasy. He pulled her legs to rest over his shoulders, his hands holding her thighs open just wide enough apart for her to see his golden head disappear between her legs.

The heat of his mouth and the slippery friction from the tip of his tongue swirling over her moist folds was driving her wild for more. He continued, firmer, drawing a rhythmic pattern over her clit and her outer lips, feeling her body instinctively respond as she felt herself get wetter and wetter.

His stubble was rough against her thighs, tickling her, as he dragged his tongue further down. Thought of any kind was impossible as he set her whole body quivering and begging for more, just brushing over her clit, holding her stomach down with a hand to stop her from pushing into his mouth before sucking gently on the sensitive nub.

‘Cullen, please, I want you… more of you...’ Lea panted out her plea, her whole body tensing as her eyes closed, her head falling backwards as she writhed in delicious rapture underneath his touch.

She felt him chuckle as he completely ignored her, just as she felt a soft, gentle probe of her entrance, his tongue still licking and his saliva mixing with her juices across her thighs. His thumb slowly caressed her swollen clit and, combined with the sound of his saliva mixing with her juices, offering a tantalising promise of what was still to come.

Lea’s every nerve was stimulated almost to the point of intolerance, about to fly apart if she didn’t feel his hot length moving inside of her soon. She was unable to bear any more as sat upright, pulling Cullen’s head to hers in a frantic need to kiss him and pull his hard, toned body on top of her once more.  

Her fingers were tousling his hair as his lips met hers, her own sweet and salty juices mixed in with the taste that was uniquely his. She was moaning, her teeth catching his bottom lip to play with before returning to let herself indulge more in his mouth, only just stopping herself from crying out as she felt his erection sliding between the soaking warm wetness across her inner thighs. The sensation of being safe, secure and loved – one only Cullen could evoke, enfolded her as strong, powerful arms lowered her back down to the bed.

He eased himself slowly up, leaning on his forearms and coming to rest right on top of her. Lea couldn’t stop staring – the sight of him, gorgeous, aroused to the point of desperation, his need to make her his once more overriding everything else firing a pure shot of electric sensation through her heart.

Wordlessly he took her hand and wrapped it round his cock, its head just nudging at her outer lips. He felt heavy and so wonderfully hard in her hand as she gripped him tight, stroking him a few times. She couldn’t resist feeling a thrill at the thickness and length of his shaft, smooth and warm with just a hint of moisture on its tip as her thumb flicked over. The heat his cock as she skimmed it over her clit made her shudder as Cullen closed his eyes, gave an audible groan, his eyes tightly shut and his face strained with need.

Samson and the Shrine of Dumat didn’t even register in her mind, although she understood why Cullen had done what he’d done, and adored him for it – to give her control over the situation so she could stop at any time she wanted. Fortunately, it was the last thing that was going to happen. If she stopped now she thought she would implode.

The full, satisfyingly primal feeling of having his cock deep inside her as she eased him in, spreading her legs wide and lifting her hips slightly, was indescribable. It was slow, it was hot, they were both sweating with their skin sticking to each another and it was everything Lea needed. She felt the muscles across his shoulders flex with one hand, her other hand resting on his ass as he started to thrust in and out of her.

‘Maker, Leaena.’ His voice was hoarse, his head right by hers as she felt his ragged breaths on her neck. ‘You feel so good – I missed you, missed this.’

‘I missed you so much, Cullen, you have no idea….’

She knew what he meant, to be this close to one another and to be so intimate. It was special, bringing them together in a way nothing else could as the final towers of her red lyrium fortress crumbled into dust. It was healing for them both, helping them recover and the most physical way for them to express their love for each other.

It wasn’t the first time they had been in such a dark place, but she would make damned sure it was the last.

Her legs had now entwined themselves around his waist to bring him even closer to her body as her lower body moved to meet his. Her breath was short and each inch of her now burning as she felt herself beginning even now to approaching her climax, knowing he wasn’t far off either.

Lea was clasping onto his back, her clit just rubbing against the fine hairs across his pelvis, something between a moan and a wail leaving her with every thrust he made. Her head was buried into his neck, salty droplets of sweat falling on her tongue as her teeth grazed his skin. Cullen was shaking hard, groaning louder as he started to pump faster, his cock throbbing as he grabbed her arms to hold her closer to him.

The buildup of energy was there in the pit of her stomach, pulsing outwards now to consume her in its inferno as she started to sob his name, her hands now gripping his shoulders, her legs firmly entwined to keep him right on top of her.

She could feel his own back arching, the muscles across his upper back rippling underneath her fingers every time his cock slid in and out of her, pushing them both closer to climax. Sensing how close she was, he kept up his rhythm then increased it, taking her by surprise as stars suddenly exploded in front of her eyelids.

Lea vaguely heard him growling out her name as a long, shuddering scream escaped from her, her whole body trembling and the muscles tighten around his cock, just as she felt him convulse as he came. She couldn’t let go of him, not even as her body shook with the force of her orgasm, Cullen’s own deep tremors from the power of his shaking further.

 ‘Leaena, it’s ok, my love, I’m here…’

Belatedly she realised her sobbing from earlier hadn’t abated. She had actually cried most of the way through some of the best sex she’d ever had.

Normal speech was beyond her as her head fell back, all her defences finally gone, conflicted – vulnerable and filled with euphoria, terrified he would suddenly vanish.

‘That was incredible….you are so sexy and I love you too, but it’s not that at all – you might leave and I can’t, I can’t, I can’t do that again –‘.

She finally let her legs, then her arms, fall to her side.

‘I’m not going anywhere. I promise. I’m so sorry they did this to you.’ Cullen had pushed himself up to his elbows, his shaky breaths not entirely due to his climax. ‘I hate to see you like this. I wish I could make it better for you.’

‘You already do. I just – I can’t live without you. You know, the whole time I ran away at the Winter Palace, Emerald Graves, all of it. I was secretly hoping you would come and get me, club me over the head to knock some sense into me and bring me back, that you wouldn’t abandon me, I mean, you didn’t but then you never came –‘.  

Lea was rambling incoherently, still shivering with aftershocks from her climax, and now she couldn’t stop. ‘Why did you take so long? I was all alone, I thought you would come, I don’t know why. It’s not your fault….’

‘I wish I had. Minus the clubbing. I am sorry I took my time.’ He was wiping her tears away and dropping kisses all over her face and neck, his eyes reflecting the heartbreak he could sense from her.

‘No no, you did everything, everything, saving me yet again. You and that horse carrying me all that way? Maker, what did I do to deserve you?’  Her hands were slowly touching his face and arms, checking to see if he was real.

‘Something heinous I’m sure. You are stuck with me, my lady. So you need to get used to it.’ Cullen’s attempt at making her smile worked as she blinked the water away from her eyes. ‘I’m pleased to hear you just enjoyed yourself. I don’t think I could cope with any more dents to my confidence right now.’

‘Confidence – what? Why? That was perfect,’ Lea whispered, feeling her face go a bit pink. 

‘I was worried. You’ve been through a lot and this is important. And thank you.’ He hadn’t moved from on top of her, his fingers still smoothing over her cheeks as she began to breathe a bit easier.

‘You have been through more than anyone deserves in a lifetime, Cullen. But, maybe now, we’re coming out on the other side.’ She managed to find the energy to raise one finger to wipe away a small line of sweat on his cheekbone.

‘I would like to think so.’ Cullen smiled, kissing her softly. ‘One way or the other, once this is done, I will not be parted from you again. We are meant to be together, Leaena.’

Lea found herself breathless again, his love for her the only thing she could sense as her eyes searched his, seeing nothing but adoration and contentment. The shadows were gone, defeated and banished and all that remained was the two of them, reunited at last in every way that mattered.

‘You are my Commander, my protector and my champion.’ Her voice was low, catching slightly from the intensity of her emotions as she took his face between her hands. ‘You are loyal, faithful and beautiful, inside and out – more than I ever dreamed I deserved in my life. I will never desert you again.’

Cullen’s golden eyes blazed before his lips met hers once more. He didn’t need to reply. Lea knew his answer already, conveyed through the part of his soul that lived within her as two living streams of blue - one cobalt and one sapphire, bonded together for eternity - continued their joyful dance.

The world around them faded to nothing aside from each other, lost to the searing passion of their kiss. Lea knew that her mind, body and heart had, finally, returned home.


	90. A Rallying Cry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to Felandaris, who previewed the smut content for me in this chapter. If you are not familiar with her stories you should definitely have a read on [AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/felandaris/works)
> 
> Her excellent Tumblr blog is [cullenstairshenanigans](http://cullenstairshenanigans.tumblr.com)

‘I will not….’

A voice and then a thump in the background woke her. Lea yawned and stretched languorously, reaching over for Cullen and immediately panicking when she couldn’t feel the warmth of his body next to her. It was over almost before it began as she sensed him just outside, the ringing of his sword as it struck metal telling her he was training

‘You will not fucking well defeat me….’

He’d set up a small training area outside so he could practice when she was asleep. This wasn’t the first time she had woken up, her sixth sense aware he wasn’t in the same room, to hear him snarling and cursing every time his sword connected with the dummy.

Cullen was still fighting invisible demons, several times a week, waking up repeatedly from nightmare after virulent nightmare. All of them based around her.

Every time, her heart broke just a little more.

‘Not now, not ever…’

She pushed herself upright, looking around for something to wear as she tied her hair back, grabbing one of his shirts that wasn’t quite so enormous on her any more. Pulling on her boots and, ignoring a cloak in her rush to get outside, she absently waved her hand to add a barrier against the cold and headed out.

Dawn was turning to morning, the sky rapidly shifting from purple to Blue and the stars already dimmed. Cullen had clearly been awake and practicing for a while given he was now just in breeches and boots, his jacket discarded. He'd just started another complicated series of sword strokes between the three dummies that he’d set up around him.

Not wanting to interrupt – mainly because she was enjoying her view too much and had completely forgotten what she’d been about to say – Lea softly closed the door behind her and leant back to watch.

Her tongue darted across her lips as she watched the sweat dripping slowly down his face and body. Each well-defined muscle across his broad back and muscular arms rippled, his blade hitting the targets with such force they were nearly dislodged. He’d pushed his hair back out of his eyes, damp and glinting golden in the early morning light, his face filled with concentration as he finished the last exercise.

His breath heaving, Cullen stood back and knelt on one knee, his hands crossed over on his sword hilt as he bowed his head and closed his eyes.

Lea wasn’t sure if she’d ever seen him look more beautiful than at that moment, powerful and primal, his skin glistening in the morning sun as a result of his physical exertions. His courageous spirit was laid bare as he prayed, his faith never having wavered despite the severity of the trials he’d had to endure.

_My Commander has the body of a warrior, the mind of a scholar and the soul of a hero._

_Your heart, though, is all mine – just as mine is yours._

‘Maker, my enemies are abundant.  
Many are those that rise up against me.  
But my faith sustains me; I shall not fear the legion,  
Should they set themselves up against me.’

He’d been so caught up in his training then his prayers he hadn’t realised she was there. She walked quietly towards him, hearing him repeat some of the most beloved verses from the Canticle of Trials under his breath.

‘In the long hours of the night  
when hope has abandoned me,  
I still see the stars and know  
Your Light remains.’

Lea had reached Cullen now, who didn’t move as she sang the accompanying verses to match his prayers – ones that mirrored their own relationship – as her hand rested against the back of his neck.

‘I have faced armies  
With You as my shield,  
And though I bear scars beyond counting, nothing  
Can break me except Your absence.’

Slowly he looked up, nothing but fierce devotion for her in his eyes, leaving Lea feeling shaken and blessed beyond measure.

‘Good morning,’ she said huskily as her hand fell back to her side. She felt her toes curling in her boots to prevent herself from jumping on him. ‘Are you all right?’

‘I feel much better, thank you.’ Cullen rose to his feet, his smile doing nothing to curb the urge she had to snake a hand down one of his biceps to check if it was real. ‘Particularly now. You have a beautiful voice, Leaena. It is a pleasure to hear you sing.’

‘Thank – what have I done now?’

He was looking at her somewhat quizzically whilst trying not to laugh.

‘Would you like to explain to me why you fibbed that night? Because I remember a certain Herald saying their voice would knock Corypheus out on the first note. I have been meaning to ask since you joined in with my meagre talents in the lake.’ He raised an eyebrow, watching with amusement as Lea blushed furiously.

‘I – well I – your talents are not meagre and that night, well I couldn’t come up with a better reason to listen to you and – oh you bad man! You knew already and you’re teasing me! I will kill Varric when I see him later!’ Lea was flaming red by now, caught out in her lie from so long ago as Cullen started laughing.

‘He told me with the best of intentions so don’t be too harsh on him. Besides, I am flattered. Why would you be embarrassed about something like that?’

‘It was still new. Us, that is. We’d only just kissed at that point –‘. Lea tailed off, suddenly distracted.

Cullen’s gaze had dropped to roam over her bare thighs and lingered there. Even in the freezing cold, he was still sweating, recovering from his earlier practice and his breathing slightly heavier than normal. Lea knew because she was finding the expansion and then contraction of his chest fascinating.

‘Just a kiss? There was something else I recall us doing before that.’ His hadn’t moved as he continued to let his eyes roam over her body.

There was no change in how marvellously toned his abdomen had felt under the caress of her tongue from the night before, but she somehow felt the need to remind herself once again as her eyes slipped down of their own accord. There was a bead of sweat making its way down Cullen’s stomach, right in the middle next to the line of dark blonde hair, heading to his belt.

Her expression remained bland even as she felt her nails dig into her palms to keep herself still. ‘Really? What? I may need to be reminded.’

As if she could ever forget that morning. He knew it all too well, judging from the devastating smile that had just appeared on his face that made her chest constrict.

‘I could show you if you like. That might help you remember.’ Cullen still didn’t touch her but she saw his hand grip his sword hilt harder, enjoying their suggestive conversation as much as she was.

One finger betrayed her. Lea giving a small gulp as she felt his muscle contract from her touch, causing a chain reaction across all the others. She thought she'd caught the drop in question, but she really wasn’t quite sure she’d stopped it. Mesmerised, her finger slowly trailed downwards - just to be certain.

Her nail then moved all on its own, tracing the outline of the erection that had appeared almost immediately when he’d realised she had nothing on underneath his shirt. She tilted her head, her lips slightly parted she watched Cullen’s stomach draw inwards, dragging in a breath as she grazed the head of his cock.

‘Show me what, exactly?’ Lea managed to somehow move her hand away, before giving a squeak of surprise.

His sword had clattered to the ground as he closed the distance between them, both hands on her ass and pulling her pelvis up against his.

‘You, Inquisitor, are a minx,’ Cullen growled as he nipped at her neck, her fingers running up the hollow of his spine. ‘Let me tell you. I am going to slide two fingers deep inside of you first, slowly, whilst my thumb plays with your clit. I am then going to take great pleasure in watching you get wetter and wetter while I make you beg for more.’

Every nerve in Lea blazed inside at his blatantly provocative words, particularly as she already felt his cock pressing hard onto her stomach as he lifted her right leg, holding it under her knee as she entwined her calf round his.

It was just as well she’d wound so tightly around him as her knees promptly turned to water. Cullen’s fingers were suddenly ghosting over her thighs and outer lips, already able to feel how wet she was. She moaned into his neck as he flickered one finger over her tingling nub, bolts of fire shooting from the aching heat between her legs up through her stomach and chest.

If there was one thing she rejoiced in, it was how comfortable they had become with each other over the last few weeks – building up their trust in each other, and themselves, again. This, for example, would have bought back hideous memories a few weeks ago. Now, it didn’t even register.

Her recovery might be slow progress in other areas, but when it came to her and Cullen, things couldn’t have been better.

_Thank the Maker. Because I can’t keep my hands off him. Especially when he talks to me like that._

‘Make me beg, Cullen? I think you’ll find it’s the other way round,’ she whispered as her tongue licked languidly over his earlobe, making him shiver. ‘Put me down and I’ll demonstrate why.’

‘I don’t think so, do you?’ With a knowing grin, he held up his finger, covered in her juices. ‘You asked me to show you and that’s what I fully intend on doing. Right now.’ He wrapped Lea’s legs around him as he carried her inside, just dodging the piles of boxes filld with their belongings.

They were due to return to Skyhold later that morning. That, however, was the furthest thing on her mind. Still not putting her down, Cullen stroked her ass with one hand, his rough palm tormenting her by not reaching further to relieve the almost intolerable pressure building up inside her belly.

‘You came to greet me with no pants on?’ He paused, Lea able to feel him smile at her frustrated groans. ‘You’re a naughty girl, Leaena.’

She was holding on tightly as his sweat stuck to the shirt she had on, her nipples chafing slightly against his chest. He set her down against the wall by the door, still keeping one of her legs raised. She had just managed to formulate a reply but all of it was lost when one of his fingers ran in a line all the way between the wet softness of her folds as a thumb started to lightly circle her clit.

‘Fuck it Cullen….!’ Lea bit his neck, inhaling the muskiness of his scent, making her desire rage as she tasted the hot, sweaty maleness that was all Cullen on her tongue. ‘Please…I need more…..’

‘So demanding, and this early on? You can wait a little while longer.’ His fingers was still moving over her soaking wet lips, ignoring her protests as the circling thumb beginning to press more insistently over her clit. ‘I also fully expect you to visit me pantless in the future.’

‘What...where?’ she panted out, winding her leg even tighter round his for support she badly needed.

The idea of appearing in Cullen’s office with nothing on underneath her robes presented all kinds of interesting opportunities – each one making her moan out loud as his thumb continued its rhythmic circling.

She was able to feel his erect nipples through the cotton, her legs shaking as he suddenly slid two fingers inside her wet lips, thrusting them high inside her core and teasing a spot which he knew made would make her cry out. Her teeth were alternately biting his shoulder as her whole body trembled, badly wanting more.

‘Oh, not just to my office.’ Cullen sounded hoarse, his words thick with barely-controlled lust. ‘I think you know exactly what I mean, Inquisitor. I know what you want and I’m curious to see just how far you’ll take it.’

She did know, and the very thought sent a fresh wave of energy throughout her, right down to where the wetness was now smearing liberally across her thighs. The noise of his fingers, sloppy and slick inside her as he nudged her legs closer together to increase the friction, made her buckle under the electric sensation now rocketing through her.

Lea was aflame now, every inch of her skin flushed with arousal as she barely clung onto him. Her hips wriggled against his hand as it started to slide faster, her muscles clenching to hold him inside of her as long as possible. Her breathing became increasingly shorter as his thumb kept working her clit, his fingers changing angle with each inward motion between her increasingly soaking folds.

‘Remember now, Leaena? My dagger at your throat, making you yield, just like you wanted?’ His voice was rough as she felt the stubble on his cheek rasping against hers, barely able to control his own need for release. ‘I made you come hard that morning, just like I’m about to right now. With one difference. Can you guess?’

Lea somehow shook her head in response as it fell back. Her vision blurred further as Cullen gave her a wicked grin. His fingers and thumb were moving so fast now she could barely stand from the exquisite sensation, she was so close to flying apart. 

He leaned in again, the heat from his whisper sending sparks shooting down her spine, adding to the tension that was about to overwhelm her. ‘I’m going to fuck you and make you come again.’

Her nails raked down Cullen’s back as her orgasm consumed her. A low, shuddering cry was muffled in his shoulder where her teeth had sunken into, a world of colour dancing in front of her eyes that were squeezed shut. She only remained upright because her leg was still secured around his and she was slumped backwards for support. 

After a minute or so, Lea felt a bit more coherent. Her vision was unfocused and her body humming, yet she still wasn’t quite satisfied. As she saw the straining of his erection against the cloth, she smiled with anticipation as she looked up.

His eyes were burning amber as he raised his hand to her mouth. ‘There is one more thing, isn’t there? Taste yourself, Inquisitor.’

A groan finally escaped Cullen, fixated on the sight of his finger moving in and out of her mouth, watching her tongue lapping at her own juices. As he took his hand back and licked both fingers clean, her hands flew to his breeches, desperate to feel his cock in her hand and, more urgently, tight around her.

‘Shall we find out if the second half is as good as the first?’ She had finally freed the whole length of him, thick and delicious and throbbing in her hand.

It was Cullen’s turn to sag forward, his legs spread slightly as one arm supported him against the wall. She rubbed her dripping wet lips over the swollen head of his shaft, making him hiss,

'It won't just be as good. It will be better.' Putting his hand over hers, with a smooth motion he thrust into her, grabbing her hip and grinding his pelvis right up against her clit.

‘Oh shit……the feel…Cullen…. fuck….’

Lea made an attempt at saying something about just how incredible he felt which completely failed. Her mind was gone again as her senses, already at their peak from her earlier climax were pushed beyond their boundaries once more.

He held her thigh now with his other hand tangled in her hair as he kissed her feverishly. Both of them were moaning as she tasted and smelt the salty-sweet of her juices still in his mouth and on his lips. Her hands were gripping his ass, frantic to bring him even closer as their hips rocked together. There was silence, only the sound of skin rhythmically meeting skin and heated groans echoing through the humid air around them.

Lea didn’t notice her head hit the back wall, barely registering her frenzied wail. An unexpected bolt of lightning fired through her from the dual sensation of Cullen’s cock inside her and his fingers on her clit again. His length filled her to her limit, pumping harder and faster, all while his fingers stroked her sensitive nub - making her strain further towards the exhilarating high he was focussed on giving her.

‘I did promise,’ Cullen ground out, his voice gravelly. He couldn't hold out for much longer either. ‘Come for me, my love.’

He didn’t need to ask her twice, his whispered endearment after one of their most sexually charged mornings for months making heat explode in every corner of her body. The tension still left over from her from her first climax suddenly released as she shook with the force, gasping uncontrollably in a silent scream of mindless ecstasy.

Seconds later, she felt a surge of hot stickiness run down a thigh. His cock jerked as Cullen gave one last, deep thrust accompanied by a ragged, guttural cry, shuddering as they collapsed against the wall together. They were both sweating, stuck together, caught up in the clothes and boots they hadn’t even bothered shedding.

Lea had never felt so content, happy to stand here with the weight and warmth of Cullen pressed up against her for the rest of her life. One hand was still appreciating the perfect definition of his ass whilst the other was stroking his hair, a tired and satisfied smile curving her lips.

‘I have to confess,’ he murmured into her ear as he kissed her neck, ‘this is far more pleasant morning than I was anticipating.’

‘Me too,’ she agreed, just able to see some things she still hadn’t packed. ‘I should feign ignorance more often.’

A low rumble of laughter rippled through her before his lips found hers, giving her a lingering kiss. ‘I never need an excuse to see you like this, Leaena. It’s always more satisfying than my own pleasure.’

‘It’s the same for me.’ Lea managed to find the energy to lift a hand to his face. ‘You are rather good at this though, Commander.’

‘I’m glad you approve, Inquisitor.’ Cullen kissed her nose before he glanced down at her minimal outfit. ‘Not that I mind seeing you in just my shirt – and those boots in particular, but why did you not stop to put more clothes on?’

It wasn’t just her who had been recovering. Cullen had suffered, his own torture as bad as hers. He was still coming to terms with what she had been put through, having to bear that burden for them both. To be struggling with lyrium withdrawal and trapped by the demons of his mind – battling an enemy he couldn’t see – was just as excruciating as any physical pain.

In many ways it was worse. Bruises and cuts healed eventually, but wounds to the soul could last a lifetime. 

‘I wanted to make sure you were alright.’ Lea heard a note of anxiety creep into her voice, unwanted after such a blissful morning but she couldn’t help it. ‘When you wake like that – I know you’ve had a bad night. Is there anything I can do to help?’

His frown disappeared, replaced by a smile that made her heart melt. ‘I didn’t wake up well, true. But the moment you came outside it all disappeared. And after what we just shared – how could I feel any better than I do right now?’

Cullen then gave the most adorable blush that made Lea smile in response as he stumbled over his next words. ‘I – well, to be closer to you, more intimate – it makes it all less. The nightmares, the withdrawal, the paranoia. That sounds odd and I don’t mean it that way. I don’t know why…’

She freed her hands so she could cup his face and reach up for a kiss. ‘Being with you – it makes all the bad things go away. I know what you mean. I have the same too. Because to be this close to you requires the physical as well as the mental bond. And we finally have both back, perhaps more than ever in the past.’                                       

Lea couldn’t help herself as she pressed her lips softly to his once more, Cullen remaining slightly red across his cheekbones. ‘I can’t say I’m complaining. It has never been like this before with anyone. I – the level of trust – it was never an issue – but it helps build it further.’

‘You are right, of course and have put it far better than I did.’ He pulled her towards him as she managed to stand once more, sighing as he rested his head on top of hers. ‘I know it has been difficult for us both, especially for you, but I am so proud of what you have achieved, Leaena.’

‘And I you. We’ve been through fire haven’t we? It has changed us – but we’re still here.’ She was resting against his chest, feeling sleepy and wishing they could go back to bed for the whole day.

‘Do you want to take a nap? There is time.’ It was if he’d read her mind, which he may well have done given the purring sound from sapphire twisting round cobalt.

Lea gave him a drowsy smile. ‘Will you join me? I sleep better if you are there.’

‘Of course. I could do with some more rest whilst we can get it.’

They quickly shed their boots and clothes, climbing back under the sheets. Lea snuggled up contentedly against Cullen’s warm body, her head on his chest listening to his beating heart and her arm and leg over the top of his.

As she drifted off, a smile appeared as she realised that he’d deliberately seduced her. She was so relaxed now the numbing fear she normally experienced at the thought of returning to the Inquisition had completely disappeared.

\-------

‘I think that’s the last of it. Are you ready?’ Cullen was looking around their small cabin with a look of regret as real life intruded on their previous idyllic existence. 

The time had come to return to Skyhold and for them to take up the mantles of Inquisitor and Commander once more. If Cullen hadn’t set out to so thoroughly distract her earlier – to the point where she felt almost sedated from satisfaction – she might have been far more worked up about it than she was. 

‘I am. Let’s get going.’ Lea sighed, pulling on her gloves and picking up a bag filled with the reports and letters she still had to read.

She’d spent the last couple of weeks or so slowly catching up with what had taken place in the long months of her absence. Cullen had strictly monitored how much time she was spending working, physically wrestling papers from her and hiding them if he thought she was getting too tired.

Sometimes she’d done that on purpose. It normally achieved the desired result.

_Well, every time. Be honest, Lea._

‘I recognise that smile.’ Warm breath from his whispered words drifted across her ear and sent a delicious shiver through her as Cullen’s arms slid around her waist. ‘I’m curious to know what caused it.’

The heat from his body penetrated through her thick cloak as she leant back against him, starting to laugh as feather-light kisses – slowly trailing down from her ear all along her neck – both tickled and make her heart race at the same time.

‘Nothing….we –,’ Lea’s words got abruptly cut off as the kisses finally reached her mouth, her head leaning back on his shoulder and turning slightly so she could indulge herself in the warm, seductive pressure of his lips on hers.

‘What were you saying, Inquisitor?’ The deep, now slightly husky voice vibrated through Lea as she bit her lip.

Even after this morning, she felt desire immediately sparking through her senses. She wasn’t sure how long she could stay upright, as she felt the slight graze of his chin and jaw along the column of her neck. Her nose had filled with a woody citrus scent that never failed to make her senses spin.

‘We…don’t we have to go? Oh, Maker…..Cullen…we’ll never….’ Lea was having to think very hard for the right words, finding it difficult to remember why it was so important to return to Skyhold as a hot, wet tongue flickered over a sensitive spot just behind her earlobe.

‘Sadly, we do. But there’s always time for just one more.’ Any further conversation was stopped for a minute as Cullen gave her a heated kiss, leaving Lea breathless, her bag falling to the floor along with her gloves.

‘I have appreciated our time here,’ she murmured wistfully, looking around their cosy little home for the last two months.

These walls had witnessed her at her lowest points of recovery, and the dizzying highs of being with Cullen once more. The months of separation, pain and despair had taken their toll. But here, they had talked, cried, laughed and loved – just the two of them with no interruptions, a Maker-given gift to learn how to live with each other again.

He rested his cheek against her head, sensing her sadness. ‘We will come back you know. I know it won’t be the same, but it will always be here for you.’

Despite everything – or perhaps because of it – Lea had never more secure or confident in herself before. Certainly never as much in love with Cullen as she was now. And, given how much she adored him before, that was quite a considerable amount.

‘Thank you for arranging this, and for everything you have done,’ she whispered as she turned around to face him, seeing his eyes soften at her words.

‘You are welcome, my lady. I would do anything for you, to see you safe and happy.’ He kissed her nose lightly with a smile.

‘And I you. We really should go this time,’ she said reluctantly, Cullen bending down to pick up her bags for her as she put her gloves on.

Dusting down armour that nearly fitted her properly again, she mover her hair over her shoulder, satisfied with her appearance before reaching for her new staff. It had miraculously appeared, waiting for her when she’d woken up from her nap, along with two brand new daggers. They were even better than the ones she’d had previously which was some feat.

‘How did you find these weapons for me?’ she asked curiously as she picked it up, a sleek black obsidian and ironbark thing of beauty – complete with sapphires. ‘Ironbark of this type is exceedingly rare.’

‘I have my methods,’ he replied with a grin. ‘Which involved an awful lot of being very nice to the quartermaster. Dagna created that for you. And your daggers are a present from Alistair.’

‘Maker, where did he get them from?’ She looked at him, astonished. ‘They are lyrium-inscribed aren’t they? You’d have to sleep with Bhelen himself to get these.’

‘I’d be interested to see Alistair’s reaction when you ask him how far he did have to go.’ He helped her up on top of his horse first before mounting up behind her.

‘I can imagine. Oh, Andraste save me, what an image!’ She nearly fell off the horse laughing. ‘Thank you for putting that thought in my mind!’

‘Hey, you started it, my lady. You’ve only got yourself to blame. I just pointed out the obvious.’ His arms enfolded her again as he managed to stifle his own amusement, nudging the horse into a walk. ‘Are you sure you don’t want to ride -.’

She squeezed Cullen’s arm, making him pause. ‘Honestly, I think this is better. I owe the Inquisition’s people a great deal, to have kept things going for so long. I would rather give the impression of togetherness than some stiff, cold and formal Inquisitor riding back to rule over everyone again.’

They’d debated how she should arrive back at Skyhold for some time, right down to whether she rode her own horse or not. Cullen eventually agreeing with her that there was no harm in a display of their support and love for each other, given the vicious rumours and gossip that had swirled round them for so long. 

Lea lay her staff across her lap, relaxing back against him. ‘It’s nice to be awake for this bit, seeing as I missed out on so many weeks of being so close to you every day.’

‘I am glad you are awake too,’ he replied quietly. ‘It was torment, to have you so close yet so far.’

‘I’m sor-‘.

‘No,’ he interrupted her gently. ‘Don’t say it. We had a deal, remember? You are here, safe and sane, and that is all that matters to me.’

The red lyrium had, by now, almost left her system and she could only just sense the residual corruption if she really focussed on it. Her paranoia and anxiety had reduced sufficiently that she thought she could bear to be around people again – yet to be put to the test as, aside from Cullen, she had only seen Solas briefly once when he came to check up on her.

‘Well, that remains to be seen,’ she said somewhat nervously. ‘I go from seeing you every day to hundreds of people. I don’t want to make a mess of this, Cullen.’

‘If you are at all unsure, we will turn back,’ he promised. ‘Or, if it gets too much later on, we will head back. You always have that choice.’

Except Lea didn’t really have a choice. While she had recovered physically, it would take a lot longer for the mental and emotional damage to repair. Her memories of that dark time were suppressed, hopefully permanently, but it didn’t alter the fact that it had taken place.

She still recalled some of the beatings, the violence and the red lyrium induced delusions – images of which assailed her at random moments, sending bile straight to her mouth as she fought to wrestle the memories back in her iron lockbox.

But she didn’t have time to deal with it, so she simply ignored it instead. Revenge and an end to it all were fuelling her anger, and the knowledge that they had decimated their enemy so badly they were actually close to their end goal. Lea would not rest until she had Samson and Corypheus’ heads on display right next to each other outside Skyhold’s gates.

‘We will beat them both, Leaena.’ Cullen was easily able to guess at her rage, his reassurance bringing her back to the snowy mountainous landscape and the enjoyment of sitting in his arms.

‘We will,’ she agreed firmly. ‘It’s why turning back is not an option. I am better. Stronger too. I just need to get this bit out of the way and then I’ll feel better.’

He gave her a light squeeze, drawing her securely to his chest. ‘I will be right with you, the whole way. Not that you need my help. You will be more than fine on your own.’

Josephine had turned Lea’s arrival into a big celebration. The whole fortress would be there, along with all the visiting dignitaries. It was absolutely what was needed after Lea’s dramatic departure and illness. She could deal with it, but it was what Cullen hated the most.

‘I would always prefer you were with me, no matter the situation.’ Lea chuckled at the thought of the evening to come. ‘Are you sure you’re ready though? Particularly for tonight?’ 

‘Maker’s Breath! Don’t remind me!’ Cullen’s irritation was apparent. ‘We have to sit down and eat with all these people who think they’re so important, and be polite? The last few weeks have been such a welcome respite from all of that.’

‘It won’t last all night. I am not staying for long either, but it gives me such an ideal opportunity to get all these demanding people out of the way in one go.’ Her anxiety rose once more at the thought of having to be surrounded again, only to have Cullen soothe her once more.

‘Don’t worry. I will be right next to you the whole night,’ he assured her.

It was something he and Josephine had fought over, Cullen flat out refusing to leave Lea unguarded after all she had been put through. Lea had only read the letters, but she had some idea of the discussion they’d had when Cullen had, very reluctantly, gone to Skyhold briefly a few days ago. Against that argument, however, Josephine had no comeback.

Solas had visited, to check on her progress and stay with her whilst Cullen was gone. It had, to her surprise, been quite an emotional visit from the usually taciturn elf who had been as determined to see her survive as her Commander. He was visibly shaken by how much she had improved as he manipulated a combination of different schools of magic to reduce some of the scarring on her stomach and chest further.

‘Cullen?’ That reminded her of a question she’d had at the back of her mind since she’d woken. ‘When Solas healed me – how did he heal me? I’ve never heard of such powerful magic before. I’m in some awe – my talents are only average but even the most skilled healers don’t come close.’

‘Honestly? I have no answer either. I have never seen the like but I was hardly going to stop him.’ He was disturbed by the question too. ‘At the time – we’d just escaped a burning Tevinter temple and you were – you were…..’

Suddenly, he buried his head in her neck, holding her closely as he fought off the memories, completely ignoring the fact the horse had stopped. ‘Andraste guided us – you were dying and I could do nothing….’

‘No,’ she said softly, leaning her head against his, reaching up to comfort him. ‘You did everything. You were there, bonded with my spirit. I would have died for certain if you hadn’t found me when you did.’

 ‘I know – it’s just –‘. He sighed, his cheek pressed against hers, taking solace in the fact she still lived. ‘I nearly left it too late. I was waiting, waiting until you couldn’t say no to my help – but I left it far too late.’

Cullen’s guilt for his role in the whole miserable affair still overwhelmed him at times. Lea had accepted that some part of him would always feel responsible – if their roles were reversed she would feel the same too, just as she did about the nightmares and pain he still struggled with.

But she could try and relieve his conscience as much as possible in the meantime.

‘I will say this till I’m blue in the face until a bit of it sinks in. I don’t think you could have come any earlier. There was a reason the Maker sent me to Samson when he did, so I could see the full extent of what we were up against. It will help us defeat him in the end. Besides,’ she gave him a gentle kiss, letting him feel her love and her gratitude for everything he had been through, just for her. ‘You made it.’

‘True. Here you are, alive, your usual beautiful, vibrant self restored to me, right where I want you. It is all I need.’ He gave her a kiss on her cheek, sending a contented warmth through her body as his horse set off once more. ‘How do you feel about seeing everyone again? Are you excited?’

‘I can’t wait to see Cadan again. I missed him terribly. I wish Trystan and Cassandra were back too – but it can’t be helped. I –‘.

She stopped, biting her lip, her own guilt rising again at all her companions had been put through on her account. Long letters had been exchanged between her and her family – firstly from Cullen which she’d dictated and then from her when she had more strength. But it was never the same.

It had been her decision to not have people down to their cabin, wanting to preserve it as her own sanctuary and see people at Skyhold. They were all very dear to her. Now, she would have to deal en masse with them all and she had no idea how they would all react.

Cullen felt her tense and shook his head. ‘My lady, if you insist I have nothing to feel bad about then the same applies to you. Your mind was warped by a demon, red lyrium and Corypheus. That you held out as long as you did is a testament to your mental strength and willpower. Most people would have gone mad and died outright.’

‘It doesn’t make a difference though does it? People got hurt because of my actions. Mainly you.’ She sighed, her thumb rubbing at a shiny point on her staff which was sitting across her knees as she tried to distract herself.

‘I can’t tell you to not feel remorse over what happened to me when I won’t stop feeling the same.’ A rueful chuckle followed his words. ‘Although I am on the mend, as are you. But as for the rest of it?’

Cullen shrugged then as he thought about it, more used to the brutal reality they currently lived in than she was. ‘We’re at war. It’s what happens. It’s bloody, it’s violent and atrocities far worse than anything you could ever do are committed on a daily basis. Everyone acknowledges this, apart from you.’

‘Don’t mistake me – it’s not right and that is one of the main reasons the Inquisition was formed in the first place, to bring an end to such madness. And the fact that you will not tolerate such actions is one of the reasons the Inquisition thrives and has maintained its respect with its allies, rather than crumbled in your absence.’

Lea blushed at the respect she could hear in Cullen’s voice as he reminded her of why they needed to see the Inquisition through to its end.

‘It isn’t on – I mean I know it happens. But that’s why even you and I argue sometimes about what the right course of action is, not to mention the fights I’ve had with Leliana. I am too moralistic against an enemy which will use any means necessary to bring us down. You three, and my companions, push things through no matter what.’

‘And that is why we have been so successful, because we work together,’ he countered. ‘Look at the damage we have delivered to Corypheus. It’s due to a combination of ideals and direct action. And believe me when I say everyone is looking forward to seeing you once more, not to mention having their Inquisitor back at the helm.’

‘I’ll remind you of someone else whose opinion you greatly value. There is a certain King who could be accused of being even more idealistic than you. If Ferelden were governed by the likes of Anora, Eamond or – Maker forbid – Loghain, if Alistair hadn’t had the good sense to execute him, do you think it would be the country it now is? He makes it work because there is a mix of pragmatism and principles and he puts his foot down if his lords try to go too far. It’s not a bad thing.’

Cullen was, as ever, right. He was not one for frivolous conversation, and rarely said anything unless there was a purpose. This pep talk was to remind her that she was very much wanted back at Skyhold. Perhaps her welcome wouldn’t be quite as awful as she thought.

‘Alright,’ she raised a hand in mock surrender, placing the other on top of his. ‘I concede the point. I am just nervous and picking holes.’

‘Which is understandable. It will be fine, I promise. Have you thought about your speech?’

'It will be short. And I have an idea. But I’ll do as I did outside that day at the Chantry and wing it – I have to see what the mood is and adjust things accordingly.’ Lea laughed as she felt Cullen’s horror that she had nothing written down to prompt her.

‘You still haven’t told me how you do that. Andraste preserve me, I spend days beforehand, and thousands of pieces of parchment before I come close.’ She sensed his slight disbelief, which she knew was somewhat misplaced.

‘I have heard you, Commander Cullen, with your sword raised – rallying your armies with speeches that would make Gaspard himself want to take notes,’ she said, chuckling lightly. ‘I don’t think you find it nearly as hard as you’re letting on.’

‘That’s easy,’ he replied dismissively. ‘It’s all this pandering to nobles that sets my teeth on edge.’

‘And that is why I shall do all of it for you tonight.’

Lea could see Skyhold now, bright in the midday sun, the light off the snowy mountains making the stone look moderately less forbidding. She felt ambivalent as she watched the gates get ever closer. It wasn’t anything permanent to her – it was a means to an end.

Stability, safety, love, comfort – those were the key things that sprung to mind when she thought of home. It was everything and more that she’d found in Cullen. So long as he was with her she could be anywhere in Thedas and find peace.

Corypheus had inadvertently revealed that to her through the exhausting trek in her mind. It hadn’t all been horrors. She’d learnt much about herself too. And that particular realisation had been far and away the most important.

The towers at each corner of the battlements jogged her memory – something that had made her smile even as her brain was on the cusp of annihilation.

‘Completely changing the subject for a minute.’ She twisted her head round to look at him once more, a hint of mirth in her voice. ‘Fairytale castle with white-capped turrets glowing in the moonlight? I didn’t realise you had it in you. I fully intend on sharing those lines with Cassandra.’

‘I was quite proud of that one myself,’ he replied unrepentantly with a quick grin, refusing to be embarrassed. ‘Maker knows I was struggling that day to find anything positive to write about at all. But it did look pretty, you would have liked it and we will both take a walk together next time there is snow and a full moon.’

‘Well it had the desired effect, you’ll be pleased to know.’ It never failed to give her a rush of pleasure that Cullen would find the smallest things and make them into something romantic.

_And he used to worry he never was romantic enough. He couldn’t be more wrong._

Her idea of romance and Cassandra’s varied greatly. She would take the version Cullen practiced any day of the week. It was all about deeds, not words and in that he excelled at that every given moment.

Their slow plod on his horse was nearly over, butterflies rising in her stomach as they clattered over the drawbridge, the flag flying to show she was in residence. The title of Inquisitor, like all the others, had never sat well with her but she would do her best to do them justice once more. Lea owed it to them all – the people she could now see waiting and, above anyone else, the man sat behind her, to at least try.

He was letting her feel his love and reassurance as every step took them nearer to faces craning to see, filled with anticipation, curiosity and even enthusiasm.

It was terrifying. She’d rather be facing down Corypheus in Haven once more. But she fought it, focusing instead on the warm lips that had pressed themselves to her cheek one last time, sending goosebumps all the way down her neck.

Finally, they were there. A hush had descended as the assembled crowd, almost the whole population of Skyhold – now hundreds upon hundreds of people – watched her and Cullen arrive. It was a magnificent sea of colour and diversity, people from every race and every country in Thedas. Lea hadn’t quite appreciated just how much the Inquisition had grown in her absence. The sight of all these dedicated people, prepared to fight for their cause, humbled her.

They deserved better than they had received from her so far.

After an initial moment of overwhelming anxiety, that fact only served to strengthen her resolve. It helped that the crowds were far back. She knew that would have sent her straight back down to the lake.

Josephine and Leliana were waiting on the path up to the Main Hall, right where she’d had to raise that stupid sword when they’d first arrived. She’d refused to do so again – if there needed to be blades brandished in the air Cullen could do it instead.

Her eyes finally, hesitantly, moved up to see her companions lining the steps towards the huge oak doors, nearly losing her composure as she saw them all. They all had beaming smiles of encouragement – even Solas and Blackwall. As her eyes met Varric’s she finally felt a tear slide down her face as he shook his head with a wave of his hand, a gesture telling her all was forgiven and forgotten.

Lea’s whimsical side found something poignant in riding back to Skyhold in the same manner that Cullen had carried her for so many long weeks. It was also the most visible reminder she could think of to highlight to a certain group of people all he’d put himself through to save her life.

_Busy breaking hearts whilst I was away, Commander?_

_Or that’s what they’d have you believe if they thought they’d get you into bed that way._

She’d read the reports of the night in the tavern and had heard of the relentless pursuit some women had subjected him to over the weeks of their separation. Lea also knew how uncomfortable and difficult he found such situations.

Cullen’s overly polite and awkwardly roundabout rebuttals often fell on deaf ears. The more his face, neck and ears burned a deep red, the more it endeared him further to the person he was trying his best to ignore. It normally left him in a vicious circle of even more unwanted attention.

Lea was more than happy to get the message across on his behalf that the Inquisition’s Commander was taken, and not interested in the slightest.

She was pleased to see mainly entertained expressions at the sight of their Inquisitor arriving with their Commander on the same horse. Much to her satisfaction, there were some looks of resignation as well.

Perhaps as importantly though, Lea also wanted to demonstrate, in the face of insurmountable odds, there was always the hope that anything could be overcome. If she and Cullen – both as individuals and as a partnership – couldn’t represent that to the people that served the Inquisition, then she didn’t know what else would.

It went against her nature to give herself accolades, but in this regard she couldn’t deny they were practically walking miracles, both having survived the ravages of torture and lyrium of both shades.  So far, her tactic seemed to be working.

‘Josephine has set the stage perfectly,’ Cullen murmured, looking around with approval. ‘Ready to join me in the first act, Inquisitor?’

‘I am, Commander.’ She flashed him a quick grin at his apt comparison, not wanting to show any hint of trepidation. Today was all about performing. ‘Let’s take centre stage.’

‘We will speak again afterwards,’ he whispered as he reluctantly released her from his arms. ‘Remember, I am with you all the way. I love you, Leaena.’

The glow throughout her body that he’d given her earlier that morning doubled in its intensity again, more of her paranoia stripped away. She just hoped it would be enough. The walls were looming, threatening to close in on her.

Not having a chance to reply, a familiar, much-loved voice spoke to her from one side of Cullen’s horse.

‘If you two are done admiring each other, let me help you down, Lea.’

‘Cadan!’ Seeing her twin so unexpectedly close nearly undid her, feeling her lip tremble as she bit it hard. He looked as ridiculously handsome as ever, casually dressed in jacket and breeches, his dark hair pushed back. Blue eyes the mirror image of hers, currently almost black, gave her the first indication of how deeply moved he was.

‘Yes, you know my name. Well done. Now grab your staff and get down. Poor Cullen’s going to be stuck up there all day otherwise.’

Cadan’s sarcasm was a front to hide just how emotional he was at seeing her once more, Lea able to feel the slight tremble in hands that were almost as strong as Cullen’s as they helped her down. She spun round exuberantly towards him, about to give Cadan the biggest hug when his arm stopped her.

‘Not yet, Lea. We will have a proper reunion once you get this out of the way,’ he said under his breath as Cullen handed the reins to an awestruck groom.

‘He’s right. Let’s do this and then we’ll all meet in the War Room afterwards,’ Cullen agreed. 

‘Urgh. I know, I know.’ It went against the grain to practically ignore Cadan as they made their way up to the steps but she somehow managed it.

The silence was almost threatening to suffocate her. It was a minor miracle that she was still upright. The whole situation was becoming overwhelming. It was only through a combination of not looking anywhere except straight ahead and drawing strength from Cullen through her magic that she was able to make it to the platform.

_I have to do this!_

_I can’t do this!_

Out of nowhere, chaos was raging in her head as she stared mindlessly at the step behind Leliana, finding herself frozen to the spot. Resistance to do anything that required her to speak was a force her mind couldn’t break through, Lea left mute by the surging panic that swept through every vein in her body. Her brain was firing with prickling pains, a headache so sharp nearly blinding her suddenly.

‘Lea?’ Josephine, ever the professional, had moved to block Lea from the crowds below although her voice was concerned. ‘What’s wrong?’

_You must be spectacular at sucking dick, Inquisitor. Cullen’s stuck around far longer with you than any of the other pretty mages he fucked and then abandoned in Kirkwall._

_I can’t imagine why else he stayed with you. But then the most beautiful girls are always the ones that whore their way to the top. Something you’ve had plenty of practice at._

Her fists were clenched as she fought to not vomit all over the edge of the stairs, her vision blurred. All she remembered was intense pain as steel gauntlets slamming into her face repeatedly, blood stinging her eyes, her broken teeth in agony. Her hair was then yanked roughly, forcing her neck back and her mouth held wide open by metal fingers before….before…

_I want to find out what has your Commander coming back for more._

_You should have stayed in your toy fortress, playing at being a princess. Because your knight can’t save you from me now._

This had been before she’d figured out to shut off her mind with red lyrium – this the one act of abuse above all others that had her frantic with fear, searching for a way to mentally disappear. The sight of the Red Templar reaching down his breeches to free himself, advancing on her menacingly had provided all the motivation she needed to find a way to stop it.

Just not quite in time. This was one memory that had escaped her iron lockbox at the worst possible moment.  

‘Leaena, it’s alright. It’s over. I’m here.’

Warm cobalt blue light started to diffuse across her mind, the reminder of how she’d screamed and gagged fading to nothing, her own nausea reducing as she started to breathe again. Cullen’s calm, quiet words cut through Samson’s lies, reminding her that he had saved her and she wasn’t chained up any more, waiting for the next punishment Samson could think of.

Blinking, Lea realised everyone was staring at her with worry, the whole of Skyhold riveted by what was going on above them. Josephine looked prepared to catch her if she pitched over the side, fortunately still preventing the crowd from seeing how pale she’d gone.

‘Don’t worry about all of that. Breathe a moment for me.’ Cullen’s solid, protective presence was right behind her, bringing her back to the present and doing as he’d asked, taking in big lungfuls of air as steadily as she could.

‘That’s it. Well done, my lady.’ He could sense she had returned from a flashback – one which he would know about anyway. ‘Do you want to do this? We can go inside if you prefer.’

She didn’t move for a second, letting her need to throw up subside further.

_Whored my way to the top? You’re comparing me to that slut?_

Years of being taunted and bullied in the Circle about her noble background had made Lea more determined than any apprentice to prove to the world that she could succeed – because of who she was, not what she’d been born into. She couldn’t stand being accused of securing her status on anything other than merit alone.

Whatever had made her Herald of Andraste was a moot point but she had not become one of the youngest ever Senior Enchanters because she lacked talent and skill. She had then taken up the role of Inquisitor by mutual consent, bestowed upon her by the Right and Left Hands of the Divine no less.

It was the one insult Samson had hurled at her that replaced the terror with rage. Now her blood was pumping through her with fury rather than fear, giving her an exhilaration she wasn’t expecting.

_Fuck you. I shall take great delight in proving you oh, so very wrong._

‘I’m fine. Thank you.’ She reached back, giving Cullen’s hand a squeeze of reassurance as she smiled at her other two advisors. ‘Good afternoon, Leliana and Josephine. I would love to greet you properly, but let’s give these good people the show they’re waiting for first.’

If she could have seen herself, she cut quite the imposing figure, all in black with her long blonde hair caught by the breeze. She’d embraced her magic, her staff igniting with blue flame and her cloak billowing out behind her as she stepped forward to address the Inquisition.

Bolstered by the swell of admiration she felt from Cullen, right behind her as he’d promised, she took a deep breath and started to speak.

‘I am not alone  
As I stumble on the path  
With my eyes closed, yet I see  
The Light is here.’

She gave a small smile as she felt Solas’ magic amplify her voice across what felt like half the Frostback Mountains, letting the poignant verses of the Chant of Light settle through people’s consciousness.

‘I wanted to share with you these beloved words – ones I often repeated in my prayers when I was absent from Skyhold. Every time, I was reminded of you all, travelling too on this perilous journey. You have left behind your lives to bring change, saving Thedas from its gravest threat yet. The sacrifices you have all made willingly, to deliver hope to this new world, forged from the foundations of the past……it gave me strength to carry on – here – when I had lost all hope.’

The whole fortress was still as Lea’s palm hit her chest with an audible slap. She was enunciating every word clearly, letting her voice rise and fall at specific parts of each sentence to create the most impact. 

‘When Corypheus invaded my mind through the power of the demon Imshael – I was not alone in my repulsion. When his darkspawn legion whispered promises of madness to me through the poison of red lyrium – I was not alone in my aversion. And when his General tried to break me and left me for dead on the Rack – I was not alone in my defiance.’

Cullen’s words on the Inquisition’s focus had helped her considerably. She had decided, as ever, on complete honesty rather than trying to hide what had happened. What else could she do, after all, if she wanted to spearhead change? She would lead by example, or not at all.

She raised her left hand, letting the green flame burn visibly for all to see.

‘You were there with me, bearing witness to the insanity of a crazed darkspawn magister, denying him the power to continue to plague this earth. You were there with my advisors and companions as they prepared to take the battle to his very doorstep - his own sacred Shrine, now in ruins.’

Lea’s voice was now ringing with passion and fervour, everything she believed in pouring forth from her heart to show these brave people, who would die for the Inquisition’s cause if necessary, exactly how much their support meant to her.

‘You were there with me, feeling my pain and anguish, picking me up when I stumbled on the Maker’s path. Corypheus tried to destroy us, but he failed. His armies are in tatters, running for their lives and scattered to the winds.’

‘I have felt my absence as keenly as you. But I am back – alive, well and ready to keep fighting by your side, to put an end to the pestilence that would see us chained to a future of misery. We have our enemy on the run. Corypehus cannot hide from us any more. We are ready to strike, and we will deliver the final blow soon. Because of each and every one of you – the Inquisition will triumph, freeing Thedas from this evil forever!’

Her hand raised in a bold salute, a flame of green fire exploding towards the heavens as the whole of Skyhold erupted in thunderous cheers, roaring the Inquisition’s name.

Adrenaline was rushing through her, erasing any of the crippling malevolence that had unwantedly made an appearance earlier. Lea slowly bought her hand down and extinguished the green embers, the most obvious symbol of the Inquisition’s power over their enemies.

She said nothing as she gestured for her companions and advisors to join her, to give one last show of respect to a crowd that probably ran into the thousands if the armies were also somehow listening.

Raising her staff to show she was about to speak, she took a step forward as the noise reduced to a hush. The flow of support she felt from everyone behind her back motivated her further as she prepared to finish her speech.

‘We serve the Inquisition, just as you do. We are here for you, just as you have been for us. Go now, and resume your tasks. Prepare for the order to march. We are the armies of the Maker’s faithful, with Andraste herself guiding our way. Together, with the Maker’s blessing, we will end this war victorious!’

The chanting of the crowd was now deafening as Lea slammed her staff hard on the ground, blue flames igniting whilst she gave a deep bow to acknowledge her debt to them all.

Somehow Solas had managed to make the sharp slap of metal on the stone into a deep booming toll, reverberating off the walls of the fortress and adding to the atmosphere of jubilation and anticipation.

If she had thought the admiration she’d sensed from Cullen earlier had been plentiful it was dwarfed by what she felt now. Lea turned to look at him, a determined expression on her face that nearly slipped into a furious blush.

She respected all her advisors’ opinions and was gratified when she won their approval, but Cullen’s was always the one she valued the most. It was perhaps for obvious reasons, but even with her he never minced words if he believed she was wrong. In fact he was probably harsher, to avoid any accusation of bias.

There would be no dressing down for Lea today. Cullen’s eyes blazed amber gold, filled with so much pride and awe for what she’d managed to achieve, she could only stand there awash with shy pleasure. As she felt heat creep up her neck, she just remembered to move up into the Main Hall amidst the deafening shouts that had immediately started up again as she shouted her challenge to Corypheus.

They all trailed behind her, Lea turning around to give one more raised salute to the multitude of people still gathered below. She made her way into the deserted Main Hall, her eyes taking in the familiar surroundings. As the heavy doors banged closed once more she stopped, still not sure how to deliver the second speech she’d have to give to her Inner Circle.

It was not a convenient time for Lea to remember that some of them had found her broken body completely naked. She knew it was irrational, given who they were, the state she’d been in and the vile circumstances, but she couldn’t help but feel embarrassed. They’d been witness to her utter degradation.

Cullen materialised by her side just then, turning to speak to the others. ‘Let’s get straight to the War Room and carry on there. This place will fill up soon enough. Once again, your organisational skills leave me floored, Josephine.’

Lea would be eternally grateful to her Commander for taking over at that point. Mortification was rocketing through her, the success outside already forgotten as her mood swung from euphoric to miserable at a rate of knots.

‘It is merely logistics, Cullen,’ Josephine replied airily. ‘And a matter of herding people as one would sheep. The sound was perfect which made a significant difference, I believe.’

‘Solas, teach me that spell later today before I forget to ask again. It’s a marvel of acoustics I haven’t come across before,’ Dorian said with appreciation as they all started to walk towards the War Room. ‘I quite fancy being able to broadcast myself across the magisterium in such a manner. It might actually terrify people into listening for once.’

‘For that fact alone we shall sit down as soon as we’re finished here. Knowing the whole of the Tevinter magisterium will quiver in fear as a result of one of my spell gives me more pleasure than you realise,’ Solas replied in dry amusement.

‘Oh, it won’t be just you,’ Dorian assured him. ‘Now, I saw you start with a thin warp of Storm’s metabolic pathway which, I presume, then acted as a reagent for Force with the subtransfusic energies…’

The sound of the two mages disappearing off into another debate on magic made Lea feel a bit better. Everyone around her was chattering away as if nothing untoward had ever taken place. It was all normal conversation meaning she could pretend for another minute or so that there was nothing major for her to deal with than assignment of duties at their meeting.

‘Leaena, that was magnificent,’ Cullen murmured under his breath and taking her arm so they fell back a bit from everyone else. ‘You are doing so well. I know what you’re upset about and you don’t need to.’

‘But – they saw too, Cullen.’ Her voice was soft, not carrying so far any more as they reached the corridor, passing Josephine’s office. ‘I – it’s…’

A gentle caress just on the inside of her arm made her focus completely on the sparks that flared through her heart at his merest touch. ‘I know. I was there too. Trust me when I say it will all be fine.’

‘……it simply isn’t possible to transcend the electromagnetic spectrum of Storm in such a way!’ Solas and Dorian’s discussion had, as usual, descended into a heated technical debate. ‘We have had this argument before and it isn’t theoretically possible -.’  

‘Of course it’s not!’ Bull rumbled with laughter as he looked at them both. ‘Ready to join the real world with the rest of us?’

‘Frosty, care to explain what they’re on about?’ Varric gave her a wide grin as they all piled into the War Room. ‘Because it all sounded like the usual magic shit to me.’

Lea’s brain and mouth took a few seconds to connect as she had to lean back against Cullen for support. ‘They – they just are discussing the most effective way to combine two schools of magic to produce the same result. And how to draw on energy from the stone of the walls themselves which can then act as speakers.’ 

It was like nothing had changed. Here they were, in the War Room, with the markers all set out on the table, notes pinned to the wall with the various situations the Inquisition was currently focused on. The sun was streaming through the stained glass windows at the back where she usually paced when discussing with her advisors. People were joking and laughing, swapping stories or just reading up on the agenda.

Except they’d now all stopped talking at her words and everyone was staring straight at her.

Still resting against Cullen, she looked back, some banal words about to be uttered when Cadan suddenly walked into the room. She hadn’t realised he’d not joined them straight away.

‘Josie, I’ve left the latest from Teagan about that empty bannorn……’

He immediately spotted her, ignoring everyone else as he walked forward, his arms outstretched, pain at their separation apparent in his eyes.  

At that point, she cracked.

‘Cadan,’ she whispered, falling into her twin’s embrace. ‘I’m so sorry…’

Lea hadn’t realised how much effort she’d put into pretending whilst she stood and delivered a speech to the Inquisition. She’d had to play make-believe, pushing back the reality of dealing with everyone else’s hurt too. In the relative privacy of the War Room, she had no choice but to confront it.

‘There is nothing to apologise for. Maker, when we found you, Lea – I am just glad you are alive.’ Cadan was hugging her so tightly it almost hurt but she didn’t care.

‘I didn’t meant to ignore you – to ignore Trystan or Caya, or mother and father – it just seemed safer, it was so fucked up. There were voices, constant voices, I was so scared, I didn’t want to hurt anyone. It was easier to push you all away.’ She was crying now, remembering how she’d forced herself to burn increasingly desperate letters from her siblings and her parents in case she wavered from her path of self-destruction.

What frightened her the most was how easy it had been to dismiss them all by the end, her family treated like undesirable cuts of meat, cast out of her life and left to rot in the desert sun.

‘It’s in the past, Lea. We understand. You are here now. I won’t tell you to put it behind you, because that is something you have to work through. But we are here and we love you.’ Cadan’s voice wavered slightly at the end as he took her by her shoulders and stood her upright. ‘You look restored to normal – you’ve recovered so well.’ 

‘Solas – Solas literally worked magic,’ Lea croaked, forcing herself to look round as she pulled off her gloves, swiping at her tears with her fingers.

She felt exposed, vulnerable as she turned, all eyes on her and every expression reflecting empathy and understanding. Her tears had dried but they still threatened. She remembered how much each person had given up to join her on the trial by fire ending Corypheus’ reign had proven to be.

‘I – you all – I….let me apologise, ok? I feel like shit for what happened. It doesn’t matter that it was not my fault – I still did it. So let me rant about it for a bit and then we can try and move on. And I owe each and every one of you a debt of gratitude I can’t ever repay. I don’t even have much time because Josephine is going to stick me in a dress and make me eat dinner with a bunch of people I don’t know.’

Lea stayed rooted to the spot her eyes flicking to each of them. ‘Thank you Blackwall, for accompanying me to Denerim on my own. I –‘. He just nodded gruffly in acknowledgement, his eyes not quite meeting hers.

A part of her brain wondered why he’d looked at Cullen at that point instead, but she was too focussed on wanting to make things right with everyone again to pay it much attention.

‘Bull, Dorian – Cole – Maker….’ She tailed off, the horror of what they’d found in Emprise du Lion almost too much to bear.

‘We heard the red song too, Inquisitor. We were there. You beat it.’ Cole’s earnest eyes peeped out from beneath his hat, where he appeared next to Solas.

‘Yea, boss. We get it.’ Bull looked shrewdly at her as Dorian made a small gesture to her for them to talk afterwards. ‘It’s been dealt with.’

‘Don’t even start, Frosty. Later, alright?’ Varric shrugged nonchalantly. ‘Haven’t you got better things to do than beat yourself up?’

‘Varric’s got it, Quizzy - this is way too serious. Arrow in it. Done. Eat some of this – don’t drag out the sad shit.’ Lea jumped as Sera threw a large bag of something at her. ‘Good catch! Now can we talk about something else?’

Lea looked in bemusement at Leliana who was trying to stifle her laughter. ‘Try it, Lea. I think you’ll enjoy it. Sera was insistent we get you some. Cadan arranged for me to have a contact deliver it.’

‘Too right!’ Sera exclaimed. ‘Best there is! Go on then, can’t sit around forever.’

As everyone knew, toffee was Lea’s favourite and Sera had a sweet tooth that no one in Skyhold could match. In front of her was some of the best homemade toffee in Ostwick, made by one of the servants at the Circle who Lea had befriended and then helped escape. She’d told Sera about it one somewhat drunken evening and somehow, she’d tracked down the family and arranged for some to arrive here.

She lifted her head, looking at them all again, trying to find the right words. They clearly were not going to let her continue to flog herself with remorse.

_Isn’t that what having friends is for?_

‘Thank you.’ She glanced over at Cullen with a slightly accusatory glint in her eye, to which he responded with a cheerful grin.

He’d clearly known all along what their plan was. And, to her relieved bewilderment, she found she didn’t mind at all. Spending time with those she was closest to would help, not hinder her. 

She immediately offered the open bag to Sera who took four pieces at once, as the first proper smile she’d had since seeing Skyhold spreading across her face. ‘There’s something missing still.’

‘One step ahead of you.’ Varric went into his bag and produced a bottle with a flourish as Josephine appeared with a tray of glasses.

Lea picked it up, tears pricking at her eyes once more. It was the same whiskey Cullen always bought for her to take on her travels. He was smiling at her evident pleasure that they’d organised a small surprise to welcome her home with. There was nothing more apt too than celebrating with this little ritual, an integral part of her and her companions’ evenings around a camp fire.

‘I believe it’s time for a toast, Inquisitor.’ Cullen passed her a glass as he came to stand next to her, close enough so she could feel the heat from his body wrap around hers. ‘There is one more thing, though.’

‘Make it quick!’ Bull roared. ‘Less of that, Cullen, there’s drinking to do!’

‘Don’t think he needs any ripe peaches,’ Sera giggled, nudging the warrior beside her who seemed to be wishing himself a million miles away. ‘Not like you, Blackwall. Beard and parts and positions is all.’

Cullen merely grinned at them all, ignoring the raucous whistles and bawdy cheers. Two fingers slipped under her chin to tilt her face to his as he gave Lea an electrifying, lingering kiss that sent pure energy racing through her veins.

‘That was just for me before I have to relinquish you once more,’ he murmured so only she could hear.

‘Not just you,’ she whispered, her eyes glowing with pleasure, her demons in full retreat. ‘But I may have to come back for more later.’

‘She’s still my sister, Cullen…..ow!’ Cadan was laughing as Josephine elbowed him in the ribs, she and Leliana sighing at exactly the same time at the romance of it all.

‘Either get a room or get a drink!’ Varric hollered at them amidst all the laughter.

‘Yes yes, whatever.’ she retorted with a smile, raising her glass as Cullen put an arm round her shoulders. ‘So, a toast.’  

There were two people missing. Soon to join them once more, but she felt the absence of Trystan and Cassandra keenly just then.

‘To friends, absent and present.’

They all intoned the words, drinking in silence for a moment.

‘Well that wasn’t nearly enough.’ Dorian picked up the bottle to top everyone’s drinks up. ‘There, that’s better. Let the merriment and bad behaviour commence!’

As Lea sat down next to Cadan, eager to enjoy everyone’s company, her only regret was that it had taken her so long to see them again. Laughing at another one of Dorian’s quips, it dawned on her that she’d give her life for each and every single person in the room.

After all, they were her family too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All verses are from the Canticle of Trials.


	91. When All Else Fails

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. When I wasn't mooning over my portrait of Cullen, I typed too much, inspired by said portrait and other wonderful art. This chapter ended up at over 25,000 words - even I didn't want to publish something that large in one go. So this and the next one all happen on the same day.
> 
> The good news is the second half is only a day or so away - I just need to edit it further :)

‘Zevran’s come back to me asking for support. I’d have his assistance over the Crows any day of the week.’ Leliana moved one of her markers to the top right corner of the map where Lord Enzo was hiding out. ‘I will send agents to act as a distraction so he can slip through their defences. It is an easy enough task.’

‘Are you sure it’s wise for us to get involved in Antivan politics? It is a murky arena at best.’ Josephine pointed out. ‘We don’t want to end up with a tit for tat situation. There’s been plenty of that already.’

‘They are Venatori first and foremost. That’s also why Zevran will do the deed. He can just seduce himself out of trouble if he needs to, but I doubt it will get that far.’ Leliana shook her head with a smile. ‘He tried to do that to Freya when he first met her.’

‘She told me that story. Did Alistair really threaten to chop him in two?’ Leaena chuckled as she looked through her notes. ‘One half for the murder attempt and the other half for the rather suggestive invitation Zevran made Freya to spare his life?’

‘He did, silly boy,’ Leliana huffed disapprovingly, signing off an order authorising the assassination. ‘They weren’t together, Freya can take care of herself and there was already enough blood spilled to have thoroughly ruined my boots.’

‘I guarantee she would have missed it if Alistair didn’t at least make the offer. It’s a lose-lose for us men, you know.’ Trystan countered, looking over to where Cullen was standing slightly apart from everyone else. ‘Come on Cullen, back me up here.’

Cullen’s headache had become worse over the progression of their meeting, coming out of nowhere as they always did. Two tight bands of metal were clamped round his brain and someone had decided to hammer at them – repeatedly. Fun though it would have been to join in the entertaining banter round the War Table he didn’t have it in him to join in.

People sometimes mistook his shortness for surliness, his desire for solitude and his reluctance to take part as aloofness. It wasn’t at all – just something else a combination of lyrium withdrawal and his demons had robbed him of.

‘This is one discussion I am not getting involved in. I’d rather face down a battalion of Chevaliers with my bare hands.’ He caught Leaena’s eyes, dancing with laughter and found himself automatically responding to her smile.

His years of numbness and anger had started to fade in Kirkwall – the day he’d decided to stop taking lyrium one of the most liberating he could remember. But he could trace the desire to have something more fulfiling in his life right back to the day they’d met. The more he’d spent time with a particular Herald, the more Cullen had felt himself return back to the land of the living.

He didn’t feel guilty now in refusing to join people in the tavern or being overly sociable if he needed to take some time for himself. The whole of Skyhold, too, having heard of his refusal to be corrupted by the blue song, was now far more understanding.

‘Quite right too.’ Leaena sensed his discomfort and distracted the conversation away from him, much to his relief. ‘Let’s see you make that offer to Cassandra, and watch how fast she trounces you for such impudence.’

‘Of course she would. I wouldn’t expect anything less. But anyway, Lea, stop derailing the meeting. Don’t you want to hear about Val Foret and Val Royaeux?’ Trystan continued to give his sister an impudent grin as Leaena glared at him, Josephine and Leliana both trying not to laugh.

‘I derailed - ! Urgh, I am not giving you the satisfaction or we’ll be here all day! Tell us then, dear brother. I saw Cassandra earlier – she was disgruntled and pleased all in one when I asked her.’

As Trystan started to detail the results of the Inquisition’s latest results in Orlais, Cullen walked over to stand near the windows and absorb some warmth from the sunlight streaming through. He’d heard this already, and knew what the Inquisition’s next move would be. It wasn’t often he had the chance to observe Leaena without her realising it, and this discussion provided him with a golden opportunity.

To look at her, it was impossible to guess that the Inquisitor had nearly gone insane. She was alert, pushing her thick blonde hair out of her eyes and concentrating intently on Trystan’s words. At both his and Leliana’s request she was wearing armour to give her more protection, slightly flushed pink from the training session she’d had with Bull before the meeting.

He couldn’t help but chuckle wryly to himself. From the moment her sister had replaced Leaena’s wardrobe in Haven, she had worn that particularly provocative style with the sole intention of keeping him thoroughly distracted. She had succeeded beyond her expectations.

Cullen didn’t mind in the slightest, his headache receding rapidly as his eyes roved over her body. Navy blue leather stretched taught over full breasts that fit snugly in his palms, his gaze lingering appreciatively over the curves of her ass as she bent over to point at something on the map.

_Desks are all well and good, but there’s so much more potential right here._

All he wanted to do was get rid of everyone else and see those pert ass cheeks bare, kneeling in front of him on that huge oak table as he put his mouth right up….

_Seriously? Now?_

With superhuman effort he dragged his mind away from that sensational image. Pretending to flick through the report in his hands, he covertly continued to indulge himself in watching her.

Although still on the slender side, her toned figure was almost back to its usual perfection, not a hint left of the emaciated wraith she’d been when they had found her.

_Perhaps she needs more chocolate._

_Perhaps I do as well._

Cullen hadn’t realised how much fun there was to be had with runny chocolate until Leaena had dribbled some on his chest and proceeded to lick it off. She’d then grabbed the pot so he couldn’t reach and repeated the process over his stomach. In both cases she’d insisted that she had to be thorough in case she’d missed a spot, ending up with her hot, wet mouth sliding up and down….

‘Cullen?’

Four sets of eyes were fixed on him, the pair he automatically looked into also burning with the same fire that he could feel smouldering across his lower abdomen. Leaena raised one eyebrow, a slight smile on her face. He watched, fixated as the tip of her tongue slipped across one pink bottom lip, reminding him just how good that tongue felt….

‘Commander!’

‘What?’

Rudely disturbed from the memories of a thoroughly erotic afternoon, his reply was curt as he blinked, feeling the skin on his face and neck ignite as he saw Leliana laughing at him

‘We were just discussing what Corypheus’ next move will be,’ Trystan looked pained, deciding to take pity on him as he gestured to the map. ‘I mentioned that our forces are ready to march on Lea’s order. Once we know what the magister is up to, of course.’

‘That’s correct.’ He could avoid looking at Leaena but the warmth rising through her magic told him she was anything but focussed on the discussion. ‘Adamant denied Corypheus his army of pet demons and with Orlais’ support our numbers match his. He uprooted the rest of them and marched south to the Arbor Wilds where he’s intent on settling in.’

‘I still don’t understand why there,’ Josephine mused with a hint of frustration. ‘We know he’s been ransacking these Elven ruins but for what?’

‘He continues to elude us…..’ A look of irritation crossed Leliana’s face as the door opened.

Morrigan strolled in serenely, ignoring Leliana’s exasperated sigh. It had been apparent from the start that the two women, despite all the time they’d spent with Freya and Alistair, did not get along one bit. Freya, however, trusted her and that had been enough for Leaena. The moment she could she’d sought out Morrigan to spend further time with her and seek her advice.

Cullen shared Alistair’s reservations. Morrigan had her own agenda, that was for certain and if there was one thing he wasn’t happy about it was the slightest potential threat to Leaena’s wellbeing. Allowing someone he didn’t trust to have such close access to his Inquisitor was not proving easy to swallow.

Her arrival had also eradicated his earlier ardour so for that he supposed he should be grateful, if nothing else.

‘Tis best I show you.’ Cullen caught the tail end of Morrigan’s words, gesturing for Leaena alone to follow her.

‘No,’ he said bluntly, Morrigan pausing as she turned and rolled her eyes. ‘Whether I have your good opinion or not is irrelevant to me, Lady Morrigan. The Inquisitor’s safety is my responsibility and I will not see that compromised. Leaena cannot just wander off into the unknown without an escort.’

_Because I cannot bear to lose sight of you. I won’t fail you again._

‘Cullen is right,’ Trystan agreed, his eyes hard as he stared at the witch. ‘My sister has been through too much at that lunatic's hands for us to risk losing her again.’

Leaena put her hand onto his. ‘I am sure this won’t take long -.’

‘Still the same old secrecy, Morrigan?’ Leliana ground out over Leaena’s words. ‘It was naïve of me to assume you might have changed.’

‘From someone who has always been quite the deceiver, I find it difficult to take anything you say seriously,’ Morrigan spat back.

‘That’s enough.’ Leaena interrupted the two women in an argument that had clearly gone on for a decade. ‘I will go with Morrigan and find out what it is that is so important to our finding Corypheus. Cullen will escort me. We shall meet back here once I am finished and then we have another dinner is that right, Josephine?’

‘Correct,’ the Ambassador replied breezily, ignoring the animosity in the air. ‘But not so formal as the one before. This should not take all night. You, me and Cullen shall attend.’

‘What?’ Cullen stared at Josephine in horror. ‘Why do I have to be there? You never mentioned this before!’

‘I assumed you would be there with Lea. I’m sorry. It took me forever to arrange the seating plan and Lady Bernadette is most particular but I can change it over….’ Josephine looked at him, crestfallen, which made him feel about two feet tall.

‘No – I -.’ He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck as he felt awkward all over again. ‘Sorry. You are right. Of course I will be there.’

‘Excellent! We sit down at six. There are drinks before that which you also need to be present for, Lea. Just – please, no armour if possible.’ She looked critically at Cullen’s ever-present sword. ‘I suppose I can excuse your weapon once more.’

‘If we are quite done arranging the Inquisition’s social calendar, I think we should get going.’ Morrigan was standing by the door with ill-concealed impatience, her scathing words to Josephine doing nothing to improve Leliana’s disposition.

Before a fight started again, both he and Leaena left, following Morrigan down the corridor.

‘I don’t like this one bit, my lady,’ he muttered, not really bothered whether Morrigan heard him or not. ‘How can she expect you to just disappear without someone else – me, basically, being there?’

‘It’s alright, Cullen,' she whispered, wanting to keep the peace between the Inquisition and the witch. ‘Honestly. I understand your concerns but it will be fine. Don’t you trust me?’

‘With my life,’ he replied promptly, unable however, to curb his instinct to protect her at all costs. ‘It’s not you that I have trust issues with.’

‘Templars, you are all the same.’ Morrigan sounded bored as she overheard his last comment. ‘What do they teach you in that Chantry of yours? Aside from a hatred and fear of that which is, supposedly, a gift from your Maker in the first place?’’

‘I’m not here to have a theological debate. Let’s just get this over with.’ Cullen refused to be dawn further as they silently made their way towards Morrigan’s rooms.

He was increasingly worried about what might be awaiting them, a feeling that intensified by the alien magic he now could sense. Of course, it had to be behind the door Morrigan had abruptly stopped outside of.

‘It is better if the Inquisitor sees this alone. We do not want to alert the enemy in any way.’

‘You have got to be bloody well kidding me.’ Cullen stared at this stranger in barely disguised fury. ‘You’re taking her somewhere that Corypheus could easily identify her presence – and you just want it to be the two of you? In what universe am I going to agree to that?’

‘It’s hardly your decision, Commander.’ As if Morrigan could sense the terror he felt at the thought of losing her again, her eyes softened – in complete contrast to her previous sneering tone. ‘I can assure you she will come to no harm. We will not be long.’

‘Cullen.’ Soft lips pressed against his cheek as Leaena looked at him, smiling, her hand on his arm. ‘It will be fine. I will be back soon.’

‘But – ‘. He stopped, panic beginning to rise as she shook her head at him.

‘I know. It’s over the top but I don’t want to leave you either, even for a few minutes. We won’t be long though, I promise. Be prepared for my magic to disappear. Then when you sense me again, we shall head back to the War Room together and make a plan to end this for once and for all.’

He could feel Leaena trying to quell her own anxiety at leaving his side as she turned away. Cullen had no choice but to step back and watch her disappear into Morrigan’s quarters.

The door closed and locked with an audible click. Not that it mattered – Varric, Cole or Sera could have it open in a trice, but there was a presence of magic so foreign to him he wouldn’t have wanted anyone to go in there. Least of all his Inquisitor.

In a few moments her magic was abruptly cut off, leaving his brain in horrified numbness as an elemental part of his soul vanished. It was the first time they had been separated in such a manner since he’d found her at the Shrine and Cullen hated it beyond reason.

Daydreaming about Leaena naked had removed most of the headache. The nightmare of her being beyond his reach had it returning in force. It had been this way ever since they’d returned to Skyhold a few days ago. The second she was out of his sight the paranoia kicked in, a hundred times worse than he’d ever experienced before.

Clenching his fists on top of his sword hilt and breathing deeply to stop his tremors escalating, Cullen turned and walked towards the centre of the garden. It was busy, the herbalists at work cutting leaves for the alchemists and Sisters quietly singing the Chant. There was nowhere for him to sit and bring himself back under control.

Chances of him finding privacy decreased further as he saw a contingent of Orlesians from Jader about to descend on the pretty outdoor space. One or two had been hounding him ever since dinner that first night, to the extent of turning up unannounced at his office when they thought he’d be alone.

Heading in the opposite direction, feeling bereft without Leaena’s presence, Cullen wasn’t sure where his feet were taking him so long as it was somewhere he could organise his chaotic thoughts. Ignoring everyone as he made his way quickly along the cloister, he went to the one place that might provide him with some solitude whilst he waited.

There was no Chantry building at Skyhold but Leaena had insisted on an area which everyone could use if they so wished. Often she would pray in her own quarters but sometimes at night she would come down whilst waiting for him to finish work. He rarely ventured here, preferring the privacy of his own space to pay his respects to the Maker. But today, with Leaena in danger and him not by her side – it was the only thing he could think of.

It was mercifully empty. Sunlight and candles lit the cool and shady chapel, the flickering flames lining the aisle as he walked in. His boots thudded on the tiles, echoing almost too loudly in a place designated for quiet contemplation.

Cullen hadn’t been here for months. He also hadn’t come in with the intention to pray, but now he was here he wasn’t sure what else to do. Standing and staring at the towering statue of Andraste, his emotions were in a riot, the stress and anxiety of the last few months surging through his mind in one uncontrollable rush.

Once upon a time, that familiar image before him had meant something.

‘Once upon a time, it meant everything,’ he whispered, his words lingering in the stillness surrounding him.

_But what does it mean now?_

He’d given up his life in service to the Chantry, been so sure – so bloody self-righteous! in his judgements, convinced his path was the correct one. And, one by one, all his pompous, arrogant assumptions had fallen away, leaving only self-doubt and fear.

These last few months had rocked his foundations to the point where he had only questions, with no answers.

Cullen exhaled slowly, struggling to process all that had happened to them both. His faith, once the bedrock to all that had driven him, now left him needing so much more.

_How could you? How could you do that? To her? To us? Is there no end to the torment we have to face?_

Most of the time, he looked at Leaena and just saw Leaena. Even with the scars, he didn’t equate the abuse she had been forced to endure with the enchanting, vivacious lady who laughed and teased him. Her torture wasn’t anything to do with the nurturing, protective woman who held him tight, stroking his hair and kissing his face – loving him when he woke up sweating, shaking and screaming from another nightmare.

And then, when the paranoia struck and the dread raged through his veins, all he could remember was what had befallen them both. He was left reeling, seeing her broken body there on the torture rack, Solas murmuring his horror at the damage Samson had inflicted on the most intimate parts of her body.

His Red Templars had raped her multiple times in the most inhuman way possible. And Cullen was left replaying in his head the knowledge of just how they’d inflicted the ultimate humiliation on her.

He could never tell her. It was his burden to carry alone.

Leaena would never remember. But he would. She’d accused him of being scared to touch her, making things worse between them than they needed to be. And that had been the truth. Sometimes, he still was, for all that things had never been better between them both.

That feeling of futility, that he couldn’t protect her, swamped him once more as his chest contracted. It had been bad enough leaving her to go to meetings in Skyhold even when she was a few minutes walk away. To go and face down Samson and then Corypheus - Cullen didn’t know how he would stand it. She would have to go and face the thing ultimately responsible for the abject misery that they had been subjected to.

And he’d have to stand back and watch.

The day they had left for Skyhold, his words to Andraste had been frantic as he tried to reassure himself that the verses would make a difference. He still believed – Leaena was with him again, after all that their enemy had tried to put an end to them both. But he just didn’t know if it was enough.

_Be honest, Cullen._

_I don’t know whether I am enough. And that is not the Maker’s fault._

He sank down to one knee, his head resting on clasped hands as he closed his eyes.

Cullen was well aware he focussed on Leaena’s safety to the point of irrationality. It used to bother him, that he was being obsessive and not giving her any space to be. She had never seemed to mind in the slightest, always preferring to be with him than anyone else. Still though, he hadn’t wanted to crowd her or give the wrong idea to the rest of the world.

After what they had both been through, the rest of the world could be damned. She had to come back to him and if it meant never letting her out of his sight then so be it. This tiny snapshot he was experiencing now was more than enough to reinforce just how much his own existence depended on hers.

The lyrium was loud in his ears, demanding Leaena’s return, the thirst for the blue poison a relentless clawing in his throat. It would only be sated by her being there, not wandering around with some unknown magic that could hurt her.

_If I’m like this when she leaves for half an hour what will it be like when she goes for Corypheus?_

_Maker, make me brave enough to let her go._

He had no idea how long he kneeled, head bowed, begging Andraste for the courage to see the battle through to its bitter end. It was his responsibility to be Leaena’s rock, to support her when she stumbled.

But he wasn’t sure how much strength he had any more.

The only thing left to Cullen was faith – faith that had guided him through the darkest points of his life when all else had forsaken him. If he didn’t have that any more then he was but a shell of a man, liable to fracture at the first nudge. And that couldn’t be an option.

Just then he felt the heady rush of Leaena’s magic once more, making him shake with the force of its immediate connection to the lyrium inside him. They were the same as ever, separate entities spiralling in joy as they continued their eternal dance, forever binding the two of them together.

The relief of feeling her once more, safe and well, was so intense Cullen couldn’t stop the tremors. It was so powerful he almost wanted to be sick, a potent mix of adrenaline mixed with terror coursing through his blood.

He needed to believe. He should never have doubted.

‘I cannot see the path.  
Perhaps there is only abyss.’

’Trembling, I step forward,  
In darkness enveloped.’

Soft, lilting tones joined his trembling ones as Leaena entered. He could sense her concern and her worry for him, wondering what had happened. It was right alongside her giddy relief that they were back together once more.

‘Though all before me is in shadow….’

She came to stand next to him, quietly waiting. Just as he hadn’t moved the other day, he didn’t move now, breaking off the next verse of the Chant as she reached his side.

Last time, he’d been enjoying the lovely cadence of her song. This time, he was caught up in emotions so turbulent they had rendered him immobile. Hope for the future and back despair at what they had to overcome still were warring for supremacy within his heart.

Normally, he would have carried this burden for both of them, uncomplaining. The devastation of finding his beautiful Leaena, her face and body mutilated and left for dead – knowing how it had happened – he was struggling to come to terms with.  That, combined with the horror of what they had both experienced over those long months, had finally caught up with him.

The reality of what he’d have to endure when she went away once more had just hit – and Cullen had no idea how to cope. Fear had him in its grip, freezing cold tentacles latching onto his heart and needling into his mind.

He was trying his best but, right then, he couldn’t do it on his own. He needed for the will of steel she possessed – the one that had seen her survive Vivienne, Imshael and Samson – to include him, just for a moment so he could recover.

Above all, he had to know that the peace and security Leaena represented would never leave him again.

One arm, then the second immediately wrapped around her waist as he pressed his forehead to her chest, drawing a shuddering breath as her comforting warmth enveloped him once more. Cullen turned his face inwards, inhaling the orange blossoms that followed her wherever she went as he closed his eyes. Her cool fingers, making furrows in his hair, were starting to free the manacles around his brain, leaving delicate sparks of energy in their wake.

He released his grip on Leaena’s waist ever so slightly as she slowly lowered herself to her knees, finally finding the courage to look at her. He’d never seen her eyes a deeper blue than they were then. She had no judgments, only compassion and understanding for the man he was, trapped in the thrall of a living nightmare that refused to release its ironclad grip.

Soft, smooth lips pressed against his slightly chapped ones in a tender kiss, her admiration, respect and awe for all Cullen was – all he ever striven to be – flowing from her soul to his. He absorbed it tentatively at first, then more readily as the ice inside his heart started to thaw.

It lasted for an all too brief a moment before she lifted her head and placed her arms around his neck, her hands cradling his head. As his body bowed into hers, he realised he was shaking as he crushed her up against him, feeling the heat from his unsteady breaths against the exposed skin on her neck.

Cullen didn’t notice the passage of time as he sought the solace he was so urgently seeking, finding all of it and more within her soothing, loving embrace. The still shadows of the chapel sheltered them from the rest of the world, Leaena alone enough to shield him from the demons clamouring to be released from his mind.

All the anger, all the pain and all frantic horror of the last months slowly dissipated as he started to breathe normally, thanking the Maker over and over again for blessing him with this unique, incredible woman, sent to him at just the right point in his life.

He raised his head, not releasing Leaena seeing as she was right where she was meant to be, after all. The kiss that followed was slow and soft, the taste of her light berries and the slightly hesitant slip of her tongue into his mouth banishing his lingering residual headache as his slight moan was caught by one of her own.

The burning need they’d had for one another the moment they’d met was as powerful now as it had been that insane day at the Temple. It was a yearning for her in every sense of the word, and not just physical or emotional. Cullen couldn’t live without Leaena and he would never do so again.

She brushed her lips across his lightly one last time before looking at the altar. ‘I’m sorry I interrupted you. Will you pray with me, Cullen?’

Wordlessly, he nodded as their fingers entwined together. Their foreheads touched as their eyes shut, Cullen joining his somewhat hoarse voice to her musical one as they finished the verse he’d started.

‘Though all before me is shadow,  
Yet shall the Maker be my guide.  
I shall not be left to wander the drifting roads of Beyond.  
For there is no darkness in the Maker’s light  
And nothing that He has wrought shall be lost.’

After the last words tailed off they still knelt there, holding each other’s hands tightly with their heads bowed before Leanea took a deep breath, preparing herself to ask something.

‘Will you tell me what happened? To you?’ she whispered, her anxiety for him clouding her eyes. ‘I know what it’s about. But you can’t carry such a burden on your own. I can shoulder some of it too – even if it is just listening.’

‘I hate to see you worry. Your eyes are too lovely to carry such darkness, my lady.’ The usual strands of flyaway hair had escaped Leaena’s braid which he tucked behind her ear.

‘I would worry less if you told me. Then the darkness would go away.’ Her cheeks reddened even as she smiled . ‘You can’t distract me with such sweet compliments, much though I like receiving them.’

Seeing she wasn’t going to leave the chapel until she had an explanation, Cullen sighed as he stood, helping her to her feet. ‘You aren’t going to tell me what happened with Morrigan either are you?’

‘Not until we talk about you first. Morrigan can wait.’ Leaena shook her head at him, still smiling although he knew how concerned she was for him. ‘You know me too well.’

He was silent for a moment as he thought about what had happened. The boiling pot of emotions he’d been the last few weeks had exploded when he’d seen the door close in his face, but it went deeper than that.

Now he was calmer he could try and sort through it all. Even after all this time, however, he still wasn’t used to articulating his feelings with Leaena, not wanting to place even more burdens onto her shoulders.

‘I’m a big girl, you know,’ she interjected softly, able to read him like a book. ‘You can’t keep protecting me from everything, much though I adore you for trying. Believe it or not, I don’t want to have this side of you hidden from me. It’s a part of you too – and guess what?’

‘What?’ He’d drawn her hand into his, playing with her fingers as he tried to find the right words.  

‘I love all of you. I can’t stand to see you like this, but it is a fundamental element of what makes Cullen, Cullen. It has helped shape you into the very best of the best – the redoubtable Templar, the formidable Commander – and,’ she hesitated, her eyes glowing, ‘my own soulmate. We shall overcome this together, I promise.’

One of her nails slipped along his jaw, the slight pull of the hairs rasping his skin, feeling himself shiver under her light touch. ‘So tell me. What happened?’

‘I – its hard.' He was staring at the palm his thumb was stroking, unable to meet her eyes. ‘I have found being away from you unbearable at the best of times, but then to find you, like that…..’

‘It is an image I struggle to reconcile with the engaged, vibrant Inquisitor who is before me now. For so many months you didn’t communicate, and I thought it was all gone….then the reality of what you had faced – I felt selfish for feeling as bad as I did. You went through so much -.’ Cullen wanted to give up talking. He wasn’t making any sense, the beginnings of frustration kicking in.

‘We both did. Just because your battle is in your mind doesn’t make it any less horrific.’ Leaena’s tone was insistent, not letting him escape this conversation, much to his disappointment. ‘I was tortured. But so were you. My scars have healed physically, as have yours all those years ago. The difference between us is I don’t remember much mentally. But you are carrying the agony of two people inside you.’

‘I do it willingly, Leaena. Never think I don’t.’ He did. He just hoped she would believe him.

‘I nearly lost you once,’ he blurted out, the other problem nagging at him now out in the open. ‘I – I haven’t been parted from your side since I found you. I can’t bear to be – even knowing I can sense you in Skyhold when we are away from one another – I find that difficult. Then, when you just went off with Morrigan and I couldn’t feel you – I knew you were walking into a potential threat? I have never known panic like it. I felt beyond helpless, unable to do anything to save you from harm.’

The anguish within him rose at the thought of events completely beyond his control threatening to take Leaena away from him.

‘Andraste preserve me, I have to somehow find it in me to watch you walk into danger again, against an enemy that nearly succeeded in taking you from me once. I can’t…..how can I?’

Leaena said nothing, just holding him once more. She pressed a lingering kiss into the crook of his neck before nestling her head there, comforting him and reassuring him all at once. Of their own accord, his fingers were tangled in her hair and the other was round her shoulders tightly, the weight of her body reminding him she actually existed.

He was almost scared that if he let go she’d disappear again.

‘Corypheus didn’t get me. You did. We have consistently defeated him and we will win the war. Together.’

‘You have to come back though,’ he replied desperately, not caring whether he sounded unreasonable. ‘You can’t leave me again. Maker save me, I can’t live in a world that doesn’t have you in it.’

‘I will come back. I don’t play to lose, you know that.’ Her words were breathless with their intensity, her eyes blazing flames of blue. ‘It’s – it’s the same for me too. No heroics, Cullen. You have to promise. Please – promise me.’

Cullen was unable to say the words she wanted to hear as they clung to each other, both needing to feel as much of the other person as possible. He couldn’t promise her that – if he thought it would save her life he’d sacrifice his, without a second thought.

‘Why won’t you?’ Her voice was breaking as she fought tears, not willing to accept that any harm could befall him too.

‘I am a soldier. We fight so others don’t have to. It’s what we do. ’ He exhaled slowly, her scent filling his head, bringing him respite as the headache loosened its grip. ‘But I do promise not to take any unnecessary risks. Have you ever known me to do otherwise?’

‘No,’ she mumbled, her face pressed into the fur of his cloak, her breath making his skin tickle slightly. ‘I suppose not. But I am frightened of losing you too, Cullen.’

‘I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make this harder –‘

He was cut off as she stood on her toes to give him a kiss. ‘Never apologise for sharing what’s on your mind. I want to know, not avoid it. Remember our deal?’

‘I do.’ His voice was muffled, not surprising given how he’d buried his head into her shoulder. ‘And thank you. That helped.’

They stood there for a moment longer, appreciating the tranquility of the chapel. Both of them were drawing calm from the other, her love creating the insulating barrier he needed to cope with the terror of the past. He gradually felt the panic that had gripped him earlier recede, the paranoia of her vanishing ebbing away. It was never quite eradicated, but it was chained back once more.

Reluctantly, he released her, not quite ready to let her go, but feeling a bit more normal.

_I will never be ready to let her go._

‘There is nothing to thank me for.’ She looked around wistfully as she stood back. ‘I would so love to spend the afternoon with just you, but we need to talk about what to do next. Meet the others…..what’s the matter?’

Leaena was looking at him, partly confused, partly distracted as a result of having been in his arms. Her head tilted slightly and her eyes were wide as she absently chewed on her lip, playing with the end of her braid.

‘You look adorable when you bite your lip that.’ Cullen didn’t realise he’d spoken out loud, smiling at the sight she presented. He didn't regret it though. She went pink in her pleasure, the whole image far more representative of the person she truly was. It was the total opposite of the mask she donned as Inquisitor.

‘Oh!’ She blushed prettily, returning his smile with a shy one of her own. ‘Erm. Thank you.’

If there was anyone who could make blushing look good, it was her. Happily for Cullen, she did it just for him and no one else. That he could still make her cheeks turn rosy red on occasion pleased him no end.

‘Shall we head back to the War Room?’ He gestured for her to go in front as they made their way out of the chapel.

‘I am so proud of you, Cullen. Are you feeling better now? Honestly?’ Her earnest tone and appreciation for all he'd managed to overcome made him feel humbled. 

There’s something about having kisses from you that improves things immeasurably.’ He grinned, wanting to lighten her mood as she went pink yet again. ‘But in all seriousness, yes, I do feel better. You know I do.’

‘I – well, yes, but I like to hear it from you.’ She pushed open the door as Cullen had to pause a second to adjust to the bright light.

The blackness was banished for now and he felt more positive about things than he had done for some time.

‘I just want to get going now,’ he carried on as they started to walk through the garden. ‘It is past time that we defeat Corypheus.’

She nodded her agreement, unconscious of all the people looking at her with reverence, deep in thought over whatever she’d discovered with Morrigan. ‘Well, we know what he is looking for in all these elven ruins now. An eluvian.’

‘What? Why?’ Cullen had little experience of the network of mirrors the ancient elves used to use, but it was more than enough to know he didn’t want Leaena or the Inquisition involved with them at all.

‘Morrigan suspects Corypheus wants to tear down – ‘. She was interrupted by a young boy running up to her, halting them in their tracks.

Cullen recognised Morrigan’s son immediately, whom Leaena hadn’t yet met. Something about the child was familiar to him but he couldn’t put his finger on why.

‘You’re the Inquisitor.’ The boy blinked at Leaena in surprise. ‘I’m Kieran. Mother never told me the Inquisitor was a mage.’

She smiled, holding out her hand which Kieran shook solemnly. ‘My name is Lea. I’m pleased to meet you. I hope my being a mage isn’t a bad thing.’

‘Oh no, it would be worse if you couldn’t touch magic at all. Like being blind.’ He was looking earnestly at Leaena, who had the same sense of recognition he did.

‘I have never heard a more apt expression. I shall use that when I teach my next apprentice class. You have a way with words, Kieran.’ Both she and the boy beamed happily at each other, Kieran about to say something further when Morrigan’s voice cut across the garden.

‘Are you bothering the Inquisitor, Kieran?’ Morrigan had reached them now, Cullen doing his best to rein in his automatic mistrust.

‘Of course not, mother! Have you seen what is on her hand?’ Keiran replied excitedly, Leaena obligingly raising her hand. The green flames burned brighter for a moment, the child’s eyes widening in amazement which made them both smile.

Seeing such a young boy reminded Cullen of his nephew, wondering how much he had grown. A guilty pang shot through him as he remembered the letter that had been sitting on his bookshelf for months from Mia, unanswered. He made a mental note to write to her tomorrow.

The sensation he was missing something wouldn’t leave him either. It was a certain mannerism Kieran was doing that was just out of his memory’s grasp.

‘I did see.’ Morrigan looked like a completely different person as she spoke to her son, smoothing back his hair. ‘Tis time to return to your studies, little man.’

_Alistair!_

Kieran had just sighed, tilting his head and rolling his eyes, one eyebrow raised. It was the replica of Alistair’s expression when he thought someone, or something, was being absurd.

Leaena had also come to the same conclusion as they both looked speechlessly at Morrigan.

‘My son,’ she stated obviously, for once seemingly nervous. ‘Never where you expect him to be, naturally.’

‘And will his father be joining us?’ Leaena asked pointedly as she found her wits again, her eyes fixed on the retreating figure of Alistair’s boy.

‘I have raised him on my own for quite some time now.’ Morrigan immediately became defensive. ‘As was my preference from the start.’

‘Your preference?’ Cullen stared stonily at the witch, not at all satisfied with her response.

‘What takes place between his father and I is a matter for the two of us and no one else!’ Morrigan snapped, her irritability at so easily being found out making her lose her temper. ‘Now do you want to put an end to Corypheus or is my private life somehow more important!’

She turned on her heel and stormed off towards the War Room, ignoring them both completely.

Leaena was as stunned as he was as she tried to find words to speak. ‘I mean, I know they didn’t get on. But a child? And yet Morrigan is right – it isn’t our business at the end of the day.’

Cullen had automatically taken his friend’s side, and wasn’t prepared to be quite as understanding. ‘Yet she keeps him here openly and has made no attempt that I’m aware of to take Kieran to Denerim. Alistair’s not hiding under a bloody rock somewhere!’

‘We don’t know what they might have agreed.’ They had both started to walk back to the main hall now, in shock at their unexpected discovery. ‘Freya will of course know. But….Morrigan?’

‘She is the last person I would have expected Alistair to sleep with,’ Cullen replied, feeling thoroughly disconcerted. ‘Unless there is another way to make babies that I’m not aware of.’

‘Not as far as I am aware,’ Leaena couldn’t resist a smile at his rather direct statement. ‘But we will have to leave it until we next see Alistair.’

‘It is none of our business, that’s true.’ They were back in the main hall, eyes of each noble following their rapid progress through the hall as he scowled at one or two who tried to come too close. ‘I can’t not tell him that we’ve met his son though. He can tell me to fuck off for interfering, but I won’t regret mentioning it.’

‘Maker, Cullen what did you just do to Lord Philippe? He nearly ripped his overtight breeches in his fit to get away.’ Leaena put a hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle as the arrogant Orlesian ran away from Cullen’s glare. ‘And we do need to say something. Even if he swears at you – which I doubt he’d do.’

‘I didn’t like the way he looked at you. There was zero respect. He’s lucky I didn’t personally toss him out.’ The man had been stripping Leaena naked with his eyes so blatantly half the Hall could tell.

‘Thank you, ser knight,’ she took his hand in front of all the assessing gazes and held it tightly, giving him a radiant smile.

It made Cullen feel like he was twenty, a bumbling young Templar once more, tongue-tied around the girl of his dreams.

‘I – anything for you, my lady, you know that.’ He hoped he wasn’t crushing her hand in his grip. It felt so right to have it there.

‘I do.’ Her face was lit up by her smile, her eyes sparkling as she gave his hand a squeeze in return.

They were walking down the deserted corridor to the War Room at last, Leaena showing no inclination to let go of his hand as she wound her fingers closer.

‘I just wonder what Freya felt about it all. She must know something happened.’ She was pensive, the thumb that she’d slipped between their fingers now circling his palm.

He rather liked it. Such intimate gestures, once second nature to them both, had taken a while to return. Those early weeks of her recovery had been particularly difficult, Cullen never knowing what might induce an anxiety attack in her. Leaena still fought against her monsters, every night, but the difference now was marked.

He’d missed the closeness they’d had beyond measure, and was delighted to have it back.

‘We have to leave it for now, anyway. I am certainly not talking to Morrigan again.’ He sighed, letting her hand drop as he pushed the door open for her to the War Room.

The person they had just been discussing looked at them with ill-disguised temper as Leliana and Josephine stood there, arms folded with expressions like thunder.

‘Finally,’ she drawled. ‘Now perhaps we can get to the real reason I am here?’

‘Morrigan.’ Leaena made a small gesture to Leliana indicating she would handle it. ‘Your personal affairs are your own. You know our backgrounds so you can appreciate why we are somewhat taken aback. We are, however, disinterested in speculation. I want to kill Corypheus and we will decide how, right now. So let us move on.’

Grudgingly, Morrigan inclined her head as she looked at the markers on the table. ‘Corypheus is trying to reach an eluvian in the Arbor Wilds. We need to reach it before he does.’

‘He will try and destroy the Veil from inside the old Elven gateways. And we are going to stop him.’ Leaena put her hands on her hips, staring hard at the map as she moved a marker across. ‘We are ready to march, Cullen? All his armies will be converging here.’

‘We are ready when you give the order. Word must be sent to Orlais as soon as possible.’ He felt a surge of exultation – finally they were able to move and bring the magister down and Leaena would be safe once more.

Josephine nodded her agreement. ‘I took the liberty of sending word to Val Royaeux today. Ser Michel assures me that the Emperor is in readiness to move quickly.’

‘Corypheus has not quite reached there yet,’ Leliana added, gesturing to a swathe of land that covered half of Orlais and Tevinter. ‘His forces were spread thinly and it has taken him time to rally his troops after Samson’s debacle with the Red Templars.’

Leaena said nothing for a moment, walking towards the window and looking outside. All Cullen could sense from her was impatience to be done, but also a huge question mark over what exactly they were going to uncover.

‘Samson mentioned a vessel.’ There was a slight flare of anger as she spoke his name. ‘What vessel?’

‘On that I cannot be sure.’ Morrigan looked as perplexed as anyone else. ‘But one thing is for certain. We must reach the eluvian first. The Arbor Wilds are as treacherous as they are beautiful though, Inquisitor. You will not find it easy to break through.’

‘Corypheus also has a head start on us, Leaena. We need to discuss how best to halt his advance to give our forces time to get there.’ No matter how much Cullen had tried to arrange it in his head and with the others, Leaena’s illness had eaten into the time they had left to outmanoeuvre the magister.  

‘Oh, we will. It’s amazing what motivation can do to make something happen. Let’s figure out this timing issue now. We can find a way around it.’ Leaena’s voice was quiet but filled with deadly resolve.

‘We will put an end to his machinations for once and for all. Rally your troops, Commander. We march in two days.’

She drew a small dagger from her belt and tossed it in the air, watching it land with a resounding thud right where their enemy waited.

At last, after all their efforts and everything they had been through, they were going to attack Corypheus directly. A dizzying surge of relief rushed through him at the knowledge that his Inquisitor would shortly be out of danger. In the not too distant future, they would be free to live as they chose.

_I have waited my whole life for you, my lady._

_Soon we will be together, in every way that matters._

Cullen remembered just then how pretty Leaena always looked wearing white, the thought making him smile as he focussed himself on preparing the Inquisition for its final battle.


	92. High Stakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to the epic and patient Halfblood_Fiend for having a read first and steadying my nerves! http://halfblood-fiend.tumblr.com/ for awesome Inquisition fics with Cullen and others, and also on AO3 (sorry curse of links strikes again). Also more thanks to the equally patient Felandaris again for her support - again on AO3 and http://cullenstairshenanigans.tumblr.com/.
> 
> So yes, part 2 as promised. Complete with card games and NSFW. With a difference I hope :)

‘Why did I agree to this?’ Cullen growled under his breath to Leaena, who had the fakest smile he’d ever seen plastered over her face.

‘Because you wanted a good meal.’ Her eyes fixed on a fruit bowl down the table as she feigned interest in the boorish lord next to her. ‘Aren’t you enjoying the company of the divine Lady Augustine?’

‘Hardly,’ he retorted, refusing to meet the eye of the lady he was sat opposite. ‘As for the meal, you are being sarcastic aren’t you? I could have received something far more appetising in the barracks. What is this – this wafer thing?’

‘Cullen, you have just rudely dismissed the handiwork of the finest chef in Orlais who Josephine wooed here at great expense.’ Her smile didn’t falter as she looked at her plate, containing nothing but tiny lumps of nondescript meat arranged artfully on a tiny square of bread.

The Main Hall had been turned into a banqueting hall, a long table running down the middle of the room. On either side sat members of the nobility from across Thedas. Leaena knew the majority of Fereldens and Free Marchers, which made escaping early even harder as she had to first go round the table and speak to each one in person.

‘Tell Josephine tomorrow that she has squandered precious Inquisition resources. I can produce better than this,’ he grumbled, stabbing irritably at a piece of food that refused to stay put.

‘Yes you could and I wouldn’t be as worried about the food as I would be that demirep.’ Her eyes burned icy flames as she saw the petulant noblewoman glare at them both. ‘Has she succeeded in getting her foot any higher up your leg?’

‘Maker’s Breath! Why else do you think I’ve been sat at such an awkward angle all evening?’ He was so close to Leaena he was practically sitting in her lap, his knees bent round to one side in an attempt to avoid the practiced seductions of the other woman.

‘She is beautiful though. It did cross my mind as to why…..oh – quite so, my lord. I have always found Higheaver particularly clement at that time of year. Why, when we summered there as children….’ Leaena was forced to converse with the Antivan next to her, who was paying far more attention to her breasts than Cullen deemed necessary.

‘Commander Cullen.’ Lady Augustine’s throaty voice demanded he acknowledge her. ‘I was not aware that you were married.’

_Why do Orleisans always ask me these idiotic questions?_

‘I am not yet married, Lady Augustine. But I am already taken.’ He parroted automatically the words he’d repeated so many times at the Winter Palace, the headache Leaena had managed to soothe away earlier returning with a vengeance.

 _My lady_ was a title he reserved for one person and Cullen didn’t give a damn whether he was getting some etiquette or other wrong. His matrimonial plans would only ever be heard by Leaena, whose ears had just turned slightly pink as she overheard his words.

Finally managing to spear the awful-looking concoction onto his fork, he tried not to make a face of disgust as he forced it down.

‘Not married? _Mon Dieu_ , some women do not value what they have.’ Sultry brown eyes with a vicious gleam in them slid across to Leaena before she looked back at him, making what she obviously thought was a seductive pout.

It reminded Cullen of the carp he used to catch as a boy.

Some would call Lady Augustine beautiful. Her voluptuous curves were on display in abundance, the corset of her dress laced so tight her ample bosom quivered with every gesture. He was waiting for the silly strumpet to pass out from the lack of air, while her supposed charms had bored him the moment she opened her mouth.

Refusing to speak unless absolutely necessary, he pushed the terrible food to one side and reached for a bread roll, his stomach rumbling in hunger. Leaena gave a trill of laughter next to him, pretending to be entertained by a terrible joke.

 As he glanced across, it was all Cullen could do to not punch the man in the face there and then – the lord was practically falling down her cleavage. These days, the slightest indication of a man leering at her sent him into a towering rage. Leaena sensed his temper rising and gave his thigh a quick squeeze of reassurance in an attempt to calm him down.

He appreciated her effort, but it didn’t help him in the slightest. He’d never been comfortable with other men making inappropriate advances at her and, after what she’d been through at the Shrine of Dumat, it was all he could do to contain his fury at anyone who even tried.

Before he give the man the comprehensive beating he deserved, a messenger arrived, passing a note to Leaena. Surprised, she smiled her thanks before excusing herself from the noble, his expression thunderous at having been so thwarted. One look at Cullen glowering ominously at him over her shoulder, however, had the bastard in full retreat as he quickly turned his back on them both to annoy someone else.

‘What is it?’ It was too much to hope that the letter would enable him to leave this never-ending evening of social tedium. Wasn’t it?

Leaena was somehow managing to suppress a wave of relief as she quickly scanned the message.

‘Your prayers have been answered,’ she whispered, not needing to ask what had gone through his mind. ‘We have been summoned elsewhere.’

It couldn’t have been anything bad otherwise she wouldn’t have had such a joyous reaction. She quickly stood to announce their departure, passing the note to him so he could read it.

Cullen had to press his lips firmly together to stop himself laughing.

_Frosty,_

_Why are you and Curly starving yourselves to death? Make Ruffles stop talking and get out of there._

_Tavern, third floor._

_And before you protest - you’re the Inquisitor. Make it up._

_Varric_

‘……urgent Inquisition business, you understand,’ Leaena was doing a masterful job of pretending how devastated they were to leave. ‘We are so close to finally ending the threat that has been hanging over us for so long and I must meet with my advisors to finalise details. I am so very grateful for your understanding.’

This time he felt his lips twitch as he saw Josephine, trying to look dismayed but failing miserably. ‘Inquisitor….’ she stuttered, smothering a grin, ‘we have… you need….’

‘Yes, we must attend to this immediately, Ambassador. I understand you may have matters you would like to see to before you join us. Third floor, please, in ten minutes.’ Giving him a smile so radiant it made Cullen’s heart skip a beat, Leaena walked away from the table. ‘I require your escort, Commander. We must make haste.’

Taking his cloak from a servant, he felt able to breathe again as he walked away from the oppressive atmosphere at the dining table, completely ignoring the offer in Lady Augustine’s eyes to seek her out later. He hadn’t even bothered to say goodnight to anyone before he turned his back on them all.

‘Diplomatic as ever, Cullen,’ Leaena didn’t look at him in case she dissolved into hysterics, both of them practically running out of the Main Hall in their eagerness to get away. ‘I think she got the message though.’

‘I couldn’t give a shit. When did I ever ask anyone to grope me out of the blue?’ Just the mere thought of what the stupid woman had tried to do irritated him. ‘I thought the heel of that shoe was going to spike me in an area I would prefer to keep whole!’

‘You have no idea how pleased I am that such a disaster didn’t befall you.’ Her light-hearted mood fled her momentarily, replaced by her formidable temper. ‘She is lucky I didn’t blast her across the room for her impertinence. You should have let me. I can’t believe people think that’s acceptable behaviour, to molest someone like that.’

‘It was best to avoid an incident, my lady. For some obscure reason, that type of behaviour seems commonplace in Orlais but we aren’t used to it.’ He ran a hand across his forehead, trying to get rid of the headache that had not yet disappeared. ‘I am not overly bothered – I’m just glad we’ve escaped. Maker, I hate things like this.’

The guards pulled open the huge doors for them both, raising a fist to their chests in salute as he and Leaena passed through. The freezing night air hit him at last, immediately making him feel less nauseous now he was away from the claustrophobic atmosphere inside.

‘Better now? I’m sorry you had to sit through that. If I had realised they were all so unspeakably awful I would have asked Trystan to join me instead.’ Her hand had snuck its way into his, gripping his fingers tightly as they made their way down the stairs.

He glanced sideways at her, scowling in anger still as she swept her hair over her shoulder in a frustrated gesture.   ‘It doesn’t matter. I would always rather be with you. I can survive a few stray hands and feet if I have to.’

‘I’m glad to hear it. I was feeling rather disappointed that I’d now have to ask your permission first.’  Cullen sensed her anger cooling as her sense of humour returned.

‘You were not included in my edict, Leaena. Feel free to grope me any time you like’ he replied lightly, while beginning to wonder just what she was thinking. ‘Which you should know.’

‘That’s reassuring.’ She leant into him, wrapping her arm round his as they continued to walk. Her cheeks were slightly flushed – and this time not from anger. ‘We have so little time left before we hit the road yet again and I fully intend on enjoying myself.’

Distantly, he acknowledged there would never be a time when his body didn’t immediately respond to her, no matter how subtle the invitation. ‘How intriguing. I’m curious to hear just what type of enjoyment you have in mind.’

‘You issued me with a challenge a few days ago, Cullen. Can you remember what it was?’ Still walking slowly, still focussing straight ahead, her words drifted through his mind as he felt her magic begin to smoulder.

He’d told her to do several things when they were back at Skyhold - all of them thoroughly pleasurable. Just like the morning in question. ‘There was more than one, as I recall. Why don’t we skip the tavern and you can show me?’

Cullen had no interest in wasting time being sociable, not when Leaena was in this particular mood. It wasn’t just about how badly he wanted her, fighting already to control himself.  It was the first time her playful, teasingly sexual side had made an appearance since before the Winter Palace and he wanted to enjoy her, all to himself.

If his heart hadn’t been beating so fast, adrenaline and expectation surging through him, he probably would have wept to see such a positive sign of Leaena’s confidence returning.

_I missed you like this. You have no idea how good it is to have you back._

They had reached the Herald’s Rest but she didn’t reply, continuing to lead him away before stopping in a dark corner opposite the foundry. His anticipation rising, Cullen leant back against the wall, folding his arms as he watched her.

He needed a moment to appreciate just how lovely she looked, especially after the return of such unwelcome memories earlier in the chapel. The horror of Samson’s cruelty was gradually being replaced by images such as these.

Leaena had pulled her cloak off, revealing the simple but elegant dress of navy blue velvet, cut to cling to her every curve as she moved. She didn’t need a corset, her breasts just contained within the low-cut top. Cullen was trying not to openly stare in fascination as they rose and fell with each breath she took. His eyes were drawn to her hips by the silver belt that was slung low around them, her hands toying idly with one of the ends.

Her eyes were sapphire shadows against her ivory skin, almost translucent in the cold light of the moon, her lips curving as she acknowledged his obvious admiration for her beauty. ‘I think not. Tonight I give the orders.’

He said nothing, just raising an eyebrow and keeping his expression impassive. It became increasingly difficult to do so when she stepped so close to him, his nostrils filled with a heady, purely feminine scent mixed with her usual orange blossom. His senses had already started to reel just from looking at her, feeling intoxicated now by the smell of her alone.

‘I won’t show you yet, but I decided to omit a certain item of clothing this evening.’

Cullen had to clench his fists and adjust himself against the wall at that particular piece of information. Orders or no, he was a hair’s breadth from confirming her statement for himself.

She wasn’t done yet either. Her eyes were sparkling, excitement and lust rolled into one. It was an irresistible combination he had no intention of denying himself. Ever.

‘If you know what I want so much, you can prove it to me, tonight. Because, in answer to your question, I am more than prepared to take it all the way.’ Her voice was low and husky as she pressed her pelvis up against the erection he had been powerless to prevent.

Swaying just enough for Cullen to let out a long, tortured breath as his cock swelled further, her smile widened a fraction. ‘Are you ready to play, Commander?’

He would have agreed to anything if it meant he could slide his hand under her skirt, and run a finger along the folds he knew would already be slick and wet.

‘When have I not been?’ Intent on providing her with a modicum of the torment she had him in, he licked his lips slowly, watching her eyes widen a fraction as they followed the trail of his tongue. ‘Name your terms, Inquisitor.’

‘Inside, we will join in a game of Wicked Grace.’ With one last brush of her hips that made his cock jerk against his breeches she stood back. ‘Except you and I will be playing for different stakes.’

‘And what is the prize?’ His voice sounded remarkably normal given he was still battling to get rid of his erection, wondering if he needed to find a nearby snowdrift to jump in.

‘The winner gets to choose the place.’ The only sign that she was as affected as he was by this brief, yet highly erotic encounter was her rapid breaths making frosty clouds between them. ‘And I too, am curious to see just how far you’ll go.’

With a gaze that could have melted the ice surrounding them, she turned back towards the tavern, gesturing for him to follow as she walked off. The dress moulded to outline the swell of her ass with each deliberate sway of her hips, not helping matters for him one bit.

Walking was almost painful.

Cullen was thinking about pretty much anything to reduce the blazing desire that was rampaging through him – cold showers, Bull practically breaking his skull in the sparring ring yesterday, a particularly disgusting vegetable he’d found in his stew that had nearly made him want to vomit at the taste…..

‘Cullen,’ Leaena’s voice was amused as she knew what he was trying to do, the slight breathiness just reminding him of what she would sound like when he started to strip her naked. ‘We need to get inside.’

Giving an inward sigh of relief that his body was once more behaving, he walked in with her through the crowded tavern. Both of them were distracted, lost in shared world of heated expectation, the warmth of her magic merely adding to the heat suffusing him.

They had no need for speech, Cullen just following her up the stairs, making heroic efforts not to reach out and pull her into his arms. She was the one in charge tonight and he would follow her anywhere she wanted just for the chance of stealing a kiss.

‘You made it,’ Varric beamed at them both. ‘Food’s over there.’

They’d finally reached the area where all the others were waiting for them – Josephine somehow managing to have beaten them to it. Which wasn’t surprising given that he and Leaena had taken a rather interesting detour.

‘So what’s all this in aid of?’ He waved at everyone’s merry greetings, heading over to get a tankard and deciding to skip the food.

‘Bonding over beer and cards.’ Trystan grinned cheerfully at him. ‘Don’t tell me you never used to do this.’

‘On occasion.’ Never with the opportunity to win something quite so appealing, however.

He took a mouthful of ale, pulling a face at the taste as he half-listened to the banter going on round the table. It was a nice idea, for everyone to gather once more before they left and particularly to have Leaena there as well. It was a rare treat for him to sit and watch her chatting and laughing with her companions and brothers. To see her unwinding in the company of loved ones was a blessing in itself – a simple activity she wouldn’t have been capable of a few weeks ago.

Cullen found it impossible to relax, however. Leaena had left him in such a state of unsatisfied need all he could think of was the coming few hours and what she had planned. The look of promise in her gaze whenever her eyes met his – which was not frequently enough for his liking – meant he was almost incapable of having a normal conversation.

‘Are you joining in or staring into the Void?’ Varric’s question shook him out of his thoughts as he nodded.

Looking around, he saw the whole table had joined the game, a noisy debate going on down the other end between Sera and Dorian about who had cheated on the last round. The only people missing from the table were Solas and Leliana.

‘Deal me in. I’m just hoping for a better round than the last time I played against you.’ Cullen shook his head ruefully at the memory of how many golds he’d lost before looking at Leaena. ‘Tonight, I’m prepared to take my chances.’

She didn’t turn her head, carrying on a conversation with Cassandra, but the slight flush across her neck intensified.

‘Come the fuck on, Cullen,’ Bull roared at him from the other end of the table. ‘You and the Boss can carry on wherever you want later. Right now, show us the colour of your money.’

Cullen could help but grin at how Bull had unwittingly stumbled on the one thing that was keeping him unfocused. ‘You’re absolutely right. I’ll raise you to five silvers.’

‘Five silvers? Shit.’ Varric sighed, throwing his money into the centre of the table. ‘You’ve either got the greatest hand ever or you’re just bluffing.’

‘I’m in too,’ Blackwall moved some coins across the table, fighting off Sera who was trying to sneak a peek at his cards.

‘I’ll raise you all to six,’ Leaena smiled, looking at Varric even though the words she spoke were for him. ‘This is a bet I’m going to take great pleasure in winning.’

He looked at his cards, reaching for another one from the deck and discarding a Serpent of Avarice as his eyes made their way to Leaena once more. ‘So confident, my lady. You aren’t the only one focussed on victory you know.’

‘Of course I’m not.’ The little dent she got between her forehead when she was concentrating made him want to reach over and smooth it away, before sliding his thumb down to caress the lips that would soon be wrapped around his cock. ‘It wouldn’t be as much fun if it was easy.’

‘It will most definitely be fun. That I can guarantee you.’ Cullen was deciding which card to throw away, just able to see her swallow and shift in her chair, her magic now so hot he was finding it hard to concentrate on anything at all.

People were talking and joking around them but he remained completely unaware, waiting impatiently for whatever she had in store next. Deciding the only thing to do was take another drink, he immediately regretted it, the watery bitter taste about as appealing as the food he’d just left behind.

‘Why am I drinking this ale crap?’ Bull thumped his tankard on the table, startling Cullen away from staring at Leaena’s mouth.

‘Maker, Bull, I could barely walk out last time.’ Cadan had put his hands into his head as Bull let out a hearty chortle.

‘Damned right! You Marchers, what’s wrong with you?’ he jiggled the bottle of whiskey in front of Cadan’s increasingly ill-looking face. ‘Maraas-Lok! And don’t fucking ask me what that means again! Let’s get this party started!’

‘You trying this shit, Curly?’ Varric sniffed at his glass with approval.

‘So long as it’s not that poison Bull fed to Leaena that afternoon, why not?’ Bull was right. Ale was not cutting it tonight.

Cassandra tried and failed to stop a snort of laughter. ‘You were the one who had to come and retrieve the Inquisitor from the bar last time, Commander. I hope it isn’t the same drink either.’

‘I wasn’t that bad,’ Leaena complained weakly. ‘The world had just decided to be a bit unstable at that point.’

‘You can’t talk yourself out of it Lea. You were going around hugging the slightly terrified patrons on one half of the room and blubbering all over the other half, declaring how wonderful they all were,’ Trystan grinned at her impudently, completely ignoring her scowl. ‘And you only had three drinks.’

‘Well, it might have been a bit more – but that’s not the point –‘. She was interrupted as Sera rattled her glass on the table.

‘Less talk, bottoms up. Like the rich nobs but better,’ she chirped with a slight hiccup as they all took the first sip together. ‘All piss and blah blah. Why did you bother with tonight? You’ve got catching up to do.’

‘That’s a good question, Josephine. Who in the Maker’s name were those people passing themselves off as nobility?' Leaena looked enquiringly down the table at the Ambassador, who was mortified.

‘I am sorry for wasting our time, Inquisitor – my information was not as reliable as I’d expected…..’

The whiskey was of top quality and slipped easily down his throat. It was almost unheard of for him to have the time to enjoy a drink or two. Cullen settled back,returning to his favourite activity of Leaena-watching, smiling unconsciously as he saw her animatedly describe the evening’s horrors to Dorian and Josephine.

It was something he wanted to forget about, content instead to see her happy and engaged with her friends. There was always later, when he would take great pleasure in showing her just what she’d unleashed in him this evening.

They finished the last hand, Cole almost fainting in surprise when he won the round.

‘Fascinating though nobles are to the three of you,’ Varric interjected, ‘I say we need to hear a story. Who’s going to start?’

‘I’ve got one,’ Cullen was amazed to hear himself volunteering as everyone turned to listen to him.

But, on reflection, it was perfect. ‘I’d gone to visit another Circle….’

He carried on with his tale, feeling less self-conscious the more he recounted the misadventures of the unfortunate recruit who ended up astounding Templars and mages alike in the dining hall. After he’d finished, to a round of applause and cheers, Varric then recounted them all with a tale about Chateau Haine.

Cullen was only partially focussed on the chatter as he glanced across at Leaena, who was watching him right back. The rest of the table were too caught up in Varric’s superior storytelling skills to pay the two of them any attention.

She stretched and shifted in her seat, Cullen convinced those glorious breasts of hers were going to escape from their confinement.

‘Have I still got your attention, Commander, even after all this time?’ One eyebrow was arched as her finger toyed with her glass, pearly white teeth catching at her bottom lip.

He was suddenly transported back to another time, in another tavern, when he’d been struck by white hot lust at her in exactly the same pose, complete with the exact same smile she was giving him now.

_The day we first started a dance so sensual and intimate, the thought of it ever ending was impossible to comprehend._

‘You never lost it.’ Especially not after that night. And the next day. And every day after that. She’d had him captivated from the first second he’d found himself fantasising - at the most inappropriate time ever - what colour her eyes would be as he carried her away from the rift.

Leaena’s finger caught a drop of whiskey before raising it to her lips. It was his turn to be captivated as the tip of her tongue ran upwards, catching the liquid before slipping the finger in and ever so slowly sliding it out again.

In Haven, he’d only had his imagination and his palm. This time, he knew just how good that hot, wet mouth felt.

‘Just to let you know, my lady Herald,’ Cullen’s voice was rough with raw lust as he leant across the table, tracing a line along her jaw and making her shiver. ‘You are still, most definitely, wanted.’

Following what he’d done that long-ago afternoon, he smoothed a corner of her chin with his thumb before caressing each lip, the very tip of his finger edging inside her mouth.

Like before, she couldn’t help but let her tongue flicker over the skin, her breath almost still as she fought to hold herself back. It was all he could do not to jump over the table, put her over his shoulder and run back to his quarters to continue this in private.

Except, of course, that wasn’t quite the right setting to turn her imaginings into reality.

‘You two love-birds – are you quite done?’ Dorian shouted down the table to them both, Cullen reluctantly letting his hand fall. ‘I bet you can’t even tell me what Varric said can you?’

‘Not a clue,’ Leaena replied vaguely, taking a sip of her drink as she blinked, trying to pay attention to the conversation.

They had been so caught up in each other they hadn’t realised just how raucous the game had become. Most of their colleagues were drunk, having had several hours of drinking time before he and Leaena had joined them.

Although, when he thought about it, Cullen realised he wasn’t entirely sober either. He’d had more glasses of wine than he’d meant to earlier trying to relieve the tedium of the dinner. It must have been why he’d suddenly blurted out that story to the whole table. And why he’d just found himself unable to keep his hands off the Inquisitor in a far more suggestive manner than the kiss he’d given her the other day in front of her Inner Circle.

‘So are we playing cards or what?’ Bull demanded, having skipped using a glass and swigging whiskey straight from another bottle instead.

Trystan and Cadan both stood, shaking their heads.

‘I can’t. I leave for Denerim early in the morning and we have some things to see to before I depart.’ Cadan gave Josephine a quick kiss before waiting for Trystan to join him, Cassandra and Blackwall also taking their leave.

Cole had disappeared and a snore from a corner of the room indicated that Sera had fallen asleep.

‘I’m on it Tiny,’ Varric grumbled, shuffling the cards once more. ‘How we doing this bet-wise then?’

‘I’ve figured out your tells, lady Ambassador,’ Cullen looked across at Josephine who, he knew, was not nearly as useless at cards as she made out to be.

‘Everyone knows a lady has no tells, Commander. And to demonstrate it, why don’t we up the ante?’ There was a gleam in Josephine’s slightly glazed eyes that suggested mischief. ‘Let’s make this interesting, shall we? An item of clothing from the person who loses each round.’ She sat back with a satisfied smile as the room fell quiet. ‘What? I got the idea from you after all!’

‘I didn’t –‘. Cullen didn’t have a chance to say anything further as everyone agreed with enthusiasm.

‘Josephine! I like it!’ Bull gave her a broad wink. ‘I’m in. Who else?’

‘Andraste’s tits, Ruffles! Oh fuck it, why not?’ Varric gave a resigned sigh, starting to deal the cards out.

Josephine didn’t realise it, but her cheeky suggestion merely added to the illicitness of the fantasy both he and Leaena were already acting out. She remained outwardly calm, but the deeper breaths and the firmness with which she gripped her cards betrayed her.

Her dare to him had been irresistible, even without factoring in the combination of alcohol and rampaging want. It had driven any kind of logical thought from his mind.

‘Never say you’re scared of losing, Cullen?’ Josephine’s dark eyes were mocking as she sensed his hesitation.

‘At Wicked Grace? Hardly.’ Cullen threw some silvers into the centre of the table. ‘When it seems like you’ve lost, sometimes you actually stand to gain more.’

Leaena hadn’t looked at him for some time, not trusting herself as she picked up her cards. Just then, however, her eyes darted across to him, a hint of confusion in her eyes as to his meaning.

_You did ask how far I was prepared to take it._

_I’ll just show you._

‘That’s rather philosophical of you for a card game, Cullen.’ Dorian was clearly looking forward to the game playing with the rules Josephine had set down. ‘How delightfully serious you can be.’

‘It’s not serious.’ Cullen was flippant, the comment he’d made intended for another mage entirely. ‘Merely an observation.’

Yet again, he wasn’t really paying attention as they all moved to sit closer together. He was by now so absorbed in her he could barely think straight. Leaena’s laid-back pose as she sat back in her chair was the opposite of how she truly felt. The tell-tale signs of her biting her lips, the way she smoothed her hair back, letting her hand run down her neck – he recognised them all.

Knowing she was sitting there, with absolutely nothing on underneath her dress aside from a pair of stockings, had him fighting every instinct he had to head one floor, unlace her dress and slip it off, his lips and hands exploring her inch by inch.

‘So then,’ Dorian started off, discarding an Angel. ‘I’m all for a bit of flesh being revealed, especially if it’s yours, accompanied by what goes on –‘.

Pulling his brain away from such an enticing image, he had to laugh at the look of glee Dorian gave him. ‘I’m not telling you, Dorian, and that’s the end of it.’ 

The bawdy tales and jokes continued as they carried on with round after round, the women still fully dressed as the men slowly started to shed various items. Cullen didn’t care overmuch – he’d been a Templar long enough to ignore the sight of nudity. Besides, only Leaena naked would ever capture his attention and that wasn’t going to happen here.  

There had been an alternative, even more powerful, motivation for him deciding to take part. He had no intention of Leaena taking off even a stitch. He could sense one small part of her had forced herself to join in, whilst the rest of her had been keen to take part, unwilling to let the terrors of the past interfere with her evening. Cullen wanted her to continue to enjoy herself without worrying about the scars that now only existed in her mind.

The fewer items of clothing he had on, the more she focussed on him and not her residual fear. If she ever found out he was deliberately throwing hands to distract her, she would either hit him or hug him. He would be more than delighted with either. Sparring with Leaena always bought additional benefits anyway. 

‘Blessed Andraste, Varric – a sock?’ the look of distaste on Josephine’s face was pronounced as she gingerly picked up the offending item between two fingers and threw it on the floor.

‘You have to have a sock, Ruffles.’ Varric groused, his boots already gone as he suffered the same misfortune with his cards as Cullen. ‘You said an item of clothing. You didn’t specify which one, or when. My jacket stays put. Unlike Curly’s.’

He was down to his shirt and breeches, Leanea by now unable to look at anyone but him as he felt her desire soar with each item he’d removed. Even when he’d pulled off his socks – mirth lighting her eyes as he bore the ribald jokes from the men round the table with great fortitude.

It meant more to Cullen than she would ever know – to see her happy and untroubled, taking pleasure in the company of her friends. If it meant he had to get naked and lose, he’d do it.

There was a bonus, of course. He’d wanted to see what she had in mind all evening long. This way, he’d get to find out the full extent. At the flames flickering in her eyes, he was gratified with the way things were going.

‘My hand, I believe.’ Leaena revealed her cards, looking at Cullen’s completely random selection he’d gone out of his way to put together. ‘Luck is not with you tonight, is it?’

‘That, Inquisitor, is a matter of perspective.’ Her mouth slammed shut as she swallowed, the meaning of his words from earlier beginning to dawn on her.

Pulling off his shirt, he was pleased to see how hard it was proving for Leaena to sit there and watch him strip off to nothing. He knew exactly what she wanted to do and pushing her in such a public way was adding to the flow of energy that was surging between the two of them.

A wolf whistle from Bull and Dorian at the same time made him chuckle as he sat back down.

‘You are shit out of luck tonight, Cullen. Although,’ Bull looked at Leaena whose skin had turned a delicate shade of pink, ‘I suspect you have a different agenda. Just like our lady Ambassador here.’

‘Are you accusing me of cheating, Bull?’ Josephine sounded scandalised as they started the next round.

The banter continued on around Cullen as he figured out a way to lose the next hand. He was beyond impatient to end this now and have Leaena to himself. She had something in mind, and he knew what at least half of it was.

_My quarters, having to stay silent, struggling not to scream as my fingers rubbed her clit, her pants soaking wet…_

The question was, where? Trying his very best to not think too much about having a moaning Leanea wriggling under the touch of his hands, he stared at his cards, willing the world to go away so he could put his thoughts into practice.

‘Curly, you suck at Wicked Grace, did you know that?’ Varric chortled as Cullen stood, unlacing his breeches and pulling them off with a cheer of approval from the table.

‘No complaints from me, Cullen. Let’s do this the next time we play chess.’ Dorian was only slightly more clothed than he was.

‘If we do, then I think you’ll be the one getting undressed, not me.’ Cullen retorted good-naturedly, throwing away a serpent and reducing the excellent hand he’d had down to a random collection of cards.

_I can’t be that drunk._

The picture on one of his cards had changed. Deciding that was impossible, he rubbed his eyes and looked again.

The Knight of Dawn had disappeared, a completely different image in its place.

He looked up at Leaena sharply, her face serene as she flicked her hair back. Two faint spots of red on her cheekbones and the lightest touch of residual magic was all that gave it away. He’d been so busy wondering how quickly they could get away he hadn’t noticed her cast.

Cullen glanced at the image again, a smile slowly spreading on his face. It was no surprise she’d picked the place she had. Leaena had taken him on a highly pleasurable trip down memory lane tonight. For him, the evening was only just beginning. She had done this on purpose – using some of her innermost fantasies to conquer the monsters that still tried to defeat her, hoping he’d help her along her way.

As he looked up, the picture fading off the card, he caught the expression in her eyes. For a split second all her vulnerabilities and insecurities were revealed, frightened that she had perhaps pushed him too far as the months of abuse refused to completely dissipate from her mind.

Varric and Josephine had, for reasons that could only be blamed on alcohol, launched into a heated discussion on the best way to shuffle the pack. Oblivious to everyone, he reached out for her hand, which she placed tentatively in his. She was battling against the need to flee and hide away, just as the old Leaena used to.

His thumb started to massage her palm, cool against the warmth of his. Her panic was still there alongside an incandescent storm of blue fire, her bottom lip trembling slightly as her emotions rioted between longing and anxiety.

‘You trusted me back then,’ he said softly, reminding her of their first morning together. ‘Do you trust me now?’

‘Always,’ she whispered, her frown disappearing at the mention of the early days in Haven. ‘I just – I want – and it’s – ‘.

‘We will force nothing, Leaena.’ He could feel her slowly calming down, returning back to the present as she sighed, casting her eyes down for a moment. ‘You are the one giving the orders, remember?’

The smile on Leanea’s face when she finally gazed back at him had Cullen struggling to control the blazing flames searing down his abdomen. ‘When I suggested you prove it, I wasn’t expecting quite so – emphatic a display.’

Much to his delight and relief – for her sake rather than his – Leaena had decided against running away.

Before he could reply, a glove sailed through the air, hitting him on the side of his head.

‘For fuck’s sake you two, could you just get a room already!’ Bull hollered at them both, the others all poised to pelt them with various items of clothing. ‘Sort it out, one way or another – we’ve a game to play. It’s your turn, Cullen.’

Finally, he could lose and they could be on their own. ‘I’m done. That was another horrendous hand for me.’

‘Never bet against an Antivan, Commander.’ Josephine was gathering her winnings smugly as Cullen folded. ‘And now the clothes. You remember the rules.’

‘I have had a most unfortunate night with the cards, haven’t I,’ he responded blithely, showing them the utter rubbish that he’d been carefully accumulating.

‘Yeah. Most unfortunate.’ Bull was grinning at Leaena who was refusing to look at anyone as she sat upright, smoothing down her dress. ‘Let me guess, you’re going to wait here awhile. Anyone would think you both planned it this way.’

‘I have no idea what you mean.’ Leaena poured herself a small measure of whiskey, sitting back and looking at Cullen, her lips slightly curved as she tried not to sound too eager. ‘You still need to pay up, Commander.’

‘Not a word, dwarf,’ he quipped jokingly to Varric who had averted his eyes whilst Cullen unashamedly pulled off his shorts, bundling them up and aiming them straight at Josephine.

He stood, smirking as Josephine shrieked and jumped up in horror, just managing to avoid the offending item. Her eyebrows shot up and her eyes widened before she rapidly averted her gaze from his now fully naked form. ‘Aaah - well done, Commander. Everything is erm – in order. I believe that settles matters.’

‘If you’re going to challenge a Ferelden, Ambassador, you need to be prepared for the consequences,’ he countered cheerfully, not bothering to sit back down as Josephine looked at everything but him.

Leaena and Bull were by now shaking with laughter as Josephine tried to walk backwards with her eyes closed, Dorian just managing to stop her from falling over a chair whilst he wrestled with his shirt at the same time. For the sake of Josephine’s safety, Cullen decided to place his hands over the parts that were causing her the most consternation.

‘I’m not sticking around to watch your walk of shame to the barracks, Curly.’ Varric chuckled as he pulled his boots back on. ‘I’m also not sure I want to know why you played so poorly.’

‘Nor I you,’ Cullen lowered his voice for a moment as he sat down once more. ‘I appreciate it, Varric.’

‘Any time. It seems to have helped her. Just, you know. Keep your pants on in the future.’ The dwarf looked across to Josephine who had draped her arm around Dorian. ‘And by Andraste’s sacred knickers, keep her away from the booze!’

‘I want to see Cullen’s walk. Shameful is not what I’d describe it as,’ Dorian protested as the two of them teetered at the top of the stairs. ‘You still haven’t told me what all you Templars get up to in those shared quarters of yours.’

‘Some things remain sacred between Templars, Dorian. You’ll just have to use your imagination.’

His words weren’t aimed at Dorian either. He couldn’t resist teasing Leaena even further with his suggestive comment, sensing with amusement that she had indeed picked up on his meaning.

‘So unfair of you….’ Dorian was slurring slightly as Bull picked him up and carried him off, whilst Varric gave Josephine a shoulder to lean on, the four of them waving goodnight and disappearing down the stairs.

At long last, it was just him and Leaena.

Cullen looked over at her, smiling at the blatant arousal in eyes that were devouring the sight of his bare chest and arms.

‘Should I be put out that you hurled your shorts at poor Josephine instead of me?’ she murmured, the heat of her gaze leaving scorch marks on his skin. ‘Although it was very well done. I doubt we’ll be hearing more calls for strip Wicked Grace in the future.’

‘I’ll have to find other ways of throwing my clothes at you in that case, seeing as you’ve missed out on such a golden opportunity tonight. Although I’ll hope you’ll spare me my blushes and a certain part of my anatomy and lend me your cloak.’ He ducked as she threw it over to him, laughing.

_Sweet Maker, I live for that smile of yours._

It made Cullen absurdly happy, to know he’d made her laugh, all her lingering doubts and uncertainties finally vanishing.

‘This has to be one of the most hilariously random evenings I’ve had in my life. I’m actually sitting in a tavern with you, having just seen you lose spectacularly at Wicked Grace, while you’ve ended up stark naked.’

There was nothing but appreciation in her eyes as he rose, her gaze lingering over his cock that was starting to swell at the sight of her hungry gaze alone.

‘If you keep watching me like that I am going to embarrass myself far more than if I get caught wearing your cloak.’ Cullen grinned as she gave a small pout of dissatisfaction. ‘How about we get out of here and onto our next destination?’

‘That is the best suggestion I’ve heard all evening.’ Leaena found Sera’s jacket and had tucked her snoring friend up warmly.

‘Shall we?’ She walked towards the stairs leading up to the battlements. ‘Wait a moment – can I cast on you?’

At his nod, she gave a small frown and then waved as he suddenly felt warmer, his skin prickling. ‘There. That should last for around ten minutes.’

‘Thank you. And for the love of the Maker, let’s get a move on!’ They quickly ascended the stairs, Leaena peering round the door first to check for patrols.

‘We’re good for now. Let’s go.’ She grabbed his hand and they set off at a run towards the next door.

Fortunately, her spell was preventing the freezing cold stone from destroying his feet, the makeshift cover of her cloak just about staying secure. The sheer bizarreness of the situation started to catch up with them both as they hid in the shadows of the next tower, staring at each other in bemusement before Leaena’s laughter finally bubbled over. 

‘Cullen,’ she gasped after a minute, wiping the tears from her eyes, ‘oh Maker, this is too funny….the Commander skulking around Skyhold with only the Inquisitor’s cloak wrapped around him after a game of Wicked Grace! Oh my sides…!’

‘I am most grateful to you for saving me from the ultimate humiliation.’ Her good humour was infectious, Cullen no longer able to keep a straight face either. ‘I don’t think I could live it down again.’

‘Hang on – !’ Awareness dawned in her eyes. ‘You’ve done this before. It was you, wasn’t it? The recruit?’

‘Guilty as charged,’ he confirmed, setting her off once more as her eyes danced with merriment at the scenario he’d described earlier. ‘But it was worth it, just to see the look of shock on the Knight-Commander’s face. I was in so much trouble later. It gave me a hatred of night duty forevermore.’

‘I – you…..shit!’ she looked around for a way to escape, the path to his tower now blocked. ‘I hear a patrol…..this way.’

They darted through another door, both of them choking on their laughter now at how farcical their situation was. Leaena had slipped off her shoes to stop making noise as they weaved their way back to the Main Hall.

‘Don’t get me wrong – I’m not complaining about my view. But I’m glad you have something to protect your modesty with,’ she whispered as they made it down to the Chantry garden.

‘My modesty?’ He chuckled quietly. ‘Leaena, are you ninety? What bothers me is my troops seeing me running around Skyhold, somewhat drunk, being towed around by an equally tipsy Inquisitor. I can’t be bothered to explain myself. Particularly not if they were to find out the reason why.’

She flashed him an impish grin as they reached the door to the main hall. ‘They aren’t the only ones who want to find out more. Well in that case, stay behind me whilst we dodge around the pillars to my quarters…’

‘Your quarters?’ He’d come to stand right behind her, both of them in shadows behind a pillar. ‘Are you tired?’ 

As she turned, her eyes widened, not realising how close he was. ‘I thought – maybe you might want to -.’

She tasted of berries with just a hint of whiskey, Cullen no longer caring whether they were seen any more. One hand went round to the back of her neck and the other on her ass as he finally felt her press up against him. She had tempted him beyond reason the whole evening long with every gesture and insinuation, and he couldn’t wait any longer.

He had his hands full of a very aroused Inquisitor pulling his head closer to hers, her tongue slipping inside his mouth and her breasts pushed up against his chest. She then put her legs between his, her pelvis grinding slightly against the erection that had appeared the moment their lips had met.

‘Leaena,’ he whispered hoarsely. His mouth was unable to obey the instructions of his brain as he went to kiss her neck again, encouraged further as her fingers started to claw through his hair. ‘I rather liked the suggestion of my desk. But if you keep that up I guarantee you we’ll get no further than this spot right here.’

If he’d been trying to restrain himself before, her next words left him almost incoherent, his blood turned to liquid fire as it raced through his veins.

‘Is that so? It would seem I’m not the only one that craves the high from such a risk. Am I, Commander?’

Low, breathy tones tickled his ear, the velvet fabric of her gown teasing his already sensitive nipples. ‘I know exactly what was on your mind earlier. It’s the same thing in every meeting we’ve ever had. Even in Haven.’

_Oh shit….does she mean……_

‘I’ve been waiting to put certain ideas into practice for a long time.’ She had slipped her hands down onto his ass underneath the cloak, her palms warm against the chill of his bare skin. ‘And now, I have the opportunity.’

When Leaena decided she wanted something, she went all the way. Thank the Maker.

Cullen couldn’t speak. She did mean. Since the first moment Leaena had sauntered into the operations room in Haven, he’d lost count of the amount of times he’d wanted to get rid of everyone else and have her naked body under his, sobbing his name on that huge table. Now he finally could.

‘Inquisitor, I am yours to do with as you will.’  Whether his voice was rough from the alcohol or from the sensation of a hand toying with the skin at the very top of his thigh he had no idea.

But he knew that if they didn’t move then he would be lost.

‘Good.’ A series of wet, soft circles just behind his ear accompanied words that made him suck in a deep, juddering breath. ‘Because I want you. Now.’

He didn’t need any further urging as they snuck in, hiding in the shadows of the now empty space of the Main Hall. There were only four guards by the main door at this time of night, one on each side of the entrance.

Leaena took his hand, walking as close to him as possible as they dodged between the tables at the sides, clinging to the shadows of the wall. She was so near each calculated brush of her body against his was adding to the discomfort his erection was currently causing him. She knew exactly what effect she was having and was thoroughly enjoying herself, knowing he wouldn’t do a thing until she told him to.

Suddenly she pushed him against the wall, cold stone scratching his back and her palms on his chest, her teeth pulling gently at his bottom lip slowly. One hand slipped underneath the thick wool of her coat, the knot holding it around his waist almost coming apart. Cullen’s knees almost buckled as a nail trailed along his cock, joined by another as they made languid patterns over his balls.

Before he could process any kind of thought she’d placed her mouth over his, capturing his low groan just in time as one guard passed them. The darkness of Leaena’s dress covered just enough of his upper body, saving them from being caught.  The air around them both was alive with energy, Leaena not moving even after the guard had moved away from them.

‘Anyone would think you wanted to be heard. Perhaps you do.’ Her eyes were glittering in the darkness as one finger continued its journey along the shaft once more. ‘You’re a bad boy, Commander.’

She had repeated back to him, almost word for word, what he’d said when he’d uncovered just how much she wanted to push her sexual boundaries. Watching her embrace this side of her personality at last, the two of them now so in concert with one another, rendered him blind in his undying devotion.

Looking around her quickly, she laced her fingers through his once more. Instead of walking off, however, he felt the push of cloth and then the smooth, slippery feel of heat and softness as she put his fingers on her already soaking folds.

It was only by clenching his jaw and gritting his teeth tight that Cullen prevented a tortured sound escaping him as Leaena gave him a wicked smile. Her fingers were on top of his, pressing them down as she used them to slowly slide over her clit. ‘This is how much I want you. I’ve been this wet from the moment we stepped outside the Main Hall.’

Her other hand encircled his shaft, her fist firmly wrapping around its girth as she stroked him with excruciating deliberation. ‘I’m still not convinced how much you want this, however. You’ll have to tell me.’

Cullen’s whole body tensed to avoid not reaching out to grab her and thrust his cock inside that hot, moist warmth and showing her exactly just how badly he did want her.

_Andraste save me…._

She removed her hand and put his two fingers in her mouth, yet again another form of delicious agony as her tongue lapped at his fingers, slipping them in and out of her mouth. Cullen was mesmerised, staring at his fingers being sucked clean, sliding between lips that were swollen and dusky with her own desire.

‘I think it’s time to go, don’t you?’ She kept hold of his hand and led them both further away from the guards at the other end of the hall.

It was an agonizing walk to the door, but they finally did, Leaena opening it slowly and praying Josephine wasn’t in her office. Their luck held as they entered the dark, completely deserted corridor. She cast a small muffling spell to prevent anyone hearing the door close and then took his hand once more. He could sense her relishing in the thrill of it all, knowing she had something in mind but unsure what it was.

To see Leaena in such a mood as this, where she took total control, had become increasingly rare in the weeks leading up to the horrors of the Winter Palace. He’d often wondered if she would feel able to ever do so again after the Shrine of Dumat.

It was intensely private, something only shared between the two of them – but so fundamental to her overall confidence and self-esteem. Even in spite of his overwhelming need for her now, the sense of elation that he’d felt earlier rushed over him once more. His Inquisitor had overcome so much, to reach this point once more. Pride was a strange emotion to feel when he was this close to losing the last vestiges of his control, but it was most definitely there.

When she was happy, he was happy, and he would do anything in his power to make that happen. It was as simple as that.

Gripping hold of Leaena’s hand once more, they finally made it to the War Room, the door closing with a thud. The moonlight filtering through the windows cast dark silhouettes from the statues across most of the room. The table they had often taunted each other with – the one he’d been daydreaming about having her on earlier that day – was right there, the markers just where they’d left them.

He stood back against the wall, watching her as she firstly moved all the markers to one side and rolling up the map, before walking to the windows. The white glow illuminating her made Leaena’s beauty ethereal and Maker-sent, her blonde hair hanging long and loose down her back glowing so brightly she radiated light.

The smile she gave him was the opposite of innocence, the flames already shooting through his blood intensifying as she walked back. Stopping and sitting on the edge of the table Leanea hitched her skirts right up to the tops of her thighs, the contrast of her pale skin against the black stockings making his hands tremble with the urge to caress the skin underneath.

With her legs spread slightly and an abundance of leg now on such tantalising display, the ethereal goddess had gone. He could see her nipples, firm and clearly visible through the fabric as she leant on her arms and arched her back, the sinful smile on her lips completing the picture of delectable temptation she now represented.

She gestured for him to come over, hungry eyes devouring his nearly naked form as he approached. ‘Shy all of a sudden?’

Her finger was stroking the scar over his lip, with just the faintest smell of her juices firing his senses as he stood between her legs.

‘Not at all.’ He was hiding his clenched fists as she moved her hand down, almost unconsciously playing with the line of dark blonde hair on his lower stomach. ‘Although you do have a significantly greater amount of clothing on than me.’

‘I do don’t I?’ she murmured, watching her nails still dragging across his stomach before she reached over and undid the knot holding the cloak over him, placing it beside her. ‘But I prefer seeing you like this more. And Cullen?’

‘Yes, my lady?’ That finger had returned, tracing patterns over his balls, a blazing trail of energy following each stroke that made his cock jerk of its own accord.

‘I’m fascinated to know what it is, exactly, that remains so sacred between Templars it requires that much imagination. Soon, you will tell me.’ Her fingertip had caught the drops of clear moisture on his head, Cullen forcibly reminding himself to close his mouth as he watched her lazily lick them off.

‘Tonight, however, I am interested in you. Swap places.’

Disappointed she was covered once more as she stood and spread the cloak out on the table, he was about to object until he was left dumbstruck. There was the heat and the wet his body had been demanding, making him push his hips forward involuntarily as she swirled her tongue over the head of his cock. It was over all too soon before he let out something between a hiss and a groan, warmth now spreading across his balls as her mouth closed over each one.

‘Shit, Leaena.’ He groaned, his hands gripping the side of the table as she took both balls in her mouth, suckling gently on each one. ‘that….you….’

He almost whimpered in dismay when she released them, standing up again.

‘I have an even better idea.’ That smile was back, the one that told him she’d had something planned all along. ‘Help me with my laces?’

She turned her back to him and pulled her hair over one shoulder. As his lips pressed against the exposed nape, she shivered, leaning into him and needing to be closer as Cullen rapidly undid the back of her dress. Finally, he was able to do as he’d been wanting to all night, easing off the dress slowly, the smooth ivory skin flushing a light pink wherever his kisses had just been.

Leaena’s recovery had been remarkable, only traces of fine silvery scars remaining across her stomach. His heart contracted every time he remembered how scared she had been that he’d be repulsed by her, unable to separate out the person from the abuse. It had never even entered his head.

He’d only ever looked at her as the woman he loved and adored, the fear he’d had of hurting her immediately disappearing at the silent plea in her eyes that night at the cabin.

‘You remind me of an angel,’ Cullen whispered as he freed both her arms, the material now gathered around her waist as he caught the weight of each breast in his palms. ‘A particularly naughty one.’

His thumbs lightly flickered over the hard nipples that he’d stared at for most of the night. Leaena’s ass was pushing gently into his cock as she rested against him, her head falling forward and her breathing rapid as he continued to roll her nipples lightly between his thumb and forefinger.

It was hard to concentrate on much at all, the scent of her filling his brain to the exclusion of all else.

Cullen’s hands ran slowly down her sides to her hips, pushing the dress down further until it pooled on the floor by her feet. ‘I think you can tell just how much I approve of this side of you.’

She turned back around, kissing him gently as she stood nearly naked, lifting one leg so her foot rested next to his hip. ‘Could you help me with my stockings too?’

No, he couldn’t. Because he wanted to pick her up and slide those moist wet lips he could see so clearly now, right over his cock and watch her writhe as he massaged her clit.

But he was following her lead. With difficulty, his fingers slipped under the sheer fabric, managing to ease one down. He then had to go through the agony again, with exactly the same tempting view.

Her smile had widened the more she watched his breathing become uneven, his eyes fixed on one particular part of her body.

‘Lie back. Across the whole table.’

_The whole….why?_

Cullen managed to drag all of himself onto the solid oak slab, lying on top of her cloak. Staring at the domed ceiling he started to feel silly as he lay there, stark naked on the War Room’s map and not sure quite what to expect next. He didn’t have the excuse of alcohol – the mild inebriation he’d felt had vanished the moment he’d kissed her outside.

‘Holy fuck!’

What he got was so far from what he’d imagined, it left him shaking with the force of his arousal.

Leaena had lithely swung herself on the table, presenting him with an even better view of swollen, slick outer lips as she straddled him, a trail of wetness already across the tops of her thighs. She was on her knees, her ass raised as she looked over her shoulder, one hand already working his cock.

‘Is there a problem, Commander?’ At the astounded look on his face, she gave him a mischievous grin even as her eyes darkened with excitement. ‘You do know what to do, don’t you? Or do you need a diagram?’

‘Do I – what?’ The sight of her in such an inviting pose had addled his brain, all the blood rushing instead to his groin.

Then her words sank in as he shook his head wryly, the warmth Cullen felt spreading in his heart completely separate to the electricity sparking through his abdomen. At the sight of her playful smile, he knew then that all of his Leaena had returned to him at last. That she could be this trusting with him once more was something he’d despaired of them having again.

They both had a long road to travel still, yet here she was.  On the War Room table, of all places, on her hands and knees in the most provocative position possible, indulging - with him - in one of the more outrageous escapades they’d ever embarked on. That was definitely progress.

‘You are a saucy wench, Inquisitor.’ His hands lightly stroked over the plump cheeks of her ass, the hint of a musky-sweet smell enticing him in further. ‘How about I demonstrate for you and let you be the judge?

Cullen raised his head slightly, catching one drip of juices with his tongue and brushing over her clit, smiling to himself at her immediate quiver. Her hand on his cock was then replaced with the heat of her mouth once more, his head falling back with a slight thump against the wood with a strangled exhale.

Managing to recover and positioning her better, leisurely licking the sweet and salty wetness around her outer lips clean, just avoiding her clit as she started to wiggle her hips to get closer. He was happy to oblige her, wondering if she was aware just how erotic a sight she’d presented him with. Then he had to stop for a second, fighting to concentrate as he felt a tongue slide down over his balls again, tension rising across his stomach and making his cock throb in response.

Before he got carried away, he stopped himself, wanting to appreciate his view for a while longer. It was an idea that rapidly backfired on him. As two fingers slowly circled on her clit, Leaena moaned, the vibrations and the insane heat from her mouth making his hips thrust upwards.

The head of his shaft sliding across the roof of her mouth, with her tongue swirling over the sensitive sheath felt too good for him to stop.

‘I know you like it when my cock hits the back of your throat. I’m watching you get wetter and wetter each time.’ His rough voice was still, somehow able to speak as his hips raised up again.

‘And you – you have no fucking idea how incredible this looks.’ Cullen was riveted, staring at the delicate skin of her tight entrance now wrapped around the two fingers he couldn’t resist slipping in.

He slowly twisted them back and forth into the velvet softness, his other hand spreading her ass open slightly so he could see the glistening folds better. A low wail of protest from a mouth full with his cock then became louder. His fingers, now drenched, had started to circle skin he’d pulled taught around her asshole.

‘Ohh that feels –‘. She slumped forward onto his body just as he’d tucked his arms under her thighs and pulled her swollen clit right to his face.

It had been the sight of a gleaming strand of wetness falling into his mouth that had him feverish, unable to wait any longer. She writhed, pushing herself against his tongue, her moans increasing as she took his cock back in her mouth once more. Her saliva was coating his balls, her nails digging into his ass as her mouth swallowed his whole shaft time and time again.

For the second time that night, Cullen was hard almost to the point of pain. His whole face was buried between her legs, stroking upwards from her now swollen clit to her asshole time and time again as she squirmed in response, her moans getting louder and more frequent.

Leaena’s visible enjoyment of what she was doing to him was further escalating his own mindblowing pleasure, the salty-honeyed taste of her juices smeared across his chin and nose. With each rub of her clit he felt her shake, before running each one of her silken folds repeatedly over the length of his tongue. He was becoming sloppy as he suckled first on the nub then her inner lips, more of his face becoming stickier as he greedily savoured every drop.

‘Where – where are you –‘. Cullen was suddenly cold, his whole body protesting at the abrupt end to something so incredible as she abruptly lifted herself up.

Gingerly, she swung her legs around, on both knees by his stomach as she turned to face him. She looked down at him as she pushed her hair back, her breasts just begging for him to sit up and capture each rosy nipple in between his lips.

‘I think it’s time you told me how much you do want it, Commander.’ That nail yet again was drifting over his balls was sending flames of need right up his body as his chest constricted. ‘I may need a little more convincing.’

Lying there, on the very table where he’d daydreamed so often about how he would make her as wet as she was right now, he found himself lost for words. It wasn’t just because he was frantic to feel the slick heat that had been pressed into his mouth seconds ago.

Leaena had literally taken his breath away.

She had a sensuous smile playing across her lips, watching his cock twitch uncontrollably as his hips kept shuddering with each touch. This angelic siren was unrecognisable from the terrified, fearful caricature of a few weeks ago and he thought his heart would burst from pride at everything she had overcome.

She was killing him slowly in the most exquisite way possible and he couldn’t cope with it any longer.

‘There is only one way to convince you. And I think you know what that is.’ He sat up, ignoring the slippery table underneath the cloak, kissing her deeply as he pulled her warmth into him, Leaena moulding to his body as she straddled him once more. 

‘You – it’s not just want. I need you, Leaena.’ He barely recognised his voice, rasping in the deep night as he held her blazing sapphire eyes with his. ‘Don’t make me wait any longer. Please.’

He couldn’t let her go, desperate to feel as much of her as he could. Leaena’s fingers had curled in his hair with the other cupping his face, her lips crushed against his as he took his cock in his hand, rubbing it firmly over her clit. Its head engorged almost to the point of delicious torment as he felt hot, wet Leaena, tight and slippery, finally around his sheath as she eased herself down.

One hand was pushing him back down onto her cloak as she adjusted her knees and lower legs to be directly touching the table. ‘I need you too. I always will,’ she whispered, leaning over him and kissing him once more, her breasts pressed against his chest. 

There was nothing in the universe better than the sensation of her soft wetness contracting around his cock as she exhaled sharply. He could feel her juices now adding to the saliva on his balls, Leaena sitting back up and starting to ride him slowly. He gripped her hands in his, feeling the strain in his arm muscles and a pressure so exhilarating building up in his stomach he was almost begging right then for release.

‘You are beautiful,’ he half-groaned, the sight of her face tense with the satisfaction of having him so deep inside of her, completely filled, making it even harder for him to retain control. ‘Andraste save me, you are so beautiful.’

What had started out as a purely carnal adventure had turned into an experience so intensely personal to them both he was stunned by its force. All the emotion from the day returned, that he could lose the love of his life and his reason for being if he didn’t manage to do something more.

Cullen sat upright as his hands spanned her waist, needing be even closer to Leaena in his sudden fear she would vanish. Automatically, she wrapped her legs round his waist, his hips thrusting rhythmically as she rocked into him at an increasingly rapid pace. Her low cries were lost in his mouth as he sought her lips once more, her hands grabbing hold of his shoulders as she began to approach her peak.

‘You are – oh you are beautiful too,’ she gasped into his shoulder, her movements frantic as her nails raked across his back. ‘Never leave me – I can’t -.’ 

He was mindless now, the heat around his cock combined with the friction of her core fitting perfectly around him, creating a tension he had to find relief from. Leaena was so wet the sound of her skin sticking to his every time their hips met had driven all rational thought from his head. His hands had grabbed her ass, holding her in one place so he could thrust his cock harder and deeper into her.

‘You are mine……my heart is yours, forever…’ His words were guttural, his world starting to spin as he approached a peak so high he knew his mind would fracture in ecstasy.

He felt a surge of wetness, her smooth movements becoming jerky as she tensed up, shuddering uncontrollably as she cried his name. Her orgasm sent the muscles wrapped around his now oversensitive cock into contractions, as he pounded into her once, then twice more.

Holding Leaena down against him, Cullen threw his head back, groaning uncontrollably. His world was spinning, his body trembling from the force of his climax. Hot liquid was dribbling over his balls while firey heat prickled across every inch of his skin, shooting right up through his brain.

Yet that still wasn’t enough, the belief he would never have enough of her driving every movement as their bodies entwined in a passionate embrace, still trembling from the emotional tide that had swept them away. He was panting, his tongue plunging into her mouth ravenously as she matched his every move, arching into him with her hands cupping his face.

‘You – you are just – Maker, I love you so much – what you just did –‘.  Clutching her tightly, he broke off, pressing heated kisses to her neck between ragged breaths.

He eased out of her, his arms supporting her back to stop her falling. Leaena was almost limp in his arms, small shocks still rocketing through her as she clung onto his neck. ‘What – we just did. I never – I never – only with you. Because love – it makes anything possible.’

‘You are everything to me, Leaena.’ He couldn’t put her down, pulling her towards him. The kiss they shared this time was unhurried, neither of them wanting their enchanted night of sensual exploration to end.

They still didn’t move, Cullen heedless of the fact he was on a solid plank of wood with his legs beginning to protest. His arms contained a warm, soft and loving woman who was giving him the security he sorely needed to feel just then. His head rested on her shoulder, a contented sigh escaping him as nimble fingers massaged the back of his neck.

‘We should go,’ Leaena murmured as she nuzzled against his shoulder, showing no signs of going anywhere. ‘We’re both naked in the middle of the War Room table.’

A giggle then escaped her as the impact of her words sank in. ‘I can’t believe we actually did this. I’m going to be bright red throughout our planning meeting tomorrow.’

‘That is a sight I look forward to.’ He had no idea why he was always so surprised at how soft her skin was, feeling her relax even more as his hands made circles over her back. ‘You’ll hear no objections from me. This is a night I’m not liable to forget in a hurry.’

‘Me neither, for all sorts of reasons.’ Leaena sat upright a little, her palm smoothing back his hair. ‘You must be uncomfortable though.’

‘You’re here. With nothing on. You’d be amazed at how rapidly I can recover.’ It was true. The paranoia he’d felt all day, the sheer terror of losing her – it had receded back into the shadows once more.

‘Are you alright?’ Her brow had furrowed with concern, not to be dissuaded as he let his hands continue to soothe her. ‘I know today has been hard for you –‘.

‘I have never been better.’ Cullen didn’t mean to interrupt her, but she had nothing to worry about. ‘My Leaena has returned to me once more. After all that you have been through, how could I not be the happiest man in Thedas, to have you back?’

‘You know me too well.’ A tinge of pink crept across her cheeks as she understood his meaning. ‘You make me so happy too. I hope you know that.’

‘I do.’  He kissed her softly once again, then winced in agony as cramp set into his foot.

‘Cullen!’ she scolded as she scrambled off his lap. ‘You stubborn – !’

Leaena had slipped on the cloak, tumbling off the edge of the table with a shriek as she disappeared underneath.

‘Are you alright?’ He peered over the edge, his cramp forgotten when he saw her sprawled inelegantly on the floor, a surprised look on her face.

‘Oh! You are laughing at me!’ She managed to get back into a sitting position, Cullen’s laughter infectious as she joined in. ‘You – stop peering at me over the edge of the table! You’re just making it worse! Get down here and help me put things back to rights.’

He climbed off, just managing to stand up as blood rushed back to his legs. ‘Andraste save me, that got sore.’

‘Why didn’t you say so? We could have stopped – ‘. She broke off as he shot her a disbelieving look. ‘Well we could have done something else.’

‘I didn’t notice a thing until you decided to do acrobatics off the table.’ He merely grinned unapologetically at her as he wrapped the cloak round his waist once more.

She’d shrugged into her dress, not bothering to lace the back up as she scrunched her stockings into a ball. ‘You were being stubborn. You should have said something. Therefore it’s your fault. And since when did we send troops to Nevarra?’

‘My being stubborn is just one of the many fine qualities you simply can’t live - ’. A solid metal object hit Cullen on the shoulder as she pulled a face at him, making them both laugh once more. ‘Is that one of my markers? I thought it was Josephine’s.’

He’d spread the map back out again, securing it in place as they quickly worked together to hide evidence of their evening. ‘That was a nice knife toss earlier by the way, Inquisitor.’

‘Why thank you,’ she grinned up at him as she put Leliana’s markers back in Tevinter. ‘Cadan says I’ve slipped so I shall tell him I have nothing less than approval from the Commander himself.’

‘That is something you’ll never lose. Commander Cullen greatly approves, no matter what you do. Where are those mercenary companies Krem mentioned?’ He was frowning at the map, trying to pinpoint the location of the mission.

‘I’m so thrilled to hear it. I will remind you of that next time I want to send scouts instead of troops down the Deep Roads. And Orlesian side of the Frostbacks near Emprise -.’ She stopped, darkness clouding her eyes at the memory of what had happened there.

Putting his last marker down, Cullen went over and enfolded her in his arms. ‘Please don’t be sad. Didn’t you have a good time?’

‘I did. More than good.’ She sighed, a hint of the bitter regret she still felt clearly evident. ‘It will take time to for the deepest cuts to mend. Not the least the ones I inflicted on you.’

‘Look at the night we’ve had. You watched me strip naked in the tavern after drinking far more than I should, getting trounced at Wicked Grace, running through Skyhold with nothing but your cloak on, then we made love to me in a place that both of us have been fantasising about since we first met. Do I seem remotely injured to you?’

He smiled somewhat ruefully, having done all those somewhat out of character things as a direct result of her presence in his life. He didn’t regret one thing.

‘No. You were magnificent, Cullen, both in the tavern and here.’ She looked him up and down, admiration and a hint of humour in her eyes. ‘My cloak suits you. And, not only will our meetings be infinitely more interesting in future, I’ll be hard pushed to look at Josephine without remembering the look of horror she had as your underwear flew towards her head.’

Her voice went quiet, serious once more as she raised a hand to caress his cheek. ‘I know you have done it all for me. It was – being with you in such a way – it was special. Thank you.’

‘You are definitely not the only one who benefits.’ He lifted the hand that was on his face, kissing her palm then the inside of her wrist. ‘I do too. And not just from the obvious. We can heal together, Leaena.’

‘We can, can’t we,’ she whispered in wonder as she realised the truth of his words for the first time. ‘I wouldn’t have it any other way.’

‘Nor would I.’ He could have stood there forever, basking in the radiance of blue eyes that shone with trust and love.

That wish to be suspended at this moment in time deepened as they shared one last slow, tender kiss. The depth of emotion this illicit encounter had created within them both left Cullen surprised and dazed by its impact. Just when he thought he couldn’t be any closer to Leaena, he was proved wrong – the sapphire and cobalt now an unbreakable connection in his soul.

It ended all too soon, but he knew she was now exhausted, still easily tired after all her body and mind had been put through.

‘Can I escort you back to your rooms, my lady?’ He gave her a bow over her hand, smiling at her evident amusement.

‘You are ever chivalrous, ser knight, even in such a state of undress.’ She took his arm as they looked around one last time to make sure they’d left everything as it had been.

Together they headed out, hand in hand, to sneak along the short route to her quarters. As she looked across at him with his ramshackle outfit, she started to giggle uncontrollably once more. The ridiculousness of what they had done all night caught up with them again, Cullen biting on hard on his tongue to stop himself from joining in. Eventually he had to kiss her back to silence against the wall by Josephine’s office – he’d never have been able to stop if he let even one chuckle slip.

After what felt like forever, they finally crept through the door to her quarters, Cullen reminding himself to have a word with the Captain in charge to compliment him on how thorough the guards were. So thorough they had nearly been caught again, Leaena finding it increasingly difficult to stop tiny snorts of mirth that were escaping through her nose.

There was a tingle of magic as she silently closed the door behind them. She immediately collapsed against it, finally giving into the hilarity that now consumed them both.

If Cullen could have seen his nearly nude self – flushed from having played out a highly erotic fantasy with the woman of his dreams, bent over gasping and crying tears of laughter having just run away from his own soldiers for the fourth time that night - he would have thought it was a different person.

He’d started the change, but it hadn’t been until Leaena’s arrival in his life that he’d been inspired and encouraged to truly find himself once again. As he picked her up and carried her upstairs to bed, both of them still laughing and teasing each other, Cullen wondered if - at long last - he was becoming the man the Maker had always intended him to be.


	93. The Calm Before the Storm

Varric yawned and rubbed a hand over the coarse stubble that always seemed to appear in seconds whenever they were travelling. They’d arrived a short time ago at the last stopping point before they reached the Inquisition’s forward camp in the Arbor Wilds – the place the assault on the Temple of Mythal would be launched.

Morrigan had been right. This place was as beautiful, and just as deadly as a venomous cobra. Looking around at the lush green surroundings with distaste, he yet again found himself in a place he could hardly wait to escape from.

The Inquisitor, in her infinite wisdom, had decided to short-cut as fast as she could through rough and inhospitable terrain, dragging the rest of them along with her at a breakneck pace. Varric understood why – they’d lost enough time as it was. It still didn’t change how tired, dusty and fed up he was. And more than in need of a drink.

‘What the fuck!’

Startled to hear Lea’s enraged shout cut through the bustling noise of the camp, he quickly turned to see what the problem was.

She was in a foul mood over something, that was for certain. No one knew what it was yet, but the voice that normally held an undertone of cheerful now had overtones of wrath. It was echoing around the rocky ledge where she stood with her advisors, at the opposite end to where three of her companions were hunched round the fire now doing their best to be invisible.

They couldn’t make out any further words but, whatever it was, someone was going to be in trouble.

Varric did not want to know. He’d learnt his lesson, getting involved in anything to do with Lea’s personal affairs and he had no intention of doing so again. It hadn’t been her fault last time things had gone the way they had, and he’d understood all too well the paranoia that had her in its grip. He held himself responsible for listening to Leliana’s usual meddling. Events had cumulated in a disaster of such epic proportions, their capable and much-beloved leader had nearly died.

Absently, his fingers ran over the barrel of his crossbow, Bianca sitting across his lap as he contemplated what could have sparked this torrent of anger from her. It irritated him to do so, his vow of steering clear falling at the wayside by mere contemplation of listening in.

Yet, as ever, the story that lay behind it compelled him to find out as much as he possibly could.

‘What in the Maker’s name has got her wound up this time?’ Dorian was as curious as he was, albeit in a rather more blatant manner. ‘Only a few days ago it was the delays that rockfall through the Frostbacks caused for our troops. And now – well, whatever this is.’

‘I’d say that was a minor tremor compared to this volcanic eruption,’ Solas observed in his usual mild manner, somehow having found that disgusting tea in the middle of a marching army as he stirred hot water into the leaves. ‘Lea is displeased.’

‘Why do you drink that stuff anyway if you don’t like it?’ Varric asked the elf in confusion as Solas frowned at his beverage. ‘And that has to be the biggest understatement I’ve heard in some time. She sure as shit isn’t about to throw a welcoming party for Corypheus.’

‘I cannot shake the dreams from before, Child of the Stone. I have to, before I sleep again. Therefore I need to get it down me – somehow.’ Solas looked uncharacteristically discomforted as he gulped down the bitter liquid.

He cast another glance over to where Lea was standing, her gestures becoming more extravagant the more she was getting wound up. ‘That does not bode well. She needs no further worries to distract her.’

They all knew it took time to get over what Lea had been subjected to – time that they didn’t have. He and Solas had been there along with her brothers and Cullen. They’d witnessed in excruciating detail every last inch of her torment. All of them carried the heavy weight of that rescue within their souls in a way the rest of her companions and advisors couldn’t understand.

Cullen, unsurprisingly, had been the most affected. Something had happened to him in that shrine of evil and, whatever it had been, it now caused a frightening darkness to consume the Commander every time he thought Lea was remotely at risk.

Varric had witnessed enough violence and anguish in his lifetime to recognise that Cullen had accumulated yet another demon to battle, along with all the others. And this time, it was the most menacing yet.

‘She simply can’t expect to bounce back to normal after something like that. You can see how hard Lea is trying to be herself but the cracks are starting to show.’ Dorian, as usual, voiced the concerns everyone had without wasting any words. ‘It’s unrealistic for Cullen to maintain his relentless plastering, masterful job though he’s doing. He could consider a career in the building trade if he ever gets bored of ordering troops around.’

Varric sighed heavily, forcing himself to not look across to the debate that was still raging. ‘She’s trying her hardest, Sparkler. And she’s doing a good job. So is Curly, for that matter. Except when – whatever it is gets to her. And then it gets to him too.’

‘Yes, like the world’s most fucked up vicious circle of fury feeding despair. Those two take co-dependency to a spectacularly dysfunctional level.’ There was no censure in Dorian’s response, merely genuine concern for two of the most senior people in the Inquisition – and who they all considered friends.

He’d also been drinking, which Varric presumed accounted for his cheery outlook.

‘That connection is what saved her, time and time again. It is not often this happens to Lea – and besides, you cannot deny that they need each other, just as any couple in love do.’ Solas was reproving as he looked pointedly at the other mage. ‘How much of that wine did you have anyway, to make you so maudlin?’

‘Oh this? Cheap fruits from some misbegotten vineyard back home, but it hits the spot.’ Dorian didn’t waver from his point as he still looked at Lea who was showing no signs of calming down. ‘You know what I mean, Solas. We can’t afford for either of them to falter now. We’re so close to all this chaos ending.’

‘They won’t falter because we’ll be there with them. We help each other out in this fucked up family of ours.’ Varric peered closely at the other man, the root cause of Dorian’s despondency becoming clear. ‘So you and Bull fought, huh? You wouldn’t happen to be projecting now, would you?’

‘That would make more sense.’ Solas unbent a little as he saw the sadness flicker across Dorian’s face. ‘We have to support her, Dorian, not pick holes into that which does not concern us. Perhaps talking about it might help you.’

‘Oh, very well! If it will stop you two nitpicking at everything I say! We talked about what after. This. If there even is an after.’ Dorian took another gulp from the bottle. ‘It didn’t go quite how I anticipated, let’s just put it that – shit, look at her magic –‘.

There wasn’t time for them to say anything more in the abrupt silence, Lea storming over to where they were sitting. The Inquisitor’s short fuse was legendary, but it was rare to see her so infuriated she was about to lose control. Dorian and Solas both looked alarmed at the sight of how much magic she had pulled into her body and, even for a dwarf, it was hard for Varric to miss the deep blue energy cracking around her whole body. 

‘Where the fuck is everyone?’ she snarled in her fury. ‘We meet. Now!’

So much for a quiet evening before setting off for the last leg to the Temple of Mythal. Varric shrugged, not intending on asking anything that was liable to get his head taken off.

Dorian was far braver than he was. Perhaps through the booze, perhaps through a lack of self-preservation as a result of his fight with Bull, who knew?

‘Lea, what in Andraste –‘. Even he faltered under her withering glare.

‘If there was an Andraste, she would never have fucking well allowed this to happen in the first place.’ Her venomous hiss was low, yet her harsh words carried even further than her yells from before.

Everyone was starting to gather now, Cullen, Leliana and Josephine walking up to stand behind her. All three of them looked like they’d rather be anywhere than at that particular place in time, all looking guilty of failing Lea and the Inquisition in some monumental way.

Cullen’s eyes were either scanning the area for a threat to her or watching her, as he always did - sometimes to the exclusion of anything else if he felt he was in a safe environment. This wasn’t it. Varric was more bothered by the devastation flickering within, that something had happened that could tear them apart once more.

The blackness that he’d been reminded of earlier now seemed to be swamping Cullen in full force - to the point where Varric felt it wise to stay away from the sword he was gripping tightly onto. What was more, disturbing, however, was the air of failure the Commander was wrapped up in.

They both did their best - when on Inquisition matters at least - to keep some distance from one another. After everything they had been through together, combined with Lea’s long recuperation, any form of separation seemed almost intolerable.

_Not to mention glaringly obvious to the rest of us._

It wasn’t even a physical thing, although she stood so close to Cullen they may as well have been touching. Every gesture and every movement showed their awareness of the other to such an extent it was impossible to miss. Whatever it was that had the other man so distraught, Lea was doing her best to reassure him in that subconscious manner, even through her own distress.

The rest of Lea was watching the assembled group stonily as they climbed out of tents and bedrolls. They were all together aside from her brothers – Trystan who was with the bulk of their forces, and Cadan recalled back to Denerim.

Tensions were high as they caught up to Corypheus and stupid arguments were flaring up all over the place. As he watched Cullen’s temper disintegrate before his eyes, Varric hadn’t realised anything could come between the two of them, after everything they had been through. But apparently Cullen was worried something might.

He was about to find out what.

‘Vivienne has disappeared.’

The silence in the air was deafening. Varric was wishing he had a pin, filled with an irrational urge to drop it just so he could see if the statement was true.

_Well…..shit._

Anything rather than contemplate the impact of her words. Nothing had prepared him for that announcement. Or anyone else, for that matter.

Lea’s bald statement to the rest of the group had each and every one of them gaping in shock.

‘But – how?’ Cassandra stammered, automatically drawing her sword in some bizarre notion that Vivienne might appear from behind a bush and flame them all to death. ‘She was under permanent guard – how to get out of Skyhold  - Tranquil!’

‘We don’t know.’ Leliana’s frustration was apparent, her hands twisting in agitation around each other as she spoke. ‘But escape she has. We think there was a sleeper cell activated who helped her escape.’

‘As a Tranquil? She shouldn’t care! I bloody well watched it happen!’ Dorian was aghast and looking as horrified as everyone else. ‘I’ve heard pigs squeal with more delicacy than she did when Trystan stuck the brand on her forehead. She was terrified beyond reason knowing there was not any other way out!’

‘Did she stay Tranquil?’ Solas interjected, posing the question that no one wanted to think about. ‘If someone knows your ritual, Seeker, then it is possible to reverse it.’

Cassandra turned pale as she considered the potential impact of that outcome. ‘I did not even consider……then let us hope she did not survive the Ritual reversal, or her brain is so damaged she is of no threat either way.’

‘None of that matters right now.’ Lea interrupted the speculation raging around him, everyone looking to her for an answer she clearly didn’t have. ‘I understand this is hugely unexpected, and unpleasant news, but she is not our focus. We have no further information right now – anything else is mindless speculation which isn’t helpful.’

More than anyone, she was struggling to come to terms with the news but doing her best to push it aside. ‘She is on the loose and her capacity for causing trouble is bigger than the Waking Sea. We must be extra vigilant. Leliana will get to the bottom of how she escaped. If we find that out it will lead to who freed her – and why.’

‘But Fiona –‘. Cassandra’s bewildered mention of one name started off another babble of consternation around them.

‘Remind me to be far, far away when she catches up with the Grand Enchanter,’ Varric muttered under his breath to Dorian, who nodded grimly in agreement.

At mention of that name, Lea’s face went white, the same colour as her knuckles as she gripped her fists together. ‘Her incompetence strikes again, you are correct. Although it is my own pride and blind need for revenge that has led to this. Rest assured, I will deal with it once we return to Skyhold.’

That dogged determination Lea had to succeed at all costs, that had dragged her through The Fade, survived through unspeakable torture and the ravages of red lyrium – and the machinations of a power-crazed mage now on the loose – it was emphasised in every syllable of her next words.

‘Heed me – we will win this. We will be victorious. The time to work in the shadows and achieve our end goal has long past us. We are taking the fight to Corypheus in this last battle and nothing will stand in the way of our triumph!’

Her gaze of icy fire swept them all, each person feeling the strength of her passion and sense of purpose. Gone was the frightened woman hiding her terror with her anger, replaced instead by the indomitable Inquisitor. Everyone needed to see her like this, troops and Inner Circle alike. They could afford no weaknesses now, and Lea knew it.

_Except….._

‘Look at what we have achieved – look at our allies, an army that numbers in the tens of thousands of soldiers, agents and representatives. And this, from what we have come from? The Inquisition’s successes are remarkable, my friends. You have all played a key role in its phenomenal rise to power. We would not be here without any of you.’

‘I will not be dissuaded from my path by that strumpet. It is, in all likelihood, a ruse by Samson to hit me where he thinks it will hurt. I am furious, but I am not worried. It will not weaken my resolve, and it should in no way weaken yours.’ Lea’s tone had a ringing finality to it as she dismissed yet another attempt to attack her sanity with an irritable flick of her wrist.

Just like that and, as always with her temper, it was gone – deflated now she had done what she had to. ‘I am sorry for disturbing you all but I wanted to let you know so you were alert for even the slightest change. We can’t be distracted now – Vivienne is irrelevant. The Temple awaits us in a day or two and we meet up with Gaspard tomorrow.’

The four of them answered a few more questions from the others, but Varric wasn’t really paying attention as he pondered how Skyhold’s spy network had managed to be compromised so badly. A brief glimpse at Leliana revealed as much disbelief as he felt. It was inevitable, as they had grown so much in size, but it was beyond galling.

_She got us again._

There was something in that thought he couldn’t pin down. Vivienne could give them all lessons in strategy and planning. The woman was a byword in organised, if nothing else.

Belatedly, he realised through his terrible headache that he’d been staring into the dark at nothing. Most people had started to drift away to their tents. Bull and Dorian were having the most awkward looking whispered conversation apart from everyone else and, from what he could hear, Lea and her advisors were making plans for the final march tomorrow.

It was just him, Bianca and his filthy temper telling him he’d bloody well missed something for the umpteenth time since this whole blasted mess had started. There was, right now, absolutely nothing they could do. The gnawing worry since Lea had made her Tranquil, that this was far from over, had come back to bite him in the ass.

Varric hated loose ends with a vengeance. And Vivienne was the biggest he’d come across in quite some time.

_The irritation has nothing to do with the letter that had arrived yesterday. Of course it doesn’t._

Forcing the thoughts of the other, less appealing Marcher mage to the back of his head, he heard the paper crackle as he put his hand in his pocket.

When he looked around the group he was with, it felt like everyone was playing happy families except for him. It was getting nauseating and the last thing he wanted to do was sit around love-sick, or love-struck couples, reminding him of everything he’d lost and would never have.

Making his way back to the fire, Varric decided to have a quick drink before bed and make an attempt to put quill to paper. He then realised Blackwall was still up, with about the same idea, staring at a note which he hurriedly put away as Varric made himself comfortable opposite.

_Ah well. Unrequited love wasn’t on my list._

‘News from home?’ He wasn’t really expecting an answer as he splashed some brandy in a mug, watching the amber liquid blaze through the bottle. Not to think about anything. That’s what he needed.

‘Not drinking the hard stuff tonight?’ Blackwall grunted in response, taking the bottle that Varric passed to him and adding some to his own cup. ‘And yes, you could say that. Bad business, with Vivienne. Trying to forget about it.’

Surprised to have had any acknowledgement at all from Blackwall about his personal correspondence, Varric didn’t reply for a moment, in full agreement with his last comments. He downed a big gulp, letting the flames sear his throat as the sprit gave him the kick he needed.

‘Just you and me in the lonely hearts club tonight?’ Varric quipped, trying his best to not sound bitter. ‘We should ask Cole to join us. Leliana doesn’t count, seeing as she’s going to be Divine and all.’

Blackwall glanced over to where Lea was standing, shaking his head as he looked back. ‘Pointless. I know it is. Especially now. I’m a bloody fool, wasting too much of everyone’s time.’

It did seem to be the night for startling revelations. Varric said nothing, astounded that Blackwall had said anything about his feelings for Lea at all. After that night in the tavern where Cullen had nearly choked him to death, he’d hardly even said hello to her when they were in the same space.

‘Once upon a time, I hoped. To meet a good woman, settle down. It came close - but, then…well, a soldier’s path is not for everyone, especially not a Warden.’ He stared morosely into the fire, a lifetime of regret written in his face. ‘A life with a love is not what the Maker has planned for me, of that I can assure you.’

Somehow Blackwall hadn’t realised they all knew he wasn’t a Grey Warden but Lea hadn’t been around to deal with it. She also didn’t see the point until the man wanted to confess, trusting him instead – much to Cullen’s continued irritation. Varric and the others simply avoided the topic.

But tonight, not wanting to contemplate on his own misfortunes and uncertainties, it was easier to hear about someone else’s.

The upcoming battle had them all contemplating their own futures – if they made it. It was manifesting itself in a variety of different ways, but mainly, people were pondering their lives that had already gone before them. And, in him and Blackwall’s case, what could have been.

‘Well, you’re still here at least. Who knows what’s going to happen? We could all get eaten by Corypheus or we could live to see if that prediction you’ve just made for yourself might actually be wrong.’ He didn’t do depressing conversations well – he always descended into some form of flippancy.

‘Matters not whether I’m here or not. But still, another blade is another blade.’ Tossing back his brandy, Blackwall poured himself another. ‘The road to redemption is never a straightforward one, but if I can land at least one blow on the bastard I’ll die feeling that I achieved something.’

‘What do you need redeeming from anyway? We all have shit in our past we’d rather ignore. You seem to enjoy taking it to a whole new level.’ Varric had often wondered what was so horrendous Blackwall had done. ‘None of us are the next Andraste, you know.’

‘Myself.’ He fell silent, his eyes black and unreadable in the darkness of the night. ‘It’s hardly a pissing contest is it, who’s fucked over who more in their lifetime.’

‘I never said it was, but I like the way you put things.’ Varric gave him an irrepressible grin, whilst feeling the unexpected urge to give the beleaguered warrior some perspective.

‘This will be fun. Let’s rank what we’ve done in order of world-fucked-upness. I introduced red lyrium to Thedas, Curly systematically persecuted mages across half of Ferelden and the Free Marches for a decade, Buttercup murders nobles across Orlais for fun, our Nightingale has probably authorised genocide on more than one occasion, the kid kind of started the whole mage-Templar war – do you want me to continue? So where does yours fit in?’

Blackwall gave a snort that could have been interpreted as humour. He now looked like a dog that had missed its breakfast as opposed to a man facing the hangman’s noose. That was an improvement.

‘You’ve got a problem with Sera killing nobles? I thought more of you than that, Varric.’

‘You have a point. She and her Jennies have set a trend I intend to nurture. Quietly, of course.’ Well, there was a hint of amusement – he felt like he’d achieved the near impossible for an evening filled with weirdness.

‘What I’m saying is, we’ve all done bad crap. Each and every one of us. Even her Inquisitorialness – Andraste’s chosen, stomped on several hundred heads and hearts to get where she was in the Circle, destroying a few lives more in the process. You can’t be a saint to do this job. You need to be able to make the tough call – something you’ve clearly done in the past.’

‘Some calls should never be made in the first place.’ Blackwall sighed heavily, looking tortured once more. ‘Maker’s balls, I am sorry company this evening. Look, I see where you’re going. But you can’t escape the fact that some decisions in life weigh heavier than others.’

He looked across to where Lea was standing quietly conversing with Cullen, his expressing twisting with regret and missed opportunity. ‘The least of which was a stupid infatuation with a woman who could never have been mine – I mean, look at them. And all to distract myself from my own conscience.’

Varric obligingly looked, already knowing what he would see - two people not touching, yet the love between them so apparent a nug could spot it.

‘I know – I mean what happened out there was – bad. It’s the kind of thing –‘. Blackwall’s hand rumpled up his already unruly hair in his continued aggravation. ‘It destroys people, what they went through. And yet, they’re even closer. I mean – we all know what happened at cards – it was extreme, but I see why.’

What the Commander had done for her at the Shrine of Dumat, and afterwards, he’d found exceptional. That night at the Wicked Grace table had then given Varric a new respect for him which went well beyond his prowess as a warrior and military leader. Cullen had shown a depth to his character few ever saw sight of.

_And I didn’t even have to take my jacket off. I guess I owe him a drink for that._

‘Curly likes to pretend he’s a plain soldier and then smirks at his opponents when he beats them at chess.’ His sardonic tone then disappeared when he thought back to the Wicked Grace game.

‘It’s not often a man will go to the extremes he did at cards just to make sure their lady doesn’t regress into what could have been a damaging panic attack. He traded her memory of fear with – I guess, a better one.’ And, presumably, a better memory for himself too.

Varric didn’t ever want to know what had happened between the Commander and the Inquisitor after he’d left the tavern that night. Yet he couldn’t help but acknowledge whatever it was seemed to have healed something deep within them.

To see two people so in harmony with one another after those long months of separation, then the multiple rapes and abuse Lea had been subjected to? It was, in an odd way, reassuring for everyone.

_It gives us hope, that you can overcome just about anything and still find peace._

Except, of course, when that synergy turned into a pain so acute it had them all wincing at the sight, like earlier. In that regard, Dorian hadn’t been mistaken at all.

Blackwall nodded absently, still looking conflicted between wanting to hate Cullen for all he had, and grudging admiration of his actions.

‘Oh look who it is.’ A rare grin appeared on Blackwall’s face - whatever it was that had him so divided momentarily forgotten. ‘This should be interesting.’

For there was Jim, making a purposeful approach towards Cullen and clutching yet another random report. The messenger was oblivious, as ever, to the rather intense conversation that was going on in front of him.

‘Why does Curly keep him around?’ Varric waited expectantly for the inevitable cart-crash that was bound to follow.

‘Pity, Trystan told me. Truth be told, I have no idea. Poor lad can barely tie up his bootlaces without getting them knotted on the way.’ Blackwall’s rumbling laugh made him look years younger as they watched the scene in front of them. ‘Shit. That’s rather brave of him. I didn’t realise Cullen was that fond of paperwork.’

Both of them started chuckling when the young man, seemingly lacking in social awareness, interrupted Cullen mid-sentence and proudly presented him with a pile of parchment.

The ill-fated scout had a knack of continually intruding – if what Lea had told him one evening was really true – at the most hilariously inopportune moments. Just like now.

‘I don’t think he is. Geez Curly, what did you say to make him scuttle off so fast?’ Varric was grinning at the sight of Jim stumbling off, red-faced whilst stuttering apologies, waving his arms in front of him to ward off an increasingly irate Commander.

‘Doesn’t stop him looking though does it? Maker be dammed, but that boy is a glutton for punishment,’ Blackwall commented dryly, shaking his head in rueful bewilderment.

Jim had now ground to a halt, not quite understanding Cullen’s order of making himself scarce. He was only three feet away, staring slack-jawed in stupefaction at Cullen’s retreating back. Only to then look terrified as Cullen advanced on him once more, with a look Varric could only presume mean sudden death if he didn’t remove himself from the vicinity straight away.

‘Right, well it seems this time he got the message on the distance at least. Where do they breed them these days? It never used to be that bad.’ Blackwall sounded mournful for days gone by as he watched Jim’s attempted disappearing act with a wry smile.

‘He seems to do standing still pretty good. Doesn’t seem to have managed how to gawp at people with his mouth closed though.’ Varric watched Lea’s shoulders shake with suppressed laughter, clearly highly entertained by the scene that had just unfolded before her.

The good humour around their fire didn’t last, however. Blackwall’s countenance slumped once more as Cullen, heedless to where he was, gave Lea a kiss before reluctantly turning away to deal with whatever it was that needed his attention. The passion in that short embrace was enough to make both men turn away quickly, neither interested in observing anything further.

It bothered Varric though. Trouble was stirring, for Cullen to forget himself in his need to reach out to Lea. Repeating his mantra of not wanting to know over and over again, he stared at the fire, foolishly hoping his wayward concerns would burn away in the orange flames dancing before him.

He hated to admit it, but soulmates did exist. The proof was right in front of him as Lea’s unguarded expression radiated love, awe, joy and just about every other sickeningly sweet expression his mind could torture him with. 

‘I misjudged it all,’ Blackwall said quietly to himself, seeming to forget where he was. ‘Yet again, I was wrong. About him. Fuck it. Everything. I’m a fucking idiot. Who should just stop running and hiding behind someone’s skirts.’

There was no response to that, although he was well aware of who Blackwall was referring to.

The other man drained his mug, before standing abruptly. ‘I’m done. You’ve got better things to do than listen to me bitching on.’

Watching Blackwall stomp off in a fit of bleak temper, Varric realised it was just him, a camp fire and a brain that was so wired he knew he’d never settle. Exhaling slowly, he decided to have another drink in the hope that would numb the turmoil his mind seemed to be caving into.

It wasn’t the first time he’d faced a life or death situation – Kirkwall alone had provided its fair share of those moments, but this was the climax to a full-scale war they’d been fighting for a year or so. And he vehemently hoped this battle, the biggest of his adventuring career, would see them sunny side up when the Maker tossed his coin.

Vivienne was a problem churning away at the back of his mind. He had to admire her tenacity and how, against everything, she continued to survive. The solution would come to him. Which left him with the uplifting options of considering the fight tomorrow or the letter in his pocket.

Not really keen to think about his potential demise, he drew the parchment out, staring at sharp black words boldly outlined on the envelope.

‘Shit, Varric how old are you?’ he muttered to himself in exasperation as he slipped a thumb underneath the seal. ‘Just open the dumb thing already.’

_Varric,_

_How many times have I written to you these last few months? What more do you want me to say? I don’t know enough languages to say ‘I’m sorry, I screwed up’!_

_What do you want, me begging on my knees? I have made enough mistakes in my life – I’m aware of this! You don’t have to keep reminding me. It’s not so much about the red lyrium either is it? I thought you’d forgiven me for something I had no choice in._

_Are you going to punish me forever?_

_I miss you. Dammit – just – just kill that thing and come back, alright? And don’t bloody well die._

_Bianca_

‘It’s not in your usual style, I’ll give you that,’ he whispered to himself. He took a gulp of the brandy as he re-read the letter from Bianca once more.

It was along the same desperate lines of the twenty or so others she’d sent since they had left Valamaar, realising this time she may have pushed it too far. None of which he’d replied to. 

It was impossible to think of the next couple of days without thinking of her. Perhaps if he stared at the letters long enough the whole wretched conundrum of his relationship with Bianca would just go away.

‘I wouldn’t want to be whatever is written on that parchment.’ The accent was so reminiscent of home Varric forgot for a moment where he was as he blinked up at Lea. ‘Am I interrupting?’

‘Not at all,’ he gestured for her to sit down, realising then she was on her own. ‘Where’s Curly? He guards you closer than a Mabari these days. Which works. Both Ferelden, both hairy, both growl at people on a regular basis.’

‘He might even consider that a compliment too,’ Lea replied with a smile, settling herself down on the grass. ‘Something to do with weapon supplies being stuck somewhere because a mule lost a shoe or some bollocks. I don’t know how he has the patience for it, nor why it requires his attention – nor does he, for that matter. But, whatever. He’ll be back soon enough.’

She stretched and yawned, clearly tired – her stamina still not what it once was. ‘It’s the kind of thing that sends me to sleep, as you can tell. Maker knows I’ll need help, after that news.’

Without needing to ask, Varric had poured her a drink before adding more to his own glass. He hadn’t realised it was empty, mentally cautioning himself to not wake up with a raging hangover tomorrow.

‘How are you feeling? About the whole Vivienne thing?’

Lea stared into her glass, swirling the liquid around before finishing it in one go. ‘Fuck. Cadan’s brandy?’ She gave a shudder and tossed her head back at the sensation of such a large shot in one go before holding out her mug once more. ‘Its’s the best. That’s how I know it’s his. When he hears I’m necking it like some cheap crap from the Hanged Man, he’ll be livid.’

‘Hey, the Hanged Man has at least one drink which is a step up from bilge water. Although your brother probably drank that by now too,’ Varric joked, seeing she was trying to steady herself, her emotions in chaos from the earlier devastating news.

She gave a weak smile that turned to a scowl, pushing her hair back as she tucked her knees under her chin. ‘I bloody hate it, Varric. I am scared of what it portends for us and I don’t understand how it could have happened.’

This time Lea took a normal sip of the brandy, the anger from earlier now replaced with worry. ‘I don’t have to pretend with you. When – before, I could barely hold it together. I thought I was going to lose myself in my magic again, I was so angry. I still am so fucking fed up of being scared.’

‘You don’t have to pretend with any of us, Frosty. We know what Vivienne did. Shit, if it hadn’t been for her none of that would have happened. You know. Spooky Shrines and red lyrium crawling out of Samson’s ass.’ He gave an internal shiver, the memories of that place still haunting him.

‘I do have to, though. If I pretend then it means I can power through somehow. People need to have faith we can do this, Varric. Especially now, with our biggest challenge ahead. None of us came all this way only for me to fall over at the last hurdle.’

She gave a wry smile, the ice in her eyes melting slightly when she thought of his last comment. ‘Although I have a thoroughly unpleasant image in my mind now. I do hope Samson hides such a demonstration of his red lyrium prowess from us when we finally get to him.’

‘I live to serve. I will say prayers that it is so. Yada yada.’

Right now he kind of did serve. Their whole future rested on the slender shoulders sat before him. They were all there to cheer her on through the tough times and celebrate in the good ones. And even within that group, there were few people the Inquisitor truly showed her true feelings in front of.

Varric felt the privilege, and the responsibility, of having the honour of being one of them. After all they had gone through together and witnessing everything Lea had sacrificed, being there was the least he could do.

‘Please don’t serve. Just be you. I need friends, not a religious following. Maker have mercy, can you imagine? Andraste’s fake Herald is bad enough. The Fade proved that to be lie at last, thank goodness.’ In a most un-pious move, Lea held out her mug for more brandy, which he dutifully provided. ‘Feel free to call me an idiot for not executing her when I had the chance. I sorely regret that decision, more than you can ever know.’

‘What’s done is done, Frosty. You weren’t to know. Erimond is still in place isn’t he?’ Varric gave a inward sigh of relief when she nodded.

‘Double the guard too. Which is what makes all of this so strange. Why take Vivienne and not Erimond?’ She exhaled in frustration as she stared up to the empty night sky, seeking knowledge that weren’t there. ‘Something doesn’t fit. Or maybe it does and I just have been a dim-witted dickhead from the moment I tried to outsmart her.’

‘And she’s definitely gone? Not hidden away in a magical research place in the basement somewhere?’ The whole thing didn’t make sense, let alone not fit.

The thought of Vivienne being organised came back to Varric once more, then drifted as he focussed on Lea’s next words.

‘Nowhere. Skyhold was virtually empty. I should have bought her with us and flung her at the first Red Templar as bait. How long will it be before my mistakes stop coming back to haunt me?’ She adjusted her positing, sitting cross-legged as she threw pieces of twig onto the fire, the flames flickering over her face. ‘I’m kind of done with it, strangely enough.’

‘Well put it this way, there can’t be that many Rivani-born Marcher Tranquil with her reputation running around. You’ll have word soon of her trail. I hate to say it Frosty, but there’s fuck all you can do about it right now.’

He so loved being the bearer of bad news that would wind her up further, but it was the truth. It was glaringly apparent all Lea wanted to do right now was head back and chase the rogue mage down, more to clear her own conscience than anything else.

‘Dammit, I know! But this is so unexpected and I am unsettled beyond belief, Varric. It’s like my big black could has returned once more.’ The magic she held inside of her for reassurance was still burning brightly in her eyes as she fought to regain her composure. ‘Andraste save me, you’re right. There’s now a ban on her name for the rest of the evening.’

Her gaze narrowed as she looked at him, her decision to change subject now making him the target of her attention. ‘So let’s change the subject if I’m not allowed to fret about that bitch. What were you reading to have you looking so gloomy?’

_I don’t want to go here._

‘Just – a letter. From home,’ Varric couldn’t quite hide the stammer in his voice.

Lea’s abrupt change of direction had left him momentarily wrong-footed, all the resentment and thwarted emotions he’d been living with for so many years suddenly at the forefront of his mind.

‘Really. Just a letter.’ Her voice was laced with sarcasm as she tilted her head to one side. ‘One that has you scrabbling for words. That is not the Varric Tethras I know.’

‘Andraste’s tits, Frosty, why do you want to know? It’s – it’s personal!’ Wondering if he could switch the conversation back to Vivienne, he racked his brains for something else to say.

His plea fell on deaf ears. ‘Because you said there was nothing I could do about Vivienne right now. But I can do something to help you. Consider it my good deed for the evening. I have no intention of getting involved in whatever Bull and Dorian have going on, that’s for sure.’

‘You saw that? They’re talking about what happens after. Everyone is. In their case, I guess there’s a difference of opinion.’ Perhaps there would be an opening to change the subject now.

‘If we survive you mean? The usual pondering our lives and what might have been, before a battle?’ As usual, Lea had picked up on what everyone had been considering.

It was easy to forget how intelligent and observant she was underneath the mass of blonde hair and big blue eyes. Looking dim-witted and desirable at the same time was a skill she’d perfected to throw the multitude of nobles she had to deal with off the scent.

Her companions too, when they were fixated on other concerns.

‘Something along those lines, yes.’ Varric scratched at his beard again, wondering if he’d have time for a shave before they set off tomorrow.

_Nothing to do with not wanting to talk about the letter, of course._

‘Come on, Varric, get to it already. Believe me, the beard will be there five seconds after you hack it all off anyway,’ Lea retorted mockingly, fully aware of his skirting round the subject.

He raised his hands in defeat. ‘It’s from Bianca. She wants me to write to her.’

‘And have you? Since all those months ago in the Hinterlands?’ Her raised eyebrow and cynical expression showed she already knew the answer.

‘Maybe – not. It’s – complicated, alright?’ That was an understatement. They all seemed expert at those, this band of misfits he’d been hanging around with.

‘So why don’t you tell me about it? I’ve got all night and my twin has kindly provided the necessary refreshments.’ Topping up their drinks, she fished in her cloak pocket for the toffee supply she’d hid from Sera and laid it out for them both. ‘You’re good at telling a tale Varric. It’s what you do. So shoot.’

‘Yeah, all those except the ones about myself,’ he grumbled, seeing there was no way out of it. ‘There’s really not that much to share.’

‘Then it won’t take you long, will it?’ Innocent eyes batted long lashes at him as she gave the first proper smile he’d seen that evening.

‘Your charms obviously work on Curly but they won’t work on me. Ah, shit, why am bothering putting up a fight?’ He shrugged, unsure of where to even begin. ‘I – she – we met in Kirkwall, fifteen or so years ago. Her family are Surface dwarves so conservative they ask the ancestors before they take a piss. I needed someone with mechanical skills, she’s the best there is. So we got to know each other that way.’

‘And one thing led to another? Which is now why you are never together?’ Lea asked in some confusion, his narration skills failing him just when he needed it the most.

‘We aren’t together, not really. There’s usually a continent between us at all times. If we’re in three hundred leagues of one another the Merchant Guild would freeze my assets and have me killed – and not necessarily in that order.’ As ever, talking about his and Bianca’s past made him feel about as cheerful as Chantry Sister issuing the last rites.

‘You aren’t together? And you have the Merchant Guild on your ass?’ Lea’s temper flared briefly as she realised the implications. ‘So you’re the one that lives in fear of your life whilst she can come and go as she pleases. You know, along with feeding me my eyeballs if anything should happen to you, this is not information that is endearing me to her right now.’

‘I said it was complicated! We nearly started a clan war. There are reasons things are the way they are.’ Even that sounded lame to his ears and Lea knew it too. ‘Besides, what does it matter? She lives in Orlais with her husband now so that’s distance a plenty. We exchange letters, we see each other once in a while.’

‘She’s married? To someone else? How the hell did that happen?’ She was astonished by that piece of information, staring at Varric in what he could only describe as horror.

‘Oh you know, good Smith Caste boy. Wealthy, respected, has a great anvil collection. I hear the wedding was lovely. The one she showed up for, anyway.’

This time Varric could hear the bitterness in every word. Right up there with regret, despair and the bleakness he’d stared in the face the moment he’d heard she was somewhere else than he’d been expecting her that day.

‘The wedding she showed up for….’ Lea fell silent, her gaze steady as she scrutinised him further.

There was no pity in her eyes, just dawning realisation and empathy. It was lucky. For if there had been an ounce of anything else he’d have walked back to Kirkwall right there and then – Corypheus could go fuck himself. He didn’t need anyone commiserating over his misfortunes.

Surprisingly, however, Varric discovered just how much he needed someone to simply listen to the one story he’d never been able to tell before.

‘You were to be married and she left you at the altar?’ Her voice was soft, non-judgemental where many would have derided him for his choices.

‘Wow when you put it that bluntly it really does sound shitty doesn’t it?’ There was no joking about it, though.

His heart sinking into his boots had been the least of it, when he’d been standing in the chapel, waiting for her to arrive. Waiting and waiting and waiting. Until Bartrand’s messenger arrived with the news.

Then he’d just wanted to vomit. Which he did, somehow hanging on until he’d made it outside the chapel doors. Then, he’d gotten so drunk he’d lost four days of his life somewhere, Bartrand finally pulling him out of a sewer in the docks.

‘Yes, it does, rather. I’m sorry that happened to you Varric, for what it’s worth.’ Lea took a deep breath, framing the words she wanted to avoid patronising him. ‘Your loyalty to her, in the face of all you’ve been subjected to, is remarkable.’

It was worth a lot. To not be belittled. To not be called a foolish dreamer. Wasting his years away on a woman who would never return the same level of devotion he did. Pining for a lover who had repeatedly broken his heart. Along with all the other disparagements he hurled at himself.

‘Yes well. That’s the story. Do we have to talk about it still?’ Varric didn’t mean to sound so grouchy, but he was damned if talking about it didn’t open a nerve.

‘Just one more question. Are you going to write to her? You might regret it if you don’t.’ Her unwelcome, yet spot on comment opened that nerve up further, with all the precision of Bull’s greataxe hacking through a limb. ‘Don’t get me wrong. I’m hardly liable to be civil to Bianca if I ever see her again. But it’s not my relationship. And this – I think you might want to consider it.’

‘I don’t know,’ Varric replied, his voice heavy in the darkness. ‘I don’t know anything any more, Lea.’

That he’d used her name spoke volumes as to the state of his soul on that particular subject. She nodded and let it go, both of them sitting quietly. He stared into the orange light in front of him, cursing himself for the biggest moron that had ever blundered their way through Thedas.

‘It’s how you get it though. I always wondered,’ Lea’s musings cut through thoughts he was happy to shove mercilessly to one side. ‘You know people, the depths of pain, the highs of love and everything in between. The story of your life covers it all.’  

‘And yours doesn’t? I’m going to write a book on this when we’re done. The daring Inquisitor and her dashing Commander.’ Sarcasm was much better, Varric keen to deflect the attention away from what they’d been discussing.

‘Don’t you bloody well dare, Master Tethras, or I will open a rift and shove you through it myself.’ Lea grinned at him good-naturedly, knowing he’d never invade on their privacy to that extent.

He was still going to write something though. The Inquisition itself was too good an opportunity to miss.

‘It’s remarkable what you have been through and survived, Frosty. The pair of you. How are you getting on?’

‘Incredible, given everything. I worry about Cullen, though. He took on so much, for me. On top of what he has to deal with already – the lyrium, the – the past. How do you get over that?’ Lea’s anxiety was palatable, those cracks Dorian had mentioned surfacing again at the mere thought of what Cullen had suffered.

‘You know there was no other way to save you, right? Than what Curly managed? I’m pretty sure he’d prefer doing what he did then having you a corpse somewhere in that wasteland of Northern Orlais.’ There it was again – their greatest strength was each other.

The moment it failed, it became their biggest weakness. Varric was reminded of Cullen’s desperation earlier over the Vivienne debacle, something Lea was fully aware of. He feverently hoped they sorted it out between them before they headed into the Temple of Mythal.

‘Knowing doesn’t stop me fretting though,’ Lea said with a glower, reaching for another piece of the steadily decreasing toffee pile. ‘You lot aren’t the only ones thinking to the future. Maker, I just want to be done with this.’

‘And go home? Yeah, me too. And sheep can fly over the Cathedral at Val Royaeux if you think it’s as simple as that.’ That elicited a laugh, which was good. He was done with miserable conversations.

‘So everyone tells me. You, Cullen, Alistair, Josephine, Dorian – the list continues. Speaking of which, he’s on his way.’

The way her whole face and body seemed to glow with that information was astounding. It was impossible for Varric to feel any kind of antagonism over it – not when it came to those two at least. He wasn’t sure he could cope with experiencing a similar depth of emotion that permanently flowed between them.

‘Nothing is hidden is it?’ he blurted out before he could stop himself. Why, he hadn’t a clue – he should have known the answer by now.

‘I wouldn’t have it any other way, though.’ Lea understood what he was really asking. ‘We need each other. I realise that now. That sounds basic and obvious, but I can’t quite explain it any better.’

Varric didn’t reply as he watched Lea turn to give Cullen the most brilliant smile. He just managed to stifle a laugh as Cullen momentarily looked like he’d been hit by a log, blinking in a happy bewilderment. It came complete with a stupefied grin before coming he came to his senses and sat down next to her.

‘Drink, Curly? It seems to be the night for sitting round a campfire, swapping stories. You have some good ones after all.’ The look of guilty amusement, and something shared just the two of them knew - at what Varric had thought was an innocuous statement – was unmissable.

_No, I really do not want to know. At all._

‘Thanks, Varric.’ Cullen gratefully accepted the proffered mug, looking around at the now deserted area where they’d stopped for the night. ‘Just the two of you up this late?’

‘We had things to discuss.’ Lea rubbed her temples in a vain attempt to stem the tide of despondency she’d felt since she’d heard of Vivienne’s escape. ‘It seems my red lyrium ravings were more accurate than I realised, Cullen.’

‘Red lyrium ravings?’ Now he felt lost, having no clue what Lea was referring to.

‘When I was getting sicker from the nightmares – I was convinced I needed to execute Vivienne. She used to come to me in them. She still does. I put it down to my madness.’ She looked across at Cullen gloomily, who’d taken her hand to comfort her. ‘I should have just forced that order through now. I wasn’t as crazy as I thought but I didn’t think anyone would take me seriously.’

‘We could play the blame game all night, my lady Inquisitor,’ Cullen replied firmly, neither of them wanting her to go down the path of self-recrimination and guilt. ‘I did take it seriously – I went and checked on her many times before I left and after our return, trying to understand what you meant. If you really want to do this, you can pin the responsibility on me for not acting in your stead.’

‘Frosty, we said there was nothing to be done right now.’ Varric reminded her, wondering if he should force himself to go into more detail on his sorry affair with Bianca to distract her.

‘Varric’s right, Leaena. We will find out what happened, and this time you can have the pleasure of chopping her head off yourself. But in the meantime, focus on what is important.’ Cullen paused, putting an arm around her shoulders as she leant into him with a sigh. ‘Is Vivienne really that important?’

‘No, she absolutely is not. You’re both right.’ Lea relaxed her body against Cullen’s side, her head resting on his shoulder as she looked up at Varric. ‘But the timing – it’s so bizarre. And who?’

‘There is something,’ he replied slowly, not wanting to promise more than he could deliver. ‘It’s in my head. But we are breaking the ban you yourself imposed on mentioning her name.’

‘Indeed. There is no point dwelling on it.’ Cullen rubbed the back of his neck as he tried to prevent a yawn. ‘Maker’s Breath that was a tedious waste of time.’

‘But I thought you lived for the useful information Jim goes to such efforts to provide you with.’ Varric was unrepentant as the Commander’s expression turned to one of pure exasperation. ‘You bring it on yourself, Curly.’

‘Yes, you do.’ Lea agreed, laughing as she remembered Cullen’s reaction to his scout. ‘Why don’t you give him to someone else who he won’t be quite as terrified of?’

‘I tried!’ Cullen protested, in a futile effort to explain why the lad was still there. ‘He refused. Said he likes it with the Inquisition’s forces. What else could I do?’

‘Soft touch? You – ‘. Lea was about to say something further when a huge yawn overtook her.

‘If you’re done insulting my choices, the pair of you, I think you need to sleep.’ Cullen’s easy grin at their jests was in contrast to his stern tone as he helped Lea to her feet.

Varric often thought he’d seen it all. Then, life threw at curveball at him just to prove him wrong.

Of all the things he never thought he’d see, it would be the man before him time and time again demonstrating the utmost love and care for a mage. It was the polar opposite of the Templar he’d known all those long years in Kirkwall.

The change was astounding, to the point where Varric wondered if he’d slipped into a parallel universe by mistake. When he’d started with the Inquisition, something in him was already different from the Knight-Commander – but this was a whole new level. And a better one. Cullen finally on the mend was truly a sight to behold.

Varric could only dream of the same kind of contentment that the Commander had found.

‘I do need sleep, yes.’ She relaxed against Cullen as she looked across at Varric, her expression serious. ‘Just think on what I said.’

He waved them both goodnight, not bothering to reply as he watched them walk over to their tent. His mind, however, was somewhere else entirely, Lea’s words replaying over and over in his mind.

Bianca, in all his years of trying to persuade her, hadn’t left her husband. That wasn’t about to change now. Yet, when staring the potential of his imminent death right in the face, he knew he couldn’t leave things the way they were.

With a shrug of helplessness, he reached for the writing supplies he’d had out earlier, starting to pen a letter to the woman he could never seem to stay away from.

There could be a happy ending for the Inquisitor and the Commander yet, as they all played out the final acts of this drama. One thing was certain to Varric, however – there would be no riding off into the sunset for him with his lady love in his arms.

The only noises were the occasional hoot of an owl and the scratches of his quill on the parchment. It was with some sadness he realised this would be how it would be for the rest of his life. For if he were to write his own love story, it would forever remain under the category of tragedy.


	94. A Last Stand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to give a massive thank you to all of you wonderful readers for following Cullen and Lea's story to now. This is a huge fiction and it takes time to read the size of chapters I somehow end up with. That you all dedicate a portion of your day to read this tale leaves me in awe and has often inspired me to continue when chapters got challenging - these last few in particular.
> 
> I will be sharing the canon for Lea's family and background, along with other short side stories with them both and their companions that I have put to one side to focus on this. I have a few questions and prompts and I am more than happy to answer those on Tumblr - If you have anything you want to discuss about the story, do let me know. My blog is still a WIP but happily a very kind person who understands HTML and CSS is helping me so it should be fully functioning soon. To all of you already following me - thank you for your patience whilst I sort it out.
> 
> I am also planning on having illustrations done for most of the major chapters. I have the one wonderful portarit of Cullen and am awaiting two more, with several others planned over the coming weeks. Most are by the same artist. I will upload them here, of course, but Tumblr is more effective for viewing art. 
> 
> So finally, many, many thanks and virtual hugs for the bookmarks, subscriptions, the kudos and thoughtful, lovely comments from this somewhat emotional author. It has been awesome to have you with me on Cullen and Lea's journey. We are, for this part of their lives at least, nearing the end and I can't quite believe it. Although it's not quite over yet....
> 
> I shall now stick to my rule of not interfering with your reading and leave you be.

Green canvas walls pressed in on Cullen as he tried his best to ignore the merciless claustrophobia. It wasn’t made any easier by the rain hammering down outside, drumming on the tent and dripping down in puddles around their feet. The air was thick with humidity, making his searing headache worse as well as turning everything around him soggy. Nothing was spared – maps, papers nor the cotton underclothes that were sticking to his clammy skin, leaving him sweltering underneath his armour.

The drumming of water above his head didn’t drown out the noise of battle either, the distant chants and cries of the Inquisition troops engaging Corypheus’ forces never far away. The lingering stench of death and decay hung over their camp like a pestilent black cloud, a constant reminder to him of what Leaena would soon be facing.

Their armies had been attacking for a week now and Cullen had barely slept. He’d been dashing between the various fronts of the battle and their main camp, rallying their forces and impatiently awaiting the latest intelligence so he could plot the Inquisition’s next move. They’d met with fierce resistance from the Red Templars, Venatori and the remainder of the magister’s Grey Wardens who had escaped Adamant.

But there was no sign of Samson. Or Corypehus himself. Or Vivienne, for that matter. Cullen stared at the map on the table in front of him, focussing on the place names in a vain attempt to wipe out the stabbing needles behind his eyes.

The thought of all three of them on the loose somewhere, ready to appear at a moment’s notice, was enough to ensure the nauseating pain stayed right where it was.

_Am I destined to spend the rest of my life feeling like a failure? That there was always something more I could have done?_

_Yes, I could have. And now it comes back to mercilessly haunt me._

Vivienne’s disappearance had left them staggered, morale crashing amongst Leaena’s Inner Circle. Not the least him. There had been plenty of opportunities for recrimination and regret these last ten days. What might have been. What ifs. His head was so full of them he wasn’t sure their incessant circling would ever leave him be.

For someone who prided himself on being a master strategist, Cullen had completely been outmanoeuvred by the woman he’d convinced himself was no longer a threat. The escape had been timed to perfection, aimed at disrupting Leaena’s equilibrium while she was still not back to full health.

In his heart of hearts, he’d known that night at the Winter Palace wouldn’t be over. He’d known when he saw the frenzied note from Leaena calling for her execution. She had seen something in her Blight-tainted hell that had frightened her beyond measure.

_And I didn’t listen._

_Now, I will count the cost of such a gross miscalculation._

The price was a neurotic Inquisitor, all the progress from her recovery disappearing in one fell stroke. To the outside world, she was still the same, purposeful, determined and relentless in her pursuit of victory. Her armies adored her, inspired by her rousing speech before they set off for their first engagement with Corypehus and his fanatics.

Even her companions – aside from perhaps Varric and Solas – were not aware of the true extent of Leaena’s deterioration.

He knew better, however. The sheer cost of maintaining such a façade was taking its toll alone. Underneath that fragile mask was a fear so potent it was beginning to influence all of her decisions.

_Both of us with nightmares? Screaming the camp down?_

His demon had returned to seek retribution, stalking his thoughts and stealing his memories, turning every sleeping moment into horror so acute he was scared to even close his eyes.

_I always keep my promises, Cullen……_

 ‘Cullen? What’s the matter?’ Leliana managed to drag him back to the discussion, his mind having wandered too far away from his immediate concerns.

‘The Vivienne thing. Which is pointless right now I know.’ With a frustrated grimace, Cullen gave his full attention to the conversation that had been taking place whilst he’d been woolgathering.

‘There is a squad of Wardens holed up here. And then a further group of infantry here – almost half a battalion, according to my reports.’ Ser Michel de Chevin frowned in irritation at the map, seemingly affronted by the Venatori’s audacity in blocking his troops’ path.

On the one hand, Cullen respected and admired Gaspard’s commander. A formidable Chevalier, he was one of the most experienced soldiers in the Orlesian army. They were fortunate to have such sound advice and expertise amongst their advisory group. He was good-natured, intelligent and easy to work alongside, unlike some of the whinging Orlesian nobles who had come with the Emperor’s entourage.

Then on the other hand, Michel was a tall, well-built, good-looking warrior with an accent that seemed to send half the women in the camp into a daze whenever he walked past.

_Leaena’s type exactly._

‘Zealots fight with religious fervour for their false idol. This level of resistance was unexpected.’ Leliana’s words reminding Cullen of how much they had misjudged the situation – and how much harder they had made things for themselves.

It was just the three of them under the large tent that served as their operations centre, planning how best to break through the stranglehold of red-lyrium powered soldiers to get to the Temple. The terrain was as unforgiving as Morrigan had promised. Their forces were getting bogged down in quagmires, empty streambeds suddenly turning into gushing rivers impassable by normal means. The Arbor Wilds had its own defences, significantly impeding their progress.

‘We need to advance through that gorge. There is a line through the troop of archers Leliana’s scouts ambushed the other day.’  Cullen refused to commit more men to a losing battle, looking again at the positioning of the enemy as he racked his brain for any other option.

‘That could work, but our men would come under heavy fire,’ Michel agreed cautiously. ‘We could create a diversion to ensure her safety.’

Cullen had to quash the crazy urge to tell this interloper it was his job to look after Leaena’s safety.

That she had shown nothing aside from friendliness to Celene’s former champion was irrelevant. That Michel had shown nothing but courtesy and respect to her was irrelevant. Over the last few days, the venomous tentacles of paranoia and jealousy, emotions Cullen had thought buried forever, had returned with a vengeance. Leaena knew it too, and nothing she could say or do seemed to reassure him.

_Based on nothing but the deluded belief that I will never see her again after this._

‘Where is Lea? She needs to make a decision – we can’t keep up this intensity of fighting.’ Leliana looked worried, feeling the stress of the situation as much as he was. ‘You are right on this approach, Cullen. But it can only be a very small force that goes through undetected.’

‘And we can’t clear that area any more. It is, however, geographically at a significant disadvantage for Samson’s men. Still, Lea and her companions will have to fight their way through.’ Michel looked enquiringly over to him. ‘Where is she?’

Cullen had sensed the ebb and flow of her magic for well over two hours now. She had spent most of her time working with the other mages to assist with the wounded that were coming back into the camp by the cartload. It had been the same every day since the fighting started – not able to join the combat, she’d needed to assist in a practical way.

They’d had a fight about it, Leaena sometimes insisting on travelling deep into dangerous areas to give their troops support. If he’d had his way she’d never set foot outside of this tent but she had overridden him. It was her right to do so, but the point still rankled.

‘Still with the healers. But she won’t be long now.’ He couldn’t help but feel protective of her, trying his best to stem the tide of such corrosive damage to her mind. ‘I hope anyway. Restoration magic taxes her far more than any other.’

‘We need to do something soon, Commander. Our situation is fast becoming untenable.’ Michel was grave as he looked at him, piercing blue eyes giving the underlying message Cullen knew he couldn’t ignore.

The tide of the battle was turning against them. And they had to do something about it, fast.

‘Let’s place our efforts on the gorge in that case. We need to give ourselves time to get into position and onto that path. Samson has thrown most of his men at the frontline in an attempt to overpower us by brute force alone.’ Cullen’s disparaging tone made no secret of his opinion on the ex-Templar’s tactics.

His heart clenched in agony at the thought of Leaena going to face Samson alone.

‘Samson was ever one to rely on strength rather than cunning,’ Leliana’s scathing tone concurring with his assessment. ‘That will be his undoing. Once Lea gets past this initial barrage then we will face little resistance.’

Cullen knew how she would react when he told her she wouldn’t be going to the Temple without him. It would be the exact same way when he’d told her the first time. Outright denial. It had led to another heated argument, exacerbated by the strain they were both under.

He had managed to let the subject drop that time. Only just. His forbearance had been worn thin by the surprising amount of opposition the Inquisition and their allies were encountering from Corypheus. He needed to fight something, anything, to make him feel he was swinging the battle in their favour. Ultimately, however, it would only be the resolution of whatever lay in that Temple that would put an end to it.

‘It is the only option left open to us, I believe.’ Michel’s stark warning of the peril they were in only adding to his sense of futility. ‘Aside from that road to the west – no, that would take longer. Time is of the essence.’

Just when Cullen thought he couldn’t feel any more aggravated with the situation, Michel reminded him just how much danger Leaena was in. ‘This bridge is heavily defended and the bulk of the Red Templars are in that area. We need to make Lea aware of this before she gives the order to her companions. I presume you two will remain here?’

Michel’s comment was perfectly innocent, but Cullen found himself bristling, simply because he wanted to be the one to have those discussions with her – not the too-pretty Orlesian upstart.

The fact that Leaena still hadn’t named who she was taking with her had stung him more than he liked to admit. He’d assumed he would go once he pointed out all the advantages to her and he wasn’t prepared to accept anything less.

‘I will tell her –‘. Abruptly he stopped himself snarling a response as he sensed Leaena’s approach. ‘I must give orders for a joint mage and Templar unit to defeat that group blocking the route from the river.’

Her timely arrival prevented Cullen from making a total idiot out of himself. He gave an inward sigh of exasperation, knowing he needed to find a better way to respond to the other man – one that wasn’t laced with unwarranted antagonism.

Leaena made her way into the tent, pushing back her hood and wiping the water from her face. Gaspard had been right behind her, he belatedly realised, berating himself for his continued lapses in concentration.

‘Le- Inquisitor.’ Cullen managed to stop himself just in time from being so informal.

He felt himself relax now she was here, her mere presence alone normally enough to ease the withdrawal symptoms – even at their peak. The bands of tension around his brain hadn’t relinquished their grip and he didn’t want to dwell on the reasons why.

The relentless clawing in his stomach taunted him with his innermost fear – that it wasn’t just Leaena who wouldn’t be strong enough to take on Samson.

‘Good afternoon everyone.’ Leaena’s greeting was almost drowned out by the thunder that had just started to boom repeatedly above their heads.

‘Cullen, really, we are in the middle of a battlefield. There is no need for such formality between allies.’ His attempt at a bow was cut abruptly short by Gaspard waving him back upright.

‘Thank you, your – Gaspard,’ he finished awkwardly. For all that he respected the Emperor, Cullen was fervently wishing they could just kill Corypheus and Samson and leave all the Orlesian nobility far behind.

He caught Leaena’s gaze as he righted himself, noting with worry the appearance of dark circles like bruises under her eyes. Her smile, albeit tired, was saved just for him – yet there was something about it that gave him pause.  She was hiding something from him but he had no idea what it was. They were normally so open with one another her reticence was glaringly apparent. She was unable to hold his gaze, the flush spreading across her too-pale skin telling him all he needed to know.

Leaena was shattered, her mana severely depleted, yet whatever it was she was holding back, it hadn’t prevented her from obsessively worrying about him. That ingrained anxiety was the reason she didn’t want him to join in the hunt for Samson, terrified she’d lose him to lyrium of either colour. The hell of her dreams tormented her with the vision of a Templar addicted to one or the other, uncaring how many people he destroyed in his wake.  

Cullen was only certain of one thing - he wouldn’t like what she had to say. That he suspected he knew what it was made his insecurities skyrocket, struggling to maintain a semblance of normality in front of the others.  

_She knows._

He’d tried his best to ignore the subtly enticing whispers encouraging him to enhance his power and strength the only way he knew how. Each long, torturous day saw the list of fatalities he was presented with rise at a depressingly rapid rate, the casualties pouring into camp a bleak portent of the future should they fail.

_I should be taking it._

Blinking the unwelcome thought away, he looked across at Leaena once more. Her lips were pinched with pain as she tried to rub her own headache away. She was too thin, having lost weight again on their long trip through the Arbor Wilds, her stamina reduced to almost nothing. An overabundance of stress was beginning to take its toll on her temper, leaving her with an even shorter fuse than normal.

Hearing Gaspard, Michel and Leliana were still talking about an issue with one of Michel’s captains, he grabbed her pack and went to her side.

‘Here. You’ve done too much haven’t you?’ Even with so much unsaid between them, Cullen wished he could pull her close and erase that almost permanent line she now had etched across her forehead.

Instead, he reached inside the bag for the familiar feel of a lyrium vial. The deep blue liquid clinging to the side of the glass caught his attention, as it always did. Its delicate shimmer made him wonder how something so lethal could look so pretty. The call had been strong these last few days, the craving so intense he’d had to excuse himself from meetings, pacing frantically somewhere hidden as he struggled to regain control of his mind. 

Somehow he hid the worst of his tremors from Leaena, holding out the potion to her. As he forced his fingers to relinquish the bottle, he hated himself for the weakness that continued to plague him still.

 ‘Cullen,’ she chided, not fooled by his attempts to hide just how badly he was affected. ‘Let me take that later when you aren’t around.’

‘I am fine. You are not.’ She looked like she was about to collapse. ‘Drink. But not too much. Lyrium is good for no-one, not even mages.’

‘Give me a second in that case.’ She grudgingly accepted the proffered bottle then turned her back.

He couldn’t see her drinking – usually enough when things were bad to hold the false promises of merciful release at bay. Yet as he stared at dark patches of water spreading across her cloak, he was beginning to convince himself lyrium was something he could no longer function without.

Proximity to its seductive lies had, until very recently, stopped bothered him. He’d fed Leaena more vials than he could count when they’d rescued her and had barely noticed the irresistibly sweet smell teasing his nostrils.

Now, with her several feet away, Cullen actually had to stop breathing to avoid the cloying scent feeding the demands of the remaining lyrium in his body. Screaming and kicking didn’t even begin to cover the pandemonium in his head. He could visualise her pressing the rim of the glass to her lips, the viscous fluid lining her throat, each heavy drop rolling across her tongue as she savoured the purity of lyrium’s essence…..

‘Cullen – are you alright?’

He shook his head, back once more in the tent. Leaena’s alarmed whisper had cut through the fog of burning thirst that was clouding his brain.

In reality, she had rapidly uncorked the blasted thing and drunk its contents as fast as she could to prevent such flights of madness as that one.

‘I – I’m – yes. Sorry. Tired, I guess.’ He gave a cynical smile, his attempts to deceive her pointless. ‘I don’t know why I bother trying to hide it from you.’

‘You shouldn’t. I am so sorry you’re finding it this impossible. You’re doing amazingly well. Both with the symptoms and with this fucking never-ending war.’ She didn’t reach out to take his hand, much though he knew she wanted to.

‘Stay strong for me. Don’t listen to lyrium’s siren call, no matter what happens.’ Her sapphire blue eyes demanded he stay true to himself whilst her iron will bolstered his floundering resolve. ‘Promise me, Cullen.’

The insistence in her hushed voice reminded him of his purpose. The monsters shouting for the blue slowly receded, giving him back a modicum of focus as his heartrate returned to normal.  

‘I promise. It won’t happen again.’ Saying that out loud might have been more to assure himself than anyone else.

Cullen was walking a fine line between maintaining his self-control and losing it in such spectacular fashion he’d be completely ruined.

‘You will tell me, won’t you? If –‘.

Leanea wasn’t given a chance to finish her sentence as Leliana came over to join them both. ‘Lea, I have just had an urgent message from my agents. They’ve spotted Corypheus and Samson.’

That got their attention as they immediately turned to face the others.

‘Where?’ Leaena demanded impatiently, Cullen feeling the anticipation and fear in equal parts surging through her. ‘I will not run from the bastard this time!’

Gaspard gestured to the trail they’d been discussing earlier. ‘Just on the other side of the river, near the ruins to the north.’

‘The heavily fortified ones, Inquisitor,’ Michel added gravely as he moved some of the Orlesian pins on the map. ‘Archers, foot soldiers and mages are a potentially deadly combination. They have at least five hundred troops there alone, ensuring Samson’s path to the temple is kept clear.’

‘We thought this would also be the fastest route through.’ Cullen felt irritated and he had no idea why, looking at the spot Michel proposed they send a battalion of cavalry and infantry. ‘The Orlesians can create a diversion – and we can send two hundred mages with Fiona –‘.

‘Do I have to?’ Leaena exhaled slowly, her antagonism towards the former First Enchanter not having dissipated one jot.

‘I know you don’t trust her, but she was a Grey Warden and is the most experienced mage commander in our ranks.’ He could sense her reluctance, the Tevinter and the Vivienne debacle never far from her thoughts. ‘We are running out of options, Leaena, and losing this battle. If we don’t do something unexpected, it will be over.’

‘My apologies. I’m standing here bitching and people are dying every second we delay.’ His blunt reminder of just how badly things were going had made her visibly wince. ‘So be it. Now is not the time for hesitation.’

She looked across to Gaspard and Michel. ‘We are most grateful for the support of the Orlesain forces. How long will it take for you to be in position?’

‘The vanguard have already engaged with the enemy. Michel is ready to depart with you.’ Gaspard confirmed then looking at the tent entrance in annoyance as an Imperial Army scout entered. ‘Why am I being disturbed now, of all times?’

_Michel? What?_

Looking terrified, the young man bowed deeply as he presented the irate Emperor with a note. Then catching a glimpse of Cullen’s furious expression, the messenger nearly fainted.

Gaspard frowned as he read the contents, passing it to Michel to read. ‘You will have to excuse me, Lea. We are experiencing fierce resistance on the eastern reaches of the forest and our supply lines have been disrupted. The sooner we can end whatever it is in that accursed Temple the better. The list of wounded and dead grows longer by the hour.’

With a distracted nod to them all, the Emperor left them to salvage what he could of an impossible situation.

Cullen was reeling, unable to concentrate as his brain refused to process just what Leaena had done. He’d known what she’d kept from him would be bad, and that she was going to refuse his presence. The last thing he’d been expecting was for her to choose to take another man in his place.

She had made all the arrangements for the assault on the Temple and hadn’t discussed it with him. It didn’t matter that she’d done it to protect him - her betrayal and lack of trust cut him to the bone.

‘Gaspard is right. We take the fight to Corypheus.’ Leaena was refusing to look at him, well aware of just how angry he was. ‘I will depart as soon as we are done here. Where exactly is this gap we can slip through, Cullen?’

Cullen heard the metal in his gauntlets scrape together as he clenched his fists hard, only just preventing a less than professional rejoinder from slipping out.

‘Through here.’ He feigned civility, pointing to the exact spot of the weak point. ‘You will face skirmishes, so I suggest a company of our men to join you, perhaps fifty or so.’

‘Fine, although I doubt they will be able to enter the Temple.’ Leaena finally turned to him, shadows darkening her eyes, pleading with him to give her a chance. ‘We will stick to our agreed tactic and try to separate the two of them. Corypheus remains an unknown quantity to us. But Samson we have information on. And his armour. I need to get close enough to him to take his head off in one go – or he will simply regenerate.’

There it was. The dread he’d been pushing into the furthest reaches of his mind. Leaena up against Samson with his armour still intact, not to mention Corypheus bearing down on her with a dragon in tow.

_And the reason I should be going, not some Orlesian who doesn’t understand!_

They hadn’t found anything useful in the Shrine of Dumat to counterbalance the effects of Samson’s red lyrium-infused plate, nor the red lyrium in his body. Short of one of them ingesting the foul substance itself, there was nothing they could do to match his strength.

Remembering Leaena had tried to do exactly that made Cullen want to be sick. It wasn’t just that she was unrelenting in her need to tackling Samson and Corypheus on her own – it was that she might get exposed to its tainted madness once more.

‘My reports state that they are travelling with a group of a hundred or so Red Templars.’ A look of perplexity crossed Leliana's face as she flicked through her papers. ‘And something about a red sword. Does that make sense to anyone?’

Leaena closed her eyes, her gloved hands flying to her face as she tried to hide her reaction to the news. That made no difference to him of course, his stomach twisting into knots as he sensed her distress, the memories of her time in Samson’s lair swamping her mind.

‘There was a sword. I remember now. He didn’t wear it, apart from once.’ Her voice was muffled through the leather as she forced the words out. ‘It wasn’t red but it was made with red lyrium.’

_It can’t be…._

A horrible thought then occurred to Cullen. A vision from years ago sprung up from nowhere – yet again when he was faced with another desperate battle and another mage facing down a lunatic with a red lyrium sword.

‘That’s impossible! It was destroyed! The proof of that is solidified in the Gallows!’ he blurted out, the other three turning to stare at him, even Leaena, whose arms had fallen back to her sides in surprise at his outburst.

Hawke had been pushed beyond her limits to finally secure victory, but he’d at least been there to support her. Unlike this time, where the heroine of this epic nightmare fully intended on leaving him behind. Acid churned through his blood at what she’d be up against – and this time with no help in her misguided notion to keep him safe.

‘What do you – that one?’ Leliana gasped in dismay. ‘How is that possible?’

‘This sword – what is it and why are you both so concerned?’ Michel asked, perturbed and a hint of alarm creeping into his voice.

‘Meredith’s sword. It was made of red lyrium, from the idol that Hawke and Varric found.’ That night of death and destruction would never leave him, even now, coming back to taunt him with his mistakes. ‘It shattered – she overused its powers. Or so I thought. But based on what you’ve said about Samson’s actions in the past…..and now this news? I fear it can be no other.’

Leaena was looking whiter than he’d ever seen her. She knew all about the infamous sword. He’d told her about it when he’d rescued her from Kirkwall.

‘Alright. So we have this sword that gives Samson what? Extra powers? He is still a man at the end of the day. He bleeds like anyone else. There must be a way.’ Michel was trying his best to take a pragmatic approach in the face of even more bad news as he looked to Cullen for more answers.

Answers he didn’t have.

‘Well, Meredith used it to summon giant blade-wielding statues to life and fly through the air. What fun and games Samson and Corypheus will be able to unleash on us I have no fucking clue.’

He knew that flippant remark had irritated Leaena. He didn’t care if he was being offensive – scenarios of doom he’d replayed over and over in his head were now coming to life in the most terrifying manner possible.

How Leaena planned to go up against Corypheus and his general with no more armour or weaponry than she currently had at her disposal, Cullen had no idea. It was why he had to be there, with all his knowledge and expertise that would ensure they triumphed.

‘Michel is right. This makes no difference, fancy sword or no.’ Cullen, still stunned from her earlier announcement then stared at her in shock as she agreed with Michel instead of her advisors.

Her next statement sent him hurtling over the edge into a molten pit of rage.

‘I will enter with Michel, Varric, Solas and Cassandra. Morrigan was already going to accompany me. If you could arrange for our troops to depart now, Commander, we will rendezvous with them at the aqueduct.’

_How can she do this to me!_

Cullen felt the last vestiges of his patience vanish. The terror of losing her had turned to fury, for want of any other outlet to vent his frustration. He was frantic, trying to think of another way to stop her and coming up with a blank no matter which way he tried.

Why Leaena was doing this wasn't important. He knew she was trying to protect him, desperate to not see him exposed to the insanity she’d somehow survived. She’d forgotten that it was his fight as well, the punishment he needed to deliver for what Corypheus' general had done to her at the forefront of his mind. Samson’s time to face him, after the years of evasion, had finally arrived.

 ‘A word, Inquisitor?’ He felt her flinch away from his crushing disappointment even as her own temper flared, already smouldering at the way he’d spoken to the Chevalier.

Leliana recognised the hardness in his voice, frowning at him to proceed with caution.

It was too late for that. He was the one person Samson would not wish to face in battle. Leaena would listen to reason or he would simply follow her anyway.

‘Lea, you really should consider –‘. Leliana didn’t get any further than that as Leaena held up her hand to stop her talking, a mulish scowl on her face.

Resigned, Leliana threw up her hands, pulling her cloak close to her. ‘Michel, you’d better get ready. I will give the order, Cullen.’

Sensing an impending row, Michel hastily agreed as Leliana looked at him once more with an open warning in her eyes.

She could warn him all she wanted – it wasn’t Leliana's love walking out into the unknown with two crazed madmen wanting to put an immediate end to her life.

There was no sound as Leaena stood, her arms crossed defiantly, refusing to budge an inch. The rain was still torrential, thunderclaps shaking the sky above them. He didn’t notice a thing. All Cullen felt now was the urgent need to make her see reason, his deep hurt at excluding him morphing into rage. He was driven by the mind-numbing terror she would die – or worse, turn into that which he dreaded the most.

‘Do you want to tell me why?’ His words hung in the air, Leaena refusing to be cowed, her mood deteriorating at his aggressive tone.

She knew exactly what he was referring to, merely demonstrating she knew how wrong she was. And was denying it – to herself.

‘Our men and women, dying for us – they need you here.’ Her chin raised with every word, trying to pretend that was the reason why.

‘Bullshit!’ he snapped, his anger roaring to the surface. ‘How do you think this makes me feel, Leaena?’

‘You think I don’t know? This is for your own good. I won’t see you suffer – look at you earlier!’ She bit her lip in agitation, pulling her arms tighter across her chest.

‘So I’m incapable, is that what you’re suggesting?’ Cullen could see her fighting not to give in, the stubborn tilt to her head defying him his chance for revenge.

 ‘That’s beneath you. Or at least I thought it was. I just told you what a fantastic job you were doing – how well you were managing under such duress!’ Blue eyes, sparking with her own temper, challenged him right back. ‘I didn’t take you for someone who needed their ego constantly massaged. Perhaps I should send you to Orlais more often.’

That wasn’t what she’d meant at all and he knew it. The cruel bite of her refusal, however, had cut him to the core and he was going to pick every argument of hers apart until she was left with no room for manoeuver.

‘Don’t change the subject in an attempt to wriggle out of this. You need to give me a far better reason than that to justify going out there on your own!’ Cullen couldn’t stop himself from shouting those last few words out – it was the crux of this whole pointless argument, after all.

‘Like it or not, you are needed here! You are the Commander of the Inquisition’s forces and you can’t just bugger off into the line of fire to settle some ancient feud the two of you had!’

She immediately realised her mistake in minimising the enmity between the two men, but still refused to concede. The tension crackling between them was charged with emotion as they both continued to deny the true reason for their anger. They were too ground down by the negative tide of war that did nothing aside from highlight just how close they were to losing each other.

The possibility that one of them would not make it back had become too terrifyingly real for either of them to back down.

‘That’s not good enough, Inquisitor.’ The steel in his voice merely added to her now blistering fury at being taken to task over her decision. ‘I’m fascinated to know just how you propose to take Samson down on your own with just three companions, a witch and a lightweight to support you. ‘

‘So who is accusing who of being incapable now? And not just me! Flemeth’s daughter and Gaspard’s own general?’ She pushed strands of wet hair from her forehead, quivering with rage at his derision of her and her chosen companions. ‘Like it or not, it is my decision that you stay. Deal with it!’

‘Deal with….what the fuck kind of response is that?’ Cullen couldn’t believe her flippant retort, his temper long having since overridden his judgement.

‘The only one you’re getting.’ She shot back immediately, unrepentant even as he felt her misery, bewildered as to how they’d ended up exchanging such brutal words just when they needed each other the most.

That he shared it too made everything worse, unable to stop now he’d started. He was hitting out at the one thing he loved more than life itself in his panic to not lose her.

‘You’re wrong on every count. Do you want to ruin this for all of us? Because waltzing in there with no one else is an open invitation for Samson to do exactly what he did to you before! It’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard you come up with!’

‘Why do you doubt me so much?’ Leaena was shouting now, her own frustration boiling over at the dire situation. ‘Oh what’s the fucking point! It should be obvious that Michel is joining us because of his knowledge of eluvians –‘.

At the mention of the Chevalier, Cullen didn’t give her a chance to continue, almost deafened by the blood roaring in his ears that she’d chosen another warrior over him.

‘Chevin? Why? Or are you planning something else?’ He was a wounded animal lashing out in his pain, hurling the unjustified accusation at her simply to ensure she felt as vile as he did. ‘And you wonder why I doubt you so much!’

That she was hurting just as badly was something he found far easier to ignore.

‘Seriously, Cullen? At a time like this, that’s all you can bloody well think of?’ Leaena’s scathing voice whipped across his conscience, the fact that she was absolutely right doing nothing to prevent the blackness from devouring his entire being. ‘I can assure you the last thing I want to do is start a sordid affair in the middle of a fucking war zone!’

‘Do you think I’m going to let another man near you, regardless of the reason why? You are going nowhere without me, Leaena! Not if I have pick you up and carry you to the Temple myself!’ The guilt he felt at accusing her of something so unjust dissolved in the face of her continued obstinacy.

‘Fuck this. I am done with you and your childish insinuations.’ She grabbed her pack, stuffing her notes in haphazardly, wanting to escape the tense atmosphere in the tent. ‘You have your orders. See to it you obey them!’

Leaena didn’t even bother drawing up her sodden hood, nor to look at him as she departed in a welter of hopelessness and devastation – all caused by him.

Cullen stood there, frozen, incredulous that she’d stormed off; a fact that only infuriated him further. Yet, underneath the rolling waves of fury, he loved her so much it was causing him physical pain – now made unbearable because he’d, yet again, said such despicable things to her.

_She hasn’t told me the real reason why she’s doing this._

The nagging voice that told him she was entirely right to end such a useless argument evaporated as he remembered how skilfully she had avoided discussing his legitimate concerns.   

As he staked out of the tent to follow after Leaena, he put his hand in his pocket, feeling the Ferelden silver he’d been meaning to return to her. He’d had it crafted into a necklace as a surprise so she could wear it round her neck and feel it against her skin – something she’d been intending to do herself.

Seeing her disappearing into a thick curtain of rain and mist, Cullen swore loudly, the coin forgotten as he lengthened his stride to catch up with her.

\------

Lea was walking towards her horse, the heels of her boots hitting the gravel so hard the buckles were rattling. If her feet stopped moving then she was liable to say something she seriously regretted, and now was not the time. Her anger was at such a peak she felt she might pass out from the sheer toxicity of its force.

In the furthest reaches of her mind, she knew there was never a time for this kind of conversation – ever. It didn’t seem to have stopped her on today, of all days. Perhaps that was the reason why an awkward moment descended rapidly into one of the nastiest fights she could remember having.

For all that it hadn’t lasted very long, she was horrified at the malicious spite of their words to each other.

There was only one other occasion an argument had been quite as ugly. Samson’s torture was akin to child’s play compared to the level of damage that whole episode had inflicted. Lea didn’t think it would ever have been possible for that to happen again.

But here she was. The same torment was making it nearly impossible for her to breathe whilst her stomach was churning so fast she wanted to throw up. Curling up into a ball and wanting to die as the agony swept through her were, sadly, not options either.

‘Don’t walk away from me, Leaena.’ The savage growl close behind her merely bolstered her resolve to be as far away from Cullen as humanly possible.

Tossing her braid over her shoulder, Lea kept on going, not deigning to respond to such an arrogant order. She made good progress for all of about two yards until a strong grip encircled her upper arm, bringing her to an abrupt halt.

It didn’t matter that Cullen had used the lightest of touches to prevent her from escaping another fight. The fact that he’d even tried added fuel to the fires of her blazing temper.

‘I think we’ve said all that needs to be said, _Commander_. The next time you accuse me of being a whore it will be your very last!’ Lea didn’t realise she had it in her to sound so harsh towards him, but wonders seemed to never cease in this place of ancient horrors. ‘And who the fuck are you to be preventing me from leaving?’

‘We are not done, Inquisitor, however you might delude yourself otherwise.’ His voice was pitched so low only she could hear it, its stinging crack setting her teeth on edge. ‘We can do this here, under the eyes of all these people, or you can be sensible and walk with me somewhere else. I might even let you stamp your feet a little once we get there.’

Cullen’s sarcasm did not improve her disposition towards him one iota. Given the fact he was deliberately goading her, that was hardly surprising.

A red mist of rage obscured her vision as she stared at him, disbelieving he could have accused her, yet again of wanting to bed other men. That she knew he didn’t mean a single word of it was, at that particular point in time, irrelevant. He wanted to wound her as badly as she’d done to him – and he’d succeeded.

‘I have a war to win, as do you,’ she hissed under her breath, the truth that lay underneath his patronising words leaving her smarting. ‘I haven’t got the time to listen to you, pretending to give a shit about my opinion!’

‘Because your opinion is flawed in every single way possible,’ he growled back, both of them now forgetting they were under observation from a godly portion of the camp. ‘You are being thoughtless and selfish and you will lose us this war as a result!’

_He’s right. You are not handling this well, Lea._

His damning condemnation did nothing for Lea’s insecurities, even as she ruthlessly banished the nagging doubt she would fail. Her wilful pride would not let her back down, nor would her raging paranoia, convinced something fatal would strike him down if he joined them at the Temple.

‘I am so thrilled to have this vote of confidence from my Commander just as we’re fighting for our lives!’ Her dejection at the whole ridiculous scenario she found herself in was now targeted at Cullen, the only person she could direct her anger towards. ‘Maintain that level of optimism why don’t you? I’m sure morale will skyrocket!’

Lea hated that that they were at such odds with one another, just wanting to hold him and make this hideousness go away. She was so close to caving in, the need to have him next to her during a battle she was genuinely frightened of beginning to overwhelm her.

But Cullen was struggling, his cravings for lyrium having become significantly worse over the last couple of weeks. She had watched him time and time again stare at the potions she was drinking too many of, unable to disguise his tortured yearning, nor his crippling self-doubt that - without lyrium - he simply wasn’t enough. And every time, her heart fell to pieces.

Her fear that he would succumb, just to give himself a fighting chance against Samson, or that the red lyrium would infect him somehow, overrode her instinctive response to have him join the group. It might have been unreasonable of her but she was past the point of caring, her daily visions of a red lyrium beast having ravaged her mind to the point that she couldn’t think of anything else.

_He knows why!_

Lea knew she wasn’t healed fully – knew she was still finding it difficult to cope. All she had left was to choose between one disaster over another. This was the lesser of two evils. She was trying to save him, and she would sacrifice herself if that was necessary.

Cullen dropped her arm, as if hearing her thoughts, her silent plea reflected in her eyes as she saw the anger vanish from his face.

‘Please, Leaena. Take me with you.’ There was only desperation and terror remaining in his voice, the intensity of his pain making her soul bleed. ‘I know Samson, I have fought and defeated the power in that sword before. You need me – you know you do!’

The world had stopped around her as she stared brokenly into amber eyes dark with desolation and dread. The noise in her ears became deafening, bile rising in her throat at the thought of seeing the man she loved beyond reason mutated into a monstrosity she could't recognise – lost to her forever.

Her nightmares were explicit in what they foresaw, the unforgiving Templar returned to life, vial after vial of blue fluid never enough for the power he believed he needed. All that remained to him would be the corrupted red poison, his addiction the driving force behind the actions that would eventually end his life.

‘If I know you aren’t safe – I can’t do it. I can’t kill you if you turn. Don’t ask me to!’ she whispered shakily, all the fight gone from her as she confessed the sorry truth. ‘Maker save me from my folly, Cullen, but I can’t!’

The rain had drenched them both, the fur on Cullen’s cloak sodden and water dripping from his hair, all his fury wiped out in the bitter realisation that she would not waver from her decision. Droplets of rain trickled down his beloved face like a river of tears, the anguish burning within the last image imprinted on her mind as she dragged herself away.

Lea was unheeding of the stillness that surrounded her, everyone having stopped at the sight of the Commander and the Inquisitor engaged in such a vicious argument.

Each step forwards to her mount was excruciating, her heart torn in two at the decision she’d been pushed to make. The anger that had kept her upright had gone, leaving behind a sour taste in her mouth and an ache deep in her bones. She could feel his eyes boring into her back, his soul twisted in agony as she left him behind.

The others had already been waiting for her, ready to depart and throw themselves in the thick of the fight. They sat in silence on their mounts as she adjusted her staff, fully aware the last thing she wanted to do was talk.

‘Let’s go.’ She made a curt gesture to the path in front of her, not bothering with any pleasantries as she avoided their concerned glances.

Since walking away, Lea hadn’t looked back once, knowing if she did her resolve would falter and she’d do nothing but fling herself into his arms.

Except she couldn’t keep running to Cullen, relying on his strength to pull them both through.

_He has none left._

_This is a battle I have to win on my own._

Lea’s own paranoia had spun so beyond her control she was struggling to differentiate reality from the visions bombarding her mind. It wasn’t just at night, but during the day too, often stopping mid-sentence as another flashback hit her so hard she was left gasping for air, her surroundings vanished as fists pummelled her body and the Blight stole her mind. Somehow, those punches, kicks and abuses of her dignity had all come from Cullen.

She had seen the future, and she wasn’t prepared to risk for a second the chances of it becoming a reality.

_I would rather we both died._

Her eyes remained fixed on the mud and grime flung up by the horses cantering in front of her as her head begged her her to turn around and call him to her side. Her teeth were clenched and her jaw aching with the effort it took to stare straight ahead.

The painful wrench as the protective cobalt presence in her soul finally disappeared had Lea automatically reaching into her pocket to feel her coin – just as she always did when they were apart. This was the first time since he’d saved her at the Shrine of Dumat that they would be separated.

It made their already agonising parting even more intolerable, an icy numbness creeping through every fibre of her being the further her horse carried her away from Cullen. Fat droplets of water hit her in the face the faster she rode to meet her fate, the drips into her mouth tasting strangely salty on her tongue.

A jolt of despair nearly unseated her when she realised the one small piece of security she’d carried with her everywhere was no more. It only served to heighten the premonition Lea hadn’t been able to shake, that dreaded belief that this might well be the end of them both.

Cullen, for all he was trying to hide it, was only one step away to being chained by his demons once more. As she spurred her horse onwards into the gloom, Lea knew this was her last chance to save him from himself - in the only way she knew how. 


	95. The Point of No Return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Withdrawal, violence/gore

_She actually left. Without me._

It didn’t take long for Leaena’s party to vanish out of Cullen’s sight. He had no idea how long he stood there in the monsoon, staring sightlessly into the distance until even the comforting presence of sapphire blue reluctantly slipped away. He’d never felt so cold and empty, the rancour of their parting leaving him blind and deaf to anything else but an anxiety so powerful he felt his lungs being crushed by its force.

He didn’t know what to do or how to react, gripped by an intense dread that had left him immobile. He knew what Samson would do to her if he captured her again, convinced that Leaena would be casually tossed to one side after another heinous round of abuse, her body mutilated and left to rot.

‘Cullen!’

His wrist was cramped, he was gripping onto the hilt of his sword so tightly. The tremors were racking his body, the screaming in his head almost blocking out Trystan’s urgent call as his fingers angrily dashed away the excess water from his eyes.

‘Cullen – what in the Maker’s name just happened!’ Trystan had finally reached him, forcing Cullen to respond.

‘She has gone to the Temple with her companions. To face down Samson and Corypheus without me.’ His words sounded hollow as he frantically tried to make his brain work, reminding himself there was a whole army looking to their Commander for leadership.

_I barely feel capable of leading a horse, let alone thousands of troops into battle._

‘Without you?’ Trystan sounded as shocked as Cullen felt. ‘Why?’

He knew why. And she wasn’t entirely wrong in her assessment. 

‘I don’t – what is Michel doing with her?’

‘He’s gone to join the Orlesians fighting on our Western front. Lea wanted to talk to him about the eluvians on the way, maybe have a look at the ruins before the rest enter. So he’s joining them for a bit.’ Trystan was now staring at him in confusion. ‘What has that got to do with anything?’

‘What?’ This time Cullen stared at his friend. ‘He’s not going into the Temple? But Leaena said he’d enter with them!’

‘Her intention was for de Chevin to accompany them to the Temple, not enter the Temple itself. Lea wants a small group of people she can trust and she hardly knows him. She was going to discuss it all with you.’ Trystan’s gaze narrowed. ‘Cullen, seriously, what is the matter? All Lea did was word something badly. What’s your problem with it all?’

He was an idiot of the highest order, that was what the matter was. Firstly, he’d not let her talk. Then, he’d completely taken what she’d said - and what she had been feeling - and twisted those words and emotions to wound her as much as possible.

She’d been hiding the fact she wasn’t going to take him and his anxieties had escalated that into an imaginary affair with a virtual stranger in the middle of a warzone.  

One, stupid part of him was relieved, exulted.  The rest of him was horrified, disbelieving that he’d even let himself get to that point in the first place. He did not want to think too closely as to what had driven him to such an erroneous misunderstanding. The result of which had now galloped beyond his reach.

‘Nothing! I – look – we need to sort this out. This – this didn’t go how I intended.’

They had both turned to trudge back to the tent, Cullen feeling dampness seeping through his collar and into his toes as the downpour continued. ‘She’s trying to protect me. And she’s scared something will happen to me, that they will turn me somehow.’

‘Turn – how are you feeling?’ Trystan asked sharply, well aware of what the problem was.

‘Like shit. But that’s not the point. Leliana!’ He shouted over to where she was standing, indicating she should join them in the tent.

‘Well it is the point, if she’s gone without you.’ Trystan argued with his usual directness. ‘What are you going to do?’

‘Right now? Try and get dry.’

They’d reached the dubious relief of the tent once more, Cullen dragging off his soaking cloak and running his hands through his hair to get the worst of the moisture off as he looked once more at the map.

All he wanted to do was gran the nearest horse and ride after her and be dammed with the consequences. Nothing else was important.

_So why not?_

‘What’s going on, Cullen?’ Leliana had joined them, looking like she wanted to deliver a lecture. ‘You were supposed to persuade her to take you, not push her away!’

‘I know I was!’ he barked in irritation even as the guilt for what he’d said crushed down upon him. ‘She’s gone backwards, lost in a paranoid world. There’s little I can do about that aside from take her back to Skyhold. I would love to, but that’s not an option is it!’

‘What did you say to her?’ The edge in Trystan’s voice clearly told him he wasn’t fooled one bit.

Cullen closed his eyes briefly as he took a deep breath, the pounding right to the centre of his brain even worse than before. He’d already had one ridiculous fight with a Trevelyan and he had no intention of having another.

‘That’s between the two of us. Now is not the time to go into how badly I have fucked this up. Can we just focus on a resolution?’

Trystan was still giving him a hard, uncompromising stare mixed with worry, glancing down at the clenched fists that were only just hiding his tremors.

It was hard not to obsess over the blue philters that were at the bottom of his bags, taunting him with insecurity after self-doubt. The rampaging paranoia and irrational fear, caused by a combination of withdrawal and his own demons had just triggered a worst-case scenario that Cullen hadn’t believed was even possible. Yet he’d managed it, pushing Leaena away in the most spectacularly hurtful fashion and straight into the arms of an enemy he knew she wasn’t strong enough to face alone.

_Someone I might not be able to survive against either._

_If I was taking it, none of this would have happened!_

‘You are right. We need a backup plan which we don’t have. But rest assured, we will talk later,’ Trystan was more conciliatory, guessing at what lay beneath Cullen’s tortured expression. 

‘We will fix this.’ Leliana agreed. ‘I just hoped – I’m worried about this.’

‘We all are. That’s why I’m going after her. I did tell her I would, after all.’

Saying it out loud made a world of difference, Cullen finally feeling like he was able to do something decisive to turn the tide in their favour – and make sure Leaena stayed alive. Killing Samson had become an added bonus.

How he was going to kill him was the deciding factor. A decision that made him feel as if he was being ripped down the middle.

‘Took you long enough to reach that sensible conclusion,’ Trystan replied briskly, pointing to a spot just to the west of where Leaena’s group would travel. ‘The river. It’s far riskier and the reason she’s gone with more soldiers, but we haven’t really got a choice if we are to catch up to her in time.’

Cullen’s whole plan had revolved around joining Leaena in the Temple. He hadn’t even considered what he’d do if she said no, convinced she would listen to reason. His desperate attempt to reach her had involved him and no one else – a strategy that was woefully inadequate. The battle raging inside of him right now, however, was one he wanted no witnesses to.

_I don’t want to talk about it._

_Because he might persuade me otherwise._

‘Wait a minute. We?’ Cullen looked at him in consternation, unable to avoid the inevitable.

‘Don’t be absurd. You can’t do all that alone. Trystan at least needs to join you.’ Leliana admonished him. ‘And you need to leave now. I will stay here and handle everything else with Gaspard and Rylen.’

‘Not that I was asking your permission to come along, but Leliana’s right.’ Trystan gave him a sardonic smile. ‘You know the numbers they have, and where they are most concentrated. This way in is more dangerous on our part, not less – but they won’t be expecting it, the bulk of attention being drawn to the Orlesians and Fiona’s mages.’

Cullen stared at the map, knowing how outnumbered they would be if they couldn’t move undetected along the river – or at least meet minimal resistance. The sense of being lesser in every way was dominating his mind, his brain screaming at him the danger he was walking into. Not to mention her.

There was no opportunity to think or discuss. She would already be nearly there, about to do battle to make it to the Temple’s entrance. Every minute he wasted dithering was a minute lost. They were out of time.

‘Very well. Let’s leave immediately. But only you and Dorian – this relies on stealth, not force.’

What other options did he have? To stay and watch everyone else die trying to save Leaena, or to go himself and try to even the balance. Being away from her was intolerable at the best of times and right now was a long way from that.

He knew the location they had to travel towards. There was nothing else further to be done. He was impatient to be going, desperate to reach her before it was too late for her. And before he did something he’d regret. Today he’d had enough of that for a lifetime and was battling to not add even more to his conscience.

‘I have to speak to Rylen first – then I just need to gather a few things. I’ll meet you at the horses. Ten minutes?’

‘Are you sure – ‘. He cut off Leliana’s anxious query just with a shake of his head.

‘We have to leave. Now. There’s no time for this!’ Cullen was no longer able to hide the desperate urgency in his voice, the hint of panic that things were slipping beyond his control faster than he could keep up with.

‘Fine. And Cullen?’ Trystan’s hand on his shoulder stopped Cullen in his tracks, just as he’d been about to escape out of the tent. ‘Whatever happened between you, and whatever faces us now – don’t. You will hate yourself otherwise.’

He looked across to Leliana’s concerned face and Trystan’s impassive one. Clearly he was becoming even worse at disguising his symptoms than he’d realised. Nodding, not trusting himself to say anything more, he finally managed to get away from two pairs of eyes that were far too observant for his comfort.

If he’d thought the stickiness from the humidity had been bad before, it was far worse now, the sweat pouring down his arms and sides making him want to claw madly under his armour and get the clinging cloth away from his body. No amount of walking or fresh air was preventing his skin from crawling, Cullen almost frantic with the need to repeatedly scrub himself clean until it stopped.

He felt demented by the need to race after her and leave his responsibilities behind. Trying to distract himself from the compulsion to run off by thinking through the orders he needed to give was not working. Leaena’s devastation and fear before she turned away was all he could think of, brilliant blue eyes sparkling with unshed tears and a pain so raw it seared his whole being in two.

_Me. All my doing. Because of my selfishness and fucking awful timing._

_Why did I stop now? I should be taking it!_

‘Commander!’

For the second time in an hour Cullen had to mentally shake himself to bring himself into the present. His feet had carried him right up to Rylen’s operations centre, the table weighed down with reports, scrolls and various maps detailing the Inquisition’s supply and weapons caches. Rylen himself wore his characteristic stern expression, scowling at a terrified messenger who had the misfortune to appear with yet another missive the former Knight-Captain clearly could do without.

Distractedly, Cullen reminded himself it was all a front. Underneath the dour demeanour, the ferocious warrior was made of marshmallow.

‘Rylen,’ he greeted his other commanding officer wearily.

He reached for a water skin in the vain hope the mouthfuls he was now gulping would quench a thirst that was relentlessly burning his throat.

‘You aren’t supposed to be here. But seeing as you are, what do you want to do about this?’ Rylen replied unceremoniously, passing him a request from one of Michel’s captains that made him wince inside.

He’d treated Michel appallingly, and Leaena even worse. Yet the knowledge didn’t stop his jealousy from firing his paranoia to frenzied heights. The mere thought of her being protected by another was enough to make him nauseous and dizzy with rage.

Somehow, he focussed on the words swimming on the page, seeing it was a longstanding problem they could do nothing about.

‘Same officer causing trouble?’ he tossed the report back down contemptuously as he scribbled down a quick response. ‘You may as well burn it. I’m not pandering to Orlesian nobles who don’t know one end of a sword from another.’

‘ _No. The Inquisition doesn’t do someone else’s dirty work_.’ A rare grin appeared on Rylen’s face as he read the response out loud. ‘Well that should get the message over loud and clear. Good answer, Cullen.’

‘Pleased to hear you approve.’ His neck felt like it was made of knots as he tried to rub out the stiffness. ‘I have to leave in a few minutes. Is there anything else?’

‘Not really. I wanted to write the same response myself to that Antone dickhead but they may take it a bit more seriously if it’s from you. Aside from that, Gaspard is sorting out that situation with the munitions…..’ he thought for a moment, checking through his notes.

‘Nope – nothing else. Now will you bugger off and catch up to the Inquisitor? Fighting is the only thing that’s going to cure you.’

Rylen’s blunt words made Cullen’s lips twist into a grim smile.

‘Thank you for reminding me that I’m pretty much redundant when you’re around. But you’re right. Taking the head off a certain Red Templar will make me fell immeasurably better.’

‘So what are you bloody well waiting for? Talking isn’t going to achieve anything is it?’ Rylen spoke gruffly, the depth of his disquiet over the whole situation with Leaena barely concealed. ‘Just bring her back in one piece. Don’t try anything fancy in that place, mind.’

‘You know I’ll get her,’ Cullen promised, more to himself than Rylen as they shook hands. ‘There is no other option.’

There wasn’t. He would die with her if that was the only thing left for him to do.

Turning away, he lifted his face into the steady rainfall, the feel of cool water dripping down his face giving a slight respite from the fever he felt in his blood. He was trying to concentrate on the path in front of him as he made his way towards his tent, his breathing shaky as he contemplated what lay before him.

Leaena’s life had hung in the balance in the Shrine of Dumat, the message from Samson clear as day. He could easily take her and break her again if he wanted to, taunting Cullen with his decision and making him question himself right when he needed to be strong.

Samson deliberately provoking him wasn’t something he’d told her about, not wanting to add to her burdens further. Cullen also hadn’t believed it to be true, either.

He had fought Red Templars, cut them down like they were mere annoyances at the Shrine of Dumat, as had she. Furthermore, Leaena was the most powerful mage in Thedas and, last time he’d checked, everything still seemed to be functioning with his own abilities. That wasn’t the issue.

The problem was lyrium, taking its Maker-sweet time to leave his body. The withdrawal was crippling him, right when he most needed to cope but rendering him ineffectual instead.

Aching joints begged him to find somewhere quiet, to bury the demons that were taking over his every waking movement. His heart was shattered, bereft without Leaena’s loving protection to shelter him from the darkness rapidly devouring his spirit. 

The tent he had spent hardly any time in materialised, Cullen gratefully shutting himself off from the outside. He was unable to do anything but sink to his knees and put his head in his hands, able to finally give in to tremors so violent standing had become impossible.

The weakness was in his own mind, his lack of confidence crippling him as nightmare after nightmare ravaged him at night, leaving him exposed like never before to the vicious whispers and cruel taunts of his own conscience. Added to the memories that still flooded his brain – of Leaena at Samson’s mercy – Cullen found it almost impossible to feel anything less than terrified for her, unable to deal with the thought of her reliving that hideous experience in any way, shape or form.

All he could hear were the demanding whispers enticing him ever closer to the point of no return. Sweet music sang to him, encouraging him to be stronger, better – restoring him to everything he was meant to be. They were loud in his ears, the world disappearing as they circled endlessly round, a swirling blue vortex in his mind.

Each honeyed word and poisoned promise of deliverance was torture to a once iron will, decimated by anguish and suffering so acute there was no room to feel anything else. Being so completely in love had left his soul exposed, vulnerable in a way he had never experienced before. And he had no idea how to cope with the fallout.

Sweat was pouring from him now as he gulped for air, trying his hardest not to vomit all over his boots as his forehead pressed against the floor, his gauntlets digging into his forehead as he fought against the waves of agony that swept through his body time and time again.

_What have I become? This husk of a man, a shadow of myself?_

He couldn’t remember a time when he’d felt so useless, battling against a seemingly inexorable tide of chaos. Everything was slipping through his fingers, his control gone and rational thought driven from his mind by fear. Leaena had left him and he was left bereft and bewildered without her presence.

The reasons why didn’t matter. They had been driven apart once more, in such a brutal manner it had finally broken him.

 _End it. Now_.

With just one drink – it would be over. The eternal torment would end. He would be whole once more, able to serve her and the Inquisition as it needed.

Weakened arms forced him upright as Cullen visualised the cold blue lines snaking through the air, chaining themselves right in the very essence that made him who he was. It was exactly where a million threads of sapphire normally sparkled and danced warming him with their vitality and joy. The chill of these shackles seeped into his bones, heavy with remembered sacrifice, roping him back to a life he’d foolishly dreamed was over.

Without even needing to look around, he reached for the bag he knew the vials were in, one shaking hand grasping the glass.

The chanting of the silver-tongued devils was deafening, the saccharine smell assailing his nostrils as he slowly unscrewed the lid. Glowing, shining blue stared back at him as his eyes fixed on the slow-moving liquid, repulsion and yearning making his headache so intense he could barely see. His throat was burning, parched – the one thing that would sooth it inches from his lips. Closing his eyes again, he took a shuddering breath, the philter close to shattering in his clenched fist.

Unbidden, Leaena’s whisper rose above the demons, begging him to stay true to himself, to not hurtle into the abyss and abandon everything he held dear. Her beautiful face, imprinted forever on his memory, her low, melodious voice murmuring words of support and reassurance – they were trying their best to bring him back to the reality he’d blocked out.

Even now, from so far away, Leaena was doing her best to pull him away from the yawning black void his mind teetered at the precipice of.

Hesitating, Cullen remembered what he’d told her only a short while ago. Repeatedly. Remembered her own terror that she would lose the man she loved to distraction, ruined by a substance so toxic and addictive there would be no turning back if he succumbed. The pressure of the two opposing forces so strong was tearing him apart, his mouth open in a silent scream of desolation and misery as every single one of his failings was paraded before him.

His eyes flew open, shaking so hard fluid had spilled over the top of the bottle, the deep blue against the silver metal of his plate mesmerising him to the exclusion of all else.

_There is no more time._

_Choose._

There was shouting outside, Trystan and Dorian’s voices just penetrating the warped bubble of self-hate and craving that had become Cullen’s universe. The luxury of procrastination had now been taken from him and he had to depart, to save her from a monster that had become distorted beyond reason in his irrational mind.

It had been all too easy to push aside the frantic plea in Leaena’s eyes, to break the vow he’d made to her.

The only sensation Cullen now registered was the press of cool glass against his lips as he went to drink, the only feeling despair and shame as he finally abandoned himself to a craving too powerful to deny.

\--------

_Why did I do this? Why did I not protect him more?_

‘Da’len.’ A soft call right next to her bought Lea back to the present, blinking with surprise as she saw all the dead bodies in front of her. ‘You need not cast any more. They are defeated.’

‘Sorry.’ She’d been sending strikes of electricity into a corpse, thinking it was still alive every time it twitched from the force of her spell.

Lea rubbed her face, unable to escape the acrid smell of death and decay as she tried to push her confusion away. Blinking, she looked around her, trying to recall her surroundings and why she was here. A beautiful green oasis, complete with dappled sunlight filtering through gently blowing trees did nothing to ease the irrational sense of dread that had gripped her the moment they’d set foot in the Temple.

_Temple?_

_Samson. Cullen. Cullen….._

Dead bodies scattered the ground, reminding her of the destruction that had been wrought as they fought their way through the Red Templars and Venatori to reach the Well of Sorrows. The smell wafting from the corpses was making her feel sick, unable to escape the stench of red corruption that clung to her armour and hair no matter where she went.

‘Well we’re managing without Morrigan. Just,’ Varric grumbled next to her, indolently kicking a dismembered arm across the dais. ‘So it’s just us merry bunch to tackle Samson on his own?’

‘She had better be waiting at this Well for us,’ Cassandra added ominously, in no mood to be forgiving. ‘It is quite clear where her priorities lie. And we need all the help we can get against Samson and that sword.’

Lea closed her eyes as she leant back, hands on hips, trying to stretch away the skittering sensation from her skin. A thousand tiny bugs seemed to be dancing over each and every inch of her, not helping with the repulsion she was now feeling whenever someone tried to come close.

_Samson…._

‘Drink this.’ Solas handed her another potion as he came to stand next to her. ‘Are you alright?’

‘Me?’ Solas’ words came from afar, Lea solely focussed on one thing only as she belatedly remembered what their other purpose was.

‘I’m fine.’ She dismissed their concern with an irritated flick of her wrist as she thought on the question. ‘Morrigan can have whatever is in the fucking Well. And then she can help us kill Corypheus as penance for her buggering off, and then she can depart Skyhold permanently and pray she never sees me again.’

_Once Alistair sees his son, of course. Another debt she needs to pay._

‘You’re sure about it?’ Solas stopped abruptly as Lea raised her hand, smiling slightly.

‘Falon, if you won’t drink from it, why would I? Yes, she’s gathering power, but she’ll be the one to pay the price. Let her take the risk. If she is foolishly arrogant enough to believe Mythal never existed, so be it.’

The argument in the main hall between them and Abelas had not been pretty. Lea was adamant, however, to find a peaceful solution. There was enough killing that had taken place and that the ancient Elves still survived was nothing short of a miracle – and something she wanted to respect. Morrigan had, unsurprisingly, not been too keen on her point of view.

She looked around her once more, the elven sentinels reminding her of their leader. ‘There must be a way to reason with Abelas. If he gets there before us, at least Morrigan can make herself useful and prevent him from despoiling whatever it is.’

‘Agreed. The less we have to do with this Mythal the better. But it doesn’t address the question of how we will take down Samson.’ Cassandra was deeply uncomfortable about the whole ancient Elven deity issue, itching to get back into the thick of the fight.

‘And there’s no sight of Vivienne. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.’ Varric’s rumble of discontent over that huge thorn in her side made Lea shiver.

_She is not here right now. Focus. Deal with her later._

With an effort that made her head protest, Lea looked across at where she could see Samson slowly making his way up a hill and into a small grove where the Well of Sorrows had to be. There was, mercifully, no sign of Corypheus, but Lea knew it was only a matter of time before he reappeared.

She knew because their minds had merged just as before, for the briefest of moments as they made a frenzied scramble across the bridge to get away from him and his enormous dragon.

The vision of burning red eyes, manic with power and insanity, would forever be branded into her conscience. There was a flash of connection inside her mind, of a voice calling her, urging her to greatness by his side. This time the demand was furious, the dire threat she’d sensed coming to life in her head once more.

_That’s why. Cullen. I have to save him._

Corypheus wanted her, and everything she held dear, to suffer and he would go to any lengths to ensure that her life was one filled with pain and searing regret. He’d tried to take over her brain again, the agony from the shackles he’d tried to bind her with still resonating within her. She’d somehow managed, with every fibre of her being, to cast them off and deny him access to her soul, boldly defiant in her repudiation of everything Corypheus stood for and believed him, her sneering rejection of his false godhood wounding his ego just as she knew it would.

But the damage had been wrought.

_Cullen, my love…..what have I done to you?_

Lea’s own paranoia had spun so beyond her control she was struggling to differentiate reality from the visions bombarding her mind. She was stopping mid-sentence as another flashback hit her so hard she was left gasping for air, her surroundings vanished as fists pummelled her body and the Blight stole her mind. Somehow, those punches, kicks and abuses of her dignity had all come from Cullen.

The same man who she’d tormented with the lie of leaving him behind for another man. Then, instead of explaining her reasoning, she’d let Cullen believe Michel was coming into the Temple for no other reason than childish spite.

She had never felt so ashamed of herself. Cullen was battling his inner demons, those hideous memories and the agony of withdrawal wholly responsible for his behaviour. She had no such excuse aside from her own petulance and lack of foresight.

The worry that he was going to do something he’d regret forever was eating away at her conscience.

_And all I did was make his life a hundred times harder than it needed to be._

But when it came to her Commander and the final days of this seemingly endless battle, reason had fled a long time ago.

‘You all focus on the Red Templars. Samson is mine. And look on the bright side, there’s no bloody annoying puzzles barring our path any more.’

Mercifully, the slow burn of anger rose to sustain her once more, all her anxiety and panic pushed away as the need for vengeance blazed through her.

Lea’s eyes were fixed on a man on the ground beneath the dais with glowing red armour and a blazing sword to match. In front of her was the reason her life had become so thoroughly miserable. Samson had caused her and Cullen such heartache, subjecting them both to a level of trauma so great she wasn’t sure they would ever fully recover.

There was the reason why they’d separated so acrimoniously, with no chance for apologies and forgiveness. Every single ill in her life she could now lay at his door. And she would have satisfaction. Her demons demanded nothing less.

This time, she would not fail. 

‘The area is clear.’ Solas’ eyes gleamed with anticipation. ‘We can make our way straight there.’

‘We are only just behind them, Lea,’ Cassandra confirmed, her forbidding look boding ill for her next opponent. ‘Samson made his way in only a few minutes ago. We have him. And soon, the answers we need to defeat Corypheus.’

‘Trapped in one spot, with all that knowledge up for grabs? Let’s give this vessel no chance for escape.’

The end was in sight yet Lea felt as if her world was slowing around her, her movements sluggish and her heart heavy with foreboding. The last time she’d felt this despondent had been on the way to the Western Approach.

Roundly cursing lyrium in all its different forms, she tried to fight down the queasiness she felt at the upcoming confrontation. Her security was gone, not even a Ferelden silver to comfort her in its place. And she only had herself to blame.

There was no time for further words or idle conversation as Lea leapt up the stairs, seeing Samson striding purposefully towards a pool of water as she managed to reach the top of the small hill. Without thinking, she fadestepped to close the distance between them, levelling a blast of ice right in his direction to stop him from reaching the Well.

The Red Templars were taken by surprise at the interloper in their midst, not the least Samson. He hadn’t been expecting company, his defences down as he was frozen immobile for a split second.

‘Samson!’ Lea shouted, adrenaline and rage sending her magic shimmering in the air around her. ‘I’m so delighted to find you here. We never finished our last conversation. How very impolite of you to run away.’

‘You weren’t really up for a friendly chat once I was done with you. Shame.’ Samson’s teeth were yellow in the leer he gave her as he spun around, his armour glowing bright red, Meredith’s sword flaming in his hand. ‘I rather enjoyed having you as my guest. So much so I might just indulge myself again once your pathetic friends do the decent thing and die.’

‘Sadly I’ll have to decline your charming offer.’ The power from her magic was at a peak she’d never experienced before, leaving her light-headed from its intensity. ‘Strangely enough I don’t recall it being quite the delight you remember it to be. Yet I find myself keen to return your hospitality. Beginning right now!’

Samson narrowly deflected a fireball, absorbing her magic into the sword with ease. Lea refused to be cowed by the blatant display of his might as she advanced on him steadily, her eyes burning with hatred.

_I have not forgotten. For me. For Cullen. The burden he carries for us both._

‘Lady Leaena Trevelyan. Inquisitor. Herald of Andraste.’ Samson snarled, spitting out each of her titles with disdain as a barrier of red shimmered around him. ‘The titles of a privileged, entitled princess, and all of it meaningless. Just like your Mark will be when I drink from the Well.’

The sound of fighting didn’t penetrate her conscious, Lea only vaguely aware of the screams and cries behind her. They were enough to let her know, however, that she’d completely miscalculated the whole situation.

Not that she intended on giving Sampson the pleasure of knowing her fear.

‘You think I’m even going to let you get that close? Look around you, _General._ Your men are dying. All the lies you sold them for nothing. They fall, just like you will once I’m finished!’

‘Where’s your pet Templar, Lea? You’re nothing without one of them hovering around you, keeping you out of trouble.’ A blazing red sword crashed down onto her barriers as she flipped backwards out of Samson’s range, the mere touch of its corruption making her want to vomit.

_The red….oh Maker…_

She could smell the stench of its decay, the memories of a solid, impenetrable wall of red never far from taking over her mind once more. The merest hint of red lyrium was making her want to vomit and claw at her skin, the corrupted song still drawing her into its poison web even now

Even as she wore his own defences down with a series of icy blasts, finished with the crack of her staff across his arm, the stench of red lyrium was beginning to overwhelm her, snaking into her brain and latching on with an iron grip. Trying her hardest not to panic, she focussed on trying to keep her distance instead. It was the only defence she had.

‘I was looking forward to proving his stupidity to him. He is nothing without lyrium, after all.’ This time Samson’s sour breath came too close to her for comfort as he beat her shields down again. ‘All before I take you again, dearest girl. Right in front of his eyes. I know your weakness, Inquisitor. And you will not win this fight.’

She refused to give him such satisfaction, dancing away again from a blade that, with one cut, would render her useless as she continued to fire spells that were only making the merest dent in his enchanted armour.

Just then, a burning sensation shot through her leg. The wailing voices she thought she’d banished forever called once more, the scorching touch of red lyrium cutting through her skin and making direct contact with her blood, throwing her hard to the ground. The horror was there, the misery and relentless torment she’d suffered in her red prison sending her frantic with fear as she tried her best to push the mindless, warped chanting away.

_For love….I would sacrifice it all. Every time._

_Just for the chance to be with him._

That she’d made the worst miscalculation ever, blinded by love and despair, became glaringly apparent as crimson flames exploded before her face, Lea only narrowly dodging out of the way in time. Sticky warm wetness was soaking the leather on her calf as she staggered backwards, the agony of the skin pulling sending shooting pain right up her body and searing through her brain.

_I can’t do this! How could I be so idiotic!_

_Cullen….I failed you…_

‘I did warn you.’ Samson laughed manically as he bore down on her, Lea’s staff weakly deflecting the lethal blade. ‘Now it’s time to pay your dues. In so many delightful ways.’

‘In your dreams,’ Lea hissed furiously as she ducked her head and prepared for her own attack. ‘I know what blisters your veins, giving you a delusion so overpowering you’ve tricked yourself into thinking it’s real. You were ever arrogant and foolish in your quest for revenge against the Chantry. And that will be your undoing!’

_Fuck you. I can do this!_

Her mind switched direction yet again as Lea saw her attacks were finally making an impact. The agonising blow to her leg had given her purpose, while her paranoia had taken control once more. Her remembered terror of succumbing to red lyrium was enough to fuel her belief she truly could achieve this on her own.

Her lips set in a grim smile, Lea immersed herself in the reassuring power of her magic, meeting each strike with one of her own as she tried to ignore the terror deep inside her. All she held dear was hanging in the balance as, for the very first time, she engaged herself in a bitter fight for her life.

\------

Mutilated bodies were everywhere they looked, a grotesque carpet of blood, gore and some thick black substance Cullen didn’t even want to think about covering the tiles. They hadn’t even had to raise a blade on their way inside the Temple but his boots were coated red and brown already. He was hardly squeamish, but the level of violence they were uncovering was something beyond his experience.

It had been a mad dash across what had felt like half the Arbor Wilds, Cullen setting a frenetic pace which none of the others had complained about. Trystan in particular was desperate to reach his sister, both of them more than aware of the chaos that had gripped her mind and soul, placing them all in grave danger.

_Through no fault of her own._

_If I hadn’t been so weak I could have prevented it from all happening!_

The destruction around him was a stark reminder of what was truly important as he forced the fear down, secretly dreading to see a piece of her armour somewhere amongst the mutilated bodies and limbs carelessly scattered over the floor.

He’d forgotten for a time, so caught up in himself and his own living nightmare he’d lost sight of his true purpose. The only thing that mattered to him was Leaena, keeping her safe from the monsters that threatened to take her away from him, both in her mind and in the world surrounding them.

Once upon a time, he’d told her in Kirkwall that he would do whatever it took – the idea of losing her something his mind refused to accept as a possibility. He’d been faced with that decision again today, having to choose between the life he dreamed of and the life that he’d so emphatically rejected.

Yet the latter option had potentially offered him the only chance in a fight that Samson would push to the death.

As they ran into the Temple and towards a courtyard, Cullen still wasn’t sure if he’d made the right decision or not.

One thing was certain though. Rylen had been correct. Doing something positive had been a damned sight better for him than sitting around the camp with only his own uncertainty for company.

‘Well, you don’t get bigger holes in the ground than that.’ Dorian was standing past a massive pile of rubble, clearly made from some kind of recent explosion.

That didn’t make Cullen feel any better. In fact, it made him feel worse, to see the sheer volume of power on display. He couldn’t sense her yet, but Leaena was in grave danger and every bone in his body was screaming at him to keep moving.

He’d spent the whole time castigating himself, the guilt whipping him on as much as his fear. He’d been too absorbed in himself to fully realise just how much she was suffering. And this was the aftermath of his negligence.

His responsibility and his failure.

The cracking headache hadn’t abated as he went to stand next to Dorian and Trystan, the three of them staring down into a yawning pit.

‘Well, Samson must have wanted to be somewhere in a hurry. As are we. I say we just jump.’ Trystan looked around critically at the carnage. ‘I don’t think we’ll have any resistance. Samson and Lea have swept their way through the Elves who guarded this place.’

‘Most definitely,’ Dorian agreed, his hands moving as he laid down a spell far below them. ‘Whatever might have been at play here has moved on. The attention will not be focussed on us.’

‘I don’t give a shit about distressing a bunch of old Elven gods. I want to reach her as fast as possible and, I suspect, Samson has provided us with the perfect means of doing so.’ Cullen glanced at Dorian, having recognised the patterns of magic he’d just cast. ‘We just leap in?’

‘Why not? I haven’t done something this terrifyingly thrilling since I was a boy. After you, Commander.’

Cullen didn’t need to be told twice as he stepped over the edge and plummeted down to the ground below. It wasn’t as far of a drop as he’d been expecting, Dorian’s magical weave cushioning his landing. Scrambling back to his feet as the other two also landed with slight grunts, he immediately saw the path they had to follow out of the Temple.

‘Easy to guess which way we’re going isn’t it,’ Dorian muttered, drawing his scarf up round his nose as they began to run again. ‘The smell of rotting corpses is every bit as appealing as the unappetising odour of red lyrium.’

‘We can’t be far. But I can’t identify her magic at all – something is interfering with my abilities.’ Trystan sounded as frantic as Cullen felt, both of them unable to sense her at all.

‘There’s probably something suppressing it. My magic works but it feels odd – altered.’ Dorian added with irritation. ‘These places – the wards in place are so ancient we just don’t know what we may come up against.’

‘I won’t – do you hear that!’ Cullen stopped, the sounds of a piercing scream ripping the air apart.

At exactly the same time he felt her magic which had somehow found him amidst the chaos. For a split second he wanted to weep, knowing she was alive and well, especially after the vicious way they’d parted.

Then he ran, faster than he’d ever run in his entire life. For the beautiful blue sapphires sluggishly winding their way inside his soul, seeking solace and respite from the onslaught Leaena was under, were tinged with red. 

There was no room for conversation or idle chatter, Cullen disinterested in anything but reaching his Inquisitor. He took the steps three at a time, his sword gripped tightly in his hand as mindless desperation drove him forward. A shudder of shock went through him when Leaena realised how close he was, her relief and joy and terror almost blindsiding him as he dodged and weaved his way through the skirmishes around him.

The scene at the top of the slope left him aghast, Leaena and the others fighting for their lives. The resistance from Samson and his Red Templars had been overwhelming, having nearly defeated the harried, exhausted group.

Everything else disappeared, however, as his eyes locked onto a flaming sword he remembered all too well, repeatedly smashing into Leaena’s Spirit Blade which abruptly vanished under a brutal counter thrust. She was holding her own, but barely, each strike exhausting her as she fought valiantly to destroy Samson’s enchanted armour.

Blood was roaring in his ears and the lyrium shouting for release in the fierce joy of battle, vengeance his only focus as he strode towards the two of them. Samson was in his sights now and there was no room for any other thought aside from dealing him the killing blow.

The world had gone dark, blackness rising through his heart and taking over his soul. Any insecurity and self-doubt he’d had dissipated, pushed aside by the power and fury pumping through his veins at the sight of Leaena, bravely refusing to give in.

It didn’t matter how misguided she’d been. The sole intention of all her actions had been to keep him alive and sane.

_You already have, my lady, in more ways than you can possibly know._

_It is my turn now._

He didn’t even think twice as he shot past her, charging straight into Samson and sending him flying through the air, landing with a loud groan several feet away.

He couldn’t resist checking up on her, feeling sick to the stomach at the sight of just how wounded and ill she was. Leaena’s lovely eyes were faded and exhausted from, not only fighting Samson, but from the onslaught of red lyrium encroaching through her magic. A huge gaping slash up one side of her calf and thigh was oozing congealed blood, whilst there were further numerous cuts all over her arms, legs and stomach, dark red stains spreading across the leather.

It was easy to see how she had been weakened so fast – Meredith’s sword was spreading its lethal contamination each time it made contact with her blood.

His dark rage intensified when he caught sight of what had to have been a deliberate slash along her jaw, right across the fine line of the scar from Samson’s gauntlets. It had been done to remind Leaena just what had happened to her in the Shrine of Dumat, and what Samson had in store for her once he’d captured her. More blood was spattered over her face, with dark bruises beginning to appear on her cheekbone and neck.

Samson had not intended to kill Leaena, of that Cullen suddenly became certain. He wanted to capture her and torture her once more, the perverse thrill of having the Inquisitor at his mercy seemingly never sated. 

_She has gone through this all for me, risked her life for me over and over again._

_Simply to save me from myself._

Even with the paranoia driving her nearly to her own death, her instincts hadn’t been wrong. Cullen had nearly ripped himself into shreds because of his own internal conflict, still at war with himself over the one thing that he’d sworn never to touch again.

She was looking straight at him in stupefied disbelief, not quite able to comprehend the fact that he was standing right there. Their angry, hurtful words were forgotten in that split second of sheer joy at being with one another once more.

If it hadn’t been for the shouts and screams of agony vaguely reminding him there was a battle going on, he would have picked her up and kissed her senseless.

‘Cullen? How!’ Leaena was hoarse and barely able to speak as Samson struggled to rise, winded from the force of Cullen’s blow. ‘I’m sorry – I fucked up, so badly – but you knew – you came –‘.

‘I am sorry too. You’ve done nothing wrong. Please – don’t worry. We will find a way out of this.’

Everything was suspended around them as they stood frozen, staring at each other in horror and shock. Both of them registered the levels of devastation and trauma the other had been through in such a short space of time. Regret swarmed over him once more, the taste bitter and stale in his mouth as he realised just how badly he’d let her down.

_Will she ever forgive me?_

She sensed his inner turmoil immediately, the raw fear for him and his own sanity pushing even the immediate threat of the fight to one side.

‘No, you can’t have!‘ she gasped, her eyes widening in anguish. ‘You promised – ‘.

Leaena didn’t get a chance to finish as Samson finally rose to his feet, making Cullen spin round and focus on the immediate threat before him. That conversation, they could have later.

‘Knight-Commander Cullen. What a touching reunion this is.’ Samson sneered at him, the greatsword of Cullen’s nightmares flaring into life once more. ‘At least I might have some semi-decent sport now you’ve arrived. Without red lyrium your doxy is all too easy for me to vanquish.’

‘I haven’t seen you for some time, Samson, but the view certainly hasn’t improved.’ Cullen growled, the insult to Leaena merely adding to the list of things he’d make Samson pay for.

For all the might of his fortified armour, and in a testament to how skilled she was in combat, Leaena had inflicted grievous injuries to Samson. His once roommate was now unrecognisable from the honourable man he’d once been, his body lost to red lyrium and his mind to the madness of addiction.

The severity of his injuries was making it hard for him to heal himself. His face was ruined as a result of her ferocious attacks. One side had burned completely away, the other only just preserving peeling, angry red scraps of flesh. He was limping a bit too, Leaena having shattered one of his ankles while more burns and gaping holes in the plate armour showed skin ravaged by magical damage.

The red lyrium was masking the pain but little else. She’d made Samson vulnerable and the Red Templar knew it. There was alarm in his eyes as he saw Cullen’s merciless smile, faced now by a warrior with more energy and more strength, the power surging through him the equal to his opponent.

Right in his reach was the man who had caused untold damaged to Leaena. He’d hurt her body and her mind beyond anything Cullen could imagine in his worst nightmares, as well as inflicting misery and suffering on unsuspecting Templars for no other reason than to salve his own wounded pride.

This fight was nearly over. And Cullen fully intended to be the one finishing it. Samson would face his justice this time, and there would be no escaping his unyielding demand for retribution.

He contemptuously deflected a series of aggressive sword strokes, a humourless smile appearing as he watched the other man’s eyes narrow in surprise. ‘I’m not here for anyone’s entertainment but my own. Which you are about to discover.’

‘Really? You think you can best me? I have the fire of red lyrium in my veins whilst you are a weakened husk of the Templar you once were. And here you are, pretending to still be the same man, without even lyrium to give you a modicum of strength. How amusing this will be.’ Samson ridicule was targeted to play on Cullen’s insecurities, to make him falter.

He was deluded if he thought a few paltry taunts would weaken Cullen’s resolve. He didn’t reply immediately, unleashing a ferocious counter attack against Samson, driving the man back towards a body of water. His blade was singing through the air as it connected each time with the red sword, Samson only narrowly dodging its point as he stumbled further backwards.

‘What makes you think I haven't started taking it again? After all, there’s no need for me to go crawling to a lunatic to get my fix because I’m too weak to do without it.’

He stepped back, ducking to avoid the blaze of Meredith’s sword. Samson howled in fury, the force of his strike against Cullen’s shield causing it to shatter as his arm buckled. Shards of metal were flying through the air but he didn’t even blink as one struck his cheekbone, his gauntlet smeared with blood as he absently wiped the hot dribbles off his skin.

Samson shot a glance behind him as Cullen recovered, making him wonder what was so important to make the other man break his momentum. He followed his gaze, seeing a huge mirror just behind the pond, not dissimilar to what Leaena had described.

‘You’re full of shit. Good Chantry boy like you would never break your vows!’ Yet even as they continued to fight one another, their patterns of attack so similar, he could see Samson’s uncertainty creeping in.

Cullen had never felt so prepared for a fight, the battle lust singing in his ears as his adrenaline continued to rise. The sparks of his blade against Samson’s were flying as he hammered home each strike, each thrust and parry fuelling his adrenaline and firming his resolve.

His own injuries were as nothing as he gripped his blade with two hands, the extra strength from both his arms dealing untold carnage to the red lyrium monster before him. Meredith’s sword was not the horror he’d remembered, Samson now just a man, who was starting to bleed like any other.

The worries he’d had, of not being enough, faded away amongst his burning need to deliver vengeance, his vision and ears blind to anything else but the titanic battle that was raging between them both.

‘You know fuck all about me and just how far I’d go to defend what’s mine.’ He smirked as Samson’s eyes widened, a hint of fear glimmering behind his eyes for the first time. ‘But you’re about to find out.’

He staggered back as the hilt of Samson’s sword walloped him firmly in his shoulder, making him wince. But he recovered immediately much to Samson’s chagrin. He didn’t even notice the grazes and lacerations that were appearing over his face, arms and torso, the red lyrium unable to invade his body against the barrier of blue fortifying his blood.

Samson had turned to stare behind him, sweat now running down his face as Cullen advanced menacingly on him once more. The warrior kept looking at that small pool of water, edging ever closer to it in his evident desire to get away from the wrath of Cullen’s blade.

‘The eluvian – that’s not it. He wants the Well of Sorrows!’ Leaena shouted at him as she darted forwards to fight by his side.

She’d joined in the fray once more, Samson pushed further back by a volley of electricity flying from her staff. He was momentarily stunned as she followed up with a green blaze of fire, her rift magic forming a crackling shell around Samson, immobilising him further.

‘What – Well? There’s an eluvian right there!’ Cullen glanced across at her, seeing with dismay how ill she still looked but knowing there was no way he could persuade her to step back.

‘That’s not what Corypheus wants. He wants the knowledge which is in that – pond. We cannot let him get to it otherwise he will walk the Fade without the Anchor!’ She sounded frantic, casting bolt after bolt of lightning at Samson even as she spoke. ‘The eluvian – Morrigan was wrong. And she fucked off after Abelas and left us here to fight all of this. Perhaps I should be flattered by her confidence in us!’

Cullen didn’t really understand a word of it, but if that was what Leaena said, it was good enough for him. He only just missed Samson’s exposed neck with the blade of his sword as the other man recovered from her spells. With a bellow of rage, a red shimmer surrounding him, he launched a barrage of thrusts against Cullen as Leaena was flung to one side, everything else a blur as he concentrated on his own defence.

‘Not quite as fast these days are you, Cullen? I’m looking forward to seeing your head on a pike and your whore in my bed. How many dicks do you have her sucking to get Gaspard on your side? Or do you and the Emperor enjoy taking turns to smack her into submission?’

Even as Samson hurled more crude profanities about Leaena, the sharp reminder of one of the myriad of things she’d been subjected to added more power to his sword arm as he smashed it down, a fragment of Samson’s blade breaking free. At the look of astonishment on Samson’s face, something dawned on Cullen, a vengeful smile spreading slowly across his face.

‘I was worried about that blade. I remember it all too well.’ Taking advantage of Samson’s monetary lapse, several heavy hits to his chest sent the Red Templar hurtling backwards. ‘There’s a reason it was so lethal for Meredith. For all her faults, she was a formidable warrior, with few people her equal.’

Samson had been flung flat on his back before scrambling backwards in a vain attempt to escape. A look of rabid hate at the mention of their former Knight-Commander’s name made his eyes burn crimson flames.

‘You, Samson, are nowhere near her league. I wonder why Corypheus even bothers with you still. That sword is wasted on you and your pathetic attempts at trying to be more than you ever were. And that arrogance, which has never left you, will be your downfall!’

The fight behind the three of them was coming to an end, her companions winning the day against the remainder of Samson’s men. He could sense how groggy Leaena was from the last hit she’d sustained, struggling to drag herself off the ground. Once he’d dealt with Samson, he’d go to her and take her away from the craziness that had materialised around them these last few weeks.

‘You have the audacity to accuse me of being arrogant? You’re a fine one to talk! Stop me now, why don’t you and let’s see how fast you falter once I have the knowledge of the gods at my fingertips!’

Samson was nearly at the Well, his shout of defiance making Cullen aware of his intention. Just then, a strange elf materialised by the water a black bird flew down, Morrigan appearing in front of the newcomer and blocking his path.

‘Stop Samson, Cullen!’ Leaena screamed, her fear overriding any other emotion as she helplessly watched events unfold in front of her. ‘Morrigan will deal with Abelas!’

He’d already started to run once more, seeing that Samson was moments from reaching the body of water. Who Abelas was he didn’t know or care, his sole focus being to reach Samson before he could destroy them all.

The sheer force of his momentum as he barrelled the weight of his body into Samson’s chest carried them both away from the water, right towards the enormous mirror behind them. A searing pain shot through his right side as he felt the sharp edge of a sword cut deeply through a weak spot in his armour. The nauseating flow of red lyrium directly into his system made him shudder from the wrongess of the sensation.

Yet he didn’t falter, pushing Samson further and further away and ignoring the yells of anger and the flailing sword raining blows down on his back, gasping with the effort as blood poured freely down his side. Leaena’s urgent order to ensure Corypheus’ General was nowhere near something as dangerous as the Well of Sorrows was the only thing he heeded, her panic driving him on as much as his own need to know she would finally be freed of his menace.

Just when he thought he couldn’t hold out any more, dizzy and weak from the loss of blood and the immediate infection of red lyrium, Cullen’s mind presented him with the perfect solution as the mirror suddenly shimmered into life. Using the last of his strength to end Samson’s crazed ambitions, Leaena’s inhuman scream of terror was all he registered as the two former Templars crashed through the eluvian and into a world of darkness.

\------

She couldn’t breathe, left immobile at the sight of Cullen bleeding all over Samson’s armour, flying through the eluvian just to get the Red Templar as far away from the Well - and her - as possible. Lea was in shock, shaking with her mouth open in a silent scream, her voice long gone in a keening cry of despair at what she’d witnessed.

That he had even been there in the first place was something her mind was struggling to process, all that she’d feared and worked so hard to prevent for nothing. She’d felt ecstasy at the unexpected sensation of his warmth spreading through the very essence of her being, giving her hope in the face of imminent disaster that they might yet prevail.

It hadn’t lasted.

The duel that had unfolded in front of her horrified eyes had been one of such power and ferocity she’d hesitated to go near. Two men, both evenly matched with the same abilities, both fuelled by years of animosity and hate focussed on nothing but total annihilation of the other. And, if not for the distraction of the Well of Sorrows, Cullen would have emerged victorious. 

The harsh scrapes of steel beating repeatedly against a sharp, unyielding edge was still ringing in her ears. She’d felt the blade slice through his side as if it were her own, devastation crushing her as she sensed the red lyrium instantly crawling into his body, its tuneless music immediately pulling her in through their connection and amplifying the power of the deadly substance.

And then, abruptly it all stopped as the eluvian opened and he dragged Samson through with him, the only solution he had left to prevent disaster befalling them all. The agony of his presence disappearing left her bereft, unable to breathe from the despondency of having him so close then vanishing again.

_The lyrium……he couldn’t have…_

At the reminder she was facing exactly what her worst nightmares had presented to her, she started to skirt the edges of the Well. Lea was intent on following them through, only for Morrigan’s shout to stop her in her tracks.

‘Lea! You cannot just go! Think of the greater threat!’

Turning to look behind her, holding the side where blood was seeping through her fingers, she stared at the crowd. Trystan and Dorian had also joined Solas, Varric, Cassandra and Morrigan by the edge of the Well of Sorrows, the confrontation between Abelas and Morrigan clearly having been less than polite.

‘Watch me!’ she shouted, ignoring the pain from the welter of cuts and the deep ache in her bones caused by the ever-encroaching red lyrium into her system once more. ‘If you are stupid enough to want to be bound to a bunch of dead priests then be my guest, Morrigan. More power is the last thing I ever want in my life – look where it has led us!’

‘But –‘. Whatever Morrigan had been about to say was cut short.

‘I don’t care! Tied to an ancient Elven god forevermore? I don’t bloody well think so. Let us just pray that the key to defeating Corypheus is contained within, otherwise this whole mess would have been for nothing.’

Her chest heaving from the effort it took to speak, she couldn’t conceal her mistrust of whatever it was that lurked within.

‘I’m not going to stand around here and have a debate over a fucking puddle of water! Cullen is in Andraste knows where, with a fucking maniac! He is injured and I am going to get him! And if anyone thinks to stop me, you can fuck off back to where you fucking came from and never burden me with your presence ever again!’

No one replied to her impassioned ranting, Lea not giving a damn if she sounded crazy. Her mind was buzzing and she was barely able to concentrate on anything around her. Her vision was distorted, the world a hazy blur, the need to find Cullen and kill Samson overriding any other thought in her brain.

Lea’s paranoia and terror were now in control of her every action and movement and there was nothing she could do to prevent it.

‘Solas, Varric, Trystan – with me, now! Cassandra – we’ve discussed what will happen next. Get back to Skyhold as fast as possible and make a plan with the others. We need to be prepared for Corypheus’ attack.’

The flash of memory shook her, the threat of just what the magister intended making her flinch.

‘Be quick! And destroy that mirror once you are through! He will be here, and soon. You must escape him. But now – I must –‘.

A horrible thought then occurred to her, igniting her anger as she remembered the eluvian suddenly sparking into life.

‘Was it you who opened the eluvian for Cullen? Sent him into the middle of nowhere, with no idea what lay on the other side – and a red lyrium lunatic intent on murdering him?’

‘It was apparent that was the only solution – and what he had on his mind. The Commander is a grown man, well able to take care of himself.’ Morrigan replied defensively. ‘Stop being naïve, Inquisitor! Do you want everyone to die? Because you are being very convincing right now!’

It was only through sheer force of whatever will she had remaining that Lea didn’t strike Morrigan down where she stood. The one spell she’d held back to hasten Samson’s ultimate demise was burning at her fingertips, Lea all too tempted to unleash it there and then.

‘Get in that fucking water. You had better pray to whatever god it is you believe in that we find Cullen safe and sound, or I will make you regret the day you sought me out with your trickery and lies!’ she hissed, blinded by her rage and fear. ‘And be grateful that I do not put an end to you right now!’

She ignored everyone as she hobbled as fast as she could towards the mirror, her duty as Inquisitor dealt with. The precious few minutes they’d spent on a pointless discussion was time she didn’t have to waste, every fibre of her soul clamouring to get through the mirror and to find Cullen as quickly as possible.

Vaguely she heard footsteps behind her and the comforting presence of her brother, saying nothing as he knew she was barely holding herself together. She didn’t even blink as she passed through the blue haze of ancient magic, the world going dark momentarily as her feet carried her through the eluvian to the Crossroads on the other side.

Suddenly, all was silent around her. The quiet background hum of the faded universe they’d entered was all that was audible, the shadowy mist hanging around them reinforcing the emptiness of a once thriving hub now echoing the ghosts of its past.

‘What the fuck is this place?’ Varric’s nervous voice snapped her out of her reverie.

Lea shook her head, unable to speak. Her momentary burst of strength as she’d staggered forwards, praying he would be right before her, crumbled to nothing as she stared at the barren, gloomy landscape before her.

Her face rested in her trembling hands as the potential outcomes swamped her, each one as horrendous as the last. It was too much to have hoped that Cullen would have been waiting on the other side, with Samson’s head in one hand as a present. There was no sign of either of them aside from stains on the floor, the nature of which she couldn’t think of without hot tears welling up and stinging her eyes.

All she had left was the reminder he might already be dead, her fear so acute she could barely stand upright as icy stabs lanced across her stomach. There was no time for wallowing in self-pity, bemoaning a situation she had bought entirely on herself.

‘Where is he?’ she choked out, the desperation to find him crucifying her. ‘I must find him!’

‘Lea, it’s alright.’ Trystan’s calm presence just about registered with her as he passed her a potion. ‘Drink this. Then we will go.’

She nodded, her brain no longer functioning. Her legs were, infuriatingly, refusing to work. All she wanted to do was run in the direction of the trail of blood she could see splattered over the grey stones.

Greedily, she drank the special potion of Solas’ that he’d handed to her, looking around and getting her bearings as her strength returned.

‘We are near the Skyhold eluvian. I recognise this place. And – the trail of – we must follow it.’ Her hands were sore as she gripped her staff tightly. ‘Let’s go. I can run again – are you all alright?’

‘We’re fine. Let’s get Cullen and get the fuck away from here.’ Varric had already started to move off, staring at the blood on the ground. ‘They have maybe ten minutes on us and they were both injured badly which I know you don’t want to think about. But it means they are close.’

She couldn’t sense Cullen anywhere, her magic casting such a wide net it was stretched to capacity. The only thing they had to guide them were the rapidly browning marks beneath her feet as she started to run.

Her sole focus was to find her love and bring him back home. She couldn’t contemplate the thought of anything else. It sickened her, to know he was suffering somewhere, as she prayed the red lyrium hadn’t settled its claws into him too deeply.

Lea was trying not to stumble on the uneven ground as she followed the path of gore, frantically trying not to think about what might be waiting for her at the other end of it. The world was a blur, the destruction of the eluvians going unnoticed as she sped past, there being little else in this strange place aside from ancient gateways and the odd tree.

The only noise to be heard came from their laboured breaths and the jangling of armour as they ran. Boots thudding rhythmically on the ground only urging Lea to move faster than she already was. They were exhausted by the events of the day and pushing themselves to the limits of their endurance in this last-ditch attempt to save Cullen and defeat Samson for good.

Then she sensed him, after what felt like an eternity, only just around the corner and mere seconds away. The strange magic in the Crossroads had altered their connection – it was still as strong but the range had shortened considerably. As she found out when they sprinted round the next bend in the path. 

‘Oh Maker, no!’ Lea screamed in terror, the sudden sensation of lyrium frantically clinging to her magic wiping everything from her mind aside from getting to his side.

Cullen was dying, the cobalt draining away at such a rapid rate she had no idea whether she could stop it, even though he was trying his very best to remain living the only way he knew how. Her magic had bonded with his immediately, already interwoven so closely it was impossible to tell where one ended and the other started. It was a desperate attempt to keep him with her, Lea throwing every single ounce of her strength, will and life force through their connection to keep him alive.

If she was not fast enough, soon all that would remain within him would be red, even now creeping through his defences and devouring his spirit. Lea knew he would choose death before allowing the hideous visions of her nightmares to ever become a reality.

‘Cullen!’

Her shriek of fear pierced the air just as Cullen slipped on a stone, leaving him exposed and vulnerable, Samson taking full advantage of the opening as the crimson blade sliced him across his stomach. Her whole world was in slow motion as she watched him stagger backwards, one hand to his side and the other across his stomach.

It was like running through treacle, her legs made of stone. She was trying her hardest to get to Cullen and catch him in her arms before he collapsed on the cold stony floor.

The desperation to reach his side was as powerful as the one to finally put an end to the sneering beast in front of her, the competing needs making her lose all sense of reality and reason from the agonising horror playing out in front of her.

She wasn’t fast enough. Cullen crumpled into a heap, his head banging hard on the ground as he fell backwards. Somehow, even with such a crippling injury, he rolled out of the way of the blade crashing down to take his head off. The effort had been too much for him as he then lay unmoving, face down and prostrate on the gravel floor.

‘Lea – go to him, now! This is my fight!’ Trystan’s voice was colder than ice as he launched himself towards Samson, rattling off orders she couldn’t manage herself. ‘Varric – keep this pathetic excuse for a man distracted! Solas, help her! Cullen has done most of our job for us.’

Trystan then focussed his attention on the man who had eluded him for so long.

‘Hello, Samson. Bet you weren’t expecting me.’ His wintry, unforgiving tone had Corypheus’ general taking an involuntary step backwards, his eyes widening in unwelcome astonishment at just who was prowling towards him.

Samson could barely stand upright, the struggle for supremacy between the two men finally having taken its toll. He was so battered, beaten and cut up there was barely anything recognisable any more in his face. His arm hung limply with the sword loosely in his grip, the other only just holding closed a fatal gash where Cullen had slashed his abdomen open. The Red Templar was seconds from death, her Commander having only been one strike away from killing him outright.

Clearly not expecting another Templar to bear down on him, especially not this one, he was horrified, now unable to escape and frozen to the spot by one of Varric’s traps. Disbelief and dread flared in his eyes as the victory he’d thought himself moments away from was snatched from his grasp. His howl of anger and denial was lost above Trystan’s roar of fury and revenge, his pent-up revenge unleashed after years of patient waiting.

For Lea, however, the deliverance she’d been waiting for had become irrelevant. Knowing her brother would take care of Samson for her, she had stumbled to her knees by Cullen’s body, gently turning him over and cradling his head in her lap. The pool of blood he’d been lying in had covered his entire armour and left dirty streaks across his face. It was also soaking through the leather of her armour, her knees and thighs damp and sticky as she supported the dead weight his body with hers.

‘No, my love, I am here, please, don’t leave me!’

Right next to her, she barely registered the glint of steel slashing through the air before one vicious swipe from Trystan’s sword severed Samson’s head clean from his neck, his insane ravings and empty threats abruptly ended. The headless corpse twitching as it spurted blood on the ground was no longer significant, the threat that was Samson now vanquished for good. Lea's only priority was bringing Cullen back from the brink before it was too late.

Solas was doing something – what, she had no idea. The murmuring voices above her head were drowned out by the deafening silence from Cullen, the low rattle of his shallow breaths all she could tune into as she tried to listen for some improvement.

Her tears were splashing down, mingling with the bleeding cuts and grime on his face as her fingers frantically smoothed back the clumps of blood-encrusted hair. He had a deep gash across his skull as well as several on his face, Lea then staring in devastation at the fatal slashes to his side and stomach.

His skin was clammy, a shade of grey only seen on those about to meet the Maker. With every second that passed he was slipping away from her, barely breathing any more. The heartbeat she always felt reverberating through her, normally strong and powerful, was barely a flutter. 

 ‘Cullen, no, no, Andraste save him, please, no!’

She was kissing his face repeatedly, sobbing, sending every ounce of power and energy she had to him through their unique, precious bond, refusing to accept he’d actually left her. The sapphire blue was fighting to not lose its grip on the cobalt threads that remained in her soul, each one fading away as he slipped further through the Veil.

‘Come back to me, Cullen, it’s over now. I promise, we will never be apart, never. I will never leave you again….my life….my love….don’t go….’

As she gathered his cold body to hers, hoping he could feel her warmth, she was whispering to him, calling him back – telling him all her hopes and dreams for the future which she’d never dared share before.

‘We’ll have a family…..children…..one, two, however many  you want….I’ve dreamt of you being a father….so often, you have no idea…….watching you with our babies……you’d be an amazing papa…..’

Babbling incoherently as she soaked the fur of his cape with her tears was all she could think of doing, the blue still staying within her even as his breathing slowed further. She was numb from shock, terrified and shaking, rambling about all the things she’d wished told him – things she wished they’d done.

_And now, I am out of time._

‘We will go soon……just us, away from the madness, away from the pain……somewhere quiet…..maybe near a lake or near the sea, wherever you want……please don’t leave me alone……I need you…..I love you….I love you….don’t go…..’

Even as she felt hands rest on her shoulders, trying to move her away, she stayed put. The soul that had lit up her life, the sole beacon of hope and joy in a world of anguish and darkness was still there, flickering faintly as the blackness threatened to finally devour it whole.

‘You never gave up on me and I am not giving up on you. You are in there, Cullen. Somewhere. I will find you. Wait for me, my love.’

Her fierce whispers were all Lea remembered hearing as she kissed his icy lips, refusing to admit defeat. There was only her love left to sustain the dimming flame of life as she held him tight, praying over and over to the Maker to send him back to her side.


	96. The Path to Yesteryear

_Help me……_

A one point his world had been an inferno of blinding pain, repeated stabs of agony burning through his side and stomach. He’d welcomed the profuse bleeding in the misguided belief he was purging the corruption from his body, even as the vicious bite of Meredith’ blade time and time again compounded the virulent spread of red lyrium’s disease.

The blue and red collided violently within his blood – two opposing forces fighting for supremacy, a titanic struggle for dominance raging within him that he couldn’t control. It had weakened him, just as fast as the hot crimson tide pouring from deep gashes in his side and stomach – gashes he’d lost the strength to hold together.

_I can’t…._

Something had happened before his world had gone black. An enemy that he’d so nearly vanquished. Friends who had lent him his strength when he finally faltered, the roar of rage and the clash of steel ringing in his ears as he’d collapsed immobile on the gravel.

Yet even these most immediate thoughts were dissipating into the grey nothingness as he lost himself to the quiet whispers of emptiness and still, his mind and body too tired to resist them any further.

Vaguely, he realised he wasn’t really anywhere any more. He was in his body, the feel of stones digging into his cheek bizarrely staying with him still. But, at the same time, he’d left. Memories were formless shapes of mist as he tried to snatch them from the air, yet unable to summon up any energy to remember why they were just so important.

_Leaena…._

That one name was all that kept him from crossing that point of no return. It represented a love so powerful it called to him still, his one anchor to the world he had all but forsaken. It was love that reminded him of who he was, that gave him purpose and a reason for being for a soul that had been crippled too often by despair and crushing regret.

Even as he was drawn irrevocably away from her he somehow resisted. The fog dissolved as the sparkle of thousands of sapphires danced, singing their sweet music of joy and vitality as they energised the dying lyrium within him. He drank greedily, his soul desperate for more of her as he pulled her closer, delighting in the comforting, secure presence that only her love could provide.

But then there was panic, his momentary respite forgotten as the sapphires started to sink deeper into the gloom. He started to feel frantic, searching for an escape, the thought of being without her – leaving her alone – hurting him far more than any suffering he’d ever had to endure before.

‘I will never leave you again….my life….my love….don’t go….’

A forgotten feeling of heat coursed through him as soft lips pressed against his, the whisper from a musical, lilting voice bringing a wave of awareness to his dulled senses. His urgency to find a way out of the nothing increased even as he felt an unrelenting pull, the shape of his body becoming insubstantial the faster he edged to death. Her magic still counteracted it, the blue blaze intensifying as its tight, reassuring grip on the last of his life-force gave him one final chance for survival.

 _My love…..my life….Leaena…..don’t leave me here….I need you…_.

Sapphire blue surged in response to his plea, flooding him with energy he continued to draw on even as he felt it waver. He couldn’t stop himself, desperate to not lose the one link he had to her as he fought against the dead chill dragging him ever closer to the afterlife. He wanted to scream from the force as he pulled her ever closer to his own demise, the bleakness looming before him a stark reminder of everything he would lose if he couldn’t find the strength to endure.

Pressure was building somewhere in his brain, a pressure so intense it was beginning to drive everything out of his mind and body. From nowhere, bright flames blinded him even as he felt his mind finally shut down, unable to cope with the relentless agony lancing through him.

Cullen finally gave into the debilitating pain, his body too drained and his mind too exhausted to fight any more, as he abandoned himself to the numbing fire rapidly taking over every fibre of his being. The only thing he registered as the pure white light enveloped his senses was the tinge of blue with a hint of green sneaking through a seemingly impenetrable barrier, the warmth he’d felt from Leaena’s kiss and her enduring love for him reverberating through his soul as he gave himself to the Maker’s care.

\-------

_I’m here. I’ve got you._

‘You have to let go. Before you lose yourself. This is killing you too!’

‘No! He is still alive! We have to give him a chance!’

_Don’t let go. Promise me._

‘Because of you! You’ve been gutted like a fish! That alone is enough to finish you off, not to mention the power you’re feeding him! There’s barely anything left in either of you to survive!’

‘If you have nothing useful to say, just leave! Cullen lives still – I can sense him! He will come back to me…..’

Lea categorically refused to listen to Trystan’s negativity, determined not to budge from her spot even as the chill of the stones seeped into her bones. The huge rent down her side the Aspect of the Nightmare had given her in the Fade was reopened, the quick burst of healing she’d given it earlier only roughly bonding the skin back together.

Her body was ablaze with fever and pain, but she ignored it. The steady flow of hot stickiness she could feel under the leather of her armour was irrelevant, there being so much blood around her now a bit more would make little difference. The three people standing and staring at her in horror were indistinct almost from the mist swirling around them all, her dizziness making it hard to focus.

_That’s alright. I only ever need to look at you anyway._

‘Listen to reason, Lea! You are bleeding to death as much as he is! Would you lose Thedas for the sake of one person?’

‘Yes,’ she replied without hesitation, disinterested in anything but Cullen as her shaking fingers somehow functioned, trying to clear the worst of the blood and grime from the multitude of cuts he’d sustained on his face. ‘There is no world for me without him in it. It can be this side of the Veil, or it can be by the Maker’s side – I care not which.’

On one level, she understood her brother’s fear, not wanting to see two of the people he most cared about die before his eyes. But it still barely registered, Lea’s entire being absorbed in maintaining the spark of life she was nurturing, cradled within a protective barrier of sapphire blue.

All the power she had available was his as she let her energy pour forth, warding off the encroaching crimson poison that sought to control his brain. The organs that were so close to failure were prevented from shutting down as her magic infused his body. Every last ounce of strength she had was flowing into him, maintaining his faltering pulse. Lea would give him her all, and more, if it meant he could live.

The precious cobalt threads refused to relinquish their grip, clinging desperately to her tapestry of sapphires as her spirit continued to bind Cullen ever closer to the force of her beating heart. He wanted to awaken, she knew it - could feel it in every fibre of his being. Then they were as one as he pulled her closer, unable to stop himself. As death’s cold embrace sought to claim him, he yearned for her still, the idea of them being separated unthinkable even now.

 ‘She will die too – Maker save me, I can’t reach her any more!’

‘They are too bound together for this to be reversed. There is nothing –‘.

‘Don’t say that! There must be something! What about before!’

‘That was different, in ways I cannot even begin to explain to you! This – now, I need her to help. He is too close to the Veil and she has given too much of herself to turn back!’

The arguing voices of Solas and Trystan had become muffled as Lea’s vision blurred, increasing the flow of her magic to support the irregular beat still somehow pushing blood through veins that threatened to close. She had no time to waste words on them, intent on saving the cold body hanging limply in her arms. They didn’t know, and couldn’t see just how intrinsically linked they were, in every way that mattered.

‘So fix her, then him! They come as a pair, if you hadn’t realised! Or have you forgotten we’re all fucked otherwise?’

There was nothing that could have persuaded her to let go, not of his physical form and not of the life-force that was steadily seeping away into a void of blackness, taking her with it. And she wasn’t going to expend precious energy trying to explain. Not to Varric, or anyone else.

‘Lea, you must listen to me…it is important…’

Cullen was drifting away from her, headed to a place of shadows and mist. That she had a choice to step away didn’t even occur to her. Her decision had been made a long time ago – the very instant her eyes had met his at the Temple of Sacred Ashes and found the missing half of her soul.

‘I am here, my love. Always. In this life and the next, we will never be apart,’ she whispered fiercely before kissing him once more. She knew a part of him had heard her and understood – the almost stationary flows of his living essence flaring momentarily in response before dwindling away.

Her only choice now was to let go or follow him into the void.

_I will not leave you._

_I will be by your side for eternity, no matter where this journey takes us._

‘Your Mark, da’len…….open the way……through you……’

Everything had become distant as some part of her subconscious absorbed the words shouted to her. A flash of understanding led to a memory, a blaze of green igniting to cut a path through a fortress of red, Lea responding instinctively to the urgent command in the familiar voice. Flames filled her vision, suffusing her body with warmth as her mind opened, exposed for just a second before a raging torrent of mana consumed her completely.

White emptiness suddenly blinded her with its intensity, a helix of emerald and sapphire spinning a weave of raw energy around her as she tumbled into oblivion.

\------

_That light – Maker’s Breath! That hurts!_

His world was brilliant white, his head hurting so badly it felt like it was about to fall off. All sound was muffled around him, the only noise being his quiet footsteps as he stumbled forward, only just managing to right himself in time. He had no idea where he was, or how he’d ended up in this place, his last memory being falling and an agonizing pain like he’d never experienced driving him to his knees.

He was on his own in this ghostly place he’d somehow found himself in. Reaching one hand forward, he saw only fog envelop him, chilling him to the bone and making him shiver.

Cullen hadn’t felt this scared and afraid since he’d been trapped in a world of shimmering purple, the energy of the demon’s cage so powerful it delivered instant death to anyone who touched it.

‘How – where am I?’ His words carried nowhere, falling flat as he stared down at his feet.

He was surprised to see he was wearing his usual armour, pulling his heavy cape around him as he tried to ward off the freezing chill of the cloud. The bear fur tickled his cheek as he hugged the thick cloth to him. Cullen suddenly realised the only ache he had was in his head – all the other injuries he knew he’d sustained having disappeared.

The sense of unease, that he was somewhere he shouldn’t be right now, grew with every second as he looked frantically around him for some sort of reference point.

As he glanced down again at his boots, he suddenly realised he was standing on a path of smooth grey stone. It seemed to begin where his feet were placed and led only in one direction.

‘Well, nothing else for it,’ he muttered uncertainly to himself as he took a step forward.

_Leaena…._

With his first step a name drifted through his mind, the mere reminder of her sending a reassuring warmth spreading through his body. Her sparkling blue eyes as she watched him, dancing with laughter and happiness were all he could see as he moved again, his movements becoming more purposeful the more he thought of her. He could hear her musical, rich voice as she whispered words of love and certainty, bringing a clarity to his thoughts he’d been lacking only moments previously.

She wasn’t here with him and Cullen couldn’t contemplate any universe, anywhere, without Leaena in it too. He didn’t think he was dead, but he was definitely somewhere he did not want to be. The only solution was to find a way out and back to her as fast as he could.

Or die in the process.

He remembered everything, right up to rolling out of the way of Meredith’s blade. He’d heard Trystan’s roar of anger as he cleaved Samson’s head off, had felt Leaena’s arms around him, soothing him, the kisses she pressed against his lips warm and reassuring, begging him to not leave.   He knew he’d been seconds from doing just that – Leaena must have done something to prevent it from happening completely. It had left him here in a place where he existed yet didn’t at the same time.

‘I’ll find a way, I promise you.’ He would – he had no other option.

Cullen knew in that instant that, if he didn’t succeed, Leaena would follow him to the afterlife. They were already joined together in a way no one else could possibly understand, and whatever she had done to keep his heart beating had made that bond stronger. Her survival depended on his – the mere suggestion of her death firing determination through him to get out of wherever he was as fast as possible.

The whole idea was abhorrent – she was so vital, filled with the joy of life. That the purity of her spirit could so easily be snuffed out by the blackness he’d been staring into made him shudder in horror.

The cloud seemed to thin as he walked on soundlessly, the path widening before his feet at a rapid rate. Time had no sense of place here as he plodded on, unsure of what to expect or what to do except keep going, thoughts of Leaena filling his vision and giving him purpose.

All his memories of her were special, even the ones where she was afire with her anger.

_She always looks magnificent in her wrath - and stunningly beautiful._

‘I hate that you are in pain when you’re furious like that though. I hate hurting you.’ He didn’t care that he was talking to himself, there being nothing else to do as he carried on moving. ‘At least I managed to say sorry. Before this.’

For some reason, the memory of her standing in the pouring rain before leaving him to fight Samson had appeared in his mind. Her hair had been plastered down the sides of her face and her glorious eyes were burning with her need to keep him safe, even amidst her fury.

‘You look so perfect, quite rightly putting me in my place.’ She was the living embodiment of passion, whether through rage or desire. ‘I didn’t dare tell you that at the time.’

‘I wish I did. Tell you more often, how very lovely you are. In general,’ he finished wistfully, feeling more and more desperate to find his way out of the eerie stillness and get to her. 

It helped to talk out loud, to remind himself he was still there and not a ghost.

Just then, the mist parted and he realised he was standing at a fork in the path. There was no sign, no indication to tell him which way he had to go. Cullen rubbed his head in frustration, the headache intensifying as rapidly as his fear.

‘Which one is the right one! How the fuck am I supposed to know?’ he shouted out to the nothingness, his hands clenching into fists as he stared helplessly at two identical sets of stones.

The silence was deafening, his mini tantrum getting him nowhere.

With a growl of frustration, he absently reached into his pocket for a Ferelden silver he knew wouldn’t be there. It was a habit of a lifetime he’d not managed to break even when his lucky charm had been in Leaena’s care.

As his fingers curled round a circular metal disc, complete with chain attached, he started in shock at the unexpected feel of Branson’s token. He’d meant to give it to Leaena, forgetting completely during their bitter argument and assuming it wouldn’t appear in this bizarre place. Pulling it out, he dangled it between his fingers, the silver catching the white light and gleaming against the dark brown leather.

‘Well, it’s all I have. It’s something, at least.’

He clasped it in his palm, feeling foolishly better for having a token of both his family and of Leaena with him in this alien land he’d woken up in. With a shrug, he set off down the left hand path, deciding there was little difference between the two.

Mere moments later Cullen immediately regretted his choice as he felt himself tumble uncontrollably into a kaleidoscope of colour. Shapes and noises were shifting around him, whirling patterns changing so fast in his head it made him sick. Everything was quicksilver around him, his hands flailing through amorphous objects as he tried to grab hold of something, anything in his panic……

_…..where am I…..how….how?!_

_Maker save me…..this can’t be happening…._

It was like a thunderclap in his mind, a bewildering sense of alarm and terror coming from nowhere as he rubbed balled fists in into his eye sockets to shake the total disorientation that had suddenly gripped his mind.

Blinking blearily, feeling completely lost, Cullen looked up again, anxious as to what he would find in front of him. He was breathing, the skin on his hands felt warm and he could even see the hint of his pulse throbbing in his wrist as his heart raced inside his chest. He was alive. But his brain was clouded by confusion and fear.

_I….this can’t be!_

As abruptly as it had arrived, the sense of everything being in the wrong place disappeared when he looked at the wooden table in front of him. A satisfied smile crossed his lips as he saw the positioning of the pieces, wooden objects made smooth from years of handling, particularly in recent months.

Finally, he’d won.

‘You must have cheated!’ The indignant squawk had him grinning from ear to ear. 

‘I played fair and square! You just can’t stand to lose!’

Mia was pouting, kicking one leg against the chair, the other tucked underneath her as she scowled at the chess board.  Cullen was enjoying this thoroughly, a gleeful laugh from Branson not improving Mia’s mood one bit.

‘You did it, Cullen!’ A small hand had slipped into his, Rosalie looking up at him in adoration as she tugged on his arm.

‘I did. And I’m glad you were here to see it happen.’ He gave his baby sister a hug as he slipped down from his chair, looking expectantly at his eldest sister.

It had taken weeks and weeks of effort, but it had finally paid off. Mia’s irritating air of superiority had been well and truly vanquished.

‘You’ve lost your crown now, Mia.’ He was smirking mercilessly at her, relishing his moment of victory. ‘Why don’t you try against Branson? He practiced too.’

‘No. This is a stupid game anyway!’ Mia sulked and slid off her chair, walking towards the door with her nose high in the air.

‘Spoilsport!’ Branson shouted at her merrily from behind him. ‘Just because you know I’ll beat you!’

Mia ignored them all, stalking outside of the barn where they’d set up their makeshift tournament and heading outside back to the farmhouse. The heavy wooden door closed behind her, all of them starting to laugh at her shriek of rage when it failed to bang shut as she’d wanted.

‘Aw. I wanted to win too.’ Branson shrugged, clearing away the board. ‘But she’s in one of those moods.’

‘We need to catch up to her, before Mama realises we’re late for supper.’ Cullen looked around him, making sure they’d tidied away properly. ‘Come on Rosie, let’s see how fast we can run.’

The three of them hastily made their way outside, the afternoon sun casting a golden glow over the fields of wheat surrounding them. There was no sign of Mia, Cullen frowning a bit as he tried to spot where she might have gone. It wasn’t like her to get so emotional over a game of chess.

‘I’d better go find her,’ he sighed, Rosie giving a squeak of disapproval as he let go of her hand. ‘Be a good girl and go with Branson. I promise we’ll read together before bedtime alright?’

‘Yes, she’ll be furious with herself. And then she’ll miss dinner. And then none of us will get any dessert as a punishment,’ Branson moaned, snatching hold of an unwilling Roaslie’s arm. ‘Let’s go Rosiebaby, and see if Mama has some milk for you.’

‘I’m not a baby!’ she protested, even as she trotted obediently after Brandon, the lure of some warm milk overriding her reluctance to leave her beloved eldest brother’s side – almost.

‘You promise you will, Cullen? And again before you leave?’ Huge amber eyes the same colour as his were gazing at him hopefully, even as her bottom lip trembled at the thought of the future.

‘You know I will, silly goose,’ he replied fondly, his heart catching in his chest painfully as the reality of what was to come started to dawn on him.

Cullen was going to be parted from everything he knew and loved. It was all he wanted, all he’d dreamed of for years. But now that future was so close to happening, he wasn’t sure how he felt about it.

Excited to achieve his ambitions, and pain at leaving his family – his security – behind.

For the first time in his life he felt truly conflicted, with no way of knowing how to resolve it all.  

Watching them traipse back to the farmhouse he turned around, heading for the orchard and the apple tree where he knew Mia would be hiding. Finding a long stick on the ground, he started to swing it aimlessly, thoughts of the future removing the thrill of a victory he’d worked so hard to earn.

She was right where he thought she’d be, curled onto the broad bough, staring sightlessly at the leaves she was twirling in her fingers. The blue gingham of her dress was caught slightly in the branches, one brown boot waving in the air as she angrily swiped at her face. The smell of apples and the odd buzz of a bee were all that he could hear, Cullen reluctant suddenly to disturb her.  

‘What’s the matter, Mia? It’s not like you to be a sore loser.’

There was nothing in return aside from an uncomfortable silence that had him scuffing his toe in the dirt, awkwardly waiting for her to say something.

‘You may as well come closer.’ Mia blurted out after a minute. ‘Although I don’t know what you’re hoping to achieve.’

‘Some apple pie would be a start.’ He kept his tone light as he walked to join her by the branch.

‘So I’m just your source of food am I? What if I don’t want any?’ she said grumpily, even as her stomach rumbled. ‘Well, whatever. It doesn’t matter anyway. You’ll be gone soon, eating Templar food. I bet it’s disgusting.’

Her lips were set in a mulish line, refusing to acknowledge where the real issue lay. ‘Besides, I don’t want to talk about it!’

‘I have to leave soon. I don’t want us to fight before I go.’ In one short week nothing would ever be the same again.

It was unusual for Mia and him to be at odds with one another. They fought, as siblings do, but they were best friends too. For her to be so out of sorts was unsettling, Cullen wanting her to be as excited as he was. But he was leaving her, moving onto a new world where she couldn’t protect him. Their roles were changing places and that disturbed her more than she cared to admit.

All of her defensiveness deflated as she tried her best to not burst into tears once more. ‘I – I guess I’ll miss you. And I am worried about you. All those mages and blood magic and – it’s dangerous, to be a Templar. They give you that blue stuff. Everyone knows what happens in the end. What’s going to happen to you?’

Her words had come out in a big rush, her bottled up anxieties pouring forth. Mia had been his biggest champion, persuading their parents this was the right thing for him to do – but the decision he’d made had come at a significant cost to everyone that he loved. The consequences of his choice were only just becoming fully apparent to him now. As was the guilt at hurting those he loved most.

‘I am going to do what we’ve always said I will do. I am going to learn how to become a Templar and protect everyone from demons and blood magic. They take lyrium so they can enhance their powers and fight the bad people. It will be a good thing.’ The urge to watch over and keep safe all that he loved was a basic instinct Cullen had felt his entire life – something he couldn’t ignore, not even for her sake. ‘That’s all there is to it.’

‘You say it like it’s easy.’ Mia huffed as she gave him a watery smile. ‘And perhaps it is. You’ve trained and studied hard for this. You’ll be the best Templar ever. The mages are lucky to have you. They – are you scared, Cullen?’

‘Of mages?’ He thought about it for a moment, considering what he’d already learnt from the Templars in Honnleath. ‘No. They are people, at the end of the day. Their special gift from the Maker just means they sometimes need help with when things go wrong. How bad can it be, after all?’

‘So confident,’ she quipped as she flung her bouquet of leaves at him jokingly, before her face turned serious once more. ‘But you are right. Treat others as you wish to be treated. It’s a good path to follow.’

Mia seemed happier again, her worry for him subsiding as she gave him a proper smile. He just hoped his reassurances were true.

‘You’re right and I intend to do so.’ Cullen rose, holding out a hand to help her down. ‘Ready for Mama’s best pudding?’

‘I am. And Cullen,’ Mia looked up at him pride and sadness reflected in her eyes as she caught his gaze. ‘Promise me you’ll write? I – it won’t be the same once you’re gone.’

‘I promise. I will miss everyone, you know? Hearing from you will help remind me what’s important.’ He was earnest in his response, not wanting to hurt the sister he’d idolised for as long as he could remember.

‘Good.’ A teasing note entered her voice as they headed back to the farm. ‘Because I know you’ll get distracted by all the girls that will be there – ‘.

‘Mia!’ Cullen blushed furiously to his roots, the whole subject of the opposite sex making him burn with embarrassment.

Girls were still foreign creatures to him, most of them like his sisters with bouncy blonde ringlets and wide smiles. He avoided them at all costs.

‘I’m joking! Besides, you’ll be too busy playing with a wooden sword to do much of anything else.’ Her grin was getting bigger the more agitated he became.

‘It is not going to be made of wood! In fact…..’

A line of blue energy came out of nowhere, searing across Cullen’s vision as the two of them continued their good-natured argument on their way home. A massive jolt rattled shim from head to foot  as he cried out in mindless terror, the world suddenly blazing around him as he felt his mind and body spiral out of control.

_Mia! Mia!!_

The switch in his surroundings was so dramatic he barely had time to gasp a second breath. Numbing horror that something had happened to Mia made Cullen frantically scrabble at the blue bubble encasing him, all to no avail. The sense of seasickness overwhelmed him, chaos reigning in his mind as he tried to understand how he even knew what being seasick felt like.

_Sea…I’ve been there. Before._

_For her. Kirkwall. To escape._

He was then dumped, the bubble abruptly bursting open and depositing him sprawling on a freezing stone floor. All he could do was lie there gasping at the shock he’d received in his mind, the instantaneous change of direction from his childhood mind too much for him to deal with.

‘I was there! It was real!’

He groaned aloud in sheer bewilderment into the unforgiving granite surface beneath him, seeking explanations that just weren’t there.

The whole scenario had been so real he couldn’t quite comprehend how it had happened. It had been him, Cullen, there, with his siblings. He’d been thirteen again, facing the first real challenge of his life, the first adult decision he’d made.

The guilt he felt at having left his family behind, at having never quite been the brother he should have, ate at his conscience even now. He’d barely written, had barely given it a thought, too consumed in his new exciting life before everything had gone so horribly wrong. After that, he hadn’t been in a state to communicate with anyone, wasting years caught up in a self-righteous zeal that had all too frequently trodden the fine line between protection and persecution.

Deciding that lying uncomfortably prostrate on the ground wouldn’t help him either, he dragged himself upright, looking around to see if anything had changed.

It had, quite significantly. The path to his right had gone, and through the mist lay a myriad of different choices, each one branching off in multiple directions depending on which route he took. There seemed to be a few wavering lines of hazy blue and green streaking the air too, but Cullen could all too easily put that down to the cracking headache that was refusing to leave him be.

That he was facing points in his life where he’d made major life choices was apparent. What wasn’t so apparent was what this bizarre place would through up for him to confront next.

Cullen had been faced with the agonising consequences of a dream becoming reality, leaving everything that represented stability and love behind for an uncertain future in a violent, dangerous world. Even being so young, he’d understood the ramifications. And Mia’s pain and distress had cut him to the bone, still able to remember even now the bleak and empty look in her eyes the day he’d ridden away with their father the last time.

The toneless notes of his voice did little to appease the conflict that had arisen within him. Realising that he’d never resolve it if he stood around bemoaning the past, he tried to understand what he was looking at once more.

‘It’s a puzzle. Of sorts. It must be. Andraste give me strength, why does it have to be a blasted puzzle!’

Faffing around, trying to find a solution to some amorphous problem that didn’t quite exist was not one of his strong points.

Cullen knew he’d have to try and find a way around it. Or he’d be wandering around this wretched place for the rest of eternity. Thinking through what he’d done to get onto the path before, he remembered the Ferelden silver, in his mind the one physical link to Leaena he had left.

_I miss you, my lady, now more than ever before._

_Your guidance, your determination, your foresight…..just you. All of you._

Feeling completely ridiculous, he started to walk.

He had no other handy suggestion springing to mind – aside from placing his faith in a coin his brother had managed to convince a naïve youngster was lucky. Cullen clutched hold of it in his fist once more as he began to walk forwards, searching for any hint of which path he needed to follow to escape this whitewashed prison.

Cullen was still raw from the remembered pain of leaving Mia and his family behind, stinging him still even after all these years. He’d tried to write at first, longer letters that became shorter and shorter as his old life faded away and the new one took over. A boy becoming a youth, before transitioning to a young man had other things on his mind rather than parents and siblings who bore no relation to his day-to-day life. The yearly, brief and sometimes awkward visits when they could manage the time away from the farm just highlighted how distant he’d become from them all.

‘And I never even wrote. Not then, not now.’ Remorse stabbed through him at just how poor a brother he’d become. ‘Caught up in my own interests. In my own arrogance. That’s why it was so hard. And it’s too late.’

The familiar acid churn of guilt burned his gut as he stared at the coin resting in his palm. He gave a heavy sigh, shaking his head slightly as he observed the white wilderness around him. The only thing left for him to do was keep moving.

_Forwards. Not looking back._

It was something Cullen could only put down to instinct, but every time he tried to keep going straight, he got an overwhelming sense of wrongness. It was as if a gentle pressure inside of him was urging to turn left again, except there was nothing there. Trying to go right instead worked for about two seconds before the nauseating oppression swept through him once more.

The only way seemed to be left into nothingness. But that same route would lead him to Leaena, he was sure of it.

‘Fuck it, take a chance why don’t you Cullen,’ he muttered in frustration, filled with apprehension as he placed a foot gingerly into the thick white cloud.

Blinking suddenly, he realised a path that hadn’t even been an option before had materialised, leading away from the other options that were now behind him. He continued hesitantly down the trail at first which continued to open up at his feet, then growing more certain the further he walked.

Stopping to take a quick look back, he was astonished to see the multitude of choices he’d had available had vanished. ‘How…where is this place!’

His cry of confusion did nothing whatsoever, the path merely glinting back at him as mist swirled around his ankles and calves.

With a shrug of resignation, Cullen kept walking forwards, the chain of the necklace tangled tightly around his fingers as he kept glancing down at the silver in his palm. There was nothing out of the ordinary happening – well, in regard to the metal. He couldn’t speak for whatever it was he was caught up in, however.

He’d been around magic for almost two decades of his life. Each year that passed, he thought he’d seen it all, that nothing would ever cease to amaze and scare him from its use and power. But apparently not, if this latest offering was anything to go by.

Before he had time to ponder on that further, that gut-wrenching sensation of freefalling into infinity had his mouth wide open in a silent scream, his stomach feeling as if he’d been left far behind. Colours had blurred around him and there was nothing at all he could make out as he felt a chill wind rumple his hair and blister his cheeks.

_Maker no, not again! What is this!! Where am I!!_

_Leaena, help me I can’t do this…..I can’t….._

Spinning uncontrollably, he felt himself panicking once more, the total loss of control of anything around him terrifying him more than any Pride Demon could.  There was a roaring sound in his ears to match the screaming in his head, feeling himself fade away once more as something else as shadows swamped his mind.

\------

She had been in a sea of chatter and noise, a million and more thoughts and recollections floating past her at such a rate she felt like she might drown in them all. Colours, sound, feeling – it all flooded through her, sometimes leaving her gasping as she was overwhelmed by a lifetime of memories. All belonging to someone else.

Stilling her mind to peace, she closed her eyes, breathing in and out deeply as she refocussed once more.

Lea was in the Fade. And not just any part of the Fade. She was in the part where life met death, where souls would wander aimlessly for all eternity with no chance of salvation and no hope of escape. It was where she’d managed to halt Cullen’s steady progress across to the afterlife, using the very last vestiges of his own strength to somehow stay with her even now.

It was from here that she had to save him, using her own magic and the power of the Mark to guide him on the path to freedom. If she didn’t she’d be left with a husk of a body, the very essence of what made Cullen the unique, loving, wonderful man of her dreams sucked away by the myriad of demons lurking around them, stalking their prey.

And then she’d die too. For now, his life was dependent on hers and vice versa. Lea was the one sustaining his soul as Solas repaired his broken body, making it habitable once more for him to return.

The demons stayed away from her, because of the green fire which scared them so, extending its protection to Cullen as well. Lea had sealed him away from the vultures circling the blue bubble of her magic to give him the time he needed to find his way out again.

_He’s searching for the correct path._

_The right way out in amongst a lifetime of decisions and the resulting consequences._

All Cullen had to guide him was the flow of magic she’d been able to slide in under the barrier, a beacon pulling him in the right direction, similar to the one she’d sent to him in the Shrine of Dumat. This time, the energy came from the power of her Mark combined with her own individual signature - one she knew he’d recognise anywhere.

It was her turn to save him, to guide him, even if he wasn’t aware of it.

_Something happened though._

_He’s at war with himself again._

Cullen couldn’t hide it from her, the anguish, the guilt that he’d just never be quite enough without lyrium. The regret in his eyes when she’d had one chance to question him about it had seared her heart, terrified that he’d lost his fight to free himself from the Order that had bound him for so long – the one that was no longer recognisable from the ideals of his youth.

It was a fight Cullen had been having with himself for his entire adult life – where his duty ended and his own dreams and beliefs could take precedence.

She had faith in him, that he could resist the power of lyrium’s call. But Cullen had to have that faith too, and Lea had failed him just when he’d needed her the most.

All she could do was pray, and wait.

She was as solid as she could be, her living form replicated here, as was his. Her true body lay somewhere in the Crossroads, almost as near to death as Cullen’s, the red lyrium killing them as much as their injuries. That hadn’t mattered to her. She’d immediately dove in after him into the Fade, giving all she could to support the desire she knew was there to survive, preventing both his mind and body from making that final journey from which there was no return.

_I was just in time. A minute later…_

If Lea thought about the _what ifs_ she’d go mad. Especially in this place where enemies were just looking for the chance to pounce on any weakness. She’d already seen off two demons and was steadily on the lookout for more as she sat patiently and somewhat nervously, not sure what to expect next. Now was not the time for panic or hysteria.

_There is no rush._

_I would wait forever for you. I will be here when you return._

The steady flow of living sapphire was still winding its way around the cobalt threads of his subconscious mind, anchoring him to reality. Solas had by now too, combined his magic to hers, continuing to suffuse Cullen’s body with life through the shared connection she and Cullen had taken for granted all too often. If she’d realised it would save their lives on not just one, but two occasions, she would never have been quite so blasé about its existence.

The last frantic instruction she’d heard from the elf she’d understood, just able to let her mind slide into the Fade where she’d be safe – and able to reach Cullen in a way he couldn’t. Their unique bond gave her access to Cullen’s inner self, while her Mark allowed Solas to work spells unlike anything she’d ever encountered in her life.

Her friend was busy saving their bodies, both of them unconscious as a result of the severity of their injuries. How Solas was managing to achieve that, she had no idea, but she was too busy focussing her attention on protecting the person just on the other side of the blue-green shield to give it much thought.

_Come back to me, Cullen._

_I will always be here for you._

Lea knew she held the key to his escape even as she guarded his mind. She didn’t know what Cullen might be facing, aside from his own past, but just in case she was sending all the love and reassurance she had through her magic, hoping it might help somehow.

_Forgive yourself, my love._

The Fade was shifting around her with every remembrance Cullen was experiencing. Although she couldn’t see the memory, she could see the surroundings. There had been rolling countryside and a farmhouse, then an ancient, grand structure that she knew was Kinloch Hold. Fear had spiked through her at what that might have meant, leaving her frantically trying to maintain her composure.

He didn’t need her panicking. He needed her sane.

‘Nearly dying is an experience I wasn’t prepared for,’ she muttered, pulling on the braid of her hair absently as she considered the one problem she had yet to figure out a solution to.

Lea had no clue how much time she could have away from her physical form, nor how she was to be retrieved from the Fade herself. Her entrance had been less than orthodox, after all. Forcing down her own uncertainty, she reminded herself that she too was waiting for a signal. Solas would be able to find her. She needed to stay centred.  

Her job was to protect Cullen for as long as she needed to. Her time here was precious, making sure the barrier was strong enough to protect him but malleable enough for Cullen to leave when the time was right. She’d still be connected to him as she was the only one who could keep the way open for his spirit to return back to the living world.

Lea was determined to wait until he found his way through his own conscience, guarding him just as he’d guarded her so often, for once able to be his shield.

She couldn’t put her finger on it, but somehow Cullen was still trapped – and this part of the Fade would keep him in that place until he found the answers to escape.

Chewing on her lip as she concentrated the flows of her magic once more, she bent her will to the task at hand, fully aware that one slip on her part could see Cullen lost – and this time she wouldn’t be able to save him.

\--------

_What – they said what?_

He wasn’t listening. He refused to listen. If he could clamp his gauntlets over his ears he would, no matter how silly he’d look.

‘He held out, apparently, even when she begged!’

‘It’s only a matter of time. Have you seen how he is around her?’

‘Only her though. He’s quite chatty for a Templar.’

‘Means he’s smitten. Shame. I wondered if he might be tempted by another. I’d be happy to show him the side benefits of magic.’

‘Side benefits? Main benefits more like! More than one of that lot can attest to it too, much though they pretend otherwise.’

A burst of giggles made him wince. Cullen wished for the millionth time there was a way he could stop his face turning the colour of a tomato at the mere indication of what the two apprentices were suggesting.

He tried his very best to studiously ignore their whispers and coy glances in his direction, yet was unable to stop his thoughts from running riot. He understood the basics – he’d lived on a farm after all! Yet to just throw himself into such an intimate act had been something he couldn’t bring himself to do.

Not that he hadn’t thought about it, however. At length.

When he had some time on his own to fully indulge in the thought of her, late at night in his bunk, he’d get so hard he’d have no alternative but to relieve the tension. Silent moans and stealthy, jerky movements under the sheets were the only option available to him as he rapidly bought himself to orgasm with no more than his palm and his imagination. The same fantasy was running through his mind over and over, all while praying he wouldn’t get overheard as he shook with the force of his release.

Each time, he’d burn with shame, sick to his stomach as he hastily cleaned the sticky mess from his hands. Failure to keep the most basic of his vows was taunting him just as much as the lack of physical satisfaction he felt, the momentary burst of pleasure no compensation for what he imagined the real thing to truly be.

A mage. And one in particular that he’d been unable to drive from his mind the moment he saw her.

She’d offered him the world. And he’d refused.

Cullen could barely think of anything else, fascinated even in spite of what he was and everything he represented. He knew of the rumours and had even stumbled across shadows in a corner, locked together in a forbidden moment of passion. He’d heard of the dizzying high being intimate with a mage could bring. Some of the more boastful Templars were vocal about their latest conquests, in excruciating detail which usually made him leave the room feeling awkward, aroused and uncomfortable all in one.

But not before the thought of what it must be like had invaded his mind once more. With her. Whom he’d turned down, feeling like the world’s biggest idiot at the same time. He turned from shadowed eyes burning with humiliation and longing and literally ran away from her.

Duty had made for a cold bed partner that night. 

Feeling disgusted with himself for having such wayward thoughts – especially after everything that had happened – he instead focussed his mind on counting the stones in the wall, fervently hoping his shift was nearly done.

The mere hint that she was near had been all Cullen needed to shake off the sudden weakness at his knees and the wave of disorientation that had just hit him. More and more apprentices poured out of the room where she’d just taught a class. He gripped the hilt of his sword even harder with his hands, not letting his eyes stray.

_Andraste save me, let her just walk by and not notice me. I must do my duty!_

A hint of blue Enchanter’s robes caught the corner of his eye just as a door softly shut, the babble of apprentices as they made their way to the dining hall having long since faded.

_Please, stop. Talk to me._

The quiet glide of velvet over stone halted as Cullen felt Freya stop and look at him in surprise.

‘Cullen?’ The undisguised note of pleasure to see him was evident, that sweet, lilting voice making his heart flip several times.

She somehow schooled it to one of neutrality. ‘I – I didn’t realise you were on duty for this class.’

He had to look at her. To not do so – to ignore the hint of vulnerability he could hear wavering in her words. Gulping slightly as he slowly turned his head, it was all too easy for Cullen to ignore every good intention he’d had about staying away.

Deep red hair that she’d tried and failed to keep in a bun was tumbling down her back, with a smudge of ink on one cheek in no way marring the perfection of her fair skin. Freya’s emerald eyes were glowing with residual magic from the practice she’d just taken with the apprentices, a delicate rose colour stealing up her neck under his hesitant gaze.

‘I – I wasn’t but, erm – the Knight-Commander, needed someone at short notice and, well, here I am.’

It was a lie, and Freya knew it. Cullen had never been able to tell untruths in his life without flushing furiously, just like now. He’d swapped shifts just for the chance of seeing her, hoping he’d be able to somehow mend the damage he’d caused.

_Hoping I might get a second chance._

_What?! I can’t!_

They both stood quietly for a second, his skin burning like an inferno, hating himself for never being able to easily chat to girls like some of his friends could.

‘How do you feel – after your Harrowing?’ he blurted out, feeling more and more awkward at having asked such a stupid question.

_Maker’s Breath! I was there! Two days ago!_

Freya had been high on lyrium and her magic as she’d weaved her way out of the apprentice chambers to her own rooms, Cullen elected to escort her. Right when she’d made her proposition. The one he’d felt honour-bound to turn down.

‘I feel better, thank you.’ She cast her eyes down, her face now as red as his. ‘I – would you walk with me back to my room? ‘

She was the most appealing thing Cullen had ever seen, clutching her papers to her chest to hide her own embarrassment - mixed with something more that made his mouth dry. Her eyes were peeping up at him through thick brown lashes, the latent fire he’d heard whispered about smouldering with an appeal he couldn’t deny even if he’d wanted to.

Her presence soothed the dull ache in his chest and intensified his guilt all at the same time, leaving him feeling even more wretched than before.

‘Of – erm, of course,’ he agreed as he strapped his sword to his back, somehow finding the power to walk, convincing himself there was nothing wrong with just escorting her to the Enchanter’s quarters.

His boots sounded gratingly loud as the plate hit the stone flags, merely adding to how cumbersome and ungainly Cullen felt next to the lithe and graceful mage next to him. She was shorter than he was, but he knew her head would fit perfectly under his chin if he ever got the chance to hold her close.

‘….and Wynne suggested to Jowan that we – Cullen?’

Cursing himself for his lack of concentration, he realised Freya had been making a valiant effort to hold a normal conversation whilst he’d been thinking things he definitely couldn’t think of. Ever again.

‘Sorry, I was miles away. What was that you said?’

‘It’s Jowan. He’s acting strangely.’ Her brow furrowed in concern. ‘I mean, we aren’t close or anything but since I became an Enchanter he’s been acting so, well odd.’

‘I thought you were friends,’ Cullen said in confusion, wondering why Jowan was up for discussion.

‘On his part more so than mine. I felt sorry for him, so I helped him out on occasion. Now I can’t get rid of him.’ She sighed, adjusting the weight of the books Cullen realised she was struggling with.

‘Here, let me take those for – you.’ It was hard to finish a sentence when given such a radiant smile of gratitude.

‘Thank you. You are a gentleman, Cullen. Not like most.’

‘Um. I don’t mind. And, erm, thanks. My sister would tell me off if I did anything less.’ The reminder that he needed to write to Mia made the ache and self-reproach intensify a hundredfold. ‘What is wrong with Jowan anyway?’

‘He – he’s just nervous. I think a lot of people are. There’s something coming – something big. Can you sense it?’ That she’d wanted to say something else hadn’t escaped him, but he didn’t want to pry, not when this fragile peace was in place.

‘All the senior officers are whispering in corners. About the Blight I guess.’ The mention of the word made his heart heavy in his chest.

Even without the news he’d had, it had been that way for a few weeks now, hushed voices stilling when one of the more junior Templars appeared. ‘Change is happening though. I guess we all need to be prepared.’

Suddenly they were standing outside the door to her room, the short distance and their neutral conversation having eaten away the precious minutes in her company. Steeling himself, Cullen prepared to walk away.

Freya paused before she opened the door, staring at him in a mix of uncertainty, panic and hope. ‘Would you – would you – I wanted to – I wanted to talk to you. In private.’

Her rushed speech and her clear distress swayed him.

_I should tell her it’s ok. Explain why. I don’t want her to think I don’t – but I can’t…._

Looking quickly around before opening the door and ushering him in, she then shut it hastily and locked it with her personal seal, the light hum of her magic making the hairs on his neck rise.

‘Oh! You don’t mind do you? I mean I can –‘ Her look of horror that she had just locked him in made him want to reassure her even more.

‘No, not at all.’ Cullen hastened to reassure her, even as he wished he had something to do with his hands now he’d put her books on the desk.

‘I’m sorry about your parents.’

Gossip spread like wildfire in the Circle. Cullen couldn’t hide the burning pain he felt, which even her presence couldn’t quiet extinguish. He’d heard only a few days ago, the news of their passing and the frantic dash of his siblings away from the Blight that had overrun Honnleath cutting him to the core.

Hugs, warmth and laughter, apples, chocolate cake and the comfort and security of home that his mother’s kitchen had always reminded him of. He’d never forget their pride and tears when he’d ridden away with the Templars – the same every time on the infrequent visits they’d managed to make to see him in training. He’d hardly written as the years carried on, drawn more into his new life and leaving the old behind.

And now it was too late. His conscience smote him yet again, feeling like a failure of a son and a failure of a brother. He should have shown that he cared – should have protected them. But now, they were gone.

‘I – I – thank you. I haven’t seen them for a couple of years. I know Mia and the others are safe, at least.’

The Order didn’t tolerate weakness. He had to carry on regardless. People died all the time – grieving swas a luxury he couldn’t afford.

‘It doesn’t matter whether you saw them yesterday or a decade ago. Their passing must be very difficult for you,’ she said softly, easily seeing behind the defensive wall he’d put up around himself. ‘You can tell me, Cullen. Haven’t we been friends long enough now that you don’t have to pretend?’

Friends? She was so much more to him than that, but he’d never be able to tell her. And he didn’t want to talk about his family. Anything to distract her from that agonising subject.

‘Well, it doesn’t feel great. But what can I do? I have a duty to the Order. Life goes on. And you survived –‘.

Freya’s eyes widened in surprise, her face flaming red as she was reminded of her Harrowing – specifically what happened after.

‘I am sorry – I wanted to apologise for m-my behaviour. You must think me wanton –‘.

‘No! It’s alright, honestly. I am glad. Not like that! I mean, that you live – I feel better…’

‘No, I need to – I know what this looks like! Another mage pouncing on another Templar in unsuppressed lust. But it’s not, I mean, I do but, oh!– I don’t!’

They were both talking over each other before abruptly stopping, Cullen wondering if he could feel any more discomforted and stupid than he did at that moment.

Freya’s agonised expression made his heart hurt for her just as he reached out a hand, wanting to offer some comfort. He didn’t make it – fumbling to get the gauntlets off before she turned away to pace the room. Feeling completely dumb for having even tried, he waited for her to speak, unsure why he was even there.

‘No, I mean, I wanted to apologise. For the other day. And there was nowhere else private but here. But I – I look at you and it makes me want more. Even though we aren’t meant to. But you’re different. You care about us. About me. And after my Harrowing – I – it makes – and I…….Andraste preserve me, you must think I am a whore – a fool! You don’t even feel the same way!’

‘But I do.’

_Did I say that?_

Her eyes were huge as she whipped around to face him, her lip trembling as tears welled up unbidden in her eyes. His instinctive response had completely taken her aback.

‘What! You do?’

‘Of course. Why would I lie? There – you – you are not a w-whore, Freya. Please, don’t demean yourself so.‘ He gave up, feeling like the greatest idiot in Thedas.

Cullen hadn’t intended on confirming something that half the Circle had known anyway. But in the face of her frankness, he’d been left with no chance to do anything less but return the courtesy.

‘But, that night – you could have –‘. She flinched away for a moment at the look of anger in his eyes.

‘What do you take me for! Someone who would m-make love with a mage half-drunk on lyrium, convinced she was still in the Fade? You don’t have a good opinion of me if so!’ The very idea was repugnant to him, a lance of ice shooting through his chest that she’d consider him capable of something so despicable.

‘No! I – they all do it! All the Templars!’ she protested, even as she realised what she was implying. ‘Everyone knows it. And when – when they said it was you, I was so relieved. I thought – I thought that we – I wanted…..’

‘I am not everyone else!’ Cullen insisted, feeling sick to his stomach that she thought him capable of what amounted to rape in his eyes.  

It didn’t matter that most of his colleagues would have fallen into bed with her without a second thought. He didn’t want anything to do with such base behaviour.

A part of his heart was, however, exulting at the same time. He’d suspected it, but hadn’t ever dared hope. Now, she’d just confirmed it.

‘No,’ she whispered, coming to stand so close to him he could smell the light hint of her elderflower scent, making the war inside his soul intensify. ‘You are not. And therein lies the problem.’

‘Problem?’ He was breathing hard, her lovely face inches from his now as the pure yearning in her eyes intensified his own.

‘You are a Templar. I am a mage. This is not meant to be.’

The riot of red hair was being teased through his fingers, somehow. He hadn’t even remembered raising a hand. Cullen had often wondered what it would feel like and he wasn’t disappointed, silken and thick as it ran along his palm. As he let the strands fall he could see her shake, instinct taking over as he then cupped her face with both his hands. Incredulous at how soft her skin felt under his clumsy touch, he stroked the tears away from her cheeks with his thumbs, her face now inches from his.

‘It isn’t. So what do you want to do about it? This needs to be your decision, Freya, as much as mine.’

At that moment, heartsore from the loss of his childhood, devastated more than he could ever admit that his parents had gone forever, Cullen needed to forget. The simple warmth of human contact to comfort him, to take away the pain and make him feel he was something more than the Order dictated – he craved it, to be the man and not the Templar, just for one night.

Every single reason he’d ever given himself as to why it was a bad idea to get involved with a mage, all the vows he’d spent weeks learning and years assuring himself he’d keep – it all disappeared. Just one look at the tremulous smile she gave him wiped it all away, the dubious pleasure of a dutiful, empty life unable to compete with the promise of laughter and joy that stood before him right now, in one delectable package.

‘Our lives will be forever altered – and soon. I have no idea how.’ Her voice shook with the intensity of her emotions as green fire danced in her eyes, making fire blaze through him in response. ‘I don’t know how long this will last between you and I, or where it will take us. I am who I am. You are who you are. But I know I would regret it if I never tried.’

Cullen almost couldn’t breathe, Freya having just said the words he’d longed for and dreaded to hear all at the same time.

By rights he should walk away, wish her a good evening and head for another lonely, frustrated night in his bunk. She was a mage, everything he was supposed to repudiate and be afraid of, to stand guard over. He was a Templar, bound to protect her, keep her safe from herself – and him. Never to be corrupted.

By rights, he should never have stepped over the threshold of this room. He shouldn’t be standing here now, the heat from her body making him tremble as much as she was as his fingers continued with their gentle caresses over her face and neck.

‘You are a mage. And you are a person, like any other. I too, don’t know what will happen. But I too, would like to try.’

As he pressed his lips to hers, trembling as much as she was, he had never felt more certain about a decision. It was Freya, her magic as much a part of her as the rapidly beating heart he could feel pulsing in her neck. It never occurred to him to look at her as anything else but perfect. She was beautiful and shy and hesitant and eager, the innocence of their embrace mingled with the excitement of discovery.

They continued to explore each other at leisure, robes and amour being discarded with little care, their sole focus on one another. He was lost to the world around him as he embarked on his first ever journey into a world of sensuality and indescribable pleasure. Cullen had never realised skin could feel so soft, or that his shaking hands and dry lips could elicit such fevered responses from any woman, let alone one as desirable as Freya.

For those precious hours, everything in Cullen’s world was right, incredulous that she had chosen to give herself to him. His initial insecurities and humiliation, unable to control himself at first at her mere touch alone, faded when he realised her own delight as she aroused him again and again. He was mindless with need as she sobbed her own, his fingers lingering and toying, his tongue searching out and tasting every inch of her heated skin.

Freya’s fingers pressed into his face, drawing him to her lips for a deep frenzied kiss as they both joined with each other for the first time. His breath captured her moaning his name over and over as he moved slowly first, terrified of hurting her even as he thought his brain would fracture from the indescribable sensation of soft heat and friction, his body meeting hers in the age-old rhythm of desire.

The wrench Cullen felt had nothing to do with the thrill of her naked body writhing under his, the scream that tore from his lips nothing to do with the shout of her name as he reached a peak so dizzyingly intense he couldn’t even see straight.

But she was disappearing, the world going black around him right at his most vulnerable, naked and exposed, his soul bare. He shook uncontrollably, terror immediately replacing ecstasy as he shouted incoherently, his arms wrapped around his body even as he felt himself fall into a bottomless pit, endlessly falling with no chance of return.

A blue light, with that hint of green, had clouded his vision and blotted Freya’s lovely face from his mind, Cullen feeling a pull so forceful he felt his very soul being torn apart.

‘Maker save me from this madness! Again? I was there! Why was I there? Leaena, Maker save me, where are you!’  

Automatically, Cullen called for her in his fear, Leaena the only one who could bring peace to the torment in his soul. Yet again, he found himself lying winded on the ground, the blue-green bubble depositing him unceremoniously on the freezing ground.

The warmth of a long-ago lover’s unpractised touch vanished at just the memory of Leaena’s name alone. The reason for it happening, however, still eluded him.

‘Why would you send me there? Of all places?’ He couldn’t help but shout at the hopelessness of it all, struggling to understand the importance of just why he was reliving these specific choices in his life over again.

They were memories he’d thought long-buried and irrelevant now. Back then they’d been so young, lured by a forbidden temptation and their infatuation providing just the incentive they needed to break the rules.

Duty to the Order, duty to his family – he’d failed at both. The desire to be with Freya, the desire to ignore his obligations at home and to serve – no matter how altruistic the reasons – had led him to failing them too. On every level he’d betrayed them, and himself in the process.

He had been a boy, idealistic and naïve, for so long looking to someone else for a resolution to his guilt, something he’d tried to conceal for so long. That brief interlude in his life was a bare shadow compared to what he shared with Leaena and, come to think of it, what Freya shared with Alistair.

And they both knew it, friends still even after their short-lived affair and the devastating consequences of Kinloch Hold. She had forgiven him both of those, but Cullen wasn’t sure he’d forgiven himself. Even now, a man grown in experience as well as years, the conflict in his soul remained, of putting his own desires above the demands of duty.

The fog was still thick around him as Cullen climbed slowly to his feet and looked around again, absently smoothing his thumb over the silver coin as he looked at the paths to choose from. He knew now he was in the Fade. Nowhere else could show him his memories so vividly, make him revisit points in his past with such clarity.

Where though, remained a mystery. As did the why. There was something he was supposed to understand and reason through, but what that was he had no idea.

The whole concept was making his head hurt even more than it had done previously. He knew, at least, this place was all about choices and regret as he stumbled forwards once more on the main path. It gave him a starting point, but not much else.

‘Trickery and warped illusions - that's all this is. Why me?’ Cullen snapped irritably at the emptiness, trying to find a way through.

The maze of trails he could follow had reappeared, albeit in a completely different pattern. Struggling to concentrate, feeling woozy from being jerked around his brain so rapidly, he looked around for some sign of where to go next.

Nowhere looked obvious, the coin seemingly offering no opportunity to guide him forward. Cullen reminded himself to stay calm, finding it difficult even as panic started to rise once more, that he’d be trapped in his own mind forever unless he could find a way back.

_The Fade, I’m in the Fade…._

_She’s saved me somehow, she must know….of course!_

Cullen wanted to kick himself for his stupidity. They were connected and this whole construct he was in could well have been crafted by Leaena to keep him safe. He wasn’t supposed to be in the Fade unless he was dead, after all, and certainly not in this form. Sending his senses outwards to seek the signature of sapphires that was Leaena, he remembered how he’d done the same in the Shrine of Dumat.

His eyes were closed as he let his mind open, pushing aside the misery and despair the folly of his youth had bought him. Instead he saw Leaena’s glowing blue eyes, pink lips that curved in a happy smile every time she saw him as her whole face lit up, Cullen pushing the flyaway white-blonde hair out of her face and dropped a kiss on her nose. Wrapped up in visions of her, questions he’d never found a resolution to floated through his mind.

_Would I have ever met her otherwise? These choices….a different path…._

_Wait!_

Immediately he felt the threads connect with his mind, the musings he’d been indulging in disappearing as he felt her magic ecstatically settle inside his soul once more. It was faint, far away, but alive and vibrant, reminding him of a lighthouse glowing with hope in the storm of his emotions and fear. Somehow, in this cursed place, she’d managed to provide him with an anchor to reality and back to her side. If he’d tears left to cry he would have sunk to his knees and sobbed his relief and happiness to know that she lived still.

Leaena was alive, she was well, and she was waiting for him. There was no reason for him to delay. He had waited too long as it was already. In this place of echoes and lost opportunity, he refused to think of what might have been, only on what would be.

‘I will find you, Leaena. And we will be together forever. This time, I will make sure of it.’

It was good, to say it out loud. It gave him focus and certainty.

Determinedly, coin in hand once more, Cullen set forth into his maze, feeling the very rightness of his new course in every beat of his heart and every breath he took. The pull of her magic thinned the cloud before him, the mists clearing as he made his way through the past. His future and all that it promised, now beckoned him forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This would not have happened without the most awesome support of [Halfblood-Fiend](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Halfblood_Fiend/pseuds/Halfblood_Fiend) thank you for pulling it together and being an all round lifesaver!


	97. Lights in the Shadow

The world was shifting as he walked through it, tinged with green as it always was in this realm. Solas wasn’t surprised to have memory upon memory reflected in the landscape as he walked, there having been too much history in such a place for dreams to be restful. He was deep in thought as he made his way to a location time had nearly forgotten, for once being left alone by the Fade dwellers, sensitive to his mood and aura as he continued his urgent mission without disruption.

Speed was of the essence now, neither Lea nor Cullen able to withstand much longer in the shadowlands of the Fade. How it had even come to this point, Solas had no idea. Not once, but twice he’d been forced into a position he hadn’t imagined possible, until he’d seen with horror what had been done at the Temple of Sacred Ashes.

Now, everything had been thrown into peril, and he wasn’t sure quite how he’d arrived at such an impasse with himself.

‘Tel'abelas,’ he murmured, refusing to let self-doubt plague him again. ‘It is not the same mistake. This was necessary, as it was back at the Shrine. If she dies, then it is for nothing.’

Though it irked him greatly to admit it, Varric had been correct. He could have saved Lea and let Cullen die. What would have been left however, was something so broken it would have been unworkable. Whether Lea would even have survived Cullen’s death was also debatable, no matter how much healing Solas poured into her. Once the soul was gone, there was nothing left. With Cullen gone, Lea would have found a way to go as well.

Even as he reflected on the conundrum he faced, the landscape changed, to one he knew all too well. A garden, a place for quiet contemplation and meditation. There was a stone dais, set apart from everywhere else, a chessboard laid out and ready. The rare grin that was on Cullen’s face as Solas accepted his challenge for the first time took him aback slightly. Except he’d always known that Cullen was far more intelligent than he let people perceive.

_Such a talent, Fereldens have, pretending to be far stupider than they actually are._

The scene shifted again, to Dorian’s library, with the other mage stabbing his finger repeatedly at a line in some ancient Tevinter scroll, all while gesticulating with his other hand to elaborate a point on a theoretical application of magic. At that point, Lea walked in to join them, took one look at the text, and promptly wove a combination of elemental and restorative magic to prove her point in counterbalance to both of their arguments. Just as she was in life, she had little patience with deep debates on magical theory unless there was a practical application to it.

Solas remembered that discussion well. For ten months they had been debating the point, and there was still no resolution in sight. Part of the reason was because all three of them were enjoying themselves too much to want it to end.

‘Ma falon.’ The words surprised him even as he said them. ‘Lea is my friend. They are my friends.’

That he might have saved both Lea and Cullen’s lives for a more altruistic reason was not something he could contemplate.

He focussed again on his task. He was here to find her, in a place where dreams and reality met, shaped by the eye of the beholder. It was his second home, a place he preferred above all others whilst waiting for time to pass. She needed to rejoin her body, and guide Cullen back to his. It was as simple as that.  

Still the indecision raged through him. He had not come here to make friends. He had one task only. And that did not include suddenly finding himself with the very people who believed in everything he didn’t. That he’d actually found himself enjoying the better part of a year with this motley collection of brilliant yet random people from across Thedas was something he tried very hard to ignore.

Besides, he was nearly there now, the memories shifting yet again to somewhere he didn’t recognise, Lea’s magic pulling him ever closer. That it was Kirkwall was apparent, the statues of the Gallows looming over them and making even him feel uneasy at all they represented. Cullen had spent over a decade in that accursed city so it was hardly surprising that the majority of his adult memories would be centred there.

As far as Solas was concerned, blowing up the Chantry was an improvement on what had gone before. Anders should have been awarded a medal, not condemned to death by one of his own. His wasn’t the most popular of opinions, yet he knew that Lea, of all people, held some sympathy too with what had happened. Even if they didn’t agree on the aftermath, two mages from such opposing backgrounds had found common cause.

It gave him pause for thought. His friend made him question all that he held dear, challenging his most fundamental beliefs on a daily basis.

_None more so than the abiding love she has for someone who, by rights, she should despise._

Just as that thought occurred to him, he saw the person in question sitting forlornly in the very midst of the swirl of images that were constantly changing. The chill of the air bit deep, even in this dreamstate. Lea was a black shadow huddled up in her cloak, her breath making small clouds in front of her face as she concentrated on the weave of magic pouring forth from her hands to the shimmering blue-green wall in front of her. Her hair was, as usual, falling out of its braid as she bit her lip, a frown and exhaustion combined showing him just how much energy she was expending to keep Cullen safe.

Yet again, that she would die for one that once would have seen her dead at the mere hint of dissent left Solas feeling somewhat humbled. Lea had a depth of compassion that she rarely got to exercise as Inquisitor, something that left her as conflicted as everyone else. 

_Tel garas solasan!_

‘There are no spirits here now, da’len,’ he said softly as he approached her. ‘You can let your guard down now. You have done enough.’

‘Falon? You came?’ She looked up at him incredulously, the strain and terror of nearly losing Cullen showing clearly on her pale, tear-stained face. ‘He is alive?’

‘You know he is. That’s what you’ve been maintaining all this time, after all. Can you not feel his life force strengthen minute by minute? You are both back at Skyhold. All that is required now is for the two of you to return.’ Solas came to sit next to her, sensing Lea was not about to go anywhere until she felt reassured Cullen would somehow live.

He could provide no guarantees on that part, but he could at least try and comfort her about the here and now.

‘I can – I just didn’t dare hope. There’s only so much strength I can provide and even then, I don’t really understand what’s happened. I can only shield him from demons and provide him the means to escape. He still has to find that route through – whatever it is.’  She still poured magic into the curved shimmering wall that appeared to stretch for miles, and yet go nowhere at the same time.

‘Tie off the connection to the barrier, Lea. Preserve your energy. What Cullen is seeking is within his spirit, and that is something no amount of magic can help him with.’ He nodded his approval at what she’d managed to create. ‘You probably have the most delicate hand out of all of us. Dorian would like to think he creates masterpieces, but your magic is a true work of art.’

‘Dorian likes the grand gesture, which certainly has its place. You and I prefer its more subtle beauty.’ Lea gave a wan smile at his words, yet she still refused to relinquish her magic. ‘What happens if I stop? I don’t want to risk it – risk this coming down. Cullen will be devoured in seconds!’

Fear was a constant companion of Lea’s, but never more so than right now. It was the first time Cullen’s life had hung in the balance to such an acute degree, and the only way she had of coping with the unthinkable was to give as much of herself as she could.

‘Would I lie to you, da’len? After all that I have done to save his body and yours? Believe in the work you have done, and mine. Together we saved him. Now he has to save himself.’

At his stern yet gentle words, Lea’s face fell, acknowledging the truth but still reluctant to let go. This was, in her mind, the one productive thing she had been able to do for him and that was now being taken away from her. Her hands rose with reluctance, the dual beams of blue and green light vanishing as she sealed off the barrier that kept Cullen’s spirit safe from the predators in the Fade. There was none of her usual unconscious waves or gestures, her hands slumping in her lap as her head drooped in defeat.

‘Well, it holds at least,’ she said bitterly, her eyes hard as she looked for any flaw in the pattern she’d created. ‘Now all I can do is wait. How long does he have?’

She didn’t need telling that there was only a finite period Cullen could remain suspended between two worlds. He would have to pick one soon, either on his own if he succeeded in escaping or slipping to the afterlife whether either of them wanted it or not. As yet, she hadn’t asked the questions that Solas would have to somehow avoid, too focussed instead on Cullen’s immediate survival.

‘It’s impossible to say. A few days, a week, maybe a bit longer.’ It wasn’t in his nature to sugarcoat words and Lea was the last to expect anything but honesty.

‘And physically?’ She was still staring at the magic she’d created, standing up and walking over to inspect her handiwork as he also rose to join her.

_Tread carefully._

‘Cullen’s body is in a state where he can return. There is still plenty of healing that needs to take place, but the lyrium within him has halted the worst of the red lyrium’s advance. All his major organs are functioning as normal of their own accord, as is his brain. It is progress. But he will be in recovery for some weeks.’

Solas hesitated a moment as he looked at his friend. Lea had been through so much suffering already in such a short time and he was loath to put her through more. This, at least, he would not hide from her.

‘Cullen is infected with red lyrium too?’ Her look of anguish was enough to make even the hardened of hearts unbend. ‘So what does that mean? And the lyrium – did he take more? One evil to fight off another? Oh Maker, what did I do!’

‘Lea, we don’t know whether Cullen took lyrium or not. One thing at a time. For now, the lyrium that is there is preventing it spreading further, remarkably enough. His body resists it better than yours. The next step is for him to find his way out of the Fade.’

Given the acrimonious way she and Cullen had parted, and with everything that then happened afterwards, Solas wasn’t surprised to see Lea crippled with guilt. Now, however, was not the time for her mind to be dominated by remorse. 

‘You are both going to require recovery time. Dorian is watching whilst I am here – you were not nearly as badly injured as Cullen was, although your old wounds are taking more effort to bond together. But the red lyrium in both of you – it is there. When you return, be wary.’

‘Will he be safe here? You promise? I can feel him still, searching, looking, but he’s confused and scared – ‘. Lea’s voice broke as she closed her eyes, trying to regain control of herself. ‘I don’t want to leave him alone. Here. You and I, we understand the Fade, but this is a hostile universe to him. He doesn’t know what he’s meant to do and I don’t know how I can help him!’  

He could see the tumult of questions Lea had, her mind in chaos as she rubbed a hand wearily over her face, smudging the trails of dampness away. He had the answers, but he wasn’t sure she’d ever want to hear them. Their roles were reversed, Cullen in need of help and Lea the rescuer. She had already done more than she realised, but it was a cold and brutal reality for her to accept, to not have the strength of her Commander which she’d come to rely on so much.

Walking over and putting a hand on her shaking shoulder, he sought for the words that would both reassure her, and persuade her to leave.

‘I promise he is as safe as he can be. You have already given him the means to return, through your Mark, woven its magic into that wall. Cullen will always find you through your connection – which you made even stronger by preventing him from crossing to the afterlife. These are all things you know, Lea. As for what he is facing?’

Solas stopped, looking around him. Kirkwall remained firmly in place, the only change being the locations in the city.

‘A fundamental element of his spirit is trapped in this place, repeating the same theme over and over. He is reliving the past to find a way towards his future. Only Cullen has the solution, and once he does he will return to you. You have done all you can, Inquisitor. It is time to go home, where you can help him more effectively than you can in the Fade.’

She nodded, wiping one hand across her face as she forced her worry to one side, looking at him shrewdly. It had been too much to hope for, that he’d avoid her scrutiny. Not much escaped Lea’s notice, particularly when it was magic she was unfamiliar with.

‘Ma serannas, Solas. We will have a conversation about what you have done here for us both. There is much I need to understand – how it was possible, for one. But for now?’ As surely as if it was his own, Solas felt the pure pain spike through her heart as she cast her eyes back one last time to where Cullen’s spirit still lingered. ‘Var lath vir suledin. I have to have faith.’

‘Have you ever known the Commander to not find a way? Even when all else seemed lost? Time and time again he has triumphed, whether it was defeating a demon horde at Adamant or retrieving you from Samson’s clutches.’ His urging had her looking around the city they were standing in again, her eyes haunted as she considered what Cullen might be experiencing. ‘He is hardly without resources or brainpower. And besides, he still owes me a re-match.’

‘You still are at a stalemate with each other aren’t you? How galling that is for you both too. Cullen will return to finish that game if nothing else.’ That made a slight smile cross her lips once more as Lea’s brilliant blue eyes lightened momentarily. ‘And you are right.  He is the most intelligent man I know. Present company excepted of course.’

‘It would be nice to have a resolution to the game. It has been quite some time since a chess match took me so long to complete.’ If only she knew – would she still be so prepared to have him as a close confidante? Somehow he doubted it. ‘Are you ready to return? I will help you. There is no need for a vat of lyrium to leave you comatose for another day afterwards, fortunately.’

Lea said nothing for a moment, her eyes closed and her fists clenched as she struggled again for her composure. Silently, she sank to her knees, facing the barrier, her hands clasped and pressed to her forehead as she whispered a prayer to her Maker.

He maintained a neutral expression on his face as he watched a woman who had, in spite of everything, disproved every preconception he’d ever held about humans, and mages in particular.

To say that Solas was troubled was an understatement. It had all seemed so clear to him, at the beginning, to reclaim the Orb and undo all the damage that had been wrought. One plan, one goal. Then this stranger appearing with the green flame which even now danced beneath her skin, had disarmed him from the start when he observed her, somehow absorbing and enduring a magic which by rights should have killed her.

Her humour in the face of certain disaster, not to mention her attempts to understand Elven, unheard of in her race, had left him momentarily stunned. Lea’s open-mindedness and disparagement of the pretentious, always keen to learn and explore new ideas and absorb different learnings – it was beyond his experience. She led by example, always seeking opinions and willing to hear from others before making a decision, him included. An elf.

And the abiding love between her and Cullen – that had taken him aback more than anything else. On paper, it should not have worked. Lea was pro-rebellion and mage rights, well aware of Cullen’s past in Kirkwall and the abuses that took place there. Whilst Cullen had known who she was and everything she represented, convinced that mages – including her – would end up possessed left right and centre without a Templar present.

No matter that their Harrowing ritual was supposed to prevent that from happening in the first place. It was hard for Solas to prevent a derisive snort at that particular thought. 

_And the connection that should never have been. Made possible only by the Mark._

Yet even without it, he was certain that the conflicted ex-Templar and troubled Circle Mage would still have fallen in love. And throughout the course of their relationship they had changed, grown as individuals and supported each other during the process. That too gave him cause for pause. Two different worlds could meet, and co-exist with respect and even affection. They, and the Inquisition, were showing this with every deed. Elves, dwarves, humans, Qunari, Tevinters, Orlesians, Fereldens and others. Races who had so much hate, it was impossible to think of peace. Yet there they were. Finding a way to make things work.

It was not what Solas had envisaged. At all.

Before he could ponder that startling realisation further, Lea rose to her feet, looking no less troubled but at least a bit calmer.

‘There is nothing more to be done here, asides from pray. And I just did that. No more delaying.’ There was nothing but raw emotion in her eyes as she looked up at him, making Solas wince. ‘Ma vhenan – he is there. If he dies, I die. So nothing had better happen to him that I can’t fix myself.’

‘I understand, da’len. And I assure you, that there is nothing else to be done but for Cullen to find his way out. The path is there – he just needs to follow it.’

Solas was certain the Commander had all the incentive he needed. Whether he could find it in himself to accept his past was another matter entirely. 

‘Very well,’ Lea said quietly, looking one last time at the magical wall. ‘Dareth shiral, emma lath. I will see you back in Skyhold. And if you need me, I will return immediately.’

She gave a nod to Solas as she took one of his hands, unable to stop herself from shaking with exhaustion. ‘I am ready.’

‘Time for you to wake up, Inquisitor. Now.’

With his final words, the world went black around them both as they shifted out of the Fade and back to reality, leaving the ghostly shadows of Kirkwall behind.

\-------

‘Knight-Captain! What – are you alright?’

A vile taste was in his mouth and he felt like he was about to fall face-forwards as Cullen’s legs inexplicably decided not to work for a few seconds. Narrowly avoiding the Templar he’d been following, he barely maintained his balance as the patrol stared at him in astonishment.

 ‘I – yes, thank you. I am fine.’ He felt anything but, yet given recent events he had to keep up some semblance of normality.

Stumbling around like a regular from the Hanged Man wasn’t helping. Rubbing a gauntleted hand over his face, the rough plate scratching at his skin was about as good as a distraction from his spinning head as he would get.

‘Let’s move on into the Alienage. We need to bring the child in and I do not want a repeat of last time.’

Another near-riot was not what he wanted to deal with. Briskly walking forwards, Cullen led the small troop into the rank underbelly where Kirkwall’s elves had the misfortune to live. He was determined to complete this task as quickly and with as little fanfare as possible.

At the sight of the Templars marching in, the normally-bustling centre square suddenly emptied of life, only one or two merchants left staring at them in defiance as they made their way to one of the hovels, intent on retrieving the latest recruit for the Circle.

_It would be nice, to not be reviled. To not be so despised._

Inwardly, Cullen gave a resigned sigh. He thought he’d become immune to the hatred and the mistrust by now. The burning obsession he had to ensure that the dangers of magic were curtailed wherever possible always took precedence.

These days, though, it bothered him. He couldn’t put a finger on when, or why. But to be so detested, when he was trying to save people from themselves and others, was making him question why there was so much antagonism towards Kirkwall’s Templars. Which he, of course, represented at one of the highest levels.

What had once seemed so righteous and Maker-sent had recently become burdensome, a self-perpetuating game of hide and seek they played with those desperate to avoid their fate. More and more, he’d wondered why people were so frantic to run. As he considered the latest list of Tranquil Meredith had ordered him to oversee, not to mention mages pulling him aside for hushed conversations, he was beginning to realise that it wasn’t just their fear of being locked away.

The Order, which used to stand for protection and guidance, has disintegrated into revenge and self-interest.

_Is this what I signed up for? Dedicated my life to? Forcing people to live in fear and terror?_

Cullen shook his head, angrily pushing the wayward thoughts to one side. He could ruminate over every failed life choice he’d made over the years later. They had reached the small house where the Elven child and her mother lived and one of his squad had taken it upon themselves to gain entry.

Knocking loudly, of course, had no effect.

‘Mistress Feylan! You must open the door!’

Lost in thought, Cullen didn’t realise his men had already broken the flimsy wooden door down, storming into the tiny space with all the intimidation and bluster they could bring to bear. Belatedly realising that they’d face another round of unrest as a result of such aggressive action if he didn’t act quickly, he followed them in, ducking his head under the narrow beam and immediately feeling claustrophobic in the tiny space.

_Six of us._

_And two of them – a woman and a child who is still more of a babe in arms. Why was this even necessary?_

He’d wanted just one more Templar to join him, but Meredith had overruled him, insisting on the show of strength that the Templars had to give wherever they went. Yet watching the cowering woman in her threadbare gown, crying and clinging hold of her equally terrified daughter who was no more than five or six, Cullen again found himself getting angrier at the orders he was having to carry out, more and more against his better judgement.

‘P-please, ser – not my baby, she’s so small! She’s so young – she doesn’t know, doesn’t understand!’

‘Enough, knife-ear! If you don’t let go of the girl, it will be easy enough for me to take her –‘.

‘That’s enough, Ser Ryan!’ Cullen barked, staring with active dislike at the Templar who seemed to delight in his role as tormentor. ‘All of you – get out! I will deal with this. Wait outside and make sure no one else tries to enter.’

‘As for you,’ one fist smashed hard into Ser Ryan’s breastplate, making the man sway slightly. ‘If I hear anything more, it won’t just be a week of night shift you’ll be facing. I’ll deal with you later.’  

He didn’t care about the dagger looks they all gave him as they reluctantly filed out. Instead, he walked forward to the trembling elf, terror the only thing in her brown eyes as she frantically searched for another way to save her daughter.

‘Ser, don’t take her, I love her, she’s a delicate child – she won’t survive in your Circle – I’ll do anything, just name it! If you want favours I will give them to you – you do that sometimes don’t you – I know how to please a man, you won’t be sorry –‘. If she’d looked scared before, it was nothing compared to what she looked like now as the impact of her last words sunk in.

‘Mistress Feylan, I have no idea what you are trying to achieve by offering your s-services but I can assure you that the Templar Order does not stoop to such bribery!’

_Why does she look so sceptical?_

_Maker’s Breath, what have we become!_

The look of cynicism on the woman’s face was unmistakable even as Cullen vehemently protested at the idea of such base corruption in the Order’s ranks. Feeble protests even to his own ears. It was seemingly easy these days for a Templar to abuse their rank and power.

‘Forgive me,’ she stammered, still refusing to relinquish her grip on her daughter. ‘But even if I allowed it, ser, she would not join you. My Alya would run away and then where would I be?’

‘We will keep your daughter safe. She will train with the very best of Kirkwall’s mages. She will be well fed, well taken care of, a life away from the Alienage. She can achieve so much more.’ His calculated, well-rehearsed argument over her daughter’s wellbeing made the elf sag in defeat.

She knew the truth of his words – her child would be fed and guarded, at least from the hardships of the Alienage. The Circle was a safe haven, somewhere her baby would be warm and off the rough streets of Kirkwall.

_Truth? Really? Or is she swapping one set of dangers for another?_

‘Very well. But you have to persuade her, Knight-Captain. I will not force her to join you. If she leaves with you it will be willingly, or you will have another forced capture on your conscience.’

The searing brown eyes seemed to read him so well, Cullen frowning to hide his sudden agitation. It was as if the elf had sensed his innermost doubts, challenging him to show her how wrong she was.

Still, he had a job to do and he was determined to see it through. As he looked at the child, he couldn’t help but be reminded of Rosalie at that age. Both petite, both with huge eyes – except one set would look at him adoringly whilst this set were filled with fear and mistrust.

For some inexplicable reason, that hurt him more than he liked to admit.

‘Alya, da’len.’ Cullen crouched down on the floor, remembering how his baby sister used to love it when he was at her height, hoping that might make a difference now. ‘You have something in you, something that could be dangerous. We want to help you manage it, so you will grow and be big and strong.’

Tears welled up again in the child’s eyes, his words far from reassuring her, making it even worse.

‘It’s a gift,’ she whispered tremulously. ‘Mama said so. I am not dangerous! I am blessed!’

_A gift? If I had a gold for every time I heard that lie….._

‘There are other girls and boys your age you’ll be able to play with. You’ll be able to sleep in a warm bed and have food every night. And you’ll be able to send something to your mama to help her too, if you want, when you’re old enough. Wouldn’t you like to do that?’

Even as he uttered the routine speech he always said to persuade the poor to part with their offspring, the words turned to ashes in his mouth. The little girl’s look of hope as she shot a look to her mother, the belief that she could one day not be a burden, was all it took to make him realise just how very wrong things had become.

‘Alright, ser knight. May I – may I say goodbye?’

‘You will have visitation days, Mistress Feylen – she can write to you…’ he tailed off helplessly realising that the woman couldn’t read as she shot him a look of despair and heartbreak.

‘You win, Templar, with your seductive promises that I can’t hope to match. I cannot feed my child every day, nor clothe her to protect her from the treacherous weather. If I hear she is being harmed in any way in that evil place, I will hold you responsible, and I will find you,’ she spat out, sorrow and devastation making her forget who she was talking to. ‘You can give me five minutes with her can’t you? Where are we going to go, after all?’

Normally he would have denied the request. The child had showed signs of magic use and had to be bought to the Circle for her own safety, as well as others.

But today, everything that he’d ever stood for, everything he’d ever worked for, seemed to be pointless. Filled with a confusion he couldn’t make sense of, Cullen waved a hand to agree to the request, heading outside to wait with the rest of his men.

‘Well? Where’s the child?’ Ser Ryan asked him brusquely as he made it outside. ‘This stinking place is barely fit for a nug let alone us. What’s the delay?’

Cullen fixed the man with an icy stare, not bothering to say anything as he let his disapproval show. Reluctantly, Meredith’s latest paramour backed down, muttering to himself in frustration as he turned to walk around the still-deserted square. The rest of the men knew to keep quiet, standing awkwardly around the door as they waited for the latest recruit to Kirkwall’s Circle to present herself.

It gave him plenty of time to reflect on just what had happened. It was like a malaise that had crept up on him suddenly all these weeks and months. The lists of mage infringements seemingly longer by the week, the punishments even harsher than before.

At first, he’d not noticed – he thought it was Meredith being her usual efficient, if somewhat harsh, self, doing her best to keep the city safe. Then, as he presided over another mage being made Tranquil, another good Templar being expelled from the Order for being too sympathetic, Cullen was left with nothing but questions.

Questions he’d been all too eager to ignore for too long. As the frenetic need he always had to watch for possessions eased slightly over the years, so too did his belief that magic was, as Meredith described it, a disease. It wasn’t something he could quite acknowledge to himself, but it was there. Right up there with the guilt that, perhaps he sound have done more, sooner, to protect innocent people rather than blindly follow orders, convinced he’d always been right.

His nights had been even more restless than normal, the nightmares neverending. And he had no idea what to do about it.

If Cullen had thought his day couldn’t get any worse, consumed by doubt and anxiety, he was wrong.

‘Knight-Captain Cullen. Slumming it in the alienage. Is it too much to hope that for once, you’re thinking beyond the realms of that tedious thing you call duty? I wonder if you’re even capable of such a thing. How nice it would be if you proved me wrong.’

The husky, sarcastic voice grated over his nerves, Cullen grinding his teeth at the sudden appearance of the one woman who, especially right now, he’d rather forget ever existed.

‘Hawke. Champion of Kirkwall. Whatever name you choose to go by these days. What do you want?’

Nathalie Hawke was all long, flowing black hair, pale skin and glowing violet eyes as she sauntered provocatively towards him. That knowing smirk she habitually wore on her full red lips whenever she saw him was fully in evidence, this time with the unconscious hint of awareness that made him burn with shame.

His men turned to watch her progress, masculine appreciation on each one of their faces as they admired the figure encased in red leather and silver chainmail – something Nathalie used to her fullest advantage to get just what she wanted. As he knew to his cost.

‘My my, what a surly greeting. And here was me thinking we’d become such good friends.’ She flickered a dismissive glance at the other Templars now surrounding them, clearly having sought him out for another reason aside from swapping insincere pleasantries. ‘Call off your rabid guard dogs, Knight-Captain. You and I have business to discuss that doesn’t require their presence.’

With a curt nod, he followed her to a quieter part of the square, arms folded as he waited for her to speak. He didn’t trust himself to say anything at all let alone know where to look, the guilt that had hung over him today now threatening to drown him completely.

‘You cannot take that chid to the Circle. She needs to escape,’ Nathalie stated bluntly, taking him by surprise. ‘I have heard about Meredith’s latest orders and it simply isn’t safe for mages in this city any more. And you bloody well know it!’

‘Have I not done all I can, to prevent this from happening?’ he snarled in irritation even as he knew deep down she was right. ‘It is not for you, Nathalie, to come here and demand I do your bidding, Champion or no!’

‘Don’t be so blind, Cullen! Can’t you feel something big is happening? And it’s not good!’ She stared at him in frustration, willing him to listen. ‘I don’t know what it is, but we need to prepare ourselves. The rhythm of the city – it’s not right. There’s an undercurrent of madness – and it is starting in the Gallows! Smack bang right in the middle of everything you are responsible for!’

Her tone became, astoundingly, pleading as the last vestiges of his stubborn refusal to admit anything was wrong faded away. ‘Don’t dig your heels in over this. I beg of you, do not take that child to the Circle, not unless you want another death on your conscience. Consider it a friendly warning. I guess I owe you, after the other night –‘.

Nathalie then flushed bright red, a never before seen sight. Cullen would have been the first to delight in seeing her so discomposed, if it hadn’t been for the fact that he was currently praying for the ground to swallow him whole at the mention of that particular evening. It was branded on his brain, no matter how desperately he wanted to forget.

‘I must do my duty. The child comes with me.’ He had no other choice, conveniently ignoring her last words. ‘You have no proof and nor do I! What would you have me do? She is my Knight-Commander!’

‘So fucking what! How many more mages and Templars will it take before you’re convinced! People are dying now, and it is going to get a whole lot worse!’ Her eyes were wide with a mix of revulsion and horror. ‘For once in my life, I am deadly serious! You must act before this gets out of control. Meredith and Orsino risk ripping this city apart!’

‘What’s new? They have been at each other’s throats for decades! If anything, the citizens are just as frightened of a group of apostates running around Kirkwall with little check on their actions, much more so than the Templars sworn to protect them!’

That jibe had hurt her, Cullen immediately regretting the words as he spoke them. The mere fact that a mage of Nathalie’s talent and skill seemed able to function without the Templars had caused him more soul-searching than he cared to admit.

‘Nathalie, I –‘.

‘When you remove your head from your pompous arse, Cullen, then perhaps we can have a rational conversation about how to save Kirkwall from itself.’ Purple eyes blazed with her magic now, Nathalie stung by his unnecessarily cruel comment as she raked him with her scathing gaze. ‘In the meantime, open your eyes and try and move the most vulnerable out of harm’s way. If you can possibly think of anyone but yourself, that is!’

‘Move people where?’ It was his turn to feel stung as he scowled back at her, struggling to understand what she meant by her last comment. ‘I’m flattered you think I can work miracles. What would you have me do? Turn everyone free and then have mages living at the mercy of the Carta or begging in Lowtown? They don’t know how to survive on their own! They need us, whether you like to acknowledge it or not!’

‘All because you make them powerless!’ They always seemed to end up debating the same points every time they spoke, yet this time there was hurt behind her harsh words – hurt he’d put there. ‘Oh what’s the bloody point? I thought you were different. I thought, even in spite of everything you’ve done, there was a shred of decency in you. That you cared. Particularly after what happened!’

Her furious hiss was like a slap in the face as Cullen visibly recoiled from her words. He was only vaguely aware of the other Templars watching their hushed but heated exchange and past caring, Nathalie having hit a nerve he was unable to ignore.

‘Of course I care! Why do you think I joined the Order in the first place? To help people and protect them!’

‘Bullshit!’ she snapped, not letting him continue as her temper finally took over. ‘You may have done once, but that is so far from what you are now. You’re scared, hiding behind the Templars in your misguided belief that mages need controlling, acting purely in your own self-interest. Even worse, you freely let Meredith manipulate you into thinking you’re doing the Maker’s will, when all you’re doing is furthering her own crazy agenda! Knight-Captain are you? The second most powerful Templar in this city? What a fucking joke! You can barely lead a prayer group!’

Cullen gaped at her in shock, unable to say anything as Nathalie’s angry words shook him to his very core. It wasn’t her look of disgust that had him wanting to run and hide from the agonising pain shooting through his brain, but her disappointment. Somehow, she’d expected more of him and he’d been found severely wanting.

There was no chance for him to respond, hearing the light patter of feet as the elven girl Alya ran over to him.

‘Ser – my mama said I have to come with you. But you said it would be alright.’ Solemn brown eyes gazed at him out from a tear ravaged face which made his already agonised heart rip further apart. ‘I can go now. To the better place. I can help her.’

Nathalie only just managed to swallow down her gasp of outrage, laced with a hint of genuine fear that made Cullen feel even more hopeless. Numbly, he said nothing, merely nodding and gesturing for the girl to walk in front of him towards the others.  

‘Don’t Cullen, please. I’m sorry.’ Nathalie had dropped the sarcasm and her rage, the shield she wore on a near permanent basis gone. ‘People are going to die. This is going to get much worse before it gets better! Anders, he’s – it doesn’t matter, that’s for me to deal with. You must do something this time – you are the only one who can!’

He was torn between his own deep-rooted anxieties and the rapidly dawning realisation that something was seriously wrong. Repercussions on the Templars were a real threat, one that he’d been ignoring for far too long. Yet the indoctrination ran too deep, Cullen unwilling even still in the face of what he knew now to be true to go against all that he had sworn to serve.

‘I cannot. I am sorry. I need more evidence before I can act. Your word, good though I know it to be, simply isn’t enough.’

A deep resonance rippled through him at those words, the discord so strong his whole world went black for a second. Struggling for air, his eyes opened once more as he wildly looked around the Alienage. Nothing had changed, yet still the sense that he not where he was meant to be refused to leave him. 

Even as he turned from Nathalie’s furious face, taking the small girl’s hand to lead her back to the Circle where she would, at least, be safe and he could keep an eye on her, his world lurched. It was like being seasick again, Cullen finding himself battling a sudden wave of nausea and dizziness, even as he somehow kept moving forward.

‘I like you, ser knight,’ Alya said shyly as she took his hand. ‘You are nice.’

‘I will keep you safe, I promise,’ he assured the little girl as they made their way from the alienage.

He could feel Nathalie’s gaze boring into the back of his head all while he desperately wanted to show this little girl, so like his Rosiebaby had been, that he could be trusted. That he was doing his best, that he could protect her. That he wasn’t like all the rest.

_Like Meredith._

_Who am I kidding? I’m complicit. That’s just as bad!_

The feeling of impending doom and another wave of claustrophobia swallowed him whole even as he lost his balance once more. It didn’t matter because he was and wasn’t there, Cullen feeling his stomach getting left behind as he fell sightlessly into a void, twisting with every colour of the rainbow.

A loud screaming in his ears had nothing to do with hurtling through the Fade. It had begun when Nathalie had hammered home truths he’d not wanted to hear, and multiplied in intensity as the memory of that fateful night came back to haunt him yet again.

There was no time to process what he’d relived, the visions coming thick and fast to him of unprecedented violence. Cullen had barely registered the fact that he’d been deposited by the blue bubble once more in an ignominious heap on the same cold stones, back to his present day self. Incoherent words were falling from his lips as images flashed before his eyes – ones he’d tried so hard to submerge over the years.

‘Maker, I tried to save them! What else could I have done!’

He was too busy frantically scrabbling at his face and eyes, the last physical act left to him to banish the traumatic memories he’d never spoken of, not even to Leaena. Even when she’d practically killed herself trying to understand, just to help him recover. He’d told her nothing but the bare facts.

_You never told her the truth of it all._

How Anders finally took matters into his own hands, taking the city with him. The Champion of Kirkwall, intuitive as ever as she sensed the lies underneath Orsino’s words, choosing the lesser of two evils between blood magic and the last vestiges of order that Cullen alone represented – or so she told him afterwards. How the regret he carried still for his part in the whole wretched affair ate him alive to this day.

_And because she loves you, and because of her own guilt in taking you back to Kirkwall, she never pushed you to talk. Even now._

Cullen never told her, not even in Ostwick, how Nathalie had the impossible task of choosing between her fellow mages and a love she’d denied for years. He’d never told her of the bodies piled high in the streets like rubbish, mutilated beyond recognition by Anders’ magical blast. He’d never told her of the corpses scattered like confetti around the Gallows, demons and blood mages indulging in a gory feeding frenzy had taken him straight back to Kinloch Hold.

Blood had been dripping down the walls, the marble stones slippery with the slickness and the air reeking of death as they ran through room after room, frantically searching for survivors.

_Searching for her. I made a promise. Rosalie would have wanted me to save her._

He’d never told her how his world as he knew it ended, finding the broken body of Alya, the little girl barely alive as a blood mage tortured her for the innocence of her soul. The plaintive, weak wails of terror never left him even as he unthinkingly threw the mage across the hall before taking off her head with one stroke. He hadn’t been aware that the hot red liquid dripping down his face and stinging his eyes was someone else’s from the ferocity of his attack. He’d bent down, cradling the girl in his arms before running with her down the corridor to take her away from the madness.

Big brown eyes clouded with pain had stared up him without reproach, grateful that he’d arrived, Ayla unable to speak any longer even as Nathalie arrived to help. She’d taken one horrified look at the child, tears welling up in her eyes as she gave the girl a burst of healing before placing her with the other loyal mages for safety.

Yet in his mind all he’d seen had been his sister. That could have been her, at the other end of a blood-mage’s vicious attack.

_Just like me._

‘I sang her Rosalie’s favourite song. She smiled at that. And I told her a story that was Rosalie’s favourite.’

He was babbling now, realising he was crying as he closed his eyes, the visions from Ferelden and Kirkwall clashing through his mind at such a rapid rate he couldn’t force them away any longer.

‘She giggled a bit, I think. I tried to make it better. I tried to save her. I only wanted to protect her. I thought it was the right thing to do. I didn’t know. I didn’t understand just how bad it was, Maker save me, I should have known!’

He’d never told Leaena just how much the horrors of that night echoed everything he’d experienced at Kinloch Hold. It had been his worst nightmares come to life, blood magic and its wicked toxin alive all around him, sucking him in even as he did his very best to prevent another disaster from happening all over again. He’d repelled invasion after invasion to his brain, determined this time to defeat the madness, yet terrified of being captured once more.

The only thing he had to bring him back was the pulse of Leaena’s magic still within him, his one ray of hope. It was a reminder that there was something good in his life, after all the destruction and death. Sinking to his knees, he breathed deeply in and out in an attempt to calm his mind and think rationally once more.

Cullen rubbed his eyes, the tears having stopped at least. With an effort, he pulled himself together, organising the thoughts in his mind as he considered what to do next. There would be time to deal with all that he’d remembered later – to talk to her about it all. Escape had to take precedence.

‘I need to get out. I need to get back.’ Except the path was still blocked.

It was an invisible wall he couldn’t penetrate, able to see the other side and feel that was the direction Leaena’s magic was drawing him towards. He had no way though, of figuring out how to get to the other side.

Sighing in frustration, he tried not to let his impatience get the better of him. He was emotionally bruised and battered as memories, like acid on an open wound, now rampaged freely round his mind.

‘Choices. I made a choice to leave home. I made a choice to be with a mage.’ He winced as he thought on his most recent memory. ‘More than once.’

Cullen was talking aloud, trying to rationalise what he’d been shown. ‘I don’t want Leaena to know about the past. It was all supposed to be forbidden, with mages anyway.’

Just then the invisible barrier shimmered in front of him, taking him momentarily by surprise. His out-loud ramblings had done something, it seemed. The barrier was still there, but it was weakening.

‘Guilt….’ He tailed off as the barrier wavered further, awareness flooding him as he realised just how each choice had made him feel. ‘I made decisions which I carry the burden for still. I feel guilt, shame and regret - even now. For Kirkwall, for Kinloch Hold, where people died because of my reluctance to act. I was terrified that I would be taken and tortured again.’

It had been easy, in the end, to stand up to Meredith. To see all that she truly was, reflected in himself. The horror that was her red lyrium sword was pushed to the back of Cullen’s mind even as its evil was pointed directly at him.

‘But we did win, and I wasn’t captured again. I made a difference, that time.’

Suddenly the shimmering wall was gone, Cullen feeling a rush of air on his face even as he stood frozen. The realisation that he’d been the one to end the chaos and slaughter had never occurred to him. He was the only one the other Templars and mages would have listened to, not Nathalie. Without him standing up to Meredith, the night would have been a hundred times worse. 

‘There was only so far I would go,’ he said softly, reminding himself of the times Meredith hid so much from him. ‘Even at my worst, there was only so far I would tolerate Meredith’s excesses. I did my best.’

The words were quiet in the emptiness as the weight of guilt was slowly balanced out by acceptance. It was a thoroughly disconcerting sensation. Something profound had shifted deep within him at the words that he’d never dared utter before.

Giving himself a mental shake, he looked around him. Cullen didn’t want to waste time pondering such alien emotions in the Fade. The huge amount of choices that had been available earlier, all the different paths he could have chosen, had all vanished. Ahead lay the same view he’d had at the start, one single path into a thinning white cloud. He thought there was even a shadow of green within, so faint he could have just been seeing things.

Leaena’s magic had guided him thus far as he followed its gentle pull through a veritable sea of endless possibilities. But that had been the extent of its power. The rest was up to him to figure out. Even with the revelations he’d just made, he knew there was something more he was meant to grasp. Just as he had that thought, something flickered in Leaena’s magic at his last words.

‘What’s that for? I didn’t tell her everything for a reason!’ How it was possible for magic to feel reproachful Cullen had no idea. ‘She was sick! Even in Ostwick! There are some truths I never want her to hear!’

He was projecting his own remorse onto what was essentially another form of lyrium. This whole strange universe was driving him mad. Those were the only two explanations he could come up with for the continued remonstration he could feel from the sapphires nestled comfortably in his soul. Or was it his own? Cullen no longer knew.

‘I – Maker’s Breath, I am going insane! Leaena asked me if I had changed and I have – !‘

Sighing, he tried to close his eyes and hastily changed his mind as bile rose up his throat. Instead, he opened his right palm, fixing his gaze on the silver coin that he’d been clutching tightly for this whole bizarre parade through his past.

It gave him a place to start, to sort through the feelings that he ruthlessly kept buried. Of the little he understood of this place in the Fade, Cullen knew that it was tied up with his own actions and the emotions attached to them. Sorting through it all might give him the clue he needed to return.

The coin represented stability, belief and love, of a happier and carefree time. It had always been an absent gesture he’d made, running his fingers over its now smooth surface. The token from his brother reminded him of a time before the madness, before the pain and conflict took up residence in his mind and heart – emotions that he’d carried for so long he almost couldn’t remember a life without them.  

The two women he’d been trying not to think about suddenly appeared at the forefront of his visions. Intimacy was a strange thing to contemplate alongside the abuses of Kirkwall, but he realised then just what he’d been avoiding all this time.

‘I hold myself back, even still. I don’t share what I should.’ He sighed in resignation as the truth of what the Fade had shown him became glaringly apparent. ‘How can I still feel shame, after all this bloody time? After all we have been through together?’

That barrier had never been between them, or so he thought. Self-analysis was hard, but when it came to Templars and mages nothing was ever that straightforward. Twice he’d been reminded by the Fade of the guilty pleasure, the churning excitement mixed with self-loathing when he’d been attracted to a mage.

Prior to Leaena, those two partners had been the most memorable, albeit for vastly different reasons. Occasional brief, meaningless interludes in the intervening years with warriors and mages alike had done nothing for him aside from add to his loneliness.  

He’d felt a lingering awkwardness about each encounter that had amplified the sense he was somehow lacking. It wasn’t about sex – it was something far more fundamental than that. He’d taught himself to be distant, to be cold and remote, reinforced a hundredfold after the events of Kinloch Hold. Yet all the while, a part of him yearned for the young man and child he was, taking pleasure in people and recognising the comfort that even something as simple as a hug could bring.

Years of witnessing violence and being on the receiving end of blood mages’ madness had left their impact. Behaviours once so natural to Cullen had been mercilessly forced to one side by the Order as a weakness, leaving him unable to articulate his feelings and needs as an adult. All that remained were isolated trysts in an attempt to try and find himself again, each one leaving his emotions in shreds and his mind in turmoil, confused as to what to do next aside from shut himself off even more.

‘They teach us that it’s wrong,’ Cullen said softly to the white nothingness. ‘That magic is bad and we’ll be punished for our sins if we lie with a mage, let alone dream of having a relationship. We always have to be distant, in case we have to strike the final blow. That’s the excuse they give.’

‘But I have never felt guilty with Leaena, never!’ The vehemence in his tone simply reinforced to him what he already knew. ‘I have never been ashamed of who, or what, she is. And she’s shown me, over and over again, why I shouldn’t be ashamed of myself, either.’

The horror of the past was still there. It was something that would never go away completely and the feelings he’d had for so long weren’t about to disappear. But somehow, in the space of his time in the Fade, he identified what truly mattered to him as an individual, rather than continually serving the needs of others.

It was exactly what Leaena had challenged him over that terrible day in his office – the other time he’d come seconds away from betraying himself. Yet the meaning of her words, what he truly wanted, only now registered with him.

‘I just want to do the right thing. I always have. To keep people safe, to make them feel protected. I don’t need to feel bad about wanting the same thing for myself too.’ His fierce whisper acknowledged a simple fact he’d denied himself for far too long.

He’d fallen into this accursed nightmare in the full belief that he wasn’t good enough for Leaena or for the Inquisition, realising suddenly that all the memories he’d been presented with had been around that one fact alone.

‘For so long, I hated taking it. I know I came close, several times, to falling backwards and taking lyrium. Sometimes, the music – it never stops and I think it might just make it easier, to take the pain away and not feel deficient somehow. In the Arbor Wilds, I was scared, for Leaena. I thought it might help to bring Samson down.’

He automatically felt for Leaena’s magic, comforting and reassuring him as he pulled it unconsciously closer. She was there still, waiting patiently for him to return to her, just as she always would, no matter what happened.

‘She is the only one who understands. She knows – she saw it from the first in me, because she has been there too. I want to tell her, Maker, please send me back to her – I want her to know…..’

Everything lurched once more, Cullen’s arms flailing as he was flipped over, falling head-first down a hole in the ground that had suddenly swallowed him up. He couldn’t bear to lose the sensation of Leaena’s magic, frantically clinging on still even as he looked down at his gauntleted hands clutching a potion, her safe presence no longer with him as a haze of green momentarily flared across his vision.

_Maker save me, why this!_

_I will not go back to that life. I will stay strong….._

It always tasted the same, that syrupy sweetness, as Cullen felt the lyrium hit his blood and rapidly pump its way around his body. He felt delirious and his sight blurred, the singing in his ears unbearably loud as his whole body shook from just how potent the latest dose had been.

The breath left his lungs as he slammed his hands onto his desk, the smack of glass against the wood startling him momentarily as the philter shattered. Deciding the hated substance he’d just swallowed had affected his thinking yet again, Cullen battled to keep his composure as he stared hard at the grains in the wood, counting each one till he could trust himself to lift his head.

He couldn’t cope any more with the euphoric intensity he felt every time the thick blue fluid coated his throat and lined his stomach. His mind was buzzing and fire was blazing through his veins as a result of the burst of power, in complete contrast to the sated, drugged sensation in his mind that made him want to slump back in his chair and lose himself to mindless oblivion. But for now at least, the relentless demands of lyrium’s song had been momentarily silenced.

Cullen despised every last second of the experience.

For months now he had considered leaving and taking the risk of quitting. The folly of his youth had caught up with him, that taking lyrium was somehow part of the greater good and the side effects a sacrifice worth making. The Chantry was supposed to be there to guide people and watch over the effects of magic, serving the Maker just as he intended to.

He’d swallowed it all, hook, line and sinker like the veritable idiot he was. In reality he had become dependent on a substance that was killing him, used merely as a tool to manipulate and coerce Templars into submission. Even as the Chantry fell apart around him, the Order now fragmented and at war, Cullen knew he was on the precipice of rejecting everything he’d once strived so hard to be a part of.

The initial wave of the high he loathed had passed, leaving him able to function once more. He quickly cleared away the shards before easing himself back into his chair, looking around the office that was familiar and alien to him all at the same time. He felt nothing but a sense of being trapped, wanting to make a change in his life, to atone for his past somehow but with no idea where to start.

Cullen’s hand slid into his pocket, absently playing with the silver coin that was always there, lost in thoughts that were neither comforting nor productive. Walking away from the carnage he’d helped contribute to wasn’t an option, there being no way to make amends and leave the Order at the same time. He felt trapped and disillusioned, exhausted from his continual search for an escape route that wasn’t there.

A sharp rap on the door caught his attention, as Cullen forced away the circular arguments he had no resolution for.

‘Enter,’ he called, sitting back in his chair, curious to know who would disturb him at such a late hour.

It was the last person he was expecting to see as Seeker Pentaghast, Right Hand to the Divine, walked smartly through the door, closing it shut behind her before fixing him with her stern gaze.

‘Knight-Commander Cullen. I hope I have not disturbed you at such a late hour?’ Seemingly unapologetic despite her words, she came and sat down opposite him, resting a thick tome he’d never seen before on Meredith’s old desk.

‘Not at all. I was finishing up with some reports. How may I assist you?’

The feeling of distortion was still fogging his brain, but he was unable to do anything about it, deciding the safest course of action would be to listen to whatever the Seeker wanted. And she wanted something – that much was apparent.

Cassandra said nothing for a moment, merely appraising him with an expression that left him feeling uncomfortable. She and Sister Leliana had appeared in Kirkwall a little while ago, ostentatiously to examine how Kirkwall was in the aftermath of the mage rebellion. That hadn’t fooled Cullen for a moment. But what the ulterior motive was for them, two of the most powerful women in Thedas, he had no idea.

‘You are well aware of the recent events with the mage rebellion.’

He nodded, not entirely sure where this was leading but waiting patiently to hear what she had to say.

 ‘This war must end – it is tearing southern Thedas apart. Divine Justinia is taking matters into her own hands. She is calling a Conclave at the Temple of Sacred Ashes, where the leaders of both sides will come and negotiate.’ Piercing brown eyes watched him for any reaction, Cullen only just managing to keep a neutral expression.

‘You know all too well the strength of emotion on both sides. The bitterness. The anger. And the Divine is not convinced her plan will work.’ There was a cynical twist to Cassandra’s lips at her understatement.

It was completely not what he had expected to hear.

 ‘Not convinced?’ Cullen felt the stirrings of apprehension. ‘I am surprised you’ll even get both sides to be in the same room, let alone agree to peace terms after what happened at the other conclave. There’s barely any of us left as it is here in Kirkwall.’

‘Your achievements in the face of these challenges have been remarkable, Knight-Commander. You have demonstrated your capabilities in the face of insurmountable odds time and time again, not to mention your loyalty.’ Cassandra’s assessing gaze read his every movement, giving him a slight smile as he flushed at such undeserved praise.

‘I have a proposition I would like you to consider.’

Stunned into silence at the abrupt change in conversation, Cullen said nothing, merely inclining his head for her to continue.

‘A storm is coming. This is the biggest threat Thedas has faced for centuries, leaving us weak and exposed.’ Her hand fell heavily on the tome before her. ‘This is a writ, passed to us by Divine Beatrix for Divine Justinia to invoke as necessary. The time has come for us to use its power.’

Cassandra’s voice had softened but was no less intense, her sharp eyes never leaving his. The chill of premonition slithered down his spine as she pushed the book towards him, the symbol on the front something he immediately recognised but never dreamt he’d see in his lifetime. 

‘The Inquisition will be reborn, Ser Cullen. It needs a Commander. And I believe that person is you.’

Cullen could do nothing but sit there, frozen. Her proclamation alone had left him in shock whilst her offer was beyond his wildest imaginings. She wasted no words as she carried on outlining the Divine’s plans as he sat there, unable to speak. Because, what she was outlining to him at this very moment was beyond anything he’d thought possible.

_I feel alive. For the first time in a long time._

The years since Kirkwall’s Circle fell had been the longest of his life. The Order had been in tatters, Templars infighting against one another with the remaining loyal mages left terrified and persecuted wherever they went. Before she’d been hounded out, Nathalie had been left with a broken city on her hands, as she and Aveline worked around the clock to bring some sense of order.

There had been no one else left but him to rally the Templars together, to try and fix the unholy mess they’d caused. Much though he’d wanted to turn his back on the whole thing and walk away, a far greater part of him needed to stay and repair the damage.

_This was to be my future. Until lyrium takes my mind._

Somehow he’d been granted the title Knight-Commander, and continued diligently if somewhat dispassionately with his duties, feeling detached from the debates raging across the Circles. He had opted not to attend the debacle at the White Spire, declaring Kirkwall’s loyalty to the Chantry and receiving a severe reprimand from First Seeker Lambert in the process.

Cullen couldn’t have cared less. He had no interest in politics and even less in getting involved in a war that would have no winners. He’d watched impassively as Templars and mages abandoned Kirkwall’s Circle, giving them the option to stay or to leave. It was the only fair thing he could do, after all, given he himself would have left if that had been an option.

And now, that devotion to duty, misplaced though it had been, had provided him with a Maker-sent opportunity to finally change.

‘The Templar Order as we know it is no more, nor are the Circles which you were sworn to protect. We can, together, find a solution to all that has gone so wrong. It will not be easy. There are many enemies who would see us fail – I will not lie to you on that score.’ Cassandra was not one to mince words, wanting him to be aware of the reality. ‘You have proven yourself to be a resourceful and capable leader in the face of adversity, and a man of integrity. Divine Justina needs people like you by her side.’

‘Commander of the Inquisition?’ He couldn’t get his head around it even as he felt excitement stirring in his heart, melting away the numbness he’d become used to. ‘Even after everything?’

_A chance to atone. A chance to make amends._

‘I do not care where you have faltered – only that you stand here now,’ Cassandra finished, able to see the lingering doubt in his eyes. ‘This is not an order, Cullen. The choice is yours,’

He didn’t even need to think about his response. There was no hesitation, only certainty as the words sealing his future fell from his lips. 

‘You have my sword. I will join the Inquisition.’

_My chance to break the chains….._

Without any warning a blinding light of green fire shot before his eyes, the walls of Meredith’s office and Cassandra’s earnest gaze vanishing in a split second as he felt his mind return once more to the present. It seemed quicker than the previous occasions he’d been dragged through time, but left him no less shaken by the impact.

Abruptly, it all stopped, over in a split second, far faster than the previous occasions the Fade had sifted through his memories and deposited him in the past.

It was also dark. Cullen couldn’t see anything as he struggled to get some sense of where he was.

Strangely enough, he felt so comfortable he almost never wanted to move again, that sense of well-being and relaxation extending through every part of his being. Odd thoughts of nothing much in particular floated languidly as the general sensation of inertia remained with him. He also felt fatigued, drained beyond anything he could recall, his mind sluggish and desperate for rest. There was a deep ache in his bones along with a throbbing pain down his side and abdomen, his muscles quietly protesting.

‘….both Divines, white and black, declared Exalted Marches and for the only time since the Schism of the Chantry, they worked together….’

Words were drifting across his mind from a voice, one that reminded him of home, of happiness. A sense of right settled deep within him, the steady, soft tone soothing him in a way nothing else could. He decided against moving, especially now he knew his head was resting in the most ideal location possible.

_Leaena’s lap. Can this be real?_

‘…the war drained the resources of every nation in Thedas, leaving most on the brink of collapse….’

The small part of Cullen that was alert couldn’t believe what his senses were screaming at him. He was lying there unmoving, afraid to open his eyes in case it was some other Fade-induced hallucination sent to torment him further.

He was alive. Everything seemed to work, albeit with a certain degree of pain. And he was back at Skyhold, with Leaena. It was nothing short of a miracle, yet he couldn’t muster the energy to do anything aside from quietly breathe in and out.

His senses were dulled and his eyes were reluctant to open as he registered the smooth glide of soft cotton against his skin, sheets resting lightly on top of his legs. One hand twitched, the chill of the Fade nowhere present as the light scent of orange blossom teased his nostrils.

The fire crackling in the hearth was accompanied by the periodic rustle of a page being turned, Leaena’s low, melodic voice still reading from a book she’d have to have moved heaven and earth to find for him. Her cool fingers were absently massaging the side of his neck and head, adding to the feeling of utter bliss he hadn’t felt in quite some time.

‘….treaty that put an end to the Qunari wars was signed on the politically neutral island of Lomerryn off the southern coast of Rivain. One hundred and fifty years after the assault on the mainland had begun, the Qunari left our shores……’

There was one thing convincing him everything was real. The sapphire blue threads were vibrantly glowing with all their power, happily entwined with the lyrium in his blood. Her magic had felt faint whilst he was on the other side of the Veil, but now it had, to his relief and joy, returned in full strength. Cullen wanted to speak to her but the words wouldn’t form. He was barely awake still, his body ravaged and his brain exhausted, in dire need of recuperation.

The thought still occurred to him that there was no better way to wake up after being comatose and dragged through the hell of his mind. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected, but this was perfect.

_This is where I belong. With you._

Against all the odds, he had returned from the dead, able to feel Leaena’s deep and abiding love warming his steadily beating heart. The Maker had given him a second chance to make things right, to be with this incredible woman who had saved him from himself time and time again. The plan he’d formulated a while ago, to show her just how much she meant to him flickered across his thoughts, making him smile before it disappeared off into the calm that enveloped his mind.

All the anxiety and all the horror of what he’d witnessed had dissipated now he was in her protective embrace. Cullen gave a contented inward sigh as he allowed himself to sleep, his soul finally at peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tel'abelas - I'm not sorry  
> Tel garas solasan - come not to a prideful place (I have interpreted this as leave your pride behind)  
> Var lath vir suledin - our love will endure  
> Ma vhenan - my heart  
> Dareth shiral, emma lath - farewell/safe journey, my love
> 
> Lights in the Shadow: part of Benedictions 4:11- Blessed are the righteous, the lights in the shadow.


	98. The Darkness Within

‘……only Tevinter refused to sign, and so the war continues to rage in the Imperium to the present day. Urgh, Maker preserve me, doesn’t it just? I’ve never felt more satisfied to break an alliance. They were dubious partners at the best of times. I often feel like we’re just waiting for something to happen with the Qunari. They’re such a huge unknown.’

Bright sunlight was filtering through the curtains from the balcony, the rays throwing shadows over them both as she looked down at the head resting on her lap. Lea continued to run her nails through the curls at the base of Cullen’s neck as she gave a drowsy yawn. She’d fallen asleep yet again with her head on his chest, fully dressed and sitting upright in the armchair she’d only recently vacated, her neck stiff and the wound the Aspect had dealt her in the Fade on fire. 

Ignoring Solas and Dorian’s strict instructions to stay horizontal, she was now sitting with her legs down either side of his body with his head and shoulders propped up against her stomach. It was the best way she could think of to be as close to him as possible, whilst being able to read aloud, praying the sound of her voice might help draw him back to reality.

She’d spent the last week in pretty much the same position, uncaring of her own discomfort to make sure she could work and remain next to him at the same time. She had not left her rooms since Solas had returned her to her own injured and fragile body. Any suggestion that she should deal with Inquisition business or just to get some fresh air she’d stubbornly dismissed, leading at one point to an extended shouting match with Trystan. His fear for them both as a result of watching them nearly die was underlying his uncommonly dictatorial behaviour, but it had done nothing but spark Lea’s temper to new heights of aggravation. 

Only Cassandra had managed to diffuse the row, firstly dragging Trystan away to calm down before sitting with Lea for several hours afterwards. She’d even managed to make Lea smile as Cassandra shared snippets of the latest chapter of Swords and Shields that Varric had somehow managed to write amidst the carnage of the last couple of months.  

The work, of course, never ended. Piles of correspondence and report she’d half-heartedly perused were spread haphazardly across the sheets, abandoned in frustration. Fed up of everything to do with the Inquisition, she’d pushed them to one side in favour of reading Cullen a book she knew he would be thrilled to have in his possession at last.  

Cullen was the same as he had been all week, breathing steadily and deeply as if in a deep slumber, but otherwise completely unresponsive. Her gaze narrowed as she remembered Solas’ glowing hands move over Cullen’s stomach and side, continuing to strengthen the muscles that had been ripped apart. Both of his injuries were healing nicely, the shiny lumpy tissue slowly fading to a pale pink.

_Injuries he should have died from. How was this possible?_

_Leaena Trevelyan did you want that to happen?! Cullen yet lives! Focus!_

She would deal with the ramifications of their survival when Cullen awoke. Right now, it was impossible to do anything but pray he returned to her – Lea had little space in her mind for anything else. It had the one positive effect of keeping the hysteria she’d felt ever since she’d woken at bay, thoughts of the past and present invading just when she least expected it.  

Gritting her teeth, doing her best to force down the ever-present nausea, Lea again reassured herself he was alive, her fingertips rested against the pulse beating steadily on the side of his neck.

‘I don’t know why I’m bothering. I can feel your heartbeat in me anyway.’ She gave a rueful smile as the cobalt threads wound their way sleepily through the weave of her own spirt. ‘There’s something about physically checking up on you that helps. And I can feel you get stronger. You’ll be home so soon.’

Even as she said the words, there was a surge of energy, the blue of his lyrium flaring in response to her words – or so she assumed, making her gasp aloud. It was stronger than anything she’d felt since she’d frantically grabbed hold of his spirt and prevented his descent into the afterlife, her heart rattling in her chest as she stared at his face.

‘Cullen?’ Lea felt foolish speaking to an unconscious person, despite having talked to him practically nonstop for seven days. ‘Are you – are you alright?’

She felt doubly ridiculous when there was no response, Cullen merely sleeping on, his body heavy and unmoving against hers. Solas was insistent there would be no warning when he found a path out – Cullen would simply awaken all of a sudden just as anyone did returning from the Fade. There would be no fanfare and no dramatics. He’d simply wake up as if he’d been having a nap.

‘I can but hope,’ she said resignedly, tracing a line through the myriad of scars on his cheeks and the old one across his lip before giving a light chuckle. ‘You and me yet again, covered in cuts and bruises. But this time it was someone else dealing the damage. This face, the one that has sent many a maidenly heart fluttering, will take a while to heal – as will your rather gorgeous body, Commander. Both of which, Andraste be praised, belong to me and not the predators that continually circle you.’

She waited a moment longer, watching the light rise and fall of his chest to see if there was any change – which, of course there wasn’t. Cullen remained dead to the world.

‘Well, you must still be in the Fade if you didn’t respond to that. Not a blush in sight – and you know I meant every word. You are far too beautiful, inside and out, for the likes of me.’

It was the hardest thing she’d ever lived through, to have Cullen so close and yet a million miles away. Lea had a newfound appreciation of everything he had gone through after the Shrine of Dumat. What she was experiencing was a mere shadow of the weeks of uncertainty Cullen had endured, his patience and faith never wavering. Now, it was her turn.

 Trying her best to stay upbeat, refusing to give into the crushing sadness that threatened to overwhelm her every second of the day, she felt the chill of the silver coin against her neck and clasped it in her palm. Trystan had found the token of luck Cullen had gifted to her in Honnleath, passing it to her as soon as she’d awoken.

‘You remembered. All along, even after that stupid fight we had, you took it into Mythal’s Temple. You found it and kept it safe for me.’ She looked across at his slumbering form, wishing so badly that she could tell him just how much the simple gesture had meant to her. ‘I miss you, my love. So very much. And there, I’ve said it, the one time I’ll allow myself today.’

Lea leant forward, the hint of his breath on her cheek comforting her as much as his warm, soft lips pressed against hers as she gave him a gentle kiss.

‘I can never do that too often. I hope you don’t mind.’ She sat upright once more, his growing beard tickling her fingers as she continued to lightly stroke his face.

_Nope. Still out._

As she pushed her hair from her eyes before flicking the pages open, she missed the slight twitch of Cullen’s hand, the slightest of gestures creasing the sheets before resting still once more. She settled herself back against the headboard, the horrible feeling of missing him leaving a pit of emptiness in her stomach and her chest tight as she tried to breathe, fighting the rising anxiety. Clasping his hand, she kissed his fingers, the skin slightly rough tanned and against the paleness of her own.

‘So, what has happened today? Gaspard has written, complimenting us on our victory over Samson….’

That Samson was dead had barely registered with Lea. The horrific vision of Cullen collapsing in a bloody heap at the Red Templar’s feet, his blood dripping off Meredith’s sword, hit her from nowhere and sent her reeling.

‘I can’t process it right now. Not with you like this. Maybe when you wake up, it will all be better. But this – I –.’ She only just stopped herself from sobbing, grabbing the book and returning her free hand to play with his hair, determined to stay positive through the blinding agony searing through her brain.

‘Just so you know, the Emperor of Orlais himself wishes you a speedy recovery, and hopes you will be fit enough soon to join him on an inspection of both Orlais and the Inquisition’s troops following the battle in the Arbor Wilds. A battle you led us to a resounding victory in, I might add.’

Lea was bursting with pride for all that Cullen had achieved, for himself and the Inquisition. Yet focussing on how far he’d come didn’t make her forget the hideous reality of the way they’d parted. Guilt and anger at herself for not supporting him, for failing him so abysmally as a partner right when he needed her the most was overshadowing every single positive thought she tried to focus on.

As usual, the self-reproach changed nothing, aside from making her feel even more hopeless and dejected.

‘Too little too late on my part. I should have done so much more. Did you take lyrium that day? Could I have stopped you again, instead of pushing you away?’ Her choked whisper sounded loud in the quiet of her room as she made a huge effort to push the negativity aside. ‘You don’t need me like this. We will talk when you awaken, properly. When I can tell you – there is so much I need to tell you….’

Shaking her head slightly, keeping up the light strokes of her nails across his scalp which she knew he loved, Lea looked down at the book in her hand. Her vision was blurred as she tried her best to concentrate on the letters swimming in front of her eyes, gulping down her sorrow as she forced herself not to descend into a melancholic, self-pitying rant he couldn’t even hear.

‘Shall we get back to Sister Petrine? She was about to give us an analysis of Chantry warfare in Orlais – let me just find the page…’ Juggling the book with one hand, refusing to move her hand, Lea started to turn the pages with one finger to locate the right chapter, balancing the book haphazardly on her knee.

‘Thinking of Orlais…….you’ll enjoy this, Cullen. Gaspard has patronised a new museum of military history. It’s due to open in Val Royaeux in the next month or two and, if we are in town we can go to the opening.’ Her lips twisted wryly as she considered the type of affair it promised to be, wondering how on earth she would convince Cullen to attend. ‘Let’s make a deal. I’ll guard you from your admirers if you guard me –‘.

‘If you think for one minute you’re parading me in front of the great and good of Orlais , you can – ow!’

The heavy tome Lea didn’t quite have a hold of landed squarely on Cullen’s head as she jumped from the unexpected sound of a deliciously deep voice, husky and thick from extended sleep.

Cullen speaking had to be the most incredible sound Lea thought she’d ever heard, even as her unholy shriek echoed round the chamber. Amazement and fear in equal measure were raging through her veins as she clapped one hand over her mouth to stop herself from screaming again.

‘Cullen! What! You – you – oh shit, I hit you with the book! But, oh fuck you scared me! Are you, I mean, you are – !‘

‘If you want me to go to Val Royaeux as your escort you just have to ask.’ Amber eyes she’d been terrified she’d never see again gazed back at her, his teasing tone not hiding the underlying tremor of distress in his voice as Cullen slowly eased himself up. ‘There are other ways to persuade me you know, aside from throwing books at my head.’

Lea couldn’t continue as she scampered back on the bed, her legs tucked under her as she watched him slowly sit upright in astonishment. The sheer enormity of the situation hit them both at the same time as they froze, staring at each other incredulously and breathing rapidly from a combination of exhilaration and utter bewilderment.

Even with bruises and scabs covering his face, his eyes dilated and foggy and the curls on his head – normally tamed into some semblance of order now in complete disarray, Lea had never seen a more perfect sight.

The last time she’d seen Cullen awake, reeling from their vicious row and his sudden Maker-sent appearance during a battle she’d been losing, a red lyrium-powered sword had just dealt a fatal blow to his side. She’d then shot straight into the Fade to save him from that final step into the afterlife, protecting his spirit from being consumed by the Void and weaving him a path to freedom with the magic of her Mark.

The fear this might yet be some cruel dream, sent to show her all she’d lost in her folly, still refused to leave her despite the very visible evidence to the contrary. She was struggling to reconcile the devastation and horror of that moment when she thought he was gone from her forever, with the Cullen who was now before her, sore and confused – but very much alive.

Cullen’s gaze devoured her, disbelieving that she was actually, truly there. She was doing the same, seeing him as if it were the first time all over again, back at the Temple of Sacred Ashes. Her mind was intent on memorising every tiny detail – from the firm line of his jaw, the slight arch of his eyebrows right down to the hint of a dimple in his chin, forever imprinted in her memory in case he vanished once more.

 _Come to me, my love. I will not push you_.

Instinctively, she knew she had to somehow demonstrate to Cullen that what he’d been through had passed – that he’d returned to the land of the living. Yet she was paralysed, fearful of making the first move in case he thought she was some demon come to torment him further. Cullen had to give her permission to let her enter his space first.

His body was healing, the red lyrium fading away at a far more rapid rate than her own. His mind, however, was a different matter entirely. He was fighting an internal battle, still reluctant to accept he’d escaped the Fade – yet hoping against hope he’d somehow found his way out and she wasn’t a demon of his own creation.

The moment he gave her an indication that she could approach, Lea could begin to help him heal his mind, just as he had done for her. She was willing him with every fibre of her being to believe she was real, encouraging him to take the first steps and reclaim his life at last.

_And that will take a very long time._

_But in this, I will be patient._

After what felt like an eternity of silent communication between them, Cullen tentatively reached a hand out to stroke her face, his lips parted as he tried to speak, words unable to form. Yet speech proved unnecessary. The light but intimate caress, the touch of his fingers under her chin drawing her nearer, was all it took to break the spell that held her immobile. 

Before she knew it, ignoring the burning pain from her injuries, Lea had flown into his arms, practically falling off the bed in her haste to be back in his loving, protective embrace once more. She didn’t care that he was crushing her in his own need to assure himself she wasn’t a Fade-induced hallucination. She was heedless to the protests from her side, the pressure of his forearm pulling her hard up against the solid muscle of his chest and into his lap. Weak as he was, Cullen was still far stronger than she, Lea quietly exulting at the sensation of his power and strength that she’d sorely missed.

This was ecstasy and torment on a level she’d never experienced before, leaving her dizzy and her heart beating so rapidly she thought she might pass out as stars danced before her eyes. Relief beyond anything she’d known was only met by despair so black she almost couldn’t control it, sensing the depth of bleakness and misery that was consuming Cullen’s soul.

‘Cullen – oh Cullen, you came back, you didn’t leave me, I love you, I love you so very much…..’ Her hands ran across his back, frantic in her need to prove to both of them it was real. ‘It is you, I thought you were dead, that you were lost forever…..holy Andraste, please, never again, I can’t lose you …..’

She just about registered the taste of salt on his lips from tears of joy and disbelief that they had somehow both made it through the barren wilderness of the Fade. The heat of his mouth on her tongue made her gasp, breathless already between mindless, feverish kisses that they both craved to reassure themselves that the nightmare was finally over.

Lea belatedly realised she was shaking in a combination of shock, exhaustion and elation, unable to stop the urgency she had to physically absorb as much of Cullen as she possibly could. Long, cold sleepless nights, fraught with worry and recrimination when she’d thought it was all over had only intensified once she’d returned to her body. The terror of seeing him fall to Samson’s blade and sensing him slip into the Void still chilled her to the core, that she could feel him recover and gain strength day by day irrelevant in the face of the traumatising reality that so nearly was.

Nothing mattered but having him there, living, breathing and kissing her back with a desperate intensity, the coarse stubble chafing her lips and cheeks a wondrous reminder that he was actually there. Cullen was trembling as much as she was, his tears dampening her collar as he held her tightly, his hands roving all over her shoulders, arms and back to check she wasn’t a figment of his imagination.

‘You are beautiful, Maker you are perfect, you saved me. I love you, Leaena, you have no idea – you were the only thing keeping me going.’ Cullen’s hoarse murmur made her heart sing and break at the same time as his fingers tangled in her hair, rough kisses along her neck and face making her skin flame as he tried to convince himself he was no longer trapped in his mind. ‘Please tell me you are real. I can’t go through that again, I can’t cope if this isn’t real. Andraste preserve me, you can never know….’

‘This is real – I am real, I promise you are back at Skyhold. I’m so sorry, please forgive me –.’ She didn’t get a chance to say any more as Cullen kissed her into silence, practically delirious with the combination of tasting him once more and the sheer volume of energy flooding through her body.

‘No, no I am sorry, this was all my fault – I have made so many mistakes! So many people hurt and dead – you nearly died, my biggest failure, to not protect you –.‘ He couldn’t stop crying, shaking harder than Lea had ever seen him from withdrawal, memories of his past still at the forefront of his mind. ‘My inability to act, letting you walk away – I should have stopped them, I should have stopped you….’

_What did the Fade do to you!_

‘My love, it is the past. It is over. I am here, alive. You did everything you had to and more, please don’t doubt yourself…..’ She could do nothing but hold him close, his face pressed to her breast with his tears soaking through her shirt, devastated at his pain as she whispered soft reassurances to keep him with her. ‘You are stronger than anyone I know, inside and out – you have been through more than anyone ever should!’

Her heart shattered then, to think of all Cullen had suffered, to know what the Order had put him through time and time again before he found the chance to escape. That he’d not told her everything she was well aware of, and she’d waited for him to be ready. Slowly over the course of the last few months, he had shared some of the most challenging periods of his life. Yet something had happened now to send him over the edge, his legendary fortitude and tolerance now in shreds.

‘I was there, it took me there, again and again, making me replay over and over – my folly, my desires, my stupidity. Why did it make me go to that place? I don’t understand, I can’t go back, please, Maker don’t make me go back….the chains, they bind me still……’

Cullen was incoherent, his voice breaking in his desolation, pushed beyond his mental limits from what he’d been forced to undergo. The momentary clarity he’d had upon waking had vanished in a split second when confronted with the aftermath of what he’d been through. Leaving the Fade had merely been a first step.

_And here we are, treading along our path of thorns yet again._

_Is there to be no end?_  

They were locked together in a tight embrace, both crying, Lea vaguely aware of how badly she was shaking. Her face was pressed into his hair as she repeated words of reassurance, her other arm pulling him as closely to her as possible. His grip around her waist was agonising, yet the pain was distant at the same time. The only thing that mattered was letting Cullen free the hurt he’d been carrying for so long, and for her to provide him with a safe and loving space for that to happen.

She could see her own tears darken the blonde hair where they fell onto his head, able to do nothing but hug him close until the storm of his emotion passed. Racking sobs were punctuating his every breath as he clung mindlessly onto her still, needing to rely on her strength and comfort in a way he’d never had to before.

‘I’m so sorry,’ she whispered, agony still cutting her up inside at how broken he was. ‘That you had to go through all of that – I am so sorry. I wish I could make it better for you.’

It was torture of the worst kind, to see the man she loved beyond reason, still trapped in the hell of his past. She had no idea what to say or what to do, able only to give him the little physical comfort she could.

‘No, not you – never you. It binds me still, I can’t free myself – shackled forever…..’ His words were barely audible, hardly able to speak any more as his body convulsed violently from shock and fatigue.

What he uttered was enough, however, to send ice slithering down Lea’s spine.

_The Order……he means the Order……_

_And lyrium. Oh blessed Andraste……_

‘It’s alright, you will endure, I promise you, we will find a way.’ Lea stumbled over the words, trying her hardest to push away the panic that had reared its ugly head the moment she realised what Cullen had been referring to. ‘It’s over – you aren’t there any mo –.‘

‘Endless calling, endlessly singing, demanding, ever more, I can’t stand it, it never stops, Maker please, make it stop!’ Cullen’s harsh words cut Lea off, his fingers digging painfully into her back as he continued to tighten his grip on her, seeking a release from the relentless misery of his past. ‘I tried so hard – I tried, I prayed and begged but they chain you for life – there is no escape…..the same, everywhere I turn, everywhere I look, bodies everywhere…..’

Each anguished sob seared her further, Lea horrified to see Cullen bought so low. Her physical pain meant nothing if somehow he was able to take solace from her presence. His face was still pressed into her chest, his fists clenching the cotton fabric of her shirt as he continued to cry uncontrollably. She was alternating between kissing his head and caressing his face, using her spirit that was bonded to his in a desperate attempt to draw him out from the darkness of his mind.

‘I am so proud of you, Cullen. I am in awe of what you have survived and overcome. You are the bravest person I know.’ Her voice was fierce, her resolve unwavering, bolstering Cullen with her words and through her magic, gradually feeling him stutteringly draw on her fortitude and resolve.

‘I will not let you falter – not now, not ever! Just as you have been there for me, so I am here now. We will face your demons down together. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Stop this self-doubt. I believe in you - we all do. I am blessed beyond belief to have you in my life.’

Slowly, her words seemed to sink in just as the essence of her magic spread its comforting radiance to every fibre of his being. She felt him respond, ever so slowly, the violent tremors and tears gradually easing. That he still maintained his ironclad grip on her waist Lea didn’t mind in the least, needing to maintain the physical contact with him that she had badly missed.

‘That’s it, my love,’ she murmured quietly, her every gentle caress seeming to soothe him further. ‘You can relax now. You’re home.’

‘Home?’ Her shirt was soaked where his tears had fallen as he slowly lifted his face, fearful of the response. ‘I was searching for you, for so long…..you are home.’

It was a sight that tore at her soul, to see Cullen so tear-ravaged, his beautiful face crumpled in unimaginable emotional turmoil. Without thinking, she cupped his face in her palms, slowly pressing a kiss on each cheek, then a tremulous kiss on his lips. Enfolding him in her arms once more, she buried face buried into his shoulder as he did the same, the heat of his shuddering breaths warming her neck.

_He relived Kirkwall, blood magic all over again, Templars never allowed to show weakness..…..I should have known! Made the connection sooner!_

_Oh Cullen, what you have suffered, time and time again! What they put you through!_

‘You are my life, my reason for being and I will always be here for you.’ Lea was vehement in her assurance, wishing them both so far away from all the trauma and death that seemed to dog them both, no matter what they did. ‘I wish I could take this away from you somehow. I hate to see you suffer. I am so very sorry they did this to you.’

‘Never say sorry. I owe you my life. I thought I would never see you again, that I would never be able to tell you how much I love you.’ Cullen was almost inaudible as he spoke, reluctant to relinquish his hold on her. ‘They led me out of the Fade. I am – I am out of the Fade am I not?’

The hesitancy and underlying terror in his voice were unmissable. Slowly Lea unwound her arms and sat upright, lifting his head with one hand. There was only one way she could think of to prove to him that the violence and conflict of his past and the nightmares of the Fade were finally over. 

‘You are.’ Lea placed his free hand over her heart before placing her palm on his chest, his heart pulsing as fast as hers, wanting to weep yet again at the vulnerability Cullen so rarely displayed. ‘You know you are, Cullen. Don’t you feel it here? Like I do?’

He didn’t say anything, the shadows clouding his amber eyes gradually fading as he let his senses absorb the reality he’d found his way back to. Gradually, Lea felt his disorientation fall away as she reassured him silently, waiting for the storm caused by his awakening to finally pass.

If the cobalt had flared before, now it was an almost invisible blur, so close within her now there was almost no difference between her spirit and his. She’d known their bond had strengthened, but the togetherness she felt with Cullen was beyond anything she’d experienced. It wasn’t just to do with the emotion flowing between them, so powerful it almost dominated her own magic. What they had survived and lived through had only bought them together in such a way it transcended all that had gone before.

‘I do. You live inside of me.’ He tried to smile, to assure her, even in his own devastation still wanting to ensure she was taken care of first. ‘You always did. I know that now. Thank you for being there.’

This time the kiss they shared was slow and gentle, her tears that had nearly dried starting again at the tenderness of Cullen’s touch. His free hand had cupped her jaw as his lips met hers, Lea by now barely able to stay upright as she leant against the sold comfort of his body. From one caress alone she felt the depth of his devotion, the numbing fear she’d felt ever since she’d seen him fall into the eluvian steadily melting away.

‘You look exhausted. How do you feel?’ She was terrified of the response, forcing her tremulous voice to sound as normal as possible.

‘My head feels like it’s cleaved in two and I think I could sleep for a week.’ Cullen grudgingly acknowledged, hating as usual to admit any form of physical weakness and leaving her question unanswered for now.

‘Then I suggest you lie down and try to nap.’ Lea somehow found the willpower to tear herself away from his arms as she stood to give him room.

She’d thought she’d made a sensible suggestion, until she saw the look of abject fear on Cullen’s face when she suggested sleep.

‘I have something that will help from Solas,’ she said softy, trying to calm him again and hating herself for being so thoughtless. ‘I will be right here as well. There is no going back to the Fade for you, I promise.’

He nodded, saying nothing as he accepted the potions she passed him, drinking them uncomplainingly before lying flat on his back on the bed, a grimace of discomfort on his face. That alone was testament to just how overwhelmed and unwell he still was, his body still recovering from such severe injuries as much as his mind.

‘Can I please hold you for a while, my lady?’ His tentative plea made her heart bleed, echoing the loneliness and sadness she’d felt ever since the hideous way they’d parted.

‘You can hold me forever, ser knight. I thought you would never ask.’

Seeing he was comfortable and smiling slightly at her lighthearted quip, Lea slowly eased herself down on the side that wasn’t infected, resting her head on his shoulder. Her arm snaked over his upper body and her leg wrapped around his, pulling herself as close to his body as she could. It was the uttermost form of heaven that she could have ever imagined as she closed her eyes momentarily with a sigh, feeling Cullen’s arm encircle her shoulders as he kissed the top of her head.

‘I missed this.’ His words were soft in the still of the room, slurring slightly as the potion began to take effect. ‘I thought I would never see you again. And then I heard you.’

‘When did you hear me?’ Lea managed to turn on her side to watch him, unable to stop herself from stroking his jaw and neck.

‘I heard enough.’ His eyes were drooping just as she hoped, knowing how badly Cullen needed sleep to heal. ‘Your body is gorgeous too. And you have no idea…….glad I belong to you and not some……swooning nitwit in Orlais.’

Cullen’s eyes opened fully for a moment, taking Lea by surprise as she felt her face flame red at having been overheard after all. He was close to sleep now even as he pulled her towards him for one more lingering kiss, his eyelids fluttering closed, unable to keep them open any longer.

‘Worth it, to see your reaction……you’re cute when you blush. I love the sound of your voice, Leaena.’ He could barely get the sentence out as she continued with her rhythmic caress, waiting for him to drop off, secure in the knowledge she was there. ‘I listened to you for ages……so peaceful……’

He tailed off, Lea quietly waiting and stroking his forehead until she was sure he’d fallen asleep. She was reluctant to move, feeling emotionally wrung out as she curled closer to his comforting warmth, repositioning his arm around her shoulders. Cullen was completely out once more, the restorative slumber he’d immediately succumbed to being the best cure for him by far.

Feeling as if she’d been hit by a ton of bricks, she continued to watch him, feeling a sense of unreality at just how bizarre the last hour had been. She was delighted he’d awoken and scared it was all too good to be true, with no idea how to handle the conflicting emotions inside her. A sense of unreality had her in its grip, tiredness now hitting her in waves as she tried to calm herself down.

_What happened that afternoon? I need….._

Just as she felt her insides tying themselves into knots, a series of loud snores made her look at him incredulously, amusement bubbling up inside her to hear Cullen making such a normal, decidedly un-Fadelike sound.

‘Who would have thought you sounding like a congested druffalo would reassure me so thoroughly?’ She surprised herself by giggling, taking his hand and kissing it just as another rumbling snort punctuated her words. ‘And you’d deny it too. But for once, I think it might help. Carry on, Commander.’

Snuggling against his side once more with a big yawn, unable to keep her eyes open any more in spite of the conflict still raging inside her, Lea promptly fell asleep.

\--------

‘I presume good things have happened if she’s draped herself all over Cullen like the finest of Orlesian silks. Beats giving yourself a hernia sleeping bent double, at any rate.’

‘He has returned, I am fairly certain of it. What say you, Cole?’

‘He’s not as loud any more.’

‘Well that was helpful. Perhaps they both staggered back into the Fade to continue the party.’

‘No. You don’t understand. He’s quiet, but his spirit is awake –.‘

‘Maker save me, what is a girl to do around here to get some rest?’

Lea had been lying there for a few minutes, listening to Solas, Dorian and Cole debate the continued existence of her and Cullen, at first groggily then with some entertainment as she slowly awoke. She felt stiff, a bit cold and her side still pained her, but that was all inconsequential to the bolt of pure joy reverberating through her heart as she felt his warm, protective presence inside her soul once more.

‘Don’t wake on our account, dear Lea. You look most fetching sleeping with your mouth wide open.’ She peered at Dorian through one eye, scowling at his cheerful twinkle as she dragged herself upright.

‘I’ll take any rest I can right now,’ she grumbled, stretching her arms out and rubbing her eyes. ‘And I did not have my mouth open! What time is it?’

‘Late in the afternoon.’ Solas had ignored her to concentrate on Cullen, a slight smile on his face from the lighthearted jesting as he continued his examination. ‘This is true sleep. He has awoken at last?’

‘This morning. Sorry I didn’t call you – he….’ Lea stopped abruptly, her initial overwhelming pleasure at Cullen’s return overshadowed by the memory of his despair and grief. ‘He needed a bit of time. And he was shattered. He took those potions and was straight out again.’

‘When your mind replays the past back to you in such vivid detail, it will be hard for him to process the deeper meaning behind it all,’ Solas said distractedly as he checked over Cullen’s stomach wound. ‘That he understood something from the experience is apparent, otherwise he would not be here. It will take him time. If he is to fully recover, however, he must talk.’

‘And that honour will fall to you, in all likelihood, dear Inquisitor.’ Dorian was sombre as he considered the implications. ‘The Fade shows us our interpretations of the memories only. Cullen would have seen only his version of events. It isn’t necessarily a true reflection of what took place.’

‘Kinloch Hold and Kirkwall,’ Lea whispered to herself, remembering the shifting images of the city as she sat, patiently waiting outside of the shelter she’d crafted for Cullen. ‘But what?’

‘Only he can tell us. And you know the Commander. He’s best at direct communication with tangible outcomes. It’s going to be a challenge for him.’ Solas’ tone was brisk as he stood, satisfied with Cullen’s physical progress. ‘Dorian, just come here and look at this bonding a moment –‘.

The two mage bent their heads, debating the best way to regenerate the wound up Cullen’s side. Although neither she nor Dorian considered themselves healers, Solas often borrowed them to assist with more complicated injuries. Just like her Commander’s.

_We should be dead._

_How are we alive?_

She gave herself a mental shake, dismissing the deep unease over that one point she’d had the moment she’d found herself in the Fade. Deciding it was safe enough to leave Cullen’s side, Lea slipped off the bed, ignoring the crunch from the scattered papers she’d slept on top of as she tried to wake up some more. Rubbing her eyes, she blinked, realising Cole wasn’t with the others, having disappeared once more.

It was hard for her not to wince as she hobbled over to her desk. Her side was on fire and her skin burning from fever. The all-consuming fear of not knowing if Cullen would survive, then the high of having Cullen’s return had mercifully pushed her own illness to one side. Except that time had now passed, Lea feeling in excruciating detail where she ached the most.

She had no time to wallow in self-pity, trying to shake the sense of unreality as she looked over to where Cullen lay sleeping. He’d awoken, alive, but in a bad place. And just as quickly, he’d gone back to sleep again, leaving her in despair for all he’d suffered, the question of whether he’d succumbed to lyrium’s music left unanswered and burning a hole in her brain. She’d felt so shattered she hadn’t had a chance to process the enormity of what had taken place, immediately crashing out right next to him instead.

Now she was awake, the chatter of everyone around her coming from another place as she fought to gain some sort of clarity in her mind once more. Quickly downing a rejuvenation potion before Solas could forbid her, she waited impatiently for the effects to take place, hoping it was merely fever that had left her feeling so unsettled.

_Take these doubts away too, please._

As she looked across at her two friends, now arguing over Cullen’s sleeping form about some obscure point of magical theory – which had nothing to do with healing – disquiet hit Lea yet again. Slumping against her desk, her palm raised, she stared at the green glow lurking within. Questions that had lurked in her brain since her wakening from the Shrine of Dumat had returned with force, Lea unable to ignore their implications for much longer.

She’d never grown entirely used to the alien magic within her body, although the Anchor had reached some sort of mutual co-existence with her own innate power. How it had achieved what it had done, however, was making a part of her wish she’d never set foot in the Conclave in the first place. 

Feeling suddenly claustrophobic, she walked to the balcony doors, pushing aside the heavy curtains and flinging them wide. The air was freezing as it hit her face, Lea absently wandering out onto the terrace to stare sightlessly at nothing. The stunning mountain scenery, normally a balm to troubles that seemed never to leave her, was wasted on her as she looked down at her Mark again. Unwittingly, a green flame suddenly danced in her hand as she held it up, pure and uncorrupted by the red lyrium that still lurked within her body.

‘Where did you come from?’ she whispered in consternation, frowning as she tried yet again to understand its properties. ‘I have never encountered the like of you. I don’t know if I want you and yet – you save us time and time again, and I have no explanation as to how.’

‘It is an ancient magic, that much we know.’ Solas startled her slightly as he and Dorian approached. ‘And it serves its purpose against Corypheus. Through you, it is the best weapon we have against him.’

‘That’s reassuring,’ Lea replied sarcastically, letting the fire extinguish and her hand fall even as his words stirred something at the back of her mind. ‘So if I fail we’re all fucked. Nothing has changed since Haven has it? Even after all this time, we still have no better solution than a magic which we know nothing about and could be just as destructive in its own right.’

‘Cullen is out of the Fade, Lea, Samson is dead and Corypheus is on the run.’ Solas’ calm voice didn’t waver in the face of her rising paranoia. ‘We need to think of one thing at a time. And you were not meant to take that potion just now. How else am I supposed to check you over if your infection has been masked by painkillers?’

‘I need to work, especially with one advisor down, and Cullen – he’s sick still, not himself. There’s too much to do. And did he take lyrim? No one seems to want to address that point!’  

As she glanced down at her feet, unwilling to make eye contact Lea felt crowded, ill at ease and increasingly frightened all over again. Situations were in play that were completely out of her control and she had no idea how to bring order back to her universe.

‘Corypheus is not going to wait. What’s he going to do, march up to the gates of Skyhold and knock? No! And damned if the Inquisition doesn’t get busier every day, no matter that we’ve defeated him to the point of having nothing left. I have no time to prepare!’

‘Lea – ‘. Solas shook his head, looking across at Dorian as some unspoken message seemed to pass between them – a glance that made her feel even worse. ‘I shall return later. You’ll be pleased to hear that the Commander, at least, should make a full recovery. Including his mind. Give it time.’

‘Thank you, falon,’ Lea said wearily as she clasped his arm for a second, wondering how she could ever doubt her friend after all he’d done. ‘You saved him. I will never forget this.’

‘I’d like to think it was a collaborative effort,’ Solas reminded her, turning to leave. ‘And you are welcome. The Inquisition needs its Inquisitor and its Commander both. One does not function without the other, after all.’

With that ambiguous remark, the elf disappeared down the shadows of the steps to the Main Hall. To say she felt bewildered was an understatement. She didn’t notice her breathing quicken as she considered the implications – the cost – that she still might have to pay for having kept Cullen alive.

‘What the fuck? I can’t cope with cryptic comments right now.’ She put her head in her hands as her elbows propped up on the railings, the events of the day suddenly overwhelming her. ‘I don’t know – but it’s a sacrifice I would make, time and time again –‘.

‘What do you mean? Sacrifice?’ Dorian’s voice was coming from further and further away as the thoughts she’d held at bay for weeks started to flood back.

_Cullen is back. Samson is dead. Corypheus still needs to join him._

_Vivienne has vanished. I live. Cullen lives. She has gone…._

The images those thoughts conjured in her left her trembling once more, almost unable to stand. She hadn’t allowed herself to think beyond the immediate day-to-day decisions that demanded her attention as Inquisitor. That Vivienne would return in some capacity to make her life a living hell had been shoved to the very back of her mind.

She’d not set foot outside her rooms since she’d woken up, terrified of leaving Cullen for even a second. The immediacy of that situation had now passed, leaving all the pressing issues she’d ignored free reign to swamp her mind once more, all while she tried to adjust to everything she’d experienced in such a short time.

Any progress she’d made had been wiped out by the horror of seeing Cullen so traumatised, so broken and lost. It had left her powerless, lost in a sea of remorse and bitter sadness, rendering everything else unimportant. She had failed him and failed the Inquisition. There would be no second chances.

It seemed she wasn’t adjusting very well to anything at all.

‘Lea, breathe. In, out, in, out, that’s a good girl.’

Blackness was in front of her eyes as she tried to stem the rising panic that was choking her, the emotions she’d so ruthlessly supressed suddenly permeating every part of her mind and body. Her fists were clenched and her hair had fallen over her face as she sunk to her knees in a futile attempt to hide from the world, fighting to recover. The nails scratching and digging into her palms and the stabbing sensation in her side from her jerky movements were the two things she had that kept her in reality, Lea clinging onto the physical pain in an attempt to divert her tormented mind from her failures.

_She lives yet. She will find me._

_We are on borrowed time, Cullen and I. We must yet pay the price._

A sense of discord so strong resounded through her very being at the thought. Something was not right, she knew it, even through the paranoia that was now presenting her with disaster scenario after disaster scenario. What was wrong though, Lea couldn’t make sense of, her brain foggy with exhaustion and confusion, too run down by the trauma of recent events to process much of anything at all.

It was the metallic tang in her nostrils, and the bite in her hands that drew her out of the vicious cycle of doom in her brain. Lea had pressed her sharp nails so hard into her palm they’d broken skin. Almost gratefully, she focussed on the stinging, using the sensation to her advantage to refocus her mind, just as she had with Samson’s torture.

White noise was in her hears and the world had fallen away as she focussed on siding her fingers time and time again against the cuts she’d caused. She missed the sharp inhale of shock from Dorian as she allowed her nails to cut further into her palms, convinced that pain was the only thing able to return her senses to the present. She welcomed it, embraced it, feeling a cleansing fire burn through her mind from the damage she was inflicting on herself.

Steadily, heedless of the sticky heat across her fingers, she felt clarity return inch by agonising inch. Gradually she unclenched her fists and opened her eyes, looking in surprise at the amount of blood that seemed to have accumulated, dripping down her wrists and onto the tiles.

‘Maker’s Breath, if he wasn’t so ill I’d wake him…..Lea, listen to me!’

Dorian’s urgent call, from right behind her made Lea slowly look up. She’d completely forgotten he was there, lost to the seductive madness that fogged her thoughts and stole her mind, overwhelmed by the severity of everything that had taken place. Belatedly, she realised he’d seen everything she’d done, how she’d used pain to restore her sanity.

_It’s the only way….I don’t do it often…..he won’t understand…..he can’t tell him…._

‘Give me your hands, Inquisitor. And no, I’m not asking for permission to touch you.’ Dorian grabbed her hands and blotted them with the cloth from his sash. ‘Let’s clear this up first and then you’re going to tell me exactly what came over you then.’

‘Don’t tell Cullen, promise me,’ she groaned out after a second, still unable to look up as she hissed from the burning agony in her side and now her palms. ‘I just – I needed to – stop. This works.’

‘You need to do more than stop. Wait a second – these cuts aren’t deep and I can remove the stains.’ Dorian didn’t reply to her plea, his brow furrowed for a moment as her hands were suddenly enfolded in a glowing green light. ‘There, that should do it. Flesh wounds always bleed far more than they need to.’

Lea couldn’t say anything for a moment, still reeling from the ominous premonition that something very bad was still to happen. It was a threat that went beyond Corypheus, who for so long had been her single focal point of revenge. That such a possibility even existed, for something to be more malevolent than the magister, nearly sent her panic into overdrive once more. Only the residual ache in her palms and the continued burning in her side kept her in the present.

‘I – this –‘. she gasped as her hands were freed, still sore as stared at them in consternation. ‘There is something awful. And, Cullen, he – you didn’t see – I can’t – I can’t –‘.

‘You don’t have to do anything right now. No decisions, nothing. Alright? You’ve had a huge shock this morning.’ Dorian hadn’t moved from her side, merely waiting patiently for her to talk when she was ready.

Or at least she thought that was what he meant. Her world was muffled, her movements slow. She had no idea what she’d sound like if she tried to talk again. One part of her mind was frantically screaming at her to behave normally, that they’d know and stop her again.

The rest of her brain, however, was stuck in a loop of endless nightmares, Cullen’s suffering and devastation the centre of each one. Her numerous enemies circled and danced, whispering their promises of eternal chaos should she refuse to submit.

‘I – this – something is wrong!’ she managed to cry out, shaking violently as her stomach clenched tight from fear. ‘I can’t – I don’t know what!’

‘Lea, listen to me.’ Dorian’s smooth tone hid his concern, Lea unable to recognise anything save the poisoned thoughts permeating through her being. ‘I am going to help you up. Then we’re going to walk to the bed. You are going to lie next to Cullen and sleep.’

‘No, we have to stop it – there’s something that we have missed! And Cullen – he’s so sad, and I can’t save him and – I think he did – and for me, and if he did, then it’s my fault!’ She stared at Dorian blindly as she pulled hard on one side of her hair, flinching at the sharp pain. ‘How did we live? Where did she go?’

Pain was good. She pulled again, feeling her thoughts focus for a split second before abruptly releasing the thick strands.

‘Why don’t we go somewhere you can tell me more about it? Cullen is not going to be sad if you are next to him, after all. He’d hate it if something bad happened to your hair too.’

The soft, persuasive voice was right. If she could feel Cullen she could make it better. Somehow she staggered to her feet, almost fainting at the blood shifted rapidly in her body. Blindly, she stumbled forward, only to have her arm caught by a strong grip, preventing her from falling flat on her face.

‘Let me escort you. Just like old times wouldn’t you say?’ Dorian tucked her arm into his and propelled her forwards back into her room, seating her firmly on the bed. ‘Drink this for me, please. It will help take the hurt away.’

‘Hurt? But I…’

She wanted to explain to Dorian what was wrong but the words wouldn’t form. Belatedly, she realised she couldn’t speak at all. Her teeth were chattering too hard as her body shook uncontrollably. She bit her tongue hard as she tried to make a sound, the only result being a sharp taste, a yelp and tears springing to her eyes. As she obediently held her hand out to accept the bottle, she nearly spilled it all over the sheets, her hand was trembling so badly.

Somehow she forced the contents down her throat, the vial sliding out of her fingers and smashing onto the floor. Lea was there and not there, watching the world move around her yet unable to take an active part. Dorian was tidying papers away from the bed, papers she knew she had to do something important with, but she couldn’t articulate what. Cullen’s large, slumbering form was right next to her but she was immobile, unable to reach out and take his hand as she so badly wanted to.

She was watching her body be rearranged and shifted around from above, detachedly observing each wail and each cry of anguish as if they belonged to someone else. It wasn’t Lea being tucked in next to her Commander, it was a shell of a body, cold and lifeless in its unresponsiveness.

‘There we go, under the covers now.’ Now she was in bed next to Cullen, his gentle snores strangely soothing some of the crushing anxiety away as her vision partially returned. ‘We will discuss everything later, Lea, I promise. But for now, just rest. There’s nothing you need to worry about.’

_Sleeping draught….that’s why….._

Automatically she’d snuggled up to Cullen once more, barely able to move as she felt her body get heavier and heavier. Thoughts had lost all their meaning as she entwined her fingers with his. Her eyes were already closed, hearing Dorian say something further but unable to distinguish one sound from another.

_But…they need to….know…._

As the potion took effect, Lea drifted off into blessed darkness. Her final, frantic thoughts of the death and devastation that still awaited them vanished, along with her urgent need to warn them all of the danger that lurked within as oblivion claimed her at last.


	99. No Ordinary Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I received back another unbelievable Cullen portrait from Gerry Arthur last week. Rather than publish the picture straight away I decided to write the next chapter around the inspiration it gave me as a special Christmas thank you to all of you wonderful people who are following Cullen and Lea's adventures through Thedas. Elements of this chapter were also inspired by the utterly gorgeous art too. It is something new for me to try but it was fantastic!
> 
> The text is currently with my beta reader who has kindly given up part of her Christmas Eve, and then, if Gerry is up and doesn't mind uploading the picture to DeviantArt in the morning I hope to have a very special chapter to share with you all complete with Cullen art. It incorporates the story I was going to tell but also the artist's ideas as he was painting. I am very excited about it :) 
> 
> Merry Christmas to you all in the meantime, wherever you are in the world :) I hope you all enjoy a wonderful day with your loved ones. And, as ever, happy reading!

_Maker sent, surely it must be….._

It had materialised out of the shimmery white haze, a lush copse of greenery surrounding the one thing she’d been searching forever for. Demented from the need to slake her thirst, Lea had staggered blindly towards the only salvation on offer. The red lyrium was burning through her blood, the only power left to propel her forwards as shifting sand clogged her every laboured step. It seemed so near and so far away, a vicious trick of her fevered imagination until she was slumped on a grassy bank, surrounded by the blessed shade of the palm trees.

_Drink, I must drink…..I can’t move my hands…_

She was kneeling by the oasis in the desert, the fresh, the sparkling water inviting her to cup her hands and taste its lifegiving nectar. The only flaw in her plan was her hands’ refusal to move, leaving her with no other option but to plunge her whole face into the shadowy blue depths. It felt surprisingly, blissfully cool, given the heat of the midday sun that was cooking her in her leather armour.

_No! What? How can this be! It’s right here….._

Even as the drops filtered into her mouth, there was still nothing there. She was thrashing wildly as she panicked, only grit jarring under her fingernails as she scrabbled frantically in a grey dustbowl. Sweat was dripping from every pore, her hair plastered to her forehead as she started to panic, suddenly wading through a sluggish flow of molten red lyrium.

There was nothing for her to do but run for her life.

Her legs refused to work, her skin burned to the bone by the molten poison splashing around her calves. She’d never know pain like it, the Blight-tainted worms burrowing under her skin and worming into her heart all whilst she fled through a world of sickly crimson and green. Bodies were everywhere, metallic voices of misery imploring her to save them from the deadly crystals protruding from their stomachs, arms, ears – wherever the evil substance had claimed its foothold.

It was a universe where there was no respite from the despair Corypheus’ reign promised. No matter which way she turned demons poured from multiple rifts, the very fabric of life torn beyond redemption. Trying to ignite the green fire in an attempt to halt the lunacy, she stared down at her left palm in shock as she searched desperately inside her soul for the alien magic that had abruptly vanished.

It was all to no avail, Lea left with nothing as the ground crumbled beneath her feet whilst grotesque creatures of the Fade encroached ever closer. Their steady, menacing advance crowded her space and left her claustrophobic, even her magic failing her as she spun round in a circle, enemies approaching from all sides rendering any resistance she could put up futile.

‘You are nothing without that which you stole from me, Inquisitor. Pathetic, like all your miserable kind. Even now, I can destroy your sanity with a mere thought.’

The harsh, gravelly voice, the one constant companion through her red lyrium-induced madness – it had returned with force since she’d been infected once more. Night after night this last week, destruction and mayhem had been all she’d witnessed the moment she’d closed her eyes, fear threatening to choke her as she battled to free herself from the chains of chaos she’d only just managed to escape before.

‘That old gripe of yours again? It was beyond tedious to listen to for all those months and it’s beyond tedious now,’ she ground out, her nails digging rivets into her palms, deliberately focussing on where she’d cut them open earlier. ‘I will not become your plaything, Corypheus. Not now, not ever. Find a different tune to sing. I will not be lured by that promise ever again. ’

The demons had momentarily stopped their menacing advance, pausing as they leered at her, limbs flailing and grotesque faces grinning at her terror. Rasping breaths from a million types of wrongness assailed her ears as she sank to her knees in the last tiny space of earth she could claim as her own, Lea closing her eyes and focussing on nothing but the clarity only pain could bring.

‘Such pleasure it will give me, to have your Commander rise to power as my General.’ Her instinctive gasp of horror at the mention of Cullen’s fate was met by mocking laughter, almost manic in its intensity. ‘Oh indeed, you have made my life so easy with your efficiency. Not only have you removed the liability Samson had become, you’ve kindly provided me with a far more effective replacement. Even now, as we engage in this pointless debate you insist on, his body embraces the power that he’s craved for so long – power that only red lyrium can provide.’

‘Lies!’ She spat out her defiance, blood and mucus flying from her mouth where teeth had broken through her lip, the shards of agony spiking her brain the only thing preventing Lea descending into Corypheus’ pit of insanity. ‘His body rejects it – just as mine did too! You’ll have to do better than that!’

Hot, wet stickiness dripped through clenched fingers as she furrowed even deeper into the torn skin, the dull press of bone against nails an absent reminder to maintain her brutal momentum. The hurt told her she could feel, that she was alive – the last weapon Lea had available to her against her mind slipping forever into a realm of shadows and delusions from which she could never return.

‘It’s not too late to save him, Leaena.’ Corypheus switched tack from cruel to persuasive, all the months spent in her mind leaving each and every one of her weaknesses exposed to the one monster she had to defeat. ‘Return the magic which is rightly mine. I won’t need Cullen if I have you – he can go free.’

_Just as you know my fatal flaws, so I know yours._

She staggered to her feet, the array of monsters before her suddenly vanishing as she nonchalantly waved a hand in the air, heedless of the blood spattering her face. The searing chill from the Fade hit the gaping wounds on her hand, Lea instead exulting in the burning agony that left her with no room for any other emotions but retribution and revenge.

‘My Commander is certainly in demand, and I can well understand why.’ Her casual dismissal of Corypheus’ taunting was met with a snarl of frustration, her bloody smile widening as each word hit their mark. ‘No General, no army, no vessel for the Well of Sorrows – nothing! All thanks to a certain ex-Templar who is as much to congratulate for the Inquisition’s success as this ignorant Herald who put a stop to your homicidal intentions with such ease!’

‘Of course. A Commander who can’t function without lyrium. An Inquisitor who is nothing without her Commander, the survival of whole nations hanging in the balance on that flawed dynamic alone.’ Corypheus’s voice was quietly seductive through the empty void of the Fade, Lea beginning to shiver from the malice of his words and the fever she’d yet to recover from. ‘How very poetic of you, to bring love into this little equation of ours. Look at the caricature you’ve become, barely able to think even now unless you destroy yourself in the process. What will you do, when he finally succumbs to the dementia lyrium promises to bring? Will you grant him mercy, I wonder? Will you try and maintain his broken mind somehow, delaying the inevitable? Or will you find a way to die, together? Your yearning for that which was never meant to be will be your undoing. One way or another, you’ve killed him, Inquisitor.’

‘Stop it! Fucking well stop it!’ she shrieked, banging her fists against her head, her nails gouging out more skin from her palms as blood spurted into her eyes, momentarily blinding her. ‘This is the Fade! None of this is real!’

‘Then why are we even having this conversation?’ Corypheus was insistent, slimy tentacles slithering through her brain, dissecting her innermost fears and desires and warping them to his purpose. ‘If you didn’t believe it, then how do I know? There’s only one way you can truly put an end to this, and see him live. By joining me.’

‘Never!’ she screamed, her lungs burning as she flung the full force of her rejection back. ‘Deceit and twisted half-truths are all you have to offer! I am done with this conversation. Get the fuck out of my head!’

Somehow, she wrenched her conscience free, the cruel laughter still dogging her as she hurtled back into reality. Corypheus had ignited the latent terror she’d never managed to shake free from, dark questions that she’d refused to address now feeding the paranoia that influenced her every move.

‘…….you need me, Inquisitor……or he dies. The day of reckoning is nigh……..’

Lea sat bolt upright in bed, her mouth wide open as she gasped for air. The room was dark and the sheets tangled round her body, soaked in sweat and her hair stock to her face, covering her eyes. She was trembling, her brain still half stuck in her nightmare, unable to process much else aside from survival – her own intrinsically linked to the man next to her.

The moonlight filtering through the curtains threw just enough light across the bed to see Cullen curled up and asleep, undisturbed despite her frenetic movements. His wellbeing was the only thing she had to be sure of, her need to escape overriding almost every other instinct save Cullen’s continued survival.

_He must never know._

Struggling to breathe, she staggered out of the bed, barely avoiding collapsing on the floor as her nails clawed at her scalp, dragging the unruly, damp strands away from her face as she tied it into a tight bun. A million stabbing needles had taken up residence in her throat, making it impossible for her to swallow without wanting to cry. Not that Lea could anyway, given her tongue refused to operate given the dryness of her mouth. The water she poured out was spilling over the glass, half of it gushing over her face as she managed to force some down, wincing as muscles agitated the swollen glands in her neck.

Unable to stand the sensation of anything on her body, Lea rapidly stripped off the filthy shirt and trousers she’d passed out in earlier. Completely naked and battling against the close atmosphere in her chambers, she slipped out to the balcony into the freezing dawn air, a last attempt to purge the corruption of red lyrium from her spirit.

Resting her forehead against her fists for a moment, she quickly dropped them, staring down at her unmarked hands in consternation. Skin had been tearing under her nails, the blood pumping from her self-inflicted wounds flowing between the valley of her breasts as she’d scraped her cheeks relentlessly, over and over again.

Now, there was nothing but the usual scars and calluses, caused by years of combat and the remnants of Samson’s torture. Her cheeks were smooth and unlined, showing no signs of the ravaging she’d inflicted on herself.

‘It felt so real. So much more than last time. He reaches me through the red lyrium still.’ The puff of frost from her words obscured her hands that bore no resemblance to the shredded mess she’d made. ‘But why? What does he hope to gain?’

She walked over to the balcony’s edge, her mind racing as she fought to decipher the meaning of Corypheus’ latest unwelcome invasion of her mind. The mountains held no answers for her as she stood wavering, breathing deeply in and out as she forced the ever-present nausea away. Only the lingering memory of physical torment and the noxious stench of the crimson crystals remained with her, Lea knowing all too well in the scramble of her thoughts that she’d yet again harmed herself as a tool to focus her mind.

_And now, someone else knows._

This was the first time Lea had to herself since Cullen had awoken once more. There had been no chance to process the impact of the last few weeks, the devastation and responsibility she held for his suffering something she’d never be able to come to terms with. Instead, she’d been plunged straight into a welter of emotions that she’d had no protection from.

The result had seen her drugged and put to bed by one of her dearest friends – one who had witnessed her ultimate shame.

Cullen had been in no shape to hold a rational conversation, let alone support her in the manner which she’d taken so much for granted. The idea that he’d find out just how she’d managed to survive, time and time again with pain the last weapon in her arsenal, bought the nausea and self-loathing roaring back.

‘How else could I beat Samson in his lair? It was the only choice.’ Her haunted whisper drifted around her conscience, knowing she was on a path of no return. ‘Even before. I never did it often, my last safety net when all else around me was madness. Will he give me away? He stopped me before – right when I needed to continue – I needed to feel something…..’

Her one security mechanism, her failsafe method, had been rudely interrupted by her friend, only to repeat itself again in her nightmare as her mind worked through her trauma the only way she knew how. To meet torture with torture, to remove the distractions, blazing agony purifying her mind and concentrating her will as nothing else could. Pain gave her control, even now, the stands of hair pulled so hard against her forehead, tears were pooling in her eyes yet keeping her rational at the same time.

‘And with control comes purpose,’ she muttered grimly, clenching and flexing her fists in anticipation of the last remaining battle. ‘He is coming for me. Soon. There can be no other meaning behind a visitation that would have cost him so much energy. I cannot falter now. Whatever it takes, I will see this through.’

That she was afire with fever, her severe injuries not healing properly, were irrelevant. Lea was in the unenviable position of being the only person able to deal with the delusional magister still at large, threatening everything she held dear. Her fear, that Cullen had indeed decided to resume lyrium, Corypheus had exploited to his advantage, her hear writhing in her chest at the mere suggestion alone.

To suggest that Cullen would ever succumb to the madness of its red counterpart, however, was ludicrous.

‘He is stronger than that, far more than you could ever be. You misjudge us yet again.’

In his arrogance, Corypheus merely strengthened her determination to see the Inquisition through to its end goal.

‘Find those who caused the Breach and stop them. That’s all I have to do. You are mine, you bloody bastard. For ruining my life, time and time again? For the untold anguish you have caused to so many? I will make you pay, that I promise. You will never have either of us.’

The sky was gradually changing colour to the east as Lea stood unmoving, embracing the cold as she always had in her hours of darkest distress. Time had become meaningless as her fingers wrapped round the coin dangling from her neck, gradually calming her mind as she emptied her head of nothing but the feel of snowflakes prickling against her skin. Distantly she recalled Satinalia was only a week away, the plummeting temperatures and increasing blizzards reminding her of the upcoming festivities – and another, far more important occasion.

That one thought returned her to a semblance of normality, a rare smile curving her lips. It would be the first time she’d celebrate Cullen’s birthday with him – that special event only just around the corner. Lea let the relief and joy of his awakening filter through her battered soul, providing the nourishing balm she ached for to buffer her against the acid corrosion of regret and despair.

It was too much to hope for peace, but her internal turmoil had settled for now, leaving her able to function.

She’d not wanted the black depression and clawing anxiety she’d awoken with to touch Cullen in any way, only now feeling able to return to his side. Closing the doors as she slipped back inside, absently pulling on a robe, she waved a hand at the dying fire, the crackling flames the only sound as she padded across to the bed.

Unlike hers, his fever had broken, his forehead cool against the back of her hand, Lea pushing the thick curls out of his eyes. The potion had done its job, leaving him in a natural sleep he’d badly needed. She couldn’t remember the last time Cullen had managed a full night’s rest, free of the nightmares from his past. She had no intention of disturbing his slumber, content for once to leave his side and prepare for her return to the Inquisition.

_Thank you for giving me that motivation at least, you fucker._

‘You will be fine here without me. I’ll be back as soon as I can.’ Her lips grazed his cheek as he gave a light snort, making her smile widen in amusement at the sound. ‘Still snoring, just like before, Commander. That’s a good sign and one I won’t interrupt. I must go and see to some matters that will set our future in the right direction, once I’ve burnt off some steam. And when you are better, I shall tell you all about them and wait for you to tell me off for not involving you sooner.’

Sighing wistfully as she stood and moved to her wardrobe, the reluctance to leave him lingered, as it always did. Hastily pulling on some black leather armour over a vest and underwear before she could change her mind, she drank another rejuvenation potion to steady her further. Along with the myriad of matters she needed to handle, Lea was well aware her appearance downstairs, without Cullen, would generate a response she needed to be alert enough to handle. Especially for what she had in mind to do first.

Freshened up and her boots and cloak now on, Lea quickly scribbled a note before reaching for her staff, running her fingers down its cool length before resting its length in her palms. The familiar weight of the wood and metal, the blue fire immediately igniting at her touch – it all helped her remain in the present, to give her focus. She was resolute, intent on ending the madness, for her and Cullen to finally live the lives they’d been thwarted from for so many years. It was all the motivation she now needed to bring Corypheus down and banish him permanently from her mind.

She quietly made her way back to the bedside to look at Cullen’s sleeping face once more, tanned from their weeks in the Arbor Wilds with his usual frown of concentration for once absent. At rest, he looked younger and far more relaxed, slight creases at the corner of his eyes and light lines across his forehead the only sign of the responsibilities and stresses he’d carried without complaint for so many years.

‘You look cute too,’ Lea said softly to the oblivious man before her, her thumb ghosting over the outline of his lips. ‘And remind me to give you some elfroot lotion for this poor, dry skin of yours. Still perfectly kissable though.’

A fact she couldn’t wait to demonstrate as she allowed herself one last, gentle caress of her lips against his.

‘Rest well, my love. If I haven’t guessed incorrectly, Cole should materialise in a minute to keep you company. I wrote a note for you and I shall see you later when you awaken – it won’t take me long to head back, I promise.’

Her feet were like lumps of lead as she hesitantly turned her back on Cullen, pulling her magic close to her in an attempt to hold herself together. She didn’t bother to strap her staff on after she’d secured her gloves, needing the feel of a weapon in her hands to present the image she needed to the waiting Inquisition. There would be no Commander behind her, protecting her from unseen dangers and silently encouraging her to succeed, his mere presence alone lending her the strength she sorely lacked.

As she slowly made her way down the stairs, twin fires of blue and green ignited in her left hand, her staff glowing with a sapphire hue as she allowed her magic to envelop her. Lea might be quaking inside, but she knew how to make an entrance, even to the very few people who would be out and about at this hour.

If there was a task ahead of her that she dreaded more, Lea couldn’t imagine it. She’d rather face Corypheus down than the world beyond her door. Her stomach was tied up in knots, dreading the navigation of even a few metres to the exit. People were locusts, waiting to swarm which would only get worse as the day dragged on. Others would be watching maliciously, intent on exposing her first mistake, the name of the Inquisition being muddied and ridiculed all in the name of the Great Game. Even more would be silently observing, waiting to strike when she was least expecting, spies lurking in their midst no matter how hard Leliana and Cullen tried to prevent such incursions of their security at Skyhold. It was inevitable. But she had to be on her guard, even more so than normal.

_After all we’ve survived? I’m damned if I’m falling to some assassin’s blade._

Squaring her shoulders, she took a deep breath before she opened the door. Just as she removed the wards, she was immediately reassured, Cole’s gentle voice piping up in the background wishing Cullen a good morning. It was impossible for her to explain just how she’d known the spirit would come to relieve her – she was only glad he had given her a few more minutes of privacy before making an appearance.

Pushing the door closed and stepping forward, she took a moment to reset the magical protections, nodding at the guards who were doing all they could to remain impassive. It took a moment for her eyes to adjust to the cavernous space, the glittering candles hanging from the ceiling and cleverly positioned in the candelabras throwing light across the empty tables.

Never had she wished more for Cullen’s protective presence than at that point. Her return to Skyhold this time was so different from her last, where she’d ridden in secure in the safety of his arms. This time they’d crushed an army and slain the General who had so nearly defeated her. Lea could claim no credit for any of their success, aside from saving the life of the man truly responsible. Even then, if she’d not been so foolhardy, he’d be by her side right now, where he belonged.

As she briskly made her way forward, the rap of her boots echoing through the still of the Hall hid her increasing nervousness. Servants were already preparing the hall for the day ahead, Lea smiling and nodding her greeting to those hard-working folk with far more appreciation than she would the idle nobles gathered later. She was met with open-mouthed shock, doing nothing but adding to the tension at the pit of her stomach. Yet Lea refused to let that sway her, determined to present a picture of confidence – as much for herself and the Inquisition.

The huge doors swung open with a blast of ice soothing her face, Lea not missing a step as she marched down to the main courtyard. Her staff was ablaze with a sapphire glow as she held her magic close, the only thing left to comfort her as she began her lonely tour of the fortress.  Her silent, early morning inspection would spread word far faster of hers and Cullen’s return health than any other, allowing her to focus on the two issues never far from her thoughts.

_Fiona. Vivienne. Morrigan._

Three powerful women. Three exceptional mages. One of them fallen, one of them escaped and one of them with knowledge so ancient she’d outstrip everyone else put together, perhaps even Solas.

_Ma falon, what are you?_

Another question Lea had no answers to. That both she and Cullen had turned a blind eye to the sudden display of magic the elf had put on was a forcible reminder to her that she would do literally anything to keep Cullen alive. Solas had saved them both, at what cost to himself Lea had no idea. She didn’t understand it, almost didn’t want to. Someone she counted as her friend had done something to make her trust him more and mistrust him all at the same time, and until she sorted through that particular riot of feeling she would keep her distance.

Her staff twirled absently in her hands as she made her speedy progress towards the training grounds. They were almost deserted, Lea by now able to ignore the looks of disbelief she was getting, from the soldiers still at the fortress. A few formed the start of returning troops from the Wilds, but most had been the reserve left behind to defend the fortress.  

Face Morrigan and Fiona she would – Lea was done putting off the responsibilities her role had bought her, no matter how much she yearned for them to be someone else’s. If she didn’t sort out the mess that she’d created she’d never be free, Vivienne’s disappearance alone proof of just how badly she’d miscalculated, to the detriment of them all.

But first, she had to release the seething mass of energy underneath her skin, spots prickling behind her eyes and her breathing hitched as she fought the traces of red lyrium still battling for dominance in her blood. She would never forget the misery of those long weeks away from Cullen, consumed by a power so intense she was unable to control even the most basic of instincts. Right now, she needed to forget, needed to lose herself in the song of her magic and regain some semblance of herself before she could cope with the insatiable demands of the outside world.

She finally found herself in the middle of the training circle, her staff raised above her head, one blast of ice, then another and another rapidly hitting each target before she shattered each one with precision. Lea hadn’t even bothered to warm up as the adrenaline started to take over. In Cullen’s absence she was too desperate to escape in the only way she knew how without hurting herself more, whipping herself on as her body moved in concert with her strikes, channelling all her rage and despair into each precise blow.

The faces of her enemies was all she could see as she destroyed one dummy after another, thunderclaps of light shooting from her hands and staff in perfect rhythm as she spun, her muscles already straining and sweat stinging her eyes from her efforts. She was tired of the fear, tired of the anguish that never relinquished its grip. Her life had become centred around negativity and doubt and she was heartily sick of it, exorcising her demons the only way she knew how.

Word had spread of the Inquisitor’s return, Lea having blazed a trail of blue and green light in the purple haze of dawn. But she was heedless to the small crowd that was forming, drowning out the sickening notes of the Bight’s call with the purity of her magic’s song. Her spells became more complicated the harder she pushed herself, the focus of her world narrowed down to nothing but the blur of targets before her. Lightning strikes added to the acrid burning smoke from her fireballs, immediately extinguished by sheets of ice. A kaleidoscope of colour danced around her – purple, blue, red and green forming a storm of energy few would dare to penetrate, aside from a hardy few.

 ‘Inquisitor. You might have to leave it there before there’s no training ground left for you to vanquish.’

Lea knew she’d have to return to the real word, yet chose to ignore the dry voice in favour of finishing her sequence. With one final spin as a volley of rift fire shot from her hand, Lea smacked her staff so hard on the ground even she had to balance herself against the minor earthquake she’d caused. Managing not to stagger, her eyes stared critically at the damage she’d wrought as she assessed her handiwork.

‘Practice makes perfect, Seeker. There’s still an ancient Tevinter magister running around Thedas convinced he’s a god. I’d like to be prepared before I see him next.’ She didn’t turn round to look at Cassandra, letting the roar of magic through her veins dissipate instead.

‘No one doubts your abilities. Particularly not when you’ve come close to levelling this half of Skyhold on your own.’ Cassandra’s severity was offset by the merest hint of amusement. ‘You’ll have to ask Cullen to build you a new sparring ring now. I thought he made you a private practice area to avoid this from happening.’

Cassandra’s light tone was a welcome distraction from the ever-prevalent blackness of her despair. She was grateful to the other woman for not probing too deeply into the real reason she’d been busy dismantling that part of the fortress. Welts cut deep into her soul seeped still, her mind flayed over and over again by the recurring visions of Cullen dying at her feet, a world turned to insanity as demons stalked her every step.

It would only end once she reduced those responsible to a bloody, twitching pulp from which there was no return. In the absence of Corypheus himself, she only had the highly unsatisfactory substitute of training dummies to wreak vengeance upon and release the latent anger that she couldn’t subdue.  

‘I have my reasons for training in public. He’ll give me a lecture, there’s no doubt about that. It’s the third one I’ve wrecked. Although I think Dorian still holds the record at five.’

Her breath was cloudy in front of her face, steam rising from her armour as Lea felt the droplets of sweat freeze on her face. She slowly faced Cassandra, snowflakes drifting into her eyes making her blink. They may as well have been having a tankard of ale in the Herald’s Rest, so casual was the tone between them. It was, however, pointless for Lea to hide anything from the shewed midnight eyes that easily saw through her flippancy to the hard truths underneath.

‘No one makes quite an entrance like you,’ Cassandra murmured as they both made their way from the smouldering ruins of the now defunct training area. ‘I must congratulate you. There’s nothing like a blatant display of power to show to your friends and enemies that you’re recovered. If indeed you are.’

_……none made quite the entrance you did……_

_Oh Cassandra, if only you knew the half of it, my friend. You, of all people would appreciate what those words truly means to me._

‘At least I got everyone’s attention,’ Lea replied absently, an unexpected smile lighting her face as her heart soared from the remembered words.

She would never forget Cullen telling her almost exactly the same thing in a tavern so long ago, those provocative words of his the catalyst for the intoxicatingly sensual game they’d taken such pleasure challenging each other with ever since.

That particular conversation had seen them shift from friends to lovers at a speed that took her breath away, the depth and intensity of the romance that evolved over the weeks and months beyond her wildest hopes. In the midst of chaos wrought by war, Templars and mages slaughtering each other in the name of freedom and protection, they had found each other – soulmates still, bridging a divide many thought impossible to achieve.

_And here we are. Broken but together still, alive because of each other. Healing for each other._

_They can never take that away._

It was a minute adjustment, a tiny switch in the back of her mind that had been flicked by Cassandra’s words. Yet the pure pleasure resonating through her now from a cherished memory was all it took to banish the shadows to the furthest reaches of her soul. The abrupt change was night and day, Lea almost stumbling into a tree from the sudden buoyancy of her mood. All she wanted to do was run back to Cullen and kiss him awake so she could tell him just how much he meant to her all over again. The only thing holding her back was the agonising cramping in her side and the fever still firing her skin – a reminder that Cullen too needed the rest she refused to grant herself.

‘There’s more people awake than I’d realised.’ Lea knew there was a small smile lingering on her lips, ready to pull herself out of the crater of self-doubt and recrimination, feeling more confident and relaxed than she had for weeks. ‘It’s good for everyone, to know I am around once more – and by extension that Cullen is improving. We can do a big speech later.’

It was impossible for her to miss the excited chatter, the pointing fingers and whispers. Even half an hour on the training ground at the crack of dawn hadn’t stopped her from drawing quite the crowd.

‘They’re either eager to see the Inquisitor in action or to see her fall flat on her face,’ she quipped as she grabbed her cloak from the ground, pulling it close to her body as a blizzard started to whip at them both out of nowhere. ‘Fortunately I didn’t give the naysayers a chance to mock.’

‘Your optimism and good cheer will stand you in good stead today, Lea,’ Cassandra retorted good-naturedly. ‘I presume your appearance also means you’re feeling up to tackling Inquisition business once more?’

‘I am ready, yes,’ Lea nodded her agreement as they picked their way through the slippery grass now slick with snow, the peace of the cobalt entwined within her telling her all she needed to know. ‘Cullen is sleeping still and I intend on him staying that way as long as possible. Let’s head to the War Room and you and I can make a start at least whilst we wait for the others to join us.’

‘Bull and Varric won’t forgive you for getting them up this early. A quick display of pugilism turned into quite the spectacle, I understand.’ Cassandra’s chuckle showed how pleased she was at the thought of Varric being dragged out of bed at such an ungodly hour. ‘It’s good for them both. I suspect Bull will handle it far better than the dwarf.’

‘We’d better ask the kitchens to kindly send us the usual refreshments, and pray that they can accommodate us at short notice.’ Lea was grinning too at the image Cassandra had just presented her with. ‘If they insist on these evenings with the boys then I have no sympathy. I’m guessing Varric was running the books again?’

‘Not only that but he was even in the ring, I understand. And the amount of kegs that Krem somehow persuaded Cabot to part with almost meant Skyhold was drunk dry……’

As she tailed off, Lea looked around her, aware now why the other woman had stopped talking. Cassandra had correctly hit upon the other reason she had put on such a display. She couldn’t think of a more effective way to announce to Skyhold her intentions, nor her role in them. The time for hesitation had passed, the only way to ensure her life and her future was secure was to take the fight to her adversaries. It was past time to display to her enemies just how ready she was to put an end to their pitiful existence.

‘Another audience? I’m more popular than I realised.’

‘They missed you. They are here for you, their Herald. The one who fell from the Fade, closed the Breach, who led them from the ashes of Haven. The one who returned from the madness of red lyrium, who destroyed Corypheus’s armies and his General. The one who bought their Commander back from the dead. You are a legend to them, Inquisitor.’

Cassandra’s quiet reminder of everything Lea didn’t think she’d achieved at all did not alter the fact that other people did, for some ludicrous reason. The facts didn’t seem to prevent a completely different reality from being spun. Much though she hated it, Lea knew she had to make the most of the opportunity it presented.

On the steps to the Main Hall, she stopped for a moment, Cassandra having fallen silent as she watched Lea survey the scene beneath her. It was exactly the same spot where she’d held a sword aloft to a cheering crowd, welcoming them all to their new home, and the same one where she’d made a triumphant return from Samson’s torture chamber. The audience she had below was somewhat thinner, the hour still early, but no less expectant. They were silent this time as they watched her right back, waiting to see what she would do next.

_Actions speak louder than words._

Without warning, Lea raised her staff in the air with her left hand, blue fire exploding from its tip. It was a more subtle display of her strength than last time, but no less important a reminder to them all that her power was very much still in evidence. With a grim nod, she turned and walked next to Cassandra back into the Main Hall, preparing herself for the discussions ahead, satisfied that she’d given the simple message she needed to the murmuring crowd below. She was here to fight, and this time, here to stay. Lea would run no more.

The Inquisitor had returned.

\-------

There was a dull throb in his side and across his belly, his throat so dry he was fantasising about an unlimited supply of cool, fresh water without actually having to move to drink. Aside from those minor irritants, Cullen was so comfortable he didn’t want to wake up. He was in that phase between awake and sleep, comfortable, warm and relaxed where almost nothing could destroy his bubble of contentment.

Stretching an arm out to pull Leaena closer to him, the sense of wellbeing he’d been enjoying abruptly vanished as he was met with nothing but cold cotton sheets.

‘Leae – Maker save me!’ Sitting bolt upright in a blind panic had immediately turned the dull pain into searing agony, hot knives twisting into the two huge wounds his body had yet to recover from.

‘Oh that’s good. You are awake. I wasn’t sure.’

Still wincing as tears of pain pricked his eyes, half-convinced he had somehow made it back to the horror of the Fade, it took a moment for Cullen to adjust to the dim light of the room. Battling to push aside paranoia and terror so fierce it was threatening to choke him, he instead focussed on the ridiculous sized brim of the brown floppy hat which seemed to float on its own accord at the foot of the bed.

‘Cole, why are you here?’ It took a huge effort to even get those words out, the thirst caused by the sleeping draught even worse now he was fully awake. ‘Where is she?’

Two huge, pale eyes peeped up at him, a wide smile appearing on Cole’s face at the sound of Cullen’s voice. ‘You can speak. But you’re thirsty. She said you would be – well I knew. She didn’t have to say so.’

Cole scampered off the bed, passing Cullen the drink he so desperately craved. Feeling himself return somewhat close to normal as the cool liquid soothed the burning sensation, Cullen took a moment to look around, needing to acclimatise himself to the present. It was just him and Cole, the fire burning merrily in the grate and the late afternoon sun warming the room as tiny particles danced in the golden glow.

Leaena’s desk was as chaotic as it always was, papers, reports and notes strewn all over the surface and floor, even leaving a trail to the bed where more correspondence was piled high on the beside table opposite. Her clothes were in an untidy pile on her side where she’d clearly left in a hurry, the book she’d been reading to him half-buried under the white shirt of his that she’d been wearing. Aside from that, the room was tidy and organised, Leaena’s one weak point the neverending paperwork the Inquisition seemed to effortlessly generate. 

She was nearby, presumably in the War Room, the sapphires winding in his soul radiating a mixture of resolve, anticipation, exhaustion and the hint of something so dark it made him want to weep. She was as traumatised as he, yet still caught in her nightmare whilst he’d walked free, thanks to her determination and a connection so powerful it had saved their lives time and time again.

He closed his eyes, breathing deeply as he sensed a crushing wave of sadness emulate from Leaena that she couldn’t hide, Cullen suddenly aware of the underlying reason for her distress. All that mattered now was reaching her as fast as possible, frantic to reassure her he was alive and restored to her side.

Strangely enough, it was the sight of just how ordinary everything looked that sent the panic back to a bearable level once more. It wouldn’t dissipate completely until he held her close, kissed her and told her how much he loved her over and over again.

But for now, he could cope.

He refused to think on the memories, the terror and devastation that he’d been subjected to. If he opened that particular door in his head right now, Cullen wasn’t convinced he’d ever return to reality.

‘Thank you for the water.’ His eyes fixed on the spirit, determined to have a straightforward conversation with Cole for once. ‘Please – where is Leaena?’

‘Voices, echoing from far yet too near. Bound again, clawing, demanding, the only solution to hurt.’ Cullen started at Cole in horror, the panic he thought he’d wrestled under control surging instantly at those words. ‘Lighter the more it gets dark, safe, secure now she’s found home.’

‘What?’ Shaking his head in confusion from the conflicting statement, Cullen only succeeded in making his headache worse, having no patience for cryptic comments he had no inclination to decipher. ‘Can you just tell me where she is?’

‘Oh. Sorry.’ Cole came out of his trance-like state, fumbling round in his pockets until he produced a crumpled note. ‘The Inquisitor wrote this in a hurry. But she was smiling. I heard her.’

‘You heard – never mind,’ Cullen gave up, rubbing his neck in a futile effort to remove the ever-present tension as he accepted the proffered letter. ‘Thank you. Why are you here anyway?’

‘She didn’t want to leave. She was frightened she’d draw the demons to you but she wanted you to know this isn’t the Fade. So I said I’d help. I would know, after all.’ Cole beamed cheerfully at him, Cullen resigning himself to the fact he’d get no further information on that score. ‘She’s with the others. They all met earlier, but then most went away again.’

‘So she’s just with Leliana and Josephine? That makes sense. I’d better go and join them.’

He made to move, a sharp hiss of pain escaping him as he struggled to get his legs to support his weight. Cullen leant heavily against the bed, the blood rushing to the tips of his toes having left him lightheaded and dizzy. It was only the light nudging of glass against his hand that made him open his eyes, Cole holding aloft a vial filled with a dark green liquid that he knew would make his first steps back in the real world far easier.

‘Yes, you should. Lea wants you to stay here. But that’s a bad idea. She needs you, just like you need her. The notes – right now they are all wrong. You must tell her everything, so the sapphire sings in harmony once more.’

There was no time for circular conversations – something he was poor enough at navigating at the best of times. Yet for once, he and Cole were in perfect agreement about his immediate actions, Cullen sending a prayer of thanks to the Maker as Solas’ potion immediately took effect. His legs started to work once more as he slowly walked to the centre of the room, the first time he remembered moving since slumping in a mangled heap at Samson’s feet.

‘I appreciate your help, Cole. I can manage now.’ He hated to sound so blunt, yet unable to stop himself in his haste to get out of the blasted prison his mind had become. ‘I promise to go to her, as fast as I can. I just need a few minutes to myself.’

Cole studied him quietly, indecisive until he gave a nod, vanishing suddenly right before Cullen’s eyes. He wasn’t convinced he’d ever get used to Cole’s disappearing act but was past caring, needing peace to force his brain back to a normal space.

‘Uldred marked you, but didn't make you. You stayed you. Never forget.’

The ghostly whisper made him shiver, the chill in the air vanishing as Cole finally left him be. The last few sentences of the strange conversation lingered in his mind, Cullen knowing he would need to apply himself to understanding just what Cole had meant. He already knew what he needed to tell her, the promise he’d made to himself in the Fade at the forefront of his mind.

His days of hiding from the brutal truths of his choices were over, tired of the pain and anguish that had dogged them both for too long. If he never saw Leaena cry again from everything she’d been subjected to it would be too soon. He only wanted was move forward, to find a place of happiness and contentment with the one person who embodied both.

He’d survived a trial by fire, his innermost fears and desires revealed in such minute detail his only option had been to address each one, the ruthless introspection the Fade had subjected him to leaving no room for denial. He’d re-emerged raw, shredded and bleeding, forced to accept himself for who he truly was – the person Leaena loved unconditionally, mistakes, vulnerabilities and all. That one fact alone had been the guiding light in the void of darkness, leading him to freedom and the place he truly belonged.

For the first time, Cullen dared allow himself to hope for something more than the violence, chaos and heartb that had dominated his past.

Heading to the washbasin, he looked down at the parchment held firmly in his grip. It had been a while since he’d seen her firm, bold scrawl, the impatient liveliness of her message running across the page so reflective of Leaena in real life. Pausing to scan the contents before he gave himself a badly-needed wash, he couldn’t stop smiling as the perfect idea began to form.

_Cullen,_

_If you’re reading this then, Andraste be praised, it means you’ve awoken and you’re feeling more yourself. I am sorry I was not there this time as there is nothing more I want to do then kiss you, hug you and then kiss you again, probably for an indecent amount of time._

_Let’s do something just for us if your injuries allow it. We can talk about everything or we can talk about nothing – wouldn’t it be wonderful to spend the day curled up with a book by the fire? Your wish is my command! My day will be yours to order, and every one afterwards if you so wish. We can deal with what we must, or we can suspend reality for a few more hours. I am here for you, whenever you need it._

_That’s why I am not there – I just had to go and get some of this mountain of work out of the way first. I was so restless and you were so peaceful I didn’t want to disturb you. This way we can relax together later, just Cullen and Leaena with no Inquisition demanding our attention._

_Cole is keeping you company as I couldn’t bear the thought of you waking up alone. He also said there was something he had to remind you of, but what that is I have no clue._

_You know where I am though and I do hope you’ll stay put until I am free to join you rather than drag yourself out of bed for no reason. My liberation will come the moment Josephine releases me from signing endless documents which no one else cares about but some slack-jawed comte needing to feel important._

_I can’t wait to see you._

_L_

He stared at the letter once more, letting her sweet words of care and love bathe the inner wounds lying naked and exposed. Despite the severity of her illness and the deep-rooted fear she would make everything worse – her true reason for leaving him that morning – Leaena was doing her utmost to make him feel better.

_Why am I dithering?_

Cullen didn’t think he’d ever washed and dressed faster, barely noticing the weight of the plate he managed to fumble on in his haste to get downstairs. His armour was repaired, the gore and blood a result of the damage he’d dealt Samson a distant memory. It felt good to have the weight of his sword at his hip once more, the blade oiled and freshly sharpened as he tested its edge.

He barely glanced around the room as he hurried down the stairs and absently dispelled the wards on the heavy oak door, nodding absently to the guards on the door as he stepped out into the Main Hall. For a second he was completely thrown, the press of people who stopped and stared at the reincarnated Commander of the Inquisition’s unannounced arrival, sending a ripple of excited murmurs amongst the gathered nobles.

The sheer volume of individuals in the space left him momentarily claustrophobic, the last time he remembered being surrounded by so many people being his own armies in the battlefields of the Arbor Wilds. In his eagerness to reach Leaena, he hadn’t considered the impact of his unconventional return to Skyhold would have – on him or the fortress’ occupants.

‘Shit,’ he muttered under his breath, thinking furiously in an attempt to stem the anxiety that had sprung up from nowhere, scowling in frustration for blundering so blindly out into the Inquisition. ‘Tell Rylen I am not to be disturbed today. I will see him tomorrow. There is urgent business that requires my attention.’

‘Ser!’ the guard managed to reply in what was more of a squeak after having taken one look at Cullen’s thunderous expression.

The few metres it took for him to reach the safety of the next corridor felt like the longest of his life as the chattering nobles mercifully parted before him. Gritting his teeth against the simpering nonsense, he was thankful for the seething irritation that had overridden his underlying confusion and distress. It was as if nothing had changed as he stalked past them all, ignoring each and every last one, that simple, often repeated tactic to avoid their attention proving to be far more steadying than any other course of action.

With an inward sigh of relief he slammed the other door shut, escaping the increasing clamour of noise behind him. It took a few seconds for him to reorientate himself, leaning back against the door, the short, rapid breaths gradually becoming more even. Sweat beaded on the leather from his glove as he rubbed his face, Cullen’s hand trembling slightly as he managed to step forwards once more. The cure for everything that ailed him lay a few feet away, the corridor seemingly stretching for miles with no end no matter how many steps he took towards the War Room.

_War Room….Leaena….._

_The light in her hair, the glow of her skin, my ethereal angel, perfect in every way…._

Her beauty never failed to leave him open-mouthed in admiration, but that night she had transcended into the goddess of his dreams. The mere thought alone of that intensely sensual evening banished the unwelcome panic, the memory a reminder of just how close they’d grown as they celebrated their love in the most intimate manner possible.

It was what they both did, after all, from the moment they’d met – replacing bad thoughts with good, each one a buffer against the age-old hurts they both carried.

A smile of expectation had replaced his frown, his steps lighter as the final door appeared before him, Cullen almost laughing now as he replayed the night in all its hilarious and mind-blowingly carnal detail. They were two things he’d never have paired together, but when his Inquisitor was involved he’d learned to expect the unexpected. Leaena’s eyes glittering with a combination of sated desire and uncontrollable amusement, trying valiantly to suppress her giggles, filled his vision as he unthinkingly stepped through the arch into the War Room.

There were three people there. Or so he assumed. The other two occupants in the room may as well have been part of the furniture for all the notice he gave them, his gaze landing squarely on the one woman he’d been searching for.

_Not just now. My whole life._

_I have never seen anything so wonderful as you._

It wasn’t often Cullen underestimated a situation, but nothing could have prepared him for the impact of seeing Leaena once more. His world was suspended as he greedily absorbed each minute detail, the realisation she was alive and very, very real shattering his residual fears that he was still trapped in the horror of the Fade.

She was in his favourite black leather training armour, faded from months of wear, leaning distractedly against that particular, unforgettable, table. The riot of blonde hair tumbling over her shoulders didn’t quite hide the smudge of ink on her jaw, pearly white teeth catching hold of a full, pink bottom lip as she concentrated on the map. Her head was tilted to one side as she considered a question, exposing the slender arch of her neck – Cullen wanting to do nothing more than remind himself just how smooth that warm ivory skin was under his lips.

He didn’t count the last time they’d spoken, him barely coherent and out of his mind with terror and despair. He’d been convinced he’d died somewhere in the Crossroads, the beautiful spirit soothing him nothing but more torment the Fade had conjured to make him suffer in perpetual torture for every single one of his crimes. The hideous image of Leaena fighting for her life was branded in his brain forever – no matter that the monster in question was dead, fatally wounded by him and slain by her brother. It had all been caused as a result of his weakness, driving her away just when they’d needed each other the most.

It was the commonplace setting that threw him the most, the Inquisitor deep in discussion with her advisors at their daily meeting as they had done for almost a year now. There were no cries of battle and death, no life-threatening urgency threatening to rip them apart. It was just another day, the singing of the Chant in the distance and the sun filtering through the windows, highlighting the yellow creases on the map of Thedas like every other that had preceded it. Or so it appeared on the surface.

No, there was nothing normal about this reunion between them. At all.

Dimly, he wondered whether he should have perhaps waited in her quarters where there wouldn’t have been an audience. He’d not realised just how much the mere sight of Leaena would affect him, rendering him doubly insensible when brilliant blue eyes stared up at him in a mixture of disbelief and pure joy. She had turned chalk white aside from two red dots high on her cheekbones, looking him up and down incredulously, unprepared to see someone she’d saved from death standing before her as if nothing of that magnitude had ever occurred.

‘We were done here anyway weren’t we Josie?’ Leliana’s voice barely registered, Cullen grounded to the spot, unable to move from the doorway. ‘We’ll probably see you tomorrow, Lea. Or maybe not.’

Leaena didn’t reply, her head nodding a fraction the only sign that some sort of noise had filtered through as she visibly swallowed, unable to tear her gaze from his.

‘We were indeed. Um, Cullen…..’ Josephine was suddenly right in front of him, a gentle touch on his arm urging him to move. ‘Leliana and I can’t leave if you’re blocking the door.’

‘Oh…right – sorry,’ he stammered, finding the motivation to shift his legs at the thought of finally being alone with Leaena at last.

‘No problem. It’s good to see you too, Commander.’ This time there was no joking from Leliana as she squeezed his arm on her way out to Josephine’s office.

At least he didn’t think so anyway, no longer caring who was in the room or not. His fleeting acknowledgement of them both had passed already, Cullen’s rapid strides erasing the short distance between him and Leaena, frantic to reassure himself the nightmare was finally over for them both.

Before he knew it she had literally launched herself into his arms as he pulled her close and lifted her to him. Long legs he’d sorely missed had wrapped tightly round his waist, her arms clamped securely round his neck with no intention of ever letting go. Cool fingers were entwined in his hair as long nails teased his neck, the initial impact of such a simple caress making him gasp, his hands tightening their grip in his desperation to draw her warmth even closer to his.

Sunshine, berries and tears of happiness drifted across his senses, the delicate flicker of her soft tongue across his lips making him groan from the pleasure of being able to kiss her so freely once more. The heat of her mouth captured each of his mindless groans with a blissful sigh of her own, the smell of her delicate floral scent, so uniquely Leaena, tantalised his mind and left him desperate for more. Cullen was unable to think of anything else but the heaven it was to taste her once more.

‘It’s you, oh Maker, I missed you!’ Fevered kisses alternating with her teeth grazing his ear were making his head spin, Cullen just managing to make it to the table to sit her down, neither of them relinquishing their hold on the other. ‘Kiss me again, please, I need you….’

Wordlessly he obliged, her last words disappearing into nothing as he marvelled at the softness of her lips under his. Her face was cupped between his palms, his fingers tracing the elegant line of her neck as she met each lingering stroke of his tongue with her own. He was shaking from the force of his emotions, Cullen letting his body and soul show her what words could never convey. He had never felt more alive, the mere sensation of Leaena’s touch alone sending wave after wave of electricity coursing through his heart, his every nerve tingling from the energy blazing from her spirit to his.

‘Cullen, I – Andraste preserve me…’ She sagged against him, her words tailing off as a small moan escaped her.

‘You’ll have to forgive me.’ Cullen had found it necessary to discover all over again just how tantalising the silky skin truly was, his hands gently pushing her hair to one side as he nibbled his way down her neck. ‘Rediscovering this delectable part of your body is a highly important issue I just had to examine further.’

‘And what’s the result?’ He felt the hint of a smile as she nuzzled her face into his shoulder, her breath hitching in response to each graze of his teeth and press of his hot mouth against her rapidly jumping pulse. 

‘I’m only just beginning. There’s so much I’ve missed it will take a lifetime for me to explore. I hope you don’t mind.’ It was such a natural, comforting pattern to fall into, the lighthearted, loving teasing they both enjoyed as he reluctantly left her neck alone to kiss her forehead.

‘Never. I missed you – us – too,’ she whispered softly, not missing the hidden thought behind his words as a delightful blush stained her cheeks. ‘I swore I wasn’t going to get maudlin and here I am, doing exactly that.’

‘My lady, it’s been two weeks I would happily never have experienced ever. It’s going to take us some time for it all to settle.’ Lifting her chin with the tips of his fingers, Cullen lightly smoothed her hair back. ‘But we’re here are we not? We’ll take every day as it comes. How about we just focus on each other today and let the past rest for now?’

Glorious eyes assessed him for a moment, struggling to find a balance between the horrors they’d survived and the exhilaration of the present. He knew there was more work ahead, secrets still held from one another even now that if left to fester could lead to their downfall. Yet that was for later. For now they needed to heal, recover from their most recent battle before they could start to revisit the trauma of the past.

‘Allow me just one thing.’ Her voice shook as she choked the words out, Leaena determined to not ignore her fears any more. ‘That day in the Arbor Wilds – before you left for the Temple? I left you – I shouldn’t have – and – did you?’

He was surprised by her question but she didn’t need to elaborate further, Cullen all too aware of the reason behind her hesitancy. How had he’d found the strength to defeat a monster that no one else could? The clamour of the lyrium had been deafening, that terrible sense of never being enough without it leaving him crippled, weeping and broken as he hid in his tent like a coward. A battle had been raging around him and all he’d been able to think of was the call of the sickening sweetness that would fire his blood and renew his purpose in a way he thought nothing else could.

‘No.’

He was rewarded with a smile so radiant he nearly lost his balance. It was the one that had replaced the visions of failure, the music of her lilting voice replacing the poisoned blue song. The steady drip of lyrium off the tent’s canvas, spattered everywhere as he’d hurled the vial with force – and as far away from his mouth as he could – would forever be a permanent reminder of just how close he came to ruin. It was a place in his mind he never wanted to visit again.

Leaena’s face was luminous, her eyes glowing with love and pride as she recognised the truth of what he’d wanted to convey in that one word alone. She said nothing for a moment, simply taking his hand and kissing the fingers one by one before enfolding them in her palms.

‘I’m sorry that has been worrying you.’ He felt somewhat foolish for missing her obvious concern, trying to think of some way to reassure her further. ‘It never occurred to me – I mean, that you had been so concerned. Samson was wrong, as he was on so many things. All I needed was you.’

‘It’s alright – don’t feel badly. You’ve told me everything I need to know. I am proud of you Cullen.’ Those simple words made him feel ridiculously happy, feeling heat spreading up his neck at her undeserved praise. ‘We will talk properly another time because, judging by that rather becoming bloom of red on your cheeks, I’m guessing you’d rather change the subject. Shall we commence our afternoon of frivolity instead?’

‘Very well. We can begin with you explaining to me just how you managed to doodle on your jaw. Your letter was just what I needed by the way.’ Dropping a kiss on her nose, Cullen sensed her, both of them needing to live in the now where they, by some miracle, continued to exist.

‘I’m glad you liked it. And would you rather I have ink on my face or smudge the highly important letter Josephine had me write out personally – whilst she dictated? It was more than my life’s worth, to get a thumbprint on that particular document I can assure you.’ She’d not released his waist the whole time they had been talking, resting her head against his stomach as his fingers ran through her hair, chuckling lightly at the scene she’d just described.

‘We’d never have been able to escape, that’s for certain. I presume your efforts met with success.’ The easy talk of Inquisition matters helped them both put their experiences into perspective, another reminder that their lives didn’t have to reflect the chaos of recent events.

‘Of course. Only a few minutes before you arrived, in fact. I knew you were approaching but you were so close already I didn’t realise – oh it doesn’t matter. You’re here.’ Turning her face up to his for a kiss, he was more than happy to oblige, both of them heedless anything but the elation of their reunion.

It was her minute shift of pain that dragged Cullen away from their increasingly heated embrace, Leaena having clearly overdone things earlier. The last thing he wanted was for her to relapse, the red lyrium still visible in her aura a clear indication of just how unwell she was.

‘When we next revisit this table, Inquisitor, I intend for you to be in the very best of health so we can enjoy ourselves properly.’ His murmured words ghosted across her ear were met with a gratifying quiver of desire as she gave a sharp intake of breath. ‘But right now, you aren’t. Will you allow me to take care of you today instead?’  

‘You’re ruining my fun, Commander. Although your alternative sounds divine.’ Leaena’s rueful smile of acknowledgement was cut short as she grimaced in discomfort. ‘So what do you want to do? The possibilities of the War Room providing entertainment just got slashed down to zero. For now anyway.’

‘It did rather didn’t it. You did give me a day off work –‘. A grin spread across his face as her stomach gave a thoroughly un-seductive rumble. ‘Have you eaten today? No, of course not. You’re supposed to take care of yourself for me, not starve.’

‘There wasn’t time!’ she complained weakly, looking sheepish as her stomach growled again. ‘I had to train and then there was so much to do…’

He stopped her disgruntled words with a slow, lingering kiss that almost made him regret his decision to not continue his promised explorations there and then. ‘I have an idea, one that means we can feed ourselves and avoid the vultures in the Main Hall.’

‘I’m all ears. I’ve managed to avoid that particular hazard so far.’ Leaena laced her fingers firmly through his as she eased off the table, nestling against him with a happy sigh.

‘Want to go and raid the kitchen with me? It’s so close to Satinalia there will be spice cookies and maybe some gingerbread. Although you have to eat something more substantial alongside it too. We can sneak back to my quarters and have a picnic upstairs.’ Cullen couldn’t resist a grin at her enthusiastic reaction, suddenly aware this would be the first time they’d enjoy the festivities together. ‘And remind me to arrange a separate path to be constructed so we can dodge the Main Hall. Having to face a barrage of nobles is getting tedious. It shall be my gift to you.’

‘You have the best ideas today, Cullen. That sounds perfect.’ She shot him a mischievous look as they headed off to execute the first part of his plan. ‘Ever the romantic, my Commander. You’ll build me a tunnel? Your choice of Satinalia presents is an interesting one.’

‘I’m wounded. Who says that’s all? There’s a particular poetry book that Cassandra assures me will have you swooning at my feet from one sonnet alone.’

The look of horror that greeted his statement had Cullen laughing properly for the first time since they’d marched to the Arbor Wilds. The dark clouds that had dogged his every movement lifted, the relaxed, teasing banter that came so easily with this incredible lady banishing the last of the Fade-touched fog from his mind.

One day, soon, he would be able to demonstrate to her the depth of his adoration for everything she was and all that she represented. For now, he was content to have her hand clasped in his, laughter in his heart and eyes as they crept through the depths of the fortress like errant children, playing truant for the day.

Her muffled laugh into the fur of his cloak as he dragged her into the shadows, away from an unsuspecting courtier, her whole body quivering with suppressed mirth – it was everything he’d dreamed of and more in the arduous journey back to his life. He was no longer alone, fighting amorphous shadows he didn’t understand, but back in the land of the living. And he had her to thank for it all.


	100. Be My Love - with art by Gerry Arthur

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me the notes today, a few thank yous and explanations to give at the end :) 
> 
> This is the next portrait of Cullen by the ever incredible [Gerry Arthur](http://gerryarthur.deviantart.com/art/Sir-Rutherford-of-Honnleath-580222082) which was my Christmas present this year. I am so excited to share it with you all. I had to write a chapter to match, I was so moved by the expression on Cullen's face and the look in his eyes (I cried!). The portrait is all I could have hoped for and more (he looks so beautiful!!). 
> 
> The link to Tumblr for anyone who wants it is [here](http://demonicdivas.tumblr.com/post/135931683116/cullen-rutherford-by-the-incredible-gerry-arthur)
> 
> The next commission is of the two of them together which will probably make me cry with happiness too.
> 
> Hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it :) Merry Christmas!

Lea couldn’t remember the last time she’d looked forward to a day more. She’d hardly slept, filled with excitement over the surprises she had in store for Cullen.  It was the first time they’d celebrated Satinalia together and, now that the holiday had finally arrived, she found herself as giddy as all the children who’d been helping Josephine and Sera decorate the Main Hall yesterday evening.

_I needed this, especially after what we’ve been though._

The distraction of the festive season was the perfect antidote for them both. The long weeks of campaigning, combined with the traumatic events that followed, had left Lea and Cullen in sore need of the lighthearted fun only a holiday like Satinalia could provide.

Furthermore, she’d been stunned to discover a side to her Commander she hadn’t realised existed. He’d been involved in almost everything, patiently climbing ladders to hang lights under Josephine’s strict guidance, right through to ensuring small gifts for each member of the Inquisition’s armies were delivered and ensuring he appeared at the numerous parties each division had thrown.

When Leliana had made a jest over his uncharacteristic behaviour, he’d merely smiled and shrugged, mildly stating it reminded him of home and refusing to discuss it further. That there was far more to the story she was well aware, presumably linked to his time in the Fade. Lea knew when not to push, content with appreciating yet another angle to this extraordinary man she’d fallen so deeply in love with.

The path to recovery for them both was a long one, but over the last week they’d made excellent progress. The rate at which red lyrium had departed Cullen’s body was astonishing, Solas declaring there was no longer a trace of contamination within his blood. The same couldn’t be said for her, but compared to where she’d been she couldn’t complain. Her injuries were healing faster, no longer causing her pain whilst even the hated crimson corruption had largely left her system.

Especially today, that was as much as she could ask for. Lea had resolved to put the shadows of the past behind her, fed up of the sadness and anguish. The choice was hers – live her life to the full or be permanently afraid, exactly what her enemies wanted. Her decision had been easy, refusing to give them such control over all she held dear.

They were baby steps, each day bringing a different set of challenges but this was a move in the right direction – for them both.

_Thinking of which, I must get on with enjoying my day._

Cullen was still sleeping off the effects of last night’s somewhat boisterous affair with the Chargers, a state of affairs that suited her perfectly. Sneaking across to the hiding spot in her desk drawer, she unearthed his gifts from the mass of paper she’d buried them under, complete with a stocking to hang over the fireplace stuffed full of treats.

Satisfied she had the various brightly wrapped packages in order, Lea padded over to the fireplace, intent on covertly arranging everything to perfection.

‘Oh! When did he –!’ Lea gasped at the glittering parcels under the small pine tree, nearly dropping her own at the unexpected sight.

‘Happy Satinalia, Leaena.’ This time, she did drop one of her bundles, shivering in surprise and delight as two powerful arms appeared round her waist, a pair of lips pressing their warmth against the most sensitive spot on her neck. ‘Those look interesting. Are you going to tell me what you’re carrying?’

‘You’re meant to still be asleep so the Satinalia gift fairy can make an appearance.’ The ticklish sensation of his unshaven jaw rasping along the delicate skin of her nape made concentration impossible. ‘Otherwise she won’t be able to leave your presents for you. Depending on if you’ve been bad or good, that is.’

‘I caught my Satinalia fairy red-handed,’ Cullen murmured, his heavy voice husky from sleep and the ever-present desire smouldering between them. ‘Seeing how sexy she is, I’m assuming I’ve been exceptionally well-behaved this year. Or not, depending on her preference.'

‘Something I fully intend to put to the test – later.’ Lea tilted her head, melting into his body as they shared a lingering kiss.

‘Later? Why not now?’ Lea wasn’t sure why she had to get ready and leave soon as teeth nibbled on her earlobe, Cullen’s voice alone enough to distract her beyond reason.

‘I have to head to the apprentice wing soon, as you well know. The children’s party is today.’ She sighed in a mixture of thwarted frustration and resigned humour as he reluctantly released her. ‘But there’s time to open gifts.’

‘Why are you putting them under the tree when I’m right here?’ Cullen watched her in confusion as she carefully arranged them one by one. ‘I’m only going to move them again in seconds.’

‘Because!’ she exclaimed excitedly as she sat back on her heels to admire her handiwork. ‘It’s part of the fun. You have to go under the tree to get them yourself. It’s not the same otherwise.’

‘Very well.’ Cullen was trying hard to suppress his amusement as he came to stand next to her. ‘It looks lovely. Now what?’

The tree did look lovely, tiny white mage lights flickering around the boughs the same shade as the glow of the candles and fire. Josephine had worked some magic and a huge box containing tinsel and glass balls in a variety of vibrant colours had appeared in her quarters. There had even been an enormous star which Cullen had helped her fix to the top. Both she and the tree were about to topple over from her efforts until she’d been lifted away from danger, thoroughly kissed then firmly told to stay put and watch how it was meant to be done.

‘We admire everything for a minute then we pass out the presents to each other, of course. Or do they do things differently in Ferelden?’

‘Whatever your wish is, my lady, is perfectly fine with me. Haven’t you realised by now that if it makes you happy, I’m happy?’ The teasing note in his voice didn’t hide the intensity in Cullen’s amber eyes, leaving her wits scrambled. ‘If your desire is for gifts to sit under a tree for five seconds before I open them then that is what we will do. Home is where you are. We set our own traditions, Leaena, together.’

‘I – I would like that.’ There was a subtle meaning behind his quiet words which had her heart hammering in her chest, emotions she daren’t put a name to raging fiercely as she tried to compose herself.

Swallowing slightly, she gestured for him to join her as she gazed at the pile of presents in an attempt not to blurt out something that would leave her mortified. Trying to remain normal was a futile effort, given the strength of feeling Cullen was also consumed by, saying nothing as he simply took her hand, holding it lightly as he massaged her palm.

‘There’s more than I was expecting,’ she said softly after a moment, a tremulous attempt at a smile on her face as she forced herself to say something. ‘You’ve been busy.’

‘Don’t you want to take a look? Because what does happen in Ferelden is actually opening presents. Unlike Ostwick, it would appear.’ His light teasing had the desired effect, Lea sticking her tongue out at him as she reached for what looked suspiciously like a scroll.

_But whatever that was between us….I have no idea but I will find out._

‘Very well, I’ll go first, just to prove how wrong that last statement of yours was.’

There followed a highly pleasurable session of opening the carefully selected gifts that they’d both spent months arranging. There were small tokens, Cullen having already opened the bag of peppermints made in Denerim, whilst she’d demolished half a bag of toffee, delivered straight from an old family friend from his days in Honnleath. Then there were more expensive presents. Lea’s library would now almost match that of Dorians’ for rare magical tomes, whilst Cullen’s eyes kept drifting incredulously to a banned Chantry book on warfare he’d never thought he’d see in print.

‘These are magnificent. Their weight is just perfect.’ His hands were still running reverently over the new set of throwing daggers crafted from fadetouched bloodstone Lea had carefully gathered on her travels. ‘And you managed to find a quarry? Cadan will be green with envy next time he sees these. I might even beat him in our next competition.’

‘They’re beauties aren’t they? And yes, in the Exalted Plains, which I refuse to return to.’ Lea reached for one of the last presents under the tree, a small one that she’d not noticed before. ‘Oh, it’s for me again! You’ve spoilt me, Cullen. If it wasn’t so early, we could try some of that Starkaven single malt that even Sebastian struggles to get his hands on…..what’s the matter?’

‘Nothing!’ Cullen had put his presents to one side, rubbing the back of his neck nervously, a bright red flush covering his face and neck. ‘Just – yes, just open it and see what you think.’  

Intrigued, Lea examined the slender rectangular box, soft black velvet covering the outside. It was clearly jewellery of some description, something Cullen had never bought her before for one simple reason. She never wore any aside from sapphire studs and now, the Ferelden silver dangling from its leather strap round her neck. The trinket was worth far more to her than the diamonds sitting in her vault, priceless in a way the other baubles could never hope to achieve.

Hesitantly, she eased open the lid, gasping in delight as she saw what lay underneath – a locket of white gold nestled in between the black silk, attached to a delicate matching chain. Its beauty was in the simplicity of the design, there being no patterns or fancy markings. It didn’t need any, given its contents were what had rendered her speechless. Fitted securely inside were two miniature portraits, one of Cullen on his own and one of the two of them together.

The first was a picture Josephine had demanded they both sit for, grand portraits of all the senior leaders of the Inquisition apparently a pre-requisite for visiting dignitaries to be suitably stupefied by their magnificence. Cullen had, with exceedingly poor grace, donned the Inquisition’s formal attire and then voraciously complained for months afterwards about how he’d been depicted, much to everyone’s entertainment – and the sighs of admiration from men and women alike. He never believed her, but Cullen with the sardonic expression he’d been painted with was one that never failed to make her heart race.

The second was a sketch, one that was quite different and which she’d never seen before – although she knew the artist very well indeed and would find her to thank her at the earliest opportunity for such a precious gift.

Sera had captured her and Cullen unknowingly on the battlements during a rare break, both of them relaxed and happy. She was leaning against him as he looked down with a smile of pleasure at whatever she’d been saying, his cloak wrapped around them both to protect her from the cold.

It was far less grand than Josephine’s artwork yet one that had as much meaning if not more. Lea realised with a start it was the first time she’d ever seen anything with the two of them together, tears springing to her eyes at this, the most thoughtful present she’d ever received in her life. Turning the locket over in her fingers, her heart constricted tightly in her chest to see a simple engraving on the back she’d at first missed.

_No matter the distance, we will never be far apart._

_C_

‘I don’t – I – well you travel and you said you missed looking me so – there’s a picture or two. I thought you might – Dorian made them small.’ Cullen’s awkward stammer bought her abruptly back to the present. ‘I hope you like it. I don’t have any other pictures of me and the coin will fit on the chain too, which is far prettier than that other thing I arranged in a hurry and –‘.

Cullen’s idea was perhaps a simple gesture to some, but one that meant the world to her. From the moment she forced herself to ride away on yet another mission to fix a crisis no one else seemed able to resolve, an ache of acute sadness would creep into every part of her being. The agonising twist in her chest always left her winded as the secure cobalt presence disappeared, Lea sometimes urging her horse into a gallop with no other reason than a desperate effort to escape the pain.

Her companions knew to let the vicious sting from the initial separation pass, cheering her up with jokes and stories once she was more herself. The nagging sense of loss, however, always lasted right until Skyhold was in view, Lea automatically seeking out the powerful figure standing alone on the battlements, the fur of his cloak ruffled by the wind as he watched for her arrival.

_A part of you, always with me….there is never enough…._

Invariably she’d find a note from Cullen in her bags that never failed to make her smile, the scattering of his belongings she carried an attempt to stem the icy chill of loneliness deep in her soul. Confined by the lack of space, she usually ended up with a shirt or cloak of his, along with the ever-present toffee and whiskey, the Ferelden silver clutched in her fist as sleep eventually claimed her. But nothing was ever enough, his face and voice warming her dreams and leaving her desolate as the cold light of dawn dragged her back to reality.

Just as his actions said more than talk ever could, there was only one thing for her to do. The pure energy that flowed between them as their lips met made her sigh with pleasure, happiness and contentment bubbling over as she reminded herself how blessed she was. Thanks, gratitude and a love so profound flowed from her heart and soul, in awe yet again of how Cullen had made her life so perfectly complete.

‘You like it then? It isn’t much and I hope you don’t think it’s silly.’ He drew her to his lap, smoothing back her hair as he waited anxiously for her response.

‘Cullen, why would I ever complain at having a picture of you to keep me company when I’m gone? I always feel ridiculous when I leave – I can’t explain why but having something of yours around brings you closer.’ She gave him what had to be the most inanest smile as she admired the locket and the beautifully worded engraving once more. ‘I’m not even going to scold Sera for spying on us, because that is the first portrait of us ever. I want more.’

‘Maker’s Breath! Do not put me through that again.’ His mock horror was precluded by a smile, clearly relieved at just how well the gift had been received. ‘Dorian didn’t let me live this down either – quote ‘didn’t know you had it in you’. Am I that bad?’

‘Oh you know Dorian, he just enjoys getting a rise – ‘.Cullen undid the knot around her neck, goosebumps on her skin as his hands deliberately loitered over her neck and collarbone. ‘Th-thank you.’

She had completely forgotten what she’d been going to say, his low chuckle at how easily distracted she’d become returning her wayward mind back to the room. Rapidly she threaded the fine chain through the coin, the two best presents she’d ever received now hanging heavily at the end of the long necklace. Their weight felt just right, the length long enough for her to take both in her palm if she so wished.

‘How does that feel?’ He looked over her shoulder to where the chill of silver and gold rested in the valley beneath her breasts. ‘I can’t find it in me to disapprove of this view, that’s for certain.’ 

‘It is gorgeous thank you. And I’m not the only one easily distracted,’ she giggled, feeling absurdly blissful as she spied one more present still unopened. ‘You can admire more, _later_. Look, there’s still another gift left.’

‘I fully intend to,’ he replied cheerfully, a cheeky grin on his face as he blatantly admired her cleavage once more. ‘If you weren’t so insistent on treating me, I’d happily show you my appreciation right now. In fact, you know that’s all you have to do don’t you? You in that black scrap of lace is all the present I’ll ever need.’

‘All in good time, Commander. Aren’t you the one always telling me patience is a virtue?’ Laughing as she felt the tinge of red on her cheeks, Lea handed him the final package. ‘Open it. I’m afraid it’s not quite as spectacular a gift as this one, but I think you’ll enjoy it nonetheless.’

‘If it involves you then how could I not?’ he replied, clearly enjoying how much he’d flustered her as he deftly unwrapped the gift, his mouth falling open in amazement. ‘Leaena, this is spectacular!’

In his hands was a chess set, Cullen admiring the craftwork before carefully setting it down as he went to examine the matching pieces. Opening the lid, he let out a shout of laugher as he lifted them out one by one, lining them up in their correct places.

‘This is – this is amazing! Where in the Maker’s name did you have this made? Is that actually a Chevalier – it is!’ He was continuing to laugh as he searched for its counterpart. ‘And there’s the Ferelden army colours……Leaena did you actually get me a Ferelden versus Orlais chess set!’

‘There is this amazing woodcarver in Ostwick and I remember seeing something similar, but Tevinter versus the Qun. So I made a few enquiries and there you are.’ She couldn’t hide her glee at his evident pleasure, Cullen’s face lit with mirth as he studied the two armies facing each other on the board. ‘I thought it might amuse you. Perhaps you should offer Gaspard or Michel a match next time you see them.’

‘I most certainly shall. Although which side Alistair is going to play I have no idea because I refuse to ever pick Orlais.’ He went to kiss her, caught sight of the Ferelden legions as pawns and stated laughing again. ‘I have never seen anything more apt. This is the perfect gift. Thank you, my lady.’

‘I am glad it entertains you – that was my primary intention,’ she returned his smile with a beaming grin of her own. ‘I’ve wept enough tears to flood half of the Marches. There’s been far too much darkness. Today is one for light and promise.’

‘Well said. That is what Satinalia is for –‘.

A bell tolling in the distance cut Cullen off, Leaena giving him a rueful smile as she dragged herself to her feet. ‘Speaking of which, I have apprentices to bake cookies with. I’m sorry to cut this short.’

‘It’s no problem.’ Cullen stood slowly, still in slight discomfort from his injuries. ‘I’ll tidy this away and then I have to see Rylen. There’s reports of rifts and unusual activity with the Avvar in the Frostback Basin that may warrant our attention.’

‘The two of you shouldn’t work so hard. The rest of the fortress is off, after all.’

Folding herself tightly in her cloak, she indulged herself in one last embrace, relishing the heat and strength of the chest she was held firmly against. Cullen’s arms were tight around her waist as she let herself drift off into bliss for a minute or two.

‘Wars do not fight themselves. I’ll come and find you before dinner, I promise. And Leaena?’ Rumpled curls, a lazy smile and a tanned expanse of muscled chest greeted her eyes, her toes curling in her boots as she fought to not gape at how devastatingly handsome he was.

 ‘Yes, Cullen?’ Biting her lip to keep herself from throwing herself back into his arms, Lea heartily wished she didn’t have to leave as she waited for him to speak.

‘I love you. This is the best Satinalia I’ve ever had and it’s all because of you.’ There was again – that certain quality in his voice that never failed to remind her of warm toffee and whiskey voice. Her heart yet again skipped several beats as a legion of butterflies flew round her stomach, the hidden meaning she daren’t put her finger on clearly visible in the molten gold of his eyes.

‘I love you too.’ Joy and adoration were the two emotions overriding any other, her senses filled with Cullen’s woody scent, the coarse hairs on his chest rubbing her nose, both of them laughing as she sneezed. ‘It is the very best. Thank you.’

Lea leant against him for one last time before she left, enfolded in the protection and security only Cullen bought to her life They were both relieved to have this day of peace with each other, away from the usual chaos and turbulence. Tomorrow would come all too quickly, the ever-present danger hanging over them still. But for now, the threat had been banished, both of them intent on enjoying the chance for relaxation with friends and loved ones.

As she headed towards the mage tower, dazed and elated from the perfect morning she’d just had, the only thing on Lea’s mind was wondering just how she’d prevent herself from blurting out her innermost desire. She’d never dared allowed herself to dream, her childish flights of fancy for her dashing knight ruthlessly suppressed over the years as a weakness she couldn’t afford herself to have. The flicker of hope for their future after his recovery from the Fade had now ignited into a flame so bright she couldn’t ignore it any further.

_He’s made every other one come true so far._

_Maybe a husband isn’t such an impossible dream after all….._

\------

‘They’re calling themselves what?’

Cullen stared in irritation at the report Rylen had thrust under his nose, trying not to sneeze from the dust that had gathered in his office after his weeks of absence. The last thing he wanted to deal with right now was another crisis that only the Inquisition seemed able to cope with. A pair of sapphire eyes, dancing with love and desire held all his attention, leaving him ready for once in his life to abandon duty simply for the pleasure of gazing into them once more.

This morning had been one of the most perfect of his existence, her response to the gift he’d felt so foolish about giving her beyond his wildest expectations. Gawking at pictures of himself wasn’t high on his agenda, especially that one, but he’d gritted his teeth and endured it. Dorian had insisted he remain for whatever he’d done to transfer the image from one canvas to another, the opportunity to slip all kinds of not-so-subtle jokes in at the same time the price Cullen had to pay.

Sera had been far easier to convince. When he’d accidentally stumbled across her abandoned sketch book and seen that particular drawing, his heart had nearly stopped. She’d so wonderfully captured that intimate yet relaxed moment between the two of them, and he just knew it would be ideal for Leaena’s present. A romantic soul lurked underneath the elf’s sometimes brittle exterior and when he’d humbly asked for her aid, she’d for once not come back with a sarcastic rejoinder.

_Instead she cocked her head, called me Cully-wully, told me I was ‘alright’, tore out the page and gave it to me straight away._

_I guess I did something right somewhere._

The result had been one ideal morning and one very happy Leaena. He understood what drove her, the small things she did repetitively to hold a part of him near when circumstance drove them apart. If there was even the slightest way of easing the depths of sadness he knew she carried when he wasn’t there, he’d do anything to make it happen.

Cullen had recovered almost fully physically from the battle in the Arbor Wilds, his mind having rapidly caught up once he’d been reunited with Leaena. The deeper wounds still remained, yet he of all people knew just how long it would take before he could fully address exactly what he’d experienced, his life hanging by a thread not the easiest thing to contemplate.

Today was not going to be that day. Just for once he wanted to spend it with her, appreciating the carnival atmosphere that had the whole fortress celebrating for the last few days. He did not want to be lurching from crisis to crisis, the fear that gripped him at the thought of Leaena facing that monster on her own turning his insides to ice at the mere thought.

Cullen wanted to spend Satinalia with Leaena and, for the first time in years, indulge in some of the festive fun that everyone else but him seemed to embrace so easily.

_I’m getting better, though. Thanks to her._

_It is possible to enjoy life, it seems, even after everything we have been through._

That she threw herself so completely into the holiday season had taken him aback, but in the best possible way. Her insistence on presents under the tree had, quite possibly, been one of the most adorable things he’d ever seen her do, Cullen wanting to do nothing but indulge her in every whim just to see the look of delight and excitement on her face once more.

Determined to deal with this latest drama and call it a day, he looked at his second-in-command expectantly, waiting to give the order for whatever would make this nonsense go away.

‘The Jaws of Hakkon, Commander. I’ve told you that twice already.’ Rylen grunted with laughter at Cullen’s grimace. ‘They’re taking potshots at some bunch of researchers from the University of Orlais, and pretty much everyone in the area who’s not ten foot tall and bowing to their Thane. Or in official language, they’re destabilising a critical trade route across the Frostbacks and both Ferelden and Orlais would be in our debt if we could please explore the threat further.’

‘Who have we got in the area?’ Cullen scowled at the map, trying to decide the best course of action. ‘Too many soldiers are still returning from the Arbor Wilds and Trystan is in Val Royeaux again negotiating that mess with the supply cache. We’re stretched thin as it is.’

‘Scout Harding is set to return with the next division. She needs a short break, but she should be able to set off in the next couple of weeks with a small advance squad.’

‘Something exploratory. We don’t want to start another bloody war.’ Cullen scribbled the orders and passed them to Rylen with a nod. ‘There’s not much we can do about it anyway, not with Corypheus still at large. I won’t have the Inquisitor out on missions until we know where the bugger is. Those rifts will have to wait.’

‘Good luck having that conversation,’ Rylen commented dryly at Cullen’s blunt statement. ‘If she thinks she needs to go, she’ll go. Although you at least have different powers of persuasion at your disposal.’

‘My powers of – Maker’s Breath!’ Cullen’s skin flamed as Rylen barked out a laugh at his Commander’s discomposure, knowing the answer to his next question even as the words left his mouth. ‘When is Alistair going to free up his troops to deal with this rather than rely on us?’

‘Rifts makes it our business,’ Rylen replied unthinkingly, diverted away from his favourite activity of needling his commanding officer. ‘Besides, Ferelden and Orlais are too busy trying to decide if they’re ready to take things to the bedroom. Until then both sides won’t budge an inch from their borders. You’ve heard Teagan and Eamon recently. Your problem isn’t Alistair, Commander.’

He then peered suspiciously at Cullen, who was doing a poor job of supressing a grin. ‘Why am I telling you all of this anyway? Or did your brain fall out your ears when Samson whacked you on the head? I thought you were made of sterner stuff.’

‘I saw that Tal Vashoth mage in training the other day – the one who arrived with that company the Chargers recommended,’ Cullen said casually as he reached for that week’s requisition report, choosing not to answer Rylen’s jibe. ‘She and Bull know each other well don’t they? I’ve never seen him look so happy to be in a headlock before. What’s her name again? Kerin?’

‘Keram.’ Rylen’s snarl matched the glower on his face, appearing the moment he’d mentioned her and Bull’s name in the same sentence.

‘You were assigned to their induction weren’t you? How’s she settling in?’ It wasn’t often Cullen was able to get under Rylen’s skin, but when he could it was always worth the wait.

‘Fine.’ Cullen’s lips twitched at the one-word answer, Rylen so far refusing to engage any further on the subject.

‘I didn’t know that trying to outdrink our new recruits was part of their induction.’ Cullen only just managed to suppress his laughter as he watched Rylen shift uncomfortably, his face red and fists clenched as he stared at the floor. ‘Nor giving them a personal tour of the officer’s quarters.’

‘It was late – we – fuck,’ Rylen muttered, unsure whether Cullen was laughing at him or about to bollock him for allowing a non-officer, and a mercenary, into a restricted area of the fortress.

‘Yes, I understand that was the case. So did several others, from what they could hear.’ He was unsure how he’d managed to keep a straight face, particularly at the visible flinch Rylen gave from the obvious trap he’d walked into. ‘Quite the evening you and our latest battle mage indulged in, Knight-Captain. I even received a few impressed compliments on your prowess under the influence, you’ll be delighted to hear. In fact, if you could share your secret with Lieutenant Broody, he’d be most grateful.’

‘Maker’s Balls!’ Rylen spluttered in horror, desperate for the ground to swallow him whole. ‘It was that fucking Qunari dragon juice that makes your brain melt! I wasn’t – I mean I was – and she’s – I was drunk! I didn’t mean – well I did, but not like that!’

‘What did you intend?’ Cullen was enjoying himself, the opportunity to wrong-foot Rylen too good to miss. ‘Apparently several officers were banging on the door to ask you to be quiet. You instead declared your love for the beautiful horned vixen who’d stolen your heart and, apparently, your pants. That must have been a chilly walk back to your room.’

‘You’re a bastard, Cullen. Pot calling the kettle black much?’ Rylen growled, still mortified by the reminder of his drunken escapades, albeit relieved he wasn’t receiving the blistering dressing down he’d expected. ‘And you’re getting soft. A year ago you’d have had me out running round the perimeter of Skyhold fifty times in full plate.’

‘Would I really?’ Cullen grinned unrepentantly at the disgruntled man in front of him – a state of confusion he remembered all too well. ‘Perhaps. This is a far more entertaining way of getting you to sweat. Besides, I’ve made my point. You’re not stupid and you know what a security risk that was. We’ve enough problems with the influx of spies as it is. If you’re going to leap into bed with anyone, do it elsewhere next time and preferably somewhere private.’

‘And if you’re using me as an example let me remind you I, at least made it back to the right quarters, undetected and partially clothed, the lady in question’s reputation still intact.’ He then paused, giving Rylen a considering look. ‘Although, it is very unlike you to lose your head so completely over a woman.’

‘She’s not just any woman. I’ve never met anyone like her –‘, Rylen stopped himself, a look of dismay making Cullen laugh out loud as he correctly interpreted the glazed look in his eyes.

‘Welcome to the club, my friend. The sooner you learn to accept it, the easier, and happier life will be.’

That was the Maker’s honest truth. His life had been empty before Leaena’s arrival, but she’d bought colour and vibrancy to every dark corner that had lain neglected for more years than he cared to remember.

A muffled thump on his door, combined with a childish squeal of glee interrupted them both before Rylen could respond.

‘What in Andraste’s name is that?’ Mystified, Cullen went to the door to look, only to see two children in bright blue apprentice robes scarper off down the opposite end of the battlements, the remnants of a snowball sliding down the wood.

‘It’s an invasion, Commander. Call for reinforcements.’ Rylen’s gruff words were just loud enough to carry to the retreating forms ahead, muffled giggles greeting his words.

_She is near. These must be her apprentices._

Leaena had left him to spend most of the day with the young mages. Some of them had joined the Inquisition from the mage rebellion, whilst others had arrived over the last few months, some parents unsure where to turn aside from the Inquisition for help now that the Circles had dissolved. Units of ex-Templars and mages were posted in Inquisition bases across Southern Thedas, ready to assist with the long journey to Skyhold.

It was a priority of Leaena’s to ensure their transition was as painless as possible. The frightened and confused children, some as young as three or four, were taken in and cared for, regular visits to their families arranged and even paid for out of the Inquisition’s own coffers. She had been fortunate, but both of them had painful memories of others who hadn’t, and the devastating consequences of such brutal actions as a result.

She also, when she had the time, took a class with the younger children on her Winter and rift magic, whilst the older students benefitted from her expertise on translating complex magical theories into practical application, sometimes with Dorian present if he was free. Leaena was now universally adored by each and every one. He’d never paid too much attention before, children being beyond his realm of experience. Leaena opted to have one Templar attend with her so the group would learn to not fear his former colleagues whilst learn to master their magic with their own abilities.

Today was normally the day she’d teach, but being Satinalia she’d opted for a day of rest instead. For some reason, they’d decided to head up here rather than in the kitchens where he thought they’d be. It was freezing cold and the sky heavy with clouds promising more snow, banks of fresh powder already thick across the battlements.

‘Shall we go and ready our troops, Knight-Captain?’ Cullen pulled his cloak near, scratching at his jaw where the fur caught in his stubble, the sight of the two boys running off at the approach of the Commander himself making him chuckle. ‘I recall doing something similar when I was a boy. Our target was the blacksmith, a huge bear of a man who’d roar at us for trying to extinguish his forge with snowballs. I didn’t realise he was joking until years later.’

‘You’re only young once. Got to make the most of it.’ Rylen had returned to his usual taciturn self, albeit one with the air of a man who’d been struck by something completely delightful but alien, with no clue what to do with himself as a result.

‘Very true. My nephew is about to turn two so he’s a few years off being roasted by my sister-in-law for such behaviour.’ Mia and Branson had both written, the former with the shipment of toffee for Leaena, both letters filled with news from home that had reached a place inside him long frozen and only now starting to thaw.

‘Your nephew? I didn’t realise you had siblings until recently, let alone a wee lad in the family.’ Rylen’s blunt reminder of how remiss he’d been as a sibling over the years stung, yet firmed his resolve to change.

‘Just the one. Adrian.’ His boots were crunching in the snow, puffy white clouds appearing where his breath hit the freezing air, the shouts and screams of laughter getting nearer as they made their way closer to where the group were. ‘Although I am sure there will be a new addition to the family soon. Rosalie, my youngest sister, was recently married and she always was good with babies.’

‘Raleigh, my brother, has children. I would like to see them more often, but this sodding war makes it difficult to get away.’

‘We can look at leave when this…..‘

Cullen ground abruptly to a halt as they rounded the corner, his mouth going dry as one fist gripped the handle of his sword in an attempt to hide his shaking hands. Rylen’s wry laugh barely registered as the other man moved away, Cullen’s word faded to nothing as he stared at the idyllic scene before him. He was captivated, his heart beating erratically as every single dream and cherished hope he’d dismissed as the foolhardy dreams of a broken man were suddenly bought vividly to life.

Directly in front of him stood Leaena, white-blonde hair escaping the loose knot at the base of her neck, covered in a light dusting of snow and what appeared, bizarrely enough, to be flour. Skirts the colour of a Satinalia rose were just visible under the black cloth of her cloak, Leaena insisting on dressing in theme with the season. She was flushed from her laughter, alabaster skin tinted pink over her delicate cheekbones, the necklace he’d given her that morning just visible round her throat.

It wasn’t just how adorable she looked, however, with what he saw now was another smudge of flour across the bridge of her nose. Something else entirely had tipped his world upside down.

Leaena was animatedly waving a carrot in the air with one hand whilst balancing a small child on her hip with the other. A little girl, no more than three years old, with huge blue eyes and rosy chubby cheeks gazed trustingly at the beautiful woman who was busy helping her stick the vegetable into the face of a snowman. That important task completed, they were enthusiastically passed pieces of coal by an older boy, Leaena then guiding one tiny hand clutching hold of each lump to give the snowman eyes.

The child was now clapping her hands excitedly at their success, Leaena smoothing the girl’s hair back and adjusting the woolly hat to ensure her ears were protected. These actions were small yet significant, unconsciously nurturing gestures that made children feel loved and secure in this home away from home she’d done her utmost to create.

_How have I have never seen her with children before?_

_She would make a wonderful mother._

From that thought immediately followed another. The only person she’d ever have children with would be him.

Leaena had turned just at that moment, a brilliant smile lighting her face as she caught sight of him, Cullen’s mind having gone blank aside from the implications of what he’d just uttered in his head. The little girl was still in her arms as she walked forward, the two of them looking so comfortable together he found himself unable to breathe, his head spinning from the realisation reverberating through his soul.

‘Cullen!’ She was breathless, the puffs of frosty air in front of her face appearing at a rapid rate as she tripped over her words. ‘The – the class are so pleased you made it. I hope the summons wasn’t too enthusiastic.’

The tumult of emotions he sensed from her were so complex he couldn’t filter one from the other, Leaena experiencing a shock as lifechanging as his own, although he had no idea what. Revelations were tumbling through his mind, their potential so great he couldn’t begin to process their impact, let alone act on them. His eyes hadn’t left hers, words failing him as he tried to find a way to return to some semblance of normal.

_Marry me._

‘Summons?’ he croaked out instead, frantically panicking that, for the second time that day, he’d inadvertently blurted out his need for something so fundamental he’d barely begun to acknowledge it himself.

‘There has been a hive of activity this afternoon as you can see.’ Leaena gestured with her free hand as Cullen sent a silent prayer of thanks to the Maker for preventing him from making a total fool of himself. ‘We have been busy adding to the Inquisition’s archery squadrons. They require your inspection, naturally. Nothing else would do but that the Commander himself come and declare them fit for muster.’

‘Um, yes. Of course. We are always seeking out new recruits to fill our ranks.’

He was surprised at how steady his voice sounded, not to mention that he’d managed to speak in the first place. It was all he could do to not gape at her in blind devotion as he quickly looked around at the numerous lumps of snow, normally sombre children filled with excitement and not a little awe that the Commander of the Inquisition himself had come to visit – just as she’d promised.

The Inquisitor – the most powerful woman in Thedas, marked many believed by Andraste herself, sealer of the Breach, slayer of dragons, maker of empires – had spent her Satinalia afternoon building an army of snowmen just to please the children under her care.

_She’s denied herself as much as I have, for all that we are, all that we were meant to be._

_None of that exists any more._

‘Excellent – and look, Knight-Captain Rylen is here to join in too. What luck children, the Commander and his deputy as well,’ she replied sunnily, gesturing for Rylen to stay as she caught sight of him trying to surreptitiously escape her notice.

Cullen was temporarily hauled from his introspection as he caught the look of horror on Rylen’s face, grinning at his officer’s obvious discomfort as the other man grudgingly headed back towards the little group. Leaena knew all too well of Rylen’s misdemeanour, finding a far more effective way for him to atone than he’d have been able to come up with at short notice.

‘Make sure your archers stand ready! The good Knight-Captain is on hand to assist you with any last-minute adjustments you need to make.’ Leaena’s wide smile only grew as Rylen whitened, suddenly assailed by thousands of questions from the chatter of children that had swarmed around him. ‘We’ve only got about fifteen minutes before we have to go and decorate our gingerbread men.’

‘Gingerbread men?’ Attempting some semblance of conversation, Cullen managed to refocus on the world around him, seeing the snowmen of varying sizes lined up against the wall with makeshift weapons and armour.

‘Yes, you know the ones. Cookies made out of ginger, sugar and flour, cut to look like men. Hence gingerbread men.’ Her gentle teasing made his heart flip, Cullen only just remembering they weren’t alone, stopping himself from leaning her up against the battlements and repeatedly refreshing his memory of just how tantalisingly soft her lips were under his.

Before he could form a coherent response, a light tug on the fur of his cloak made him pause, a miniature hand caught up in the thick pelt insistently pulling him closer. All of a sudden, the girl had twisted in Leaena’s arms, holding out her arms in a silent demand that he carry her instead.

‘I think that’s an order, Commander.’ Leaena’s soft voice penetrated the daze of his brain, staring in disbelief that something so small and delicate would be interested in something as big and clunky as him. ‘Lucy wants a birds-eye view. I can’t blame her. She has good taste, even if she doesn’t talk much.’

‘She does, if she allows you to hold her.’

He’d managed to make his arms work and even speak at the same time, the bundle of cloth and warmth transferred into his arms weighing no more than a feather. Solemn blue eyes met his, Cullen then rewarded with a smile and giggle as Lucy started to play with the collar of his cloak once more.

As a Templar, his whole experience with children had been so negative they’d effectively destroyed any latent dreams he’d harboured of becoming a father. It was, therefore, the oddest sensation, to be holding this small creature who wasn’t at all terrified of him. Or so he assumed, as the little girl nestled into his neck to hide her face from the cold.

‘I think she likes you.’ This time there was no missing the hitch in Leaena’s voice, her arms folded tightly across her chest to hide the tremor he knew would be in her hands.

‘I’d like to think so.’

The yearning he’d bluntly cut off for so many years roared to the surface, dreams he’d buried for too long finally lain bare. The harsh realities of the path he’d chosen put paid to any youthful fantasies of a family of his own, reinforced by the everyday violence and brutality he’d experienced adulthood. Obligation had made for a cold bedpartner, Cullen resigned to an existence without love even after he’d left the Order. His only focus had been to atone, to make some form of repatriation for the multitude of mistakes in his past, something he’d still been focussed on even after Leaena had literally fallen into his life.

It seemed that near death experiences in the Fade had a habit of putting his decisions sharply into perspective.

There were no longer demons tormenting Cullen with a hope long consigned to the ashes. He wanted a wife. He wanted children, to see her belly swell with their growing baby. It was the first time he’d openly admitted this to himself, a heady sensation of relief and exhilaration consuming him as he acknowledged the simple truth at last.

What he did with this astonishing revelation, however, was another matter entirely. It wasn’t something either of them had ever discussed, leaving thoughts of the future to one side as they dealt with the immediacy of the present.

He didn’t know if Leaena even wanted marriage or children, belatedly aware he hadn’t ever asked - too afraid of the answers she could give.

_She might say no._

Giving an internal sigh, he pushed his newfound knowledge and associated fears to one side. He would address it – later, but this time he would. In the meantime, it was Satinalia and the pledge he and Leaena had made that morning to enjoy their day still rang true.

He settled the little girl firmly on one arm, tucking her in under his cloak to protect her from the wind just as he used to with Rosalie all those years ago.

‘Will you help me with this inspection, Lucy? I could do with an expert opinion such as yours.’ Cullen regarded the deep blue eyes with as much solemnity as they regarded him, a firm nod granting him permission to move them towards the rest of the class.

Leanea was walking closely next to them both. She was staring straight ahead, as affected as he was yet maintaining her natural poise and grace whilst he floundered, struggling to form any sensible words at all. As if by unspoken consent, they carried on as normal, both fully aware that something fundamental had shifted between them, yet both unable to articulate quite what that would mean for the future.

_We will talk later, my lady. Enjoy this moment. There is no rush._

‘You are lucky, Commander, to have such able assistance today for this momentous task.’ A slight smile was playing across her lips as she spoke, raising her voice for the benefit of all present. ‘We shall begin now – I believe there are seven new recruits who were deemed acceptable for your consideration….’

There followed a highly amusing quarter of an hour which saw both Cullen and Rylen inspecting carefully every single detail with the snowmen on display. After their initial wariness had worn off, his explanations on weapons and their operation were met with rapturous attention. Leaena was muttering wryly under her breath that she’d never seen them so focussed in her own classes, nor heard them quite so bloodthirsty. After much deliberation, the two warriors and Lucy decided on the winner, whispering the result to Leaena to announce.

‘Well done Luke, Marjorie and Natasha. Your fine soldier has been declared the winner.’ She held up her hands for silence at the ecstatic whoops from the three children, combined with the groans of disappointment for the others slowly died out. ‘Your prize is a whole hour with Knight-Captain Rylen himself on the finer points or archery – a fitting prize for our little troop here. I am sure the Commander will grant you permission to join the soldiers at the main training fields too.’

Cullen choked back a laugh, watching Rylen rapidly rearrange his features from resignation to one of impassiveness as he quietly accepted the second part of his punishment. Leaena had neatly issued a reprimand the former ex Templar would find a challenge in the extreme.

‘Very good. I believe we have another army to decorate now.’ She gestured for him to ease the little girl down to the ground, feeling a hint of something missing as he waved her goodbye. ‘Lucy, my love, why don’t you let the Commander have his cloak back now. Cook has something special for you and the others in the kitchen.’

Leaena clearly had something else in mind for him asides from babysitting duties. Not that it bothered him either way. Cullen would walk through the fires of hell and back if she demanded it. He’d already done it once, after all, and fully intended to tell her the tale.

‘Knight Captain, I would be grateful if you could escort this excitable lot down to the kitchens for me. Commander Cullen has other demands on his time.’ She gave Rylen a winning smile as she waved the children off, promising to visit them later.

The sun was setting and larger flakes of snow were beginning to fall, all the lights of Skyhold glittering in the background, adding to the sense of celebration he hadn’t experienced for many a year. The deafening chatter faded away as the children disappeared down the stairs, Cullen fairly convinced he’d be hearing about the afternoon’s activities from his deputy in excruciating detail at some point soon.

‘It will be a long time before Rylen ever tries Qunari liquor again. That was well done of you.’

‘Object lessons can be delivered in a number of different ways and his misdemeanour was minor in the grand scheme of things. Besides, Keram might be good for him. Mages and Templars.’ Her impish smile had him foolishly grinning back in return, relieved to have her to himself at long last. ‘Where would you be without us?’

The enormity of what he’d concluded earlier hadn’t left him, but Cullen was at least able to converse once more. They were both deliberately avoiding the far deeper emotion that had been stirred earlier, content to do nothing more but bask in each other’s company. Slipping her hand into his, their fingers firmly entwined, they started to slowly make their way back to his office.

There would be time for him to unscramble the riot of possibilities today had uncovered. For now, it was enough just to be with her, on a holiday whose real meaning was only now becoming clear.

_Family, friends, Leaena. Love._

For the first time in his life, Cullen truly had it all.

‘Fishing for compliments again, Leaena? You don’t have to with me, you know. I’m quite prepare to shower you with accolades if that is your heart’s desire.’ He chuckled at she tossed her head in mock dismissal, the stubborn tilt of her chin belying the mirth he could sense her trying to hide. ‘For starters, have I ever told you how fetching you look with flour in your hair and across your nose?’

‘I was baking! With kids!’ she retorted as she self-consciously brushed down her hair. ‘And I’m a terrible cook so I only hope we don’t poison the whole fortress with our efforts later. I promise I’ll tidy myself up before dinner. Josephine will have a fit otherwise.’

‘Oh, I don’t know. You are the Inquisitor after all. I’m sure you could start a whole new trend in Orlais for streaks of butter down your top and skirts. You have a fan club of at least one so far – that’s an unfair advantage you have there, my lady Trevelyan!’ Ice trickled down from underneath his collar as he gasped out loud from the chill, Leaena having conjured up a snowball and hurled it at the back of his neck.

‘You deserved it, Commander. Never mock a lady’s attire. How have you not leant that basic life lesson yet?’ Leaena was openly grinning at him now as she slipped out of his range, her hands now filled with real snow as she packed the powder together, her next volley only narrowly missing his head.

‘Like that is it? I hope you’re ready to lose. No barriers now either.’

Cullen rapidly created his own missiles, Leaena almost bent over double with hysterics as two hit her squarely on her face, spluttering as she sucked ice in by accident. His satisfaction was short-lived as he felt another thud right on his ear, shaking his head in an attempt to remove the water dribbling inside his head. He was made to pay for his hesitation, finding himself eating ice as another ball of snow landed right on his mouth, leaving him gasping and momentarily distracted.

‘Is that all you’ve got Cullen? I’m surprised at you caving so early.’ Leaena’s taunting was negated by her giggles, her hair wet and clogged from a combination of snowflakes and the melting results of his attacks, sticking to the side of her face. ‘Does that mean I win?’

Her cheeks and the tip of her nose were pink from the cold and her exertions, the black of her cloak increasingly covered in white as the weather began to set in. More snow was in her hands as she prepared to doge out of the way, her eyes sparkling with mischief as she celebrated the success of her latest attack.

The worries of the Inquisition were far away, and even the torrent of awakening they’d both experienced earlier was put to one side, instead taking simple pleasure in the lighthearted frivolity of a snowball fight. The pressures of Inquisitor and Commander were a million miles away, the titles stripped away and leaving the people in its place.

In less than a second he’d closed the gap between them, Leaena hardly able to blink as he leant her against the battlement wall. She was startled for all of a split second before melting into the kiss he’d surprised her with. As he’d wanted to do earlier, he took his time to explore her all over again, her low gasp of desire as he caught her bottom lip between his teeth. his tongue then lightly traced their outline leaving him fighting for his own control.

The light touch of her tongue on his had him returning time again to discover the heat of her mouth, his gloved hands protecting the delicate skin on her cheeks as she laced her fingers around his neck. As he pressed his forehead to hers Cullen was murmuring her name with each tender caress of his lips and fingers. Whispered words of love and devotion were met with awe for all they’d managed to survive together, its electric energy sweeping through them both with an intensity that made his eyes burn.

Below them the Inquisition celebrated, yet they remained oblivious to nothing but each other, the thick snowfall enveloping them in their own private universe. Cullen and Leaena had nothing else to do but appreciate the joy and exhilaration that only being with each other could bring. A love so eternal bonded them forever, something not even the threat of death had been able to extinguish.

They’d been pulled apart and repeatedly tested to the very limits – yet they’d survived and emerged stronger, better and even more devoted to one another as a result.

Eventually, they made their way back to reality as the skies turned dark, the heat of Leaena’s body warming his own as they walked arm in arm. They were laughing as they weaved their unsteady way back to her quarters to prepare for the evening’s festivities, looking forward to their first Satinalia with friends and family.

Finally free from the chains of his past, Cullen had found the certainty and purpose that had eluded him for so long. Never had the path forward been so clear, there only being one direction his life could possibly take.

All he had to do now was ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few things to mention:
> 
> The chess set is inspired by the Napoleonic Wars between England and France. The rivalry borne out of the antagonistic history between my homeland and our nearest neighbour is so Ferelden and Orlais, which always makes me laugh when I see it ingame. So, a bit later on in the timeline for Thedas but I liked it as it fits so perfectly - and with one of Cullen's favourite pastimes! These chess sets look so cool too[here](http://www.chesshouse.com/v/news/2007/02/napoleon-theme-chess-set.html) is an example.
> 
> Massive thanks to [Halfblood_Fiend](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Halfblood_Fiend/pseuds/Halfblood_Fiend) for a) taking the time out to read this chapter and b) for lending me her Rylen and Inquisitor Keram for the story. You can read their fantastic story on her AO3, above. It was such fun to write Cullen like this with one of his friends - I need to do it more often!
> 
> The lore around where mage children went now the Circles were no more was a canon which another friend, [PookatheCat](http://archiveofourown.org/users/PookatheCat/pseuds/PookatheCat) came up with as we discussed her story with Alistair and Rori Cousland. Their excellent adventures can also be read on AO3, above.
> 
> I asked Gerry, the artist, for quite a different picture of Cullen from the last, something that captured him in a completely different environment with a totally different expression. The idea behind the painting for Gerry is Cullen in love, but more than that - he's realised something that's made him have an 'oh Maker' moment! For me too, there's a real vulnerability there which you almost never see from our Commander and, as ever, Gerry has captured it all so perfectly. I have no idea how he does it. 
> 
> The timing of the portrait was perfect as I had intended to write about Satinalia. And Maker save me, did these two need a break!
> 
> Finally, the title of this chapter is inspired by the unbelievably beautiful poem, The Passionate Shepherd to his Love by C. Marlowe (1875). It was the first thing I thought of when I saw the portrait. And I like to think, if Cullen ever did surprise Lea by reading her poetry, this would be the one he'd choose (and she'd actually surprise herself and find it the most romantic thing ever!).


	101. Desperate Measures

‘Just so I am clear. You now carry the voices of all Mythal’s servants in your head. We bring down Corypheus’ dragon thereby bringing down Corypehus. And you alone have the means to make this happen. How convenient.’

There was no hiding the mistrust in Lea’s voice, her eyes hard as steel as she demanded answers of the witch in front of her. Morrigan had, in her mind, committed the cardinal sin of abandoning them to Abelas’ minions for what could easily be interpreted as personal gain. Yet even such blatant defiance of the Inquisitor’s orders dwarfed in comparison to opening the eluvian, Lea still firmly convinced that such an act had significantly contributed to Cullen’s suffering rather than coming to his aid as she claimed.

_She does not forgive easily._

The atmosphere was, to Cassandra’s mind, decidedly chilly in the War Room that afternoon, particularly when Leliana’s animosity was included in the mix. The Nightingale had started to bristle the moment Morrigan outlined a hint of the power she’d been gifted by the Well. It was hard for them to comprehend, even for her – and she’d been there, running for her life as Corypheus touched the eluvian, destroying it and saving her, Dorian and Morrigan in the process.

‘As I said, Inquisitor, he will lose the ability to jump from body to body if the dragon is dead. That part of himself held in the beast will die.’ Morrigan sounded impatient, as if talking to a child, clearly wanting to have this meeting over and done with.

_You aren’t the only one._

The level of power and magic that was so casually bandied around by Morrigan left Cassandra feeling decidedly uneasy. Shooting a quick glance at Cullen, she could see his misgivings written all over his face, his posture tense as he unconsciously stood closer to Lea in an attempt to protect her from the evil Morrigan had spoken of.

‘Thank you for your assistance, Lady Morrigan. I believe our course of action is clear.’ Sensitive to the tension both Lea and Leliana felt towards Morrigan, Cullen firmly ended the discussion. ‘We have extra patrols established, Inquisitor, and our engineers are scouring the fortress’s defences for any structural weaknesses we may have missed. Our troops are slowly returning but the bulk of the Inquisition forces are still on the wrong side of the Frostbacks.’

‘We have enough to secure the fortress do we not?’ A distant quality had entered Lea’s voice as she dismissed the previous conversation, walking away from them all deep in thought. ‘I am certain he will come alone. That dragon is no archdemon at least.’

‘There are troops, of course, ample enough to withstand most attacks,’ Cullen agreed hesitantly, as uncertain as Cassandra was as to her sudden change of direction. ‘This is no normal situation, Leaena. A red lyrium powered dragon is just as dangerous and no amount of arrows we point at it will make much difference.’

‘He might hide, build up his strength – ‘.

‘He doesn’t think like a _spy_ , Leliana.’ Morrigan was scathing in her retort, not giving her a chance to respond. ‘Where’s he going to go? A spa retreat in Val Chevin?’

‘The magister has nothing left, his armies scattered! He has no allies, nothing! You are inviting ruin down on us all, enticing him here before we are ready!’ Leliana shouted furiously, forgetting where she was in her underlying anxiety and dislike of the witch. ‘Who knows what power you wield now! Or who’s side you are on?’

‘Ladies, please, this arguing is getting us nowhere!’ Josephine interjected, laying a calming hand on her friend’s arm before she could shout further. ‘We are all allies here!’

It was an argument Cassandra had no intention of involving herself in. Cullen too seemed oblivious to the increasingly heated words flung between the other women – and not just because he had little tolerance for such a discussion. He was instead focussed on Lea, to the exclusion of everything else in the room, the frown etching his forehead the only indication of how worried he was, his eyes never leaving the distracted mage staring sightlessly out the window.

Cassandra wasn’t sure if she’d ever get used to that silent form of communication that flowed continually between them, as disconcerted now as she’d been the first time she’d witnessed the magic at work in Haven. It had taken her months to reconcile the memory of Cullen in Kirkwall to the Cullen standing before her now. For him to love at all, not to mention loving a mage – and with a magical bond between them, of all things – was something he’d not only accepted but embraced. Truly, his transformation had been nothing short of remarkable. But, as for all of them, the journey was far from over.

‘Corypheus comes. For me alone. It will not be long now, a few weeks at most.’

Lea’s soft voice cut through the spiteful bickering behind her, the unwavering certainty underlying her words sending an ominous shiver down Cassandra’s spine.

‘How can you be so certain, Lea?’ She wasn’t sure she wanted the answer, given everything Lea had experienced. ‘Even Lady Morrigan could not pinpoint a time –‘.

‘He told me. In his arrogance, he speaks to me, just like before.’

The room had gone so silent a falling pin would have made more noise, Lea admitting to having their enemy invading her mind yet again – something she’d kept hidden for a month. The last time that had happened, she’d nearly become a red lyrium monster, her power close to surpassing even Corypheus himself. Not to mention the dramatic rescue that had nearly seen her own love risk his life for the sister he adored, or the toll that rescue had taken on their Commander.

A toll he’d paid the price for, time and time again, even now.

‘What do you mean, exactly, Leaena? How does he ‘speak’ to you?’

Even their Commander it seemed, had been unprepared for such a bald statement, his quiet tone one Cassandra recognised with a sinking heart as deadly fury. He’d gripped hold of his sword handle, prepared to attack as if the magister had suddenly materialised in front of him while his eyes had darkened, the killing rage within still unable to mask a pain so acute it made Cassandra wince.

‘As before. I didn’t mention it because I didn’t want to worry you.’ Lea turned to face him, biting her lip so hard a spot of blood appeared, her distress at hurting him so badly clearly evident. ‘You were still sick.’

‘You didn’t want to worry me? I’ve been back for over two weeks now! And, if not me, can I remind you there’s a whole Inner Circle you could have confided in! The lunatic wants your Mark doesn’t he – and the only way he’s going to get that is through breaking you! How could you have kept this silent?’

The pain was still there, this time laced through each syllable falling out of his mouth in a torrent of anger. Cullen was staring at the woman he’d risked life and limb for time and time again as if she were a stranger, disbelieving she would have hidden something so important from them all. From him.

Cassandra shuffled awkwardly, seeing the other three doing the same and wishing they could sneak away. They may as well have not been there, such was the storm of emotion engulfing the Inquisitor and Commander. It was unheard of for either one of them to make such a public display, none of them knowing quite how to respond.

Then again, it was unheard of for Lea to withhold such crucial information from anyone.

‘Can’t you trust me on this? I had my reasons – and I am telling you now.’ Lea was at his side once more, her eyes begging for forgiveness and understanding. ‘I have information – I did this for us. For the Inquisition, so it will be over.’

‘Trust – Maker’s Breath, of course I trust you! I – just……those nightmares…..it makes sense now.’ Cullen belatedly realised where he was, the terror behind the rage clearly visible for a second before he pulled himself together. ‘We can discuss this in more detail later. Will you tell us what information you gathered?’

‘I am sorry for worrying all of you.’ Lea too gave herself a mental shake, only partially returning to the room as the silent exchange she was engaged in with Cullen raged on. ‘Corypheus is weak. It costs him much energy to draw me into the Fade. For every visitation, he expends more power. Let him. He will be severely depleted by the time he faces me. And this time, we shall not falter.’

‘But what does he –.’ Cassandra stuttered to an abrupt halt as Lea held up a hand, evidently not in a mood to divulge more.

‘There is not much to report on. They are the same tricks which I am now alert to. I am not defenceless.’ For some inexplicable reason Lea looked at her hands and nails with a look Cassandra could have sworn was despair before she became resolute once more. ‘There have been maybe five visitations, each one shorter than the last. Cullen is correct. He can still reach the Black City through me, if he can control my mind. He is not going to get that opportunity, however.’

‘He comes soon – he will not hide away. I will be waiting.’ Her gaze swept each and every one of them then, all traces of disorientation gone. ‘We know we have the means to defeat Corypheus at last. For all our differences, you wish him dead as much as I do, Lady Morrigan. Let us meet separately and discuss our strategy. As to the rest, I believe we are done for the day. Cassandra, I must speak with you for a moment, if you will.’

‘A word first, Inquisitor.’

Effectively silenced by Lea’s dismissal and Cullen’s barked order to the Inquisitor herself, Leliana and Morrigan nodded, for once in accord in their eagerness to escape the palatable tension in the room. Cassandra was envious, wishing herself a million miles away from a conversation she had no desire to witness.

Cullen had dragged Lea off for a fuller explanation than she’d refused to give just now, the two of them caught in the fading light of the afternoon sun as he demanded answers. She sighed inwardly as she observed the quiet yet heated debate, the latest piece of gossip coming to her even as she tried to dismiss it.

Both Cullen and Lea attracted speculation wherever they went. The longer their relationship continued, and survived in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds, the wilder the rumours became. People either ignored the absence of rings, were jealous of the seemingly perfect, passionate and loving relationship between the two, or wished to emulate what was whispered to be the love match of the Age between two of the most powerful people in Thedas.  

_Oh the love and passion is there, alright._

_If only they knew the rest. Would they be so keen to invite such tragedy and suffering into their lives that these two have endured?_

The exact wording of the phrase now being bandied around made Cassandra wince, grateful that she was not subject to the level of scrutiny her friends were. Still, her own heartache at missing Trystan was never far away no matter how hard she tried to push it to one side. The Maker had blessed all of them with a chance for happiness in a place they’d least expected. Not her, and certainly not Cullen.

To fall so hard, and so fast in the Commander’s case, had caused them both as much anguish as joy. Probably more, for Cullen, repeatedly forced to witness his soulmate beaten, battered and sometimes broken seemingly beyond repair. How long he could endure being torn apart time and time again was anyone’s guess.

The latter point was top of her list of concerns as she silently tried to avoid detection, yet covertly observe them both at the same time. Cullen’s request for her to watch him for any change in his behaviour still stood – if she suspected for one minute he needed a break she’d force the issue, whether Lea wished it or not.

It was clear to see Lea was desperate to make amends, agonised at having caused the man she’d even abandon the Inquisition for the merest hint of pain. Cullen was doing his best to make sense of her actions yet clearly still in shock on some level at what he’d experienced in the Fade. It had been such a short time in the grand scheme of things since his recovery, and he’d had little chance to process the enormity of everything that he’d survived.

He was almost brittle – wavering between exhilaration at being alive, back desolation at what he’d been subjected to, and detachment as he tried to cope with a reality none of them could even begin to understand.

_One setback could push him away from us._

_Tread carefully, Lea._

A knock on the door took all three of them by surprise, Cassandra grateful for the distraction from her less than cheerful thoughts. The messenger, struck dumb by her appearance, passed the lette over and ran before she had a chance to slam it shot once more.

‘It’s for you, Cullen.’ Brusque in her desire to escape the tense confines of the War Room, she marched over to them both and thrust the note into his hands without ceremony.

With a scowl Cullen tore the missive open, cursing under his breath as he read the contents. ‘I need to go. One of our scouting units has gone missing en route to the Frostback Basin. What are you planning on doing now?’

‘Fiona has yet to return hasn’t she? I was going to speak to her and try to make some sense of this Vivienne mess.’ Shadows passed over Lea’s face as she considered the implications of Vivienne’s disappearance, her mind jumping from one crisis to another. ‘Where the fuck is she! Was the Rite reversed? I’ve got a shit ton of questions, and no answers.’

‘We can’t do anything about that until we have more information.’ The anxiety and tension that had consumed Cullen only moments ago dissipated in the face of Lea’s obvious distress, his sole focus shifting to reassuring her. ‘First things first – we deal with Corypheus. Don’t let her distract you from the Inquisition’s purpose. You know that’s just what she’d want.’

‘You’ve got the answers you need from Morrigan,’ Cassandra added, joining her voice to Cullen’s. ‘There’s nothing else to do but prepare.’

‘Leliana is looking for her. I know she’ll find something soon. It’s just this lack of news – ‘. Lea’s irritated sigh as she looked at them both hid none of her agitation. ‘Dammit I just want this over and done with. We’re sat here like lambs to the fucking slaughter! Can’t I go out and find Corypheus?’

‘Absolutely not.’ Cullen’s point blank refusal met with Cassandra’s adamant shake of her head. ‘No, Leaena, you are not running around half the blasted countryside with not even the fortress walls for protection!’

‘Cullen, I can’t just sit here! You don’t know – I need to make this stop!’ Her frustration was close to boiling over, then halting abruptly as Cullen took her hand, clasping them firmly between his.

‘For me? Please stay? I can’t cope with knowing you’ll be out there with nothing to protect you. I need to know you are safe – now perhaps more than any other time. Don’t – please don’t put me through that again. We’ll find a way to work through the visions he’s sending you, I promise.’

She might as well not have been in the room for all the attention they were paying her. The naked vulnerability in Cullen’s voice had Cassandra wishing she was anywhere but here, loathe to witness such a personal moment. It did, however, have the desired effect, much to her relief. Lea sagged, all the fight gone as she leant into Cullen for what appeared to be a much-needed hug.

‘You are right. Both of you. I’m sorry.’ Her self-depreciating grimace emphasised her words. ‘I am no good at waiting, am I? And shit, just a few days past Satinalia and look at me. It’s like the holiday never existed.’

‘It will be over soon.’ Cullen kissed the top of her head, drawing her close in an intimate gesture that sent Cassandra’s self-pity into overdrive. ‘Who could forget how much fun we had over Satinalia? Between Varric’s abilities, or lack of, to roast a turkey and Josephine’s attempts at recreating those horrendous Antivan cocktails, I’m rather hoping to put last year behind us.’

‘We were lucky to have you to save us, Commander,’ Cassandra said dryly, a smile pulling her lips at the memory of the somewhat chaotic Satinalia feast. ‘I had no idea you were such a dab hand in the kitchen. That roast chicken was one of the best I’ve ever had.’

‘High praise I am not sure I deserve, Seeker,’ he replied with a chuckle. ‘I am just glad we didn’t starve. It was the least I could do. And the gingerbread was surprisingly edible.’

‘Well thank you,’ Lea replied, finally smiling although the doubt in her eyes remained. ‘Besides, I do believe I have to give credit to Rylen. He and the children did all the hard work. We could have feasted on cakes and sweets for days if necessary. No one would have starved at least.’

The light-hearted banter had provided the effect both of them wanted, Lea lifted from the darkness that threatened to overtake her all too frequently these days. Cullen reluctantly released her, gathering his notes together as he prepared to leave.

‘And, happily, we have our fortress back to rights once more so death by gingerbread overdose or Bull’s efforts to poison me with alcohol is thankfully a thing of the past. I for one, am relieved to be back to normal,’ Cullen’s gruff complaints fooling neither of them as Cassandra gave a snort of laughter. ‘I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. I must go – but I shall catch up with you both later. No teasing me behind my back either, thank you. I will know.’

Giving Lea one more swift kiss before he left, Cullen made his way rapidly from the War Room, both of them knowing exactly how much the Commander had thoroughly enjoyed himself during the festivities. Lea’s low laugh as she returned to read her reports was a welcome sound, the Inquisitor seemingly returned to herself once more.

_Her lightning fast changes in mood…..surely that is not normal….._

_They are both coping the only way they know how. Can I ask anything more?_

‘Satinalia is certainly not an event I’m likely to forget in a hurry.’ Amusement and something far more profound was lurking in Lea’s eyes, her dreamy smile speaking volumes for how much attention she was paying to the papers in her hands. ‘To be honest, I can’t remember a better holiday. I am sorry Trystan was absent though. You must have missed him. I did, but that’s hardly the same thing.’

‘I did and I do still. But we all have our duties to bear.’ She refused to dwell on it, feeling a familiar choking in her throat as she remembered just how long he’d been gone for. ‘You can help distract me. How about a drink?’

Remembering Varric’s edict to her, to make Lea open up, she braced herself to find a way to discuss such personal matters without sounding thoroughly awkward. Trystan or Cadan would have been far more effective for this task than she, but they were both away so the mantle had fallen on her shoulders.

_Girl talk, he said._

_Urgh. Why me?_

‘I have some thoughts on the Rite of Tranquillity, Cassandra. Not just for Vivienne, but for those Tranquil who wish to return to themselves.’ Lea’s determination to eradicate the wrongs done to mages over the centuries had not wavered. ‘I know your concerns – I can even see you thinking about it now. But we can’t sit on this. The Inquisition has to do something positive.’

‘It is important,’ Cassandra agreed, frantically trying to think of a way to divert the conversation away from the Inquisition as they walked. ‘But the emotions that mages feel – it can overwhelm them. I do not know if there is a way….’

‘We shall find a way. I am not waiting forever. The choice will always be the Tranquil’s – I would not force this on anyone.  As for handling just how overwhelmed they will feel?’ The hint of bitterness in Lea’s voice couldn’t be disguised as she thought on her own experiences once more. ‘We will support them any way they require. Eventually, they will cope, but we have to start somewhere.’

‘I will pass you the tome to study. We must be clear on what assistance we can provide though, Lea. And be clear on the dangers.’

‘Agreed. That sounds ideal. We can play around with it a little then, although I know mages fail the Seeker process – which warrants further investigating itself. Damn,’ Lea muttered as they made their way through the crowds. ‘How does this just get busier? And why are people so interested in me? Let’s get to the tavern the long route. I don’t want to listen to idle chatter on my lack of fashion sense.’

‘You are the Inquisitor. Especially with Celene dead you’re one of the most influential woman in Thedas.’ Cassandra shook her head in bemusement, Lea normally far more self-aware than this. ‘You seem to be the only person ignoring that fact these days.’

‘The only way I can get through is by pretending the Inquisition doesn’t exist. I don’t care if that’s childish. I don’t want this anymore and the more I look back, the more I realise I never did.’

‘Throwing off the shackles of your parents expectations too?’ Cassandra managed to respond, stunned at the rapid turn of the conversation.

_Even though this is the perfect opening._

‘What is authority, but an illusion? The Mark has nothing to do with it – I could have gone around closing rifts under orders from someone else quite easily.’ A wry shrug accompanied her words. ‘I find it is not a life I am suited to, although it is what I was trained for. Now, I can’t wait for it to be over, so we can move on. I won’t miss all that I cherish being permanently under threat. Or being gossiped about nonstop.’

‘You, or more accurately your life, is the source of entertainment for many. Is it any wonder I decided to forgo such idle luxury?’ Cassandra gave an inward shudder at the mere thought. ‘You too, for that matter. I can’t imagine either of us standing around in splendour all day long.’

‘Blessed Andraste, can you imagine! I did have that option once the Circle fell, but it would have been another form of imprisonment.’ Lea’s sidelong glance showed she understood all too well. ‘And I see that and – well, I understand Cullen’s scorn. And yours. Not all nobles are like that though.’

‘They are not,’ Cassandra agreed, knowing where Lea was headed. ‘Some of us are tolerable at least.’

‘More so than that!’ Lea laughed, a rare sound from her these days as they entered the tavern. ‘Trystan will be relieved to hear you admit it. Now, I’ll get the drinks and you grab us a table. It really has been too long since we caught up.’

Cassandra slid between the benches of a table at the back, her eyes automatically scanning the tavern for any threats. Leliana’s mounting concern on the influx of spies and assassins meant none of them left anything to chance when it came to Lea’s life. She hated it, but she was the only one in Thedas able to fulfil her role – one that had gone well beyond the green Mark on her hand, despite her denials.

Her eyes drifted to where Lea was resting against the bar, smiling as she chatted amiably to the awestruck elf serving her. She was still far too thin, her armour loose and the bones on her jaw and cheeks far more pronounced than they should have been. The red lyrium sickness had yet again wreaked its havoc on both her physical and mental health, nearly crippling her when combined with the mindless fear that had driven her whilst Cullen’s life had hung in the balance. Dorian refused to speak of the afternoon when Cullen had first awakened, but it didn’t take a genius to guess that Lea was battling her own guilt as a result.

Yet somehow she still continued to smile, be gracious and uncomplainingly shoulder far more of the workload than she needed to. She was now merrily chatting to the barhand as if she had nothing else to do aside from enquire after the wellbeing of a servant – normally someone who would have been ignored. It made Cassandra wince to remind herself that she’d once have been in the latter category.

Giving herself a prod, she instead focussed on what she’d have to ask Lea today. She’d have to use the very best of her persuasive tactics and get her to share. For once, she was in agreement with the dwarf, much to her disgust. Something had to be done, and soon.

‘Here we go.’ Lea thumped down two tankards, sliding onto the bench opposite. ‘It feels like an age since I was last in here. When was – oh yes….’

‘I’m glad I missed the rest of that evening.’ Cassandra chuckled, deciding she didn’t want to know why Lea had turned crimson, not missing either the secretive smile playing on her lips. ‘Strip Wicked Grace is not high on my list of favoured activities. I’ve never heard of Cullen losing so spectacularly at anything before. It’s very unlike him.’

‘It is, isn’t it? That thought hadn’t occurred to me until now.’ The gleam in Lea’s eye promised that Cullen would have some questions to answer later. ‘Still it was, um, fun. Something that’s been in short supply recently.’

‘How are you, truthfully? You have been through more than most. I am always here to if you need to offload to someone.’

Varric was right – they needed to talk and perhaps not to each other. Knowing Lea’s notorious reserve, she wasn’t hopeful for a response, but she had to try. Cassandra was, therefore, shocked as Lea stared into her ale blindly, for once letting her guard slip.

‘It has been hideous. Can words describe it? Just as we get to a point of being together, something comes along to rip us to shreds. It’s not me I worry about, but Cullen. I have my own methods of coping – there’s nothing like being the only person for the job to keep you going, no matter how much I am beginning to resent it all. Because if I don’t then everyone dies. I don’t mind most days, I mean, I’d like to see you all live, and Cullen – .‘

The sadness was unmissable in Lea’s voice, even though her words were so quiet Cassandra had to strain to hear them.

‘We – it’s impossible, when I feel what he feels and vice versa. I wouldn’t change it for the world, but when he hurts – I hurt. There’s no turning that off, ever. And right now, he’s so up and down – no matter how hard I try I….he’s normal, acting normal, and he wants to talk but doesn’t know how. I mean, he nearly died, and the Fade! I can’t imagine……’

‘I don’t know how to help him. The only thing he’s mentioned is seeing his life before the Inquisition, the lack of balance and - and I’m scared at what that means. He knows and doesn’t want to make it worse by talking about it. So we tie ourselves up in this ridiculous circle that makes it impossible to break,’ Lea finished miserably, taking such a large gulp of ale she spent the next minute coughing.

_She’s frightened._

_Frightened of losing him to his past, where she can’t reach him._

‘He fulfils his duties as Commander admirably,’ Cassandra said firmly once Lea had recovered. ‘That is not the issue, I know, but I just wanted you to hear it from me. As to what Cullen has lived through - you need to give it time, Lea. He will come round. He’s still working through it all in his own head after all. Yes he’s withdrawn sometimes but that’s understandable. All you can do is wait for him to return. And he will.’

‘I know,’ she sighed heavily, still unconvinced. ‘I don’t want to push him and yet – something has to give, and it can’t be Cullen.’

‘It won’t be,’ Cassandra reassured her, sounding more confident than she felt. ‘He is strong and he will never leave you, Lea.’

The smile Lea gave her then reminded Cassandra just why terribly worded ballads floated around Orlesian taverns. They praised the Maker-sent beauty the Herald of Andraste graced Thedas with, and why Josephine was besieged with suitors pleading for the Inquisitor’s hand in marriage. For a moment all the exhaustion, the fear and the pressure of being Inquisitor were wiped clean, Lea suddenly appearing youthful and glowing with love.

‘No, that I know. Whatever we have to face still – our love is eternal.’ Her smile turned rueful as Lea gave a groan. ‘That was possibly the most dreadful line I’ve ever heard myself say. Don’t tell Trystan, he’ll tell me off for butchering the Common Tongue.’

‘Not just your brother. I dare you to repeat that line to Cullen in front of us all and watch his expression. I would pay good money to see that, in fact.’

The laughter helped break the tension that had been building up in Lea, Cassandra watching her sit back and relax for the first time since before the War Room meeting.

‘It’s quiet tonight,’ Lea murmured. ‘Is there something going on I don’t know about?’

‘Have you not heard of Varric’s latest? He’s taken over an abandoned shed and some arches at the far end of the fortress and somehow turned regular boxing practice into some kind of combat arena complete with alcohol. There’s a fight tonight involving Krem and some foolish Qunari.’

‘Oh that. Josephine mentioned something but I’ve left it for Cullen to check out. Watching two people beat each other to a pulp is something I’ll pass on.’ Lea gave a grin as she mused on the latest fringe activity within Skyhold’s walls. ‘I’m not surprised that Varric’s managed to find a way to make a profit out of people bearing grudges after his latest display. If they’re sorting out their differences in a more formal setting then I can’t complain. Bar brawls are bad for business.’

They both idly looked around the tavern which was slowly filling up with Skyhold’s residents coming to unwind at the end of the day. Lea in particular was watching the elves with an unreadable expression on her face that meant only one thing.

_Trouble._

‘For all that Cullen and Leliana are worried about this influx of spies, I am proud of what we have achieved at Skyhold,’ Lea said thoughtfully, taking another sip of her ale. ‘Look, Cassandra – elves, Qunari, humans and dwarves all working together side by side. When you consider the way elves are viewed across Thedas….I like to think here everyone is viewed as an equal. Cullen has Elven officers and Leliana says some of her best spies are from the Dalish clans.’

‘We are all the same in the Inquisition,’ Cassandra replied carefully, unsure as to where Lea was going. ‘Elves certainly are given better treatment here than in many parts of the world. You are to be commended for that.’

‘Yes, but it isn’t enough, is it? The Chantry has behaved woefully over the centuries. You and I know of the dissonant verses – why was this been allowed to happen? And Celene at Halamshiral! For what! The Maker does not love one race more than another – we are all the same in His eyes. We must do more. The Inquisition cannot perpetuate these injustices. We are in a position to change things – while we have the influence to do so.’

Unprepared for a theological debate in the tavern, Cassandra merely nodded her head, waiting to see what Lea had in mind. She was clearly plotting something, having made no secret of her dislike of the inequalities that existed in Thedosian society. The advent of Corypheus’ imminent death, or so they all hoped, clearly had Lea planning for the aftermath.

‘I will speak with Leliana – her candidacy for Divine is progressing as we expect although you probably know more than I do – .’ Lea flashed her another wry smile. ‘Sorry. Here I am talking about work again and we were meant to be catching up. How are you and Trystan getting on? You hear from him more than me, which is as it should be.’

As usual, there was that constriction in her chest, Cassandra fighting down the desolate hollow that only seemed to be filled when Trystan came home from his travels. She understood now what Cullen had mentioned in an unguarded moment, that he saw Lea wherever he went, reminders of her like ghosts haunting him every second until her return to the fortress.

The same affliction hounded her constantly, hearing Trystan’s merry laughter whispering across her senses, a deep melodic voice murmuring her favourite poems as he enveloped her in his arms from behind, taking her delightedly unawares. Only to be crushed a split second later when she realised he wasn’t there.

‘I miss him too, of course. I suppose I should be grateful he’s only in Val Royaeux and due back soon.’ The mere mention of that particular battleground made her sniff with derision. ‘It could be worse. He’s not hunting down demons or something equally unsavoury.’

‘This is the Emperor’s court you’re referring to, Cassandra. Do you want to change your words?’ Lea gave her an amused look. ‘I’m surprised at you of all people dismissing the vultures of Orlais so easily.’

‘He handles his admirers with somewhat more flair than the Commander. You are both rather famous, after all.’ Cassandra gave a short laugh at Lea’s disgruntlement. ‘You should know this by now. Haven’t you heard the latest?’

‘Latest what?’ Lea asked warily, clutching hold of the tankard as if it were a shield. ‘There’s a reason why Trystan goes to Val Royaeux instead of Cullen or Rylen. So they don’t have to put up with that kind of nonsense.’

‘I thought Josephine might have mentioned it to you by now. Your relationship has become a byword in Orlais. _Destiné à être_ , if I am not mistaken – that is the state of bliss everyone seeks to achieve thanks to you two.’ Cassandra couldn’t help but grin at the look of horror on Lea’s face. ‘You are a trendsetter. How does it feel?’

‘Are you fucking kidding me!’ Lea groaned, thumping her forehead against the table in mock resignation. ‘Why us? It hasn’t stopped any of the other crap either so no, I am not grateful! Cullen is still besieged! Oh Maker, you’re enjoying this, how embarrassing!’

‘Come Lea, it is not that bad. You were just talking about influence after all. This surely is a sign that you’ve finally made it in Orlais.’ Cassandra couldn’t help the smile that had spread across her face at Lea’s woebegone expression. ‘Now you can go ahead and do whatever it is you want. You’ve created your own trend. People will fall at your feet to do your bidding.’

‘You’re being sarcastic I can see it.’ Lea gave her a shrewd glare before returning the grin. ‘I suppose it’s too much to hope that Cullen doesn’t hear of it, although I am absolutely not going to be the one to tell him. And hey, Trystan will return soon and then he can give me the exact details. He should be back in time for Cullen’s birthday too.’

‘It is not long now. It will be nice to have him back – what?’

‘Nice? Cassandra, you are allowed to be happy, you know.’ Lea understood all too well her reserve and where it stemmed from, but refused to let her hide behind her usual mask. ‘At least with me, you don’t have to pretend. There’s no penance you have to pay for having the audacity to fall in love. You can have hope for the future, you know. This won’t go on forever.’

‘I can say the same about you – yes, I can.’ Cassandra gave a small smile, wanting to steer the topic to happier waters. ‘Very well. Let’s work on the assumption we prevail in this fight. You tell me your hopes and I will tell you mine.’

‘Um.’ Lea turned pink once more, caught in a rare fit of nerves as she stammered her response. ‘In the Circle, you don’t allow yourself to dream. So much is prohibited. To meet Cullen was not something I was expecting. To have a relationship – I – I that was all I thought of for ages, to be grateful for. Now, I don’t know – I want more.’

‘You want more?’ Cassandra stared at her in confusion, baffled as to what the problem was. ‘You mean a husband? If you want to get married then ask him. What is the problem? The Circles and their rules for mages and Templars are long gone.’

‘No! I mean, yes – no – I know that!’ Lea squeaked in mortification, her face now in flames. ‘I’ve never – that’s not quite – oh fuck it, how did we get onto this subject?’

‘All I want is to not be apart from Cullen any more, no more missions to solve, no more crises to fix. That’s a priority.’ Her shoulders sagged as she attempted to fortify herself with another gulp of ale. ‘I mean, m-marriage, yes maybe one day but that’s not what I – I mean I don’t know what Cullen – Cullen wants…..urgh, start again Lea! It’s just I am not used to thinking beyond the immediate in terms of my own life. I have never allowed myself to.’

‘It is amazing, that the two of you who are closer than any couple I know still have so much to discover about each other.’ Deciding to take pity on a thoroughly flustered Lea, Cassandra hid her amused smile. ‘Trystan and I will search for the remaining Seekers and rebuild them. I would not be parted from him again either. Nor do I see myself wearing a white dress with a ring on my hand if you were wondering, but your brother has, for once, been reticent on the subject.’

‘Imagine, if you did get married, the wedding you’d have.’ Lea had recovered her composure now the attention had shifted from her personal affairs – a subject it seemed she couldn’t even discuss with Cullen himself. ‘It would be a huge state affair. You’d have to have an enormous dress, a whole procession, the dancing afterward – oh I’m teasing you and you know it! I can’t imagine anything worse either, but that would have been my fate too if not for the gift of my magic. Just without the crown.’

‘Well it might have been. I’m sure your parents would have found a way to marry you into royalty. And no, such a day will never happen in my universe,’ Cassandra laughed, thankful she’d escaped such an eventuality. ‘I shall leave it to other princesses of Nevarra to have that dubious – oh look, it’s that mage.’

They both turned to look at the Qunari woman who’d sauntered into the tavern. it was the same one who had caused Rylen to share far more than he'd intended with his colleagues. She looked impassively over the tall, imposing mage, proud as she inclined her head as regal as a queen to the barhand’s friendly greeting.

‘I heard what you did to Rylen. And Keram’s punishment was to give apprentices training on rift magic with Rylen as the assigned Templar?’ Cassandra looked over to where Keram had gone to sit. ‘There are benefits to the arrangement both of them may yet discover.’

‘Yes, I thought so. Convenient how these matters turn out, isn’t it.’ Lea’s eyes were dancing with mirth, finally looking at ease once more. ‘I have it on good authority that she gave quite the performance and, as a result, he simply can’t stay away…..’

It was a different woman Cassandra was now sat opposite, relaxed, engaged and a million miles away from the harsh, forbidding Inquisitor in the War Room. Cassandra felt nothing but relief that she’d managed to coax her to talk, feeling herself relax, her mission complete. Varric had to deliver, but of that she was confident. The main thing had been to help her friends, slow but steady progress having been made.

Their futures were in the Maker’s hands now. Cassandra could only pray she’d done enough to reverse the tide.

\--------

Afternoon had faded to evening quite some time ago, the bright crisp sunlight rapidly giving way to a blanket of stars, glittering like diamonds in the sky. It was a night for lovers and romance, for whispered seductions and promises of forever, couples enveloping themselves in the velvet black of night.

Or at least it would be, if Varric could find it within him to focus on the latest chapter of Swords and Shields. He had to give the Captain the courtship Cassandra had practically demanded he write after the shock of the Hero’s betrayal. Sentences formed and were summarily dismissed as trash as his brain ticked over the problematic chapter.

Instead of writing here he was, a tankard in one hand as he leant up against the makeshift wooden bar. He idly watched the fight in front of him conclude, knowing he’d wake up with the perfect solution in the morning. Right now, the roar of approval from the crowds made him smirk in satisfaction. Tonight, the drinks would be on him – that was another bet he’d nailed, and in quite spectacular fashion too. His mind was busily engaged on another matter entirely, curious to discover if the Seeker had lived up to her side of the bargain.

Resolving the impossible was seemingly becoming the norm in their lives, after all. They couldn’t cope if the Inquisitor crumbled, especially not right now. Varric knew when people needed to talk. Ever since Dorian had stumbled, ashen-faced out of her quarters, refusing to divulge just what he’d seen, Varric had been quietly planning a much-needed intervention, all of them agreeing it started tonight.

_Don’t fail me on this, Seeker. Girl talk is not something I can do._

_Not sure you can either, but you’re the best we’ve got. You’re the only one she might open up to._

‘I think this calls for a celebration.’ Placing Cassandra’s efforts to one side, he retrieved the cigar from his breast pocket as he gestured to the barhand to give both him and Michel a top-up. ‘Smart bet, Chevalier. Kid’s a bruiser.’

‘You have expensive taste, Varric, but excellent at the same time,’ Michel replied cheerfully as he recognised the cigar’s brand. ‘Gaspard himself can’t get enough of those from Antiva. And thank you. Gambling is not something I undertake lightly, but I was certain of Krem’s victory in that round.’

The two of them had been enjoying the show, Bull’s lieutenant slowly but steadily decimating a Qunari mercenary unwise enough to taunt the Charger over his abilities, or apparent lack of. The result had been an exemplary show of hand-to-hand combat till the other, bigger man could barely breathe, collapsed still in an ignoble heap on the dusty floor as Krem wearily raised his bloodied fists in triumph.

The roughly erected sparring ring they’d set up a couple of weeks ago was now frequented regularly by both men and women looking for a more formalised setting to fight, Varric busy drawing up a regular schedule of bouts, some amicable, some contentious. It all ended the same way though – fights in the ranks contained to the formality of the ring rather than in the barracks or tavern. It was busy tonight, the promise of the challenge Krem had hurled back at the Qunari, combined with a new shipment of honeyed mead, proving too great a lure for most to miss.

‘Gambling’s a relaxing pastime. You should do it more often.’ Varric murmured, taking an appreciative mouthful of his ale before returning with a contented sigh to his cigar. ‘Andraste’s holy ass, this is good! I’ve never tasted this before. Where does it come from?’

‘An old Marcher brewery,’ the gruff voice next to him confirmed, Blackwall giving him a quizzical look. ‘Family-owned, small affair from the north. Thought you would have heard of it.’

‘The back and beyond is not my scope of expertise.’ The less the better, preferably, although life never seemed to work out that way.

‘Really, Varric?’ Michel raised an eyebrow in disbelief. ‘You’ve had more adventures with Hawke and the Inquisitor than the rest of us put together. And you’re a man who appreciates a decent beer. I’m calling you on your supposed ignorance of the countryside.’

‘Kirkwall hardly ranks as countryside.’ Thank the Maker. ‘And unless you want me to introduce you to the finer points of hidden thaigs in the Deep Roads, overrun with darkspawn, I’d suggest you find someone else to be your guide.’

‘I’ll leave that to you and the Grey Wardens thanks,’ Michel grimaced at the mention of the hellholes under Thedas, Blackwall tensing as he always did whenever the order was mentioned.

It wasn’t the usual flinching Varric had become used to either. The discord within Blackwall was something deeper and more sinister, striking at the very heart of whatever lay behind his reasons for the lie he’d perpetuated. Things were, one way or another, coming to a head for the warrior and Varric had no idea which way the chips would fall.

‘Our victor could use a drink of something stronger.’ Wanting to distract Michel and give Blackwall a chance to recover, he pulled forward a bottle, splashing some of the golden liquid into glasses for them all.

‘Good idea. This should at least give him a headache to focus on rather than the shiner he’s got over that left eye.’ Grabbing some sustenance for their victorious champion, Michel wandered over, a momentary grin lightening Blackwall’s face as Krem practically fell over in his gratitude.

‘So, here we are. Satinalia’s over, the Inquisition’s even bigger and there’s still a madman on the loose,’ Varric observed as he mentally calculated the profit from tonight’s books and bar take.

‘Not just one madman.’ Blackwall’s abrupt comment had Varric look sharply across at the taciturn warrior, his earlier observation seemingly more accurate than he’d realised.

Blackwall could never be described as conversational at the best of times, but since returning from the Arbor Wilds he’d been even more withdrawn than normal. The horror with which they’d all witnessed Lea and Cullen’s comatose return had struck a chord within the other man, particularly the shock at the ultimate sacrifice both had been prepared to make for each other. He’d visited Lea a couple of times with Varric, saying little, chestnut eyes flickering between the two as he fought an internal argument with himself. He’d since become so fiercely protective over his solitude, even Sera couldn’t reach Blackwall any more.

_So what’s he doing out now? Something has driven him from his barn._

‘What do you mean by that?’ Varric queried jovially as he traded his ale for whiskey. ‘The world is full of crazy people. Just none more so than Corypheus. He’s in a league all of his own, you’ve got to admit. Unless you’re planning mass murder?’

_Oh shit. What did I say?_

Seeing Blackwall turn white as a sheet, he drew far longer on his cigar than he’d intended to, narrowly avoiding an undignified splutter. Something was clearly amiss to have caused such a reaction, but what it was had left him stumped.

‘I – no, nothing like that. Corypheus has already killed more than I can count, so he wins the prize, I guess.’ Blackwall’s brooding glare was doing nothing to reassure him. ‘The past catches up with all of us at some point. It did for you with red lyrium. It does even now for Lea with Vivienne. For everyone. I am no exception.’

That Blackwall had a skeleton the size of an elephant in his closet the whole Inner Circle knew. What had never been apparent was what had led an otherwise brilliant soldier and officer to hide in the Inquisition. For one startling moment, Varric wondered if he was about to find out, this being the most conversational Blackwall had been on the subject for as long as he’d known him.

Just as he was about to enquire further, intrigued and concerned in one go at the nature of their discussion, he was interrupted. A minor stir by the entrance at the other end of the shed had them both craning their heads to see who’d arrived, the slight fog of smoke in the air making it harder to see.

‘I did say everyone, didn’t I?’ Blackwall stared hard at the approaching figure. ‘Whatever Cullen did that he hates himself for has come to bite him in the arse, right now.’

‘Maybe the two of you could start a support group, trade therapy together.’ He was only half joking as he flippantly tossed the idea out. ‘Well can you blame me, after what you just said! If you’re both so desperate to get away, you could talk about it.’

‘Fuck off,’ the other man grumbled, Varric able to spot just the hint of a smile underneath all that beard. ‘There may be a truce but that particular war is far from over.’

Varric shook his head in consternation, unable to make head nor tail of that latest cryptic comment. Blackwall and Cullen were no longer the enemies they’d once been, Blackwall visibly shaken by the state Cullen had been in after his rescue from the Arbor Wilds and just what he’d sacrificed to save Lea’s life. His infatuation with the Inquisitor had seemingly run its course, a desire borne out of the lack of affection in his own life.

That Lea and Cullen had been intrinsically linked the moment they’d met Blackwall finally seemed to accept. Varric wasn’t going to bother wasting any more time attempting to unravel someone else’s problems.

_Not after that last letter._

‘Glad you made it, Curly.’ It was with relief that Varric distracted himself from the stab of agony that blazed through his heart as he waved Cullen over. ‘Took you a while to find us.’

‘Good evening to you both.’ Cullen gratefully accepted the drink Blackwall proffered to him, looking around the smoky shed with interest. ‘It looks like I missed a good fight, if Krem’s bruises are anything to go by. You’ve set up an interesting enterprise here, Varric.’

‘Enterprise? That’s a grand expression. I like to think of it as a place where friends can enjoy some friendly physical competition that the Herald’s Rest isn’t quite designed for.’ Varric gave him a broad grin, seeing Cullen deliberately ignore his last words as a flush stained his neck. ‘So, we have this humble affair where people can knock heads together, the stakes make it more interesting and we all have a fun evening at the same time.’

‘So fun I hear you even showed off your own talents the other night,’ Cullen observed in a mild tone, assessing the makeshift boxing ring once more. ‘I should be grateful you handed the books over to Dorian for that bout. Still, it’s a good idea. So long as you don’t turn it into some frightful Orlesian boxing salon then I have no problem. You know how Leaena feels about everyone receiving equal treatment, and rightly so.’

‘Look around you, Curly. Do you see anyone in here who would qualify for one of those bloody awful clubs?’ Varric protested with an expansive wave across the room. ‘And me of all people! Why would I want to pander to some fancy prattling nobles?’

‘Only Michel, and he doesn’t count.’ Cullen agreed wryly. ‘I take your point. The moment I see it start to become controlled by a few, however, I will act. You know why. For one, I want to keep the Carta away from Skyhold if we’ve got even the hint of a structured betting system in place. And secondly, Orlesians tend to start complaining when they see their exclusive sport open to commoners. Or anything for that matter that removes their dominance over society. I won’t tolerate such rubbish in the Inquisition.’

‘Fucking Orlesian nobility. They protect their own. On that you’re not wrong Commander. Woe betide anyone who falls on the wrong side of that particular fucking line, rightly or wrongly.’ Blackwall’s sudden speech was accompanied by his slamming the glass down on the bar with force, making both Cullen and Varric start in surprise. ‘You’ve reminded me. I have business to attend to elsewhere. Excuse me.’

Cullen and Varric stared together in silent astonishment as Blackwall roughly shouldered his way through the throng, quickly disappearing in his haste to attend to whatever it was that had prompted such an outburst.

‘What business does an ex-Imperial Army officer suddenly need to attend to in the middle of an Inquisition fortress?’ Cullen’s blunt confirmation of what Varric had long suspected wasn’t a surprise. ‘I must speak to Leliana and see what progress her agents have made. Leaena may trust him but I for one am fed up of the mystery. He has hidden his tracks well, whoever he is.’

‘Frosty can take care of herself, you know that. What?’ Varric broke off, frowning as Cullen gave a growl of anger, then paling at his next, unwelcome words.

‘Can she really? Corypheus. Did she mention to you that our favourite magister is visiting her in her nightmares once more?’

‘Andraste’s ashes, no she bloody didn’t, but I should have guessed! It explains a lot! Why didn’t she say?’

‘Why do you think?’ Cullen sounded uncharacteristically bitter. ‘She didn’t want to hurt me. The Inquisition, the whole of Thedas, on the line, for me.’

His frustration at himself was, perhaps unsurprisingly, dwarfed at the look of intense pain that flashed briefly in Cullen’s eyes before he swallowed a mouthful of whiskey to steady himself. It wasn’t quite how Varric had intended on opening the subject but seeing as they were now here, he wasn’t going to waste the opportunity.

‘How is this news to you only now? She had to make a decision at the Temple, twice. She decided to save you because without you she would die anyway, one way or the other. And I know she would make exactly the same choice again, and never regret it.’ There was nothing for it but to point out the obvious. ‘It’s what you do when you’re in love with someone. You do love her don’t you?’

‘You need to ask?’ Cullen sighed heavily, giving him a rueful smile as the uncharacteristic doubt disappeared. ‘Of course I bloody do, more than I should, perhaps. That’s what makes it so difficult.’

‘Yeah well, that’s why the two of you are braver than so many others out there. Risking it all for love. Not many people actually would at the end of the day.’ Didn’t he just know it the hard way.  ‘How are you? I mean, you’ve been through some shit, Curly and you’re pretending like nothing’s happened. That’s not going to get you very far.’

‘I will recover,’ Cullen replied brusquely, his momentary vulnerability gone as his mask settled firmly in place. ‘It is Leaena I am worried about. Corypheus can still have what he wants if he corrupts her mind. I – I – something happened, after I woke up. Dorian looks like he wants to talk to me and every time I ask, he redirects me to her. If I ask, she demands that I speak first and I can’t yet – I……’

‘Except, she’s like me isn’t she.’ A grim smile twisted his lips as Cullen acknowledged the truth of his own words. ‘Leaena is deeply troubled by something and refusing to tell me why, because she doesn’t want to worry me further. Then she announces Corypheus is rabbiting on at her in her nightmares again and he’s still out there! What am I supposed to do? She wants me to share yet she won’t herself. Kirkwall, Kinloch Hold, there’s so much but where do I even begin when I don’t want to burden her further?’

There was no denying the reality of Cullen’s statement. Everyone had noticed Lea’s preoccupation, the main reason they’d decided to try and do something about it.

‘Andraste’s sacred knickers, I would laugh if this wasn’t so serious! Neither of you have allowed yourselves time to recover!’ Varric was fairly certain no matter what he said would fall on deaf ears, but determined to try anyway.

‘You nearly die, she hares off after you into the fucking Fade of all places! Then you get dragged through Maker knows what, filled with red lyrium, and what do you do? Neither of you stop, even at Satinalia! She’s running off after apprentices all day and you’re boring Rylen with troop movements in the Anderfels or some other such shit! Have a holiday, do something nice and for fucks sake, cut yourselves some flack! Why can’t you open the conversation, be honest with her? What’s the worst that could happen if you communicated once in a while?’

_Well it achieved something at least._

Cullen’s lips twitched as he patiently waited for Varric’s diatribe to run its course. ‘I appreciate the reminder of just how I badly I wasted my time that day. And it wasn’t the Anderfels, it was the Frostback Basin, to be accurate.’

‘The bloody Avvar? They ambushed a caravan of mine a couple of months back.’ Varric was momentarily diverted at the mention of the historically troublesome region. ‘You can’t change the subject on me that easily though.’

‘No, but I wasn’t an entirely lost cause that day. Some things became clear at last.’ Cullen’s eyes softened to such a degree Varric had to stop his jaw from falling to the floor at the change. ‘There might be more – the stakes became so much higher –.’

‘More what?’ Unwilling to interrupt when Cullen was being so uncharacteristically effusive, Varric gently prodded him for more information.

‘My life is not what it once was. What I can allow myself to dream of, after this is done? It changes everything. But that is for the future.’ The din of the cheers bought Cullen back to the present, slamming the door on his own emotions once more. ‘I also appreciate that Leaena needs a rest. She can’t take Corypheus on in her current state, even though the red lyrium has gone. He’s going to be drenched in the vile stuff and she needs her strength to fend it off.’

‘All true. Don’t forget yourself in that equation, Curly.’ Determined to get his point home, even if Cullen was refusing to listen, Varric doggedly continued. ‘You guys have to talk this out. Whatever you saw in there – don’t repress it. Kirkwall – it was shit, for everyone.’

‘I will. I’ll arrange to take her away somewhere, even for a few days. You’re right, we need –‘.

He stopped abruptly as Michel and Krem made their way over, noisily discussing the fight blow by blow. Varric was surprised to find himself disappointed that such an unheard of conversation with Cullen had come to a premature end.

‘Cullen!’ Michel greeted him with an impudent grin as they shook hands. ‘Come to show us your skills in the ring?’

‘Now that would be something to see, the Commander himself showing us all how it’s done,’ Krem joked as he reached for the whiskey. ‘You’d make a tidy sum that night, Varric.’

‘Boxing? You’d be better asking Cassandra for a demonstration,’ Cullen replied lightly, smiling at the banter, his own good humour restored. ‘She’s knocked all of us out on more than one occasion.’

‘Ah yes, Fereldens aren’t known for their expertise with their fists are they?’ Besides tavern brawling, or just brawling in general that is.’ Michel’s jibe at Cullen’s adventures had the whole group chuckling.

‘As opposed to pretty boy Orlesians with white gloves and dancing in circles, throwing the odd slap here and there?’ Cullen raised one eyebrow, refusing to be drawn still. ‘I suppose it gives the ladies entertainment if nothing else.’

‘Then let us put it to the test one day, my friend,’ Michel challenged him with a shout of laughter. ‘You and your drunken flailing and me with my superior talents learned at the feet of the finest masters.’

‘Literally at their feet too, no doubt. That’s a bet I can’t resist. You’re on.’ They shook on it, Cullen’s rare smile in evidence as he called Michel’s bluff, the Chevalier unable to hide a grimace of horror. ‘It does no harm for the solders to see their Commander best a Chevailer of your reputation, after all.’

‘So confident, Cullen. I like it. Ferelden versus Orlais, just as I was a humble Vint up against a monster Qunari.’ Krem shook the bottle at him as Varric immediately reached for his book, setting the odds before things got out of hand. ‘Michel has yet to be beaten. Let’s see if you’re the one to take him down. Tonight?’

‘In a couple of weeks perhaps. I shan’t forget though. I must leave you all now as Leaena is waiting for me. And Varric?’ Cullen’s parting grin reminded Varric of the man underneath the convenient shield of Commander, a man they rarely saw. ‘Keep the odds short, please. My confidence can’t take too much of a battering, and I have the pride of a nation on my shoulders it seems.’

There was a brief silence as they watched Cullen leave, making a somewhat more orderly exit out than Blackwall had earlier. Cullen never put himself out into public attention outside of his role as Commander. The open commitment he’d just made had shocked them all.

‘I wasn’t serious,’ Michel muttered in bewilderment. ‘Thanks for smoothing that over, Krem.’

‘Any time,’ Krem replied promptly, this time drinking straight from the bottle. ‘You’re up against it now, buddy. We’ll see if that fancy footwork of yours actually gets you anywhere. Cullen can pack the punch of a heavyweight and he’s light on his feet too.’

‘It’s all he can do, to pretend everything is normal then the rest will miraculously vanish,’ Varric murmured quietly to himself, letting the conversation around him filter out. ‘Maker’s balls, I hope he listened to me and takes it to heart. Perhaps beating the shit out of Michel will help.’

‘Did I just hear you correctly?’ Michel countered in mock anger. ‘I can assure you that if anyone is beating anyone to a pulp, it will be me. Now wouldn’t that be a birthday present for Cullen?’

‘Yeah, right. This is one fight I can’t wait to watch…..’

Half his brain continued to trade jokes with his friends, the other half processing the startling conversation he’d just had with Cullen. Recalling the way Blackwall had departed, Varric could only pray that no more disasters decided to strike. Yet he recognised that sinking feeling in his gut – the one that knew more trouble was on the horizon. Just what it was though, was anyone’s guess.

How Cullen and Lea had so much to say to one another and seemed to avoid saying anything at all left him continually baffled. He shrugged to himself, deciding he’d done what he could and to leave matters be for now. If Cassandra had upheld her side of the deal, then he was confident they’d done enough to weather whatever storm would hit them next.

 


	102. More art - Trystan by Cocotingo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi all, I'm sorry the chapters have been a bit slower. I've not been very well. The next is underway, however, and I hope to publish at the weekend. I am still trying to decide what is best, to continue on post-Cory here or start a fresh story. I will keep you posted.
> 
> In the meantime, here is a picture of Trystan which I won on a Tumblr giveaway, by the awesome Cocotingo. I thought you might like to see it :) 
> 
>  
> 
> [Cocotingo](http://cocotingo.tumblr.com/post/137215996132/trystan-trevelyan-for-demonicdivas)

 

 


	103. Know Thy Enemy, Know Thyself

Cullen scratched at his wrist, the niggling itch just under the plate frustratingly out of his reach. Shaking out his hands, he cursed under his breath at all the powers that had forced them onto the road. They’d been travelling at such a bruising pace he could barely think of anything aside from staying upright and ignoring the deep aches that had taken up residence in every muscle. His eyes were dry from dust, his mouth filled with a gritty taste that he couldn’t banish no matter how much water he drank.

Pulling his cloak tightly round him, he slid off his fatigued mount with a distracted pat of thanks for its efforts, wriggling his toes against the numbness and cold that had seeped throughout his body. The freezing night air crystallised in front of his face as he glanced around the posting station, the acrid smoke from the dim fires burning his nostrils as the ash hung limply in the fog. Shouting orders to the ostler to ready the Inquisition’s horses for the final, painful stretch to Val Royeaux, he made his way to Leaena and the others, who’d ridden into the yard only minutes behind him.

‘Nearly there, my lady,’ he murmured, noting anxiously the dark circles like bruises on her fair skin and strain at the corners of her mouth as he helped her down. ‘I’m sorry you are having to deal with this, of all things, right now.’

‘Not just me,’ Leaena replied wearily as she rested against him briefly, pulling her hood down over her eyes to hide her face. ‘All of us. Although I grant you, out of everything that seems to be falling apart at once, Blackwall’s disappearing act was the last thing I expected.’

‘Which is why I’m finding it even harder to be forgiving,’ Cullen snarled, the sight of his Inquisitor pushed beyond exhaustion because of one feckless murderer doing nothing for his poor temper. ‘You don’t even have the walls of Skyhold to protect you if Corypheus strikes. The man has been selfish from the start! This is the final nail in his coffin – a coffin I hope he takes up permanent residence in very soon.’

‘You know it’s not as straightforward as that, Cullen,’ she shook her head at him with a wan smile, taking his hand and leading him inside the dubious shelter of the wayside tavern. ‘We need to hear him out. He has done nothing but good in the Inquisition. Everyone deserves a fair trial, after all.’

The abrupt change from freezing to hot made Cullen’s chafed skin burn as his cheeks roasted in the warmth. The noisy, dingy tavern stank of unwashed bodies, smoke and stale food, making his stomach heave and his headache stab through his brain, the lull of sound when they both entered immediately making his hackles rise. Blinking against the stinging in his eyes, they headed to a secluded table where Josephine and Michel were already settled, his senses prickling in antagonism at the stares they were attracting.

‘The atmosphere is charged tonight.’ Michel warned as Cullen ushered Lea into a seat of relative safety, the back wall protecting her to a certain extent. ‘Normally they would not dare observe so openly, especially at me, but with the hanging tomorrow and the revival of such a shocking crime, old hatreds rise to the surface. Understandably, in many cases.’

‘Unfortunately we are hardly incognito, travelling with a Chevalier,’ Josephine agreed with a grimace. ‘Nor when you threaten to flatten half the room from a mere look alone, Cullen.’

‘If something happens to harm her, any assassins present will wish they’d taken a different contract once I’m done with them. Better they get that message now, rather than try their dubious luck out first.’ Cullen shrugged disinterestedly as he squeezed onto the bench next to Leaena, his bulk providing her with another protective barrier. ‘This is a bad business and I won’t have anyone believing the Inquisition willingly harboured a known criminal for so many months. It reflects poorly on us, to say the least.’

‘Not to mention the Grey Warden treaties. Holy Andraste, this could rupture many alliances for us.’ Josephine was fretting, already making a mental list of the nobles she’d have to appease, leaving Cullen grateful for a spilt second that such a task wouldn’t fall to him. ‘What say you, Lea? How do you want to approach this?’

‘Let’s not borrow trouble until we know exactly what we face. Everything is conjecture on our part at the moment, don’t forget.’ Leaena’s calm in the face of everyone’s palatable anxiety was surface deep, her disquiet over Blackwall’s actions having shaken her far more than she wanted to admit. ‘We are only a few hours from Val Royeaux and we must depart soon if we are to beat the hangman’s noose. I know we’re all beyond shattered after riding for two days solid, but we mustn’t stop now. Michel, run me through what we know once more.’

‘There isn’t much.’ Tiredly, Michel lent back, closing his eyes as he recounted the story. ‘The massacre of Lord Vincent Callier and his family were the brainchild of Chapius, in an act of high treason against Celene. He then committed suicide once his plan came to light. Gaspard distanced himself from their actions – he had no idea such an atrocity had been ordered. Thom Ranier, the Captain who led the attack, disappeared along with his men. One by one, they have been bought to justice for their crimes. Mornay is the latest.’

‘In the interest of fairness, we don’t know that Blackwall and Ranier are the same,’ Josephine pointed out, although it was apparent she, like Cullen, believed otherwise. ‘This is the logical assumption we can draw from Leliana’s reports and is consistent with the behaviour of a man who we know has been lying about his identity from the moment he joined. We need irrefutable evidence, though, before we can make any judgements.’

‘There’s no time for that. That he’s run again proves his guilt. All we can do is stay the execution by a few hours, hope that Blackwall has stuck around long enough for us to arrest him and wait for Gaspard to intercede further on our behalf.’ Cullen sighed in frustration, fed up with the subject and wishing him and Leaena a million miles away from such a mess. ‘This is an Orlesian matter at the end of the day. There is only so much we can involve ourselves in, and we must be mindful of our role in sheltering a murderer.’

Leaena said nothing further during the brief exchange. Her pale face was barely visible in the shadow of her hood as she quietly sipped her tea, warming her hands on the rough earthen mug. Her eyes, glittering with intent, were the only thing visible as she assessed their options, the two of them having already argued extensively over the various potential fates of the man they only knew as Blackwall. Cullen knew she wanted to forgive, Blackwall one of the few to stand by her side and support her during the madness of red lyrium when practically the rest of the Inquisition had written her off.

All he could think of, however, was a betrayal of trust so deep there could be no turning back. Quite why this had affected Cullen so strongly, he didn’t want to think on too much. Blackwall’s own actions cut far too close to the bone on a subject he had yet to allow himself the space to reflect on. Mercilessly, he shoved his own disquiet to one side, doing his best to take a neutral stance and mitigate any potential fallout.

‘No one knows that but us. Besides, we only knew he wasn’t a Grey Warden, nothing further. That he had connections to the Wardens somehow was apparent, don’t forget. He had treaties, of all things! and other paraphernalia. How would he have access to those if not through a Warden?’

Her soft but firm words sent a shiver of guilt down his spine, Cullen forcibly reminded he and Cadan were the only ones who’d guessed at the truth. A truth he’d hidden from her, deeming it unimportant in amongst the chaos they’d been trying to survive.

_And I did nothing. I am as culpable as the rest._

That regretful acknowledgment of his own sorry involvement in the affair only made the churning nausea worse. The sharp look Leaena threw at him just then he barely ignored, his heart sinking as he knew she would demand answers once they were alone. Cullen could never lie to her, internally bracing himself for an awkward conversation which she wouldn’t let him escape from.

He couldn’t separate out such a minor fact from the reality of everything around him, convinced if he’d done more to act they could have avoided this whole ridiculous scenario in the first place. That Leliana had withheld the reports on Callier’s family, deeming them unimportant – the ones that could have connected the two scenarios together – his brain conveniently forgot, all his failures, past and present, stacking up in his mind once more.

‘You are correct, Inquisitor.’ Michel drained his ale, looking around the tavern once more with a frown. ‘Trystan awaits our arrival and Gaspard should be there tomorrow if he can spare the time. I can, at the very least, cancel the immediate execution order until we understand more. In the meantime, I suggest we ride. Our horses should be ready and this is not a place I would have you linger. We are marked as nobility, and that is enough for this crowd to turn.’

‘There is a palatable discontent, it’s true.’ Josephine unconsciously adjusted the daggers across her back, all of them dressed unassumingly in nondescript armour that hid their Inquisition credentials. ‘The elves have not forgotten Halamshiral. With the promise of a hanging for a crime many would consider justified, we must reach the safety of Val Royeaux.’

‘If you can call it safety. The undercurrents in this tavern alone is a hint of what we can expect there,’ Cullen muttered agitatedly, the downright hostile stares they’d been receiving leaving him even more on edge. ‘If you’re ready, Leaena, let’s get this journey over with.’

The biting cold of the night air was a welcome respite from the cloying humidity of the tavern, all of them alert for trouble as they made their way quickly back outside into the murky darkness. Despite the solid riding over the last few days, Cullen had never been more grateful to see a horse as he first ensured Leaena was safely mounted, refusing to allow himself the luxury of a brief kiss in his desire to see her removed from the chaos Blackwall had created. The warm glow in her eyes was just for him as she looked down, her relief that he was with her to resolve such a complicated matter going a long way in reducing the apprehension he felt about having her so exposed.

‘It will be alright, Cullen,’ she whispered, squeezing his hand before he reluctantly relinquished his grip. ‘Once this is sorted out, we will take some time out, for everything. I promise. Don’t we always win out in the end?’

‘I know. It’s just – I can’t like this, Leaena. Something isn’t right.’ Whether he was referring to Blackwall, the Inquisition or himself, Cullen didn’t want to know. ‘But you’re right. We will resolve this and then take things from there.’

He mounted up once more, their horses thundering through the yard and out onto the Imperial highway. Cullen couldn’t quite believe that just a few days previously he’d been in Skyhold, watching Blackwall shoulder his way out of a rather different tavern, wondering if perhaps he’d made an error of judgement. That he’d be chasing the bastard down just a few hours later had been the furthest thought from his mind, their mad dash the last thing neither he nor Leaena needed in their lives right now. She had barely blinked on being told Blackwall was missing with an execution notice found discarded in the barn, merely ordering their departure in the hour, the four of them agreeing their strategy whilst travelling instead.

It was all Cullen could do to not grind his teeth in frustration, his head bowed against the chilly wind as they hurtled through the night towards Val Royeaux. The latest disaster they had to face was somewhat different from the usual crises they faced, but one which was no less serious. They hadn’t even slept, knowing one man would move far faster than the four of them, Leaena intent on making up the lost time.

Yet again, reflection and self-recrimination was all that ate away at him as mile after long mile fell away behind them. Whether his fury was directed at Blackwall from distracting them when they least needed it, or for himself at having yet to even begin to address the things he’d promised himself in the Fade, he didn’t know. The brief moment of joy and sunshine that had lightened his life over Satinalia had dimmed. Cullen couldn’t help but berate himself for his inability to even have the most basic conversation with Leaena about all that had befallen them – not the least the visitations from Corypheus which she’d still refused to expand further upon.

The haunted look he knew himself, and hated to see reflected in her had returned, Cullen the only one bearing witness to the unseeing war raging between Leaena and Corpheus even now. He found himself powerless to do anything but hold her close in his increasingly futile efforts to help her fight free, her body shaking uncontrollably as she clawed at every inch of her skin, blue shot through with hints of the red insanity, her mind nothing more than a battlefield as she fought even him with inhuman strength. The whites of her eyes were unseeing as she screamed her fury and despair, clawing her way out of the Fade and back to reality, alternating between sobbing and vomiting, blood dripping from the wounds she’d inflicted on herself as she begged him to remain silent, wanting no one to guess at what she perceived to be her ultimate weakness.

He was done with the anguish and torture, of seeing the woman who meant more to him than life itself tested time and time again with no hint of respite on the horizon. All he wanted was to focus on the dream which, now sparked to life, refused to fade no matter how much his inner voice mocked him for his foolishness. A dream which he’d never dared believe possible yet she’d shown him the path, time and time again until he’d finally had the clarity to acknowledge the yearnings he’d hidden from himself for so long. He needed this to be over, to take her away to a safe place and move on from the torments that dogged them still.

The sweet promise of the future was all that was keeping him going, Cullen now refusing to settle for anything less. The beautiful memory of his wife was the image he conjured up when the nightmares overwhelmed him, now even during the day. He was left spitting up bile, gasping for air, crushed to his knees from the pressure of the pain whilst the hideous visions inundating him left him practically blind. Just as Leaena had been in the Fade, she was his guiding light through the madness of his mind now, yet neither of them yet acknowledging to the other just how bad things had become.

_There has to be more to life than this._

Their separations had become more brutal in nature the longer the conflict had dragged on, Cullen unsure how he would cope when events next tore them apart once more. There was too much for him to make sense of, reduced to putting one foot in front of the other in an attempt to get through the day. Perhaps wrongly, he increasingly clung to her, Leaena’s support and strength all he could rely on when his own weakness threatened to overwhelm him. She didn’t even realise it, of that he was certain, the sapphire comfort of her magic something he actively sought out and absorbed to bolster his own faltering resolve.

Such destructive, lonely thoughts were, as ever, eased by her mere presence alone, drawing solace from the fact they were at least together. His determination to find some space to address what they needed to remained at least, sensing something dark and malevolent in Leaena that risked dominating her if he didn’t act soon. The only thing left for them to do was talk about it, Cullen miserably aware that there was no other option but to bare his soul in a way which he’d never done, not even with her. From lovers through to the long years of desolation and numbing terror in Kirkwall, he could hide nothing.

As night eventually faded into the grey mists of day, the lights of Val Royeaux before them at last, Cullen’s resolve hardened for the hundredth time as he urged his horse forward into a gallop once more. His decision to act was met with a sense of clarity he hadn’t felt in some time, a sense of rightness that he would finally show her the man he truly was, no matter how terrified he was she’d reject him. The thunder of hooves accompanied the rapid beating of his heart as he recalled in excruciating detail over and over again in those tedious hours in the saddle just what he’d have to share.

_This time, Cullen, just say it how it is. No more excuses._

Far from protecting Leaena from the harsh truths and bitter regrets, it had ultimately made the situation even worse. If there was one thing that Blackwall’s deception had shown him, the time for secrets was done. If they continued with such denial, their pasts would simply destroy them piece by piece until nothing remained.

Dragging his mind back to the immediacy of the present as he moved his horse next to Leaena’s, Cullen barely registered slowing his horse to a canter then a trot. His anger at Blackwall was a simmering black fury for having placed Leaena into such unnecessary danger. Beyond that though, he couldn’t assess the underlying turmoil too closely lest it divert him from his responsibility as Commander.

Blinking away the grit in his eyes as he followed, he tensed at the underlying hostility from the thronging crowd lining the avenue. It was still early morning and they’d hoped to escape the worst of it by arriving through the Night Gate, but word of the execution had clearly spread. A seething mass of humanity was painstakingly making its way towards the market square, with guards roughly shoving back any stragglers threatening to block the main thoroughfare.

Leaena’s discomfort was matched only by his own, the press of the throng and the rough handling of guards lining the path making their mounts skittish. Sullen stares followed their progress, the muted noise of the resentful murmurs and whispers far louder Cullen’s ears than the cries from the vendors seeking custom. It was the scene at the tavern all over again, even as none dared outrightly challenge them. There was dissatisfaction in the air, outright snarls of anger as guards beat back the worst of the offenders – an open challenge that would have been unthinkable in Orlais even a few months ago.

 ‘Let us dismount here – it is not far to walk and easier to maintain our anonymity.’ Michel gestured to them to halt just outside the prison’s entrance.

Silently, they walked slowly towards the central square, their horses led away by a member of the watch as Cullen eyed the increasingly restless mass of people they had to head into. Leaena’s hiss of fury made him turn abruptly, seeing a burly Chevalier casually smack an elven girl round her head, cutting open her ear in a bloody mess.

‘Not now!’ Cullen whispered, grabbing her arm and pulling her tightly towards him. ‘We mustn’t reveal our identities!’

‘But Cullen, did you see that!’ Her temper and fatigue combined were a potent mix that could lead them all into danger. ‘I can go and help! She’s bleeding and that utter dickhead is laughing!’

‘There is nothing you can do right now, Lea,’ Michel had flanked her on the other side, partly to protect her and party to prevent her from killing the troublesome Chevalier outright. ‘We can discuss that particular abuse of power another time, but right now we must find Blackwall.’

‘Stay focussed, Lea,’ Josephine reminded her bluntly. ‘The latent anger in this crowd could spark at any moment and we must keep you safe. Here – let’s wait at the back. There is no need to be right up front watching the hangman’s gruesome task at close quarters.’

Cullen couldn’t have agreed with either of them more, the gross injustices Leaena could see taking place all around making her reckless with fury. She’d mercifully subsided, the thunderous expression on her face telling him the argument had merely been delayed, not forgotten.

As he looked up at the shoddy wooden platform, complete with noose at the ready, the dead tiredness fell away as the crowd stilled. The executioner led the way with two guards dragging a silently stumbling man who no one recognised up onto the raised stage.

‘Not Blackwall, clearly. So where is he?’ Cullen’s eyes darted around the square, half-listening as the charges he was already familiar with were lain against the man.

‘There’s your answer,’ Michel replied in a horrified whisper as they watched in shock, Blackwall bounding forward from an equally stunned crowd to prevent the execution at the last second. ‘Maker preserve us, what have you done, my friend?’

‘Merciful Andraste.’ Josephine was wringing her hands in distress as Blackwall refuted each charge against the hapless man in front of them. ‘It’s all true. As bad as we thought it was.’

‘This was a bad idea. We have to leave.’

Cullen almost wasn’t listening to anyone else, too tuned into the nuances of the mob that threatened to turn on them all at this latest, dramatic turn of events. That Blackwall had proven to be all that Leliana’s reports had promised and more had hardly come as a surprise to him. The moment he’d heard, something inside of him had recognised the truth immediately. Right now his only focus had to be getting Leaena out of there, the swell of noise stirring louder and more disturbing.

‘If Blackwall has something he wants to say in public, let him say it. There will be time enough for us to question him shortly.’ The fiery rage was gone, her voice was icy cold and calm as the mantle of Inquisitor slipped firmly in place. ‘Michel, the guards look as confused as anyone else. What will happen?’

‘They will arrest them both and await further orders. If they can find it in themselves to move.’ Michel was still staring at the man, the identity he’d finally revealed coming as a severe blow to one he’d counted friend. ‘Thom Ranier has a high price on his head, Inquisitor. I cannot give an indication as to the final outcome of this. You will have to wait for Gaspard to arrive.’

‘Asked for it, fucking stupid nobles!’

‘Don’t see what he did was so wrong, anyway. Nothing worse than what we get –.’

‘One less rich nob and fewer spoilt brats to take care of. World’s not going to fall apart. Did us a service…...’

‘Can’t just go around killing people though. Man’s going to find himself with a noose round his neck, justified or not –.’

The angry mutterings around them as the guards deliberated what to do with the two men caught Leaena’s attention. Her mask froze firmly into place as she heard the disgusted whispers, the frustrations borne out of generations of inequality, targeted squarely at the ruling classes where the responsibility lay.

_Targeted at her. At us, if they only knew._

‘I’ve heard enough.’ Leaena snapped frostily, wanting the whole farce to be over as much as he did. ‘Let’s get to Blackwall. The time has come to reveal our identities too. I will not be crushed to death trying to work my way out and we need to get to that prison. Fast.’

Without any warning she pushed her sodden hood back, gesturing for the other two to do the same. Michel had, after a terse conversation with a terrified looking guard, already moved forward, beginning to carve a path through some agitated merchants arguing with the city watch. There were gasps of fear and a chorus of ‘Inquisition’ as Leaena pressed forward, needing no further introduction than her unique magic, casting an eerie green glow in the foggy morning light.

He didn’t need to know her face would be stern and impassive, hiding the despondency and sadness from this typical reaction the Inquisitor evoked wherever she went. There was nothing he could do to shelter her from the harsh reality, knowing all too well the world only saw what they wanted to. The uncertainty he felt, that his love and support would never quite be enough to fill the emptiness inside her, was growing at a rate he couldn’t control.

The void that had increased so rapidly in size in Leaena’s soul since the Arbor Wilds left him feeling helpless, unable to stem the black tide. The Inquisition was stealing away from him the one person he couldn’t live without, and Cullen had no idea how to prevent the unthinkable from occurring.

His own fears at this precise moment in time were irrelevant, however, the need to ensure their physical safety paramount above anything else. Leaena’s determined stride as her barriers shimmered around her, the blatant display of power and authority of the Inquisition on display as they marched steadily away from the crowd now baying for blood, was enough to clear their path.

‘We might make it to the prison before Blackwall at this rate,’ Josephine observed wryly as people gaped at the four of them in astonishment before melting out of their way. ‘First those revelations, then the Inquisitor and her advisors suddenly appearing in their midst, complete with one of Gaspard’s elite as an escort. They’ll be dining out on this for months.’

‘If it means we get out of this Maker-cursed screw up all the sooner, then I’m for it. Gaspard is going to have to do something about the level of dissent that seems to be coming from the alienage.’ Claustrophobia was beginning to assail him, both Leaena’s discomfort from the crowds around them and his own merging together in one toxic bubble. ‘Maker’s Breath, why is this taking three times as long as before?’

‘The gates are just ahead – and look, that’s Blackwall being taken inside.’ Josephine’s chin was held high although her eyes reflected her unease at the volatile situation they’d found themselves in. ‘Rest assured, Commander, I am as keen as you are to find a satisfactory resolution.’

All of them just about managed to ignore the surge of guards that had come forward to stop the crowd from breaking through to the prison. The din of protest was growing louder and more heated, Cullen blocking his hears to the muted thuds of shields on bodies and the ring of steel being drawn, the snarled shouts of the guards with their insults to the populace doing nothing to ease the tension.

_Much though Leaena might wish it otherwise, this is not our fight._

_Please, my lady, don’t take this on too. We have enough to cope with._

The clang of the heavy iron gates confirmed their safe arrival, Cullen releasing a breath he didn’t realise he’d been holding in as they made their way inside the dank, grey prison itself. His whole body was tense, ready to leap into action at the merest hint of threat to her life, the headache throbbing behind his eyes only kept at bay by the adrenaline surging through his veins. Wanting to do nothing but find their horses, gather Leaena up in his arms and ride straight out of the quicksands of Val Royeaux, he instead forced himself to walk up to her, watching Michel busy arguing with the lieutenant on watch who was refusing them entry.

‘Cullen, can you fix this for me please?’ Leaena’s languid tone held just a hint of her seething irritation. ‘That diligent officer does seem to have forgotten his place somewhat. He might need reminding.’

‘With pleasure, Inquisitor.’ Cullen didn’t hesitate as he stalked towards the desk, impatient beyond measure to have this over and done with.

‘….my orders are clear, Ser Michel!’ the man whined, grating on Cullen’s nerves further. ‘This is an unprecedented set of events! No one is allowed to see him until I have orders! Not even a Chevalier!’

‘Turn this bloody prison over to me now, if you value the face you’re hiding behind that shiny mask,’ Cullen growled to the feckless young man postulating before him, not bothering to introduce himself. ‘There are alternative methods at my disposal should you fail to comply with a direct order from the Inquisition.’

‘I-Inquisiton?’ the lieutenant stammered, taking an involuntary step back at the ferocity in Cullen’s voice. ‘B-but this is Val Royeaux! You c-cannot come h-here making such demands –.’

‘Really Michel, you must bring such appalling lack of obedience to the attention of the Emperor himself. The mental capacity, or lack of, within your city guard is deplorable.’ Cullen’s gauntleted fist slammed hard into the solid oak desk, the subsequent crack reverberating around the cold stone hall making the lieutenant visibly flinch.

‘Qui sont ces gens?’ The stubborn official spoke Orlesian, looking in mute appeal to his fellow officers as he tried to hold his ground. ‘Ces parvenus! Comment osent -ils –.‘

‘How do we dare? Things are bad in the guard if I, a Ferelden, have to spell it out for you.’ Cullen’s voice went quiet as the man started in shock, not expecting him to have understood a word of his complaints.

He loomed over the hapless officer who’d sunk down into his chair, doing his best to melt under the desk and away from Cullen’s furious glare.

‘Nous sommes l'inquisition. Nous n’avons pas besoin de votre permission. Vous avez pris un member de l’inquisition en garde à vue. l'inquisiteur veut lui parler. Jusqu'à elle aura fini, vous me rendrez le contrôle du prison. Comprenez vous?’

There was nothing but terrified silence in response, the sound of metal keys hitting Cullen’s palm the only audible noise. A grim smile twisted his lips as he leaned further into the now cowed lieutenant’s space, driving his final point home.

‘If I find you and your meddling bureaucracy interfering with the Inquisitor ever again, I will make you live to regret it. Now get out before I throw you out myself!’

The man couldn’t escape fast enough, darting out away from the barely concealed snorts of laughter from his fellow guards, Cullen idly flicking the keys in one hand. Michel shot him a quick grin, then barked out orders to the other guards to seal off the entrance to no one but Gaspard himself. Josephine absently pushed him out of the way, and immediately sat down at the desk, making a list of action points, muttering under her breath about graceless Fereldens and renegade warriors with more secrets than Leliana herself.

‘You speak Orlesian, Commander? You surprise me with another new talent every day.’

Automatically responding the sound of that melodic voice, he was surprised to see the ghost of a smile appear on Leaena’s face. She’d relaxed slightly now the immediacy of Blackwall’s situation had eased, watching him with a glimmer of amusement. Her eyes still reflected every emotion and mood, glowing with humour and love as they caught his, momentarily forgetting where she was and the responsibilities pressing down so heavily on them both.

To provide her with even a hint of respite as he’d just done sent warmth spreading across his chest, ridiculously pleased he'd coaxed a smile out of her even at a time like this. Walking to her side, he felt his own lips twitch in response as she tried her best to supress a giggle at Josephine’s obvious scowl directed right at him. Cullen’s previously unknown fluency in the language of a country he barely tolerated at the best of times had not been something the Ambassador was expecting.

‘Didn’t I tell you back in Haven that I wanted to be the best student I could? That included learning the original language of the Chantry.’ He fought the urge to reach up and tuck away the stray strands of hair falling into her eyes, wishing them both a million miles away from all the eyes that never seemed to stop watching them both. ‘The texts, the older ones anyway, were all in Orlesian and many senior Templars are fluent in both. I’m sorry – I just assumed you’d know.’

‘Don’t apologise. I could have listened to you talk all day long, although I suspect you may have done yourself no favours. Josephine is going to find a use for that particular ability of yours, you know.’ Her low murmur was accompanied by a mischievous glint as Cullen felt his cheeks redden from her compliment. ‘That is for later, however. Thank you for ejecting that idiot. Will you accompany me to Blackwall’s cell? I would like to hear what he has to say first.’

‘Of course,’ Cullen replied promptly, still fervently wishing the problem that was Blackwall was someone else’s entirely. ‘Michel, Josephine – Trystan and Gaspard should be here shortly. Send word when they have arrived.’

‘The prison is secured, Inquisitor,’ Michel confirmed with a nod. ‘Blackwall’s execution will not take place until you have spoken to the Emperor himself.’

Cullen had discovered the location of Blackwall’s cell, motioning for Leaena to walk beside him as they descended into the gloom of the prison’s basement. The small stairwell became pitch black in a matter of seconds aside from the flickering torches on the wall, the damp smell of rot and decay assailing their nostrils while the wails and moans of the few prisoners on the top floor made Cullen wince in annoyance. He was just thankful it wasn’t busier, this merely a holding place for petty criminals caught robbing market stalls before being transferred to a larger, thoroughly unpleasant prison just outside the city walls.

Soon, the only noise to be heard came from the thud of their boots hitting the stone floor, Cullen dismissing the guards below. He and Leaena didn’t exchange a word, the flash of light-heartedness between them gone again as the severity of Blackwall’s actions came to light once more.

He wasn’t sure which one stoked his fury more, that she’d been so hurt by Blackwall’s deception or the criminal himself. Much to his continued consternation, Leaena wasn’t angry. From the moment they’d discovered his flight, a stark sadness flooding her soul instead of the anger everyone expected. It was the side of her few ever saw, the compassion and empathy she was rarely allowed to show. The role of Inquisitor as much of a hard, brittle mask that she now donned as the icy, arrogant Senior Enchanter had been during her time in the Circle.

It grieved Cullen to see Leaena still unable in many regards to escape her past, unable to help except provide her support and love, relieved that the woman she truly was appeared when they were alone together.

_Soon, I will take you away from this._

For his part, Cullen’s burning rage had yet to abate the more he considered the danger Leaena had been put in. His own role in the whole sorry affair tore at him inch by painful inch, wishing he’d made the connections sooner, cursing himself for not being more honest with Leaena from the start. Yet that still didn’t account for the lingering resentment. There was a darker, more sinister reason lurking at the back of his mind – something he still wasn’t prepared to address.

‘Blackwall?’

Leaena’s gentle tone had seemingly little impact on the man slumped forward on the bench, head in his hands. Blackwall looked crumpled and completely defeated as he stared at the floor, shaking his head as he refused to acknowledge either one of them.

‘Open the door for me, Cullen.’

Cullen obeyed, ignoring the rat that scurried across his foot as the iron key scraped harshly in the lock. The high-pitched creaking sound as the hinges swung made him clench his jaw as he gestured for Leaena to step inside. It was the dingiest, most miserable cell, moss thick on the walls and mouldy straw clogging up the floor, Cullen wishing there was somewhere other than the filth of the wood for her to sit. That she was intent on answers was apparent, Blackwall knowing as well as he did that the Inquisitor wouldn’t budge until she had what she wanted. Folding his arms across his chest, standing just outside the cell door, there was nothing for him to do but wait.

‘I don’t want a blow by blow account of your crimes. I have read the reports. I heard what you said on the gallows. Yet those words do not represent the man I know as Blackwall. They do not explain why such a heinous act was committed, nor why he masqueraded as a Grey Warden for so long in the Inquisition.’ Leaena’s calm voice lingered in the air, pausing for a moment to let him respond.

‘I didn’t kill Blackwall at least. He found me. I was destined for the Grey Wardens. There was a darkspawn ambush in the Deep Roads before I completed the Joining. He was killed, I lived. I took his name to stop the world from losing a good man.’ He still didn’t move, his fists clenched together as he fought to control the dark anger Cullen recognised all too well. ‘I am a traitor, a murderer and a coward! That’s all you need to know.’

Leaena’s casual shrug of dismissal was a marvel, given the tension in the tiny space and the pain his heartless statement had caused her.

‘I have no idea who that man is. I shall tell you about the Blackwall I know instead. He’s the man who rode with me all the way from the hell of the Exalted Plains to the safety of Denerim, who championed my cause whilst I was driven insane by red lyrium, who stood by me time and time again when the rest of the world had written me off. The man who carves such beautiful toys for the children of Skyhold, who will sit and tell endless stories even when pestered beyond belief. The man who stands up against prejudice and the multiple injustices inflicted on everyday folk without hesitation.’

‘Such a pretty picture you spin, and a false one at that. I murdered for coin! I betrayed the Empire, for nothing more than gold! Respect – it wasn’t enough! I demanded more.’ Blackwall turned and stared at her, self-loathing evident in every line of his body. ‘A whole family was massacred! I didn’t know they would be there, but you know what? Lame excuses don’t matter. Good men took the fall for what I did and innocent people – children! died because of me. You can’t sit there and pretend that harsh reality away! War is war, this is what happens. And I need to pay the penalty for my actions. My years of running are over and the hangman’s noose awaits. What a fitting end.’

‘No one is pretending anything away, Blackwall.’ Leaena refused to rise to the bait, her quiet tone relentlessly demanding, refusing to be ignored. ‘I know what you did and the reasons behind it. You have yet to answer the rest of my question, however.’

‘Because I wanted to be something more than I was. I wanted to make it right, to be part of something better. Blackwall – I could live up to the name, to be as good as he was.’ He gave a defeated sigh, his head hitting the back of the wall in resignation as his eyes closed. ‘You showed me the chance for something else, that another life was possible. One that I never dreamt even existed. That I could be something else once more, to make up for all that I did. But so what? It’s over now, which makes this conversation irrelevant. Why don’t you just go? Other things are more important than this condemned man! Stop wasting your fucking time, Inquisitor, on people who don't matter!'

The sound of an approaching guard made Cullen turn, Blackwall’s last words sinking uncomfortably into his gut before he had a chance to process their meaning. Leaena had already risen, guessing the summons correctly, that Gaspard and Trystan had both arrived. She looked at Blackwall, then directly at him, with an expression that left him suddenly ill at ease.

_Something happened, something she believes is important._

_But by the Maker, how does that involve me?_

‘Commander,’ she said formally as she glided out of the cell, ‘Stay and question the prisoner further. You will have insights into this situation as a soldier and officer yourself – and this is a situation we have already discussed at length. You know my views, but I would like to have your assessment. Return to us upstairs once you are finished. I must greet the Emperor and apologise for taking over his prison at such short notice.’

Her request took him completely aback, frowning at her disappearing back as she left him alone with a man he despised. He and Leaena had fought at length over this whole scenario, disagreeing on every fundamental aspect of Blackwall and his character. She’d ended the circular row on more than one occasion, pointing out the blind spot he’d had from the start where the supposed Warden was concerned. Cullen to this day was unable to accept her belief that Blackwall had never been seriously interested in her. Her request for him to interrogate a man who he’d wanted to strangle to death made no sense, given he’d hardly consider himself impartial on the subject.

The silence was absolute as the footsteps faded away, Cullen staring hard at the black head bowed before him as he contemplated where to even begin. Just when he and Blackwall had seemed to reach some kind of truce, this had put them right back to their antagonistic beginnings. Wrestling with his personal convictions over his professional duty, he tried and failed to imagine a scenario which resulted in anything less than the end of Blackwall’s life.

He said nothing at first, the silence stretching on from seconds into minutes as the two adversaries waited, neither one particularly interested in breaking the deadlock.

‘I thought we had a deal, in exchange for me concealing your background. Although the murders were somewhat of a surprise.’ Cullen’s harsh drawl eventually echoed round the cramped space. ‘But clearly, you don’t care for the Inquisitor as much as you make out, given you ended up running after all.’

‘I didn’t fucking run – my men needed me,’ Blackwall ground out, still refusing to raise his head as his fists clenched in his own anger. ‘It has nothing to do with the Inquisitor, and everything to do with protecting an innocent man.’

‘Funny how you didn’t think of that whilst you were escaping justice.’ The simmer of his rage was rapidly increasing to a boil as Cullen fought to control his temper. ‘I called it right, didn’t I? You’re a traitor and a coward and you’ve put the Inquisitor into more danger now than you can ever imagine, in some misguided notion that your actions actually make a difference! And still she’s saved your backside at her own expense, all while you sit there, still keeping your filthy secrets. That little display was how you choose to repay her? What a fucking disgrace you are!’

At that attack, Blackwall jumped up unexpectedly, standing face to face with Cullen as he bristled with his own dark rage. Cullen didn’t budge an inch as Blackwall’s face came inches from his, merely raising a disparaging eyebrow at the barely leashed fight their prisoner was struggling to contain.

‘Filthy secrets, is it, Commander? You’d know all about that, wouldn’t you? Takes one to know one, I believe you said.’ Blackwall’s venomous hiss left no room for escape, his black eyes glittering as he saw Cullen’s involuntary recognition of a truth he’d done his best to avoid. ‘Oh yes, you know what I mean, don’t you? You and I, we are more alike than you care to acknowledge. But here I am, in jail about to die, whilst you get feted by commoners and nobles. You fucking hypocrite!’

‘We are nothing alike!’ Cullen’s warning growl only just hid his own frantic battle to force back unwelcome memories – memories Blackwall managed to effortlessly revive. ‘You turned against your country in the name of avarice, slaughtered an innocent family whilst blaming it on poor intelligence and buggered off to let others carry the burden of your crimes! What you did to your men was despicable and yet you stand here and have the gall to accuse me of the same?’

Blackwall sneered in disgust as each word hammered at the part of Cullen’s conscience that had lain open and raw since his escape from the Fade.

‘You’ve not got rivers of blood on your conscience, Templar? You’ve never stood by and watched an innocent mage made Tranquil at your order, struck down a child you thought might just be possessed or ripped youngsters from their families, all in the name of protection and safety? You’ve never judged a mage unfairly simply for what they are, and no, of course you’ve never abused your position just to satisfy your own base instincts! The fall of Kirkwall’s Circle? Just following orders, weren’t you Knight-Captain? There was nothing you could have done, of course fucking not!’

‘Did you just accuse me of rape, Blackwall?’ Cullen’s voice became deadly soft, the world having stilled to nothing around him as he leant menacingly in, closing the final space between them. ‘I have done many, many things that I should by rights hang for, but taking a woman against her will doesn’t appear on that list, and nor will it ever. If you’re insistent on having this conversation then you could at least get your facts straight.’

‘You may not have, but you know full well who did. And what did you do, especially when you were promoted to Knight-Commander, with the power to make a change? Fuck. All. Good Chantry boy like you, following orders to the letter weren’t you? Just like me, loyal to the Imperial Army, not even thinking to question my superior officer. So tell me, what makes us so different? What gives you the right to judge me, you arrogant prick?’

Blackall forcibly stopped himself from spitting in Cullen’s face in his disdain, neither of them prepared to back down. They were moments from striking each other, intent on finishing the fight that that had reached such an unsatisfactory conclusion in the Herald’s Rest so long ago. He didn’t care that every word Blackwall flayed him alive with the ugly truths, leaving him nowhere to hide. All he saw was someone who had put Leaena in danger, Cullen needing little excuse to take out his own frustrations and fear on someone who would be happy to return the favour.

‘I’ll be as arrogant as I fucking well please if it means she is kept alive!’ All his good intentions of remaining impartial had vanished, Cullen only barely keeping himself in check as he resisted the urge to slam his fist squarely into his prisoner’s jaw. ‘Did you see just how shattered the Inquisitor was? Barely able to stand upright, just to save your sorry carcass. Even now, laying all that she, and so many others, have worked for on the line, just to rescue your lying, pathetic hide. You know how long it’s going to take her to recover from this? All because you can’t tell the difference between a toy sword and a real one? You truly are a selfish cunt, as well as a blind one.’

‘Selfish? Hah! You still refuse to see the obvious don’t you, even as it’s lain before you in all its gory detail! You stood by and let men, women, children, every day, be abused because of who they were, nothing more, nothing less. Don’t kid yourself that you were doing Thedas a fucking favour! You disparage me for my greed, but there you were, acting out of pure selfishness! Because even now, you’re fucking terrified of magic! It had nothing to do with what was best for everyone else, and everything to do with what was best for you. So, I ask you again, what’s the difference between us?’

Cullen didn’t reply for a moment, his blood roaring in his hears and his heart pounding, sweat pouring off him as he trembled from the force of his anger – anger directed at himself. The painful truths of his past were being flung back in his face, the unease he’d felt since Blackwall’s disappearance finally clear. The parallels between them both were too obvious for him to ignore, both of them seeking redemption from the terrible miscalculations they’d made, both of them with the blood of innocents on their hands – and yet with no real means of understanding how to forgive and move forward.

‘I have confessed my crimes, Commander, and spent years trying to repair the damage.’ Blackwall stood back slightly, raking his scathing gaze up and down and finding something still lacking. ‘When are you going to truly confess yours, to the one person who matters? Because you haven’t told her any of it, have you, despite the fact that you’re going to hurt her far more than I ever could? You’re as much of a bloody coward as I am! You call that love? She deserves so much better than your bullshit.’

With that assessment, Cullen couldn’t disagree. He’d been shown exactly the same in the Fade, the memories crippling him even now, his constant excuse of lack of time meaningless when faced with the ultimate judgement of death. Perhaps this was what Leaena had intended, to force his eyes open at last, to strip the animosity and pain away and understand, truly, how he could begin to redeem himself before he could offer her anything more.

_Joining the Inquisition – it was but the start of my journey, and Blackwall’s._

_It appears we still have quite some way to go, even now._

‘You are correct. We are both good at following orders, it would seem. So good that, between us we may account for some of the most notorious and violent deaths in southern Thedas.’ Cullen’s sudden acceptance of Blackwall’s argument had the other man momentarily disconcerted. ‘We signed up to the Inquisition for the same reason, you and I. To escape a nightmare of our own making, and to make the world better as a result.’

Blackwall didn’t reply, his eyes filled with shadows and mistrust as he waited for Cullen to continue. The antagonistic atmosphere was no less charged, but at least his nose was no longer in danger of being broken again. It was an unwelcome realisation that the fury he’d felt had been fear – of himself, reflected so clearly in the infuriated man opposite.

_To see what could have been._

_She wants this? So be it, if it will make her happy._

‘The Maker has provided us with a second chance. One exceptional woman sees something in both of us that we thought had long been destroyed. There, however, the similarities between us end.’ Cullen’s eyes bore into Blackwall, the warrior stubbornly refusing to back down even as confusion spread across his face. ‘I said this to you once before, and I will say it again now. She sees something in you that is worthy of saving. What, I have no fucking clue. But, I have finally found someone whose orders are worth obeying and in this I will not disappoint her. Much though it goes against my better judgement to do so.’

Without warning, Cullen turned and strode out of the cell, yanking the door shut as the key turned stiffly in the lock. He barely noticed, the need to escape the close rankness of the musty prison swamping him. Leaena had forced this confrontation between the two of them for a reason, of that he was well aware. It was time to bring it to a close, the flashbacks and bloody faces of history parading through his mind as a result of Blackwall’s provocation shoved hard once again right to the very depths of his brain so he could at least pretend to function.

‘You will live, Thom Ranier. The Inquisitor has made her wishes on this subject apparent, and asked for my confirmation. Death is too easy an escape for you.’ Cullen didn’t bother to hide his contempt, a part of him unwilling to accept even now how similar their actions had been. ‘You want to repay your debt to society? Very well. You will serve the Inquisition for as long as we need you. Then you may go to the Grey Wardens once your service is complete. Should you survive the Joining, I am sure they would appreciate a warrior of your aptitude and charm.’

The sarcasm in his last sentence wasn’t lost on Blackwall, glaring at him from the other side of the rusty bars as the gate clanged firmly shut.

‘Charm? I’ll leave the arsing around to you, seeing as it suits you so well.’ Turning his back on Cullen, he sat once more, morosely staring into the dark. ‘If the Inquisitor sees fit to send me to the Wardens, then I accept my fate. My gratitude belongs to her, not you, and I shall tell her in person. Just so we’re clear. And now, you can bugger off, if you’re done insulting me.’

‘I have no interest in your thanks or gratitude. Don’t fuck this up, Ranier. I’ll stick your head in the noose myself if you ever betray Leaena’s trust again.’

‘It’s not me who’s lying to her any more, is it?’ Jeering laughter followed Cullen as he made his way down the empty corridor, using every ounce of control to not turn back and ram Blackwall’s head repeatedly into the granite wall. ‘You know what I mean. You hurt Lea again, Commander, and you’ll face far worse than a hanging.’

Cullen didn’t deign to reply, his teeth clamping shut as he stormed away from their prisoner, those last taunting words ringing in his ears. The repercussions from that difficult conversation he added to the list of everything else still to process, not the least Leaena’s insistence that it occurred in the first place. He couldn’t help but feel hurt that she’d put him in such a position, the horror of his own mistakes thrust into the spotlight as much as Blackwall’s – something she’d deliberately forced onto him.

_Why didn’t she just talk to me?_

_I would have listened – wouldn’t I?_

Even as he paused at the foot of the stairs, leaning against the wall and struggling for air, Cullen knew the answer. He was exhausted and drained after the verbally violent confrontation, sweat beading on his brow as he fought to regain his composure. The hideous visions were only just being held at bay as he rested his hands on his thighs, bending over and breathing deeply in an attempt to return to some semblance of normalcy.

His hands shaking as he returned to standing, he wiped the excess sweat away from his brow, miraculously making his feet work as he made his way up the steps. With one final effort, he dragged his mind back to the present and away from facts that would plague him forever, focusing on the fastest way he and Leaena could extract themselves from the social niceties and get some much needed rest.

‘Cullen, there you are!’ Trystan strode towards him, breaking away from the intense discussion Leaena, Gaspard and Josephine were having around the desk. ‘What in the Maker’s name happened?’

‘Blackwall wasn’t Blackwall, which we knew, and was Thom Ranier instead,’ Cullen replied as they shook hands. ‘That’s essentially the basics. Your sister wants him out of jail and back with the Inquisition. Somehow, we need to make that happen for her.’

‘You don’t sound overly pleased about it either. What did the two of you say to each other? Or perhaps I should be grateful that I’m not calling for the healers.’ Trystan gave him an astute glance, not fooled for one moment by Cullen’s casual dismissal of the situation. ‘It’s not like you’re bosom bows after all. Something has gotten to you, Cullen and it’s not good.’

‘It’s not about me right now, regardless of how I feel personally about the situation.’ Cullen refused to be drawn, finding it easier to focus on fulfilling Leaena’s wishes than home truths Blackwall had viciously revealed. ‘Leaena wants him rescued somehow. What’s Gaspard’s take?’

‘Personally he’d be happy to release Blackwall to the Inquisition’s custody, removing a politically tricky beast from his own doorstep. Practically, every noble is baying for blood, something the Emperor can’t ignore.’ Trystan’s assessment summed up Cullen’s own estimation, despairing inwardly at how much time and effort Blackwall was costing them. ‘Either way, you won’t see him walking free today.’

‘If I had my choice, he’d rot in that cell forever,’ Cullen snarled, forgetting for a moment where he was as Trystan gave him a warning look. ‘Don’t worry – I’m not about to cause a scene, but you bloody well know why. It goes beyond his old crimes.’

‘None of us have pasts we’re particularly proud of, Cullen.’ Trystan’s voice had dropped so low he could barely hear him above the discussion taking place before them. ‘Isn’t that what we’re here to do? Change things for the better? Or are some of us beyond saving?’

‘I – never mind,’ Cullen muttered, seeing Leaena catch his eye, her slight hesitation needling the irrational sense of hurt he’d felt since she’d made him deal with such a confrontation. ‘Let’s see if we can find a temporary solution and get some sleep.’

‘Commander Cullen,’ Gaspard greeted him, motioning him up from the bow he’d managed to execute. ‘It is good to see you again. I wish it could have been under more pleasant circumstances.’

‘We are grateful for your assistance in this matter, your Majesty.’ Absurdly, Cullen wanted to laugh at Josephine’s prim look of approval at his proper address, wondering just how badly behaved he must have been in the past for her to doubt. ‘I understand it will take some time for the negotiations to complete with regards the man we know as Blackwall. The Inquisitor has expressed her wishes on the matter?’

‘She has.’ Gaspard shook his head slightly, confirming what Cullen already suspected. ‘This is a delicate situation, as you can understand. I sympathise with your request, but it will take some negotiation. I have, at least, cancelled the order for both executions and issued a pardon for Mornay. It seemed fitting, given the culprit responsible has turned himself in. Ranier is the last remaining senior officer we needed to find. An awkward situation all round.’

‘Indeed,’ Leaena agreed, as keen to end this particular round of negotiation as he was. ‘For you to come here in person and aid us, Gaspard, is a favour I will struggle to repay. Might I suggest we reconvene in more comfortable surroundings once Josephine and Michel have drafted an initial set of terms from both sides?’

‘I saw you hiding a yawn, my lady Trevelyan,’ Gaspard chuckled, far more the down to earth soldier he was than the ruler of an empire. ‘Let us reconvene at a later hour – there is some intelligence I would share with you which is of mutual benefit, but can wait for now. In the meantime, you will all be my guests tomorrow evening. There is a dinner then the opening of the Musée de l'Armée Orlais – the one I wrote to you about. Consider your attendance payment of the favour you just mentioned.’

‘Of course. I had that down to accept on your behalf, Inquisitor. This has worked out better than I originally planned.’ Josephine beamed at Gaspard and Michel, who had come to escort the Emperor back to his mount. ‘We look forward to seeing you there. It promises to be a splendid affair.’

‘It’s not that bad Cullen!’ Michel was cheerful despite the lack of sleep as he came to take his leave. ‘Dancing, gossip, nobles. Your favourite things, all under one roof.’

‘Do you have to remind me?’ To say Cullen was dismayed to hear what he’d have to face tomorrow was an understatement. ‘Give me a dozen Raniers to chase down any day of the week over some fancy Orlesian party.’

‘You’ll survive. I’ll send a tailor for you. Trystan can show you how to fix your sash for the occasion, in case you’d forgotten. Can’t ever be sure with a Ferelden, after all.’ 

Before Cullen could retort over Trystan’s snort of laughter, Michel disappeared after Gaspard with a cheerful wave goodbye. Josephine was busy gathering up her papers as Cullen went and issued further instructions for Blackwall’s internment. Only half his mind was on his task, feeling Leaena silently watching him, able to sense the conflict raging, something the argument with Blackwall had merely intensified. He could only supress the flood of emotion, knowing at some point she would want answers but without the faintest notion of how he’d even begin to respond.

The lingering sting still digging into his chest, that she’d knowingly forced the issue dissipated the moment his eyes finally met his, her own guilt and anxiety for him blowing away his own wounded pride. All that mattered was Leaena, the illogical sensations he couldn’t banish all borne out of fear of her rejection – and something he simply had to ignore. Now was not the time to dredge up the past, sensing she was near collapse as a result of their punishing ride. The black anger rose again, that Blackwall had placed her in such a precarious position, Cullen almost blinded by his rage as he walked towards the exit rather than charge back down the stairs.

‘It’s been a long day everyone, and it’s not even lunch. Let’s head to the Inquisition headquarters.’ Leaena gave him a tentative smile, knowing all too well what had caused such a spike of temper. ‘I for one will be glad for some peace after such an eventful few days.’

‘And an opening to attend tomorrow as well. Lucky us,’ Cullen grumbled with a hint of a grin as he tried to lighten the mood, not wanting her to worry. ‘Why didn’t you save me, Josephine? I haven’t a thing to wear, after all.’

‘I am sure the Orlesian nobles wouldn’t complain either way, Commander.’ Josephine remained serene as he flushed, managing a rueful smile at everyone’s laughter. ‘But don’t fret. I shall arrange for something for Lea. Perhaps we should go shopping later? Some light relief is called for, especially after such a trying few days.’

‘If that’s your plan, then I’m borrowing Cullen for the afternoon.’ Trystan shot him a grin as Cullen heaved an inward sigh of relief. ‘There are some matters that we should discuss. Reports out of Par Vollen are……interesting to say the least.’

‘The Qunari?’ Leaena looked with consternation at her brother as they reached their horses, Cullen relieved to see the crowds of earlier had completely disappeared. ‘What could they possibly be doing that impacts on us?’

‘Not us, sister. Tevinter. Which could lead to us. But let’s discuss this later. It’s nothing urgent, and I suspect that’s what Gaspard would like to discuss directly with you. Let’s move – it’s only a few minutes to our embassy. Have you seen it since its redecoration Josephine? I think you’ll approve.’

Cullen bought up the rear, continually surveying the streets as they rapidly made their way towards the more exclusive mansions of Val Royeaux. All of them were vigilant, fully aware that one well-timed arrow could end Leaena’s life as surely as a bolt of fire from Corypheus himself.

Trystan’s mention of the Qunari focussed him on all the new threats that seemed to be appearing just when they thought they were close to the end. In addition to crazed magisters convinced of their own godhood, spies were becoming an increasingly frequent problem, from every nation in Thedas. Whilst a certain amount were to be expected, the influx had been so marked even Leliana was perturbed, some seemingly with no affiliation at all – the ones they managed to catch and interrogate anyway.

What they hoped to achieve remained a mystery, Cullen reminding himself to have a forcible word with Alistair and Cadan when he next saw them both to rein in their operatives. Leaena had created one of the most transparent organisations he’d ever come across, making no secret of her goals or ambitions. Josephine had established a network of embassies and consulates in almost every major centre and trading post of Thedas – Par Vollen the notable exception – with a series of diplomatic visits for Leaena to undertake once they felt it safe for her to do so.

_Bloody politics. As if I needed this headache to get any worse!_

_Or I could think about Blackwall and the past. Let’s not._

For once, Josephine and the tedious machinations she delighted in were infinitely preferable for him to dwell on than his own turbulent thoughts. Blackwall and his scathing comparison had sliced open his wounds even further, festering the longer he refused to address their impact. He needed space and quiet, of which there had been precious little recently.

Deciding that when he was half-asleep in his saddle simple wasn’t the right time either, Cullen steered his thoughts back to the upcoming few days in Val Royeaux, attempting to cheer himself up at the thought of the fine collection of military history that would be on display. His spark of interest was immediately extinguished, however, when he recalled the last time they’d attended an Orlesian party.

_An empress dead, a traitor revealed._

_My most cherished dream, warped by a demon and severed by my blade. The most beautiful woman at the ball shattering my heart into a million pieces as she left, lost to me forever._

No, that had not been a successful evening, the chain reaction of events after the Winter Palace almost as traumatic for Cullen to revisit as the dark years of Kirkwall. With a shake of his head, he looked around again, taking slow, deep breaths as he stared at the imposing black iron gates of the Inquisition’s Orlesian headquarters. He’d been so absorbed in all he’d nearly lost he’d not realised they’d finally arrived.

‘Now, this is a welcome sight.’ Josephine looked around the ornate entrance with delight. ‘They have done a fine job with that centrepiece, and the masonry work on those walls is exceptional. Ah, here we go. Welcome, Inquisitor, to your embassy. I trust it will meet with your approval.’

‘You have outdone yourself Josephine. Simple décor as well, the opposite to our Orlesian friends. You know me too well.’ Leaena’s smile of pleasure had the Ambassador blushing slightly as she ushered them all inside. ‘Trystan, you have been living the high life whilst we’ve been ensconced in an ancient pile of bricks in the middle of a mountain range. I find I’m somewhat envious. Appreciative though I am of Skyhold and the security it offers, this is far superior in terms of comfort and culture.’

‘Send Cullen next time then.’ Trystan’s impudent grin grew as Cullen scowled at his friend’s jest. ‘It’s him I have to thank really. If your Commander would learn to appreciate the finer things in life a little more, then both of you could enjoy all that Val Royeaux has to offer.’

‘Care to tell Cassandra that?’ Cullen managed a grin of his own as Trystan and the others started to laugh, knowing just what the Seeker’s reaction would be. ‘No, thought not. You’d rather be in that fortress any day of the week, as would she.’

They’d made their way to one of the grandest staircases Cullen had ever seen, pleased his poor attempts at humour had made Leaena laugh. The last thing he could face now was a detailed cross analysis of the enraged words he’d exchanged with Blackwall. Instead , he quietly following behind an animated Josephine, thanking the servants who’d come to greet the Inquisitor’s arrival. Recalling his earlier deliberations, his gaze swept over them once more, mainly elves, mostly watching Leaena with a look of awe and confus as to why such a great personage would treat them with dignity and respect.

_Too many conundrums. One thing at a time._

It was with no little relief that they were ushered into Leaena’s suite of rooms, Cullen momentarily amused by the lack of his own belongings as the butler politely showed him where his own quarters were, mere moments down the corridor.

‘I’m still not used to this,’ he chuckled as he closed the door and locked it, intent that no one would disturb her rest. ‘You have your palace and I have mine, just down the corridor.’

‘I shall allow you to share, if you promise to be extra good.’ Leaena had unbuttoned her cloak already and was pulling off her boots, groaning in relief as her bare feet sunk into the thick cream carpet. ‘Maker save me, I know this is a complete luxury and ridiculously opulent, but right now I am so glad we spared no expense. I need luxury like you wouldn’t believe.’

‘Keeping up appearances, Inquisitor, is of vital importance.’ Cullen was slowly peeling off his armour as he looked around their home for the next week, rubbing his neck to remove the tension that never seemed to go away. ‘Hey, don’t give me that look! You said it, not me!’

‘No, Josephine said that and I agreed with her. If you want to be permanent attaché to the Orlesian court, however Commander, I can arrange – shit, this bathtub is the size of Lake Calenhad!’ Leaena broke off her teasing as she continued to explore the various rooms provided for her with some amazement. ‘There are few perks to being Inquisitor, but luxurious rooms once in a while is not something I’ll ever complain –.’

Leaena didn’t get a chance to continue as Cullen caught her waist from behind, almost frantic in his need to feel her lips against his as he felt himself snap inside, the lack of sleep and intensity of the morning hitting him in one enormous wave. He had to do anything that would obliterate the sour churning in his stomach and the remorse breaking his heart.

Her sweet, soft kisses in response as she turned, winding her arms around his neck merely fuelled the warring emotions cleaving him in two. Cullen was on the verge of tears, desperate to spill his soul but terrified of the rejection he was by now convinced awaited. Even now, after all they’d survived, the stark memory of her anguished flight all those months ago was all he could see – right there with every single mistake he’d ever made, the consequences of his actions still on display for the world to revile. All the lives he’d ruined left him bereft, the deep-rooted insecurities he’d fought so hard to banish charging to the surface, his own protective barriers falling in the face of sheer exhaustion.

‘Cullen.’ He was too far gone to disassemble, Leaena immediately guessing something had pushed his tolerance too far – her glorious eyes dim from tiredness and a concern he didn’t deserve. ‘What’s wrong? Please, will you talk to me now? I don’t want to push, but I think you need to….’

‘I – I –.’ The words wouldn’t form, Cullen unable to do anything but cup her beloved face, his thumbs making incessant circles over her cheeks in a vain attempt to stop her from worrying. ‘Can we lie down? I’m so tired, Leaena…I’m sorry for everything….I can’t – I can’t right now….’

‘Ssh, my love, you’ve done nothing wrong. This is my fault, I should have known better……you don’t have to talk, just sleep….it will be better, I promise….’

He barely heard her, the downy pillows or the soft bed going unnoticed as they both crawled under the covers fully dressed. All he felt was blissful peace as the scent of orange blossom enveloped him, Leaena drawing him close as he rested his head on her chest, her arms securely around him as her fingers gently massaged his scalp. The sound of her steadily beating heart lulled him as he pulled her closer, curling up next to her in a protective ball as he desperately prayed the demons would stay away from his sleep.

_Just for now, please, leave me be…._

‘Sorry, this isn’t what……I didn’t mean…..thought it was right…..thought I protected…..the danger……but never…..you….’

For some obscure reason his brain thought now would be an excellent time to explain away the monumental destruction he’d caused over his life. Syllables were slurring into each other as he fought to stay awake, terrified of the nightmares that would surely follow and driven by a spurt of urgency to be honest with her, for once. His innermost desires, revived once more, seemed impossible, the havoc he’d wreaked on so many placing a stranglehold on hopes he could never fully claim. Choking fear racked him, the crushing certainty he’d lose everything he’d worked so hard to regain holding him hostage even as he drifted between awake and asleep.

‘Don’t say anything now. There’s all the time in the world to talk. Just rest. There will be no bad dreams, no going into the Fade. I am here with you, my love, you can sleep with no fear. It’s over now you are safe with me….’

Cullen’s uncontrollable panic slowly receded as Leaena’s gentle voice calmed his bruised, frightened soul, the sapphires soothing the uncontrollable anxiety as nothing else could. As her fingers worked their magic, he felt himself steadily relax, a healing sleep claiming him. His mind, thankfully, ceased its incessant replays of a tormented history he had tried so hard to repair, seemingly with little success. It was a brief respite, but one he needed, having thought of little else since his return all those weeks ago.

_My lady, my love…._

_My future, my saving grace….._

He had no idea if he spoke out loud or not as those final, beautiful words drifted across his mind, prompted by the vision of pure perfection that greeted his eyes as he opened them for one last time. A lance of sunlight created a halo of white light around Leaena’s ethereal beauty, a vision of purity that made Cullen smile as he considered her potential reaction to such a statement.

The delicate pressure of her lips against his, whispers of love and reassurance settling contentedly in his heart, was all Cullen registered as blessed oblivion claimed him a split second later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation to English:  
> Qui sont ces gens? - Who are these people?  
> Ces parvenus! Comment osent -ils - These upstarts! How dare they.
> 
> Cullen:  
> Nous sommes l'inquisition. Nous n’avons pas besoin de votre permission. Vous avez pris un member de l’inquisition en garde à vue. l'inquisiteur veut lui parler. Jusqu'à elle aura fini, vous me rendrez le contrôle du prison. Comprenez vous?
> 
> We are the Inquisition. We do not need your permission. You have taken one of our members into custody. The Inquisitor wants to speak with him. Until she is done, you will turn this prison over to me. Do you understand?


	104. Redemption Road

‘Maker’s Breath! What time……oh I’m sorry…..’

‘Hmmm……don’t….leave me – why do you have to go?’

Rudely interrupted from a blessedly dreamless sleep as the comfortable heat from Cullen’s arm left her suddenly cold, Lea peered blearily through the crack of one eye at the tousled head watching her apologetically. Her half-mumbled protest at his abrupt departure was met with a crooked smile, guaranteed to have her wide awake every time, so irresistibly handsome did he look to her dopey brain.

_But, Cullen, no…..why so sad, my love?_

‘Nightm –,’ Lea didn’t miss Cullen’s hasty change of words but decided to let it slide, making a face of distaste as she noticed her filthy clothes.’ ‘I just woke, that’s all. I didn’t mean to disturb you, but I was keen to change into something more comfortable.’

‘I’m not ever going to mind you waking me up, especially if it means I get to be with you. How do you feel?’

Her fingers lightly brushed the stray locks of hair to one side, returning his smile automatically with a hesitant one of her own as the events of the previous day crashed through her mind once more. Blackwall, Cullen’s ashen face as he returned from the prison basement, his eyes glazed with pain as he relived memories so dark Lea hadn’t known if he’d even been in the present any more. He’d barely managed to communicate by the time they’d found their chambers. It had been all she could do to coax him to sleep, his body trembling so violently and his mind so detached from the physical reality he hadn’t even noticed as he finally, mercifully, passed out.

_All my fault._

_What was I thinking, to force that confrontation at such a time?_

‘I’m…better.’ Cullen’s halting reply wasn’t lost on her this time as he made his own attempt at pushing away the unruly curls. ‘Sleep always helps. Just because I’m awake doesn’t mean you have to be though. You need to rest even more than I do.’

‘Cullen – ,‘ she stopped, chewing her lip as she decided against tackling the subject that had worried her for far too long. ‘It may be the middle of the night but why don’t we both get up? I don’t want to be these clothes any more than you do. What were you planning on doing, seeing as you’re wide awake?’

‘Work. What else is there to do whilst we’re stuck in this infernal viper’s nest? I was going to hunt down the dispatches that would have arrived yesterday and try to make a dent in the worst of it. Well,’ he added with a self-conscious glance down at his crumpled shirt, ‘and change. Possibly have a bath.’

‘A bath is an excellent idea. If you find it within you to avail yourself of the superior facilities only a city such as this can provide.’ She cocked her head to one side with a scolding glance, laughing even in spite of Cullen’s evident distaste of the Orlesian capital. ‘It’s not that bad –.’

Lea didn’t get to say anything more as she gasped, the unexpected but highly pleasurable sensation of Cullen’s lips on hers cutting short her lecture. Deciding there were worse places to be stuck in with her Commander than the luxurious surroundings of the Inquisitor’s chambers, her arms snaked around his neck, both of them taking their time to enjoy the drowsy kisses which she’d not had nearly enough of in recent weeks.

‘I would be perfectly happy, my lady, to continue with this particular activity and see just where it takes us.’ The skin behind her left ear seemed to have quadrupled in sensitivity as the heat of Cullen’s breath lingered, Lea sighing in frustration as he moved away. ‘But I’m mindful that Master Dennett’s stables smell better than I probably do right now.’

‘Oh I don’t know,’ Lea murmured with a lazy grin, a handful of Cullen’s shirt in her fist as she slowly drew him right back. ‘Hot sweaty Cullen ranks high on my list of naughty pleasures. I’d be delighted to prove it to you, if you like.’

‘Are you seduc–,’

This time Lea didn’t allow him to continue, her grin widening as she felt him shudder from the light flicker of her tongue across his lips. For another fact had just dawned on her, far more important than her own selfish wants. Just for one day, whether he liked it or not, Cullen wouldn’t be able to hide his own needs behind whatever disaster happened to befall her at that given moment. Today, there would be laughter, fun and nothing more taxing to bother them than laughing at the gaudy assortment of Orlesian nobles whilst admiring the collection she knew he’d been secretly dying to see.

‘I know it’s at some horrendous hour of the morning, and I’ve left your present in Skyhold, but - happy birthday, Cullen.’

He blinked at her, naked desire in the amber depths warring with confusion, unsure as to why she’d stopped such a thoroughly enjoyable kiss before her words sank in.

‘Birthday?’ Cullen sat back on the bed, rubbing his neck in bewilderment. ‘I’d forgotten. A whole year since I arrived in Haven. Thirty-three…..shit, where did the time go?’

‘Killing demons and monsters, not to mention trying to save the world,’ she quipped back with a smile. ‘The weeks tend to run away with us under those circumstances. So, seeing as it is your special day – which begins now, regardless of what time it is – what do you want to do?’

The exaggeratedly appraising look he gave her in response to her unthinking question had her clapping a hand over her mouth to stifle her giggles, Cullen starting to laugh as well as she threw a pillow at his head.

‘You know what I mean, you bad man! And don’t wince – as if a feather pillow is going to hurt a warrior of your prowess and might.’ She stuck her tongue out at him before dodging across the bed to avoid a cushion that sailed through the air out of nowhere. ‘Where did you find that! Cushions hurt far worse than pillows I’ll have you – oh!’

Lea found herself unceremoniously scooped off the bed, Cullen carrying her across the room in his arms as if she weighed no more than a feather. It was a state of affairs she was more than content with, her arms slipping up around his neck as she continued to laugh, nestling her head into his shoulder.

‘This bed was littered with them, which you clearly didn’t notice. I’m surprised, given you shoved the wretched things all onto my side, leaving this mighty warrior with no room whatsoever.’ He grinned down at her, all traces of the shadows Lea had sensed when they’d first awoken seemingly banished, much to her relief. ‘And, seeing as we’re both in agreement of our need to scrub ourselves, I suggest you wave those elegant hands of yours and provide us with some bath water. If you’ve got mana enough to fill the lake they’ve provided us with, that is.’

‘A bath together? You’ve put me to the blush with such an outrageous suggestion, ser knight.’ Lea waved her hand as Cullen gently set her on her feet, the cold of the marble floor making her toes wriggle. ‘There we go – Maker, it is truly enormous! I might just be able to swim round you in circles. Now, let’s see –.’

‘Wait.’

Lea turned in surprise at the intensity at Cullen’s request, the globe of light shining in her palm extinguishing immediately. Her initial panic that something had gone wrong yet again faded as shyness took its place. That unidentifiable question that had lingered between them both since Satinalia was all she could think of as her mouth dried, words unable to form under the warmth of his gaze. Deciding the safest course of action was to say nothing in case she blurted out something foolishly romantic, she waited, her heart hammering in anticipation – of what she still refused to put a name to.

_Well, I did once. But that was different._

_We aren’t dying right now. Since then, nothing and everything has changed and – I can’t. Not yet._

‘Have you not noticed how bright it is outside?’ Swallowing hard as a warm palm found its way next to hers, Cullen led her over to one of the enormous floor-to-ceiling windows, brightness flooding the chamber as she exclaimed in delight. ‘See – it’s just the park beyond and nothing to ruin your view whilst you relax. I thought you’d prefer to see the stars rather than some dull candles.’

‘It is beautiful,’ she mused, relieved and yet disappointed to have lost the opportunity to explore the unidentifiable question further. ‘I wonder when we will see Satina again. It is due to make an appearance any week now.’

‘I look forward to it.’ One finger was softly following the curve of her cheek, Lea only vaguely aware of the need to breathe as she stood, amazed at just how incoherent she’d become from a single caress alone. ‘Have I told you just how beautiful you look by the light of the moon? When – when I thought it was all over and again, when I woke up, at first I thought you were an angel. I was convinced I’d arrived at the Maker’s side, you looked so perfect.’

‘Ange – I am certainly no angel,’ Lea stammered, blushing furiously yet absurdly pleased to hear such a romantic compliment from Cullen. ‘You know my many flaws perhaps better than I know myself. I am also beyond delighted that you’re standing here alive, rather than on the other side of the Veil. But th-thank you. What’s bought this on?’

‘Because I don’t tell you nearly enough, which changes as of now. What you perceive to be flaws are merely another dimension to the vivacious, compassionate, determined soul you are – a personality which, by the way, has captivated me from the moment I met you. It’s another part which makes you the remarkable woman you are. I would not change a single thing about you, my lady.’ The finger on her cheek was now tracing her bottom lip, her vain attempts at breathing having gone out the window several seconds ago. ‘I am blessed beyond measure, that you have chosen to be with this lowly soldier – one who has so little to offer you in return.’

It was hard for her to keep quiet, shame at praise she hadn’t earned warring with delight at such poetic, heartfelt words Cullen almost never expressed. Yet, after what she’d subjected him to earlier, curbing her selfish impatience was the least she could do. There was something he wanted to say, the tumult of emotions he’d loosened seemingly unable to be held back any more.

_Thank the Maker._

‘I am not an easy man to love, Leaena. But – I am forever grateful that you do, even though I am not sure what I did to deserve such a priceless gift.’ Cullen’s hoarse whisper was a dagger through her heart, that he still believed himself unworthy, in spite of the enormity of what they’d survived.

‘I cherish every moment we have together. When we’re torn apart, the most vital part of me is missing. I’m incomplete, until the second I see you galloping towards Skyhold’s gates and the deadening pain caused by your absence vanishes. Even then, my world isn’t right again until I hear my name on your lips and your laughter ringing across the Main Hall. That special smile, just for me, the sapphire eyes that I constantly dream of, sparkling with joy as you finally catch sight of me? Only then do I start to live once more.’

‘Contrary to what you believe, nothing comes more naturally to me than loving you.’ Lea was shaken to the core, battling the tears that threatened to fall from the honesty she could hear behind such simple words. ‘There has only ever been you, Cullen. With you in my life, I want for nothing. You are my champion who, for all the challenges flung into your path, meets every single one head on with a courage and resolve like the hero of legend you’ve become. I am so incredibly proud of you for all your triumphs – both the battles the world sees and the battles you fight inside.’

‘That fight – it continues still. Sometimes, I wonder if I will ever emerge victorious. How can I ask you to be my – to – there is so much you don’t know!’ Cullen’s eyes burned naked and raw with emotion as his voice cracked, his hands now clasping hers so tightly her fingers were numb. ‘I have so much to tell you, but yet I can’t. I – Leaena – I’m scared you’ll leave me. I am honoured indeed to be likened to a hero, but when you hear the whole sorry mess, you’ll realise how much you misjudged me.’

‘Is that not how history will remember us both? The vanquishing Inquisitor with her heroic Commander by her side, leading her armies to a victory so emphatic none could remember just how reviled the Inquisition was at the start, nor how ramshackle.’ Lea had to get him to see reason, to make him understand, or they’d both be on a fast track to ruin that they’d struggle to return from. ‘It’s all bullshit, Cullen! A fantasy, spun to persuade the masses we aren’t going to burn everyone in their beds! Shades of a far more famous story, don’t you think? Andraste was far from the saint she’s made out to be now, and as for Maferath well we all know what happened there don’t we?’

‘Are you suggesting I’m going to turn you over to Corypheus in exchange for the safety of Orlais? I think you’ll find yourself safe on that score at least.’ A hint of amusement had entered Cullen’s voice as Lea tilted her head in mock irritation, the atmosphere lightening once more as he gave her a wry smile. ‘Thank you for such an unflattering comparison. Isn’t there someone else you could have come up with?’

‘That’s not what I mean and you know it – I don’t give a damn what history says! Neither of us will be around to appreciate the irony anyway. The point is this – you are _my_ hero and that is all that matters. Time and time again, you have proven just how truly exceptional a person you are! Who else would have the presence of mind to find my phylactery and prevent me from reflattening Kirkwall? Who else would have the fortitude and dedication to carry me all the way from Samson’s lair back to Skyhold? Eight bloody weeks! And who the fuck else would have the courage to charge after his sorry red lyrium-charged hide, shove him through an eluvian and save my life yet again? No one asides from my indomitable, stubborn, gorgeous Commander, that’s who!’

Breathing had resumed, Lea realised absently, her chest rising and falling rapidly as she paused mid-way though her impassioned speech. Cullen had fallen still, his lips parted as a silent protest withered to nothing, the hint of self-loathing she’d sensed earlier fading away. He was staring at her, consternation all she could sense as he struggled to accept the fundamental truth of her statement. Gently, she raised a hand to cup his face, smoothing away the fine creases around his eyes, caused by horrors no mortal should ever have suffered through.

‘I’m well aware that, even now, we have still to share a large proportion of our past. What you have lived through, however – what you have witnessed! – leaves me stunned.’ She didn’t want to preach at him, all while her own terror, that he’d abandon her for lyrium, finally unable to cope, roared through her ears. ‘Regardless of what you tell me though, it won’t matter in one respect at least. Because I know the man you are, even if you’re still trying to find him yourself. He’s my general and my sword and shield, my protector. He’s my best friend and partner, my lover and soulmate. And I am going nowhere without him right by my side, where he belongs.’

The silence stretched as she tailed off, Cullen resting his head unconsciously in her palm, seeking out the comfort and security Lea knew she represented. His faith had been tested yet again, pushed beyond its limits, leaving him disbelieving and sceptical, no matter how hard he’d tried to hide it since the trauma of the Arbor Wilds. They had been repeatedly forced part, bought to their knees begging for respite from the living nightmare they both fought to endure on an all too frequent basis. 

_I’m so sorry I caused you to doubt. In us._

_How can I make this right?_

‘I made the devastating mistake of leaving you once, Cullen. I swear by the Maker, I will never leave you again.’ Lea couldn’t stop the tears from falling this time, the anguish of their multiple separations hitting her so hard in her stomach she nearly doubled over from the shocking pain. ‘Please, trust in me one more time. We will deal with whatever the Fade sent you together. I am here for you. Now and forever.’

It was the most delicate of caresses, Cullen’s lips pressing gently against hers, his fingers tilting her chin and his thumb grazing her jaw. She shivered in response, a combination of sheer pleasure and latent release from deep-rooted anxieties that had disturbed her for far too long. The craving for his touch was as powerful as it had been the first moment she’d lain eyes on him, there never being enough hours in the day to satisfy a need that had merely intensified over time.

Skyhold, and the associated responsibility that came with the Inquisition had been relentlessly unyielding, while the nights bought their own demons, both terrified to sleep but too exhausted to do much but cave to the inevitable. She would wake shrieking, sweating and clawing at her face, clumps of hair in her fists where she’d pulled it out. The first time Cullen had stared at her in shock, demanding answers she refused to give, frightened of his inability to cope with the full extent of Corypheus’ mental torture. The more it continued, the more she tried to ignore it, Cullen eventually abandoning his questions to hold her tight, soothing her until she once more fell back to sleep.

_We are as bad as each other._

_No wonder it has reached this point._

For his nights were no better, Lea bearing bruises where he’d lashed out unthinkingly, trapped in the prison of his mind as she tried her best to rouse him. His cries ripped through her as she finally reached him, the cobalt blue strands pulsing in their revulsion and distress through her soul. All she could do was whisper stories to him, gradually drawing him back to the present as his body shook violently, Cullen clinging to her waist as he sobbed in regret and despair until eventually, he too passed out from fatigue. She was left, wide awake and heartbroken, cradling his head in her lap as her tears fell steadily, despising herself for being unable to end his seemingly eternal torment.

_It ends now._

‘You are a lioness, true to your name. I am a fortunate man, to have you fighting my corner, my lady.’ Cullen’s forehead touched hers, the turbulent gold of his eyes now calmer as he kissed her lightly once more. ‘I do trust you. At the risk of using a terrible cliché courtesy of Varric’s romances, it’s not you, it’s me. I hope you know that.’

‘I will always fight for you, Cullen. You’re mine to defend too, you know.’ She gave a shaky smile at his joke, pleased that he seemed to have taken on board at least some of what she’d been trying to convey. ‘I trust that’s not a precursor for a seriously awkward conversation, given what we just discussed.’

‘Absolutely not. You don’t get rid of me that easily.’ He sighed, running a hand through his hair as he searched for the right words. ‘I just…..give me a little more time. I need to make sense of everything in my own head and there has been precious little opportunity or space to do so. I hate to admit this, but it is actually a relief to be away from the grind of Skyhold, given the circumstances.’

‘If you need a break, Cullen, you just have to say –.‘ Lea’s offer was halted before she could finish, her mind suddenly far more interested in the warmth of the finger against her lips than her own ramblings.

‘I will manage. If I can’t, then I will discuss it with you. Deal? Good,’ he nodded firmly, letting his hand drift down her neck and stroke her collarbone, doing nothing for the shivers which had yet to subside. ‘Are you cold? There are things we can do to fix that particular problem, you know.’

‘You are all too aware that being cold is not the issue here.’ Cullen’s slow grin was infectious, the suspicion he was deliberately diverting her from a far more serious discussion fading under such a sensual caress. ‘You know perfectly well how good that feels. Although, I’m intrigued to know your proposed remedy.’

‘I was hoping you’d ask that question, Inquisitor.’ Deftly, Cullen had undone the buttons on her blouse, pushing the ruined garment off her shoulders and to the floor before his hands slipped to her back to unhook her brassiere. ‘There is a steaming hot bathtub right here. You have far too many clothes on for my liking, although we are addressing that particular problem are we not? Let’s get undressed so we can both climb into that rather enticing pool of water and soak to our heart’s content.’

She alternated between laughter and complete distraction as Cullen’s fingers trailed leisurely across her breasts, then her waist to undo her trousers. Lea gathered her wits together as she scrambled with relief out of the dirty item, already forgotten as she stood naked, taking her turn in admiring her view as he pulled off his shirt. It was her chance for revenge as she heard his breath hitch just a fraction, her nails teasing the coarse line of blonde hair that ran down his abdomen. She took her time to undo the belt, fixated now on the ridge of his erection as she slowly eased his breeches off, only to give a cry of discontent as Cullen firmly grasped her hand, pressing a kiss into her wrist.

‘I think it’s painfully obvious that I want you,’ he chuckled, smiling at her displeasure from being thwarted from such a pleasurable act. ‘Delectable though you are, however, I would prefer to not smell of my horse when we make love.’

‘Point taken,’ Lea grumbled good-naturedly, clasping his hand as she tried and failed to ignore the heat now pooled between her legs, focussing instead on climbing up the steps into the bath. ‘I concede. Let’s not waste too much time then.’

‘Bloody hell, what do they spend on these contraptions?’ Cullen stared down at the steamy water lapping round his waist as they gingerly stepped in.

‘You’ve forgotten the pleasures of a bath, Commander? Not everyone wants to wash in a freezing river you know, even if you’re a Ferelden – oh!’ She spluttered as Cullen splashed a wave of water in her face, blinking the excess drops away. ‘That is not very gentlemanly of you!’

‘I’m sorry,’ he replied with an unrepentant grin. ‘I do believe you were the one accusing me of being a barbarian, however.’

‘Never! But you can’t deny, after these last few days, this is just heavenly.’

Amidst much merriment, both of them finally managed to scrub themselves clean, the grime and weariness of the last few days floating off into the scented water. Lea had by now settled herself on a step, ducking her head under the water and letting the long blond strands flow about her face for a few seconds.

‘Come sit here, between my legs. You’re going to have to let me spoil you – it’s your birthday after all. You never allow me enough chances to do so – which means you had better brace yourself for being thoroughly indulged in whatever you please. I know just the place to start.’

‘It would be churlish to refuse such an offer…..now I’m wounded, when you give me such a look! See, I can behave.’

With a smile and a quick kiss, Cullen joined her, a moan of pleasure making her chuckle as soapy fingers massaged his scalp. She didn’t have to ask if he had a headache, knowing that they’d dogged him the moment he’d seen the look of devastation on her face at Skyhold. A combination of withdrawal, exhaustion and anxiety for her had ensured they held their unrelenting grip on his brain, along with whatever it was he was still now refusing to share with her.

_Today is a special day, the first birthday we have spent together._

_I am not going to ruin things by being maudlin!_

‘Better?’ Lea gently rinsed the soap away from his hair after a few minutes, the peace of the bathing chamber only broken by the odd contented sigh from Cullen. ‘Good. No – don’t move, I’m not done yet.’

‘That feels…’ a groan was the only continuation of sound as his chin fell forward onto his chest, the tips of Lea’s fingers steadily working on his neck muscles. ‘Are you using magic because that is incredible!’

‘I would never use magic on you without permission,’ she replied absently, frowning at one particularly stubborn knot. ‘Aside from those two times, which I still hate myself for. I don’t ever want my magic to come between us.’

‘You saved my life. There’s no need to hate yourself, Leaena. I certainly don’t.’ The water rippled as Cullen took her hands and placed them on his chest, resting against her arms. ‘Amazing though that was, I think I’d rather focus on you, if you don’t mind. After all this time, you’re still upset?’

Lea was taken aback by the sudden change in direction, her confusion and entrenched horror of just what her actions had caused still making her feel sick. It had been her lack of foresight, her lack of support that had driven Cullen to the edge. The after effects of the whole sorry scenario had never truly left her, an invisible barrier she’d not even realised she’d maintained until now.

‘One thoughtless action on my account led to months of heartbreak,’ she whispered, gripping hold of his hands tightly in an effort to control herself. ‘I froze you, for fuck’s sake! I could have shot the lyrium bottle out of your hand, or done something less invasive….and as for the nightmares….you know even now I flinch inside using magic around you, although I can just about cope with bathtubs and candles. I – I’m terrified of making you worse. Especially after the Fade.’

She stopped, startled. It was a truth she’d never acknowledged to herself. Her magic, a fundamental part of who she was – yet because of it, she was scared he’d reject her as a result.

_Even after everything?_

_Even after everything. You’re such a fucking coward, Lea._

‘We really don’t talk enough, do we?’ Cullen’s soft voice compelled her to look at him, his eyes glowing with understanding. ‘Yet here we are, vulnerable in the most physical sense, our mental walls down. There are worst places to make a start.’

‘I – start? What –?‘

‘There are many explanations I owe you, Leaena. Too many to share in one go, which I pray you’ll allow me more time to sort through.’ He sighed, resting his damp head against her stomach as his legs drifted idly out in front of him. ‘Thanks to my inability to share even the most basic details of my past, you are the one left suffering insecurities and doubt. I am sorry I have allowed that to happen.’

‘It’s not just you. We do rely on this -,’ Lea’s hand sprayed droplets of water across them as she motioned to their invisible connection, ‘far too frequently. And we’ve been told off about it on more than one occasion. When we actually manage to get together, there’s never the time to talk, even at Skyhold. You know what I miss? That blissful peace we had at Ostwick. It was just you and me, with all the space in the world to get to know each other, albeit for too brief a period. Even though, now I feel like I’m spouting excuses. I should have made the time for you and I’m sorry I haven’t.’

‘We are both guilty of that, are we not? Which means one good thing – we can begin at the beginning.’ In one swift movement, Cullen was sitting next to her on the step, drawing her close to his warmth. ‘Switch places with me.’

Lea silently obliged, arranging her hair over one shoulder as she draped her arms over his thighs, her nails lightly stroking his knees. It was her turn to sigh in relaxation as strong fingers delicately started to wash her hair, stroking her scalp and easing out the knots caused by days of frantic travel. Closing her eyes, her head tilted forwards, content to let Cullen continue with his task.

‘You’re good at this,’ she murmured in a daze, wondering how she’d ever be able to move again.

‘I had plenty of practice.’ Lea didn’t miss the slight catch to his voice, reminded of a time when he thought she’d been lost to him forever.

‘I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you, by running away.’ Useless apologies seemed to be the only thing she could summon the energy for, Cullen’s hands holding her firmly in place when she tried to flinch away.

‘Do you think for one minute I begrudge a moment of that effort? I would do it all again, just to have you here, now, with me. And besides,’ he finished lightly as he started to rinse her head clean, ‘I like your hair. I don’t need much of an excuse to fiddle with it.’

‘Alright then,’ she agreed, relaxing once more as she remembered her pledge to remain upbeat. ‘You may continue. Consider it part of my gift to you.’

‘How generous of you, Inquisitor.’ The laughter was clear in his indulgent reply, Cullen continuing to tease his fingers through the thick blonde strands in rhythmic strokes that lulled her back to a place of security once more. ‘I have never been fascinated by hair, not till I met you. It was the first thing I saw when you fell out of that rift, this white-blonde mass, my hands just itching to do just what I am now.’

‘Why is it that you always see me at my worst, Commander? Being shoved out of the Fade on numerous occasions is the least of it.’ Lea planted a kiss on his inner thigh, smiling at how ticklish Cullen was. ‘Yet you are always so immaculately groomed.’

‘Groomed? Don’t compare me to one of these Orlesians we have to face later.’ Cullen’s groan made her giggle more. ‘You are effortlessly beautiful, Leaena, with no artifice whatsoever. I never – I never have to pretend with you. Not even from the start. It’s refreshing, to just be myself.’

Again that catch was in Cullen’s voice, the one that made the banter cease as Lea looked up at him, knowing there was something further he wanted to say but with no idea how to go about it. They were both quiet, observing each other, Cullen distractedly slicking back stray hairs behind her ears, the moonlight lancing through the windows casting shadows over them both. All she could hear was the foamy water lapping at the sides of the tub and Cullen’s breath, his chest rising and falling as she raised one wet hand to stroke his face.

‘Tell me, Cullen. Didn’t we just decide that our lack of communication had caused far too many problems? What is on your mind now?’

There was a further pause, Cullen looking embarrassed of all things, before he took a deep breath.

‘I have not shared much detail on my life prior to the Inquisition. Partly because I believed you knew all the important things, or at least what I deemed important, and partly because some of that is too painful to share. I never wanted you to – to feel that you were anything less than perfect, or that I was using you in some way for my – my own – enter-tainment.’

It was so unusual for Cullen’s speech to falter, Lea wasn’t sure how to react. Her heart, so recently made whole once more, started to shatter one tiny piece by piece at the look of shame on Cullen’s face – a look that held no place in their relationship.

‘I have never thought that of you, Cullen. Is this because of what mages have suffered at the hands of more unscrupulous Templars? You were worried I might make the same assumptions about you?’

‘Partly. But I – it goes deeper. I’ve made no secret that I am attracted to powerful mages. None more so than you.’ He’d gone so red, Lea was hurting for him, feeling his own intense discomfort as if it were her own. ‘I’m not supposed to though, am I? I was not supposed to socialise with mages, but I did. Then Uldred took his vengeance out on the Circle and I blamed myself, for getting too close and not keeping my distance. But still I did, even though I should have learnt my lesson. I hated myself even more, for my lack of control.’

‘You know what – we are not going to have this conversation in a bathtub. Let’s get out and get comfortable. There’s still hours left till dawn and I’m certainly not going anywhere. This is too important, Cullen.’

Firmly taking his hand, Lea waded across to the other side of the enormous marble tub where stacks of fluffy towels awaited. They both quickly climbed out, the serenity of the night lost to Lea as she rapidly dried herself off, too intent on continuing this startling line of conversation Cullen had finally started. That it had something to do with what he’d seen in the Fade, and again with the sorry Blackwall mess, she had no doubt – the only question was what she could do to help resolve it. She could sense his shame and anguish, and had her own suspicions about where it came from. There would be only one way she could convince him to forgive himself – but to do that he’d have to tell her the full story.

_I have all night. All day tomorrow too, if it takes. And every day after that._

_I will never give up on you._

Before long they were both back in the enormous bed, Lea sitting cross-legged at one end watching Cullen lie back against the pillows, his headache having returned under the stress of the conversation they were about to have. Taking his hands, she started to gently massage his palms and wrists, slowly but surely feeling him steady under her light touch.  

‘I’m not expecting us to talk about everything in one night,’ she started hesitantly, ‘but this is more than we’ve ever really done. Even beyond Kirkwall, beyond lyrium, beyond the Western Approach. In fact, I think it’s probably the first time we’ve voluntarily sat down and offered information about ourselves to the other without some traumatic event forcing it out of us. So, tell me. What did you mean just now?’

Cullen’s gaze was hooded as he watched her, his face filled with tension and disquiet – why, Lea couldn’t understand, struggling to think what it was that had Cullen so unsettled. There was nothing she could do but sit and wait for him to speak.

‘We have never discussed past lovers, have we. Not in any detail. I have never needed such information – just to know you are with me now is enough. I would never judge you for it, however, if you ever did want to share,’ Cullen added slowly, weighing his words as he spoke. ‘I also have never told you – if you wanted to know, you could have asked.’

‘I did once,’ Lea reminded him with a slight smile. ‘I was somewhat astounded by the answer. But I too, never judged you for it. Whatever it is you want to tell me now, the same rule still applies.’

‘True,’ he acknowledged, returning her smile somewhat more tentatively than normal before his face turned dark once more. ‘Even then, I was not entirely honest with you. I glossed over the details of that particular conversation regarding Freya, and I certainly have lied by omission since. The Fade – the Fade showed me things. I relived parts of my life again, parts I would far rather forget. I haven’t told you everything because, to tell you the truth, I haven’t even figured out the importance of it yet. But in this – this I am sure.’

Cullen stopped talking, sitting forward and taking one of her palms in his instead. His thumb started to stroke circles, finding it easier to stare down at her hand rather than meet her eye. Lea sat calmly, waiting. Whatever he felt more comfortable with, she was happy to follow his lead.

‘The first vision was with me and my siblings. I was about to leave to join the Order. I was a boy – so naïve and proud! I couldn’t see the damage I was causing, convinced in my youthful ignorance that there was no greater thing than to be a Templar, no other way to do all that protecting I was so insistent on doing. I didn’t realise then, just what would happen to me, what I and my family would be sacrificing by sending me to the Order. Once I left, I hardly saw them ever again. You’re well aware of the training and how your old life is replaced by the new – new friends, new teachers, new rules. I was determined to be the best, so I flung myself in head first. All this at least, you know.’

The circling thumb hadn’t stopped, although this time Cullen’s voice dropped lower, harsher in his self-criticism and regret.

‘I was going to be the best Templar. The best ever! That does not mean falling in love with a mage, does it? Those rules I knew inside out. And still, I was tempted, time and time again. I refused until my resistance weakened – my parents died in the Blight, change was afoot in the Tower, and Freya……Freya……I don’t know what happened, until the second vision showed me. She compared me to the others who did take advantage and that hurt. You know the ones – I don’t need to tell you. I had to prove her wrong, that I was not the same. We were each other’s first lovers, two days after she passed her Harrowing. Somehow, we found a way to be together almost every day until a few weeks later when she was called to be a Grey Warden.’

‘How did that make you feel?’ Lea asked, convinced the renewed shattering of her heart could be heard as far back as Skyhold.

_Not for me. For you._

_From such a young age, you suffered._

‘Shit? Stupid, broken, furious. How could she have turned around and left me so easily? I didn’t understand then, of course – I was only just nineteen. I got other – offers, from Templars and mages alike but I refused them all. Just the thought of jumping into bed to satisfy some base need and ease just how much I missed her didn’t appeal to me. Then Uldred struck and nothing was the same, ever again.’ Cullen looked up with a ragged breath of pain, each word spelling out the horror he’d felt. ‘I thought it was my punishment, my weakness for having lain with a mage, for preferring mages over any other – for allowing myself to get close. I was determined for it never to happen again. So, in amongst everything else that took place, off I went to Kirkwall.’

‘The Order shackles you well from a young age does it not?’ Lea murmured sadly. ‘I don’t just mean lyrium. Guilt is just as powerful a tool when forcing someone to submit. Especially a man with a conscience as that runs as deep as yours.’

‘You think so?’ Cullen grimaced as he watched the emotions play across her face. ‘I had no conscience in Kirkwall. Not one that I recognise now anyway. It wasn’t just the abuses I allowed to happen. I cut myself off from everyone. I refused to allow myself the luxury of feeling anything. It was easier, to deal with the fear, to cope with the terrors at night. Everything happened to someone else. My sole focus was protecting people in the manner I felt was most effective, to make sure blood mages could never strike again – could never strike at me again, to be precise. He was right about that, at least.’

Lea remained quiet. She didn’t need to guess that last comment had been part of the vicious row Cullen and Blackwall had yesterday, castigating herself yet again for her stupidity in pushing an issue she should have left well alone. She made herself focus on Cullen’s halting words, biting her lip to prevent tears of sorrow from falling as she watched the drying curls on his head fall forward, his head slumped as his voice thickened in mortification.

‘I let no one into my life, but that didn’t stop me wanting the very thing that was forbidden. I felt dirty and unclean every time I felt attracted to a mage, never more so when they were at the height of their power. Sometimes I caved into the lust and I’d end up embarked on an ill-thought out affair that ended weeks after it started. All I’d be left with was more self-loathing and despair – hating myself for having enjoyed a physical act with someone who represented everything I was so terrified of. Instead, I tried to have relationships with Templars, which was just as much of a disaster.’

 ‘I never had the guts to just speak to a girl on a market stall or even in a tavern – all they saw was the Knight-Captain and they ran in fright.’ The bitter smile Cullen gave at that memory made Lea wince. ‘I even tried the dubious pleasures of a brothel once, but I couldn’t actually get out of there fast enough once I handed over my coin. If all I sought was personal satisfaction then that was something I could manage myself, rather than the humiliation which was all such a quick fix could bring me. Probably the easiest night’s earnings ever for that particular lady.’

Lea didn’t need Cullen to articulate what he was struggling to put into words. It had everything to do with instincts, but not the carnal variety – both of which the Chantry did such an excellent job of forcing its warriors to suppress. It was a quest for love and acceptance, a quest he’d unconsciously started on the moment he’d left behind the world as he knew it to become a Templar.

There was nothing but empathy in her eyes as she regarded Cullen’s bowed head. It was easy to read between the lines, to hear the ache of emptiness of those long years underlying his words, coupled with a biting fear so ingrained he’d never truly escaped its shadow. Continually forced to deny himself something as natural as human comfort and affection, he’d instead forced himself into a position of mistrust, suspicion and anxiety in a desperate bid to survive.

It made her head hurt and her heart bleed, to try and comprehend just how lonely he must have been.

_I had Trystan and my family, at least._

_Cullen had no one._  

‘Behind it all, for ten interminable years, Natalie Hawke was watching, and mocking me. I – there is much more to what the Fade showed me in this particular vision, but it reminded me I hadn’t shared with you the nature of our relationship. It was – antagonistic, for many years. She delights to this day in making the most sarcastic, flippant remarks simply to piss me off, and for a long time I allowed it to.’ Cullen’s rueful smile met with her own as Lea couldn’t resist a small laugh. ‘I know, but I was far too serious and full of my own self-righteous bullshit back then. I deserved it.’

‘I told you what happened in Kirkwall and the events leading up to that night. What I didn’t tell you was that Nathalie and I were arguing almost nightly about what the best approach was to tackle the crises that arose daily. For several weeks before the explosion itself, we were fighting. I’d realised slowly that Meredith was unstable, but I was lacking in proof – and confidence, if I’m honest. Nathalie was pushing me to do more than was within my power. Sometimes, we’d find a resolution and sometimes we’d leave before one of us hit the other. Then one night –.’

He shrugged, Lea again sensing a wave of acute embarrassment from Cullen, already knowing what the next sentence would be before he said it.

‘We ended up having sex. That’s all it was. Angry, frustrated, pent up sex. I guess there was some sort of strange attraction between us, but we were too busy shouting at each other for it to ever emerge, thank the Maker. She’d drive me mad in a day. She did, as a matter of fact. Plus, she was in some sort of strange unrequited love triangle with the Prince of Starkhaven and I suspect I was some kind of…’

‘Foil? Distraction?’ Lea supplied, all while poking around inside of herself to see how bad the hurt was, relieved to discover there was nothing more than a minor twinge. ‘Girl falls out with her man, girl goes out and gets drunk, girl stumbles across handsome Templar who she’s secretly been attracted to for years, girl gets mad at herself and Templar for wanting him, and they end up in bed. It’s a story pretty much every mage has found herself on the receiving end of at some point. I wouldn’t lose much sleep over it if I were you.’

‘You can’t hide from me,’ Cullen said quietly, his eyes shadows as he watched her, refusing to change the subject. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I never wanted to cause you pain.’

‘You haven’t caused me anything,’ Lea admonished, shaking her head at him. ‘I’m not really surprised. There’s a degree of wariness between the both of you that can’t be explained away by animosity alone. Besides, I’ll bet my last copper you both regretted it the next day.’

‘How did you guess?’ Cullen’s self-depreciating laugh was only half joking, Lea clearly able to see just how red his cheeks had turned during the latter part of the conversation. ‘It ranked up there in my top three worst decisions ever. Then Meredith and Anders tore the city apart, moving Nathalie down that particular list. Other things became more important than yet another one of my personal failures.’

‘Cullen.’ She had to try to make him see, to not loathe himself. ‘Why do you carry so much remorse around with you? What you’ve described – it’s normal, you know. We all have history, most of which we’d like to pretend never happened….’

Except she did understand. It went so much further than the odd one-night stand or illicit affair. Cullen’s guilt stemmed from a well of agony, started by his oaths to the Chantry and warped beyond all imagining by the blood mages and desire demons who had yet to relinquish their grip on his soul, even now.

‘I make it sound like there were legions of women. There really weren’t. It was as if I forgot how terrible it was the last time and decided to have another go, idiot that I am. Fuck, I sound like I’m listing all my conquests! That’s not what this is – I – none of it meant anything until you, just empty gratification,’ he mumbled finally, flushing crimson.

‘I know. It’s alright. Cullen, I know all too well. Do you think I would be here if I believed you to be like so many of the rest? It’s not easy for you to share this. Please continue – I didn’t mean to interrupt.’

‘Very well. There isn’t much more.’ He relaxed back on the pillows, watching her steadily as he contemplated his next statement. ‘Almost nothing, actually, from the moment I left Nathalie in the early hours of that morning till you fell into my life. The one notable exception to that I told you about, and as I said, I wasn’t honest with you entirely.’

Lea’s brow furrowed in confusion before clarity dawned, only to be followed by confusion once more. ‘Freya and Alistair? I hardly remember…..’

‘It was a drunken night, certainly on my part. But not quite what I led you to believe.’ Cullen exhaled slowly, interrupting her before he lost the courage to say anything further. ‘I had been struggling with the nightmares, even more virulent as a result of the repercussions from that bloody night. I had no friends, my family were an ocean away and I was left stuck in this crumbling city, the Templar Order gone. Even Nathalie had disappeared by this point, hounded out by a faction of Templars who had, as it transpired, turned to red lyrium.’

‘I was putting one foot in front of the other for no other reason than duty. There was nothing in my life left. It was late at night, and I’d headed to my chambers, drinking on my own – never a good idea. When two cloaked figures suddenly appeared in my room, I thought I’d either had too much to drink or demons had made another appearance. Before I could run through either of them, however, I recognised her laugh, Freya pushing her hood back first just before Alistair did. To see her again – not in the horror of the demon’s grasp, nor as the idealistic children we were – it left me perturbed, unsure what she wanted from me. It transpired she just wanted to talk. She said she’d been watching me for the last few days, that she was worried for me. She’d missed me and, even though both our lives had moved on, she would never forget what I had meant to her in the Circle.’

Cullen paused, seeking the words to continue as his mind drifted back to a night so long ago, but one that had clearly left its mark.

‘She said – she said that I was lost. She wasn’t the right one to lead me home, but that one woman would arrive when I least expected it. Then I cried, and she hugged me and the-there had been an awful lot of wine by this point for all of us. To be with someone familiar, who knew me before the madness….who knew me for who I truly was? It meant more than I could have….I – I don’t really know how it happened but then I kissed her and, well…..’

‘The only thing that, I suppose explains it? We wanted to forget, if only for one night. For a few blessed hours, I didn’t feel quite so alone. Alistair never explained it or why he was so accepting, which I didn’t really register until later – but he did it, because Freya wanted to and no other reason. Freya said she needed – a cherished memory of the two men who showed her how to love, for when she’d be so far away her dreams would be all that remained to keep her sane. It was a trust they placed in me which, to this day, I’m humbled by.’

He blew out a slow exhale, his voice becoming less distant as he refocussed on the present.

‘They were my friends – my only ones at the time. Shortly after that, she departed to find a cure for the Calling, so I assume it was her goodbye to me, in case she never returns. It’s not a subject Alistair and I have ever discussed since, by some sort of unspoken agreement – which I am more than happy to adhere to.’

Cullen made a gesture of impatience at himself, scowling as he tried to find the right words to continue. ‘I sound so stupid. I made that night out to be some kind of ridiculous hedonistic orgy. It was memorable, but not for the reasons I let you believe. Once upon a time Freya and I shared something special and it was a final celebration of that. Forgiveness, too. Crazy, perhaps, but it’s the only way I can explain it.’

He subsided, looking awkward and even more confused, looking up gratefully as she gently squeezed his hand in silent encouragement to continue.

‘Trying to explain the truth to you was far more complicated. We’d just come back from Adamant, that hideous argument was still in my mind, and I confess, I like hearing you talk about your fantasies – quite a lot, really. I should have just been upfront about that particular one. I’m not sure I’d do it again, and I am definitely not sure I want to share you, ever. You are all the woman, all the excitement and passion, that I will ever need.’

Lea didn’t reply, merely manoeuvring herself on the bed so she was sitting between Cullen’s legs, having decided halfway through his astounding story she wasn’t nearly as close to him as she wanted to be. She sighed in contentment as she found his lips for a much-needed kiss, her legs winding round his hips as she pulled herself even closer. Sitting back as Cullen reluctantly relinquished her, his lips parted as his eyes dilated, half with desire and half with the fear of rejection he was convinced still waited.

‘That’s the thing with fantasies, Cullen. They adapt and change, just as we do. What I was once convinced would make me faint with longing now leaves me cold.’ She shook her head at just how short sighted she’d been. ‘We haven’t really shared those, either. Mainly because you embody pretty much every single one and make the reality a thousand times more incredible. I don’t know what I was looking for when I was younger, or what I was trying to prove to myself, but my search stopped the moment I found you.’

‘I haven’t thought about your confession for months. The majority of that fantasy revolved a man I once foolishly fancied myself in love with, at the same time as the man who showed me what it means to be in love. Sure, what you described before was incredibly sexy, I’m not going to deny that – but….’ It was her turn to cast her gaze down in embarrassment and humiliation as she admitted some home truths to herself. ‘It’s a life the old, insecure Lea would have looked to fling herself into in order to make herself interesting enough for you to stay with her. After everything you and I have been through, and especially after what you’ve just described? I’d rather discover fantasies we can explore, together.’

‘As would I. We have the rest of our lives to do so.’ Cullen started to look more relaxed, although there was a gleam close to anger in his eyes, Lea knowing all too well what had put it there. ‘Are you going to explain who, exactly, gave you this need to make yourself appear more _interesting_?’

‘Not now.’ She kissed his knuckles, feeling him release his hold ever so slightly although clearly upset by her admission. ‘This is about you, not me. Another time, I promise. It’s not important any more, either way.’

‘Alright, but I won’t forget. So, you don’t mind? About Freya, I mean and, Alistair. You can fantasise all you want, it’s just that night – I -’ he stopped short, muttering a low curse of irritation.

‘It’s alright. You don’t have to say any more. Who’s the one in bed with you right now?’ She pressed a kiss to his forehead as she felt him finally accept she genuinely didn’t mind. ‘The only thing I’m jealous about is that she and Nathalie both had so much more time with you. I’ve not even had a year and for well over half of that, we’ve been apart.’

‘Freya was right though,’ Cullen whispered in the now pitch black of the room, the moon having abruptly disappeared as rain started to rattle the windows. ‘You did lead me home. Only you. I spent years, searching in all the wrong places….wrong people….’

There was only one way she could convince Cullen to start shedding the decades of shame the Chantry had heaped upon him. He’d told her a story that was far more complex than even he probably recognised, only able to see the negative aspects of his behaviour and respond with even more harsh conclusions that fell far wide of the mark.

‘It’s over though now. You will never be alone again, Cullen. I promise. There’s nothing to be afraid of any more.’ Lea was doing her level best to mask her concern, his uncharacteristically halting words as he fought to make himself clear making her heart splinter further. ‘I’m sorry it took me so long to find you. I’m here now, though.’

‘All those years, hating magic, fasci-fascinated by it – do you know how often I tore myself in two? I even wanted to die at my lowest points, the conflict was so fierce. Love and hate, with no way in my mind to reconcile the two.’

He was drawing slow, trembling breaths, ironclad manacles of obedience and indoctrination, instilled in him over decades of devoted service still chaining him to the ghosts of his past. Thunder rolled as the room was momentarily illuminated, Cullen’s face stark white from the elemental light searing the heavens, the blazing gold fire of his eyes a window into the titanic battle being waged in his mind. His face and body were beaded in sweat as he grabbed her blindly, burying his face in her shoulder in a desperate attempt to keep the age-old fear at bay.

‘The nightmares plague me still, tonight especially, after – after yesterday. It’s why I woke. The demons taunt me for my weakness, for spending my life breaking rules I should have adhered to. There was a reason for them, to keep me and others safe. Time and time again they tormented me with my – my desire for you, warped beyond recognition in front of me. I don’t want them to do that to you! You are not an abomination!’

‘Of course I’m not, no more than you are! We were both raised by such dubious tenements of Chantry law, on opposite sides of the spectrum but it all amounts to the same thing – oppression and control, designed to keep us in our places. We were both chained by their dictates and lies for too many years.’

Lea was crying inside as she kissed his neck repeatedly, her hands distractedly trying to soothe away years of heartache and loss as he crushed her close, shaking more with every fervent, whispered word as the extent of all the lies were revealed to him.

‘They were so very wrong – you know they were! We were taught nothing of the beauty of life, the sanctity of the Maker’s gift, nor the purity of love – it’s something we have learnt together. What was beaten into you about magic was wrong – all of it! As you are fully aware! But you have to find a way to let it go, or you will never be free.’

He said nothing, raising his head and taking her chin between a trembling forefinger and thumb to look at her face. The only thing Lea could make out was a piercing amber gaze, bright in the dark as glass panes rattled from thunderclap after thunderclap. Another shock of white light followed immediately after, highlighting the stark pain in Cullen’s eyes that made her heart twist in anguish, the storm between them so intense breathing was becoming impossible.

It was her best, and possibly last, chance to finally make Cullen break free of the years of self-reproach and blame. She wasn’t prepared to take the risk that another opportunity would present itself, instead flinging everything she’d fought for, all she’d borne witness to, all she’d suffered and won free, into one final plea.

‘Answer me this, if nothing else. How can what we have between us ever be evil and sinful, when we both know how very right it is?’

Lea didn’t get a spoken response, the air rushing out of her as Cullen dragged her so fast and hard up against his chest she was left breathless. Whether she was winded because of the sudden motion or because of the burning kiss melting her both inside and out, she didn’t care. All she could focus on was his tongue deep in her mouth, his teeth dragging across her lip as she gasped, frantic for more as her own tongue slid against his. She couldn’t get close enough, her fingers clawing through his hair, her legs wrapped around his waist once more as powerful arms held her firmly in place, strands of hair tangled in his fists as his lips captured her moaning his name over and over again.

‘You are all that is right and true about my universe, Leaena.’ The fierce growl by her ear sent bolts of electricity shooting through her chest, Cullen sounding almost furious that she’d had to point out the obvious to him. ‘There is nothing sinful about what we have! Maker take me for the blindest fool, to have given you room to doubt. I can but show you….and I will keep doing so until the day I die, of that I promise you. Beginning right now…..’

Lea was falling headfirst into an oblivion of ecstasy, only one that Cullen could ever bring her to, each intimate caress designed to remind her just how unique their unbreakable bond was – a link not even their enemies could shatter. They’d fought tooth and nail to reach where they had in their lives and Lea was adamant this time, there would be no falling back into the mire.

The world vanished to nothing but heat, passion and pure energy blazing through twin bolts of cobalt and sapphire, stripping their souls back to nothing but the fundamentals of trust and love. Those foundations had kept them alive, each trial they had endued more torturous than the last, yet both of them emerging stronger, closer and even more in love than before.


	105. A New Dawn

_No headaches, no nauseating anxiety?_

_Rested. I feel rested. Maker’s Breath, it has been far too long._

Cullen couldn’t remember the last time he’d managed a night’s sleep which hadn’t included hideous visions – the type that required him to scour his brain clean immediately upon waking. Rubbing a hand over his eyes, he looked round the sunlit room, the previous evening’s storm now spent.

For the first time since he’d mercifully made it into her quarters without collapsing, he finally had a chance to take in their home for the next few days. The fire in the grate had long extinguished, their cloaks draped over the sofa in front. Leaena’s desk was piled high with correspondence, presumably for them both, whilst an array of pots and creams he recognised were arranged on the dresser. He already knew if he looked in the drawers and wardrobes there would already be a range of outfits for every occasion.

Josephine had been nothing but thorough, as ever.

Even though he’d been involved in the embassy’s refurbishment, it was still impressive to see what had been achieved in such a short space of time. The muted yet luxurious decor in earthy reds and browns were exactly to Leaena’s taste, although for a huge space it lacked something he couldn’t quite put his finger on.

_It’s not been lived in, that’s the problem. The bookshelves are far too sparse, for a start._

_I will have to order Leaena something to read. There’s that obscure research on the first Inquisitor she couldn’t find, but perhaps if I get a message to Harding for that professor she mentioned….._

Making a mental note to hunt down a couple of publications for her, he looked around once more. He’d have felt disconcerted by the almost exact duplicate of the Inquisitor’s quarters in Skyhold, if it wasn’t for the reassuring sprawl of Leaena covering half his body as she slumbered on. Soft strands of hair were tickling his nose as he glanced down, wondering why he was bothering contemplating moving from such a comfortable position. Their legs were tangled together, one of her arms flung over his chest as he clasped her hand, the necklace with her locket and coin that she’d forgotten to take off pushing lightly into his ribs. If he tried to shift positions he’d only disturb her, something he was loath to do after the perpetual drama of the last few weeks.

From what he could tell, she hadn’t moved from the moment she’d lain down, exhausted and sated after one of the most intense lovemaking experiences of their lives. Well, it had been for him at least and, from the tearful yet contented kiss she’d given him before promptly falling asleep, Cullen was fairly sure he wasn’t the only one affected.

For perhaps the hundredth time since the unexpected but surprisingly revealing discussion they’d had in the middle of the night, he sent a prayer of thanks to Andraste for the blessing that this lady was. Closing his eyes against the bright light illuminating the room, he gave a low sigh, feeling raw all over again as he recalled just what they’d unearthed together, deliberately shying away from thoughts of a man he’d leave rotting in the dungeon without a second thought. There was only so much he could cope with – a harsh fact Cullen was only just beginning to appreciate the real meaning of.

His soul was wrung out, the kaleidoscope of emotions he’d experienced in such a short time draining him more than any physical activity could. Whether he was the biggest idiot in Thedas for blurting out the sorry story still remained to be seen, as the implications from all he’d shared slowly sunk in for them both. He still couldn’t believe he’d been so frank, but he’d been given no choice. The Fade had been explicit – the whole truth, or nothing would change.

_Why did I think talking about past partners would be the simplest subject to start with?_

_That was near-on impossible!_

Cullen hadn’t known how Leaena would react, particularly when it came to their own friends, but it hadn’t been what he’d expected. Compassionate, understanding and non-judgemental. She hadn’t criticised him once, nor revealed just how shaken she’d been by some of his admissions – even though she hadn’t been able to mask her own pain. Why he should even be remotely surprised by this he didn’t know, except he was so used to censuring himself, he automatically expected everyone else to do the same.

That it was a pointless exercise he knew all too well. Yet, for the first time, he truly believed he could start accepting himself for who he was. Beginning the process of learning how to live for himself wouldn’t be easy, with a lifetime of behaviour to re-learn, but he was more than willing to try.

_Too many wasted years, forcing myself to be something I wasn’t._

_But what am I now?_

Toying with the thick, wavy strands draped over Leaena’s shoulder, he smiled to himself. He might not know where to go next, but one thing was certain. He wasn’t going to be alone on that particular journey of discovery, something that promised to be an exhilarating experience thanks to her.

He frowned as he considered some of her words, rage and sadness spiking at the implication of the abuse another man, maybe more, had forced upon her. Such horrors were something which to this day he found difficult to associate with Leaena. What she’d been subjected to at the Shrine of Dumat was buried in the darkest, furthest part of his mind but it never left him, Cullen stopping short of a murderous snarl at the mere thought alone.

It didn’t matter that Samson was dead – the impact still resonated, and would continue for a long time yet. All her life she’d been harassed in one form or another, even as Inquisitor. The only difference now being that the nature of torment had changed, from petty squabbles in the Circle to life-threatening torture. In Samson’s case it had been designed with him as the ultimate target. She had suffered the ultimate degradation repeatedly, in a misguided attempt at saving him. That it was a trap she’d walked right into was irrelevant. Leaena had been trying to protect him the only way she knew how.  

Whether he was deserving of such sacrifice was a question Cullen miserably posed to himself on a daily basis, his answer the same every time.

_No._

_And I still have no idea how to live with the consequences of it all._

‘I recognise that scowl, Commander. Who made it into your bad books on such a glorious day?’

Cullen had been so caught up in his own, not entirely cheerful thoughts, he’d not noticed her awaken. Deep blue eyes regarded him with worry as Leaena lifted her head a fraction, her hesitant smile banishing the dark thoughts to the furthest recesses of his brain, as only she had the power to do.

‘It might well be you, Inquisitor, given you should still be sleeping.’ His light reply helped mask the residual anger, refusing to let such negativity come between them.

‘How could I sleep! It’s a big day!’ She beamed as she sat up, then eyed his blank expression with impatience. ‘Oh Cullen! Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten?’

‘Forgotten?’ His hands ran leisurely up her sides, feeling himself harden instantly as his thumbs brushed over her erect nipples, making her inhale sharply. ‘Leaena, you’re in front of me completely naked. There’s only one thing on my mind right now. Want me to show you?’

‘In a moment. This is important.’ Much to his disappointment she firmly clasped his hands, holding them in her lap. ‘I know it was late, but I’ll tell you again. Happy birthday, my love.’

‘Oh, that.’ Cullen chuckled at her pout, drawing her down for a quick kiss. ‘Thank you, but it’s really not important….’

‘Not important! It’s the most special date of the year!’

Her gasp of mock outrage reminded Cullen suddenly of Satinalia. He’d been shown the almost childlike delight Leaena had taken in the holidays, the care and attention she’d put into planning festivities for both Skyhold and themselves taking him completely aback. It was a rare glimpse into the softer, playful side to her personality, one that remained almost permanently welded shut in an attempt to cope with the stress and violence life threw at her on a daily basis.

It had been something he’d delighted in indulging her in, just for the joy of seeing her as the carefree woman she truly was. And now birthdays too, he seemingly had to add to the list.

_Not that you mind Cullen._

_Is there anything more adorable than watching Leaena plot a million and one different ways to spoil you?_

No, he concluded silently to himself, with no small degree of satisfaction. There really wasn’t.

‘My apologies,’ he replied, laughing as she swatted his arm. ‘We find ourselves on the most special day of the year, by your decree, Inquisitor. So tell me, what should we do? You have something organised, I presume?’

‘Well, it’s fortunate I do seeing as you’d never bother,’ she huffed, raising her chin as she tossed her hair over one shoulder. ‘For starters, no work today. We deserve a holiday and I am going to see to it we get one. I can’t believe you were going to search for despatches in the middle of the….well I can actually, which is why you’re having a rest.’

‘Some of those were urgent,’ he protested weakly as she shot him a disbelieving look. ‘Well they might be. How do you know they aren’t?’

‘Because that door has been locked for over twenty-four hours and no one has tried to beat it down, begging you to please sign off this order for another hundred and twenty swords to be sent to the Fallow Mire or some Maker-forsaken place.’

Her dismissive sniff and accurate assessment had Cullen acknowledging to himself that perhaps a break was in order. Her next words, however, made him falter as he recalled the swift stab of agony Leaena hadn’t quite supressed as he confessed. She was frightened for him, knowing that what he’d chosen to share had been but the start.

‘I know how difficult it was for you to talk. Thank you for being so honest.’ Leaena was biting her lip, her eyes thoughtful as she studied him. ‘There’s much for both of us to think on as a result. Please – don’t leave it so long, though. I worry about you, when you bottle everything away.’

‘There is nothing to worry about,’ he assured her, hoping she would believe him even as he winced internally to think just how close he came to losing control the previous day. ‘Last night was a step in the right direction. I genuinely do feel better for it. I just – I never wanted to hurt you, Leaena.’

‘You haven’t,’ she promised with a smile, shaking her head at him. ‘We belong with each other, Cullen. Nothing that you’ve done in your past will ever change that simple fact. When you are ready to share more, I’ll be right here.’

The soft pressure of her lips, combined with the light brush of her hair falling over his face as she kissed him was all he needed to dismiss the lingering aftereffects of the previous night’s revelations.

‘Thank you.’ Not wishing to dwell on such an uncomfortable topic, he instead focussed on the present. ‘Now why don’t you tell me what you have planned? Haven’t we got that engagement with Gaspard this evening?’

‘Oh that thing? I suppose we do at some point,’ she said vaguely, leaving Cullen momentarily thrown by her cavalier treatment of such an important event. ‘Let’s not worry about that for now. Have you ever looked around Val Royeaux properly? Explored the markets, the gardens? There are some fine chapels as well, not to mention the best shopping in southern Thedas.’

‘It’s never been high on my list of priorities,’ Cullen replied warily, much to her amusement. ‘Do you even need to ask me about shopping? There’s never enough time, if nothing else. Whenever I visited before it was always on Templar business and I couldn’t wait to escape again. The politics of the White Spire were every bit as trying as the Winter Palace.’

‘Urgh very true.’ Her grimace of distaste as she reflected on her own experiences was fleeting. ‘This mess with Blackwall can wait a few hours – he’s not going anywhere. Which means, for today, we shall simply be Cullen and Leaena once more. No Inquisitor, no Commander, just two ordinary people enjoying all that the Orlesian capital can offer. Remember how you showed me round Kirkwall? Well, I shall do the same for you here. I spent plenty of time in Val Royeaux when I was younger. Did I tell you we have a family home here too? Father purchased it only recently.’

‘You do?’ Cullen didn’t want to think about just how wealthy the Trevelyans were, to afford the maintenance of a mansion, lest he succumb to the depressing sense he’d had since the day they’d met – that he’d never be good enough for her. ‘How come Trystan stayed here?’

‘Because he’s on Inquisition business. We can visit if you like?’ She watched him, a hint of uncertainty in her eyes. ‘That’s not very interesting for you, is it. Maybe none of this is –.‘

‘Are you going to be there?’ Her hands were warm under his touch, his thumbs massaging her palms as she slowly relaxed again. ‘Then how could it not? A whole day with you, and nothing interfering with our time together sounds like the best birthday I’ve heard of.’

‘Alright then,’ she returned his smile, pulling at his hand to get him out of bed. ‘Shall we? It’s lovely weather and there’s so much to…..in the meantime, your only job is to figure out a way for us to escape this place without being seen by the others. You approved the layout didn’t you?’

She was already throwing clothes on, Cullen trying not to laugh at her as she pulled on a white linen shirt whilst grabbing a boot at the same time. ‘I can hear you trying not to make some sarcastic comment, Commander! Now, give me your ring. For obvious reasons, I am not leaving these lying around ever again, especially now that witch is on the loose.’

‘We’re that recognisable? I had no idea I was so famous. And, I just never understand why you’re in such a rush you have to stuff yourself into three different items of clothing at the same time,’ Cullen joked, wanting to distract her as he slipped off the heavy gold band, watching her lace it onto the chain along with her own before securely putting the necklace back in place. ‘It had better be the kitchen, tradesman’s entrance if you want to avoid your admirers. We’re going to be seen by servants, if nothing else.’

‘That doesn’t matter. It’s once we are outside that we need to be circumspect and yes, you certainly are famous. I’m fairly sure Josephine will have already – yes she has.’ Leaena was flicking through some messages that had been slipped under the door, nodding with approval to herself as she tossed them to one side. ‘She’s arranged the uniforms for the evening. She also wanted to check if you need your coat letting out. It’s a common affliction as you get older, apparently.’

‘My – never mind.’ Cullen refused to rise to the bait as Leaena gave a decidedly un-Inquisitorial snort of laughter, dragging on the plainest clothes he could find. ‘And just how are we so recognisable? I understand you to a certain extent, but you’re hardly going to waltz around with your hand flaming green.’

‘ _Destiné à être_ ,’ she muttered in irritation, not quite meeting his eye. ‘I do not want to be the one…..how people come up with these ridiculous slogans I have no idea.’

‘Are you getting all poetic on me?’ Cullen queried, genuinely confused as he fastened his boots. ‘I appreciate the sentiment, my lady, but it’s not necessary. Especially when I know it’s true.’

‘Not me!’ she complained, pushing a different ring on her finger, the Trevelyan crest clearly visible. ‘Orlesians! I was hoping to get away with not telling you, but if you think for one minute you’re not well-known think again. The dashing Commander having stolen the heart of the Inquisitor and in doing so, creating the standard to which all men in Orlais must now live up to. Or, failing that, try to land the man himself.’

‘Andraste save me.’ Cullen stared at her, not knowing whether to burst out laughing or find a huge rock to crawl under. ‘Are you suggesting that we’re in fashion somehow?’

‘We set the fashion, Commander Cullen, that’s how far we have risen. You in particular,’ Leaena replied with an extravagant bow. ‘Which I fully intend to use to our advantage. But it’s also dammed inconvenient when I want to just have some peace and quiet with you. Hence, no identifying Inquisition regalia today. Not unless you want a procession of simpering nitwits dogging your every step.’

‘If that’s the case, then give me a scarf too so I can cover my face. This will be more like Kirkwall that I’d imagined. Maker take it, some people have far too much time on their hands.’ His nonchalant shrug was partly for himself and partly to reassure her that he didn’t truly care about such gossip, no matter how much he loathed it. ‘There’s only one lady I’d like anywhere near me and even now, she’s far too far away.’

‘I’m sorry. Here – this might serve?’ Cullen caught himself staring in fascination at the small dent between her eyes as Leaena frowned in concentration, winding a black woollen scarf round his neck. ‘There. Just pull it up over this rather identifying scar of yours if you feel the need to. The rain last night has left us with a brilliant day, but it’s rather chilly. You won’t look out of place.’

‘A problem with my scar?’ he enquired idly as she grinned, tracing a finger along the smooth skin where the blade had cut deep.

‘Fishing for compliments, Cullen?’ Her smile widened as his breath caught, one finger slipping over his already sensitive lips. ‘It makes you look even more ruggedly handsome than you would without it. Dangerous, even. And we women can never resist such a devastating combination.’

‘You think I’m dangerous?’ he quipped, fastening the last buckle on her cloak that she’d forgotten to close. ‘A clumsy mistake on my part now singles me out for attention I’d rather not have. There’s nothing more to it than that.’

‘You have never been dangerous to me, although you’re far and away the best warrior in Thedas – which would make you pretty lethal to everyone else, I’d say.’

He flushed with pride at her compliment, secretly thrilled that she’d never been scared of him. It wasn’t something Leaena had ever been so up front about before, although she’d certainly never shown any fear, even in the early days. Still, it made him feel good to have such confirmation.

‘You know the way to my heart. Woo me with sweet words about my fighting skills, take me out to do battle with the petticoats of Val Royeaux –.‘

I’m sorry,’ she mumbled, uncertain once more. ‘I know you hate Orlesians. If you don’t want to, we don’t have to go.‘

‘Why would I not want to be with you?’ Cullen asked gently, inwardly cursing Corypheus, Vivienne, Samson and every other person who’d wreaked damage beyond comprehension as he enfolded her in a tight embrace. ‘In spite of the circumstances, that day in Kirkwall was one of the best yet. I put myself into your care today, my lady, and I am looking forward to seeing the city through your eyes, just as you saw Kirkwall through mine.’

He was rewarded with a smile that hit him somewhere straight in the middle of his chest, soft, warm lips leaving a lingering imprint against his, her delicate scent still lingering in his nostrils as he adjusted his sword and pulled up his hood.

‘You look like an assassin, ready to defend my honour if needs be. Albeit a very tall, strapping one. Lucky me.’ Her admiring gaze had his cheeks turn red once more, even as he took his time to appreciate his own view. ‘I like black on you, and I definitely approve of you out of armour.’

‘That shade of blue suits you. Just in case there was still any lingering doubt by the way, I definitely approve of you out of armour. In fact, if you wanted to give me the ideal birthday present you’ll just wear what you have on underneath for me later.’ Cullen’s wicked grin made her blush prettily, Leaena clad in a simple trouser, shirt and jacket combination that clung to a figure that was blessedly fuller than it had been a couple of weeks ago. ‘Although there’s something about you in thigh high leather boots and wearing not an awful lot else that never fails to capture my imagination.’

‘Do you want to go out today? We’ll never make it if you carry on…..’ she retorted, before her eyes widened as his arms encircled her waist, kissing her soundly in response.

‘For you, Leaena, I would walk through fire and back again as often as you told me to. Which is probably only moderately less agonising than the condition you’re leaving me in right now.’ He couldn’t resist pressing his lips right in the hollow of her neck, before stepping back through sheer force of will alone. ‘Yes, we’ll go out. I would honestly love to spend a day with you, just being Cullen and Leaena. Shall I lead the way?’

Stealthily, they crept down the stairs, Leaena grasping hold of his hand tightly as she followed. The army of servants was impossible to avoid, but too well trained to do anything but ignore their progress. Successfully making it to the ground floor, Cullen led her past the open door to the dining room and what had to be Josephine’s study, judging from the parade of runners scurrying in and out.

‘We’re going to get caught if you can’t stay silent,’ he whispered as Leaena only just stifled a giggle, Josephine’s voice clearly ringing out across the hall.

‘Did you hear her telling off that poor courier! I thought we were the only ones who got scolded with such kindness,’ she burst out, breathless, after they reached the safety of the shady basement stairwell.

‘It’s the look of disappointment that gets me every time,’ he agreed wryly, leading her through the kitchen and the door that signalled their escape route. ‘As if she thought better of me. I then feel obliged to drag myself over hot coals to redeem myself once more in her eyes. It’s not something I’m particularly keen to experience, especially not today.’

‘You won’t have to. We’re free!’ Leaena was practically skipping as they made their way into a back alley linking all the mansions together. ‘Holy Andraste, it feels good to be out of the Inquisition, even if it’s just for a bit.’

At her triumphant expression as they finally made it outside, he grinned broadly, feeling more relaxed than he had in months as they headed out for their adventure. It was a short walk to the main thoroughfare, the day crisp, cold and clear – perfect for walking. He sighed inwardly, resigned to the state banquet they’d have to attend later, but relieved beyond measure that for a few hours at least, he had Leaena all to himself.

‘When did all our servants become elves?’ Leaena managed to keep her eyes straight as yet another city elf darted away from them in fear. ‘I know it’s common in Orlais, but I would prefer for the Inquisition to not reflect such an imbalance of power.’

‘It’s not quite as straightforward as that. They’re almost all spies. Mainly ours, which is why I didn’t bother leaving a note for Trystan.’ Cullen belatedly remembered the emphatic agreement between the three advisors, for once in accord over how best to staff the embassy – and that he’d be the one to persuade Leaena to their thinking. ‘It’s for your own protection, and also easier for servants to slip into other noble houses unnoticed if they’re also elves.’

‘What, you all made a unified decision without me? That’s a miracle in itself.’ She didn’t bother to hide her sarcasm as she stared at even more footmen standing watch by the back entrance. ‘I don’t even know why I’m surprised. My life hasn’t been my own for so long I should just be used to it by now.’

‘It won’t always be this way, I promise. We’re so near the end now, my lady.’ It hurt to hear her underlying bitterness, Cullen powerless to do anything but try and distract her once more. ‘It’s my birthday and we’re having a break from it all, remember? You need a rest as much as I do.’

‘You’re right,’ Leaena agreed, an apologetic smile on her lips as she calmed once more. ‘And I have complete faith in your orders. Maker only knows, the last thing I want to get involved in is staffing choices for Inquisition outposts across Thedas. I’ll leave it to those more qualified. Now, I promised you a tour didn’t I? We’re falling over history everywhere we walk and I’ll be sure to to include that too – but right in that spot underneath the apple tree was where Cadan challenged a Chevalier who’d decided he’d be a better prospect for Lady de Fernier than my twin. It was almost a diplomatic nightmare but fortunately my mother smoothed things over. If you look between these two buildings here – see that balcony with the gaudy floral trim? Caya was, believe it or not, serenaded there by a young comte apparently so floored by her beauty that nothing less than her hand in marriage would do. Needless to say, we never let her forget it……’

Cullen was only half paying attention. It was intriguing to hear about Leaena and her siblings growing up, there being seemingly little difference between children of a nobleman and children of a farmer when it came to merciless tormenting of one another. Granted, the location was somewhat more refined, but it helped to serve as a timely reminder that there weren’t so many differences between them after all. No matter how often Trystan and Cadan so bluntly pointed that out, it was a subject that still niggled at him, no matter how firmly he pushed it away as nonsense.

Over Satinalia, he’d been tempted with the vision of all that could be – a wife, children and a home of his own giving him the completion he’d been unconsciously searching for his whole life. The demons had a field day after that snowy afternoon on the battlements, his nightmares parading the memory of him cleaving a pregnant Leaena in two as prime viewing. As a result, Cullen yet again found himself right back where he started, refusing to allow himself even a hint of the forbidden flight of fancy until his penance was complete.

Cullen didn’t know if he could ever forgive himself, find the self-worth that he’d been so brutally stripped of. He was certain, however, the only person who could help him navigate the path to redemption was Leaena.  

Contemplating marriage was no passing whim. It was his most precious dream, locked away within him for years along with all the other impossible wishes that diverted him from fulfilling his duty. Leaena’s bursting into his previously numb, sterile existence provided him with the chance for something he’d denied himself, a heady combination of yearning and belief which, once he’d tasted, he couldn’t let go of.

Marriage was a commitment, and a responsibility he’d lay down his life for. As a result of the Maker-sent gift he’d never expected, Cullen was desperate to get things right.

_So why can’t you just tell her what bothers you about a future together? It’s not like you can ask her to marry you right now anyway._

_Not until you tell her everything. And besides, is it something she even wants?_

Leaena and a sedentary, domesticated lifestyle were not two things that fitted naturally together in his brain. She had risen to become one of the most powerful women in Thedas, and no matter how much she wished for quiet, Cullen knew she’d be bored within a week of the lifestyle he’d known growing up. Finding the right balance, for both of them, would be crucial. It was a timely reminder to himself of just how many hurdles he had to overcome before he could make his most cherished hope come true.

There was work to be done, not the least actually making sure the woman of his dreams felt the same. Although Cullen was fairly certain she wouldn’t object, he would take no chances, particularly not after what she’d survived. His months of daydreaming had, since his forced excursion through the Fade, solidified into certainty – he wanted her to be his wife, but he had to be sure that was what she wanted too.

How he went about finding that out, however, was a different question entirely.

_This helps, though, with nothing else to do but spend time together._

The crowds were bustling, no one paying attention to another couple out for a walk as he took the chance to observe her in such everyday surroundings. Leaena’s hands were hidden in her gloves, her staff back in her apartments and her hood pushed slightly back so she could feel the sun’s rays, the world assuming nothing out of the ordinary about them both.

It was impossible, however, for Leaena to be seen as anything less than the lady of quality she was, from the subtle luxury of her clothing through to her elegance – an unconscious self-assurance that few could emulate. In others, it carried across as arrogance, but not her. An assertive, confident Leaena left him helplessly captivated, just as it always had from the second he’d seen her at the Temple.

‘…..and Drakon was rumoured to have been smitten with her when she shot a bumblebee….what are you staring at?’ Leaena caught his gaze, glancing down at her clothes anxiously. ‘Have I got a stain on my cloak? It would be just like me….’

‘I didn’t mean to interrupt. I was just thinking how ladylike you are,’ he replied unthinkingly, starting to laugh at her look of astonishment. ‘It’s something you have without even realising it.’

‘I’ve never considered myself particularly ladylike and it’s not a characteristic I’ve ever striven to perfect. I’m afraid I’m a terrible disappointment to Josephine as a noble.' She bit into an apple she’d stolen from the fruitbowl in her room, silent for a moment as she thought on his words. 'Here I am eating on a street in public, with nothing to indicate my family’s status and no hint of those stupid titles I carry like a millstone round my neck. I swear, I’m flippant, I make bad jokes and I really don’t give a shit about pomp and ceremony, nor showing due respect to anyone’s station unless they’ve earned the right. Sure I can play the part if I have to, but it’s a mask I am never comfortable wearing.’ 

‘It’s a part you play to perfection. But it’s goes beyond that rubbish, Leaena. All you’ve just mentioned – that’s superficial. Compassion, humility and grace are an intrinsic part of who you are. You most definitely have that undefinable _it_ , which is why this excursion might be doomed. You’re everything a lady should be, and a stunningly beautiful one at that too. No one is going to mistake you for anything less.’

It was fun making her blush, partly because she did it so well, and mainly because she looked so pretty at the same time. Cullen had forgotten how enjoyable it could be to surprise her with a compliment she’d never have expected to hear from him, quietly insistent on making up for the lack of attention he’d paid her over recent weeks.

‘Well, thank – thank you. There’s no one’s opinion I value more than yours.’ Still a most becoming shade of pink, she eyed him sideways, a small smile lurking on her lips. ‘I’m not the only one who stands out in a crowd, as you well know.’

‘That stiff military bearing giving me away again?’ he retorted good-naturedly as he slipped an arm round her waist, silently relishing the independence their temporary anonymity gave them as he drew her near. ‘Or was it my fierce demeanour, keeping all these circling predators at bay? I live to protect you, after all.’

‘In that case the closer I am to you, the easier it should be. Oh here we are – the Summer Market. Goodness, it’s busy.’ She’d snuggled up into his chest, the light pressure of her hand on his hip, her body leaning against his as they slowly made their way around the market a simple pleasure he was savouring. ‘Quality doesn’t come from a family name. We could between us list every noble house in Thedas and nearly all of them I’d avoid with a bargepole. You, however, are decent and honest. That is something a man is born with, regardless of his circumstances.’

‘Plenty of people are decent and honest. I don’t really see what makes me so special in that regard. Look – that vendor has spiced apple tart, and a few other rather delicious looking treats.’ Leaena was slowly putting on weight and muscle once more, but was still far too thin for Cullen’s comfort, determined to tempt her with food wherever possible. ‘Would you like something?’

‘Oh yes! Let’s get a variety and then we can go and sit by the river and eat. I’m starving, especially as we missed breakfast. That apple wasn’t nearly enough.’ Her glance told him she was only letting the subject drop for now. ‘Have you ever visited? There are boats you can hire and punt away on the water if you so choose…..I’m guessing by the face you’re pulling that idea is about as appealing as walking all the way back to Skyhold.’

‘Give me a choice between walking somewhere and crossing on water, I’d pick walking any time.’ He paid the cheerful vendor, Leaena securely tucking their lunch away with one arm as she snuck the other back around his waist once more.

He had a firm grip round her shoulders as they slowly made their way through, Leaena easily sensing his slight unease at being in such a crowded, close space. Inclining her head, she ducked down a side street, still busy but not quite so hectic as they rapidly made their way to the water’s edge. The river never seemed to be far away no matter where he was in the city – right now a fact for which he was profoundly grateful. Even though no one seemed to have recognised them thus far, he wasn’t taking any chances on her life, his eyes continually scanning both the ground and the high buildings for trouble.

‘No one is ever going to mistake you for what you aren’t either, Cullen. My Commander is never really off duty is he? I will have to change that.’ Her teasing voice broke through his concentration, her blue eyes sparkling with humour as she pulled him down to sit. ‘Here, this is a nice quiet spot. Can I suggest you start with this pasty?’

They settled down on a grassy bank a slight distance away from the benches where most people were gathered, the light breeze from the river cooling the unexpected warmth of the winter sun. The boats Leaena had mentioned were out in force, common folk and nobles alike enjoying the respite from the usually icy weather. All around them people were enjoying their lunch just as they were, a normal activity that normal folk took for granted. For the two of them it was instead an untold luxury, to sit and laugh and chat about nothing much in particular.

‘It’s not from Ostwick though so how can it be authentic? You’ll have to take me there again so I can try the real thing.’ It was hard not to groan in ecstasy as the spicy meat and gravy hit his tongue. ‘I take it back. Maker, this is amazing. I don’t remember them being so good in Kirkwall. And what do you mean, never off-duty?’

‘It’s not a bad attempt but just wait till I get you to try the real thing. But in answer to your question?’

Pausing for a moment, Leaena looked down to the small waves lapping the bank then turned to watch him, Cullen feeling the skin under his collar warm under the sincere admiration evident in her gaze.

‘You don’t see a roof terrace with an outstanding example of Blessed era masonry on display, somewhere most people would consider an excellent place to throw a party. You’re assessing the risk, identifying the threat and how to nullify it before you’ve even taken another step forward. I also know that’s just the tip of the iceberg and why you’ll never truly switch off. You don’t have the well-deserved reputation as one of the foremost military leaders in the world for nothing. The thing that leaves me seriously in awe is the reasoning behind your thought process. You’re evaluating the pros and cons of a million and one potential outcomes, that ultimately lead you to make the split second life-or-death decisions – with the sole focus to ensure I stay alive. It’s an ability that only the very best officers have.’

‘You can’t help yourself, Cullen. To me, you are truly unique. You’re the most intelligent and emotionally mature person of my acquaintance – and considering the company we keep that’s saying something. You’re the most handsome man it’s ever been my good fortune to lay eyes on and, to make my circle of happiness complete, you’re the perfect gentleman. It’s something intrinsic, and a man either gets it, or he doesn’t. You most certainly do, more than anyone I’ve met. I never feel more special, safe or loved than when I am with you.’

_My turn to blush furiously?_

_Yes, it would appear so._

Accepting praise had never come easily to him. It was fortunate he couldn’t reply, his mouth full of something he could no longer taste as he felt his skin flame. Nervously, he took another huge bite as she continued with words that reached a part inside of him he’d long thought dead.

It was not to last, however, Cullen losing his composure in spectacular fashion as his whole mouth blazed with agonising fire, making what he was convinced had to be the most ridiculous faces as he tried to blow on his food and swallow at the same time. Leaena for her part was staring at him, consternation turning to concern as she held out a flask and a napkin, the tiniest flow of magic telling him she’d cooled the water to near freezing.

‘You can spit it out. Out of all the things we’ve been through together I’m hardly going to swoon at the sight of some half-chewed food…..oh Maker, pasties can burn when they’re too hot! I’m so sorry, I shall never say nice things about you ever again.’ She peered at him with worry as he gratefully took a swig, the icy cold hitting the roof of his mouth offering immediate relief. ‘Do you want me to take a look? I am no Solas, but I think I can manage to heal some burns.’

‘It’s….yes I think that might help,’ he choked out, barely able to speak as the pain continued to rage in his mouth and down his throat.

‘Lie down and stick out your tongue,’ she ordered, kneeling right next to him as she bent over, her hair falling and shielding them from others. ‘I’ll get a better view this way….oh you poor thing. That looks so sore! It will just be a hint of Spirit for regeneration and a touch of Winter to reduce the inflammation……’

Cullen could barely feel anything as he rested back on his elbows, far too interested in analysing the perfect features that hovered in front of his eyes. One the one hand, he knew every inch of Leaena’s face and body better than she did. And on the other, there was always something new he noticed each time. That she bit her lip and scowled slightly when focussing on casting he knew. That her eyes changed colour when she used magic he also knew, the sapphire lightening to azure as it always did.

What he’d never noticed, however, was the slight wrinkle on her nose as she channelled the energy into his mouth, not even paying attention to the light prickle of her magic as he watched her nose twitch again. He only just held himself back from kissing its tip, then he’d be able to run his tongue across the plump pink of her bottom lip, knowing just how good it would feel to tease his…

‘Cullen, we’ll have to find someplace more secluded if that’s what you have in mind. Unless there’s something you’d like to share?’

He blinked, refocussing on her laughing eyes before pulling her to him for a swift, hard kiss, the gentle burst of healing having done the trick. ‘This is your tour, not mine. I’d hardly complain if you found more….suitable surroundings for me to show you just what occurred to me.’

‘Oh I think I have a very good idea,’ she murmured, a slow smile spreading as the heat between them both continued to build. ‘I wonder if……yes, that might work very well indeed.’

‘What might work well?’ He was beginning to wish he’d never let her get out of bed, the buzz of the city around them falling away as he contemplated how fast they could return. ‘Right now, I’m all in favour of anything that enables me to demonstrate my undying thanks as quickly as possible.’

‘So impatient, Commander. I thought that was more my style.’ Her impassive face, mere inches from his, did nothing to conceal the desire smouldering in her eyes. ‘Can I persuade you to wait a little while longer? I have an idea that you might find…..worthwhile.’

‘I said I was in your hands today, didn’t I?’ His fingers drifted across her cheek, marvelling as he always did at the delicate softness of her skin. ‘I can be patient, so long as I get my reward for being good.’

‘You don’t have to be good,’ her words were whispered, pitched just for his ears. ‘In fact, this particular activity requires you to be as naughty as possible.’

‘Leaena, you’re making it very difficult for me to not drag you off to the nearest darkened alley and show you just how ungentlemanly I’m feeling right now.’

It was all he could do to not embarrass himself very publicly, particularly not when she knew just what she was doing to him, her laugh, low and musical sending shockwaves from his chest to his abdomen. Nor was his precarious situation helped when her tongue slipped between his lips for just the briefest of caresses, Cullen’s hands in fists to stop himself pulling her down onto his chest and never letting her go.

‘I think we can do better than a dark alleyway, don’t you?’ Her smile was filled with promise as she rested on her knees, watching him with a gleam that he could only describe as mischievous. ‘I take it your mouth is feeling better?’

‘Yes, thanks to you. So, what’s your alternative?’

‘I’ll show you. In the meantime, let’s finish lunch. If I’m not mistaken, that was your stomach growling in hunger.’ This time she stuck her tongue out at him with a cheeky flourish. ‘If you’re not fed you are a bear with a sore head. I’d like to be sure I have your full attention.’

‘You always do, of that I can assure you.’ Settling himself cross-legged, his curiosity was momentarily subdued as he carefully took another mouthful. ‘It’s not my fault if I don’t get fed. There’s far too much work to do at the moment. Tell people to stop bothering me, and then I might find time to eat.’

‘I wish I could. Have you seen how busy the Inquisition is getting? New recruits, all these boring diplomatic missions where no one listens to a word we have to say – I’m beginning to think that that dealing with Corypheus is the easier task rather than restoring peace.’ She sighed heavily, Cullen hoping against hope she might in turn open up on the nightmares the magister was sending her, then fighting to hide his disappointment when she glossed over the subject yet again. ‘Ferelden and Orlais want to resume their peace talks but I think we’ll have to move it from Jader, perhaps to Antiva which is more neutral ground – and did I see something about a new recruit from the Dalish clans cross my desk the other day?’

‘You did,’ he confirmed, grinning wryly as he thought of the latest envoy to the Inquisition. ‘Aras Lavellan. She’s been loaned to us by her clan First and, at her request, is assisting Leliana. Most ably too, if the initial reports I’ve seen from her are anything to go by. There’s the potential for some interesting alliances between the Inquisition, the Dalish and the new Divine if things go Leliana’s way. It’s an opportunity we shouldn’t waste.’

‘That sounds like the opening we need. If there's a chance we can cooperate more closely with the Dalish then we need to explore it. The undercurrent of dissent from both them and the city elves is completely understandable. We must work with them to find a positive way forward - there’s so much knowledge the Dalish can help us with, even though I know Solas has the most bizarre stance – hang on a minute.‘ Leaena broke off, as he chuckled again, the memory of Solas’ expression of abject confusion one he’d never expected the elf to succumb to. ‘Why the smirk, Commander? What aren’t you telling me?’

‘Let’s just say she’s caused quite a stir in certain quarters, even in the short time she’s been with the Inquisition,’ he replied blandly, a hundred percent sure of the cause of Solas' discomposure. ‘You’ll need to meet her for yourself to understand.’

‘Oh come off it, Cullen, don’t clam up on me!’ she protested, ‘I need to know these things! What’s the gossip?’

‘I’m the worst person you should come to about gossip! Why not go and speak to Josephine when we get in?’ His dismissal getting him nowhere, Cullen did his best to explain Solas’ predicament. ‘All I know is that she and Solas met on her second day, and from that point on they have been seen in each other's company for a large proportion of time. He seems to be even more preoccupied than normal - except his particular predicament is something a few of us recognise quite well.'

‘Solas and our lady Lavellan? You’re sure? I’ve clearly been away from Skyhold for too long to have missed this.’ Leaena started to laugh, immediately understanding his hinted implication. ‘Well, that should be interesting. He needs a good woman to give him some perspective, not to mention a challenge. From what I have read about the latest addition to our ranks, I believe he may have met his match.’

‘I think he might well have. She has a way of putting her arguments across that leave him looking somewhat….befuddled, as if he’s been struck by lightning. I had the dubious luck of witnessing such a debate during a recent round of chess - and no neither of us has emerged victorious yet.’ There was little sympathy in Cullen’s voice as his grin widened. ‘Being struck dumb by a beautiful woman is something that happens to the best of us, it seems. And, it’s something you might want to witness sooner rather than later. It’s well worth it and I’m pretty sure you’ll like her. Aras is articulate and determined, and her fighting skill would give Cadan a run for his money. I understand she and Sera have already caused a stir at some of the training sessions. She’s reserved, but that’s not a bad thing. I leave it to you to make your own judgement.’

‘Solas being out-argued? I want front row seats, if Dorian hasn’t bagged them already. If she’s managed that feat she must indeed be exceptional.’ Finishing the last bite of her pasty, Leaena wiped her fingers on the grass before brushing down her cloak. ‘I look forward to meeting her already – and remind me too to send a personal note of thanks to her clan First. Maybe we could even visit one day….but what am I doing! No more Inquisition business! Today is all about you. Are you ready to continue your tour?’

Helping her up to her feet, he linked his arms with hers as they turned their backs on the glittering water, slowly making their way across the grassy riverbank back towards a more exclusive district. Leaena was busy pointing out various landmarks and buildings of interest as they walked, Cullen content to let her voice soothe him, his mind drifting once more as he considered just how fortunate he truly was.

That Leaena was intelligent he’d always known, but it never failed to amaze him just how learned she was – well beyond even the most forward thinking of her peers in the Circle. The rich and turbulent history of Orlais she was regaling him with required an intellect only found in a select few, something that attracted him to her even more than her physical beauty. His Inquisitor was secretly a scholar, thrust into the limelight only because of circumstance, the thrill of combat she’d once relished in now lost amongst the carnage she’d been subjected to time and time again.

_Not to mention she hates being the cause, something that pains her more than she’d ever admit._

_We have both changed so much, in such a relatively short space of time. It is difficult for us both to adjust._

His earlier musings, over the kind of life that she was searching for, returned to him again as he contemplated what might suit her once the madness was over. A farm or a life in the country, certainly, was not something that would be her style. That said, he knew Leaena would be far happier locked in a library, arguing over some ancient string of Chantry text or identifying a new spell combination than she was leading the Inquisition.

In a strange way, they had both found themselves, albeit through the most challenging process imaginable. The results were something neither of them had expected. It saddened him, to see her become increasingly withdrawn from society and life, but knowing it was the only way she could cope with the sheer horror of what she’d witnessed. 

_And what she’s ordered done in her name._

_World-shaping decisions, controlling the destiny and deaths of so many._

It made days such as this one all the more precious. Here, they could just be, giving him hope that in future, she would be able to pick up the reins of her life once more. That gave him the most pleasure of all, to see her unwind and forget for a short while at least. She was gesturing animatedly at a statue of Emperor Reville, Cullen far more interested in the sparkle in her eyes and the lilting tone of her voice, not wanting to ruin her flow by telling her he was familiar with that particular tale. It didn’t matter if it meant he got to listen to her uninterrupted.

Cullen was trying to remember when he’d last had such a good time on his birthday. Leaena was on his arm, the lyrium headaches had declared a ceasefire, and somehow the cares of the Inquisition seemed a million miles away as they meandered their way through the packed streets. His spirit felt lighter than it had done for months, perhaps even years, the mere fact he’d finally started to open up working miracles he hadn’t realised were possible. He still had a long road to travel, but with her help, he’d made a start.

_Maybe I do deserve some happiness?_

_Maker knows, the only place I’m ever going to find it is with her._

‘There is a lot to be said for walking through the market, hand in hand with the prettiest girl in Thedas -  and with a warm cinnamon bun to enjoy too.’ Cullen grinned as he made Leaena blush again, a personal goal of his for the day to see her turning that delightful shade of pink as often as possible. ‘You’ve got some honey on your chin – how do you always end up so mucky, my lovely lady?’

Ignoring the urge to run his tongue over the offending drop and taste her lips in such a public space, he instead contented himself with catching the drip on his thumb. His breath hitching as Leaena’s hot mouth closed over the tip momentarily, the hint of expectation in her eyes burned brighter as he slowly withdrew his thumb. Unable to help himself, he stroked her bottom lip, fixated on how much her eyes dilated from that single gesture alone before capturing her fingers in his palm once more.

‘Perhaps it’s deliberate,’ she replied huskily as she returned to the present, holding out a chocolate roll for him to try. ‘See now, look at all those crumbs on your cheek, ser knight. I’m going to have to teach you some manners it seems.’

The tension that flowed between them both had merely intensified the closer they wound towards their destination. There was freedom in having their identities concealed that went beyond the obvious benefits, leaving them free to explore each other without the weighty responsibilities of Inquisitor and Commander to interfere.

 ‘Is that a promise? You teaching me is something I’d happily sign up for in a heartbeat.’ Cullen wasn’t sure whether he’d ever seen her look more flustered and desirable at the same time. ‘I’m shocked, Inquisitor! Your mind is clearly in the gutter. What did you think I meant?’

‘Ssssh!’ she giggled, as they dodged their way along the crowded streets. ‘We’re supposed to be unrecognisable. Doesn’t it feel good though?’

‘I have never enjoyed a birthday more. Thank you.’ His simple reply turned Leaena’s cheeks even redder. ‘Will you please tell me where we’re going now?’

‘It’s really not very far.’ Her evasive reply gave him no time to respond, Leaena pulling him through the thronging crowds and ducking into a side alley, lined with more expensive shops.

As they made their way to wherever she had in mind, her excitement and nervousness grew, Cullen knowing whatever she’d arranged was something new to their relationship. That it was bound to tantalise him beyond reason he was certain of – Leaena’s tension was only matched by her anticipation, Cullen sensing they were both only restraining themselves for the sake of this next adventure.

The shops became more grand, catering to the highest echelons of Orlesian society. The pavements were less crowded too, an air of exclusivity enveloping the streets as the shouts and smells of the market faded away. Replacing the stalls were plain shopfronts in imposing buildings, flowers and trees lining the paths as vigilant city guardsmen kept potential troublemakers away. All in all, it left Cullen even more bemused, unsure quite as to how such opulence would fit into her scheme.

That she knew exactly where she was going was apparent, Cullen abruptly finding himself outside a plain black lacquered door, manned by a guard in masked livery he didn’t recognise. All it took was one flash of her family’s signet ring for them to gain entry. The door swung soundlessly open into a dark corridor, lined with polished wooden panels, their boots making no sound on the thick red carpet as they were led deeper inside.

‘What is this place and why the Trevelyan seal to gain entry?’ His curiosity was doomed to remain unsatisfied still as they were ushered into a typically garish Orlesian parlour decorated in cream and gold. 

‘There is no way I want these particular purchases showing up on my Inquisition expenses. I’ve had a personal account here for years.’ Her smile told Cullen nothing except that she was planning something that he’d either love or loathe. ‘Don’t look so frightened, Commander. Would I ever embarrass you?’

Before he had time to respond, a woman he could only politely describe as burlesque swept in, Leaena standing to greet her as if they were old friends. Which they clearly were, much to his continued confusion.

‘Lea, it has been far too long, _ma petite_! I heard terrible rumours….’ They were kissing each other on the cheek, three times in the familiar greeting between Orlesians. ‘You are someone very important now, are you not, Inquisitor! Friends with Gaspard himself. And who have you bought me?’

Shrewd brown eyes behind an intricate gold mask pinned Cullen to the spot, convinced he was being viewed as prize horseflesh about to be put on display to the highest bidder.

‘ _Magnifique_ – what fun you must have with this one,’ she murmured as Cullen prayed for the ground to swallow him whole. ‘Your reputation precedes you, Commander. I now understand why.’

‘Thank you, Francine, for accommodating us at such short notice.’ Leaena smoothly interrupted, much to his eternal gratitude. ‘Cullen and I are having a day off from Inquisition business and I was looking for somewhere we could shop with – discretion. I could think of no better place to come than your boutique.’

‘Say no more. You are in the right place and we are at your disposal for as long as you need. The store is yours – I have closed the doors to everyone else. Of course, my staff know how to stay quiet.’ Gesturing for them both to follow, she rattled off some orders in Orlesian for refreshments to a servant before leading them out of the parlour. ‘Now tell me, dear girl, how is your charming sister? It has been some time since we welcomed Lady Caya here….’

Cullen had somehow made his legs move, still completely baffled by what lay in wait. Shopping was something he avoided at the best of times, a necessary evil when a tailor or a smith couldn’t provide him with what he needed. That Leaena regularly had goods she wanted sent to Skyhold from the networks she and Josephine set up he was well aware, something he made use of when he wanted to order books or various scrolls to surprise her with. As to why she wanted to bring him somewhere so clearly exclusive – and seemingly targeted at females, however, was lost on him.

He didn’t have to wait long, his mouth falling open in shock as two screens rolled backwards, revealing the contents of the room behind. His brain refused to function, swinging from the decidedly erotic through to the utterly ludicrous at a rate he couldn’t keep up with.

‘Leaena,’ he blurted out, completely forgetting they weren’t alone, ‘why am I surrounded by women’s undergarments?’

A spurt of poorly-concealed laughter from Leaena did nothing for his decided discomfort. Depending on what she intended, of course.

‘Didn’t we say last night that we needed to explore more fantasies together? It’s not just me……’

Cullen wasn’t paying attention. He’d never in his life set foot in a place such as this one, having only come across their seedier counterparts in Kirkwall – something he was most definitely not interested in. This, however, was a different proposition entirely.

He almost couldn’t cope, the blatantly sexual images bombarding him wherever his eyes landed leaving him unable to communicate even the most basic of messages, his palms feeling damp as he clenched his hands into fists. He was in a pit of torment and in a sensual heaven at the same time, with no understanding still of what she expected from him.

_It could be anything._

‘…..unless you want to try, of course. I mean, we don’t have to….’

_Try…..she can’t be serious!_

He only just heard part of the sentence, his befuddled, panicked brain making a connection he couldn’t quite believe, yet presenting him with the only seemingly logical thing to stammer out loud in his haste to put an end to his seething discomfort.

‘Ah – erm, I know that there are some – ,‘ he cleared his throat, looking wildly round at anything but her. ‘I know that some find, um, men dressing up, um, enticing, but I really, I don’t –.‘

‘Men dressing up? But I don’t –. ‘  

‘It’s not that I don’t want to erm, experiment, but perhaps something else less – women’s clothing has never –.‘

‘Dear Maker – Cullen, what the fuck are you talking about?’

He finally looked at her as she swore loudly in an attempt to get his attention, aware he’d failed miserably to even get a single, sensible sentence out.

‘I don’t want you to wear women’s clothes. I want me to wear lingerie. For you. Which you choose for me.’

Cullen stared at Leaena stupidly for a moment, each one of her words enunciated slowly and clearly, wanting to be sure he’d understood. 

‘Oh. Right. Well….I thought….’ Cullen’s brain rocketed from one extreme back to the other, leaving him momentarily speechless.

‘Andraste preserve me, Cullen, of all the things that usually brilliant mind of yours comes up with, how did you arrive at that particular conclusion?’ She was clearly struggling to remain calm in the face of his plight. ‘I have a very active imagination when it comes to you, but that is a particular fetish I’d prefer to never to explore!’

‘Sorry,’ he mumbled, feeling a combination of utter foolishness and snaking arousal through his veins as his eyes fell on numerous concoctions, his mind now busy with the potential she’d just presented him with. ‘I’ve never been anywhere like this before. It’s – um – it’s a lot to take in.’

Her delicate sip of the champagne just passed to them both hid the laughter he knew was waiting to bubble over. Taking a big gulp, he was thankful for the distraction as he scowled down at the woman who’d in the space of seconds caused him to be more discomposed than he’d ever been in his entire life.

‘Inquisitor,’ he murmured, groaning inwardly at how idiotic he’d been, ‘it would significantly help me recover my pride if you’d stop laughing at me.’

‘You walked right into that all by yourself, Commander.’ This time she started to laugh, the tension shattered as humour took its place. ‘Oh your face was a picture! I didn’t have the heart to let you struggle on, thinking I wanted you to – to – seriously in what universe…..why would you think I find that remotely attractive!’

‘Panic. I honestly thought that’s what you were suggesting. It will teach me to always pay attention to what you say in future.’ He rubbed the back of his neck, waiting for his blushes to subside. ‘I had no idea what you intended, but I am relieved to know it involves you decked out in this finery rather than me.’

‘It most certainly does.’ Her laughter vanished, to be replaced by trepidation, Leaena clearly worried she’d landed well wide of the outcome she’d been after. ‘You’ll have to forgive me. This shop has everything for women, not just the mundane – I thought you might like to select some pieces that you’d like to see me wear. If you want to, of course, I mean, you seem really uncomfortable and that’s the last thing I…..we can just not – I – understand…..’

Cullen had finally taken stock of his surroundings, looking properly around the large showroom floor for the first time as his mortification receded. It was softly lit in dusky pinks and gold, giving him the impression of what an Orlesian noblewoman’s boudoir would resemble. Mannequins were decorated in a range of underwear, stockings and other things which he didn’t recognise, along with several hangers that had even more downright salacious garments on display.

Joining a lady and helping her select such intimate apparel had never entered into his sphere of existence.

_Because before her, every affair was meaningless._

_There was nothing that could ever have enticed me to wait outside a bloody lingerie shop, let alone cross the threshold._

 ‘Your…..your…..’ As his eyes fell on one particularly revealing concoction, Cullen swallowed hard, fighting a losing battle at the simple thought of what she was wearing underneath her current outfit alone. ‘You want me to help you choose? I’ve not – um, this isn’t really my area of expertise….’

There was such an abundance of choice, from the demure to the downright obvious. No matter where he looked, his mind was busy dressing Leaena into every single thing his eyes landed on.

‘I – I’ve never done anything like this before either. I mean, it’s not the sort of thing you do with just anyone is it? I – well, I always thought, with the right man, it might be fun.’ Cool fingers slipped in between his, Leaena lacing them tightly as she made her quiet, halting admission. ‘I know – I’m not the same since everything……but I do like the idea of d- dressing up for you, Cullen, I always have. I’ve been hoping we could do something like this for a while now, but there was never the opportunity.’

Her shyly halting, whispered confession as she stood on tiptoe, her breath warm against his ear was all he needed to bring his mind back to what was truly important. Leaena was in one sense baring her soul, her hesitation borne out of the trauma he couldn’t bring himself to think of – trauma that had adversely affected their relationship time and time again.

He’d always known on some level that she enjoyed the impact her outfits had on him. Whether it was the vision of feminine perfection she’d presented at the Winter Palace through to the first time he’d struggled to close his jaw at the sight of her lithe, supple body in tight leather armour, it had been just as fascinating for him to imagine what she had decided to wear underneath.

For her to admit just how much sensual enjoyment it gave her, however, was something new. It was as much about her self-esteem as it was a present for him – which, when he saw it in that light, made it so much more important than his own petty reaction. She’d taken the initiative to attempt something different, with the sole purpose to make him feel better after the night before, and there was no way he would ever deny her.

He could sense her trepidation, the latent fear holding back the wave of sensuality she wanted to lose herself in. Cullen was left in awe yet again by her bravery. In reality, the physical evidence of her torture had faded to virtually nothing, the only one still remotely noticeable following the line of her jaw, another across her stomach and the one dealt to her in the Fade up her side. They demonstrated her dedication and unwavering strength, a clear reflection of her promise to always return to his side no matter what separated them. She always did, even against the terrifying horrors she had to defeat to keep her word.

For Leaena, her scars still remained – the ones in her mind rearing their ugly head when neither of them expected it. Sometimes, like last night, she forgot, focussed on alleviating his pain instead, or the night they’d played Wicked Grace, for a prize of far greater value than the pile of golds on the table. No matter the occasion, his heart had been bursting to see her so uninhibited from the chains of the past.

Them to his dismay, in the cold reality of day she remembered, her continual hesitation an unwelcome reminder to them both of just how far they had to go. For her to be so honest about something so personal had Cullen wanting to weep. It was a further sign of her healing, her implicit trust in him something he’d never betray.

_My lady, how many times can you humble me in one lifetime?_

_As if I would ever say no to anything you asked me for. Especially not this._

‘You, in something I choose for you? Do you have any idea how much you are temptation incarnate, Leaena?’ Not letting go of her hand, his finger lifted her chin lightly as he kissed her softly, knowing she could sense not only his love but his gratitude for her courage flowing from every corner of his being. ‘You always are, but this in particular……let’s just say I can’t wait to get you back to somewhere I can fully express my appreciation.’

‘That is a promise I expect you to keep.’ Her eyes were dilated and her voice breathless, her confidence growing by the second once more. ‘I’m going to assume you have a certain – familiarity with everything in a store such as this?’

The servants seemed to have melted away as they started to browse, only one waiting patiently to assist on the other side of the room, studiously paying no attention to them both.

Truth be told, Cullen found it all somewhat intense. There was such an array, everything in a myriad of colours and designs, he didn’t have a clue where to begin. Mentally pushing himself into the battle, he decided the only thing to do was properly look, rather than pretend the more – intricate – pieces didn’t exist.

‘Some of it looks downright uncomfortable.’ He lifted up an offending bodice in a garish shade of orange, straps and laces trailing from every conceivable angle. ‘This is made of iron, surely! I’d prefer it if you didn’t faint. How on earth do you women breathe?’

‘Ah yes, but that’s mainly for women who require assistance with their figure – and who wear a certain style of dress.’ She glanced down at her comfortable trousers to make her point. ‘It’s not a fashion I’ll ever adopt – ah, yes, I think this section of the store might be more suited to Bull’s tastes. Maybe we should….’

‘Oh, I don’t know. He might be onto something.’ The idea of Leaena scantily clad in leather was far more interesting than he’d previously thought possible. ‘Why don’t we try this out?’

‘Seriously?’ This time it was Leaena’s turn to take a larger swig of champagne, holding up the studded black corset as she eyed it dubiously. ‘Well, it’s your birthday. Why not? Did you want a whip as well?’

‘Whi – what?’ Cullen blinked, trying not to choke as he belatedly spied an array of devices that looked better suited to a torture chamber. ‘Maker’s Breath! That’s the sort of thing he’s into? That’s just painful!’

‘Well, that is sort of the idea,’ she retorted, smothering a grin. ‘I had no idea you were such an innocent, Commander.’

‘Innocent….I’m well aware of what accessories exist to satisfy whatever kink an individual chooses to indulge in – you’re winding me up aren’t you, Inquisitor?’ Running a hand through his hair, he shook his head at himself. ‘It’s my birthday. You’re supposed to be nice to me.’

‘Hey, am I not always?’ She looked around as if searching for something, the secret smile dancing on her lips as she waved the attendant over. ‘There’s no need to look so dubious, Cullen. I’m going to show you just how nice I can be, don’t you worry.’

‘I will hold you to that –.‘ His mouth went dry as Leaena gestured to the elf to add to their collection a pair of boots that would end somewhere halfway up her thighs, and another pair of shoes with a heel so high he was half convinced she’d break her neck in them. ‘There truly is something for everyone isn’t there?’

‘Oh yes. I’ve shopped here for all my essentials, but this is the first time I’ve truly dared explore the more, um, out there offerings Francine has for sale.’ She cast him a coquettish look that had him chuckling, his embarrassment disappearing once more. ‘No whip then, I take it? This is a very good way to find out just what does capture your interest, Cullen.’

‘If it involves you, I am all for it,’ he replied blithely, feeling more assured as he led her over to a display which he guessed were of some sort of shorts made out of lace. ‘Now, don’t get me wrong, I always enjoy those tiny scraps of cloth that seem to be your preference. If you’d indulge me by wearing some of these, just for once, then I’d be a happy man. Perhaps with one of those…..things – shit, Leaena, I don’t know what to call them, do I! I’m hardly a bloody expert!’

Leaena simply couldn’t contain herself as Cullen’s cupped hand gestures around his own mid-section to explain what he thought was self-explanatory seemingly had the wrong effect. It was impossible not to join in the hilarity, however, as he looked down at one hand, filled with some sort of sheer material, flailing in vain at his own chest. The ludicrousness of the situation, from the moment they’d set foot into the building, hit him too, both of them shaking uncontrollably, tears of unbridled laughter on Leaena’s face.

‘Oh Cullen, I do love you!’ she eventually gasped, bent over double as she tried to breathe between her fit of giggles. ‘I’ve never seen such a description of a basque before! Did you have to make the attempt on your own body, especially after our earlier conversation? What an image you’ve left me with!’

‘It got me the desired effect didn’t it? Not only do I now know the proper name, I was able to provide some form of entertainment for you in the meantime. Never say I’m not useful to have around.’

It was true. He lived to see her like this, her eyes sparkling with humour, the heavy mantle of the Inquisitor nowhere in sight. If it meant making himself look ridiculous in the process, it was a small price to pay.

They both took their time browsing, Cullen now embarked on an education he’d never expected to receive in the finer points of female attire. Far from being awkward, both of them found the funny side to the situation, the undercurrent of awareness adding to a shopping excursion that was turning out to be the best yet.

Cullen had no idea what the various names were for the myriad of items being paraded for his inspection, but was busy making a mental note for future reference. The offering was extensive, ranging from mundane, utilitarian necessities right through to what he deemed as exotic – far, far away from his personal taste – and, fortunately for him, Leaena’s too.

‘This is quite the experience. I never realised just how much having your perspective would alter my usual choices. I’m definitely more adventurous than I would be on my own – and that’s not a bad thing at all. How about this to sleep in?’ She held up a surprisingly simple fitted emerald top with matching shorts which he immediately approved of, resisting the urge to point out that it wouldn’t stay on long enough for her to do any sleeping. ‘Your birthday – my treat, by the way. We’ll pick up anything we want and arrange for it to be delivered later today.’

‘This matches your eyes and your – I’d like to see what this looks like on you.' Cullen gingerly picked up a diaphanous blue negligée to add to the growing pile, Leaena’s soft, ivory skin against the deep blue silk a tantalising image he was in no hurry to chase away. ‘And very well, just this once. Thank you, for a birthday which is already the most memorable I’ve had – and for all the right reasons.’

Cullen stopped their progress, the light touches of his palm against her back all the invitation Leaena needed to lean every single luscious curve against his body. He gazed into eyes that were hazy with an invitation so blatant he was left fighting for some vestige of self-control.

‘In future, however, you’ll have to let me surprise you with more of the same. I fully intend on spoiling you, and me, in the process now I know just how much this….captures your attention.’ His voice was rough with his own desire, Cullen almost about to stop breathing at the deliberate, light press of her breasts against his chest. ‘The need I always have for you, Leaena, will never lessen. Sometimes, it’s at the point where I can barely think of anything else, with only you in each fantasy to keep me company as I wait, impatiently, for you to return. You as my sinful angel with an outfit to match – how did you guess?’

If he’d been struggling to concentrate before, it was nigh on impossible with the provocative words that followed, Leaena taking him completely unawares with such blatant sensuality. He’d never complain, though. It was yet another sign she was returning to him, after all the trials and all the agony, at long last embracing the woman she was truly destined to be.

‘I’ve watched you, watching me, stripping me naked in your mind – be it when we’re alone or in a crowded room. I know all too well how you want me to slowly tease you as I take my time inching off every item of clothing, until I reveal just what’s underneath.’ Leaena pressed a heated, lingering kiss in that most sensitive spot just behind his ear, Cullen’s heart thundering loudly in his chest, his mind flooded with image after seductive image. ‘If that’s in something you’ve bought for me then all the better. I want to look good for you, Cullen. I want to see that fire in your eyes, the one that shows me just how badly you need me – as much as I need you.’

‘The picture you’ve just painted is making it increasingly difficult for me to not buy up this entire collection for you, and never leaving your chambers ever again.’ Cullen’s voice trembled slightly as he forced himself to remain casual, the only thing stopping him from dragging her to the floor and disgracing them both being the poor elven assistant lurking in the background. ‘You have no idea just how much time I’ve spent imagining you in – and subsequently out of – a variety of different ensembles, and I wouldn’t consider a moment of it wasted. Quite the opposite, in fact.’

‘Now that is something you’ll have to explain to me in greater detail sometime. Soon.’ Her laidback manner as she flicked through more clothes was, he sensed, anything but, her voice low and husky as she bit her lip in anticipation. ‘I know exactly what you want, Cullen. And I can’t wait to experiment further.’

‘Experiment how? You’ll have to be more explicit.’ The highly suggestive conversation was merely enhancing the whole experience, Cullen unthinkingly adding a deep red corset to the steadily increasing pile draped over Leaena’s arm. ‘This is all new to me, don’t forget. You’ll have to give me much more detail.’

‘You have an active imagination. It will help fill the gaps until I can show you in person later.’ Much to his disappointment, the exchange was cut short as she gave the shop assistant a charming smile, handing over what looked like a mountain of cloth to be packaged.

He’d never anticipated being so involved in the selection process of such items – the idea of ever buying her something so personal without Leaena’s approval having never occurred to him. But, with her encouragement and the two of them making the decision together, it was turning out to be one of the most pleasurable afternoons he’d had in some time.

If he’d been aware just how interesting shopping could be with Leaena he’d have suggested it himself ages ago. It revealed yet another side to her personality he’d had no idea existed. After so many months, he was fascinated by just how much he still had to discover.

‘Here, what about this?’ Cullen held up something flimsy and see-through in black which he assumed to be some sort of sleeping apparel. ‘I’m really not sure this – nightie? – would serve any practical purpose in terms of keeping you warm but I’m fairly sure I can help you with that.’

‘Nightie?’ She burst into giggles, just what they’d spent the last couple of hours doing hitting them both once more, her laughter infectious. ‘Cullen, you remind me of my grandmother! Why don’t you sit over there and wait whilst I sort this out with Francine? This should only take a few minutes.’

Placing a swift kiss on her cheek, Cullen left her to finalise her purchases, settling himself in a comfortable armchair by the door as he drained his glass. He watched her finalise her purchases, wondering just how he was going to survive the journey home, knowing what was still to come. His body was afire and his mind conjuring up image after erotic image, Cullen quite content to let it run riot. Quite aside from just how downright gorgeous Leaena would look, there was something about the whole encounter that was bringing them closer, an increased sense of togetherness as they discovered a whole new side to each other – and their relationship – that had yet to be uncovered.

The playful, seductive side of Leaena taking control was something he’d secretly yearned to see more of, reluctant to push her where he thought she’d been uncomfortable to go. To see her taking so much sensual excitement in her role gave him more hope than she’d probably ever know.

_Not to mention pleasure, of the best kind._

_Holy shit, Leaena, you will be the death of me……_

Knowing if he focussed too much on what Leaena was ordering, he’d need to dump more than cold water over himself. Instead, he closed his eyes, allowing his mind to drift back to the discussion he’d been having with himself earlier, his chest tightening with nerves and expectation as he continued to plan for their future together.

_Sapphires are her favourite. Although those diamonds, and whatever her parents have in that vault, will be worth so much more than anything I can….._

_For fuck’s sake, it’s not a competition, Cullen! Isn’t it?_

Cullen’s eyes snapped open as he battled the unwanted paranoia that one thought had ignited, cutting dead his previously buoyant mood in a split second. The relentless belief that he’d fail yet again plagued him, right when he least expected it.

Fighting to calm himself down, forcing away the crushing insecurities, he unwillingly caught Leaena’s concerned gaze from the other side of the room. It was pointless trying to hide from her the flare of nagging doubt, his inadequacies swarming from every direction as he tried his best to ignore the incessant voices promising him every kind of retribution if he got things wrong.  

_I want to get it right._

_I don’t want this, of all things, to be a failure, like everything else I’ve ruined in the past….._

He quickly stood, dizzy from the abrupt movements as his anger grew, frustrated yet again at his inability to claw free from his demons. The claustrophobia hit him from nowhere, right at the same time the knives stabbed his brain, Cullen frantic to escape the cloying floral scent which seemed to increase a thousand fold with each breath rasping his lungs. Clamping his fingers on the top of the chair so he wouldn’t fall, he refused to cave into the nightmares, poisoned whispers mocking him for his audacity at even attempting to break free of the chains that bound him still.

It was the sapphire warmth spreading through his chest, pushing the darkness away, that checked the rampant fear in its tracks. Her silent comfort and understanding settled deep in his soul, the sense of completion his self-hatred had severed returning to him once more, reminding him just what mattered – her, and nothing else. They were right together, exactly as she’d said the night before, both of them having survived too much for him to falter now.

The truth she’d shown him was melting the chill that had seeped into his blood as he started to breathe again, inclining his head a fraction to let her know he was better. She squeezed his fingers for a brief second, Cullen allowing her physical presence and memories of happier times to bolster his conscience. As quickly as it had racked him, the terror faded as he gritted his teeth, determined to not let one minor incident impact on them both.

Preventing Leaena from saying anything, Cullen turned to the proprietor, increasingly eager to escape as fast as possible. He did the only thing he could think of to hasten their departure, taking Madame Francine’s hand and executing a bow Josephine would have applauded him for.

‘We are in your debt, madame.’ A hint of a smile at Leaena’s amazed expression twitched his lips as he stood back. ‘Thank you for your hospitality. It has been – illuminating.’

‘A gentleman indeed, no matter what circumstance throws into your path. I see why the minstrels write their mournful ballads and fair maidens weep themselves to sleep.’ Cullen didn’t want to think on the meaning of her words, his small gesture clearly the right thing to have done as she bestowed on him an approving smile. ‘You are clearly more versed in the Game than you let on. A sensible action in its own right. You will go far, Commander.’

They made their departure in a flurry of silk scarves and heavy perfume, both of them relieved as they made it outside. A small package was securely held in Leaena’s hand as they started to walk back to the embassy.

‘Do you want me to carry that for you?’ he offered as she linked her arm with his, peace settling over Cullen once more as they strolled through the clear sunlight of late afternoon.

It was as if the black hysteria had never been, the single reminder a dull headache, Cullen only escaping Leaena’s scrutiny now they were walking. It was a dramatic shift he increasingly found hard to manage, grateful to be outside as he took slow, steady breaths of the fresh cold air to eradicate the final hints of disorientation.

‘No it’s fine, thank you. I’m glad it’s less busy – it’s easier to walk this close to you now.’ Leaena snuggled against him, instinctively aware that he needed to stay distracted rather than talk about whatever had just hit him. ‘We should get back with enough time to bath and dress for later. I’m not going to ask if you’re looking forward to the event, but are you interested in seeing the exhibition at least?’

‘Indeed I am,’ he replied truthfully. ‘It’s an exceptional chance to view the finest collection of Chantry military warfare ever procured in Thedas. Gaspard is hardly the philistine many have painted him – even if he has a personal interest in the subject matter. The building is quite the feat of architecture too, I believe.’

‘Oh Maker, yes! In fact, if you see that hotel there? It was designed by the same architect, Phillipe de Vernier – such a favourite with the Empress that for a while people thought the whole of Orlais would end up decked out with such monstrous facades……’ Faithful to her earlier promise, Leaena continued with her tour as they walked home, the streets now marginally less crowded as the afternoon drew to a close.

He half-listened once more, the contentment he felt at having Leanea to himself putting to rest the remnants of his living nightmare that had momentarily clawed its way free. Given the nature of his day, tranquillity wasn’t the emotion dominating his mind but equally, he was thankful to have some space to sort through his wayward thoughts. There would be time later to reflect on events which had provided both the heady high of sensual exhilaration and the crashing low borne out of his own paralysing insecurities.

It all, of course, came back to Leaena. To joke, to have debates, to share stories – his mind, body and soul were greedy for so much more. In twenty-four hours, they’d exposed the most sensitive parts of their being, laughed so hard they’d cried and slipped into the easy camaraderie they both thrived on.

And the sun hadn’t even set yet.

He wished heartily they didn’t have to head back to the embassy, praying hard that one day, they’d head back to a house of their own, with no state dinners and no sharing Leaena’s time with anyone else. Cullen was getting jealous of it all, an emotion he wasn’t proud of, but increasingly finding it hard to hide his frustration. He was torn between his incessant need to seek atonement, work for the Inquisition never far from his mind, and loving Leaena, the one thing that bought complete peace to his soul. 

_Still, at least I have a plan. And in the meantime, the day isn’t over._

_That she’s got something up her sleeve still is apparent. I wonder what…._

He let his eyes roam over her animated features as she highlighted the merits of the chapel they’d just walked past, his eyes straying to the package in her hands. For once, he knew he’d be able to face down every single noble in the room with blithe indifference, the image of Leaena wearing what was contained in that parcel more than enough to entertain him during the long hours ahead.

Smiling to himself, Cullen gave his full attention back to Leaena’s conversation, the aberration in the store forgotten as the expectation began to build. For him at least, the night couldn’t come fast enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thanks to [surlysara](http://archiveofourown.org/users/surlysara) for lending me her gorgeous [Aras (Momo) Lavellan](http://where-willows-wail.tumblr.com/post/139289206479/her-beauty-and-the-moonlight-overthrew-you-she)!
> 
> Also, in this fic Ostwick is based on the neighbouring county to my own, Cornwall. So when there was a chance to include Ostwick pasties based on one of my favourite things, a [Cornish pasty](http://www.cornishpastyassociation.co.uk/), I had to take it!


	106. Midnight's Promise

Impatiently she fidgeted with the hem of her cloak, surprised by how constricted she felt in a bodice she normally didn’t even notice wearing. Unsure whether it was sweat from her nerves making everything stick so uncomfortably, or whether she’d eaten too many pies all day long she had no clue. It was irrelevant anyway, the events she’d set in motion too late to change now they’d almost arrived. It had seemed like such a fabulous plan when she’d arranged it all a lifetime ago, but after the roller coaster of a day they’d had she was no longer so sure.

_He doesn’t like surprises. So what do you do, organise a whole day of the bloody things._

_Well done, Lea.  No wonder he reacted so strangely earlier!_

All she had wanted to do was arrange something fun for Cullen, to give him a complete break from the intense strain he’d been under. Try though he might to pretend, the cracks were beginning to show. He was attempting to be all things to everyone in his mission for redemption, struggling to define who he was. His quest wasn’t helped one iota by the withdrawal and the visions of the past he’d been forced to relive time and time again. The previous night’s revelations had left her furious on his behalf, her own childish jealousy upon hearing just how close he’d been to Nathalie Hawke nothing when faced with the depths of loneliness he’d experienced for so many years.

They had survived the very worst their enemies could dredge up, their unique connection alone bonding them in a way no other living being could appreciate. Yet, even though they were closer than perhaps any other couple in Thedas, those hideous experiences still held them miles apart.

Lea was fed up of it. She’d wanted, just for a day, to put the turmoil and pressure to one side and do something that would remove the underlying hesitation she’d had ever since Cullen had carried her broken body from Samson’s lair. The grind of the last few weeks at Skyhold had seen them barely touching each other, both too exhausted to do anything but collapse in bed and sleep for an hour before the nightmares racked them both. She badly wanted to open herself up just as he’d done the previous evening – to show him that the fun, playful side of her personality hadn’t been swamped in a red lyrium mire.

Instead she’s just ended up feeling stupid, awkward and gauche. It cancelled out the laughter and the torrent of sexual tension once Cullen recovered from his initial astonishment. It didn’t matter. All she could focus on was his horror and despondency as they’d left, Cullen and his attacks of paranoia becoming more and more frequent as he continued refusing to address what had happened in the Fade.

Now, here they were, embarked on her latest bright idea, Lea filled with dread on the one hand whilst, on the other, unable to take her eyes off him.

_He did something he hated for me that night, just to make me feel special, and what did I do? Ran away and broke his heart._

_Is it so wrong that I want to make up for it? Just one evening, that’s all I’m asking for!_

‘Uncomfortable?’ Cullen queried, Lea for once wishing he didn’t look quite so appealing as she attempted a reassuring smile. ‘That wasn’t remotely convincing. Why are you so on edge, Leaena? You deal with events like this standing on your head. For once, I seem more composed than you.’

‘I’m not uncomfortable. I’d just like to get there, that’s all.’ Lea knew her voice lacked conviction, something Cullen immediately noticed.

‘There’s nothing for you to worry about. We’ve gone over the briefing notes Josephine left us, although quite why she and Trystan felt the need to leave so early is beyond me. I don’t care how grand this affair is, nor how desperate they are for the Inquisitor to attend. If I had realised you were so tired, we could have cancelled. There will be other opportunities for us to view this collection, and with half the crowd that will almost certainly be in attendance.’

Lea barely heard anything aside from the concerned note in his voice over just why she’d picked this particular event to attend, thankful for the dark of the carriage hiding her face. She was too busy alternating between nerves, terror and excitement as she continued to stare in fascination at the man she knew she would never get enough of in a million lifetimes. The bright lights from the streets through the carriage window cast shadows over his face, one eyebrow raised sardonically as a glitter of amber flared in response to her lame answer.

_Maker save me but you are beautiful, even when you scowl. Or do I mean especially?_

_The man of my dreams, moonlight, music….maybe this time…..what?? I must stop!_

No, it was pointless. Lea couldn’t prevent herself from daydreaming about their future together even if she truly wanted to. Cullen was her knight in shining armour, the real thing even better than her youthful fancies had suggested. She was enthralled by a face she could spend forever watching, the minute changes that showed each change of mood and emotion etched permanently in her mind. After all the heartache and all the pain, she’d just wanted to give them both a memory they’d never forget – and this time for the right reasons.

Hopefully, he would forgive her this one last deception.

‘I’m not bothered Cullen, honestly – certainly not about the banquet. It’s a run of the mill thing, I know.’ Lea rested her hand lightly over his, the black leather of his gloves warm on her palm. ‘I am looking forward to it. It’s merely a state banquet, a look round the museum and then into the ball. Simple.’

‘Well, if you feel it’s all too much we will leave. Josephine can fret all she likes over the courtesies – your health is far more important than some shiny masked cretin.’ The cynicism in Cullen’s eyes softened as he regarded her. ‘I have thoroughly enjoyed my birthday so far, and nothing would please me more than to have an excuse to spend the remainder just with you.’

‘You’re sure? I didn’t mean to spring such unexpected –.’

Suddenly Lea was enveloped in the unique scent that was Cullen as he leaned forward to kiss each and every anxiety she’d been agonising over away. Heedless of the colour she’d used, her lips parted, a soft sigh of pleasure leaving her as her tongue sought out his, her senses clamouring noisily for more as he slowly sat back.

‘No one has ever gone to the effort you have for me. You have made me feel special and wanted – you know what I need far better than I do.’ He watched her steadily, the smile slowly spreading across his face adding to the delicious ache in her abdomen, a welcome replacement for the numbing panic that had stifled her moments previously. ‘I would happily face down a battalion of Orlesian nobles if it means I get to see what you have on underneath that cloak. Remember, every time I look at you – which will be almost constantly – I’ll be envisioning just what awaits me when I get to unwrap my final present.’

Silently, Lea’s trembling fingers wiped his mouth clean, the blood red of her nails almost black against his lightly tanned skin. Before she had a chance to move away, he captured her hand in his, the warmth of his lips sending her blood on fire as he gently kissed the inside of her wrist. She couldn’t move, the sensual promise that had flowed between them both all day intensifying, berating herself for not abandoning the whole enterprise and keeping him right in her bed where they both belonged.

‘Are you going to put your hood down, my lady? It would please me greatly to look upon your exquisite beauty, before reality reasserts itself and you are whisked away for the rest of the night.’ Cullen’s murmured request was nearly her undoing. ‘There will be far too many covetous eyes on you. I find myself reluctant to share you, let alone tolerate those who would take you away from me.’

‘It’s always far worse for me.’ Crossing her fingers as she skirted the truth, she smiled to herself, Cullen as ever charmingly clueless over just how attractive he was to women and men both. ‘To catch the eye of the Commander of the Inquisition is a prize beyond measure. You are in demand, of that I can assure you.’

‘So long as it’s you doing the demanding then the rest can go hang. You have all my attention - you always did. No woman can ever compare to you, Leaena.’

Before she had the wits to reply to such an honest compliment, the carriage rumbled to a halt, both Lea and Cullen pulled back into the present. Immediately, the churning in her stomach increased, Lea’s limbs barely able to function as Cullen helped her down.

The unexpected heat of the day had met with the chill of the wintery night, the imposing and majestic building of the Musée de l'Armée Orlais looming out of the fog. She linked her arm with his as they made their way inside, dwarfed by towering columns of white marble. Cullen’s muscles were tense under her fingertips as they passed through the grand entrance, the march of the Inquisition’s escort that had accompanied them fading away under the tune of violins starting in the next hall.

‘Why is it so quiet?’ he whispered in confusion as they made it into the dimly lit foyer, portraits of past Orlesian generals glaring down at them. ‘There’s just Orlesian guards! I don’t hear the usual chatter of a drinks reception. I would have thought Josephine or Trystan would be here to meet us at the very least – are you sure this is it?’

‘It’s alright,’ she replied shakily. ‘There’s something else before we go inside. There isn’t – there isn’t anyone else here aside from you and me.’

Taking a deep breath in a vain attempt to compose herself, Lea finally pushed her hood back and unclasped her cloak, not even aware of the servant who’d just removed it from her shoulders. She looked up to meet Cullen’s stunned gaze, shaking out her dress then clasping her hands in a death grip so he wouldn’t see her tremors of apprehension.

‘I thought – well, that is to say the exhibition is on tonight. For us. With dinner. So you can look around the collection undisturbed and then we can have food – it’s really quite spectacular…..’

He didn’t say anything as she forced herself to stop babbling, Lea becoming increasingly uneasy under Cullen’s incredulous stare. Involuntarily and, despite his shock, he took in with undisguised admiration an outfit she’d selected with great care, intent on outdoing the splendour of her dress at the Winter Palace. She’d kept herself under wraps as a small surprise for him, yet another one she was now beginning to regret as she tried to push doubt aside, praying he liked what he saw.

The blood-red velvet clung to her breasts and hips, the long fluted sleeves lined with black silk. Skirts flared out from her waist in voluminous folds as they pooled on the floor around her feet, falling in a train. The bodice was cut daringly low, silver silk rolled over and lining the hem, drawing the eye to the shadow between her breasts. A thick diamond choker covered most of her neck sparkling in the muted light, matching the bracelet and drop earrings set she’d had ordered especially. Her hair was drawn loosely back from her face and fell down her back in a riot of curls, securely fastened by more diamond clips at the back, a few white blonde strands framing her face.

Her jewels and dramatic makeup – black kohl and shadow on her eyes and lips the same shade as her nails – was all that was reminiscent of the fateful night of their first ball, Lea determined to slay the monster that still stalked them both. Her look was startlingly different and far more feminine from the severe ice princess of her past. Dropping her usual mask and security was another step in her campaign to regain a sense of self which Samson and Vivienne had so mercilessly stripped away.

Most importantly for her, however, was Lea’s chance to repair the broken heart Cullen had yet to recover from. She’d spent too many nights with silent tears of regret pouring down her cheeks as he screamed her name, then Imshael’s over and over again, his body convulsing in a nightmare she could never waken him from. It needed no guesswork on her part to know he was referring to that fateful chain of events – whatever had passed between him and the demon still a subject Cullen refused to broach. Her flight had merely compounded the issue, leaving him torn in two – his mind unable to reconcile her behaviour from what his soul told him was the truth.

_I will never leave you again._

_I will find a different way to prove this to you every day for the rest of my life._

‘I – this – it’s for you,’ she stammered helplessly, her mouth dry as she tried to fill the lengthy silence. ‘I know you hate crowds and so do I and Gaspard didn’t mind when I asked….and Josephine thought it was romantic so even though you hate surprises, and I match your sash –.’

‘You are beautiful. Maker’s Breath, that’s such an inadequate word.’ Cullen seemed to not hear her ramblings, his eyes traveling over her with no small measure of disbelief as he blurted out his thoughts. ‘I thought you were perfection at the Winter Palace, and you were, but this – there are no words, not ones that I have at any rate. You are the most stunning creature that ever lived.’

Lea’s cheeks flamed red as she smiled shyly. Inwardly she cheered with a large dose of relief, the start of her plan already going just as she’d hoped. Perhaps he wouldn’t mind what she had in store after all.

Besides, she was watching him with just as much awe and more than a hint of appreciation. She was seeing Cullen properly for the first time, the gloom of the embassy’s foyer too dark for her to see properly just how devastatingly handsome he would look. Her memory of him in the black formal wear of the Inquisition’s Commander had not left her, the sight of the broad shoulders and powerful upper body in the tailored jacket with silver trim one she’d relived repeatedly, especially when circumstances drove them apart. Allowing her eyes to drift downwards for a second, she bit her lip as she tried her best not to be so obvious. She then stopped caring as she absorbed just how well defined his thighs were in the black leather trousers, wanting to do nothing but slide her hands over his hips to examine, in great detail, precisely how well fitted they were behind.

Shaking herself mentally, reining in her overactive imagination before she got carried away, she watched Cullen adjust the red sash around his waist self-consciously, looking somewhat embarrassed at his outburst in front of a hall full of guards. He still couldn’t take in enough of her either, his eyes continually straying to the curve of her waist and breasts, sparks igniting in her chest under the unmissable heat of his gaze.

‘It’s just you and me? Here in the museum?’ Cullen asked dazedly, still trying to take everything in as he too battled to bring his wayward thoughts under control. ‘And we get to look around with no one else to bother us?’

‘That’s right. I – everyone thought it would be a nice p-present for you. When I first saw the announcement from Gaspard I decided to call in a few favours, of which this is the result. The actual event, which I’m afraid we do have to go to, is tomorrow. But for tonight, at least, we have the place to ourselves.’

‘Everyone knew?’ Cullen gave a rueful chuckle at just how successfully he’d been kept in the dark. ‘All those reports and letters with the dates on? I need to pay more attention. This is so much more than a nice present. You are ever the master of understatement, Inquisitor.’   

‘Between our Ambassador and Spymaster we found a way,’ Lea replied, her confidence returning by the second. ‘You’re very hard to surprise, Commander. I had to get creative.’

‘As I said. The master of understatement. You bring a whole new meaning to the word creative, as this whole day has just demonstrated.’ He seemed to have recovered his poise although he continued to observe her, unreadable once more in the low lighting of the foyer. ‘A most exceptional gift from a most exceptional woman. What did I do to be so fortunate, to have persuaded you to share my life?’

The barrage of emotion hitting her from Cullen sent her senses reeling, Lea left speechless as she floundered to find words under the intensity of his regard. _I am the fortunate one_! she screamed to herself in frustration, railing that still, even after all they had spoken of and lived through, Cullen couldn’t see how much he’d improved the lives of so many people – simply by being himself.

She didn’t get the chance to gather her wits together, both of them accepting champagne from a proffered tray which materialised next to them. In her overwhelming need to calm herself Lea took far too generous a mouthful, spluttering inelegantly as the bubbles tickled the back of her throat, the fizzy drink threatening to spurt out through her nostrils. She struggled for air as her eyes watered, one hand over her mouth, the other waving her glass madly in the air, a part of her forlornly acknowledging just how far off the mark Cullen had been when he’d described her as ladylike earlier that day.

She could charm royalty and nobles without even thinking, but when it came to something as straightforward as courting the man she loved more than life, all her years of training counted for nothing. Her presence of mind vanished the moment she caught even the merest glimpse of his blonde head and hesitant smile.

_Since when did I turn into such a green, idiotic girl with fewer social graces than a nug?_

_Coughing and spitting like a dockworker. Charming. This is not the start I had anticipated….._

‘Leaena! Forgive me…..’

A sharp slap in the middle of her back had her gasping once more as her lungs cleared, blinking away the tears that had involuntarily formed. Her glass had been removed and a handkerchief pressed into her hand, Lea bending over for a second as she waited for her breathing to slow.

‘My lady, are you alright?’ She managed to nod, gratefully using the crisp white linen square Cullen handed her to clear up the liquid that had dribbled down her chin. ‘I’m so sorry – I didn’t mean to make you – I mean I –.’

‘It’s not your fault at all. I seem to be getting clumsier as I get older.’ With a feeble smile, Lea righted herself, feeling more normal once more, if somewhat embarrassed. ‘It’s as I said earlier. I’m not exactly a lady. How do you put up with me?’

‘With great ease. In fact, putting up with you is so pleasurable I am bereft when you’re away and there’s nothing left for me to put up with. There, that’s the smile I’m looking for.’ Cullen grinned at her in response, taking the scrunched up cloth and putting it in a pocket. ‘We may need that later, seeing as we’re both having such mishaps with food and drink today. To be honest, I’m glad it isn’t just me who seems unable to master the basics. I’m half convinced you did that on purpose simply to make up for my failure to eat pasties properly earlier.’

‘Ah, you discovered my strategy? I couldn’t have your birthday marred by such an incident,’ Lea retorted, grateful that her loss of decorum had at least returned them to some semblance of normal, her arm on Cullen’s as they made their way into the galleries. ‘Seeing as we are now even, shall we enjoy looking around before we dine?’

‘Yes indeed,’ Cullen agreed distractedly, already busy assessing the display cases, Lea smiling with pleasure as his boyish enthusiasm finally bubbled over. ‘Look at this! Where did they locate such an exemplary example of Glory Age Grey Warden armour! I saw pictures as a child when I studied with the Templars in my village. Not for one moment did I ever imagine – Maker save me, is that the Divine Era Chantry over there….yes it is! Humour me and examine at the engraving on that longsword hilt, Leaena – only a hundred were ever made for the elite guard formed after the death of Justinia I….’

What followed was a thoroughly enjoyable hour for Lea, taking great delight in watching Cullen become completely absorbed in the excellent exhibition the museum’s curators had prepared for Gaspard’s latest cultural venture. It was unheard of, for Cullen to be so animated. He normally restrained himself from such behaviour, the horrors of the past and the weight of being the Inquisition’s Commander combining into an all-consuming, mainly unforgiving, responsibility. To give Cullen the opportunity to unwind and forget, even for a short space of time, was as precious a gift to her as it was to him – a sight she almost never got to experience.

The high domed ceilings and light plaster walls, combined with the cream marble floor, were the ideal backdrop for the galleries as they slowly wound their way through. Candles threw their shadows against the wall, warming the spaces and providing ample light for them to appreciate the variety of artefacts on display. As she’d suspected, Cullen’s encyclopaedic knowledge far outstripped anything a guide could have provided. Vivid pictures were painted in her mind as thousands of years of history came alive, Lea left in silent admiration as she was reminded yet again just how good an orator and teacher Cullen was. She’d not said much throughout their tour, content instead to listen to his beloved warm toffee whiskey voice.

_I must find some time to study with the Avvar. He’s right – their practices are so much older than Circle magic….._

_Holy Andraste, Cullen teaching all those Templar apprentices? That must have been one of the most popular classes in the Gallows! There must have been queues round the block._

Standing in front of a replica battle shaman, Cullen’s colourful yet accurate description of the Avvar defeat by Hafter in 1.50 Divine was far more engaging than any dusty lecture she’d received in the Circle.

_He would have made his lessons so interesting, keeping them all enthralled. I bet he’d read to the little ones…..oh! and reading to our……our……wait! Stop this Lea! You have to – it’s not the right time!_

_Is there ever going to be a right moment? What exactly are you waiting for, after all? For you to die and never tell him how you truly feel?_

No matter how hard she tried, Lea’s treacherous brain had refused to stay focussed. Whispers of an alternative future she’d never dared dream of until Satinalia were now engulfing her no matter how frequently she told herself that, with Cullen’s recovery still ongoing and Corypheus at large, the future could wait till she’d dealt with the present. The previous night had been no exception. It had been easy to submerge the pang of yearning she’d had since childhood, of wondering just what might have been. No matter how close she’d managed to remain with her family, it hadn’t altered the fact she’d been abruptly severed from them – marked as different, her foolish wish to love and be loved inexorably beaten out of her over the subsequent years.

There was no room for such childish dreams in the Circle. It had been a weakness, to show her nurturing side, to reveal her innermost dreams. It would have been used against her, another weapon in the fight for survival and dominance her life eventually became. The mere suggestion of a husband, maybe even a family, was a path she’d easily ignored as a Circle mage, a subject she’d explicitly forbidden herself to ever dwell on the moment she’d met Cullen. Lea was still afraid to reveal this final part of herself, convinced that her numerous enemies would find a way to use it to hurt them both.

_It’s the last thing. My one vulnerability, concealed even from Cullen._

_They can do what they want to me. But to him…..to our children if we are ever so blessed…..fuck it all to the Veil, Lea, this is not the Circle!_

Lea was staring at him again, Cullen absorbed momentarily in an elven mural from the first Exalted March. She was convinced the longing for the one thing she’d denied herself was written plainly across her face to see, Cullen being far too astute for her to ever hide anything from him. Even now as he looked sharply across at her in reaction to the twist of pain through her heart, she smiled to hide the turmoil as they wandered out from the last gallery.

‘Was I too boring?’ he asked anxiously as she led him up a surprisingly modest set of stairs. ‘I never expected to experience such a collection! I was expecting it to be all Chantry-based but they’ve done an exceptional job in – look, there I go again.’

‘Not at all – I couldn’t have asked for a better tutor, as you well know.’ She squeezed his arm, needing to change the subject from her rocketing emotions. ‘Boring is the last word I’d ever use to describe you, Cullen. Actually, I was imagining what a good teacher you must have been in the Circle. You have a way of making a dry subject fascinating.’

‘Do I? I am sure the numerous recruits that passed through both Kinloch Hold and Kirkwall would declare the opposite.’ He chuckled, a slight look of surprise on his face as he recalled a funny memory from an otherwise dark time. ‘Several used to fall asleep on me when it got to reciting the Divine…..do you have any idea how spectacular this piece is, Leaena! Look at the craftsmanship on the gauntlets…..’

They’d reached the location for dinner, a space reserved for Gaspard’s private collection which he’d offered up as a suitable venue for a private, exclusive celebration. Lea was by now riveted on nothing else but Cullen, currently waving his hands in excitement as he expanded on an obscure theory of the evolution of forging and pressure points on plate armour, his startled expression rapidly giving way to respect as she joined in the debate with a counter point of her own.

‘How were you aware of the properties – why am I asking that?’ Cullen shot her an amused glance. ‘Actually don’t tell me. It’s something magical isn’t it. Honestly, I haven’t been too dull with my monologue have I? I should have guessed you’d be as well versed in this as I am.’

‘Far from it,’ she said vaguely, frantically trying to sort through the explosion of realisation that had hit her. ‘I have a general idea of the history, but nothing that is remotely near the depth of your knowledge.’

‘I should be thanking you! To have the chance to enjoy this collection undisturbed – this is a special gift, Leaena. Wait – there’s – Maker’s Breath!’

They’d passed through the archway into a much smaller room, richly decorated in reds and blues in stark contrast to the galleries behind them. It wasn’t the small mahogany table set for two which had caught Cullen’s attention, however. It was the rarity of exhibits that Gaspard himself had collected and put on display for a select few.

‘Aside from Gaspard and the museum staff, we are the first to view these,’ she said unsteadily, the sight of Cullen’s reverent gaze firmly fixed on her instead of the display, confusing her even more. ‘As you can see, dinner is also about to be served.’

_Is this what I want, to still live in fear?_

_For her to still win, even now?_

She had no answers, and no time to dwell on the sudden realisations coursing through her.

Swallowing hard, Lea finally glanced around her. The candles were muted, yet still with enough brightness to give sparkle to the crystal goblets and silver cutlery gleaming against the thick white linen. Stained glass windows surrounded the room, the subtle shading adding another layer of privacy to the atmosphere – the overall effect stylish yet intimate, perfect for the unique dining experience she’d had in mind. She absently rested a hand on the top of the russet silk cushion, expecting Cullen to roam round the room some more. Instead, he pulled out her chair, the gentlest of caresses in the hollow of her lower back turning her knees to water as she wobbled from the unexpected gesture, sinking ungracefully into the safety of the seat.

It was as if the splendour of their surroundings didn’t exist for Cullen. For her part, Lea only had eyes for the man now opposite, his eyes golden in the glow of the candles, the lightest pressure of his knee grazing against hers enough to thoroughly distract her from making sensible conversation. He’d pulled off his gloves to hold her hand, the light stroke of his thumb across her palm sending shivers right the way up her arm and down her spine.

‘I hope I didn’t talk too much,’ Cullen said with a self-depreciating smile. ‘I didn’t mean to get carried away whilst we were looking around. What did you think?’

‘That you are the most adorable man it’s ever been my good fortune to meet,’ Lea replied unthinkingly, her mind still processing the outcome she’d somewhat surprisingly arrived at. ‘I could have listened to you all night long. I always can. So never feel that you’re going on, Cullen. Personally, I will never tire of the sound of your voice. I learnt a great deal too, which was an added bonus.’

‘Really?’ he asked, blushing as he tried to divert her away from compliments he still found hard to accept. ‘You are the scholar in this relationship, not I.’

D _o I, for once in my life, take a chance and find out if he wants the same?_

_Ah, my love. You have been brave for the both of us all these months. If I don’t ask now, when will I?_

Her mind made up, for a fleeting second she pondered what had taken her so long to reach such an obvious conclusion, the protective walls she’d clung onto crumbling as she embraced the simple truth for the first time. She hadn’t intended it, but the whole day had been a journey of discovery, stripping bare their defences and leaving her with no other path to follow than the logical one right before her. It was proving to be a decision that was bringing her far more joy and peace than she’d ever dreamed possible.

The way to the life she’d denied herself was finally open, clear of obstacles and self-doubt. All she had to do was take a leap into the unknown.

‘I discovered exactly what I needed to,’ she said quietly as she finally found the courage she’d been lacking for so long. ‘Have you ever considered what fut- I mean, would –.’

_Well yes, it appears there is such a thing as bad timing for this kind of discussion!_

Her stumbling words were drawn to an abrupt halt as a plate appeared in front of her nose, Lea glancing down in irritation at the dish, which looked nothing like the usual Orlesian fare. Her confidence wavered once more before dissolving into nothing as she miserably picked up a fork, pushing the food aimlessly in a circle as she frantically tried to gather herself together once more.  

‘This must have pained Gaspard’s chef to produce,’ Cullen was cheerfully tucking into the starter, clearly hungry and seemingly oblivious to her lack of appetite. ‘It’s Ferelden. Simple, decent fayre. Was this another special request of yours?’

‘Actually no.’ She managed to sound normal as she picked up her fork, viciously skewering an enormous, succulent scallop that tasted like ashes, cursing inwardly at herself. ‘I just asked for food that wouldn’t leave you starving. The Emperor is a soldier like you, after all. I’m fairly sure he appreciates a full stomach.’

‘Well, it’s excellent quality. Not that I’d expect anything less. What were you going to say before we were interrupted?’

‘Oh, nothing.’ Lea waved her hand nonchalantly, deciding that making such a monumental declaration with her mouth full was not quite the look she was after. ‘Tell me more about these lessons you used to teach in the Chantry. I know what you do for the Inquisition with the recruits but – this is different isn’t it? I just assumed you’d have duties similar to a mage in that regard.’

‘Far less interesting than the instruction you give.’ It was normally Trystan or Rylen who accompanied her on the rare occasion she had time to teach Skyhold’s apprentices, Lea always secretly viewing it as a treat when Cullen insisted on joining her. ‘Military history, warfare strategy and language practice were the three things I seemed to be scheduled for most regularly. I miss it sometimes – it was in many regards one of my more straightforward tasks as I progressed up the ranks, not to mention hilarious at times. There was this one lad who struggled so badly with Orlesian pronunciation he mauled one sentence into an insult so rude, the visiting lady we’d arranged to coach them fainted right there in the classroom…..’

Her deflective questioning had benefits, she mused as they finished their starters, the mains a hearty roast beef with potatoes, vegetables and gravy, Cullen declaring the meal the best he’d ever eaten. It all tasted like sawdust to her, Lea’s mind buzzing with her newfound knowledge, finding it impossible to do anything but observe Cullen in unabashed devotion. He was discussing his past without a trace of remorse of guilt, both of them laughing as he entertained her with stories of youthful mishaps with some of his more reluctant students. That he was unaware of just how significant the whole conversation was – to be able to talk so naturally about his time at Kirkwall and not switch to his default position of shame – was in itself a victory Lea found more than worthy of celebration.

The wine and conversation flowed as they reached dessert. She had barely noticed the passage of time as she joined in to swap stories of her own past, completely missing that she too, was freely conversing about her own youth without a shred of pain. It was impossible on such a magical night to feel sadness or regret, both of them relaxed and yet still learning about each other – an education she was beginning to realise would take a lifetime.

_Not that I’m complaining._

_There is nothing I’d rather spend my life studying than my future husband, after all._

‘……he then, after setting half the First Enchanter’s desk ablaze, promptly caught his sleeve on the flames and caught fire himself. The apprentice was never in danger of course, not realising he’d cast an illusion rather than the real thing, but First Enchanter Keverne let him burn for a moment longer just to be sure the young man learnt his lesson.’ She grinned back at Cullen who was shaking his head in wry amusement at her story. ‘You know how easy it is to demonstrate illusion morphing into reality, and the need to draw the line.’

‘I do. Keverne was certainly a master in –.’ Breaking off, he looked around, both of them aware now of how late it was. ‘I am loath to bring such a wonderful evening to an end, but I don’t want you to be exhausted either.’

‘The servants must be ready for bed, if nothing else.’ She smiled with pleasure as Cullen stood immediately as she went to rise, ever the gentleman she knew he was inside and out. ‘I’m not tired though. Would you like to walk back, perhaps? I could do with some fresh air after that excellent meal, and it really isn’t far.’

If she was entirely honest, she simply didn’t want such an entertaining day to be over, keeping her fingers crossed that she might yet have the opportunity to speak what was truly in her heart.

As they made their way directly back to the entrance hall, Lea shrouded in the warmth of her cloak once more, she caught a glimpse of Cullen’s amazed expression as he took one last look around. He’d had an experience normally only made available to royalty, a hint of disbelief still apparent as he took her arm and led her into the chill of the night.

‘Are you sure you’ve got the right shoes on to walk?’ Cullen asked as they set off. ‘I – that’s almost a pity. I was looking for an excuse to pick you up and have you in my arms for part of the way home at least.’

‘You need an excuse?’ She batted her eyelashes at him, laughing as she revealed the red slippers on her feet, sturdy enough to at least make it back to the embassy. ‘How disappointing. I think, however, you’ll be able to save your strength. I fairly certain I’ll have need of it later.’

‘That had better be a promise, Leaena.’ She was left breathless from a searing kiss, Cullen pulling her hard up against him, the heat from his palm on her neck making coherent thought futile. ‘There’s one particular gift I’ve been waiting for all day. Temptress that you are, my patience is wearing increasingly thin. As you said earlier, however, I think we can do a bit better than a back alley in Val Royeaux.’

She pulled her hood down so her face was obscured, Lea then unable to do anything more than clench her fists to prevent herself from jumping on him like a veritable hoyden. Cullen nodded in approval when he saw she was securely bundled up against the cold night, only then pulling on his gloves as he looked around to identify the fastest route back.

‘Now at least no one can tell who we are.’ He glanced up briefly, the early evening mist having lifted with stars now glittering brilliantly in the night sky. ‘Can I escort you home, my lady?’

Contentedly she snuggled up next to him as they started to walk through the deserted streets, the frosty air helping clear the slight fog of wine from her thoughts. They didn’t talk for a few minutes, the comfortable silence between them allowing her a moment to reflect on the life-changing revelations that had shaken her foundations.

_I want to get married. I want Cullen to be my husband. I really do._

_My lover, my best friend, my protector, till death do us part….._

Husband was a word Lea had struck from her vocabulary decades ago, now flitting through her mind at a speed she couldn’t keep up with. The endless possibilities that had opened up before her once she cast aside her fears had left her giddy with exhilaration. All that was left for her to do was to find out, the afternoon’s disclosures and the success of her plans this evening making her unusually bold.

She refused to dwell on the negatives nor the anguish that it would be used to destroy her somehow. If she allowed the clawing terror of Corypheus and Vivienne to take its grip then she’d be the loser, every single time – just as they wanted. It was a satisfaction Lea refused to give them, defiant in the face of their control over her life. She ignored the mocking laugher reverberating harshly round her brain, slamming the ironclad door they lived behind in her mind firmly shut.

_It ends now. I am your slave no longer._

_Neither of you can ever understand, what it is to be selfless and give yourself wholly to another. That is your vulnerability, and how I will defeat you._

That ultimate battle was in the distance – perhaps sooner than she realised, but Lea no longer cared. Right now, it was just her, the man she had been waiting her whole life for, with no one to disturb them on this glorious starry night. She’d been thwarted earlier, but she could still speak – and she would, on that she was resolute.

It had to come from her. Cullen was far too wary to make the first move – if he’d even considered the idea at all. Lea’s heartbreak over the distance still between them was yet another deciding factor. She had to say something, her natural impatience rushing to the fore, desperate now she’d realised with such blinding clarity where her future lay.

‘You’re thoughtful this evening. What’s on your mind?’

Cullen’s depth of perception, even without the aid of their connection, never failed to astound her. Casting a sidelong glance at his face, the moon highlighting the perfection of his side profile, she allowed herself the luxury of admiring his nose, idly wondering how hard he’d blush when she told him how cute the slight snub of the tip was.

‘Leaena, I’m not going to be distracted by any comments on my appearance,’ he teased as he hit the nail on the head, guiding her away from a puddle on the pavement as they arrived back at the Inquisition embassy. ‘You want to tell me something and you have no idea how to go about doing so. I recognise that look _.’_

_You’re just going to start such a conversation now? Right here on the front porch?_

‘What look? I have no idea what you mean,’ she quipped as her mind raced, confused at yet another change of direction. ‘I’m not ready to go upstairs yet. Can we walk round the gardens for a bit?’

‘Of course we can.’

Cullen’s prompt reply before lapsing into silence made Lea curious as to just what was running through his mind. All she could sense was certainty and resolve. He’d made his mind up about something earlier that day – what remained a mystery. The majority of him was elated, whilst the remainder was……

_Uncertain. Not of his feelings, but mine._

She floundered once more as she considered just how to say what needed to be said, sliding into her own thoughts as they strolled round to the back of the mansion. The crunch of the gravel beneath her shoes was a welcome distraction, her fingers entwined round his as they started to walk the paths of the formal gardens. She didn’t see the dark shadows of the trees, their branches bare in the mid-winter frost. Lea could barely see anything at all as she sought the vestiges of courage that had fled since they’d left the security of the museum.

As they turned the corner, the view became less manicured and more utilitarian, Lea realising they’d ambled into the substantial kitchen garden, her eyes fixed on a bonfire just next to a set of holly bushes.

‘I think it may be the servants winding down after a long day. Josephine mentioned they like to gather away from their work surroundings.’ Cullen’s reassuring voice calmed her once more. ‘If that’s a lute I see that young man tuning, then I expect the singing will start soon. Do you want to join them?’

‘Oh! I don’t want to intrude….they’ll just see the Inquisitor and I’ll have ruined their night…..’

Lea’s voice trailed off at the sight of the elven servants gathered together. She and Cullen didn’t approach any further, not wanting to give their presence away. The scene transported her back to a different time and place – a time before mages and Templars had started to tear each other apart.

It was a tableau so reminiscent of the one she used to sneak off to with her friend, Lea needing no excuse to escape the confines of the Circle for even just a few blessed hours. She was startled to notice how many Dalish were amongst the city elves, an almost unheard of sight. There was no time for her to ponder the significance, Lea too wrapped up in a different world entirely. Her ears strained to listen to the lilting language, forlornness overwhelming her at the reminder of a happier, carefree period in her life.

There had been enough barriers to joining in with such simple pleasures when she’d been in Ostwick. Now, with fires of green coursing through her veins, the uneasy truce with the blue of her magic always close to breaking, it was nigh on impossible. She was no longer that Lea. As she glanced down at the muted lights in her left hand, it was hard to remember who she even was any more – the flame of hope she’d glimpsed in her future at war with the blunt reminder of just what they still had to overcome.

‘Don’t be sad, my lady.’ Cullen led her away from the merriment behind them so they wouldn’t put a dampener on the servants’ evening. ‘What just happened?’

‘It took me back that’s all,’ Lea sighed, chiding herself for such self-pity. ‘Did I ever tell you about the times I escaped my quarters as an apprentice, joining the servants to sing and swap stories?’

‘No, but I’m not surprised.’ Cullen’s slight smile as he looked across at her was enough to lift her mood once more. ‘I can just see it – you, a bag of toffee and a nondescript outfit smothering your body, scurrying down to the kitchen and out the back door.’

‘You’ve never been to Ostwick Circle and yet you know that particular tale so well.’

‘You and a thousand other apprentices all heading to a midnight assignation – something I witnessed time and time again. Mostly it was harmless and I found it easier to let go of my zealous obsessions as the years rolled by. Who was I, to stand in the way of supposed true love?’ He laughed, the memories of his own past resurfacing – again, in a more positive light just as before. ‘You weren’t the first and you certainly won’t ever be the last, albeit that the nature of the Circles has changed dramatically these days. I also can’t imagine anyone else carrying the amount of sweets you probably did either.’

‘Hey,’ she muttered with a quick grin, ‘it was my only entry into their group. I’m not above bribery to get me where I want to be, and that toffee was the best.’

‘Of course it was,’ Cullen responded blandly, the mischievous glint in his eye telling Lea just how entertained he was to hear of her misadventures. ‘The male elves weren’t at all interested in a beautiful, talented mage. Or some of the females, for that matter. It was all about the sugar.’

‘If you must know, the main instigator was Mairead,’ she said huffily as she ignored his jibe, the warmth of the kitchen fires hitting her as they started to make their way back upstairs. ‘My friend – the one who I learned Elvish from – she simply refused to be confined to our dormitory. She’d been raised to be a clan First, was captured and never got used to solid walls or a roof over her head. I’ve never known anyone volunteer as much for patrol as she did.’

‘From the sound of things, you two had plenty of adventures together.’ Cullen lowered his voice once more, both of them loath to disturb their friends fast asleep as they climbed the sweeping staircase up to her quarters.

‘You know full well we were regularly in trouble. But somehow we always scraped through. Being two of the Circle’s most gifted magic users helped, along with a hefty dose of charm. Mairead was so beautiful, huge eyes the shade of honey and masses of curls, with the temperament of a firebrand to match her specialisation. It wasn’t me the elven servants were eyeing up every time we managed to break out.’

It was with a hint of regret that she pushed open the door to her chambers and let her cloak fall to the floor, the logs in the grate crackling quietly as the yellow flames threw out their heat. Lea didn’t want the night to be over, moving to the closed balcony doors and staring sightlessly into nothing. The simple pleasures of discovering more about each other throughout the day, combined with the bittersweet, poignant memories of the past – and the wonder of the future she’d discovered she needed – had spun a magic far more potent than any she she’d ever been able to create.

Warm hands fell onto her shoulders, Lea momentarily forgetting all her resolutions as Cullen’s fingers slid across the nape of her neck, pushing her curls over one shoulder. His lingering touch was replaced by the searing heat from his lips trailing delicate kisses along the column of her neck, Lea only vaguely aware of the rapid rise and fall of her chest as his deft fingers started to free her hair from its pins.

‘Their loss will forever be my gain,’ he murmured, taking his time to unwind the strands as his fingers lightly massaged her scalp. ‘You’ve never mentioned this friend of yours in so much detail before. Where is she now?’

‘I don’t know,’ Lea whispered, a catch in her voice as she tried to suppress the unwelcome pang of guilt warring with the shivers of desire drifting over her heightened senses. ‘We passed our Harrowings soon after each other. Then a few months later, off I went to Montsimmard, and all the drama that awaited me there. When I returned home, Mairead – Mairead had gone. She’d only just turned twenty. The life she’d never been destined to lead in the Circle had finally called to her. I never knew where she went – presumably back to her clan who somehow helped her evade the Templars. I wasn’t overly shocked – I always knew she’d leave one day. I just – I’d hoped to have the chance to say goodbye. She was my only friend, aside from Trystan. I’d started the whole process of growing up after Vivienne’s machinations, but that was the final nail in the coffin of my childhood. I was truly on my own from that point on, my brother the rock I clung to as I systematically shut everyone else out over the years. It was the only way to be sure I never felt such hurt again, I suppose. Yet I miss her still, even after all these years.’

Cullen said nothing, Lea feeling chilled as he moved in front of her, opening the doors to the balcony. He gazed out over the still of the gardens towards the flickering fire in the distance, before turning to her with a questioning look.

‘Did Solas ever teach you that amplifying spell?’

‘He did. Why?’ Lea asked, puzzled at the abrupt change.

‘Cast it for me, in the direction of where our hardworking servants are enjoying some much needed respite. You won’t be disappointed.’

Lea frowned slightly as she started to weave the spell. It was such a simple combination of elemental magic she was ashamed that she’d never figured it out herself before her friend had shown her the basics. In seconds she had the components spun together, a slight flourish the only sign she’d released her magic as her arm fell back to one side.

_There’s nothing there. Why did he…._

_Oh, dear Maker. How do you know me so well, Cullen?_

‘I know exactly why you’ve gone to the lengths you have today, Leaena, and yet again you humble me with your thoughtfulness. I have never had a more amazing day. You must know, though, my heart was always yours, even after that traumatic evening at the Winter Palace. There is nothing you did that night which made me doubt your love for me. If anything, it merely proved to me just how much you would sacrifice, just to see me live. With each day that passed during that dark period of madness I fell more and more in love with you than ever before.’

Lea was frozen to the spot, the words that earlier had been waiting to tumble from her lips now gone as a flood of emotion enveloped them both. At the same time, she heard the notes of a lute playing a hauntingly lovely Dalish ballad she recognised, accompanied seconds later by a voice so sweet and pure Lea was half-convinced she was back in Ostwick.

‘You indulged my request that night only because you thought it would be our last – a fleeting moment of happiness in amongst the nightmare that would follow. As with anything remotely related to you, it left me wanting so much more.’ Cullen gave a tentative smile before bowing, extending his hand towards her. ‘May I have this dance, my lady?’

‘It would be my pleasure.’

Lea didn’t recognise that husky, breathy voice, the moonlight now bathing the balcony to accompany to the notes of music. Cullen’s features were accentuated in the mix of light and shadow, the stark black of his uniform showing off every inch of his powerful frame.

_How do you look so handsome all the time!_

_And here’s me, resembling what? A scarecrow?_

As if he could read her mind he stood upright, clasping her fingers lightly in his hand, the other gathering the waves of loose hair tumbling over her shoulders and arranging them down her back. Chantry bells tolled midnight as they wordlessly started to revolve around the balcony. Her lips were moving to the words of the song, Cullen knowing just how to remove the sting of the betrayal she’d felt all those years ago by inserting a far more meaningful memory in its place. Their bodies were the correct distance apart, swaying in rhythm to the bars of music softly echoing across the marble, yet the energy between them was unmissable, Lea unable to do much but focus on her feet and legs, so moved she was by Cullen’s gesture.

‘I think you’ve had more than the odd Templar ball and lessons with Josephine.’ Lea laughed lightly to break the amorphous feeling of anticipation she wasn’t at all sure she wanted to end. ‘You’re an exceptional dancer.’

‘I have an exceptional partner. I discovered that’s all it takes. Now and forever.’

Lea knew he wasn’t referring to his dancing, even as the music bought them to a halt, Cullen holding both her hands tightly, poised to speak once more. Her already erratic heartbeat started to skitter all through her chest, with no rhyme or reason as to why – except that unmentionable question blazing in the heat of his gaze.  

‘Oh!’ she exclaimed, inexplicable nerves overtaking her as the strains of one of her favourite tunes started up. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt, it’s this – .‘

‘You know it?’ As if nothing had happened, Cullen slipped his hands round her waist as Lea wound her arms round his neck, neither of them content with the distance of centimetres the more formal dance demanded. ‘I am only aware of a few Elven songs, although I’ve always thought they compare in beauty to the finest orchestra.’

‘Melava inan enansal  
ir su araval tu elvaral  
u na emma abelas  
in elgar sa vir mana  
in tu setheneran din emma na.’

She felt a shudder of awareness jolt Cullen as she sang the words to an ancient Dalish lullaby, profoundly grateful that the elven woman had decided not to join in. It was just her voice and the tune of the lute, Lea melting into Cullen’s embrace the closer he held her with every note. Short but highly emotive, she continued on with the pretty tune, savouring every second of their dance as she rested her cheek against his shoulder.

‘lath sulevin  
lath araval ena  
arla ven tu vir mahvir  
melana ‘nehn  
enasal ir sa lethalin.’

‘Appropriate lyrics, strangely enough,’ she said haltingly, the song continuing in the background even as the remainder of her world faded to nothing but the man in whose arms she safely, peacefully rested.

‘You’ll have to translate for me. I only recognised a few words.’

Lea sensed that Cullen wasn’t being entirely truthful, not that it mattered either way. She was so intently focussed on him to the exclusion of anything else, both of them wrapped in a cocoon of love, desire, trust – elements so fundamental to their survival Lea felt the vibrations through every fibre of her being. It was a living beat pulsing between them, the blur of cobalt and sapphire in her soul forged together perfectly, flowing as one.

_Just as they are meant to be._

_Bonded together, forever. Like Cullen and me._

‘Suledin – endure, and then emerging from sorrow.’ There was something significant she was missing, but Lea continued, too caught up in a tidal wave of emotion to figure it out. ‘Be certain in need, and the path will emerge to tomorrow’s home. Time will again be the joy it once was.’

‘That was the second verse,’ Cullen pointed out softly. ‘In tu setheneran din emma na – do not dwell in lands no longer yours. That’s the ending to the first.’

Now was not the time for Lea to enquire just how Cullen had the ability to provide such an accurate translation. Not when he released her and held only her hands in a light grip, stepping back slightly as he continued to watch her with an intensity that had now rendered breathing an exercise in futility.

_Why is he going down on the floor? Did he drop something?_

_More to the point, why am I shaking so much! I can’t….I don’t understand…._

Lea had never felt her brain become so useless so quickly as she watched Cullen lower himself to one knee, struggling for air she hadn’t realised she needed. She knew she must look ridiculous with her mouth agape as she shivered uncontrollably, clutching hold of him as if he were her only lifeline to reality – which truthfully, he was.  

‘We have both been ensnared by the chains of yesterday, me especially. Yet I’ve discovered my path home. It’s with you. It has only ever been you. My lover, my best friend, my soulmate – the one person I know I’ll find the joy of tomorrow with.’

‘It’s a journey of a lifetime I hope will begin soon – and, with the Maker’s blessing, with my wife walking right by my side. She’s a woman who has stood as my protector and staunchest supporter, a woman who has gone through the depths of hell and back just to ensure my survival. Most importantly, she makes me laugh and she makes me feel human, even with my multitude of imperfections. She makes me the man I’m meant to be. There are no words that will ever convey how much I love her, only deeds. I intend to show her, every hour of every day for the rest of our lives, beginning right now.’

Through the haze of her stunned inertia she realised she wasn’t the only one trembling. Cullen’s hands were as shaky as her own, Lea wanting to do nothing more but kiss the uncertainty and vulnerability away that now lay exposed in every line of his beloved face. Rapturous exhilaration was flooding through her veins so rapidly she was struggling to remain upright, all while sheer disbelief rendered her unable to utter even a single syllable.

‘Will you marry me, Leaena?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suledin (Endure) 
> 
> Melava inan enansal  
> ir su araval tu elvaral  
> u na emma abelas  
> in elgar sa vir mana  
> in tu setheneran din emma na
> 
> lath sulevin  
> lath araval ena  
> arla ven tu vir mahvir  
> melana ‘nehn  
> enasal ir sa lethalin
> 
> Time was once a blessing  
> but long journeys are made longer  
> when alone within.  
> Take spirit from the long ago  
> but do not dwell in lands no longer yours.
> 
> Be certain in need,  
> and the path will emerge  
> to a home tomorrow  
> and time will again  
> be the joy it once was
> 
> Sorry this has taken a while to publish. I've started a new job and it's taking a while to arrange my writing schedule. Things have settled down now and I should be able to update more frequently.


	107. A Light Eternal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW.

_Maker’s Breath, did I really just do that? Me?_

_Those words, did they just make it out of my mouth without me sounding like a complete idiot?_

Questions rocketed through Cullen’s head, all while his heart was beating at such a rate he was half convinced he’d see it leap out of his chest. Not that he really noticed. He was fixated only on her, the riot of white-blonde hair framing an expression so astonished he could barely breathe.

He wasn’t sure how he’d ended up with one knee bent, clutching hold of Leaena’s hands so hard he was trying not to injure her fingers, all while his left shin pressed uncomfortably into the cold marble of the balcony floor. He didn’t notice the freezing air or the snowflakes that glittered in the fading light of the moon, clouds now shrouding the midnight sky.

All he knew was that he’d never done anything that had felt so very right in his entire life.

The choice on their future had to be hers – on that point Cullen had always been decided upon. What hadn’t occurred to him till tonight, however, was just how she might wish to reach such a momentous decision. Cullen would never have considered himself to be the most romantic of men, but after all she’d sacrificed for him, there had been only one logical step to take.

Asking Leaena to marry him was the most important question he would ever utter in his life. It was the one thing that left him on his knees before her with his heartfelt declaration, his soul and his fears lain bare, offering the simple man he was to this ethereal goddess who would forever be his superior in every way. If he was brutally honest with himself, he was terrified she would reject him, cast him to one side for another who would suit her better, and be her equal in a way he could never match up to.

_Why isn’t she answering! Please, say something – anything!_

_Please don’t say no….._

Just as Cullen was considering begging for her to stay, unsure what he’d do aside from drink himself into a stupor if she refused, Leaena sank gracefully down, the red velvet of her skirts pooling around them both. She was at least at the same level as him now for which he found himself absurdly grateful, her eyes huge as they regarded him incredulously.

She was staring at him as if seeing him for the first time, looking beyond the mask he habitually wore to shut everyone else out. At the bashful touch of her palm cupping his cheek, he helplessly stared back at her in wonder. Cullen was suddenly aware he was shaking just as badly as she was, yet hesitant to speak or move to comfort her until he had his answer.

His lips were actually aching for her touch as she kissed him, the taste of salt taking his already befuddled senses by surprise as he inhaled the delicate hint of orange blossom he always associated with Leaena. He didn’t even notice the tears rolling down their faces as his arms wrapped around her waist, crushing her to his chest in a desperate attempt to have her as close to him as possible, her fingers now tangling in the thick curls of his hair. Their heady, breathless kiss was his sole focus, his tongue returning time and time again to her mouth in a vain attempt to slake an insatiable need that would never be satisfied.

‘Yes. Please. Yes.’ Leaena gasped out the words he’d been frantically waiting to hear. ‘I love you, oh Maker, I love you so very much, Cullen……’

Exultant, primeval triumph shook him, leaving Cullen able to do nothing more than kiss her once more – a fortunate course of action given he came close to collapse from the utter, blessed relief that coursed through him a spilt second later. He was left speechless again for the second time that night, disbelieving that this extraordinary creature had consented to become his partner in every sense that counted.

‘You’ve made me the happiest man who has ever walked the face of this earth.’ His voice was gravelly, Cullen only just getting the words out past the enormous lump in his throat. ‘I mean, you always make me happy but right now I don’t think I’ve ever felt so good. You’re going to be my wife. How amazing that sounds.’

‘And you’re going to be my husband.’ Light fingers smoothed away the wetness on his cheeks, Leaena’s brilliant smile leaving him momentarily mute in adoration. ‘Cullen Rutherford, my husband. I find that word takes no getting used to whatsoever – it fits you perfectly already.’ 

This time when his lips met hers, the kiss was gentle, loving and tender, the initial wave of euphoria giving way to utter bliss, combined with a sense of unreality that such an event had even taken place. He had no idea how long their bodies were entwined together in the darkness of night, his hands tangled in her hair, resting against the back of her head as her fingers snuck underneath his collar to caress his back, Leaena shivering with pleasure as he laid a line of kisses along her jaw to her ear.

‘I love you, Leaena,’ he whispered, now pressing his lips gently to every inch of her face, his turn to cup her face in his palms. ‘I love you so very much. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life showing my future wife, every day, just what you mean to me.’

Hearing the strains of music still in the distance, Cullen made a quick decision. Gathering her in his arms and standing in one fluid movement, he chuckled at her squeal of surprise. Leaena’s arms shot around his neck, fitting perfectly against him just as she had the moment he’d rescued her from the chaos and mayhem at the Temple of Sacred Ashes.

‘I thought you might like to enjoy the impromptu concert some more.’ He settled her down on his lap as the lilting melody from the Elven music drifted across the light night breeze. ‘And, Winter mage or not, I don’t want you shivering on a cold stone floor. Consider this the start of my husbandly duties, keeping you safe and warm.’

‘Duties you’ve been performing the moment we met, thank the Maker. Where would I be without you? Perhaps that should have told me something sooner.’ Leaena started to snuggle into his chest before looking at him questioningly, a slight tint of red beginning to bloom across her cheeks. ‘There’s a rather different reason I was shivering – and I’m not the only one. If you’re cold, do you want me to –?‘

Cullen had just raised his hand to rub his neck distractedly, it slowly dawning on him he was still trembling as much as Leaena was.

‘It’s not the cold,’ he replied softly, drawing her towards him even tighter. ‘I never thought this would ever happen – I never dreamed – but yes, I don’t mind if you would like to sit outside for a while longer.’

The slightest wrinkle of her nose and brow lasted only a moment as Leaena cast the warming spell, Cullen barely noticing a thing as he returned to rhythmically stroke her hair, a smile pulling at his lips as he remembered the first time she’d offered. Looking back, he wasn’t sure he’d ever been more grateful to have accepted magic being cast anywhere, especially on him.

‘What are you thinking?’ Leaena asked as Cullen sat them both back against the bench, sighing as he felt the warmth of her breath on his skin. ‘I’m curious to know just what you remembered.’

‘A night by a lake. The first time you used your magic on me.’ He chuckled as he caught the flare of mirth and latent awareness that had been present all day spark in her eyes. ‘And yes, that evening swim. I thought I was the luckiest man in the world back then. You have made every single one of my dreams come true.’

‘And you mine. I sound so inadequate – I don’t have words right now, Cullen.’ Her shy smile as she looked up at him made his heart constrict. ‘You are not the only one who has had all their dreams come true, ser knight. I am so excited and I also have no idea what to do or how to behave or –.’

‘You don’t have to do anything, my lady, but be yourself.’ Cullen pressed a gentle kiss to her upturned lips, rosy pink in the warmth that enveloped them both. ‘Let me hold you for a while whilst you enjoy the music. These are songs I am sure you’ll recognise.’

He couldn’t have hit on a better way for them both to calm down from the dizzying tumult of emotions that still raged between them. Leaena curled up on his lap, both of them listening to the pretty melody being played below, letting blissful peace claim them once more. Cullen buried his nose in her curls, closing his eyes as the hint of ginger he always associated with her, taking his time to absorb the luxurious feel of her weight against his chest.

Half of him was still convinced he had to be in an alternate reality, convinced he’d wake up in a moment and be back in his bare, functional quarters. They were reminiscent of what his life had been before this beautiful, talented mage had sauntered in uninvited, her teasing laugh and the challenge in her eyes daring him to be so much more.

_She always knew that I was hiding myself away. From the start._

_That’s what the Fade was trying to show me. Why did it take me so long to ask her!_

It hadn’t been Cullen’s intention to blurt out his most innermost longing, the one he’d been holding close for so many months. He’d wanted to wait until she’d had a chance to discover who he truly was, to allow her to make the decision on their future once Leaena was fully aware of his past. She needed to know, so she could properly consider what she wanted once the madness of the Inquisition was over. 

At least that had been his idea, his only way of controlling the increasingly poisoned whispers telling him he was barely worth her time of day. His confidence seeped away daily, all while his yearning for Leaena and all she represented to him increased.

Cullen had stood, stunned into immobility in the foyer of the museum as she’d shrugged off her cloak, revealing a hidden side to her icy perfection he’d never seen. Standing in its place were all his desires in one exquisite package – a woman with the intelligence, warmth and empathy to match just how very lovely she was. Who she was appealed to him than the very obvious physical sensuality that Leaena exuded effortlessly. She would always be beautiful to him no matter what. He’d been gawping in his disbelieving appreciation before he noticed how much she was shaking, alternating between desperate hope that he’d like her final surprise and numbing panic that he’d hate it.

Cullen had never felt more humbled at the lengths she would go to, with the sole intention to shoulder his burdens, her only motivation to make him feel good. It was something she’d been doing the moment they’d met, connecting with the battle raging inside his mind at the most fundamental level, utilising every method at her disposal to show him that he mattered – that he was very much wanted. Loved. 

It was at that point he’d had the revelation, one that hit him squarely in the middle of his chest and rendered him speechless in the hall, barely able to think of anything else but making Leaena his wife as fast as he possibly could.

_Thinking of which….._

‘You did just say yes to becoming my wife didn’t you?’ His shaking had finally stopped but Cullen couldn’t prevent thickening in his voice as his throat closed up once more. ‘I just wanted to check.’

‘I did say yes, so you can’t take it back now.’ Leaena laughed lightly, teasing the stubble that had already appeared on his jaw, an unconscious gesture he’d never get bored of. ‘I never thought about what to do if I ever got married. I wasn’t one of those girls who spent years deciding what dress they’d wear.’

There was no missing the slight hitch in Leaena’s voice, the twinge of wistfulness for a part of her youth that had been denied her. She smiled then, shaking her head at him slightly as her eyes glowed with understanding and a love so powerful he was left momentarily stunned.

‘Don’t feel sad for me, Cullen. I would trade all of it to marry you in rags if I have to. A wedding is not about the dress or the size of party.’ She settled against his chest once more with a slow exhale. ‘Funnily enough Cassandra and I were talking of this only the other day. Both of us were set on not having some horrendous state wedding. Can you imagine?’

‘I really, honestly don’t want to. Do I need to tell you how unappealing the idea of standing in front of a cathedral-full of nobles is, listening to three hours of preaching before being able to eat nothing at a banquet because it’s made out of deep mushrooms or some other Maker-forsaken cuisine du jour, or whatever Orlais has decided to pretend is food? The worst thing is I won’t get to see you all day. My beautiful bride whisked off in dance after dance with other gentlemen who are all wishing me dead, because I had the audacity to persuade one of the most powerful and desirable women in the world to marry a plain soldier.’

It hadn’t occurred to Cullen just how he and Leaena would get married if he persuaded her. All that had mattered had been to ask. Hopefully she would feel the same way he did and the wedding would involve minimal fuss. Although, the snaking chill in the pit of his stomach also told him that his impromptu proposal might have also been far off the mark.

‘I did have a plan,’ he finished abjectly, remembering the diamonds and sapphires he’d wanted Josephine to help him buy, his heart sinking as he thought through his lack of effort. ‘I had a ring in mind, and there wasn’t – I mean, if you want a big wedding then of course –.’

‘Cullen. Do you think any of that rubbish is important to me?’

Leaena’s finger pressing against his lips knocked Cullen out of the momentary anxiety that had claimed him, so badly wanting to get this one moment right for her. Her gentle smile and the flood of happiness through the cobalt blue in his soul told him all he needed to know, a hesitant smile of his own appearing in response.

Just as he was about to reply, the moonlight disappeared and the music stopped, a fat snowflake landing squarely on the tip of Leaena’s nose as the temperature abruptly plummeted.

‘I would say that is our cue to head inside.’

He cast an eye upwards as he gathered her up in his arms.  The biting wind had already sent snow eddies swirling round them both as they hastily made it into her chambers, Cullen kissing away each giggle from Leaena as they dodged the blizzard that unexpectedly arrived.

Kicking the door closed with one booted food, he reluctantly set her on her feet, suddenly aware of the subtle shift in her mood as Leaena regarded him. She said nothing, her face in shadows as the fire crackled in the hearth behind them, now the only source of light in an otherwise darkened universe. Snow was already beginning to pile up against the windowpanes as the storm set in, blanketing them further from the outside world. They were enveloped in a universe of heightened privacy and intimacy they'd been craving since the start of the day, expectation building in his abdomen as the atmosphere became increasingly charged between them both.

The heat from her spell couldn’t be the only explanation for the searing fire now pulsing through his blood. Cullen’s whole body was vibrating as he watched her slowly walk towards the fire, the sway of velvet over her lush hips and pert ass holding all of his attention – just as she knew it would. Biting her lip as she beckoned him over with one finger, Cullen took his time strolling over. He was riveted on her skin glowing in the dim orange glow from the flames, her long hair tumbling over her shoulders and breasts. She was the embodiment of his every fantasy come alive, her suggestive smile a siren call he would never ignore.

Gesturing for him to sit, he sank down into an expanse of green velvet almost identical to his own favourite chair in Skyhold. Expecting her to come and sit back on his lap, he looked down in surprise as she instead knelt, the stirrings of his own arousal unmissable as the embers of anticipation began to smoulder deep in her eyes. 

‘Here, let me take these off. I think I can manage.’ Leaena started undo some buckles around his calves, Cullen stealthily admiring the expanse of cleavage that was on display as she bent forward to pull off his boots. ‘Consider this part of my wifely duties, helping my husband take his boots off….Maker, those are two of the best words I’ve ever discovered in my vocabulary. Husband and wife. Get used to me saying it an awful lot.’

‘My wife. I’m not convinced the novelty of that particular expression will ever wear off…..this hardly seems fair, Leaena.’

Cullen found his hands pleasingly full of his future wife who’d unexpectedly sat astride his thighs, the undercurrent of sensuality that had flowed between them all day now blazing as she took her time undoing firstly his jacket and then the shirt underneath. Her eyes were dark with desire as he pulled both off, a pink flush blooming across her chest and up her neck as Cullen slid his hands down her hips. Finding his way under the volume of skirts, he tried to remember to breathe as he encountered lace topped stockings against the delicate skin of her thighs.

‘I’m merely enjoying my view, starting as I mean to go on. How can you blame me? My husband is quite the most handsome man in Thedas.’ She ran her approving gaze over him, every muscle in his chest rippling in response to the languid nail ghosting across each taut line. ‘There’s nothing unfair about this, I can assure you.’   

‘I think there is.’ It was his turn to smile, watching her sharp intake of breath as his thumbs stroked the fullness of each breast outlined against the tight material, his erection pulsing against his breeches in automatic response. ‘Although it might be easier for me to demonstrate.’

‘Oh you will have your chance, I promise,’ she murmured, the thumb his tongue was teasing as she stroked his lip sending shocks through his chest. ‘I didn’t just imagine the last hour did I? We are truly getting married?’

‘As soon as we can arrange it, if you like.’ Tomorrow, if Cullen could have his way. ‘Just say the word, my lady, and we’ll be at that altar.’

‘The Inquisitor and her Commander, eloping in the middle of a war.’ The shocks increased fourfold as the heat of her breath drifted across his ear, his fingers quickly undoing the tiny buttons down the back of her dress. ‘Why, whatever will people say?’

‘Do you think I care?’ Cullen couldn’t give a damn about anything else except Leaena, especially not when he was nearly victorious in freeing her lithe body from the confines of the material. ‘Let them talk. I have this stunning woman right here on my lap, who I have every intention of making love to right now – and who has just agreed to marry me for reasons I can’t fathom.’

‘I can think of many reasons to marry you. The list is so long I’ll be in my dotage before it runs out.’ She allowed him to push the shoulders of her dress down, his breath stopping as the full plumpness of her breasts threatened to overspill from the black basque they were contained in. ‘I believe, however, it’s easier for me to just show you. I love you, Cullen.’

‘I love you too, more than you will ever know.’ He just managed to speak as he kissed the warm flesh as Leaena leaned forward, her gasp of pleasure as his teeth scraped lightly across the nipples, hard underneath the silk. ‘Maker save me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to be worthy of you.’

‘You already are.’ Leaena knew just where to put the lightest of pressure on his groin, a slow smile on her face as she watched him groan, his head falling back in mindless pleasure against the back of the chair. ‘Ready for more?’

‘More?’

Cullen knew he sounded stupid, but it was hard not to, Leaena’s gyrating against his cock driving any rational thought from his brain. With a low noise of protest at the sudden absence of pressure, he watched, his mouth dry as she gracefully stood, stepping out of the red gown. Long, toned legs slipped between his, Cullen staring hazily at the slender hands belonging to his seductive vixen, clad in an outfit designed to seduce him, busy freeing his cock from his breeches.

‘I am pleased to see you approve.’ Leaena’s voice was husky with her own arousal and feminine satisfaction, the lingerie he’d chosen earlier that day obviously having the desired effect. ‘I live to please you.’

Cullen said nothing, Leaena holding him completely spellbound, unable to move from his current position as she started to lightly stroke his shaft. His breathing was uneven as his body tightened in response, every nerve ending prickling with energy. His hands involuntarily went to explore the plump ass pushing against his thighs, his own satisfaction mounting as he felt her tremble underneath fingers which had found their way under the black silk pants, slowly teasing the ivory skin beneath.

‘I - you do. You know you do. All day I have been imagining seeing you like this,’ he ground out as her thumb swept the top of the sensitive head in firm circular motions. ‘Shit, Leaena, do you have any idea how good that feels….’

She had to steady herself on the arms of the chair as she tried to remain upright, a low moan of frustration turning to pure pleasure as his thumbs then found her clit.  

‘Cullen,’ she said unsteadily as her pelvis bucked against the pressure of his hand, ‘I – this is….oh fuck….’

The sensation of wetness through the silken fabric was nearly Cullen’s undoing as his thumb continued to tease the increasingly swollen nub. Suddenly it did become his undoing as she moved his hand away, the friction from the drenched cloth up against the firmness of his cock causing him to groan loudly, his pelvis rising up to meet hers. His whole body shuddered as his mouth found her breasts once more, Leaena’s breath hot against his ear, her incoherent noises of unadulterated desire mingling with his own.

‘This is not enough.’ Cullen caught Leaena in his arms as he rose, kissing her hard as she entwined her legs around his waist, feverishly kissing him back. ‘I need so much more. Maker, I need all of you so much….’

It was an unsteady walk across to the bed, Cullen fighting for every last vestige of control as his arms were filled with warm, soft and willing Leaena, whispering his name in between nibbling on his earlobe, right at a spot that had him stumble from its potent force. Eventually, after another heated embrace, the feel of the damp of her pants from Leaena’s deliberate grinding against his stomach drove him over the edge.

He laid her on the bed, kneeling back against the covers to admire her sensual beauty as she lay sprawled against the pillows. Her hair was in disarray over her shoulders, her legs spread invitingly as she looked back up at him with a smile that had him momentarily rooted to the spot.

‘There’s no hurry is there, Cullen?’ One finger slipped in her mouth as she raised a knee, Cullen nearly choking as he saw just how wet the scraps of silk and lace between her legs were. ‘Don’t you want to get undressed?’

‘If my lady demands it.’ As if he could ever deny her anything, something he was fairly certain Leaena well knew.  

_Oh, sweet Maker…._

Cullen had been left with no other option but to take his painfully hard cock in his palm as he kneeled in front of her, desperate to find some semblance of relief from the unbelievably erotic sight he was staring at in unbridled lust. Leaena’s legs were apart, her eyes devouring him as two of her fingers were slowly sliding across her clit, the black silk pushed to one side. A lazy smile was on her face as she stared hungrily at his erection, Cullen’s knees almost bucking at the sheen of wetness smeared across the tops of her thighs.

Her smile widened as she parted her inner lips briefly, Cullen groaning audibly as he caught sight of the gleaming pink folds. His thumb had already rubbed in the precome as his fist made deliberate strokes up and down the shaft, forcibly holding himself back from sliding the head of his cock into the heat and warmth of her entrance. His already rampaging arousal increased as Leaena tormented him further, the sound of just how wet she was making his whole body tense in response.

‘I wanted to admire you, just a little.’ Her throaty laugh made no secret of how much she was enjoying her view. ‘You are glorious, Cullen. I fantasise about this – about watching you make yourself come.’

‘You do?’ He couldn’t help his hint of surprise, knowing how much it would have cost her to make such an admission. ‘I fantasise about watching you too – but I think you know that.’

‘I guessed.’ Her lips twitched in a grin, a mischievous glint in her eyes. ‘I’m curious. How often do you – alleviate the tension?’

‘When you’re away?’ Cullen felt his face redden at the frequency he’d found himself in his quarters, in much the same position as now, the wanton beauty in front of him frustratingly absent. ‘More often than I care to admit.’

‘Is that so? I find that answer lacking in detail still, Commander. How about I tell you first?’ Her breathing was shorter as she lifted her hand to his mouth, Cullen’s brain exploding at the musky taste coating his tongue as he licked her fingers clean. ‘I have to be quiet when we’re in camp. It’s not just when I’m away from you, though. If you’re – unavailable – well, that’s what, toys are for, just like the one we bought today.’

‘You masturbate even when I’m around? Inquisitor, that’s too cruel.’ He was laughing now at her impish expression, the sexually charged conversation pumping blood even faster through his veins and straight to his groin. ‘How do you get away with it? I’d know.’

‘Only when you’re too far away for me to entice you with other means.’ She didn’t need to elaborate, Cullen regularly finding convenient excuses to leave tedious meetings the moment he sensed the blatant invitation through their bond. ‘And when I do, well I think of this particular image right here. You, with that delicious cock of yours in your hand. So now I’ve shared, aren’t you going to return the favour?’

‘Alright. Every day. Sometimes twice. I have a range of scenarios I enact in great detail, but you playing with yourself is a particular favourite – especially if there’s a toy involved. Or the smell of you on my face after I’ve made you scream from sucking your clit and fucking you with my fingers.’ Cullen grinned at her then as her pupils dilated, her free hand curling in the sheets and her breasts trembling as her hand moved faster between her thighs. ‘I think you’re aware of exactly what happens when you’re around.’

‘I think I might need a reminder after the picture you’ve just painted me.’ Leaena leant back, fiery anticipation in every subtle movement as her arms rested above her head. ‘Only if you’re -  ohhhh…’

He didn’t need to be asked twice, this mental image of Leaena’s stockinged legs wrapped around his head and shoulders one he'd been all too eager to replicate in reality. Pulling her pants tight against the skin, his middle finger flickered against the outline of her clit, Leaena’s shudder and wail accompanying the surge of moisture as he started to gently rub the sensitive folds through the soaking cloth. She started to writhe and moan, her nails digging into the covers as Cullen’s deft touch designed to have her pleading for more. Tonight especially he was determined to give his lady the ultimate in pleasure for as long as she could stand it.

‘Cullen! Please…..oh Maker, I am begging….please….I – more…..’

Leaena tried and failed to sit upright as he continued, the first lick across her parted lips making his own hips grind into the bed in response as his teeth brushed lightly over her clit, still covered by the now sodden silk. It proved to be too much for him as well, the need to see her face clenched in pleasure overriding all else. Cullen rested back for a moment, absorbing the carnal sight of her panting, quivering body in minute detail, imprinted onto his brain to savour again at a later date.

‘I don’t think so, do you?’ He held her hand away, not allowing Leaena to reach her peak on her own. ‘Or do you just want to watch?’

Her whimper of protest faded, her whole body rigid with lust as Cullen knelt between her legs and started to stroke his cock once more. There was an audible swallow as she stared in fascination at the gleaming drop on the tip of his head, his fist tight as he pumped his shaft. In truth, he was only just hanging on, barely holding himself in check as he let his other finger caress her clit once more.

‘Cullen, ‘this is – all day I have needed you and now….I’m so close….–.’

‘You do like to watch don’t you?’ The hand firmly palming his cock was providing no relief whatsoever, but if she enjoyed it he would torment himself further if necessary.

‘Just the way you like it. You are the sexiest man, and you are all mine.’ Leaena broke off with a loud moan as Cullen rubbed the head of his cock over the swell of her clit, nearly losing control of himself in the process. ‘Besides, I’m not the only one.’

‘You are.’ The flash in her eyes as his alternative meaning sunk in had Cullen pressing a kiss so fierce to her mouth his teeth clashed against hers, a primal growl escaping him as the intensity of such a long overdue sexual encounter burned into his soul. ‘The only one. Now and forever.’ 

He made short work of the basque and pants, leaving her wearing nothing but stockings as his palms loitered over her breasts, then her flat stomach. He was moments from losing his own composure, but the need to finally taste Leaena properly was stronger. The clear, honeyed liquid dripping down his chin as his tongue flickered indolently slowly over her clit had never felt so good, this the very physical embodiment of her desire all his for the taking. One hand was resting on the tops of her thigh, her strangled cry making Cullen grin as he began to finger her in time to the clit he was suckling on.

His pleasure intensified, knowing that she was literally seconds away from orgasm as he increased the pressure of his mouth, his fingers starting to move faster in reaction to her moans of ecstasy. His hands were covered in wetness, her wildly bucking hips against his face as he found the spot high inside guaranteed to make her fly apart.

Holding his hand still as he flicked against the super sensitive muscle, Leaena was now sobbing as her fingers clamped against his scalp, her muscles contracting as she screamed out his name. A wave of dampness against his tongue hit just as her body contorted, her thighs rammed against his ears as she convulsed again and again.

‘I can’t, Cullen I can’t….oh fuck…’

‘Oh, you can.’ Cullen had maintained the motion of his wrist as he added a third finger to the others, the steady sound of stickiness against his palm intoxicating all on its own. ‘I know you can take more.’

His wicked grin was met by a flailing Leaena, her breasts splayed to one side as her hands curled in the sheets, shuddering from her orgasm. Her whole body was flushed pink, the push of her hips into his hand telling him she had yet to hit the peak he sought.

He renewed his relentless thrusts faster and faster, this time allowing himself the luxury of watching her face contort in ecstasy. His other hand pressed down on her pelvis to hold her in place as his thumb rubbed firmly over the slippery nub. All he could smell was Leaena, spread across the lower half of his face, and all he could think of was how spectacular she looked as he fucked her harder with his fingers.

‘I love watching you like this. I love hearing my name on your lips as you come,’ Cullen said hoarsely as Leaena’s eyes flew open to meet his, leaving Cullen shaken to his very core at the depth of intensity reflected back.

His name was one long, gasping wail, contracted muscles accompanying words that finally pushed her over the edge as wave after powerful waves of multiple orgasm racked her body. Cullen maintained the pressure of his fingers against that one spot on her clit, holding her in place until he was sure Leaena was finally spent. She was trembling, her mouth wide open as she tried to speak once he lifted his hands up. Still she didn’t look away, the intensity burning between them merely intensifying with each aftershock from the force of her climax.

It took a minute or so for her body to finally relax, Cullen supressing a smile of masculine gratification as he watched Leaena eventually lie back on the sheets, her eyes finally closing. Slowly her breathing steadied and he sensed her settle, exhausted after the emotion of the whole day. Ignoring his own sexual frustration, Cullen prepared himself to lie down next to her, fully expecting Leaena to fall promptly asleep after the turbulence of the past few weeks.

It was with some delighted astonishment that he found one hand pressed against his chest, Leaena pushing him back onto the bed and straddling him before he had a chance to move.

‘You’ll have to forgive me,’ she murmured, Cullen’s eyes closing as guttural noises were all that came out of his mouth, the sensation of slickness sliding over the his now throbbing erection almost too much to bear. ‘I have this insatiable urge to make love to my future husband. I hope you don’t mind.’

‘I think – I think I can cope with that.’

Only just. His hands had started to function once more, cupping the full weight of her breasts, quietly hoping she would lean forward far enough for him to take one dusky pink nipple in his mouth. She embodied everything that made up the perfect woman, her skin flushed from her orgasm, her lips pouting as she smiled lazily, piling her hair on top of her head as she continued to undulate agonisingly slowly over his groin.

‘You – sweet Maker, Leaena!’ he gasped out, the feel of tight and hot fully enveloping his shaft, Cullen’s brain shattering from the one sinuous movement alone. ‘Are you – I mean – don’t stop, please.’

‘If you were going to ask whether I am alright, Cullen, I hope this gives you your answer.’ She paused for a moment, one nail drifted down over his balls whilst another teased the coarse blonde hairs at the base of his cock, Cullen starting to shake from the exquisite tension that was rapidly building throughout his body. ‘Nothing gives me more pleasure than seeing you hit the high only I can bring you to.’

It was a newly confident Lea that was rotating her pelvis with excruciating slowness. The awareness of just how close they had now become was doing as much to send his senses spinning as the gradual rise and fall of her hips, Leaena taking his cock deeper and deeper inside of her with every thrust. He hadn’t realised it was possible to get any harder but, to watch the delicate lips wrapped around his shaft, the string of wetness he saw from his thigh to hers, sent Cullen’s mind into sensory overload.

Leaena gave a ragged sigh, her eyes closing momentarily and her head tilted back as her body arched, Cullen brushing his thumbs over her nipples before letting his hands explore the rest of the perfect body on display before him. She still wore her stockings, there being something enticingly decadent about that one item of clothing still covering legs that he couldn’t stop running his hands over.

‘I love you, you, incredible woman,’ he whispered, clasping her fingers between his, Leaena leaning her weight into his arms as she started to ride him faster, unwilling to make him wait any longer. ‘My wife. My lover. My best friend. All of the very best that life can offer, I have found in you.’

‘You are my husband and my soulmate.’ Her breath came increasingly in short gasps as Cullen felt her juices trickle between his legs, his own hips rising to meet hers, both of them unable to control the rapidly increasing tension about to consume him. ‘I have been married to you in my heart since the day we met. I belong to no one but you, Cullen. For eternity.’

It was not enough for him – it never would be. With one swift movement he sat upright, moulding her body to his as he rained kisses over her breasts, the sweat beading across their skin sticking as his palms flatted against her ass. His movements became frantic as he thrust mindlessly out of the soft, wet heat time and time again, hips pushing upwards in his desperate search to relieve the ache consuming his whole body. The world had reduced to the blaze firing through Cullen’s every nerve, the only noise against the backdrop of the storm soft cries and skin meeting skin in an ageless rhythm as he rapidly approached his climax.

‘I have never felt so loved, the way you love me….never let me go, please, never leave me….’

Cullen’s rasping words turned into a harsh groan as his world shattered, his cock jerking uncontrollably as he came harder than he’d ever realised possible. He was crying from the force of his release, overwhelmed, his arms clamped around Leaena’s waist and his face pressed into her breasts. He was already naked, his soul too stripped bare as he sobbed, the years of pain and terror finally over as he finally discovered the one thing he’d been seeking his entire life.

‘I’m here, my love. I’m not going anywhere.’ Leaena was cradling his head against her chest, smoothing his hair back as she repeatedly kissed the top of his head. ‘Those days are gone. We will not be apart again, I swear it.’

‘I can’t live without you. You are my life.’ Now he’d started he was unable to stop, heaving huge breaths as tears poured down his cheeks. ‘Have I ever told you that you are home to me? When I am with you I am at peace, in a way I have not felt since I was a child.’

‘Just as you are for me,’ she murmured, lifting his head with the tips of her fingers as she pressed a tremulous kiss to his lips. ‘Safe, protected and secure. Things I too, haven’t felt since I was a child – all of which you bring to my life. The barren wilderness is no more, for both of us. You will never be alone again.’

He had no idea how long they were there for, naked and shaking, Cullen refusing to move and let the outside world into the bubble of security that he and Leaena were caught up in. He was too raw, too sore and exposed both physically and emotionally to risk the demons stalking back as Leaena continued to soothe him, soft words of love and encouragement falling from her lips as she held him close.

Gradually he felt himself calm, his breathing returning to normal as he braved a glimpse upwards.

‘Better?’ she queried with a smile, brushing a wayward tuft of curls from his forehead before wiping away the tears which had mercifully stopped. ‘It’s going to be alright, you know.’

‘I know. I have you. How could it be anything less?’ The kiss they shared this time was unhurried, Cullen marvelling at the delicate line of her jaw under his fingertips before abruptly breaking off. ‘I didn’t….I mean you didn’t….I’m sorry….’

‘Cullen.’ Leaena tilted her head to one side quizzically, the gurgle of laughter that escaped her lightening his mood as nothing else could. ‘Your prowess in the bedroom is one thing you need never worry about. Would you believe me if I told you how very satisfying I find you as a lover?’

‘Oh. Right. That’s good.’ The swift kiss she gave him before somewhat shakily climbing off his lap left him cold, not wanting to break contact with her even for a second even as tiredness overwhelmed him. ‘Where are you going?’

‘Into bed. That was the most enormous yawn you just gave, so I’m expecting you’ll join me.’ They both climbed under the sheets, Cullen oblivious to anything but ensuring he was as close to her as possible. ‘You need to rest. Both of us do.’

Together they curled up under the blankets once Leaena had absently waved a hand to bank the fire, the only noise now the howling wind from the blizzard as he arranged her body comfortably against his. Her leg was draped over his hip, both her arms encircling his waist as their stomachs pressed together. She was about to drop off, the sleepy smile of affection she gave him settling somewhere comfortably in his stomach.

‘This was the best birthday ever.’ Cullen was trying to keep his eyes open but he couldn’t. ‘You don’t know….you have made me so happy….’

‘You have made me happy too. This is just the start….’

Her low, musical voice was the last thing that registered in Cullen’s conscience, sapphire blue warming every corner of his being as sleep claimed him at last.

 -------

_Or at least I thought I was sleeping._

_What was that noise?_

Cullen sat bolt upright in bed at the muffled thump from outside. Leaena remained oblivious, Cullen deciding not to wake her from such deep slumber. He crept out of bed and headed towards the source of the noise, giving a relieved sigh when he realised it had merely been the weight of snow falling down from the roof onto the balcony floor.

The world was still dark wintery white outside, the worst of the blizzard having passed. Still, thick flakes fell hard and fast, Cullen absently reminding himself to send orders to clear the various passes to Skyhold. He then gave a rueful chuckle, realising that his officers would probably have arranged for their clearance hours before. Not that any of it was important, in light of the previous evening’s revelations.

‘Why is my gorgeous husband to be not in bed with me?’

Leaena’s drowsy, yet demanding voice made him turn, turning to face a somewhat petulant looking Inquisitor who was sitting up in bed, rubbing her eyes as she tried to wake up.

‘I heard a noise I wanted to investigate.’ He made his way back to the bed, kissing her lightly. ‘I didn’t mean to disturb you.’

‘Don’t worry. I don’t think I could sleep anyway – I’m still too ecstatic. Would you care for a drink?’ Leaena buried herself inside a thick white bathrobe, Cullen admiring her legs as he gave a wistful sigh of regret to see the black silk being rolled off. ‘I have many more, I promise. Come here and let’s sit by the fire.’

Quickly pulling on the proffered robe, feeling somewhat foolish as he pushed his feet into matching slippers under her stern glare, Leaena took his hand and led him to the same armchair. Pouring out whiskey for them both, she waved a nonchalant hand at the now roaring fire before settling herself into the exact same position she’d been in only a couple of hours earlier. It was a state of affairs that suited Cullen perfectly, both of them content to sit in silence for a few minutes as they watched the flames dancing in the dark shadows of the room.

‘It’s so snowy outside. I hope we can make it back.’ Leaena absently took a sip of drink as she glanced to the windows carpeted with white. ‘Although this has been such a lovely break. Not to mention a memorable one.’

‘I’m not sure I’ve experienced a day with more surprises.’ Cullen chuckled, pushing her hair over one shoulder, letting his thumb massage the back of her neck. ‘Thank you for saying yes.’

‘Thank you, for being brave enough to ask. You aren’t the only one who had all their dreams come true tonight.’ Leaena’s voice was thoughtful as she watched the flames leaping in the hearth. ‘Isn’t it funny though, how we never raised the future? I knew I would be with you, I just – I was never brave enough to think about it, aside from the odd occasion and even then – have you always known?’

Cullen didn’t answer immediately, letting his mind drift back to a ballroom and a woman who, to the outside was the epitome of imperious beauty.

_She is so much more. That’s all she wants the world to see._

_I know better._

As he’d watched her stately progress through the swarm of Orleisans, her icy disdain melted the moment her eyes met his. Leaena hadn’t altered her expression for one second, both far too aware of the Great Game swirling in treacherous eddies and currents around them. In that one instant he’d known with glaring clarity the path his future lay down. So much so, he’d been appallingly blunt to the witless courtier fruitlessly vying for his attention.

‘You are the only woman I’ve ever wanted to be with. Any woman before – it was never permanent. Not that I ever allowed myself to think that way, but you were different. I’ve known that from the start. I realised by the time we attended the Winter Palace ball that I wanted to marry you, but just how much was only made apparent to me later that evening.’

How badly wrong it had gone, he mused, that fateful night having nearly destroyed everything that was between them, haunting his nightmares for months afterwards. That time, however, had passed, the ghosts no longer having the power to wound him as they once had. In the spirit of being open, he had no choice but to be honest with her. Taking a deep breath, Cullen prepared himself to finally share what had prevented him from speaking the long-held hope deep in his heart.

‘You’ve never asked what happened with Imshael, perhaps because you didn’t want to push me. He showed me something I’d denied myself – the truth, in his warped and twisted way. We were married and you were pregnant. There was no war, there was no fighting. You were both safe. The offer from the demon was the family and security I’d secretly been longing for, since I’d left Honnleath behind for the dubious honour of becoming a Templar. I did the only thing available to me – put a sword through you both and, I felt at the time, killed that hope forever.’

Cullen stopped, the fiery liquid slipping down his throat distracting him from the barbed pain every time that memory struck him. Which was more regularly than he ever planned on letting on.

‘I’m so sorry. Maker, I am so sorry for all the anguish you have been put through.’ Leaena struggled upright, staring at him in horror as he felt her wince in pain at every harsh word, convinced she’d failed him. ‘You were tortured again by a desire demon, and then I ran like the veritable coward I am. How did you ever forgive me?’

‘It wasn’t the best of evenings,’ he agreed wryly, all while trying to reassure her that she’d done nothing wrong. ‘But there was never anything to forgive on your part. How could there be? Yes, it definitely made me more hesitant about ever broaching the subject with you, and that became worse after we returned from the Shrine of Dumat.’

Sensing her distress on the rise, Cullen refused to let her drop her gaze, his hand caressing her face as he smiled. ‘It is over though, Leaena. All that matters is the here and now - and that you said yes. That’s also surprisingly important to me.’

His gentle teasing only partly had the desired effect, a small smile on Leaena’s lips fading as she sipped her drink, turning away to stare distantly into the fire. She was distracted, the hurt seeping through to him in fits and bursts as she failed to hide her sorrow.  

‘What about you?’ Cullen asked, praying silently she would open up to him. ‘I know it has not always been easy for you to consider any sort of relationship, especially given the restrictions mages were subjected to.’

‘I – sex was always weapon, a means to an end for me. It was a momentary diversion to better secure my status against the competition. There was no room for affection in the Circle. Then there was you, and my whole outlook changed. It still is an adjustment I struggle with sometimes.’ Her voice became hard as she thought back to a time she also wanted to forget. ‘Are you sure you want to hear this? It’s not the most romantic of stories.’

‘Remember how you told me not to bury my past?’ Cullen’s gentle reminder had her grimacing in acknowledgement. ‘The same goes for you. I will never judge you, no matter what you tell me.’

‘Very well,’ she said quietly after a pause, refusing to look at him as she confronted demons long buried. ‘I never allowed myself to think of a husband and children. Ostwick was lax, but not so much that they wouldn’t have taken my baby away. I know I don’t need to explain this to you – but you should know. It was a brutal lesson, to watch mages fall pregnant and then the women be shadows of themselves afterwards. I’ve always taken care to make sure pregnancy was never an option – it’s a simple spell after all, with a potion for emergencies. I was determined not to be one of them, even when I met you.’

The bitterness had crept into Leaena’s voice despite her best efforts. That which should have been so instinctive to her was instead forbidden – at least in her eyes. His fingers gently started to stroke her lower back, easing the tension he’d felt immediately build as his heart twisted painfully at the loneliness underlying her words – every single one he knew to be true. His role in inflicting such heartache towards innocent women was yet another heavy burden he’d carry for the rest of his days.

‘I am sorry you had to cut yourself off from something so natural, Leaena. I’m sorry too that you’ve had to revisit something so painful.’ He hesitated, needing to convince her somehow as he fought to find the right thing to say. ‘Just because Imshael chose to show me such a vision, doesn’t mean I expect children. I have you, and that is all I care about.’

‘I know. It’s all in the past, however, thanks to the Mage-Templar war.’ Her words were laden with grief, Cullen sensing a barrier slamming shut in her mind and a deliberate lie as she abruptly changed the subject. ‘Thank you for saying so. Honestly, I haven’t had enough time to think about children anyway. Right now, I want to enjoy you. It had only just dawned on me this evening that having a husband was the only way I could show you how much you mean to me and, in typical fashion, I was too eager to ask. You beat me to it.’

_She was going to ask to marry me?_

_How was I blessed with such a wonderful woman?_

‘We were not meant to be, were we?’ It wasn’t really a question as she continued talking in an attempt to recover her poise. ‘Mages and Templars. I often wonder what would have happened if we’d met while you were still Knight Commander Cullen and I Senior Enchanter Trevelyan, the Circles still intact with all their foolish regulations. Kirkwall and Ostwick are not so far apart after all.’

‘That is a good question. I’ve thought about it often, especially recently.’

Cullen would have done anything to remove the shadow that had descended on her face when talking about hopes that had been destroyed by the circumstances of her birth. It was his turn to look into the flames as he decided against pushing her on her time before the Inquisition, trying to contemplate a life without Leaena. Even worse, a life with Leaena, both of them trapped in a system which bound them both to eternal unforgiving servitude.

‘I would have fallen in love with you just as quickly as I did in this reality,’ he replied resolutely, capturing her hand in his as he held it tight, willing her to believe as much as he did. ‘We were meant to be, Leaena. We would have found one another somehow. Of all the possible scenarios where we could have met, who would have foreseen it would have been you being pushed out of a Rift? That alone tells me all I need to know. As to being together?’

_In Kirkwall? Leaena abused at Meredith’s whim and at risk of Tranquillity on a daily basis? Or in Ostwick, living in nothing more than a gilded cage?_

_Having to hide my respect and devotion to the woman I love beyond reason? Because she is a mage and somehow lesser in the eyes of those who would judge us unfairly?_

‘I would have found a way for us to escape.’ Cullen blinked, startled by such an admission to himself. ‘I would have. There is no life without you in it, free and unshackled by the chains the Chantry forced us in. And if you’d had a child, I would have never allowed them to take our baby away. It would have been over my dead body.’

‘Truly?’ Leaena’s voice was small as she stared up at him in disbelief, even now still finding it difficult to break free of the mould they’d both been cast in for so long. ‘I would never have put the Knight-Commander of Kirkwall as one who would have broken the rules to such an extent. Even though I know by the end you were one of the more moderate of your fellows.’

‘I wouldn’t have, before you,’ Cullen admitted freely, a hint of shame underlying his words. ‘When I was younger, I used to be contemptuous of those Templars who ran away for love, abandoning their vows to Andraste, putting us all in jeopardy because they allowed themselves to be warped by magic. Then, as I became older I simply stopped caring, particularly as I watched the Order crumble to dust. Those that fled would have all struggled with lyrium withdrawal and probably died, if they didn’t have the coin to pay the extortionate amount the smugglers charged. There was little I could do to help, or so I believed at the time.’

‘That’s not all is it?’ Leaena knew him too well, the free hand massaging his back and shoulders going a long way to prevent the stab of guilt through his gut. ‘We were both a product of the environment we found ourselves in, and a thirteen-year-old boy wasn’t to know the corruption that rampaged rife through the ranks. But, for what it’s worth, you did nothing wrong.’

‘Didn’t I?’ Cullen couldn’t simply wipe away decades of wrong choices and bad decisions. ‘Truth be told, I was jealous, that other Templars had met someone they felt strongly enough about to make such a dramatic life change. There I was, stuck in the Gallows with nothing but my duty and years of emptiness until my mind and body caved finally to the madness of lyrium. They had taken a chance at living, something far more courageous than I’d ever dared to do.’

‘You did eventually. Besides, it’s not the kind of choice you make with just anyone,’ Leaena reminded him as she kissed him gently on his forehead. ‘You’ve been taking leaps of faith ever since you took control of your destiny by joining the Inquisition. You are anything but a coward, Commander.’

‘Then neither are you,’ he countered, determined to make that one point clear as Leaena’s smile disappeared. ‘I haven’t forgotten what you said just now and nor will I push you on the topic of your past. I am proud of you though, my lady Inquisitor, for all that you have achieved and all that you still will. It is an honour beyond price that you have granted me, to be your husband.’

‘Blessed are they, who stand before the corrupt and wicked and do not falter. Blessed are the peacekeepers, the champions of the just.’ Her melodic voice whispering the prayer of the faithful sent a shiver of premonition down Cullen’s spine. ‘A Benediction you recite even now, my Templar. Even though you left that life behind, you still represent to me the very best of the Order’s ideals. To be the woman you would have run for – forfeited everything for? I will do all I can to prove myself deserving of your belief in us, Cullen.’

She rested her head back on his chest as Cullen set their empty glasses to one side, both silently appreciating all they had discovered in each other as the ghosts from the past loosened their grip. He ran his fingers through the thick tresses draping over her shoulders, the logs crackling in the grate as the wind moaned outside, warmth and serenity on a scale he’d never experienced enfolding him as he tightened his hold round her waist. Never had he felt so blissfully joyous, content to spend the rest of his years in this one position with Leaena tucked up on his lap, safe, secure and loved.

‘We never did decide when to get married, did we?’ Cullen said after a few minutes, hoping he didn’t sound too desperate to have it over and done with. ‘I know you ladies like to take your time with these things –.’

‘My impatience is legendary! Are you seriously asking if I want to take my time to marry you? Oh I see.’ Leaena started to laugh at his abashed expression. ‘Didn’t we agree earlier to elope? I can’t think of anything better. No big wedding for me, thank you.’

‘Bu what about your family?’ Much though he was selfishly thrilled by her suggestion, he also knew how close she was to her siblings. ‘You wouldn’t want Trystan and Cadan there at the very least?’

‘It’s not about them. It’s about us.’ Even as she spoke, a look of uncertainty swept over her before she stifled a giggle. ‘And you haven’t even met my parents yet.’

‘Dear Maker!’ Cullen stared at her consternation, doubt beginning to creep in. ‘Is there some sort of noble thing I’m meant to have done, like ask your father for your hand or some sort of nonsense?’

The icy coil in his stomach shattered his previous equilibrium, Cullen horribly aware just how big the divide was between the two of them outside of the Inquisition. That he might have made some awkward social faux pas was only beginning to dawn on him, miserably aware in that moment just how much he might have complicated the situation with her family.

‘It doesn’t make a difference.’ Leaena’s words relaxed him slightly, featherlight kisses across his cheeks doing much to revive him from his crisis of confidence. ‘You did everything perfectly, Cullen, please don’t worry. And no, you don’t have to do anything as ridiculous as ask my father for my hand in marriage. Trystan and Cadan number amongst your closest friends – do you not know enough about Trevelyans that they would have near on killed you if they thought you unworthy? It is enough for all my family that I am loved. Which you provide in abundance.’

‘Well, if you are sure? I don’t want to make life harder for you –.’

‘Of course I am sure! Now, let us have no more on the subject. When they meet you they will approve greatly. How could they not? You are a devout Andrastian, a former Knight-Commander and leader of the Inquisition’s armies. That is more than enough, I promise.’  She tilted her head quizzically as she pondered her next words. ‘Don’t you want to see your family again too? It has been so long.’

‘I do, naturally. I never – .’ Cullen halted abruptly, the idea of having Mia, Branson and Rosalie at his wedding a possibility he’d never entertained before.

‘I never focussed on the detail involved in getting married – I just needed to know you would,’ he finished slowly. ‘There is one thing, though.’

‘What’s that?’ she asked, her own happiness shining from her eyes, Cullen’s lips inches away from hers as he recalled that one image he’d held close to his heart for so many months.

‘It’s a small detail perhaps, but one I’ve always imagined for our big day.’ The softness of her lips grazed against his, Cullen’s chest tightening as his cherished vision was soon to come alive at long last. ‘You’ll look so pretty wearing white.’

All that was important existed in the sphere of love and adoration woven around a heart she’d effortlessly captured time and time again, the certainty of his decision resonating so deeply within Cullen knew he’d never look back. He belonged to her and now the pieces of the puzzle had finally come together the moment she’d uttered the one word he’d waited so patiently to hear.

There was no further talk, nor room for thought. The tenderness of Leaena’s kisses trailing over his mouth and over his neck left him blind to all else as his tongue sought out hers, her scent drifting across his heightened senses as he reverently whispered her name. The need for words dissipated into the depths of the stormy night, both of them discovering each other for the second time in a blaze of passion and trust. Yet still, promises echoed through Cullen’s mind as he lost himself once more to the certainty only Leaena could bring to his soul.

_You complete me. I will never leave your side again – I cannot live without you._

_My wife, my love. I am bound to you, in this world and the next, forever._


	108. False Awakenings

_Hello Cullen._

_Did you miss me?_

He barely registered the faint whisper sinuously winding through every fibre in his brain as its tentacles stripped him bare, making him want to vomit and descend into heavenly bliss all at the same time.

‘Miss….I always do. Where are you? I’m sorry I’m late.’

Cullen blinked in confusion as he looked around the cozy living room, hearing Leaena’s voice out on the terrace beyond. The late afternoon sun was streaming through the open doors, Cullen wiping a hand absently against his forehead to mop away the sweat that had accumulated from nowhere. He was in full armour, putting it down to having just arrived at their tiny cottage in Ostwick given the piles of packages by the fire. Eager as ever to see Leaena, he made his way outside, pausing for a moment to enjoy the sound of waves crashing against the beach and the cry of seagulls above.

Her hair was loose, blowing across her face as the sea breeze caught the thick blonde strands falling almost to her waist. Her bare feet were just visible underneath the hem of her white cotton dress, the long lines of her legs moulded by the cloth. The brilliant smile that never failed to illuminate her face had Cullen reacting instinctively as his lips curved in response.

_Except when I proposed there was no ring._

‘You look – Maker save me….’

‘What’s wrong?’ Leaena glided towards him, her arms outstretched, faltering immediately at his thunderous expression. ‘Cullen? Why won’t you come here?’

He was rooted to the spot, staring in horror at the sight of his beautiful wife, a sparking diamond and sapphire ring on her finger just as he’d always imagined giving her. She was perfection on every single level, everything he’d ever yearned for in one complete package.

She was also heavily pregnant.

_Where is the salty smell?_

‘Cullen?’ A hint of fear was in her voice as she caught sight of his hand moving to grasp his sword hilt. ‘The baby kicked only a few minutes ago. I was hoping you would be back in time to feel….’

_She smells wrong. No orange blossom. Just that sickly sweet…._

_It smells of demon._

‘I know what you are and you will not have me,’ he spat, utter despair at what he’d have to do yet again eating him alive.

Cullen had lost count of the times he’d already had to slay his wife and child in the nightmares the demon persisted in plaguing him with. The rasping scrape of steel was at complete odds with the calm environment around him, Cullen doing his best to hide his devastation such precious words caused him as he braced himself for the searing agony through his heart and soul that was about to follow.

‘Know what I am? Of course you know what I am! Please, you’re frightening me…’ Leaena backed away, her arms crossed protectively over her belly as she stared at the drawn sword advancing on her in terror. ‘Why are you doing this! Have you gone mad?’

‘Don’t you have anything better to try me with?’ Anguish fired through every nerve, Cullen tormented yet again with the one thing he knew, with a sinking heart, would be denied him forever. ‘Especially now. Because guess what? My wife doesn’t own a ring such as that one and she sure as shit isn’t pregnant.’

_Don’t try my patience, Cullen!_

The world melted away to darkness, the false security that had been Leaena and Ostwick gone as if they had never been. He was tied to his usual chair, his wrists and ankles tightly bound behind him, naked and unable to move. The rope cut into his skin so badly he felt blood drip down one palm, the only light coming from a small outlet directly above his head. No matter how much he struggled, the knots tightened, Cullen miserably aware he’d never be in a more vulnerable position than this. Every inch of flesh was exposed, every move a targeted attack by a demon intent of subjugating him to its twisted will.

‘Hello, my love.’

‘You’re in the West somewhere. None of this is real.’

Repeating it out loud wouldn’t make Freya-demon go away, but it was Cullen’s last line of defence against his own mind. The voluptuous body that had fired his blood in his youthful folly strolled in front of him without a stich of clothing on, waves of lustrous red hair flowed down her back. Cullen would have been fooled completely if it hadn’t been for the dead light behind her eyes and the cloying scent, both telling him exactly what he was dealing with.

‘Why do you persist in being so stubborn? I just want to make your life a better place.’ She sighed, sitting down on his lap and kissing his face softly as he flinched away in disgust. ‘Your world is full of hurt and darkness, Cullen. I can make it better for you. I can take it all away.’

‘Take Leaena away, you mean.’ He was trying his best to ignore the soft press of breasts up against his chest and the deft touch of a hand teasing, despite his loathing and disgust, his semi rigid cock. ‘If I didn’t know better I’d think you were in league with Corypheus. But you aren’t. This is just in my mind. So you can fuck off with your false promises of redemption. I prefer the uncertainty of the real world over your filthy lies.’

‘Foolish boy!’ Freya-demon slapped him hard across his face, the salty tang of blood where his cheek caught his teeth flooding his mouth, his erection mercifully receding as a result. ‘You have been to the Fade and returned. Don’t you know what that means? I can find you, any time I want, the signature of your spirit a beacon for anything in that realm who choose to follow you to this reality. Not only that, I am trying to save you, not that you deserve it! You truly have no concept of what danger awaits do you?’

‘I have spent my life facing one crisis or another. More peril makes little difference. Besides, a desire demon with more lust than sense refuses to leave me be? Is that the best you can offer? Yes I went to the Fade! I fucking well survived, just like I’ve survived everything else you’ve tormented me with over the years! Just try and defeat me, and I’ll take great delight in watching you fail. You’ll not feed on my soul any longer.’

Cullen’s rough laugh as he spat bloody mucous full into Freya-demon’s face was defiant, the room spinning suddenly as he heard an inhuman shriek of rage.  Claws raked his face and chest as he screamed in pain, blood pouring freely from the wounds the demon inflicted on him as it fought desperately for him to stay within its poisoned web.

_You never learn. You think you’ve survived the worst?_

_Oh my dear Cullen, I promise you the madness is just beginning….._

He felt himself be sucked out of the void of horror, hands shaking him urgently as he pawed frantically at his chest, gasping for breath.

‘Cullen! Please, wake up! Maker save us, I’ve never seen it so bad…..’

His eyes felt as if every single grain of sand in the universe had been poured in as they slowly peeled open, Cullen sitting bolt upright suddenly as the chaotic tumble through time and space in his mind came to a crashing halt. Laboured groaning accompanied his chattering teeth, the clammy skin sticking to his shirt freezing cold as he scrambled to hold his trembling arms around his middle. The hideous memory of the demon’s foretelling echoed round and round his mind, the dark mantle of foreboding suffocating him as the world pressed ever inwards.

‘You’re awake! You scare- never mind. All that matters is that you’re out of whatever that was.’ Leaena slowly came into focus as he stared mindlessly about him, throwing a heavy fur rug over his shoulders with one hand, the other pointed towards the fire as yellow flames abruptly shot into life. ‘How do you feel? Can I get you anything? Perhaps a drink – oof!’

He dragged her down, the force of kiss as his tongue dove into her mouth taking Leaena completely unawares. She didn’t resist. She never did. Instead, Leaena allowed him to absorb all the comfort and reassurance he so badly needed at that point in his desperate fight to return to the present. He was waiting for the leeches to feast on every corner of his brain, draining him of the very essence that formed who he was, all while he battled against the twisted nightmare striving for dominance within.

_You and I are one, Cullen. I can save you from a fate worse than death, if you just let me in._

It took every ounce of the defiance that remained in him to scream out his rejection, Leaena muffling his shrieks of fury and terror in her breast as she refused to let him descend into the demon’s clawing grip.

_You have no idea, even now what she is, do you? What she has done?_

_That dirty whore you fancy yourself in love with can have you, for now. Soon, my love…._

The soft, taunting laughter held a hint of thwarted frustration as it faded away, Cullen at last finding the strength to banish the lingering stench of the warped spirit from his mind. The light hint of berries, free of the demon’s filthy tang was all he was greeted with as he blindly sought out Leaena’s mouth once more before shuddering uncontrollably against the claustrophobia. He could do nothing but bury his face in her neck and crush his hands in her hair as he fought to regain what little control was left to him.

‘It hasn’t been – Maker it hasn’t been so potent for so long!’ He couldn’t move, the warmth of her skin against his forehead and the scent of her in his nostrils the only thing anchoring him to reality. ‘The madness……she promised me madness, Leaena….’

‘It’s alright,’ she crooned, not letting him escape her embrace as she stroked his hair and slowly started to calm his tremors. ‘I am here and you are here. It was just a nightmare, I promise. It’s just you and me, and when you feel better we’ll get up and go for a walk. It’s beautiful outside, crisp and clear and the snowfall means our boots will make that lovely fresh crunching noise with every step…’

Her rambling nothingness was designed to have one effect only as Cullen’s breathing began to slow. Gradually, he registered the crease of her linen blouse against his cheek, the soft brush of fur against skin that was now slightly damp against his own shirt, and the muted sounds of the guards patrolling the perimeter of their camp – the rest of the Inquisition members travelling with them having retired some time ago. The light in their roomy tent was dim, orange shades mixed in with shadow as they splashed over the canvas.

Most importantly, however, was the saving grace that was Leaena, still mumbling sleepy nonsense to him, her voice washing over his frayed senses and easing the tension that had built up in every muscle and joint. Her scent was spring and home, comfort and security with the hint of woody smoke from the bonfire they’d gathered around the previous evening.

_No demon._

_Gone….for now._

‘Here.’

Leaena passed him a waterskin, knowing without asking that he needed to clear the noxious taste from his tongue. Cullen staggered to his feet and lurched towards the tent’s entrance, heedless of the cold outside as he sank to his knees. He repeatedly swilled the cool liquid round and spitting it out, coughing and alternately crying out his fear with each choked mouthful. It was all he could do to not throw up, his hands clamped round his waist once more as he battled wave after wave of crippling nausea. He hated himself for his body’s instinctive reaction to the demon’s touch, wondering distractedly between retches into the snow if he’d ever feel clean again no matter how often he scrubbed his skin raw.

It was only the familiar, beloved prickling sensation of magic that broke the cycle of self-loathing he’d become all too used to.

‘No one can hear you.’ A hand rested lightly on his back, Leaena’s arm slipping underneath the cloak as her palm made circles across his back. ‘I put a ward around us before bed and strengthened it – and you shouldn’t feel the cold.’

‘Thank you,’ Cullen mumbled, his head in his hands as he forced in lungfuls of freezing air. ‘I didn’t mean to be a bother.’

‘If you apologise once more I will send you right back to Val Royeaux to serve as our ambassador for the next month,’ Leaena retorted jokingly, her fingertips working some kind of massaging magic along the ridges of his spine. ‘You can’t help these attacks. We know what causes them and we know that they will one day end. It’s going to be alright.’

‘This – it felt like the demon was there though, once more – I could have been back in Kinloch Hold.’ He shook his head in confusion. ‘I – there was a message there for me, I am certain of it. But I don’t understand what.’

‘A message from a demon?’ Leaena was scornful as she rubbed the muscles in his neck. ‘You’re paying attention to such rubbish? I thought we both agreed after Imshael that desire demons were not to be trusted. If that is indeed what you faced tonight.’

‘You’re right, of course.’

Sitting back on his heels as he finally composed himself, Cullen caught her hand in his, lacing his fingers tightly through her own. Tents were closely gathered round in a circle, the embers low. The snow had stopped sometime in the night, the sheltered gully they’d found to make camp in protecting them from the worst of the storm. A blanket of stars covered the midnight sky but, judging from the clouds building up from the north, there would be another blizzard for them to face in the near future.

‘I’d better change shirt,’ he muttered as they ducked back into the tent, pulling the sweat-soaked linen dispiritedly away from his skin as the fur mantle fell to the ground. ‘I doubt I’ll get much more rest tonight anyway.’

‘Would you like to go for a walk? It’s only just past eleven.’ Leaena’s eyes were virtually black as they regarded him calmly, her lingering anxiety for his wellbeing still resonating through their connection. ‘We could scout the pass ahead. Or even better, set off with just the two of us. Although I doubt Trystan will be thrilled with that suggestion.’

‘He doesn’t need to know. That sounds like a superb idea,’ Cullen agreed, refusing to let go of the safety of her hand as he rummaged in his bags for a fresh change of clothing. ‘We can’t be more than a day’s travel from Skyhold even with such poor conditions. We’ll make better headway with just the two of – why did you do that?’

‘You need to have both hands free to get changed, Cullen.’ Leaena teased lightly, doing her best to distract them both as she stood on tiptoe to lift the ruined item over his head. ‘The sooner we make it back to Skyhold, the sooner I can have my husband to be soaking in a hot tub, massaging away that tension I know is between your shoulder blades.’

Cullen didn’t reply, unable to shake the deep-rooted sensation that his unwanted visitor had somehow been trying to issue a warning of sorts. There was a chill in his heart and ice in the pit of his stomach as he quietly stood for a moment, watching Leaena’s unconsciously graceful movements around their tent as she flung some essentials into her saddle bags. He was still reeling in disbelief that Leaena had agreed to become his wife only four days ago, half-convinced that the demon would turn around and rip away the newfound security and peace he’d been craving his entire life.

_She said yes._

_That is all that matters._

‘Are you going to ride to Skyhold topless?’ Teasing laughter dragged Cullen back to the present. ‘I for one wouldn’t mind, but I’d rather you returned healthy and whole.’

‘Your wish is my desire,’ Cullen replied, quickly shrugging into some underlayers before beginning the tedious task of strapping on his plate armour. ‘I look forward to the time when this is no longer a daily necessity. Will there never be an end?’

Leaena left her packing, rising slowly to face him. Despite her casual dismissal of the nightmare he’d just been subjected to, she too felt the residual discord, believing as he did that something, somewhere, was not what it was meant to be. Unlike him, however, she was doing her best to move past it and not let the terrors of the past overshadow the joy of the present.

‘These powerful hands of yours,’ she murmured, taking his palms in hers and tracing patterns with her nails over the rough skin. ‘I forget so often what you are – trained to wield strength beyond imagining, born to command and demand obedience. Yet they have done nothing but take precious care of me, from the day we met, despite the insurmountable challenges you have repeatedly been forced to endure. The Templar in you is ever at odds with the gentle, protective soul you truly are.’

The delicate kiss Leaena placed in the centre of each palm made Cullen want to weep, a shiver of icy premonition coursing through him at exactly the same time her eyes connected with his once more.

‘Not for much longer though, my husband. One more enemy to defeat and we will both be free to finally discover our destiny, together. We are so close now. Never give up, no matter what the future holds in store for us.’ He could hardly breathe as warm, soft lips brushed against his. ‘We were meant to be. There is nothing in this world that will keep us apart. I will always find you, no matter what circumstance decides to test us with next. I found you on both sides of the Veil and I will do so again if I have to. You will never be alone again.’

‘I’m not your husband yet.’ It was the only part of her impassioned speech Cullen could respond to without completely breaking down. ‘I am past caring about who should or should not be there. Please, marry me as soon as we get back to Skyhold. I need no vows to already consider you my wife – I have done so for months now. But this – I – I can’t wait, any longer.’

‘Did I not promise we would, the moment we set foot back in the fortress?’ A luminous smile filled his vision as Leaena drew him to her for a lingering kiss. ‘You are already my husband in my heart. No sadness, Cullen. The future is ours to embrace.’

It was with extreme reluctance that Cullen relinquished her lithe body from his arms, silently signing a pile of orders and leaving them for Trystan to read through before checking he’d parcelled up everything he’d need to take back to Skyhold. The nagging thought, that if he didn’t marry her soon something terrible would happen, only subsided when he looked around the tent in some bemusement.

‘Leaena, how in the Maker’s name do you manage to create such chaos in such a small space?’

A trail of paper had followed her as the Inquisitor sought to organise her belongings, spreading out every single piece across the floor as she absently searched for a document. Cullen chuckled at the sheepish expression crossing Leaena’s face when she realised just how untidy tent had become. Tossing her braid over one shoulder and sticking her nose in the air as she pretended to ignore him, she proceeded to grab a handful of notes and stuff them into a satchel.

‘I don’t know what you mean,’ she replied huffily, leaving a disorganised pile on the bed before grabbing her bags, searching around for her cloak. ‘I am not the one that feels the need to create colour coordinated systems that no one else can understand. Damn it where is my cloak? I could have sworn I –.’

‘Left it in a heap by the fire last night? I have it right here,’ Cullen interrupted smoothly, shaking out the thick black woollen cloth with a grin at her look of chagrin. ‘Where would you be, Inquisitor, without me to dress you properly for the weather?’

‘Shivering in a blizzard. Just like the escape from Haven.’ There was a catch in Leaena’s voice as she gazed up, Cullen only just managing to make his fingers work to fasten the clasps. ‘Haven’t we come a long way since then? I don’t just mean the Inquisition. You, staying off lyrium and recovering from those hideous years in Kirkwall and Kinloch Hold. You are so very brave, Cullen. You stay strong, even after nights like the last one. I never do enough for you. If you ever need anything – .’

‘Hush.’ Cullen silenced her self-derogatory spiral, dropping a kiss on the tip of her nose before tucking the fur hood firmly over her head. ‘If it wasn’t for you, my lady, I would not be where I am today. You help me in ways you don’t even realise, like making me laugh at your surprising lack of filing capabilities. There’s nothing to be maudlin about, from where I’m standing. I’m hours away from making the woman of my dreams my wife. What could be better than that?’

‘And you will become all mine at last. You’re right, as ever. So what are we waiting for?’ She grabbed his hand and dragged him out of the tent before Cullen had a chance to question her further. ‘We must be quiet now, otherwise Trystan will never leave us in peace.’

Stealthily they made their way back to where their horses were waiting. A quick conversation with the guard confirmed that the pass before them was still open, Cullen giving orders to rouse the rest of the party immediately and depart no matter the time of morning should the passes threaten to close. After one last check with the duty sergeant, he and Leaena were mounted up and on their way in the dead of night, Cullen sending a quick prayer of thanks for the crisp snow muffling the sound of their horses’ hooves as they rapidly put some distance between themselves and Leaena’s other advisors. In his current mood and pounding headache, the last thing he wanted was to make idle conversation.

It was only just midnight as they made their way through the narrow ravine. Leaena had cast a globe of light above their heads to guide them along the path. There wasn’t room for idle chat as they both concentrated on guiding their mounts along the slippery road, Cullen grateful for the distraction as he fought an internal battle to ignore the paranoia that seemed to be increasing with every hour that passed.

He’d always acknowledged the seething, irrational jealousy at the mention of Blackwall’s name, helpless to control the black rage that corroded his being as the demon cast vision after repulsive vision that left him screaming and weeping for mercy. Even something as tame as Leaena dancing in the arms of other men at the Winter Palace had done nothing to improve his disposition that evening, no matter that he’d known how much she’d hated every moment. Grimly he recalled his vile behaviour towards her when Vivienne had so neatly torn them apart, the churning self-loathing never far away as he remembered how often he’d cast baseless, hurtful accusations at her just so she’d writhe in as much pain as he had.

It was all driven from the underlying disbelief that he truly deserved such happiness – that he truly deserved the love of a woman as incredible and special as Leaena was.

_It’s not about another man. It never will be, ever again. I trust her._

_This is different. I don’t like it._

The amorphous threat that Cullen had sensed from his nightmare still refused to leave him, even as the cobwebs cleared from his brain. The sub-zero temperatures against his cheeks were ignored as he grappled to dismiss the unwelcome invasion of fear in his soul. Even as he told himself it was in his imagination, memories of Leaena broken and skeletal in his arms as he’d carried her from the Shrine of Dumat refused to fade. History was about to repeat itself and there was nothing he could do to convince himself otherwise.

He was so engrossed in his internal battle he didn’t notice Leaena draw her horse alongside his, the steady plod of their progress lost as Cullen tried and failed to identify the danger he was convinced hadn’t left them yet.

‘Cullen?’ A soft voice permeated through his fog as Leaena extinguished the light. ‘Are you alright? We should – I mean, if you want to talk about it, I think we can walk side by side for this stretch. It’s not so narrow any more and I don’t want to advertise our presence, even here.’

He shook his head slightly, looking around to take his bearings, the menacing clouds still far in the distance as he took in the brilliant canopy of stars. Towering cliffs bore down on them from either side as their horses wound their way through the treacherous path, the only route left open to them if they wanted to make it back to Skyhold within the week. Leaena had cast her warming spell on them both – even she needed additional protection at these altitudes from the perishing cold.

The unexpected winter storms had taken them all by surprise, Cullen arranging their departure from Val Royeaux the moment they managed to escape the infernal party he’d suffered through on her behalf. It had been the usual round of toads and harlots that passed for the Orlesian court, Gaspard himself showing little patience for some of the more extreme antics of his nobles. Still, on this occasion, Cullen had found himself pleasingly insulated from the worst of the sly innuendos and blatant invitations.

_She was going to ask me. All night long, that was what she was building up towards._

_And then it didn’t matter. She’s going to be my wife._

‘Now you’ll have to tell me what bought on that smile at two o’clock in the morning.’

‘Going through that wretched dinner was far less painful that I anticipated. All I could remember was you in that red dress, as nervous as I was – or at least I realise that now. You looked so beautiful that evening. Not that I mind you in black leather trousers either, just to be clear.’ Even given his foul temper, he couldn’t help but grin as a blush crept across her cheeks. ‘You can wear that uniform for me again any time, Inquisitor.’

‘I’m thrilled to hear you approve,’ Leaena retorted lightly. ‘Does that mean I can persuade you to be my escort at all diplomatic engagements, Commander? You’ll hear no dissent from me if it means I too get to admire those black leather trousers on you too – just like your circle of admirers. Did one truly drop her handkerchief and feign ignorance just to see you bend over, darting behind you to appreciate her view as that happy circumstance occurred?’

‘Maker’s Breath!’ Cullen gripped his reins, embarrassment warring with laughter as he recalled the hapless female who’d been flapping around him all evening. ‘I had to retrieve the scrap of cloth for her – it was only polite! And yes, put up with thoroughly unwanted compliments over my – never mind. How Gaspard gathers such a random collection of idiots about him is beyond me.’

‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t tease you about it. I hate the attention as much as you do and I wish they would leave you alone.’ Leaena’s expression was pensive, a hint of anger in her voice as she recalled the sorry incident. ‘Why won’t you let me put these simpering fools in their place?’

‘Because you are the Inquisitor and your way of dealing with it would have ruined several thousand years’ worth of pristine historical records.’ That she cared so much, even over something he considered a minor irritant, went a long way to banishing the throbbing around his temples. ‘Let’s not cause an incident with Orlais when we’re this close to success shall we? I’d hate to have to put ourselves through all that diplomacy rigmarole again.’

‘Very well, if you must have it your way. Although her dress was so low cut her nipples were practically on display to the whole room and I swear she used rouge on the – what the fuck is that?’

Leaena stilled just as he did, Cullen picking out two shapes in the distance silhouetted against the horizon. They’d finally made it out of the ravine and onto a flat plateau, the backdrop of the mountains stark against the brilliance of the night sky. He could just about make out a small cluster of six tents and a fire now they rode in the dark, both of them startled to see people this deep in the heart of the Frostbacks.

‘I can see a flag,’ she whispered, neither of them relaxing their posture as they urged their horses into a trot. ‘It must be Inquisition forces – but why such a group, and in this barren wilderness?’

‘It is Inquisition – or at least those are the markings.’ Cullen felt himself relax, smiling as he caught sight of a familiar trail of magic approaching at speed towards them. ‘Don’t worry, Leaena. You must be tired – don’t you recognise that staff? I can only think of one person who is quite so…obvious in their display of power.’

‘I’m not tired!’ Leaena protested indignantly, even as she too, started to smile. ‘But why are they here? And why that particular spell combination….’

‘Well, I wouldn’t expect you to grasp the intricacies, dearest Lea,’ Dorian greeted them cheerfully with a wave. ‘It’s a delicate combination of Earth and Lightening which I was experimenting with Solas only a few hours ago. Caused a few localised avalanches which was great fun, but nothing to get in a bother about.’

‘I’m delighted to see you of course, but what are you doing here, Dorian?’ Leaena looked as confused as Cullen felt. ‘And who else is with you? We’re not that far from Skyhold and would have made it today.’

‘Ah see, dearest girl, that is where you are wrong. There have been developments.’ Dorian’s usual good humour faded, Cullen looking sharply across at the mage as he awaited an explanation. ‘Where to begin? This delightful weather we’ve been forced to endure for one, is the main reason we’re stuck in the middle of nowhere. Although there are worst places to be. Congealed gore in the pit of the Nightmare’s belly perhaps as he eats us for dinner is one.’

‘Weather….worst places?’ Cullen queried, his confusion doubling by the second. ‘What in the Maker’s name do you mean?’

‘Did you surround him with too many Orelsian dancing girls, Lea, for him to suddenly become so slow?’ Dorian led them both towards the camp. ‘Have you not noticed the volume of snowfall over the past four days? Morrigan thinks we are near the source – .’

‘Wait, hang on.’ Lea interrupted Dorian’s speech, raising her hand in the air for silence. ‘Who is with you and what has Morrigan got to do with any of this? Begin at the beginning.’

‘I’m getting to that. What happened to the pair of you over the last couple of days, to be so obtuse?’ Dorian shrugged, continuing with his explanation. ‘Just after you left for Val Royeaux to end Blackwall’s stay at His Majesty’s pleasure, the temperatures plummeted and the passes were blocked without warning. You could put it down to a freak of nature, but this was so severe Solas and I decided to run a few tests. We wanted to find you and ensure you made it through, Morrigan refused to believe we were competent enough to manage this on our own, so she insisted on joining in. And here we are.’ 

‘So you, Solas and Morrigan are here. Taking weather readings,’ Leaena replied in consternation, neither of them missing the bleak shadow that crossed Dorian’s face. ‘That’s not all, is it? What’s the real reason?’

‘A deeper meaning? The meaning of life? That’s a highly philosophical question given we haven’t seen you for nearly a month, Lea.’ Dorian’s flippant response didn’t fool either of them for a second, his shoulders slumping as he realised Leaena wouldn’t let the matter drop. ‘Bull and I are no longer together. Yes it hurts, yes it’s for the best, no I don’t want to talk about it. Yes, we wanted to make sure you made it through the last pass ok, no it wasn’t my only motivation in escaping Skyhold. I need distance. Let’s leave it at that.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Leaena said softly, drawing her mount alongside Dorian’s to take her friend’s hand. ‘I appreciate you telling us. We won’t talk about it unless you want to.’

‘I don’t. You didn’t happen to bring a wineskin with you by any chance? You could be stranded anywhere along this route and you didn’t pack such a bare essential? You’re slipping my dear.’ It was hard for Cullen not to wince in sympathy at the forced joviality in Dorian’s tone, staring very hard at the tufts of mane between the pommel of his saddle instead. ‘Varric insisted on sharing that swill which he calls ale but it just doesn’t have quite the same bite I needed –.’

‘Varric?’ Cullen finally found his voice. ‘What’s he doing out here?’

‘Well, Cassandra didn’t believe that Morrigan, Solas and I are grown up enough to take care of ourselves, so she insisted on joining in. Aras had already arranged an excursion of her own with Varric to explore some caves with nugs and Leliana got upset so –.’

‘Dorian.’ Cullen’s headache had returned in full force from the conflicting statements in that one split second, the slight slur in Dorian’s otherwise impeccable diction giving him away. ‘You’re blind drunk aren’t you? That can be the only possible explanation for such a ramble of utter nonsense.’

‘It’s lucky you’re so good looking Commander, because take it from me, your charm will get you precisely nowhere. You’ve got about as much subtlety as a tavern full of whores touting for business.’ Dorian huffed, Leaena stifling a laugh at Dorian’s blunt assessment even as she watched him with no little degree of concern. ‘And so what if I am? Ever tried fighting six sheets to the wind? It’s a truly exhilarating experience. Adds that edge of the unpredictable to your own abilities as Bull –.’

‘It might surprise you to know that I have,’ Cullen interrupted, doing his best to distract Dorian from a black melancholy he recognised all too well. ‘Boring you might find me now, but even Templars can succumb to youthful folly too.’

There was no time for anyone to respond as they finally made it to the camp. Cullen dismounted first, taking the reins of Leaena’s horse as she gave him a grateful smile which quickly turned into a yawn.

‘It must be around two in the morning – no wonder you’re tired. Go and see you friends and get warm by the fire. I’ll follow.’

She said nothing in reply, Leaena’s slow turn away from him as she followed Dorian telling him just how much she wished for more privacy. Badly though Cullen wanted to kiss her tiredness away, he held himself back, his heart sinking at the abrupt return to reality. There was precious little chance to be alone at Skyhold, Cullen having already identified exactly the types of threat he’d use against the Chantry sister who was to marry them should her tongue decide to wag.

They’d decided not to tell anyone, not until Corypheus had been dealt with. Half of him was quietly pleased at keeping their marriage secret – once Leaena had decided what she wanted, there had been no time to arrange a wedding in Val Royeaux. The other half of him was disappointed, Cullen astounded at himself when he considered just how badly he wanted to show his wife off to the world.

He was doing his level best to not think of the two very significant reports that had arrived just before they’d departed as he brushed their horses down. Instead, he cursed to the Void every single earthquake in the Deep Roads and Avvar incursion he could think of that undoubtedly would see them forced to separate once more.

_When will this end?_

‘Maker’s Balls, Curly, could you look any more intimidating? You’ll scare the whole herd of horses away and then we’ll have to walk back to Skyhold. You can be the one to listen to Sparkler whinge the whole way back.’

‘I’d rather not be considering how best to move several thousand troops through such adverse conditions down to the Frostback Basin.’ Cullen checked the tethers on their mounts once more before turning to face Varric. ‘Good evening to you too. I got about as much sense from Dorian as to why you were out here as I would speaking to Cole.’

‘Nugs.’ Varric gave a broad grin at Cullen’s scowl as they walked towards the tents. ‘Well I could hardly let her come out on her own could I? And besides, we were bored. You guys were having all the fun in Val Royeaux, after all.’

‘I would have swapped – .’

_No, I wouldn’t have. Not for all the gold in Thedas._

_It was the best time of my life._

‘For a moment you actually looked like something close to happiness.’ The dwarf’s shrewd eyes assessed him, for once the knowing smirk absent. ‘Are you going to elaborate? You didn’t do anything like actually finally declare yourself did you?’

‘If I did, it wouldn’t be anyone’s business but our own.’ Cullen was grateful for the deep of the night covering a face he knew would be bright red at the lie. ‘Leaena arranged for us to have a private view of that collection if you must know. So I got to appreciate it without a bunch of ridiculous questions getting in the way.’

‘Of course. It was your birthday. Convenient for you that Blackwall decided to declare himself, albeit in somewhat more startling fashion than you’d ever do presumably,’ Varric rumbled with a bark of mirthless laughter. ‘Poor bastard.’

Cullen didn’t feel remotely charitable towards Thom Ranier, having only spared him execution because of Leaena’s inexplicable affection towards him. He hadn’t taken the time to examine the unwanted recognition of his own actions in the other man. He couldn’t. It all bit far too close to home.

‘He will join the Grey Wardens once he finishes his time in our ranks. Some would say that is punishment enough,’ Cullen replied shortly. ‘Josephine remained in Val Royeaux to negotiate his release and he should be back at Skyhold before the month is out. Leaena had to call in many favours even though Ranier’s removal would cause Gaspard no end of relief.’

‘Well, it could have been a lot worse. The hangman’s noose is never a pretty way to contemplate what you’ve achieved in life,’ Varric mused to himself before returning to the present. ‘Just as well Frosty arranged your birthday party. Rylen had plans too, you know.’

‘I bet he did,’ Cullen laughed, relieved at the change away from a topic that left him uneasy. ‘I know my second in command and just how he likes to celebrate. I would have found myself inebriated to the point of immobility in all likelihood, no matter how hard I tried to avoid it.’

‘That’s a given, for sure,’ Varric agreed with a grin. ‘Presumably with a card game or three thrown in for good measure.’

‘Leaena saved my dignity yet again in that case. I still have my purse and my clothing intact, with no need for Dorian’s demand for a walk of shame to the barracks once more.’

It was with somewhat better humour that Cullen arrived to join the others, his and Varric’s light banter doing much to relieve him of the doubt and insecurity which seemed to have dogged his every step over the last few hours. Everyone was gathered aside from Morrigan, Solas and the latest elf to join the Inquisition. Leaena rose and walked to his side, standing so close they may as well have been touching. He wrestled with himself for a second, just catching Cassandra’s eyes soften as she saw him place an arm round Leaena’s shoulders and draw her close to his side. A satisfying sensation of contentment flooded away the exhaustion and discontent as Leaena gave him a radiant smile.

‘Welcome back, Commander,’ Cassandra greeted him, coming to stand on his other side. ‘I never thought I would hear myself saying this, but Val Royeaux appears to have been good for you.’

‘I find I have a new appreciation of the Orlesian capital. There are some hidden gems, if you know where to look.’

‘Some right out in the open,’ she responded cryptically, with what seemed to be a satisfied nod before looking at Dorian with worry. ‘It is well past bedtime, Dorian. Don’t you think you’ve had enough for one evening?’

‘When I need a mother, Seeker, I will come running straight for your skirts,’ Dorian snapped, immediately contrite as he flung down the empty bottle of brandy. ‘Fuck it all, sorry, Cassandra. This is not your fault. I just – I wanted to sleep, that was all.’

A sentiment Cullen understood all too well. He slipped his hand into his pack, passing Dorian one of Solas’ stronger sleeping potions. ‘Here – in case he didn’t brew any of these before you left. I don’t think I’ll need this tonight so I’ll stand watch. Try it.’

Dorian didn’t respond, taking the potion with a nod of thanks and downing the green liquid in one go before crawling into the nearest tent.

‘How long has this been going on for?’ Leaena asked quietly. ‘First his parents and now this. I had hoped – but it was ever an uneven match. Not that it’s any of my business.’

‘Well if that potion is what I think it is, then we may have to strap him to his horse tomorrow as he’ll still be asleep,’ Cassandra observed dryly. ‘It’s one of the reasons we came this far out. To find you and to get Dorian away.’

‘Nugs is one sharp shooter,’ Varric added. ‘We were planning a hunting trip. Said she needed to get away, find some open spaces. Then Sparkler dumped Tiny, we were all lonely without you and then shit got weird, and I don’t just mean the blizzards. So here we are.’

‘That makes more sense than what Dorian said earlier. Where is Morrigan?’ Leaena’s mistrust of the witch was something she concealed well from most, having barely spoken to her since they’d both recovered from the trauma of the Temple of Mythal. ‘If there is something suspicious about these storms then I must know.’

‘Standing on a rock, communing with nature most likely,’ Varric grunted, pouring himself a drink. ‘She’ll be back before dawn. The storms are seemingly natural her voices tell her. It’s just the frequency with which they are occurring. When Solas said he was leaving, she insisted on following for some reason. No more to it than that.’

‘She left her son behind?’ Leaena said with some surprise, met with nods from the others.

‘Solas and Aras are where?’ Cullen asked, already bracing himself for a long night of herding Inquisition companions all over the northern Frostbacks.

‘Arguing somewhere over there.’ Varric gestured to a rocky outcrop about ten minutes’ walk away. ‘Nugs doesn’t talk much but when she does, it’s because she cares.’

‘Perhaps too much. Solas has changed of late….’

Cullen overheard Cassandra’s rejoinder as Leaena led him away from the warmth. He wasn’t sure he wanted to interrupt any romantic interlude between Solas and an elf Cullen had only met once and in passing at that. Leaena, however, left no room for discussion as she dragged him away.

‘A month away and all hell breaks loose,’ she muttered, pulling up her hood with her spare hand as thick flakes started to fall, an irritable gesture of her wrist casting a low haze of light before them as the clouds rolled in. ‘What the fuck is wrong with people? I’m not interested in who chooses to sleep with who, believe me, but we can’t lose focus, not when we are this close.’

‘We’re a family – a dysfunctional one to be sure, but they missed you,’ Cullen said simply. ‘It’s apparent they were worried about you and there’s something about sitting around in a fortress that makes tempers fray. This was a convenient excuse to escape. How is Dorian?’

‘He didn’t say much about it whilst you were gone, but I get the impression it was all fighting and any love died quite some time ago. It was at his insistence that their relationship ended. As for this girl – I know Solas loves a good argument, but I’m not going to pretend he left his rotunda for the joy of being reunited with me for more heated debate.’

‘He has ever been an enigma.’ It was pointless trying to kick off the clinging clumps of snow from his boots as they followed the rapidly disappearing tracks. ‘This is not something I’d have expected from him.’

‘Even apostate mages with more magic than they’re supposed to have can fall in love,’ Leaena said softly, Cullen able to feel her tightening her grip on his fingers even through the fur gloves. ‘He saved us. I’m afraid to ask him how. Perhaps a spirit similar to Cole possessed him for a short time to enable such powerful healing?’

‘I wondered the same, but I don’t think so, even though he has a way with spirits I’ve never seen. He was fully himself when he healed you. Besides, I’ve never for a second thought Solas would succumb to possession from a demon.’ It was a startling realisation that gave Cullen pause. ‘He might be killed by one but he’ll never become one. He’s too much like they are as it is.’

‘You would know. I’m sorry.’

Cullen found it hard to remember why he was meant to feel sorry for himself when, for a brief, perfect moment it was just him and Leaena enveloped in a snowstorm, the warmth of her lips and the heat of her tongue sending fire to even the coldest extremities of his body. He sighed in pleasure as his arms tightened round her waist, heedless of the terrible weather as she nuzzled the tip of her freezing nose against his with a low laugh.

‘Later, I promise. I’ll stand guard with you, but in the meantime let’s round up these last two. I want everyone close.’ She leant against him, squinting into the darkness at the slab of stone near a cave entrance where two figures were clearly visible, making their way towards them. ‘Morrigan can take care of herself. So can Solas, for that matter, but I want to speak to him.’

‘Well you won’t have long to wait. If I’m not mistaken, Aras doesn’t look particularly keen on heading in this direction.’

‘You have more of a sense of these things than me,’ Leanea concurred, her attention fixed on the slender elf next to Solas’s easily recognisable gait. ‘You’re right though. I think Solas has forced her to come along and she’s not happy about – No! it cannot be!’

‘What? Leaena, tell me what the problem is!’

_Oh Maker. If that is who I think it is…._

_But how?_

Cullen’s hackles had risen at Leaena’s gasp of horror. Even in such poor conditions it was apparent her skin had turned white as chalk, staring at the now clearly visible Aras Lavellan in utter dismay. It didn’t last long – a split second later two spots of red appeared on each cheekbone as her lips thinned in a line. It was a look he saw rarely, but one that did not bode well. Leaena was furious, but not from her usual heated impatience that simmered and died in quick succession. She’d drawn herself to her not inconsiderable height, her aura crackling with magic as she embraced her power, her hood blown back and her hair loosened from her braid and streaming down her back.

She’d retreated behind her shell of icy hauteur, clearly far better acquainted with the petite elven beauty now standing before them than either Cullen or Solas had been prepared for. Almost involuntarily, the two of them took a step back, allowing the women the space for a reunion too many years in the reckoning.

‘Ice Princess. That’s what they called you, once you passed your Harrowing.’ Aras Lavellan spoke first, her lilting voice distant. ‘You’re the epitome of it now.’

‘That’s what happens, when people betray you. Pretending to be something they aren’t in order to get close. To get what they want at the expense of everyone else. But so what? As long as you have your way who gives a fuck about the rest?’

Leaena’s voice was several degrees colder than the current temperature, Cullen concluding he’d imagined the anguish that shot across Solas’ face at her bald statement.

‘I had no choice.’ Aras lifted her head with a defiant tilt. ‘Just as I had none in joining the Inquisition. I did not mean to cause you pain, Lea, but my loyalties have always lain with my people.’

‘What is your name anyway?’ Leaena snapped, the first hint of temper she’d shown in an exchange so fraught with unspoken feeling the air vibrated with the tension. ‘Aras Lavellan? Mairead an’ Annia? Or is it all just another layer of bullshit?’

‘Aras Lavellan. The last one standing of my Clan.’ There was no mistaking that look of agony, Cullen decided, nor the pain that lanced through that last sentence.  

‘I read of the tragedy only yesterday, and I am sorry for your loss. House Trevelyan spoke out in defence of your people and were amongst many Ostwick families who refused to send troops.’ Ever the noblewoman, Leaena had fallen into the security of protocol and strict formality to protect herself. ‘It does not explain, however, why you are here now. By your own admission, you were a spy in the Circle and presumably have some ulterior motive for joining the Inquisition.’

‘I was sent as a spy in the Circle, and I was sent as a spy to the Inquisition, as well as to offer my services as Clan Lavellan’s ambassador.’ Aras shrugged nonchalantly, the mass of hair the shade of caramel gathered at the nape of her neck unravelling from the dismissive gesture. ‘As of this moment, however? There is nothing of that great import in my life any more. Do what you will, Inquisitor.’

‘Nothing?’

That one word, torn from Solas before he could stop himself, was laden with a depth of meaning so intense both he and Leaena were wishing they weren’t around to bear witness. Neither of them existed in the span of time that passed as Aras stared back, Cullen and Leaena not managing to look elsewhere fast enough. Naked longing warred with the force of sorrow, the desperate need to reach out and embrace the promise of tomorrow drowned out by paralysing terror and a loss so profound it was etched on every line of her delicate features. Devastation was evident in her honey brown eyes as Solas bowed his head in resignation, refusing to look at her further.

‘Nothing.’ For the first time Cullen realised Aras bore no vallaslin on her face, the slight tremor he’d noticed in her fingers disappearing as she clenched her fists tight. ‘So if you are quite done, I will head to the cave and stay there until I’m ready to return to Skyhold. The escort is unwanted and unnecessary.’

‘Convenient.’ Leaena made a disdainful gesture, her expression becoming even frostier. ‘Why break a habit of a lifetime by running away?’

‘Leaena, don’t turn this into a conversation you’ll regret.’ Cullen murmured, knowing too well just how much she’d hate herself if she lost her composure. ‘Thank you for your honesty, Aras. I’m sorry you feel uncomfortable around us but I understand your need for distance. You will be safe for the night, I assume?’

‘Thank you, Commander.’ Aras gracefully inclined her head, leaning on her staff to support her across the uneven ground. ‘I can look after myself, but I am grateful for your concern.’

‘You can’t go on your own!’ Solas protested loudly as Aras started to trudge away. ‘I won’t allow it!’

He immediately realised his error as Aras whipped back around, her numb detachment replaced by fury as she raked him with a scathing glare. Such was the force of her anger Solas stepped back involuntarily, holding his hands out in a placating gesture that did nothing but infuriate her further.

‘I am not some chattel to order about whenever the whim takes you!’ Aras shouted, flames and lightening exploding from the top of her staff in her rage. ‘When you’re done making a mockery of giving a shit, then perhaps we’ll be able to have a sensible conversation. I’m not holding my breath though! How you’ve managed to remain seated on that ridiculously high horse of yours for so many years without falling off and breaking your neck is beyond my understanding!’

Cullen took Leaena’s arm and linked it with his, her shock at the unexpected encounter with her past and the outburst of rage from her former friend leaving her shaking. Aras had practically run from the three of them in her haste to be away from the turbulent atmosphere. He suspected it wasn’t even Leaena she was eager to escape from as he looked over at an ashen-faced Solas, staring in disbelief at the figure now busily establishing wards and a seal in front of the cave entrance. With a snap of red, the entrance closed and Aras disappeared, Cullen assuring himself that would have to do, able to see both the tents and the cave on the patrol route he’d already mapped out.

There were, however, more important considerations, such as making sure his future wife was settled.

‘What just happened to my night?’ Leaena asked angrily, looking at Solas for an explanation. ‘Firstly my dear friend greets me drunk and heartbroken, then a ghost from my past thunders through my conscience, only to disappear again moments later. And seemingly heartbroken too, for all her curtness. Ma-Aras always used to retreat into herself in awkward situations, and who could blame her when you’re ordering her about like the lowliest scullery maid! There’s no way she has just been with the Inquisition a month to elicit such a response from you! What the fuck have you done, Solas?’

‘I only meant to usher her in from the storm. As for the rest? Some things should never have been.’ Solas didn’t look at either of them as he too turned to leave, his words muted and hollow. ‘The fault is all mine. I should never have allowed it to go so far.’

‘Well you did, and now I may have a potential diplomatic incident on my hands. Her clan may not have survived, but there are still many other Dalish in existence.’ Leaena rubbed her eyes, leaning against Cullen as she decided to let the subject drop. ‘One thing is certain. Now is not the time, especially not on a night such as this. Will we see you in the morning, ma falon?’

‘You will, one way or the other.’ Solas affirmed hoarsely, his gaze haunted as he looked back at them both, the premonition of impending disaster hitting Cullen so hard he nearly staggered. ‘Just so you know. I never meant for any of this to happen. Whatever is to come – remember that, at least.’

Cullen hugged Leaena tightly as they both watched Solas stride off, disappearing almost immediately as he blurred into the falling snow. He didn’t want to think on how ominous those parting words were, remembering all too clearly the power the elf had wielded to save both him and Leaena time and time again. He realised Leaena was shivering uncontrollably, a delayed reaction to the initial spike of delight at seeing her old friend alive, vanishing in the welter of hurt that radiated through every fibre of her being.

‘It’s alright,’ Cullen soothed her, slowly stroking the damp flakes from her hair as her teeth started to chatter. ‘You can let go of your magic if you want to. Shall we go inside a tent and get you comfortable? I’m almost certain Varric and Cassandra drew the short straw before we arrived.’

‘N-no,’ Leaena stammered as hot tears splashed down her face. ‘Not like – not like this. Can we walk – if you can?’

‘Of course I can,’ Cullen assured her, his heart breaking to see her lain so low. ‘There’s a ridge near that cave where we can sit. I’d rather get you out of this before we both turn into icicles, though. Follow me.’

Quickly they made their way over to the sheltered spot in just a few minutes, Leaena clinging onto his hand as if her life depended on it. Her magic reverberated around her, her instinctive reaction at moments of crushing insecurity a habit Cullen had hoped she’d broken over the year. It distressed him to see her lain so low, reminding him just how vulnerable his Inquisitor could be. So much of her past was still concealed, Cullen only aware of the horrors she’d chosen to share. Leaena had frequently cast her life in the Circle as easy compared to others. He wondered frequently, however, just how accurate an assessment that truly was.

‘Better?’ He’d gathered some sticks and she’d released a trickle of energy to start a fire, Cullen ensuring they were seated far enough away from the cave’s wards to not inadvertently set them off. ‘Here – have some of this.’

‘A hip flask?’ She managed a small smile as she took the proffered drink, coughing slightly as the fiery liquid made its way down her throat. ‘That’s good whiskey. Which one is it?’

‘Trystan and Cadan produced both as a birthday present. Well, Trystan did, but Cadan obviously wasn’t around in Val Royeaux. I thought I’d shown you, but I had other things on my mind.’ He gestured for Leaena to sit between his legs, settling her weight against his chest as he kissed her on the cheek. ‘There, doesn’t that help a little?’

They both sat in peace for a few moments, Cullen taking his turn at calming Leaena down as he rhythmically ran his fingers through the damp strands of hair. She was sipping slowly from the flask, her breath even once more as they both watched the flames leaping from the fire. Both of them were beyond tired, Leaena closing her eyes as her head fell back against his shoulder, the world around them sealed off as the storm set in.

‘I can dry you off if you like?’ she offered, snuggling her head into his neck. ‘You’re stubbly. I don’t mind though, far from it. You’re so beautiful, Cullen. And you smell good too.’

‘Why thank you. Funny, because I was just thinking the same about my wife.’ Permanently, if he was honest with himself, normally with a healthy dose of disbelief at his good fortune. ‘I’m fine – save your energy. I’ll only get damp again. How do you feel now?’

‘Somewhat improved. I appreciate you stopping me from saying something stupid.’ Leaena opened her eyes, her fingers toying with a loose thread on her cloak as she considered the unexpected events that had overtaken them. ‘I wasn’t prepared to see her again. I thought I’d never see Mar- Aras again. She was my only friend in a place where I had only my brother to turn to. Trystan couldn’t be everywhere, especially not at night.’

She took another mouthful before passing the whiskey back to him, Cullen allowing himself a small drink to brace himself against the long night ahead. ‘I miss them. Cadan especially. For so long I had only my family, and I could never tell Caya and my parents just how isolated I was at the Circle. It would have caused a permanent rift between him and Father and I couldn’t allow that to happen. Only Trystan knew…..why am I telling you this?’

‘Because you need to talk?’ Cullen reminded her. ‘I have waited a long time for you to share more detail of your life in the Circle. I doubt things were quite as harmonious as you make them appear, especially when your brothers fill in some of the gaps that you have thus refused to so far.’

‘They were compared to Kirkwall –.’

‘Kirkwall was extreme,’ he interrupted, bracing himself against the usual revulsion when he thought on the wasted years of hatred. ‘Do not use that Maker-forsaken hellhole as a comparison, nor Montsimmard. Ostwick may well have been sedate, but bullying exists everywhere. You call it relaxed, but that to me is just another word for lazy. It’s all too easy to turn a blind eye to abuses that should be prevented.’

‘I never thought of it like that.’ Leaena was thoughtful, chewing on her lip as she relived a time she clearly would have preferred to never mention again. ‘But they were so close to my parents – the First Enchanter and Knight-Commander – it never occurred to me that other apprentices were just jealous. I was in a position of privilege and I was also from the highest ranking noble house there. There were a few lesser houses, but not many and they were either much older or much younger than I was. There were many more in the Templars, of course, but again only one or two outranked Trystan and I. Trystan joined around the same age you did – strange, no? But of course, I didn’t really get to see him properly until he graduated. We were deliberately kept apart, I see that now.’

Leaena’s voice was small as she sat up and turned to face him, hugging her knees and resting her chin on top. She looked so absurdly young, so much younger than her thirty-two years, and so defenceless Cullen was left fighting his own need for vengeance, the black rage momentarily blotting his vison as he struggled for self-control.

_This isn’t about me. It’s about her._

‘It was just me, for so long. I had to learn to fight for myself. They all hated me and I didn’t understand why. I just kept myself to myself and became better than them so they would leave me alone. At least physically. The rumours and the spiteful, vicious gossip never let up. At least not until this fireball of an elf arrived unannounced one night. Both of us outsiders in a universe where we didn’t belong. She taught me the meaning of survival, of loyalty and friendship. Of betrayal. Or so it felt at the time. All of a sudden, I was on my own once more and I had to fight for survival – for so many years. She’d taught me all that I needed to know. I was never the same after that. How could someone just leave?’

‘Never betrayal.’ They both started at the stark words that cut through the stillness, Leaena not budging an inch. ‘I didn’t mean to disturb you both but I heard you talking. I couldn’t leave it as it was.’

‘I trust my brothers and sisters implicitly. The ones I am related to and the ones I have been blessed with during the dark days of the Inquisition.’ Every clearly-enounced word from Leaena’s bloodless lips made Aras withdraw further. ‘I gave you that trust and you abused it in the worst way imaginable. I never even knew your real name. Did I ever really know you?’

‘Would you abandon your duty so easily?’ Aras challenged back, refusing to be cowed even as Leaena’s accusation cut her to the core. ‘I did my duty. There was nothing else for me. Are you not doing exactly the same, Inquisitor?’

‘Fuck this. If you want to go there, then let’s go there!’ Leaena jumped to her feet, tears pouring freely as she hugged her chest in a futile attempt to stem the pain. ‘The one time I chose duty you know where it got me? Pulled in a million different directions with almost everyone forcing me to become something I wasn’t. I ended up with both my mind and body broken, clinging onto life by a thread. The next time, I chose love. If I hadn’t then the two people standing before you now would be dead. Duty makes for a cold bedpartner, my lady Lavellan. Haven’t you learnt that yet?’

‘Strangely enough, I have.’ Aras turned momentarily to search the dark landscape, the jumping flames casting shadows of sorrow over her tortured expression, the shutters slamming down again a split second later. ‘I suspect I’m not the only one. However, I didn’t come out here to swap pleasantries.’

‘What did you come out here for then?’ Leaena snapped back, forgetting herself as the wounds of the past lay so brutally exposed between them both. ‘Spit it out and stop wasting my fucking time!’

‘Being Inquisitor hasn’t improved your disposition one iota. You’re even more bad-tempered than you were in the Circle.’ Aras was calm, her folded arms and defensive posture the only indication of her discomfort. ‘I owe you an explanation, if you choose to hear it.’

Leaena said nothing, glancing down at Cullen who’d refused to interfere. He stood slowly, with the lightest of touches in the small of her back for comfort. There was far more beneath the surface than could be uncovered in one evening, the woman standing before them both a key component in Leaena’s recovery. As well as her own.

_Not that either of them would ever acknowledge it._

‘You don’t need my permission,’ he said steadily, knowing instinctively that the elf would never open up in front of him to the extent that both women needed, ‘but this is a conversation you know has to take place. You don’t need me around.’

‘Cullen,’ Leaena started to panic at the mere suggestion of even a momentary separation. ‘You can’t go…’

‘Would I ever leave you? I thought we’d had this discussion.’ He lifted her hand, kissing her fingers lightly in reassurance before pressing the hip flask into her hands. ‘Take this, just in case. Aras has a perfectly cozy cave just next door. You can sense where I am. I will be right here on guard duty as I had planned earlier. When you’re finished, just come and find me and we’ll make our way back to Skyhold. That’s one date I intend to keep.’

‘Very well. You are right, as ever.’ Her tremulous smile vanished as she turned to face her former friend. ‘This whole night has turned out to be one of the most bizarre of my existence, but seeing as you are here, it would be the least I can do to not listen. Sleep seems to be overrated these days anyway.’

Aras nodded, retreating into a shell as she followed Lea’s purposeful steps away. Turning back once more, she gave an abrupt nod of what Cullen presumed to be thanks before they both disappeared round the corner.

With an inward sigh, he looked out at a sheet of thick white, turning instead to bank the fire as he felt a rapid surge of Leaena’s magic as she reaffixed the seal on the cave. It made no difference to either of them of course, the reassuring pulse of sapphire blue happily winding around his senses relaxing him as nothing else ever quite could when she was out of his sight. She was apprehensive and scared, Cullen helpless in the face of the disclosures she still had to face.

It had been an evening full of unexpected incidents that neither of them were prepared for. The demon’s backhanded warning sprang into his mind once more, Cullen only able to shove the unwelcome thought to one side as he focused on Leaena and the brief snippets of information she’d given him. As he suspected, the damage she’d suffered at the Circle ran far deeper than she’d ever admitted, the sadness emulating from her in waves when she’d talked about the loss of her friend the other evening. It had been the one shadow on an otherwise magical night. He’d resolved to tackle the subject, but had been taken aback by how quickly the opportunity had presented itself.

‘A strange night indeed,’ he muttered to himself in bemusement.

_But worth it, ultimately._

_We are not far from Skyhold, after all._

The anticipation of what lay ahead was all it took for his smile to appear once more. As he settled himself in for his watch, the one thought he needed to sustain him was that this time tomorrow, Leaena would finally be his.


	109. More art! Leaena by Gerry Arthur

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait between chapters - I have been travelling extensively for work plus my husband has been very unwell, and time to write has been almost nonexistent sadly. The next is underway though and hopefully done by the end of this week. In the meantime, here's another portrait for you all of Lea at the Winter Place - the counterpart to the Cullen portrait. All by the wonderful [Gerry Arthur](http://gerryarthur.deviantart.com/art/Leaena-607704943)


	110. Clash of Titans

She did not want to do this. She absolutely did not want to be stuck in a cave with a person who had hurt her more than she cared to think about. Emotions so extreme had been coursing through Lea at a rate of knots since their mad dash to save Blackwall – longer, if she was truthful with herself. The bubble of unadulterated joy she’d so desperately sought to prolong in Val Royeaux had well and truly been burst. With a sinking heart, Lea forlornly wondered if it had ever been hers to embrace in the first place.

The exhilarating high that had raced through her the moment Cullen had bent down on one knee and uttered words she’d never dared hope hear had ended with an abrupt crash. She been rudely thrust into the present the moment she’s woken screaming earlier that night, driven mindless with fear as red lyrium manacles bound her feet and wrists. The chains cut dull throbbing welts cutting through her boots and gauntlets, melting the metal and skin together round her ankles and wrists. Lea had been left sobbing in pain and despair, a universe of corpses littered across a barren landscape all she could see as her eyes searched frantically for a glimmer of hope. Her world was devoid of humanity as demons feasted and fought over each flickering soul fruitlessly seeking escape.

_All your doing, Inquisitor._

_If only you’d joined me when you had the option, all this could have been avoided._

An acrid taste was in her mouth as the memory of her nightmare earlier that evening rose unbidden, the taunting whisper she hadn’t managed to dismiss mocking her yet again. Furiously she wiped the sweat that was dripping down her face, focussing instead on her relief that Cullen, too caught up with his own terrors, hadn’t noticed just how unbalanced she was. It only worked to a point, however, the dread certainty that he’d been sent some kind of warning, from the demon which had stalked him his entire adult life, merely reflecting her own insecurities.

_Somehow, somewhere down the line, did I really miscalculate that badly?_

_I think you know the answer to that already, my lady Trevelyan. Your selfishness is my gain._

Lea stumbled as the raw truth stared her bluntly in the face, her grip on reality slipping under the multitude of shocks she’d been dealt with in such a short space of time. She fell into the pitch black cave, her boots catching on the loose stones underneath. As she stuck out one hand to steady herself, she slipped again, the ice encrusting the walls not giving her enough grip to stabilise herself. Resolute, she contemptuously ignored the fever that had ignited in her blood over the last few minutes, refusing to give the voices in her head the satisfaction of any kind of acknowledgement. She’d perfected the façade of normality overlaying the insanity she’d lived with for so long it was now second nature. Yet there was a different, sinister quality to this latest attack, one she couldn’t quite place.

_I’m awake. Aren’t I? Was it all a dream, the dancing, the singing, the proposal?_

_Maker save me, I don’t know the difference any more!_

‘Shit!’ she swore loudly to distract herself from her increasing paranoia. ‘Couldn’t you have waited until we were somewhere more comfortable for you to unburden your conscience? Or at least lit a candle so I wouldn’t break my neck?’

An eerie red glow suffused the cavern, Aras’ eyes burning points of crimson as she stared impassively at her former friend. The slight surge in magic as the seal over the entrance closed did nothing to reassure Lea as she stared right back, the latent portent of disaster that had settled in her stomach like a stone these past two days roaring through her chest and up her throat so fast she nearly vomited.

_Not now, why now?_

_I can’t…._

Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, her fingers pressed firmly into the sides of her temples as she forced herself to stand, Lea tried her best to remember it was only Aras and her, with no enemies in sight. She instinctively sought out the comfort of the cobalt blue, frantically searching for Cullen’s protective, loving presence to combat the numbing fear that was coiling round her belly at a rate of knots. Warmth flooded though her veins as Cullen calmed her fears, reassuring her with every shaking breath she drew as she finally made herself look around.

_These voices, they never stop…_

_Your insanity is what he craves. Don’t give in now, my love, I am here with you…._

As if Cullen were there next to her in the cave, she drew comfort from the words she knew he was thinking to himself mere steps away. The security she’d craved her entire life was there for the taking, if she just had the belief in herself that she could pull through this final battle.

_Taking, taking, always taking am I not? And it’s never enough….._

_You sucking him dry again, Inquisitor? There will never be enough, no matter how much you bleed him of his life force. Just like the poisonous leech you are...._

For once even Cullen’s strength wasn’t enough to push aside the madness, especially as the huge icicles carpeting both the ceiling and the the cave floor were pulsing with the exact same sickly light as the red lyrium which had warped her reality for so long. No matter where her eyes darted in her increasing panic, all Lea saw was reminders of both the near and distant past she had yet to escape. Between Corypheus invading her nightmares on a now nightly basis and Cullen’s own demons tearing him into shreds, Lea was ill-equipped to confront a spectre she’d so forcefully repressed for so long.

They were so close to being together forever, hidden dreams she’d thought foolish in the extreme suddenly blossoming before her with their promises of a happy ever after. Lea had been so convinced that, if she spoke of her engagement to Cullen, he’d be snatched away from her in a cruel twist of fate, leaving her life so empty there would be no point in continuing. It was the reason they’d decided to marry in secret and tell no one else, Lea already kicking herself for having waited too long. She was giddy with excitement even as the black menace of paranoia stalked right behind, the rocketing from despair to joy and back again simply adding to her backlog of exhaustion.

‘You never needed anyone else’s help before, Lea. Creators, you have changed if you need me to do something as basic as illuminate a cave.’

Aras’s clipped tones cut through the trance she’d slipped into, Lea glaring across at her as she angrily twisted her hair back behind her head. The sharp twinge of the strands pulling hard against her scalp was deliberate, Lea embracing even the slightest discomfort in order to sharpen her wits once more. That task done, a blue flame erupted from the top of her staff simply to make a childish point. Except she immediately wished she hadn’t done so as the blazing light display they were both treated to, of red and blue warring for dominance, all too reminiscent of the warzone her mind had become for so many months.

‘What do you want?’ Lea’s voice was arctic as she mercifully returned to herself, the pain having done what it needed to do. ‘You’ve got two minutes to convince me that what’s coming out of your mouth isn’t yet more lies.’

‘I told you. To explain what happened, and why.’ Aras had a dagger in her hand now, idly tossing it up and down as Lea frowned, suddenly aware of the lack of vallaslin no longer decorating her old friend’s face. ‘I knew you were the Inquisitor. I had every intention of coming to find you much sooner than this, but……certain events changed my plans.’

_Divide and conquer. Even ancients can forget, it seems._

_Where were you during your tactics lessons, Inquisitor? This has been all too easy for me._

‘You’ve been masquerading in the Inquisition far longer than a month, that much I am aware of.’ Lea’s discomfort at the ease of Aras’ deception into their ranks would have to wait, the amorphous threat of something being very wrong spiralling out of control. ‘I suppose I don’t need to ask the reason why.’

‘No, you don’t,’ Aras snapped back, her reserve cracking immediately as she caught Lea’s barely concealed implication. ‘I wanted to hope, and to forget – just for a while, before reality came crashing down, as it always inevitably does. Are we so different in that regard, you and I?’

If Aras had set out to wound her, she couldn’t have picked a more apt statement. Lea was battling against the flood of impending doom that was suffocating her, the feeling of being herded in a direction she absolutely did not want to go becoming stronger and stronger with each passing second. The world she’d suspended for a few brief, glorious days was sucking her back into a seething morass of self-doubt and anger.

‘How quickly our fanciful dreams crumble into dust. You do know exactly what I’m talking about,’ her voice cracked like a whip at Lea’s instinctive flinch. ‘Then you’ll have to forgive me that one deception, Inquisitor. You understand all too well, much though you try to deny such a basic truth to yourself.’

‘My circumstances are not up for discussion here,’ Lea retorted, Aras as ever managing to snake under her defences as only someone who knew her well could. ‘Your poor choices are yours to live with, one way or another. Do not seek to foist your own dissatisfaction with your life onto me.’

_She’s right though isn’t she, Inquisitor?_

_You’re very good at hiding from the truth. Dragging all you love into your web of conflict and deceit._

Lea was half convinced her eardrums were bleeding from the harsh whisper, the promise of imminent madness implicit in a voice she’d convinced herself was only present in her darkest moments.

‘I think you’ll find that your circumstances are very much central to this discussion, Lea. How can they not be, if I am to tell you the whole?’ Aras’ emotionless words bought her back, even as Lea blinked, struggling to focus on the conversation. ‘My choices are my own and I will bear the burden. Your censure has little bearing on the outcome.’

_Just like you. Everything you do in the end, Inquisitor, is all for naught._

_I will have my victory and you will lose. All you love, destroyed and scattered to the winds. Your blindness was ever your downfall._

‘Then speak and let’s be done with such nonsense,’ Lea shouted, unsure whether her words were directed at the elf or the monster in her head. ‘I’ve little patience at the best of times, let alone for pointless mind games! Let’s end this charade for once and for all!’

_I thought you would never ask…._

Aras never got a chance to hurl the dagger Lea knew she so badly wanted to. With an inhuman wail Lea staggered outside, her staff clattering to the frozen floor as she clutched her left wrist in agony. Green lightening shot out from her palm, the shimmering ward vanishing under the magical torrent. Lea was left shuddering, unable to control the foreign magic as it blasted upwards into the heavens.

‘I knew….and I did nothing….my price to pay…..’

Lea had known this day was coming, the inevitable she’d futilely sought to delay now coming to pass as mages and Templars once more engaged the demons howling around them, the ringing of steel and the stench of blazing flesh assailed her senses. The time in Val Royeaux, the distraction of Blackwall’s flight and her pursuing her fanciful dreams had been a mere distraction. All she’d done was allow Corypheus to become stronger. It was the apocalypse from the Temple of Sacred Ashes all again, a world gone mad just as it had been all that time ago.

A year ago to the day, Lea distantly realised. A year to the day when her life had changed forever, a magic so intense taking over her very being and twisting her to a purpose she still failed to understand. Crashing to her knees, she stared sightlessly upwards. She was heedless to the blizzard that whipped around her, focussed solely on the swirling vortex that had sundered the skies. Sickly shades of green were interwoven with pitch black clouds, sullen grey mountains looming, judging her and finding her wanting.

‘Maker save us! Leaena! You have to bring the Mark under control somehow, before it kills you!’

Cullen’s frantic shouts were coming from somewhere far away, but she couldn’t pinpoint where, the all-consuming drain of magic ripping her soul from her body second by second. Every nerve was screaming, oversensitive to the alien power consuming every part of her being. The push of her own magic against the invasion was as effective as a minnow swimming against the ocean’s tide. Even the sound of Cullen’s voice, her one anchor to the present was lost as she instead fixed her gaze on her blazing arm.

‘Lea! Embrace it, do not fight it …..’

_Embrace what?_

_The pain….is too much….._

Dorian’s voice slipped into her brain as her left arm burned, Lea unable to process anything more than regret at her ineptitude as her mind began to shut down. Her vision was a blur of green, missformed shapes looming out of the dark as she struggled to cling onto the last vestiges of her sanity, the clamouring voices in her head demanding her total submission. She’d never experienced such blinding agony, unable to do more but let the flames consume her as the light brightened in front of her eyes. Thunder booming as the sky wept was all her conscious self registered, the familiar looming shadow making its way towards her, shards of crimson light radiating outwards with each menacing step.

‘Leaena……there is another way…..’

Wet snow was seeping through the leather, her knees cold as the blizzard raged, ice stinging her cheeks. It was strange, the tiny details Lea noticed even as her body shook uncontrollably from a raw, primal energy she didn’t recognise, convinced she was about to die as her mana poured forth from her at a rate faster than she’d ever experienced. The world was muffled, the manic laugh of triumph that accompanied the heavy thud of a dragon’s wings consuming her with only one all-encompassing realisation.

_Failure._

At this, the last hurdle, she’d lost before she’d even had a chance to get started.

‘Accept defeat, Inquisitor. There is no other option left. I have you now.’ The gravelly voice of insanity ground inside her head, Lea convinced her mind was severed from her body at the sudden invasion. ‘You have failed. You could have been greater than anything this world has seen, but you spurned me time and time again. Welcome to your reward – my triumph!’

_Leaena…… my love……I am yours to command….._

She blinked, confused, Cullen’s beautiful voice reaching through the crazed tumult of her senses as nothing else could. And smiled.

_Ah my Commander, you were ever the smart one, no matter how hard this must be for you to offer._

‘You have nothing of interest to me, Corypheus,’ Lea whispered to the walking corpse that was nearly upon them all, silently tapping into the reserve of strength Cullen unwaveringly offered her. ‘Failure is a relative term, after all. Let’s put that theory of yours to the test, shall we?’

With a sigh of acceptance, Lea opened her spirit up to the magic of the Mark and her own power. The battle Corypheus had launched in her mind came to an abrupt halt as she embraced the all-consuming agony firing through her body, rather than continuing to fight it. The immediate fury of pain gave her the clarity she’d needed, the euphoria flooding every inch of her mind and soul as the cobalt blue completed her, wiping away the physical and mental trauma. Simultaneously, she channelled the green fire away from the Breach and, instead, directly towards Corypheus himself but this time with a combined blast of sapphire and cobalt blue, a humourless grin pulling at her lips as she watched his satisfaction waver.

Corypheus lowered the Orb, howling with rage as twin bolts of red and blue collided with such strength she was nearly knocked over. He was so busy concentrating on her unexpected assault he missed the sizzling green lightning she flung out in a desperate attempt to close the Breach. Praying her last ditch effort would be enough, Lea locked onto Corypheus’ Bight-tainted magic and absorbed it as her own, automatically retching as the sickened song she’d tried so hard to forget blasted through her senses.

Cullen’s battle cry, repeatedly calling her name as he engaged the demons threatening to overwhelm her was the last thing Lea heard. A blinding emerald light consumed her, Lea’s lifeless body relentlessly spinning amidst the furies of the magic she’d unleased.

\------

_I failed you my love, I am so sorry. What if I don’t….._

_Never! You will come back....._

The vehemence from the parting thought between them was still racing through his head as Cullen stood, frozen from shock, the demon he’d just impaled sliding slowly off his sword as the world exploded around them all. Shades of red, blue and green vibrated through the air as wave after wave of energy shook the ground, everyone else aside from him thrown off balance by the power of the blast. The very fabric of life had been ripped apart as Lea’s effort to halt Corypheus succeeded, her body catapulted into suspended animation from a magic he’d never encountered before.

At what cost to her personally, Cullen almost couldn’t bear to think about. All he knew was that she was gone, to a place where he could no longer reach her. How it had happened, Cullen had no idea. One minute he’d been patiently surveying the landscape and settling in for a long, lonely watch. The next thing he’d seen were demons hurtling towards him at a ferocious rate, the sky torn apart once more as Corypheus howled in triumphant rage. The worst thing by far out of that horrific scenario had been seeing Leaena, mindless with pain and driven back to the brink of insanity by the towering columns of red lyrium that had risen from the ground at a sweep of Corypheus’ hand. The last time he’d seen Leaena discharge such power had been on their way home from the Shrine of Dumat – a position he’d never dreamed in his worst nightmares could have happened again.

_I can no longer save her._

He was fixated on the translucent red shield encapsulating both her and Corypheus, hanging several feet above the ground, staring vacantly with their limbs motionless. Leaena’s arms hung limply by her sides and her eyes were blank even as the globe spun slowly above their heads. Reaching deep inside himself, he searched for that forceful tug of sapphire that had begged for his strength, Cullen more than willing to open up his soul to let Leaena use whatever she could. It was that one, final push from the both of them that had broken Corypheus’ assault, shattering his hold over Leaena’s mind and instead enabling her to manipulate the alien magic once more to even the balance.

It had also left him momentarily stunned as the power that had resided within him for so many years was abruptly drained away. The cobalt that represented his lyrium travelled at light speed to merge as one with the sapphire blue, Cullen winded from the brute force of its departure. He’d only faltered for a second, though, roaring into life once more as a demon bore down onto his brave Inquisitor, anger sharpening his precision as he rapidly dispatched that potential threat to her life. Cullen hadn’t realised it was possible for the world to go as mad as it had at the Temple of Sacred Ashes. But here he was, fighting tooth and nail for everything he believed in against the madness that sought to dominate over them all. There were two fundamental differences between that time and now, however.

_Leaena._

_Templars._

His connection to Leaena had been severed the moment she’d been trapped in an alternate dimension, the barren emptiness he felt in his heart almost forcing Cullen to his knees. She was gone, in every single way that mattered, into a world where Cullen couldn’t help her no matter how much he tried. He had nothing left but blind faith, placing all his hope and trust into the one person who had shown him the true path to redemption. His wife.

_You will be._

_Hurry back to me, my lady._

‘Curly! What the fuck! Andraste’s tits, now is not the time for procrastination!’

Varric’s shout of desperation lurched Cullen into action once more, wrenching his blade free and spinning around to survey the battle that had raged around their camp. The demons had been thrown back from the force of the blast, the muffled thud of Cassandra’s decapitation dimly registering as he caught sight of Aras’ almost casual indifference as she slit the throat of another. Or at least it would have been casual, if for the malevolent glare she cast at the corpse she scornfully kicked to one side.

‘Fall back,’ Cullen called as he searched around to account for the group. ‘Leaena managed to at least block the Breach, so we only need deal with the demons left. And that wretched dragon – where the fuck has it gone?’

‘That particular fight is all mine, Commander.’ Morrigan’s cryptic statement was almost lost in the distant thud of dragon wings. ‘In the meantime,  I will buy you what time I can. It will be down to you to keep Corypheus’ minions from interfering with that sphere that protects the Inquisitor.’

‘It protects Corypheus as well,’ Dorian growled in frustration, only just restraining himself from bodily launching at the magister. ‘How will we know when we can strike?’

‘Lea is the only one who can answer that question,’ Solas responded softly, his eyes fixed on the two bodies above. ‘If she wins that particular battle, then the war might just be won.’

‘True. Why don’t we even the odds a bit?’ Morrigan was almost smiling as she watched the dragon circling above, Cullen only just holding his ground as the beast prepared to dive. ‘I’d hate to be accused of slacking off in a fight, after all.’

Without any further warning, she strode off, Cullen gripping hold of his hilt tightly as her form shimmered, an enormous dragon appearing in its place. With a powerful thrust she launched herself upwards, a bestial shriek ripping the sky as the red lyrium beast was thrown to one side. All of them instinctively ducked as the two beasts locked together, tumbling rapidly towards the ground before breaking away and circling each other warily.

‘We can leave Morrigan to it for now. She has bought us some time, as has Lea,’ Cassandra snapped, the tension in the little group palatable. ‘The numbers are fairly even wouldn’t you say Commander?’

‘Two to one on demons, so long as we don’t have to worry about the dragons,’ he agreed, finding it almost impossible to not focus on the pale figure hovering metres from the ground. ‘But Leaena….how….’

‘She is in the Fade,’ Aras confirmed, her face ashen as they braced themselves for the next onslaught. ‘Fighting Corypheus there, just as he’s fought her. If she is victorious, then we stand a chance of defeating him in this realm. If not…’

‘The world as we know it ends.’ Solas grasped his staff tightly, his gaze distant as his expression hardened. ‘That cannot be allowed to pass!’

‘Now isn’t the time to go to sleep, Solas so find a different way to help Lea. We can hardly go in after her otherwise, even with that potion of yours to help,’ Dorian quipped, Cullen forgetting just how sarcastic the mage could become when frightened. ‘You really need to modify the amounts of embrium you put in there, my friend. I could have snored my way through this fight otherwise, oblivious to darkspawn monsters wishing me dead.’

Solas didn’t respond, his piercing grey eyes riveted on the glowing red Orb resting in Corypheus’ grasp. Not for the first time Cullen found himself questioning just what the elf was hiding, the hidden depths of power he’d seen surface twice from one of Leaena’s closest confidantes barely held in check for the first time. He was the only one who noticed, all the others spanning out in a circle at Cassandra’s gesture bracing themselves for the next wave of fighting.

There was then no time to think, the thud of a crossbow bolt landing squarely in the forehead of the demon rapidly advancing towards him returning Cullen to the stark present. He drew one set away as Cassandra focussed on another four, both of them working unconsciously in rhythm to protect the ranged fighters behind them. Not that they needed much support, a disdainful wave of Dorian’s magic freezing a pack of mindless Terrors from Cullen’s flank before Aras shattered them with a volley of fireballs almost making him grin.

Almost.

He’d lost all sense of magic, every single Templar ability he’d relied unthinkingly on for so many years wiped out in a matter of seconds as he’d given the very essence of his spirit over to the woman he loved and obeyed without question. It had been a gift freely offered and not one Leaena would ever have asked for, let alone dreamed of being able to manipulate. Cullen hadn’t even realised it would have been an option until the severity of circumstance forced his mind to accept any possibility of survival.

It had taken less than a second for Cullen to figure out just how his power could be utilised to their advantage. The Inquisitor and her Commander were bonded in a way that went beyond any mortal comprehension, including even beyond Corypheus’ knowledge, enabling Leaena to forge a weapon in the heat of battle to turn the odds in their favour.

_Will I ever sense her again? Was this all at the expense of her life?_

_Dear Maker, why think about that now! Focus. You don’t need to be a Templar to do damage do you?_

Cullen gritted his teeth, the steel of his sword dripping black blood almost immediately as his shield repeatedly absorbed blow after blow from the scrape of the demons’ claws. There was no time for self-doubt, the period for recriminations past. All that mattered was staying alive, Cullen settling into the steady ebb and flow of cut, parry, block and thrust as he ignored the stench of dead demon. He idly blinked away the spatters of blood and sweat dripping into his eyes, his own minor discomforts as nothing whenever he caught sight of the frozen body above him, bludgeoning his way through Corypheus’ warped minions with a brute strength he didn’t realise he possessed. Seconds turned into minutes into hours, or back into seconds, Cullen losing track of time as his muscles burned and his body begged for respite. There was none to be had, only the blur of his blade as he hacked his way forwards. This skirmish was as nothing compared to the war Leaena was fighting in her mind and the only support he could offer her now was to destroy the demon horde Corypheus had called forth when he tore the skies asunder once more.

_Leaena has bought us time. Morrigan has bought us space._

_The rest is up to me._

‘Cullen! Ware to the left!’

Solas’ shout of warning came just as a wail of fury and agony ripped Cullen’s ears apart, all of them staring in horror as Morrigan hurtled to the ground with a resounding crash. Her dragon form disappeared, leaving her limp and unresponsive on the ground. The red lyrium dragon followed shortly behind, Cullen hoping against hope that the great beast was fatally wounded in the titanic struggle that had raged above their heads whilst they whittled down the remnants of Corypheus’ demon army.

‘No such luck.’ Varric spat sourly, following Cullen’s train of thought as beady red eyes assessed the small group menacingly. ‘It’s hurt and wounded but still got some fight left. Morrigan did a good job though. Thing’s semi-dead.’

‘Well, thanks to Morrigan’s tenacity and Cullen’s ferocity, we’ve only got that thing to face,’ Dorian replied merrily. ‘What, Seeker! If you can’t laugh in the face of sheer hopelessness, when else can you? I’m not going down without some good cheer, even if you want to get all maudlin about it.’

‘I’m going to assume you’re still drunk, Dorian. Thank the Maker it hasn’t impacted on your sense of humour.’ Cassandra’s terse response was nearly lost in the bellow of pain from the dragon, unable to move from its spot. ‘She did well, to cripple it so. The dragon can no longer fly or move, at least.’

‘A straightforward fight then. As much as can be expected against such a creature.’ Belatedly, Cullen realised he’d hacked his way through the last of the horde, the only two enemies left for them to face down being the dragon and Corypheus himself. ‘Dorian, go to Morrigan and check on her whilst the rest of us focus on this creature. Corypheus is tied to that thing somehow. Perhaps if we kill it, then it will draw him back from the Fade.’

‘You are right,’ Solas agreed, his next words leaving Cullen breathless with sudden pain stabbing through his chest. ‘It won’t however, pull Lea free. She has to find her own way out.’

‘One way or another she will.’ Aras’ light voice whispered gently next to him, sensing his distress. ‘She’s got more power than the lot of us put together, she is a mage of great talent and she has you to come back to. Keep the faith, Commander.’

‘You’ve got a way with words, Nugs.’ Varric grunted in approval. ‘Come on Curly. There’s a fight to be had. Ten golds says you can’t get the pointy end of that sword of yours through its right eye.’

‘Ten? Twenty says you can’t put that fancy crossbow of yours to use and get a bolt through the left eye,’ Cullen countered as they all moved into position, the banter doing little to disguise the deep unease that refused to disappear.

Varric’s retort was lost as he danced to one side to avoid the searing fire that melted a path in the snow, the belch of the dragon’s flames nearly burning them all to an immediate death. Cullen was knocked flat on his back for a second, gasping and winded as he struggled back upright.

‘Spread out wide,’ he ordered as he and Cassandra advanced forward just out of range of the dragon’s line of sight, dodging the snaking head as it tried to locate him. ‘It will confuse the creature more. And for the love of the Maker, no heroics please!’

‘Make sure you take your own advice, Cullen,’ Dorian retorted, wasting no time in snaking forward a sizzling bolt of purple energy to draw the dragon’s focus away. ‘Lea needs you whole, not barbequed.’

_She is still alive. I refuse to accept the bond is gone. If I die, she dies._

_Better make this count for her then, hadn’t you Rutherford?_

With a hoarse shout, Cullen leapt on the dragon’s wing, hacking away at a deep cut spurting bright red blood over him in a fountain of heat. The dragon’s roar of rage as it flapped the appendage ineffectively spurred him on, determined to do his utmost in this universe to return Leaena to his side. As he jumped off, rolling swiftly out of the way of a vicious swipe from a back claw, the memory of how close they’d come to finally being together threatened to incapacitate him more than any attack could.

It didn’t matter how often he told himself that this would be over and they would be victorious, nor that, the moment it happened, he was picking Leaena up and running to the nearest Chantry sister to wed them both. Cullen was fighting his own fears, far more sinister than the threat that had momentarily blocked his path to happiness, a small but significant voice screaming at him that all was not as it should be, darkspawn magisters and red lyrium dragons being the least of his problems. Squaring his shoulders and raising his shield, he ran forward to attack again, his shout of fury more in defiance of his own terror than anything else, refusing to feed his inner demons any further.

‘There! It’s spine – we need to cripple it then finish the beast off!’ Cullen stared as Aras took what could only be described as a suicidal leap onto the dragon’s back, her daggers flashing with whips of fire as they seared through the dragon’s hide. ‘I won’t be thrown and I’m lighter than you, Commander – focus on the wing once more!’

Solas had turned whiter than white as Aras flipped through the air to land on the dragon’s neck before coming to his senses, casting a shield around her that Cullen was fairly sure would remain impenetrable. The dragon didn’t seem to notice as Cullen jumped up and went back to work, each shuddering thump of its front feet shaking the ground and sending the others sprawling. The blizzard continued to wither all in its path but Cullen didn’t notice the cold. He was solely focussed on staying put as he stabbed again and again at the mass of sinew and muscle before him, his legs locked in place around the narrow join between the dragon’s body and wing.

The dragon continued to roar its frustration and anger as he continued to inflict acute pain right across its nervous system, Aras a mere newt in comparison to his hacking on such a vulnerable spot. Cassandra’s continued taunting kept the beast distracted, whipping its head around instead to snap its enormous yellow teeth inches from Cullen’s face. Trying not to think about the stench of red lyrium decay on the monster’s breath, nor that each tooth was twice the size of his head, he let his body tilt just out of range, his thighs protesting as he clung onto the last remnants of webbed wing remaining on the dragon’s left side.

The carnage was intense, blood and chunks of dragon flesh flying through the air blackening the already maimed landscape around them. He could only be grateful that it was their enemies that were coming off the worst in this current encounter, Cullen resolutely refusing to dwell on the slowly rotating bodies only a few metres away. Lances of ice smacked the dragon on either side of its face as Dorian and Solas maintained their ferocious attacks while Varric seemingly was taking Cullen’s bet seriously as crossbow bolts rained on the creature’s exposed neck, the dwarf laughingly disappearing in a puff of smoke avoiding the dragon’s bellow of fiery rage.

_Nearly there, my love…._

_Hold on for me, just one moment longer…_

‘Now, Nugs!’ Varric yelled as Cullen spat out the salty rancid taste of dragon’s blood that had shot in his mouth, finally having achieved his aim of separating most of the wing from the torso. ‘Cullen – get clear!’

As he staggered backwards, sliding from the maimed dragon’s wing made easy given how slick with blood his armour was, Cullen stared, mouth agape as Aras nimbly spun through the air, landing squarely on the dragon’s elongated neck. Her dagger was gone, replaced instead by four feet of blazing Sprit Blade as she raised her fist to implant the flaming edge right in a soft point of the dragon’s armour, weakened by Varric’s bolts. With clinical precision she lunged, her venomous snarl of retribution chilling the air further as she stabbed once right through the dragon’s heart. A quick twist of her wrist thrust the blade even deeper as the dragon arched its neck, a fountain of crimson blood showering them all as they ran out of the thrashing beast’s range.

And, just like that, the fight was over. Cullen couldn’t quite believe it, leaning heavily against his sword as he fought to keep his legs from buckling under him.

‘Lavellan!’ With an almost nonchalant somersault through the air, Aras landed nimbly on her feet, absently kneeling down to wipe the steel of her daggers clean as she ignored Solas’ barked order. ‘What were you trying to prove by that little display?’

‘Killing a life threatening foe, Solas.’ She yawned with feigned indifference as she gestured towards the greenish red globe. ‘Even Cullen has his priorities straight, given the peril Lea is in. Is now really the time to rehash a debate you yourself declared over?’

With a great effort Solas turned away from her mocking voice, staring up at the two figures Cullen hadn’t been able to tear his eyes from once he knew the dragon was truly finished. Cullen was paying little attention to anything else now he could focus his mind on the real problem at hand. The rumbling of the dragon’s carcass, the claps of thunder rolling overhead, the ferocity of the blizzard – all of it hardly registered as he quickly surveyed the plateau he was increasingly convinced Corypheus had deliberately herded them to. The snow was covering up the gore and mess of the dead, half the demons already dissolving into the atmosphere. The towering red lyrium columns that had risen out of the ground were still pulsing out their sickening light, Cullen wanting to vomit at the overpowering smell of death and corruption that seeped out from the fissures.

There was no apparent change in the deadlock the two were caught up in – a fight so deadly he knew the battle with the dragon was a mere skirmish in comparison. Frantically he looked for some small sign that anything had changed, his shoulders slumping in the sinking awareness that Leaena had yet to return.

‘It won’t be long.’ Solas promised quietly, startling Cullen out of his dejected reverie. ‘The dragon’s life force has yet to depart this world. Give it a few minutes more. Already I can sense a change.’

‘You can?’ Cullen didn’t want to know how, pushing that difficult question aside. ‘I can’t sense her at all, Maker take it!’

‘What did I tell you back at the Shrine, Cullen?’ Solas, for all the conflict that he was struggling to conceal, was gentle as he spoke. ‘You will always be able to find her, and she you. Of all the things to worry about right now, that is not high on the list. She is in the Fade, after all, fighting a battle far deadlier than any we have faced in this realm.’

Before Cullen could respond, a kernel of hope blossoming in his heart right alongside rampaging fear for Leaena’s life, he was distracted by Dorian’s urgent call.

‘We need to move her somewhere safer, quickly while we have this respite.’ Dorian had picked up Morrigan’s unmoving body, covering her with his cloak as he looked frantically about for a sheltered spot. ‘There’s no sign of any physical damage, but the mental force the dragon threw at her knocked her senseless. She won’t wake up any time soon.’

‘The best we can do is cover her up and put her in one of the tents,’ Cassandra urged, as Dorian nodded. ‘With any luck, Corypheus won’t realise that one of our own is recovering under the canvas and leave them be. Quickly though! He awakens!’

The frantic note in Cassandra’s voice had Cullen immediately looking upright once more, his heart clenching at the sight. The greenish red globe was pulsing faster, a multitude of shades skittering over the surface as one magic warred for dominance over the other. Higher and higher it rose, spinning ever faster until the sphere itself was a blur, casting a kaleidoscope of colour over Leaena’s companions and the fresh snow. The two figures inside radiated with an elemental energy so fierce Cullen was terrified Leaena would never find a path through.

Abruptly, four lines of pure white power flowed forth from the ground, forming a brilliant pyramid with the rapidly circling globe at their apex. One single line of magic shot forth, red, green, blue and white pouring forth into the Breach in a tumult of power Cullen had never experienced. They were all thrown backwards, winded, as a tumultuous roar accompanied the mana surge into the heavens, Cullen able to do little but keep his head down as the sonic blast shook the very foundations. He refused to cower, keeping his eyes closed for protection as his senses frantically sought out any sign of Leaena’s return.

Avalanches boomed in the distance as the energy surge suddenly stopped, Cullen the first to frantically scramble to his feet. He raised his sword, all traces of weariness vanishing as he stared in horror at the scene unfolding before his eyes. Two figures were hurtling through the air, the protective sphere having vanished around Leaena and Corypheus as they were flung apart, with nothing to break her fall.

‘Leaena!’ The yell that tore from his throat was unrecognisable as Cullen’s voice as he watched her body bounce slightly on impact with the solid rock. ‘Andraste save us, she’s not here!’

He was running, stumbling on the loose scree covered in melted snow, his boots gaining no traction over the slippery ground. She seemed to move further away the faster he tried to close the gap, Cullen doing his best not to howl out his frustration as he battled against the blast of icy wind to get to her side. The numbing fear that had sat in the pit of his stomach was about to consume him, even as he finally made it, his hands running frantically over her body to check for broken limbs.

_I can’t sense her._

_Why can’t I sense her!_

‘Leaena, my love,’ Cullen whispered hoarsely, heedless of Solas who’d appeared just on her other side. ‘Come back to me, please, I’ll protect you. I’ll never let you go again, please just return to me….’

Leaena’s hair was matted with ice, sticking to her temple and cheeks, flushed a hectic red in stark contrast to the chalk white of her skin. Her eyes were firmly shut, her lips bloodless, set in a thin slash of pain across her face. There was absolutely no sign of life, aside from the rapid fluttering of her pulse jumping in the hollow of her neck and the fluctuating green magic flashing intermittently from her left hand. She was hardly breathing, a lump the size of an egg on the back of her skull as a fine line of blood dripped through the white-blonde strands, turning the snow about her as red as the lyrium shards throbbing all around the plateau.

‘Leaena, Leaena,’ Cullen moaned, his tears blending with the smears of blood on her cheekbones and running rivulets down to her ears. ‘Don’t leave, Maker please don’t leave me alone….I need you so much more than you can ever understand….’

‘She is still in the Fade.’ Solas’ unnatural calm permeated the welter of terror Cullen was encased in. ‘Corypheus was dragged back, before he was ready, I suspect.’

‘So what does that mean?’ Cullen demanded, staring across at the unmoving figure of the magister, warily surrounded by the remaining companions Leaena had standing. ‘I won’t leave her here, Solas! There must be something –.’

‘She thwarted him, as did we.’ A slight smile pulled at Solas’ lips. ‘You should be aware that Corypheus lured her here deliberately, the storms triggered specifically to catch you unawares. He was expecting for her to be with a minimal force, separated out from her allies and left defenceless. There is an ancient power – but that is irrelevant. Morrigan has countered what she could, giving us an advantage he would not have expected. The main thing is Leaena has weakened him and we must hold Corypheus at bay until she finds her way back.’

‘How do you know –.’ Cullen refused to let his questions slide, his eyes penetrating Solas’ calm demeanour as Solas cast a delicate regeneration spell over Leaena’s cracked skull. ‘Solas, you will for once give me a straight answer! We have skirted round the issue for too long – .’

‘There is no time, Commander,’ Solas cut him off briskly, brusquely gesturing towards the companions warily approaching the fallen figure. ‘I have done what I can to stabilise the Inquisitor. We must give her the space she needs to return from the Fade. Only she can finish the enemy that unites us – and beware! He is awakening.’

Galvanised, Cullen jumped to his feet, his brain sluggish as he tried to comprehend all that had befallen them in a twist of events neither of them had expected so soon. That Corypheus had been lurking, waiting to strike, they’d been aware. Leaena had been impatient to deal the final blow, hoping to find a way to lure him out of hiding when they were back in the safety of Skyhold. Their foe had instead stolen a march on them, neatly hemming her in far away from help or resources, leaving them with little choice but to fight or die.

‘Death is not on the cards for today,’ Cullen muttered as he kissed Leaena’s gloved fingers, taking a second to drag off the heavy fur mantle covering his shoulders and providing what shelter he could for her. ‘I’m sorry this is so filthy, my lady, but it’s the best I can do in these somewhat trying circumstances. Rest here whilst I deal with this pestilence for you.’

Heavy fatigue was wiped from his bones as steely resolve swept through him, Cullen hastening back to the shadowy form attempting to rise. Dorian, Aras and Varric were already hampering Corypheus’ movements even as he arrogantly swiped Cassandra to one side. The Seeker didn’t a beat as she rolled across the ground and returned to harry Corypheus’ left flank. Cullen was running, this time with a ferocity in his heart he’d never felt towards any enemy before.

This was it, the final fight upon them after years of struggle, chaos, sweat and tears. Corypheus’ machinations had begun long before the rent in the sky, seeing Cullen’s brothers in arms systematically destroyed, the life he’d striven to carve out for himself destroyed beyond recognition. This was the last hurdle before he and Leaena could truly be together, setting them both free in a myriad of ways too complicated for him to explain, yet crystallising with such glaring clarity in his mind Cullen wondered how he’d been so foolish as to miss it before. From the moment the heavens had wept and Leaena had fallen from the skies, everything had been building up to this one moment.

Leaena was winning the war the only way she knew how, and it was his responsibility to enable her to continue. He was her protector and champion and never had that title been so apt as it was now. Not in Val Royeaux, surrounded by the snakes of society, nor whilst she was in the field, Cullen left in Skyhold to grind his teeth in frustration at her absence. It was here, on this Blight-forsaken mountainside that Cullen’s role as her Commander truly came into its own. Only Leaena could fight the alien magic, and it was his job to ensure she was free to do what she did best. Magic.

There was nothing for him to be afraid of, nothing for him to cower behind. Victory was in his grasp – a victory that meant so much more than just the death of another tyrant. Life was his for the taking, and Cullen had no intention of letting his own demons win through. 

_It has to be enough. She needs me._

_I will be enough._

Cullen’s roar was clearly audible above Corypheus’ shriek of fury, his bellow of defiance shaking the earth as he turned to deal a Templar’s retribution to the Inquisitor’s nemesis at long last.


	111. The Unfathomable Deep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the long delay. Life, illness etc.

Mist had taken over outside, the granite forbidding in the cold of dawn. A few russet leaves clung to the bare limbs of the trees below, their skeletal arms just visible in the gloom of morning. A tang of salt and the harsh call of seagulls was all that Lea registered as she stared unblinking out beyond the confines of the luxurious quarters, embracing the sting of early frost on her naked skin as she inhaled deeply, slowly stepping out onto the terrace beyond.

 It was always the same, the roiling self-loathing in the pit of her stomach a permanent part of her being as she forcibly repressed her doubts for the hundredth time since waking. There was no room for her insecurities, no room to contemplate another life. The Circle was all she’d ever have and there was only one route for her to take – up.

_No matter the cost, to me or anyone else._

_There is only survival._

Dispassionately she turned and walked back into the bedroom, leaving the terrace doors wide open. The lingering smell of bodies, sex and alcohol was overpowering, the sticky dampness and ache between her legs and thighs a physical reminder of just how far she’d gone this time to force the inevitable along a little bit faster. It wouldn’t be long now, Lea judged, idly twirling a messy strand of hair with her second finger, the elaborate arrangement she’d spent hours on yesterday rapidly unravelling once her nocturnal exertions had begun in earnest.

Lea glanced around at the scatter of underclothes and robes across the room, in so much disarray one could almost apply the word debauched to the previous evening’s entertainment. Wine glasses and flagons were left half-finished, rouge marks clearly pressed against the crystal rims in a suggestive invitation for more. The thick red rugs by the fire were disturbed, the furniture out of place as Lea found ways to utilise a chair even she hadn’t thought possible. Various oils and the tricks of a madam’s trade were left discarded around the room, lingerie designed for nothing but seduction lying forgotten at the foot of the bed.

Rapidly she cleaned herself off and dressed, each item of clothing insulating her against the hate that threatened to blow her composure to shreds. The biggest gamble she’d ever pulled off was about to come to fruition and she had no intention of greeting her future looking anything less than the embodiment of the aloof, untouchable mage she’d worked so hard to cultivate all these years. Plaiting her hair into a long braid, she smoothed down the blue enchanter robes before strapping her staff back on, satisfied that the excesses of the previous evening were nowhere to be seen.

The urge to scour her skin till she bled and burn herself under boiling water to make an attempt at feeling clean was overpowering. Her nails tore at her skin as she closed her eyes and drew a deep shuddering breath, waiting for the crawling sensation of despair to pass. Uncertainty would kill her. Now, she had to focus.

Steeling herself, Lea looked back onto the bed itself, a mass of tangled sheets and bare limbs. No matter that the limbs were firm, muscular and a blatant reminder of all that could have been. The screaming in her soul was encased in a wall of ice, no one more ruthless than her when it came to walling off her emotions. It didn’t matter how she used her body, she reminded herself coolly. It was a tool, nothing more, to build the security that had been stripped from her the moment her magic had manifested itself as a child.

Leaena Trevelyan was alone, and always would be. And that meant she only had herself to rely on.

‘Up so soon, princess?’ A low chuckle was thick with sleep and lust. ‘I thought after such a strenuous performance last night you’d need more rest.’

‘I am not the one in need of sleep it seems. Did I not make you beg enough last night?’ Lea drawled, turning slowly on her heel towards the muted burst of laughter. ‘Really Arine, I don’t know why you waited until last night to make your true intentions known.’

_Duplicitous cow that you are._

‘Shh!’ Arine giggled as she sat upright, not bothering to pull the sheets over her breasts, rosy nipples erect in the cool room. ‘Maker, Lea, have a care for those of us who aren’t ice mages. This room is colder than Lydia’s stony heart.’

‘And there was me thinking you and she were an item.’ Another voice, gravelly and hoarse from sated exhaustion cut through Arine’s scathing dismissal of her supposed soulmate. ‘Just goes to show, things are never as they seem. Although last night was unexpected, even for you, my _lady_ Trevelyan.’

Max hadn’t bothered to move from the bed, one swarthy hand caressing Arine’s exposed breast as he ignored her feigned protest. His grin widened as she arched her back and hissed in pleasure, her eyes closing and her legs parting to allow the other hand to snake in between. Tousled hair the colour of obsidian fell carelessly over emerald eyes that were surprisingly assessing, given his current preoccupation in tormenting the redhead writing in ecstasy next to him. Lea merely raised one eyebrow at the scene unfolding in front of her even as Max’s eyes remained locked on hers, silently daring her to join them or expose what her true purpose had been.

_For what it’s worth, I am sorry, my friend. More than you will ever know._

_When will the price become too high?_

Lea didn’t jump as the other two did, the door to Max’s chamber suddenly hammered on repeatedly. Nonchalantly she flicked a hand and a woman tumbled through the suddenly open space, the door flying open as the seals were broken.

‘You…..I didn’t think even you would…st-stoop so low……how could you Arine!’

Lydia’s trembling voice belied the simmering fury in the mage’s molten eyes as the other Enchanter absorbed the scene in front of her with increasing disgust and horror. Max had released his hold on Arine, merely lying back on the pillows and watching Lea was a glimmer of cynical understanding as realisation dawned. Arine, for her part, had only the presence of mind to grab the sheets to cover her nudity, her face chalk white as she regarded the appearance of her lover in abject horror.

‘Jealous, Lydia?’ Lea inserted a tone of boredom into her voice as she flicked the white-blonde braid over one shoulder. ‘You should be thanking me for doing you a service. Love really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be is it?’

‘Thanking….there are no depths to which you won’t stoop!’ Arine gasped, dragging the sheet off the bed as she scampered off the bed, falling on the floor in an inelegant heap. ‘This was all your doing, you bitch!’

‘I don’t recall being the one begging to stay with Max and me last night. No one coerced you into it. I also don’t recall being the one to so quickly dismiss a much-vaunted love affair as little more than a convenience that had long outlived its usefulness.’ There was no humour in Lea’s tone, just icy disdain as she cut Arine’s pitiful attempts at deflection short. ‘All this, you have bought upon yourself. Sleeping with the enemy indeed. Never did anyone provide a finer example than you last night – nor one more enthusiastic.’

Max still said nothing even at Lea’s provocation, his magnificent bare form on full display as Arine sought to distance herself from the two of them. Not remotely embarrassed by his own nudity, his eyes remained fixed on Lea, the steady hardening of his gaze along with sardonic acknowledgement of the inevitable shattering the last tiny corner of Lea’s wistful hopes as he realised the true extent of her plan.

_It doesn’t matter. There is no room for such nonsense as love._

_He was never yours to have in the first place, remember?_

She couldn’t allow herself to go there. Ever. He had been more than willing, after all, following years of flirtation that had only become more suggestive, mainly at her insistence. Lea was ever alert to the political opportunities that a timely seduction could bring, and they didn’t come in a better package than the Sprit mage watching her with ever-increasing empathy. Max was six and a half feet of pure desire, the expanse of tanned, ripped muscle she’d often caught herself fantasising about finally hers for the taking the previous night.

_Not to mention the intelligence, the humor, the understanding._

_I just didn’t expect to fall in….._

Inwardly, Lea shook herself, slamming shut emotions that would cripple her. Regrets were for the weak. She would never be in that position again.

It was the oddest tableau, the scene from a courtesan’s boudoir disintegrating so rapidly into a lover’s quarrel, the proportions of which Lea needed to fan just a little brighter in order for the whole sordid mess to reach the conclusion she needed. The final piece in the puzzle that would see her security and place in the Circle confirmed at last.

‘You’ll pay for this!’ Arine gasped as she scuttled away from Lea with a hint of fear in her eyes. ‘You must have used something….’

‘Oh come now,’ Max barked out a harsh laugh as Lydia’s wild gaze darted between the two of them. ‘Do I look like I need to drug a woman to get her into bed?’

‘Indeed not,’ Lea purred, wondering how she’d ever thank Max properly for his support as she watched Arine gather huge volumes of magic, her control all but gone. ‘That’s a serious accusation to make, Arine. In front of a Senior Enchanter no less. Especially given this whole setup was your idea and not mine. I was more than happy to oblige you in discovering just how satisfying a male lover can be….’

‘Lies! You’re lying!’

‘Arine, no! Don’t….it’s what she wants!’

Simultaneously as a wall of flames engulfed Lea’s unprotected form, a shimmering barrier appeared around her. Pandemonium had broken out as Arine’s temper snapped, lashing out in fury at the woman who’d been her bitter rival the first moment Lea had stepped into the Circle. Her rage was fuelling her power, Lea mused detachedly as she strengthened the shields Max had hastily flung around them both. Blast after blast engulfed her as a satisfied smile curled around her lips, Lydia having dashed out into the hall in a vain attempt to prevent the incoming Templar presence that would spell their ultimate downfall.

Just as soon as it had started it was over, the sudden dampness of her magic being cut off always making Lea shudder in revulsion. Two Templars strode purposefully into the room, swords drawn at the ready. Arine’s face was contorted in agony as Lydia sank down to her knees, her pain at her loved one’s terror at odds with her own heartbreak at having been played false. Her own control had slipped by this point as she did her best to shield the two warriors from Arine’s uncontrollable sobs with her body, with blatant disregard to Ostwick’s relaxed rule.

‘Senior Enchanter, you are preventing us from securing the prisoner.’ The quiet authority in the Lieutenant’s voice didn’t seem to penetrate Lydia’s misery. ‘I will allow it for thirty seconds while you explain why this mage was allowed to use magic against another mage, and in an unauthorised area.’

‘The slut over there -!’ Lydia spat, as the Templar dispels held Arine immobile. ‘This is her doing –.’

‘I see no trace of Enchanter Trevelyan’s magic, aside from residual barrier spells for her own protection.’ The Lieutenant frowned down at the two women, the carnage of the previous night seemingly of little interest. ‘The only evidence is one mage attacking another, in blatant disregard for the Circle’s order –.’

‘No!’ Lydia shouted, all that she had worked for against Lea suddenly crumbling before her eyes as she too lost her wits. ‘You stupid Templars! Look around you! The heartless bitch has you all exactly where she wants you! Did she fuck you all into compliance as well? Learned your lesson’s well didn’t you, you fucking whore….’

Her shouts turned to wails as she was unceremoniously dumped over one shoulder by the junior Templar, the Lieutenant gesturing to the other two Templars who’d just entered the room to remove a sobbing Arine for further judgement. In a matter of seconds it was over, Lea hardly able to believe that all her planning, all that she’d worked so hard for, was finally winning out. The room was empty aside from herself and Max, the Lieutenant turning to face them on his way out.

‘You will both be summoned to witness in the next hour. I would advise that you spend more time in your own quarters, Lea. And Max, get some bloody clothes on.’ For the first time, Max’s cousin’s face softened as he regarded the two of them seriously, Lea sagging inwardly with relief as she felt her magic slowly return. ‘You played that close to the wire, Lea, although how I am going to hide the truth from Trystan is beyond me. You’re both of a rank and I am not going to interfere in your personal lives so long as there is no risk to security at the Circle. But have a care with how far you push the boundaries.’

Neither of them said anything in return as the door closed firmly, Lea’s fists clenched in a mixture of elation and an emotion she didn’t want to name as shame as she cast her eyes downward in a pretence of submission. She had what she wanted, at long last.

 ‘Well done, Senior Enchanter Trevelyan, or at least you soon will be after that display.’ Lea had been so caught up in a welter of emotions she hadn’t noticed her old friend dragging his clothes on, facing her with an expressionless mask. ‘That had to be months in the planning. Couldn’t you have found a way to bring them down without involving me?’

_Was it worth the cost, to lose Max and maybe myself in the process?_

_Will it ever be? But what other choice do they leave me? Survive or die._

‘Don’t tell me you didn’t enjoy that as much as I did –.’ Lea’s casual dismissal died in her throat as, for the first time, a chink of emotion broke free in Max’s otherwise steady gaze. ‘I – this isn’t just for me. They were a threat to you too. That it has an added benefit in that Lydia will stop bullying you – well, it all helps…..’

‘Do I look like I need protecting, Lea? Or at least I thought I didn’t, until a few minutes ago. Now it seems I need to steel myself against something else entirely.’ Max’s voice didn’t waver as his damming words hit Lea hard. ‘Last night was for you, and only you. Arine was but a mild distraction. Because I thought sex could lead to something more, even in this Blighted place. Because I’d hoped desperately that your ambition wouldn’t extend to your friends. I only have myself to blame, as to not seeing your true motivations – and I really can’t blame you, given all you’ve been through. You’re a creature of your circumstances just as much as Vivienne was.’

Tiny pieces of her soul shattered further as Max made a comparison she couldn’t bear to think about, the only other person she’d truly counted friend since Maraeid’s abrupt departure ruined by her machinations.

_Strange how you have a habit of doing that, isn’t it Inquisitor?_

_Such an apt comparison to a woman who you supposedly could never bear to emulate. Yet here you are…._

She blinked at the unwanted invasion in her head, pulling her robe tightly around her shoulders. ‘Max!’ she called desperately, her victory turning to dust as she finally appreciated the true cost. ‘I didn’t mean it to end this way.’

‘Oh but you did. Don’t try and bullshit me, not after all we’ve been through.’ Max’s ruggedly handsome face was stark as he raked his fingers resignedly through his hair. ‘There’s only one slot for Senior Enchanter now Lydia’s out of it, and that’s going to go to you, seeing as Arine will never be allowed out of the apprentice quarters ever again. Maker only knows when there will be another. Besides, you’re a noble and I’m not – that shit still matters – what the fuck is the point in this? I won’t settle for anything less than your heart, Lea, frozen though it seems to be. Was it ever even mine to demand?’

‘I – Lydia was Vivienne’s creature! They left me no choice…..if things had been different then maybe…..’ Lea faltered, unable to make the promise he yearned for, the swift lance of pain through Max’s eyes vanishing as his gaze became hooded. ‘You know why….please forgive me….’

‘There is nothing to forgive. I knew what I was walking into last night – I took a gamble and I lost. You are who you are and, dearest Lea, I would never change you even though it means you’re forever lost to me….’

A hard kiss left her breathless, bruising in its finality and leaving her heartbroken as Max released her, his long strides rapidly taking him to the door. The loud slam shut held all his thwarted rage and frustration at what could have been. Both of them had danced around each other for too long for Lea to pretend the whole night had been meaningless. She blinked again as a sheen of red spattered across her vision, questioning for the first time whether she’d been stripped of all vestiges of her humanity in Montsimmard. She’d fought for the last four years for the chance to rise up through the ranks, for this chance to secure her status. The fear that dogged her every calculation had disappeared in the face of a love she’d used as heartlessly as she had her enemies.

Now, there was no impediment to her success. She would be safe, safe from Vivienne and her cronies, the woman’s tentacles extending even to the sleepy Ostwick Circle….

‘Fuck,’ Lea swore softly as the world shifted, the low hum of the Fade buzzing in her ears. ‘Taunting me with memories of the dead won’t get you very far, Corypheus. I live with their ghosts every hour of every day.’

‘You are more alike than you realise.’ She had no idea where Corypheus’ voice was coming from, the menacing low echo smothering her as she started to walk through a landscape devoid of life to find her way out. ‘This is the Fade, Inquisitor. You are responsible for your own conscience, not me.’

It had been like this since the force of their magic had flung them both into the Fade, memory after memory scattered across the empty space as she sought to escape. Lea’s fists were balled by her side, her mind working overtime as she tried to plot her exit back to reality. That Corypheus was manipulating her somehow she had no doubt. The searing pain in her chest, Max’s never-forgotten face seeming to appear in every dustcloud around her, was going a long way in ensuring Corypheus got his way.

Yet, of all the nightmares she’d been sent since her very first exposure to red lyrium all those months ago in the Storm Coast, this was not what she’d become resigned to. Corypheus had abruptly changed tactics over the last few days, hitting her memories right where she’d kept them.

_Hidden. Permanently, I thought. Especially from Cullen._

_What would he think of me, if he truly knew the extent of it all?_

Lea had always meant to tell him, finding the words to describe a past that left her burning with remorse almost impossible. The miniscule amount she’d let slip on her past had seen amber eyes filled with compassion and understanding, with no rebuke for behaviour which, on the surface was at best calculating and at worst, downright immoral.

Yet, just as he’d started to open up to her, she realised he deserved to have nothing but the same in return. She knew what had given Cullen his reputation as one of the most ruthless Templars and had always been aware that there was far more to his story than simply being Meredith’s pet bully. Cullen, however, had no real clue as to the depths of her mercilessness, and she was terrified of the reaction. It didn’t matter that she’d not once behaved in such a fashion once the debacle of the White Spire changed everything for mages. By the time Lea had ended up with the alien magic in her body, that life had long been consigned to a history she never wanted to repeat. But it was still there, a dead weight on her soul, Aras’ completely unexpected arrival throwing up all kinds of emotions Lea didn’t want to analyse.

_Especially not in the bloody Fade!_

_And, Maker take it, this bastard is using that against me, to hold me here somehow._

‘So here you are, still trapped.’ The mocking rasp assailed Lea’s ears as she did her best to ignore him, dusting down the black leather of her armour as she gathered herself together. ‘While I have returned to finish the job you so rudely interrupted a year ago.’

‘Is that so?’ Lea retorted scornfully into the empty nothingness, refusing to be cowed even as her pulse raced, panic beginning to set in. ‘You might be, but yet here I still am. About to return to reality, not the warped past you decided to throw me into. Weakened you already, haven’t I, by waking up out of the past in the first place? Is your pet dragon dead too, rendering you mortal just like the rest of us?’

‘Enjoy your splendid isolation, Lady Trevelyan,’ Corypheus’ smug arrogance didn’t waver as his voice faded. ‘I’ve just provided what your heart desired, after all…..’

Shaking her head to convince herself that the madman had gone for now, Lea shook off the residual fog slowing her senses, the sharp pang of a painful vision she’d thought long buried lurking once more at the forefront of her regrets. This was the final, desperate battle in her mind as Corypheus fought for dominance over her will once more in this, his last-ditch attempt to gain control of the Anchor throbbing dully in her left hand. Aras’ terrified face flashed across her vision right before the memory of Cullen’s trust and love swept through her, Lea even in this land of shadows able to feel through the pulse of her magic just how much he’d sacrificed to give her the strength she’d needed to save them all.

There was literally nothing around her but a dim haze and loose shingle under her boots as she stared through the mist for a sign of escape. Corypheus was now doing his best to ensure she never escaped. It was another, uninhabited part of the Fade she’d never encountered, Lea absently wondering just how huge the place truly was.

‘As big as lifetime of regrets, I suppose,’ she muttered, feeling resolve flood through her as the memory of Cullen’s laughing face danced across her vision. ‘It does not end here! I did not come all this fucking way to let this cripple me now! If you can make it out, my love, then so can I.’

_Of all the regrets though….why this one, now?_

All too often, Lea had cast her mind back to that bloody day where she’d fled for her life, rescued yet again by her devoted brother and a man she’d never mentioned to her future husband. Lea was all too willing to bury her mistakes alongside a youthful love that had never meant to be. Her friend and onetime lover had died in the flames that destroyed Ostwick Circle that fateful day, giving his life so that others could escape. By the time Lea had managed to reach Max it had been too late, the wicked grin and careless laugh gone, his face smashed almost beyond recognition by those who’d sworn to protect him. Trystan had shaken his head in sorrow and dragged her away, Lea too numb with terror and sadness to register the flames already licking over his lifeless corpse.

There had been no time to say good bye. As ever, she’d left it too late.

‘Good at that, aren’t you?’ Lea thumped her fists to her sides, forcing herself to focus on the task at hand. ‘Maybe that’s a subliminal message there whilst you sit around feeling sorry for yourself! Is history going to repeat itself during your pity party, the world ending in the process?’

It wouldn’t help Cullen if she succumbed to the mind-numbing paranoia, that she’d not been honest with him. That he didn’t realise what she truly was, just how cruelly she’d used people to claw her way to a place where she’d be secure. What she’d pulled with Arine, Max and Lydia had sealed her status as Senior Enchanter, Lea passing her tests with flying colours, proving her readiness for the role beyond question. Except….

_I didn’t sleep my way to the top! Not once! I was careful to never have that accusation hurled at me at least….._

_You used sex to get you what you wanted. How is that different?_

‘I am a coward,’ she said sullenly to the mists. ‘It doesn’t matter what I have been through as Herald, as Inquisitor. I have not been honest with him. Lying by omission.’

Not for one moment did it occur to Lea that Cullen already had a very good idea of what she’d been exposed to in her life, the burdens he’d taken on at the Shrine of Dumat to protect her reaching further than he’d ever be prepared to confess to her. Guilt was corrosive in her stomach, guilt that her companions and the man she’d die for were battling a foe so deadly the world would be wiped out if they didn’t succeed. While she was doing exactly what the enemy wanted, caught up in a welter of negativity and self-doubt, keeping her trapped…..

‘That’s it!’ Lea breathed, a humourless smile tugging at her lips as she caught the now-obvious trap. Corypheus had lived in her mind, knew exactly which buttons to push to keep her where he wanted.

‘This ends now. I have you, and you won’t escape from me this time. Focus Lea, on what is important…..’

With an effort, Lea pulled her mind away from actions that haunted her still, Cullen’s warming presence inside her soul a reminder of all that she was fighting for. She refused to give into the fear, the trademark tool that Corypheus always tried to manipulate her with. There would be time for self-reflection and regret after she killed him for once and for all. The Inquisition was meant to have been her chance to atone, her chance to give back all she’d stolen from the very people she was supposed to have supported. Now, her moment had finally arrived. She would defeat Corypheus and in it, find her own redemption. She could deal with the questions she’d never had answers to later.

_And you have given me the means find myself, by exposing your soul as I did for you._

The panic had receded as Lea sat down to close her eyes, starting a mind practice Solas had taught her only a few weeks previously. Cullen was there, residing in the very essence of her being, the power of the cobalt firing her own mana giving her a level of strength and insight she’d not realised possible. She missed Cullen, more than she could ever put words to, battling aside the terror that she’d never see him again if she failed to escape.

All she had to do was find him.

_Where are you, my love?_

_My true Anchor, not this false one burning in my hand….._

Her breathing calmed and her senses extended around her, Lea opening her spirit and emptying her thoughts. Her chest rose and fell as her body calmed, searching deep within herself for the life force that had been freely given. Here, in the Fade where millions of spirits resided, she was almost overwhelmed by the presences seeking to possess her, their wailing voices of loneliness and hunger battering against the barriers she’d erected. All her efforts instead focused on Cullen to drown them out, the one point of sanity she’d had in a life tainted all too often by madness.

_The way one corner of his mouth crooks up when he’s taken aback by something but in a good way, his laughter when we were running around Skyhold and he only had my cloak to protect him from the elements, the sincerity and anxiety that I’d say no in those beautiful amber eyes when he asked me to marry him…..as if I would ever turn him down!_

Her mind cleared and the demons trying to break through abruptly stopped as a serene smile spread of Lea’s lips and her mind calmed. The simple truth was before her, waiting for her to step forward and embrace the future. She’d always be able to find her way back to Cullen, his lifeblood a beacon to her even in this world between worlds. There he was, a flame of deepest blue, his pulse steady and secure in a sea of souls flickering through all the colours of a rainbow.

‘Simple, isn’t it?’ Solas said quietly inside her mind. ‘I taught you this technique exactly in case that foolish magister tried to pull something so obvious as to bind you in the Fade.’

‘Falon?’ Lea replied in blunt confusion. ‘How are you….’

‘Don’t focus on that right now. Things are a little busy on the surface, and I don’t have long.’ Despite his apparent tension, Solas was patient as he continued. ‘There is much you do not know, much that I have hidden from you out of necessity. All you need to do is waken. You have the tools to find your way back already.’

‘I know what I have to do.’ Lea for one second wondered if she’d finally gone mad. ‘What do you mean, you’ve hidden much? That’s been apparent for ages so why won’t you tell me!’

‘Hurry, Inquisitor, we don’t have much time! The Nightmare stirs!’ Solas’ snapped order reverberated round her head, even as a sharp point of light began to expand through the dark. ‘He’s trying to infect you with the Blight once more as it’s the only way his soul can possess another. You have to absorb all of Cullen’s being just as he absorbed yours to save you.’

‘Solas, dammit, this makes no sense!’ Lea’s fear boiled over, all composure vanished as she felt her form being forcibly pushed into the mists, trying frantically to cling onto the whispering echoes of his voice. ‘Where are you?’

‘It’s too late…..you must hurry before all is lost – this is the best I can do but ware the Nightmare! I will always value our time together, da’len. You have taught me much I did not realise possible. In spite of all that is to come, I hope you remember our friendship was not for nothing…..’

The light was too bright for her suddenly, a thousand lashes across her brain at the sudden invasion. Lea was gasping, her body yanked in a million different directions and terror choking her as Cullen’s blue flame began to fade, swallowed up in a sudden morass of churning red lyrium. Desperately she focused all her efforts on that one flame, ignoring the bile that rose up her throat as she clung on with all the energy she had left. Faster and faster the sands shifted beneath her feet as Lea let out a scream of frustration, her head submerging beneath the surface and her world abruptly going black, the only thing imprinted on her vision a glowing spirit of cobalt, fading into the void as all she knew slipped away.

\-----

_Render him immobile. That was my plan._

_I’m no longer a Templar and my brilliant plan didn’t work. Now what?_

‘Ah Commander Cullen. We meet at last.’ Cullen stared stonily at the slowly advancing magister, fighting the enormous pressure building in his head. ‘Your fame precedes you. Such great things we could have achieved together, if your silly little Inquisitor hadn’t taken it into her head to defy me.’

‘I think not, Corypheus,’ Cullen replied irritably, doing his best to keep the magister talking so Aras could recover from the blast of lightening she’d been engulfed in. ‘Service under one lunatic was more than enough for one lifetime. A pity Samson didn’t seem to learn that particular lesson. His inferiority reflects upon his superiors does it not?’

Corypheus’ snarl of rage at the mention of his General’s failure – an extension of his own, made Cullen grin suddenly in anticipation. The magister, for all his towering ego and arrogance, was still on some fundamental level a man, able to be needled and frustrated if he played his cards right. Unbalanced as Corypheus was, it was no bad thing to try and tip him further over the edge.

‘Where is she now, your lady love? Such a trip down memory lane we took. One man after another, disaster on top of disaster.’ Corypheus taunted him back, Cullen refusing to budge an inch at the provocation. ‘Something you’d know all about, wouldn’t you Commander? Failure begets failure, after all – and this one about to be your biggest.’

‘Is that the best you can threaten me with?’ Cullen gave what to his ears was a maniacal laugh, his sword raised high as he prepared to strike. ‘Let’s see how well your powers work now your dragon is dead! You’ll bleed just like the next man, you bastard, especially once I shred that black heart of yours to pieces. That evil magic of yours you abused to prolong your life no longer exists!’

‘She is never coming back, Commander. This sparring match of ours wears thin. There will be plenty of time to reflect on the sheer multitude of your mistakes when you join the Inquisitor on the other side of the Veil!’

The singe of burnt hair and the bite of fire in his wrist was warning enough for Cullen, ducking his head and rolling sideways out of range of a blistering fireball searing from Corypheus’ hands. The backswipe from the magister’s enormous fist crumpled Cassandra’s shield as she flung it to one side, immediately parrying with a mighty swipe of her sword. Solas was casting barrier after barrier over them all, in between mind blasts so strong they knocked Corypheus’ head to one side. Dorian and Aras would then follow up, hailstorms with ice chunks so large their enemy was hampered from further movement. Varric darted in and out, volleys of poisoned bolts thudding into Corypheus’ flanks, each one slowing him down more.

The clash of steel against Corypheus’ claws drew sparks as he spun, his shield hammering hard into Corypheus’ exposed right side. He was drenched in demon bile and gore from the dragon, the toxicity of the red lyrium from the monster’s bood weakening him further. Yet still he had to remain standing, had to remain fighting, her sword and shield exactly when Leaena when she needed him the most.

‘She isn’t worth it you know,’ a needling voice inside his mind hissed, Cullen recoiling from the violation as he narrowly avoided being decapitated. ‘All this time she has demanded you be honest, and has she even bothered to return the favour?’

‘I do not know what you are, but you will get out of my head. Now.’ His low growl did little to dissuade the mocking laughter, Cullen’s shield arm just able to withstand a crushing blow from Corypheus’ fist.

‘Marvellous,’ Dorian laughed cynically as he distracted the magister with a shocking current of electricity, catching Varric unawares as a bolt rebounded from Corypheus’ shields onto the unsuspecting dwarf. ‘Our esteemed Commander is talking to himself in the middle of a battle. Try to do the decent thing, and not to lose your marbles until after the fight, dear fellow. Lea has need of you until then – do watch out, Varric!’

‘Very funny, Sparkler,’ Varric grunted, leaping up onto a ledge that had risen up next to Cullen and blasting apart one of Corypheus’ ribs as a crossbow bolt hammered home. ‘Next time you want to kill me, give me a bit of advance warning at least.’

‘You needed waking up,’ Dorian called unrepentantly. ‘May as well have some fun before I die, wouldn’t you say?’

No one responded, all of them only too grimly aware that death would soon be a reality if the Inquisitor remained motionless on the ground. No matter how much damage they were dealing Corypheus it seemed to make little difference, each attack doing little but delay the inevitable no matter how much force went into the strike. All they could do was buy time for Leaena until she found her way out of the prison she’d been trapped in, Cullen’s heart sinking as he recalled just how vicious that place in her mind could be.

‘There is always another way, Commander.’ The grating wrongness of Corypheus in his head made Cullen want to vomit, all of them sent sprawling to the ground by a thunderous earthquake. ‘Serve me and the Inquisitor will live, both of you as my trusted captains bringing order to a world destroyed by chaos.’

‘Only in my nightmares,’ Cullen growled with renewed fervour, he and Cassandra scrambling back to their feet and protecting the others as they recovered. ‘I would rather be dead than bow to you and so would Leaena!’

‘So be it,’ Corypheus shouted in rage, spinning in the air as a tumult of magical attacks pelted Cullen, forcing him to his knees. ‘I shall take great pleasure in bending you both to my will! Such insubordination will not be tolerated!’

Desperate though he felt, terrified that this truly might be the end if he failed, something suddenly became apparent to Cullen as he braced himself to withstand the next attack. Corypheus hadn’t simply crushed them, nor taken what he wanted. He was still trying to cajole, still trying to persuade them both to join him.

_She is resisting him! There is hope yet!_

Rejuvenated, Cullen leapt back into battle, surprising both the magister and Lea’s companions with the ferocity of his attack. Leaena was somehow circumventing Corypheus, keeping them all alive and very much in the fight. There could be no other explanation for the pathetic attempt at subverting him, no other reason to be doing his best to beat her companions down. Their enemy was frantic to ensure Leaena didn’t awaken, using her unique combination of magic to destroy him in a way brute force never could. All they needed was a bit more time.

The only way Corypheus could attack Leaena was though him. As long as he remained standing, she would be safe. A grim smile pulled at Cullen’s lips as he faced their enemy head on once more, refocussing on the task at hand.

‘We have this!’ His new knowledge let his sword arm strength, a crashing slice across Corypheus’ right flank sending the magister staggering backwards, black blood spewing from the gash. ‘There are two fronts to this battle! Let’s even the odds for the Inquisitor, shall we?’

‘You don’t need to tell me,’ Varric shouted back with a bark of laughter, the sound of Bianca’s song thrumming through the air as each poisoned bolt thudded into the magister’s leg. ‘I like long odds, after all. Have you ever not known me to back the winner, Curly?’

‘I’ll take that bet,’ Dorian agreed, the suicidal nature of his ferocious attacks wrongfooting Corypheus again. ‘Fifty golds, Varric, says I land more on target than you. And you bring me that Tevinter vintage you’ve been promising these last six months.’

‘Urgh!’ Cassandra rolled her eyes, working seamlessly with Cullen as they continued to harry Corypheus on either side, Solas and Aras too focussed to join in. ‘Don’t the two of you ever do anything else?’

The reckless banter served one purpose – to keep morale up when they were all beyond exhausted. Snarls of rage and deluded ranting from Corypheus almost went unnoticed to Cullen. Every time he spun round to dodge another attack he saw Leaena’s lifeless body unmoving in the snow. They all knew that, unless she recovered, they were dead. The Inquisitor was the only one with the power to defeat Corypheus, ending a threat to Thedas which had never been seen. All they could do was buy her time until she returned.

_You will come back…._

Gritting his teeth, he refused to let the dark dread creep through his heart, the emotional battle inside his heart even more intense than the physical battle he was engaged with. With inhuman speed, he struck out at Corypheus once more, a prayer to the Maker on his lips as he begged for Leaena’s safe return. Faith was all that was left to him, Cullen hoping against hope that, for one last time, it would be enough.

\-----

_Nonononononononononono how can this be!_

_I was so careful!_

Sapphire blue eyes stared back at her in the mirror, Lea staring hard at herself as she searched for a hint of any change. Her skin was flawless with just the lightest of rosy flushes across her cheeks to hint at any sign of discomposure. Flicking her gaze across the deep red robes that demarked her Senior Enchanter status, her hands rested lightly on her hips, scowling at her usual appearance.

Outwardly, nothing was different, but everything had changed.

Grappling with indecision, Lea spun away from the mirror, looking at the black vial resting on her desk before one hand fluttered to her abdomen in an unconscious protective gesture. Grimacing, she looked down at her belly before picking up the vial and flinging it viciously out of the window. By that one action, she knew she’d just sealed her fate and there was only one thing left to do.

_I have to tell him._

_Now._

Before she could reject the idea for the millionth time, Lea fled her quarters. She was practically running through the whitewashed walls of Kirkwall’s Circle, remembering just in time to slow her pace to avoid notice by the Templars who were stationed in such liberal numbers no matter where she moved. This, of all things, she did not want to draw attention to. The usual oppression that lurked in every corridor was doing nothing for Lea’s state of mind, the mild queasiness escalating rapidly to full-blown need to lose the contents of her stomach. Eyes followed her rapid but measured progress towards the Knight-Captain’s office, each one judging and scorning all that Lea stood for.

She couldn’t think on that now, the repression of herself as an individual and all she’d been born with, the suspicion and hatred levelled at her on a daily basis by those who were supposed to keep her protected. The corrosive rage that burned through her veins as she kept her eyes lowered threatened to choke her. Her anger was directed at two people for now. The rest could come later.

The anger propelled her along, right before she knew it, in front of his office, knowing without asking that Cullen would be there. She knew where he was, at any given time of day or night. Nothing had prepared her for the shock of such a connection, nor such an intimate invasion into her privacy. Cullen had never mentioned it to anyone, mainly because he was in denial of being so attached to a mage in the first place. The fury and loathing she felt was almost enough to counter out the sorrow for the sheer magnitude of pain that overwhelmed her at times. She’d never thought she’d feel sympathy for a Templar in her life, but with Cullen, it had been difficult not to.

_Just wasn’t quite enough Lea, was it?_

_Anger is good. Remember that._

Lea supposed she should be grateful that Senior Enchanters didn’t have to ask permission to visit Templars. A small ray of relief in a myriad of petty rules and draconic regulations designed to keep mages firmly under control.

‘Enter!’

The order as she rapped smartly on the door only served to add to Lea’s fury. Taking a deep breath, reminding herself that now was not the time for confrontation she strode into the room, cursing her foolish heart for the skip it gave as she caught sight of the ridiculously handsome Knight-Captain frowning at a map of Kirkwall. In the dim light of the candles his hair was burnished golden, the hard lines of his jaw shaded by shadows of stubble. The traces of lines on his forehead were the only sign of Cullen’s disquiet, his eyes dark with questions as they rested on her. Whether they were questions for her or for himself, Lea couldn’t say. She was consumed with the need to speak, to the exclusion of even her own safety.

Letting the door swing closed, she cast a barrier to ward their conversation, not bothering to ask permission from a man who she knew would never hurt her. How she was so certain Lea had no idea, just a conviction from what she could sense. Despite all evidence pointing towards the fact that he was nearly as zealous as their hated Knight-Commander. Lea, in her more charitable moments, liked to think that Cullen was misunderstood. Right now, however, she wasn’t interested, aware the moment she’d stepped foot into the room that this conversation was going to be anything but pleasant.

‘Senior Enchanter.’ Cullen’s low voice was clipped, the tumult of his usual desire and hate nearly driving Lea to her knees. ‘What can I do for you this evening?’

‘So formal, Knight-Captain,’ Lea sneered, not sure whether it was her disgust or his taking over her brain. ‘I thought we’d moved past the point of cold courtesy at the very least.’

‘If you’re here to mock me over a regrettable indiscretion then you’ve had a wasted journey.’ His expression turned stony, Cullen folding his arms as his lips pressed in a thin line. ‘I, at least, know the meaning of duty.’

‘Does that keep you warm at night?’ Lea mocked, the sting of being so summarily dismissed adding to her anger. ‘Andraste’s ashes, you sound like such fun. I know what I’d rather be doing and it doesn’t involve killing myself over some misguided sense of honour.’

‘And there it is. You mages don’t know what’s good for you,’ Cullen snapped, one hand instinctively gripping the hilt of his sword as he fought to control his temper. ‘Consider yourself fortunate that you have Templars on hand to remind you of just what the Maker had intended for those born with such a curse.’

‘Oh lucky us,’ Lea quipped, pleased to see her goading was raising Cullen’s normally unshakable ire. ‘If those reminders include beatings, rape, murder and Tranquil at a rate five times higher than any other Circle in southern Thedas. Yes, Cullen, what a way you have to remind us!’

‘You have no proof!’ Cullen retorted, his frustration at the accusations she’d levelled at him since she’d transferred from Ostwick all too apparent. ‘I have told you time and time again, Leaena, that I can do nothing without evidence! What would you have me do? The Seekers themselves came and determined there was no wrongdoing here, especially against the threat of blood magic that you all represent.’

‘All of us?’ Lea had by now thrown caution to the wind, her temper getting the better of her. ‘Don’t let your guilt get in the way of the truth, now!’

‘It’s your fault,’ he snarled, his long steps closing the distance between them. ‘You twisted me, you witch! I threw caution to the winds, to be with you! You led me astray – tempted me beyond reason! A mage of all creatures! What must I have been thinking!’

‘Oh, get over yourself!’ She shouted back, the combination of hurt and betrayal of her own principles driving her words just as much as Cullen’s. ‘You kissed me, remember? When did I ever ask for that! When Templars force themselves onto unsuspecting mages then blame the mage for being responsible? You disgust me! I can’t believe I ever allowed it to go so far!’

_But I did. Because, secretly, I wanted you as badly as you wanted me._

_I still do, Maker save me from my sins. Now, we pay the price for such folly._

The tension in the room was so thick Lea couldn’t breathe, the two of them standing so close together Lea didn’t know whether to strike him or kiss him silent. The antagonistic relationship they’d always shared, one of seeming mutual dislike, had flared into a potent mix of lust and anger over the long months that passed as survival in Kirkwall. They’d both been dragged down a path of stolen passion and bitter recrimination after each illicit encounter, unable to accept the overwhelming attraction they had for each other the moment they’d met, but equally as unable to stay away from the forbidden temptation that mages and Templars represented.

Only Meredith and Orsino held more authority than the two of them in Kirkwall’s cursed halls. Well, Lea amended furiously, as much power as a mage could hold in the first place. The balance was, as ever, squarely with the Templars. A balance she intended to change.

Starting with this Templar in front of her.

‘I have never forced you, Leaena, and don’t you know it.’ The whispered words close to her ear made her shiver in revulsion and longing. ‘You were begging me, don’t you remember? You dirty whore, just like all your kind. Never accuse me of rape again, or I will make you regret it.’

‘Don’t you dare blame me for your own weaknesses, Cullen. I am not responsible for the lack of control you have over your own dick,’ Lea spat through gritted teeth, refusing to succumb to the disproportionate stab of pain that slashed through her at his base language. ‘I wouldn’t know how a whore behaves, but you clearly do. If you choose to fuck doxies on a regular basis that’s not my problem. I guess paying for it’s all you’re going to get these days seeing as no sane woman would touch you with a bargepole.’

‘Why are you here then, if not for a repeat performance?’ Cullen hissed, his eyes black with a spite that sent Lea recoiling inside. This was not going how she’d intended, the person in front of her a million miles away from the dedicated yet strict Templar she’d stupidly thrown herself at.

‘Because I am pregnant, no thanks to you, and you need to fucking well get me out of here!’

There. She’d said it, her fury and fear driving her beyond the precipice into a land of insanity where the rulebook had been torn up and thrown away. Lea had no idea why she’d told Cullen. She had no idea what to expect, except that, some distant part of her was assuring her that if she told him then somehow, it would all become better. Underneath his paranoia and fear was a decent man, she’d always assured herself of that. She’d had to justify her totally out of character yearning for a man who represented everything she despised. Staring at the look of stunned disbelief on Cullen’s face now, Lea wasn’t so sure.

She couldn’t put her finger on it, the completely irrational conviction that he’d never truly hurt her, and would do everything to protect both her and their unborn child. Underneath the fury and the mistrust and the harsh words, they’d never truly been able to stay away from one another, Lea convinced beyond reason that the only sensible thing to do was tell him the truth.

‘You’re sure?’ Cullen hadn’t moved, still as close to her as she was as his eyes searched her face for the truth.

‘Yes. It’s early days but –.’ For the first time, Lea shrugged helplessly. ‘I am not staying here either.’

Cullen’s eyes glittered with a hint of something that made Lea feel distinctly uneasy. She had always planned on escaping the Circle. Kirkwall was notoriously hard to get away from, but there were limited opportunities if she could petition to return back to Ostwick. It was one of the reasons she’d been so determined to get to the top, the limited privileges allowed to more senior mages something she’d always intended on taking full advantage of. This, however, had not been in her plan.

_No, falling in love with a Templar wasn’t, was it?_

_Nor carrying his child. Well done, Lea. What a world to bring a baby into._  

It didn’t matter. The moment she’d discovered she was pregnant, the axe had hung above her head. No matter what she’d chosen to do, she would lose. The fierce protection she felt for the unborn being inside of her was beyond her reckoning, but she knew it would be over her dead body that the Templars would take the child away. The idea was inconceivable, just as the thought of drinking the noxious mix of herbs she’d managed to find the strength to throw out of the window.

‘You want to escape?’ Cullen’s voice had dropped, his gaze unreadable. ‘So why come to me, if that’s your solution to this mess?’

Standing there in the gloom of Cullen’s office Lea felt a sense of sheer unreality about the whole situation. Deep in the depths of her conscious an alarm was ringing, a warning that something was very wrong. With the surge of feeling coursing through her, a roar of seething rage at his casual dismissal, though, it was submerged once more in her urgent need to hurt Cullen as much as he’d hurt her.

‘Our child is not a mess,’ she said menacingly, crossing her hands over her stomach as if to ward off the malevolence she sensed. ‘For some reason which now escapes me, I thought you might still have some shred of integrity.’

‘How do I even know you’re speaking the truth?’ Eyes she didn’t recognise suddenly bore into her. ‘You could be a demon, possessed. I shall have to run tests.’

‘Which would kill both of us,’ Lea shouted, trying to understand at what point she’d started to lose control of the wretched conversation. ‘You care, Cullen. Don’t try and pretend otherwise!’

‘I care about the safety of those around me. I care about protecting those under my charge. If you are a threat to that, then I will put an end to you.’

The brutal, unforgiving stance Cullen took towards mages had never been fully pointed in her direction before. For the first time since they’d seen each other, Lea started to feel scared. She hadn’t been thinking clearly when she’d realised the hard truth only a couple of hours ago, her usual impetuousness leading her straight to the man who was as responsible as she was. She’d forgotten the barriers between them, walls so impenetrable and high that, for the first time, Lea realised just how badly she’d miscalculated the situation.

‘If you are pregnant, then there is a chance the child will be borne a mage. I must take appropriate steps.’ The rapid change from Cullen’s anger to steady calm left Lea in a panic. ‘Pregnant mages are temperamental. I am surprised at your candour, Senior Enchanter, but you have done the right thing in coming to me. You have two options; terminate the pregnancy now, or I will.’

‘You can’t be serious!’ Lea gasped, icy fear curling through every fibre of her body as she backed away towards the door. ‘This is your child too! How could you countenance our deaths!’

‘Mages are not people. They cannot be trusted with such power. I will do all I can to ensure the safety of the Circle and the innocent people who reside in Kirkwall. Allowing you to run loose would be a risk I am not prepared to take, ever again. Blood magic could corrupt you at any moment, turn the babe into a demon. No, this is for the best.’

In a matter of moments, Cullen was a stranger before her, Lea realising she couldn’t read him at all.

_Not a stranger._

_A Templar. At his very worst._

‘I will fight you!’ She spun her staff in her hands to strike, only to feel the sickening sensation of her magic being cut as Cullen drew his sword, advancing on her to take her down. ‘There are more ways to defeat you, you fucking Templar filth! You wonder why we run from you so much – why you’re viewed with such revulsion! Here’s your reason!’

‘Guards!’ Cullen ordered, easily disarming Lea in the cramped space and pinning her down, terror now overriding every other sense as she fought the dead weight pinning her to the floor. ‘I am not sure that your confession will carry any weight with the Knight-Commander, given you’ve attacked a Templar. It remains to be seen whether a child can be carried to term when you are made Tranquil –.’

‘Tranquil! How can you….it’s your child…..’

Lea was screaming, her voice unrecognisable in the night that was threatening to swallow her, unable to pinpoint where she’d gone so wrong. She was struggling and kicking as Cullen held her tight, the bite of metal into her wrists as nothing to the despair ripping through her.

‘Sers,’ Cullen growled as two Templars strode in. ‘Put this mage in the dungeons. She is raving mad, with wild accusations of rape. Tranquillity can be the only possible route. I will get the order signed in half an hour.’

‘No!’ Lea shrieked as rough hands grabbed her by the hair and feet, dragging her along the floor and up the steps. ‘You’re lying – this can’t be real!’

_But it is._

_All of it. Think, Leaena!_

The whispered thought through her brain as she was forcibly thrown out of Cullen’s office, his beautiful face with a detached, aloof expression as he stood watching her fall from grace took root and grew. She was in agony, her scalp raw and her back and legs bruised as she was carted over stairs and dragged through the corridors. Rope bit into her wrists and ankles, scratches across her face from where one of the Templars had struck her bleeding into her mouth. The dank stink made her retch against her gag as she tried to breathe through her hysteria.

_Urgh that smell….that smell! Maker, when did I become so blind?_

_Enough! I am done with these mind games!_

‘Of course,’ Lea said quietly to herself, the monotone grey and green of the Fade surrounding her once more as the nightmare of Kirkwall melted into the mists. ‘I understand now. More than you’ll ever realise.’

Grimly, she stared down at herself once more, back in her usual black armour, the flare of green in her left hand. So much had just become clear at that moment, all which might have been flashing before her in a last-ditch attempt by a weakened demon to hold her in her place. It had nothing to do with a reality that had never existed, and everything to do with the cobalt residing serenely right next to her own magic.

It was difficult to forget the residual horror, to watch Cullen turn into the monster he’d always seen himself as. To see a scenario of his life played out for the sole benefit of crippling her mentally, warped until the truth was but a fragment of the imagination, had left its mark.

‘But now is not the time for that,’ Lea muttered with resolve, as she sensed the barriers that had trapped her in the Fade finally gone, a distant howl of rage lost as her magic sang in her ears. ‘I could never be scared of Cullen.’

With a smile of victory on her lips, she closed her eyes and raised her hands, a blaze of green flooding the void surrounding her as she sought out Cullen’s protective strength once more, reaching out to the anchor of the blue to draw her back to where she truly belonged.

‘Time for the Inquisitor to wake up. I am done here.’

\------

Cullen couldn’t remember being so tired. His world was one bloodbath of dead demons, black bile, chunks of flesh and a fear so primal it was all that kept him upright. The unmoving figure of Leaena under his cloak spurred him on, safely surrounded by Solas and Dorian as he, Cassandra and Varric took the fight to Corypheus and the hideous creatures the magister kept summoning. She was alive but barely, the flickering heartbeat that pulsed alongside his own giving him the reassurance he needed as he fought on.

‘Give up, Commander,’ Corypheus gloated as Cullen’s shield crumpled under the latest blow. ‘Even if she comes to, your Inquisitor is not going to be the same woman. She’s had quite the adventure in the Fade.’

‘Right flank!’ Cullen shouted, not bothering to respond to the many insane barbs Corypheus had ranted. ‘Varric – there’s a demon there –‘.

‘I can’t get there in time!’ Varric yelled, landing awkwardly as he tried to protect Solas from a blaze of fire. ‘Curly, we’re losing here!’

‘We need to give her more time!’ Cullen shouted back, falling back and leaving his side exposed to take out a demon advancing on Dorian. ‘She’s nearly – fuck!’

Cullen went flying backwards, the wind knocked out of him as a jolt of pain stabbed up his right side. He barely managed the presence of mind to roll out of the way as a pair of talons raked towards him, the demon’s leer as it rose up to strike once more all that filled his vision. Cullen couldn’t move, gasping in agony as he lay immobile, feebly batting back the next strike with his sword, his shield arm all but ruined.

_Maker, is this how it ends?_

_It is I who has failed, my love. I am sorry I couldn’t give you more time…._

‘Oh but you did. Never fear, my brave Commander. You have saved more than you’ll ever know.’

The demon’s screech of anger was abruptly cut off as it encased in ice, its form shattering a moment later as a blast of energy rocked the ground. Dazedly, Cullen sat up, staring in wonder and incredulous joy to see Leaena, a nimbus of pure power protecting them both as she held out her hand to him. Time had become suspended, Leaena’s flick of her wrist slowing down the world. He felt the restoration magic channelled to his side reviving him once more, his strength of purpose returned as he grabbed her hand, climbing back to his feet.

‘Leaena –.’ Cullen faltered, the two of them staring at each other in unadulterated delight all as the chaos of the battle was held in suspended animation. ‘This might be the worst possible moment to tell you this, but I love you.’

‘I love you too.’ One cool hand caressed his cheek and lingered across his jaw as Leaena pressed her lips to his, stealing a fleeting kiss that ended all too quickly. ‘If I don’t get a chance to say this – thank you Cullen.’

‘For what – .’

‘I just had to steal this moment. Just in case we don’t get another one. Something is coming, Cullen, something we need to prepare ourselves for, but I don’t know what. Corypheus is just the vanguard.’ Leaena bit her lip, her fingers gripping hold of his tightly. ‘The spell is failing already, and I have no time – but Cullen, just remember, no matter what happens, no matter what you’ve done, or whatever the future holds, I will always love you. There is nothing that can break us, not distance, not even another world in the Fade.’

‘You know I feel the same.’ The joy was rapidly being replaced by a foreboding so dark Cullen wanted to rage with the injustice of it all. ‘But what do you mean –.’

Just then, a thunderclap that rattled his teeth made them both stagger, Cullen steadying Leaena with one arm. The sphere shimmered clear, the clash of steel and the flames of magic jolting him back into the present.

‘Remember, Cullen,’ Leaena shouted above the howls of the demons, her eyes beseeching him with one final plea he didn’t understand. ‘There is nothing you could do that would make me not love you. We all do what we must to survive. I will wait forever for you, I promise.’

Abruptly Leaena turned away, dismissing the remaining demons on the field as if they were mere flies. The rest of her companions stood gaping at her as she raised her palms in front of her, a twisted smile on her face. Corypheus’ snarl shook the earth beneath their feet, the crazed magister refusing to accept the imminent defeat promised in every outline of Leaena’s demeanour.

‘Here we are at last, Corypheus.’ Her clear voice echoed off the mountains, her fists raised in defiance. ‘It ends now. You made your last mistake in the Fade. Crude attempt, really, to try and keep me there. After all this time, surely even you realised that painting a false reality was never going to hold me for long. Your attempt was beyond pathetic!’

‘You are weak, Inquisitor, just like all your kind!’ Corypheus roared. ‘I shall show you the true meaning of –.’

Corypheus’ incoherent bellows of rage were swallowed up by a torrent of green fire aimed not at his body but at the glowing red Orb from where he derived all his power. Leaena pushed forward, her expression filled with concentration as she bent her will towards the Orb’s destruction. A shout of despair from Solas hardly registered with Cullen as he stood, frozen, watching in horrified fascination at the abrupt change in the battle’s tide.

A massive crack rolled across the heavens, all of them flung to the ground as a searing light forced Cullen to shield his eyes with his arm as a bolt of raw power shot skywards, the rent in the skies sealing with a resounding clap. Moments later, the magic from the Anchor destroyed the Orb that had caused so much destruction and wreaked such havoc on them all. He saw from his vantage point on the floor the stricken magister, barely upright as Leaena ran towards him, helping him up yet again with a brilliant smile.

_Even now, she makes me feel like the most special man in the universe._

_But what does she mean, vanguard?_

‘One last job to do, Commander. May I borrow your sword to do the deed? I feel a flare for the dramatic to mark such a historic event.’

‘Of course.’

Cullen watched as Leaena hefted his battered longsword in her hand, nodding firmly as she turned to look at the others who’d gathered around them both. Her gaze lingered on each one, gratitude and affection rolling from her in waves as Cullen luxuriated in the peace of being able to sense her once more. His lack of lyrium hadn’t altered their connection at all, much to his pleasure. She was there, residing in his heart right where he liked it best.

‘Swords were never my strong point,’ Leaena said softly to the gathered group, ‘but today you lend my blade arm strength. I would not have reached this point without you, my friends. It is time.’

In a flash Leaena had Fadestepped to close the distance between her and Corypheus, groaning on his knees as he tried to pull the shattered pieces of the Orb together. Leaena didn’t pause for a moment, the longsword raised high and blazing with flames of green and blue as Coryhpeus roared, fighting every inch of the way as Leaena relentlessly pushed him into the Fade. Black smoke poured forth, the rotting stench that hit them making Cullen wanting to heave. In a dazzling display of light and dark, the magister vanished – a battle that had seen millions die and even more displaced all over in a matter of seconds.

‘In the end, it really was that easy.’ Leaena sounded of all things, bored. ‘Just like that, I am done. I don’t have to listen to you in my head ever again.’

Without any warning, she pitched head first into the snow, collapsing unconscious once more.

‘Leaena!’ Cullen shouted frantically, all of them running towards her motionless body. ‘Dear Maker, not now! Was this what she meant?’

He was heedless to the others, the fact that the battle they’d emerged victorious from was irrelevant if she didn’t survive. Her magic was exhausted from that final burst, coiled up and resting, the one thing reassuring him in amidst the terror of seeing her comatose once more. Cradling Leaena’s head in his lap, Cullen quickly searched for any sign of damage, breathing with relief to see her whole.

‘She’ll be alright, Commander.’ Solas sounded broken, sorrow lacing his voice as he examined the Orb’s charred shards. ‘This though…this can never be replaced.’

‘I am sorry you couldn’t recover the artefact.’ Aras had crouched down to examine the remains, her awkwardness after their last encounter evident.

‘You’ll have to forgive me for not sharing your distress.’ Cullen couldn’t care less about a magical ball that had caused all their problems in the first place. ‘I’m glad the damned thing is gone for good.’

‘It does all feel quite anticlimactic doesn’t it,’ Dorian replied conversationally, looking around at the wasteland that their battle had caused. ‘Mind you, it’s not every day I get to see a magister shoved into the Fade. How I do look forward to telling that tale in Minrathous and watching the snakes quake! Now, I should go and retrieve Morrigan –.’

‘No need. I can take care of myself.’ The witch sauntered over to their little group, the ravages of her own struggle non-existent as she cast a cursory glance over Leaena. ‘She’ll be fine, Commander. She needs rest, and lots of it. Getting her out of the snow would be a good start too.’

‘Let’s head back, Curly.’ Varric helped Cullen pick Leaena up, Cullen settling her securely against his chest just as he had done for all those long weeks. ‘I think we’ve all earned a vacation. I can’t quite believe it’s done.’

‘Solas?’ Cassandra asked enquiringly to the elf still bent over. ‘Will you join us?’

‘Not now, Seeker.’ Solas didn’t look back as he stood, pausing for a second. ‘Whatever happens – never mind. I need some space.’

No one replied as they watched one of Leaena’s closest companions walk off into the blizzard, Solas’ purposeful strides taking him rapidly away into the gloom. Aras made a noise of frustration, turning on her heel to walk in the opposite direction.

‘I am going to round up the horses which had the sense to run away during the battle.’ Her voice was iron, no one daring to ask just what had her so distressed. ‘Let us get away from this vile place and back to safety.’

‘She is right.’ Cassandra gestured for them all to move forward. ‘We need to move the Inquisitor back to Skyhold. There is little of practical use we can do here any more. Solas will return when he feels ready.’

‘Yeah, Chuckles has a habit of disappearing when he’s upset,’ Varric agreed, slinging Bianca onto his back with a grin as he nodded at Cullen. ‘We got there in the end, didn’t we?’

‘We did,’ Cullen replied absently, focussed solely on his future wife as he adjusted his cloak to cover her better. ‘She said something though – something about Corypheus only being the vanguard. There’s more trouble coming, if that’s at all possible after what we’ve been through. I just have no idea what.’

‘Worry about that later,’ Dorian advised with a gesture of dismissal. ‘For now, we’re on the winning side.’

‘Aren’t we just?’ Varric looked positively smug as he held out his hand. ‘You owe me, Sparkler.’

‘I think the conditions would argue against it Varric! Maker’s Breath, the fight’s not half an hour won and you’re hustling already!’

Cullen smiled as he let the words of the others drift past him. There was no need to linger, Cullen deciding he’d have plenty of time to process all that had just transpired on the long ride back. Aras had, by now, located their mounts and they prepared to leave, Leaena nestled up against him on his horse in a position he’d practiced so often it was second nature to him. As he stroked her hair with his free hand, steering his mount with the other, he made a silent promise that this would be the last time Leaena would ever be unconscious in his arms. He’d die before any more harm came to her.

Her warning niggled at him, Cullen refusing to dismiss ever again anything Leaena said as a result of her red lyrium-driven insights. He’d ignored her caution about Vivienne to all their peril, and the result had led to potentially disastrous consequences. Even worse, it echoed what the demon had hissed in all its vindictive spite. Now, when they were potentially at their weakest was when Cullen had to be most alert.

It was a problem that he couldn’t dwell on too long, however, the exultation that they had, against all the odds, prevailed against the biggest threat to Thedas in a generation. Corypheus was dead, Leaena was alive, and best of all, they would be married within the day. He couldn't quite believe it. 

Really, there wasn’t too much to feel bad about right now.

‘Come, my lady. This particular journey is over, thank the Maker. I find myself impatient to start the next.’

Turning his back on the desolate plateau, Cullen kicked his horse into a canter as, for the last time, he carried his Inquisitor home.


	112. Epilogue

The flames licked over the faded parchment, the flickering candle beneath the only sources of light in the deepest hours of night. Within seconds, the short missive that had forever smashed his dreams was gone, the scraps of charred paper and ash all that was left. The bite of the burn through the heavy leather of his gloves went unnoticed. The yearning poison of the song consuming every fibre of his being was too loud, too familiar, too missed and too hated for there to be room for anything else.

Pain would never torment him again. _Not physical pain at least_ , he amended bitterly. The life he’d fought so hard to escape had returned with a vengeance even he’d not seen coming. Lulled into a sense of false security, he’d dared to believe things could actually be different. All the warning signs had been there and, like the veritable idiot he was, he’d arrogantly dismissed each one. And now, the nightmare of the past had returned to haunt him, just as he’d been promised.

His heart contracted as he walked silently over to the sleeping form tucked snugly under layers of blankets. The ice cold tentacles of fear lashed his stomach as he allowed himself the luxury of memorising the image of all that might have been, one final time. Even in slumber, she was the embodiment of all that had been missing in his existence - certainty, hope and peace.

All it had taken to shatter his fragile equilibrium had been a few stark lines of ink. Minutes had held no meaning as he’d absorbed the devastating impact, his brain unable to uncover any other solution aside from the one that had been offered.

There had been none. For once, there were no more options. After all he’d survived, after all his victories, when it had mattered he’d been well and truly outmaneuvered. None of it counted unless she was safe, after all, leaving only one course of action open to him.

There was only a moment, of cool skin against the fevered heat of his as he pressed his lips for one last time. Before his resolve broke he spun away and strode furiously towards the secret passageway that would finally sunder his soul. He snatched the only bag he could take, shouldering it roughly, he drew his hood up to shield his face. He brushed aside the smothering sensation of the heavy black wool covering him from head to foot, another line of defence against the sharp eyes of sentries. It would be tricky, with his own tactics ranged against him, but he was well versed in clinging to shadows and moving unnoticed. He didn’t have a choice either way – if he was detected it would be all over.

He didn’t allow himself to look back as he slipped into the cover of darkness – that would have been fatal. One split second of hesitation would kill them all. His eyes rapidly adjusted to the black space of the tunnel, struggling to adjust to the dramatic shift in his senses he’d once accepted without a second thought. The sapphire protested as the distance grew, the unquiet of magic refusing to settle as he steadily put more distance between his old life and new. He could only ignore it, the iron casing around his broken emotions slamming shut lest he slip and fail yet again.

The imminent danger that threatened all he held dear kept him focused on his immediate objective to escape. The jangle of steel against steel and hushed mutterings from soldiers were easily avoided as he stealthily crept his way further out, through trap doors and a complex maze of tunnels designed for a more orderly evacuation than they’d had from Haven. When he’d created the secret system, he’d never dreamt he’d be using it to escape the woman he loved beyond reason.

He refused to think of himself as her husband. He’d foregone the right to that title the moment he’d betrayed her.

The checkpoints became more infrequent as the distance increased, the stale air replaced by blistering frost searing his lungs once he emerged from the hidden cave. The world was muffled in the steady snowfall of midwinter, his tracks disappearing almost as soon as he lifted each boot away from the frozen ground. He knew it was all over as the frantic wail of shimmering blue finally vanished with one last, desperate plea for him to remain. Echoes of its purity were drowned out by the deafening clamour thundering through his veins. It was so virulent, so beautiful yet lethal in its toxicity he was struggling to control the tumult. The forgotten intoxication of power had taken him aback, left him sobbing from mindless exhilaration and abject defeat.

Checking his location as he wound his way along a little-used path, he nodded grimly to himself, satisfied he’d gone far enough. Reaching into his satchel he pulled out the four now-empty vials, the heavy glass muted in the gloom. Without further thought, he flung them furiously over the side of the gully, all evidence of his shame and ultimate disgrace wiped without a trace. He refused to think on his wretchedness, his despair at having sunk back all too easily in to a flawed state of survival he’d been tried his hardest to reject. All he could do was continue his thankless journey, the overwhelming need to protect her at all costs the only thing keeping him moving forward.

Cold anger sharpened his wits with every step he took away from Skyhold and towards an enemy that this time he was determined to kill. One way or another, there would be an end, and he did not intend on losing.

The demon in his mind mocked him, taking merciless amusement in driving the hard truth home over every long, empty mile during his forced march. In order to ensure Leaena’s survival, Cullen had been driven to become the very thing he’d despised. Choice had been rendered an irrelevant concept.

There would be no forgiveness, and this time, there would be no salvation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't quite believe that at long last, this part of Cullen and Lea's story is finished. It has been an amazing journey these two have taken me on, along with all the other characters from the amazing universe that Bioware have created for us all to enjoy. Some of you may also know that I have bipolar 1 and PTSD and part of this was written during a horrendous bout of mania and postnatal depression. I am not exaggerating when I say these two have literally saved my life, along with you wonderful readers who have provided me the motivation to keep going time and time again. 
> 
> I will take a break for a couple of months or so. There is a re-editing job to do especially at the start which I have wanted to finish for ages, and I am going to be moving house and hopefully having a holiday. Although...my 2 year old daughter said 'Cullen' properly for the first time when she saw his picture today I was such a proud mum! Anyway, I can't imagine life without Cullen and Lea (much to my husband's resignation), and there's more artwork commissioned along with Part 2 which is all mapped out already. I shall post another chapter here to let you all know when the first chapter of Part 2 is published - I think I had better start anew :D 
> 
> Thanks to all of you so much for following this epic tale and for bearing with me (I had no idea when I started that it would be so long!). You are all wonderful and it means a great deal that you've taken such an interest in Cullen and Lea's story.


	113. Part 2 is up!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 of Alpha and Omega and continuing on from A Moment of Eternity [Ashes of Faith](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7823602)

Hello lovely readers of Cullen and Lea's story. Part 2 is up in the link above with a prologue, and Chapter 1 to follow very shortly in the next day or two! I just need to let it marinade a bit longer....

See you over there :) 


End file.
